Original subtitles

Sid: This is a story of life and death.

Specifically, one life and one death.

More specifically, mine.

My name is Sid Sandagger, and I have figured out

the key to a long and happy life.

It's quite simple. Don't mess with the system. Think about it.

Every awful thing that happens to someone in their life,

it can be chalked up to them ripping at the fabric

of the social continuum. So don't.

There's a natural order to things in life,

and it is not to be reckoned with.

And nowhere is that more important

than the one environment more strict,

more brutal, and more savage

than all of the rest-- high school.

Luckily, I've developed three simple rules to ensure survival.

Rule number one? Shut up.

Most people don't get beaten up

for what they don't say.

Rule number two, don't stand out.

This applies to everything, from what you wear, to who your friends are,

to what extra-curriculars you're a part of.

I have mastered the art of the nondescript extra-curricular.

For example, I'm comptroller

for the Eastland High student council,

understudy for the school play...

♪ You make me alive ♪

...equipment manager for the hockey team...

Hey, yo. Incoming!

...and starter for the Eastland e-sports team.

E-sports, need I say more?

Midnight tonight, boys. You excited, Cunningham?

I hacked into my parents' internet account to upgrade our speed.

- Sweet. - Also, I think my parents are getting divorced.

And finally, the third and most important rule.

Don't fuck with Chuck.

Chuck Brawnte, him and his stupid friends

have a few thousand subscribers to their YouTube channel,

which, believe it or not, people actually give a shit about.

Whoo! Fuck you, window!

But the real reason everybody knows who Chuck Brawnte is...

- Are you boys okay over here? - Pussy bitch!

...is because he is super violent.

- Come on. Let's go, let's go, let's go. - Here's the big one.

Chuck got kicked out of his old school

for beating a freshmen nearly to death.

The kid is still in a coma. Now I'm not a lawyer,

but allow me to present these three facts.

One, Chuck got off with a few hours of community service.

Two, Chuck's dad is super rich

because he owns all the Mercedes dealerships in upstate New York.

And three, the judge hearing Chuck's case

now drives a top of the line Mercedes Benz.

Get the picture?

Fuh...

Well, there you have it,

Sid Sandagger's Guide to Life.

♪ But I could care less ♪

♪ What's on your mind ♪

♪ You say something nice ♪

♪ You say something right ♪

♪ And people start losing their mind ♪

♪ Thursdays on my mind ♪

♪ We were driving through red lights ♪

♪ We were flying ♪

♪ But I could care less what's on your mind ♪

- I'm putting Todd at your parents' table. - Oh, he gives my dad anxiety.

And your dad's a Republican, and you're marrying a woman,

- so already kinda anxious. - Fair point.

- Hey! - Hey.

How was school?

To me that said, "Fuck off, Moms, but I love you."

- No. - If he was half-Korean, this would not be happening.

Sid: School was great. I woke up, I went to class, and then I came home.

It was perfectly predictable,

which is perfectly acceptable.

As long as I stick to my rules,

much like my internet search history,

high school will be a filthy,

nasty, amoral blip on my radar

that someday will never have even happened.

Life is about embracing routine.

- Oh. - Eat, sleep, play.

It's gonna be a good night.

That is, of course, except when a new edition

of War Monger comes out.

It's a sacred night.

And on this night,

you don't eat, you don't sleep,

and you sit at your altar for hours on end

just praying to stay alive.

It's pure heaven.

Then the semen travels through the vas deferens,

out the urethra, and hopefully into the vagina

of someone you're not just using for sex

and that you're willing to stick around

and raise the baby with.

Or into an anus.

Any questions?

Oh, my God, dude. Sex Ed is such bullshit.

Like, I don't understand

why we spend so much time on condoms.

What is there to know? You open the shit up,

you stick your junk in it, and you go to town on somebody.

Sid:My best friend Jim Vega.

Jim cares about two things,

getting laid and being popular,

and so far he's achieved neither.

Do they seriously think dudes are, like,

sticking their balls in it or something?

You'd be surprised. What do you want them to teach?

- Like, I don't know. - Heads up!

Why don't they teach us how to fuck awesome?

'Cause it's Sex Ed. It's not sex class.

Yeah, but what's the difference? And unlike trigonometry,

this would be, like, practical, applicable knowledge.

Just talk to the school board about it, man.

- Wait, you-- you think so? - Yeah, why not?

You go to the school board and you say,

"Ladies and gentlemen, I would like my teachers

- to teach me how to fuck awesome." - I'm serious.

Like, how do you find the clitoris during over the pants sex stuff?

Can you not say fucking "clitoris" in the hallway?

You see, this is exactly what I'm talking about.

Everyone is so horny that yelling "clit" in the hall

is like yelling fire in a theater.

Yeah, and you don't yell fire in a fucking theater.

Regardless, the clitoris is at the top of the labia minora.

That sophomore with the cleft lip?

No, that's Lydia Mindlin.

Yo, Rafi! What's up, man?

- How you doing? How was that test? - Who are you?

All right. Rafi's the best.

- You really shouldn't do that. - Why? Rafi's my homie.

Rafi's not your fucking homie.

He just tolerates you because you let him cheat off you once.

You're just jealous 'cause I'm popular.

- You're not fucking popular, - Okay.

- And that's a blessing. - Oh, come on.

Don't start with your whole

"don't mess with the system" bullshit.

- You're just afraid to live a little. - I live.

What do you call an all-nighter playing World Of--

Whoa-ly shit. Tiff Mann.

I don't think I've talked to Tiff Mann since our figure skating recital

when I was eight years old.

I've been in love with her the entire time since,

but it's clear that she didn't exactly

see me as boyfriend material.

I've told you, no sleepovers at boys' houses.

But, Mom, it's just Sid's.

Come to think of it, neither did her mom.

Oh, that's fine.

Even more fucked up than that,

Tiff Mann is dating Chuck.

Yo.

Chuck: Wanna go to the parking lot right now?

- How was class? - Sucks.

Mr. Ramirez can literally lick my butthole.

Suck a dick, Chuck.

All right, class, let's go!

- Two laps around the field! - Oh, my God.

Dude, do you think Juliana Ulrich would be down for a finger in the butt?

Teacher: Good speed! Keep it up!

I really don't think girls are as into that as you think they are.

Are you kidding me? It's a second G-spot.

And I'm usually pretty good at telling who would be down.

I'm like the Finger In The Butt Whisperer.

You know who probably sticks a bunch of fingers in butts?

- Teacher: Two more laps! - Chuck. Chuck is the man.

Did you see his latest video?

He totally wrecked Su-Ming Lee's car with a pogo stick.

- Chuck's a fucking monster. - Jim, Jim! Hey.

You haven't told me what color tie you're wearing to homecoming.

That's 'cause I'm not going with you, Luna.

Sid:Meet Luna Peralta.

Luna and Jim have known each other since they were in diapers,

and have hated each other just as long.

Luna does not hold back.

You think I wanna go with you?

Here's a list of inanimate objects

I would rather take to Homecoming than you, okay?

Bleach, a bottle of urine,

and rusty nails literally stuck in my hands.

- Glad we're on the same page. - My crazy parents only want me to go with you

'cause they know I'm not gonna come back pregnant.

Great. Not happening. Leave me alone. I have herpes.

You wish you had herpes. That would have to mean someone touched

- your skinny little micro-penis. - It's not skinny.

If anything, girth is my asset and length is my weakness.

- Okay. - So fuck off.

Buddy, nothing is your asset,

and being a fuckwad is your weakness.

Later, shrimp dick.

- She is so mean. - I know.

- Teacher: Sandagger, Vega! - I love it.

- Oh, come on, babe. - Hey! Hold it.

- What's up? - Oh.

- Oh. You look awful. - I'm just tired.

- We got an email. A parent-y email. - Yes.

Uh, "Please ensure proper Homecoming attire," blah blah blah.

Were you planning on wearing a very short skirt to this dance?

Why is this the first time we're hearing about this Homecoming?

- 'Cause I'm not going. - Why not?

Homecoming is a very big deal.

You get all dressed up, and you wait for some schnook

to pick you up, and you dance at arm's length,

and then you have a fleeting sexual encounter.

- And then you realize that you're a lesbian. - Yes.

Have you thought about that, Sid?

You might be a lesbian and not even know it.

- You do like Brandy Carlile. - And going to Maine.

- Mm, the signs are all there. - Come on.

Why aren't you going?

That was a pretty compelling argument.

Come on.

Think about it.

You don't want to graduate high school without any memories.

Actually, I have no problem leaving high school without any memories.

I can't imagine any experience good enough

to risk the possibility of a bad one.

It's like why I don't have my driver's license.

And what's so bad about this?

A 72-hour War Monger marathon

is pretty awesome and safe.

Game on, baby.

Okay, well, maybe 72 hours isn't entirely safe.

According to Google, there are seven specific signs of sleep deprivation

that all lead to complete madness.

Heads up, Tiny Tim.

Ow. Stupid hemorrhoid.

Look alive, fuckface.

Oh, God. Dude, slow down.

What happened to no carbs till college?

Symptom number one, you eat a lot.

- I'm fricking starving. - Oh, pop quiz.

Okay, so you're driving home from a party and you can't drive.

What do you take? Uber or Lyft?

Symptom number two, you're indecisive.

- I don't know. - Lyft, 'cause their drivers are super hot.

Plus, Uber is for fascists.

Symptom number three, you forget things.

- What are we talking about? - I'm open, I'm open!

Symptom number four? Delayed motor skills.

- Come on, come on. - Go, go, go, go, go!

Symptom number five, your pain receptors are...

- Heads up! - ...diminished.

Sorry!

Symptom number six, your senses get all weird.

And the final symptom of sleep deprivation

leading to complete madness, you lose your filter.

Suck a dick, Chuck.

What did you just say?

- Come on. - What the fuck did you just say to me?

Um, I said, uh,

I said suck-- suck her lick, Chuck.

I want you guys to enjoy kissing each other,

'cause, you know, like, we're not gonna be young forever.

Uh, I didn't say that second part, but I thought it.

Uh, what I said, uh...

I said, "Suck a dick."

Suck a dick, you pogo stick-riding douchebag.

You think everyone's afraid of you? Why?

Because you look like one of those punching bags shaped like a torso?

Jimenez, my good man.

I'm not his man. I don't even know who the hell he is.

- We ride. - You remember three rules

to getting through high school alive?

Shut up, don't stand out, don't fuck with Chuck?

Well, this is what happens when you break all three

of those rules in the exact same moment.

Motherfucker. Tell me another joke.

Tell me another fucking joke. Huh? Was it worth it?

- I really fucking hope it was worth it. - Break it up!

- I'm gonna kill you, kid. I'm gonna fucking kill you. - Ow!

- Oh! Oh, oh! - I am going to end your goddamn miserable life.

- Come here, kid. Come here. - The next time I see you, you are fucking dead.

- Get the fuck off me! - Are you okay?

Chuck: ...fuck off me. God damn it!

This is fucking fantastic.

I've never seen something like this.

I mean, terrible-- oh, dude, you're up.

This is a fascinating porn collection.

How long have I been out?

Dude, you've been out for, like, seven hours. Here.

The nurse said that you were gonna sleep for a really long time.

- What about Chuck? - So Luna texted me.

I don't even know how she got through to me because I blocked her number,

but she said that Chuck is only gonna be suspended for 2 1/2 weeks.

- That's it? - Plus anger management counseling.

I have two weeks to live.

2 1/2 weeks actually. So, what? Today's--

Today's Wednesday, so he's suspended until the 25th.

Aw, damn it. That's the day of the Homecoming dance.

It's not like you need another reason not to go.

You all right? Sid?

Dude, what are you thinking about?

- Sid: Death. - I'm gonna kill you.

I broke my rules, I fucked with the system,

and this is what I deserve.

Chuck is gonna kill me, and who's gonna stop him?

Not the police, not the school, not the courts.

No one ever has.

Sid, you still awake?

Jim told me you two called out sick from work.

You feeling okay?

Hmm.

Oh, I get it. Boundaries.

Sid: This can't be it. This can't be how it ends.

I've gotta find out where Chuck is

and explain what happened.

He'll understand.

Well, obviously this would work a little bit better

if I had a banana that wasn't quite so ripe.

But I can't find the demo banana,

so I just took this out of my lunch.

Dude, did you hear?

Chuck's parents sent him to some anger management class

during his suspension in, like, Switzerland?

It turns out the Swiss

are masters of not giving a fuck.

It sounds dope, and rich, and you can ski there.

- Maybe he'll forgive you. - And inside the condom...

Mm, no, you're probably right.

- He's probably gonna murder you. Sorry, dawg. - All right, question.

What is the only 100% effective method of contraception?

- Butt stuff. - No, that's not it.

- Double condoms. - No.

- Dry humping. - Abstinence.

It's written-- it's literally on the board behind me.

Now, Candace is your student abstinence leader,

so she's agreed to share her experience

or, well, lack thereof.

So, as you guys know,

I have taken the abstinence pledge.

I'm in Sex Ed, and I'm gonna die a virgin.

What are they gonna write on my tombstone?

"Here lies Sid Sandagger. He shrugged."

What's wrong with me? Was this really my life?

I can't die like this.

Is this why my moms want me to make memories?

In case some psycho with a YouTube channel pounds me to death

on the dance floor at Homecoming

to a Taylor Swift ballad? I'm sick of it!

And this abstinence queen going on

and on and on and on

- and on and-- - Fuck that.

Sid?

- I'm sorry. - Candace, please continue.

I'm sorry that I've wasted so much time in this dumb class.

Excuse me. Sid Sandagger!

Candace, I'm sorry for interrupting you, but come on.

Be honest with yourself. Aren't you tired of lying?

Have you ever dealt with unhealthy, unclean urges

or impure thoughts?

At this very moment.

Do you know what I think about on a daily basis?

It would traumatize you.

And then I search it on the internet,

and it exists and there's porn for it.

That means I'm not alone.

You're probably horny all the time, too!

- Actually-- - It's okay, Candace!

You can admit to flicking it every now and again.

- No one's gonna crucify you. - Dude, I don't know what you're doing,

- but please keep going. - I'm horny.

You are horny!

Everyone in this room is horny!

Like, what's the big deal?

It takes a slight breeze, and I am hard as a rock!

All right, Sandagger, lock it up.

Come on, Dr. Capanna.

This is Sex Ed, for crying out loud.

How can you just stand there

and let this girl make us all feel badly

for having completely normal sexual appetites?

- How do you sleep at night? - Yeah, I don't.

I have really bad apnea.

- It's not because of this. - Why?

Why do we all have to pretend

that we don't want to fuck each other

six ways to the weekend?

We should embrace it!

For crying out loud,

I can see Dave Guggenheim's boner from here.

And you know what? I love your boner, Dave.

- Because Dave's boner is in all of us. - Yeah.

- We are all Dave's boner! - Yeah.

And I'm not gonna sit here and let you make everyone in this room feel bad

- for having completely normal sexual appetites. - Yeah!

My name is Sidney Sandagger,

and I once put a Sharpie inside of my own butthole.

- I humped a melon. - Okay, Guggenheim!

I cut a hole in it, and I microwaved it, and then I humped it.

Hell yeah, man. That is disgusting.

Okay, don't encourage him. That's a UTI waiting to happen.

I get off to porn of guys doing it with other guys.

- Sit down! - I use my electric toothbrush as a vibrator.

My boyfriend and I are into macrophilia.

I have a reoccurring sex dream about Elizabeth Warren.

I have vertical balls!

Oh.

Like, instead of a left one and a right one,

I have an upstairs and a downstairs.

It's like two-thirds a snowman.

It goes pickle, potato, potato, cinnamon doughnut.

That is so hot.

Okay, all right, all right.

Warner, Sandagger, Guggenheim, okay. Oh, God damn it.

- No one's taking home condoms. - Sid, Sid.

Sid, dude! Dude, what the hell was that?

- I don't know. - Dude, that was brilliant!

- Come on! Say something! - I don't know, man.

Dude, that was fucking incredible!

Like, fuck every other revolutionary that's come before you.

Like, you are the Messiah. You are Jesus returning.

Candace should've fucking recognized that.

Like, you are the king-fucking-penis.

Your schlong definitely grew three inches from that.

Whatever it is that made it click for you,

- that's what we gotta tell everyone about. - What?

Oh, my God. Sid, we're gonna get so much pussy from this.

I was so inspired. I feel liberated!

Like, this is how...

- Sid: Who is this? - Jim: Hugh Hefner would be so proud of you,

may his soul rest in fucking peace.

Like, he would be so happy.

I'm going home and I'm trying that...

- ...like vagina juice. - Sid: What's next?

- That's fucking brilliant! - How the hell should I know?

It's so DIY, and, like...

I've never really thought about it before.

I mean, I don't think I want to deliver pizzas

with Jim for the rest of my life,

but I'm a senior in high school.

I don't even know what I wanna wear tomorrow.

What if I die, Jim? What if I die?

What are you talk-- Chuck isn't gonna kill you.

Dude, he beat a kid nearly to death,

and he's been beating people ever since.

It's not like he's getting any worse at it.

Oh, God. Two weeks.

What if this is it?

Oh, that is just so sad.

Look, Chuck isn't gonna kill you, dawg.

- I'll protect you. - Yeah, sure, you will.

Unless he offers to let you be in one of his fucking videos.

You think he'd ever let me be in one?

- Fuck you, man. - I'm kidding.

But, like, let's say for a second that Chuck might actually kill you,

which I'll admit is a possibility because he does have a record.

So in this hypothetical world,

then you got two weeks left to live.

What do you wanna do?

That.

Skip rocks?

No, live.

I wanna fucking live.

What do you mean?

Sidney, where has that Sharpie been?

Sid, what are you doing?

"Win at some--"

What does that even mean?

I don't know. I have no idea.

But I'm not gonna, like, you know,

get a promotion or start a company

or have a fling with some foreign girl on a train in Europe.

Everything that you do in life,

everything that makes life good, I have to do it right now.

I don't want just some memories. I want all the memories.

"Know real love."

Are you gonna die a virgin?

Yeah! That's my boy! Let's go!

Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

♪ Don't start running me around ♪

♪ Don't start running me around ♪

Dude, that sounds insane.

♪ Don't start running me around ♪

So you're gonna do all of this in two weeks?

Yeah. What have I got to lose?

Hey! You want some dinner?

Stay impenetrably silent if you love your mothers.

- Both: Yes! - ♪ You're gonna hit ♪

♪ Your back side when your roll out ♪

♪ I know I used to roll the dice ♪

♪ Till I slowed down ♪

♪ I hope you hit your back side ♪

♪ Hit your backside ♪

♪ When you roll out ♪

♪ Don't start, don't start ♪

♪ Don't start running me around ♪

- What's up, dude? - Hey.

Girl: Hey, Sid.

♪ Don't start running me around ♪

Dude! Sid, dude, everyone is talking about

your "I'm Boner Spartacus" bit in Sex Ed yesterday.

- Like, in a good way? - Yes, like, in a fucking ama--

- Jim! Jim. - Oh, my God.

Luna, what the fuck do you want?

I don't remember saying Beetlejuice three times.

Ha, ha, ha. You're so funny, Jim.

We need to buy tickets for Homecoming,

and you have to pay for them, so...

Well, make sure you tell that to the Japanese sex robot

that you get to take you to the dance,

'cause I'm not going with you, Luna.

Dude, dude, dude, dude. Incoming heatseekers inbound.

- What? - Hey.

Holy shit.

Oh, please, God, let Tiff Mann be my secret texter.

Uh, hey. Hey.

- I'm Tiff. - Oh, I know.

Um, listen, I just wanted to say I'm really sorry about what Chuck did to you.

Oh, no, that's--

that's, uh-- he's--

- that's okay. - No, it's not okay.

His parents say that he has impulsivity issues,

but I think he can just be a dick sometimes.

Yeah, yeah.

Also are you going to go the game tonight?

He'll be there, and so will I.

Now is probably a good time to talk about hockey.

Let me see you get it in net.

Hockey is a pretty big deal in Eastland.

- Let's get it in! - Score a goal,

and you get to feel what it's like to be a god.

Brad passes it to Worsham. And he goes for the shot.

He shoots. He scores!

You know who knows that feeling better than anyone?

- Whoo! - Eric Worsham.

Eric, Eric, Eric!

Eric is like a king in Eastland.

Face-off at center ice!

Good move, man. Good move, Eric. Come on!

But heavy is the head that wears the helmet.

Eric has to be perfect, because if he's not...

Move your fucking feet! Come on!

...he gets to enjoy a lifetime of pain and humiliation.

And they're alone!

And just like that, the Fighting Spirits have sent this game into overtime.

Get the fuck up, you fucking piece of shit!

Eric, that goal! That's on you!

And Coach Worsham expressing his frustrations

as they make their way to the locker room.

I wouldn't wanna be at that dinner table tonight.

Oh, yeah. Did I forget to mention?

That psycho coach? Also Eric's dad.

You know what you are? I can't even say the word

because the school board won't let me call you "pussies" anymore.

You pissed away the last period.

God damn, look at me when I'm fucking talking to you!

Beat the fuck out of someone out there, okay?

Like we're back in fucking 'Nam!

What have I got, a bunch of pacifists?

Or do I have me some warriors in this fucking room?

Now, I love you boys. You know I do.

On three. One, two, three!

- Go, Frogs! - Whoo! Go, Frogs!

Come on, guys. Let's go, come on.

Come on, boys, let's go. Get out there and fucking win.

Come on! I love you guys.

Get out there, play hard, play fast.

Come on, guys. Let's go, come on.

You don't have go out there.

What the hell are you talking about, man?

Say you go out there, right?

And you do whatever the hell it was

your dad was screaming about, and you win the game,

and you win a lot more games, right?

You get a scholarship, and now you're playing NCAA.

And you do really well there.

And now you're playing in the NHL.

And now you have fans and money and women

and you might even win the Franklin Cup.

- Stanley. - The Stanley Cup.

But you'll still be miserable,

because you're not playing to win.

You're playing not to lose.

- I don't know. - I know what it's like

to live your life the way you do

because you're afraid.

I used to hide in all kinds of places.

- You hide in here. - I gotta get back out there.

No, you don't.

Crowd: Let's go, Frogs! Let's go, Frogs!

Sid: Turns out jockstraps are super uncomfortable,

especially when you're using somebody else's.

And we got Eric Worsham returning to the ice.

Looks like he took a few extra minutes of rest,

and he'll need it against these Fighting Spirits.

And face-off at center ice.

The drop!

Eric Worsham going offsides.

Ooh, you don't see that from Worsham every day.

- Uh, we've got a face-off deep in the Frog territory. - I'm good, bro.

Jim: There's the drop! Worsham has got the puck.

Oh! Worsham is pounded by the Spirits, and he's down.

Coach: Get your fucking heads in the game, kids.

Jim: Looks like that'll leave a mark.

Coach: Come on, let's go, boys.

Let's go! God damn it.

What the fuck are you doing?

You cock-sucking son of a fucking bitch.

Sid: And then I remembered why I was here.

For in the realm of the dead, where I'm going,

I wanna be able to talk about this shit.

The Frogs lining up with the Fighting Spirits

- in striking distance. - Let's go, E.

Referee: All right, boys, sticks down, face-off.

Jim: And the puck is down.

Oh! With a huge collision on center ice.

Worsham now has the puck.

Fuck fear.

I've been doing a lot of avoiding in my life.

Time to put it to good use.

- Jim: Oh, he dodges! - Come on!

Jim: He's getting close to the goal!

With a spin like a ballerina!

He shoots!

No fear, motherfucker!

He scores!

Eric Worsham brings the Frogs to victory!

Crowd: Eric, Eric, Eric!

Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

- Sid. - What the fuck?

Sid? Is that the guy that shoved the sharpie up his asshole?

Um, correction, that goal was scored by,

and I can't believe I'm saying this,

my best friend Sid Sandagger!

He's 160 pounds of pure sexual energy,

and he's very, very single!

Go, Sid!

Hey. Who the fuck are you?

I'm a friend of your son's, I guess?

I clean the jockstraps. I give them-- I'm, like, their penis--

Where the fuck did you learn that thing?

I, um-- I...

Fantastic Figure Skating for Fabulous Five-Year-Olds.

Can you be at practice tomorrow?

Yeah.

Yes, sir. Yes, coach.

Jim: I don't know what you did to Eric,

but that was some serious Jedi voodoo shit.

He was just afraid. I used to live like that.

- Dude, he quit hockey. He joined the dance team. - Good for him.

- Yo, what up, Sid? - What's up, Sandagger?

Who are you?

Moving on.

With Arlene in the hospital

for her Seasonal Affective Disorder,

I will be assuming the role of interim

student body president.

However, according to school bylaws,

we will hold a special election

to determine a permanent replacement

for the remainder of the year.

Obviously, I will need a vice-president to run with.

You'll be working with me, designing campaign signs,

ironing out our platform, and of course, debating alongside me in three days.

Expect long, gruesome hours and a whole lot of fun.

Now, raise your hand

if you'd like to be considered.

Sid: You know, I'm not sure when it became cool

to hate on Megan Waters, or even why, really.

But a few months ago, some kid started a FarmersOnly account

and posted pictures of her with a bunch of dicks

and other stuff flying around.

People can be such jerks.

And when do they decide that's the one we're gonna torture?

That's the one that we're gonna make feel like shit?

It isn't right.

Great.

I'll give you guys some time to think it over

and I'll put a sign-up sheet on the door.

Meeting adjourned.

Before I die, I said I'd fuck up the system.

Helping Megan Waters just might be the way.

- Hey, Megan. - Hey, Sid.

About the whole vice-president thing?

I'm sure that I'll find somebody.

I would-- I would love to run with you.

- Really? - Yeah. Why not?

Well, I should probably vet you against the other candidates

before I make any final decisions.

Right. Welcome to the ticket.

I've never really done drugs.

Oh, except in sixth grade when I took two Tylenol

and drank three Diet Dr Peppers

and ended up riding the mammoth at the museum.

Haven't really experimented since.

This is the shit you want. You ever spent the night with molly?

Uh, spent what?

Oh, yeah. No.

Um, what is molly exactly?

You ever been rolling down a hill in the ice

but felt really hot in your soul?

Um, no.

It's, like, spiritual.

The real you comes out.

You're gonna trip balls.

Cool. Sweet.

Um, how much do I owe you?

- How much you want? - Just a few... bits.

- Bits? - Pieces? I don't know.

Just a handful. I don't-- what--

Just enough to have a good time.

- 80. - 80. Cool.

Usually, I'd be saving this money for, I don't know, my future?

That's the nice thing about imminent death.

It makes financial planning a lot easier.

But don't take more than half a pill at a time.

- Half a pill? - Yeah.

Got it. Okay.

- Minty fresh. Just like this shit. - Thank you.

You think that Candace chick would be down to hump?

The abstinence cop? No.

No, man, I don't think she is.

I might be catching feelings for her.

That's too bad, man.

You know what, Dave? Why wait?

If not now, then when, right?

- Boner bros. - Boner bros.

Like, a lot of puss.

Oh, dude, the Frakas twins are having a party this weekend.

- We gotta go. - Sweet. What kind of party?

Aw, dude, it's a wine-tasting party.

They got Austrian whites, they got a sommelier coming.

I mean, he's gonna-- I mean-- what do you think kind of party?

Yeah, dude. Whatever, I'm in.

- Are you serious? - Yeah.

Fuck yes, dude! That's what I'm talking about.

Dude, I thought I was gonna have to sell that.

Like, for real, I had this whole thing prepared

about how if we both hook up, we would be brothers.

Like, not that we're not already brothers,

but we would be like boner brothers.

Oh, dude, I'm so sorry, but Dave Guggenheim already called that.

You know, I always suspected Tiff Mann was an angel,

but am I really falling in love

with an honest to goodness celestial being?

- Oh, shit. - Oh, were you masturbating again?

- What? No! - That's okay.

Masturbation promotes health.

That's why grandma's never had the flu.

- Can I help you guys? - Well, when you are a parent,

and your son's Sex Ed teacher Dr. Capanna calls you

and tells you that your son has flipped out in class...

Dr. Capanna, by the way, sounds like the biggest moron.

But also, if your son, say, mysteriously ends up

on the cable access sports channel pucking a goal,

we have no choice but to get very invasive

and ask what exactly is going on?

- I'm fine. - Do you know what?

- You don't look fine. - Mm-mm.

I had teeny little mishap at school.

- With a girl? - No.

- With Dr. Capanna? - No.

Okay, well, if you change your mind, you know where to find us.

- Friday. - Hmm?

I have another game on Friday.

And I am going to Homecoming next week.

Do you want us to ask a girl out for you?

Because we are good at that.

No thank you, no.

Well, all right.

It appears as though I am not the only one

who is fucking up the system nowadays.

Whoo!

Hey, take five, guys. What's up?

- What's up, man? - How you doing?

I'd heard you joined the dance team.

That's-- that was-- that was awesome.

- Hey, nice goal the other night. - Thanks, man.

Hey, I wanted to tell you something.

Um, just thank you for talking to me the other night.

I feel like I'm finally having fun in high school.

- I'm happy for you, man. - I should get back there,

- but have a good game Friday. - Careful on those backflips.

- Hey, don't let my dad ride you too hard. - I won't!

- See you around, Sid. Let's go again. - All right! Okay, one...

Good God, understudy,

I cannot wait to kiss that mouth.

It's, like, the hottest face hole I've ever seen.

God.

Only a total tool

would call Tiff Mann's

perfect lips a face hole.

Then again, Erwin Mueller is a total tool.

Voice on PA: This time with lights, please. Thank you.

♪ Me, alive ♪

♪ You make me alive ♪

♪ A final kiss before I burn your body ♪

Also, what the fuck even is this show?

Megan: 'Cause we know that Olivia's gonna go after

those one-issue plastic straw voters,

who aren't even informed, and they don't even know

that it's landfills that are causing

the most pollution in our entire planet.

But we have to appeal to them.

We have to appeal to that dumb demographic.

Hey! You know, that's really rude,

to just rifle through people's things?

What is it? Is it, like, a diary or a journal?

Is it a hit list? Are you an assassin?

It sounds stupid, but I write poetry sometimes.

- Can I hear one? - No.

- Please? - No.

Look, it's...

I'm still fixing them.

Rainbows contain all of the colors,

but white light contains all of the colors of the rainbow.

I am the white light on a cold night.

And if you look just right,

you will see all of the colors inside of me.

There. Now we can get back to recycling.

- That was great. - You don't have to like it.

- I know. - You know, I've never actually

read one of my poems out loud.

Normally when I try to talk to people, they just walk away.

Megan, I'm sorry that I never stuck up for you in student council.

- It's fine. - It's not.

It's not. I'm sorry.

Okay, we really need a stronger stance on cardboard.

Let's just take a break.

I can't just take a break, Sid.

Every minute that we take off

is another one that Olivia Binghman doesn't.

That dirty whore has been trying to steal the council from me for years,

and we are not about to let that happen.

Mm-hmm.

- Your breath stinks. - I'm good.

- I have some in my bag. - Good, 'cause I'm almost out.

I've been meaning to get the average joe perspective.

What do you feel? Paper or plastic?

Yeah, my mom threw a hairdryer at my dad last night.

- I don't know if he bled, but it look like it hurt. - Oh, my God.

- Um... - I wanna believe in love, but I don't know anymore.

Yeah, that's one of life's greatest mysteries.

It's big, right? Like, life-changing.

Mm-hmm, and it's-- just don't feel like it's your fault.

- I'm sure it's not your fault. - It might be.

Sorry. I need a minute.

Yeah, take-- I'm sorry. Yeah.

- I didn't mean to make that weird. - No, no.

- I'm good. I'm surviving. - Yeah, of course.

I just-- I wanna be there and I don't know with to say

because I don't-- I never-- my parents are still in love.

- So, sorry. I just-- - Yeah, thanks for rubbing that in.

- Um, I'm so sorry. - It's okay.

Announcer: Attention, Eastland Frogs.

The student council assembly

will begin in ten minutes in the auditorium.

Where the fuck have you been, Sandagger?

Megan, this is the men's room.

I know. What the hell are you doing in here, huh?

- I'm just peeing. - You peed?

Every great politician knows, "No pee before debate.

It's the pee that makes you great."

I haven't pissed in four days.

Oh, my God. That's incredibly unhealthy.

By the way, your mints, they taste like shit.

- No. Oh, shit. - What?

Are they not mints?

- Uh, kind of. - Kind of?

Okay, there's no such thing as kind of when it comes to mints.

They either refresh your breath or they don't.

They freshen your perspective.

Oh, my God, they're a drug.

I've never taken a drug before!

Get the fuck out of here, Eli!

- Move! - And vote Megan Waters!

Nobody's gonna vote Megan Waters now.

Relax. It's okay.

- I think I need to call my pediatrician. - It's gonna be fine.

I'm-- you're gonna be fine. I promise.

You're gonna go out there,

and you're gonna be yourself,

and everyone's gonna love you.

- No one loves me, Sid! - Jesus.

No one even likes me.

Because people like you and me, we're not pretty.

No! But we're smart.

And that means that we're supposed to have good lives after we leave.

No. Megan, we're gonna start now.

See?

You're gonna be fine, I promise.

Okay.

So what drug was it that we took?

- Oh, okay. - Your turn, your turn.

Hey, everyone. Sid Sandagger.

Uh, it is my strong opinion

that Megan is the fucking best.

- I'm serious, girl, you're such-- - Really?

- Yeah, you're the fucking shit. - Aw, dude.

- I love you so fucking much. - Such good friends. We've blossomed.

- Our friendship has blossomed. - Aww, Sid.

Oh, yeah, of course. Friends.

Okay, I hear ya.

We have evaluated things and come to the conclusion

that you have all been cocks to her.

Yeah, you guys-- you guys have been cocks.

- Yeah. Yeah. - You've been cocks!

Especially you, Jonathan Gliggman.

Yeah, but she is wonderful,

wonderful, if you can't tell already.

- Thank you. - And I think it's about time

that you got to know her yourself.

So, um, well, without much further ado, Megan.

Be yourself. You got this.

Whoo!

I am a prism.

I refract.

But I glow for me.

And I dance for you.

And you and you and you and everybody!

Not her! You made your signs with signs with glitter,

and I went to Kinko's, bitch.

♪ Composting papers on papers ♪

- ♪ Recycle bottles on bottles ♪ - ♪ Skrr, skrr ♪

♪ We're burning bodies like models ♪

♪ And now you inhaled the vapors ♪

♪ You know what you wanted me to spit ♪

- ♪ Whoo, whoo ♪ - ♪ And now you're sorry I did ♪

- ♪ Huh! ♪ - ♪ Losers vote for Olivia ♪

♪ Ballers vote Megan and Sid, you love it ♪

Sid: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Whoo!

Megan, Megan, Megan, Megan!

Megan, Megan, Megan!

Megan, Megan, Megan, Megan!

Megan, Megan, Megan, Megan!

Megan, Megan, Megan, Megan!

Megan, Megan, Megan, Megan!

Megan, Megan...

Jim: Oh, it's a pass to Sandagger!

- Oh, oh! - Sid: I can't believe I'm about to say this,

but as long as you are not falling flat on your face in spandex...

He shoots! He scores!

...standing out might not be the worst thing in the world.

- Sidney! Go, Sidney! Go! - Whoo!

- Whoo! - It certainly has its benefits.

Later, dude.

- Good game, guys. - Good job, Sid.

Tiff Mann might be my destiny,

but sometimes even destiny needs a little nudge.

Break a leg out there tonight, man.

Hello, understudy. I thought I smelled you.

Now, this isn't something I'm super proud

to add to my lifetime achievements,

but Erwin Mueller's a dick.

Announcer: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to tonight's performance of "Frankenstein,"

the new musical by Erwin Mueller,

based on a concept by Mary Shelley.

Tonight, the role of Frankenstein

will be performed by Sidney Sandagger.

The performance will begin in a moment.

- Did he tell you? - No.

Oh.

♪ Oh, how I love thee ♪

♪ And yet you're a monster ♪

♪ A vicious monster ♪

♪ I am a vicious monster ♪

- Wow. - ♪ You must die, monster ♪

♪ But know I will never forget you ♪

- ♪ She will never forget me ♪ - ♪ Goodbye, goodbye ♪

- I can't tell if it's supposed to be a parody. - Is it funny?

♪ A final kiss ♪

♪ Before I burn your body ♪

Sid: Don't get a boner. Don't get a boner. Don't get a boner.

Don't get a boner. Don't get a boner. Don't get a boner.

Don't get a boner. Damn it.

- Oh, shit. - Go, Sid.

Whoo! Yeah, Sid!

My acting coach says I need to follow my instincts.

Huh. Wait, you have a-- you have an acting coach?

- On YouTube. - Well, that's 21st century.

Um, do you want to-- would you like to go maybe

to the Frakas twins' party with me tomorrow?

- Okay. - Oh, yeah. Okay.

Sick. Cool. Uh, dope.

I'll pick you up at 10.

- You'll text me? - I don't have your number.

Sid: Don't have my number.

We love a good cat and mouse, don't we, Tiff Mann?

Hey, bud, you got something on your face.

♪ Go ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

♪ Go, go, trouble in the evening ♪

♪ Take it or leave it ♪

♪ I can really feel it ♪

♪ Stay in on the weekends ♪

Hey, does this shirt make me look fat?

Like, kinda like when I do this?

Oh, no. No. Buttons are totally slimming.

- What time again? - Um, so, 10.

So then I'll pick you up at 9:30 'cause we gotta get Luna first.

- Dude, you're taking Luna? - It's just for show. What?

Mom!

No wonder you don't like Luna. You're too busy falling in love with Sid!

- Mom! Making me date that brown fire hydrant-- - She is a lovely girl.

- She's like Satan in the flesh. - I will smack your ass

- back to next Thursday, okay? - Okay, okay, okay.

That's the kind of woman you could slap around in bed a little.

- Okay, Mom, please stop. - I punched your father in the face!

- Eww, eww! Mom! - And then I got down on him and just went to town!

- Mom! - Si, and...

Okay. What the fuck.

Oh, that was too many knocks. Too many knocks. Okay.

- You're not even gonna say I look nice? - You don't look nice.

You look like an incredibly mean person

because you are one.

You have the mustache of a child molester

and the haircut of a molested child.

Relax, relax.

- Hey. - Hey.

Is that your minivan?

It's Jim's. Great for families.

Fuck my life.

You ever wonder what life is like

for the cool kids?

Well, tonight I find out.

You okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.

- Wanna get a drink? - Oh, yeah.

- Totally. - Let's do it.

Cheers. Let's just go for it. Okay.

- Nice-- oh, you-- - Oh, my God.

- Is this one bad? - Sid, come hit this!

Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!

Chug, chug, chug, chug!

This is literally the coolest fucking party

that I have ever been to in my entire life.

Why doesn't anybody want to go ride a horse with me?

You wanna do one? Guys, let's go--

Dude, give them their moment. Stop hopping on the...

For a moment...

...this party felt like heaven.

Luna: Oh, like you haven't thought about it.

Yo. Why aren't you responding to my texts?

'Cause I don't want to talk to you.

- Okay, let's go for a walk. - No.

We're gonna go for a walk, 'cause we clearly have things--

What the fuck?

- Uh, uh, Chuck. Yo, dawg. - I need you to shut up.

Sid: Who gets out of anger management a week early?

- Fuck you, Switzerland. - Dude, don't.

- Don't do this. - David, Candace, I--

I really appreciate it, but I'm fine.

Well, now I see why you wanted to get me suspended,

you little piece of shit.

Give me one good reason

why I shouldn't kill you right now.

- Uh... - This is it.

Barring divine intervention, I am... dead?

Oh!

- Not again. Oh! - It may not have been a burning bush,

but if an exploding car at the time of your imminent demise

isn't evidence of a higher power,

then I don't know what is.

Halle-fucking-lujah!

Let's get the hell out of here.

- Yeah. - I think God just did that.

That was fucking dope!

Oh, my God.

- Oh, I'm shaking. - It just--

That happened, right? You saw that too?

I feel like we're in a rap video or something.

- What happened? - I don't know.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry.

That just came out. I don't even know what noise that was.

It sounded like you put a pig in a blender.

Um, I'm so confused.

Have you not been texting me this whole time?

No, I told you, I don't have your number.

Look, the truth is, Sid,

I've been trying really hard to like you.

I mean, like that.

That's cool, because I want to like you, too.

And I do like you, so I'm like a success story you can really look up to.

You know, I've just-- I've felt so trapped dating Chuck the past few years.

He and I, we have this cycle.

It's, like, we fight, we break up, we get back together.

He gets into some kind of insane trouble

and I swear that I'm gonna never date him again.

And then I just end up back with him again.

I guess I just thought that maybe if I liked you

then I wouldn't go back to him, you know?

I wouldn't make the same mistake.

But...

But I just-- I don't feel that way about you, Sid.

I'm sorry.

Friends?

She didn't even jerk you off?

Bummer.

Screw, Chuck. He can't touch me.

- What's up, Sid? - Yo.

When he left, I was invisible.

Now I'm invincible.

I'm like a hero, and people protect heroes.

Heroes never die, right?

Uh, hey.

Hey, can I talk to you guys?

I think-- I think that--

I think that you should log off.

Get the fuck outta here.

Okay, I get it. I do.

I love being in here, but I think you're--

I just-- I think you're missing out.

Trust me. I'm you.

We're to living our lives to our full potential.

Out there, the quests don't wait for you like they do in here.

There's a lot more out there than orcs and night elves

and you shouldn't be spending your whole lives hiding.

Yeah, all right. Okay.

Whoa, whoa. Sorry. Hey!

Hey, hey!

Hey! Hey!

- What? - You're, uh...

Katie.

You've been texting me this whole time.

- I'm sorry, okay? I got-- - No.

No, don't say you're sorry.

Just...

...hi.

- Hi. - How do you even know who I am?

I think everyone knows who you are at this point.

You've been weird.

Good weird, though.

And you-- you wanted to help me?

Yeah.

Suck a dick, Chuck.

Why do we all have to pretend that we don't want to fuck each other...

Jim: Hugh Hefner would be so proud of you right now.

Sandagger!

♪ She will never forget me ♪

Do you wanna go on a date with me?

- Really? - Yeah.

I'm going to something after school if you wanna come.

Yeah.

- I'll text you, I guess. - Yeah, please.

You know that I have two moms, right?

And they're both going to hell.

Oh.

Okay.

I just like bits and pieces.

- Of the Bible? - Yeah, of all religions.

Plus, churches are really pretty, and quiet,

and they make boys like you super uncomfortable.

Sometimes it's just nice to be somewhere, you know?

Amen.

Amen.

Jim: Ten seconds left!

He's going! Yeah!

Sandagger!

♪ I spent a lifetime killing me ♪

♪ I found an old soul who disagreed ♪

Hey, can I ask you something?

Yeah.

Did you set Chuck Brawnte's car on fire?

- No. - I had this awful--

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Cool. I can do better.

I wasn't expecting that. So, I can--

Katie:"Let go of the past,

let go of the future,

in the present, let go.

Gone to the other shore of becoming,

mind released entirely,

you will never again undergo birth and old age."

- Wow. That's beautiful. - Isn't it?

- Depressing. - No.

♪ We're still young ♪

♪ We should still believe ♪

♪ We passed out on a city street ♪

♪ We laughed until we couldn't breathe ♪

♪ I spent a lifetime killing me ♪

My mom is eighth grade math,

and my dad is a librarian,

but he likes to be called a media specialist.

- I wanna kiss you again. - ♪ I ain't got nothing ♪

♪ Left to lose ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Watch your head because there's, like, a lot of books.

Like this, Joey.

All right, if you don't poop there,

I'm just gonna tell Mom that you pooped.

Oh, my God.

Jimbo, what's up, brother?

Hey, dawg.

You wanna come chill with us? We're gonna shoot a session.

You need someone to, like, hold the camera or something?

No, bro, we need to get you in a goddamn video.

- You're hilarious. - Uh, all right. Yeah.

Chuck: Jim, Jim! Jim, Jim, Jim!

- All right. - Fuck yeah, baby!

- This fucking kid. - Your dog smells.

I hope you do die, you fucking drug addict.

Hey, guys.

I could press charges, you know?

For what you did to my face?

My mom had to put chapstick on my eyelids.

Okay, what the fuck is going on?

I feel like I'm in a fricking, like,

spaceship right now, right?

You are in a spaceship.

Yeah, I am!

I'm in a fucking spaceship, dawg!

- And your boy, Sid? - Yeah?

Dude, I've been hearing so many stories.

Actually, I have mad respect for the guy.

Dude, he's been going crazy.

He spiked that theater kid's makeup with Icy Hot

just so he could go onstage.

And he got Megan Waters crazy high for her debate.

- Megan fucking waters? - Yeah, yeah.

Chuck: He's just trying to live it up before I X him?

And, dude, he's determined to get laid, too.

He tried sticking it to Tiff Mann.

- But don't worry. She said no. - Yeah?

Jim: Now he's trying to hit on this gamer chick.

He even went to church with her

just so that he could get in her pants

all before you fucking kill him.

Sid, that is cold, brother.

You're not gonna, like, hurt him or anything?

'Cause, like, I'm-- like, I'm down with him.

No, for sure. I'm not gonna hurt him.

- Um... - Dope.

Chuck: 'Cause I'm gonna fucking end him.

I'm gonna beat him so badly

that he's never able to feel a fucking thing ever again.

- Say, "Hi, Sid." - Wait, what?

- Hey! - Slow down!

Fuck off, noob.

What was everyone so upset about?

Yeah, they were part of a list. So what?

I still did all the things they thought were great.

But after the video, everything went to shit.

I was kicked off the ice,

and the rest of the guys refused to play with me.

Megan was put on disciplinary probation for doing drugs,

and then kicked off student council.

Candace re-pledged her eternal abstinence and dumped Dave.

Dr. Capanna: Oh, yeah, sure...

Oh, and guess who decided to be sick today?

- Hey, man. - Dude, seriously? Go away.

- Sid, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - Go, dude.

- I made a mistake. - Don't fucking touch me.

- Leave, man. - I made a mistake. Just hear me out.

Just let me talk for a little bit.

Do you have any idea what the fuck you've done?

- Sid, I do know what I did. - You have literally ruined everything.

All you ever wanted was for someone popular to like you, and they never will.

Luna, was right, Jim.

You are an insecure attention whore

who would literally sell out

the only real friend that you have ever had

for the chance at someone with more fucking followers.

Sid. Sid, I'm sorry, dude.

Sid, come on! Sid!

Jim is an idiot.

Stupid.

I wasn't just trying to get with you.

I promise.

God.

I know.

Aah! God!

This is why I have rules.

This is why I said to shut up

and to stay under the radar

and to not mess with the system.

Because when you speak up, when you care,

and when you stop being afraid,

people will hurt you.

They will find that thing inside of you

that you try so hard to guard and protect,

and they will poke at it and jab at it

until you want to just crawl into a little ball and cry,

and then you might as well be dead.

Why haven't you been answering Jim's DMs?

I don't really feel like talking to him right now.

What he did was stupid.

But what do you expect? It's Jim.

He has the emotional intelligence of a premature baby

and the actual intelligence of one of those baboons with the red asses.

Those are just baboons.

And they use tools, they're brilliant animals.

Well, Jim isn't.

But he's also your best friend.

You're coming to Homecoming tonight, right?

No. I don't have a date. I don't have a ride.

I got you a tie and boutonnière when Jim got his.

Fair warning, he did that dumb thing

where he got the pimp cane and the top hat.

Ugh.

As far as a date goes, fuck it.

Just show up, or you'll regret it.

Chuck will kill me.

- I blew up Chuck's car. - What?

Yeah.

Grain alcohol is surprisingly flammable.

Luna, that's insane. And a felony.

- Maybe. - It is.

- But do you know why I did it? - Because you're fucking nuts?

Because for a moment, you gave everyone hope.

Look at all those people whose lives you affected

just by being an arrogant little shit

by refused to play by the rules and be quiet.

Now everybody just thinks I was using them for some stupid bucket list.

But stay home and hide from Chuck?

You'll be showing them that they're right.

Well, I gotta get back before lunch is over.

For you.

Later, fuckwad.

- I think we have to start over. - You know how to tie a tie?

Can you get a YouTube video just in case?

Oh, did you know that this is called an oriental knot?

- It goes around the tree trunk. - Yeah.

- Did it. - Photo time.

Oh, man, this is my song!

Get up.

- Get up. - Nice cane.

- Thanks. - Look, man, I'm sorry

about some of that stuff that I said.

Yeah, you said some pretty rough stuff.

I do think you care a little bit too much

about being popular, but I get it.

I know how good it felt when I finally started to get some attention,

so I don't blame you.

Boner brothers?

I thought that was you and Dave Guggenheim's thing.

Come on, Jimenez.

You'll always be my boner brother.

I'm gonna go spike the punch.

Give him some time.

Jim doesn't think very fast.

You look nice.

Thanks.

You look beautiful.

I know.

- Um, will you give me a second? - Yeah.

Hey. Um, just--

- Hey, please. - Sid, I don't wanna have this conversation.

This isn't that. It's not that conversation.

This isn't me saying that I made a mistake,

or that there was some big misunderstanding,

or even telling you that you're the love of my life

or the only one for me or anything.

This isn't even me trying to win you back.

- Okay, then what is it? - It's goodbye.

I just-- I wanted to say that I've had

a lot of bad days and a few good ones.

But the ones that I spent with you, Katie, were the best ones.

And I'm so thankful to you for that.

You ready?

I am.

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of high school,

I take with me my memories, I leave behind my regrets.

I have loved, lost, risen, fallen,

and now I face the beyond.

May my beatdown inspire those who still live in fear.

I am Sid Sandagger, and I am no longer afraid!

And I have lived!

Oh, shit. Oh, fuck.

How does this shit fucking work?

That's definitely not how it works.

Hey, buddy. How you feel?

I'm alive?

Yeah, you're alive.

I mean, you look like a Picasso,

but you're alive.

- Oh, my God. - What?

What happened to your face?

Oh, um, I think Luna might've tagged me by accident.

She is so strong.

I think it's the low center of gravity

- and the rage issues. - So what happened?

You went unconscious pretty quickly, and then shit went down.

Coach: Break it up!

Dad, listen to me! I'm a dancer!

What do you mean you're a dancer?

Yeah! You know what else?

I wanna dance!

Somebody dance with me!

Now I know why pimps carry canes!

- Oh, fuck. - You stupid bitch.

- No, I thought we were bros! - Motherfucker!

I'll kill you, you hear me? I'll fucking kill you, bitch!

I hope you choke to death!

I'll protect you.

Protect yourself, bitch.

- Make your melon. - Yes.

- You fought Chuck for me? - Yeah, of course, dude.

You're my best friend.

I'm never gonna let some piece of shit beat the shit out of you.

- Can you walk? - Oh, fuck.

Dude, I haven't even tri-- oh.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, I think so.

Fuck!

Well, anyway, there's some people who might wanna see you.

Yeah, I'm good.

Hey.

Yeah, you're definitely gonna need stitches.

- Ow. Oh, fuck. - Sid! Hey.

♪ Today I took my first breath ♪

Sid, way to take that punch, man.

Oh!

♪ I'm standing on this broken road ♪

♪ I'll find my way back home to you and me ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

So we're agreed on ground rules?

One night only,

and then we never breathe a word of this

- to anyone ever again. - Deal.

Like it never happened.

- Wanna know something? - What?

- I blew up Chuck's car. - God, you're fucking crazy.

♪ Today is the day ♪

Hey.

Hey.

How was your day?

Eventful.

Can we just start over?

Yeah.

I'm Sid.

I know.

Do you wanna dance?

Yeah.

- Oh! - What?

What, what? What, what, what?

- What, what? What? - You bit me!

Why is your tongue so long? Are you trying to get my throat pregnant?

Oh, my God. Why did I think this would be a good idea?

- You kiss like a succubus. - I hate you so much.

What, what?

Will you stick a finger in my butt?

- You are so beautiful. - ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Today is the day ♪

♪ Today is our day ♪

Shit, I have a boner.

Me too.

♪ Today is the day ♪

♪ Today is our day ♪

♪ For your and me ♪

♪ For you and me ♪

♪ For you and me ♪

♪ For you and me ♪

♪ All the roads I've had to choose ♪

♪ And they all led back to you ♪

♪ My eyes are open wide out ♪

♪ But you put the light out ♪

♪ You're running me around ♪

♪ Don't start running me around ♪

♪ Don't start running me around ♪

♪ Don't start running me around ♪

♪ Don't start running me around ♪

♪ I never know how many roads ♪

♪ I'll have to choose ♪

♪ It's not a bed of roses ♪

♪ You never notice ♪

♪ You never knew ♪

♪ I hope you don't hit your back side when you roll out ♪

♪ And you never used to roll the dice till you slowed down ♪

♪ Now I hope you hit your back side, hit your back side ♪

♪ When you roll out ♪

♪ You're running me around ♪

♪ Don't start running me around ♪

♪ Don't start running me around ♪

♪ Don't start running me around ♪

♪ Don't start running me around ♪

♪ Who you calling in the middle of the night? ♪

♪ I know you miss it and you wish it was right ♪

♪ I know you wish you knew what you know now ♪

♪ But I can't take you when you're running me around ♪

♪ All the roads I've had to choose ♪

♪ And they all led back to you ♪

♪ My eyes are open wide out ♪

♪ But you put the light out ♪

♪ I hope you know you're gonna hit ♪

♪ Your back side when you roll out ♪

♪ I know I used to roll the dice ♪

♪ Till I slowed down ♪

♪ I hope you hit your back side,

♪ Hit your back side when you roll out ♪

♪ You're running me around ♪

♪ Don't start running me around ♪

♪ Don't start running me around ♪

♪ Don't start running me around ♪

♪ Don't start running me around ♪

♪ Don't start, don't start ♪

♪ Don't start running me around ♪

♪ Don't start running me around ♪

♪ The cycle never really ends ♪

♪ You and me were left out ♪

♪ I'm stuck inside the glass again ♪

♪ Tell me everything about it ♪

♪ Now I can't explain ♪

♪ Everything inside your brain ♪

♪ Is turning inside out ♪

♪ And upside down ♪

♪ I think I'm just your bad habit ♪

♪ I think I'm just your bad habit ♪

♪ I think I'm just your bad habit ♪

♪ I think I'm just your-- just your ♪

♪ Hurting from a tough crowd ♪

♪ Cool classic playing on the brain ♪

♪ We're craving all the old times ♪

♪ Just to bring back all the pain ♪

♪ Tell me everything about it ♪

♪ Now I can't explain ♪

♪ Everything inside your brain ♪

♪ Is turning inside out ♪

♪ And upside down ♪

♪ I think I'm just your bad habit ♪

♪ I think I'm just your bad habit ♪

♪ I think I'm just your bad habit ♪

♪ I think I'm just your-- just your habit ♪

♪ Makes me wanna scream ♪

♪ Feeling like I'm 17 ♪

♪ Pick a fight and make a scene ♪

♪ Think I'm just your bad habit ♪

♪ I think I'm just your bad habit ♪

♪ I think I'm just your bad habit ♪

♪ I think I'm just your bad habit ♪

♪ I think I'm just your-- just your ♪