All language subtitles for Carol Burnett- 90 Years of Laughter + Love

-From AVALON Hollywood,

welcome to "Carol Burnett:
90 Years of Laughter + Love."

Tonight, the biggest stars
of stage, screen, and television

have gathered to celebrate

the one, the only,
the incomparable Carol Burnett

for an unforgettable evening
of comedy, music, and memories.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Steve Carell.

**

-Good evening,

and welcome to "Carol Burnett:
90 Years of Laughter + Love."

Tonight, you will see
an amazing gathering

of talented performers,
friends, and fans

from every generation,

except babies,

who are here
to celebrate the hilarious,

incredible, one-of-a-kind,

no-one-like-her Carol Burnett.

Over the next 17 hours,

we are going to enjoy
some of the funniest

and very best moments
of her career

in television, film,
and the Broadway stage.

People often ask me who were
my greatest comedy influences.

And as a kid growing up
in the '70s,

there were too many
to choose from.

Raymond Burr, Pat Nixon,
Johnny Mathis,

the woman from those
commercials who kept saying,

"Where's the beef?"

But let me tell you something.

Carol Burnett lands
a solid fifth on that list.

I know that you are
a very humble person

and that this all might be
kind of difficult for you.

And really all I can say is,

you got to brace yourself

because we are about
to lay it on really thick.

So, let's get started, shall we?

And I think
the best way to begin

is at the beginning.

-I began my life
in show business as a fan.

As a little girl,

there was nothing I loved more
than going to the movies

with my grandmother, Nanny,

and I just wanted to climb
into the screen and live there.

At UCLA, I was going
to major in journalism,

and they didn't have
a major in journalism.

So I looked in the catalog,

and I found
Theater Arts/English.

I didn't realize that,
as a freshman,

when you're in
the Theater Arts department,

you had to take
an acting course.

And I was terrified.

And I was in this class
with about 10 other students.

And I had to do a scene,

and they cracked up.

The students cracked up.

They laughed and all like that,

and I thought,
"This is a good feeling.

I think I want to pursue this."

The bug bit
when I heard the laughter.

I joined a musical-comedy
workshop at UCLA.

I remember I did a scene
from "Annie Get Your Gun."

And there was a tap
on my shoulder,

and it was this gentleman
and his wife.

He said,
"We really enjoyed you.

What do you want
to do with your life?"

And I said, "Well, someday
I want to go to New York."

And he said,
"Why aren't you there now?"

Well, we were --

We were not wealthy.

Let me put it this way.
We were poor.

So I had no money
to go to New York.

And I just said, "Well,
someday I hope I can save up

to be able to go."

And he said,
"I'll lend you the money.

"There are stipulations.

"You pay it back
within five years if you can,

"if you're successful.

"You must never reveal my name.

You must pay it forward
and help others out."

Well, that was my ticket
to New York.

**

-And hello, everyone.

I am Sheryl Lee Ralph.

And I just want to tell you,

Miss -- mmm! -- Carol Burnett,

look at you at 90,
looking like a snack.

Girl, I'm honored and I am happy

to be here this evening

to tell you that you changed

my 9-year-old life forever.

It was the '60s.

It was the '60s, people,

and you welcomed me
into that 12-inch box.

Yes, you did.

And I watched you welcome,
embrace

Sammy Davis Jr., Pearl Bailey,

Nancy Wilson -- the Black one --

Flip Wilson,

The Jackson 5.

You hugged them.
You kissed them.

You performed with them
on the stage.

And by seeing that,

you let me know
that I could become

the Sheryl Lee Ralph
that I am still becoming.

Ah.
You got your break on Broadway.

I got my break on Broadway.

It was "Dreamgirls" for me.

And for you, it was
"Once Upon a Mattress."

-Well, here I am.

Who's the lucky man?

-"Once Upon a Mattress"

was a big, huge break for me.

-* I've always been shy-y-y-y

* I confess that I'm shy-y-y-y

* Can't you guess
that this confident air *

* Is a mask that I wear
'cause I'm shy? *

-And then there was television.

-* When your car
is asked to stop *

* By a handsome traffic cop

* Lest you want
a ticket or two *

* Give them the ooh-la-la

-* I made a fool of myself

* Over John Foster Dulles

-The John Foster Dulles song
was written by Ken Welch,

who was my coach
and special material writer.

Now, for those of you
who don't remember,

John Foster Dulles
was the Secretary of State,

and he was aptly named.

He was dull.

Kenny wrote the song,

and then I was asked to go
on the Jack Paar show.

There was such a big reaction,
Jack had me come back.

And then Ed Sullivan
had me do it on Sunday.

So, three times that week,
I did the Dulles number.

Garry Moore had a variety show,

which was a very big hit,

and Martha Raye,

who was a brilliant comedienne,
was the guest,

but she came down with
a terrible case of bronchitis.

And Gary said,
"Can you come over

and be the guest
and replace Martha?"

Well, I ran over there
like Road Runner.

And Gary explained to the
audience there in the studio

that I had just come in
to do this,

and the audience
was very supportive.

Then, as a result, Bob Banner,
the executive producer,

asked me if I would want to be
a regular on Gary's show.

**

Fear not, Queenie!
Here I come!

**

-Here she is --
the one and only Lily Tomlin.

-Carol, I can't
tell you how many years

Jane Wagner, my partner,
and I have marveled

over your one-woman extravaganza
of humor and love.

And that has really blessed the
world throughout your career.

I, um -- I've got a story
about your impact on me

that I wanted to share.
-What's that?

When I was starting out
and had just been on "Laugh-In"

for two or three weeks,

I was over at the CBS lot,

where your iconic show
was filmed.

And I was totally rigid
with fear

that I would run into you

and you wouldn't know
who I was, either.

And I heard your voice
in the hall.

And I -- It was --

I didn't have time enough
to fake my own death, so --

so I just, uh --

I -- We literally
bumped into each other.

And I heard you saying,

"Lily Tomlin, one ringy dingy,
two ringy dingys."

You absolutely knew
who I was, and you --

-Well, yes.
-And you knew --

I'd only been on the air
a couple of weeks

or three weeks or something.

And you were so kind
and so generous to me.

And you talked to me
for a long time.

And you gave me all the
confidence in the world.

Carol -- That is --
You are, Carol, right?

The love that we're
all showing you here tonight

is small payback
for all the love

you've shown us
through the years.

**

-Coming up, Kristin Chenoweth
and Bernadette Peters

celebrate Carol and her best
chum, Julie Andrews.

Then later, Amy Poehler, Cher,

-Well, hello there.
It's Dolly.

And I want to be among
all the wonderful people

and all the many people
that are gonna say

happy 90th birthday to Carol.

* Happy birthday to you

**

-Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Kristin Chenoweth
and Bernadette Peters.

-Back in the day,
as a die-hard Carol fan,

I would just get so excited

when her specials
were about to happen

because everybody wanted
to take the stage with Carol --

Robin Williams,
Lucille Ball, Dolly Parton,

just to name a few.

-One of my favorites
was her special

with an amazing opera star,

the legendary Beverly Sills.

I think I must have watched
"Sills and Burnett at the Met"

like a thousand times.

-We wore these jerseys

for you people up there
and up there and up there

so that you could tell us apart.

-Beverly Sills --
her nickname was "Bubbles."

She had the greatest
personality.

It was one of the greatest
experiences I've ever had.

-The only difference
between us is one little octave.

-One octave?
-Eight little notes.

-You're kidding.
That's it? Really?

That's the only difference
between our voices,

eight little no-- one octave?
-One octave.

-So, what's the big deal?

**

* We're only an octave apart

* Eight little steps
on the musical line *

* Eight little steps
between your pipes and mine *

* Only an octave apart

-* We-e-e're

* Only an octave apart

* Eight little steps
on the musical line *

* Eight little steps
between your pipes *

* And mi-i-i-ne

* Only an octave apart

**

-* My F is here

-* My F is here

-* My A is here

-* My A is here

-* My D is here

-* My D is he-e-e-e-re

* Ha ha

-* Ha-ha

-* Ha-ah, ha ha

-* Ah, ah, ahhhhhhh

-* Ha ha-a
-* Ha ha-a

-* Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
-* Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha

-* Ha, ha, ha, ha
-* Ha, ha, ha, ha

-* Ha, ha
-* Ha, ha

-* We're only an octave apart
-* We're only an octave apart

-* Eight little steps
-* Eight little steps

-* On the musical line
-* On the musical line

-* Eight little steps
-* Eight little steps

-* Between your pipes and mine
-* Between your pipes and mine

-* Only an octave
-* Only an octave

-* Only an octave
-* Only an octave

-* One teensy-weensy
-* One teensy-weensy

-* Eensy-beensy little octave
-* Eensy-beensy little octave

You are the
highest singer I've ever met.

-And you are the lowest.

-* Apa-a-a-a-rt
-* Apa-a-a-a-rt

I love you.
-Ah.

Before we go any further,
we want to give a shout-out

to our music director,
John McDaniel,

and our incredible
19-piece orchestra.

Bravo!

-There were so many great
Carol Burnett specials,

but the most
legendary Carol specials

were shared with her dear,
dear friend,

her pal, her chum,
Miss Julie Andrews.

-Julie and I never shut up
talking to each other.

It was like we had known
each other from the get-go.

So, the idea was born
that Julie and I

should do a special together.

And so we wound up doing three.

You are heaven!

You know what you are?
You're cotton candy.

You're Christmas!
You're carnivals!

-What?
-You're a little girl

in her first prom dress,

on her first date,
all dressed up,

tripping down the stairs
with stars in her eye.

-You're hay rides.
You're -- You're Halloween.

You're firecrackers
on the 4th of July.

You're a little child
at his first ballgame

waving his pennant
in the breeze.

Um...you're our boys overseas!

To do something on purpose,

you would have
to do something like, um...

that.

-I've never seen anyone work
as hard as Julie does.

Simply maintaining that accent
is an enormous accomplishment.

**

-I think you are
the most wonderful performer

in the whole universe.

-Alright.
You got one more chance.

-Oh! Thank you!

**

You like a little...?

**

-I hate this instrument.

-So-o-o we'll be partners *
-So-o-o we'll be partners *

* Just like hot dogs
and mustard *

-* A twosome, a duet
-* A twosome, a duet

-* We'll be buddies
-* We'll be buddies

-* Just like
Huntley and Brinkley *

* We're
-* Andrews

-* And Burnett

-Wherever we go, we belong *
-Wherever we go, we belong *

-* We belong
-* We belong

-* We belong togethe-e-e-r
-* We belong togethe-e-e-r

-We really wanted to dedicate
a song to Carol and Julie

that pays tribute
to their talent

and their 60-plus-year
friendship.

-And what better song
for two old friends

than the classic "Old Friends,"

written by their close friend
Stephen Sondheim?

-* Hey, old friend

* Are you okay, old friend?

* What do you say, old friend?

* Are we or aren't we unique?

-* Time goes by

* Everything else
keeps changing *

* You and I

* We get continued next week

-* Most friends fade

* Or they don't
make the grade *

* New ones are quickly made =

* And in a pinch,
sure, they'll do *

* But us, old friends

* What's to discuss,
old friends? *

* New friends pour
through the revolving door *

* Maybe there's one
that's more *

* If you find one, that'll do

* But us, old friends

* What's to discuss,
old friends? *

* Here's to you

* Who's like you?

* Damn fe-e-e-w

-Aww.

I know!

Old chum.

Thank you, ladies,
on behalf of both of us, right?

Yeah. What huge
memories that brought back.

I mean, that tea party sketch,

when we were smashing things
all over each other,

was such ridiculous fun.

And what makes --
-You had fun.

- Yeah.
- Well, you did to start with.

Yes, you did.
What makes me smile

is that both of us
just sat there and took it all.

I mean, we took the punishment.

I liken it to sort of
being Laurel and Hardy.

They used to just sit there
and have it happen.

I cannot believe
that it's been 62 years,

if not more, I think,
since we first met, chum.

-Yes, it was.
-Yeah, yeah.

And it's gone by so fast,
it's been ridiculous.

Since then,
we've shared the stage

on three delicious
television specials,

we've appeared together
from time to time,

we've had so many dinners,
shared so many phone calls,

and we've gone from landlines
to cellphones to texts.

And, oh, have we laughed
along the way.

We've shared confidences.

And so often you've been
the one I've called

when times were rough and I
needed a shoulder to cry on.

I can't imagine anywhere

that I would rather be
than here beside you tonight.

And I'm thrilled to be here.

And I love you very,
very much, my dear chum.

**

-Up next, Amy Poehler audience
questions, Carol Burnett-style.

-Carol, getting to turn
90 and in great health --

what a powerful testimony
for living strong,

living well,
living with laughter.

Thank you for all the joy

you've brought to all of us
all these years.

-Can we turn up the lights
so we can talk to the audience?

before we get --

Are there any questions
you might -- Yes?

-I wrote a small poem about you
I'd like to read.

-Alright. Why don't you
stand up and read it?

What's your name?
-Danny Kruger.

-Hi, Danny.
-Hi.

"I'm in love
with a wonderful girl,

"but there's a catch.
Oh, brother.

"The girl I love,
this glorious girl,

is old enough
to be my mother."

-Sit down, Danny.

Q&A started because
the executive producer said,

"Instead of having a comic,

why don't you come out
and warm up the audience?"

-You want me to do
the Tarzan yell? Alright.

-Ahhhh-ah-ah--

Oh!

I lost it.

Ahhhh-ah-ah--

Yes?
-What kind of soap do they use

to clean the floor?

-I think
that's a little personal.

You have a vinyl floor at home
you want to clean?

Is that it?
Yeah. Where is it?

In the bathroom or the kitchen?

All over?

You have vinyl
all over your house?

-Just on the floor.

-I love you!

-Please give a warm welcome
to Amy Poehler.

-Good evening.

One of my favorite parts
of "The Carol Burnett Show"

was what we just saw,

when Carol would come out
on stage

and answer questions
from her audience.

It always felt
spontaneous and real,

and Carol's genuine warmth
always came through.

And to be honest, it --
it looked kind of easy.

So, in honor of those moments,

I'm gonna do my own version
of that tonight.

So, um, this should be fun.

Let's just see
who has questions for me.

Anyone? Questions?

Yes. You, ma'am.

-What happens to us
when we die?

Wow. Right out of the gate.

That's a big one.

Um, it's an important question,

but let me just,
like, get warmed up first.

But we'll get back to that
'cause that's important.

Anyone else? Anyone else
have their hand raised?

Yes. You, sir.

-Yes. Hi. How do you think
the world will end?

Nuclear disaster
or climate change?

That's another heavy one.

I remember these being more fun.

I feel like the '70s
were a little more fun.

So, does anyone have, like,
a softball-type question,

you know, something like, "Oh,
what's your favorite color?"

or, "What makes you laugh?"
Anything like that?

Yes. You.

-What makes you laugh?
-Oh, great question.

I think I just love watching
funny and deluded characters,

which is why Carol's work
is so dear to my heart.

-You know, what makes me laugh

is when scientists create robots
with artificial intelligence

that will one day
replace us all.

-Okay.

I couldn't really hear
that last part, but...

I think I heard you say,

"Can you try to do
Carol's Tarzan yell?"

And, okay, here goes.

Ahhhhhh-ah-ah--

I take it back.
This is so hard.

I'm so sorry, Carol.

Nothing you did was easy.

This was not easy.

Your Q&A's
were much harder than I thought.

Please, let's continue to take
a look at the best of Carol

on "The Carol Burnett Show."

And I'm sorry I even tried this.

-I loved being
all those different characters.

-Stella Toddler?

-Yes?

-This is your lifetime!

-iAy caramba!

Ha!

My enchiladas --

they were hot, hot, hot!

And now --

Now my enchiladas
are cold, cold, cold.

-Mrs. Wiggins, could you
come in here now and --

-Hello?

-Could you come in?

Uh, "Dear. Mr. Del Mar,

"uh, in regards

"to your letter of the 25th,

"I feel that a written reply

"is in the keeping
of the company policy,

"rather than seeing you
in person.

"And so I am forwarding this
letter at this time

to you --"

Are you going to memorize this?

-Eunice spoke to me.
I don't know.

The frustration, the angst,

the wanting to be somebody,

but not quite making it.

I just felt for her.

-Now, you listen to me.

I told you what the signal was.

This is the signal
for proper name.

This is the signal for that.

Now, I am going to give you
a proper name,

and then I am going to
give you a sounds like.

Now, come on, Mama!
You know this song!

-Well, how the hell can I think
with you screaming at me?!

Proper name!

Sounds like!

-Stomach hand!
-Unh!

-Pain!
-Mnh!

-Agony!
-Ugh!

-Belly!
-Yeah!

-Sounds like "belly"!

"Wait Till the Sun Shines
Belly!"

-I'm gonna kill you!

-Coming up, more great
laughs from Carol's career.

Plus, Billy Porter,
Vicki Lawrence,

-Carol Burnett,
I am honored to celebrate you

on your 90th birthday.

You know, growing up
in our household,

your show was one of the ones
that we could watch as a family.

My dad loved Tim Conway,
and -- I'll be honest --

maybe I had a little bit
of a crush on Lyle Waggoner.

But it was your wit,
your heart and boldness

that always stole
the show for me.

So, on this birthday, I hope
you feel all the love and joy

you have given
millions of families

reflected right back at you.

I love you so much, Carol.
And happy birthday.

-From "The Carol Burnett Show,"

here's Vicki Lawrence.

**

Stop.

Stop. You'll make me cry.

Who gets a fan letter
from a gawky teenager,

looks up her family's number,

calls her on the phone,

and makes arrangements
to come to see her

in the Miss Fireball contest?

Carol.

Who, on a hunch,
hires that 17-year-old

to play her sister
on her new variety show?

Carol.

Thanks to Carol, I got to go
to the Harvard School of Comedy

in front of America.

People always ask me --
I don't know if they ask you,

but they always ask me,

"Did you guys have as much fun
as it looked like?"

And I always answer,
"You have no idea."

-Vicki, you've got a gold
record.

-Have any questions
you might like --

The gentleman there
who falls asleep during our show

wants to ask you a question.
-How old are you?

-No, no.
-Ah.

-Oh, there you are.

-Oh, my darling,
come into my arms.

-Together at last.
-Ohh!

-Harvey had the best
comedy chops of anybody

I've ever worked with.

-Molly?
-Hmm?

-Why don't we have
another kid?

-Man turning into beast.

Don't you know there's no such
things as "werewoooolves"?

-Hello? Anderson residence.
Hello?

Hello --

Oh, foolish me.

Hello?

-Mr. Handsome, there's a
Miss Fusco to see you, sir.

-Hello there.

-Tim Conway --
that little mind never quit.

-Fire!

-Don't touch anything
until the police arrive.

Fingerprints, you know.

Put on your gloves.

-But I've just waxed
the doorknob.

-He would be coming up with
bits of business

that were just brilliant.

-I'm sorry, sir.

-And so, many times,
that's what we used.

So, I always wanted to let him
go and let him do his thing.

I don't know what made
Vicki the perfect Mama

except that she is
a perfect talent.

-Aha!

Aha!!

Oh! Oh, Camilla.
What are you doing here?

-Well, I could ask you
the same question,

but it's perfectly obvious
what you're doing here.

You and this
little Norwegian nothing

have a lot of nerve
doing this to me,

and I won't stand for it!
I won't! I won't!

I'm a big Hollywood star.
Do you hear me?

A big Hollywood star!

And I will not have you
treating me like an extra.

I've worked a long time
to get where I am,

and I will never be
humiliated like this again!

Never, never, never!

-Oh, that's wonderful.

-I have twin sons.

One son is werewolf.

The other son is a lead singer
in a rock group.

When the moon is full,
you couldn't tell them apart.

Go raise children.

-She was 18
when we discovered her,

and I think she was 24
when we had her play Mama.

She learned all about comedy

in front of 30 million
people a week.

-You're really nuts, you know?

-Nuts?
-One of these days

they're gonna come over here
and lock you up.

-Oh, lay off of me, will you?
-You ain't playing

with a full deck, Eunice.

I think somebody
blew your pilot light out.

-Oh, boy.

That's a new one, Mama.

-I think I might be
the luckiest person here tonight

because I'm the one
who got to spend

11 of the best years of my life
working with this lady --

or, as you love to say,
playing in the sandbox.

-Absolutely.
-Yes.

They asked me
to pick a favorite clip

to share here tonight,
and I thought,

"Well, I could maybe
narrow it down to --

I don't know -- maybe 200."

And then I got to thinking
about all the incredible music

that we did on your show.

And we had the special music
material writers,

you know, who would write these
incredible musical take-offs,

amazing medleys.

So, what I picked
means a lot to me.

It was the final episode
of the season in 1975,

and I was pregnant
with my very first child.

I was, like, very pregnant,

like, 10 minutes
from giving birth.

And as my due date grew closer,

Ken and Mitzie Welch put
together a medley of lullabies.

But I mean, like, every lullaby
you've ever heard in your life.

It was incredible.

Did we have so much fun
rehearsing that?

It was so much fun.

And I think Carol,
being a mom,

knew how much
it would mean to me.

Thank you so much, Carol,

for this memory
and for all the memories.

And I hope there
are a whole lot more.

I love you.

-* Close your eyes, sleepyhead

* Bright angels will guide you

* Close your eyes, sleepyhead

* Angels gather near your bed

* Lullaby and good night

* Till the dawn's early light

* Lullaby and good night

* Time to turn out the light

-I love you so much.

-Up next,
a special musical tribute

to "Annie" with Jane Lynch,

-Hi, Carol. It's Martin Short.
-And I'm -- Well...

-And we are so excited

to be sending our birthday
greetings to you.

Mwah!
-Because you are 90 years old

and we have loved you
for every year of our lives

except for the part
where we weren't born yet.

But happy birthday.
-Yeah. Oh, happy birthday

Mwah! We love you, genius girl.

-Please welcome Oscar winner
Charlize Theron.

-I am a huge fan
of the classic movies,

films like "Sunset Boulevard,"
"Show Boat,"

"The Little Foxes,"
"Gone with the Wind."

But you know what I love more?

It's what you and your cast

did to them
on "The Carol Burnett Show."

So, your take on them
was brilliant.

Those parodies had
great music, amazing costumes,

wonderful dialogue,
and unforgettable characters.

Let's take a look
at your great parodies.

-To Nora Desmond,

the greatest silent film star
of them all.

-Max?
-Yes, madam?

-Is there someone there?
-Yes, madam.

-Good.

-No!

I shall remain steadfast
against your lustful urgings,

never, never submitting
to your wanton sexual appetites

and your mad burning passions

and your need
to ravish and debauch.

Say something, Captain!
Say something!

-This is it,

the first human contact with
a being from another planet.

-Speak for yourself.

-That shape!

That form!

Why, he looks almost

like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

-Oh, darling. Don't worry.

I'll get you the finest doctor
that money can buy.

**

-Hello.
-Who are you?

-I'm the finest doctor
money can buy.

**

-How did you know she was sick?
-I heard the music.

I'm afraid she only
has five minutes to live.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I'll act as though
nothing had happened.

Hey, funny face.

Guess what.
-What?

-The doctor says
you're gonna be alright.

There's nothing wrong.
How about that?

Hey, how'd you like
something to eat?

I'd love a 4-minute egg.

-Starlet, I love you.
That gown is gorgeous.

-Thank you.
I saw it in the window,

and I just couldn't resist it.

-Please give a warm welcome
to the movie's original Annie,

Aileen Quinn.

**

-No one was better than Carol
at those hilarious parodies.

I enjoyed watching that.

But let's not forget she's also
a brilliant film actress.

-You think I like to see you
so jealous of Nick

that you feel
you have to tackle him?

You think that makes me
feel good?

-I think we should get
to the heart of this.

-The heart of this

is that you wish
you had some blond nymph

adoring you like he does.

So, go on. Go find one.

Christ! How long are you gonna
hang on to these fantasies?

The reality is you're married
to a middle-aged woman

with a good sense of humor
and dry skin.

And if you don't like it,
then go find yourself a nymph.

-You are an art collector?

**

I think that's just wonderful.

I love art.

Of course, I don't know
too much about it,

but I do know
I love looking at pictures.

I think it would
just be wonderful

to be able
to collect it like that.

**

-And of course
one of the roles

she's most known for
is Miss Hannigan.

Yes, in the film
that I was lucky enough

to be a part of -- "Annie."

-Leapin' lizards!

-* Little girls, little girls

* Everywhere I turn

* I can see them

**

* Little girls, little girls

* Night and day
I eat, sleep, and breathe them *

* I'm an ordinary woman
with feelings *

* I'd like a man
to nibble on my ear *

* But I'll admit
no man has bitten *

* So how come
I'm the mother of the year? *

**

-Ladies and gentlemen,
Jane Lynch.

**

-* Little cheeks,
little teeth *

* Everything around me
is little *

* If I wring little necks

* Surely I would get
an acquittal *

* Some women are dripping
with diamonds *

* Some women are dripping
with pearls *

* Lucky me, lucky me

* Look at
what I'm dripping with *

* Little girls

**

* How I hate little shoes,
little socks *

* And each little

* Bloomer

* I'd have cracked years ago

* If it weren't for my
sense of humor *

* Someday I'll land
in the nut house *

* With all the nuts
and the squirrels *

* There I'll stay tucked away

* Till the prohibition of

* Little gi-i-i-rls

Please welcome Billy Porter
and Bernadette Peters.

-* I remember the way
our sainted mother *

* Would sit and croon us

* Her lullaby

* She said, "Kids, there's a
place that's like no other" *

* "You got to get there
before you die" *

-* Now, you don't get there
by playing by the rule books *

-* You stack the aces

-* You load the dice

-* Mother dear

* Oh, we know you're

* Down there listening

* How can we follow

* Your sweet advice

* To

-* Easy street

* Easy street

* Where you sleep till noon

-* Yeah, yeah, yeah
-* Yeah, yeah, yeah

-* Yeah, yeah, yeah

-* She'd repeat

* Easy street

* Better get there soon

-* Easy street

* Easy street

* Annie is the key

-* Yes, sirree
-* Yes, sirree

-* Yes, sirree
-Whoo!

-Yeah!
-* Easy street

* Easy street

* That's where we're gonna

* Be-e-e-e

-* When I'm stuck with a day
that's gray and lonely *

* I just stick out my chin

* And grin and say

* Ohh

* Tomorrow, tomorrow

* I love ya, tomorrow

* You're only a day away

-* Tomorrow, tomorrow

* I love ya, tomorrow

* You're only a day

* Awa-a-a-a-y

**

-Coming up, Sofia Vergara,
Susan Lucci, Marisa Tomei,

-I laugh at mys-- Not that much,
but only a little bit.

Happy 90th, Carol. Love you.

Love you, love you.

**

-Please welcome Sofia Vergara.

**

Buenas noches.

**

The theater
that we're in tonight

is not too far from the one
where Carol worked as an usher

during her summer break
from UCLA.

Unfortunately,
the manager fired her

when some customer demanded
to be seated

at the end of
an Alfred Hitchcock thriller

and Carol insisted that they had
to see it from the beginning.

That's right.

That night, Carol
lost her 65-cent-an-hour job.

And years later,
when she was asked

where she wanted her star
on the Hollywood Walk of Fame,

of course
Carol said she wanted it

in front of the very theater
that she was fired from.

That's, I think,

one of the things
that we all love about Carol,

that she never takes herself
too seriously

and that there's always
a laugh in everything

and anything that she does.

So, now let's take a look

at a few of her best roles
on television.

-What kind of doctor
do you call yourself?!

-Mrs. Stemple, Mrs. Stemple,

Jamie is trying to have
a natural childbirth.

-Ahh.

-Are you out of your mind?

-Maybe you could talk
to costumes about getting --

getting you a longer loincloth.

I saw your balls.

-What?

-I saw your balls then.

-Then be calm.
-I'm calm!

-Hold this.
-I'm calm.

I'm calm.

-Help!

-Angie, I'm scared.

-Hey, Rosie, I was, too,
on my first day.

Everyone is.
-You know something?

The difference between you and
everyone else is you've got me.

Come on.

-Sometimes I think my real
talent is in attracting bad men.

-Well, good ones
are hard to find.

-Oh, dear God,
what did we do to our sons?

We taught them to believe
that you obeyed,

that you did what you were told,

that you didn't question.

But it was wrong.

It was so wrong.

They would be alive today.

That's what
we have to live with.

-I used to watch
"All My Children" every day.

It would be my lunch hour.

And Agnes Nixon,
who created "All My Children,"

called and said, "Would you like
to come on the show

and be a character?"

I said, "Absolutely."

I had a whole storyline,

and I got to work
with Susan Lucci...

-Oh, perfect!

-...who is the opposite
of Erica Kane.

No diva about her at all.

If Opal wants to fight for Sam,

she's gonna have to go
mano a mano with moi.

-Then you better just "tangono"

out of "town-o" right "now-o."

-From "All My Children,"
please welcome Susan Lucci.

-Oh, Carol, you were
a member of our family

when you were on
"All My Children."

You did a great send-up
of soaps on your show --

"As the Stomach Turns."

I loved watching it.

I know everyone did.

But I tell you, you could just
do a take on any genre

and find the funny.

And, boy, are we all so glad
that you did.

-Thank you.
-Thank you.

-Next, a tribute to the
legendary Bob Mackie

-For Carol, this meant
a new connection to someone

she's known for years.

That's Bill Hader.
You know him?

-Bill?! Of course!

He was
on my 50th-anniversary show.

-Oh, my God.
-Well, it was a family affair.

-Isn't that something?

-Hey, Carol.

Sorry I couldn't be there
tonight,

but I am busy planning
the Burnett family reunion 2023,

and it is going great.

We're having a great time.

Last night,
we had a sketch night,

which was fun,

except we didn't get through
a single sketch

because people kept breaking.

But that's kind of
our thing, right?

But I wanted to say, on behalf
of myself and my family,

we were so thrilled
to find out that we're related.

But the truth is, Carol,

that you make anybody
who's ever met you,

you know, or seen you perform

feel like family.

So, on behalf of your family,
real and honorary,

I want to say thank you
for the love and the laughter,

and thank you so much
for just being one of my heroes.

Congratulations.

-Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Mrs. Wiggins.

**

**

-Hello?

Is that lunch?

-No. Mrs. Wiggins,
I'm the director.

And you need to introduce
the Bob Mackie clip package.

-Watch...this...

movie.

-Bob Mackie is a genius.

**

He would come up
with these ideas.

In fact, he has often said

that he enjoyed
doing the character work

even more than
just designing pretty clothes.

-Actually,
I have it on backwards.

-And he designed
not only what I wore,

but what everybody
wore on my show,

which means, with all
the sketches, the dancers,

the guest stars,
Harvey, Lyle, Vicki, me, Tim.

-65 to 70 costumes a week.

So, do the math.

200-and-some-odd shows,
70-some-odd shows.

That's about 17,000 costumes
in 11 years that he designed.

Bob Mackie.

-Now, we all know
that the actual Mrs. Wiggins

belongs to the one
and only Carol.

And here is the man himself

who designed
all those great costumes --

Bob Mackie.

**

**

-Hi, darling.
-Hi!

-Darling.

-So, tell me more about
the Mrs. Wiggins costume.

-Well, actually, Mrs. Wiggins --

she wasn't the most
tasteful girl in the world,

but everybody liked her,
and she had a great body.

-What about Carol?
I understand that there was --

-Yeah, Carol thought
her behind was a little flat,

and she said,
"What am I gonna do?

You're gonna have
to take the skirt in."

And I said, "Just arch your back

and stick out your butt
and walk."

And it was perfect.

-So, let's talk about Eunice.

-Oh, Eunice.

Well, Eunice was
the most unhappy woman alive.

Her mother didn't like her.
Her husband couldn't stand her.

And, you know, she wore the
same dress day in and day out.

-It suited her, though.

What about this classic,
classic costume?

-This is an iconic --

kind of the trademark
of Carol Burnett.

There's cartoons.
There's greeting cards.

There's everything
with that person on it.

-And, Bob...
-How about --

-...tell me about Nora Desmond.

-I love Nora Desmond.

She was a take-off on Swanson.

-Was it Gloria Swanson?
-Gloria Swanson.

-Gloria Swanson was amazing

because she saw
when Carol did that part

and she was really amused.

And she wanted to be
on the show.

-And over here,
our other favorite --

Stella Toddler.
-Stella Toddler.

-When this one came on,

she did things with her body
that nobody else could do.

-And the costume allows
for all the physicality.

-And she would, like, fall down,

and then she'd just sit there
because she couldn't get up.

You know, it was
that kind of a character.

And we laughed and laughed.

-And, you know, what I what
I don't see here, though,

is one of the most
iconic costumes

you've ever made for Carol.
You know which one --

the curtain rod.
-The curtain rod dress...

-From?
-...that Starlet O'Hara...

-From "Went with the Wind."

-"Went with the Wind"
pulled down,

and people still ask me
all about it.

**

-The original, though,
is so famous.

It's in the Smithsonian...
-Oh, is it?

-...so we would have to break
into the museum to get it.

We couldn't get it here tonight.

**

-Maya Rudolph,
where'd you get that dress?

-Oh, this old thing?

Oh, I saw it in the window
of the Smithsonian,

and I just couldn't resist.

-Coming up, Lisa Kudrow

and the funniest
"Carol Burnett Show" bloopers,

-Carol, it was back in 2005 when
President Bush presented you

with the
Presidential Medal of Freedom.

We all agree you're a legend,
a pioneer,

and you've enriched our nation.

-You are a national treasure.

You've broken barriers,
inspiring the next generation

of little girls
to reach for their dreams.

And you've done it
while spreading laughter,

joy, and warmth.

-We love you, kid.
-Happy 90th.

-Happy birthday.

-Please welcome Lisa Kudrow.

**

-You know, when you screw up
at a regular job,

it could possibly get you fired.

But when you messed up
on "The Carol Burnett Show,"

it was a blooper
that was proudly broadcast.

And when you'd watch
the bloopers on the show,

on Carol's show,
yes, it was hilarious,

but you'd also feel how much
she loves what she gets to do

and how much
she loves and enjoys

the people she's working with.

And she's generously
sharing that with her audience.

And whether it's a comedy sketch
or straight acting --

and she's a really
good actress --

bloopers or not, Carol,

what comes across is how much
real fun you're having.

And that transcends whatever
is written in the script.

-The bloopers and the crack-ups
were never, ever rehearsed.

-I was at this freak show
one time,

and I -- I saw
these Siamese elephants.

They was adjoined at the end
of their trunks like that.

And this trainer would make them

stand up on their back feet
like that,

and they had their trunks
stretched like that.

Then this little monkey
would come out.

He would walk out there and
dance the merengue right...

I kind felt sorry for them.

They couldn't go like the other
elephants when they go --

All they could do is just blow
and go, "Nork."

-Go, Mama.

-Go, Mama.

-You sure that little
ass...through?

-A few weeks later,

I got back at Tim with my own
ad-libbed elephant story.

-For transportation once,

he gave me
this pair of elephants.

They were Siamese.

They was joined at the trunk.

And whenever one of them
wanted to go somewhere,

the other one
would have to walk backwards.

-Harvey was adamant
he never wanted to crack up.

He hated himself for doing it,

but it was impossible
when Tim got on a roll.

It's funny. People think
that's all we ever did.

That wasn't a major part
of our show at all.

If you really count the times,
it was mainly Conway --

and not all the time.

-Coming.

-But people think we did it so
much because it's so delicious

when you can't --
when you can't help it.

-Take a firm hold
of the hypodermic needle.

Right.

-When I was watching
Tim and Harvey

do the dentist sketch,

again, it was Tim coming up
with all that Novocaine shtick.

-Well...I'll be right with you.

-And the audience
was screaming with laughter.

The crew.
I'm in the wings.

And what went
through my mind was,

"This should go
in the time capsule."

And, you know,
that's over 50 years old now.

And I dare anybody
to watch it today

and not laugh like crazy.

It's timeless.

-I'll just, uh, try and --

-Hi. I'm Melissa Rauch
from "Night Court."

I've been a Carol fan
for as long as I can remember.

When I was 15, my mom took me
to see Carol

in "Moon over Buffalo"
on Broadway.

I had written her a fan letter,

which I gave to the stage
manager before the show,

and a little while later the
stage manager came over to us

and said, "Come on backstage.
Carol wants to meet you."

I had my extensive list
of questions,

and I had so much to say

about how brilliant
she was in the show,

and all I managed
to blurt out was,

"Um...you're so good."

Well, Carol was so
incredibly kind,

and, sensing that I was nervous,

she asked if I wanted a picture

with my little
disposable camera.

And, well, there it is.

I don't think
it's physically possible

to have a bigger smile
on my face.

I met Carol
one more time after that

and she was equally amazing
and I was equally tongue-tied.

So I promised myself
if I ever had the opportunity

to be in her presence again,

I would pull myself together,

properly thank her
for all she means to me,

and tell her
how eternally grateful I am

for encouraging me to go
after my dreams that day.

So, Carol...

you're so good.

-Coming up, Cher,

-Hello. It is my honor
to join the celebration

of Carol Burnett's
90th birthday.

Carol...

Upstairs in our offices,
we have hung

a huge photo of Carol
on our show

doing her famous Tarzan yell

so my writers and I can pass by
that picture every day

and look to it
for something to aspire to.

So, Carol, for your example
and your talent,

from me and everyone
you've entertained

and inspired for so many years,

happy birthday, and thank you.

-* We're two girls
who love what we do a lot *

* We're two girls who

* When we're good,
we're very, very good *

* And when we're bad
-Ooh!

-* We're hot

-And now, please welcome
the one and only Cher.

**

-Thank you.

So, I wore this dress tonight
for Bob and for you.

And when "Sonny & Cher"
had the summer show,

we didn't have any money,

and Carol and I
are the same size,

so Bob raided
your closet for us

so I had something to wear,
so --

Did you know that?

Okay, well -- well, we did.

Alright, so, when I was outside,
people were asking me questions,

questions about you.

And I said, "Oh, she's kind
and she's funny

"and she teaches you so much.

"And she's the kind of woman,

"kind of star that,
if you meet her,

you're never gonna be
disappointed."

I can always think of just her
being so kind and helping me

because I wasn't really sure
what I was doing, you know,

'cause I'd had Sonny
as a partner

and when I went on my own,
I was really frightened.

And you helped me.
And you know you did.

And I don't know.
I just love her.

And I wanted to be
just like her.

And I'm not just like you,
but I'm my own version of you.

So, those were
really happy days,

and you are a great mentor
and a great example

for many, many women
in the United States.

I'm not sure if you knew it.
You must have known it.

So, you featured everyone
in the music industry.

Simply put, watching
Carol Burnett's show

was like having a front-row seat
at the Hall of Fame concert.

So, I love you, and I'm so happy
to be here with you tonight.

-I loved all the musical guests.

-* That wonderful year
we hope you'll see *

Golden voice.

-* The past reappear
like a memory *

* We'll show you the way
it used to be *

* Remember

* Do you know the way
to San Jose? *

* I've been away so long

-* I may go wrong
and lose my way *

-I often enjoyed having
some of the singing people

be in sketches,
and a lot of them said,

"Nobody's ever asked us
to do these sketches before."

Even Ray Charles
did a sketch with me,

and he said,
"Oh, this is fun!"

-* When I want rain

* I get sunny weather

* I'm just as blue as the sky

-* So am I, so am I

-* Since love has gone
-* Love has gone

-* Can't pull myself together

-* Guess I'll hang my tears
out to dry *

-All of them.
I mean, oh, my gosh.

Ella Fitzgerald and Mel Tormé
and Bing Crosby.

-* You and your fancy flattery

* You're laying it on
for spite *

-* You're big and strong

-* You figure you'll
charge my battery *

* And I'll get
too hot to fight *

-* You're handsome, too

-* Now it's time
you were took in tow *

-* Yes, I know

-* That flattery stuff
don't go *

-No?
-* I'll follow you anywhere

-Ethel Merman
and on and on and on.

-* This is a real
big Ferris wheel world *

* I'm romancin' and we're having
a big, beautiful ball *

-* I don't care

-* You don't care

* If we are

* If we are

-* At the bottom
of the class in high school *

* 'Cause you're on
the honor list in my school *

-* Movies gave us tunes
we'll always treasure *

* They gave us pleasure

* Each measure
makes you feel good *

-* Keep writing songs
like these *

-* We need your melodies

* Hooray for Hollywood

**

**

-And now
with a special performance

paying tribute
to all of your musical guests,

please welcome Sutton Foster
and Darren Criss.

**

-* Aren't they fun?

* Aren't they fantastic?

* Carol Burnett's duets

-* Everyone enthusiastic

* Carol Burnett's duet

-* No other show could beat

* Carol Burnett's duets

-That's right.
* Friendly yet so elite

-* Love 'em

* Can't get enough of 'em

-* She'd play the ham

-* They'd play it straighter

* Carol Burnett's
What is it?

-It's duets.
-* Duets

Thank you.
* They brought the glam

-* And she brought the theater

* Carol Burnett's
-It's duets.

-I know.
* Duets

-* Standing next to
a stand-out someone *

* Just to watch herself
become one *

* Carol Burnett's duets

-So many icons.
-There's too many to count.

-* So we're here to buy
that smile that you sell us *

-I mean, you sang
with every hero of mine,

every great artist
on the planet.

* I'm not gonna lie

* I'm just getting jealous

-Darren, this isn't about you.
-I know, but it's just --

Can we just say it's not fair?
-It's gonna be okay.

-* Hope this number
will help uncover *

* Just how much
the people love a *

-* Carol
-* Carol

-* Burnett
-* Burnett

-* Duet

* Don't get much better

* Than Carol Burnett's

* Due-e-e-e-ts

-Next, Laura Dern,
Allison Janney,

and Kristen Wiig,

and later, Ellen DeGeneres,

-Hi, Carol. It's Tina Fey
saying hi from New York.

I'm so sorry I'm not there
with you tonight,

but you know that I love you.
I think you're a genius.

I know, in fact,
that you're a genius.

I hope you're having
an amazing time tonight.

And I want to thank you
from the bottom of my heart.

Every few years,
when floral dresses

with puffy sleeves
come back into fashion,

I almost get sucked in.

But then I think about it,
and I know

that I will look like Eunice.

And I don't buy it.

**

-From "Better Call Saul,"
it's Saul himself --

Bob Odenkirk.

-Okay.

We all know
Carol is a comedy icon,

but she is an amazing
dramatic actress.

I knew that watching her
on other series,

and I got to see it firsthand

when she joined us
on "Better Call Saul"

for our final six episodes.

I came away with stories
about working with Carol

that will last a lifetime,
and I also came away

with the knowledge of
the importance of Life Alert.

-I trusted you.

-Marion?
This is Valerie with Life Alert.

Are you okay?
-No, Valerie, I'm not okay.

There's a criminal standing
in my kitchen, threatening me!

He's a wanted man!

And his name is Saul Goodman!

-Alright, Marion,
I'm calling the police.

I'm calling right now.

-Oh, my God. It was amazing.

She's so great.
That scene --

That scene was rewritten
exactly as I wanted it,

but not how your so-called
good friend,

"Better Call Saul" executive
producer Vince Gilligan

had written it.

Carol, there is something
that you should know.

Vince wanted my character
to kill you in that scene!

Look at him.
He's shaking his head "no."

His exact words to me were,

"Saul ends up killing
Carol Burnett."

And if I remember right,

he didn't say,
"Kill Carol's character."

No, no, no.
He said, "Kill Carol Burnett!"

And I refused!

And I told him I'd walk!

Carol,
I was willing to risk my career

and never work
in this town again

because I did not want little
children who watched our show --

and I hope many of them did --

to see me on the street and say,

"Mommy, that is the man
who killed Carol Burnett!"

And that's all I wanted to say,

that I'm your real friend
and Vince is not!

And one more thing.

Vince and I and everybody
on our show --

we think you're the greatest.

And now, because you refused
to stop working,

here's a clip from your
newest series, "Palm Royale."

Check it out.

**

-Ahh.

Finished.

Finished!

Robert?

Where's my Robert?

Shake me another martini,

and then let's play doctor.

Oh, Robert, please come up.

You can't still
be mad at me, can you?

Robert?

Robert?

Robert!!

**

-And now please welcome
Carol's "Palm Royale" co-stars,

Laura Dern, Kristen Wiig,
and Allison Janney.

-Good evening, amazing Carol.

Allison, Kristen, and I

feel so lucky to be able
to honor Carol tonight.

We had the opportunity,
as you just saw,

to work with her on our
upcoming show, "Palm Royale."

And we were in awe,
to say the least.

-And during shooting,
we got so close

that we all became roommates.
-Yeah.

-And Carol takes care
of all of us.

Just financially.

-Thank you.
-You guys, right now, at 90,

Carol is working harder
and is busier than all of us.

I just heard that she is going
to be playing all the parts

in different wigs for the next
season of "The White Lotus."

-Ooh.
-Yeah, I read that.

Really?

You know,
and not just in Hollywood.

She's on the road giving talks,
writing books.

-No, guys, she was
my driver here tonight.

-Really?
-Wow.

I saw her carrying
a stack of cardboard,

and it turns out she's doing
all the cue cards for tonight.

-Oh.
-Mm-hmm. I heard that.

-You know, and to top it off,
she wrote

what every person
is saying about her tonight.

Yeah. On a typewriter.

-Carol, we don't know
how you do it.

You've been our muse and
artistic hero our whole lives,

and the greatest gift I shared
every week with my grandma

was watching and loving you.

-Falling in love
with sketch comedy

when I was a young girl
was because of you.

And I still pinch myself
that I got to work with you,

watch you,
and now call you a friend.

-Alison?
-Carol...

I'm not really familiar
with your work.

But you must be very good
for this many stars

to be kissing your ass tonight.
-Yes.

Oh, wait.
I think Carol --

I think Carol's
saying something.

What -- What does that say?

-"Ladies, wrap it up."
-"Ladies, wrap it up."

-Oh. Well, I told you.

-Alright, well, happy birthday.
-Alright.

-Yeah.
-Happy birthday.

-Uh, Carol, we still need you
to give us a ride home, though.

-Oh, now I know who you are.
Yes, I got it.

-Yeah. Yeah.
-Love you.

-Coming up, Ellen DeGeneres.

-* I'm so glad
we had this time together *

* Just to have a laugh
or sing a song *

* Seems we just get started

* And before you know it

* Comes the time
we have to say *

* So long

-And now here's Ellen DeGeneres.

**

-Oh, thank you so much.
Hi, Carol.

Well, Carol, you know
that I love you.

You know that because
it's three hours past my bedtime

and at least
six hours past yours.

I am honored to be here tonight

because Carol Burnett
is one of my heroes.

And, like everyone said tonight,
I grew up watching her

and loving her and laughing at
every single thing that she did.

She didn't just
pave the way for me

and female comedians everywhere.

She blazed the trail.

When I watched her, growing up,

I did not know I would be
working in this business.

I never thought I would actually
get to know her.

Not only, uh, do I --
do I know her.

I actually get
to call her my friend,

and we actually are neighbors.

And, um -- which is something --

I mean, I can't believe
we're neighbors.

And I have always been
too embarrassed to --

to say this to you,
but we're here.

So, um, there's a light
on your porch that --

that shines directly
into our kitchen.

If you could just re-adjust it
or just get rid of it,

it's not -- It's in the kitchen.

Also, my Ring camera caught you
stealing three Amazon packages

from our porch.

One, I thought it was a mistake,

but three -- mnh-mnh.

But that's not
what tonight is about.

Tonight is about you
and your incredible life.

And I want
to say congratulations

to all of your singular,
amazing accomplishments

in your legendary career
and your trailblazing journey.

And I am so glad that we've
had this time together.

Please welcome Katy Perry.

**

-* I'm so glad
we had this time together *

* Just to have a laugh
or sing a song *

* Seems we just got started,
and before you know it *

* Comes the time
we have to say so long *

* There's a time
you put aside for dreamin' *

* And a time
for things you have to do *

* But the time I like the best
is in the evening *

* I can spend a moment
here with you *

* When the time comes
that you're feelin' lonely *

* And I'm feelin',
oh, so blue *

* I just sit back
and think of you only *

* And the happiness

* It still comes through

* That's why I'm glad
we had this moment together *

* 'Cause it makes me feel
that I belong *

* Seems we just got started

* And before you know it

-* Comes a time we have to say

* So long

Oh, God.
Thank you, everybody. Oh, wow.

**

**

**

**

**