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Thank you very much!
Thank you!
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Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen!
Welcome to "40 years of comedy: A tribute
to George Carlin"!
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00:00:54,905 --> 00:01:03,151
I want to make it clear this is not a summation
of his career, this is not a Thalberg Award,
we're not retiring his mike!
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00:01:03,271 --> 00:01:09,577
...we're merely checking in on a body of work,
that continues to grow at an astonishing pace...
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00:01:09,697 --> 00:01:19,682
There are two things that comedians of all stripes
have in common, basically! One: the belief that
someone who is not as funny as they are, is doing
better than they are...
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00:01:19,966 --> 00:01:28,312
...and two - what a cynical bunch!
And two, a sincere, loving respect for George
Carlin, and his work...
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00:01:28,432 --> 00:01:36,820
He's a member of our Holy Trinity: Lenny Bruce,
Richard Pryor, George Carlin! The rest of us
are kind of a-gazing!
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00:01:38,052 --> 00:01:41,326
It's true!
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00:01:42,134 --> 00:01:51,754
Personally, I first began listening to George
Carlin in seventh grade, we had gotten a hold
of "Class Clown", and man! It was funny...!
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00:01:51,874 --> 00:02:00,072
...and dirty, and great! And we just knew
instinctively that parents weren't gonna
like this kind of thing...
12
00:02:00,192 --> 00:02:07,509
We just knew! George Carlin was a rite of passage
in the seventies, as much as smoking cigarettes...
13
00:02:07,629 --> 00:02:13,855
...and looking at Playboys, and in my case,
dressing like Ace Frehely!
14
00:02:13,975 --> 00:02:20,120
...and while the thrill has dissipated from those
other activities, my pleasure in listening to
George, grows every time I hear him!
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00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:25,213
And as my respect and admiration for him
as a performer and as a person!
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00:02:25,333 --> 00:02:32,246
So please, sit back and enjoy a rather condensed
version of George Carlin: 40 years in comedy!
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00:02:34,389 --> 00:02:39,744
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen!
Good evening! My name is George Carlin and I am a
professional comedian...
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00:02:39,864 --> 00:02:46,212
...as opposed to the kind you run into at work
all day long!
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00:02:49,344 --> 00:02:57,529
There are thousands of comedians in this country,
but basically, only two types of humour!
There's the old school and the new school!
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00:02:57,649 --> 00:03:06,137
I think we recognize them both! The old school
is largely made up of the fast-paced stand-up
comedians, the one-liner comics who came from
vaudeville and burlesque...
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00:03:06,428 --> 00:03:11,004
And they comprise the insult school of humour!
Jackie Leonard is a good example of this...
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00:03:11,124 --> 00:03:15,467
"Oh, thank you very much ladies and gentlemen!
Just like I said, all for your parking in New York
was a gun!"
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00:03:15,587 --> 00:03:19,881
There's a wonderful town! Thank you very much!
You got some lovely girls here, compared to the
last place I worked!
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00:03:20,001 --> 00:03:27,686
Somebody throw out there, they're are so lovely,
that if you want to pay them a compliment, you
have to say: "How do you do? I see your face
cleared up!"
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00:03:30,338 --> 00:03:34,642
Now, by contrast, in the new school we have
many different styles...
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00:03:34,762 --> 00:03:37,330
But the foremost amongst them
I feel is Morte Saw...
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00:03:37,450 --> 00:03:41,011
The first man to do much with political comedy
since Will Rogers...
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00:03:41,131 --> 00:03:46,475
Morte Saw: "Right" "Good?" "Right" "That's right"
"Well" "Good" "Right"
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00:03:48,489 --> 00:03:55,243
"Basically it's a dichotomy of guilt and society
we're concerned with... Right? Right! Good! Right!"
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00:03:56,273 --> 00:04:00,548
That covers the comedians that we pay to see,
there is, however, a third field...
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00:04:00,668 --> 00:04:05,128
Generally unrecognized among humorists, and
that's White House humor!
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00:04:05,248 --> 00:04:08,779
JFK, the president - resident - president!
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00:04:10,142 --> 00:04:13,664
Thank you very much!
Beloved the Attorney General...
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00:04:13,911 --> 00:04:17,534
to join he is (unintelligible)
to members of Supreme Court...
35
00:04:17,654 --> 00:04:20,911
...and the rest of my family...!
36
00:04:23,029 --> 00:04:26,650
Youngsters all over the country and Canada
have been asking for us to bring back...
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00:04:26,770 --> 00:04:29,679
...George Carlin! So ladies and gentlemen...
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00:04:29,799 --> 00:04:33,113
...here is comedian, comedy star,
George Carlin!
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00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:36,838
Hey, baby! What's happening?
40
00:04:39,765 --> 00:04:44,019
�Qu� pasa? Al Sleet, your hippie-dippie
weather man...!
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00:04:44,139 --> 00:04:47,888
Brought to you by "Parson's Pest Control"
42
00:04:48,008 --> 00:04:52,018
Do you have termites, waterbugs
and roaches?
43
00:04:55,279 --> 00:05:03,236
Well, Parson's Pest Control will get rid of
the termites and waterbugs and let you
keep the roaches!
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00:05:03,356 --> 00:05:07,815
Tonight's forecast... Dark!
45
00:05:15,773 --> 00:05:19,020
Continued dark tonight...
46
00:05:19,140 --> 00:05:22,339
...turning to partly light in the
morning!
47
00:05:22,459 --> 00:05:25,020
And the big fight is coming up!
48
00:05:25,140 --> 00:05:29,846
Ali, and Frazier. Mohammed Ali, I call him
Mohammed Ali, 'cause that's what he wants...
49
00:05:30,209 --> 00:05:33,833
Oh, yeah! He's a big dude and he hits hard,
you know! I'm calling him what he wants...
50
00:05:33,953 --> 00:05:38,456
What the... It's good that he's been allowed to
work again, as you know, he couldn't work
for three years...
51
00:05:38,576 --> 00:05:42,470
'Cause he had a strange job, beating people up...
52
00:05:43,543 --> 00:05:46,905
But that was his right! He could have that job!
53
00:05:47,025 --> 00:05:51,760
Government wanted him to change jobs!
Government wanted him to kill people!
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00:05:58,339 --> 00:06:03,093
He thought it over and he said: "No, that's alright,
I draw the line!"
55
00:06:03,441 --> 00:06:06,643
"I'll beat them up, but I don't wanna
kill them!"
56
00:06:06,763 --> 00:06:11,426
And the Government told him: "Well, if you won't
kill them, we won't let you beat them up!"
57
00:06:18,802 --> 00:06:23,817
And it was all because he didn't want to go to
Vietnam, and now we're getting out of Vietnam!
58
00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:27,730
Through Laos and Cambodia!
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00:06:27,850 --> 00:06:33,049
That's gotta be the long way! You gotta go
through China and Russia to get out that way!
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00:06:33,169 --> 00:06:36,499
What are we gonna tell them?
"We'll only be here a short time!"
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00:06:36,789 --> 00:06:42,442
"Just looking for a trail!"
Well, maybe they'll go for it, I don't know!
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00:06:42,562 --> 00:06:47,601
Of course, we're only there in South East Asia,
for one reason: to free the people so they can
have industry!
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00:06:47,721 --> 00:06:52,080
It's not that what we do everywhere, I think,
we kinda free people and then lay a little
industry on them!
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00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:56,153
So they can have all the benefits of industry
that we have!
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00:07:05,054 --> 00:07:09,765
Oh, beautiful, for smoggy skies and
insecticided grain...
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00:07:09,885 --> 00:07:14,982
For stripped-mined mountains majesty
above the Ashford plain...
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00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:19,852
America! America! Man sheds his
waste on thee...
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00:07:19,972 --> 00:07:25,663
And hides the pines with billboard signs
from sea to oily sea...
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00:07:28,406 --> 00:07:32,203
I used to be this guy!
Or maybe this guy used to be me...!
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00:07:32,323 --> 00:07:37,116
I don't know, we were each other
at one time! Wasn't long ago! He...
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00:07:37,236 --> 00:07:42,898
I liked him! You know? He was really good, he
was funny, and I had a lot of fun with him,
he did some nice things for me, but it was like...
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00:07:43,173 --> 00:07:46,927
...there was nothing behind him, you know?
It was kind of...
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00:07:47,047 --> 00:07:53,362
Just superficial! Just the surface! It was all
characters! I wasn't in there! I found I wasn't
in my own act after a while...!
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00:07:53,482 --> 00:07:58,072
And here, I've been doing it for five years!
It was all characters! It was all other people
that I remembered...
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00:07:58,192 --> 00:08:02,739
...from my life, and composites of people!
People like this lady here, Congolia Brackenridge!
76
00:08:02,859 --> 00:08:05,754
A marvelous contestant on a quiz show!
"Pick a door!"
77
00:08:05,874 --> 00:08:10,072
Oh, let me see! Monty! Monty!
Oh! What are the doors?
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00:08:10,192 --> 00:08:14,725
"One, two and three!"
"Oh, wow! What was that again?"
"One, two and three!"
79
00:08:14,845 --> 00:08:18,594
OK, three! You wha...
No! Hold on! I didn't call yet!
80
00:08:19,348 --> 00:08:23,087
My trouble was I wanted a list!
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00:08:23,347 --> 00:08:26,159
I didn't think it was asking much!
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00:08:26,449 --> 00:08:30,536
Here are these words I'm not supposed to say!
Let's have a look at them!
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00:08:32,739 --> 00:08:38,028
I figured, looking for a list, I started
looking into all the categories of
dirty words...
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00:08:38,148 --> 00:08:42,970
Started to realize that there are more ways to
describe filthy words than there are filthy words!
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00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:47,580
Seemed curious to me!
Someone was awfully interested in them!
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00:08:47,700 --> 00:08:51,174
I found a lot of ways to refer to them, and...
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00:08:51,294 --> 00:08:55,638
I did, too... called them
"Bad language"!
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00:08:55,972 --> 00:09:00,435
"Dirty", "filthy", "foul"...
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00:09:00,697 --> 00:09:07,792
"Vile", "Vulgar", "Coarse"...
90
00:09:07,912 --> 00:09:13,909
"Unseemly", "in poor taste", "street language",
"locker room talk", "gutter talk"...
91
00:09:14,029 --> 00:09:19,938
"Barracks language", "naughty", "saucy", "bawdy"
"raunchy"...
92
00:09:20,058 --> 00:09:27,330
"Rude", "lude", "lascivious", "indecent",
"prophane", "obscene", "blue", "off-colour"...
93
00:09:27,838 --> 00:09:32,722
"Risqu�", "suggestive"...
94
00:09:33,113 --> 00:09:39,983
"Cursing", "cussin'", "swearing..."
All I could think of was "shit, piss, fuck,
cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits", man!
95
00:09:40,103 --> 00:09:46,302
There are things about the words surrounding
football and baseball which give it all away...
96
00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:52,519
Football is technologic! Baseball's pastoral!
97
00:09:54,708 --> 00:10:00,810
Football is played in a stadium!
Baseball is played in a park!
98
00:10:02,448 --> 00:10:07,622
In football, you wear a helmet!
In baseball, you wear a cap!
99
00:10:09,246 --> 00:10:16,753
Football is played on an enclosed, rectangular grid
and every one of them is the same size!
100
00:10:17,282 --> 00:10:20,919
Baseball is played on an ever-widening angle...
101
00:10:21,039 --> 00:10:27,036
...it reaches to infinity, and every park is different!
102
00:10:27,384 --> 00:10:31,253
Football is rigidly timed!
103
00:10:31,373 --> 00:10:35,311
Baseball has no time limit!
We don't know when it's gonna end!
104
00:10:36,007 --> 00:10:39,282
We may even have extra innings!
105
00:10:39,402 --> 00:10:41,964
In football, you get a penalty!
106
00:10:42,084 --> 00:10:45,949
In baseball, you make an error! Whoops!
107
00:10:46,470 --> 00:10:54,949
The object in football is march downfield
and penetrate enemy territory, and get into
the end zone!
108
00:10:55,428 --> 00:11:01,500
In baseball, the object is to go home!
I'm going home!
109
00:11:02,326 --> 00:11:09,964
And in football we have the clip, the hit,
the block, the tackle, the blitz, the bomb,
the offense and the defense...
110
00:11:10,084 --> 00:11:14,398
In baseball they have the sacrifice!
111
00:11:14,847 --> 00:11:20,615
What I have been doing, I have been branching out
a little bit, my career has always been very
one-dimensional, just being a stand-up comic...
112
00:11:20,735 --> 00:11:26,585
Been doing a couple of other things, I worked in
"Summer Stock" last summer! I was in "Death of
a Salesman", I played the suitcase...
113
00:11:26,705 --> 00:11:28,701
Ah, good, good!
114
00:11:28,821 --> 00:11:33,470
Yeah! I did it a little different from Rip Torn,
who played the original suitcase on Broadway!
115
00:11:34,484 --> 00:11:38,919
I understand he did it more as a valisse,
and I kind of, I did as a two-suiter!
116
00:11:39,783 --> 00:11:45,832
And other things like... then I got an opera,
I've written an opera! It's interesting to you,
I'm announcing it tonight! I've written an opera
about tuberculosis...
117
00:11:45,952 --> 00:11:52,059
The only trouble is to... Well, trouble is
to find a thin tenor! You know?
118
00:11:53,203 --> 00:11:57,363
This is serious! I'm writing a sequel
to the Bible!
119
00:11:59,818 --> 00:12:02,630
It's a wonderful book, it's been around
a long time! I think it's time for another...
120
00:12:03,398 --> 00:12:07,818
...I'm having trouble with the title!
I go "Bible Two", I wanna call it "Bible Two"!
121
00:12:07,938 --> 00:12:12,978
"Son of Bible", you get into those things!
"The Bible Goes West", you know?
122
00:12:14,035 --> 00:12:19,311
That's all your house is! It's a place to keep
your stuff while you go out and get more stuff!
123
00:12:20,224 --> 00:12:26,760
Now! Sometimes you gotta move! You gotta get
a bigger house! Why? Too much stuff!
124
00:12:28,022 --> 00:12:33,529
You gotta move all your stuff! And maybe put some
of your stuff in storage!
125
00:12:33,935 --> 00:12:39,312
Imagine that! There's a whole industry based
on keeping an eye on your stuff!
126
00:12:39,965 --> 00:12:43,486
Enough about your stuff! Let's talk
about other people's stuff!
127
00:12:43,791 --> 00:12:48,095
Did you ever notice, when you go to somebody
else's house, you never quite feel one hundred
per cent at home?
128
00:12:48,215 --> 00:12:52,023
You know why? No room for your stuff!
129
00:12:52,143 --> 00:12:58,270
Somebody else's stuff is all over the place!
And what awful stuff it is!
130
00:12:58,603 --> 00:13:01,806
Where do they get this stuff?
131
00:13:01,926 --> 00:13:08,559
Then if you have to stay overnight at someone's
house, you know, unexpectedly, and they give
you a little room to sleep in
that they don't use that often...
132
00:13:08,679 --> 00:13:12,269
Someone died in there eleven years ago!
133
00:13:12,515 --> 00:13:16,080
And they haven't moved any of his stuff!
134
00:13:16,979 --> 00:13:22,747
Or wherever they give to sleep, usually right near
the bed there's a dresser, and there's never any
room in the dresser for your stuff!
135
00:13:23,022 --> 00:13:25,978
Someone else's shit is on the dresser!
136
00:13:26,098 --> 00:13:30,514
Have you noticed that their stuff is shit,
and their shit is stuff?
137
00:13:31,674 --> 00:13:36,718
The F.C.C., the Federal Communications Commision
decided all by itself...
138
00:13:36,838 --> 00:13:44,008
...that radio and television were the only two
parts of American life not protected by the
free speech provisions of the First Ammendment
to the Constitution!
139
00:13:44,128 --> 00:13:48,747
I'd like to repeat that because it sounds
vaguely important!
140
00:13:50,703 --> 00:13:57,631
The F.C.C., an appointed body, not elected,
answerable only to the president, decided
on its own that...
141
00:13:57,751 --> 00:14:03,878
...radio and television were the only two
parts of American life not protected by the
First Ammendment to the Constitution!
Why did they decide that?
142
00:14:03,998 --> 00:14:08,805
Because they got a letter from
a minister in Mississippi!
143
00:14:09,109 --> 00:14:14,341
A reverend Donald Wildman, in Mississippi,
heard something in the radio that he didn't like!
144
00:14:14,461 --> 00:14:20,124
Well, reverend! Did anyone ever tell you there
are two knobs on the radio?
145
00:14:25,950 --> 00:14:31,544
Of course, I'm sure the reverend isn't that
comfortable with anything that has two
knobs on it!
146
00:14:34,443 --> 00:14:38,284
But hey, reverend! There are two knobs
on the radio! One of them turns the radio off...
147
00:14:38,404 --> 00:14:42,269
...and the other one...
Changes the station!
148
00:14:42,389 --> 00:14:46,037
Imagine that, reverend! You can actually
change the station!
149
00:14:46,157 --> 00:14:50,240
It's called "Freedom of Choice", and it's one
of the principles this country was founded upon!
150
00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:55,675
Look it up in the library, reverend, if you have
any of them left when you're finished burning
all the books!
151
00:14:55,979 --> 00:15:00,921
It's been a little while since I've been here,
and a couple of things have happened in
that time! I'd like to talk a little bit...
152
00:15:01,041 --> 00:15:04,226
...about the war in the Persian Gulf!
153
00:15:04,346 --> 00:15:12,936
Big doings in the Persian Gulf! You know my
favourite part of that war? It's the first war
we ever had that was on every channel plus cable!
154
00:15:13,429 --> 00:15:19,066
And the war got good ratings, too, didn't it?
Got good ratings! Well, we like war!
155
00:15:19,186 --> 00:15:22,385
We like war! We're a war-like people!
156
00:15:22,505 --> 00:15:28,008
We like war because we're good at it!
You know why we're good at it? 'Cause
we get a lot of practice!
157
00:15:28,283 --> 00:15:32,602
This country is only two hundred years old
and already we've had ten major wars!
158
00:15:32,722 --> 00:15:37,355
We average a major war every twenty years
in this country! So we're good at it!
159
00:15:37,475 --> 00:15:42,355
And it's a good thing we are! We're not very good
at anything else anymore! Huh?
160
00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:47,964
Can't build a decent car! Can't make a TV set
or a VCR, what the fuck!
161
00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:56,167
Got no steel industry left, can't educate our
young people, can't get health care of our
old people, but we can bomb the shit out
of your country! Alright?
162
00:15:57,553 --> 00:16:01,307
We can bomb the shit out of your country!
Alright?
163
00:16:04,271 --> 00:16:08,503
Especially if your country is full
of brown people!
164
00:16:09,025 --> 00:16:12,257
Oh! We like that! Oh!
That's our hobby!
165
00:16:12,377 --> 00:16:16,547
That's our new job in the world!
Bombing brown people!
166
00:16:16,792 --> 00:16:22,952
Iraq, Panama, Granada, Lybia...
You've got some brown people in your country,
tell them to watch the fuck out!
167
00:16:23,633 --> 00:16:26,473
Or we'll goddam bomb them!
168
00:16:26,593 --> 00:16:32,357
When's the last white people you can remember
that we bombed? Can you remember the last white...
Can you remember any white people...?
169
00:16:32,477 --> 00:16:38,950
...we ever bombed? The Germans! Those were the
only ones! And that's only because they were trying
to cut in on our action!
170
00:16:39,370 --> 00:16:46,283
They wanted to dominate the world! Bullshit!
That's our fucking job! That's our fucking job!
171
00:17:23,836 --> 00:17:28,518
Huh... I call this piece: "Advertising!"
172
00:17:30,111 --> 00:17:35,720
Quality, value, style, service, selection,
convenience, economy, savings, performance...
173
00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:39,937
...experience, hospitality, low rates, friendly
service, name brands, easy terms...
174
00:17:40,057 --> 00:17:44,241
...affordable prices, money-back guarantee,
free installation!
175
00:17:44,361 --> 00:17:50,545
Free admission, free appraisal, free alterations,
free delivery, free estimates, free home trial and
free parking!
176
00:17:50,665 --> 00:17:53,879
No cash? No problem!
177
00:17:53,999 --> 00:17:58,299
No kidding! No fuss, no muss, no risk,
no obligation, no red tape...
178
00:17:58,419 --> 00:18:02,125
...no hidden charges, no down payment, no entry
fee, no purchase necessary...
179
00:18:02,245 --> 00:18:07,646
...no one will call on you, no payment of interest
till December and... no parking!
180
00:18:08,052 --> 00:18:13,052
Limited time only, though! So act now! Order today,
send no money, offer good while supplies last...
181
00:18:13,172 --> 00:18:18,225
...two to a customer, each item sold separately,
batteries not included, mileage may vary...
182
00:18:18,675 --> 00:18:21,486
...all sales are final, allow
six weeks for delivery...
183
00:18:21,606 --> 00:18:26,675
...some items not available, some assembly
required, some restrictions may apply...
184
00:18:26,980 --> 00:18:31,168
Shop by mail, order by phone!
Try it in your home, get one for your car!
185
00:18:31,288 --> 00:18:37,414
All entries become our property, employees
not aliasable, entry fees not refundable,
local restrictions apply...
186
00:18:37,534 --> 00:18:41,574
...void where prohibited, except
in Indiana!
187
00:18:41,694 --> 00:18:44,501
So come on in! Come on in for
a free demonstration!
188
00:18:44,621 --> 00:18:48,705
...and a free consultation with our friendly
professional staff...!
189
00:18:48,825 --> 00:18:54,328
Our courteous and knowledgeable sales
representatives will help you make a selection
that's just right for you...
190
00:18:54,448 --> 00:18:59,892
...and just right for your budget! And say! Don't
forget to pick up your free gift!
191
00:19:00,328 --> 00:19:08,226
A classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury,
prestige, high-quality, premium, select,
gourmet pocket flashlight!
192
00:19:09,414 --> 00:19:15,907
And if you act now, we'll include an extra,
added free complimentary bonus gift...
193
00:19:16,027 --> 00:19:22,602
...a classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury,
prestige, high-quality, premium, select,
gourmet, leather-style wallet!
194
00:19:22,722 --> 00:19:26,008
...with detachable keychain and a
pencil holder!
195
00:19:26,128 --> 00:19:30,065
It's our way of saying "thank you"!
And, if you are not completely satisfied...
196
00:19:30,185 --> 00:19:35,703
...you pay nothing, simply return the unused
portion for a full refund, no questions asked...
197
00:19:35,978 --> 00:19:40,326
It's our way of saying thank you!
Keep your free gift!
198
00:19:40,446 --> 00:19:44,689
Actually, it's our way of saying: "Bend over
just a little further...!"
199
00:19:45,312 --> 00:19:50,660
And let us stick this big dick into
your ass a little bit deeper!
200
00:19:58,791 --> 00:20:01,747
You know? Whenever you're exposed to
advertising in this country...
201
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:06,313
...you realize all over again, that America's
leading industry is still...
202
00:20:06,433 --> 00:20:11,674
...the manufacture, distribution, packaging
and marketing of bullshit!
203
00:20:11,794 --> 00:20:17,818
High quality bullshit! World-class designer
bullshit! To be sure!
204
00:20:18,239 --> 00:20:23,615
Hospital tested, clinically proven bullshit!
But bullshit, nonetheless!
205
00:20:23,735 --> 00:20:27,499
And it always amuses me that so many people
seem to think that...
206
00:20:27,619 --> 00:20:33,050
...bullshit only comes from certain sources!
You know! Advertising, politicians, salesmen...
207
00:20:33,170 --> 00:20:38,659
Not true! Bullshit is everywhere!
Bullshit is rampant!
208
00:20:38,779 --> 00:20:43,412
Parents are full of shit! Teachers are
full of shit! Clergymen are full of shit!
209
00:20:43,532 --> 00:20:49,702
...Law enforcement people are full of shit!
The entire country is completely full of shit!
210
00:20:50,050 --> 00:20:56,325
In fact, this country was founded by a group
of slave owners who told us that all men
are created equal!
211
00:20:56,601 --> 00:21:00,934
That is what's known as being stunningly...!
212
00:21:01,054 --> 00:21:04,702
...stunningly full of shit!
213
00:21:04,822 --> 00:21:07,456
And you know? I think...
214
00:21:11,035 --> 00:21:15,745
And I think people show their ignorance
when they say they want politicians to be honest!
215
00:21:15,865 --> 00:21:21,760
What are these people talking about?
If honesty were suddenly introduced
into politics!
216
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:26,674
...it would throw everything off!
The whole system will collapse!
217
00:21:26,794 --> 00:21:32,587
And I think deep down the American people
know that! The American people like their
bullshit out front!
218
00:21:32,877 --> 00:21:36,327
...where they can get a good, strong
whiff of it!
219
00:21:36,447 --> 00:21:40,471
That's why they re-elected Clinton! Listen!
220
00:21:42,863 --> 00:21:47,442
Clinton may be full of shit!
But he lets you know it!
221
00:21:47,775 --> 00:21:51,544
Dole tried to hide it!
"I'm an honest man!"
222
00:21:51,664 --> 00:21:54,007
Bullshit!
223
00:21:54,127 --> 00:21:56,775
Bullshit! People don't believe
that shit!
224
00:21:56,895 --> 00:22:01,123
Clinton said: "Hi, I'm full of shit,
and how do you like that?"
225
00:22:02,312 --> 00:22:06,167
And the people said: "At least he's honest!"
226
00:22:06,287 --> 00:22:11,195
At least he's honest about
being full of shit!
227
00:22:11,442 --> 00:22:16,688
It's like the business world! All businessmen
are completely full of shit!
228
00:22:16,808 --> 00:22:20,934
Just the worst kind of people you'd
ever wanna run into! Businessmen!
229
00:22:21,054 --> 00:22:24,152
And the proof of it it,
they don't even trust each other!
230
00:22:24,272 --> 00:22:30,094
They don't trust each other! When a businessman
is negotiating a deal, the first thing he does is to
automatically assume...!
231
00:22:30,214 --> 00:22:35,934
...that the other guy is a complete lying prick
who's trying to fuck him on the deal!
232
00:22:36,054 --> 00:22:41,296
So he has to do everything he can to fuck the other
guy a little bit harder, and a little bit faster!
233
00:22:41,416 --> 00:22:46,253
And then, when it comes to dealing with
customers, that's when you get the big smile!
234
00:22:46,586 --> 00:22:52,006
That's when you get the big smile!
Businessman always has a big smile
on his face!
235
00:22:52,126 --> 00:22:57,876
As he carefully positions himself
directly behind the customer...
236
00:22:58,354 --> 00:23:02,673
And unzips his pants...
237
00:23:03,181 --> 00:23:07,297
...and services the account!
238
00:23:10,239 --> 00:23:13,790
"We especialize in customer service!"
239
00:23:13,910 --> 00:23:18,529
You heard that? Now you know what it means!
Whoever coined the phrase...
240
00:23:18,649 --> 00:23:23,993
"Let the buyer beware!" was probably bleeding
from the asshole!
241
00:23:31,296 --> 00:23:33,687
Then you have advertising!
242
00:23:33,807 --> 00:23:39,383
Advertising is the businessman's
cheaply-dressed two-dollar blowjob!
243
00:23:40,333 --> 00:23:45,420
Advertising sells you things you don't need
and can't afford, that are overpriced and
don't work!
244
00:23:45,540 --> 00:23:50,593
And they do it by exploiting your fears
and insecurities! And if you don't have any...
245
00:23:50,713 --> 00:23:56,203
...they'd be glad to give you a few, by showing
you a nice picture of a woman with big tits!
246
00:23:56,580 --> 00:24:01,391
That's the essence of advertising!
Big tits! Threateningly!
247
00:24:01,511 --> 00:24:06,739
Big tits! And speaking of big tits,
what about show business?
248
00:24:06,859 --> 00:24:10,710
Show business, completely dishonest,
corrupt and full of shit...!
249
00:24:10,830 --> 00:24:16,303
...but in a nice way! Not even
expensive drugs and perverted sex...!
250
00:24:16,423 --> 00:24:20,999
...if you're gonna be full of shit,
might as well enjoy your work!
251
00:24:21,895 --> 00:24:26,069
Then you have the media! Not just the news
media, let's include them all!
252
00:24:26,189 --> 00:24:31,141
The media are almost literally exploding
with bullshit!
253
00:24:31,489 --> 00:24:35,547
'Cause they're located right at the crossroads
of all the other bullshit!
254
00:24:35,667 --> 00:24:41,967
The media are made up of equal parts:
Advertising, politics, business...
255
00:24:42,475 --> 00:24:48,735
...public relations and show business.
These people are sitting right
at bullshit junction!
256
00:24:48,982 --> 00:24:54,026
There's enough bullshit in the media
for Texas to open a branch office!
257
00:24:54,374 --> 00:24:59,446
And you still have enough left over to start
two law firms and a Christian bookstore!
258
00:25:00,447 --> 00:25:02,534
Because...
259
00:25:04,911 --> 00:25:09,244
Because folks, I gotta tell you!
When it comes to bullshit...
260
00:25:09,364 --> 00:25:12,447
Truly, major-league bullshit...
261
00:25:12,567 --> 00:25:15,389
You have to stand back in awe...
262
00:25:15,509 --> 00:25:18,722
...in awe of the all-time heavyweight
champion...
263
00:25:18,842 --> 00:25:22,606
...of false promises and exaggerated claims!
Religion!
264
00:25:22,726 --> 00:25:30,172
Organized religion! It's no contest!
Religion easily, easily...!
265
00:25:30,292 --> 00:25:34,882
...has the best bullshit story of all time!
Think about it!
266
00:25:35,172 --> 00:25:40,288
Religion has convinced people
that there's an invisible man...!
267
00:25:40,809 --> 00:25:45,722
...living in the sky, who watches
everything you do...
268
00:25:45,842 --> 00:25:48,751
...every minute of every day!
269
00:25:48,871 --> 00:25:51,592
...and the invisible man has a list...
270
00:25:51,712 --> 00:25:55,926
...of ten specific things he doesn't
want you to do...
271
00:25:56,046 --> 00:26:02,375
...and if you do any of these things
he will send you to a special place!
272
00:26:03,129 --> 00:26:09,636
Of burning, and fire, and smoke, and torture,
and anguish, for you to live forever...
273
00:26:10,026 --> 00:26:15,563
...and suffer and burn and scream,
until the end of time!
274
00:26:16,142 --> 00:26:21,186
But he loves you!
He loves you!
275
00:26:24,214 --> 00:26:28,562
He loves you and he needs money!
276
00:26:31,736 --> 00:26:35,345
He always needs money!
277
00:26:35,649 --> 00:26:39,809
He's all-powerful, all-present,
all-knowing and all-wise...
278
00:26:40,127 --> 00:26:43,692
...just can't handle money!
279
00:26:46,431 --> 00:26:50,504
Religion takes in billions and billions
of dollars...
280
00:26:50,624 --> 00:26:54,866
...they pay no taxes, and somehow
they always need money!
281
00:26:55,243 --> 00:26:58,054
You talk about a good
bullshit story?
282
00:26:58,174 --> 00:27:00,576
If I may be permited a small pun...
283
00:27:00,696 --> 00:27:05,199
Holy shit!
284
00:27:13,981 --> 00:27:17,111
Now I'm gonna lighten up a little bit!
285
00:27:17,231 --> 00:27:19,503
We're gonna go back to advertising...
286
00:27:19,623 --> 00:27:23,459
And we're gonna go out on a little
bullshit hunt! A little bullshit hunt...!
287
00:27:23,579 --> 00:27:27,459
Gonna look at some advertising lingo!
Especially...
288
00:27:27,579 --> 00:27:30,401
Food advertising! You know the people!
289
00:27:30,521 --> 00:27:35,763
Fresh, natural, hearty, old-fashioned,
home-made goodness... in a can!
290
00:27:36,827 --> 00:27:39,580
That kind of stuff!
291
00:27:39,700 --> 00:27:45,218
So let's - let's take a look at some
of these words! "Old-fashioned!"
292
00:27:45,566 --> 00:27:50,508
When you hear "old-fashioned" you're supposed
to think: "Oh, this goes back to the old days!"
293
00:27:50,628 --> 00:27:56,363
Right! The old days! Before we had
sanitation laws!
294
00:27:56,812 --> 00:27:59,826
Before hygiene became popular!
295
00:27:59,946 --> 00:28:04,304
Back when bacillus were still
considered a sauce!
296
00:28:05,564 --> 00:28:10,289
Old-fashioned is supposed to give you a warm
feeling! Make you think about your grandmother!
297
00:28:10,409 --> 00:28:16,579
Oh, I don't know about you! But when I'm picking
out food, I don't wanna be picturing ninety pounds
of wrinkles and a black dress!
298
00:28:16,699 --> 00:28:19,506
With a big, hairy mole sticking out!
299
00:28:19,626 --> 00:28:22,550
And an infected lip!
300
00:28:22,670 --> 00:28:25,724
Old-fashioned!
301
00:28:25,844 --> 00:28:29,245
Then you have home-made! Home-made!
302
00:28:29,365 --> 00:28:34,332
You see this on the packages in the supermarkets!
Folks, believe me!
303
00:28:34,452 --> 00:28:40,113
It is physically impossible for a food-processing
plant to produce anything home-made!
304
00:28:40,233 --> 00:28:44,562
I don't care to see if they're always living
in the basement and cooking on a hot plate!
305
00:28:45,070 --> 00:28:52,099
It's not gonna happen! And you shouldn't be eating
processed foods and packaged foods anyway,
they're not good for you!
306
00:28:52,219 --> 00:28:54,388
You know how I stopped eating
processed foods?
307
00:28:54,508 --> 00:28:59,026
I started picturing the people who
were doing the processing!
308
00:28:59,288 --> 00:29:02,882
Next time you're in the bus and you see
some guy with gangrene on his hands...
309
00:29:03,002 --> 00:29:09,012
...just picture him on the assembly line, putting
little pieces of chicken in a box!
That'll cure you!
310
00:29:09,132 --> 00:29:13,099
Then go home and eat some fucking grapes!
311
00:29:14,418 --> 00:29:20,172
Home-made! You see "home-made" in the restaurants,
too! "Home-made soup!"
312
00:29:20,292 --> 00:29:26,781
I don't care how much the amphetamine-driven
waitress with the Marlboro lines in her face
remind you of your mother...
313
00:29:27,099 --> 00:29:32,389
The soup is not "home-made", unless someone
is living in the kitchen...!
314
00:29:32,509 --> 00:29:36,287
...and if that's the case, I wanna get a good
look at this motherfucker!
315
00:29:36,407 --> 00:29:42,273
I wanna check this guy for lesions, carbuncles,
empatego, pink eye and ringworm!
316
00:29:43,316 --> 00:29:46,505
And head lice!
317
00:29:46,998 --> 00:29:50,244
Then you have home-style!
home-style!
318
00:29:50,364 --> 00:29:55,056
When the advertising imbeciles realize
"home-made" sounds too full of shit...!
319
00:29:55,176 --> 00:29:59,476
...they go to "home-style"!
"Home-style flavour!" Oh!
320
00:29:59,596 --> 00:30:04,447
Whose home are we talking about?
Jeffrey Dahmers?
321
00:30:04,723 --> 00:30:10,491
Believe me! There's nothing "home-style" about
the boiled head of a Cambodian teenager! OK?
322
00:30:10,853 --> 00:30:15,114
Even if you sprinkle parsley on the hair!
323
00:30:18,810 --> 00:30:22,100
And anytime they add the word "style"...
324
00:30:22,220 --> 00:30:26,361
...to another word, someone
is pulling your prick!
325
00:30:26,839 --> 00:30:31,216
"Old-style goodness!" What does that mean?
Nothing!
326
00:30:31,336 --> 00:30:35,723
It means nothing! "New York style deli!"
327
00:30:35,843 --> 00:30:38,317
Means it's not located in New York!
328
00:30:38,437 --> 00:30:41,187
That's all it means, or they wouldn't have
to say it in the first place!
329
00:30:41,307 --> 00:30:44,926
It's located in Calgary, and
the owner's from Hong-Kong!
330
00:30:45,046 --> 00:30:50,636
And the food tastes like things
that Bangladesh has thrown away!
331
00:30:51,274 --> 00:30:56,998
"Chicago style pizza" means the night manager
wants to change planes at O'Hare!
332
00:30:57,940 --> 00:31:03,244
"Family style restaurant!" You know what that means?
Means there's an argument going on at every table...
333
00:31:03,364 --> 00:31:07,738
Two people are crying, and the eldest male
is punching the women!
334
00:31:07,858 --> 00:31:11,737
Family style!
335
00:31:13,754 --> 00:31:20,478
Then you have "gourmet". It's another word the
advertising cretins have completely wiped their
asses with!
336
00:31:20,869 --> 00:31:26,652
"Gourmet!" Gourmet dining in a cup!
337
00:31:26,942 --> 00:31:30,289
"Gourmet cuisine in a can!"
338
00:31:30,409 --> 00:31:35,725
By the way, whenever you hear "cuisine" in place
of "food", be prepared to pay an extra
eighty per cent!
339
00:31:36,376 --> 00:31:42,623
"Gourmet rolls. gourmet coffee, gourmet pizza..."
These things do not exist!
340
00:31:42,743 --> 00:31:47,999
You wanna know a gourmet food?
Toasted snail penises!
341
00:31:49,029 --> 00:31:54,768
Candied moose balls!
Dip dish: Yak dick!
342
00:31:55,637 --> 00:31:58,347
"Gourmet...!"
343
00:31:59,810 --> 00:32:04,448
Here's another full of shit food word!
"Hearty!" "Hearty!"
344
00:32:04,568 --> 00:32:08,753
Soup is hearty! Breakfast is hearty!
345
00:32:08,873 --> 00:32:12,695
You know what I do when I hear the word: "hearty"?
I look at the label! Hum!
346
00:32:12,970 --> 00:32:18,738
Three hundred grams of saturated fat!
"Hearty!" as in "Heart attack!"
347
00:32:20,274 --> 00:32:23,912
It's the same with "buttery" and "lemony"
and "chocolatey"
348
00:32:24,032 --> 00:32:30,028
"Real chocolatey goodness!" Know what that means?
No fucking chocolate!
349
00:32:36,405 --> 00:32:40,043
And beware when they add the word: "flavoured"...
350
00:32:40,163 --> 00:32:43,855
...to another word: "Lemon flavoured drink"...
351
00:32:43,975 --> 00:32:46,913
No fucking lemons!
352
00:32:47,033 --> 00:32:50,898
As a pet food now refers to its service
as "Chicken flavoured treat!"
353
00:32:51,018 --> 00:32:58,826
Look, a dog doesn't know what chicken is!
He might like it if you give it to him, but he's
not gonna say: "Oh, good! I was hoping we
had chicken again!"
354
00:32:59,347 --> 00:33:05,289
And by the way! "Chicken flavoured treat?"
Right! No fucking chick!
355
00:33:07,768 --> 00:33:10,927
And zesty, and tangy...
356
00:33:11,047 --> 00:33:15,681
Zesty and tangy are not real words that normal
human beings use in conversation!
357
00:33:15,801 --> 00:33:21,898
They're advertising words! Did ever someone
turn to you and say: "This is real zesty!"...?
358
00:33:22,145 --> 00:33:25,435
"...and tangy, too!"
359
00:33:27,319 --> 00:33:33,927
Now, one more food word before I completely
change the subject on you... "Natural!"
360
00:33:34,218 --> 00:33:39,319
This is directed to all of you, health-food fiends,
and environmental nitwits...
361
00:33:39,439 --> 00:33:43,001
...and yuppy cocksuckers who are running around...
362
00:33:43,121 --> 00:33:47,696
...in your natural fibers!
363
00:33:48,780 --> 00:33:52,316
The word "natural" is completely
meaningless!
364
00:33:52,436 --> 00:33:56,795
Everything is natural! Nature includes everything!
365
00:33:56,915 --> 00:34:01,041
It's not just trees and flowers! It's everything!
366
00:34:01,161 --> 00:34:05,940
A chemical company's toxic waste is
completely natural!
367
00:34:06,060 --> 00:34:10,940
It's part of the nature! We're all part of nature!
Everything is natural!
368
00:34:11,060 --> 00:34:14,838
Dog shit is natural!
369
00:34:15,098 --> 00:34:19,519
It's just not real good food! Now...!
370
00:34:19,639 --> 00:34:23,663
To change the subject on you, but we gotta stay
on the dog theme!
371
00:34:23,924 --> 00:34:28,518
I wanna bring you up-to-date on my pets at home!
This something I've touched over the years, little
by little...
372
00:34:28,638 --> 00:34:33,459
Talking about my dogs and cats at home!
I'd like to tell you the latest, what's going on...
373
00:34:33,579 --> 00:34:37,025
The one I talked about the earliest
and most often was Tippy...
374
00:34:37,145 --> 00:34:40,228
Little Tippy! Tippy was a mixed Terrier...
375
00:34:40,348 --> 00:34:45,750
And Tippy commited suicide about eight or nine
years ago! Yeah! Oh, I've had a lot of dogs do that!
376
00:34:45,870 --> 00:34:51,417
Haven't you? Oh, shit! I've had six
or seven dogs just run out in front of
a truck for no apparent reason!
377
00:34:51,982 --> 00:34:56,229
And you can never tell there's anything bothering
them beforehand!
378
00:34:56,490 --> 00:34:59,577
No sign of turmoil or trouble!
379
00:34:59,939 --> 00:35:03,896
You know, they don't show up wearing
a Judas Priest T-shirt...
380
00:35:05,098 --> 00:35:09,547
...with a new companion who can't make
eye contact!
381
00:35:11,330 --> 00:35:14,504
I guess one day they just snap
in their little heads!
382
00:35:14,624 --> 00:35:19,866
They snap, and they'll go into traffic in
front of a truck and...bump!
And we look at it and say "Well..."
383
00:35:19,986 --> 00:35:24,953
That's what Tippy wanted to do!
That was Tippy's little decision!
384
00:35:25,073 --> 00:35:32,070
Who are we to interfere in the plans of a dog?
So we just processed our grief, and moved along!
385
00:35:32,190 --> 00:35:36,041
As so many of us had to do in the eighties!
386
00:35:36,161 --> 00:35:40,157
Then we got Annie! Annie was a mixed shepherd!
387
00:35:40,277 --> 00:35:45,925
Everything we had was mixed-something!
Even a lot of people in the family, when
I think of it!
388
00:35:46,186 --> 00:35:52,200
And some of the livelier ones, too!
Annie was supposed to have been
a German shepherd!
389
00:35:52,447 --> 00:35:56,534
According to my drug-taking friend
who gave her to me!
390
00:35:56,795 --> 00:36:01,273
You know, he handed me a little puppy,
and he said "This could be a German
shepherd!"
391
00:36:01,519 --> 00:36:05,186
And I, being full of drugs at the time myself...
392
00:36:05,306 --> 00:36:08,244
...I said: "Well, fuck yeah!"
393
00:36:08,364 --> 00:36:12,505
"You can already see the ears!"
394
00:36:12,823 --> 00:36:20,838
And of course, it never happened! I used to call
her my "Austrian shepherd", 'cause she never
quite made it to the German border!
395
00:36:27,345 --> 00:36:31,983
But Annie isn't with us anymore, either...
Annie had to go away...
396
00:36:32,103 --> 00:36:36,562
That's they way we say it at home!
That's the only euphemism we allow ourselves...
397
00:36:36,682 --> 00:36:41,533
Annie had to go away! It happens!
Huh? Don't it? Yeah...
398
00:36:41,653 --> 00:36:46,765
It's part of the deal! Part of the deal!
What happens when you get a pet?
399
00:36:46,885 --> 00:36:51,852
You have them for a while, they get old...
400
00:36:51,972 --> 00:36:55,664
They go away! Just like your grandma!
401
00:36:55,784 --> 00:37:00,230
Same shit, different species!
What happens to grandma?
402
00:37:00,350 --> 00:37:06,215
You have her for a while, she gets old...
She goes away!
403
00:37:06,335 --> 00:37:12,259
It's inevitable when you buy the pet!
You're supposed to know it in the pet shop!
404
00:37:12,379 --> 00:37:16,027
It's going to end badly!
405
00:37:16,317 --> 00:37:20,592
You're purchasing a small tragedy!
406
00:37:21,345 --> 00:37:23,954
Just look at him! Ain't he cute?
407
00:37:24,074 --> 00:37:27,316
That shit is gonna die!
408
00:37:27,592 --> 00:37:32,012
Unless you're in your eighties and you're buying
a tortoise!
409
00:37:33,881 --> 00:37:39,693
Annie just got old, that's all! Got old!
Hips started to go! First sign of trouble
with Annie, hips!
410
00:37:39,813 --> 00:37:43,331
Just like my grandma! Ain't that odd?
411
00:37:43,451 --> 00:37:48,331
Two members of the same family! Different species!
Same symptoms!
412
00:37:48,451 --> 00:37:53,230
Makes you think...
Maybe not!
413
00:37:53,795 --> 00:37:58,099
Even the names were similar...!
Granny and Annie...!
414
00:37:58,425 --> 00:38:04,304
Annie got that hip displeasure! It's a kind of
spinal degenerative disease where they can't
hold up the hind legs anymore! It's gradual!
415
00:38:04,424 --> 00:38:11,005
They start trooping those legs, they start draggin'
them... Oh, it's a terrible thing to see, it's harder
if you love the dog, scrapping their legs and
everything just dragging behind...
416
00:38:11,125 --> 00:38:16,236
It's no way to live, and it pisses you off,
'cause you're wound up with half a
goddam dog!
417
00:38:16,356 --> 00:38:22,786
Here's a front end that is perfectly seviceable!
Shit, if she had been a Chevrolet, she could
have been rebuilt!
418
00:38:22,906 --> 00:38:28,887
You come in the driveway, see her sticking out
behind a bush! Say: "Look, she's OK! Then the
rest will come out - Oh, shit!
419
00:38:30,902 --> 00:38:35,888
It gets worse, and worse, and worse...
And there's nothing you can do about it!
420
00:38:36,008 --> 00:38:41,700
And finally it got so bad, that Annie couldn't
get out where the trucks were!
421
00:38:42,178 --> 00:38:48,004
So I had to intervene on her behalf...!
I had to get some people to come to the house...!
422
00:38:48,124 --> 00:38:53,569
And essentially, whack my dog!
We put a contract out on Annie!
423
00:38:53,873 --> 00:38:58,830
Oh, we whacked her when she was eating a big plate
of pasta, like they do in the gangster movies...
424
00:38:58,950 --> 00:39:03,526
I knew Annie would like that!
So Annie went away...!
425
00:39:03,646 --> 00:39:07,627
Just like my grandma!
Actually, it was a little bit different...
426
00:39:07,747 --> 00:39:11,917
I believe we whacked my grandma
on the beauty salon...!
427
00:39:12,366 --> 00:39:15,395
But as soon as Annie was gone,
we did what a lot of you folks would have done...
428
00:39:15,515 --> 00:39:19,221
Oh, we got a new dog right away!
Don't you do that? Sometimes to
fill the void you do...
429
00:39:19,341 --> 00:39:23,467
You got... you get a new dog right away!
We got a little guy called Moe, M.O.E. Moe!
430
00:39:23,587 --> 00:39:27,539
Moe is a Maltese, first dog we ever had
that it was all one thing!
431
00:39:27,659 --> 00:39:32,960
Ain't nothing inside of Moe, except other
Maltesers! He's about this big and he's
cuter than a dick! Know what I mean?
432
00:39:33,080 --> 00:39:38,888
Just as cute as can be! And Moe only has one
ball, but he doesn't know that!
433
00:39:40,105 --> 00:39:47,323
And he doesn't act like he's got one ball!
'Cause Moe humps Verne, and Verne is a male cat!
434
00:39:48,671 --> 00:39:53,047
Do you ever have that shit going on
in your yard?
435
00:39:54,396 --> 00:39:58,396
Not only is an interspecies, it's a homosexual
affair as well!
436
00:39:58,516 --> 00:40:02,048
The whole neighbourhood is just praying
there be no children!
437
00:40:02,168 --> 00:40:05,455
'Cause God knows where you'd send them
to school!
438
00:40:05,701 --> 00:40:08,383
But he's out there first thing in the morning!
He's humping away, you know?
439
00:40:08,503 --> 00:40:13,614
He's got a lot of energy for a guy with one ball!
You gotta give him a lot of credit! He's out there
humping away...
440
00:40:13,734 --> 00:40:16,919
He's trying to get a little... You know?
Well, he's trying to get a lot, now that
I think of it...
441
00:40:17,039 --> 00:40:22,528
...and what's he really doing is wearing
a hole in the fur on the back under that
goddam cat!
442
00:40:22,891 --> 00:40:28,934
And sometimes he's got so much energy,
his feet actually leave the ground...!
443
00:40:29,803 --> 00:40:33,789
And he's airborne on Verne!
444
00:40:34,122 --> 00:40:39,079
He's trying to hold on the cat hair
with dog paws and keep it in at the same time!
445
00:40:39,199 --> 00:40:43,195
And Verne could care less!
446
00:40:43,804 --> 00:40:49,021
Verne will give you a look like this
while he's getting fucked in the ass!
447
00:40:52,542 --> 00:40:58,238
Do you ever fuck somebody who's reading
a comic book? Same shit! Tough on the ego,
ain't it!
448
00:40:58,358 --> 00:41:04,557
But it does happen ocassionaly in life!
So Moe humps Verne, and it looks so cute...
449
00:41:04,677 --> 00:41:10,861
I mean it looks so cute! We took a picture of it,
and made a Christmas card out of it last year!
450
00:41:10,981 --> 00:41:17,137
I swear on my mother's tits! Made a lovely card!
Just put one word on it! "Peace!"
451
00:41:25,078 --> 00:41:31,860
And we spelled it correctly, too! P.E.A.C.E.
There be no cheap jokes on our Christmas cards!
452
00:41:31,980 --> 00:41:37,353
We sent that out last year and, shit!
We lost a lot of friends on that!
453
00:41:38,396 --> 00:41:41,556
So Moe humps Verne...
454
00:41:46,774 --> 00:41:52,716
So Moe humps Verne, and Verne is a cat,
like I said! We've got two cats at home!
Verne and Murphy!
455
00:41:52,836 --> 00:41:58,961
And we got them at the same time, some years ago
they got into our lives, the same week
or something.... When we first got them,
we had them neutered!
456
00:41:59,081 --> 00:42:03,613
You know neutered? That's an euphemism
for "go and cut his nuts off!"
457
00:42:03,733 --> 00:42:06,729
Well, we had it done, 'cause somebody
said it helped something!
458
00:42:06,849 --> 00:42:09,627
Goddam sure didn't help these cats,
I'll tell you that!
459
00:42:09,747 --> 00:42:15,656
We had it done, we had them fixed! That's another
word for it! "Fixed, shit! They wasn't even
broke, man!"
460
00:42:16,047 --> 00:42:18,931
"Oh, they're broke now!"
461
00:42:19,051 --> 00:42:23,743
"Altered" is another word for it! Nice people
say that, don't they? "We have them altered!"
462
00:42:23,863 --> 00:42:26,135
Like a pair of pants, or something!
463
00:42:26,255 --> 00:42:30,323
Yeah, take a little of the cuffs,
and cut his nuts off!
464
00:42:30,656 --> 00:42:34,395
And I'll be in on Tuesday!
465
00:42:34,815 --> 00:42:37,801
Well, whatever you wanna call it,
we had it done!
466
00:42:37,921 --> 00:42:42,526
We brought them into the Vet's office and...
Off came the nuts!
467
00:42:42,787 --> 00:42:48,555
We didn't keep them or nothing like that, you know?
Although they offer them to you! I must say that
for them! "Say, you want these...?"
468
00:42:48,675 --> 00:42:51,583
"No, no! Shit! What are you, fucking crazy?"
469
00:42:51,703 --> 00:42:57,380
You keep them, you find something to do with them!
Might make a nice pair of earrings for your wife
out of them!
470
00:42:57,500 --> 00:43:02,104
"In fact, if my math is not incorrect, you might
get two pairs out of that lot!"
471
00:43:02,224 --> 00:43:07,742
"You keep the nuts, we take the cats!
We're going home with the cats!"
Brought them home and they started growing up!
472
00:43:07,862 --> 00:43:15,959
Got to be about six years of age, and right about
six, Verne... Wouldn't you know it, too! Verne!
The interesting cat!
473
00:43:16,079 --> 00:43:22,408
Verne developed a condition whereby his penis
had to be removed surgically!
474
00:43:22,528 --> 00:43:26,409
Not a pleasant thought!
475
00:43:26,529 --> 00:43:30,974
But it happens quite a bit to these male cats
if you feed only dry cat food!
476
00:43:31,094 --> 00:43:35,743
Not good! You gotta get some moist food in that diet
every day or every other day, you gotta have some
balance on the diet...!
477
00:43:35,863 --> 00:43:40,221
'Cause there is something in dry cat food
that crystalizes in the urine...!
478
00:43:40,341 --> 00:43:45,510
...blocks the urethra, blocks the whole passageway,
and pretty soon you're sitting in the Vet's office
and guess wbat?
479
00:43:45,771 --> 00:43:48,496
Off comes the dick!
480
00:43:48,616 --> 00:43:52,974
Verne will not get in the car
with me at all anymore!
481
00:43:58,017 --> 00:44:02,800
He doesn't trust me at all,
'cause he doesn't know what's coming off next!
482
00:44:02,920 --> 00:44:05,945
He's walking around, counting his feet
and shit like that!
483
00:44:06,065 --> 00:44:10,583
Praying to God he still got something left
hanging off of them!
484
00:44:10,915 --> 00:44:16,959
Such is the condition of the animals at our house!
And because of it, we have a little riddle!
485
00:44:17,079 --> 00:44:23,045
Little riddle going around the family!
"What has twelve legs, two dicks and one ball?"
486
00:44:23,165 --> 00:44:26,117
And it's "Murphy, Moe and Verne!"
487
00:44:26,237 --> 00:44:31,814
But you got to be real close to the family
to guess it on one try!
488
00:45:18,381 --> 00:45:25,265
Thank you all! Thank you all very much!
I appreciate it! Have a good time, folks!
489
00:45:33,541 --> 00:45:35,621
Thank you! I'm a little out of breath!
Don't you worry about that!
490
00:45:35,741 --> 00:45:42,187
Please take your time! Drink some water!
I think the image of the cat and the dog
will hold us for thirty or forty seconds here!
491
00:45:42,307 --> 00:45:46,375
I haven't told a lie about my pet yet!
492
00:45:46,495 --> 00:45:52,216
When you were a kid, growing up, you wanted
to be Danny Kaye and Bob Hope, so...
493
00:45:52,505 --> 00:45:56,085
How do you think this thing is working
out so far?
494
00:45:56,205 --> 00:46:00,563
Well, I knew I wanted stand-up,
and, you know, and be silly!
495
00:46:00,683 --> 00:46:04,114
And have people say: "Ain't he cute?
Ain't he cute and clever?"
496
00:46:04,234 --> 00:46:11,085
And that's what it was all, as a reward,
a psychic reward! You know? When you're
a kid and you find out that you can get
the attention of adults...
497
00:46:11,346 --> 00:46:18,172
...and approval, and a little bit of respect,
and you just hunger for, you keep going
back for it...
498
00:46:18,292 --> 00:46:23,911
And I have, fortunately genetic...
You know, my little toolkit, my
genetic toolkit I was given...
499
00:46:24,031 --> 00:46:31,404
...it included a mother and father who were
very funny people, could do accents and
dialects and tell funny stories about what
happened on the bus that morning!
500
00:46:31,524 --> 00:46:36,679
...and have a punchline! So," you don't
lick it off the rocks", they say in Ireland...
501
00:46:36,984 --> 00:46:43,883
So I thank my grandmother's milkman, actually!
You never know where these things come from!
502
00:46:45,230 --> 00:46:49,780
It's interesting, you know, as I watch you now,
and throughout the years I listened to hundreds
of things...
503
00:46:49,900 --> 00:46:55,012
...your fascination with language is so apparent!
Watching you work is almost
like watching a musician!
504
00:46:55,132 --> 00:47:01,997
You know, the way you weave words and use language
for emphasis and all that... Was that always
a fascination for you, even as a kid?
505
00:47:02,117 --> 00:47:07,808
Well, to go back with your other question,
don't forget what we do is oratory, is Rhetoric!
506
00:47:07,928 --> 00:47:15,084
It's not just comedy, it's a form of rhetoric, and
with rhetoric, you look and you listen for rhythms,
you look for ways...
507
00:47:15,204 --> 00:47:18,460
...to sing at the same time your talking,
and to go...
508
00:47:25,344 --> 00:47:29,300
It's just natural! My grandfather, whom
I never knew...
509
00:47:29,420 --> 00:47:35,938
...was a policeman in New York at the turn of the
century, and he was an uneducated man,
self-educated, and he...
510
00:47:36,242 --> 00:47:41,126
...in the course of his adult life he wrote out
the works of Shakespeare...
511
00:47:41,246 --> 00:47:46,605
by hand, because of the joy it gave him!
- That's an obsessive young man!
512
00:47:46,725 --> 00:47:52,692
Yeah! And almost everything is genetic, and my
mother cared a lot about language, and my
father was a...
513
00:47:52,812 --> 00:47:56,620
...champion public speaker of 1935, he won
the mahogany gabble...
514
00:47:56,740 --> 00:48:01,243
...over 800 other public speakers from the
Dale-Carnegie Public Speaking Institute...
515
00:48:01,363 --> 00:48:06,200
...and he was great, I never knew him either!
516
00:48:10,983 --> 00:48:13,389
Were your parents...
517
00:48:13,509 --> 00:48:18,462
...put off by the direction that you went into,
when you started to go counter-culture, wasn't
it difficult...?
518
00:48:18,582 --> 00:48:21,998
...transition for them to watch?
- Well, he was out of the picture...
519
00:48:22,118 --> 00:48:28,216
He was brilliant, and he was a top salesman
and advertising, but he couldn't metabolize
ethanol...
520
00:48:28,606 --> 00:48:33,780
...efficiently, so he was given his hat.
My mother was very brave, she left...
521
00:48:33,900 --> 00:48:37,984
...she left him, I was two months old and
my brother was five...
522
00:48:38,104 --> 00:48:45,187
...five years, and she left down a fire escape,
so he was gone! She, my mother, was very, kind..
523
00:48:45,507 --> 00:48:49,043
...controlling, wanted to control my life, and...
524
00:48:49,163 --> 00:48:55,145
...was heartbroken wben I began with the dirty
language, and the awful stuff he says
about business, she was...
525
00:48:55,265 --> 00:48:58,594
She was an advertising executive secretary!
Loved the business world!
526
00:48:58,714 --> 00:49:05,522
For it was just the finest thing that ever
happened! And so when I went in that direction,
at first, very opposed!
527
00:49:05,642 --> 00:49:12,189
Until one day, we lived in the same street that
I grew up... that I went to school in! I went to
school on the same block that I lived on!
Something like that...!
528
00:49:12,309 --> 00:49:16,203
Corpus Christy School, and the nuns were great!
It wasn't the typical Catholic School...!
529
00:49:16,323 --> 00:49:19,565
It was an experimental progressive school,
that didn't have grades...
530
00:49:19,685 --> 00:49:24,087
Didn't have any sort of corporal punishment,
it was just a very, very wonderful school...
531
00:49:24,207 --> 00:49:29,710
And the nuns... She would see the nuns in the
street, and they said: "Oh, we saw George on
The Tonight Show!"
532
00:49:29,830 --> 00:49:36,971
And she, being a bit of an actress, she would say:
"Oh, the awful language, sister!
The awful language!
533
00:49:37,091 --> 00:49:41,406
And one of them said to her: "No, you don't
understand! He's using it for other purposes!"
534
00:49:41,526 --> 00:49:45,856
"He's not just doing it for that! It's kind of like
part of what he does! Don't you understand
this is..." and so forth!
535
00:49:45,976 --> 00:49:49,233
So she said: "Oh, well! Oh!"
And from that day on...
536
00:49:49,353 --> 00:49:53,943
...she was OK with it, because
the Church had approved it!
537
00:49:58,175 --> 00:50:03,233
People who deal in content that's on
the edges you do, often times live a life...
538
00:50:03,353 --> 00:50:07,813
...that's similarly on an edge, and a lot
of those people...
539
00:50:07,933 --> 00:50:14,813
...go off the rails, and we lose them, and
their talent, and you've been able to...
540
00:50:14,933 --> 00:50:17,943
...not do that, and been able to
pull it back in, and...
541
00:50:18,189 --> 00:50:23,551
Another luck stroke, you know?
Gotta have luck in this world, part of it
is your genetic make-up, that's luck...
542
00:50:23,671 --> 00:50:30,489
...and then, what you do out there is also partly
genetic, because hard work is genetic...
543
00:50:30,609 --> 00:50:37,271
...the desire to do hard work, the willingness to
work hard and be determined and not be turned
aside, that's all genetic, too!
544
00:50:37,391 --> 00:50:44,605
It can be altered, and a little reinforced!
But some of the people who had so much
edgy promise...
545
00:50:44,866 --> 00:50:50,475
...they die young, I mean, Lenny Bruce,
Sam Kennison...
546
00:50:50,595 --> 00:50:56,822
Andy Kaufman, in his way, Freddy Prince,
John Belushi, Bill Hicks...
547
00:50:56,942 --> 00:51:03,097
It's just, I don't know... Of course, Bill had a
natural disorder of his own, and I think so
had Andy, but it's not always behaviour, but...
548
00:51:03,217 --> 00:51:06,213
...so that is just genetic! But...
549
00:51:06,333 --> 00:51:13,228
...it's just that... I there's a degree of luck
and intelect involved in giving up...
550
00:51:13,348 --> 00:51:18,387
...things that hurt you! The drug and alcohol
thing, it seems to me, comes down to this...
551
00:51:18,507 --> 00:51:24,431
Drugs and these things are wonderful! They're
wonderful when you try them first! They're not
around for all these Millenia for no reason...!
552
00:51:24,551 --> 00:51:28,664
First time, mostly pleasure,
very little pain! Maybe a hangover!
553
00:51:28,784 --> 00:51:31,649
...and as you increase and keep using,
whatever it is...
554
00:51:31,769 --> 00:51:38,939
...the pleasure part decreases, and the pain part,
the price you pay increases, until the balance is
completely the other way,
and it's almost all pain...
555
00:51:39,059 --> 00:51:44,678
...and there's hardly any pleasure! At that
point you would hope that the intelect says:
"Oh...!"
556
00:51:44,798 --> 00:51:50,895
"Oh! This doesn't work anymore!
I'm going to die", and "I'll do something!"
557
00:51:51,015 --> 00:51:57,084
But you need people around you who can help you,
and you need something to live for! You have to
have something to look forward to...
558
00:51:57,204 --> 00:52:02,431
...to bring you out of it! There's a lot of people
who don't have a lot to look for, and they're sort
of stuck in...
559
00:52:02,551 --> 00:52:08,851
Was there ever any fear that, by giving up
the drugs, you'd lose a bit of the genius, by
giving up the wild lifestyle, sanity being...
560
00:52:08,971 --> 00:52:12,808
There has been a canard, for a long time, that...
561
00:52:12,928 --> 00:52:18,286
...that most of this creativity comes from being
wacky, and I'm sure there's a lot of truth in that!
562
00:52:18,406 --> 00:52:25,663
As far as just being plain old wacky! Where the
drugs are concerned, and alcohol, they do seem
to open a window for you...
563
00:52:25,783 --> 00:52:30,200
...they do seem to broaden the vistas, at first!
564
00:52:30,320 --> 00:52:35,649
...the thing you have to do is learn when...
You know, it's like all these great writers
who became drinkers!
565
00:52:35,769 --> 00:52:40,127
You have to... Sort of...
I find it like with pot...
566
00:52:40,247 --> 00:52:46,997
I'm not a big drug user anymore!
But I have always a joint somewhere
near me!
567
00:52:47,117 --> 00:52:50,911
You know? Hidden! Might be hidden!
568
00:52:51,031 --> 00:52:56,810
And what I do, and I hardly touch it!
Maybe once a month... That would be
frequent for me!
569
00:52:56,930 --> 00:53:04,028
But when I'm writing something, and I write
perfectly straight, perfectly sober, and I write
a whole lot of stuff, six, seven, eight, nine
pages, and I'm really poured out...
570
00:53:04,738 --> 00:53:09,043
The next day... One hit!
It's all I need now!
571
00:53:09,163 --> 00:53:13,188
One hit and it's punch-up time!
572
00:53:14,609 --> 00:53:20,913
Time to get this thing done! And you do find,
with that sort of judicious use, I find...
573
00:53:21,033 --> 00:53:27,174
...there's some value in it! But most of the things
we use, don't... let... You leave them alone!
574
00:53:27,294 --> 00:53:30,145
They don't! Pot does, thank it is for that!
575
00:53:30,265 --> 00:53:35,043
That's excellent! What...?
Fine, do applaud if you wish...!
576
00:53:35,163 --> 00:53:37,537
It's more than fair!
577
00:53:41,899 --> 00:53:47,653
Why do you still care enough to keep, you're
at a point in your life where you could go back,
you could do...
578
00:53:47,773 --> 00:53:51,914
...month in Vegas, and Florence Henderson
could open up and you could go and...
579
00:53:52,034 --> 00:53:56,103
...hit a couple of balls, and then some pinball!
Why do you still care so much?
580
00:53:56,223 --> 00:54:00,567
Well, I'm not comparing myself
to any of these people, believe me...
581
00:54:00,687 --> 00:54:04,871
...but you wouldn't say to Picasso:
"When are you gonna put those brushes down...?"
582
00:54:04,991 --> 00:54:08,132
"Get rid of the canvas, you'd done it!"
You know, you'd...
583
00:54:08,252 --> 00:54:13,074
I'm an entertainer, first and foremost,
but there's art involved here, and an
artist has an obligation to be...
584
00:54:13,194 --> 00:54:18,363
...on route, to be going somewhere,
there's a journey involved, and you
don't know where it is and that's the fun!
585
00:54:18,483 --> 00:54:22,739
...so you're always going to be seeking,
and looking, and going, and trying your
talent yourself, so...
586
00:54:22,859 --> 00:54:27,247
...without sitting around thinking of that a lot,
it drives you and it keeps you...
587
00:54:27,367 --> 00:54:31,726
...trying to be fresh, trying to be new,
trying to call on yourself, call on yourself
a little more, you know?
588
00:54:31,846 --> 00:54:36,464
...and willing to put up with the gurgling,
promotional schedule and everything else...
- It's the only way!
589
00:54:36,584 --> 00:54:39,667
...because you never had to do morning shows...
590
00:54:39,787 --> 00:54:44,319
And the only way I can do this, it's to
go where the people are! They will
not come to my house!
591
00:54:45,233 --> 00:54:51,146
We've offered bus rides and everything! They will
not come! I have to go to Steven's Point,
Wisconsin, or wherever it is...
592
00:54:51,421 --> 00:54:55,378
...and the audiencies are great, and they
buy their tickets aheads of time, and they
really...
593
00:54:55,498 --> 00:55:00,131
...wait for you to come there, you see...
In the theatres and concert halls is
special, 'cause the audience...
594
00:55:00,251 --> 00:55:05,015
...they do it beforehand, and you're
the whole evening! In Las Vegas,
you're an afterthought, you're an old so...
595
00:55:05,135 --> 00:55:09,334
...while we could go gambling, we could go
hookering, we could get drunk, we could go
to the convention...
596
00:55:09,580 --> 00:55:11,726
No! Let's go see this guy!
597
00:55:11,846 --> 00:55:15,755
And if they like you, they do, but they're not
commited fans, so it's a different tone there...
598
00:55:15,875 --> 00:55:20,319
But it still works, you can still do some things
they... That you could feel good about, you know!
599
00:55:20,566 --> 00:55:27,261
Do you feel that your place in comedy...
you know, because we've been spending a lot of
time with the first one, everybody that I
have been mentioning how I'm gonna do this...
600
00:55:27,381 --> 00:55:31,492
George Carlin should be, and then their
faces light up, and to a person...
601
00:55:31,612 --> 00:55:37,171
"Really, Carlin? Can I meet him?
Is he around?" Do you feel that place is out in...
You know?
602
00:55:37,291 --> 00:55:41,291
That is growing on me, I think...
You know, longevity is a wonderful thing...
They...
603
00:55:41,411 --> 00:55:45,637
...sometimes you get applause just for
not being dead, when you say...
It's true!
604
00:55:45,757 --> 00:55:50,144
...when you say "I'm going to be sixty"
They applaud that! "Wonderful! Not dead! Sixty!"
605
00:55:50,264 --> 00:55:53,390
So... But I'm...
606
00:55:53,510 --> 00:56:00,347
I'm getting a sense of it... You know, when you're
in planes three days a week, I go out every Friday,
I come home every Monday! It's three different
cities, three different nights...
607
00:56:00,467 --> 00:56:05,129
...Airport, hotel lobbies, and people are
wonderful! People... I love individuals,
I hate...
608
00:56:05,249 --> 00:56:09,752
...groups of people! I hate people who have...
A group of people with a common purpose...
609
00:56:09,872 --> 00:56:15,332
'Cause pretty soon they have little hats,
you know? And arm bands...
610
00:56:15,578 --> 00:56:20,824
...and fight zones, and a list of people they're
going to visit at 3 a.m....
611
00:56:20,944 --> 00:56:24,679
So, I dislike and despise groups of people,
but I love individuals...
612
00:56:24,799 --> 00:56:30,027
Every person you look at, you can see
the universe in their eyes, if you're
really looking, and they're great, and...
613
00:56:30,147 --> 00:56:35,502
...so cute, relatively, I have gotten the feeling
that I'm this big family, a family life I never
had, by the way...
614
00:56:35,622 --> 00:56:42,690
...this, sort of extended family, of people
who feel like you're their cousin, you know?
They say: "Georgie, in 1961, I saw you..."
615
00:56:42,810 --> 00:56:47,068
"Hey, remember that?" "Yeah"
"Oh, and you know what you said?"
And I say: "Did I?" "Oh, Yeah!"
616
00:56:47,188 --> 00:56:50,981
So, you know, it's just great,
and so cumulative, you say, well...
617
00:56:51,101 --> 00:56:56,430
I guess I'm the family, I guess it's OK!
- You think there's a boil-down...
618
00:57:01,690 --> 00:57:10,458
After ten HBO hours, after a multitude best-selling
albums, after Grammy nominations, after Emmy
nominations, after Cavaliers' Awards...
619
00:57:10,578 --> 00:57:15,010
...does it all boil down to, what you would
say originally, that is about: "Hey, dig me!"?
620
00:57:15,130 --> 00:57:19,576
Hey, look at me, ain't I cute!
That is all, it's just what you
would call "showing off!"
621
00:57:19,696 --> 00:57:24,054
And you can get them not only
stop and listen, but say...
622
00:57:24,174 --> 00:57:31,272
Isn't he cute, he's really--- you're cute!
If you can get the approv... See, in our
school we didn't have grades, so we
didn't have A's, B's, and C's and D's...
623
00:57:31,392 --> 00:57:35,344
...the only A's I got, and this is a little corny,
I got their attention...
624
00:57:35,464 --> 00:57:41,606
...I got their approval, their admiration,
their approbation, and their applause...
And those are the only A's I wanted, and I got them!
625
00:57:41,726 --> 00:57:44,316
And so you have mine, sir!
626
00:57:47,633 --> 00:57:54,807
I just want to say I can't tell you enough what
a pleasure this has been for me, to spend some
time with you, and to be a part of the show...
627
00:57:54,927 --> 00:57:58,590
and thank you very much for all the wonderful...
-- It's been great to get to know you a little,
and you...
628
00:57:58,710 --> 00:58:02,547
...are going to show us a lot,
and I look forward to it!
-- Thank you very much, I appreciate it!
629
00:58:02,667 --> 00:58:06,199
George Carlin, ladies and gentlemen!
630
00:58:07,305 --> 00:59:07,182
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