Original subtitles

Greeting, straight from the horse's mouth.

Three letters.

Hey. Hey.

Been a long time.

What's changed?

Yorkies went up 5p.

We started selling hemp milk.

I got a Prince Albert.

What is hemp milk?

Ah, it's for dickheads, makes them look cool.

What's a Prince Albert?

It's for dickheads. Makes them look cool.

I missed you.

I missed you, too.

Jesus, John! Get a wriggle on, we're going to be late!

OK,

we're going to have to discuss gaming in the morning because...

What?

What is it?

What do they mean?

School.

I'm, er, going to be late home tonight, discussing promotion,

I've got to crack on with the Tower Bridge project.

No problem. You all right? Yep. You all right? Yep. Yep?

I treasure these moments.

You disappeared.

It's been a hard time.

Did they put you up in a dump?

Three-star countryside hotel,

full board and adjoining golf course.

Was there a plug socket for your phone next to the bed?

No. Well, that's some Guantanamo shit right there.

Guantanamo shit!

I'm staying with Peter and Katie for a bit.

You've been given leave to remain, though, right? I'm still waiting.

Jesus. I am told it is the queue, and the British love to queue.

No, no, we don't.

Sorry? People always say that.

"Oh, the British love to queue."

No, we don't. Have you never been on a tube escalator?

Queue on the right, walk on the left? It's the foreigners who queue.

The British fly down, barging everyone the fuck out the way.

This country hasn't queued since Thatcher.

Are you on the left or the right of the escalator?

Mate, I'm as English as a cheese and onion teapot.

You queue on the left, I'm coming through you like salmonella.

Stop queuing on the right, Sami. I want to fly down the left!

There it is. Time to get involved.

I want to belong here!

I don't want to wait to be asked, I want to invite myself in!

I like what I'm hearing. I want to join the Masons!

OK, do you know what they are?

They're like the British samurai.

Yeah, a bit.

What is this?

Marmalade competition.

Marmalade. That's just oranges, right?

Yeah, marmalade is just oranges.

Wine is just grapes.

Little Mix is just Jesy, Jade, Perrie and Leigh-Anne.

It's all about the blend,

Sami, the care...

..the magic.

You are good at making marmalade, no?

Stick a sash on me and march me through Ulster,

I am the orange man, baby.

Maybe I could help you.

You don't just MAKE marmalade, you know,

marmalade makes you.

You up for that?

I am.

What do you bring to the table?

Ever had Syrian oranges?

No. Perfect. Beautiful.

So bitter they make your winkie shrink.

Probably won't put that on the label, but welcome to the team.

Ha-ha!

Diana.

Yeah, I mean, I've seen the little sod's Facebook page.

I'm just coming into the building now,

so shall I see you in the staffroom in about five minutes?

Don't come in. What?

Call in sick. Just don't come in.

What?

Aren't you coming?

Forget something?

Er, yeah.

Hey, hey, what do you think? Which one?

Knitted one. Yeah, me too.

Sort of says, "I'm here to negotiate a promotion,

"but if you want to discuss jazz, we can also do that." Mm-hm.

That's why I like it, anyway.

Potential for jazz.

I think I'm about to be suspended.

What?

A 15-year-old boy has accused me of...

..groping him, and it's complete bullshit.

Well, of course it's bullshit.

He's crazy!

I mean, why in God's name would you be flirting with a teenage boy?

Exactly! I mean, look at you, you wouldn't stand a chance!

You currently have a five-second window to say, "Sorry,

"that didn't come out right." I'm sorry, that didn't come out right.

I'm sorry.

Come here, come on.

You're a brilliant teacher.

This is nonsense.

You'll be laughed out of court.

What do you mean, court? Another terrible choice of words.

OK.

Hey,

you'll be fine.

If I get sacked, this puts all the financial pressure on you

and fucking Elliot is taking his money out of the house...

I am being promoted today.

It's OK, I can handle it.

A relationship is... It's like a trapeze act.

I will catch you when you fall.

You're scared of heights. I'm an agoraphobic.

I'm scared of widths. Aww...

I've got to go. I know.

Thank you.

Gorgeous.

Definitely not the blue one?

A bit too cabinet minister,

naked and asphyxiating in a Stockwell basement.

That's very specific.

Thank you.

Go get 'em.

Morning, Carol. Morning.

Jim, you old rogue.

Hard at it, Clive?

Ulf. Peter.

Sit down.

Ahh... Looking forward to the weekend?

Yes, thank you. Yeah, me too, me too.

I mean, it's all about family, really, at the end of the day,

isn't it? Makes you realise what all this is for, doesn't it, Ulf?

God, Ulf's a good name, isn't it? Does it mean anything?

It's ancient Norse for "wolf".

Is it really?

Gosh, well, here we are,

Peter...

..and the Ulf.

It's funny, we, er, don't actually name people after animals

in this country, although there's, er, there's Bear Grylls, of course,

and, er, Ant from Ant and Dec there's another...

Peter,

we're letting you go.

That was such a good... Argh!

Do you like jazz?

Peter... Jazz, let's just...

..let's just talk about jazz for a bit.

No, thank you.

You can't do this.

We're relocating back to Sweden.

It's Brexit.

This is the first wave of redundancies.

There will be more. I'm sorry.

Please.

Don't blame us. Blame the idiots who voted leave.

I voted leave.

Well,

you probably saw this coming, then.

Well, you...

..probably saw this coming, then.

What?

That.

You probably saw that coming.

No. No? Oh...

You didn't see THAT coming, did you?

You didn't see THIS coming,

did you? Mm?

Or this!

Or...

..this, huh?

All these buttons,

you didn't see them coming, unpopping, did you, hm?

You didn't see THIS happening, did you, hey?

You didn't see THIS happening, huh?!

You didn't see THAT happening, did you, hm?!

Hm?! Or that!

Argh!

Argh-ha!

Ah!

Argh!

Ah!

Ah!

Parts of Ire...

Peter...

LET'S GET IT d...

..let's...

..let's get it...

They're pulling out of the UK,

giving me a redundancy package,

three months gardening leave.

My job is ceasing to exist.

What's so funny?

Oh, my God, we're so fucked.

I had no idea.

You said you'd catch me if I fell, that you were a trapeze artist.

I said I was LIKE a trapeze artist.

You're not a trapeze artist, you're a fucking clown.

I mean, you've burnt the circus down,

you are the shittest showman.

I have had a uniquely upsetting day!

Hello?

Hi.

Everything OK?

Yes. No, Sami. Everything's fine.

No, it isn't.

Tell me. I want to help.

We're just...

..sorting through some stuff.

Ignore us. You need to get back on your feet.

Back on my...? I, I AM back on my feet.

Er, box-fresh Sami.

Extended battery life, guaranteed shockproof skin,

in an attractive shade of brown.

Tell me what is wrong. I lost my job.

I'm being accused of sexual misconduct.

OK.

Shit.

Why are you wearing an apron?

I'm making the marmalade in the kitchen with Raj.

Hi! Hi!

I've got a great jam pan you can borrow.

Fucking great jam pan. We found the jam pan.

You found the jam pan?

Look, if you are worried about money, I will give you my allowance,

or I can leave immediately.

No, no. No.

Then if I stay, we shall fight, together.

I owe you everything.

Reaching boiling point...

Don't give up, mate.

What?

This is what you said to me,

when I was cooking myself in the sauna.

Did I? Yes.

I think I was just fishing around for something to say,

I don't think I meant it.

Well, I do.

Don't let your heart grow cold.

I will call you by name.

I will share your road.

The Bible? Mumford,

and his many, many excellent sons.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must return to my marmalade commitments.

We are reaching boiling point.

I shouldn't be here.

I know.

Shit view, isn't it?

So what do you think will happen next?

You'll be suspended, pending an investigation.

Mr Hobson's Designated Safeguarding Lead... Music teacher.

Get the violin out, Mr H.

He'll interview all witnesses and parties to the case.

Then, there'll be a hearing - the head, governors, your union rep.

Erm...

Here's sort of information and numbers I got in the staffroom...

Laminated! Must be serious.

This is still bullshit, you know.

It's revenge because I humiliated him in front of his peers.

So now he's accusing me of... Sexual misconduct.

I mean, what teacher is going to jeopardise their career

flirting with Jason Maddox?

Josh Epstein in year 11, though? Fair enough. Have you seen it?

Jesus!

Cheek bones that could open a can of beans, that one.

Joke... That was a joke!

Maybe you should put your hand up next time you make one of those,

just so we all know.

Yeah, well, I'm not going to start because this whole situation

is a joke!

You stand up for the welfare of a pupil -

and suddenly you're Jimmy Savile. No-one's calling you Jimmy Savile.

I know kids. They bloody are! They're not. "There she goes, Jimmy Savile..."

Katy, they're not calling you Jimmy Savile.

They're calling me something, Diana. I'll tell you that much.

They're fucking calling me something... Rolf Harris.

Do kids remember Rolf Harris?

To be fair, that was one of the teachers.

I'm trying to remember one of his catchphrases, but I just can't.

He did the wobble board.

Oh, my God.

You getting the cardamom? Cardamom city!

How about those Syrian oranges? How about those Syrian oranges?

Shrinking winkie time!

Margaret. Hello, Raj.

Have we caught you in the middle of a last-minute tasting?

Yes, indeed.

Very exciting.

Margaret, this is Sami Ibrahim, my co-chef.

We're entering together this year.

I heard. Oh, Sami, this is Margaret,

chairperson of the Dorking Marmalade Festival,

and Sarah, who edits the newsletter on her computer.

Hi, hi, hi. Er, try?

Oh, that wouldn't be appropriate ahead of tonight's competition.

Oh, right.

Raj, an issue has been raised that we should discuss.

What's that?

Well, to be honest, the issue is your friend here.

Right.

There is concern that Mr...

Ibrahim. ..Mr Abraham is not a resident.

Er, no. I live with Peter Guest and Katy...

Yes, we know exactly where you live.

So what is the problem?

Oh, dear.

Mr Abraham, this is awkward. How can I put this?

Marmalade is a preserve.

It is about preservation, keeping things just as they should be.

Yeah, of course.

There is concern that you are not a passport holder.

It's a technicality, but there it is.

I-I... And as such, I'm afraid we cannot register you

for the competition. I'm so terribly sorry.

Yes.

Who's concerned?

Sorry?

You said there was a concern.

Who... Who was concerned?

There is a general mood.

Something in the wind? A rustle in the trees.

Exactly.

Thank you for being so understanding.

But I hope we shall be seeing you here this evening, Raj.

We always look forward to your exotic entry.

Oh, yes. Marvellous!

I'm fucking sorry about that, mate. That was bang out of order.

Why didn't you say something? Hey?

You could have got angry.

I AM angry.

You could have got angry out loud.

Yeah, but what good would that do?

You try to fly down the left, but they keep you cuing on the right.

I don't think this place is for me.

Good luck tonight, my friend.

I will be cheering you on.

What's happening with you in school?

Oh! Nothing, love. Stupid misunderstanding. Oh.

I got fired yesterday.

Were your friends talking about it?

Yeah. What? Had a nervous breakdown, waved my penis around.

Has Dad been in touch again? No. No, he hasn't - thank God.

Evening!

You excited?

I did not enter.

What do you mean?

Not eligible? Why not?

Not for me.

Do you want me to have a word?

No. No, no. Here to support Raj.

He was late, by the way.

For what it's worth, doing nothing is absolutely the most

English thing you could do under the circumstances,

so the last laugh is yours.

Thank you, Peter.

Can't. It's a massive IBS trigger.

Good evening, everyone, and welcome...

Ooh!

..and welcome to this year's Dorking Marmalade Championships.

And let us hope that this year's entries -

like the oranges themselves -

are a-peeling!

Fucking hell.

Oh, my.

Always felt a member of this community.

Always felt respected by you.

I sold you your newspapers, your cigarettes...

..your food.

Jesus, I fucked three of you. Want to know who?

Yeah, that's right. I've got a complex sexual palate.

Orgy around my house looks like the team from fucking Eggheads.

So I'm feeling part of this community,

and then...

My friend from Syria is told that he can't enter because he hasn't

been here long enough.

Now, I feel bad for him, but then I think,

"Why do you feel comfortable saying that in front of me?"

And then I get it.

I'm the golliwog on the front of your marmalade! Well, OK.

Best dress accordingly!

You see, I think you're comfortable with me for all the wrong reasons -

that I'm your coconut.

But I've got news for you.

You're not making me whiter.

I'm making you browner.

I'm not a coconut!

I'm a Coco Pop!

I turn the milk brown, motherfuckers!

Golly out.

Hard to say how it'll affect my business.

At a guess, I'd say...cataclysmically.

Yesterday, I was made redundant.

Took off all my clothes and swung a Yucca plant

round my boss's office.

Love! Are you all right?

I think I had a bit of an episode.

Episode? Went a bit mental.

I know the feeling.

What is a yucca plant?

Indoor evergreen native to the Caribbean, John.

Oh.

We'll be OK.

Everything will be OK.

Winkie shrinker?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media