All language subtitles for Columbo S01E05 Dead Weight 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DD+2 0 H 264-playWEB (1)_track3_[eng]

[music playing]

[shaver buzzing]

[doorbell rings]

-Dutton?

-General Hollister.

-Come in.

You want a drink?

-No, no, thank you, sir.

I--

I don't have much time.

I would have called, but--

-But what?

-I didn't want to
risk a wiretap.

-A wiretap?

You sound paranoid, Colonel.

-No, General, just
being cautious.

-And the reason for
this caution?

-The word just came down
this morning--

special directive to all
of the section chiefs.

The Inspector General's
starting a full-scale

investigation of
arms contracts.

-I see.

You sure?

-Yes, sir.

-That's unfortunate.

But I suppose it would have
happened sooner or later.

-If they find out--

-They won't find out.

-General, if anyone digs deep
enough, they're bound to

discover that I've let your
construction company charge us

a fortune in cost overruns.

-You offered the standard
explanation--

unforeseen difficulties in
developing the arms system.

-It won't stand up, General.

When the IG sees your bargain
basement bids, he'll know I

let you practically steal
those contracts.

They'll indict both of us.

-As you say, Colonel,
you're the one that

accepted the bids.

You approved the overruns.

-With that much money involved,
they'll know we had

to be in it together.

I'm getting out.

-Oh?

-I'm leaving for
Geneva tonight.

If I may make a suggestion,
General, you

might do the same.

-I have a business to run.

Besides, I never believed
in a forced retreat.

-Well, maybe you can
bluff them, sir.

But I don't have your
reputation.

-You'll have less of a
reputation if you go AWOL.

It's an admission of guilt!

-They won't know
it for 30 days.

I just took my annual leave.

-It's a small world, Colonel.

They'll find you.

-No way, sir.

I'll manage to disappear.

-And, uh, if they do?

Just for the sake of argument.

-Naturally, I'd--

I'd keep your involvement
to myself.

I'd refuse to testify.

-Not even to shorten a jail
sentence for giving evidence?

-Believe me, sir.

There's nothing to
worry about.

They won't know where I am.

-How did you get here, Colonel?

Taxi?

-No, sir.

I drove.

Why?

-I've been thinking, you present
me with a problem.

-Problem?

-You assure me that my name
will never come into this.

That, uh, you will
be my protector.

I'm afraid I can't
take that risk.

[gun cocks]

[squawking seagulls]

-Did you see that?

-What?

-Uh, a man just shot someone.

-But where?

-Oh, over there.

There, see?

-I don't see anything.

-He just moved away
from the window.

-You've been out in
the sun too long.

-Mother, I'm telling you.

-Oh, it's a mirage.

-No.

No, we're going back.

-We're going, what?

-Which way is back?

Which way is-- ooh, ooh!

-What are you doing?

-I got it.

It's all right.

I'm all right.

I'm all right.

-You take this.

Yeah, I--

I got.

No, you-- you take this.

-But what will I do with it?

[music playing]

-Uh, Mr. Barnes!

-Here, let me give you a hand.

-Thank you, Mr. Barnes.

-The only thing I can say about
the way she handles a

boat, you certainly know
when she's docked.

Whiplash.

-If you hand me your raft
line, Mrs. Walters, I'll

secure your stern.

-I beg your pardon?

-I'll tie up your boat.

-Oh, oh, yes, yes,
of, uh, course.

Is this it?

-Yeah, that's it.

-Thank you.

[sighs]

Oh, I never thought
we'd make it.

-Neither did I.

-Couldn't do it, eh?

-What?

-Call the police.

I knew you'd come
to your senses.

They must have got
1,000 eyewitness

crank calls an hour.

What are you going to do?

-Oh, hello, operator.

Could I please have
the police?

I'd like to report a shooting.

Hello, is this the police?

Oh, uh, this is Mrs. Stewart.

Uh, I'm down at the--

the boat place.

And, um--

[police siren]

-Officer Sanchez.

-Oh.

-Mrs. Stewart?

-Uh, no, no.

I'm Mrs. Stewart.

That-- that's my mother,
Mrs. Walters.

-You reported a shooting?

-Yes, uh-huh.

-Yes?

-Oh, well, um, this man in a
bathrobe, um, uh, he-- he shot

another man uh, in--
in a uniform.

-What kind of uniform was it?

-Ooh, uh, tsk, I can't tell
the difference between an

usher and a mailman.

[chuckles]

Well, I mean, I can
tell them apart.

But not what they're
wearing, you know?

But, uh, well, but I'm--

I'm sure it was a military
uniform.

-Did you see anything, ma'am?

-Hm-mm.

My daughter is the one who
sees things, Officer.

Not me.

-You know, just because you
were looking in the other

direction--

-Aw, come on.

---doesn't mean that
I didn't see it.

-Um, where was the shooting,
Mrs. Stewart?

-Right over there.

See?

See that house over there?

-Are you sure?

-Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

-Do you know who lives
in that house?

-Uh, well, no.

Does it matter?

-I'd rather not say till we've
had a chance to investigate.

-Oh, yeah.

-May I have your address?

-She lives with me.

8090 Vale.

-May I have your phone?

-Oh, 985-4321.

-OK.

Thank you.

-Is that--

is that all?

-Well, for now.

If we need anything more,
you'll be contacted.

-Oh.

-Thank you.

-Um, 985-4321.

-Yes, ma'am.

-Come on.

-You know, I--

-Come on!

-On that shooting report,
Sergeant, the witness says it

occurred in General
Hollister's house.

SERGEANT ON RADIO: The
General Hollister?

-Yes, sir.

Uh, just doesn't seem right that
a slick-sleeve, like me,

would barge in and ask a man,
like General Hollister, if he

just shot somebody.

SERGEANT ON RADIO: I see
your point, Sanchez.

I'd better send over somebody
from Homicide.

Stand by, and I'll have him
there as soon as I can.

-Roger.

Sorry, sir.

-Huh?

For what?

-This spot's reserved.

-Oh, I see.

All right.

Uh, uh, who was it
reserved for?

-The police.

-Oh, I think I'm the one that
you're waiting for.

I'm, uh, Lieutenant-- um,
my name is Columbo, uh.

-Oh, sorry, Lieutenant.

Uh, I was expecting
official car.

-Oh, that's all right.

Uh, your name is Sanchez?

-Yes, sir.

-I see.

-That's General Hollister's
house right there.

-Did anyone come in or out
since you've been here?

-Two young fellas in cadet
uniforms went in a

little while ago.

That's their wagon over there.

-Ah, ha.

Is there another way
out of this house?

-By water.

The general's got a yacht in
the slip back of the house.

-I see.

All right, I'm going to go in
and speak to the general.

And while I'm doing that, I want
you to search the yacht.

-Uh, but, Lieutenant, I
don't have a warrant.

-Well, I'll ask the general
for permission.

If he doesn't give it, then
I'll get a warrant.

In the meantime, check it out.

Psst.

Pay particular attention
to the engines.

And if you find out anything,
let me know.

[doorbell rings]

-Uh, General Hollistser?

-Yes?

-I'm from the police, sir.

My name is, uh, Columbo--

Lieutenant Columbo.

-Hm.

Yes, Lieutenant?

-I'm terribly sorry to
disturb you, sir.

But we have this report,
uh, about a shooting.

-A shooting?

-Yes, sir.

In this house.

-That's quite an opening
line, Lieutenant.

-Sir, I'm sure it's just
a crackpot complaint.

But, uh, I, uh--

-But it's your job
to follow it up.

-Yes, sir.

-I understand that.

I've had to do many unpleasant
things myself

in the line of duty.

But may I ask, this
alleged shooting--

just who was supposed
to have shot whom?

-Well, you see, sir, we don't
know exactly, only that the,

uh, victim was wearing some
kind of a uniform.

-A uniform?

Well, come in.

These young men are from my alma
mater, Lieutenant, MMI.

They're here to take away my
military souvenirs for, uh,

permanent enshrinement
in the memorial hall.

[hammering]

-As a matter of fact,
Lieutenant, MMI is giving me a

testimonial dinner tonight.

[hammering]

-They are commemorating the
20th anniversary of my

retirement and the opening
of the Hollister Exhibit.

-Yes, General.

Do you think I could,
uh, look inside?

-Lieutenant, uh, wouldn't that
be a little obvious?

-Well, I want to be in a
position, sir, where I can

tell my superiors that I've
checked everything out.

Uh--

-They've already started
nailing it shut.

-Uh, it's-- it's just
two nails, sir.

-Very well.

Gentlemen, I have a friend here
who would like to inspect

the contents of the crate.

Would you open it
again, please?

-Yes, sir.

-Wow!

Lot of guns!

-[chuckles]

War trophies, Lieutenant, uh,
AK-47 assault rifle, PPSh-41

drum, PPSh-41 clip.

All Soviet made, and as you've
observed, all with their

firing pins removed.

-I see they're very--

very interesting, General.

Uh--

-War mementos, Lieutenant.

Uh, lively memories,
empty uniforms.

Uh, all carefully packed,
Lieutenant, for the exhibit.

-Oh, oh, yes, uh, of course.

I'm sorry, sir.

Uh, could--

just put these back
in here, then.

Here we are.

I, uh, I think that,
uh, it's fine.

Thank you very much, sir.

-Carry on, gentlemen.

Could I offer you something?

-Oh, no.

Thank you very much, sir, no.

Say, you got a beautiful
place here.

It's, uh--

-Thank you.

---roomy, and it's homey.

And--

[hammering]

---that's a fireplace.

Wow!

Well, you know, when I was a
kid, we used to have those

fake wooden kinds.

I don't know if you remember
them or not, General.

They had a fan in the back.

And they had a red light
and ribbons.

And you turn on a fan, and
them ribbons, they would

flutter there.

Yeah, they were terrific.

Eh, that's funny.

-What's funny?

-Don't you have those,
uh, irons?

You know, like you put in the
fireplace to put the, uh--

-Oh, uh, andirons.

-Andirons, yeah.

-No, no.

I never got a fire in there.

It's too much trouble.

Easier to turn up
the thermostat.

-Nice.

Uh--

-Oh, uh, for show.

-Oh, the wood is for show?

-Hm-mm, hm-mm.

Uh, Lieutenant, I've been
thinking, the person who

turned in that report
was right.

There was someone
here in uniform.

Me.

While I was packing, I couldn't
resist to try on the

old harness, you know.

I'm glad to be able to
tell you that I can

still get into it.

[thumps]

-But, you know, the
report said there

was another man here.

And he was dressed
in a bathrobe.

-Whoever filed that report
was seeing double.

Yes, I was wearing a bathrobe
while I was packing.

-Got a match?

-A match, uh.

There you are.

-Thank you.

Hey, that quite a lighter.

-One of a kind.

-Yeah, that's something.

[coughs]

Didn't you say that you were
going to send all your stuff

over to the exhibit?

-Not quite everything,
Lieutenant.

Uh, this has a very personal
meaning for me.

It's a gift from my staff
on the day that I

retired from service.

-Yeah.

Uh, General, do you mind
if I looked around?

-No, by all means,
help yourself.

Not much to see here.

Just a basic BOQ.

I guess that's why I like it.

-Are there any servants?

-Just a housekeeper.

Comes in twice a week.

-Good night, General.

-Oh, let me get the door.

Careful.

Good night.

Lieutenant?

The bedrooms are this way.

Guest bedroom, Lieutenant.

Master bedroom.

-Ah, General, have you
been here all day?

-No, I was out in my boat
till about 2:00.

-You didn't go out
after that, sir?

-No.

I was here packing,
getting ready for

the testimonial dinner.

-Do you mind if I look
in your closet?

-No.

By all means, be thorough,
Lieutenant.

Extra uniforms.

-General, that's a lot
of fruit salad.

-Past history.

All to be donated, Lieutenant.

Well, you've had the tour.

Anything else I can
do for you?

-No, I guess that's it.

Uh, unless--

---unless what?

-Well, as long as I'm here,
uh, do you happen to own a

gun, General?

A handgun?

-A hand--oh, no, I--

yes, yes, I do.

A target pistol!

[chuckles]

It's a funny thing.

I never think of
it as a weapon.

.22-caliber, High Standard,
Supermatic Trophy Model.

There you are.

-I see.

-Hm?

-Hm.

What's that medal for?

-Oh, [chuckles]

that's a first with the United
States Marine Pistol Team.

You know, Lieutenant, uh, I had
this out earlier today.

I was thinking of giving it
over to the exhibition,

although it's never had
anything to do with my

military career.

I was, uh, uh, oh, yes!

Yes, I remember now.

I stumbled over the crate as
I was looking at the gun.

Oh, that must have been
what your witness saw.

-Of course.

-Oh, well.

[chuckles]

There we are, ha?

There we are.

Ooh.

[chuckles]

I doubt if I could--

if I could win any
medals today.

I've been so busy for months,
I haven't had

any chance to practice.

You, uh, here, see
for yourself.

-Well, I'm not a ballistics
expert, sir, uh.

-Well, take it along with you.

Have your people check it out.

-No, I don't think that would
be necessary, sir.

Uh, I think I'm on a
wild goose chase.

-[chuckles]

-Matter of fact, uh, I don't
think there's much else I can,

uh, look for, General.

Uh, I think I'll be
running along.

-Uh, before you go, Lieutenant,
uh, just who, uh,

who reported this "murder"?

-No, I never said it
was murder, sir.

-Well, this alleged shooting,
uh, who turned in the report?

-Oh, I'm afraid I can't
tell you that, sir.

-Oh, oh.

-No, sir.

That's against regulations,
sir.

-Oh, yes, of course.

Well, there's one
thing for sure.

That, uh, whoever it was,
it had to be some--

some guy out here in a
boat in a marina--

-Well, General, I'd
like to keep the

record straight on that.

Now, I never said that
it was a man.

-Oh, you mean it was a woman?

-Oh, no.

I never said that either, sir.

-Well, it doesn't make
any difference.

Mistakes have no gender.

-Well, that's for sure.

Ha, uh, well, I want to
apologize for taking up your

time.

-Please, don't give
it a thought.

-Good night, sir.

-Good night, Lieutenant.

-Oh, ah, one thing.

I almost forgot--

-Yes?

-Uh, your boat--

-What about it?

-I had the boat checked out,
sir, while we were talking.

I didn't think you had anything
to hide, sir.

And I just thought it would
save some time.

-I always preached initiative
to my men.

So I don't see how
I can object now.

And you're right.

You did save time.

-Thank you, sir.

-Thank you, Lieutenant.

-Good night.

-Good night.

-Oh, General.

Enjoy your dinner.

-Oh.

Well, thank you, Lieutenant.

-Didn't find a thing.

-The engines?

-They were cold.

-Uh, this Mrs. Stewart, did she
look like she could have

been doing any drinking?

-Could have been.

I don't really know.

-I guess we both got a lot
of paperwork to do, ha?

[car engine revs]

[footsteps]

-Here, Joey, gas up number
2, will you?

-Mr. Barnes!

-Hi, General.

-Hi.

How are you?

Uh, Mr. Barnes, a couple of
hours ago, out on the marina,

somebody waved at me.

I think it was an old friend.

You got any idea who
it could have been?

-Was it one of my boats?

-I think it might
have been, yeah.

You might have it there
on the record.

-It's probably Mrs. Stewart
and her mother.

-Mrs. Stewart, that's it.

Do you know where she lives?

I'd like to have a few
words with her.

-Yeah, sure.

I got it right here.

-Good.

-Hey, General, you're not
going to go sailing

with her, are you?

-Why?

-Ah, she's the worst-- man,
woman, or child--

she can't sail!

I couldn't--

-Really?

---take my eyes off her.

I thought that she was going
to keel over any minute.

-Well, I'll watch
it, Mr. Barnes.

Thanks for your good thought.

-Here you go.

-Thank you.

Thank you very much.

[group laughing]

[knocking]

-Just a minute.

-Uh, Mrs. Stewart?

-Yes.

-Lieutenant Columbo from the
police, about the report you

made of the shooting?

-Oh, yes, come in.

-Who is it, Helen?

-It's the police, Mother.

Um, we're just having a, uh, um,
a before-dinner cocktail.

Would you, um, uh--

-No, that's all right.

-Ask for his identification.

-Oh, Mother.

Uh, I'm sorry, Lieutenant.

-That's all right.

That's all right.

She's entitled to that.

You must be Mrs.--

-Mrs. Walters.

-Right.

- --Walters.

-Here you are, ma'am.

-You sure don't look
like a policeman.

I have to make a salad.

-Here you are.

-Thank you.

-Mother is the eternal
optimist.

She's always hoping
for the worst.

[chuckles]

Well, Lieutenant,
uh, what, uh--

-What is that?

Do you mind?

-Would you like to see it?

-Oh, I'd like to very much.

-Well, it's-- it's
not finished yet.

When it's done, it's-- it's
going to be a bowl, you know?

Like the plants and things.

Um, or-- or maybe it's going to
be an Indian water pitcher.

I haven't really made up my mind
yet, creatively speaking.

-Well, this work is very,
very interesting.

-Well, they say it's important
to work with your hands.

-It's very good therapy,
and she needs it.

-I'm just a mass of therapeutic
studies lately--

sailing, art classes, I even
went back to work.

-What do you do?

-I work with children
and animals.

-Well, it's, uh--

that's constructive.

-Oh, you see that?

That's a reflection of my job.

Oh, you don't know what
it is, do you?

-Uh, no, I don't know what it
is, but it's very nice.

-Well, it's a South
American llama.

We have them at the Ark Park.

-At the-- where?

-The Ark Park.

That's where I work with the
children and the animals.

-Oh, I see.

Well, so this fellow here
is a llama, ha?

-Well, you see, I try and go
beyond the surface, you know?

To find, um, a deeper meaning,
uh, a truer reality.

Uh, at least, that's
what I think I do.

[chuckles]

-Mrs. Stewart, I'm going to
get right to the point.

You know, I couldn't find any
evidence of any shooting in

that house that you
pointed out.

I mean, there was no gun.

There was no victim.

There was nothing.

Just a house, a fellow
live in it.

-Well, uh, I know what I saw.

-Maybe you think you saw.

-What does that mean?

-The fellow that owns
that house is a

retired Marine general.

He says that if you saw him in
the window-- one, he was

alone; two, he was wearing
a bathrobe.

-What about the man
in uniform?

-Well, he says that, later on,
he did try on an old uniform.

And he was carrying a target
pistol at the time.

He says he happened
to trip over a

crate that he was packing.

Now, to you, does, uh, does that
sound like a reasonable

explanation?

-Oh, very reasonable.

But it's not what I saw.

-Uh-huh.

I see.

Ah, did you ever wear glasses?

-No, I don't wear glasses.

I have perfect vision.

No, I have better than
perfect vision.

-Hm-mm.

Look, uh, I don't want you to
get offended at what I'm going

to say now, but, uh, were
you doing a little

drinking this afternoon?

Uh--

-Oh!

Oh, Lieutenant, this
is really too much.

I mean, that police officer
this afternoon and then my

mother and, now, you--

I am not hallucinating!

-Now, look, I'm just trying to
reconcile the two stories.

-Lieutenant, I saw two men--
one in a bathrobe and the

other one in a uniform.

And the one in the bathrobe
shot the other man.

Now, that is the simple truth.

The sane and the sober
and the simple truth.

Now, do you believe me?

-Mrs. Stewart, a murder
charge is about as

serious as you can get.

-Now, Lieutenant, I didn't
ask you if it

was a serious charge.

I asked you if you believe me.

-You always did have a weird
imagination, even as a child.

Those imaginary playmates,
all those games.

You never wanted to
face reality.

-Mother, to some people, that
would have meant that I had a

creative and imaginative mind.

[knocking]

-I'll get it.

Can't a person sit down and have
a bite to eat in peace?

Yes?

-Mrs. Stewart?

-Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'll--

I'll call her for you.

Helen, darling, there's a
gentleman here to see you.

-Me?

-Yes, yes.

-Yes?

-You are Mrs. Stewart?

-You seem surprised.

-Well, uh, pleasantly,
I assure you.

-What can I do for you?

-You can watch the 11 o'clock
news on television tonight.

-What?

-Apparently, I need a
character reference.

-Uh, I'm afraid I don't
understand.

-You don't recognize me?

-[chuckles]

No.

Should I?

You said that you saw me
shoot somebody today.

No, no.

You have nothing to fear
from me, Mrs. Stewart.

But if you'll watch the late
news tonight, I'm sure you'll

agree that, uh, you've miscast
me as a murderer.

-Earlier this evening, General
Martin J. Hollister was

honored by his alma mater, the
Marine Military Institute.

At the banquet tonight, MMI
dedicated the Hollister

Exhibit in their
memorial hall.

The general, thereby, joining
other select alumni who have

distinguished themselves in the
defense of their country.

General Hollister was given
a standing ovation.

If any man, in recent memory,
may be said to have had

charisma, certainly
that man was

General Martin J. Hollister.

Early on in the Korean War,
as a colonel commanding a

regiment of armored cavalry,
Hollister captured the

imagination of the
American people.

His courage, his brilliance in
improvising in the heat of

battle, his colorful garb,
riding britches, boots, and

pearl-handled Colt .45, soon
earned him the nickname, The

Iron Horsemen.

Later, as a brigadier general
with his own division, he

distinguished himself by a
daring end run in which, out

of ammunition and using only
his famous pistol and a

monumental bluff, he succeeded
in capturing the opposing

enemy commander and his
entire headquarters.

Finally, a landmine accomplished
what nothing else

could, put General
Hollister out of

action with severe wounds--

wounds that necessitated his
untimely retirement from

active duty as one of the
youngest major general in this

nation's military history.

On the foreign scene, the
Secretary of State, again,

reiterated the United States'
determination to keep current

troop levels in Europe stable.

In reply to sharp Senate--

-You still think a man like that
could shoot someone for

no reason at all?

He's practically on
Mount Rushmore.

You didn't even recognize
him when he came here.

-Well, I was in a
state of shock.

I mean, I didn't expect him to
show up on our doorstep.

-Why don't you just admit
that you're not sure?

-Because I am sure.

-Yeah, well, you were
sure when you were

married to Tom, too.

Do you remember that?

You had him running out with
every woman in town.

No wonder he asked you
for a divorce.

-Those were not mirages,
Mother.

Those were flesh-and-blood
ladies he

was carrying on with.

He even admitted it.

-Your pot's overcooking.

-That is not a pot!

It's a crock!

Oh, ah.

Tsk.

-General Hollister, colorful
character.

Reminds me of General Patton,
Old Blood and Guts.

Hey, how about a game of pool
before we call it a night,

Lieutenant?

-No, thanks, Bert.

Not tonight.

I got to get up early.

-Got something special
going on?

-Uh, yeah.

I think I'm going to do
a little fishing.

-Hey!

All right.

If you catch something
good, bring it in.

I'll give you a bowl
of chili, free.

Hey!

-Come on, General, just--
just one more drink, ha?

-One more--

-Look, it's 4 o'clock
in the morning.

Go on home to your
wives, gentlemen.

-Let's go out for
one more drink.

-Look, I always make it a rule
to be in bed before reveille.

Go home.

Good night, gentlemen.

[boat engine starting]

-Ahoy, Lieutenant!

You're an early bird.

-Oh, yes, sir.

-Be right with you.

-Yeah.

I'm just, uh, combining a little
business with pleasure.

-At this hour?

-Well, George, my
brother-in-law, George--

-Yeah?

-Oh, you don't know him.

But at any rate, he's a
fantastic fisherman, this man.

And he told me the-- the best
time to catch anything is

right about now.

He says, get there before
everybody, and you kind of

catch a fish off guard.

-Hm-mm.

Doesn't look like it worked.

-Not yet.

But I want to keep trying.

-Hm-mm.

I don't think you'll catch
anything big around here,

Lieutenant.

You're too close in.

-Oh?

Yeah, you know, you're
probably right.

General, there's something
I don't understand.

All the other fishing boats,
they were going out.

And your boat is
just coming in.

-Hm-mm.

-Why is that?

-I won a lot of battles,
Lieutenant.

And I've caught a lot of fish
by doing the unconventional

thing.

-Do you know that I have always
envied somebody with

talent?

-Hm-mm.

-I don't think you
can learn that.

You know, I think you're
born with that?

You know, inventors and
military strategists.

Now, I wish I had that because
that would be a terrific thing

in my work.

Do you know what I mean?

-Hm-mm.

Yes, I'm sure it would.

Yeah.

-Oh, General, uh, talking
about work.

Uh, there's a couple of loose
ends I'd like to tie up.

Nothing important,
you understand?

But, uh, I would like
to get them tied up.

-Fire away.

-Well, you know, I was, eh,
watching the news on

television last night-- those
film clips of you in action?

-Yes.

-Great stuff, really.

-Thank you.

-Yeah, it was just thrilling.

Um, but you know, General, I
happen to notice that you were

carrying a pearl-handled
pistol.

And, uh--

-Splendid weapon.

Single-action Colt .45.

-Yeah, I--

I remember that.

That was kind of like your
trademark, wasn't it?

Well, the thing is this, that,
uh, yesterday when I asked you

whether you owned any guns, you
showed me your souvenirs

and you showed me your target
pistol, which is all

very well and good.

But I was wondering, whatever
happened to that

pearl-handled revolver?

Because when I looked into the
crate, you know, I didn't see

it in there.

-I lost it, Lieutenant,
a long time ago.

When I was in the hospital in
Korea, somebody "liberated"

it, you know?

Wanted a souvenir.

Actually, I was, uh, I was
pretty pleased it was taken.

It was getting to be just too
much of a publicity gimmick.

-I see.

So the, uh, Hollister Exhibit is
going to have to do without

the famous Hollister gun?

-Uh, not exactly.

Uh, MMI wanted one for the
memorial, so they had a

duplicate made.

-I see.

Uh-huh.

-Now, uh, I've got to change.

So if there's anything else
I can do for you?

-No, that will be all, sir.

-Fine, fine.

Just a piece of advice, find
a different spot or use a

different bait.

Otherwise, you're not going to
catch anything, Lieutenant.

[bleating]

-Mrs. Stewart!

Mrs. Stewart?

Good afternoon.

Did you watch television
last night?

-Yes, I did.

Uh, how-- how did you find me?

-I went by your apartment.

Had a nice talk with
your mother.

Quite a lady.

-Isn't she?

-Hm-mm.

Yes, I understand that you are
through here in about an hour.

Do you suppose that you and
I could go somewhere--

or a public place, if
you're worried--

some place where we could
have a drink?

-Why?

-Well, you're breaking
the law.

-I, wha--

I don't think I understand.

-You're accusing, convicting,
and sentencing me without a

fair trial.

Now, would you say that
that's un-American?

Here's to your convictions
and my acquittal.

-Oh, I don't judge
you, General.

I just report what I saw.

-Uh, I'd like to suggest
the possibility

that you were deceived.

-Deceived by whom?

-By yourself.

And we all know the tricks that
the sun and the sea, even

your own eyes, can play
on you, you know?

Particularly after a long
day on the water.

Now, would you admit that
that's possible?

Just possible?

-Uh, well, I suppose so.

-The defense rests for today.

Now, and I think we have to
prosecute these martinis

before their statutes of
limitations expire.

Eh, your mother told me that,
uh, you were divorced.

-Yes.

-Well, I, uh, saw how
very, um, good you

were with those children.

Do you have any of your own?

-No.

Unfortunately, I--

I always wanted them, but, uh,
Tom, that is my ex, he didn't

want children.

Tsk.

We used to fight about
that a lot.

[chuckles]

-Well, uh, maybe you only lost
one battle, Mrs. Stewart, not

a whole war.

-Well, what about you?

Are you married?

-No, I never could
find the time.

First, there was my military
career, and then my

construction company.

I was marred to the business,
as they say.

-Well, uh, I can understand
that.

Do you ever regret it?

-Not really.

Well, there are exceptions, like
last night when the door

opened and I saw you.

-Oh, [chuckles]

Come on, General.

You don't think I'm so
insensitive as to not see

through that remark, do you?

-Now, what do you
mean by that?

-Well, yesterday, I
called the police.

And I--

I reported that I saw
you shoot a man.

And today, you're telling me
that when you saw me, music

filled your ears, and thunder
and lightning

fell out of the sky.

Oh, boy.

[chuckles]

-[chuckles]

You're right, you're right.

If, uh, I guess, if we
both see such a scene

in the movie, we'd--

we'd break up.

-[chuckles]

-I meant it, though.

And to prove that, I want
to take you to dinner.

Agreed?

-Uh.

-I'll take that for a yes.

[glasses clink]

-And if Helen had just closed
her eyes to some of Tom's

flirtations, they might
still be married.

-Oh, whatever happened to your
husband, Mrs. Walters?

-Who knows?

Sent him off for Chinese food
30 years ago, and I haven't

heard from since.

You know that I have raised that
girl since she was three

years old, single-handed?

-Mother?

-Mrs. Stewart.

-Hello, Lieutenant.

-Well, I hope you don't
expect to eat now.

-No, I already had dinner
at a lovely restaurant

overlooking the city.

It was just beautiful.

-Well, you might have called.

Did you dine alone?

-Ah, no, uh, not this time.

Well, as a matter of
fact, I had dinner

with General Hollister.

-General Hollister?

Well, what do you
know about that?

Are you going to
see him again?

-Well, he-- he asked me to
come out on his yacht.

[chuckles]

-Well, that calls for a drink.

You play your cards
right-- bourbon

today, champagne tomorrow.

-Makes you kind of wonder,
doesn't it?

About the general.

-What do you mean?

-Well, I didn't tell him
your name, you know?

And I didn't tell him
where you lived.

So, uh, he must have
gone up to a lot of

trouble to find you.

-Oh, curiosity about
his accuser.

-Yeah.

Could be that.

Of course, it could
be something else.

-Oh, thanks a lot, Lieutenant.

I mean, am I so uninteresting
that he couldn't be interested

in me for myself?

-Oh, no.

No, no.

No, I didn't mean that at all.

You're a very individual
person.

Now, what I was talking about
was the shooting.

You see, I had second thoughts
about the shooting.

You see, our traffic
people, they picked

up a couple of kids.

They were joyriding in
a car they hot wired.

And it turned out that this car

belonged to a Roger Dutton.

And he's a Marine colonel,
Mrs. Stewart.

And it could be that he
was the man you saw

in general's house.

-Tsk.

You know, you did a lot of
investigating for a man who--

who asked me if I wore glasses
or if I had been drinking.

-Well, that's just
part of the job.

Anyway, I found out that this
Colonel Dutton booked a

passage on an 8:00 PM

flight to Switzerland.

But then he never showed
up to take the plane.

-Well, I--

I still don't get
the connection.

-No, well, you see, this-- this
Colonel Dutton, he was in

the Marine Materiel Command.

Now, that's a-- he's a
procurement officer.

But he had a lot of dealings
with General Hollister.

And he suddenly took a leave.

And then he just disappeared.

Now, if you could identify the
officer in this photograph as

the man that General Hollister
shot, then I think a lot of

these pieces would
fall into place.

-I--

I can't be sure.

-Well, now, that photograph
is three years old.

-Well, I mean, it all
happened so quick, I

just can't be sure.

-I see.

Uh-huh.

OK.

Well, we haven't found
the body yet.

So why don't you
just keep that?

-Uh--

-And maybe it will come
back to you, yes?

All right.

Now, good night, Mrs. Walters.

Good night, Mrs. Stewart.

You know what strikes me?

You are the one that downgrades
yourself.

One dinner with General
Hollister, and you begin to

doubt your senses.

-Helen, you awake?

-Ah, I never knew how hard
fishing could be.

-Never tell that
to a fisherman.

-[chuckles]

-Look!

What do you see?

-The house.

-And in the window?

-[chuckles]

I can't see anything because of
the reflection of the sun

in the water.

-You know, you said that you
saw a shooting there about

this same time of day.

[glasses clink]

-Ooh.

Hmm.

-Dance?

-Uh, me?

No.

[chuckles]

-What?

-No, uh, I'm kind of a klutz.

Well, you know, my ex-husband,
Tom, you know, he was--

he was like a ballroom dancer.

I mean, he was so smooth.

It was like--

it was like he was ice-skating,
you know?

And then, I mean, I--

[sighs]

well, people used to smirk
and make jokes.

[chuckles]

Those were my plumper days.

My mother said, [laughs]

I looked like a radish.

[laughs]

-Come here.

-No.

-Come here.

That's an order.

[soft music playing]

[soft music playing]

[seagulls squawking]

-[screaming]

[boat horn blaring]

TV ANNOUNCER: This late
development has just come into

our newsroom.

Early this morning, the body
of a man surfaced in the

ocean, 1/2 mile off
Marago Cove.

The body has been identified
as that of Colonel Roger

Dutton of the United States
Marine Materiel Command.

The police report that Colonel
Dutton's whereabouts has been

in question for the
past two weeks.

We return you now to "The
Timothy Jones Show."

[boat horn blaring]

-Ahoy!

-Ahoy there, Lieutenant!

What's this?

Another fishing expedition?

-Well, not exactly.

Uh, just wanted to talk
to you, General.

-Oh, uh, I'm afraid I can't
right now, no time.

Uh, unless you want
to go along?

-A short scenic cruise?

-I, uh, am taking an
overnight haul.

I want to test the engines.

-OK.

-Uh, cast this line
off down here, and

then hop aboard, huh?

[boat motor starts]

-Gorgeous craft!

Must have cost a mint, huh?

-As they say, Lieutenant, if
you have to ask, you can't

afford it.

-Right.

You know, the biggest
thing I've ever been

on before is a rowboat.

-Lieutenant, you didn't come all
the way out here just to

talk about life on
the high seas.

-Ha?

Oh, no.

No, I--

I was wondering, General, have
you heard about that body that

they found off Marago Cove?

-Oh, Colonel Dutton, yeah.

I just heard about it, just
came on the radio.

-That is shocking.

-Any idea what happened?

-Yes, sir.

Somebody shot him, sir.

I guess they weighted him
down, and then they just

dumped him.

-Is that a fact?

-Yeah.

Now, I guess the sharks must
have cut through whatever was

holding him down.

-Well, this is all very
interesting, Lieutenant.

But why are you telling
me this?

-Well, sir, uh, to
protect you.

-Protect me?

-Yes, sir.

You see, um, I know that this is
ridiculous, but the fellas

down there at the department,
they are saying they've got

some kind of a pretty good
case against you.

-Oh?

-Yeah.

Of course, they're
way out of line.

I know that.

-Of course.

Of course.

-But, you know, they
have these ideas.

And, uh, it could
be embarrassing.

I tell you, I, uh, I kind
of hate to get into it.

I mean, you know, a man
of your stature--

-By all means, get into
it, Lieutenant.

-Yes, sir.

[boat motor roaring]

COLUMBO [OFFSCREEN]:
Well, take motive.

Your construction company got
a lot of contracts through

Colonel Dutton.

-So did hundreds of
other companies.

-Yeah, but it seems as though
he was being investigated by

the Inspector General.

And if he were killed, there
would be no way of proving a

conspiracy to defraud
the government.

-Well, if there's no one around,
perhaps that means it

doesn't exist.

-Right.

Right, that's a good point.

Uh, there's one other thing.

Uh, the morning after he
disappeared, you went out in

your yacht.

-Sheer coincidence.

-Yeah, it probably is.

But we do know that the body
was disposed of at sea.

Now, I've been studying
the tides, General.

Now, the coast-- the Geodetic
Survey's got a book on them.

And it shows that a body dumped
off the marina in the

ocean, might carry down
to Marago Cove.

-"Might," Lieutenant.

"Might." Sheer speculation.

Lieutenant, you should tell your
colleagues that they have

yet to show any link between
Colonel Dutton and myself--

something that would
prove that we

actually met on that day.

-Yes, sir.

Uh, you're right there.

But, uh, now that you mentioned
it, uh, it occurs to

me that the night that the
colonel disappeared, I did see

a car, like his, across the
street from your house.

-I don't know what kind of
a car the colonel drove.

But there must be thousands of
them in Southern California.

You didn't, uh, by any
chance, check the

registration at the time?

-Uh, no, sir.

No, sir, I didn't.

Uh, there's no reason to.

-Oh, now, that was unfortunate,
wasn't it?

-Uh, General, if you don't mind,
I'd like to go back now.

-Yes, as you wish.

Uh, I guess we're about
through with

this test run, ha?

[boat engine revs]

-You know, Lieutenant, I don't
see how a man with the name of

Columbo, shouldn't he be
more at home on a boat?

-Must have been another branch
of the family, sir.

How soon before we land?

-Not long.

-[groans]

You know, General, there
is a link between

you and Colonel Dutton.

-Really?

-Mrs. Stewart, an eyewitness
to the murder of a military

man in your house.

-Help the lady aboard.

-Oh, oh, Lieutenant,
would you, uh--

-Let me take the bag.

-Well, no, maybe you better--
could you just?

Yeah.

No, no.

Yeah.

-Can I take the bag?

-Yeah, I think so.

All right?

OK?

Oh.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It's all right there.

All right.

Are you all right?

-Me?

Fine.

Just fine, yes.

Uh, there's something
I wanted to talk to

you about, Mrs. Stewart.

Uh, we have just recovered a
body, a Colonel Dutton, the

man that I spoke to you about?

Somebody dumped him
in the ocean.

-He thinks I shot him.

-Well, what I think
is unimportant.

What counts is what you saw.

-Uh, well, uh, I didn't
see anything.

-Well, now, Mrs. Stewart, that's
not what you said.

-Well, no, it was
the-- the light.

Some crazy reflection.

-Yup.

-You told me that
you distinctly--

-I don't care what I said.

I was wrong.

Can't a person make a mistake?

-Look.

Maybe if I could talk
about this later on?

-I'm going to say the
same thing later

that I'm saying now.

So would you--

would you just please
leave me alone?

-If you ever want to go out
again, I'll be happy to take

you, Columbo.

-[exhales sharply]

-Hey, Lieutenant!

How goes it?

So-so, ha?

How about a bowl of chili?

-All right, give
me some chili.

-Ah, there you go.

Coming right up, Lieutenant.

Got the best in town,
you know?

-You've got a match?

-Sure.

Let me get this chili to you.

There you go.

Your crackers.

There you go.

Help yourself.

How do you like that coffee?

-What's this?

-Is that black?

-What is this?

-That's my helmet
from the war.

-What war?

-What war?

World War II.

My wife says, I can never
throw anything out.

So the other day she
put her foot down.

She says either junk
goes or she goes.

-You decided to keep her?

-It was a tough decision.

Anyway, I brought all my
war trophies over here.

Hey, wait a minute.

You're one guy that can
appreciate this.

I get you another
bowl of chili.

My chili is good
no matter what.

Here.

Yeah, I got this.

Now, look at this.

Like I say, the little-- the
Japanese stirring spoon.

I got it in Okinawa,
the commissary.

Yeah.

Oh, uh, you know, I guess
my wife is right.

I can't give anything away,
especially when it means

something to you.

Yeah, that's a long time
ago, Lieutenant.

-Bert, give me a dime.

BERT [OFFSCREEN]:
OK, Lieutenant.

There you go.

Let me give you that bowl of
chili I dropped on you.

Is that cream and sugar
in that coffee?

Mrs. Stewart, Lieutenant
Columbo.

Mrs. Stewart.

Listen, I appreciate very much
your coming down here and

meeting me.

-Just remember our agreement,
Lieutenant.

No questions and no trying to
get me to change my mind.

-Not one question.

Not even a half a question.

I only wanted you to
see the exhibit.

-Why?

-Look, in order to understand
a man, you have to

understand his past.

Quite a collection, hm?

See that book?

That's a "Marine Military
Manual." Do you know the story

behind that book?

-No, hm-mm.

Martin wanted to wait till the
first rush of tourists had

passed so that he could explain
everything to me

himself.

-Oh.

Gee, I guess, he wants
you to know what kind

of man he is, too.

About this book, there's
a bullet in that book.

The sniper tried to kill him.

And that book stopped
the bullet.

And you know he never
batted an eye?

I mean that--

that tells you something about
what kind of man he is.

-Yes.

That he's a man filled
with courage.

-More than a great deal.

I think he has an unusual amount
of courage, more than

you and I, more than
average people.

I mean, if it was me,
I would faint.

I mean, most people would
take time to recover.

But he didn't.

You see, I think he's a--

he's a very cool man
under pressure.

Hey, that's nice, isn't it?

Ain't that beautifully
cut, custom-tailored?

You know, I think it's
almost too nice?

I mean, all that concern
about clothes.

It's kind of vain,
don't you think?

-Some men, Lieutenant,
do not want to look

like an unmade bed.

-Just look at this stuff.

Look at that.

I mean, this man just had a
natural flair for attracting

attention to himself.

-Sometimes undesirable
attention, Lieutenant.

You don't seem surprised
to see me?

-Oh, I was kind of
expecting you.

I mean, when I spoke to Mrs.
Stewart, I had a hunch that

she'd tell you.

-I'd like to know what
this is all about.

-All right, sir, I'll
get right to point.

It has to do with that duplicate
of your gun.

-What about it?

-Well, I find it hard
to believe--

Mrs. Stewart, see if you
agree with me on this.

I find it hard to believe that
a man like General Hollister,

who saved and cherished every
war souvenir, even the

smallest photograph; I just
think it's strange that he was

so careless as to allow
his gun to be stolen.

I mean that pistol was the most
famous single symbol of

his whole legend.

You agree with me, don't you?

-Well, uh, I don't know what
you want me to say.

-Well, if it was me, if it was
my gun, I would take very good

care of that gun.

I'd have it in my apartment
where people could see it.

And I would keep it polished.

And I would keep it oiled.

And I would keep it loaded.

And when a certain Colonel
Dutton came to see me and

threatened to expose
me, that's the gun

that I would use.

-Well, if what you
say is true--

I mean, you searched.

Where is that gun?

-That's what I asked myself.

Where is the gun?

Why not on public display?

Why not in a glass case?

Why not in front of thousands
of people?

And after we found Colonel
Dutton's body, anybody else--

you, me--

anybody else would have gotten
rid of that gun.

We found the bullet
in the victim.

And the ballistics check
will match up the

bullet of the gun.

But somehow, General, something
told me that you

could never get rid
of that gun.

It meant too much to you.

You couldn't even part with
a cigarette lighter.

No, that pearl-handled
pistol was just too

tied up in your pride.

Because of your tremendous
belief in yourself, you

figured everyone would accept
your story about having a

duplicate made.

But there never was a duplicate
made, was there?

This, in fact, is the
murder weapon.

Isn't it, General?

-I assume ballistics has
checked out the gun.

-That won't be necessary.

-All right, Lieutenant.

-I'm sorry.

-Uh, what is it with
me, Lieutenant, ha?

I seem to have a special
talent, you know?

I mean, with--

with all the men in the
world, I always

seem to pick Mr. Wrong.

Uh, I'm seriously considering
locking myself in the closet

for the rest of my life.

-No, that's wrong.

That's just the way
my niece, Marilyn,

felt after her divorce.

Now, she's got a new husband.

As a matter of fact,
he's a cop.

And they got six kids.

-Oh, Lieutenant, I mean,
just between us, would

you tell me the truth?

Do you really have a niece?

-Well, what kind of a
question is that?

Do I really have a niece?

-Well, do you?

-Of course, I've got a niece.

My wife's sister's
girl, Cynthia.

[theme music]