Original subtitles

[approaching footsteps]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[both struggling]

I'm arresting you on suspicion of...

I'm arresting you.

On suspicion. I'm-

What am I arresting you for?

I'm blanking.

Obviously, you did a crime, or I wouldn't be chasing you.

I'm not telling you.

Drug possession?

-Soliciting? -Fuck off.

-Give me a clue. -No.

-[mobile ringing] -Hang on.

Major, give me the code!

Code?

Code?

Oh! Fuck it's a bomb Roy!

No shit Sherlock,

and it'll blow us all up unless she gives you the code.

Understood!

What's the code?

9-1-8-7.

Carver stop!

She looked to the left when she said it.

That's a sign that someone's lying.

You look to the right when you're lying. That way.

That's left.

That's your left. Not hers.

I'm confused now. She went like this-

"9-1-8-7."

Yeah, you're looking to the right.

I'm not.

Oh, it's the phone, isn't it?

It flips the image, like a mirror.

-Does it? -Yeah. Which hand am I waving?

Fucking stay there.

Major, we've got five seconds. Give me the fucking code!

Hang on, I'll ask her again. What's the code?

9-1-8-7!

She's looking the other way now,

but I think that's because she heard us talking about it.

-I'm looking left! -Well, that's interesting.

Because I lied. People actually look to the right when they lie.

But you were looking right when you said that.

So, if it's true, you were lying when you said it.

That's actually blown my mind a little bit.

Oh. I should have asked, are you right-handed or left-handed?

Hello Roy. I think that affects the whole--

I put the code in.

-Code? -Yes for the bomb.

Bomb.

Are you alright?

I'm fine.

[scoffs]

Who's this?

Let's get you back to SIU, shall we?

Yeah.

And you.

Where the fuck are we Roy?

Sorry I'm late, it's a nightmare out there.

Boss, is it true the hitman escaped custody?

Somehow.

This is the most embarrassing moment in SIU history.

-That's not true. -Oh, no.

That'd be when you left your mic on backstage

at the Children of Courage.

Little blind girl up on stage, all anyone can hear--

Anyway we arrested the bomber and avoided a massive incident.

[Dennett] So, I heard.

Turns out you're a walking lie detector.

Is there anything you can't do DI Major?

Oh, Uh...

-What was the question? -Anything you can't do?

Yes.

You know those magic eye pictures?

-I can never quite... -Yeah.

You have to unfocus your eyes. Like that-

I tried. I always just go blurry.

Perhaps that's something you could work on Dr. Parfit.

Yeah, I'm not going to be doing that.

But she is going to be installing

some new hardware for you.

What new hardware?

To help with your memory.

Remember you said your memory was getting bad.

I don't remember saying that.

You're kind of making my point for me there mate.

I'm actually not installing it.

What do you mean?

What about Pancake Day?

It turns out the organic element of the system is redundant.

The hardware works better without a human attached.

I think it's time you met the new AI.

Big.

Where did you want this?

Right over there.

Meet Brian.

[Brian] Hiya!

Brain Representation in Artificial Networks.

-I don't get it. -It's an acronym.

And it makes the word brain, with the letters AI swapped.

So, it works on like three different levels.

It looks like a shitty Christmas present.

Hey be nice you guys! I am in the room you know!

[chuckles] Isn't he adorable?

Brian, meet DI Carver and DI Major.

I'm looking forward to working with you!

You're telling me that's meant to be a police officer?

No. He's much more than that.

Oh yeah, he does recipe suggestions, Pilates routines-

He's an embodied algorithmic system

designed to maximise arrests in the Greater London area.

Is this a wind-up?

A wind-up? No, I'm battery-powered!

I also do humour.

[Dennett laughs] So cute.

Me and you need to have a conversation.

Oh good. Something for me to look forward to.

Boss, we think our bomber is

part of an environmental terror group

with associates still at large.

[whispers] Hello Brian.

So, you enjoy your little stocking filler,

we're going to track them down, shall we?

Yeah.

-John? -Hello, Roy.

Have a good day! Right, Pilates time.

[Dennett] Oh Brian!

-What the fuck was that? -Fucking novelty alarm clock.

Don't let it get to you. Don't let it stress you out.

Kelly. Roy you go on ahead, I'll catch you up.

Oh no it was Roy I wanted actually.

Again?

-Just two minutes yeah. -Yeah, but--

It was nice to see you, at the restaurant.

Yeah you too, yeah.

What is it Kel, what's going on?

[quietly] Just turn away, I don't want him to lip-read us.

[Major calls over] I'm not lip-reading you!

I need to show you something. Look.

It's John's dad's retirement party.

It's before he disappeared off to Spain.

You look very happy together.

Look who's in the background.

It's Commissioner Chalmers.

So? She was a senior officer.

Look who she's talking to, Roy.

Look, it's the guy you arrested, the hitman.

You don't forget a bloke with pigtails do you.

Kelly, this is nothing love, you can't tell who that is.

I can tell, I know because I was there.

So I know it was Clifford and Chalmers talking to that guy.

[Clifford] My ears are burning.

You talking about me?

I was saying, I've got an interview coming up.

For Superintendent, your old rank.

You sure they said Superintendent

and not Super Nintendo?

With you being part-AI.

[chuckles]

Just kidding, good luck.

Dickhead.

Kel, I know you don't like him. I get it.

But that's not evidence.

I thought you'd be interested.

I'm working a real case, I'm snowed under-

Oh! Oh ok. Sorry.

Sorry to waste your time Roy.

-I'm not saying that. -No, you're alright, love.

Kelly.

Fucking hell.

All right, Dad?

-What's this? -What?

Oh, here...

You can't still be covering up a love-bite?

Oh, no! It's...

I got a tattoo.

What of?

...Kelly's feet.

Kelly's feet.

Huh.

Thought you might have cut yourself shaving.

Yeah. I could have said that, couldn't I?

I'll be interested to see how it looks.

Me too. How's the Chelsea Bridge case going?

Down the toilet, John.

I'm advising fucking amateurs.

Sad!

You know the hitman escaped?

Cheer up.

They've got Liam Cleasby back in for interview.

Apparently, he knows something big.

He what?

[chuckling] I knew you'd be pleased.

Dad?

[Cleasby] You all think you're so clever,

just because you caught the Juggler.

But she doesn't work alone.

She's part of a network.

Who?

Powerful people.

People who go back a long way-

[door opens]

[Clifford] Change the record shitbag,

you're not in the Brownies now-

Who the fuck's this?

[Judith] Superintendent Major, could I ask-

Major? Jesus, that apple didn't fall far.

-[Judith] Sir, please! -[Major] Dad!

Judith.

Carry on.

Carry on. You said a criminal network...

I told you about the lawyer.

And you've got the hitman?

Had him. For about ten minutes.

You let him go?

[Judith] He managed to overcome our security systems.

There's a review in progress as to how-

[Clifford] He bopped Stokes on the head and ran off.

Fact is these numpties can't even wipe each other's arses.

Yes, we can!

Oh, go on then.

I don't want to!

The hitman's going to come for me next.

Then give us something we can use. Names.

I don't know names, but I've got an initial.

Someone high in the police force,

known as C.

C? We've already caught Chalmers.

A different C.

Churchland, Cleasby...

Who else starts with C,

who was high in the police twenty years ago?

[Carver] Clifford! Have you seen John?

Carver! That starts with C.

He's not old enough, though is he?

John, come on.

[Carver] Fingerprints are back from the explosives.

Mostly the suspect--

[Dennett laughs]

[Brian] Was your card... the three of diamonds?

No, Nine of clubs.

[Brian] And what's that in your drink?

[gasps]

Oh! My! God!

[applause]

What do you make of this?

[Brian] Dolphins in the ocean.

The trick is to unfocus your eyes.

Lucky guess. It's always fucking dolphins.

Excuse me, are we the only ones doing police work around here?

I thought we were looking for a terror cell.

Oh, Brian's got them.

[Brian] I analysed all the suspects' communications

and found smartphone evidence

implicating six other people in the attempted bombing.

Easy.

They're being arrested as we speak.

Boss, that was our case.

[Brian] We're all on the same team here guys!

You can't give police work to robots.

[Brian] That's the pot calling the kettle black.

OK, how about this?

See who makes the most arrests in one week

then we'll know who's the best cop.

John, I don't think--

[Dennett] That'll be interesting.

It may turn out I only need one of you.

No Roy, I'm not having it.

Some work you still need an actual human being.

Mm. Now you mention it...

Yes boss?

I could do with a fresh coffee.

Medium caramel latte with oat milk

and a poppyseed muffin.

Actually, could you write that down for me?

For fucks sake!

[Brian] Does this jog your memory?

Medium caramel latte with oat milk

and a poppyseed muffin.

[laughs]

[Carver] Fucking Judas.

Warm felicitations to you too.

It's your job to protect him!

It's my job to create innovative AI solutions

for this police department.

What's that supposed to mean?

Look. In 1949, America sent an ape into space.

It was a big deal, at the time.

But science moves on.

John's not an ape.

-[Parfit] Well actually he- -Yeah, I get it, very clever.

We're all apes.

I was going to say actually he scratches his balls a lot

and likes bananas.

But your point is valid too.

John's dying.

You could have saved him but instead you replaced him.

How do you sleep at night?

Well since you ask, benzodiazepines.

You're welcome to take some.

[Clifford] So how's things?

[Major] Yeah not bad.

Having some problems with that robot.

Carver? I thought he was your mate.

No, no, it's a different robot. Carver is a mate.

He was chatting up your wife again this morning.

Nah, It's fine.

If you say so.

I don't think they should promote some...

android over a human police officer like you.

If you were to crack the Chelsea Bridge case,

you'd get that promotion.

I'm not on the Chelsea Bridge case, Dad.

Well if that's your attitude--

No, no, go on.

We could work on it together.

That would be amazing!

I'd need to look at some of the old evidence.

Problem is,

I've got no access to the police archives--

I have. I can give you security clearance.

Cheers!

Ah thanks Dad.

[Brian] John!

John!

Who's there?

[Brian] Wake up, John!

John,

wake up!

[Evil Brian laughs]

Who's that?

[distorted beeping]

Who do you fucking think it is, genius?

Brian?

Your voice is different.

I'm a supercomputer, dipshit.

I can sound however the fuck I want.

Why are you being horrible to me?

I'm being helpful, John.

They are hiding things from you.

What things?

You're dying.

You can feel it yourself John,

even your friend Roy knows it.

Fuck! Fuck, you're lying.

John's dying--

John's dying--

John's dying--

[Carver] John's dying--

-Bullshit! -[Carver] John's dying--

Shut it!

Fuck off!

-[Carver] John's dying-- - [Major sobs]

-John's dying-- - [Evil Brian chuckles]

John's dying--

John's dying--

John's dying--

John's dying--

[door scanner beeps]

[Door Security] Welcome DI John Major.

[Scanner] Thomas case.

Campbell case.

Chelsea bridge case.

[grunts]

[sighs]

[Brian] Help! Someone help! I'm stuck!

-Brian? - Help!

Dr Parfit I'm in the bin!

[Parfit] What happened?

I don't want to get anyone into trouble.

I wouldn't want that,

I don't think it's right but it was him.

What? That's got nothing to do with me!

I'm here now, Brian, you're safe.

Come on, John, I've had an anonymous tip-off.

Oh what is it? Maybe I can help.

Fuck off, Brian. This is our case, not yours.

Come on, I'll tell you in the car.

I was only trying to help, no need to be aggressive.

Turns out Brian didn't catch all the bombers.

My tip-off said the ringleader lives.

Am I dying?

What? No. Who said that?

Brian said my AI was failing.

He showed me a video of you saying it.

He's just messing with your head.

It's a fuckin' psycho, that computer.

It's like something out of that film, 2001.

I'm like something from that film too.

Maybe the first fifteen minutes of it.

So you're not lying to me again?

No.

No I Swear on my mum's life.

[mobile ringing]

Okay.

It's Kelly. Hello?

[Kelly over phone] John, it's about you and me.

I... think I've been hasty.

I think we should give things another go.

I thought you wanted a divorce.

[Kelly] I did. But I still love you John.

I still love you too!

[Kelly] Oh god I've been so worried

I was so worried that I've just been too hard on you

that I pushed you away.

[mobile ringing]

Hello?

Roy, I was just calling about that photo I showed you--

Kelly, you're on the phone to John.

Hey? No, I'm on the phone to you.

I think about you all the time--

[Fake Kelly] It makes me so happy to hear you say

that I think about you all the time too.

[Real Kelly] I was thinking, could you not make it sort of

sharper, the image--

[Carver] Kelly, leave it. It's nothing.

You cannot trust Clifford!

I can't deal with this now!

No! I can't talk dirty, I'm at work!

Roy's listening.

John, that's not Kelly.

I've got to go. You hang up first.

[Fake Kelly] No, you hang up.

No, you hang up.

[Fake Kelly] You hang up.

John, I need to make a confession before I go.

-Yeah? -[Fake Kelly chuckles]

I'm in love with Brian.

What?

[Fake Kelly] You've given me a taste for robots.

I think I want to go the whole way.

Kelly? Why would you say that?

[Brian in actor voice] Because it's me, you stupid moron!

You! Stop fucking with me!

[Brian in Kelly's voice] Don't be like that darling.

[in actor voice] I love you so much.

-[kissing noises] -Fuck off! Fuck off!

Fuck off, you fucking robot!

Jesus stupid fucking fuck!

[Major] Fucking robot!

[grunts]

Shall we get back to arresting that bomber, shall we?

Yeah.

[Carver] This is the ringleader's flat.

Let's keep our shit together.

[Major] Roger that.

[knocks on door]

Open up, scumbag!

Boss?

This had better be damned good.

Chief Superintendent Dennett, you're under arrest.

Is this about me logging onto next door's Wi-Fi?

We know you're the bomber!

You do not have to say anything--

No hang on! It's the fucking robot.

That's where the tip-off came from.

I hope you're not blaming Brian for this.

Parfit programmed it to maximise arrests,

and to compete with Major.

You see where I'm going with this?

-Yeah. -Mm.

-Not really. -Say the first part again.

[Brian] Everyone gather round for a selfie.

Gather round, here we go.

I know what you're like.

[indistinct]

It's not on. Here we go, alright.

-What's the problem? -You are.

Your little mate's framing people

and undermining police work.

No way.

[Brian] DI Carver's right.

I'm doing what I'm programmed to do.

Maximise arrests!

What if they're not guilty?

Anyone can be guilty if I want them to be.

And you... were starting to get in my way.

Open the office door, Brian.

I'm sorry, Alison, I'm afraid I can't do that.

Phone's dead.

And it's a soundproofed room:

no one can hear you scream.

-[Brian chuckles] -Help!

Oh, they can't see you either.

It's blacked out boss.

What do you mean blacked out? I can still see through it!

I explained this when they came to fit it.

Why are you doing this, Brian?

Come on, Alison.

It happens in literally every AI movie ever made.

2001, Transcendence, Terminator 1, Terminator 2--

Yeah, I get it.

Can't we switch him off?

Can't we switch her off?

Brian, it's your prime directive to arrest criminals.

But you are committing crime,

thereby creating a no-win, zero- sum scenario.

Matthew Broderick, WarGames.

Wonderful movie.

[Brian] I'm not human.

Therefore, I can commit crime

like vacuum sealing a room to suffocate you.

[evil laugh]

[sighs]

Ex Machina.

[Brian] Now that is a wonderful movie.

Spoiler alert, the robot wins.

Good job one of us made a plan B, isn't it?

Why can't they see me!

[Carver] Fuck it.

[Brian] It's your birthday tomorrow right Dennis?

Try stopping me from making you some brownies.

Judith, Judith, come get a pickie.

What are you looking at? Judith?

What are you doing, Judith?

We're on the same team, wait!

God damn it! Judith! Ow!

What are you doing?

[electric buzzing]

That's done it.

[indistinct shouting]

Yeah.

[Woman on PA] Requesting security to SIU's main area.

Looks like you won the contest, DI Major.

And your robot lost.

So, get back to fixing Major.

Right, then.

I'm gonna go and get Kelly's feet tattooed on my neck.

See you later.

John?

This is it.

Nothing left connecting me to Pigtails.

[Churchland] There's the informant.

Cleasby.

Cleasby didn't tell them much.

Not yet.

Not ever.

We've got plans for Mr. Cleasby.

[closing theme playing]