Original subtitles

[woman screaming]

-Stop it!

-I think it was you.

[gasp]

COLUMBO [OFFSCREEN]: That's Big Ben, isn't it?

Boy, that's terrific.

Thing that old, it's only a minute slow.

-Not that our little rendezvous meant very much.

-Don't be so ridiculous.

No one will believe that.

-From what I hear, your wife might know Sir Roger better

than you do, sir.

-Filthy snoop.

-Ma'am, I didn't mean to pry.

-I can handle Miss Dudley.

-Pardon me.

[music playing]

[music playing]

[music playing]

[music playing]

[music playing]

[music playing]

[music playing]

LILLIAN STANHOPE [OFFSCREEN]: Not only do I need to see to

play this part, the character is not a pauper, so that can

go--

-All right.

We will change the crown in the third act.

Make a note, Miss Dudley.

LILLIAN STANHOPE [OFFSCREEN]: And how about the heater in my

dressing room?

The whole thing's going to explode any moment.

-I told the stage doorman, and he will fix it when he can.

Now Lily, at your entrance at the top of the dagger scene--

-My entrance?

That scenery is covered in nails.

If you want to see me disrobed and disemboweled, just carry

on like this.

-Lily, they are hammering as fast as they can.

Now can we please get back to the subject at hand?

Which in this case happens to be your emergence at the top

of the scene.

LILLIAN STANHOPE [OFFSCREEN]: My emergence at

the top of the scene--

DIRECTOR [OFFSCREEN]: Now I've asked you repeatedly to play

it with more speed.

LILLIAN STANHOPE [OFFSCREEN]: Come at

exactly the wrong moment.

DIRECTOR [OFFSCREEN]: And with more conviction.

LILLIAN STANHOPE [OFFSCREEN]: Conviction?

DIRECTOR [OFFSCREEN]: And you have

repeatedly ignored my requests.

LILLIAN STANHOPE [OFFSCREEN]: I am playing it at the pace

that I always play it.

-A-ha, Miss Dudley, more of his stupid notes, huh?

Why don't you bring them back to my dressing room later,

and--

-Nicky?

-Uh, no, no, better not.

DIRECTOR [OFFSCREEN]: Where the devil have you been?

-To see the queen.

-Look, we're an hour late now for the dinner break, and I

would like to get this curtain up before midnight.

-Don't worry, dear boy.

It'll be up by dark.

-Oh, yes?

Well, I've got at least 30 changes to argue with you, and

Lily keeps insisting--

-Argue?

We'll do whatever you say.

Aren't we always the little lambs?

-Nick, are you smashed?

-Pay no attention to him, darling.

Directors are always hysterics.

-My gracious wife forgives you.

Now off to the pub, everyone.

Tonight's only dress rehearsal, remember?

Well, what are you waiting to see?

Clear out of our castle!

-All right.

Everybody back in one hour.

[laughter]

-Lily, my love, how would you like to do "A Doll's House" in

New York, late next season?

[laughter]

-Or star--

star in some magnificent film at Sir Roger's expense?

[laughter]

-Lover!

-[humming]

Hey!

Muh, muh, muh-muh-muh-muh.

-Nicky, for heaven's sake.

-Hun, hun, hun, hun, hunger!

Hunger!

[vocalizing]

-Lover!

What a gorgeous surprise!

But you never come to dress rehearsal.

-I think I managed to get in without being noticed.

-But you couldn't stand not seeing me for another whole

day, could you?

Is anything wrong?

You're not worried about this production of

"Macbeth," are you?

We're going to get rave notices.

[laughs]

Well, you know actors.

We're all just children anyway.

-Children?

-Roger, I had the most perfect idea for Sunday.

I was walking past Covent Garden.

Nick'll never know.

He'll think I've gone to visit my cousin with arthritis.

So I got us two seats for the symphony.

We'll be all alone in the box together.

And then afterwards--

-Afterwards?

What do you think I am, you lying--

you didn't buy those tickets today.

Your husband did.

-What?

-And last weekend at Brighton, I suppose he arranged

that for us, too.

Not that our little rendezvous meant very much.

You so conveniently had a headache.

-Ha--

ahh, Roger, old boy.

Now this is a pleasant surprise.

Lily, what a curious position.

-You, you conniving panderer, you put her up to every bit of

it.

-He's gone out of his mind.

He's come straight out of a Victorian novel.

-And all just to lure me into reopening my theater, into

backing you, and into playing angel to a has-been leading

man and his aging ingenue.

-Listen to him!

-Lily, be quiet.

Really, Sir Roger, I--

I don't know who's been telling you stories, but if

you're implying any misunderstanding of my wife's

deep devotion to you, why, she looks on you as her own

father, don't you, Lily?

-That's enough!

Today I finally realized, after all my years as a

producer, I've simply being taken--

taken by a ham and a tart.

-Roger, I'll forgive your nasty language--

-You've just helped me decide.

There won't be any "Macbeth." I'm going out and tell the

whole company.

This play is not only cancelled, but I'll see to it

that neither one of you ever works again on any stage!

-Stop him!

NICHOLAS FRAME [OFFSCREEN]: Roger!

-Nick, no--

-Let go of me.

-Stop it!

Stop it, both of you!

[knock]

STAGEHAND [OFFSCREEN]: Miss Stanhope,

everything all right?

-What?

Yes.

STAGEHAND [OFFSCREEN]: Is Mr. Frame in there with you?

We're about ready for curtain.

-Oh, just a little family fight, that's all.

We'll be ready.

-[WHISPERING] Dead?

-[WHISPERING] Dead.

-Nick, I didn't mean to.

NICHOLAS FRAME [OFFSCREEN]: Well, of

course you didn't, darling.

Neither of us did.

What are we going to do?

-I could tell them that he attacked us.

It was self-defense, you know?

-Sir Roger--

Sir Roger Haversham?

Don't be so ridiculous.

No one would believe that.

Hey, Nicky, he said that no one saw him

come in here tonight.

[knocking]

STAGEHAND [OFFSCREEN]: Places, please.

First act places, Miss Stanhope.

[KNOCKIN

NICHOLAS FRAME [OFFSCREEN]: Whence is that knocking?

How is't with me when every noise appalls me?

What hands are here?

Ha!

They pluck out mine eyes.

[gasps]

Will all great Neptune's ocean wash this blood

clean from my hand?

No, this my hand will rather the multitudinous seas

incarnadine, making the green one red.

-My hands are of your color, but I shame to

wear a heart so white.

[knocking]

-I hear a knocking at the south entry.

Retire we to our chamber.

A little water clears us of this dead.

How easy is it, then!

Your constancy hath left you unintended.

Be not lost so poorly in thy thoughts.

-To know my deed, 'twere best not know myself.

[knocking]

-Wake Duncan with thy knocking!

I would thou couldst!

-Did you call Rogers' club?

-Yes, yes, they said he hadn't been in town all day.

-But he must have talked to someone.

-Makes no difference, Nick.

The club was positive that Roger was alone

at home this evening.

So I said never mind, I wouldn't disturb him.

-Knock, knock!

-At home?

That's 20 miles.

-Shhh!

You're coming unglued.

-Oh, oh, go on.

Go on.

-Here's a farmer, that hanged himself on the

expectation of plenty.

Come in time, where napkins enough about you.

Here, you'll sweat for it.

[knocking]

-Knock, knock, knock.

[repeated clanging]

-What on Earth's going on?

-Oh, excuse me, ma'am.

I--

I thought it's be a good chance to fix your heater

pipes here.

You know, what with all that knocking going on out there.

I won't be a jiffy.

Right, I think I better move this a bit.

-No!

Don't bother with the heater tonight, Joe.

-What, and have you freezing from icicles?

Oh, no, no, no, no, ma'am.

No leading lady's going to go tripping over pipes and tools

what I leave lying all over her boudoir.

-That's all right, Joe.

I don't mind.

Fix it tomorrow.

-Just wanted you to be comfortable.

-Very kind of you, Joe.

-The Queen, my lord, is dead.

NICHOLAS FRAME [OFFSCREEN]: She

should have died hereafter.

There would have been a time for such a word.

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.

-It'll be tomorrow if you don't get a move on.

NICHOLAS FRAME [OFFSCREEN]: Creeps in this petty pace from

day to day to the last syllable of recorded time, and

all our yesterdays have lighted fools the

way to dusty death.

Out, out brief candle!

Life is but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and

frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more.

It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

signifying nothing.

-I found his car.

I brought around close in the alley.

-Cheerio, Mr. Frame.

It stopped raining, you know.

-Oh, it did?

That's so nice.

-I--I'm sorry I'm so slow.

I guess we're the last ones.

-Yes.

-Still 20 minutes to closing time next door, Joe.

Here, on us.

-Oh.

-I'll lock up for you.

-Well, that's most gracious of you, sir.

Bless you both.

'Night, Miss Stanhope.

-Roger's umbrella!

[dog barking]

-[laughs]

If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were

done quickly.

-He had a dirty mind.

-Hello, Freddy, what's up?

-Scotland Yard out there.

They muffed it.

Lost some bloke in the airport.

-Dangerous?

-No, a big VIP coming in from the States.

Missed him entirely.

-Bit of an embarrassment, eh?

-Excuse me, sir, you didn't happen to notice my luggage?

Purple kind of flowers?

Actually, it's my wife's.

-Luggage inquiries, bear left, sir.

-I was in there, sir.

There was no one there.

Ma'am, you don't mind if I just take a look at this loose

handle here?

You see, last night when my wife was packing, I happened

to notice--

-I haven't seen any senate or film star

types in here, Freddy?

Now why don't you--

-He's some ruddy great detective from Los

Angeles, that's ho.

-Detective?

[clattering]

-Ma'am, I'm terribly sorry.

I didn't mean to do that.

I thought it was my bag.

-My suitcase!

-I've lost my bag, ma'am.

This is not mine.

I know that now, but I saw the purple on the outside.

-No, it's mine, thank you.

-Little mix-up, eh, sir?

Now you don't mine if we have a look at your baggage stubs,

now do you?

-Uh, well, I don't have any.

That's the problem, sir.

I thought I had some.

I had them here on my passport.

Came in on 28, 707 from LA, and I thought I had

them right in here.

I think I made a mistake when I came in the wrong door--

-Quite so, sir.

Now you don't mind just stepping over here with me, do

you?

-Well, I'd like to help this lady--

-No, thank you.

-I'm quite sure you can explain it all to the

inspector, sir.

-I want to apologize, ma'am.

I certainly didn't--

-This way, sir.

-Uh, one moment.

Thank you very much.

-Any luck?

-'Fraid not, Sarge.

Usual lot.

-Bloody hell.

-Well, it's not your fault he missed his plane, Sarge.

-He didn't miss it.

I've just checked with the airline.

-Freddy, not a police lieutenant, is he?

I was just about to put the arm on this

light-finger bloke--

-You what?

Where?

-Over there, sir.

-Him?

Blimey.

-There he is, Sarge.

-You have everything back in--

LADY [OFFSCREEN]: Yes, I'm-- oh, these.

I need these.

-You understand, I thought it was my suitcase--

-Excuse me, is this lady causing you a problem?

-They both had flowers.

I'm sorry?

-Is this lady causing you a problem, sir?

-Beg your pardon?

No, not at all.

-I'm Sergeant O'Keefe, Scotland Yard.

Lieutenant.

-This is all my fault.

-I'm here to escort you to London, sir.

I'm sorry I, uh, I missed you at the plane, sir.

-How do you do, Sergeant?

-How do you do, Lieutenant?

-Well, this is a great honor.

-Well.

Yeah, the car's just parked outside.

-Would you excuse me, please?

I--

-Ma'am, I'm terribly sorry about that.

-All right, all right.

-The problem here is I seem to have lost my suitcase.

-Then the Yard will find it for you, sir.

The least we can do for an honored guest, eh?

-Don't want to be a nuisance.

-No, no, no, it's no trouble, sir.

-Oh, fine.

-Already, we've found your passport for you.

Oh, and the commissioner's office asked me to give you

their official welcome, Lieutenant.

Even if I did muck up the red carpet business of it, sir.

-Well, it's great-- it's great to be here.

How do you do?

-How do you do?

-Lieutenant Columbo.

-How do you do, Lieutenant?

-Thank you very, very much.

You know, just to be here, Scotland Yard, Jack the

Ripper, and all that.

-Well, well--

-Thank you very much.

-This way, Lieutenant.

-Oh, fine.

-I've got the car waiting.

-Take it easy, will you?

-Thank you very much.

-Here, sir.

-Right here, fine.

[marching band playing]

[marching band playing]

[marching band playing]

[marching band playing]

[camera clicking]

[camera clicking]

[camera clicking]

[marching band playing]

[marching band playing]

[marching band playing]

[marching band playing]

-Gee, thanks for stopping.

-Not a trouble at all.

-Wait till my brother-in-law sees that picture.

Thank you very much for stopping.

I borrowed this camera from him.

See, he's in the National Guard.

He thinks he looks good in his uniform.

-Certainly, Lieutenant.

-Gee, I hope I put the film in right.

[marching band playing]

-You mean that's it?

-I expect you've seen pictures of the New Scotland Yard,

Lieutenant.

-Well, that looks pretty new to me.

-Yeah, the New Scotland Yard was the old headquarters.

But it wasn't Old Scotland Yard.

No, no, no.

It was New Scotland Yard, but erm--

-O'Keefe.

-I'm gonna take a picture.

-Where the devil have you been?

That plane got in two hours ago.

Didn't you meet it?

-I'm sorry, sir.

I didn't realize there was a hurry on.

He's never been here before.

I suppose things do look a bit different.

They were changing the guard at Buckingham Palace.

Fortunately, his camera wasn't in his suitcase.

Yeah, he's lost it.

Uh, his suitcase, I mean.

Yeah, there was a bit of a mix-up at London Airport.

-What, you mean--

I say.

-Uh, Lieutenant.

Lieutenant.

Uh, this is, uh, Detective Chief Superintendent Durk.

Lieutenant Columbo.

-Lieutenant.

-Detective Chief Superintendent Durk, this is a

great honor.

-Durk will do.

-He's to be your host on this inspection visit, sir.

-Well, I certainly don't wanna get in your hair, sir.

-Nonsense.

I'm the one that's messing up your schedule.

-Beg pardon?

-We were supposed to visit the new police academy at Reading

today, but I'm afraid my wife called and we're going to have

to make a little detour.

I hope you don't mind.

-My wife always calls about some errand

at the grocery store.

-Bit different this time.

Death in the family.

We'll use my car.

-Sure must be a big family.

[clicks tongue]

SUPT.

DURK [OFFSCREEN]: Yeah, the old duffer

lived alone, actually.

My wife's uncle, twice removed.

Actually, I saw very little of the fellow.

Come on.

[doorbell rings]

-This is just a duty call.

I'll leave my card and then we can be moving along.

I thought you might like to look around one

of these old places.

-Oh, er, Mr. Durk, sir?

-Yes.

Are you the local constable?

-Featheringham, sir.

And my accident report's is already filed.

But Mr. Tanner, he was properly disturbed finding the

master expired, and before breakfast and all.

So I stayed around to help see to the removal of the remains.

Er, just took His Lordship off, they did, to have him

properly coffined.

For public mourning, considering his station.

-What is he saying?

-His Lordship died.

Uh, some sort of accident.

-What happened?

-Well, I really don't know.

-You think you could ask?

-Could you fill us in, Constable?

-Oh, er, took a fall down the staircase, he did.

Landed just there, fully clad.

Just have happened before midnight, the doctor though,

what with the rigor mortis.

But we added it all up quite neatly.

Sir Roger was reading in the upstairs sitting room, you

see, and he started to come down.

MAID [OFFSCREEN]: Here we are, Charlie dear.

In times of trial, I always say there's nothing like--

-[POINTEDLY] Ahem-hem.

-Cold beer.

-Ahem.

Yes, well, I'll just have a word with

the servants, Columbo.

Look around as much as you like.

Quite an old showplace, really.

[no audible ringing]

-Excuse me.

-Irish whiskey before luncheon?

I would have thought perhaps with a glass of sherry, a nice

Amontillado, would be more appropriate.

-Oh, no, sir, no.

Thank you very much.

I really wasn't looking for a drink, no.

I was, uh--

I was just wondering, uh--

I wonder, could you tell me, do you know whether or not

Mister, uh, the gentleman, Sir Haversham, was that the chair

that he was reading in last night?

-Well, as a matter of fact, that was Sir Roger's chair

when he wanted to read, yes.

-Oh, I see.

Terrible thing, wasn't it?

-Yes, very shocking.

Thank you very much.

-Why do you suppose he started downstairs?

-No idea.

-Oh.

Hm.

Couldn't have been to get any liquor.

Certainly plenty of stuff up here.

-Well, sir, it's not for me to question my master's wishes.

As a matter of fact, he sometimes preferred to have a

cup of cocoa as a nightcap, from the kitchen.

-You work here?

-Indeed, I do.

I've been here for many happy years.

-I thought you were a friend of the family.

-Heh, heh.

Thank you very much.

And you, I take it, are the gentleman who rang the bell

just now?

-Oh, that works?

TANNER [OFFSCREEN]: Indeed, it does.

-Gee, I thought that was just decoration.

Boy, that's funny, isn't it?

TANNER [OFFSCREEN]: What's funny?

-No, I was just wondering, if--

if he wanted something last night, why he didn't just ring

for it?

-Well, if I may say so, unlike many masters, Sir Roger was

very considerate to his staff.

Perhaps you'll be good enough to excuse me.

-Oh, certainly, sir.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to hold you up.

I just get curious about these things.

I guess nobody heard anything when he fell downstairs?

-Well, that's understandable.

You see, Cook's quarters are in the south wing, and the

maids also sleep there.

I live in the old cottage.

It so happens that Sir Rogers dismissed us early last night,

I should say no later than 7 o'clock.

-What I was wondering, if that's--

-Ah.

-Ah, Arthur.

-Tanner's been the butler here for over 20 years, Columbo.

Uh, the lieutenant's here from Los Angeles for a few days.

He's observing our latest techniques at the Yard.

-How interesting.

Let's hope some of it rubs off, as they say.

-Oh, thank you very much.

I certainly hope so.

Well, listen, now if you're the butler, then maybe, uh--

you know, this is not too important.

But with your permission, it's just that I noticed that

somebody said that Sir Roger was fully dressed.

And I was wondering, I guess they meant by that that he was

wearing, like, a smoking jacket?

-Actually, Sir Roger was wearing a grey Harris tweed

suit with a blue tie.

-While he was reading?

[CHUCKLING] Isn't that something?

You know, I can't even stand a necktie.

-Sir Roger, if I may say so, was rather particular.

-Quite.

Well, uh, shall we be getting along, Columbo?

-Oh, yes, certainly, sir.

Oh, uh, sir.

Uh, you know, I couldn't help noticing, um--

do you have a moment?

[clears throat]

Now, I couldn't help noticing that a man with such an

impressive library, isn't it funny what

he did to that book?

-What?

-I mean, if this was the book that Sir Roger was reading

last night.

-I'm afraid I don't follow you.

-This is a valuable book, isn't it?

-"Alice in Wonderland," first edition?

I, uh--

I imagine it's worth a few thousand, yes.

-You see, back home, we call this the spine of the book,

and you know you can break that thing by putting it down

upside down like that?

Of course, I never knew that until I did it to my

mother-in-law's cookbook.

She almost hit me with a frying pan.

-Well, perhaps he was in a hurry, or perhaps something

startled him.

-Yes, sir.

You know, maybe that's why he started downstairs.

Maybe he heard something.

He was an older fellow, wasn't he?

-Yes.

-Just looking for his reading glasses, because I didn't

notice any around.

Would you mind asking the gentleman?

-Tanner, Mr. Columbo would like to know the whereabouts

of Sir Roger's glasses.

-If you don't mind, sir.

-No, not at all.

Actually, it was Sir Roger's custom when not actually

reading to keep his spectacles in his breast pocket, and if

you must know, that's where they still are.

-Oh, they must have got smashed up pretty badly after

he fell down all those stairs.

-Oh, well, we didn't actually waste time looking for broken

glass under such tragic circumstances.

Besides, we'd noticed nothing unusual or abnormal.

-No, no, no, just a--

just a simple accident.

Well, thank you, Tanner.

TANNER [OFFSCREEN]: Thank you.

SUPT.

DURK [OFFSCREEN]: And once again, my, uh, my sympathies.

-Thank you, Mr. Durk.

-Constable.

-Sir?

-I just had a thought.

You--

[interposing voices]

-Lovely chatting with you.

-Yes, sir.

-Going to tell my wife that I met a real English butler.

She's going to get a terrific kick out of that.

-You flatter me.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

-After you, Columbo.

[sobs loudly]

[sobs loudly]

-Please.

Please, gentlemen, not now.

-I'm--

I'm sorry.

-Hold it just like that, Mr. Frame.

Thank you, sir.

-No, no, no, we don't want that sort of thing.

Lily, pull yourself together, huh?

-[sobbing loudly]

-Let's get you out of here.

Out of the lights.

Poor Lillian.

Just like a favorite daughter to Sir Roger.

-A daughter, Mr. Frame?

Not much older than you, was he?

-Whose idea is this little bash?

-This "little bash" is a dream, gentlemen, Sir Roger's

own dream, which he confided to me on several occasions.

When I'm dead, he told me, I'd like one last chance to say

goodbye to all those beautiful actors and musicians--

now, there, there, there, Miss Dudley, stiff upper--

lip.

-And what about "Macbeth," Mr. Frame?

Somebody says you're still opening tonight.

-Well, yes, but-- but for his sake, not for ours.

Oh, if we didn't go on, Sir Roger would

roll over in his grave.

Spectaculum procedere debet, he always said.

The show must go on.

-Doesn't hurt advance ticket sales either, I suppose.

-Swine.

-Uh, be right back, darling.

[weeping loudly]

[weeping loudly]

-Ma'am, it's a lucky thing I packed a spare in my pocket

instead of my suitcase.

-Thank you.

-It got lost somewhere.

-You're American.

-LA.

Got in yesterday.

707, 11 hours.

-At least you're not a photographer.

My makeup must look dreadful.

-Actually, I did bring a camera, and I wanted to take a

picture of you, but not now.

Wrong time.

You can keep that.

-Thank you.

-Guess you must have been as close to Sir Roger lately as

anybody in the whole world.

-He was our dearest friend.

Sir Roger was mostly retired, you know, until this last few

months, when he persuaded us to do this lavish production.

What he'd always wanted to do.

Now he won't even be able to see it.

-Terrible time to ask, but how could I get tickets?

I'd love to see the show tonight.

-Well, I--

I think I could--

well--

can't your newspaper arrange it?

You are a reporter?

-Oh, no, ma'am, no.

Oh, no, I'm terribly sorry.

No, my name is Columbo.

I'm just a visiting fireman.

-Fireman?

-Well, that's just an expression.

I'm a policeman.

-Police?

-Yeah.

See, I'm just tagging along with that fellow over there.

Mr. Durk.

Detective Chief Superintendent, Scotland Yard.

He's showing me around London.

-Ah, Lieutenant, can we go now?

-Oh, yes, certainly.

-Let's see if we can get out this way, shall we?

-Yes.

Uh, excuse me, man.

Wonderful talking with someone as famous as you, and I hope

I've been able to make you feel a little better.

-Yes.

[sniffles]

-I, uh I had a word with the funeral chaps.

They're bringing the body about 2 o'clock, no fuss.

-Listen, that was a great idea that you had about checking up

on those glasses.

I mean, if he fell the way down that staircase with his

glasses in his pocket and they weren't even cracked--

-Actually, I, uh, I rather had it on my mind to request a

postmortem.

-Post what?

-Autopsy.

Well, one never knows with these little, uh, accidents.

-You can never be too sure.

-In the meantime, you might like to take a look at our

ballistics laboratories.

Quite the latest thing.

COLUMBO [OFFSCREEN]: Wonderful, wonderful.

-Autopsy?

-And Detective Chief Superintendent.

That means the murder squad, doesn't it?

-Oh, I'm not sure.

-But why aren't you sure?

Oh, Nicky, they'll find something.

-No, no, no, no, not here, they won't.

This trunk is-- is absolutely clean.

And we've washed the cold cream jar that-- that you hit

him with.

-I hit him with?

If you hadn't moved.

-Now, now, wait--

nobody knows that Roger was in the theater last night.

Nobody even knows he left home.

-How do you know that?

He knew already about us when he came here last night.

He must have been talking to someone.

And I bet I know who.

That nasty little Miss Dudley.

-Oh, that child?

Don't be absurd.

Besides, I can handle Miss Dudley.

-You try that, just once, and I'll have your guts for

garters.

-Oh, Lily, please.

-Nicky darling, won't an autopsy give a clue as to what

we did with Roger's body after he was dead?

-Well, I'm not sure.

I really don't know.

-Well, why don't you know?

If you'd taken that part in the Agatha Christie play like

I told you to, you would know these things.

-You know perfectly well why I didn't take that rubbish.

Ha!

-What, "ha"?

-False face must hide what the false heart doth know.

-Huh?

[horns honking]

[music playing]

-Ah, Mr. Durk, sir.

Spot of tea this afternoon?

-My guest is rather hungry, George.

I've been hauling him about sightseeing.

I'm afraid he hasn't had much time to eat.

-Would you care to sit here?

-When you said club, I thought you meant a country club or a

health club.

-Hm.

Bit stuffy, I'm afraid.

Hasn't changed since Father's day.

-My father was an Elk once, until my mother stopped him.

-Ah, here we are.

Pitch in.

-That's for us?

-Yes.

-Oh.

-When you said tea, I was afraid we were going to get

nothing but those tiny sandwiches.

This is terrific.

-Why do you think we keep the ladies out, sir?

-Diver, what are you doing here?

-Oh, I left my assistant to finish up the job.

-This is Lieutenant Columbo, Los Angeles Police.

-Really?

Now there's a place with opportunity.

Well, 20 times the business I get here.

-Beg pardon?

STEWARD [OFFSCREEN]: Liverwurst, sir?

-Yes.

-Go on.

Go on, gentlemen.

I--

I'll just talk while you eat.

-Er, Diver is our pathologist.

-Oh.

Waiter, chop.

-Postmortem lividity, Mr. Durk.

There it was all over him.

There was your answer before I even made the first slice.

-Oh, you're the autopsy surgeon?

-Stilton cheese is particularly nice today, sir.

-Fine, thank you.

-As if you didn't know more about postmortems than I do,

Lieutenant.

All the opportunity.

Here, erm, these photos are still wet.

But just notice those purplish spots on the left thigh,

there.

-Oh, yes.

-Uh, do start.

Don't wait for us.

Get to the point, Diver.

You mean the body was moved?

-Oh, yes.

Some little time after death, I'd say.

-What time did he die?

-The abdomen, too.

Notice there, where the blood's settled?

Oh, anywhere from early evening to midnight.

I've brought the, erm, fluid samples.

I don't think they'll tell us much more.

-Then Sir Roger did not die by falling down a staircase.

-Oh, no.

No, he died somewhere else, and then he was

moved there later on.

Mm.

There are several bruises, almost as if

he'd been in a fight.

And a blow to the occipital region, causing that brain

hemorrhage there.

You agree, Lieutenant?

-Uh, oh, yes, it's murder all right.

-Extraordinary.

-Mm.

-Thank you.

-Yoo-hoo, Tanner.

Go on, go on.

-Well, this is a surprise.

I must say I didn't expect to see you here at this hour,

with your opening and everything tonight.

-This must be dreadful for you, Tanner.

-Thank you, Miss, and for you, too.

-For all of us.

Uh, Tanner, I didn't want to bring this up at this time,

but something's been bothering me.

My Sir Henry Irving, remember?

-Irving, sir?

-Yes, the other day, out on the terrace, I was showing it

to Sir Roger, Irving's own copy of "Macbeth."

-Of course.

-Yes, well, I left it here for Roger to have a look at.

-Mm, I didn't realize.

And you needed it before your performance tonight.

-Scarcely.

I do know my lines.

But that old book had Irving's own comments on every page.

And I got to thinking, when someone dies, there's always

all that legal nonsense.

You know, inventories, and sealing things up, and since

it is just about the most valuable thing I own--

-I quite understand, sir.

We won't let those stupid tax people even see it.

I'll slip it to you myself, and mum's the word.

-I'd, erm, I'd rather not go in, darling, if you don't

mind.

-Yes, I understand.

Shan't be a moment.

-That actor fellow, Frame.

That's odd.

I thought he had a play opening.

Hey, better stop that.

[clattering]

-You better leave that.

We don't want anything touched for a while.

Scotland Yard.

-Sir Roger's, huh?

-That's right.

-Sure pretty.

Well, Mr. Tanner says wash 'em, I'll wash 'em.

-Well, it's not very dirty anyhow.

Few spots, that's all.

Say, did you wash this car yesterday?

-I wash it every day.

You'd think it was his own blooming chariot.

-Murdered?

Oh, god, I--

I can't believe it.

-Yes, well, you see, the autopsy showed the, uh-- but

we won't go into those little details.

-No luck, darling.

Wasn't in the downstairs library.

Wasn't anywhere--

-Nick, this is Superintendent Durk.

He says someone murdered poor dear Roger.

-Good--

good heavens.

We'd no idea.

TANNER [OFFSCREEN]: Mr. Frame?

-Yes, Tanner.

Here.

-It's not upstairs, sir.

I've looked everywhere, even in Sir Roger's safe.

-What is this you're all looking for?

-Oh, nothing.

A book.

We were out for a drive, stopped by, that's all.

It's not important.

-Tanner, Mr. Durk--

-Now just one moment.

The Yard will decide what's important here.

A book, you say?

What sort of book?

-Well, it was a nice little volume.

I lent it to Roger one day last week.

Sir Henry Irving's own copy of "Macbeth." Had his own notes,

scribbled on every page.

-Really?

And now you say you can't find it?

-No.

Searched everywhere.

-Have you indeed?

-Did you hear that, Columbo?

-Yes, sir, I did.

I was just wondering, who is Irving?

-Heh, heh.

Excuse me, sir.

Sir Henry Irving, perhaps the greatest English actor who

ever lived.

-Well, one of them, let's say.

But I do suppose that little copy of "Macbeth" must be

worth all of 20,000 or 30,000 by now.

-Did you hear that, Columbo?

-But then, never mind.

I'm sure it'll turn up.

We have an 8 o'clock curtain, so, uh, please, call us if

there's anything we could do, Mr. Durk.

-My dear fellow, you already have.

You already have.

Well, simple deduction, I suppose.

Suppose there were a thief in the house.

Suppose that's what's Sir Roger heard, came down to

investigate.

-Would you excuse me for just one moment, sir?

Mr. Tanner?

-Yes, sir?

-Mr. Tanner, sir, could you tell me, was there any sort of

rain out here last night?

-Rain, sir?

No, we haven't had a drop all the week.

-Excuse me.

I say, you won't forget, will you?

-What?

-My ticket?

You won't forget my ticket for tonight?

-No, I'll leave it at the box office in my name.

[both laugh]

-Hook, line, and sinker.

[both laugh]

[attendees chatting]

[attendees chatting]

[attendees chatting]

-Lily, you divine little devil,

you were simply marvelous.

-Thank you.

-Lily, astounding.

Absolutely astounding.

-Oh, you are sweet.

-If only Roger could have seen it.

-Yes.

Ooh!

-Oh, sorry.

-Oh, it's you.

-I think I stepped on something and broke it.

Oh, no.

Oh!

I think this is somebody's necklace.

-[LAUGHING] Mine, silly.

I thought I'd found all the beads last night.

It was like this.

My wardrobe mistress made me another one this morning.

-Lillian.

-Oh, darling.

-Gorgeous thing.

Oh, you were fantastic, just fantastic.

-Oh, you are sweet.

-Excuse me, sir, just one moment.

-Sarah Bernhardt.

Our own divine Sarah.

-In other words, I want to-- this is just a little thing

that you broke last night during that little fight that

you had?

-That's right.

Oh, darling, did you really like it?

-You were incredible.

Of course I'm too young to have seen Sarah Bernhardt, but

I--

-Excuse me.

-What did you say, darling?

I didn't quite--

-Listen, before I forget, let me thank you for the tickets.

I have never been so shook.

I saw "Hamlet," but that was back in high school.

I mean, tonight when you stood there with that bloody dagger

in your hand, it was thrilling, wasn't it?

-Yes.

-Oh come on, you've had her long enough.

-Oh, yes, ma'am.

-Lily, love, what insight, what depth.

Oh!

You were delicious!

-Oh, darling, you are sweet.

-Come to the party.

-Yes, I will.

-Yes, yes, come tomorrow night.

-Ah, there you are.

Oh, so you liked it, huh?

-Better than any movie I've ever seen in my whole life.

I don't know what that fellow Irving had, but believe me,

the way you took that part--

-Oh, thanks so much.

Oh, thanks.

-I'll never forget it.

I was thrilled.

Brilliant.

-Bravo, Nick, Just bravo.

-Thanks for coming, thanks.

Oh, oh, oh, they haven't found that little book of mine, have

they?

-I don't think so, sir, no.

-Oh, you were simply marvelous tonight.

-Oh, thank you, love.

Good of you to come back.

-They seem to think there was a robber in

the house, I guess.

-Good lord.

Oh, oh.

Oh.

Thanks.

Uh, well, that would explain things, wouldn't it?

I--

I mean, uh, if old Sir Roger caught him in the act, then--

-No, sir, I don't think so, sir.

-Nicky, darling, you were simply marvelous.

-Thank you, my love.

Thank you.

You don't think so?

-No, no, I don't think so.

Because if he had killed Sir Roger and then moved the body

in order to make it look like an accident, I mean with all

those beautiful things around, why would he

just take one book?

Would you?

-Right on, Nicky Frame.

All hail Macbeth.

-Hah, hah!

-Magnificent.

-[laughs]

Good to see you.

-Good to see you.

-Look, we-- we've got to have a drink.

-Thank you, dear.

Thank you.

We did try, for Roger's sake.

This needs a damn good brush, Mary.

It's been trampled to death.

Oh, here you are again, Lieutenant.

What little snoop told you there was a fight in here?

Was she perhaps blonde?

-Oh, no, just some guy in overalls out there happened to

mention it.

-Oh, Nick and I always fight.

-Ma'am, I didn't mean to pry.

See, I was just asking about the rain--

-Lily, get your clothes off.

It's time to celebrate.

-Rain?

-Spots on the hood?

Huh?

Oh, the bonnet.

-Well, anyway, on this car, and it hasn't rained out there

for over a week.

-Ah, you think that Roger might have driven somewhere

else last night.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, look, Tanner would have noticed his leaving.

-Mr. Tanner says not, sir, so I got to wondering.

Well, anyway, of course, from what I hear, uh, your wife

might know Sir Roger better than you do, sir.

But at any rate, um--

-Come along, Nick darling, we're having a

simply smashing party.

-Yes, go on.

-No, I was just going to say that the, uh, the paper does

say that it sprinkled here in London a little last night.

-Uh-huh.

-But it must have rained in lots of

places, don't you think?

-That's exactly what Mr. Frame said, only I got to thinking.

Since you and Sir Roger were so close, well, maybe he just

might have come here to wish you luck in private or

something like that.

-But he didn't.

I don't know what your man in the overalls told you.

-Oh, nobody saw.

Of course, I haven't asked the stage doorman yet.

I can't seem to find him.

-Lieutenant, the last time I saw Sir Roger Haversham was

the day before yesterday.

-It was at the Dorchester for lunch.

Roger, Lily and I were discussing plans for an

American production of "Macbeth."

-That's if the critics like us, of course.

And after lunch, Nick and I came back here for rehearsal.

And Roger never interfered on those days.

But as for that childish little fight last night--

-Lily struck me.

-Well, he was making fatherly eyes at one of the

understudies.

-Lily is paranoid.

So I struck her back.

-In a not very nice place.

-She landed against this wall over here.

[chuckles]

Clumsy thing.

-So I picked up my bloody dagger, and I went at him--

[both laughing]

-Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize it was so late.

Didn't mean to stay so long.

-Oh, yes you did, Columbo.

You heard some silly gossip, I suppose, about Sir

Roger and my wife.

Yes, some vulgar American notion of a love triangle.

-No, sir, not at all.

-Yes, some nasty idea that poor old Roger must have been

lured into town last night by Macbeth himself, perhaps.

Play as rather suggestive of murder, I suppose, to

impressionable minds.

Lily, too bad he didn't come visiting at Christmas.

You could have got him tickets to the children's pantomime.

-Nicky, stop it.

-I'm terribly sorry, sir.

Believe me, I guess I did get carried

away by those questions.

But you see, I just--

I just have never seen anything like you.

Like that performance you both just gave.

-Thank you.

I didn't mean to be nasty, old boy.

No hard feelings.

-And you both must be exhausted.

I don't know how you do it.

-With innocent, loving hearts.

Good night, Lieutenant.

-Well, whatever it is, it sure must be most unusual.

Uh, the reason I say that is because you know, when my wife

and I try to remember what happened yesterday or the day

before, well, we don't agree on anything.

And you two, you not only agree, you use almost the

exact same words to tell about it.

Good night.

-Good night.

-After that performance we just gave.

Of all the nerve.

JOE [OFFSCREEN]: Hold it, hold it!

We can't have a leading lady opening her own door.

Oh, I just stepped out for a moment, sir, to get a little

sniff of the fresh air.

Oh, and I never heard such glorious remarks about an

opening night, sir.

Oh, and you too, Miss Stanhope.

You were an angel in the part.

If I heard it a thousand times, I heard it once.

The queen herself will be buying tickets.

Here-- ooh, oh, these doors, how they do go on.

Well, in you get.

Oh--

oh, sir, that's most especially gracious.

Thank you.

And you was marvelous, too.

That dagger and the blood and all, and holding up your hand

like a carnation and making the audience gasp.

Well, thank you both so much.

Good night, sir.

Good night, Miss Stanhope.

Good night.

-Where did he get that umbrella?

-Hm?

-A little engraving around the handle, just

like the one that--

don't you remember, Roger told us that Lady Astor had given

him this engraved umbre--

you took the umbrella last night.

-Yes, of course.

I put it in Roger's closet with his coat and hat, just

where it belonged.

-You sure you got the right one?

-Oh, Nick, yes, of course.

It was the only one there.

Umbrella, I mean, in my dressing room.

Except-- well, Joe did pick up some of own things earlier.

Oh, no!

-Oh.

-Hey, watch it, mate.

Why, Mr. Frame.

What a delight!

What are you--

I thought you'd gone home.

-I couldn't get away from the curb, Joe.

-Oh.

-Some of Lily's country cousins came by, stopped us.

Dear me, they've been talking forever.

-So you drop in for a pint of wallop, eh?

-Oh, what are you having?

-Well, it was bitter.

-I'm dying of thirst.

Uh, Bess, give us two of the same and put it on my card,

will you, love?

-Yes, sir, Mrs. Frame.

-Why, that's extremely gracious of you, Mr. Frame.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Very nice.

-Oh, you know, that things rather dangerous.

You're going to stab somebody with that, eh?

Oh, no, no.

-Let me put it in the stand over here.

-No, I'm--

I'm very careful with it, Mr. Frame.

Thank you.

-Oh.

Cheers, Joe.

-A-ha!

Not so rusty after all, huh?

-No, Mr. Frame.

-What do you say, Joe?

A penny a point?

-Penny a point?

Oh.

Well, you know, my rheumatiz.

-Well, rheumatism, eh?

Let's make it tuppence?

-Tuppence a throw, sir?

Well, going to be high finance.

I'm a bit out of balance, sir.

-[chuckles]

[laughs]

-Well, that cleans me.

Here.

-Why, thank you, Mr. Frame.

Thank you very much.

-Well, that's it, Joe.

I've really got to--

you're empty again.

-Oh, aye.

-Bess?

-Yes, Mr. Frame?

-Drinks all round, you hear me?

On me.

Drinks for the whole house.

-That's-- that's gracious of you, Mr. Frame.

Very gracious.

[starts engine]

-You have a minute, sir?

Excuse me.

-Don't touch me.

-Sorry.

Mr. Fenwick?

Stage doorman?

See, I was at the theater earlier, but I couldn't find

you around anyplace.

-I was there in my posted duty, as always.

-I wanted to ask you about yesterday, because you're the

only person who could have noticed anything yesterday.

My name is Columbo.

I know that doesn't mean anything around here.

I wish I could find my wallet.

I've got a friend over there at Scotland Yard, Mr. Durk,

he's chief of all the detectives there.

This is me, Columbo.

C-O-L-U-M-B-O.

-Police officer?

-Yes, sir.

-You want to ask me about yesterday?

-I do, sir, yes.

-Well, no.

Tomorrow.

And tomorrow and tomorrow.

-Did Mr. Haversham come to the theater yesterday?

Did he call or anything like that?

-If you happen to be referring to Sir Roger Haversham, for 20

years, I've been in his trusted employ, and never once

have I caught a glimpse of him on dress rehearsal day.

Oo, ee!

It's the shrapnel.

Sort of makes the trotters a bit wobbly.

-Are you sure about yesterday?

I know sometimes it's kind of hard to remember.

I mean, couldn't Sir Roger have maybe come to the

theater?

-Are you calling me a liar?

-No, sir.

-Saying I wasn't at my posted duty?

-No, sir.

-With Monty, I was, at El Alamein.

That's where I caught mine.

-Mr. Fenwick, could we maybe go to someplace more dry?

Someplace where we could sit and talk?

I mean, I don't have an umbrella either.

-You know some bleedin' josser nabbed it?

My brolly.

Right up there at the pub.

And you know, it's the young ones what does it.

The ones with the long hair.

As I was saying to Mr. Frame, there's no honor left in this

evil world.

-You were saying to who?

To Mister?

-Frame.

Mr. Nicholas Frame, the great actor.

Oh, a finer gentleman never breathed.

And you know, you know, he took the time to

buy a couple of pints.

He did.

And for all of them, too.

Right there in the public section.

-You mean Mr. Frame was just now in that same pub?

-Yes.

[doorbell rings]

-Miss Stanhope, Mr. Frame, come in.

-Tanner, I was afraid you'd gone off to bed.

-No, Mr. Durk thought it'd be better for me to stay in the

main house tonight.

-Oh, of course, of course.

We don't want any more robberies.

But you know, Tanner, I got to thinking.

We never looked in the sun room.

Roger was always putting things in that little mahogany

desk.

-Excuse me, sir, but Mr. Durk did say he didn't want

anything else touched.

-Oh, no, no, just have a look, that's all.

And if the Irving is there--

be right back, darling.

-Well, now that you're here, for heaven's sakes, find it.

NICHOLAS FRAME [OFFSCREEN]: I'm sorry, Tanner.

I apologize.

I just had to know.

You were right, Lily.

Still no Irving.

-[laughs]

Isn't that typical of my brainy husband?

Driving all this way out here, all this distance--

-Ha, ha, I'll crawl all the way back, hands and knees.

-I want a drink.

Tanner, do you suppose we could?

-Of course, madam.

NICHOLAS FRAME [OFFSCREEN]: No, it's too late.

Now come on, let's go.

-Nick, there's something I'd like to find here.

Something of Roger's that I always loved.

-I'm sorry, madam, but the police were rather explicit.

LILLIAN STANHOPE [OFFSCREEN]: Oh, oh, hang the police It's

just that silly old tweed hat he always wore.

You know the one with the feather in it?

I'd love to have it.

Nick, it must be in a closet somewhere.

-Uh--

[cough]

you want me to get it?

-Tanner, didn't he keep it in the closet?

TANNER [OFFSCREEN]: Yes, madam, it was kept in the--

-It does seem a bit ghoulish, dear, but--

-Yes, it's not there now, sir.

The Wax Museum picked it up this morning, along with his

cape and umbrella.

-Who?

-The Wax Museum.

They're using it, I'm told, in their new exhibit, alongside

your wax figures as Macbeth and Lady Macbeth.

I must say I thought it rather an honor for the late master

to be included.

-Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Well, Roger would be pleased.

-The Wax Museum?

The things some people will do to sell tickets.

And do you mean to say you let them walk out of here with--

-Actually, madam, it was the downstairs

maid who saw the gentlemen.

This was before Mr. Durk came, of course.

But I must say, I really saw nothing wrong about it.

-Oh, of course.

We must all be willing to share his

memory with the public.

-Yes, I'm--

I'm sorry, I--

I'm being selfish.

I think it's just lovely that now the whole world will be

able to see everything.

[tires squealing]

[car door closes]

[doorbell rings]

[doorbell rings]

[knocking]

-Oh dear.

-Hi, Mr. Tanner.

Look, I'm sure sorry if I got you out of bed, but at least

it doesn't look like you were asleep.

Do you mind if I come in?

-Seems to me you are in.

-Yeah, well, look, it's just a little thing that I wanted to

ask you about.

It's unimportant.

But well, it's about an umbrella.

-An umbrella?

Come with me.

-Smells like the Roman catacombs.

-A storeroom, I think.

I was here before.

They keep all the things for each exhibit in a big box.

-Jolly.

Just like a treasure hunt.

-If we don't get old Roger's umbrella back where it belongs

and get Joe's out of here--

-You don't have to rub it in.

It wasn't my fault.

[gasp]

Oh, Nicky, look.

Aren't they marvelous?

I've always wanted to be in a horror film.

-Well, you certainly qualify.

-Thanks.

-Oh!

Over here.

-[gasps]

-Sorry, Roger.

-Ah, here you are, sir.

Did Sergeant O'Keefe explain what this

American, erm, wanted?

-Yes, I got the message.

-Good.

Jones here is unlocking for us.

-Jones, you say?

Well, I hope we're not wasting his time.

-Uh, I just hope you don't think it's a

waste of time, sir.

Like I told your sergeant on the telephone, I know I

shouldn't be interfering like this--

-Nonsense.

You're our guest here.

I invited you on the case myself.

We're, uh, we're most fortunate to have your

assistance. -Thank you.

Thank you very much, sir. 'Cause, you see, it's been

bothering me.

Whoever arranged that little scene on the staircase must

have known that house pretty well, and Sir

Roger's habits, too.

JONES [OFFSCREEN]: gentlemen.

See, this is where Sir Roger will go, right next to the new

Macbeth there.

Will you come this way, gentlemen?

All our storage is downstairs.

SUPT DURK [OFFSCREEN]: When are you opening your exhibit?

-Oh, in a few days.

And now that his death is a murder, we'll

hurry it up, naturally.

You know, people do enjoy that sort of thing.

-Oh, yes, naturally.

-And over here--

-Bloody lifelike set of arms, there.

-Er, come over this way, because I think Sir Roger's

these things are in one of these baskets.

-I didn't think there was any harm, Mr. Durk, in letting

them have Sir Roger's clothes.

After all, he was famous for the way he dressed.

Oh, good heavens.

Look, look, look.

Oh, good heavens.

-That's not wax.

-[CHUCKLING] Oh--

oh, yes, sir.

We took it from a bust that was made last year.

It's not a bad likeness.

Oh, ah, yes, here we are.

Now then, exactly what is it you're looking for in here?

-The umbrella, sir.

-Oh, yes.

-You see, I have this theory that it might

be the wrong one.

Otherwise, why would the stage doorman's be stolen?

I mean, if the stage doorman's umbrella somehow got mixed up

with Sir Roger's--

-Quite, quite.

We would know exactly where Sir Roger went last night, if

indeed he went anywhere at all.

-Ah, here you are, sir.

-Oh, thank you.

-Mr. Tanner said that the maid might not have noticed the

difference when they took the stuff out.

Mr. Tanner, could you identify this?

-Oh, yes, yes, that's it, that's it.

Rosewood, you see?

That was a gift from Lady Astor years ago.

The--

yes, the engraving's a bit faded, and of course, I've had

the material changed, time and again.

-No, no, you're wrong.

You have to be wrong.

-It is Sir Roger's.

I recognize it myself.

-No, that's impossible.

Unless, of course, somebody--

Mr. Tanner, who else has been asking you about umbrellas?

Possibly just before I arrived at the house tonight.

-No one.

-Are you certain?

-Absolutely.

-Could have sworn--

on my way out to the house, my taxi was almost hit by one of

those English sports cars--

the same kind as Mr. Frame drives.

-We do have quite a number of English cars over here.

And I suppose you can find dangerous drivers anywhere.

-There's got to be an explanation.

Somebody feel a draft?

-A draft?

-I think I feel a draft.

Maybe there's a window open.

Maybe somebody got in here through a window.

Is this the only window?

-Oh, yes, sir, it's the only windows.

-Hmm.

SUPT.

DURK [OFFSCREEN]: So your bird has flown.

-Hmm.

What?

-Your little theory, Columbo.

Good Lord, look at the time.

-Wait, please.

There has to be an explanation.

-Oh, come, come, come, come.

Don't be so distressed.

At least it's been amusing chasing an American wild goose

for a change, eh?

Hm?

LILLIAN STANHOPE [OFFSCREEN]: "Astonishing," he says.

"One would never have guessed that this radiant ingenue of

years past could deliver such power as Lady Macbeth, almost

as though she were born for the part.

[both laughing]

NICHOLAS FRAME: Oh, what's that, the "Express"?

-Mm, I love him.

"And as for Mr. Nicholas Frame's surprisingly eloquent

interpretation of this Shakespearean tragedy, I think

it's the best--"

-Here, let's trade.

[both laugh]

-Ah, listen to this.

"Regretfully, though, Mr. Nicholas Frame's still

glorious voice was in charge of the evening--

charging in various noble

directions." -Aaahh!

I thought I'd hidden that one.

[both laugh]

-Coward.

-Well, one out of ten, you know.

That's not bad.

-[GIDDILY] Oh, I'm lovely.

I'm gorgeous.

I'm the greatest actress since Sarah Bernhardt.

Oh, darling, they actually liked us.

-Success, your majesty.

Stark raving success.

After all those years of miserable second leads.

-Now nothing can stop us, can it?

And no one will ever be able to prove that we were within

miles of Roger when--

[buzzer]

-Listen.

More cables and telegrams.

Go on, answer it, answer it!

[both laughing]

-Oooh!

-Tanner.

-Good morning, sir.

I hope I'm not too early.

Heh, excuse me.

I happened to notice the "Guardian" just reached the

newsstands.

I thought perhaps you'd like to glance at it.

-Oh, well, that's-- that's very thoughtful of you.

I--

-It is quite a rave, sir.

I'm delighted to read that up till now, you've only received

one, shall we say, inadequate notice.

-Oh, but that--

what's this?

-Croissants, sir.

-Nick, what is it?

Oh.

-Oh, good morning, madam.

I've brought you some croissants, fresh from that

nice little dairy on the corner of Beale Street.

I thought that after your trials last night the least I

could do was to serve you breakfast in bed.

-Tanner, what the devil--

-I'm afraid I won't be able to stay very long today.

When someone in my position suffers a tragic loss, madam,

one has to think to one's future employment.

-We already have a maid.

-Scarcely adequate for persons of your station, wouldn't you

say?

-Now, now see here.

-Tanner, was it you, by any chance, who happened to notice

my husband buying tickets to Covent Garden the other day

and told Sir Roger about it?

-Oh, very regrettable.

But, uh, loyalty to one's master.

-Filthy snoop.

NICHOLAS FRAME [OFFSCREEN]: told you

it wasn't Miss Dudley.

-Throw him out of here.

-Madam, please, please.

You know, Sir Roger was beginning to show signs of

distrust with regard to your amorous interest in him.

But be rest assured, both of you, that in your employ, my

loyalty will be doubly great.

I take it that's the kitchen in there?

-Nick!

-Wait.

Tanner.

-Yes?

-What else?

-Let me think.

-Oh, yes.

It might interest you to know that your concern about a

certain umbrella hasn't been mentioned to a single soul.

But I do hope that certain other umbrellas have been

properly disposed of in the river by now.

-Tanner, what sort of wages would you

expect, working for us?

-Oh, madam, don't let's talk about

that until after breakfast.

-Holmes, Sherlock Holmes, was, I suppose,

our most famous detective.

But I'm sure you noticed on your visit to our new file

section at the Yard why he wouldn't even

qualify these days.

No, no, our modern policemen--

-Those fish and chips are greasy, but they're sure good.

What were you saying, sir?

-Oh, special section.

Well, as you've only a couple of days here, I expect you'd

like to see how we handle some of our larger cases.

I think I can lay that on for you.

As a matter of fact, we had a very interesting case only--

-That's Big Ben, isn't it?

[clock chiming]

-Yes.

[clock chiming]

-Boy, that's terrific.

Thing that old, it's only a minute slow.

-Really.

We must put another penny on the governor.

-Did you get petrol?

-Yes, of course I got petrol.

-Now watch it, darling.

Take these.

-Is there any air in these tires?

-Oh.

Tie that tightly.

-Nicky, supposing you had a flat tire.

-Darling, of course there's air.

-Listen, we've got to hurry.

-I know, I know we do.

This deed I'll do before this purpose cools.

-Stop acting.

-Lily, did-- do we really have to do this?

-Nick, we've been through all that before.

What else can we do?

-Lily, if we get out there too early, the police

might still be there.

-That's what the bicycle is for, so that you can ride in

the back way, and no one will notice you.

-[LAUGHING] I haven't ridden a bicycle for ten years.

-You can't start practicing now.

-Oh.

-Besides--

Tanner says there won't be any police there because they

haven't started doing an inventory yet.

They have to wait for an expert from Oxford.

-Ah, yes.

What would we have done without Tanner, huh?

Good old faithful Tanner.

[laughs]

I knew him well.

-You're off again.

-Hey!

-Ah, there you are.

-Mr. Frame, is this your bicycle.

-Yes, I, uh, I had a flat up the road.

Farmer's fixing it for me, so I borrowed this from his kid

and came in the back way.

What have we got here?

-The books, sir.

I'm going to post them to our numbered box, as we arranged.

-I just want to have a look, that's all.

-No, sir, excuse me saying so, but I'm rather concerned about

removing any more books.

-Oh, ho, ho.

Oh, nonsense, Tanner.

We're all in this together now, aren't we?

Can't very well pay you suitable wages without the

wherewithal.

-I see.

And of course it would make it look more like a robbery,

wouldn't it?

After you, sir.

-Oh, get in there.

-Mr. Tanner?

Mr. Tanner, where are you, sir?

I've been trying to phone you from the house.

[screams]

-Echh.

-Lieutenant!

Lieutenant!

Good news, sir.

We found something pretty important.

-You did?

I knew you would, because I just--

I couldn't believe this stupid stuff in the newspaper.

-Your suitcase, sir.

Got it in the car.

Just in the nick of time, eh?

-Yeah.

Mr. O'Keefe--

-Well, we'd better get you to the airport very quick, sir.

-Tell me something.

Says here the butler did it.

Chief Superintendent Durk--

does he really believe that Mr. Tanner killed Sir Roger,

panicked, and then killed himself?

-Uh, there was some evidence.

I mean, the butler had quite a little cache of Sir Roger's

best books, including the Irving, stashed away beneath

the floorboards.

Must be worth close to half a million--

-I know, but--

-That's what the papers guess at.

What Durk really thinks?

Well, he's not much to live with today, I can tell you

that, sir.

-Mmm.

You know, I keep thinking to myself, if I'd stayed out of

his hair, if maybe I hadn't come up with my theory and

butted in--

-Oh, now, no, no, no.

No blame, sir.

No.

He told you so himself when he said goodbye.

It's not your fault there are no clues.

-And all we needed was one little one.

Like to where Sir Roger was that one night.

SGT O'KEEFE [OFFSCREEN]: Well, as I always say to the missus,

sir, a policeman's lot is not an happy one.

-Yeah.

You know, I bet I've read this thing a hundred--

didn't read that part.

That exhibit at the London Wax Museum is

opening this afternoon.

Would you take me?

Now we gotta call Mr. Durk, ask him to meet us there.

Oh, and I want to buy something-- an umbrella.

[applause]

LILLIAN STANHOPE [OFFSCREEN]: [LAUGHING]

All those sweet people.

They're just lovely people.

-My name is Jones, Miss Stanhope and Mr. Frame.

Perhaps you remember.

-Of course, of course.

We got your message, hurried over as quickly as we could.

-Aren't you a little late with the opening?

They'll break down the door.

-Oh, yes, a bit, but--

-Oh, look!

Drapes and everything.

-Oh, what's the idea, Jones?

You going to have a regular unveiling?

-Oh, yes, sir, in a manner of speaking.

-Yes, I thought it might be something like that, so on the

way over, I made some notes.

I'd be glad to say a few words.

-Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much, sir.

Er, excuse me.

SUPT.

DURK [OFFSCREEN]: They here yet, Jones?

-Yes, sir.

They just arrived.

-That's Mr. Durk's car, sir.

He's beaten us to it.

Good luck, Lieutenant.

-Where the devil is--

[knock]

-Columbo?

-Boy, a lot of people here.

-Why, Mr. Durk.

-Miss Stanhope, Mr. Frame.

-Oh, Lieutenant.

You're beginning to look exactly like a Londoner.

-Oh, you mean this?

No, no, no, ma'am, I just bought this.

You see, ever since I've been in London, I've been thinking

and thinking, what would be the best souvenir to bring

back to Los Angeles?

NICHOLAS FRAME [OFFSCREEN]: I thought you'd be on your way

back home by now.

COLUMBO [OFFSCREEN]: Right, but I sort

of missed the plane.

Anyway, it suddenly struck me--

an umbrella.

-Mr. Jones, did someone ask you to invite us here?

-What are those curtains doing there?

I thought we were going to get to see an exhibit.

-Jones?

-Oh, yes.

-Yes, I'm dying to see it, after all that silly business

we had modeling for it.

-There you are, sir.

Quite remarkable.

-Yes, it is.

-Oh, do I really look like that?

-Marvelous.

Let me tell you--

I don't want to repeat myself, but the other night, when I

saw that performance that you two--

-Durk, will you please explain what we're doing here?

-Why don't you ask the tour guide?

-Well, what about the other one.

Isn't Mr. Haversham ready?

JONES [OFFSCREEN]: Oh, yes, yes.

-I'm sure you want to see this, too.

It's part of the exhibit.

Look at that.

Boy, isn't that something?

'Course, I didn't know him the way you folks did.

I guess you were closer to him than anybody.

-[TEARFULLY] Poor Roger.

-Kind of shakes you, doesn't it?

Do you know, they have stuff in the Chamber of Horrors here

that actually makes my skin crawl?

-I think it's disgusting, putting him on display.

-Oh, listen, I know how you must feel.

And I sympathize with you.

But you know, somebody's been murdered, and you know what

they tell me?

They tell me folks around here, they kind of enjoy that

sort of thing.

You want to bet they hang up a figure of Mr. Tanner, too?

-Most people, Columbo, have frightful taste--

yourself included.

Now you'll have to excuse us.

Come along, Lily.

-Not just yet, sir.

-Well, if you think we're going to play some sort of

charade with this ridiculous--

-Gee, Mr. Frame, I'm always getting you angry.

I'm sorry about that.

It must be my accent or something.

But I wanted you here because I wanted you to

help me prove something.

Um, I think I'll get rid of this.

I don't think Mr. Tanner killed anybody, like the

newspapers are saying.

I think it was you.

-[laughs]

Oh, Lieutenant, just when I was beginning to like you.

-This is going to sound silly, but Sir Roger, he was killed

someplace else, and his body was moved later on.

And if I can only prove where it was that he drove that

night, prove who it was that he went to see, then

everything will start falling into place.

-Well, he did not come to see us.

Now how many times--

-No, sir, not to your dressing room in the theater.

It was to yours.

That's where the umbrellas come in.

I guess umbrellas are the kind of thing that I can

understand.

You know, I've been watching people to see what they do

with umbrellas when they come in out of the rain.

They close the umbrella, they give it a shake like this, and

they find someplace to lean it against.

But they never fasten this strap, because then it won't

dry properly.

-Fascinating.

COLUMBO [OFFSCREEN]: There's only one problem with that.

Sometimes things drop in.

Almost anything can drop in.

So I got to thinking, if maybe that's what's Sir Roger did

with his umbrella, and something dropped into it that

night, well, then maybe, um--

got these things here, somewhere.

Just give me a moment, would you?

[coughs loudly]

Oh, forgive me.

Amazing likeness, isn't it?

Where was I?

Oh, yes.

Um, ma'am, the other night I stepped on a pearl in your

dressing room.

I have some more just like it.

I got it from your costumer.

She says she makes them.

-Oh, yes.

-Well, maybe if the necklace was broken in the fight, like

you said--

-But--

but that--

that was Nicky and I.

-Uh, Jones, bring us that umbrella, would you?

JONES [OFFSCREEN]: Oh, yes.

Yes.

-Well, there's a chance, a pretty good chance, that if

the fight was with Sir Roger--

-No!

No, it wasn't!

-Well, there's no point speculating.

Mr. Jones.

Could we move back just a little, give

the gentleman room?

Mr. Jones, would you open the umbrella, sir?

-Why, it's the same.

Exactly the same.

-Well, ma'am?

Sir?

-Sir.

[laughs]

Sir.

[laughs]

Tomorrow.

[laughs maniacally]

Tomorrow and tomorrow.

-Nicky, stop it!

He put it there, can't you see?

Before we came.

He put it there.

-Er, Jones, has anybody but you touched that umbrella?

-No, sir.

I'll testify to that.

-Of recorded time--

-Then he must have done it when we weren't looking.

-[LAUGHING] And all our yesterdays--

-Oh, Nicky, please!

-Have lighted fools--

-He--

he was mad, don't you see?

NICHOLAS FRAME [OFFSCREEN]: Out, out.

-He didn't know what he was doing.

-I know he didn't.

-And Sir Roger, that was my fault.

-I understand.

-It was an accident.

I--

I swear it.

-Oh, Mr. Durk--

-Frets his hour upon the stage.

-Don't be too hard on Nicky.

Y-you must try to understand.

-Yes, well, uh, I think we can settle all this at the Yard.

Smythe, will you take over, eh?

-Very good, sir.

NICHOLAS FRAME [OFFSCREEN]: And fury.

[giggles]

Tomorrow and tomorrow--

-[sobs]

-Thank you, Mr. Jones.

And now I believe you can replace the umbrella and open

your doors.

-Anything for the Yard, Mr. Durk.

It's been very, erm, interesting.

-Ah, bit of luck, eh?

-Hm?

-How did you know that bead was in there?

-Oh, just the odds.

-The odds were very poor, and you know it.

Come now, you can do better than that.

Off the record, eh?

-Well, Mr. Durk, when you were maybe in the third or fourth

grade, and there was a pretty redheaded girl in the front

row and you couldn't get her attention, um--

-Well, go on.

-Just a little trick I learned.

[coughs]

Excuse me.

Throat.

Amazing likeness.

DURK [OFFSCREEN]: By Jove.

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