Original subtitles

-I came here, I think, to make an arrest.

FEMALE SPEAKER [OFFSCREEN]: I'll kill him!

-You didn't even have the motive.

-I stand to inherit half of his estate.

-There's something about your uncle's death that's very

disturbing.

-What am I, some kind of suspect?

-Or you could have had him killed.

-Does that put me on your list?

-Do you think that your brother is guilty?

-Norman could have shoved Lisa right off the balcony.

-We were supposed to come down two years ago, but my wife

switched sides and voted with my in-laws, and we ended up in

Animal Land.

-You're a bum.

-Would you mind too much coming

with me to the bathroom?

[whirring]

[fast whirring]

[faster whirring]

[buzz]

-Yah!

[buzz]

-Good hit.

[buzz]

-Good touch.

-Ah, finally.

-Showing your years, Mike, showing your years.

-Not so, you've just refused to show yours.

-[laugh]

-Ah!

[buzz]

-Touche.

-Take care of the body, Mike, and the body

takes care of you.

-Oh yes, I know, I know, I know.

-Protein, Mike, protein.

Better than those doubles you had before lunch.

En garde!

-Touche!

[buzz]

-Good hit.

Good hit.

-Clifford, you're old.

-Ah, Mike, too much for me today.

-Hi there, bridegroom, bridegroom.

-Oh, Dexter, how are you.

-How about that old guy.

Is he wild?

Is he wild?

-Hello Dexter.

-Glad you stopped by, Dexter.

-Are you kidding?

I wouldn't miss shaking hands with an old goat like you who

is good enough to snare a beautiful chick like--

what's her name?

Hey, where's the honeymoon going to be?

-Dexter, your uncle is getting married tomorrow.

It's not the same as going out for a night on the town.

-Oh relax, Michael.

Don't argue semantics.

My nephew stopped by to wish me well.

I rather hoped you might bring your brother Norman with you.

-Well, if Norman were to come, which I hope he does, by the

way, it certainly would not be with me.

-Still, you're two grown men, Dexter, for heaven's sakes.

-Mr. Hatheway, you're a very nice man.

And you happen to be an excellent attorney.

But the day you can make a merger between me and my bean

bag brother, that is the day they'll appoint you to the

Supreme Court.

Uncle, good luck to you, you old roue.

-Thank you, Dexter.

-Hey, when you come back from your honeymoon, I want a nice

home cooked blowout.

-Oh, don't let Mrs. Peck hear you say that.

-Hey wow, I've got stuff in the oven.

I'm baking some stuff for her to take over to

her sister's house.

Don't let him wear you out, Mr. Hatheway.

-He already has, Dexter, he already has.

-Take care, uncle.

-Glad you stopped by, boy.

Take care.

Well, Michael, let's get at it.

-I know what I'd like to get at-- a nice cold martini.

-Yes, I know, Michael.

En garde!

-[singing to self]

Ah, look at them, look at them--

beautiful.

Les tartes [french]

a la Dexter Paris, exactly as prepared on my little Thursday

cooking show for all my hypoglycemic housewives.

-You know what your uncle would say if he

could see that display.

He'd give you a big nutritional zero and throw

them in the garbage can, right along with

that TV show of yours.

-No, he wouldn't.

You know why, you gorgeous thing?

Because in about an hour, you're going to sneak down to

your car and take them to your sister's house.

And you and she will pull down the shades, lock the doors,

and devour each and every one of those little things, right?

-Well, Betsy has a sweet tooth.

-Oh, oh, oh, Betsy does, eh?

-Look at this mess.

Will you get out of here, and I'll clean this up so the cook

won't quit?

-Come on, cheer up, will ya?

Don't you realize my uncle's girlfriend is going to pick

him up tonight, whisk him away to some teenage health resort

in marital bliss, and return and take all these dismal

kitchen chores right away from you?

-Well, I think it's disgusting.

That's what I think.

She's young enough to be his granddaughter.

That snip.

And if she thinks that she can take better care of that man

than I've been taking for 33 years--

-Come on, come on, you feisty creature, you.

Don't you know no one can do without you around here?

-Oh, you're soft-soaping me.

-I am not.

-Oh here, now I'll thank you to dribble those crumbs on

somebody else's floor.

-I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you, you old phony grumpy.

Have a nice vacation, eh?

Mmm, great.

-Go.

-I'll call you as soon as we get back, Michael.

-All right.

But I want to go over those oil lease agreements.

-Oh, good.

Well, my very best to your bride, Clifford.

-Thank you, Michael.

-I guess now we'll really find out what kind of

shape you're in.

Goodbye, Mrs. Peck.

-Goodbye, Mr. Hatheway.

-I thought you were going to your sister's, Mrs. Peck.

-Well, I thought I should stay around in

case you needed something.

After all, I'm the only one who knows where everything is.

Although I suppose your young bride to be won't need--

-Now Mrs. Peck, you have been the mistress of this house,

and you always shall be.

Lisa wouldn't have it any other way.

So you lock up and go on.

DR. WERBLE [OFFSCREEN, ON TV]: She claims

it's just a head cold.

I hope to heaven that's all it is.

-What if it's not?

Dr. Werble, supposing it's something I--

supposing it's something serious?

DR. WERBLE [OFFSCREEN, ON TV]: Supposing it is.

You're not just a fullback anymore, playing for glory on

some football field.

You're also a doctor now, Rocky.

And if you're not cold and hard and tough enough to

justify the faith and confidence of your patients,

you can hand me your stethoscope, Rocky, right now.

-Hello again, uncle.

-Oh, Dexter, what a surprise.

-Not as surprised as I was when I realized I'd forgotten

your wedding present.

Here it is, just an ordinary electric mixer.

-Well, my goodness.

-A plain, everyday kitchen utensil.

Blend, mix, whip.

But it's more than that, much more than that, uncle.

-Well, I'm not very fond of appliances, but thank you.

-You're welcome.

Uncle, you're going to get a real charge out of this.

-Well, what?

Oh, please, don't go off.

Well, what in Heaven's name?

-Synephrine is dangerous.

I won't agree.

-Dr. Werble, you've had 30 years as a general

practitioner.

I'm new.

I'm green.

-You're purple.

ROCKY [OFFSCREEN, ON TV]: Tell me, what can I do?

-What can any of us ever do, Roger?

Oh, we can, I suppose, be grateful for little Mary Ann's

coming to us with a head cold.

If she hadn't, we might never have known she was a terminal

case until it was all over.

-Please wait, I'll just be a minute or two.

Um--

[doorbell ringing]

-Mrs. Peck, how nice to see you.

Is Mr. Paris waiting?

-I'll tell him you're here.

-Good.

Oh, nevermind.

I'll just scoot on up.

-Please, I do think you'd better let me fetch him.

He may not be quite dressed.

-Why Mrs. Peck, you're talking like we

were a couple of children.

[snap], [laughing].

Clifford?

Clifford?

I got a taxi waiting.

Clifford?

Are you decent?

[knocking]

-Well, ready or not?

Oh.

He's not upstairs at all.

I even checked his bathroom.

[humming]

-He could be in the new gym, I suppose.

-I'l bet it's that electric bicycle I got for him.

Oh, isn't he absolutely adorable?

[laugh], I'll bet he's down there right

now just rowing away.

Oh, there you are, you silly.

Now why aren't you--

Clifford?

Clifford?

What--

Clifford?

Clifford?

-Hey, Lieutenant.

How are you?

-Well, I'm--

[yawn]

-Believe me, I know just how you feel.

-Dubrowski, I don't even know how I feel.

-Give me your handkerchief, Lieutenant?

You, you got a handkerchief?

Open the door, Dubrowski, will you?

You got one?

[inaudible].

-Who is she?

-The victim's, uh, fiancee.

Supposed to be their wedding night.

-Oh, isn't that awful.

-Yeah.

-What did he die of?

-Coronary.

-What are we doing here?

-Well, she called us hysterical, said something

about everybody's after the old fellow's money and that he

was too healthy to die like that, so--

-Hmm.

What'd you say, old fella?

-Yeah.

-Boy, old fella has a lovely fiance.

-Yes.

Old fella had a nice, young fiance.

Old fella dropped dead of a heart attack.

-You have my handkerchief?

-No, she got it.

-Hmm.

-Well, anyway, come on.

We gotta go through the motions, eh?

-What did she do, she kept it?

-I don't know.

-His chest was about here.

-Mm-hmm.

-Left leg rotating.

-Mm-hmm.

-Both arms hanging down.

-Mm-hmm.

-That's about it.

-Mm-hmm.

-Then, when Mr. Hatheway came up from the gym with him, he

went upstairs.

I, I thought he was going to change to get ready for--

-Do you have any idea at all what-- what time

that that would be?

-You, you must belong in some pigsty.

Do you do that in your own home?

Do you?

-I'm sorry, ma'am.

Forgive me, I'm awfully sorry.

I didn't realize that I was--

-Lieutenant, this is Mrs. Peck, she's Mr. Paris's

housekeeper--

-Dropping ashes from a stinking cigar on the--

-Let me clean that up for you.

-Stop that!

You're rubbing it in.

-Oh, forgive me, ma'am.

I didn't realize.

You know, sometimes it's a habit.

Let me see if I can clean that up.

-This house, you and your stinking cigar--

-What I'll do is, I'll take this tray, and I'll--

[crashing]

-Ahh!

You broke Mr. Paris's pitcher.

[cries]

Get him out of here!

Get him out!

COP [OFFSCREEN]: Mrs. Peck, just come over here for a

minute, will you please?

MRS. PECK [OFFSCREEN]: Get him out!

-And I just took off.

I waved goodbye to Mrs. Peck and drove away.

I mean, he was as healthy as a horse when I saw him.

He was in the gym.

He was fencing.

It's inconceivable.

I can't believe it.

Hello.

-Well, thank you very much, Mr. Paris.

-Thank you.

-Mrs. Peck.

-May I come in?

I'm Lieutenant Columbo.

Who might you be?

-How do you do?

Dexter Paris, Mr. Paris's nephew.

I hope it's OK I'm here.

Mrs. Peck phoned me, and I came over.

-Oh listen, I'm glad you came.

I mean, well things like this, they can be

awfully rough on everybody.

-Officer, I'm afraid I have to apologize for my conduct.

I was very overbearing.

-Ma'am please, accept my apologies.

What happened was this.

I came here with a cigar.

And I didn't realize it.

And--

anyway, I, uh, I dropped some ashes on the

floor down in the gym.

And, uh, it was very clean down there, very clean.

In fact, the whole house is spotless.

Upstairs and down--

-You said upstairs.

-Uh, I--

well now, ma'am, I am a police officer.

And I deemed it reasonable--

-That's one of Mr. Paris's towels that you have.

-Yes, yes it is.

I'm going to be flat out with you, ma'am.

I was upstairs looking around.

And I wanted to throw some water on my face, you know,

just sort of clear my head, you know, and--

I used Mr. Paris's bathroom for a minute.

I was very careful.

-That's very brave of you to admit, Lieutenant.

What were you planning to do, dry your face on the way down

the stairs, was that your plan?

-No, no, I used that very nice hand towel up there.

I hope you don't mind.

But this towel was in the hamper, and damp.

See, feel.

-Oh, I believe you.

-Uh, Mrs. Peck.

-I would like to tell you something.

This house is always immaculate.

At 4:00 PM today, every towel in Mr. Paris's bathroom was

clean and dry and in its place.

I checked personally.

I do not allow damp towels to remain in the hamper.

-And that I believe, ma'am, I certainly do believe that.

But this towel was in the hamper, I swear, and damp.

Very damp.

And I was just wondering--

-Wait a minute.

What difference does it make if it was in the hamper.

I don't understand what you're--

-Excuse me.

Uh, Lieutenant, can I speak to you for a minute?

-Now, what did want, Marty?

-Well now, what do I tell the coroner?

-I think you'd better tell them an autopsy.

-An autopsy?

-Shh, please.

I don't want to upset her any more than she is.

Please.

She's a very emotional person.

-What do you mean, autopsy?

Now, did my uncle die on an exercising machine of a heart

attack, or didn't he?

I mean, what's this autopsy business?

-Well, that's what Lieutenant Columbo has to

decide right now.

-Like hell, he does.

I am the next of kin.

My brother and I. I am not signing any authorization for

an autopsy, and nor will my brother.

I, I--

-It's still up to the lieutenant here, you

understand?

-Why is it up to him?

-Homicide.

-Look, now I'm sure there's nothing there, nothing at all.

I think autopsy, Murray.

It is really just routine, Mr. Paris.

-You got it.

Goodnight, Mr. Paris.

-Look, uh, Murray, before you go, I don't want to have to

trouble Mrs. Peck anymore.

What did she say about the burglar alarm system?

-Oh, yeah.

-I noticed the switch on the way down from the--

-Yeah, I asked her about that.

Burglar alarm was set for about 7:30 PM, somewhere

around there.

That's the same routine they followed

since it was installed.

That was about 14 years ago.

-OK.

Before you go, have somebody check the burglar alarm system

and check out all the windows.

Let them keep an eye out for footprints.

-OK.

-Thank you, Murray.

-Lieutenant, just what is this about?

Why the sudden investigation?

-Look, Mr. Paris, it would be a big help if you and I could

go to the gym.

Uh, that way you could, you know, show me around without

Mrs. Peck getting upset again, you know what I mean?

[STRAINING] Boy, your uncle must have

been in terrific shape.

50 pounds.

-Lieutenant, would you mind telling me why you think an

autopsy is necessary?

-Well, there are a couple of things that bother me.

I wonder why he came down here for a workout right when he

was supposed to leave to get married.

Does that seem odd?

-No.

The man had an insatiable appetite--

for life, for exercise, what can I tell you?

-But he just got done fencing with his attorney.

I mean, a whole bunch of fencing.

Then right away down here without stop for another

session with all this-- boy, oh boy, that is robust.

-Indeed.

But the man was a health nut.

I mean, this very place was a store room three months ago.

He had it converted for himself and his bride to be.

-Yeah, I saw her.

She's extremely healthy, too.

-Oh, yes.

-That machine new?

-Reasonably so.

Why?

-Just curious.

Can we go up to your uncle's bathroom?

-Lieutenant, would you mind telling me

what's bothering you?

-Mr. Paris, frankly, sir, there's something about your

uncle's death that's very disturbing.

-You mean, something-- something

about the heart attack?

-That's what bothering me, sir.

I'm not completely sure it was a heart attack at all.

That's what the autopsy is for.

-Well, if not a heart attack, what?

-Well, I don't know.

-Why not a heart attack?

-Could we go up to your uncle's bathroom?

I'll show you.

-Yeah.

-You see what I'm getting at, Mr. Paris?

A damp towel in the hamper, and a damp piece of soap in

the soap dish.

-Brilliant.

Brilliant.

I mean, you've deduced my uncle took a bath.

Every civilized person I know takes a bath

after strenuous exercise.

Now don't you?

-Always.

-Well, the doors and windows are OK, Lieutenant.

I mean, there's no sign of any kind of jimmy work.

But there was a footprint outside Mrs. Peck's window.

-I didn't see or hear anything.

I was watching TV.

-Mrs. Peck, are you absolutely sure that you turned on the

burglar alarm system tonight?

I mean, are you sure that no one came in the house until

you let Miss Chambers in?

Right, you are sure.

That's very good.

Thank you very much.

-Now, Lieutenant, that footprint, whoever it was was

not wearing shoes.

And it looks like he has flat feet.

OK?

-Lieutenant, I know you're trying to drum up a homicide

case feverishly, but certainly you can't believe that Mrs.

Peck could do anything like that?

-No, no, no, no, I was never considering Mrs. Peck.

-But she was the only one in the house.

-Hmm, that's the way it looks.

Unless there's something in that footprint.

-I thought flat feet were peculiar to your business,

Lieutenant.

-You know that's not true?

In fact, I have never met a cop with flat feet.

You take my feet.

I have terrific arches.

My doctor tells me I have an exceptional arch.

He says 30 years in the business, he's never seen an

arch like my arch.

-I believe you.

-No really, take off your shoe, compare your

arch with my arch.

You'll see what I mean.

Really, take off your shoe.

Compare your arch to this arch.

You see now, that's not a cop's arch.

-Lieutenant?

-Let's compare arches.

-May I make it easy for you?

-Yes, sir.

-I'm sure you've surmised that my brother and I stand to

inherit my uncle's estate, which is about $3 million.

Right?

-Yes, sir, I gathered that.

-I also have flat feet.

-No kidding.

-[laugh]

You really are.

You really are.

He's really trying to make this seem like

there's foul play.

It's in--

incredible.

-Well, you have to admit, there's something peculiar.

Why would somebody do a lot of fencing, come in here and take

a bath, and then, right away, run down to the gym and do

another exercise session?

I don't understand that.

Do you understand that?

-Norman,

-Lieutenant this is my loving brother Norman.

-Mrs. Peck informs me you're considering an autopsy.

-Norman, Lieutenant Columbo is a full-fledged sleuth.

Homicide.

he suspects foul play.

-From you?

At the risk of being officious, Lieutenant, I think

an autopsy might be a very, very good idea indeed.

-You know, Lieutenant, we are very identical twins, Norman

and I. He, too, has flat feet.

[laugh]

-$530, $540, $550, $554,000.

-$554,000 cash.

Would you please sign this, Mr. Paris?

-Certainly.

You all right, Lieutenant?

-Oh yes, sir, I'm fine.

It's just that I've never been around so much money in my

whole life.

-You get used to it.

-You do?

-So, it wasn't ordinary heart failure after all, hmm?

-Uh, no, sir.

No it wasn't, no.

They call it, uh, ventricular fibro--

-Fibrillation.

-I know that word, and I can never pronounce it.

Anyway, severe heart seizure.

That's what it is.

You know, a strong blow, some kind of shock.

Things like that.

-George, you have some paperwork to do?

-Oh, yes, sir.

Excuse me.

-Some kind of shock, you say.

Psychological or physical?

-Uh, well, it could be either one in a man his age.

-Yes, but what about tension or garden-variety

overexertion?

I mean, in a man his age--

-Uh, well, yes, yes.

-I gotta tell you, Mr. Parks, I'd be a nervous wreck if I

had to work around all this money.

I mean, the responsibility.

-What you mean is, you're measuring my traits and

responses against those of my brother.

Not so?

-Well, why would I do that?

-Why not?

Because you're sniffing around for a suspect

to a possible homicide.

Again, not so?

-You are a very logical man.

Boy, are you logical.

-Yes, but let me tell you what I am not.

I'm neither flighty, nor a dilettante, neither

unreliable, nor a low-life sponger who chases women and

dreams of inheriting other people's wealth.

Now that, I trust, will end any comparison between my

brother and myself and any conjecture as to who the

logical suspect might be.

Good day.

-Uh, Mr. Paris, there's one other thing I wanted to talk

to you about.

It's rather personal.

-Yes, I know.

Because my uncle died before his marriage, I stand to

inherit half of his estate.

But as to that being any sort of motive, let me point out

that I am wealthy, in my own right, with neither wife nor

darling kiddies to encumber me.

And if, in fact, I were possessed of a criminal mind,

I would find it much, much simpler to embezzle than to

kill my uncle for it--

which is more than I can say for my brother.

Now if you'll excuse me, uh, I have exactly 47 minutes to

catch a plane to San Francisco.

Good day.

-Boy, that's wonderful.

How do you hold it so long?

Don't your ears ring, or anything like that, all that

blood rushing to your head?

-That's what it's for.

Feeds the brain.

I consider it essential to feed the brain twice a day.

I hope you don't mind waiting.

-No, not at all.

No, I enjoy watching.

-Well, why don't you come out here, and I can hear you a

little better.

-Oh, fine.

Mind if I ask you a few questions now?

-No.

-Ma'am, I know that you gave us a full report on what

happened the night of Mr. Paris's death, but I did have

a couple of short little questions, very short.

I suppose you did know Mr. Paris's two nephews.

-Oh, Dexter I knew.

The other one, I think, is a banker.

They're not exactly on speaking terms.

I was looking forward to meeting--

well, after the honeymoon.

-Ma'am, I'm very sorry to have to bring any of this up.

I know it must be a very painful time for you.

-No, no, actually, it's a challenging time.

It's a time when you want to draw from that-- that

interspatial life force.

And well, I think Clifford understood it better than I.

He also understood our bodies.

Oh, he loved our bodies.

I guess people snickered at us a little.

You know, spring in the lap of December.

But you know something, Mr. Columbo, there's no age

barrier in feeling comfortable with somebody.

-Oh, I'm sure there isn't, ma'am.

I'm sure there isn't.

You exercise often, do you?

-Yeah, well, morning and, uh, evening.

-Wonderful.

That's wonderful.

Uh, I wanted to ask you, if you don't mind--

thank you--

did Mr. Paris get along pretty well with his nephews?

Do you know about that?

Did he prefer one to the other, something like that?

-Oh, I don't know.

Well, he, uh--

he wanted them to--

-What did he want them to do?

-I guess he just wanted them to love and understand each

other, that's all.

Well, I don't know what kind of answers I'm supposed to

give to this, this investigation.

What am I, some kind of suspect?

-Oh no.

Oh no, ma'am, not at all.

Don't worry even thinking about that.

-You make me very uncomfortable.

-Well, I didn't meant to do that, ma'am.

I'm sorry.

You know, even if Mr. Paris's death should turn out for

certain to be from something other than natural causes, you

didn't even have a motive.

For instance, if you two were married, then you'd stand to

inherit all his money, for instance.

You see, that would be a motive.

-If I demanded that you leave this house right now, would

you have to?

-Well, I'm not sure, ma'am.

Is there something or some thing that you're afraid that

I might ask you about?

-It's just that I request on my rights that you please

leave this house.

-Certainly, ma'am.

Apparently, I said something inadvertently, Miss Chambers.

I'm sorry I did that because I think you're a very nice lady.

[applause]

-Now, my friends, upward and onward to the simple but

incredibly delectable Hollandaise--

an inexpensive magic which transforms your lonely,

mundane vegetables into a gourmet delight.

It's really so simple, folks, that even your husband can

prepare it.

Now I would like, as I have in the past, to ask somebody from

the audience to volunteer and come up here.

Hands up.

Ladies, put your hands down.

[laugh], I would like a gentleman to raise his hand.

Is there a gentleman in the audience who would like to

volunteer and come up here to help me demonstrate?

How about you, sir?

[laugh], how about you?

I see a gentleman in the audience that--

let's follow me around here.

Keep the camera on me.

Here we are.

This gentleman over here.

How about you, sir?

Come.

-Oh, no.

[applause]

-I think he's shy.

We won't take no for an answer.

Here we go.

Here we go, yes sir.

Come on, let's hear it folks, come on!

[applause]

-Ladies and gentlemen, I have a confession to make.

This happens to be a friend of mine.

Not a very close friend, but one who does in fact qualify,

uh, as someone's husband.

This happens to be Lieutenant Columbo of the LAPD, who is

your everyday, average, typical

downtrodden American husband.

Don't you agree?

[applause]

-Now, Lieutenant, I would like you to help me.

Now, this is a Dexter Paris Number 91 multi-speed blender.

These are other ingredients you find in most kitchens, I'm

sure even in yours.

We have four eggs.

Relax, Lieutenant.

Really, It's going to be all right.

Four eggs.

We have some salt, some pepper, some butter, and some

lemon juice.

Now let me take this off, make you more

comfortable, all right?

Now let's take your coat off, too, your jacket.

That's enough.

[laugh]

All right, now I have something here to make you

much more comfortable and a little neater, perhaps.

Lieutenant, do you want me to help you tie that?

-Yes, please.

-Good, let me take it around this way.

I think it's--

all right, Lieutenant.

He's a man with his own mind.

I'll tell you what we're going to do.

Now I'd like you to separate the yolks from the whites of

the eggs and put them in the blender.

All right?

Now while you're doing that, I'm going to take this half

cup of butter--

Lieutenant?

I'll take this half cup of butter, and I will heat it in

this frying pan.

Now you think you can do that?

-I don't know.

I'll try.

-All right.

Then, uh, get cracking.

-Is that my camera?

Is that?

-[laugh], you're on television.

[applause]

-All right, now.

-All right.

-I'll heat this up, meantime.

And you'd better get cracking, lieutenant.

-I'll get cracking here.

-All right.

-Uh, no, just the yolks.

-What do you mean, just the yolk?

This goes in here, doesn't it?

-No, no, wait, no, no.

You have to separate--

let me show you what I mean.

Here.

you separate the yolks from the whites, you

see, by doing that.

And then you just put the yolks in there like that.

-Oh, I got it.

All right.

There we are.

-That's very good.

That's very good.

[applause]

-That's amazing.

You must do a little cooking at home, huh?

-Uh.

-Uh, what?

[laugh]

-You're doing very well, though, I must say.

-Thank you.

-Uh, [laugh].

-Can't you say anything else, Lieutenant?

[laugh]

-Uh, [laugh]

-I think that's great.

You amuse me, Lieutenant.

[laugh]

-Uh.

-[laugh]

-Oh, please forgive me.

That's very good for a job well done.

[applause]

-No, put it in there.

Take the bows after.

All right.

-All right.

Oh, I broke this one.

-That's all right.

-It's all right.

It doesn't make any difference.

Nobody saw it.

[laughter]

-That's fine.

-All right.

And one more.

-One more.

-And we separate those.

Oh, I'm getting sloppy with this thing here.

-That's fine.

That's OK.

-There we are.

-Why don't you wipe your hands off.

-Thank you very much.

-All right, now, now what about a little lemon juice.

Put a little lemon juice in there.

-All right.

-I'll put the butter in.

A little more.

A little bit more.

-A little bit more.

-Perfect, OK.

Butter.

Now, a little dash of salt.

-Salt.

Yeah, I'm getting to enjoy this.

-I know.

A little pepper.

[laugh]

OK, that's great.

Now, why don't you turn on the blender.

-Right here?

-Right there.

There we go.

Now, while that's blending, I'll put this

in here like this.

And that's just about right.

Now, why don't we just take this off.

Want to hold that?

Whoops.

I said turn that off.

[laugh]

Magic.

Whoa!

I am terribly sorry.

-That was your fault.

-I know it was.

[laughter]

-Mm.

Too much pepper, I think.

[laughter]

-It is.

[piano music]

-Oh, I'm terribly sorry, lieutenant, but that's that

fateful music.

Yes, you gorgeous gaggle of gals out there, it's time to

say goodbye for today.

And remember, [FRENCH ACCENT] when the husband comes home

tonight, let him know what the wonderful eating can do for

the marriage.

This is Dexter Paris saying, bye-bye,

ladies, see you tomorrow.

Thank you, Lieutenant.

[applause]

-Well you know, I can't believe this really happened.

I mean, appearing on TV like this?

I was very nervous.

-Now, calm yourself.

-Could you notice?

-You were fine.

-No, my hand was shaking.

-No, you were really fine.

-When I broke the egg, I was nervous.

-You were fine.

-No really, you know, Mr. Paris, This was a very, very

big moment for me.

-You were an asset to the show, believe me.

-I looked all right, then?

-You looked fine.

-I mean, photographically?

-You looked wonderful.

-I didn't say much.

I don't remember saying anything.

-What's on your mind, Lieutenant?

-I remember coming around this corner.

And then, from there on in, nothing, I couldn't remember.

You know my wife cooks all your recipes.

And when I first met you, I didn't mention that I really

knew who you were.

But when I went home, I told her.

Well, she absolutely fell down.

She's a big fan of yours.

I forgot to say hello.

I was so nervous, I forgot to say hello.

Isn't that something--

-Lieutenant, what's on your mind?

-She'll kill me.

-What's on your mind?

-You know what the problem is?

The problem is, whenever she tries one of your recipes,

it's a disaster.

A total disaster.

And she follows your instructions to the letter.

Believe me, disaster.

I don't know what it is.

But the souffle falls down, or the cake hardens.

You name it, disaster.

You know what I told her?

I told her it was the equipment.

-Lieutenant, I'm afraid I'm going to be out of my teens by

the time this conversation gets anywhere.

-Well, do you ever recommend any equipment, like, say, for

instance, a mixer?

You know, one of those small electrical mixers that you

hold in your hand?

-No, I'm not permitted to endorse any

products, by brand names.

No, I'm sorry.

-Oh, I didn't know that.

I'm sorry.

Well, you know, I did want to tell you, you know, they've

definitely established now that your uncle passed away

from an electrical shock.

I thought you should be aware of that.

-Oh, I don't understand.

I mean, uh--

you mean, from the exercise machine?

-No, no, I sent an electrician out there.

The machine works absolutely perfectly.

-Well, that d-- doesn't make any sense.

I mean, do you have any ideas?

-Yes sir, I do.

It seems reasonably certain to me that

your uncle was murdered.

-Oh, come on, Columbo.

Come on, will you?

This melodramatic sleuthing is driving me crazy.

Look, I don't--

I don't like being rude, Lieutenant, but

I really must go.

-For instance, that upstairs bathtub.

If somebody went in there and, let's say, dropped an

electrical appliance in there, in that bathtub, during a time

when it was occupied, I mean.

-Now look, you come in here with the subtlety of a train

wreck, and you ask me what electric mixers I use.

-You know, I didn't want to bother you personally.

But I checked with your secretary.

And she told me that you ordered up two brand new

mixers only last week.

-[laugh]

My brother put you up to it, right?

-No sir, no he didn't.

-One, two.

My brother's beautiful.

He's beautiful.

I'm sure he put it to you, didn't he?

Oh, I can see him now.

Yes, my brother.

Dexter, unreliable.

Dilettante.

Waiting for uncle to die so he can feed off his millions.

Yes, if you want a suspect, I suggest you keep an eye on

him, Lieutenant.

Must go now.

Terribly sorry.

Toodle-ooh.

How was that, close?

-Close, that was terrific.

You're very talented, no I mean that.

-Thank you.

-And you're right, that's pretty much what he said.

-Let me ask you a question.

Did you hurl the same defamatory remarks at him?

-He doesn't seem to have much of a motive to kill your

uncle, uh, sir.

I mean, he's established.

He has money of his own.

-Let me tell you something, Lieutenant.

My brother happens to be a creature of habit.

Today is Wednesday, correct?

Did he happen to tell he was going to fly to San Francisco

on a business trip?

-Yes.

That's amazing.

Yes, he did.

-Yeah, I thought so.

You doing anything for the next couple of hours?

Come on.

-Where are we going?

-We're going to visit my brother.

See his motive.

-How long has this been going on?

-First time in Vegas, eh?

-Uh, we were supposed to come down two years ago, but my

wife switched sides and voted with my in-laws.

We ended up in Animal Land.

It was nothing like this.

-You see that second crap table over there?

Over there.

You recognize anybody?

-Seven, the winner.

-Oh, he tells me he's going to San Francisco.

-That's right.

-This is the San Francisco trip?

-Right.

He comes here every Wednesday, in rain or shine, in sickness

or in health--

mostly in sickness.

Hey, you like the last impersonation I did of him?

You're going to love this one.

[laugh]

Come on.

-Where?

-Come on.

-Well, well, Mr. Paris.

I believe this is the first time in three years I've seen

you without a necktie on.

What can I do for you today?

-Well, I'm not here to beg another credit extension.

But this gentleman is willing to advance me sufficient funds

to help me diminish my indebtedness to this

establishment.

-Yes, one minute, Norman.

I'm willing to that ma'am.

I'd like to know how much he owes first, exactly.

Do you have that on file?

-Yes, of course.

We have that one right here.

We have markers for Mr. Paris totaling $37,500.

-That enough evidence?

That is what you said, huh, Columbo?

Huh?

Come on.

CROUPIER [OFFSCREEN]: Seven, a loser.

-Excuse me.

Excuse me.

CRAPS DEALER [OFFSCREEN]: New shooter.

Don't forget your big six and your big eight, folks.

Don't forget your field.

-That's me too.

CRAPS DEALER [OFFSCREEN]: Your big six and your big eight,

and watch your field.

Here we go.

Craps, a loser.

Coming up, new shooter, get your bets down.

Don't forget your big six and your big eight, folks.

Don't forget your pass line.

Here we go.

Get your bets down, folks.

A new shooter.

Shooter coming out.

Here we go now.

Care to make a bet, sir?

Watch your hands.

Watch your hands, folks.

Eight the number, easy eight.

Seven, a loser.

Get your bets down, folks, a shooter coming up.

-Beautiful, just beautiful.

Beautiful, just beautiful.

I didn't know how gorgeous this stuff was, you know--

-If you please.

-Uh, yes, Lieutenant, Mr. Paris was

a very shrewd collector.

-This stuff was worth a fortune, eh?

-Well, that's what these gentleman and I are trying to

determine, Lieutenant.

You see, I was Mr. Paris's business manager as well as

his attorney.

So I'm responsible for all these assets.

-Well listen, I don't want to get in the way or anything, so

you just tell me.

I mean, I know that's a big responsibility to have with

all this-- uh-- all these lovely artifacts, things of

such beauty.

-Well, there's a lot more to the estate

than just this house.

-Are you close to the nephews at all?

-No, not really.

I think Dexter is useless.

Norman's rather pompous.

-Excuse me.

-She practically raised both boys.

So she--

she has more love for the family than the family does.

-I think she hates me.

I really feel that.

I bet she's very strong.

Yes, it is, it's a shame that the two brothers don't get

along like that.

-Which one of them do you suspect?

-I beg your pardon.

-[LAUGHING] Come now, lieutenant.

-Well sir, the trouble there is, it seems to me that they

both have pretty good motives.

I'm very big on motive.

-Mm-hmm.

Norman's Gambling debts, you mean?

-You know about that?

-Hmm, he just made sure the old man never found out.

He was awfully proud of Norman.

But Norman wasn't there that day, remember?

Dexter was.

He came while Clifford and I were fencing.

And if-- don't touch that, please, lieutenant, that's a

rather valuable little piece.

-Oh, sorry.

-Has your department visited Lisa Chambers at all?

Must've been really tough on her.

-Well, you know what's the funny thing about that?

When I spoke to her, she was very nervous.

Sort of defensive.

Would she have any reason that you know of to maybe help or,

uh, maybe protect either one of the two brothers?

-Protect them?

I don't I think she even knows them.

Oh, met Dexter once or twice perhaps, but uh, no, I

wouldn't think so, lieutenant.

-Well, thank you very much for your courtesy, Mr. Hatheway.

Believe me, we're going to check out every possibility.

-Including myself, I trust.

I wouldn't want to feel slighted.

-Well, to be frank, sir, we haven't slighted you.

A man dies without a will, well, we know that whoever

manages an estate of this size can do pretty well by it.

-I certainly hope to.

Does that put me on your list?

-Well, you know, we checked out where you went after your

fencing match with Mr. Paris.

And you really couldn't have killed anybody from that

attorney's banquet.

-Well, it's always flattering to be

considered, however briefly.

-Right.

Of course, you could have had him killed.

But I really don't put you very high

on the list of suspects.

Nice talking to you, sir.

-Bum!

You're a bum!

Putting your stinking cigar butt in this

silver antique dish?

Do you see this?

-I thought it was an ashtray.

I have one at home that looks exactly like that.

Would you excuse me for a moment?

Excuse me.

-[laugh]

-Mrs. Peck?

Mrs. Peck, I made a very poor introduction of myself to you,

I know that.

I'm a stranger in your house that you love, and I'm here to

do something that's not very pleasant.

So I don't expect you to like me.

But I have feelings too, Mrs. Peck.

Now, I'm sorry about being untidy.

That's something that I can't control.

That's a fault of mine that I--

I, I don't know, I just can't correct it.

And I've tried many years.

I'm just very untidy.

That's my nature.

But I've never been--

I've never been rude to you, Mrs. Peck.

And if you keep on treating me like I'm an enemy just because

I'm here trying to find who killed the man that you worked

for for 33 years, well then-- well then I think you're a

very unfair person.

-Lieutenant Columbo?

Lieutenant, I know that you are a

very hardworking officer.

And I would like to offer you a plate of Mr. Paris's

favorite health cookies and a glass of milk.

-Well, thank you, I'm extremely

fond of health cookies.

And then what?

-Nothing.

Oh, the bell rang, and I let Miss Chambers in.

She had a cab waiting.

-Maybe there's some little thing, I mean really little, a

noise, maybe?

-Well, the TV there went off for a minute.

-The TV went off?

-Well, it came back on again in-- in a few seconds.

It's not worth mentioning, except that the color hasn't

been the same since.

-Oh.

Well, you know, I'm an expert on fine tuning.

What I mean is, you know, I know what those repairmen get.

See, I got stunned a couple of times.

And I went down to the supermarket.

And I bought one of those instructional manuals, and I

really studied it up.

So if you don't mind, may I take a look at this, let me

see what I can do for you?

-Uh, no.

-Now, when the TV set went off, did the

lights go off too?

-Well, I didn't have any lights on in here at all.

Of course, I don't know about the rest of the house.

But it was only 20 seconds.

I'm sure it wasn't--

-When was that, Mrs. Peck?

Do you remember exactly when it was that

the set went flooey?

-Yes, I remember exactly because I was

hammering on the TV.

And I saw the clock.

And it was 8:05, exactly.

-And Miss Chambers got here 8:30.

Boy, this thing really is out of whack, isn't it?

But I'm going to be able to help you with it.

You see, all you have to do is get the precise thing here--

Oh dear, wait a minute.

Oh, wait a minute.

Now, Mrs. Peck, I want you to remain calm.

Oh now, remain calm, Mrs. Peck.

Just remain calm.

This is just--

-Out.

--supposed to screw back on very easily.

This is part of the knob.

You just tell the repair--

-Out!

-This'll go right back.

Yes ma'am.

I'm leaving

-Out!

-I'd be very happy to pay for this.

Just--

-Out!

-Yes ma'am, I'm going.

Maybe the repair man--

-Out!

-Yes, I'll leave it right here.

-Your uncle left a will, Norman, leaving the bulk of

the estate not to you, or your brother, but

to Miss Lisa Chambers.

Would you like to see for yourself?

See, the girl really wasn't that keen on marrying him.

Silly little thing, honestly, didn't care

at all about money.

So in a burst of, uh, what, romantic enthusiasm, and to

show her that he believed she'd never marry him for his

money, he had me draw up this will leaving everything to her

whether she married him or not.

-Oh, I can't accept this.

-So if either one of you killed him, it's all for

nothing because the money goes to the girl--

unless, of course, well--

-Go on, please.

-Well, there are only three copies of this will, you know.

One in my safe, and one which was in your uncle's safe until

I removed it this morning, and the copy held by the girl.

-And?

-And I might be able to persuade the lovely but not

too brilliant young lady into giving me her copy for

safekeeping.

Ergo, no copy of any will being found, the estate

descends to you and your brother.

-In return for?

-A simple contract calling for the retention of my services

as business manager and as attorney.

I see no reason not to make as much money now from the estate

as I did before your uncle died.

-Tell you what, counselor, you can be my business manager and

my lawyer, if you can get her copy of the will

away from that girl.

-That's fair enough.

Go pick up your other phone and listen, if you'd like.

[phone ringing]

-Hello?

-Uh, Miss Chambers, this is Michael Hatheway.

-Oh, listen.

I've been trying to get in touch with

your office all day.

-Oh really?

-Well, this police detective came over here to ask me a lot

of questions, you know, about Clifford and his nephews and

everything.

And I didn't know what to tell him.

-That's funny, that's what I was calling about.

Do you have a moment?

-I'm listening.

-I do have certain sources in the police department who seem

to feel that you're regarded as a prime suspect in Mr.

Paris's death.

-I know that.

That I know.

But I didn't do it, Mr. Hatheway.

-Let me finish.

Please, Miss Chambers.

Now, I strongly suggest that when they come to arrest you--

-Arrest me?

Oh really, oh--

-Oh yes.

Apparently they feel the circumstantial evidence is

overwhelming, particularly since it was unfortunately you

who found Mr. Paris's body.

-Mr. Hatheway, I didn't do this.

You know I didn't do this.

-Of course you didn't.

I'm only telling you these things because I feel that,

for Mr. Paris's sake, the least I can do is help you get

out of this mess.

There's one very important thing you should understand,

Miss Chambers.

If the police should ever find that copy of the will Mr.

Paris made out naming you as sole beneficiary--

-But I don't want the money.

I never wanted the money.

-I realize that.

But you must understand that the police will

never believe you.

-I don't care about the money.

-Well, we don't have very much time, Miss Chambers.

I think the wisest thing is to pick up your copy of that will

myself for safekeeping, just in case the police come at you

with a search warrant tonight.

-Yeah, OK, all right.

Thank you very much.

-I can be at your apartment at 5 o'clock.

-Thank you.

-Good work, counselor.

[doorbell ringing]

-Miss Chambers?

Miss Chambers?

Hello?

Miss Chambers?

[siren]

[CAR DOORS OPENING AND CLOSING]

-Oh!

-Sir, may I ask which apartment you came from?

-I sent Hatheway in, eh?

Oh boy, has he got a galloping imagination.

And you believe him?

-Oh, now I never said that, sir.

But Mr. Hatheway does claim that since you knew what time

he was due to visit Miss Chambers, all you had to do

was get there ahead of him, wait until you--

-Wrong.

-Saw his car arrive, when you knew that he was in the

elevator,

-Wrong.

-Shove the lady over the balcony,

-Wrong.

-Disappear down the back stairs in all the commotion.

-Wrong.

-Well, he was very insistent, Mr. Paris.

He woke up half the police station.

He was very loud, very vocal.

You wouldn't believe the noise that he made.

-What do you expect?

A confession?

-No.

No sir, no, I don't.

Oh, by the way, I have here a, uh, copy of an agreement

signed by you--

[mumbling]

"retaining Mr. Michael Hatheway as business manager

and attorney for all the estate."

-That's right, Lieutenant.

I assumed that I would need someone to handle my share of

my uncle's estate that I thought I was inheriting.

And that's a straight, above board business agreement.

I, uh--

-I see here, your brother signed it.

-We thought we were inheriting my uncle's estate.

-Oh.

I thought you never talked to your brother.

-Lieutenant, I talked to my brother today for the first

time in over two years on the phone to discuss the signing

of that agreement.

When I hung up, I still hated his pompous guts, and I'm sure

he felt the same way about me.

-I guess wounds between two people never heal.

-Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

When I talked to my brother Norman, I did tell him that

Hatheway and Lisa Chambers were going

to meet at 5 o'clock.

-You did.

-Yeah.

Well, well, good old Norman.

My banker brother.

I'm sure he won't admit that I told him.

-I would tend to agree with that, sir, yes.

-Which means that Hatheway could be telling the truth.

In other words, [laugh], good old Norman could have shoved

Lisa right off the balcony, which means that--

that, possibly, he committed two murders, not one.

You realize the 6 o'clock news could make him a bigger TV

celebrity than I am?

-Mr. Paris, do you think that your brother is guilty?

-The truth?

Of course not.

No, I think it's quite obvious what happened.

I think, uh, Hatheway and the girl made a deal.

She killed my uncle.

Hatheway killed her.

She probably tried to cross him for some reason or other.

And he shoved her off the balcony.

Lieutenant?

-Oh, sorry.

Thank you very much, Mr. Paris.

You've been very helpful.

Good night.

MALE SPEAKER [OFFSCREEN, ON TV]: Mr. Marshak, you've had

over 30 years as a practicing lawyer in this town.

-I'm new, I'm green.

Tell me what can I do for this client?

-What can any one of us ever do, Tony?

Oh, we can be grateful, I suppose--

-Oh, I know--

Lieutenant Columbo!

-Can't talk now.

-Lieutenant.

-Can't talk now.

-You have been allowed to come into this house.

You have been given permissions--

-Not now.

-To come all through here.

You have turned everything into chaos.

Now, you have bungled my television set.

Do you hear me?

-My television does not work.

-It'll be fine now.

New fuse, I promise it'll be terrific.

I promise.

MALE SPEAKER [OFFSCREEN, ON TV]: If we hadn't maneuvered

Irving's confession of infidelities with Shirley's

uncle and aunt, we might have sent still

another man to his death.

-Purple.

I'll kill him!

[doorbell ringing]

-I want to pay the repairman for you.

I want to pay everything.

Right now, while the man is still here, I'll pay it.

Mrs. Peck, in front of your eyes, I'll do it.

And I won't touch anything.

I swear, on my mother's eyes, not a thing.

Please, would you let me in?

-You get the Degas.

I get the Picassos.

-Norman, you couldn't tell a Picasso from a Rorschach test.

-Can anyone?

I know well enough what they're worth.

-Is that all that matters to you?

Money, dollars and cents?

Is that all?

-Look, my fellow vulture.

If you're to be here, you're going to be picking the bones.

-Excuse us, Lieutenant Columbo is here.

-Thank you Mrs. Peck.

Yes, Lieutenant, what is it this time?

-Well, I'm a little ahead of the police car supposed to

meet me here, but--

-Uh, pardon me, lady, but how do you want me to set the

color on that thing?

-Oh, it's OK, Mrs. Peck, uh, take care of your TV set.

Go ahead.

-You were saying, Lieutenant.

-Well, to tell you the truth, I came here, I

think, to make an arrest.

-You think?

-Well, it's a little bit complicated.

Would you mind too much coming with me to the bathroom?

-Columbo, you're marvelous.

You're absolutely bizarre.

-Mr. Paris, would you lift me out of the tub?

-What do you mean, lift you out of the tub?

-Yes, sir, if you could please try.

I'll stay just like this.

-Well, I could try, yes.

-Thank you very much.

Just try, and I'll say just like this.

-Let's see.

I can't get any leverage.

Wait--

[sigh]

I can't, it must be the angle--

-That's right, sir.

That is perfectly right.

And you'll notice, sir, that I'm perfectly dry.

I'm not even slippery.

I mean, I have my clothes on.

And you still could not lift me out of the tub.

Uh, officer, no, I'll do that in a moment.

-Do you intend to demonstrate drowning yourself for us,

Lieutenant?

-Uh, no sir.

But I think I can demonstrate is that your uncle could have

died from an electrical shock without showing any marks, or

burns, or anything like that.

Now let's see.

Officer, could you turn off that water, please?

You see, I'm not exactly sure.

I think everybody should stand back for a moment.

I'm not overly expert on electrical equipment.

-All right.

Now, suppose Mr. Paris was in that bathtub there, and

somebody came walking in, you see.

Officer, would you turn on that light, please?

-Lieutenant, are you suggesting that someone just

sauntered into the bathroom carrying an electric mixer?

-Well, I'm just using this mixer.

I mean, anything electrical is what I'm trying to show.

Now here we go.

-Cannot supersede--

-Oh.

-Very quickly, now.

We should all go very quickly, now.

Left, bear left.

This is a pretty old house, here, as you know, and when

they have those old-time fuses, the screw in kind,

right here--

-Lieutenant?

-Yes, sir, just bear with me for a moment, would you?

All right, Lou.

67 seconds exactly.

-Fascinating, I didn't know that.

-Oh yes, sir, yes Mr. Paris.

I think you did know that.

-Know what?

-Well, you see, sir, you know what bothered me?

Right from the beginning, it bothered me, how the murderer

got into the house after Mrs. Peck switched on the burglar

alarm.

-Well, someone was here shortly before the, uh,

incident, as I recall, Lieutenant.

-Come off it, Norman.

I said I left the house.

And I left the house.

Mrs. Peck saw me.

-It would've been necessary for someone to let the

murderer in, somebody already in the house who could turn

off the burglar alarm.

-Well, that lets me off, I guess, huh?

-I'm afraid not, Mr. Paris.

Instead of leaving the house, you stayed around, and you

turned off the burglar alarm at the right moment.

-Mrs. Peck, did you, or did you not see me drive out of

here, wave goodbye, honk my horn--

-No sir, she didn't see you.

She saw him.

I think you had on the same clothes as your

brother, Mr. Paris.

I think it was you that drove out and then came back later

when your brother let you in.

-Are you nuts?

-I resent defamation, Lieutenant.

-You said you two never talked,

except about that agreement.

Well, I guess you had to say that in order to keep the

guessing game going.

But you know, that's what nailed you down.

I called the telephone company.

They told me that you two have talked maybe 20 times in the

last 10 days.

-You're saying they killed their uncle?

These boys wouldn't do such a thing.

-I'm sorry Mrs. Peck.

But I think this time they needed each other so much that

they both did something very bad.

See 67 seconds.

67.

It took us 67 seconds to get down here replace that fuse.

But Mrs. Peck's television set was only out for 15 seconds.

There had to be somebody else waiting down here to

replace that fuse.

And somebody had to help lift the body out of bathtub.

On man couldn't have done that alone, and then dried him off

with that wet towel I found, and then put him in sweatsuit,

let alone carry him down the stairs.

-Stop it!

-It's all right, Mrs. Peck.

What's done is done.

What's obvious is obvious.

I'm just sorry that you had to be here.

-Shut up!

-OK, gents.

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