Original subtitles

[guard over PA] This is a restricted area.

[helicopter whirring]

[guard speaking indistinctly over PA]

[alarm blaring]

[woman over PA] Would all visitors,

please empty your pockets of all lethal weapons, drugs...

[door buzzing]

I hate these places.

[Carver] I think that's the point.

And he'll only talk to us.

Well, maybe I don't wanna talk to him--

[detector buzzing]

[Carver] We're the only coppers he trusts.

Either that or he wants to... [mumbling] about with us.

It is alright mate. DI Major has neural implants.

He is only doing his job Roy. Carry on.

-[device beeps] -[mumbling]

-Are you getting off on that? -Let him finish!

-I have finished. -I said do your job!

I could have anything in there!

-[detector buzzing] -[Carver] Pack it in!

[door buzzing]

[Carver] Liam Cleasby.

Hey.

Great you guys could make it.

Sit down ballbag.

Let us get this over with. Shall we?

-You wanted to talk. -Just a friendly chat.

How is your wife? Or should I be asking him that question?

[Cleasby] Oh, come on. It is killing me.

I don't know how things turned up between the three of you.

Have you got information or not?

A walking Wikipedia of crime, at your disposal.

-For a price. -What's your price?

-A pardon. -He said what is your price?

-A pardon. -Oh for f... What.

-Is your... -No, stop.

No deal dickhead. You tried to kill my partner.

But I am not the Juggler, remember?

I am just a low-level drug dealer.

We are wasting our time here Carver.

Let us get wanded down again and go.

The Chelsea Bridge job!

Chelsea Bridge job was 20 years ago.

You were still nicking Segways.

[Cleasby] Fifty million quid.

No trace of the robbers or the cash.

But like I said, you do not get this for free.

She's not with either of us.

My wife.

She wanted a fresh start.

I don't owe you anything for telling me that.

Oh, you drive a hard bargain, Cleasby.

As for the sexual side of things...

I do not know about Roy,

but I am coping the old-fashioned way.

Twice a day. Once in the morning, once at work.

I have tried giving myself a dead arm

so it feels like someone is doing it,

but who am I kidding.

Talk to the lawyer!

Churchland and Co. The trail starts there.

That is all I am saying.

You heard of the male G-spot, Cleasby?

It is real and I should know. Long fingers you see.

-I actually can get right-- -Fuckin hell, John!

That's it. No more information changing hands.

[Carver] Let us get you out.

[Major] Let's go again. Come on.

[Carver] Get your keys.

Just get the--

[engine whirring]

Chelsea Bridge.

The last case my dad worked on.

One that drove him away.

I know mate.

He moved to Spain after that.

But I bet Cleasby knows all this.

He could just be saying this to mess with your head.

Something else is bothering me.

I put a mouse's turd in your drink.

-What? -Only a little one.

This was a while ago, when we weren't getting along.

Why are you telling me this now?

I am being open.

Think about it, Roy. Ever since I've come back,

we have hidden things from each other. Huh?

You were not honest about seeing Kelly. And I was--

Putting mouse shit in me drink.

Yes, but now, it's our chance to start again.

-What do you say? -Where'd you find it?

Was it a laboratory mouse

or did you just find some mouse shit somewhere?

This isn't the point of the conversation.

Oh, I think this is the point of the conversation, John.

The point is, we've got a clean slate. Fresh start.

I just found it.

-Never do that again. -It is what I'm saying.

No more secrets. Either of us.

I have put in for promotion. Fast track, Superintendent.

What?

-Why? -It's time for a change.

I don't wanna be a DI forever, do I?

-You would be my boss. -Not boss.

Wait. Senior though. Superior.

It's a long shot, I probably wouldn't get it.

Good luck with it though.

Thanks.

I keyed your car as well.

And that graffiti in the gents--

Yeah I knew that was you, you signed it.

Yeah.

[Carver] Everyone in the country remembers

the Chelsea Bridge case. Fifty million in cash

and diamonds stolen from a bank vault.

None of it was ever recovered.

I have hardly seen my dad since.

We were close beforehand. Bedtime stories as a child...

All right mate, you don't need to mention all that.

Yeah.

It's great to see you boys reunited.

-Thanks, boss. -You know what I've missed?

The banter.

-Yes, boss. -Do some now.

[Dennett] A good-natured insult, something like that.

Maybe call DI Major a bellend or something.

-[Dennett] Gobshite. Dicksplash. -[Major] Um...

That's one you don't hear so often.

It is more of a spontaneous kind of thing, boss.

[Dennett] Oh. Okay.

Well keep talking, see if we can get there.

The three prime suspects in the original case

all vanished. Cleasby claims he has got some information.

We need to go back in that prison

and talk to him again.

Yeah. But he won't say anything unless we get him out.

Then we go back there again. Every day,

sometimes twice a day.

You know you can get them security wands

off the internet, don't you?

Maybe we do not need to go back.

Cleasby mentioned a lawyer.

So we'll start there, find out what she knows.

[Major] I will get the word out on social media,

let people know we want information.

No, let's not rattle any cages just yet.

Oh. Because I think maybe, um...

some people already know.

-You've put it on Instagram? -Course I haven't.

It was TikTok.

-Why? -I just feel it has got

a younger demographic, more engaged--

You total fucking moron.

There it is!

There's the banter I've missed!

That was not good-natured, boss. He's been a dick.

Excellent. Keep it up!

You are a massive dicksplash.

I knew we would get there in the end.

Privacy settings.

What?

He's sharing personal information,

giving out case details. So I am thinking

his privacy settings need changing.

Well look at the new AI expert.

Someone has to be. You've done nothing for him.

I mean, I brought him back from the dead,

so you know, there is that.

You said there was nothing wrong with his wiring, right?

But since then he's just getting shitter and shitter.

Okay.

Sit down.

Time for the talk.

DI Major is a prototype.

I used pioneering technologies,

some of which, turn out to have a...

limited longevity.

Now, for a while I could run updates,

-install plugins. But... -But what?

There is only so many times

you can microwave the same chicken.

What are you telling me?

Okay. Have you ever had a phone?

And you have the phone for a little while, and then...

No? Okay.

Have you ever had a goldfish

and then one day you come home

and you see your goldfish just floating--

He's dying?

How long has he got left?

Do not make any big plans for...

Pancake day? What is--

Well, there must be something we can do.

I am working on it. Okay? I need more time and resources.

Anything that activates his arousal hormones

will accelerate his decline.

How am I supposed to know when his hormones are being aroused?

Four simple words.

Remote endocrine monitoring technology.

-This device will-- -[device beeps] Warning!

Okay, whatever he's doing right now, go and stop him.

-[device beeping] Warning! -For real, this is not a drill.

Flashing red is bad! Go!

-Major! -Oh, my God!

[Major] Dad always said this lawyer was dodgy.

-I remember him telling me-- -[music playing]

Are you playing relaxation music?

Yeah I have this on all the time. Its calming.

What were you seeing Dr. Parfit about just now?

Huh? We were just...

talking about how well you're doing.

She hasn't done a software update on me in ages.

[device beeps] Reduce stress levels.

You know what that means?

[beeping continues]

Means I am perfect!

Yeah. But she still wants you to look after yourself.

You know like, I do not know,

practice some meditation techniques.

What about yoga?

Yes. Even better.

Or, how about we light some joss sticks

and stick crystals up our arseholes? Jesus Carver.

This is what happens when you hang around with Americans.

Look, she is only trying to help John. Be nice.

Show her some... love.

Love?

Yeah, or appreciation or whatever.

[chuckles] Love?

DI Major.

Name rings a bell.

An alarm bell maybe.

Now I remember. Your father was a cocky bugger as well.

Didn't catch the robbers, now, did he?

That might be about to change.

You represented the three prime suspects.

I did. Before the robbery.

Not seen the bastards since.

We heard you might know where the money is.

That is right, Columbo.

I keep working in an asbestos-riddled office

for sentimental reasons.

Don't get clever with us.

Chippy. Also like his dad.

[Churchland] I want those thieving sods caught

as much as you do. They owe me money.

But they vanished.

Any relatives?

No.

One of the gang had a sister.

She wasn't interviewed the first time around.

Why ask me if you knew?

To see if you would tell us the truth.

Far as I know she is in a home.

Does not know what day it is.

Fine.

We'll track her down and find out.

Fine. We'll track her down and find out.

[door closes]

[phone beeps]

DI Carver, DI Major.

It's about one of your residents,

a Mary Roscoe.

[manager] Miss Roscoe was one of our residents.

She, uh, passed away.

Another dead end.

Sorry to have bothered you.

I thought, perhaps you were here to see the body.

She died recently?

What happened? Was she ill?

Oh, goodness me yes, she was ill for quite some time.

Still, it was a shock to us all when the truck hit her.

Whoever ordered the hit on the old lady

must have known we were investigating.

We've basically got two suspects.

The lawyer, and anyone who follows me on TikTok.

It's all right, John. Go and get yourself a drink,

a nice cup of chamomile tea or something. Yeah?

-Yeah. -Yeah. Good lad.

[Kelly] Roy.

-Do you know where John is? -What do you want him for?

I'm not sure that's any of your business.

-You cannot stress him out. -I won't.

Goodness.

-I wanna talk about divorce. -No, you can't.

He's dying.

It's his AI. It is degrading. He's gonna crash.

And we're gonna lose him again, Kel.

How long has he got?

[Carver] I am not sure.

When is Pancake Day?

Pancake Day?

It's 40 days before Easter. 'Cause that's Lent. So...

I think Easter falls pretty early in the calendar--

No. He doesn't know and we can't tell him,

'cause it'll just stress him out and make it worse.

So...

So there's no point in getting a divorce.

I don't want to be widowed twice, Roy.

Especially to the same man.

I just want to end things properly this time.

And you know what?

He deserves to be treated as a mature--

Okay, he's staring at us.

-Everything all right? -None of your--

I mean, hello, Dr. Parfit.

Alison. [chuckles] How are you today?

Carver told you to be nice to me.

[Major] And I think I know why.

He wants to set us up with each other.

And what gave you this curious impression?

Well. You told him I was perfect. Oh!

Yeah, I never said that.

That I could not be improved.

-More like it. -And I am flattered.

But it is not a good idea.

You and me together. I mean...

It would be weird. It would be like... Brother and--

Frankenstein fucking the monster.

Like brother and sister is what I was also going to say.

So let's keep things as they are.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I can learn to live with that.

[woman over PA]

What are you two getting up to on my bed?

I was just telling her about the case.

[Major] Hmm?

What did he tell you about it?

-The case? -Hmm.

Cold?

A cold case.

How old's the case?

-[Kelly] Two years. -Twenty.

Decades, that was decades.

Did he tell you about the lawyer?

The lawyer.

Bent. John, I want a divorce. Look we are in limbo.

This isn't healthy for either of us.

I've not got time right now, Kel.

Maybe if we go out for dinner--

No. No dinner. I want a clean break.

-You mean, like Center Parcs? -No, John. We need to talk.

-No we need to get back-- -Can I just?

-into that lawyer office. -Can I please?

It will be tricky, she knows we suspect her.

I need you to hear what I am saying.

We don't need a divorce.

Look we have not got enough for a search warrant.

I could go in.

I need a good lawyer.

-No chance. -I could take a hidden camera.

We do not just have those things lying around, Kel.

Like this one?

I could pretend I need advice on a divorce,

do some snooping around.

You two could be nearby and you could protect me...

if I needed bit of that...

I could protect you, couldn't I?

[Kelly] Mmm-hmm.

Okay, you've convinced me. Carver lets go.

You do not really think of me as a Frankenstein. Do you?

I swear. I have never thought of you as a Frankenstein.

I am Frankenstein, you are the monster. Read a book.

[John exhales]

[Churchland] Take a seat, Mrs um...

Kelly.

[Churchland] Mrs. Kelly.

[Kelly clears throat]

To be honest, family law isn't my field.

Why come to me?

You were recommended.

[Carver through earpiece] Well-handled Kel.

First sign of trouble and we're coming in.

[Churchland] Does your spouse know of your intentions?

No. He is not a good listener, that is part of the problem.

[chuckles]

[Churchland] You will have to prove irretrievable breakdown

of the marriage. For example, on grounds of desertion.

My husband did leave me for a year.

Leave her? I was fucking dead!

-She is playing a part John. -[John exhales]

-[monitor beeping] -What is that thing?

Ah... It's me stress monitor.

It checks me heart rate.

Well it is annoying. Switch it off!

-Off. -Then there's adultery.

That, too. I had a relationship with his best friend.

Which I take responsibility for,

but marriage was in a bad place and...

Roy made me feel loved and...

wanted.

Oh, fuck!

[device beeps] Warning. Reduce stress levels.

Can you calm down please, Roy!

[device beeps] Warning!

Another factor would be unreasonable behaviour.

How long have you got?

There is no need to make a list.

Oh, yes there is.

[Major] God...

Firstly, I'd like to mention his narcissism.

-[Kelly continues speaking] -[John exhausted]

[Kelly] ...a serious emotional relationship.

Then there's his complete inability

to empathise with other person emotional state

if it does not directly have any relevance to him.

Coupled with his extreme neediness.

Hour and a half.

I'm starting to think she's doing this on purpose.

[Kelly continues speaking]

I think you might be right, mate.

Excuse me, Mrs. Kelly.

Bathroom break.

Ooh. Here we go.

[Carver] Kel, we haven't got long.

[Major] Ask her is it number one or number two?

[Carver] She not gonna ask that. Is she?

She might.

[device beeps] Warning.

Ask her.

[Carver] Kelly, can you ask her if she's having a poo?

Thank you.

[Carver] All right, Kelly, stay calm you can do this.

[Major] She knows what she's doing.

Have a look in the drawers.

[Carver] She looked in the drawers.

[Major] Oh. Yeah. Forget the drawers Kelly,

see if you can find a computer, maybe try under the desk.

[Carver] She has found the computer.

[Major] Good. Now what you need to do

is put the copying device

on the... Oh, you've done it.

[Carver] John, just leave her alone she is doing all right.

[Carver and Major speaking]

Well done, Kel. You are doing amazing.

[Carver] Kelly?

You are loving this, aren't you?

-[device beeping] -What?

[mimicking] Well done, Kelly, you're so amazing.

Encouraging her.

I am actually starting to work you out.

[device beeps] Reduce stress level.

First you try and set me up with Parfit.

Then you get Kelly talking about divorce.

What were the pair of you talking about on my bed?

[device beeps] Reduce stress levels!

-I am not gonna tell you that. -Oh, you are not gonna tell me?

Then maybe she will. Kelly?

What were you and Carver talking about on my bed?

-John! Come on. -Shut up!

[Major] Kelly?

I'll tell you what, I'll find out myself.

-John, John. -No!

Listen! I thought we decided no more secrets!

No, you decided that. I didn't.

There's loads of stuff I don't tell you.

Do you want to know why?

Because it is none of your fucking business!

[buzzing]

[Carver] John!

John!

John come on. Get back in the van.

No, get back in there.

[suspenseful music playing]

[Major] No, no no.

No!

[music intensifies]

[Kelly] Oh. Sorry to keep you.

I have got all I came for. Thank you for your help.

[John grunts]

[Major] Fuckin hell!

-Roy! Just calm down! -[device beeping loudly]

You are going to have a heart attack!

[device beeps] Warning! Reduce stress levels!

[Major] Fucking thing!

[both clamouring]

Hey. That was exciting.

[static sound from walkie talkie]

[officers speaking]

[Carver] Yeah. Yeah we're here now, boss.

The deeds to a plot were on Churchland computer.

Yeah. In an encrypted file.

[Major] Fuck me, Roy.

It was buried treasure!

It is The Chelsea Bridge loot!

You wait till I tell my dad!

Well, swing it out.

Let's open it up.

[both coughing]

Shit.

-[Carver] Who is he? -Or she, could be female.

[Carver] The question is who are they?

You mean like a gender non-binary thing?

No. You're right, I should not assume--

[Carver] I mean there's more than one body in here.

And, we might not find the loot.

I think we found the Chelsea Bridge gang.

[thunder rumbling]

[helicopter whirring]

I didn't know you'd find bodies!

I thought it was the money, I swear!

Time to cough it up, Cleasby. What else do you know?

Ah, bits and pieces, some names.

Okay, I'll tell you everything I've picked up over the years.

Right? When, you let me go.

[Major] Fuck that.

Get it in your head gobshite, you shot a police officer.

Only a total fucking moron, would let you out.

Well, I am letting Cleasby out.

Boss, you cannot do that!

[Dennett] His information is vital,

especially now the Chelsea Bridge case

-is live again. -Boss, Maj's dad led that case.

Indeed he did.

And he is volunteered to advise on it again.

Sit down DI Major.

There is someone I would like to bring in.

-You all right? -Yeah.

[Dennett] I am passing the case on to you two.

Major's too personally involved.

What?

Oh. Right, you thought I was going to bring in your dad.

No. No, no, no.

He is flying in tomorrow.

[device beeps] Reduce stress levels!

[explodes]

[suspenseful music playing]

[closing theme music playing]