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1
00:00:02,203 --> 00:00:05,386
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
2
00:00:05,422 --> 00:00:08,407
Whoo! Sorry I'm late.
3
00:00:08,442 --> 00:00:09,674
Boy, you will not believe
4
00:00:09,709 --> 00:00:11,076
what happened to me.
5
00:00:11,111 --> 00:00:13,778
I made a right-hand
turn onto Boyleston
6
00:00:13,813 --> 00:00:16,448
and ran right into
this stupid parade.
7
00:00:16,483 --> 00:00:19,151
Then my car backfired,
and scared the tar
8
00:00:19,186 --> 00:00:21,420
out of these two cute
little poodles in tutus
9
00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:23,288
who were dancing by.
10
00:00:23,323 --> 00:00:24,789
Dancing poodles.
11
00:00:24,824 --> 00:00:25,924
Yeah.
12
00:00:25,959 --> 00:00:28,427
Anyway, the dogs
spooked and ran away,
13
00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:32,147
and this cute little girl in
blue sequins ran after them
14
00:00:32,183 --> 00:00:34,783
right in front of this
little car full of clowns
15
00:00:34,818 --> 00:00:36,785
that swerved to
miss her, and the car
16
00:00:36,820 --> 00:00:38,787
ran right in front
of this elephant,
17
00:00:38,822 --> 00:00:40,588
the elephant reared up,
18
00:00:40,624 --> 00:00:43,925
threw this swami guy off
that was riding on his tusk.
19
00:00:43,961 --> 00:00:45,527
Sam,
20
00:00:45,562 --> 00:00:48,530
this is the lamest excuse
you have ever given me.
21
00:00:48,565 --> 00:00:49,531
Why don't you just say,
22
00:00:49,566 --> 00:00:50,933
"I'm sorry,
Rebecca, I overslept.
23
00:00:50,968 --> 00:00:52,835
It won't happen again"?
24
00:00:52,870 --> 00:00:55,103
It really makes me...
25
00:01:02,980 --> 00:01:05,380
I'm sorry, Rebecca,
I just overslept.
26
00:01:05,415 --> 00:01:06,915
It won't happen again.
27
00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:14,589
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
28
00:01:14,624 --> 00:01:17,825
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
29
00:01:17,861 --> 00:01:20,628
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
30
00:01:20,664 --> 00:01:24,099
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
31
00:01:24,134 --> 00:01:29,905
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
32
00:01:29,940 --> 00:01:31,773
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
33
00:01:31,808 --> 00:01:37,345
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
34
00:01:37,380 --> 00:01:41,917
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
35
00:01:41,952 --> 00:01:44,352
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
36
00:01:44,387 --> 00:01:47,022
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
37
00:01:47,057 --> 00:01:52,293
♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
38
00:01:52,328 --> 00:01:54,896
♪ You want to go
where people know ♪
39
00:01:54,932 --> 00:01:57,498
♪ People are all the same ♪
40
00:01:57,534 --> 00:02:01,636
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
41
00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:23,486
Frasier, I'm
double-parked outside.
42
00:02:23,510 --> 00:02:25,259
Finish your drink and let's go.
43
00:02:25,295 --> 00:02:27,107
Oh, in a minute; I
just touched my glass.
44
00:02:27,131 --> 00:02:28,897
Don't balk, jelly bear.
45
00:02:29,950 --> 00:02:32,383
I'm not balking, moon pie.
46
00:02:34,138 --> 00:02:36,238
I'm simply trying
to finish my drink.
47
00:02:36,273 --> 00:02:37,405
You'd understand
48
00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:39,318
if you had as trying
a day as I've had.
49
00:02:39,342 --> 00:02:40,808
The kind of day you've had?
50
00:02:40,844 --> 00:02:43,345
Lord, if I hear one more yuppie
51
00:02:43,380 --> 00:02:46,114
snivel about his inability
to love, I'll smack him.
52
00:02:48,118 --> 00:02:50,051
Boo, hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
53
00:02:51,121 --> 00:02:53,032
I saw nine clients
today with no lunch.
54
00:02:53,056 --> 00:02:54,389
I saw ten.
55
00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:56,091
15 if you count
multiple personalities.
56
00:02:56,126 --> 00:02:57,092
Oh, yeah, well, you...
57
00:02:57,127 --> 00:02:59,177
Come on, please.
58
00:02:59,212 --> 00:03:01,073
You're a little tense;
you got to relax,
59
00:03:01,097 --> 00:03:02,463
take a few days off.
60
00:03:02,499 --> 00:03:04,144
You know, maybe a
vacation, or something?
61
00:03:04,168 --> 00:03:05,433
Vacation? Ha!
62
00:03:05,468 --> 00:03:07,413
You make it sound so easy, Sam.
63
00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:09,877
As if one could just
pick up just like that.
64
00:03:10,140 --> 00:03:11,217
We are professionals,
65
00:03:11,241 --> 00:03:12,718
with commitments
and obligations.
66
00:03:12,742 --> 00:03:13,987
Our patients depend upon us.
67
00:03:14,011 --> 00:03:15,476
I'll clear my
schedule if you will.
68
00:03:15,512 --> 00:03:16,477
Nassau or St. Thomas?
69
00:03:16,513 --> 00:03:17,824
Let's go talk to
the travel agent.
70
00:03:17,848 --> 00:03:18,858
There you go.
71
00:03:18,882 --> 00:03:19,925
Have a good time.
72
00:03:19,949 --> 00:03:21,210
Has anybody seen Woody?
73
00:03:21,234 --> 00:03:23,179
He was scheduled
to be here at 6:00.
74
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:24,280
He's going to be late.
75
00:03:24,304 --> 00:03:25,404
Good God, people.
76
00:03:25,439 --> 00:03:26,671
I don't even know why I bother
77
00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:27,806
to prepare a work schedule.
78
00:03:27,841 --> 00:03:30,208
Everybody just comes and
goes as they damn well please.
79
00:03:30,243 --> 00:03:32,054
Yeah, he, uh, he did
send these, though.
80
00:03:33,313 --> 00:03:34,613
"I'm sorry I'm late.
81
00:03:34,648 --> 00:03:35,980
Please dock my pay."
82
00:03:36,016 --> 00:03:38,536
Now, this is the way to be late.
83
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:42,081
Where is the little...
84
00:03:43,206 --> 00:03:44,172
anyway?
85
00:03:44,207 --> 00:03:46,007
I don't know.
86
00:03:47,243 --> 00:03:48,342
Oh, no, Sam.
87
00:03:48,378 --> 00:03:49,522
I've been a mother
88
00:03:49,546 --> 00:03:50,845
for 18 years.
89
00:03:50,881 --> 00:03:52,725
When someone says
"I don't know" like that,
90
00:03:52,749 --> 00:03:54,382
they know.
91
00:03:54,417 --> 00:03:56,863
Cough it up, or I'm going to
get it out of you another way.
92
00:03:56,887 --> 00:03:58,687
I don't know; I'm
telling you the tru...
93
00:03:58,722 --> 00:04:01,255
Oh, a-a-all right, all
right, all right, all right.
94
00:04:01,291 --> 00:04:02,891
Uh, he's auditioning for a play.
95
00:04:02,926 --> 00:04:05,193
A play? Yeah.
96
00:04:05,228 --> 00:04:08,196
Hicky McHick from
Hicksville wants to act?
97
00:04:08,231 --> 00:04:11,132
He's been hanging out
at this little local playhouse
98
00:04:11,168 --> 00:04:13,601
and, you know, doing
all the odds and ends.
99
00:04:13,636 --> 00:04:15,203
Sweeping, cleaning toilets...
100
00:04:15,238 --> 00:04:17,205
Everything no one
else wants to do.
101
00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:20,075
I wonder if Woody'd like
to act over at my house?
102
00:04:20,110 --> 00:04:21,475
Yeah.
103
00:04:23,246 --> 00:04:24,579
Uh, hey, wait, here he comes.
104
00:04:24,614 --> 00:04:26,047
He's very sensitive about this.
105
00:04:26,083 --> 00:04:28,043
Don't say anything
about his acting.
106
00:04:29,452 --> 00:04:31,686
Hey, everybody. Hey, Woody.
107
00:04:31,721 --> 00:04:33,338
If I knew you wanted
a "role" so badly,
108
00:04:33,373 --> 00:04:34,823
I would have
stopped at the bakery.
109
00:04:34,858 --> 00:04:36,107
Sam!
110
00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:40,178
I'm sorry.
111
00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:41,379
But how'd the audition go?
112
00:04:41,414 --> 00:04:45,249
Great. Said my lines
faster than anyone else.
113
00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:48,915
Yeah, Woodman,
when did you get bit
114
00:04:48,939 --> 00:04:50,288
by the old acting bug?
115
00:04:50,323 --> 00:04:52,118
Oh, back in high
school in Hanover.
116
00:04:52,142 --> 00:04:54,776
I was in the chorus of
the senior class production
117
00:04:54,812 --> 00:04:55,927
of Hello, Donald.
118
00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:58,530
Isn't that... isn't
that Hello, Dolly?
119
00:04:58,565 --> 00:05:00,309
Oh, no, no... They had
to change the name.
120
00:05:00,333 --> 00:05:02,768
Donald Wexler was the only
guy who could sing the part.
121
00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,651
So, what's this, uh,
play you tried out for?
122
00:05:07,675 --> 00:05:09,141
Well, it's a brand-new one.
123
00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:10,742
It's called Authors in Hell.
124
00:05:10,778 --> 00:05:12,756
I'm hoping to play
either Mark Twain,
125
00:05:12,780 --> 00:05:15,380
one of the guys from the
Algonquin Round Table
126
00:05:15,415 --> 00:05:16,815
or Satan.
127
00:05:18,786 --> 00:05:20,063
But heck, I'd be just as happy
128
00:05:20,087 --> 00:05:21,564
playing a fire-
breathing incubus.
129
00:05:21,588 --> 00:05:24,028
They get to stay onstage
the whole four hours.
130
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:29,928
Hey, hey, that's my
director, Grif Palmer.
131
00:05:29,963 --> 00:05:31,507
This must mean I got the part.
132
00:05:31,531 --> 00:05:33,231
Or that he's thirsty.
133
00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:36,001
Hi, Mr. Palmer.
134
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:38,303
Can I get you a drink?
135
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:39,370
No, thanks.
136
00:05:39,406 --> 00:05:40,686
I got the part!
137
00:05:42,109 --> 00:05:45,643
Woody, you're a
multitalented young man.
138
00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:47,245
I didn't get the part?
139
00:05:51,334 --> 00:05:53,801
Well, you know, I've
tried out so many times,
140
00:05:53,837 --> 00:05:55,415
and I've never gotten a part.
141
00:05:55,439 --> 00:05:57,951
Maybe I'm just wasting
my time in the theater.
142
00:05:57,975 --> 00:06:00,141
Come on, Woody,
don't give up so easily.
143
00:06:00,177 --> 00:06:02,310
Once upon a time,
there was a young man
144
00:06:02,346 --> 00:06:04,980
named Grif Palmer
who also auditioned
145
00:06:05,015 --> 00:06:07,449
for many a role
that he didn't get.
146
00:06:07,484 --> 00:06:08,783
As many as me?
147
00:06:08,818 --> 00:06:10,618
Well, no.
148
00:06:11,855 --> 00:06:14,022
Wait, wait, I've got a thought.
149
00:06:14,057 --> 00:06:16,324
What would you say if I told you
150
00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:18,526
I've selected a fresh, new face
151
00:06:18,561 --> 00:06:21,196
to understudy the
role of Mark Twain?
152
00:06:21,231 --> 00:06:23,664
I think you'll be
hearing his name
153
00:06:23,700 --> 00:06:27,469
quite a bit from now
on... Mr. Woody Boyd.
154
00:06:27,504 --> 00:06:28,470
Hey, that's me!
155
00:06:28,505 --> 00:06:29,637
Hey, everybody,
156
00:06:29,672 --> 00:06:30,938
I'm going to be an understudy!
157
00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:32,017
Hey, all right.
158
00:06:32,041 --> 00:06:33,186
All right, Wood.
159
00:06:33,210 --> 00:06:34,375
That's good.
160
00:06:34,411 --> 00:06:35,654
Woody, this isn't
going to interfere
161
00:06:35,678 --> 00:06:36,844
with your job, is it?
162
00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:39,481
Gee, I don't think so.
163
00:06:39,516 --> 00:06:42,751
Well... yeah.
164
00:06:42,786 --> 00:06:46,254
I'm sorry, Woody, I
need you here nights.
165
00:06:46,289 --> 00:06:48,823
Miss Howe, this is
my golden chance.
166
00:06:48,859 --> 00:06:50,158
I have to do this.
167
00:06:50,193 --> 00:06:52,526
Don't you understand,
I just gotta do it!
168
00:06:52,562 --> 00:06:55,063
I just gotta!
169
00:06:59,119 --> 00:07:00,163
That was really good, man.
170
00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:02,667
Can I talk to you
just a second here?
171
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:04,734
Let him do it.
172
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,758
I would love to,
but I need him here.
173
00:07:06,793 --> 00:07:07,903
Well, he'll be here.
174
00:07:07,927 --> 00:07:09,327
You saw that performance.
175
00:07:09,363 --> 00:07:11,923
They're not going
to let him go on.
176
00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:14,932
Break a leg, Woody.
177
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:17,001
All right!
178
00:07:17,037 --> 00:07:18,703
Welcome to the theater, Woody.
179
00:07:18,738 --> 00:07:21,173
To the ranks of the
Lunts and the Oliviers.
180
00:07:21,208 --> 00:07:22,940
To a profession rife with style,
181
00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:25,076
with history, with dignity.
182
00:07:25,111 --> 00:07:27,011
To a calling I only hope
183
00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:30,549
will bring you as much
joy as it has brought me.
184
00:07:31,685 --> 00:07:35,203
Hi. Hello.
185
00:07:35,238 --> 00:07:36,587
You know Grif Palmer?
186
00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:39,658
Yeah. He's the janitor
at my kids' school.
187
00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:51,736
Hello, good-mannered
and agreeable children.
188
00:07:52,772 --> 00:07:54,239
Hey, everybody,
189
00:07:54,274 --> 00:07:55,890
look who's here.
190
00:07:55,925 --> 00:07:59,410
It's that famous
actor Robert De Zero.
191
00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:03,715
Uh, Carla, it's me, Woody.
192
00:08:03,750 --> 00:08:04,949
Woody,
193
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,328
you have been coming in here
194
00:08:06,352 --> 00:08:08,764
dressed in that ridiculous
getup for three weeks.
195
00:08:08,788 --> 00:08:11,100
Now, when are you going
to stop this nonsense?
196
00:08:11,124 --> 00:08:13,658
Carla, as an understudy,
I have to be dressed
197
00:08:13,693 --> 00:08:17,194
and ready to go on
at a moment's notice.
198
00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:19,196
Putting on makeup
like this can take hours.
199
00:08:19,232 --> 00:08:21,099
But I wouldn't expect
you to understand.
200
00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:23,835
Why, 'cause I'm
not in the theater?
201
00:08:23,870 --> 00:08:25,536
No, because you
don't wear makeup.
202
00:08:28,308 --> 00:08:29,685
Huckleberry alert.
203
00:08:29,709 --> 00:08:30,992
Hey, Mark Twit!
204
00:08:32,896 --> 00:08:34,428
Woody, would you
205
00:08:34,464 --> 00:08:35,708
run upstairs and
get some change?
206
00:08:35,732 --> 00:08:36,714
Ones and fives.
207
00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:38,349
New bills if they've got them.
208
00:08:38,384 --> 00:08:41,480
"Uh, let us not
be too particular.
209
00:08:41,504 --> 00:08:43,171
"It is better to have
210
00:08:43,206 --> 00:08:45,873
old secondhand
diamonds than none at all."
211
00:08:45,908 --> 00:08:47,019
Do you think you could manage it
212
00:08:47,043 --> 00:08:48,176
without any quotes?
213
00:08:48,211 --> 00:08:51,346
"I could do it as easy
as falling off a log."
214
00:08:51,381 --> 00:08:53,965
Woody, just do it!
215
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:55,567
"When angry, count four.
216
00:08:55,602 --> 00:08:57,201
When very angry, swear."
217
00:08:57,236 --> 00:08:59,688
Damn it! There you go.
218
00:09:01,892 --> 00:09:04,292
Sam, run upstairs and
get me some change.
219
00:09:04,327 --> 00:09:07,028
Aw, come on, that's a
junior bartender's job.
220
00:09:07,064 --> 00:09:08,830
You are the junior bartender.
221
00:09:08,865 --> 00:09:10,165
Oh, right. Yeah.
222
00:09:11,234 --> 00:09:13,968
Yeah, but I'm-I'm working
my way up, you know?
223
00:09:14,004 --> 00:09:16,564
Pretty soon, I might
even own my own bar.
224
00:09:21,194 --> 00:09:22,427
Good evening, ma'am.
225
00:09:22,462 --> 00:09:24,812
Oh, hello, there.
226
00:09:26,215 --> 00:09:27,415
Oh, thank you.
227
00:09:27,450 --> 00:09:30,535
I'm blind as a bat
without glasses.
228
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:33,037
I've never seen a
bat with glasses.
229
00:09:35,808 --> 00:09:37,074
That's funny.
230
00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:39,511
Yeah, I can imagine.
231
00:09:43,049 --> 00:09:45,616
I believe it might rain soon.
232
00:09:45,651 --> 00:09:48,681
"One of the brightest gems
of the New England weather
233
00:09:48,705 --> 00:09:50,671
is the dazzling
uncertainty of it."
234
00:09:50,707 --> 00:09:52,690
Well, what can you do?
235
00:09:52,725 --> 00:09:54,370
"Everybody talks
about the weather,
236
00:09:54,394 --> 00:09:56,434
but no one ever does
anything about it."
237
00:09:57,864 --> 00:10:01,699
Uh, may I have a glass
of white wine, please?
238
00:10:01,734 --> 00:10:03,468
Wine.
239
00:10:03,503 --> 00:10:04,852
White wine.
240
00:10:04,888 --> 00:10:06,637
Uh... let's see, now.
241
00:10:06,673 --> 00:10:09,023
They have a lot of wine in
San Francisco, don't they?
242
00:10:09,059 --> 00:10:10,407
Oh, I suppose they do.
243
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,710
"One of the coldest
winters I ever spent
244
00:10:12,745 --> 00:10:14,445
was summer in San Francisco."
245
00:10:15,915 --> 00:10:17,994
Sorry, that's as
close as I could get.
246
00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:21,252
You're rather amusing.
247
00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:22,332
Well, thanks.
248
00:10:22,356 --> 00:10:23,833
But I've been
quoting Mark Twain.
249
00:10:23,857 --> 00:10:26,624
I know; I think that's amusing.
250
00:10:28,077 --> 00:10:30,478
And, uh, I suppose
that you've been told
251
00:10:30,513 --> 00:10:32,480
that you look
something like him.
252
00:10:32,515 --> 00:10:33,831
Yeah, I get that a lot.
253
00:10:35,752 --> 00:10:37,980
You know, you look a
little bit like Emily Dickinson.
254
00:10:38,004 --> 00:10:40,171
She's one of the
authors in hell.
255
00:10:40,207 --> 00:10:42,740
Oh, that's an unkind
assumption, sir.
256
00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:49,247
Although she's never been
one of my favorites, either.
257
00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:51,515
Here's your change.
258
00:10:51,551 --> 00:10:53,718
And, oh, yeah, a little
something for you here.
259
00:10:53,753 --> 00:10:54,964
What is it?
260
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:56,955
One of the shrimps
from up at the buffet table.
261
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:59,757
Ew!
262
00:10:59,792 --> 00:11:00,792
You're lucky.
263
00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:02,093
My first choice was an oyster.
264
00:11:02,128 --> 00:11:04,528
So was mine, but I hired you.
265
00:11:06,699 --> 00:11:08,527
I haven't seen you
in here before, have I?
266
00:11:08,551 --> 00:11:10,084
Uh, no, I don't
267
00:11:10,119 --> 00:11:13,104
get around much since my
husband, Lloyd, passed away.
268
00:11:13,139 --> 00:11:14,105
We used to come by here
269
00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:15,973
every evening during our walk,
270
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:18,176
but, uh, Lloyd
never let us come in.
271
00:11:18,211 --> 00:11:20,811
He got jealous when I
was around other men.
272
00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:22,514
I can see why.
273
00:11:22,549 --> 00:11:25,600
Oh, for heaven's sakes.
274
00:11:25,635 --> 00:11:28,052
Oh, I think you're blushing.
275
00:11:28,088 --> 00:11:30,088
Oh, it's the wine.
276
00:11:32,558 --> 00:11:34,975
Although as Mark Twain said,
277
00:11:35,011 --> 00:11:38,446
"Man is the only
animal that blushes."
278
00:11:38,481 --> 00:11:39,664
"Or needs to."
279
00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:45,386
All aboard the S.S. Delmonico.
280
00:11:46,923 --> 00:11:48,567
Embarking at 0900
hours for Nassau,
281
00:11:48,591 --> 00:11:49,702
St. Thomas, Martinique,
282
00:11:49,726 --> 00:11:51,203
and other exotic ports of call.
283
00:11:55,832 --> 00:11:57,899
So you took my advice, huh?
284
00:11:57,934 --> 00:11:59,634
Yes. As of close
of business today,
285
00:11:59,669 --> 00:12:00,768
it's just us.
286
00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:03,070
A couple of fun-loving
swabbies lost at sea.
287
00:12:03,105 --> 00:12:05,283
We'll be todo incomunicado.
288
00:12:05,307 --> 00:12:07,174
No business, no clients,
289
00:12:07,209 --> 00:12:09,744
no phone call...
290
00:12:09,779 --> 00:12:11,724
Lilith, we promised no beepers.
291
00:12:11,748 --> 00:12:13,981
I won't give it up
without a fight.
292
00:12:14,017 --> 00:12:16,884
You'll have to
perform a strip search.
293
00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:18,986
The vacation has begun.
294
00:12:19,022 --> 00:12:20,320
Now hear this.
295
00:12:20,356 --> 00:12:22,156
Hear this, Sternin.
296
00:12:22,191 --> 00:12:24,324
Prepare to be boarded.
297
00:12:34,454 --> 00:12:36,187
Folks, I have a bit of bad news
298
00:12:36,223 --> 00:12:37,888
that may affect a lot of you.
299
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:40,769
I'm not going to
beat around the bush,
300
00:12:40,793 --> 00:12:42,538
I'm just going to come
right out and say it.
301
00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:43,962
Last call.
302
00:12:48,685 --> 00:12:52,019
Well, what the heck, maybe I'll
303
00:12:52,054 --> 00:12:54,888
give Vera a thrill and go
home a little early tonight.
304
00:12:54,924 --> 00:12:56,390
Although, you know,
305
00:12:56,426 --> 00:13:00,361
she did look kind
of thrilled when I left.
306
00:13:01,430 --> 00:13:02,692
Excuse me, Mary, uh...
307
00:13:02,716 --> 00:13:04,460
listen, I'll be
back in a second,
308
00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:06,228
and then... then
I'll see you home.
309
00:13:06,252 --> 00:13:08,452
Oh, that's all right.
310
00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:09,954
But thank you.
311
00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:12,490
I've had a wonderful evening.
312
00:13:12,526 --> 00:13:13,769
Well, I have, too.
313
00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:15,170
I really enjoyed your company.
314
00:13:15,194 --> 00:13:16,561
You're a very nice lady.
315
00:13:16,596 --> 00:13:18,162
And you're a lovely gentleman.
316
00:13:18,197 --> 00:13:21,499
And may I add, you have
the most glorious head of hair
317
00:13:21,535 --> 00:13:24,068
I've seen on any man
since my Lloyd died.
318
00:13:24,103 --> 00:13:26,148
Gee, I hate to disappoint you,
319
00:13:26,172 --> 00:13:27,416
but this is a wig.
320
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,724
Yes. So was Lloyd's.
321
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:35,179
Um, pardon me, ma'am,
322
00:13:35,215 --> 00:13:38,415
uh, but that adorable
bartender over there.
323
00:13:38,451 --> 00:13:40,417
Woody? Uh, yes.
324
00:13:40,453 --> 00:13:43,254
Is he keeping company
with anyone in particular?
325
00:13:43,289 --> 00:13:45,422
Not that I know of.
326
00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:47,803
Well, I think he's very special.
327
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:51,162
Well, I guess that's the
nicest way of putting it.
328
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:54,798
Good night. Night.
329
00:13:58,537 --> 00:14:00,437
Oh, Woods.
330
00:14:01,741 --> 00:14:06,177
You know that dust in a dress
you've been yakking with?
331
00:14:07,163 --> 00:14:09,463
Mary?
332
00:14:09,498 --> 00:14:12,083
You didn't, by any
chance, happen to tell her
333
00:14:12,118 --> 00:14:15,269
that you're wearing old man
makeup for a play, did you?
334
00:14:15,304 --> 00:14:16,698
That sort of thing
is pretty hard
335
00:14:16,722 --> 00:14:19,957
to work into polite
conversation.
336
00:14:19,992 --> 00:14:22,260
With your makeup,
and the lighting in here,
337
00:14:22,295 --> 00:14:24,462
and those Mr. Magoo
glasses of hers...
338
00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:26,697
I think she got the wrong idea.
339
00:14:26,732 --> 00:14:28,666
She's got the hots for you.
340
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,701
Carla, you're crazy.
341
00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:32,303
She's just a sad old woman
342
00:14:32,338 --> 00:14:34,116
who needed someone to talk to.
343
00:14:34,140 --> 00:14:36,474
You of all people
should understand that.
344
00:14:41,031 --> 00:14:42,925
There's no way
she's gonna go for me.
345
00:14:42,949 --> 00:14:45,461
I mean, in order for her
to fall in love with me,
346
00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:47,830
I'd have to be the best
darn actor in Boston.
347
00:14:55,828 --> 00:14:57,027
Oh, no,
348
00:14:57,062 --> 00:15:00,364
I'm the best darn
actor in Boston.
349
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:14,560
Hello, mon.
350
00:15:16,504 --> 00:15:19,038
I'm sorry, uh, Limbo
Night's Tuesday, man.
351
00:15:19,074 --> 00:15:20,384
Hey, mon, you stop
bad mouth styling,
352
00:15:20,408 --> 00:15:21,853
or I'm gonna have to
bop you on the head
353
00:15:21,877 --> 00:15:23,109
with a banana boat, mon.
354
00:15:24,646 --> 00:15:25,828
Frasier, please
355
00:15:25,864 --> 00:15:27,091
cut the calypso.
356
00:15:27,115 --> 00:15:30,984
Isn't it enough the cabdriver
already took a swing at you?
357
00:15:31,019 --> 00:15:32,479
You guys look like
you had a good time.
358
00:15:32,503 --> 00:15:33,920
We had oodles of fun.
359
00:15:33,956 --> 00:15:36,789
And we lost a combined
11 pounds to boot.
360
00:15:36,825 --> 00:15:38,469
Wait, you lost
weight on a cruise?
361
00:15:38,493 --> 00:15:40,405
I heard there were
wall-to-wall meals.
362
00:15:40,429 --> 00:15:42,829
There were also
wall-to-wall waves.
363
00:15:43,565 --> 00:15:44,597
Yes.
364
00:15:44,633 --> 00:15:45,665
Well, fortunately,
365
00:15:45,700 --> 00:15:47,433
after three days of
giving Chef Hugo's
366
00:15:47,468 --> 00:15:48,768
fine cuisine back to the sea,
367
00:15:48,804 --> 00:15:51,137
we were fitted with these
little, uh, ear patches.
368
00:15:51,173 --> 00:15:52,522
They seemed to do the trick.
369
00:15:52,558 --> 00:15:56,859
And put us to sleep
for the rest of the trip.
370
00:15:56,895 --> 00:15:59,279
So you guys spent
seven days and nights
371
00:15:59,314 --> 00:16:02,582
snoozing and barfing your
way through the Caribbean?
372
00:16:03,568 --> 00:16:04,662
And we've never felt
373
00:16:04,686 --> 00:16:06,697
slimmer and more refreshed.
374
00:16:06,721 --> 00:16:08,588
Well, what say we go
get some lunch there,
375
00:16:08,624 --> 00:16:10,373
my little marine melon?
376
00:16:10,409 --> 00:16:11,491
Anything you want.
377
00:16:11,526 --> 00:16:12,792
Just promise me you won't
378
00:16:12,827 --> 00:16:14,538
refer to the
waitress as "Sista."
379
00:16:15,864 --> 00:16:16,896
♪ Day-o ♪
380
00:16:16,931 --> 00:16:18,547
♪ Day-ay-ay-o ♪
381
00:16:18,583 --> 00:16:20,967
♪ Daylight come, and
me wanna home. ♪
382
00:16:21,002 --> 00:16:23,442
You're not the only one.
383
00:16:26,074 --> 00:16:27,140
Oh, hey, Woody.
384
00:16:27,176 --> 00:16:28,553
I thought your, uh, play closed.
385
00:16:28,577 --> 00:16:30,726
It did, last night.
386
00:16:30,762 --> 00:16:31,711
Oh, so, uh...
387
00:16:31,746 --> 00:16:33,396
what's with the old geezer drag?
388
00:16:33,432 --> 00:16:34,697
I was with Mary.
389
00:16:34,732 --> 00:16:35,815
Another date, huh?
390
00:16:35,850 --> 00:16:37,066
It wasn't a date.
391
00:16:37,101 --> 00:16:39,803
I just took her to lunch, then
a movie, and then dancing.
392
00:16:41,273 --> 00:16:43,139
Hey, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody.
393
00:16:43,174 --> 00:16:44,640
Man, this is crazy.
394
00:16:44,675 --> 00:16:46,609
You, you know, you've
been out with Mary
395
00:16:46,644 --> 00:16:47,910
every night this week.
396
00:16:47,945 --> 00:16:50,463
You can't spend your life
dressed up like Mark Twain.
397
00:16:50,499 --> 00:16:51,981
Why not? He did.
398
00:16:54,453 --> 00:16:56,869
Oh, Sam, I... I don't
know what to do.
399
00:16:56,905 --> 00:16:58,716
I've tried to tell her,
but every time I do,
400
00:16:58,740 --> 00:17:00,206
she just stares at me
401
00:17:00,242 --> 00:17:02,120
with those big lonely eyes.
402
00:17:02,144 --> 00:17:04,222
I mean, who'd have
thought that my God-given
403
00:17:04,246 --> 00:17:06,913
acting talent was gonna
turn out to be a curse?
404
00:17:06,948 --> 00:17:08,381
Are we voting?
405
00:17:10,451 --> 00:17:13,119
You got to nip this in the bud.
406
00:17:13,154 --> 00:17:14,287
Yeah, I agree there, Woody.
407
00:17:14,323 --> 00:17:16,133
A young, such as yourself,
408
00:17:16,157 --> 00:17:18,991
to be spending so much
time with an older woman is
409
00:17:19,027 --> 00:17:20,460
eh, it's just unnatural.
410
00:17:20,495 --> 00:17:22,440
Yeah, well, how
about you, Cliff?
411
00:17:22,464 --> 00:17:23,841
You spend lots of
time with your mother,
412
00:17:23,865 --> 00:17:25,165
and she's old.
413
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:26,499
My ma's not old,
414
00:17:26,535 --> 00:17:28,012
and she's never
gonna die before I do,
415
00:17:28,036 --> 00:17:29,735
so just shut up, okay?!
416
00:17:35,777 --> 00:17:37,009
Hey, hey, Woods.
417
00:17:37,045 --> 00:17:38,628
Mary just came in.
418
00:17:38,663 --> 00:17:40,274
Maybe you should get
her a glass or something.
419
00:17:40,298 --> 00:17:41,959
She doesn't drink
in the afternoon.
420
00:17:41,983 --> 00:17:43,816
No, I mean to put her teeth in.
421
00:17:46,838 --> 00:17:48,872
Hi, Mary.
422
00:17:48,907 --> 00:17:49,706
Hi.
423
00:17:49,741 --> 00:17:50,818
What are you doing here?
424
00:17:50,842 --> 00:17:52,408
I just wanted to see you again.
425
00:17:52,443 --> 00:17:53,710
Yeah.
426
00:17:53,745 --> 00:17:54,889
Look, can we sit down?
427
00:17:54,913 --> 00:17:56,290
I'd like to talk
with you a second.
428
00:17:56,314 --> 00:17:57,647
All right.
429
00:18:00,184 --> 00:18:01,428
Listen, I...
430
00:18:01,452 --> 00:18:04,186
I know how lonely you've
been since Lloyd passed away.
431
00:18:04,222 --> 00:18:06,322
Oh, how lonely I was.
432
00:18:06,357 --> 00:18:08,717
I'm not anymore.
433
00:18:10,646 --> 00:18:12,545
You know,
434
00:18:12,580 --> 00:18:16,149
loneliness is highly underrated.
435
00:18:17,435 --> 00:18:20,403
It's one of the few things
left that you can still do alone.
436
00:18:20,438 --> 00:18:22,171
Did Mark Twain say that?
437
00:18:22,206 --> 00:18:24,758
No, but I'm kind of
running out of his material.
438
00:18:26,310 --> 00:18:28,689
There's something
I want to give you.
439
00:18:28,713 --> 00:18:30,530
It's Lloyd's watch.
440
00:18:30,565 --> 00:18:31,631
Oh.
441
00:18:31,667 --> 00:18:33,750
I want you to have it.
442
00:18:33,785 --> 00:18:36,720
No, I couldn't. Oh, please.
443
00:18:36,755 --> 00:18:39,155
Ah, gee, thanks, Mary.
444
00:18:40,725 --> 00:18:42,074
Would you excuse
me for a second?
445
00:18:42,110 --> 00:18:43,510
Sure.
446
00:18:44,613 --> 00:18:46,313
Oh, wait.
447
00:18:46,348 --> 00:18:50,466
I just want to memorize
the way you look in this light.
448
00:18:51,903 --> 00:18:53,636
Go ahead.
449
00:18:59,227 --> 00:19:00,738
Sam, I don't know what to do.
450
00:19:00,762 --> 00:19:02,807
Now she's memorizing
the way I look
451
00:19:02,831 --> 00:19:04,525
in different kinds of light.
452
00:19:04,549 --> 00:19:06,344
Oh, I don't know, Woody.
Women do that all the time.
453
00:19:06,368 --> 00:19:08,768
Yeah, and she gave me
her dead husband's watch.
454
00:19:11,873 --> 00:19:14,841
You could do a lot worse.
455
00:19:16,344 --> 00:19:18,644
Listen, you got to end this.
456
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:20,079
Right now, go on.
457
00:19:20,114 --> 00:19:21,224
I don't know how.
458
00:19:21,248 --> 00:19:22,960
You know, I-I can't
stand the thought
459
00:19:22,984 --> 00:19:24,428
of hurting somebody's feelings.
460
00:19:24,452 --> 00:19:25,552
I know.
461
00:19:25,587 --> 00:19:27,165
Carla, you've been
dumped a million times.
462
00:19:27,189 --> 00:19:28,371
What's the best way to do it?
463
00:19:30,492 --> 00:19:33,759
You know, the only reason
I'm not cleaning your clock
464
00:19:33,794 --> 00:19:36,362
is because you remind
me of Jed Clampett.
465
00:19:38,132 --> 00:19:39,699
Listen, you are not dumping her.
466
00:19:39,734 --> 00:19:41,000
You're leveling with her.
467
00:19:41,035 --> 00:19:43,202
Now, it's-it's the only
honest thing to do.
468
00:19:43,237 --> 00:19:45,337
Now, go on, be a man. Do it.
469
00:19:46,791 --> 00:19:48,390
You're right, Sam.
470
00:19:48,426 --> 00:19:50,993
It's time I stood
on my own two feet
471
00:19:51,028 --> 00:19:53,128
and did what's right. Right.
472
00:19:53,164 --> 00:19:55,765
Will you come with me?
473
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:57,511
This is something you
got to do by yourself.
474
00:19:57,535 --> 00:19:58,434
I can't.
475
00:19:58,470 --> 00:19:59,852
Well, I-I'm not
gonna do it, Woody.
476
00:19:59,887 --> 00:20:01,432
Please, Sam,
477
00:20:01,456 --> 00:20:02,533
I can't do this by myself.
478
00:20:02,557 --> 00:20:03,634
You've got to help me.
479
00:20:03,658 --> 00:20:04,857
All right, all right.
480
00:20:04,892 --> 00:20:06,803
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Thank you.
481
00:20:06,827 --> 00:20:09,095
You believe I'm
just an understudy?
482
00:20:14,085 --> 00:20:15,952
Um, Mary, Yes.
483
00:20:15,987 --> 00:20:18,454
Woody wants to
tell you something.
484
00:20:19,958 --> 00:20:22,141
Well, um...
485
00:20:22,176 --> 00:20:24,410
Mary, you see...
486
00:20:24,445 --> 00:20:26,178
Uh...
487
00:20:26,214 --> 00:20:28,865
I mean, you know, uh, how...
488
00:20:28,900 --> 00:20:31,078
I don't suppose there's
any chance you understand
489
00:20:31,102 --> 00:20:32,635
what I'm talking about yet.
490
00:20:32,670 --> 00:20:34,920
Actually, I do.
491
00:20:34,956 --> 00:20:38,891
Let me explain
something to you, Woody.
492
00:20:38,926 --> 00:20:43,296
I'm a very lonely woman
since I lost my husband.
493
00:20:43,331 --> 00:20:45,543
My family lives out of state.
494
00:20:45,567 --> 00:20:47,628
I never see my grandchildren,
495
00:20:47,652 --> 00:20:49,285
and most of my friends
496
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:51,232
have moved or passed away.
497
00:20:51,256 --> 00:20:54,557
Seems my days
are so hard to fill.
498
00:20:54,592 --> 00:20:56,570
I swear, there are mornings
499
00:20:56,594 --> 00:20:59,090
when it didn't seem
worthwhile getting out of bed.
500
00:20:59,114 --> 00:21:01,931
A-And then I met
you... Stop. Stop.
501
00:21:01,966 --> 00:21:03,348
Will you marry me?
502
00:21:07,021 --> 00:21:09,822
Heavens, no.
503
00:21:09,857 --> 00:21:12,158
I'm three times your age.
504
00:21:12,193 --> 00:21:14,393
You know that I'm young?
505
00:21:14,429 --> 00:21:17,513
Well, Woody, I may be
old, but I'm not stupid.
506
00:21:20,385 --> 00:21:22,425
Well, why didn't
you ever tell me this?
507
00:21:22,453 --> 00:21:24,599
Well, I enjoyed your company so.
508
00:21:24,623 --> 00:21:27,001
And besides, every
time I wanted to,
509
00:21:27,025 --> 00:21:30,860
you started quoting "The
Jumping Frog of Calaveras County"
510
00:21:32,230 --> 00:21:34,497
Now, I hope you're
not upset with me.
511
00:21:34,532 --> 00:21:35,715
Oh, are you kidding?
512
00:21:35,750 --> 00:21:37,545
I'm just glad I didn't
have to dump you.
513
00:21:38,653 --> 00:21:40,731
And besides, you had
such fun playing the part,
514
00:21:40,755 --> 00:21:42,304
and you were quite excellent.
515
00:21:42,340 --> 00:21:44,357
You sure you don't
want to marry me?
516
00:21:44,392 --> 00:21:45,937
Ah, no, Woody.
517
00:21:45,961 --> 00:21:47,393
Well, will you be my grandma?
518
00:21:47,428 --> 00:21:50,730
Uh, well, maybe a favorite aunt.
519
00:21:50,765 --> 00:21:53,199
It's a deal.
520
00:21:53,234 --> 00:21:55,768
My birthday is July 23rd.
521
00:21:57,288 --> 00:21:59,872
I just gave you the watch.
522
00:22:01,876 --> 00:22:03,409
By the way,
523
00:22:03,445 --> 00:22:06,395
we're still on for pot
roast on Saturday.
524
00:22:07,382 --> 00:22:09,181
Leave the wig at home.
525
00:22:11,702 --> 00:22:13,836
Bye-bye. Bye.
526
00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:18,107
Well, I guess in
a really weird way,
527
00:22:18,143 --> 00:22:20,226
it kind of worked
out, didn't it?
528
00:22:20,261 --> 00:22:21,539
Huh?
529
00:22:21,563 --> 00:22:24,196
Yeah. I'm still a
little depressed.
530
00:22:24,232 --> 00:22:25,565
Why?
531
00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:26,566
Well, I mean,
532
00:22:26,601 --> 00:22:28,334
Mary knows I'm a good actor,
533
00:22:28,370 --> 00:22:30,737
but now that Authors
in Hell is closed,
534
00:22:30,772 --> 00:22:33,740
I'm not gonna get to
show the rest of the world.
535
00:22:33,775 --> 00:22:36,208
Oh, yeah.
536
00:22:36,244 --> 00:22:37,876
You know what,
537
00:22:37,912 --> 00:22:38,956
I got an idea.
538
00:22:38,980 --> 00:22:40,358
Why don't you do it right here?
539
00:22:40,382 --> 00:22:41,859
Hop right up there,
and show the...
540
00:22:41,883 --> 00:22:43,009
show the whole bar.
541
00:22:43,033 --> 00:22:45,635
I don't know.
542
00:22:47,221 --> 00:22:48,571
All right.
543
00:22:48,606 --> 00:22:50,489
Gather 'round, everybody.
544
00:22:50,525 --> 00:22:52,991
I'm going to do Authors in Hell.
545
00:22:53,027 --> 00:22:55,328
I mean, if that's all right
with you, Miss Howe.
546
00:22:55,363 --> 00:22:57,947
Well, I was planning to wait
for the movie, but go ahead.
547
00:23:00,868 --> 00:23:03,068
Imagine if you will
548
00:23:03,104 --> 00:23:05,137
a huge book opens up,
549
00:23:05,172 --> 00:23:08,941
and I... Mark Twain... step out.
550
00:23:08,976 --> 00:23:12,211
I am surrounded by various
tormented American writers.
551
00:23:12,247 --> 00:23:13,896
And Satan.
552
00:23:15,867 --> 00:23:17,700
The lights dim.
553
00:23:24,876 --> 00:23:27,944
Persons attempting
554
00:23:27,979 --> 00:23:30,112
to find a motive
in this narrative
555
00:23:30,147 --> 00:23:32,314
will be prosecuted.
556
00:23:32,350 --> 00:23:34,650
Persons attempting
557
00:23:34,686 --> 00:23:36,636
to find a moral in it
558
00:23:36,671 --> 00:23:39,204
will be banished.
559
00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:43,809
Persons attempting
to find a plot in it
560
00:23:43,844 --> 00:23:46,279
will be shot.
561
00:24:02,964 --> 00:24:05,264
Woody, go on.
562
00:24:06,584 --> 00:24:08,217
Well, I just sit here and smoke.
563
00:24:08,253 --> 00:24:12,338
I don't talk again till
the middle of act four.
39224
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