All language subtitles for Cheers - 825 - Cry Hard

(Sam)
cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Well, not only is skin
the, uh, largest organ
in the body,

but another interesting
little tidbit about skin

is that the, uh, human body
sheds about 3 pounds of it

over the course
of a year.

Ew. Some of mine
just crawled away.

I don't understand.
Where does it go?

Into the atmosphere.
Dust.

What?
Yeah, yeah.

About 75% of all dust
is, uh, human skin.

That is really
interesting, mr. Clavin.

Yeesh!

Cliff, dust is not skin.
That's ridiculous.

Well, ok. Normie. Well,
you--you think i'm making
this stuff up?

It was 2 whole chapters
in the big book of skin.

Frasier, straighten
him out, ok?

What happens
to old, dead skin?

Apparently,
it sits on bar stools
and drinks beer all day.

¶ Making your way
in the world today ¶

¶ takes everything
you've got ¶

¶ taking a break
from all your worries ¶

¶ sure would help a lot

¶ wouldn't you like
to get away ¶

¶ sometimes you want to go

¶ where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ and they're always
glad you came ¶

¶ you wanna be
where you can see ¶

¶ our troubles
are all the same ¶

¶ you wanna be
where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ you wanna go
where people know ¶

¶ people are all the same

¶ you wanna go
where everybody
knows your name ¶

(carla)
sam, i've been
fiddlin' around

with the computer
in there,

and i just can't
seem to enter
rebecca's system.

Take a number.

Well, exactly why
do you wanna use
rebecca's computer?

Because i--i just have
this great idea

that i think would really
improve things in the bar.

Yeah? Like what?

Well, i wanna tap
into the corporate
payroll system

and give myself
a big raise.

Well, how would that
improve the bar?

Come on.
I'd be a much
happier employee

and less likely to do
things like this
to customers.

Well, best of luck, then.

You can't get into
the main computer

without rebecca's
secret password.
You know that.

Yeah, well, i'm trying
to figure out what
the password is.

Well, it's usually
something personal.

How about "loser"?

Tried it.

Uh, "flunky"?
Tried it.

How about
"hard-working
young woman

who never gets
the recognition
she deserves"?

It's too many letters, man.

Then how about
"screw-up"?

Worth a try. All right.
(Sam)
go for it.

Yeah.

I tell you, you know,
if i ever ran this bar again,
if it was mine,

there'd be a lot of
changes around here.

I would have raises
right across the board.

Woody, how much
you make an hour?

$7.

You're kidding me.

I only make $6.80.

Hey, carla,
try "skinflint"!

What are you
readin' there, wood?

Oh, well, my landlord
raised my rent,

and, you know,
i like my neighborhood
and all but...

well, i lived there
for a long time.

I guess
it's time to move on.

'Cause if you're not
lookin' at the sports, uh...

hey, check this out.

"High-security building,
large units, back bay area."

They only want
$250 a month.

No way.

Well, just out
of curiosity, woody, uh,

what's this place called?

"Acme self-storage."

It sounds pretty
swanky, huh?

Woody, i have
a feeling you--

you really wouldn't
like to live there.

Well, why not, dr. Crane?

Is it because you live
in the back bay?

Is it because you'd be
embarrassed to have me
as your neighbor?

Well, this is a free country.
I can live anywhere i want.

Ok, but no loud parties.

[Sighing]

no luck, sammy.

I guess, uh, i don't know.
I can't get
into that computer.

I'm just gonna keep on
workin' for peanuts.

Hey, how about peanuts?

Well, that would be
a stupid password.

No, i mean pass the peanuts.
Cliff sneezed
all over the pretzels.

Oh, yeah, sure.
Like i was the only one.

You know, i've had
a password lock
on my computer for years.

See, after every session,
i transcribe my notes
into my p.C.

We're talking about some,
you know,
very sensitive, intimate,

sometimes shocking
information nobody
should be privy to.

For example,
take a look at this guy.

And this lunatic's
a judge.

My whole world is a void.

Empty and without meaning.

There's no point to anything,
and there's nothing left to do

but just count the minutes
until i die.

Oh, hear that, gang?
Our hive has found a queen.

(All)
hail, queen.

What's wrong?

My life is garbage.

Ah, rebecca, cheer up.
Have some pretzels.

No, no, no, no!

What's the trouble
this time?

I just found out that
robin bought a house
on the left bank

for his babe,
jean-marie.

Bought her a house?
Jeez, that's tough.

Ah, big deal.
Him buying a house

is like anyone else
buying a dozen roses.

Yeah, or a box of candy.

Or an engagement ring.

Thanks, woody.

I just like
to participate.

Frasier,

you're possibly 5% smarter
than anyone else here.

What do you think?

Do you think that
he bought her a house

for, you know, maybe just
the heck of it?

You know, i've seen
this sort of thing a lot.

What, people buying houses
for no good reason?

No. Desperate women
like you
grabbing at straws.

Pathetic, isn't it?

I've got to quit
fooling myself here.

Robin called
from the airplane

and left a message
on my answering machine

and said that he needed
to talk to me.

And we all know
what that means.
You know, break up with me.

Well, now,
i have a question.

When he left that message
he was flying
on the concorde, right?

Sure, but what does
that have to do with it?

Well, it doesn't
make sense.

I mean, if mr. Colcord
was flying faster
than the speed of sound

when he left
a break-up message
for you,

wouldn't he get here
before you got the message?

You--you see that, uh,

that telephone sound
is being carried
by radio waves

which are much faster
than normal sound waves.

All right, look, let's say,
you and i both are gonna
break up with rebecca,

only i just have
a megaphone, right,

and you're doin' it
over the radio.

Now, how far away is she?

Like a mile.

By the time
she gets my message,

she's already cryin'
from being dumped
by you.

That's amazing.
(Norm)
yeah.

Well, you know,
if you think
that's amazing, wood,

(cliff)
according to einstein's
theory of relativity,

if twin babies wanted
to break up with rebecca,
and one's traveling--

shut up,
shut up,
shut up!

I am in pain here.

Isn't it dangerous
to have a baby
on a rocket ship?

What should i do, frasier?

Well,

are you certain that
robin intends to leave you?

Well, what else
could it be?

And the bad part is,
all i can do is
stand here like a sap

and wait for it
to happen.

Well, rather than playing
your usual passive role,

why don't you take
an active stance
and beat him to the punch?

You mean break up
with him first?

Exactly. Preserve
your pride and dignity.

I guess that's
what i needed to hear.

Thank you.

You know,
interestingly enough,
there are some people

who actually feel
a moral obligation

to pay for
this sort of advice.

Yeah, well, they don't
know you the way we do.

And based on these
conic configurations,

halley's conclusions indicate
that a human being
traveling on his comet

could conceivably
break up with rebecca
once every 76 years.

Oh, darling. Did you
get my message?

Yes, i got
your message, robin.

I also found out that
you bought a house for
your little charge d'affaires,

and don't you try denying it
because i have got proof.

I'm sick of you
stringing me
along like this.

I am a human being
and i deserve to be
treated like one.

It's about time i stood up
and told you what i really
think of you.

Rebecca,

i was wondering if you might
consider moving in with me.

Ok.
Good.

[Furniture banging]

oh, this thing
weighs a ton.

Oh, i'm sorry, sammy.

Actually,
i loaded it up
before we left.

You know,

i think it's actually
the damn ice
that makes it so heavy.

Care for a, uh,
fudgesicle, sammy?

Hey. You guys,
don't take a break now.

There's still lots
of stuff to be
brought in.

Too late.
Already open.

Hey, if your boyfriend's
so rich, then

how come he didn't hire
professional movers?
Yeah.

Well, he would have,
but i wanted
to get in here

and surprise him
before he got back
from zurich tomorrow.

I'm making him meat loaf.

Rebecca, how does
your corporation feel
about you sharing a bed

with the competition?

Well, you know, norm,

i've been doing
a lot of soul-searching
about that lately,

and i've come to the decision
that i don't care.

Isn't it great here?
It's so beautiful.
It's like a palace.

You could get lost
in this place,
huh, wood?

Huh, wood?

Oh, here you are.

Oh, man.

This is like a dream
come true for me.

Me, here alone,
with the man i adore

in our cozy,
little love nest.

Big deal.
He bought jean-marie
a whole house.

That was just
a going-away present.

Robin always gives women
a furnished house
when he dumps them.

Boy, that's class.

I usually just give them
a made-up phone number.

I can't believe it.

Every day,
for the rest of my life,

i'm gonna be waking up
in robin's bed.

Ooh, and check out that bed.

I swear, you could lay
6 people end to end
on that thing.

If they were cute.

No, sammy, look at this.
Check it out, man.

Look at that canopy,
and check out
those furnishings.

That's the maid's room.

I guess, that would explain
the little old lady
in the nightgown.

Sorry!

Hey, miss howe, what's
that room down the hall?

That's robin's playroom
for his executive toys.

Don't go in there.
You're not allowed
to touch anything.

Oh, ok.

All right, woody.
5 minutes,
if you stop pouting.

Bye.

[Fax machine printing]

well, well, well,
what's this, huh?

Oh, norm, don't touch that.
That's robin's.
It's probably personal.

Yeah, you bet it's personal.
It's being addressed
to "sweet baby."

What?

This is from
the corporation.
I don't get it.

"Sweet baby" is my password
to the company computer.

How come it's comin' up
on robin's printer?

(Rebecca)
i don't know.

Look at this.
Marketing strategies,
advance bond issues,

confidential
executive memos.

This stuff's supposed
to be top-secret.

What do you mean,
top-secret?

Hmm, she means that
it's insider information,
sammy.

It's illegal for robin
to have this.

Matter of fact,
it's illegal for us
to have it.

Uh, norm,
you touched it last, man.

No, no, no,
your fingerprints
are all over this. Look.

Yeah, but you set me up.
You gave me a fudgesicle.
It's all over it.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute,
wait a minute, you guys.

Let's not jump to any
wild conclusions here.

Let's just look
at the facts.

Now all we
really know is that

robin is using
my--my secret password

to break into my corporation's
confidential files.

And from the date on these,
well, it looks like he's been
doing it since...

well, since the day after
we first slept together.

So all i think we can really
conclude from this is that

i am too stupid to live!

[Crying]
oh, god, i don't
believe this.

Oh, man.

Is everybody
having a nice day?

[Electronic bird chirping]

hey, is this guy
great or what?

You can make him do
darn near anything
with this remote.

Can you make him
strangle me?

Well, let's see.

I know you can make him
punch someone in the groin

or maybe that was
just a fluke.

Woody, woody.

I cannot believe
that robin would
use me like this.

Yeah, i know, he seems
like such a decent guy.

I mean,
it's not like he ever,
you know,

cheated on
any of your friends
in a business deal.

Oh. Well, no. Actually,
he did, didn't he? Hmm.

Well, at least
you never caught him
with another woman.

Oh, shoot.
That happened, too.

Well, maybe this
is the very last
bad thing he does.

Yeah. That's it.

Gee, sam,
do you think so?

Rebecca, maybe you are
too stupid to live.

It's quite obvious
from this information

that robin's planning
a hostile takeover
of your corporation.

And since that's
your computer password,

it could look like
you're in on it, too.

Wait a minute.
I could-- i could go
to jail for this.

Well, forget it.

I'm just gonna take this
information, and i'm gonna
have to turn him in.

If he thinks
i'm gonna go to jail
to save his butt,

he can forget it.

(Sam)
there you go.

But it is
the cutest butt.

You should see it when it
comes out of the shower.

Yeah, that's--
that's ok.
That's ok.

You know,
it beads all up
like a shiny, new car.

That's good, ok.

(Sam)
yo, woody!

Hey, woody,
we're leavin', man!

Right behind you, sam!

[Woody imitating horn honking]

so, is, uh, robin
dead meat, yet?

Uh-uh. No, he's got
another 15 minutes,

then rebecca's going
to go down to have a meeting
with the board of directors

and spill the beans.

How's she holding up,
by the way?

You know, honestly,
i've never seen her
like this.

Really upset.

You know, the first guy
i ever fell in love with
did the same thing.

Treated me like a dog.

He borrowed my car,
he sold it,

he gave the money
to his other girlfriend,

and then he didn't
even have the decency
to apologize.

Hmm.
But i got even
with him.

[Laughing]
i bet you did.
What'd you do?

I married him.

You remember
nick, huh?

[Laughing]

anyways, i agree with rebecca.
That colcord's a creep.

(All)
yeah.

Tell her
the worst part, norm.

She made us carry
this huge, heavy desk.

No, no, the part is,
she could go
to jail for this.

Yeah, but, sammy,
that was some heavy desk.

What kind of wood
was that made out of?

Uh, it must have
been oak.

Yeah?
It's one of your
heavier grains. Yeah.

Well, as any lumberjack
would tell you, though,

it's not the, uh, toughest one
to cut through.
No?

No, no. Hey, doc, uh, what do
you think the toughest thing
to cut through is?

Your unending bull.

Now, look,

i think it's appropriate
that we all consider the fact

that rebecca could
possibly go
to prison for this.

I mean, can you imagine

our helpless rebecca
in a women's prison?

Yeah.

Come on, wait,
this is serious.

What do you think, sam?
What do you think
she'll be wearin', huh?

Faded cutoff jeans
with a work shirt tied
just above the belly button?

Or a tight uniform
that sweats through

when she's wrestling
the sadistic warden, huh?

No, no. Look,
later, later,
you know?

At the end of the day,
when we have
a moment to relax.

No, wh-what are we
talking about here?

She's not gonna
go to jail.

She's gonna turn
that rich creep in.

(Sam)
i better go see if she needs
a ride or something.

Hey, cliff, uh,

wet tank top, no bra,

tussle in the shower.

Hey.
No, no, no, wait, wait,
whoa, whoa.

Save it for later.

Time to go.
Whoo!

Boy, did i miss
a poker game in here
or something?

I'm such a wreck, sam.

This last 24 hours
has been

a blurry stream of
chocolate and cigarettes,

cigarettes and chocolate.

I'd kill for a chocolate
cigarette right now.

I just... i can't go
through with this, sam.
I just can't do it.

Hold on now.
No, you got to here.

I mean,
you got robin's papers.
All you got to do is,

go down and hand 'em over.
I don't see
what the problem is.

The problem is
that i love him, sam.

Oh, you're not--
you're not
thinking rationally here.

Why do you say that?
You're about to light
a tootsie roll.

Wh-what? You don't love
the guy. Come on.

What do you know
about it?

You're not there
when we're alone together.

He's warm and tender
and giving.

He's a crook.

That's just
his way, sam.

He's not an evil person.

I--i know in his heart
of hearts that he really does
love me.

You know, there's a lot of
women that are higher up
in the corporation than me,

but he chose to take
advantage of me.

Doesn't that
tell you something?

I mean, would it be
so terrible if i didn't
turn him in?

What would happen?

I'll tell--
he would go to jail,

and you would
go to jail, too.

I know, i know.

Any chance we'd go
to the same jail?

Huh! How much
are you gonna take

before you realize
this guy is
no good for you?

I don't--
i don't know, sam.

How much does it take when
you're in love with someone?

You know, i've heard
stories about you
and that diane girl.

You put up with her
for 5 years.
5 years! What about that?

Sweetheart, i-if i could
have sent her to prison,

don't you think
i would have?

Anyways, anyways,
it's not just between
the 2 of you.

There--there's, you know,
shareholders,
uh, their families.

I mean, thousands of people
could be hurt by this.

You know, and if you don't
do something about it,
it's gonna be on your head.

I know.
You're right, sam.

Yeah.

Ok.

I'm ready to talk to
the board of directors.

Yeah, that's my girl.

Just don't turn
your back on them.

Why, because they're all
as treacherous as robin?

No. You just sat
in a snickers bar.

Oh, darn.
That's my favorite.

Guys,
she's goin' for it.

Give him hell,
rebecca!

Yeah, give him what
for there, becky.

We're proud of you.

Snitch!

[Clearing throat]
well, i guess i'd better
go call vera back.

W-what are you
talking about?
She didn't call.

Uh, yeah, she did.
Yesterday.

Something about, uh,
flat tire, interstate.

What the hell's the number
of that call box?

Is rebecca here, perchance?

She was supposed to have
moved into my apartment.
And not only is she missing,

but i seem to be missing
some documents that i need.

Well, she just left
on an errand.

I believe it had
something to do with

nailing someone's
rich hide to the wall.

I see. Do tell her
i was here.

You bet.

Sweet baby.

How you doing there?

Trying to figure out
the best way to approach this.

[Sighing]

i guess i should lead off
by saying that
i knew nothing about it.

But if i convince them that
i knew nothing about it,

and all the information
came through me, then
i'm gonna look like a fool.

I think that's
your ace in the hole.

He'll see you now.

Excuse me. What's this
supposed to be anyway?

[Sighing]

here i go.
Wish me luck.

Good luck, babe.

[Elevator bell dings]

rebecca. My darling.

What are you doing?

I'm turning you in.

You used me.
And don't try to deny it
because i've got proof.

Robin, i am a human being
and i deserve to be treated
like one.

Well, it's about time
i stood up
and did what was right.

Goodbye, robin.

Rebecca.

Will you marry me?

Ok.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait a second! Whoa!

Wait! Come on!
Open your eyes here!

He doesn't want
to marry you.
He's just using you.

Well, actually,
yes, i am.
See?

I'm using rebecca to make me
the happiest man on earth.

Oh, man.

Oh, isn't he
the sweetest baby?

Get out here. Listen,
he's just marrying you
to shut you up,

so he can take over
the corporation.

Yes, to give to her
as a wedding present,

and now you've
spoiled the surprise.
Happy?

I don't
believe you!

Honey, listen, you got-- you
got the evidence in your hand,
right here.

If somebody comes out
and sees this,
you're gonna be guilty, too.

Yes, well, then we must
make sure that
no one sees it.

Excuse me.

Boy, you really
come prepared,
don't you?

Well, i guess our business
here is finished.
For rebecca's sake,

this conversation
never happened.

The--the part happened
where you proposed
to me, didn't it?

Of course, my darling,
that was destiny.

Where's miss howe?

Uh, she just went down
to, uh, plug the meter.

Well, that seems very odd.

Uh, why is that?

We validate.

[Elevator bell chiming]
oh.

Oh, well,
h-here's the elevator.

I'll run down there
and tell--tell her that.

Yes, and you might also
tell her that we're deeply
concerned about her behavior.

Uh, why is that?

After she called
this emergency meeting
of the board of directors,

we did a little research
on miss howe

just to remind ourselves
who she was.

Turns out
she works for us.

How about that?

We also discovered
that she's been receiving

a great deal of
classified information
on her personal computer.

We were hoping she was
coming here to explain
her actions

before we turned
this matter over
to the authorities,

which we'll do
right now.

No, whoa, whoa, wait.
Excuse me, excuse me.

But it's-- it's not
rebecca's fault.

It's not her.
It--it's robin colcord

who planned this whole
hostile takeover thing.

I mean, she called this
meeting to warn you.

It's not her fault.

Robin colcord?

Yes. Yes, sir.
He's the one you want.

He was just using her,
you know,
to get information.

She's like a...
like an innocent dupe.

Mr. Malone, you're making
a very serious charge

against one of the leaders
of our financial community.

Do you have any evidence
to back it up?

Yeah, you bet i do.

You want evidence?

Look at this.
If this doesn't clear
rebecca's good name,

i don't know
what will, huh?

I mean, look at it.