Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:04,240 --> 00:00:06,400
Greeting,
straight from the horse's mouth.
2
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:07,800
Three letters.
3
00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:09,280
Hey. Hey.
4
00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:12,880
Been a long time.
5
00:00:12,920 --> 00:00:14,600
What's changed?
6
00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:17,040
Yorkies went up 5p.
7
00:00:17,080 --> 00:00:19,520
We started selling hemp milk.
8
00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:20,600
I got a Prince Albert.
9
00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:22,600
What is hemp milk?
10
00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:24,400
Ah, it's for dickheads,
makes them look cool.
11
00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:25,720
What's a Prince Albert?
12
00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:28,120
It's for dickheads.
Makes them look cool.
13
00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:32,360
I missed you.
14
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:33,680
I missed you, too.
15
00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:41,400
Jesus, John! Get a wriggle on,
we're going to be late!
16
00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:43,680
OK,
17
00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:46,560
we're going to have to discuss
gaming in the morning because...
18
00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:48,480
What?
19
00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:49,520
What is it?
20
00:00:57,280 --> 00:00:58,280
What do they mean?
21
00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:06,400
School.
22
00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:14,480
I'm, er, going to be late home
tonight, discussing promotion,
23
00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:17,160
I've got to crack on
with the Tower Bridge project.
24
00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:19,480
No problem. You all right?
Yep. You all right? Yep. Yep?
25
00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:23,400
I treasure these moments.
26
00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:28,280
You disappeared.
27
00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:29,680
It's been a hard time.
28
00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:31,200
Did they put you up in a dump?
29
00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:32,840
Three-star countryside hotel,
30
00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:35,520
full board
and adjoining golf course.
31
00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:39,120
Was there a plug socket
for your phone next to the bed?
32
00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:41,600
No. Well, that's some
Guantanamo shit right there.
33
00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:43,600
Guantanamo shit!
34
00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:45,560
I'm staying with Peter and Katie
for a bit.
35
00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:48,760
You've been given leave to remain,
though, right? I'm still waiting.
36
00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:52,840
Jesus. I am told it is the queue,
and the British love to queue.
37
00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:54,000
No, no, we don't.
38
00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:55,680
Sorry?
People always say that.
39
00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:57,120
"Oh, the British love to queue."
40
00:01:57,160 --> 00:02:00,600
No, we don't. Have you never been
on a tube escalator?
41
00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:03,120
Queue on the right, walk on the
left? It's the foreigners who queue.
42
00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:05,840
The British fly down, barging
everyone the fuck out the way.
43
00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:08,080
This country hasn't
queued since Thatcher.
44
00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:10,320
Are you on the left or the right
of the escalator?
45
00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:12,360
Mate, I'm as English
as a cheese and onion teapot.
46
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:15,720
You queue on the left, I'm coming
through you like salmonella.
47
00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:18,520
Stop queuing on the right, Sami.
I want to fly down the left!
48
00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:20,280
There it is. Time to get involved.
49
00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:21,400
I want to belong here!
50
00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:23,800
I don't want to wait to be asked,
I want to invite myself in!
51
00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:26,640
I like what I'm hearing.
I want to join the Masons!
52
00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:28,120
OK, do you know what they are?
53
00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:30,240
They're like the British samurai.
54
00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:31,320
Yeah, a bit.
55
00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:32,920
What is this?
56
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:35,000
Marmalade competition.
57
00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:37,480
Marmalade.
That's just oranges, right?
58
00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:40,440
Yeah, marmalade is just oranges.
59
00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:42,320
Wine is just grapes.
60
00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:44,680
Little Mix is just Jesy,
Jade, Perrie and Leigh-Anne.
61
00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:45,960
It's all about the blend,
62
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:48,400
Sami, the care...
63
00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:49,760
..the magic.
64
00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:52,920
You are good at making
marmalade, no?
65
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:54,880
Stick a sash on me
and march me through Ulster,
66
00:02:54,920 --> 00:02:56,640
I am the orange man, baby.
67
00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:58,320
Maybe I could help you.
68
00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:07,640
You don't just MAKE marmalade,
you know,
69
00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:09,760
marmalade makes you.
70
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,760
You up for that?
71
00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:13,080
I am.
72
00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:15,280
What do you bring to the table?
73
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:16,680
Ever had Syrian oranges?
74
00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:19,080
No. Perfect. Beautiful.
75
00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:21,040
So bitter they make
your winkie shrink.
76
00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:24,560
Probably won't put that on the
label, but welcome to the team.
77
00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:25,600
Ha-ha!
78
00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:31,160
Diana.
79
00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:34,080
Yeah, I mean, I've seen
the little sod's Facebook page.
80
00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:36,440
I'm just coming
into the building now,
81
00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:39,000
so shall I see you in the staffroom
in about five minutes?
82
00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:40,960
Don't come in. What?
83
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:43,240
Call in sick. Just don't come in.
84
00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:46,520
What?
85
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:48,600
Aren't you coming?
86
00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:11,360
Forget something?
87
00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:12,960
Er, yeah.
88
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:15,640
Hey, hey, what do you think?
Which one?
89
00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:17,920
Knitted one. Yeah, me too.
90
00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:21,040
Sort of says, "I'm here to negotiate
a promotion,
91
00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:24,920
"but if you want to discuss jazz,
we can also do that." Mm-hm.
92
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:26,560
That's why I like it, anyway.
93
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:27,960
Potential for jazz.
94
00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:32,120
I think I'm about to be suspended.
95
00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:34,520
What?
96
00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:36,960
A 15-year-old boy
has accused me of...
97
00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:40,280
..groping him,
and it's complete bullshit.
98
00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:41,640
Well, of course it's bullshit.
99
00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:42,960
He's crazy!
100
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:45,440
I mean, why in God's name would
you be flirting with a teenage boy?
101
00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:48,120
Exactly! I mean, look at you,
you wouldn't stand a chance!
102
00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:50,240
You currently have a
five-second window to say, "Sorry,
103
00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:52,760
"that didn't come out right." I'm
sorry, that didn't come out right.
104
00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:53,960
I'm sorry.
105
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:56,960
Come here, come on.
106
00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:03,160
You're a brilliant teacher.
107
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:04,440
This is nonsense.
108
00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:05,600
You'll be laughed out of court.
109
00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:08,320
What do you mean, court?
Another terrible choice of words.
110
00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:09,680
OK.
111
00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:10,720
Hey,
112
00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:12,520
you'll be fine.
113
00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:16,120
If I get sacked, this puts
all the financial pressure on you
114
00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:18,560
and fucking Elliot is taking
his money out of the house...
115
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:21,200
I am being promoted today.
116
00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:23,200
It's OK, I can handle it.
117
00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:25,440
A relationship is...
It's like a trapeze act.
118
00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:28,000
I will catch you when you fall.
119
00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:30,120
You're scared of heights.
I'm an agoraphobic.
120
00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:32,320
I'm scared of widths. Aww...
121
00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:34,120
I've got to go. I know.
122
00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:39,600
Thank you.
123
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:41,000
Gorgeous.
124
00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:44,040
Definitely not the blue one?
125
00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:46,040
A bit too cabinet minister,
126
00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:48,720
naked and asphyxiating
in a Stockwell basement.
127
00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:50,280
That's very specific.
128
00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:51,320
Thank you.
129
00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:56,120
Go get 'em.
130
00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:13,640
Morning, Carol. Morning.
131
00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:15,040
Jim, you old rogue.
132
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:23,040
Hard at it, Clive?
133
00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:28,920
Ulf. Peter.
134
00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:34,280
Sit down.
135
00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:36,360
Ahh...
Looking forward to the weekend?
136
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:38,720
Yes, thank you.
Yeah, me too, me too.
137
00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:41,080
I mean, it's all about family,
really, at the end of the day,
138
00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:45,000
isn't it? Makes you realise what
all this is for, doesn't it, Ulf?
139
00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:47,720
God, Ulf's a good name, isn't it?
Does it mean anything?
140
00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:49,640
It's ancient Norse for "wolf".
141
00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:50,840
Is it really?
142
00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:53,360
Gosh, well, here we are,
143
00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:55,160
Peter...
144
00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:56,720
..and the Ulf.
145
00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:59,560
It's funny, we, er, don't actually
name people after animals
146
00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:02,600
in this country, although there's,
er, there's Bear Grylls, of course,
147
00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:04,640
and, er, Ant from Ant and Dec
there's another...
148
00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:06,040
Peter,
149
00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:07,680
we're letting you go.
150
00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:12,920
That was such a good... Argh!
151
00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:38,240
Do you like jazz?
152
00:07:38,280 --> 00:07:40,000
Peter... Jazz, let's just...
153
00:07:41,280 --> 00:07:42,720
..let's just
talk about jazz for a bit.
154
00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:45,480
No, thank you.
155
00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:46,680
You can't do this.
156
00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,880
We're relocating back to Sweden.
157
00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:50,320
It's Brexit.
158
00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:51,920
This is the first wave
of redundancies.
159
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:53,880
There will be more. I'm sorry.
160
00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:56,400
Please.
161
00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:59,880
Don't blame us.
Blame the idiots who voted leave.
162
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:04,320
I voted leave.
163
00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:05,760
Well,
164
00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:07,600
you probably saw this coming, then.
165
00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:08,640
Well, you...
166
00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:12,680
..probably saw this coming, then.
167
00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:16,520
What?
168
00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:22,400
That.
169
00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:25,720
You probably saw that coming.
170
00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:29,280
No. No? Oh...
171
00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:40,320
You didn't see THAT coming, did you?
172
00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:45,520
You didn't see THIS coming,
173
00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:46,600
did you? Mm?
174
00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:47,680
Or this!
175
00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:49,160
Or...
176
00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:50,480
..this, huh?
177
00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:51,520
All these buttons,
178
00:08:51,560 --> 00:08:55,320
you didn't see them coming,
unpopping, did you, hm?
179
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:58,640
You didn't see THIS happening,
did you, hey?
180
00:08:58,680 --> 00:09:01,840
You didn't see THIS happening, huh?!
181
00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:04,840
You didn't see THAT happening,
did you, hm?!
182
00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:06,800
Hm?! Or that!
183
00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:08,280
Argh!
184
00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:09,600
Argh-ha!
185
00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:10,640
Ah!
186
00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:20,000
Argh!
187
00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:36,200
Ah!
188
00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:37,640
Ah!
189
00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:41,720
Parts of Ire...
190
00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:46,400
Peter...
191
00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:53,280
LET'S GET IT d...
192
00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:54,320
..let's...
193
00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:58,000
..let's get it...
194
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:43,760
They're pulling out of the UK,
195
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:45,320
giving me a redundancy package,
196
00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:47,360
three months gardening leave.
197
00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:51,560
My job is ceasing to exist.
198
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:56,480
What's so funny?
199
00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:58,120
Oh, my God, we're so fucked.
200
00:10:58,160 --> 00:10:59,240
I had no idea.
201
00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:02,480
You said you'd catch me if I fell,
that you were a trapeze artist.
202
00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:03,880
I said I was LIKE a trapeze artist.
203
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:06,480
You're not a trapeze artist,
you're a fucking clown.
204
00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:08,680
I mean, you've burnt
the circus down,
205
00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:10,360
you are the shittest showman.
206
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:13,760
I have had a uniquely upsetting day!
207
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:15,240
Hello?
208
00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:16,320
Hi.
209
00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:20,400
Everything OK?
210
00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:23,320
Yes. No, Sami. Everything's fine.
211
00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:24,360
No, it isn't.
212
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:27,640
Tell me. I want to help.
213
00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:31,120
We're just...
214
00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:33,320
..sorting through some stuff.
215
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,160
Ignore us.
You need to get back on your feet.
216
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,200
Back on my...?
I, I AM back on my feet.
217
00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:38,720
Er, box-fresh Sami.
218
00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:41,560
Extended battery life,
guaranteed shockproof skin,
219
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,000
in an attractive shade of brown.
220
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:44,760
Tell me what is wrong.
I lost my job.
221
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:46,520
I'm being accused
of sexual misconduct.
222
00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:47,560
OK.
223
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:51,000
Shit.
224
00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:53,120
Why are you wearing an apron?
225
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:56,920
I'm making the marmalade
in the kitchen with Raj.
226
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:58,880
Hi! Hi!
227
00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:01,240
I've got a great jam pan
you can borrow.
228
00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:03,400
Fucking great jam pan.
We found the jam pan.
229
00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:05,120
You found the jam pan?
230
00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:08,960
Look, if you are worried about
money, I will give you my allowance,
231
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:10,600
or I can leave immediately.
232
00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:12,360
No, no. No.
233
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:15,760
Then if I stay,
we shall fight, together.
234
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:16,920
I owe you everything.
235
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:18,600
Reaching boiling point...
236
00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:24,040
Don't give up, mate.
237
00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:25,600
What?
238
00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:27,000
This is what you said to me,
239
00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:29,840
when I was cooking myself
in the sauna.
240
00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:31,560
Did I? Yes.
241
00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:35,400
I think I was just fishing around
for something to say,
242
00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:37,120
I don't think I meant it.
243
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:38,240
Well, I do.
244
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:40,760
Don't let your heart grow cold.
245
00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:44,240
I will call you by name.
246
00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:46,280
I will share your road.
247
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:48,480
The Bible? Mumford,
248
00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:50,240
and his many, many excellent sons.
249
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:54,680
Now, if you'll excuse me, I must
return to my marmalade commitments.
250
00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:57,640
We are reaching boiling point.
251
00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:16,920
I shouldn't be here.
252
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:18,640
I know.
253
00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:20,040
Shit view, isn't it?
254
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:24,520
So what do you think
will happen next?
255
00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:28,520
You'll be suspended,
pending an investigation.
256
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:32,360
Mr Hobson's Designated
Safeguarding Lead... Music teacher.
257
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:35,280
Get the violin out, Mr H.
258
00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:39,480
He'll interview all witnesses
and parties to the case.
259
00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:45,400
Then, there'll be a hearing -
the head, governors, your union rep.
260
00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:46,760
Erm...
261
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:50,760
Here's sort of information and
numbers I got in the staffroom...
262
00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:53,680
Laminated! Must be serious.
263
00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:55,800
This is still bullshit, you know.
264
00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:59,840
It's revenge because I humiliated
him in front of his peers.
265
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:03,080
So now he's accusing me of...
Sexual misconduct.
266
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:08,360
I mean, what teacher is going to
jeopardise their career
267
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:10,560
flirting with Jason Maddox?
268
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:14,160
Josh Epstein in year 11, though?
Fair enough. Have you seen it?
269
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:15,360
Jesus!
270
00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:18,560
Cheek bones that could open
a can of beans, that one.
271
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:21,960
Joke... That was a joke!
272
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:24,640
Maybe you should put your hand up
next time you make one of those,
273
00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:25,800
just so we all know.
274
00:14:25,840 --> 00:14:29,120
Yeah, well, I'm not going to start
because this whole situation
275
00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:31,280
is a joke!
276
00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:33,600
You stand up for the welfare
of a pupil -
277
00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:36,480
and suddenly you're Jimmy Savile.
No-one's calling you Jimmy Savile.
278
00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:39,280
I know kids. They bloody are!
They're not. "There she goes,
Jimmy Savile..."
279
00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:40,920
Katy, they're not calling you
Jimmy Savile.
280
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:43,240
They're calling me something, Diana.
I'll tell you that much.
281
00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:46,040
They're fucking calling me
something... Rolf Harris.
282
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:49,080
Do kids remember Rolf Harris?
283
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:51,080
To be fair, that was
one of the teachers.
284
00:14:57,160 --> 00:15:00,080
I'm trying to remember one of
his catchphrases, but I just can't.
285
00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:01,920
He did the wobble board.
286
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:26,680
Oh, my God.
287
00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:28,600
You getting the cardamom?
Cardamom city!
288
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:31,280
How about those Syrian oranges?
How about those Syrian oranges?
289
00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:33,320
Shrinking winkie time!
290
00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:40,760
Margaret. Hello, Raj.
291
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,280
Have we caught you in the middle
of a last-minute tasting?
292
00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:45,720
Yes, indeed.
293
00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:47,280
Very exciting.
294
00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:50,160
Margaret, this is Sami Ibrahim,
my co-chef.
295
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:51,840
We're entering together this year.
296
00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:53,880
I heard. Oh, Sami, this is Margaret,
297
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:56,720
chairperson of the
Dorking Marmalade Festival,
298
00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:59,880
and Sarah, who edits the newsletter
on her computer.
299
00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:01,720
Hi, hi, hi. Er, try?
300
00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:04,520
Oh, that wouldn't be appropriate
ahead of tonight's competition.
301
00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:06,640
Oh, right.
302
00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:11,200
Raj, an issue has been raised
that we should discuss.
303
00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:13,040
What's that?
304
00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:17,520
Well, to be honest,
the issue is your friend here.
305
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:18,600
Right.
306
00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:23,240
There is concern that Mr...
307
00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:26,560
Ibrahim. ..Mr Abraham is not
a resident.
308
00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:29,320
Er, no. I live with Peter Guest
and Katy...
309
00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:33,560
Yes, we know exactly where you live.
310
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:36,600
So what is the problem?
311
00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:38,240
Oh, dear.
312
00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:41,600
Mr Abraham, this is awkward.
How can I put this?
313
00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:46,040
Marmalade is a preserve.
314
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:51,840
It is about preservation, keeping
things just as they should be.
315
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:53,880
Yeah, of course.
316
00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:57,720
There is concern that you are
not a passport holder.
317
00:16:57,760 --> 00:17:00,160
It's a technicality,
but there it is.
318
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:09,960
I-I... And as such, I'm afraid
we cannot register you
319
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:12,640
for the competition.
I'm so terribly sorry.
320
00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:16,520
Yes.
321
00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:23,440
Who's concerned?
322
00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:24,720
Sorry?
323
00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:27,080
You said there was a concern.
324
00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:28,760
Who... Who was concerned?
325
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:31,440
There is a general mood.
326
00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:34,880
Something in the wind?
A rustle in the trees.
327
00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:36,560
Exactly.
328
00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:39,240
Thank you for being
so understanding.
329
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:43,920
But I hope we shall be seeing you
here this evening, Raj.
330
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:47,320
We always look forward
to your exotic entry.
331
00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:51,000
Oh, yes. Marvellous!
332
00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:01,520
I'm fucking sorry about that, mate.
That was bang out of order.
333
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:03,840
Why didn't you say something? Hey?
334
00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:04,920
You could have got angry.
335
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:06,400
I AM angry.
336
00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:08,400
You could have got angry out loud.
337
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:10,520
Yeah, but what good would that do?
338
00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:15,520
You try to fly down the left, but
they keep you cuing on the right.
339
00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:18,080
I don't think this place is for me.
340
00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:22,360
Good luck tonight, my friend.
341
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,080
I will be cheering you on.
342
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:49,000
What's happening with you in school?
343
00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:52,200
Oh! Nothing, love.
Stupid misunderstanding. Oh.
344
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:53,600
I got fired yesterday.
345
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:55,400
Were your friends talking about it?
346
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:58,200
Yeah. What? Had a nervous breakdown,
waved my penis around.
347
00:18:58,240 --> 00:19:00,680
Has Dad been in touch again?
No. No, he hasn't - thank God.
348
00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:02,520
Evening!
349
00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:04,080
You excited?
350
00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:05,320
I did not enter.
351
00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:06,440
What do you mean?
352
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:08,080
Not eligible? Why not?
353
00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:09,240
Not for me.
354
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:10,600
Do you want me to have a word?
355
00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:12,720
No. No, no. Here to support Raj.
356
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:16,360
He was late, by the way.
357
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:19,560
For what it's worth, doing nothing
is absolutely the most
358
00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:21,960
English thing you could do
under the circumstances,
359
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:23,960
so the last laugh is yours.
360
00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:26,880
Thank you, Peter.
361
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,240
Can't. It's a massive IBS trigger.
362
00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:50,880
Good evening, everyone,
and welcome...
363
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:52,720
Ooh!
364
00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:58,120
..and welcome to this year's
Dorking Marmalade Championships.
365
00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:06,160
And let us hope that
this year's entries -
366
00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:08,080
like the oranges themselves -
367
00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:10,360
are a-peeling!
368
00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:14,000
Fucking hell.
369
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:25,160
Oh, my.
370
00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:57,640
Always felt a member of
this community.
371
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:03,920
Always felt respected by you.
372
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:08,040
I sold you your newspapers,
your cigarettes...
373
00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:11,760
..your food.
374
00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:16,800
Jesus, I fucked three of you.
Want to know who?
375
00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:22,760
Yeah, that's right.
I've got a complex sexual palate.
376
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:27,760
Orgy around my house looks like
the team from fucking Eggheads.
377
00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:30,840
So I'm feeling
part of this community,
378
00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:32,200
and then...
379
00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:41,200
My friend from Syria is told that
he can't enter because he hasn't
380
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:44,560
been here long enough.
381
00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:49,680
Now, I feel bad for him,
but then I think,
382
00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:53,640
"Why do you feel comfortable
saying that in front of me?"
383
00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:56,880
And then I get it.
384
00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:05,120
I'm the golliwog on the front
of your marmalade! Well, OK.
385
00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:07,440
Best dress accordingly!
386
00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:10,280
You see, I think you're comfortable
with me for all the wrong reasons -
387
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,400
that I'm your coconut.
388
00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:15,200
But I've got news for you.
389
00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:17,440
You're not making me whiter.
390
00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:20,200
I'm making you browner.
391
00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:21,880
I'm not a coconut!
392
00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:23,760
I'm a Coco Pop!
393
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:27,760
I turn the milk brown,
motherfuckers!
394
00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:31,840
Golly out.
395
00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:37,960
Hard to say how it'll affect
my business.
396
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:40,800
At a guess,
I'd say...cataclysmically.
397
00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:44,520
Yesterday, I was made redundant.
398
00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:47,640
Took off all my clothes
and swung a Yucca plant
399
00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:49,840
round my boss's office.
400
00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:51,680
Love! Are you all right?
401
00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:54,480
I think I had a bit of an episode.
402
00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:57,680
Episode? Went a bit mental.
403
00:22:57,720 --> 00:22:59,640
I know the feeling.
404
00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:01,120
What is a yucca plant?
405
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:03,920
Indoor evergreen native to the
Caribbean, John.
406
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:06,160
Oh.
407
00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:09,560
We'll be OK.
408
00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:12,560
Everything will be OK.
409
00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:21,240
Winkie shrinker?
410
00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:47,880
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
27473
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof