Original subtitles

Andrew: I remember I was watching this person

get undressed, I was in the bed watching this person

get undressed and just thinking,

"Wow, I get to do this, this is great."

And so--

so I finished early, um, as you do when

you've never done this before.

And afterwards, I said, "Wow, we should totally go for a coffee,

let's go for pizza".

'Cause I honestly thought and believed that, um, when you

do that with somebody you must be in a relationship.

I was very, very young and I just

wanted to feel wanted by somebody, so--

I kind of pushed that along.

And then, I remember him looking at me

straight in the face and saying,

"Um, no, do you see your chair over there?"

And I said, "Yeah," and he pointed to my wheelchair.

I was in my bed and he said, "Well, I came by because

I felt bad for you, you were just a pity fuck".

And I remember just looking up at the ceiling and just

thinking, "Okay, how do I react,

but maintain my composure and not break down?"

I was so hurt because it had-

I knew people had-

may have felt that way about people with disabilities,

but I'd- I'd never been confronted with it so head on.

♪

♪

Andrew: I've fallen in love many times.

Many, many times have I been in love.

The trouble is, a lot of that love was manufactured.

♪

Andrew: I manufactured these feelings

because I wanted to feel them.

And so the idea of going on dates, being romantic-

I love that idea, but I've never been given the proper

opportunity to do that with somebody.

♪

(busy traffic sounds)

Andrew: Coming out and saying "I'm queer" was easy.

Saying "I'm also queer and disabled" was extremely hard.

Convincing people that I am sexually viable,

especially in my case, where when all the men have been

socialized to see the able-bodied, good looking,

muscular, white male ready to fuck.

Then I roll in, like a big piece of moving furniture,

and then they go

(gasp)

"I don't know how to- I have no framework for this".

All those pretend moments where people are like,

"Oh, you're great. Oh, you're just-"

all that fakeness that people put on goes away.

'Cause you're confronting them with two scary truths:

sex and disability.

Director: Q&A take six marker.

Hi, I'm Andrew.

And I'm Stella.

And-

Both: We are-

Deliciously disable-

Can we do that again without the laughing?

Hi, I'm Andrew.

And I'm Stella.

And we are--

Both: Deliciously disabled-

(laughing)

Can you not, like, yell it like that?

Think about something serious, goddammit!

Hi, I'm Andrew.

And I'm Stella.

And we are--

Both: Deliciously Disabled.

Andrew: Deliciously disabled means that I deal with leg bags,

and condom catheters, and attendants, and all that stuff,

and all the anxiety around sex, or dating,

or boys, or whatever it is.

Honestly, for real.

'Cause typically when people talk about disability,

they do it with kid gloves, they're afraid to really get

in the gritty, nitty, shitty part of it.

And I am not afraid to do that, because it's my life.

(electrical buzzing)

♪

Hi Mom, how are you?

Good, I'm just at the uh-

-at the gym for my first presentation in about five,

ten minutes.

Little bit nervous, I'm excited, all that stuff.

But yeah.

Okay, I'll ta-

I'll call you after.

I'm a podcaster, so I've just turned my radio show into a

podcast where I talk about the reality of sex and disability.

I am the guy that helped co-create that handicapped orgy

you may have heard of that happened last summer in Toronto.

I didn't want to wait for somebody to validate me,

I knew that I had to do it myself.

I like that I'm different, I like that my body is curved,

I like that when I'm naked I don't look normative and

I think my disability enhances my sexual identity a lot.

Um, my question is about your photo where you show

your leg bag and it seemed quite controversial-

Andrew: Yeah.

Audience member: And I know that it's kind of a part of you,

but it's not really a part of you when you're having sex.

So what made you kinda come to that decision?

Andrew: Well, I would-

I hear you, but I would also disagree with you-

Yeah, yeah.

Because when I'm with a partner they have to take it off.

They have to.

I don't-

I'm not calling my attendant care worker just before

my hookup gets here to be like, "Hey, could you ju-

hey, so I'm about to- hey"

No.

Not doing that.

So I will discuss with my partner,

"I need you to remove this and take it off,"

and you know, make it part of the play.

(rain and thunder)

There's been a departure with Pride day.

It used to be a funeral march and now-

Aaron: He's a provocateur and that's what really

attracted me to Andrew's work.

He's subverting conventions that are very popular

in the queer community.

For example, wearing a harness,

or being shirtless, or showing tattoo.

He's taking the vehicle through which a lot of queer folks

express their sexuality and he's doing the same thing

and just showing his body as it is.

And defying the shame and defying the stigma and saying,

"No, I don't accept that I'm just supposed to be in my chair

and lonely and untouched".

We need to talk about and admit that disability is scary,

and we need to have social media where disability

is openly and readily discussed.

Do you find, um, that, uh, you're more successful, uh,

and have a better time when you inform people that

you're in a wheelchair before hand or not?

Because some people can be quite upset and I find that

it's sort of a fifty-fifty type of scenario

is where I'm at at the moment.

I have many times not disclosed, just to see how the individual

would react to me first, but I found that by not doing that,

then I was not being true to myself.

For me personally, I own all of it,

all of the crippled parts of myself.

So I tell them right off the bat I'm in a chair.

That's part of all my profiles everywhere.

Everybody knows that I'm the deliciously disabled

queer people guy.

Also, uh, you-

you put up a point earlier that you're

the most sexy guy in a wheelchair around.

I really-

I really wanna give you a run for your money on that one.

And you really might not be able

to pull that off here in Vancouver.

(applause)

(traffic noise)

The work I'm doing, I guess it started a couple years ago

once I moved from Ottawa to Richmond Hill.

I'd moved from the university environment where you have

roommates and classes and people around you all the time,

to the little suburb of Toronto where nobody really comes

and I was living here alone.

On my 29th birthday I had-

I was just really upset one day and I said,

"Okay, I'm gonna do something for myself".

I was just really unhappy and I had a lot of stuff that I had

bottled up and kept in and not discussed.

And so I was sitting at home by the computer and I just started.

I had a blog called: "The Truth About Being Crippled".

And I just wrote about all the stuff nobody really talks about.

And I loved that, because that's where I started

really telling the truth, or at least my truth of disability.

♪

Hey guys, Andrew here of Deliciously Disabled.

I just wanna say thank you for all your donations.

We're so excited about the Justify My Love second annual

sex positive play party where people--

Stella: Oh, this place looks a lot different during the day-

Andrew: Right?

-than at night.

But it's a great space though.

It's good.

I hope we can fill it up again this year.

And I'm thinking chairs over here for some guests,

uh, some tables-

Do we wanna put some streamers, something with glitter?

The party last year was like the grenade, you know?

Like, we threw a grenade in the public eye and said,

"Hey," you know, "we're over here, we're people too.

And by the way, one of the things

that we care about is sex".

Andrew: The term "handicapped orgy" or "disabled orgy"

splashed all over the world 'cause it's taboo.

♪

We were talking to people from Germany, France, New Zealand,

Australia, everywhere, like, quick.

"Orgy, orgy, orgy.

Toronto's having a-

the first disability-

-disabled orgy in the world".

And- I was like, "No, it's not an orgy!

No- it's a sex-positive fully accessible party!"

Um, but the truth is that word got us a lot of attention

and people started taking an interest.

♪

Stella: In the bedroom is one of the places where I can feel

truly free with whoever I am.

It's all about us, it's all about what's happening at that

moment, it's all about the- the enjoyment, the pleasure.

And I'm multi-orgasmic, so I guess that's part of it too,

there's a certain freedom in having that kind of release.

I don't necessarily feel disabled, right, I just feel

like a woman who's having great sex.

(laughs)

Like, if you think about our relationship, right?

Like imagine if we were partners, which we are,

except we don't have sex-

We- totally-

The chair is auxiliary.

Yeah.

It's just like my blackness-

(laughs)

-is auxiliary.

Although, I did describe you this morning as-

they were literally like, "What does she look like?"

I was like, "She's a tiny black woman, look for that".

(laughing)

Yeah, but "tiny" came first.

Both: Yeah.

I met Andrew during orientation week at university.

And there was, you know,

a circle forming around this person.

So I tried to squeeze through and I saw Andrew.

And I thought,

"Oh my goodness, this guy is just rockin' it out".

And he has his dance, you know,

it's very signature Andrew dance style.

And I thought,

"This guy is dancing like no one is watching".

So afterwards, I went and talked to him and said, you know,

introduced myself and he said,

"Why don't, you know, we go up to my room and watch some T.V.?"

And I was like, "Yes!

I'm gonna score first week!

Awesome!"

We got into his room and he said,

"Oh, can you help me onto the bed?"

And I was like, "Woo-hoo! It's happening"

And I kinda, like, leaned in a bit and he's like,

"Oh wait, hang on, I'm gay".

And I was like, "Oh-- I see".

(laughs)

And, we know, we've been friends ever since.

Do you remember the day we were in your dorm room

and what's her name?

She's sitting in your room and she goes,

"Tinashe? So-- how does he do it?"

And you go--

Come on.

You stop and you go, "He's right here and he can hear you".

It's like ask him the question

if you wanna stay stupid stuff like that.

-and so we walked away and started laughing.

Yeah, I find that really frustrating, it's like,

don't ask dumb questions.

It's like, if you're supposed to be an educated person

don't ask things that are dumb.

Yeah, people are still asking, "How do you have sex?"

Ha, you should say, "Lemme show you".

(laughing)

Yeah, I do.

That's what I do say.

I say, "Okay, you wanna find out?

I'll show you".

"Oh, what's wrong with you?"

Well, nothing until this interaction right now, like--

(laughing)

You're pissing me off is what's wrong with you.

When somebody says all that type of stuff, it's coming from

a place where they're assuming you are asexual.

Or some people who think, like, it's an abomination.

Yeah, yeah.

So it's not so much "can you?"

But it's like, "is it possible?"

First of all, or "do you even want to?"

The mythology in this day and age is so boring.

(laughing)

That's true.

I'm so tired of that question.

If you're really wondering if I can or not-

Mm.

-you're basically- you're basically saying that

you don't think I have value there.

Right.

Sex is a human right.

Sexual health, sexual well-being, sexual interactions.

The World Health Organization says it is a human right.

But there seems to be people, for whom it is denied,

for who it is not accepted.

So clearly, it's so fundamental that people are asking,

"are you human enough?

Can you participate in this fundamental aspect of humanity?"

♪

Oh, fuckity-fuck.

Stell?

What?

Do you have- do you have-

I forgot to tell you that Rick Hanson thing?

Yeah?

Is due today.

Hi Lauren, colon new paragraph.

The article looks great, could I get you the file

over the weekend, period.

I remember when speech recognition was so bad that

you would have to stop between every word.

I know, I'd like take a big breath and be like "period!"

Yeah.

"Capital T!"

Well that's when I learned how to type, I was like,

"fuck this, I'll just teach myself how to type".

They made me type in, like, grade 9 type class and I-

I failed it every single time.

I had learned my own way to do it

and the school didn't like that.

They were like," No, your hands have to be on the right keys."

And I was like,

"Guys, look at my hands they're deformed, fuck off."

Stella: When it's just about sex,

I'm just a notch on somebody's bedpost.

Right?

I'm just a box to tick of, "Oh I've-

I've been with a disabled chick."

They don't ever have to introduce me to their parents

or their friends or to take me out in public.

I can be invisible.

I can be just somebody behind closed doors.

I think there's an interesting dichotomy that happens

where sometimes I feel invisible and other times

I feel like a freakshow.

You know, like, you go out with your girlfriends

and they get whistled at and hollered at and--

super offended and I'm just like,

"Well, I wish somebody would do that to me."

Just be up front, dude.

You're hot, I wanna hook up with you, good enough?

Stella: I have spinal muscular atrophy.

Basically anything that requires fine motor control I can manage,

but anything that requires any degree of muscle strength

is more challenging for me.

I have a hard time lifting a metal fork, for example,

things like that.

Yep, let's put out that on.

Look, I have not tried this on yet,

so I have no idea what this is gonna look like.

It's-

-good.

You're saying that with trepidation-

wait my arm is falling over, that's why.

That's not so good.

You have people doing things for you all the time, taking you

to the washroom, bathing you, you know, giving you food.

I really like that one.

The stones on my bra will really pop under that.

Stella: A lot of PSWs are very conservative

and feel uncomfortable around issues of- of sexuality.

If there is anything happening where the- the Personal Support

Worker feels uncomfortable, they can actually deny services.

And so it's just strange to think about there being

limitations on what someone who is essentially your surrogate

body in many ways can't do certain things for you,

or they don't want to.

I've had to find all kinds of creative ways of doing

the things that I would like to be able to do sexually.

Stella: Koreans, they know how to make condoms.

Like, they fund computers,

because communication is considered a basic access need,

but apparently access to your genitals is unimportant.

And ready?

One, two, three.

Ready, Andrew?

Yup.

Imagine it, you're lying in bed, this person

who's basically a stranger to you comes in and touches you,

personally, to get things done.

(trimmer buzzing)

(water running)

Andrew: And often times I don't want them to touch me either.

I don't like it when everyone's down on my junk touching me

when it-but I know I have to do it to-to do my day.

In that moment when they're touching you,

that body part isn't yours anymore.

They are- they have taken control of that to give you

the care you need and it's no longer yours.

I'm just gonna wash between you legs, okay?

Mhm.

Ready?

Mhm.

That's what I would refer to as transactional touching.

You just crave real touch and somebody wanting to touch you.

I was given a device-

a sex toy, but I can't get it out of the box,

and I can't open it and I can't do all these things,

so I needed somebody to assist me.

So having to have the conversation

with one of my attendant workers about,

"can you come in and help me put this on?"

And then, "can you give me some time away?"

That was really awkward, because she agreed and we did it

and it was okay, but having somebody to have to put

this device on while also when you're trying to be relaxed

and they're setting up for the cleanup

and they're still in your space-

It can be really uncomfortable.

♪

Andrew: So I'm sitting there with this thing turned on

and it's doing its thing, it's vibrating,

but I'm not turned on in any way.

I'm trying really hard to figure out how to-

how to get into the zone and then I had to call and say,

"'Kay, well nothing happened, can you come and remove it?"

And the whole- so the whole experience was--

eye opening 'cause I realized how inaccessible

the idea of a sex toy can actually be when you factor in

all the other stuff a person with a disability needs.

♪

(chatter)

Look straight down still.

Oh, that's what we wanted.

I'll be okay with that.

It's actually weird, 'cause, like, in the modeling community

there's a lot of people with my disability and we all have

issues finding work, even tough, like--

When I'm in my wheelchair, I've had old women talk to me like

I'm four years old and be like, "Oh, aren't you nice, dear,

being out and about."

And I'm like, "I'm on my way to work,

why are you treating me like I'm five?"

I do mostly alternative and fetish modeling where there's

a little bit more variety in body types,

but it's not always clear in the image that I'm disabled.

It's nice to be able to just be like,

"No, I'm just- this is just me."

So having it front and center, claiming sexuality as a thing

that's our right no matter what our abilities are

is super powerful.

♪ I'm beat, I'm wrecked

♪ I'm hanging over the deck

♪ And I just keep on going, on and on, on and on ♪

♪ I still got some sense

Photographer: Are you comfortable undoing your shirt?

Yeah?

Would you be okay taking your jacket off?

Just so I can see your tattoos?

That's cool.

Photographer: Put- put- put both hands on- on his shoulders.

Is that okay?

Yeah.

Photographer: And then look at- look back at me.

That's awesome.

♪ I'm a little bit spent ♪

♪ but I know I'm gonna get back up and do it again ♪

♪ Drink, smoke and two shots to go ♪

♪ In to your house and outta my clothes ♪

♪ Got a lonely heart, got a lonely heart ♪

♪ Got a lo-lo, got a lonely heart ♪

♪ Love sucks, I just wanna touch ♪

♪ Getting down with bad boys picking me up ♪

♪ Got a lonely heart, got a lonely heart ♪

♪ Got a lo-lo, got a lonely heart ♪

People from within the community have said the party is stupid

and that we shouldn't do it and oh my god-

Really, why?

People said we shouldn't do it,

it should be- like, "Oh my god, you're heathens

and why, like, why would that-"

Like they literally called us heathens,

like, whoa that's weird.

Like "How dare you, this is a- sex is a sacred and private

thing and- means so much to the disabled community,"

-and blah blah.

And all we're saying is, "We're not asking you to have sex,

we're not doing that, we're just providing a space."

People wanna fetishize me, go ahead.

To be frank, I'd rather be fetishized

than discriminated against.

I'd rather be fetishized than told I don't exist.

I'd rather be seen as a fetish than not seen at all.

If I really had to choose.

I don't like that.

I- I totally see what you're saying, on the spectrum

of prejudice and discrimination that's kind of like

the next step forward.

But aren't we trying to get so much more ahead?

I am and I'm just, like, I'm doing that through the work,

but society's not there yet.

Our media does not show disabled people, period.

But particularly in gay-

in gay male media, which is geared towards sex,

there's no hot guy in a chair.

But that's the challenge that I've taken on.

♪

(camera clicking)

♪

(camera clicking)

♪

He's not afraid.

And why should he be?

Or why should anyone like him be afraid?

He's not afraid to literally bare his soul and say,

"Look at me, because otherwise you're never looking at me.

And if you never look at me, you're never gonna see me.

So I'll tell you what, I'm gonna stand right up, I'm gonna take

it off and I'm gonna stand right in your face and say,

"you look at me" and you can scoff, you can guffaw,

you can laugh, I don't really care,

but you're gonna look at me, and then you will hear me.

And then the game changes."

Okay.

Perfect.

Good job, man.

Good driving.

Thank you.

Hey thanks for bringing him.

Alright.

And then I'm gonna- 'kay I'll do that much and then-

And then I'll just-

Yeah, just- you do it as much as you can.

Look at what you're doing.

Yes, very nice.

Look at you, you have a skill, you have a knack.

I can just-

Try to produce your little spasticity and see what happens.

(laughing)

Usually you kind of- you have to control it.

Look it's actually getting fluffy.

Push, push, push.

Push, push- don't be spastic now, wouldn't be good.

(laughing)

Andrew: I wasn't diagnosed with cerebral palsy

I think until I was about one.

My disability has always been a part of me growing up.

It's never something that I could escape 'cause I had the

chair and I had all these things and my body was different.

And so I never could escape it, but I never wanted to.

My family never made it so that I couldn't do anything,

I was always included in everything.

I was included in every family outing, every vacation,

everything was done around: "How do we bring Andrew?"

I have a lot of catching up to do.

You're having a party?

Yeah.

What's with the party?

The same party I had last year, the sex party.

Oh.

We're doing it again I- we paid for-

I went to see the guy yesterday.

Where is it?

When is it?

Buddies on August 12th, so-.

I'll still be here.

Do you wanna come to a sex party?

Well, I'm not gonna come for the reasons

others might wanna go for.

But, you can come.

The cakes are perfect.

(doorbell ringing)

Oh-

Andrew: Ding dong.

Game on, who's here?

Andrew: Did you get me that stripper that I asked for,

is that what that is?

I didn't wanna tell you, but-- could be.

I didn't let him get away with anything ever, ever.

And the reason was 'cause he had to be stronger

than the other kids.

So, okay, what did I do?

When he was little, he could pull one arm and one leg,

but when he would crawl he didn't like it.

Do you like exercise?

No.

So every morning I would get him out of his bed

and put him on the floor.

School bus is coming and we can't be late

for the school bus, that's the thing, okay.

We're looking at about, I would say 25 feet up the hall

and then he's gotta do another about 10 feet

to get 'round the other side of the door.

So then I'm there like the military person.

"You're doing this and you're gonna-

you're gonna make that time."

He protesteth much.

(laughs)

And I stood firm.

And he did it.

Yeah.

Why didn't I just get a thing that says, "32"?

Yeah.

I dunno.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you- ♪

Andrew: When you're a kid on the playground kids can be cruel,

um, and that's kinda where I learned that I was

kinda different, when kids wouldn't approach me.

So the feeling of being the boy in the chair and looking

for connection has always been something that has followed me

through my life and it entirely informs the work I do.

♪ It's so delicious, oh so delicious, it's so delicious ♪

I think sex work is such an important part

of the disabled sexual narrative.

My issue with it is that I think people sometimes

elevate the sex worker as some sort of savior

above the person with the disability.

That's where I think the problem lies,

what do you think about that?

Well, I'm very pro-sex work and I actually think that

the government should pay for it.

Right?!

Yeah I can- I can high five to that, yeah.

Many times I thought about hiring somebody,

but I would immediately be met with,

"No, that's not the responsible thing to do, you gotta eat."

200 bucks is like-- groceries for a month.

So even though I'd wanna feel connected with my queerness-

Hey, how're you doing?

Andrew: And disability all together-

Good.

Andrew: The immediate thought after that was:

"You gotta feed yourself."

But I have done, once, and not surprisingly,

I got what I needed, not what I wanted.

So I got the release, they did their job,

but I certainly didn't feel connected.

And what I- what I learned from that experience

was that I wanted connection.

So I've done it, I'm not ashamed of it,

but I don't know if I would do it again.

What was the worst?

The worst?

I remember the time I was in the- in the elevator with a guy

and I went to the door to open and I went to get out

and I turned around and he was gone.

Yuh.

Never saw him again.

And then I- and then I-

You opened the door and he turned and ran?

And well ran back down the elevator and I didn't hear it

'cause I was turning the door and kind of, like, talking

to him weird like you know, pre-fuck small talk.

(laughs)

I was trying to like, you know warm him up to like this

whole thing and I turned around and he's gone.

No way.

Yeah.

I always say to Andrew that I would've been with him

from the start.

Um and so it does break my heart to see the lack of acceptance.

♪

Andrew: This year we wanted to be safe and not say orgy

because we wanted to be a little more classy but by doing that,

we lost a lot of cachet.

The last time that I was here, we were planning it,

there was discussion of where things would go and blah blah

and now everything is dead, it's dead.

Press release went out this year

and it just didn't garner a lot of hits really.

It really didn't-

It was bittersweet 'cause part of me was like

okay, they're not sensationalizing me

but they're not noticing me at all.

Crap.

That scared me, I was expecting-

(woosh)

And it was like a little tiny blip.

With disability, it has to be sensationalized

or infantalized for it to be newsworthy.

♪

It's painfully familiar when you are disabled.

That feeling of despair and disappointment is very,

I'm very-

I'm comfortable with it almost.

But I know that I have a story to tell, I'm not done.

By no means, by no stretch am I finished.

Interviewer: So freakshow, invisible,

which one would you choose if you had to?

Freakshow.

I would- I would totally run with it.

♪

Yeah, you can call me a freak, go ahead.

You can call me a gimp, call me a cripple

whatever the hell you want to call me, great.

But here's what I'm actually doing.

Let me tell you.

♪

I've created opportunities for others to see me

as a real person.

I hope that when you see me, you see me in the chair.

You understand that reality.

But you also understand that I have embraced it for what it is

and I'm going forward with it.

♪

Yeah I know you're fucking scared, but guess what, so am I.

Let's be scared together and talk about that

and figure it out.

♪