Original subtitles

So shaken as we are, so wan with care

find we a time for frighted peace to pant

and breathe short-winded accents of new broils

to be commenced in strands afar remote.

No more the thirsty entrance of this soil

shall daub her lips with her own children's blood

nor more shall trenching war channel her field

nor bruise her flowerets with the armèd hoofs

of hostile paces: those opposèd eyes

which, like the meteors of a troubled heaven

all of one nature, of one substance bred

did lately meet in the intestine shock

and furious close of civil butchery

shall now, in mutual well-beseeming ranks

march all one way

and be no more opposed

against acquaintance

kindred

and allies.

The edge of war, like an ill-sheathèd knife

no more shall cut his master.

Therefore, friends

as far as to the sepulchre of Christ

forthwith a power of English shall we levy

whose arms were moulded in their mothers' womb

to chase those pagans from those holy fields.

But this our purpose now is twelve month old

and bootless 'tis to tell you we will go

therefore we meet not now.

Then let me hear from you, my noble lord and loyal friend

what yesternight our council did decree

in forwarding this dear expedience.

My liege, this haste was hot in question

and many limits of the charge set down

but yesternight: when all athwart there came

a post from Scotland, leaden with grave news.

On Holy-rood day, the gallant Hotspur there

and the Earl of Douglas

that ever-valiant and approvèd Scot, at Holmedon met!

Ragh!

Rrr-ragh!

Lay on!

Lay on ya wee and scrawny thing

I've fought grandmothers with more strength than ye!

Those two did spend a sad

and bloody hour

ten thousand bold Scots, two and twenty knights

did our rider see on Holmedon's plains.

If Harry Hotspur wins

it would be conquest for a prince to boast of.

Ragh!

Raaagh!

Yea, there thou makest me sad and makest me sin in envy

♪ that my Lord Northumberland

should be the father to so blest a son

a son who is the theme of honour's tongue.

Whilst I, by looking on the praise of him

see riot and dishonour stain the brow of my young Harry.

On your feet, Prince Hal!

These wars make men of us. Are you a man?

A spent one!

O, I cannot match thy pace, my lungs will burst!

Would I had never come from

cosy London to this damnèd place!

Then get thee to thy tent, I say, go to!

We have no use for women on the field.

O that it could be proved

that some night-tripping fairy had exchanged

Northumberland's child with mine when they were born

then would I have his Harry, and he mine.

It seems then that the tidings of this broil

brake off our business for the Holy Land

and for this cause awhile we should shake off

our purpose for Jerusalem.

Bring any word you hear, my noble friends

of how the battle at our border stands.

With Hotspur at its head I do not doubt

that soon we shall have victory and peace.

I didn't understand a bloody word of that!

What's going on?

It's okay, it's okay, you're all right!

What is this? And who was that? And...

Who are you?

You're safe, it's okay!

I'm a friend.

Here, have some water.

Right, I'm going to need you to remain calm, okay?

Just take a deep breath. Come on.

There you are. So, think very carefully and calmly.

Can you tell me, what is your name?

Portia.

I'm Portia. I'm Brutus' wife, I have to...

You've ungently, Brutus

stole from my bed: and yesternight, at supper

you suddenly arose, and walk'd about...

Hello!

Musing and sighing, with your arms across

and when I ask'd you

what the matter was...

No no no, stay with me, stay with me!

I grant I am a woman; but withal

a woman that Lord Brutus took to wife.

I grant I am a woman; but withal

a woman well-reputed, Cato's daughter...

Snap out of it!

Who are you?

Just stay calm and think very carefully and clearly

and can you tell me, what is your name?

Portia?

I'm Brutus' wife.

Are you sure it's Portia?

Are you sure you're married to Brutus

as in Ancient Roman Brutus

as in best mates with Julius Caesar Brutus?

Yes. I'm Portia.

I'm Brutus' wife.

What kind of bottle is that?

Diet Coke.

So, if you're from Ancient Rome

how do you recognise Diet Coke?

What the fuck?

It's okay! It's okay...

No no no no no.

Jen!

Jen?

Jen! My name is Jen!

Oh, Jen! Jen, Jen, Jen!

Oh my God, I completely believed I was an Ancient Roman!

Well, that's right. I rescued you.

I'm Sam.

Or Sammy or Samantha, whichever you prefer.

I'm from Liverpool and I'm a manager in a care home

which is all arse holes and noses

wiping arse holes and wiping noses all day!

Oh, but don't worry, I've washed my hand since then.

Where am I?

Well, right now we're somewhere between 'in the shit'

and 'in harm's way.'

Just...

Keep your head down and do what I tell you.

That was Scene One. It's about to change.

Change? Into what?

1402, Northumberland.

The Battle of Holmedon Hill!

God's wounds, I thought my sword fell hereabout!

Good nephew, in this battle smoke and marsh

I fear to find it is impossible.

I had it of my father years ago!

That wayward blade hath done our noble cause

great service, there's comfort.

The Thane of Fife

is taken as our prisoner, and Menteith.

I dare believe we may have victory!

The Earl of Douglas yet evades our grasp.

He slipped by me when last our armies met

at Otterburn, and left my brother dead.

Good nephew, our knights returning from their charge!

The Scottish lines are broken; we have won!

Yet where is Douglas?

- I cannot make him out. - But here's a friendly face!

My brother Northumberland.

My boy, my boy!

Father! How stands the day?

My boy, the day is ours.

While watching from my horse I saw thee fight

all glinting in the sun like mailèd Mars

thy voice like thunder shook the startled birds

from every tree!

The rabbits hereabout

did dive into their burrows as in fear

that they beheld a second Hercules!

A knight who rode beside me did exclaim

the courage of, 'That warrior who strides

into a battle like the foaming sea

and parts it with defiant manly will!'

I with laughter

proudly turned and cried to all

'He is my son!'

Thou hast brought honour to our family name!

Enough! These gilded garments fit me not.

What of the Earl of Douglas? Where is he?

Accursèd Scot!

Thou villain! Thou base thing!

Good morrow, Harry Percy.

And my lord?

I am Sir Thomas Percy, Earl of Worcester

the brother of the elder Henry here.

Oooh.

I see the landscape of Northumberland

makes Percys grow like dandelions: weeds

that are cut down and then sprout up again.

You cut my brother Ralph down.

Aye, I did, when you were but a stripling, years ago.

And now I am your prisoner.

Not for long.

Father, lend me your sword.

Send me to meet my cousin Archibald

who you dispatched today, and we'll make hell

hold three prime places for the Percy boys!

Come, make it quick.

Make way there! In Prince Henry's name make way!

Which of you untaught knaves, unmannerly

to top the basest varlet, ranks enough

among what out of London generously

are flattered with the name of gentlemen

to parlay with the issue of a King?

These untaught knaves, my prince, have won the day

and at a Kingly cost vanquished the Scot!

Or were about to.

Nay, put up that sword!

Deliver any other prisoners

that you may have without ransom or delay.

I shall escort them South with every speed

to give them up unto my father's court.

It seems I am reprieved.

Not him: he's mine.

Read you this letter that a messenger

placed in my hands just moments hence.

The King, my father

gave this urgent task to me

charging that I instruct Northumberland.

The Scots surrendered not unto the King

but me! This is my field of victory!

Can I surrender for a second time?

I do accept.

No!

He has no command.

I have command by this crown that I wear

and by the blood I carry in my veins!

You have no knights on this field, no army

you are no soldier, have not stained your sword...

I marched from London to be here with you

to oversee your lumpen, awkward war

braved villainous clouds of salt-petre and soot

made blacker by egregious soldiers' oaths

and pricking marshland flies which steal my blood

by pints and gallons!

Not so, my precious prince

you did not march here, rather were you dragged

with lumpen awkward feet and dainty hands

sweet breath and neatly polished fingernails

to sit in womanly idleness on your arse!

Then as the solider here, you surely know

a soldier's duty is obedience!

And my duty shall I discharge at once

in taking of your prisoners.

One word more and I shall count you with my prisoners!

This girlish tempest temper quite exceeds

your savage reputation.

- Girlish? - Ay.

Good nephew

cool the fire of your rage!

Have we not spoken many times of calm

and all the virtues that it brings a man?

There is my gauge!

Your hand would be advised

to sooner touch a venomous viper's tail

than such a certain seal of vengeful death.

- My prince, take up your gauge: enough have died

we need not have more bloodshed.

Come, let's talk.

Come.

Why 'girlish'? Wherefore 'girlish' sticks in me?

I am a man, no girl, that's certain!

Raugh!

This is fucking coconuts.

Sh!

Sit. Sit down, sit down.

The orders from the King are genuine.

Specifically the Earl of Douglas' name

is set down to be made a prisoner

and not the instrument of our revenge.

There's worse news in the second letter here.

Thy brother in law, that's Edmund Mortimer

against the irregular and wild Glendower

was by the rude hands of that Welshman captured.

Alas, that we should weigh our victory

in equal measure with such dark defeat

that celebration lights up all the North

while funeral darkness shades the sullen South.

Then both my brothers now are lost to me.

Will neither be avenged?

Do not despair.

Our Ralph is gone, but taking our revenge

could never bid him walk out of his grave.

I miss him every day.

But I have found in time the wound of grief becomes a scar

no longer bleeding but an old complaint.

I have one son still breathing, and thy face

alive and smiling is more dear to me

than one more corpse left out to feed the crows.

And as for Edmund Mortimer, he lives!

So as he lives we work to set him free.

I council that we keep our prisoner here

until King Henry is of such a mind

to ransom home our cousin who is lost.

I am content. We shall exchange the Scot.

Unless you'd name Goliath as your second

the danger doth outweigh your pride, my prince.

You have yourself seen my nephew think not

of gralloching a Scotsman in a stroke

or mangling a Welshman so entire

that Welsh alone has words savage enough

to sound description in an English ear.

I am familiar with your nephew's wrath.

How deep the currents of passion run in him.

Your royal highness

we propose a trade.

We will gladly give you Douglas and the rest

if your father the King can make a vow

to ransom straight Edmund Mortimer

our cousin taken by the Welsh army.

I cannot promise on the King's behalf.

And yet I can on my own name, aye!

Yes!

This seems a friendly, even-handed suit.

I grant it, or I shall, yes, it is done!

I like it!

Silence, cur! Thou keep'st thy head but temporarily.

So do we all.

Then I suggest we draw up the details

not in the frigid air but in my tent

where we can all repose and ease ourselves.

Good nephew, we shall parlay with the prince

find you some other task or rest alone.

When we have reached a compact we will call.

Well fought today.

Our practise has borne fruit.

Thy swordsmanship is markedly improved.

I thank thee uncle.

The wounded cry for aid; I'll see them cared for

and retrieve my sword.

Make sure that Douglas is kept under guard.

I'll rest me in the warm tent for a spell.

My Prince!

In careless passion and faint breath

from many miles of marching have you let

your glove slip negligently from your hand.

I would we could be friends again, Harry.

This long campaign has been a taxing road

too often paved with bitter tears and loss and...

And yet I am glad I came, for I met thee.

Thou, soldier!

Help me find my missing sword.

When I pursued the Douglas as he fled

I slipped into a bog and dropped my blade.

I think it landed somewhere hereabout.

I'll search this way, and thou the other, so

we'll meet back in the middle.

Verily!

So uh, we're looking for a missing sword?

Is it special? Or um...

Generic sword-shaped?

What say'st thou? Hast thou found the blasted thing?

No, no, I'm still looking!

Um, I would hate for you to lose something like that.

Probably got lots of beheadings to do with it.

My father gave it as a gift to me.

It was to mark the day I came of age

the day that I became...

A man.

I found it!

There you go.

I felt not quite myself without it here.

The old familiar heft, the swing, the slice!

I thank thee, soldier! I am much relieved.

No worries, babe!

Uh, I mean, um, I sayeth...

Um, verily, there are...

No worries, my lord.

Where art thou from?

Thou hast a strange... Dialect.

I'm from Framlingham.

But I'm staying down the road with some friends, actually.

That's why I'm here on the battlefield.

I just popped out to have a shufty

and then you won, or we won

so, no worries.

Wherever thou art from, I thank thee, friend.

Can I ask a question?

Why do you talk like that?

Um, each syllable and word considerèd

all very grand, all very much controlled, or

'thee' and 'thou' and so on and so forth?

I speak but as I feel.

My passions are all regimented, so my thoughts, my words...

Do you speak that way

because it's genuinely how you think

or do you think that way

because it was how you were taught to speak?

Um...

I've always spoken this way: it is hard...

It, it...

It is hard to not do that.

In Framlingham, they do not speak like this

but let their thoughts spill out undisciplined?

Yeah. I mean, I guess, yeah.

I thank thee, soldier. Go and get some rest.

Well, it was nice to meet you.

My husband, are you hurt?

My..

What a fall!

I fell?

I fear thou hit thy head; come, let me see.

There is no blood.

Nay, do not try to stand

but rest a moment.

Let me see thy arm.

Can'st bend it? Good, it is not broken then.

I'm not sure what just happened.

Thou wert recounting the exciting tale

of battling Douglas up at Holmedon Hill.

Thou leapt up on the wall to demonstrate

some action and thy footing must have slipped!

When thou crashed down at once in somersaults.

Thou foolish thing.

We are most fortunate

thou did'st not land upon thy sword, my love!

My sword? This...

This is my sword.

And this, that I'm wearing, this is my armour.

All handsomely in mail you are arranged.

Was there a woman here a second ago?

I swear I was just chatting with someone.

I am the only woman here, my love.

Of course.

Of course

my Kate.

I'll try to keep my feet on firmer ground from now on

Thou wert just telling me of Edmund then?

Yes, Edmund!

We have asked the Prince of Wales

to intervene at court with his father

persuading King Henry to ransom him.

I know the Earl of Douglas vexes thee...

Aye, some! Thou let him stay in this, our home!

It is a temporary lodging, love.

With temporary longing shall I leave

thee soon to find a double remedy

for both thy woes: exchanging our Edmund for that same Scot.

Your horse is saddled

and we stay for thee.

Good morrow, Kate!

Good morrow, noble father.

I must away to London. Farewell, love.

I thought there was another woman here. How odd.

I would be mad if e'er I wished

to have another woman's company

when thou art fairest of the fairer sex.

Thy tongue produces surfeit of sweet words.

What other task then might I set it to?

What still more pleasing service might my tongue perform

my Lady Kate?

Thou naughty man!

My innocent ears shall not hear such things, sir!

Thy wit is like the sunshine: though it warms

in tarrying in't I fear I shall turn pink!

A pretty jest! Thy lips have talent too.

Would my tongue and thy lips worked hand in hand

what splendid poetry they might devise.

Thy lips and thy tongue, sayest thou?

And what else?

It is a pity I must ride away.

I'd rather I than thy horse under thee!

Peace, love! Wouldst lay me down on muddy grass?

The grass would be the luckiest in the world

if thou wouldst only be on top of it!

But I could spare thee from the mud and lie

between thee and the grass, if thou did wish!

Then go thou with my love.

I loathe these days!

Too frequent and too hastily announced

when we must part, thou out into the world

and I for Alnwick Castle's lonely spires.

It is my duty.

- Am I thy duty? - Aye.

My joy. The better half of all my life.

What would a husband be without his wife?

It's okay. Poor sausage.

Come here.

My whole arm's got pins and needles.

That's all right, don't you worry, Sammy's here.

Wiggle your fingers for me.

Yeah, I don't think anything's too badly broken...

It felt like sticking a fork in a plug socket!

Silly old sausage.

No.

What is going on here?

All right.

This might be a lot to process, my lovely, but...

You are inside a play.

What the fuck?

Actually a whole dimension of plays, a whole multiverse!

I don't know whether we're lying in a coma up there

or if we're sharing the same dream.

Last thing I remember from the real world

I was dropping off to sleep in the back of my car.

Well, next thing I knew

I was Cleopatra

ruling over Ancient Egypt.

Which had its perks

but it all seemed a bit weird.

So I looked inside my bag

which I still had with me.

I saw the Diet Coke bottle and I thought

that's funny, they don't have Diet Coke in Ancient Egypt.

And that's when it hit me.

It wasn't just Ancient Egypt.

This was Antony and Cleopatra.

As in the play "Antony and Cleopatra."

As in Shakespeare!

Oh, no! Bloody hell, I hate Shakespeare.

Well, I did a runner. I wound up in "The Tempest"

then "A Midsummer Night's Dream" and a bunch more.

Went through all the Roman ones

saw you in "Julius Caesar" and my first thought was

'Gosh, I've got to get her out of here because she's...

You know...

Like me.'

Well, actually my first thought was

'Gosh, isn't she gorgeous!'

I imagined you had a very glamorous lifestyle

somewhere with uh, lots of friends

and a gazillion Instagram followers

who'd all be missing you!

I'm nattering, sorry.

No, that's all right

at least I can understand what you're saying.

We're inside Shakespeare?

Yeah.

The play, not the man.

Right, I'm calling 999.

It's dead?

Do you have a charger?

I've got something better.

Ta-dah!

I picked this up when I was down in "The Tempest."

Nicked it right out from under old Prospero's nose.

It's got everything on it, it's like magical Google.

What is it?

A map.

Although I did steal it from a wizard, darling.

It's not exactly Ordnance Survey.

Whoa...

Mhm! Trippy.

All the different plays...

All separated into their own little worlds.

They have their exits and their entrances...

Yet who would have thought the old man

to have had so much blood in him?

Sorry.

I'll help you.

And these, these are the doorways between them.

All you have to do is be in the right place

at the right time and you can jump through.

So um, what play are we in?

Well, that's the good news.

We are right at the beginning of "Henry IV" Part One.

I've been trying to get here for ages.

Look at this, this big doorway right at the top.

Read that, what does that say?

'Out.'

The doorways always appear at moments of choice

forks in the road, and at the end of this play

there's a great big one.

Prince Hal starts off a mess

but he puts aside his wayward youth.

He has to choose between his old life

and the role he was born to play

so!

If we can follow him, lurk in the background of his scenes

stick to him like glue, then eventually we'll come across

that great big beautiful doorway and that, that Jen

is 'Out!'

Can't believe it.

Hey, maybe we wanna ask some of the people

who are already down here about it?

I spoke to that girl, the one who lost her sword

and she seems like she would help...

No.

They're antibodies. Um, characters.

Down here is their home

and they like it just the way it is.

Can they hurt us?

They can do much worse than that.

If they sucked you into playing a role in their story again

then you might be stuck down here forever.

That's why I'd appreciate it

if you were a bit more ears open

when I'm giving you instructions, all right?

Wouldn't want you getting hurt again.

Sorry.

But for future reference, if they speak to me

what am I supposed to do?

Well, if you have to improvise, don't break rhythm.

If they give you six beats, for example

give them four back. So um...

Well, anyway, it always adds up to ten.

And as long as you're in rhythm

they see what they want to see.

It's changing!

Move. Move.

Those prisoners in your highness' name demanded

which Harry Percy here at Holmedon took

were, as he says, not with such strength denied

as is deliver'd to your majesty!

Either envy, therefore, or misprison

is guilty of this fault, not him, my King.

My liege, I did deny no prisoners...

How like a comet comes the Prince of Wales

amazing all and yet so seldom seen

that all our wisest sagest astronomers

can ne'er predict his visits to the court.

Good gentlemen, I beg your patience

I was detained upon an urgent...

Thing.

My liege, I did deny no prisoners

but I remember, when the fight was done

when I was dry with rage and extreme toil

breathless and faint, leaning upon my sword

came there, a certain lord

neat, and trimly dress'd

fresh as a bridegroom; and his chin new reap'd

show'd like a stubble-land at harvest-home.

And as the soldiers bore dead bodies by

he call'd them untaught knaves, unmannerly!

With many holiday and lady terms

he question'd me; amongst the rest, demanded

my prisoners in your majesty's behalf.

I then, all smarting with my wounds being cold

out of my grief and my impatience

answer'd neglectingly I know not what

he should or he should not; for he made me mad

to see him shine so brisk and smell so sweet

and talk so like a waiting-gentlewoman

of guns and drums and wounds

God save the mark!

This bald unjointed chat of his, my lord

was answer'd indirectly, as I said.

This lord who so provoked your heated words

what was his name?

I cannot recall, my liege.

Um...

The circumstance...

The circumstance consider'd, good my lord

whate'er Lord Harry Percy then had said

may reasonably die and never rise

to do him wrong or any way impeach

what he had said, so he unsay it now.

Well said, my noble knight.

Why, yet he doth deny his prisoners

but with proviso and exception

that we at our own charge shall ransom home

his brother-in-law, the foolish Mortimer

who, on my soul, hath wilfully betray'd

the lives of those that he did lead to fight

against that great magician, damn'd Glendower.

Shall we buy treason and indent with fears

when they have lost and forfeited themselves?

No...

On the barren mountains let him starve

for I shall never hold that man my friend

whose tongue shall ask me for one penny cost

to ransom home revolted Mortimer.

Revolted Mortimer!

He never did fall off, my sovereign liege

but by the chance of war!

Thou dost belie him, Percy, thou dost belie him.

Art thou not ashamed?

But, sirrah, henceforth

let me not hear thee speak of Mortimer.

Bring me your Douglas with the speediest means

or you shall hear from me in such a kind

as will displease you.

Look to it at once!

I thank thee that thou chose to overlook

my name when thou recounted Holmedon's fray.

I must express my earnest gratitude...

Your gratitude is worth nothing to me

whilst Mortimer my brother lies in chains

and we men of the North who won that crown

that your father so proudly wears are dogged

at every turn by his misgovernance!

Let not his wrathful mood affright your heart.

I am the cause of his distemperment.

He sees that I am yet to take a wife

and worries I am not...

The marriage type.

He loves thee well, and heartily desires

that I reform myself to be like thee.

Therefore, if it should please thee, stay at court

and join me in a hunt, or else at dice, or tennis.

Therein serve a double aim.

Convince my father that I spend my time

in company of which he doth approve

and by that feint we calm his stormy mood

thy suit for Mortimer may yet succeed!

And secondly we serve our private aim.

Which is, if I have read thy heart correct...

Is this the business that the Prince of Wales

finds suits his majesty, eh?

Tennis? Dice?

Are't so effeminate?

Are't so attuned to that degenerate company you keep?

Whose prince is this, who minces and who chats

more like a Princess than a royal heir?

I know you love your brother Mortimer

and for that love, and that which I bear you

I shall attempt to calm my father's storm.

Meantime, my lords, obedience is due.

Send us your prisoners, or you will hear of it.

An' if the devil come and roar for them

I will not send them: I will after straight and tell him so

for I will ease my heart, albeit I make a hazard of my head!

- What, drunk with choler? - Stay and pause awhile.

Remember calm, remember reason, think!

Soldier!

The old Earl of Northumberland

is waiting just outside; he was dismissed

in rage by King Henry.

Go fetch him in.

We shall obey at once, my lord Hotspur.

Wait.

Have we met?

Yes, quite possibly, perhaps

your lordship might have seen us here before.

We have been guarding this palace for years.

What is thy name, soldier?

Why, Jen, my lord.

Come, shake my hand.

Thy hand, my lord? What for?

In friendship or in enmity, choose one

I care not, simply do as thou art told.

Give me thy hand.

Okay. Yeah.

Here it is.

I thank thee.

No problem-o.

We'll fetch him

the man thou did request to see just now.

In fact I see him coming already, so

we'll see thee later, alligator...

Or!

Brother, the King hath forcibly denied

our pleas to ransom Edmund Mortimer!

What's happened? What was said when I was gone?

He will forsooth have all our prisoners

and when I...

And when we urged the ransom once again

of our dear cousin, then his cheek look'd pale

and on my face he turn'd an eye of death

trembling even at the name of Mortimer!

Is King Henry not my father's very twin?

How is't I never noticed it before?

They are as like as this hand to itself!

What, is God's highest so common in form

that Kings are found in twos?

And all alone.

Save for those guards, that Jen, whose face I think

I have encountered once before somewhere.

And Henry

Prince of Wales, that libertine

where was King Henry's retinue, his queen

his knights, his courtiers

or his people...

Shouldn't there be, like, more people here

or something?

Who the fuck are you?

Good nephew, give me audience a while!

And now

I will unclasp a secret book

and to your bluh bluh-bluh-bluh bluh-bluh

Bluh bluh bluh bluh-bluh bluh bluh bluh-bluh-bluh

bluh bluh bluh bluh-bluh bluh bluh-bluh-bluh bluh.

Bluh bluh bluh-bluh-bluh bluh-bluh bluh bluh bluh.

Sorry, what did you just say?

De dum, de dum, de dum, the King de dum

de-dum de-dum de-dum de-dum the crown?

Bluh bluh. Bluh-bluh bluh bluh bluh.

De dum de dum-de dum de dum-de King.

De dum de dum de dum-de dum-de dum!

Bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh-bluh bluh-bluh-bluh.

Wait, wait.

Look at this place.

Look at them, who are they?

Bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh-bluh-bluh!

De-dum de-dum de-dum...

My son be so employed.

Rebellion is our aim, we shall seek out

a head of safety with the Archbishop of York

and Douglas, and Glendower

and Mortimer, to, to overthrow the... King.

- My lords, farewell: no further go in this

than I by letters shall direct your course.

Farewell, good brother: we shall thrive, I trust.

Brother, Adieu.

O, let the hours be short

till fields and blows and groans applaud our sport!

There they are. Mhm, mhm, mhm.

Aah... There he is, get down!

Good! We're right on track.

We'll be out of here in no time!

I think I'm getting the hang of this place.

Did you see that bit of improv back there?

Serving ten syllables every time, buh-bam!

Except for when you called Hotspur 'thou'

instead of 'you!'

In Shakespeare

calling someone 'you' implies respect.

Calling someone 'thou' implies familiarity and intimacy.

Are you having a laugh?

What?

Are you telling me that every two minutes

these fucking cis people change their pronouns?

I can see why people like this stuff.

Oh, and those two... the prince and Hotspur, so adorable

like super tragic but, argh! So much drama, I love it!

Does it have a happy ending?

Well, it doesn't matter, my love

as long as we find that doorway out.

Right, but does it have a happy ending though...

Well, let's stay in the now, shall we?

If Prince Hal...

No, excuse me, if we're about

where I think we...

Prince Hal is about to have a massive row with his Dad.

What?

Yes, sit down.

My lords

give us leave awhile. The Prince of Wales and I

must have some private conference.

Be near at hand, for we shall presently have need of you.

Yet wait, my sovereign king!

Let us not go just yet, for we can be of some use to thee...

You, to you!

Um

Don't argue with your son, he is a nice

boy and we have heard good things about him

that you will want to know, such as, um...

What are you doing?

I'm trying to help!

Hey, look at this!

I know you'd spare me from my father's words

and I am grateful for your efforts, friend

but they shall only spur his anger on.

Do as he says.

I can withstand his rage.

Are you sure?

Like this is super fucked up. What's his problem?

You're gay, so what?

Or 'not the marriage type'?

That's what this is about, right?

Hey, so what?

It's okay.

The Prince of Wales is all that I can be.

Yet I appreciate thy honest tongue.

Would honesty were all my role demanded.

We are accustomed, when we give commands

to having them obeyed, and promptly!

Go! Be there at the entrances, let none come in!

I know not whether God will have it so

for some displeasing service I have done

that, in his secret doom, out of my blood

he'll breed revengement and a scourge for me.

But thou dost in thy passages of life

make me believe that thou art only mark'd

for the hot vengeance and the rod of heaven

to punish my mistreadings. Tell me else

could such inordinate and low desires

such barren pleasures, rude society

as thou art matched withal and grafted to...

So please, your majesty, I would I could

quit all offences with as clear excuse...

The hope and expectation of thy time

is ruin'd, and the soul of every man

prophetically doth forethink thy fall.

Do not think so; you shall not find it so.

It has been found; why shall I not believe

that which is proved? Or canst thou summon up

some words to excuse thy vulgar choice

to live so far from all propriety?

What say'st thou?

- My lord... - How canst thou

account for this?

Why dost thou set thy will so far from wisdom and prudence?

Why dost thou?

Indulging thy desires, deepening them

not reigning thyself in, as princes should?

I shall hereafter, my thrice gracious lord

- be more myself! - Thyself!

Hotspur hath more loyalty, more worthy interest to the state

than thou the shadow of succession.

But wherefore do I tell these news to thee?

Why, Harry, do I tell thee of my foes

which art my near'st and dearest enemy?

To squander years of true

paternal love

to show how much thou art...

Degenerate!

Yeah. Cool.

Sick. Cheers, Dad!

Hotspur's a legend actually. Just completely fair play!

He's like, 'I killed a dozen Scottish people today, huh-hah!

Huh-hah! Legend!

I have a sexy wife!

She's like, 'Oh Harry, how many hast thou killed today?'

and I'm like, 'Feed my horse, bitch!'

Grr! Oh, I must have my prisoners!

I must have Mortimer back King Henry...

I'm a very serious person!

Yes, Harry Hotspur

I take you very seriously!

This is the most dynamite shit I have ever seen!

Oh and by the way, congratulations on your very sexy wife!

Thank you!

I won her in a fight I had with a wolf.

A wife worthy of a Prince!

Oh, how I wish you were my son

and then I would have a sexy daughter-in-law!

I wish my son would obtain a sexy wife.

He seems to spend all of his time with men

for reasons that are somehow still a mystery to me!

Oh King Henry

your son is a nancy boy!

He has clean fingernails and he combs his hair

and he does not have a very sexy wife!

He knows nothing of the pussy!

He is unquestionably a faggot

of the most heinous disposition!

Take me as your son instead!

Yes!

That is absolutely a sensible reaction

to my son's homosexuality

and not at all likely to scar him for life.

Cheers Dad! Yeah, yeah!

Nice one!

I'm sorry.

Sorry's not good enough, to be frank with you.

We might really be in the shit here now

come on!

Sam?

Oh shit, Jen. You've porked it now, babes.

Um...

Okay, a magic map. A magic map.

Um, easy.

- Northumberland... - Northumberland...

- Alnwick Castle... - Alnwick Castle?

Several Weeks Later.

Several Weeks Later.

My gracious host!

I must express my thanks.

Your hospitality has been so mild

Your castle has been such a welcoming respite

I could almost believe that we had been friends

these last few years and not dire enemies!

Indeed, it seems mere minutes since we fought

a bloody battle up at Holmedon Hill.

I'faith I curse myself I was not ta'en

to be your lordship's prisoner before!

In gratitude I shall commit my strength

to topple Henry Bolingbroke, your king.

With Harry Hotspur fighting on our side

I have no doubt we shall find swift success!

Well said, and many thanks, my noble Scot.

Ah, um...

Lady Katherine!

My humble thanks for all thy golden generosity!

I'm glad I saw you ere we part to say

truly, by'm'heart thou art so becoming

truly, my heart breaks that I'll be-going.

We'll muster up our cousins and ride south

to join with you at Bangor by the ninth.

Thanks once again, old foe

and new-forged friend.

I'll ride out with you till our paths diverge.

Yet stay, my husband. We must talk.

I'll join you momentarily.

Good luck!

How now, my wife? Have you some suit to me?

A suit? Am I to make appointments to speak with thee now?

My hennin is upstairs.

Shall I put on my formal robes, my lord?

Nay, but speak quickly: I am called away.

'Tis true thou art, my husband, called 'away.'

'Away' should be thy middle name, I'faith

for when I call out 'Harry' these stone walls

repeat 'Away, ' 'Away, ' in echoing sobs.

For what offence have I these long months been

a banished woman from my Harry's bed?

No tenderness have I of thee enjoyed

no kisses, nor no touches, comforts, sighs

in weeks, nay months!

Unnatural spans of time!

I am thy wife; aren't not my husband too?

Am I not pleasing to thee anymore?

I must know, Harry, else thou love'st me not!

What is that carries you away?

Away, away, you trifler! Love!

I love thee not!

Do you not love me? Do you not, indeed?

I love thee infinitely.

But hark you, Kate

whither I must, I must; and, to conclude

this evening must I leave you, gentle Kate.

I know you wise, but yet no farther wise

than Harry Percy's wife: constant you are

yet constantly you are a woman, Kate

and so far will I trust...

Oh! So far.

Not an inch further!

But hark you, Kate

whither I go, thither shall you go too.

Today I will set forth, tomorrow you.

Will this content you, Kate?

It must, of force.

Are you all right?

What sayest thou, good maid?

I said are you alright?

I do not need attending at this time.

Okay.

Art married?

Uh, married? Me?

Yes. Art thou wed?

Uh, no.

Ah. Well.

You probably have to work at it, I imagine?

Yes! Thou art correct.

It is hard work.

I'm sure she loves you, really.

She?

Uh-uh, no no no no. Um...

he, him, your husband, Hotspur?

I'm sure he loves you really.

Sometimes I feel like I do not know the man.

I gaze rather upon a fixed portrait

a hollow suit of armour brought to life.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Has't thou experience with men? With love?

There is no need to blush

I do not ask to wring confession from thee for thy sins.

I know how pretty maids can turn men's heads

I know attention has a double edge.

In nine parts loathsome irritation

and in one part a begrudging flattery.

Ooh, yeah! I know what you mean there.

I have some experience with men, with guys, they're...

Generally fine.

If that's what you're into.

I'm actually mostly a lesbian.

A lesbian? What sort of thing is that?

It is a religious order, like a nun?

Well, you could say it's a calling.

Sometimes I feel like I've taken a vow of celibacy.

I took a solemn vow before God too.

I promised to love, honour and obey.

I gained so much - this castle, servants and

all of the respect and admiration

that suits a lady of my birth.

I was the eldest child - my parents did not know

that they would have my brother after me

being advanced in years when I was born.

And so I was taught to think, to shoot, to write

to manage an estate: my parents planned

to make me their inheritor!

But then my brother Edmund was born.

And do not think that I do not love him, or that I am

ungrateful for these things that I've gained.

A husband well respected, gallant, strong

advancing into the world, as he withdraws from me.

But I...

Some days I feel the lack

of that which I have lost, most principally

the future I imagined for myself.

I am a wife. Now just a wife.

Nay, no, not 'just, ' I do not mean to make it small.

It is a joy, it is a duty, I am blessed.

And yet...

It's tough when people see you only in relation to men.

Yes! That is what I mean, those are the words!

I read Protagoras - for I can read.

He wrote, 'Man is the measure of all things.'

But why 'man, ' why not 'woman?' Why say 'man?'

When hast thou seen a smith or a carpenter

decrease in skill by practising his craft?

Why then do men insult the work of God

claiming all heavenly attributes for Adam

and leaving none for Eve, His second made?

Was Athena the lesser for her sex?

Hippolyta not roused by that same Sun as Hercules?

Would Cleopatra's reign have been more golden still

had she possessed that which she lacked?

Yes!

Oh sorry, not 'yes' as in it would have been better

'yes' as in, yeees!

It's tough. Like, I guess women in the 14...

Women now... Don't have loads of options.

Like, you can think all that stuff and say all that stuff

but you still do sort of have to get married.

And it does have to be to a man.

Yeah, knowing your situation is cool

and I don't think you're bad or sinful or whatever

for feeling frustrated.

But yeah, you can't just fix the world

by changing your attitude.

I guess that's what I'm trying to say.

It's a bit of a fucking shitter, innit?

It's a bit of a fucking shitter, innit?

Hah! I like the way thou speak'st.

Yes! it's interesting.

It's less... What am I trying to say?

Always have to...

Well, there is much to do

much to attend.

I thank thee for thy sympathetic ear

and I charge thee, on thy order

do not to speak to any other of what I confessed.

Keep thou my words in total secrecy

as if I spake them in that sacrament.

Be like a priest, be like a lesbian!

Like a priest, got it. Um...

Yeah, I'm not gonna tell anyone.

Go to thy duties then. And me to mine.

Come, show me the map.

Oh heck.

Let's carve up land!

I have divided England equally.

All land from Trent and Severn hitherto -

by south and east to Mortimer is assign'd.

All westward, Wales beyond the Severn shore

to Owen Glendower: brother, to you

the remnant northward, lying off from Trent

which someday you will hand down to your son.

So our indentures tripartite are drawn

which being sealèd interchangeably

tomorrow we set forth to Shrewsbury

where we shall gather together tenants, friends

and neighbouring gentlemen into one power.

And after that, alea iacta est!

The die is cast and we shall win or lose.

Which nobles likely head the king's forces?

The Earl of Stafford, and of Westmorland

perhaps Prince John.

Perhaps the Prince of Wales?

I hope he drinks his courage deep enough to face me!

Has he given you some offence?

His every step, his every word offends

in breathing, nay, in looking he offends.

His cringing, whinging nature breeds...

Lord Hotspur, um sorry to interrupt. Can I've a word?

Verily it 'tis important.

See to it that you do return him straight!

Thou hast thy audience: what is the news?

Uh, hello?

You met me at Holmedon Hill, then in London?

I'm the girl from Framlingham.

Okay, I shook your hand and something happened.

I think we might be connected, maybe

- because we're both... - Go to!

Do not approach me, get thee hence!

I just need to speak to you.

I care not who thou art or whence thou came

but get thee back there with expedience.

Thy face portends unwelcome happenings.

Strange sights and painful shocks

I say go to!

- I'm trying to go to. - I'm going and I'm to-ing!

I thought maybe you'd like to go too?

I have a kingdom that I must o'erturn.

A mission to fulfil, a crown to win!

But your Dad keeps calling you his son.

An-and your uncle calls you his nephew.

Your wife calls you her... Husband. Do you...

Do you really not know?

Know what?

- There you are, sugarspice. - Found you at last!

Where the bloody hell have you been?

Oh, we got caught on opposite sides of a transition.

Too right.

Look, what's supposed to happen in this scene?

Ah, thank you.

Looks like the rebels are planning the attack.

Hotspur and Worcester do some negotiating.

Kate comes in, they have another argument

and then

that's it, we're into the interval.

Why is Douglas here, he's not in this scene?

And where are Mortimer and Glendower?

I don't know, I don't even know who Mortimer

and Glendower even are.

What did you do?

Nothing! Nothing, I didn't do any...

Give me that map!

Oh no, no, no! This is all wrong!

Mortimer and Glendower are supposed to be here!

Glendower has to exit and then come back on with Kate.

With...

All right. Well, we can skip

- this part, come on. - No, Sam! Just watch this.

Come on.

Good morrow, wife.

Good morrow, my husband.

I feared you would not deign to meet us here

for what I said and how I spoke to you.

Such warring words are poor ground indeed

to build a marriage on't.

I know none else.

Forgive me that I said I loved thee not

and called thee trifler, and raised my voice.

I hear thy heartfelt plea, my noble lord

and it has pierced my woman's breast as if...

Uh, I feel like I'm supposed to forgive you

but I don't want to.

I gave up who I was to become your wife.

That wasn't trifling.

But I don't want to look at the things I left behind.

I want to look at the things we could have, together.

I am most moved by your words, good my wife

and I...

Fuck it! Um...

I'm really sorry.

I'm really, really, really sorry.

And...

I love you.

I love you too.

Did you feel that?

I did!

I think I've felt this way once before

when I met this girl, up at Holmedon.

Did you kiss her too?

No! No, I... I shook her hand.

When was this?

It was months ago.

Although it feels like it wasn't that long?

Do you know something weird?

I don't know how I got here.

I was just in Alnwick, and now I'm here.

But you don't remember the journey?

- No! - Neither do I!

I went from Holemdon to Alnwick to London and now Wales

but I don't think I've spent any time on the road

or if I have, then I don't remember it.

What was that?

Do you know something else?

When I was in London, I thought my father

looked exactly like King Henry...

They do look similar!

No no no, like they had the same face.

I didn't even recognise my Dad at first.

Ah! What's this?

I've never seen this before!

I think something's wrong here?

So do I. And do you know what else?

I feel like we're being watched.

I've just had a thought.

Here we are, planning to overthrow Henry Bolingbroke

and install Edmund Mortimer as King

but have either of you ever stopped to ask like...

Why we even have a hereditary monarchy in the first place?

I've just had a thought as well.

I wonder if my military offensives

over the last several years

although profitable in the short-term

have perhaps contributed

to a decreasing geopolitical stability in the border region

that actually hampers my long-term goals?

See, I think I'd have more success

pursuing a more cooperative and peaceful foreign policy

rather than one which requiring constant military victory

and which relies so heavily on projecting an image

of toxic masculinity.

My lords, my Lady Katherine, your beds are ready for you!

♪ Look, the hour grows late.

Will you come in?

Tomorrow you must ride for Shrewsbury

and you shall need your strength

if you are to repair those grievous wrongs

that Henry Bolingbroke has done you all.

Indeed, well said, good knight.

Let's all to bed.

This heavy business must have dulled my mind

for I was briefly carried quite away

by philosophic contemplation.

But there are many real things to attend!

Indeed!

Shortly we shall rush unto the field

all harnessed with our weapons borne aloft!

O what a glorious victory we shall win!

Somewhere King Henry watches that same sun

and in its slow descent foresees his fall

for sure he knows he shall not see it rise

more than a dozen times again in life.

I shall see my son rise to topple him.

I am no sun.

I am the moon, reflecting but a light you shine on me.

Not so, the country's eyes do look to thee.

In all the towns we pass through the men cry out

'It's Harry Hotspur!' Not Northumberland.

I heard it rumoured that the Prince of Wales

fled straight to France the moment thou rode out!

He does not have a reputation

for great prowess in military scenes.

Indeed.

In truth, I pity his father.

The Prince of Wales cancels all filial bonds

by heaping ignominy on himself

and I am sure his father takes it hard.

To lose a child to war or accident

or any deadly shock, that is a hell

that I pray thou wilt never fall into.

But losing a child because they bring you shame

must be a deeper still infernal pit.

The shameful child reminds one

of their transgression every day and in consequence

their face becomes a murder or a rape.

A violation written in that flesh

which once was smiling, bouncing in your arms

now unwelcome and unfamiliar.

One's mourning clothes are worn invisibly

for shame is hidden in the empty heart

and speaking shame aloud doth triple shame.

False smiles hiding tears fill up all the days

until, I am told, by most unfortunate friends

the parent wishes their own child were dead.

I am proud of thee, Harry

I thank God thou art my son.

I am relieved

to see a bloom of strength and fortitude

in thee that in myself I have felt fading

as my own sun sets.

- Dad... - I will not always be here.

None can choose the hour which they must depart this life.

Before we ride for Shrewsbury I will sign

the deeds of thy inheritance.

Thy name shall be inscribed and thou shalt take possession

of all legal property, including Alnwick Castle

and its grounds

that our great ancestors, and thy father

have handed down the ages for thy hands.

I make an early gift of this to thee.

What happens at the end?

Give that back! You don't know what you're doing!

What happens at the end of "Henry IV" Part One?

Though yet of Hamlet our dear brother's death

the memory be green, and that it us befitted

to bear our hearts in grief and our whole kingdom

to be contracted as one brow of woe

yet so far hath discretion fought with nature

that we with wisest sorrow think on him

together with remembrance of ourselves.

Therefore our sometime sister

now our queen

have we, as 'twere with a defeated joy

with mirth in funeral and with dirge in marriage

taken to wife.

Nor have we herein barr'd your better wisdoms

which have freely gone with this affair along.

For all, our thanks.

Now follows, that you know, young Fortinbras

holding a weak supposal of our worth

or thinking by our late dear brother's death

our state to be disjoint

and out of frame

colleaguèd with the dream of his advantage

he hath not failed to pester us with message

importing the surrender of those lands

lost by his father, with all bonds of law

to our most valiant brother.

So much for him.

Oh Christ!

Now for ourself

and for this time of meeting

thus much the business is: we have here writ

to Norway, uncle of Fortinbras

who, impotent and bed-rid, scarcely hears

of this his nephew's purpose - to suppress

his further gait herein; in that the levies

lists and full proportions

are all made

- out of his subject... - Give me the map.

- And we here dispatch... - Give me the map.

- You, good Cornelius... - Give me the map.

- Our loyal friend... - Give me the map.

For bearer of this greeting to old Norway

giving to you no further personal power

to business with the king more than the scope

of these delated articles allow.

Farewell...

Give me the map!

And let your haste...

Give me the map, give me the map!

Commend your duty.

Give me the map! Give me the map!

In that and all things I will show my duty.

We doubt it nothing: heartily farewell!

And now, Laertes, what is the news with you?

You told us of some suit; what is't, Laertes?

Your leave and favour to return to France

- from whence... - Give it! Give it!

Though willingly I came to Denmark...

To show my duty

in your coronation, yet now, I must confess, that duty done

my thoughts and wishes bend again toward France

and bow them to your gracious leave...

Give me the map!

Have you your father's leave?

He hath, my lord: wrung from me my slow leave.

I do beseech you, give him leave to go.

Take thy fair hour

Laertes; time be thine

and thy best graces use it at thy will!

And now, Hamlet, our cousin, and our son

how is it that the clouds still hang on you?

Not so, my lord; I am too much I'the sun.

Good Hamlet, cast thy nighted colour off.

Thou know'st 'tis common; all that lives must die.

Passing through nature to eternity.

Ay, madam

it is common.

If it be, why seems it so particular with thee?

Seems, madam! nay it is; I know not 'seems.'

'Tis not alone my inky cloak, good mother

together with all forms, moods, shapes of grief

that can denote me truly: these indeed seem

for they are actions that a man might play.

But I have that within which passeth show.

These but the trappings and the suits of woe.

For your intent in going back to school in Wittenberg

it is most retrograde to our desire.

And we beseech you, bend you to remain

here, in the cheer and comfort of our eye

our chiefest courtier, cousin, and son.

Let not thy mother lose her prayers, Hamlet.

I pray you, stay with us; go not to Wittenberg.

I shall in all my best obey you, madam.

Why, 'tis a loving and a fair reply.

Be as ourself in Denmark.

Madam, come.

O, that this too too solid flesh would melt

thaw and resolve itself into a dew.

Or that the Everlasting had not fix'd

His canon 'gainst self-slaughter.

O God.

God!

How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable

seem to me all the uses of this world!

Whoa. Moood.

Fie on't! ah fie!

'Tis an unweeded garden, that grows to seed.

Things rank and gross in natur...

Ow! What the fuck!

Sorry! Hi.

Do you remember me?

I am glad to see you well!

Horatio!

Or I do forget myself!

Oh bloody hell.

But what, in faith, make you from Wittenberg?

I didn't come from chuffing Wittenberg.

I'm from Framlingham!

Look, my name is Jen, okay? We spoke about 20 minutes ago.

And I've come here. I've come here to

tell you something really important...

I pray thee, do not mock me, fellow-student.

I think it was to see my mother's wedding.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Thrift, thrift, Horatio!

The funeral baked meats

did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables!

My father!

Methinks I see my father.

Where?

In my mind's eye, Horatio.

Okay, right, let me save you about five hours here.

Hm, your Dad's dead, your uncle killed him.

Oh! Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are wronguns

don't be mean to Ophelia

don't stab anyone through a curtain

uh, watch out for the Norwegians

and stay away from fencing tournaments.

Now this place, this world? It's not what you think it is.

And you're not who you think you are.

Look, I know this gonna sound unbelievable

but I think you're really...

Hail to your Lordship!

Marcellus, hello!

What make you from Wittenberg, my worthy friend?

A truant disposition, good my lord!

Oh, I would not hear your enemy say so

nor shall you do mine ear that violence

to truster your own report against yourself.

I know you are no truant.

What are you doing?

My lord, I came to see your father's funeral.

I saw him once; he was a goodly King.

He was a man, take him for all in all

I shall not look upon his like again.

Sorry, excuse me, Prince Hamlet

could I please borrow, um...

What's your name supposed to be?

Marcellus.

Can I borrow her? I'll bring her right back!

No!

What are you doing?

I'm trying to fix your bloody mess!

No, Sam, you said these characters are just antibodies.

They're not, she's trapped here just like us!

Don't pretend you have the slightest idea

what's going on down here

when 90 minutes ago you still believed

you were married to an Ancient Roman!

You need to sit down

and think about your behaviour, duck egg.

Everything was going fine up there until you broke it.

Now we've been kicked all the way down to the bottom!

So what?

Look, let's just tell her and we can all

find a way out together.

The only way out is back up there

at the end of "Henry IV" Part One

which we now can't get to

because one of the major characters

is having an identity crisis!

You're lucky we ended up in "Hamlet."

If we'd fallen into "Titus Andronicus"

we could have been baked into pies!

I checked the map. I know what happens to her at the end.

Well nothing happens now

because you've derailed the whole thing!

What's meant to happen is Prince Hal

proves himself worthy of the crown

by saving his father's life and defeating Harry Hotspur.

She dies!

Hotspur ends up as the tragic foil

for Prince Hal's transformation...

But she dies!

Dies nobly.

Dies giving a beautiful speech

about time and life and honour.

Would you take that away?

Would you say, 'Hey, actually, all those things

you think you did, all those accomplishments

that was all a lie.

Those people that love you, they don't really love you

they just love this character you're performing.'

Do you think it's right

to inflict that kind of knowledge on someone?

To rip them out of their life?

Cheat them out of their death?

They are here because they want to be.

Do you? Do you want to be stuck down here

like one of these dead-eyed zombie cunts?

I've been down here a long time.

A really, really fucking long time.

And I need to get out.

I wasn't Cleopatra.

When I woke up in "Antony and Cleopatra" I wasn't Cleopatra.

I was Messenger Number 7.

I had one line in Act III.

'The emperor calls Canidius.'

That was my whole character. My whole world, one line.

It's not even ten syllables.

Even if you really milk 'emperor' it's still only nine.

I said that line until I was sick to death of it.

I wanted to bash my brains out or jump off a building.

I was so, so, tired of being a minor character.

You at least got to be Portia.

You got to stand up there being beautiful

and clever and have loads of lines, it...

It broke my heart.

One line was all of everything I ever got.

Until one night I realised

I'm bigger than this!

And I deserve to have a bit of recognition

and self determination in life, don't I?

I worked hard to get that map

and to get you out, and now...

I don't have anything left to give anymore.

I'm sorry.

Sam, I-I'm sorry, I got caught up in it.

Okay, let's go.

It might not be too late.

Maybe you can still get up there and get to that door.

Okay?

Yeah.

Prince Hamlet?

Um, I'm sorry to have interrupted.

I just thought maybe you'd like to come with us

rather than stay here.

To be

or not to be

that is the question.

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune

or to

take arms against a sea of troubles

and by opposing end them?

To die: to sleep.

No more.

And by a sleep to say we end

the heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks

that flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation

devoutly to be wish'd.

To die, to sleep.

To sleep: perchance to dream.

Ay, there's the rub.

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come

when we have shuffled off this mortal coil

must give us pause: there's the respect

that makes calamity of so long life.

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time

to grunt and sweat

under a weary life

but that the dread of something after death

which makes us rather bear those ills we have

than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all

and thus the native hue of resolution

is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought

and enterprises of great pith and moment

with this regard their currents turn awry

and lose the name of action.

Harry?

Kate?

Thy uncle charged me that I bring thee this.

He bids thee put on thy armour at once.

Your powers are arranged at Shrewsbury

and soon King Henry's army will be here.

Wait...

I just said that because I'm supposed to.

I don't know how I got here, or how you got here.

Harry, what's going on?

It's okay.

You've been dreaming.

I'll tell you what you need to do.

Give me that, then get on a horse and ride back to Alnwick.

I don't even know how to ride a horse.

There's none back there anyway!

Of course you do, how else did you get here?

I don't know!

I don't know.

I don't remember anything except when I'm with you.

My whole life just exists just to facilitate you!

Something's wrong, don't you remember that conversation

we had at Alnwick and that noise?

It was just a dream.

Give me that and ride home, Kate.

Are you even listening to me? Stop ordering me around!

That is thy role! That is thy calling, Kate!

It is what God and Nature hath assigned.

It is not Woman's place to give commands.

It is not Woman's place to rule thyself.

I would be softer with thee if I could

but this our war is forged of swords and mail.

No weakness nor no womanly gentleness

can we allow to creep into our hearts

and so thou must away.

Thou must.

Just go!

Fine.

It's impossible to be around you

when you're like this anyway.

I don't know how I've ever managed to tolerate it.

Love, I suppose.

I love you.

One of you: the one who actually communicates.

But this one

I'd rather walk into that darkness

and find my way through than stay here with you.

Look at me! You've cut me in two as well.

I'm discarding the Kate that's been acting as your spinoff.

I'm throwing her away.

And so I say goodbye

and I say good luck

but I'm saying it to other Harry

because this character that I'm looking at right now

other Kate might have loved you, but I don't.

Good morrow, nephew!

I just saw thy Kate come by me

with her eyes all veiled in tears.

I sent her home.

Her woman's heart did break in being parted from me

but t'was right.

My heart doth burn to charge into the field!

The red hot breath of action roars in me!

Five hundred Cheshire yeoman have we, yes?

We shall arrange them up by Harlescott

Better to look down upon the field

and rain their missiles on King Henry's power!

The cavalry from Wales...

Yea, yea, but first...

This letter comes from old Northumberland.

A letter from him. Why comes he not himself?

He cannot come: he says he is grievous sick.

I prithee, tell me, doth he keep his bed?

He did, his rider said, four days ago

and at the time of his departure thence

he was much feared by his physicians.

We must amend our plans: I say withdraw.

Yet all goes well, yet all our joints are whole!

I loath to crush that Spring in you, my lord

with further winter words but here's further news.

The Earl of Westmoreland, seven thousand strong

is marching hitherwards; with him Prince John.

No harm: what more?

And further, I have learn'd

the king himself in person is set forth

with strong and mighty preparation!

He shall be welcome too.

Where is his son, that nimble-footed madcap Prince of Wales

and his comrades?

All furnish'd, all in arms.

All plumed like estridges that with the wind

baited like eagles having lately bathed.

Glittering in golden coats, like images

as full of spirit as the month of May

and gorgeous as the sun...

Let them come on: they come like sacrifices in their trim

and to the fire-eyed maid of smoky war

all hot and bleeding will we offer them!

We'll fight with him tonight.

Good nephew, be advised; we must withdraw!

You speak but out of fear and a cold heart.

Do me no slander, Douglas: by my life

I hold as little counsel with weak fear

as you my lord, or any man that lives!

The number of the king exceedeth ours.

For God's sake nephew, we must withdraw!

Thy father's sickness is a maim to us

a perilous gash, a very limb lopped off.

Before we rode from Bangor father gave

all deeds and rights of my inheritance to me.

All powers and authority.

He trusted me to be our family.

I am the latest in that line of sons

that stretcheth back through centuries long gone.

Each drop of blood in me doth bear that debt.

I'll play the part of old Northumberland

and you shall see his manly strength in me

reflected as a blade reflects the sun.

My Lord of Worcester, is this not Hotspur?

Why doubt you his prowess in leading us?

Have you no pride in him? Have you no faith?

If Hotspur says that we can win this fight

then I shall stand beside him and not quail.

Pray, do not take my caution as a sign

that I am not proud of thee.

I am. Thy life has run by in so small a span.

Why I recall, but yesterday it seems

a little boy who stood not three feet high

and could not mount his horse.

I picked him up, I sat him in the saddle, gave him reigns.

He galloped off.

And now he has returned

though I and that boy both have been transformed

by time, and I see now

thou art a man.

Your love doth make me twice the man I am.

And if I fall, so falls the man you know

with all these honours you bestow intact.

How now, my rebel lords!

It is not well that you and I should meet upon such terms

as now we meet.

You have deceived our trust

making us doff the easy robes of peace

to crush our old limbs in ungentle steel.

It is not well, my lords, it is not well.

For mine own part, I could be well content

to entertain the lag-end of my life

with quiet hours; for I do protest

I have not sought the day of this dislike.

You have not sought it? Hah!

How comes it then?

It pleased your majesty to turn your looks

of favour from myself and all our house!

If Hotspur's good deserts have been forgot

we bid you name your griefs and with all speed

you shall have your desires with interest

and pardon absolute for yourself and these

herein misled by your suggestion.

Do not believe this snake, this King of smiles

who knows but how to promise, not to pay!

This must be Douglas, Scotland's hairy thane

though out of orbit, Heaven knows you're further south

than he has a right to be!

Your majesty should check the map again.

Put muzzles on your dog before he bites

or you shall answer to the

crown for him.

We gave you that same royalty you wear.

And when you were not six and twenty strong

sick in the world's regard, wretched and low

my father gave you welcome to the shore.

And when the lords and barons of the realm

perceived Northumberland did lean to you

the more and less came in with cap and knee!

In short time after, you deposed the king.

Soon after that, deprived him of his life.

Disgraced me in my happy victories

rated mine uncle from the council-board.

In rage dismissed my father from the court.

Broke oath on oath, committed wrong on wrong

and in conclusion drove us to seek out

this head of safety; and withal to pry

into your title, the which we find

too indirect for long continuance!

These things indeed you have articulate

with some fine colour that may please the eye

to face the garment of rebellion.

In both our armies there is many a soul

shall pay full dearly for this encounter

if once they join in trial.

Therefore Hotspur: I do not think a braver gentleman

more active-valiant or more valiant-young

more daring or more bold, is now alive.

For my part, I may speak it to my shame

I have a truant been to chivalry

yet this before my father's majesty

I will, to save the blood on either side

try fortune with you in a single fight.

You cannot offer this in earnestness.

Presume not that I am the thing I was

for God doth know, so shall the world perceive

that I have turn'd away my former self.

In thy image I now create my life.

An image, nothing more, a thin shadow

a mere player dressing as a man.

So much art thou, a fake, a counterfeit!

I'll rip thy honour from thee at the root!

I'll drag thee 10 times round the walls of Troy

and make a trophy of thy battered corpse!

♪ This quarrel lies not just

on your heads alone.

Therefore, I say

to arms!

Sound every drum!

Rebuke and dread correction wait on us!

We offered fair, yet now we'll set on you

and God befriend us, as our cause is just!

To arms, gentlemen, to arms and steel yourselves!

Raugh!

It's close!

The doorway's close, we're almost there!

Hold up thy head, vile Scot, or thou art like

never to hold it up again.

It is the Prince of Wales that threatens thee!

The Douglas is pursued!

Nay, 'tis not him!

It is, I saw him through the smoke, it is!

Our allies need our aid, come, mount your horse!

Nay, where is Hal? Where is the Prince of Wales?

I saw him even now! The Prince must die!

Your rivalry can wait, they need our help!

Without it I am nothing!

Go, I'll stay, and if I cannot find him I will come.

Hal!

This is it!

Get out of here!

We can't stay, it's too dangerous!

This is the spot!

- There's nothing here! - Sam, we have to leave!

This is where the doorway will be!

Go to! I'll cut you down!

I say go to!

But this is where you die!

I know where I'm supposed to be!

Girl, I don't think you do!

We've made it.

We've made it!

Who are they?

People.

Real people!

Hi. I'm Sam.

What's your name?

Angie.

Angie! Hi Angie!

I'll see you on the other side, Angie!

Come on!

I'm coming home!

Are you coming?

Where?

Out.

No!

Why not? She did it.

My father, my uncle, Kate

my whole life is here.

It's just a performance.

Prince Hal. Prince Hal is here, I have to...

It's just a performance.

It's your line.

If I mistake not, thou art Harry Monmouth.

Thou speak'st as if I would deny my name.

My name...

My name is Harry Hotspur!

No. No no no, wait, please...

I am a son, I am a nephew

I... Am princely

I am mighty.

I am loved. And I am happy!

Nay, do not shake thy head

I say I am the happiest man on earth

for I have all that men could ever wish!

Go thou thy ways, foul thing, and nevermore I beg thee

nevermore to visit me.

I say again I am the happiest man!

I'll find you. You look out for me next time.

But we will go together. I will find you...

I am the Prince of Wales

and think not, Percy

to share with me in glory any more.

Two stars keep not their motion in one sphere

nor can one England brook a double reign

of Harry Hotspur and the Prince of Wales.

Nor shall it, Harry; for the hour is come

to end the one of us; and would to God

thy name and glory were now as great as mine.

I'll make it greater ere I part from thee

and with the budding honours on thy crest

I'll crop, to make a garland for my head!

Raaaugh!

You have a speech now.

You're supposed to give a beautiful speech about honour

and pride and death.

And then you go out nobly, and I get to be magnanimous.

Thus ever did rebellion find rebuke.

When that this body did contain a spirit

a kingdom for it was too small a bound.

But now

two paces of the vilest earth

is room enough: this earth that bears it dead

bears not alive so stout a gentleman.

Well done, my boy.

I am proud of thee at last.

No, foolish thing...

Lay on...

Lay on ya wee and scrawny thing...

Do you not love me...

So shaken as we are, so wan with care

find we a time for frighted peace to pant

and breathe short-winded accents of new broils

to be commenced in strands afar remote.

No more the thirsty entrance of this soil

shall daub her lips with her own children's blood.

Nor more shall trenching war channel her fields

nor bruise her flowerets with the armèd hoofs

of hostile paces: those opposèd eyes

which, like the meteors of a troubled heaven

all of one nature, of one substance bred

did lately meet in the intestine shock

and furious close of civil butchery

shall now, in mutual well-beseeming ranks

march all one way

and be no more opposed

against acquaintance, kindred

and allies.

The edge of war, like an ill-sheathèd knife

no more shall cut his master.

Therefore, friends, as far as to the

sepulchre of Christ

forthwith a power of English shall we levy

whose arms were moulded in their mothers' wombs

to chase those pagans from those holy fields.

But this our purpose now is 12 month old

and bootless 'tis to tell you we will go.

Therefore we meet not now.

Then let me hear from you, most valued loyal friend

what yesternight our council did decree

in forwarding this dear expedience.

My liege, this haste was hot in question

and many limits of the charge set down

but yesternight: when all athwart there came

a post from Scotland, leaden with grave news.

Harry Hotspur, or so you call her

fought valiantly against the Earl of Douglas.

Because war makes men of us

or so she'd been told

and her father loved her for it.

Raugh!

Raugh!

Lay on!

Lay on ya wee and scrawny thing

I've fought grandmothers with more strength than ye!

Raugh!

Raugh!

And she wasn't alone.

She had Prince Hal with her

who had trudged all the way from London

to see if he could kill a part of himself

as easily as Hotspur killed Scots.

Yea, there thou makest me sad

and makest me sin in envy

that my Lord Northumberland

should be the father to so blest a child

a...

daughter

who is the theme of honour's tongue.

Whi-whi-whilst I, by looking on the praise of...

see riot and dishonour stain the brow of my young worry.

I mean Harry.

I worry.

I don't want him to miss out

on everything I've set aside for him.

On your feet, Prince Hal.

- These wars make men of us. - Are you a man?

A spent one.

O that it could be proved

that some night-tripping fairy

had exchanged Northumberland's child with mine

when they were born

then would I have his Harry, and he mine.

I don't mean that.

My boy. I don't mean that.

Are you Northumberland or Henry?

I'm Dad?

I'm Dad!

Where are we?

Hi!

Do any of you recognise this?

Hey.

Hey, hey!

I'm really sorry I'm late.

The train it just decided to stop in Hayward's Heath

for 15 minutes for absolutely no fucking reason.

Bloody Thameslink, hey?

How are you?

I'm good, how are you... oh! Oh.

You're looking well.

Yea... thanks! Yeah.

Good to see you.

Could have picked a nicer day for it mind.

Yeah, yeah, the Boardwalk's usually really nice in summer.

I guess the cold weather's still clinging on.

Yeah, the weather those couple of days last week though

when it was gorgeous, but yeah, I guess winter's back now.

So you've been up to anything?

Um, yeah. I'm all over.

I'm London based

but I've just got back from Belize last week.

- Belize? - Yeah!

It's gorgeous, I went on this huge hike to this huge lake

called Five Blues, 'cause it's got five rivers

running into it, and then some howler monkeys

chucked poo at me.

I thought that was made up but it turns out wild monkeys

actually really do throw shit at you.

It was fine! I just washed it off in the lake.

Well, I don't think I could do that.

Where else have you been?

All over, um...

I did the Caribbean first, as soon as I got out

and got my life together.

And I really needed some sun

so I got a job on a cruise ship, believe it or not!

Really?

Yeah! Really interesting people.

Quite a lot like us actually.

We had a little on-board community.

Yeah, there was this one girl from Glasgow

who'd been stuck inside "The Taming of the Shrew"

and this Dutch guy who'd played Duke Frederick

in "As You Like It"

and um, oh!

One of the chefs had recently escaped from a dimension

that was entirely "Phantom of the Opera."

Just "Phantom of the Opera?"

No "Cats" or "Jesus Christ Superstar" or...

Apparently not, no.

Apparently there's no interconnected

Lloyd-Weber-verse down there, it's just "Phantom."

For 35 years.

What about you?

Oh yeah, I'm good. I'm um, I'm directing a play.

Yeah, in Brighton. At the Brighton Fringe.

Yeah, yeah.

No.

No, sorry. That was a lie.

I just um...

I came here.

That's nice. Peaceful.

The seaside?

Yeah, it's tough.

It's like... Now what, y'know?

I'm really glad to see you again.

Thank you for reaching out.

Of course.

I mean, it's whatever.

You got out; I got out. All's Well That Ends Well.

Do not talk to me like Shakespeare. Blegh!

Oh my god, sorry.

I genuinely didn't even realise I was doing it.

I got you a present actually.

Turn around.

Ta-dah!

It came in handy.

It's not magic anymore.

I just thought it might look cool on a shelf or something.

Well

thank you.

I'm meeting some old friends for lunch. Do you wanna come?

I'd better get ready for work.

You sure? What time's your shift?

Um, it's not till this evening but um...

I've still got some stuff to sort out in the flat, so.

Okay.

Yeah.

Well, good to see you, yeah?

Oh yeah.

I-I'll message you sometime

maybe next time you're in Brighton.

Okay. Yeah.

Yeah!

You take it easy, yeah?

Hey.

Hey gorgeous!

You're looking good, girl!

Thank you!

Where's the others?

They're just catching up. Is Sam coming?

Uh, no, I don't...

Oh, is she in?

Oh, no.

Did you give her the map back?

Yeah, I um... I invited her to come with us.

It does take some people a little bit longer.

Remember what Dad was like?

It's not your fault. You offered.

It is hard to get used to playing a new role, as it were.

That's life though, isn't it; that's everything.

All the world's a stage.