Original subtitles

(intense dramatic music)

(graphics whooshing)

(intense dramatic music)

(upbeat pop music)

- [Samantha] It seems everyone has found love but me.

What is love?

And where do you find a good man?

Could you tell me, please?

I want to walk in the park with someone.

I want to laugh with the love of my life.

And when will I find that true love?

It must be true that all men

are broken, busted, misfits,

married,

or

in jail.

What does it take to have a good marriage?

Heck, even a good relationship?

- [Host] And minimizing your television and phone time

before bed, but keeping everything ready for morning.

For example, if you wish to go to the gym,

then put out your gym outfit before you go to bed.

- All right. What are we watching today?

- Hey, we watching something that's telling me

how to get up early.

- Okay.

- But I have a question for you.

Were you out to lunch when I was talking about love?

With that being said,

I always wanted to perform the wedding

of my daughter and future son-in-law,

but honey, you can't marry hope.

You got to marry a man.

So let me give you the pages of love.

For the letter A, you want an anointed man.

Anybody can be dipped in water.

I'm talking about the true anointing.

You want a man that will accommodate,

appreciate, accept, and acknowledge you.

For the letter B, you want a Bible-believing man,

a man that is benevolent,

a man that is not broke,

and one that will not leave you brokenhearted.

- Not broke. Not broke.

- And for the letter C,

you can't seek comfort under the covers.

You want a man that is credible,

concerned, considerate,

and will make a commitment to you

and make you his centerpiece.

You know, like a classic man.

- Mmm, I love a classic man.

- So you want a companion?

- No, my shirt says it all.

I have my dog,

'cause men are either broke, married, busted,

or getting three squares a day.

- Three squares? What's that?

- Three square meals a day in jail,

where the taxpayers are paying for their medical,

dental, and vision.

- Gotcha. Never heard it put that way though before.

Well, I know someone.

His name is Mariano and he's an accountant.

- An accountant or an errand boy?

- Now wait a minute.

Would I suggest an errand boy for you?

- Hmm.

- He jogs three miles every evening in the park.

Want me to give him your number?

- Don't give no broke, busted bum my number.

I'll meet him there.

- Okay. - Bye.

- See you later.

(upbeat pop music)

- Hoo, been a long time since I had a steak.

You, uh, you mind? You got this?

Well, see, I was running earlier,

and I didn't wanna be late,

so I, I left my wallet at home.

I got you next time.

(date sighs)

(knuckles rapping)

- Knock, knock, baby girl. How are you?

- I'm doing good. How are you doing?

- I'm okay.

- How was your date?

- Well, I didn't meet your next daddy,

if that's what you're asking.

- Oh Jesus, Mom.

I'm really not trying to see you be lonely.

How about you meet a man on his death bed?

And that green can keep you company,

if you know what I mean.

- You're all the company that I need, thank you.

- Mmm, I wouldn't move so fast.

I can't fulfill those needs right there.

- Okay. Goodnight and I love you.

Bye.

- I love you, too.

Sugar daddy

dating website.

(traffic humming)

(indistinct background chatter)

- [Samantha] Hi, are you Paul?

- Yes I am.

- Well, good evening. How are you?

- I'm sparkling fine.

But that's lookin' great.

I'm alive and not in jail.

Call it a win.

- [Samantha] Hmm.

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

- [Samantha] Hey, Mom. - What's up?

- [Samantha] I had another bad date.

- What happened?

- [Samantha] He was complimenting my breastuses

and basically said he's glad he is not jail.

- Honey, I'm sorry that happened.

Well, today is Wednesday and you know we'll have

our pajama party tonight and we can talk about

the pages of love.

So come on over so we can have our pajama party.

- [Samantha] Okay. Can you believe this dude?

- I cannot.

Where did you meet this person at?

- [Samantha] Social media datin'.

- Well, I think it's time to put social media dating

to bed, okay?

- [Samantha] I agree, 'cause he was trying

to take me to bed.

- Sorry about that, honey.

I'll see you later tonight, okay?

- [Samantha] All right. - All right. Bye-bye.

Oh, look at that.

- You see how these lions are fierce?

- Yeah.

- We need men to be fierce about paying child support.

- I'm sorry about your bad date, but you will find love.

Did you ever meet up with Mariano?

- No, not till Saturday.

- Well, he is a nice guy.

- I don't like blind dates by you,

and you say everybody is nice.

- Mariano is nice.

But anyway, let's get back to our pages of love

for the letter D.

You want a determined, distinguished man,

one who won't leave you disappointed.

- I think you forgot a D word in there.

- What word was that?

- You don't want a dog of a man?

- No, you don't want a dog of a man,

but don't compare a dog and a man.

Dogs are loyal.

- Hmm, that is so true.

I just don't have on my dog T-shirt today.

- Maybe you can wear it tomorrow.

Now, on to the letter E.

For the letter E, you want an educated man.

You want a man who is eager to serve you.

You want a man who will enrich your life and encourage you.

Lastly, you want a man who will speak

edifying things over you.

For the letter F, you want a man who is fond of you,

will make you his favorite person,

and also a man that's gonna be faithful.

- I think you need to revamp your pages of love, dear.

You forgot how many Black men are distinguished?

Can you get off of your Black thing?

Stop livin' in the past.

- I know you have these children and the Black men

aren't paying the child support, but let's move on.

Find somebody who's nice,

who's gonna be willin' to take care of you,

your lovely children, and that's gonna be good.

You will find love.

- A Black man?

- I don't care what color the man is.

Just find love and live a full life.

- Black love is true.

- Black love is true. It's got to be.

You see all these Black people running around here?

They're doing something to procreate.

- Procreate. What does that mean?

- To make babies.

- Mmm. Okay.

I'm gonna go ahead and take the remote

because you are watching too much Hallmark Channel.

- Can you stop it?

- [Samantha] Love is always a gamble,

and I have been gambling with my love life.

I've had my fair share of bad men,

let me tell you.

There was Charles, who couldn't charm his way into a job.

Then there was Scott

in sales who wanted a side piece.

Then there was Kyrie,

who wanted you to pay.

- Why do you and Dad have such a good relationship?

- Relationships are work.

We have a strong foundation.

We've got trust, grace, peace, loyalty,

and a whole lot of love.

- You talking like your life is a Lifetime movie.

- Well, your Dad loves me.

He's accepted you as his daughter.

And where do you think Lifetime is getting

those stories from?

Somebody's experiencing a fairytale love.

- Okay, well it ain't me.

But I don't want to be one of those girls

who can't find love because something's wrong with her.

Now it really is true that all the good guys

are either taken or in jail.

- Well, when you're fishin' the gutter,

you're gonna come up with sewage and rats.

- Tell me about that.

- Baby, it's all in God's timin'.

- Well, let's see about God's timing

'cause I have a date this Friday.

- Why did you have all those kids?

- (laughs) Because I was young, dumb,

full of eggs and I was looking for somethin' supersized.

- Did you find your supersize?

- No, more like a Hershey's chocolate chip.

- Well, you've got no size now.

Stop lettin' those men get you high off promises

and drunk off cheap dreams.

- I like that one. You should sell that phrase.

- I think I may.

But I want you to stop it.

- Yes, ma'am. - Okay, good.

(kids playing) (people talking indistinctly)

- Hey.

- [Samantha] Hi, are you Mariano?

- Yeah. Are you Sam? - [Samantha] Yes.

- Nice to meet you. - [Samantha] Likewise.

- You look great. - [Samantha] Thank you.

- Thank you for coming out.

But you know you can take off your mask, though.

I don't have Covid.

- [Samantha] You know, it's okay. I'm good.

(Mariano laughs)

- Well, your mom does say nice things about you, though.

- [Samantha] She says that about everybody.

- Oh, ha-ha. Okay.

- [Samantha] Let's cut the chit chat.

Are you single?

- Yeah. Why do you ask?

- [Samantha] Because I ain't got time for games.

- Okay, well, I'm not playing any, but,

so do you wanna go on a horseback ride with me actually?

- [Samantha] What? On an old nag?

- No, like a horseback through the country.

- [Samantha] How much is it?

- You don't have to worry about that.

I'm a real man. I pay for all of that.

- [Samantha] Mmm, we'll see.

- Come on. Let's go for a walk.

Get to know each other.

(bright pop music)

(horse chewing)

Thanks for coming on this date with me.

- Okay, this is a date?

- Yes. (rooster crows)

No. - Okay, then.

- Yes. - Yes.

- [Rae] Hi, guys.

- How you doing? - Hi.

- [Rae] Welcome to the ranch.

So I'm gonna walk you guys through a little bit

of horse safety before we get started.

- Okay.

- If you guys wanna follow me over to the arena,

we can get started.

- Okay. - Okay, great.

- Gonna be fun.

- So when we open the gate,

we always open the gate the way that the horse is going in.

So if we're gonna go into the gate, we wanna open it in.

That way she doesn't get stuck in it.

- [Samantha] Okay.

- It's safe for you guys, it's safe for her.

So I'm gonna have you guys stand over here.

And I'm gonna turn her around.

- [Samantha] Okay, good. Thank you.

- [Rae] You're welcome.

(engine rumbling)

Okay, you guys are welcome to come in.

And I will shut the gate behind you.

All right, so I'm gonna move her over.

We're gonna walk in. - [Mariano] Okay.

- So you guys can stand on this side.

- [Mariano] Oh, sorry. - [Rae] That's okay.

Come on. Stand right here.

Thank you.

Okay, here we go.

(Mariano talking indistinctly) (Samantha laughs)

(Rae talking indistinctly)

All right, you ready to go?

- Yup.

- [Rae] All right, so climb up to the very top.

It's gonna be wiggly 'cause it's on the sand.

All right, this hand goes here.

And.

Just get her.

One hand on the back of the saddle.

There you go. And just swing over and sit down.

There you go. - Oh my god.

- [Rae] The saddle is gonna move.

How do you feel?

- It's cool. - [Rae] Good?

- [Mariano] Yeah.

- [Rae] All right, now I want you to take a deep breath in.

Deep breath out. Wiggle your shoulders.

It's supposed be fun.

You'll be all right. - Nah, feels good.

(bright pop music)

- Ah, a horseback ride?

This is so nice.

And it is so refreshing for me

to not have to pay for the date.

I tell you, men.

Mmm.

He smells so good.

And oh, he feels good, too.

(bright pop music)

Thanks for the horseback ride.

- Yeah, definitely. It was fun.

Thank you for coming out on this date with me.

Hope I get to see you soon again.

- I don't let men come to my house, I'm sorry.

- Well, you can come to my house and I can cook for you.

I'm free around seven on Saturday.

- You want me to come by to meet your girlfriend?

(Mariano laughs)

- I told you I ain't got no girlfriend.

You the only one I'm seeing.

- Only time we'll tell.

- Okay, come on, let's go.

- So how was your date with Mariano?

- [Samantha] It was good. He's nice.

- I told you.

- [Samantha] You don't know him like that.

Anyways, Alexa, is it legal for men

to not pay child support?

- [Alexa] Here's something I found on the web.

According to huffpages.com,

each day thousands of men are taken to court,

ordered to pay their child support

and placed in jail if they do not pay.

- [Samantha] Thank you. I like your response.

- Well, Alexa can't help you,

but my pages of love can.

For the letter G, you want a godly man.

You want a great, giving, generous gentleman.

- [Samantha] Yes.

- Now for the letter H, you want a happy, humorous,

healthy man and one that won't leave you heartbroken.

For the letter I, you want an inspirational,

intelligent man, and you want a man that can

give you true intimacy,

because after the sex is gone,

intimacy will be what you need.

Now, that's enough of our pages of love.

Let's get ready for bed, okay?

Goodnight.

- [Samantha] Okay. Goodnight.

Thank you so much. - Okay.

(knuckles rapping)

- Hey. - [Samantha] Hi.

- Thanks for comin'.

- [Samantha] Wow. You have a nice home.

Has a woman's touch.

Is this Airbnb?

- Oh, ha-ha. No, it's not.

But I am looking for somebody to share this with.

- Good luck.

- Well, for a first date,

I thought we should do a little bit of a Bible study,

if that's okay with you,

to come join me at the table?

- Great. I have the Bible on my phone.

- I bought you one. - Oh, thank you.

- No problem.

Let me anoint you with some oil and do a little prayer.

"No weapon formed against you shall prosper.

Lift up my eyes to the hill.

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip.

He watches over you."

- [Samantha] Hmm, first date, Bible study.

Good start, but what's the catch?

(gentle acoustic music)

- "The Lord knows the thoughts of man.

He knows that they are futile."

- Amen. Thank you for reading the word of God.

- Definitely.

- [Samantha] That was lovely.

- Makes you think about that.

- I think this is a great first date,

reading the word of God.

- I'm glad. - Can't go wrong with that.

- I'm glad you had a good time.

- I did.

- I hope I get to see you again for sure.

- You will.

(melodic pop music)

- Mmm.

How's your food?

- Good, thank you.

- No problem. Let me get the check.

Oh. - You don't have your wallet?

You know what? I'm not here to pay your damn bills.

- I understand.

I want us to be successful together, not apart.

- I go to PTA meetings by myself,

gymnastics by myself as a single parent,

and it's quite embarrassing.

- I understand.

I can't take away the pain from your past relationships,

but I can fix it by showing you how much

I adore and love you.

- [Samantha] Mmm-hmm.

- Okay.

You have a lot of bad memories stored

in your mental Rolodex,

but now I think it's time for you to hop on board

a cloud-based company man.

Come on, let's get outta here.

- Did you find your wallet?

- No.

I think they might take Apple Pay, though.

I'll go check. - Okay.

(knuckles rapping)

- Hey. - [Samantha] Hi!

- Welcome.

Nice to see you again.

- Likewise.

- Please, come sit down. - Okay.

- Okay.

(water bubbling)

Think this is all ready for you.

- Okay.

- Put one foot in here,

one foot up here.

Tell me a little bit more about yourself.

- Well, I love guns.

I'm a Christian.

I like going to the gym.

I'm a single mom who ain't got time for games

and I'm not gonna sleep with you.

- Well, all right.

I wasn't looking for any of that,

but how old are your kids?

- 21 and 15. - Oh, that's good.

Can't wait to have kids of my own.

- Okay.

- How does that feel?

- It feels good, but what are you up to?

- How does it feel?

- Oh, it feels good. Thank you.

- No problem.

So let's get this toe dried up.

I got a couple of selections of paint for you, too.

- Okay.

- You wanna pick a color out?

Here's your couple of options for you.

You like any of these?

- I like this color here.

- Okay, nice color.

Little bougie, but it's okay.

Oh, you like the buttery colors, huh?

(Samantha giggles)

Okay, so this little piggy went to the market.

(upbeat pop music)

So, what do you like to do?

- I like to pray, travel, cook,

and spend time with the kids.

- Okay, so all the same things I like doin'.

- Okay.

(water bubbling)

- Okay.

I think we're all done here.

Just let those dry up a little bit.

How does it look?

- Wow, it looks better than what any shop could do.

- Oh, stop. It look that good?

- It does. - I try.

So it was a fun date with you today again.

I love always seeing you.

You mind coming back next week, same time?

- Sure. Sounds good.

- You want anything else?

You got anything else you wanna do?

You hungry or anything?

- I actually am hungry. I love Thai food.

- Oh, there's a Thai pool place around the corner

if you want to go after your feet dry and all that.

- Okay, sounds good.

- Okay, let's just wait for it to dry.

Then we can hit the road.

- Okay.

- Clean all this up, too.

(audience laughs)

(knuckles rapping)

Hey. - [Samantha] Hi!

- How you doin'? - Good.

- You look gorgeous. - Thank you.

- Thank you for coming.

Please join me at the dining room table.

I got a surprise for you.

- [Samantha] What, your girlfriend?

- No, that's getting old.

That comment's not funny anymore.

- Neither are the games men play.

- Okay, but I'm not just any man.

I'm a gentleman. - Hmm, okay.

- Come on, come join me.

Well, for today, I thought I'd start by massaging

your hands and painting your fingernails,

if that's okay with you.

- Wow. Thank you.

This is a nice setup.

- Thank you.

I got a couple colors for you to pick out, too.

Which one would you like?

I think I'll go with the Diamond Shimmer.

- Oh, okay. Gettin' a little bougie on me.

Let's get started.

I will try not to miss. (Samantha giggles)

- [Samantha] He's painting my fingernails?

That's very nice.

But what's he getting ready to ask for?

A car, a house, or me to take care of his mama.

(bright upbeat music)

- Here like this.

I'm like, what is going on?

Oh, no. I think we're almost done.

Just about 10 more seconds.

Yeah. How do you like 'em?

- Wow, they look beautiful.

I like them. - Definitely.

- Good job.

- Thank you for coming again.

Same time next week?

- Yes.

- It's always a pleasure to see you.

- Likewise.

- I need to clean this up for us a little bit

before you get on the road.

- So, how's the love life?

- [Samantha] (giggles) There is none.

- What about Mariano?

- [Samantha] What about him? He's just a man.

Next.

- Okay, we're on to the letter J for the pages of love.

For the letter J, you want a joyful, jovial man,

one who will give you the jewelry you want

and one who will jump to help you.

- [Samantha] Say that again.

- For the letter K,

you want a knowledgeable, kind man

and a kinky man if that's what you want.

- [Samantha] Mmm.

- And for the letter L, you want a man who is a leader,

a man who listens, a man who is long suffering,

and a man who will love you.

- [Character] Shut up!

(people laughing)

Shut up you in the back!

- [Character] No more presents!

- You look beautiful today.

- Thank you. You look nice, too.

- Thank you.

But why do you change your hair every day?

- Why do you change your clothes every day?

- I just wanted to get to know your likes and dislikes.

- Out of all the questions to ask,

why ask about my hair?

What you gonna do? Buy me some?

- Yeah, I can buy you anything you want.

- You know what? I got go.

- No, no, no, no. Wait, wait.

I'm sorry. - [Samantha] Have a good one.

- Please don't leave. I'm sorry about the question!

- Mom, Mariano was nuts.

He asked me why do I change my hair.

- Okay.

- Okay?

You don't ask a Black woman about her hair.

- Nothing's wrong with it.

Maybe he just wants to know what makes you you.

- Then tear off a check. Cash out.

PayPal or Venmo me then.

- I don't think he meant any harm.

- How do you know?

- Well, he has been our family accountant for years.

- (laughs) The family accountant of what?

This family don't have no Donald Trump money.

- We took care of you and your kids just fine.

- So we in the shade room now?

- Look, why miss out on a good man

for all the baggage you have from the past?

- Every man ain't good.

And you totin' around that Bible like everybody's Jesus.

- Everybody's not Jesus.

However, would you like to be somebody's comfort,

convenience, or commitment?

Which one?

- I want the comfort, but what do you mean?

- Comfort is just sex.

They come around when they want sex

and then they don't come back till they want more sex.

They're not around to help you change your tire.

Also, convenience.

They call you when they can't get ahold

of their other girlfriend.

They're bored. So, oh, nobody's around.

Let me call her.

Now commitment, that is when they are into you

and only you, and what you have going on.

So when you are looking for them,

you're not ghosted 'cause you can find them

because they're committed to you and only you.

- Good material. - Only you.

- You need to preach that in a sermon.

- Hey, I'll think about that.

(phone ringing)

- [Voicemail] Your call has been forwarded to

an automated voice messaging system.

9165-9949

is not available.

At the tone, please record your message.

When you finished recording,

you may hang up or press one for more options.

- Hey, Sam.

Please call me back.

I didn't mean to ask the question.

- Ooh, it's a good workout today.

- Sure is.

Now we're on the letter M for the pages of love.

You want a man that believes in the ministry of Jesus.

You want a man that believes in monogamy.

You want a man that is marriage material.

You want a man that will make you his wife,

and a man that is madly in love with you.

And it won't hurt if he can give a good massage.

- Amen to that.

Now, for the letter N.

You want a noble, non-judgemental man.

A man who can give you the spiritual nourishment you need,

a man who will not neglect you,

and a man who will give you nonstop love.

For the letter O, you want an outgoing, outstanding man,

one who is overqualified in every area

to provide, protect, and support.

- Say that again. Amen.

- Say that, girl.

- Good morning, Jessica.

I made you some coffee.

- [Jessica] Mmm.

I got more respect for myself than to wake up

this early in the morning.

Goodnight.

- You're not Michelle Obama, so get up.

- [Jessica] The only reason why you're up in here

is because you don't have a man in your bed.

And if you had a man in your bed,

you wouldn't be up here in my room talking to me

at the ass crack of dawn.

- Well, I have a date tonight anyway.

Goodbye.

- [Jessica] Mmm, have a good one.

Come on up in here talkin' about,

"Good morning. It's coffee."

Ass crack of dawn.

- Hi, are you Reggie? - Yes, I am.

- All right, nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you, too.

- All right, tell me what you like and what you don't like.

- Well, I don't like to cook,

I don't like to clean, I don't like to pay taxes,

and I don't like to sign birth certificates.

- Do you have children?

- Not that I know of.

I don't sign birth certificates.

- Please explain.

- Well, as a man, if you sign a birth certificate

and cut an umbilical cord, you're technically a father,

so I don't do any of those.

What about you?

- I don't like men who don't pay child support.

I don't like liars and I don't like cheaters.

- Well, you don't like me, so swipe left.

- All right, swipin' left. Bye.

Hello, Mom. What you doing?

Not much. You wanna go for some ice cream?

All right. Come on outside.

I'm parked out front.

All right, bye-bye.

- Hey. - Hey.

- So how was your date?

- Oh, awful.

This guy says he doesn't pay child support

or sign his children's birth certificates.

(Joan laughing)

- Sorry, baby, but that's funny.

Baby, you deserve better.

First you have to be fly, F-L-Y,

and that means first love yourself.

And when you love yourself, you won't be desperate.

- Okay, well, have you ever been asked for a Dana?

- A Dana? What's that?

- A DNA test.

- Well, no, but he still didn't take care of the kids.

The feeling is the same.

And don't have a dream between your legs.

Have it in your mind.

- That's a good one.

Well, do you know that he asked the judge

for a retest on the DNA test?

(Joan laughs)

You can't have a retest on a DNA test.

This ain't no SATs where you get a retest.

- No, it's not. (laughs)

That's funny.

- Hi, are you Percy? - Yeah.

- Hi.

Let's cut to the chit chat.

What are you looking for in a relationship?

- I'm not looking for a relationship.

I'm looking for relations. You feel me?

I hope you could relate to that, 'cause I like open doors.

- [Samantha] So do I. Bye.

(phone ringing)

- [Voicemail] No one is available to take your call.

Please leave a message.

- Hey, Sam, please call me back.

I miss talking to you.

I'm pretty sure you won't find another man like me.

(knuckles rapping)

Hey. - [Samantha] Hi.

- Here.

It's a peace offering. - Thank you.

But let's just forget about it, okay?

- Okay.

Well, come sit down and relax with me then.

- Okay.

- Well, it is a nice day for a fire.

- Yeah, the air is crisp up here.

- I'm a little bit cold.

Why don't you come sit next to me?

- Okay.

- See? I don't bite.

- Okay.

- I love this show, too. (both laughing)

It's so good. (knuckles rapping)

- Who's that? Your girlfriend?

- No, she's sitting right next to me.

- Well, let me get my gun out there.

- No, no, no, no. Wait.

You don't need that.

I'll protect you.

I won't let anything happen to you.

- The unexpected knock at the door says I need this.

- Okay, let me just see who it is.

I'll take care of it.

Leave that in there!

It's okay.

(knuckles rapping)

Hey. - [Joan] Hey, Mariano.

How you doing? - I'm good.

How you doing? - I'm fine.

I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd drop by.

What y'all doing?

- [Samantha] We are not having sex.

- You, I tell you, you are something else.

And Mariano, I really can't by to invite you

Saturday to come over for drinks with us.

Two o'clock. - Oh, okay. I'd love to.

Definitely, sounds good.

- Okay. And you, you be good.

I love you, okay?

- [Samantha] Love you, too.

- Okay, see y'all later. - [Samantha] Bye.

- I'll see you later, Joan. I'll see you Saturday.

- [Joan] Okay, bye.

- You runnin' checkups on me now or somethin'?

- Yes, I am.

- Oh, well how you gonna say it's my girlfriend

when that was your mom?

- Well, it happens. - Oh, Lord.

Let's get the fire started.

Let's just chill for the rest of the day.

- Okay.

- Since the checkups are done.

- Yes. (chuckles)

(knuckles rapping)

Hi. - Hey.

Thanks for having me.

- Thanks for comin'. - No problem.

Your mom's sweet, by the way.

How you doing, though?

- Actually, not so good.

You know what? - What?

- Someone just hit my car and I'm a Uber driver,

so I need my car to drive,

and they won't let you drive with damage to your car.

- Wow. Yeah, I understand.

Can I take a look at it, though?

- Sure. - Come on.

It's the one in the front, right?

- [Samantha] Indeed it is.

- Ooh.

I'm sorry they hit you,

but I can get that fixed for you.

- [Samantha] Yeah, right.

- Yeah, I can.

You wanna come spend the night?

I can go take it to the shop in the morning.

- I won't hold my breath.

- Okay.

You can actually have the whole top floor if you like,

if that makes you feel more comfortable.

- I feel just fine. I got a gun.

- All right, then. My bad.

What happened, though?

- Some lady sideswiped me.

- Mmm. Yeah, I hate those.

You got her information and everything, though?

- I did.

- Oh, yeah. That'll be an easy fix then.

All right.

Well, you ready to go inside?

- [Samantha] I am. - Let's go.

- Yeah, ready for drinks.

- [Crew] Don't look at the camera.

- There you go.

There you go. Drink.

There you go.

- Are we gonna do a cheers?

- Oh, Lord.

- Indubitably. Cheer it up.

- You wanna pour some more in there?

- Yeah, I'll take this one.

- You trying to get more. (Samantha laughing)

Oh. Oh.

- Yeah, I think I'll have.

- Oh!

- Top me off right here.

- Oh! Oh! - Thank you.

- Oh, everybody wants a little bit more.

Now I gotta get some of this stuff.

Oh, God, I done spilled a lot of it.

- Spill everywhere. - My bad.

- Do you have any spit cups?

- No, I don't have any spit cups.

- Oh!

(glasses clinking)

- [Joan] Salute. - Ready?

- It's okay to let me love you.

I get acute loneliness when I'm not with you.

- Sorry, but my heart is guarded.

- So how can I break through?

- You can't.

- So no man can never love you?

- Well, God says He'll never leave you nor forsake you.

Can you beat that?

- No.

But maybe with God's help, I can come close.

And the way I live, my love for you is unstoppable.

- Okay, that sounds like that came from a script.

- I mean, it was from a TV show.

Okay, you got me there.

But it is true.

It's the way I feel about you.

I do have jingling love for you.

- Okay.

- Just, just, okay?

- What do you want me to say to that besides okay?

You took it from a movie.

- Well, I mean it too, though.

It's come generally from my heart,

from that movie to you.

- No, it would've been original.

- Okay.

Well, I'll make something up original

when I'm a little less tipsy, okay?

'Cause I was just drinking with your mom.

You had a good time, right?

- 10-four.

- 10-four. Okay.

Did that happen? 10-four?

- 10-four.

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

- [Mariano] Hello. How are you, Joan?

- I'm blessed. How are you?

- [Mariano] I'm good. Good to hear, too.

Hey, can you please get your daughter to spend the night?

I'm trying to get her car fixed

'cause I don't want her to go home without a car.

- Yes, you know, she carries around a lot of baggage

from her past relationships,

so you know, she is cautious.

- [Mariano] I understand,

and I will wait for her to open up.

- Well, thanks.

You guys make a great couple.

- [Mariano] A great gun totin' couple, huh? (chuckles)

- Well, you know she loves her guns.

- [Mariano] Yeah, that she does, that she does.

- Okay, I'll talk to her.

- [Mariano] Okay. Thank you, Joan.

- You're welcome. Bye-Bye.

- [Mariano] Bye.

- Good morning, baby.

- Good morning. How are you?

- I'm fine. - Okay.

- Got a surprise outside.

- What? More bills?

- No, but it can help you pay some bills.

- Okay, here we go.

More Sesame Street games.

- Let's go see. - Okay.

Let's go see Bert, Ernie, and Elmo.

Wow.

Who fixed my car? - Mariano.

- Well, where is he?

- He dropped it off early this morning.

He had to go to work.

- Okay, well, I'll thank him on my next date with him.

- Looks good, huh?

- Yeah, it looks really good.

- Surprise! - Surprise, surprise.

Nice bow. - Love it.

(indistinct TV chatter)

- I'm glad you came, though.

I was looking forward to seeing you again.

- Likewise.

Thank you for fixing my car.

How much do I owe you?

- Nothin'.

Just all the time I spend with you is enough.

- I think I hear the neighbor's dog barking.

- Okay, but how can I spend more time with you, though?

- I love animals.

- I can tell by all the dog T-shirts you got.

What do you got? Like 20 of them?

- 17.

- The exact number. - Yes.

- Oh, Lord.

So what does make you happy?

- My dogs and my kids. - Oh, wow.

That's a good answer. You're a good mom.

- Thank you.

- I really enjoy spending time with you.

Let's get back to the show.

This is my favorite part.

(both laughing) (indistinct TV chatter)

(knuckles rapping)

Hey. - [Samantha] Hi.

- You lookin' good. - Thank you.

- Thank you.

These are for you.

- Oh, thanks.

Go put those on.

I'll see you when you get done.

The bathroom's the first door on the right.

- [Samantha] Okay. Thank you.

- Please, come lay on the table.

- [Samantha] This is different.

- Well, I'm different from anybody else you ever dated.

- [Samantha] So we're dating?

- I think so.

Come on, get on. I'll help you.

Don't fall now. (Samantha laughing)

It's okay.

I got two scents, actually.

I got lavender

and

vanilla.

Which one would you like?

- Vanilla, please.

- Ooh, good choice.

This is will smell really good.

All right, so just relax.

Let take all the tension away.

- [Samantha] What is this guy up to?

No man does this type of stuff

without wanting something in return.

Jesus, is this real?

(mellow pop music)

- Okay.

I think we're all done here.

I hope I relieved some of the tension that you have.

- Oh, yes, you did.

Thank you. - Definitely.

Thank you for coming.

Would you mind joining me next weekend

at the farmer's market? - Yes.

- Okay, cool.

Is there anything else you wanna do?

We can go get something to eat if you're still hungry.

- I'm always game forgetting something to eat.

- Okay, cool.

There's a new place actually across the way.

Wanna go check it out? - Yes.

- Okay, cool.

Get you all lathered up.

Hope you ain't too relaxed.

Don't fall off the thing now. (Samantha laughs)

(upbeat pop music)

- Beautiful day.

We're gonna continue with the pages of love.

We're on the letter S.

You want a safe man who can give security

and provide a stable, safe environment.

Now for the letter T,

you want a man who is trustworthy,

transparent, tender, and thoughtful,

and who wants you on his team.

I'll give you a bonus with the letter T.

Stay away from a man who will put you

through a tumultuous relationship

with trials and tell you tales.

Now, the letter U.

You want a man who loves you unconditionally.

You want an understanding man.

You want a man who can make a union with you

as in marriage because marriage is a union.

And lastly, you don't want a man who's unemployed.

(upbeat pop music)

- I'm glad to see you again. You look wonderful.

- Thank you.

Temperature in here feels good.

- Yeah.

What's new with you?

- Well, I'm trying to buy this clothing store,

and the price went up $50,000.

- 50,000? - [Samantha] Mmm-hmm.

- What? Where is that?

- In Sacramento at 4633 Auburn Boulevard.

- Hmm. Auburn, huh?

I'm gonna take a look at it.

You hungry or anything?

You want anything to eat? - Yes.

- What you in the mood for? - Chicken and waffles.

- Okay, let's go.

You wanna order it to go or you wanna go out?

- Why don't we order in?

- Okay, okay, let's get ready to go.

- Okay.

- And then we can bring it back,

start the movie, get some popcorn ready for us.

Let's go. - Okay.

(phone ringing)

- [Samantha] Hello?

- Hey, Sam, can you meet me at

4633 Auborn Boulevard tomorrow?

- [Samantha] Sure, yeah. What's up?

- I'm gonna be in the area.

I got a surprise for you, too.

- [Samantha] Mmm, okay. See you there.

- Okay, cool.

See you tomorrow.

- [Samantha] All right. Bye-Bye.

- Bye.

- [Crew] Auborn?

- [Crew] Auborn, yup.

All right, so give her a...

- [Mariano] Hey.

- Hey, Mariano.

- [Mariano] You made it. - Yes. What's this?

- I wanted to surprise you.

- [Samantha] With what?

- I bought you a store.

- Seriously? - Yeah.

- How did you and when did you?

- Well, now you don't have to drive Uber anymore.

So here, actually take a look.

- Okay. - Let's take a look inside.

Oh, you hear that?

- [Samantha] I do. - Oh.

- [Samantha] Wow.

- [Mariano] What do you think?

- [Samantha] This looks so beautiful.

- [Mariano] I'm glad you like it.

- [Samantha] I love it. What a beautiful store.

- [Mariano] I'm glad you like it.

- Oh, yes.

Wow. This is absolutely amazing.

- Thank you. I'm glad you like it.

- I love it.

- They got some cool little stuff in here, right?

- Yeah.

- Now it's all a little bit set up,

so now you can do whatever you want to it.

- Thank you.

Look, they already got some $5 jeans,

brand new, ready to go.

- Right, right. Yeah.

They got everything here.

- Do they have any dog apparel?

- Oh, I don't know. We gotta look around.

Oh, I think some over there.

Hey, I wanted to say something.

A gentleman is someone who brings more into the world

than he takes out of it,

so I got you this.

- Wow. Thank you. - You're welcome.

It says, "Handmade with love."

- And it is.

And this is a hundred things I wanna do for you

because I care about you.

Let's open it up and take a look.

- This says you wanna be my travel buddy.

- Yes. I want to travel the world.

And I hope to do that with you.

This one says, "I'm your type."

"I wanna be your lover."

- Oh.

This one says you want to be my chauffeur.

- Yeah, 'cause I can show you around everywhere.

(Samantha chuckles)

And this one says, "I wanna be your Santa Claus."

- Okay.

- You do gotta make the nice list.

You can't be on the naughty list.

- This one says you want to be my provider.

- Yes, I can provide anything you want.

And this one says, "I want to be

your massage therapist."

- Aww.

- I give the best massages. You gotta wait.

- Aww.

This one here says you want to be my bellhop.

- Yeah, that was a funny one.

I knew you'd like that one.

(Samantha chuckles)

And "I wanna be your biggest fan."

- Aww.

This one here says you want to be my TV buddy.

- (chuckles) Because I love my TV shows.

(Samantha chuckles)

And this one

says, "I want to be-

- You wanna be my breakfast in bed buddy.

(Mariano chuckles)

- I cook a mean breakfast. (Samantha chuckles)

- This one says you want to be my anchor.

- Yes, 'cause I can hold you down.

And this one says, "I wanna protect you."

- Oh, thank you. - From everything.

- So don't pull out a gun on me now.

(Samantha laughs)

- This one says you want to be my forever partner.

- I do want to.

And this one says,

"I want to be the father of your children."

- Aw, thank you.

- What does your shirt say?

Oh, my shirt says, "Looking for Mr. Right, swipe."

- Oh, I like that.

Speaking of looking for Mr. Right,

we're gonna finish the pages of love,

and I wanna tell the ladies on your YouTube channel.

- Well, how are you gonna share it with them

if you haven't shared it with me first?

- Well, I'm getting ready to.

Ladies, for the pages of love,

we are on the letter V.

For the letter V,

you want a man that has values and a vision,

a man that will volunteer to help you.

You do not want a man that will verbally abuse you

or leave a void in your life.

For the letter W, you want a wonderful, working man,

one that can worship with you and one that will worship you.

And lastly, ladies, you do not want a man

that is weak and whining.

For the letter X,

you want a man that will XO XO all over you.

And when you x-ray his heart,

you'll find love for you there.

And lastly, ladies, you do not want a man on Xanax.

- I like that, ladies.

And one thing I want to comment on

is she said, "Working man."

It's always good to have a gainfully employed man.

- Yes it is.

And as I said, wonderful, working man,

and we think any man that workin' is wonderful.

- That's it, ladies.

Thank you, YouTube family.

Bye! - Bye!

- God bless you. Thank you for coming.

- Thank you for inviting me.

- No problem.

You wanna do some Bible study and prayer?

- Absolutely.

You know I got the Bible on my phone.

- I'm ready. - Okay, okay.

You're getting a little bougie on me.

Let me get my Bible up out, huh?

Okay, so since God is the source of every blessing,

why don't we start with Psalm 67:5?

- Okay.

- Cool. Let me get that open.

Okay.

The word says,

"The father unto the fatherless

and the protector of widows is God in his holy dwelling."

Verse six.

"God sets the lonely in families."

Sam, I want to be the father of your children.

I will protect you

and I will give you the family that you desire.

- Amen. That's the word of God.

- But why do you always ignore the things

I try to do for you?

- I'm not ignoring, I'm just processing,

because I see the lines or lies.

- I understand.

But I assure you, this is me.

This is my heart and I wanna give it to you.

- Okay.

We'll see.

- Okay, well, did you enjoy the food?

- I did. Thank you.

- I'm glad you really came out.

I always have a wonderful time with you.

- Likewise.

- You look amazing today, by the way.

- Thank you so much. - No problem.

What you wanna do next week?

- I wanna go for a boat ride, please.

- Oh.

Oh, you gettin' real bougie on me.

- I am.

- I'll take you out on a boat ride. That's fine.

- Thank you. - Can't wait to see you again.

- Likewise.

(indistinct TV chatter)

- Hey, well tonight I thought we should do a movie night.

- Okay. I fall asleep during movies.

- What? Why is that?

- I be so tired from workin'.

- Okay.

But hopefully in the future I can help with that.

- Hmm. So movie night, huh?

- Yeah, hold on.

I gotta get somethin' for you.

- [Host] All right, Roger, you're gonna vote for one couple.

Okay, a round of applause.

(audience cheering)

- So you see, at this movie,

all the snacks, all the popcorn,

all the drinks are free.

- Thank you. - This one is for you.

- This is so cute.

- Mmm, popcorn need a little bit of salt.

(Samantha laughs)

It's okay.

Top of the movie.

- [Samantha] Mmm-hmm.

- [Joan] Hey, how you doin'?

- Hey, what's going on?

- Hey, I just came over to finish our pages of love.

You thought I forgot, didn't you?

- I did.

- Well, I did not forget.

And we are on the letter Y for the pages of love.

The letter Y, you want a man that says yes to your request.

You want a man who yearns for you in your absence.

And you want a man who can yield a harvest for his family.

For the letter Z, you want a man with zeal.

You want a man who will zoom to help you.

You want a man who can keep his zipper up

and who's not zigzagging through life.

- Now, when he zooms to help me,

what kind of car will he be in?

- It doesn't matter, as long as he's zooming, okay?

To come to your rescue.

That's what you want.

Zeal and zooming.

And also, what I wanna tell you last,

you do not, and I repeat,

do not want a man who's on Zoloft.

No.

And now I would like to encourage you,

don't miss out on Mariano,

a good man, because of your past.

Think of all the dates you've had

and all the things he's done for you.

Nobody else has done anything for you

except leave you pregnant and left holding the bag,

an empty bag with no child support.

So think back on how he cares for you and respects you.

(upbeat pop music)

- Sprinkles.

Samantha, baby, I got something sweet for you.

Come in the kitchen.

- I'm comin'!

What you got? - Ta-da!

Look. We gonna make our own ice cream.

- Wow, I like this.

- You ready? - Yes.

- Okay, let's get started.

Already prepared everything for us.

So I got, before the ice fall out.

Got some bags of ice for us.

- Okay.

- So we got some strawberry vanilla extract

and our heavy cream and all that stuff.

We got some gummy bears, some sprinkles, chocolate sauce,

some strawberry sauce.

And ready to get started?

- I'm ready. - Okay.

We're gonna take this cup, pour it in one of these.

- Okay.

- Ah, there we go.

Make sure I don't spill it.

Here we go.

Okay.

And close it up.

Drop it in the ice bag.

- Okay.

- I don't know why you're better at this than me.

I thought I planned it.

(Samantha giggles)

- Is this supposed to be our ice maker?

- Yes, that's the ice maker.

- Okay.

Place it in there.

Close up the bag, get the air out.

Start shakin'.

- Old school way, huh?

- Old school.

I thought it would be fun for us to do.

- Okay.

- Still going faster than me.

Thought I was plannin' this.

(Samantha giggles)

Okay, get it all ready, and start shakin'.

(ice rattling)

(upbeat soul music)

I think that's ice cream now.

- Okay.

- Wanna check them out? - Yeah.

- All right.

How yours lookin'?

Oh, yeah.

Aw, yeah.

- Oh, yeah. This is ice cream.

Ooh, looks good.

- Got a good workout, I guess, yeah.

- Got a good arm workout. - Right.

You get tired from that, too. Oof.

- Oh, look! Ice cream. - Oh, right!

It came out so

good.

Look at that!

- Beautiful.

- Homemade, too.

(spoon tapping)

I got some toppings over there for you, too,

if you wanna take some sprinkles,

gummy bears or chocolate sauce or anything.

- I think I'm gonna take some sprinkles

and some gummy bears.

You remember that cartoon called "Gummy Bears?"

- Yeah, I do.

That one was a good one, though.

You want chocolate sauce or strawberry, did you say?

- I will just take a little splash of chocolate sauce.

- A little splash? That's enough?

- Yes, thank you. - Okay, cool.

Cheers

to the ice cream we made.

(Samantha giggles)

It's pretty good.

- Hmm, I like it. - Mmm-hmm.

Make more homemade ice cream after all.

Maybe not. It was a lot of work.

I don't know.

I don't know how they did it in the old days.

This is actually pretty good, though.

Thank you for spending the time with me.

- Thank you for inviting me.

- Mmm-hmm.

Any time.

- You always have something creative up your sleeve.

- I try. I try.

I'm trying to be different, you know?

Can't be the same as everybody else.

And this is actually hella good.

I'm surprised. It came out really good.

Wanna come back next week?

- [Samantha] Mmm-hmm. - Same thing?

- [Samantha] Mmm-hmm.

- Are you hungry or anything else?

- Nope.

- Or this dessert is fine.

- This is real good right here.

Real good. - Okay.

(mellow hip hop music)

(knuckles rapping)

- Hey.

- [Samantha] Hey.

- You look fabulous as always.

- Thank you.

- Thank you for coming.

Come join me at the dinner table.

Let me pull out your chair.

- No, I got it.

- Let me handle it for you.

- Okay.

- Here we go. - Thank you.

- No problem.

I made us a little bit of fish and some salad today.

- Okay. - I hope you enjoy it.

- Tastes great. - [Mariano] Thank you.

So how was your day?

- Pretty good. - That's good.

I do have an important question to ask you.

I do want to be your rock.

I wanna be your foundation.

I wanna protect you, love you.

I want your kids. I want you.

I want your problems.

Will you answer me this one thing?

- Oh, my.

- [Mariano] Will you marry me?

- Am I being punked?

- No, of course not.

Why would you be punked?

But you're gonna punk me if you say no.

- Yes, yes!

Oh my gosh, yes!

- [Mariano] Let me see your hand.

Oh.

Fits just right.

- Thank you so much.

- [Mariano] Appreciate you.

- Thank you.

- [Mariano] Love you so much.

- I love you, too.

- Let's finish our food.

Before we smell like too much fish.

(soft upbeat music)

(soft gentle music)

- [Samantha] Moral of the story is believe in love,

and the fairy tale love that you want is out there.

Love found me and it will find you, too.

Embrace that true, authentic love.

He who finds a wife finds a good thing

and receives favor.

(soft gentle music)

(upbeat pop music)