All language subtitles for Cheers - 804 - How To Marry A Mailman

(Carla)
cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

I have a date
with miss howe.

Oh, she'll be right out.
Can i get you somethin'?

Ah, yes, i'll have a brandy,
louis xiii.

Hmm. Anything
for your friend?

Uh, no. He's, um, driving.

Ahem, excuse me,
mr. Colcord?

How do you do, sir,
remember me, norm peterson?

Ah, yes, of course.
I never forget a face.

You never know
when a name and a face
might be significant in life.

There you go.
You remember me,
cliff clavin?

Excuse me?

Uh, we were wondering, sir,
uh, when you were growing up
back in england,

did you get
that american television show
called the millionaire?

Uh, no, i'm sorry,
i missed that.
But we did get some, um, lucy.

Lucy, oh, yeah,
now there's a classic.

But getting back
to this millionaire show--
i loved, um, bilko.

Oh, yeah, bilko.

"Hey, doberman,
get in that jeep!"

Anyway, uh,
this millionaire show

is about a guy
named j. Beresford tipton,
tipton.

And, uh, he was,
uh, you know,
an incredibly nice guy.

He had tons of bucks.
Yeah.

He used to--
he used to just

pick people at random
and give 'em
a million dollars!

Really?

Yeah. Yeah, tax free.
Isn't that something?

You know what,
you're right.

The thing
that i didn't understand
about that show

was he used to give it
away to strangers.

Would've made so much
more sense to me, you know,

you probably
agree with me,
absolutely.

If he would've come up
to people, and, say,
in a bar, you know,

and said, "here you are.
Just have one million bucks."
That makes sense.

Yes, i can see
how that could
be very rewarding.

Sure. Sure it would.

I'm ready.

Oh, i don't
have any cash.

No, no. I got it. Whoa!
No, no, no, no.

No. Clavin will
be buying this one.
I got it. No, no.

Clifford clavin's
got it, sir.
I got it, i got it.

I've got a job, i'll do it.
I'll pay for it.

All right, woody,
uh, how much
do i owe you there,

for the man's drink?
$75.

He got it.

¶ Making your way
in the world today ¶

¶ takes everything
you've got ¶

¶ taking a break
from all your worries ¶

¶ sure would help a lot

¶ wouldn't you like
to get away ¶

¶ sometimes you want to go

¶ where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ and they're always
glad you came ¶

¶ you wanna be
where you can see ¶

¶ our troubles
are all the same ¶

¶ you wanna be
where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ you wanna go
where people know ¶

¶ people are all the same

¶ you wanna go
where everybody
knows your name ¶

what are you
watching, carla?

Oh, it's the end
of criminals at large.
Uh-huh.

Yeah, i've been following
this story for weeks.

There's something about it,
it's so bizarre.

All of these stories
are that way.

Yeah, yeah. But this one's
really outrageous, sam.

It's about this woman
who meets men,

marries 'em,
steals everything they own,

and then kills them.
What part
don't you understand?

Well, for some reason
they want to arrest her.

Not feeling at all bitter
toward the opposite sex,
are you, carla?

No. Why?

What's with your head?

There was an incident
in our lamaze class.

What happened?

Suffice it to say
that lamaze class

is not the place
to flirt.

You know,
the most wonderful thing
just happened to me

on the way over here.

(Sam)
and what is that?

I was in a car accident.

Oh, yeah. Nothing like
a little broken glass
and twisted metal

to put the spring back
in your step.

No, this was actually
just a fender-bender,

but the bender
happens to be
a plastic surgeon.

Now, he doesn't want me
to report this
to the insurance company,

so he said he will give me
the plastic surgery procedure

of my choice.
Isn't that great?

Woo!

He'll only do one thing?
Uh-huh.

Report the accident.

So, uh, ahem, what part
are we gonna do?

I don't know yet.

He gave me this book
to look through,
and decide what i wanted done.

Oh, miss howe,
i don't think you'd look good
with a honker that size.

Woody, that's the before.
Here's the after.

Well, that is smaller.
Now, um,

what do they do
with the left-over
nose bits?

Oh, man!
Ah, woody!

That is just
a little bit gross.

What?
That's a good question.

I mean, they put pig snouts
in liver sausage.

Oh!

They do not.

Read the package.

Hey, cliffie!

(Cliff)
hey, my friends.

I just got
a very auspicious message
on this, uh,

miracle of modern technology.

I didn't know they made
8-track answering machines.

Yeah. It seems
i got this message
from canada

from a certain, uh,
miss margaret o'keefe.

Who's margaret o'keefe?

Oh, she's a young woman
with whom cliff had
a brief romantic encounter.

If you don't
want to tell me,
just say so.

You don't have
to make things up.

I'm not gonna give
any fancy build-up.

I'm gonna let you listen to it
just as i heard it.

You can judge
for yourselves.
Now, feel the heat.

(Margaret)
hi, cliff.

I just wanna let you know
i'm gonna be in town tomorrow

and i hope you can
make time for me.
I need to see you.

Bye.

Huh? So, come on,
what do you think?

Uh, she's hungry for me.
I could hear
that little body tremblin'.

Cliffie, you know,
she didn't really
say anything.

Didn't say anything?
Not yet.

"Make time, need
to see you, bye."

Huh?

Hey, clavin,
why don't you wise up?

She's probably just comin'
over here to dump you.

Oh, by the way,
if i'm in the back room
when she comes,

would somebody call me?

Well, you know,
uh, carla,

i gave that possibility
some consideration.

And i, uh, figured

that if that dame
wanted to shove this lug
in a dead-letter file,

she would've 86ed me
with a postcard
and a 2-bit stamp.

Sam, is it me,
or is mr. Clavin

starting to sound
like raymond chandler?

Ah, mes amigos,

i know exactly
what's going on

in that sexy little
egg-shaped head of hers.

She left me,
lo those many months
ago, to pursue a career.

That wasn't enough, no sirree,
she wanted her man back.

Heck, hey, you've seen
my bumper sticker:

"letter carriers
do it on foot."

Yeah. Yeah, i have
seen that one.

I always wondered
what the hell it meant.

Uh, i'm not sure. They were
giving 'em away free.

So you and her
are getting pretty serious,
huh?

You betcha.
You betcha.

Well, cliff, that's a--
that's a pretty big step.

Outside of margaret,

have you ever had
a serious relationship?

Or a date?

(Cliff)
yep.

This one time in high school,
wendy beaman.

Wendy beaman.
What happened with wendy?

Uh, i asked her to go steady.
She accepted.

And, uh, wouldn't you know it,
the very next day,

i come down with this, uh,

darn pesky
little teenage problem.

Oh, your face
broke out, huh?

No. Hysterical blindness.

What? What did you say?

From the latin, uh,
blindis hystericolis.

Meaning that you couldn't
see, or what?

Oh, uh, well, you know,

i couldn't see whenever
she was around, but, uh,

once, uh, she wasn't there,
i could see fine.

Uh, so, uh,

we got into a big argument
about it.

We broke up
and as soon as she ran
crying out of my life, uh,

i could see
clear as a bell.

Cliff.
Yeah.

Would you be interested
in taking part
in a university project?

(Lilith)
no, let--let me
rephrase that.

Would you be interested
in being
a university project?

Well, i really don't have
a lot of time for that now,
but thanks for asking.

You know, guys,
i've been telling you
for a long time now that, uh,

like the proud bird
on my sleeve,
i was a lone eagle.

Yeah.

Even an eagle's got to mate
once in his life.

Molts in the spring.

Now, you know,

the female lays
1 to 3 eggs.

Incubation period's
about 35 days.

Cliff!
Thank god.

Oh, maggie-pants!

Oh, cliff,
i missed you so much.

Oh, i missed you, too.

Oh, turn around,
let me have a look at you.

Oh, your back bacon
is makin' me achin'!

Oh, cliff, i dreamed
of hearing you say that.

Oh. Sit down here.

It's so great
to be with you again.

I can't tell you
how hard these months
of separation have been.

The men up in canada,
well, they just
don't compare to you.

Oh.

They're just pale, pathetic
imitations of you, cliff.

Boy, that must be one
butt-ugly country.

I finally couldn't
stand it anymore,

and i had to come back
and--and ask you something.

Well, what?

Oh, no, i can't.
This is crazy.

Oh, come on, maggie.
Well, tell me, tell me.
Come on, what is it?

Well, cliff,

can i be your girl?

C-can you be my girl?

Oh, no. I shouldn't
have been that forward.
I'm really sorry.

Oh, you betcha, hon!
Can you be my girl?

Hey, guys,
did you hear that?

Cliff clavin's
got a girl!

Sammy, give me a bottle
of your best champagne!

All right, then.
Oh, maggie,

you made me
the happiest man
in the world, oh!

Hey, oh, sorry, guys.

You're not gonna be seein'
cliff clavin around here
very much anymore.

Maggie, you've made me
the happiest man in the world.

Oh, boy.

Just think of that.
After all these years,

i got myself
a steady girl.

I'm walking on air.
I'm high as a kite.

I'm blind as a mole.

Cliff, is something wrong
with your vision?

Uh, no. No, uh...

uh, i decided to
just, uh...

you know what happened?

Uh, i think
when i popped the cork
on the champagne,

a little bit of mist
got in my eyes,
and temporarily blinded me.

Oh, yeah. Yeah,
that must be why, uh,

sammy wears
those protective goggles
all the time.

Well, that's ok.

I didn't want
champagne anyhow.

I just want to run out,
and buy
something soft and silky

to wear
at your apartment tonight.

Oh, yeah, it's a good idea.
Hey, listen,
why don't you, uh,

why don't you
go buy me one, too?

Ok.

Bye, honey.
Bye.

Oh, my god,
this is terrible.

It's like
the wendy beaman episode
all over again.

You guys
got to help me.

Oh. Oh, you know,
i can see shapes now.
I'm coming out of it.

Good. Ok, yeah. I can see
carla's face clear as a bell.

Ah, what the heck,
at least i can see.

That's great. Let me test
your depth perception

with these 2 fingers.
No, no.

Man, this is serious.

(Frasier)
it certainly is.

Emotional crises can affect
our sensory perceptions

in devastating ways.

I've read volumes
on hysterical blindness,

loss of hearing,
even total loss of speech.

Clavin had to pick blindness.

Carla, you're not helping.
I'm not trying.

Cliff,

don't you think
there's a pattern here
that you should recognize?

Now, both your high school
incident and this current one

occurred at a time

when you were threatened
by a commitment
of a romantic nature.

Could it be that
your fear of commitment
is so intense,

that it manifests itself
in blindness?

Oh, jeez, doc,
that's true.

Oh, you got to
help me out here, doc.

I got margaret
coming over here tonight.

I can't go blind
in front of her.

She'll think
i'm some kind of a wacko.

You can't just
wave a magic wand
and make it go away.

Doc, come on.
There's gotta be somethin'
you can prescribe, uh,

uh, ointments, drops,
leeches, somethin'.

Cliff, there's just
no quick fix. I'm sorry.

What? Well, there's got to
be some way

somebody can help me
out through tonight.

Sammy, look, as a, uh,

fellow studmeister yourself,

maybe you can, uh, you know,
come on over tonight,

help me, you know,
just to get margaret
in the apartment,

get the lights out,
then i can, uh,

take over myself
and then you can, uh,

skedaddle. How's that?
Oh, you got it.

Hey, thanks very much,
sammy. Yeah, yeah.

After you leave,
then my, uh,

acute sense of touch
will take over.

He had to say it.

Now i'm gonna have
the willies for a week.

Well, i'm on my way
to the plastic surgeon,

but, i don't know what to do.
Look, i need some input.

What do you think
i should i have done?

Eyelids.
Tummy tuck.

Ah! Liposuction.

[All chattering]
age shows there first.

(Woody)
miss howe.

I'm getting tired of all
this plastic surgery talk.

Now, i know,
it may not be popular,

but i'm going out on a limb,
and say, uh,

i don't think you should
change a thing.

You're a beautiful woman

and just about perfect
the way god made you.

Well, woody,
nobody's perfect.

There's got to be
something.

Oh, then, your breasts.

Thank you, woody.

No. Thank you.

[Knock on door]

(female voice on radio)
...the popular capodimonte
comedy/tragedy mask--

uh, oh, boy.
Sam, am i glad
you could make it.

Ah, i'm sorry i'm late.
I had a matinee.

Matinee?
It's almost 8:00.

Double feature.

What a guy.

How's your vision doing?
Oh, fine.

I can see fine.
Margaret's not here. Corn?
No, thanks.

Hey, you look
spiffy.

Oh, yeah. Hey, oh.

Feel the material
here in this clip-on.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

They're doing
incredible things

with synthetic fibers
nowadays.

Tell me about it.
Sam, look at this. Watch.

You can't stain
this baby. Look.

Oh, no. Wow.

Look at that.
Beads right up.
Woo!

Look at that.

That is cool.
Yeah. Isn't that something?

Watch what happens
with picante sauce.
No, no. Don't do that.

I'll take your word
for it.

Well, sammy, look.
Margaret's gonna be
here any second now, so,

why don't we just
go over the game plan, huh?
Yeah, shoot.

All right, uh,
if i feel myself

you know, sort of
losing my vision, i'll, uh,

give a little petite tug
on the old tie bone, ok?

Tug the tie. All right.

Oh, then, yeah, there'll be
a signal to lead me back,

just to this area here.
We're gonna designate
the sofa as home base.

See, i spent
the last few hours, uh,

walking around the apartment
blindfolded.

I know every nook
and cranny by heart.

Didn't you bang the hell
out of your shins?

Oh, yeah. The first
10 or 20 times,

but, you know, those--those
nerves are long dead now.

All right.

What else? What else
do i need to know here?

Uh, well, the only other thing
we've got to figure out
is, uh, some kind of signal

to let you know when it's, uh,
time for you to leave.

Well, uh,

how about,
"good night, sam?"

All right, yeah,
i'll go with that.
Now i just got to

figure out
how to remember that.

[Knocking on door]

oh. There's margaret.

Can you still see?

[Laughing]

clear as a bell.
Clear as a bell.

You know, i think now
you're on your home turf,
you're gonna be just fine.

Yeah, i think so, too,
sammy.

Go ahead,
go ahead.

Hiya, boyfriend,
it's your little
ball and chain.

Oh, hi, sam. I didn't
expect to see you here.

Well, i just came--

uh...

i, uh,

came over to, uh,

to, borrow, uh,
cliffie's tie.

Uh, what do you think?
It's too short maybe?

Oh, gee, i don't know.

Well, you know,
the--the--the best way--

the best way
to find this out

is to, uh, see how it looks
when you're sitting down.

Why don't we go
check it out
on the sofa there?

You came all this way

to borrow a tie?

Uh, yeah.

The tie and, uh,

to have some
of cliffie's corn.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, i'm, uh,
i'm famous for my corn.

Oh, would you, uh,
would you like some?

Oh, i don't smoke,
cliff.

[Laughing]
oh.

I bet you thought
that this was an ashtray.
Oh, no, no.

It's a specially
designed corn server.

Here.

There you go.

Just try some.
You'll never have corn
any other way now.

No?

So,

here we are.

Yeah. Here we are.

Cliff, um, what do you
want to do tonight?

Well, i thought
maybe, uh,

ah, i don't know.
Maybe just

show you how i can
walk around the apartment

without, uh, any help
from anybody at all.

Ok, cliff.

[Clearing throat]

yeah? Well, ok.

[Clearing throat]

(cliff)
oh, look at this.

I must've dropped
a dime earlier.

[Cliff laughing]

oh. Here. Here it is.

Yep. 1973-s.

That's mine.

Oh, i got that, cliffie.
I got that.

[Clears throat]
um,

this is a really
comfortable sofa.

Yeah. It, uh, comes out
into a, you know, sofa bed.

Really? I'd like to see that.

Good night, sam.

I better, uh,

i better fix this lamp
before i go.
Uh, take it with you.

What?

Uh, no. That's what
sammy came over for.

For corn, a tie,
and a lamp.

You--you--you ought
to see the way this guy lives.

He's something.

Well, good night.

I'll walk him
to the door.

(Cliff)
thank you for coming.

(Sam)
well, thank you for the corn.

Will you be able
to handle this?

Oh, yeah, sam.
I don't have to tell you,

as one stud to another,
that when it comes
to sofa bed talk,

it's time for lights out.

Oh, there you go.

Wrong way.

Thanks. Good night.

Oh, hey, sammy,
one more thing.
Yeah.

Uh, the--

uh, the dress?

Oh, yeah. You unlock,
it's a standard
22-inch zipper.

1,2,3 seconds max.
Remember,

it's an easy glide.

Don't jerk it.

(Sam)
good night.
Good night, sammy.

Oh, yeah, sure.

[Screaming]

[splashing]

cliff, are you all right?

(Cliff)
come on in. It's heated.

(Norm)
hey, cliffie,
how are the eyes, buddy?

Yeah, fine as long as
she's not around.

Oh, why?
Wh-wh-what happened?

Ah, it was a total disaster,
norm.

I went blind,
took a header
off the balcony

and fell in the pool.

Ok, pay up.

Falling in the pool
was 10-to-1 odds.

[Chuckling]
suckers!

Well, i'll, uh, i'll be
in the men's room drying off.

Oh, there's no towels
in there, mr. Clavin.

Ah, that's all right.
I'll stand in front
of that whatchamacallit

that blows hot air.

You mean
the automatic clavin.

Is cliff here?

Oh, he's in the bathroom
drying off.

Oh, thank god. Because
i was so worried about him.

Poor cliff
has been through so much.

You just sit right here.
I'll get you some coffee.

Margaret, um,

you should know

that cliff
is a troubled,
deeply disturbed,

and emotionally
stunted person.

Now, i can say this

because i'm one of his
closest friends.

All right, rebecca's back.

You, uh, decided what to have
the body and fender man fix?

I not only made
the decision by myself,
thank you very much,

but i've already
had the surgery performed
on an outpatient basis.

Already?

Wow, they look great.

Woody, he didn't
work on my breasts.

Well, then, why are they
so much perkier?

Thank you, woody.

No. Thank you.

So, uh, what did
you do then?

Uh,

let's just say
it was something personal.

Whoa, come on.
You can tell us.
Yeah.

It was nothing major.
It was just--

it was just a little thing
that i wanted done
for a long time.

Ah, you're right.
You shouldn't tell us.

I mean that way,
we can let our imaginations
go wild.

[All hooting]

oh, god. All right, fine.

I had a little tattoo removed.

Ooh, you're kidding.
That's very hot.
Whoa, wait a minute.

Where was it? Inner,
upper, outer, frontal...

it was on my lower back.

Oh, lower back.

It was just covering up
a big old ugly mole.

I had that removed, too.

Kind of wish
she hadn't told us.

I mean, i was imagining
something a hell of a lot
better than that.

Well, maybe she lied.

Yeah. Yeah,
let's go with that.

Cliff!
(Cliff)
oh, no. No.

No, wait. Cliff,
you don't have to run.

Sam explained everything.

Well, then you know
why i can't look at you?
Yes i do.

I know all about high school

and wendy beaman
and the blindness
and miss tennessee.

Miss tennessee?

Uh, yeah, cliffie. I ran out
of stuff on you,

so i threw in
some of my own highlights.

I--i feel so bad about this.

I--i rushed you
into a commitment

that you weren't
ready to make.

I came down from canada
without any warning,

never giving you
a chance to say no
or even make up your mind.

And i feel like
this is all my fault,

so i'm going back
up north.

(Margaret)
we can talk
on the phone.

And, in a few months,
if we still think
it's a good idea,

we know
where to find each other.

Goodbye, cliff.

Hey, hey, cliff!

Go get her!
Go get her!

Uh, maggie,
hold on!

Maggie!

I'm ready
to make a commitment.

Hey, maggie, i can see.

Oh, really?
Honey, that's wonderful.

(Cliff)
i, uh...

[sighing]

i want you to be my honey.

Well, then,

i don't want to wait
any longer.

I'm going to rush over
to my hotel

and i'm gonna get my stuff

and i'll meet you in an hour
at your apartment.

[Laughing]

hey, man,
congratulations.

I'm so proud of you.

See you later.

Uh, there's one thing.

Well, what's that?

Uh, i seem to be paralyzed
from the waist down.