All language subtitles for Here We Go s01e01 Mums Birthday Voucher.eng

Amy, come on!

Cheering

oh, my god!

The camera's fallen over.

Ok, dad, I'm filming. Ok.
Here we go.

Ok, Sam, you on, yeah? Ok.

Little, um, bed and breakfast
for the birthday girl.

It's... no, it's not
bed and breakfast, sorry.

Little birthday in bed
for the breakfast girl.

That's not it. Huh? Oh...!

Little breakfast in bed for
the birthday girl.

Scrambled eggs, salmon, oj,

cafe au lait, s'il vous plait.

Hashtag best husband ever.

Let's go and make her day.

Do you want a hand, dad?

I'm ok. I'm all good.

Whispers: We're in. Ready?

Both: ♪ happy birthday... ♪

Argh! Argh! Ohhh!

Ah... ah.

Happy birthday.

Thanks. What's that?

That's breakfast in bed -

there's a little bit of fish
there, some egg.

Thank you.

Happy birthday, mum.

Thanks, Sam.

Doorbell rings
oh. It's the tray. It's warped.

Oh, god, that can't be your mum
already, surely? Probably not.

You know your side gate's open?

Unusual greeting.

Hi, mum. I've been gardening.
What's this?

Hello, Sammy, love.

Still doing your little videos,
then, are you?

Yeah, well, I'm making a documentary
about the family

for my media studies coursework.
Hi, granny.

You know, you'll never woo
a decent woman behind that thing.

A decent woman? Mum, he's 15.

He hasn't even been through puberty
yet.

Yeah, well, I married your dad when
I was 15.

Yeah, I know, and you mustn't keep
telling people that

because I'm pretty sure
it was illegal.

Hi, sue. You're up nice and early.

Oh, yeah.
Well, next-door have bought a puppy.

Oh, right.

Oh, no, sorry,
I don't understand the connection.

It yaps its head off
from about 5am onwards.

I mean, honestly,

they might as well have bought
a bloody rooster.

Bit cuter, though, surely?

Oh, yeah, lovely.

When it's not yapping,
it's crapping.

I've complained to the council,

but they said it's not enough
to have it impounded.

Oh, right. I'll just have to hope
it bites me.

Oh, well. Fingers crossed.

So, anyway,
happy birthday, Rachel, love. Aww!

Oh, thank you. Ahh!

45, eh? You're halfway there.

Ah, bit morbid. What's this?

This is a bunion corrector.

Oh. Now, I know it may not be

the most exciting present
in the world.

Yeah, agree with that. But you may
need it sooner than you think.

Ok. Thank you.

And, I made you...

..A profiterole tower.

Oh, wow.

Oh, god, mum, a tower?!

I mean, couldn't you have made
something smaller? Like a cottage?

Amy, granny's here. Thank you.

Well, you don't have to eat it all.

Yeah, but I will, though.
He will, yeah.

You know, please.

Can you just bring round something
healthy for a change,

like fruit or nuts or something?

Oh, I've got a couple of chocolate
oranges here in me bag.

How is that fruit, though?
Oh, and, Rachel,

there's a £5 cheque here
from uncle Barry.

Aww. Ok, no. I'm sorry, no.

What do you mean, "no"?

I mean, you've got
to tell uncle Barry

to stop sending us cheques
for such small amounts,

because, frankly, that's not giving
us a present -

that's giving us an errand.
Oh, don't be daft.

There are only about three branches
of natwest

left in the entire world.

Paying a cheque in nowadays
is not unlike returning

the ring to mordor,

which I doubt Frodo would've done
for £5.

Oh, god, just ignore him, sue.

We'll get round to it eventually.
I mean, god knows,

we need all the money we can get
right now.

Oh. Still not working, then, Paul?

Amy: No, he's not.

How did you even hear that?!

Aargh!

Loud bump what happened?

Maya slipped on some salmon.

But I'm ok.
It's just the salmon's not.

Just put it... in the bath.

The bath? It's not going to come
back to life, mum.

Sam, can you please go upstairs
and clean the landing carpet?

What? Why do I have to do it?

You know, I have been looking for
other work

but since the archery club closed,
there's just very little out there.

Of course there is.

There's all the jobs that don't
involve archery.

Well, I have to do archery, hon.
I mean, that's... that's who I am.

Ok. Well,
why not try and be someone

who does a job they hate
for money, like the rest of us?

Anyway, I've been working in the
garden, mum, you know?

Getting my monty Don on.

Or monty don't, ideally.

He's already killed that camelia
I liked. I haven't killed it!

Yeah. I doubt I've killed it.
I was just, you know,

giving it a hard prune
to make way for all the fruit

and veg I'm growing.
Oh. What have you got?

Um, raspberries,
gooseberries and rhubarb.

Hi, granny. Oh, hello, Amy, love.
Do you like rhubarb?

Oh, I thought you were at
university, Maya.

I am, yeah, technically.

But I come down here on weekends

because I hate everyone on my
sociology course.

Anti-sociology course.
Yeah, and she can't bear

to be without me
the whole year, obviously.

Obviously.

Happy birthday, then, mum.

I got you another bottle
of mother's ruin.

Ah, thank you,

although I think that ship has
sailed, to be honest.

Birthday boy. Nobody move.
Oh, my god.

Aaaargh. Oh, my godfathers!

Happy birthday. Ah-ha! All right?

Gosh, wow. That frightened me.
Robin's here.

Where did you two come from?

Well, we would've rung
the front doorbell

but I saw the side gate was open

and thought I'd raid
your back passage.

Ah. She's your sister.

Sorry, that is crass. I'm...

Just delete that, actually,
Spielberg, if you...

Can you do that?
I can, yeah. But I won't.

And Cheryl? Well, I didn't know
you two were back together again.

Be tactful, mum.

No, it's all right sue, yeah. No,
cherry and I are back in business.

And this time, I'm not
letting her go.

Well, what about

the personal trainer you
were bonking?

"Bonking"? Mum, please.
Don't. Not that word, no.

Yeah, no. That didn't work out.
He's gone back to his family.

Oh... oh, right. He had a...
I didn't know that.

Yeah, well, yeah, anyway,

that wasn't like
a proper relationship.

It was more just like physical.

It was just physical,

yeah, whereas we're more,
aren't we, mental?

I must be to be back with you!

Oh, my god! Walked into that one!
And that's why I love her,

right there,
because she's so funny.

Yeah, she is. Multi-talented.
Also, bit of an announcement.

Oh? Is the wedding back on?
No. No.

No, no, no, no. Don't worry, no, no,
no. We're taking it slow this time.

Yeah.

Just, um,
we are moving in together, so...

Woohoo. Congratulations.

Well, if they can take your...

Yeah, depending on, um,
could I put my warhammer,

dungeons & dragons figures in
your loft? Yeah.

Because we don't have
a lot of space at mine.

His cupboard is full of orcs.

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah.
Don't see why not.

Anyway, happy birthday.

Thank you! Oh, look at that.

Are we out of milk?
Yes. Oh, nice bag.

Yes, well that is
a teeth-whitening kit.

Oh, wow.

I didn't realise I needed that.

Yours are creamy-grey, yeah.

Yeah. And they're all right,

they're just a bit like a
farrow & ball colour.

Oh, ok. Thank you.

Well, quite a haul
of presents there.

A few reminders of my imminent decay
and death. Thank you.

And that, um, planner I got you.

Yes, actually, and an excellent
personal organiser from Sam,

which I will put to use as of now.

No forgetting to cash cheques or
insuring the car from now on.

The car's insured.

In fact, now is the start
of a very organised new chapter

for me, so buckle up.

Right. And, um,
you haven't had my present yet.

Oh, here we go.

Oh! Lingerie!

No.

Stop it. Thank you.

Gross! What is it?

It is a voucher, or,
actually, it's called a wowcher,

yes, yes. Yeah, it's, um,

it's for jungle world
which is a theme park

just up the m1. It's great.
They've got abseiling, mini-golf.

Archery.

Archery, sure.

Um, any seated activities?

Um, well, they've got a log flume.

Oh, well.
I'll just stay on that, then.

This looks actually good.
Well, don't sound too surprised.

No, I don't. I'm just...
Thank you very much.

Hey, it's your birthday. Hey.

Oh, sick. They've got zipwires.
Ah, sweet.

Yeah, it's like go ape.

I've always wanted to go ape.
Perfect, perfect.

Um, well, yeah, sorry, cherry.

The wowcher's only
for six people,

so I don't think
you and Robin can come.

Ah. Nice.

- Ain't that a kick in the nuts.
- I'm so sorry.

Well, we can go ape, babe.

I will take you ape if you want
to go ape.

You just leave that
to this big gorilla.

Cheryl chuckles
I like that. Yeah?

Hey, can't we go today?

No, no, you can't because
you need to pre-book all

the activities, you see.
But there's no rush.

You know, the wowcher's valid for
six months.

Do you not think we should just go?
Yes.

Now - while we're all thinking
about it? Definitely.

Nah, your dad's right.
We've got bags of time.

We'll plan it out, put it
in the organiser, do it properly.

Exactly. Sam, can you go and clean
the mess you made upstairs, mate?

Me? That was you!
Thank you.

Thank you.

Go, go, go, go.

Come on, please.

Why is it always this hard
to leave the house? Paul!

I can't find the back-door key.

Are you ready, Sam? Yeah. I've been
ready for about 20 minutes.

Outside, then, get outside.
Mum. Have we got any clean towels?

Why, are you...?
You're not having a shower.

No, no. I'm having a bath.

No. No. We're leaving right now.
It closes in five hours, Paul.

Help me find the key! I can't lock
the back door. Look in the living

room drawer. Sorry, I... no, what
are you doing, Robin? Don't come in.

What? I don't want to wait in the
car on my own. No, we're coming right now. Doesn't look like it.

It's not in the drawer! I was going
to make a quick toastie.

No way! The kitchen, then,
in the bowl.

Look. Will you please just take your
shoes off and help me look

rather than standing in the door
barking instructions?

Oh, god. I feel like I'm in
the crystal maze!

And not in a good way.
Leave it, then, leave it.

What, just leave it? Yeah.
Leave the back door open?

Yeah, why not? Well, we'll get
burgled.

Good... good.
Have you seen this place?

They'll be doing us a bloody favour.
Now, please,

can we all just leave the house
and enjoy ourselves?!

Hmm. I mean, how has this happened?

I can't believe we've done this.

I can. I fully expected this.

Not helpful, Amy.

Call the jungle people.
Book us in for stuff.

All right. Can we just pick
my mum up first, please?

Quick, quick, quick.
Yeah, all right.

Hey, so it's 1.45,
so if we get there at 3,

we've still got three hours.

We can do most of it if we really
zip down those zipwires, ok? Yeah?

Yeah, ok, yeah. Yeah.

Why... why has gran got a dog?

She hasn't.

Has she?

Oh, god. Yeah, she has. Yeah.

Well, pinel and Ben have gone
to Iceland,

so I said I'd look after the dog
for them.

Iceland the shop or the country?

I didn't actually find out.

I'm assuming it's the country

because they've gone for the entire
weekend and took suitcases.

Probably the country, then.
It will be the country, yeah.

I thought you hated that dog?

What? Lord sugar? No,
I love him.

I've always loved him.

Ugh! He's my little icky cockapooey
pal, aren't you?

A cockapoo called lord sugar?

Is there any animal in the world
with less dignity?

Yeah. Dad.

Oh, ha-ha-ha. Very funny, Amy. Not.

I would've said no, if you'd given
me more warning. Well...

I mean, I thought we had ages
to use this wowcher thing.

We did, we do.

It was my birthday six months ago,
sue,

and today is the last day
it's valid.

Anyway, lord sugar hasn't done
his business this morning.

Oh, aye. So I can't risk leaving him
home alone.

Business. What's his business?
It's amstrad.

His downstairs business.
He must be bursting.

What? He's supposed to widdle on
command.

If you go "sss, sss, sss."

Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, don't do that!

Please, please. I'm on the phone.

Is there a command
to make him hold it in?

Um, not as far as I know,
unless you tie in a knot in it.

But he'll never make
the whole journey, though.

Oh, great.

Look for a park, everyone.
Hold it in, lord sugar.

Hold in. What about rafting? 3pm.
Yes, yes, yes.

Yes. We can make that, I think.
Zip lining?

Fully booked. Oh! No!
What about the archery?

Well, we don't need to do archery.

Nothing. I should say,
full disclosure,

that I am actually

a former olympic team gb Archer,
if that makes a difference.

Why would that make a difference?
It won't.

No... no, I didn't... ok.

There. Rachel. Park. Over there.

All talk at once
get this dog off me. It's a park!

What's the nature trail?

I don't know... I don't know
if the kids will be interested.

Ok, quickly, sue.
Quick, quick, quick.

All right, all right, all right.

Come on... at 4,
and then the mini golf at 4.30.

What have you got at 5.30?
Oh, good boy!

Get him out. Come on, and do
your wees. Really? Oh.

Bear with me a sec.

They close at five.
No, no, no, no. It's six.

In the summer, yes,

but from September to April,
it's five. Ah. Oh. Ah, ok.

Ok, book those in.
Yes, book 'em, danno.

It's a Jay, look.

No, no bird-watching, sue.
We really need to motor.

Now, so, um, come on, lord sugar.

Do your business.

No! Oh, Rachel!

I was told not to do that
in case he... did that.

Heel... heel, boy.

Lord sugar! Come here, boy.

Oh... he'll be back.

He won't be back. Lord sugar!
He's fast, isn't he?

Oh, blimey hell, where is he?

Sir Alan!

No, no, dad, it's lord sugar.
Oh, yeah. Lord sugar!

Not that one. Lord sugar.

Lord! Here, boy.

No. You've got to say his whole name
or he won't respond.

Well, he's not responding anyway,
is he? Lord sugar!

Stupid dog. Lord sugar!

Don't call lord sugar stupid.

Oh. Of course he's stupid.

All these fluffy, doddle

cocker-jacker-schnoo-bradols
are stupid.

They're quite bright, aren't they?
Why can't people have a normal dog?

There are no normal dogs, mum.

They've all been bred to be cute
or useful,

unless you mean wolves.

Yeah, ok, yeah.

Why can't people grow up
and have a wolf?

Do you want me to answer that?
No, I don't.

Well, we're going to miss
the rafting.

Ok. I think we should split up.

Really? No, no,

as in, I think you look round here
and I'll be back. Yes.

Ok. I'll be back.

Yeah, let's, um... let's scatter.
Fine. Lord sugar!

Has anyone got any treats,
like a dog treat,

not a human treat, or both?
Lord sugar! Here, boy.

Obvious question,

but why are we getting ladybirds
through the post?

Sam, are you doing something weird?

No. Like what?

They're mine.
I bought them to eat the aphids.

Oh. You've got aphids,
have you, Paul?

I've got an absolute plague of them.

It's like I've offended
the old testament god.

Amy, could you put those ladybirds
in the fridge, please?

They tend to work harder if they've
been refrigerated, apparently.

Ah, maybe we should put you in
a fridge as well, then.

Ah. Still no job news, then, Paul?

Well, no. But, you know,

I've just been flat out in
the garden.

You know, there's just so much
to do before harvest.

Harvest. Yes, of course.

It's going to be like harvest
festival in here, isn't it?

Maybe we should hire some seasonal
labourers

from the eu to help bring it all in.

Well, I have asked Robin and Dean to
help me bring in the rhubarb.

Are you not going to be late
for work, mum? Yes, always.

I just can't find my personal
organiser, again.

You know,
and it is a bit like a job really,

you know, when you think about how
much money we're going to save

eating food from the garden.

How much do you think we currently
spend on rhubarb?

I mean, if you were growing frozen
pizzas

or tins of beans out there,
then, yes, maybe.

I am growing beans.
I'm growing beans.

I found these amazing beans on eBay,
you know?

They crop all year round, even in
winter.

They're like miracles of nature.

So, magic beans?

Cool. Cos no-one's ever been scammed
by them before.

Sam sniggers

for your information Amy, Jack was
correct to buy those magic beans

in Jack and the beanstalk.

You know? That's like the whole
point of the story.

Why am I eating cake?

Mum!

I didn't ask for this, mum.

Well, it was on special.

You know, buy one, get one free.

So, if anyone else wants some,
I have actually got two.

Oh, for god's sake. Oh.

You know you still haven't paid in
this £5 cheque.

I'm not going to. Oh, no, really?

Yes, no, we will, sue.

It's on my to-do list, which is in
my personal organiser. No, we won't.

Which you've lost. Which I currently
can't find.

Bell rings

oh, and you still need to use
your wowcher thingy.

Oh, yeah. Let's go tomorrow,
when Maya gets here.

No, I'm releasing the ladybirds
tomorrow.

We'll go next weekend.
There's so much time.

We've got three months.

Hello, hi. What's this?

This one is... dwarves.

Hi. Hiya. It's my warhammer stuff.

You said that we could put it up in
the loft. Oh, yes, ok.

I'm running a bit late for work
but, Paul!

Paul! Yeah? Can you help Robin bring
in his dungeons & dragons dolls?

Thank you. Figures, not dolls.

Morning, all. Hi.

Hi, Robin. Hi, cherry. All right?

No. No? Not perfect, no.

Oh, no. What's wrong?

Well, um...

..We went ape yesterday.

Oh, yeah. How'd it go?

Awful. Mm.

He loved it. Dangling about
like a dick.

I did not.

Cherry froze up, didn't you, babe?

I had to talk her down.
"Don't jump!"

Well, "do jump," in this case. Yeah.

No, she doesn't like heights, as it
turns out.

No, I don't mind them,
like in a plane... yeah. Yeah.

..Or in a mall, or whatever,
but up in a tree...

..It's rank.

You just need to give it another go,
I reckon, babe.

Look, stop suggesting we go back
go ape, Robin.

I'm never going ape again.

Why do you think people spent
hundreds of years

evolving to not be apes any more,
huh?

Cos it's shit, isn't it?

Especially, with somebody proposing
at you all of the time.

It's hardly all of the time.
Oh, wow.

It's nonstop! I tell you,
it's nonstop.

Yeah. Honestly! On the zipwire and
all, right?

Do you know, he's not even saying
the full thing any more. No, no.

He's just going,
"oh, how about now?" Like that.

On the zipwire, when i'm
panic attacking,

this goon's popping the question.

Oh, dear. Trying to get me to say
yes, when I'm not in my right mind.

I wasn't trying...
I wasn't deceiving you.

It was...

I thought it was a magic moment.

Well, it wasn't. I know. I know that
now. How could you think that?

How many goblins have you got?
A lot.

Watch your dwarves. Maya?

Can you hear me, Maya?

Yeah, are you on the train?

Oh, right.

Beach. Which beach?

Oh, ok.

Is it...

..Is that with friends
from your course or...?

Cool.

So, you're not coming back
this weekend, then?

No, that's... that's fine. That's...

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, totally fine.

Sam!
Sam: I wasn't!

Lord sugar!

He groans lord sugar!

Robin: What are you listening to?
Lord sugar!

What are you listening to?

Oh, it's foundations of sociology.

Oh, cool. Are they new?
I don't know them.

No, it's a book. An audio book. Oh.

Ah, sociology. Is that
what you're studying at uni?

No, I'm doing geography.

Meant to be.

Maya's doing sociology.

It's one of her set texts,
so I thought it might...

..Help if I read it, too.

Hmm...

Can I give you some advice?

I mean, I'm tempted to say no.

Back off a bit. I would.

Trust me, as someone who knows,
I can be a bit...

..Like that. Like what?

Well, i'm... I'm a bit
like a pep guardiola side

as a boyfriend, you know?

I operate a very high press.

Don't give the opponent any space.

Right. I mean, the fact that you
refer to the person you're dating

as "the opponent"...

..May be more of a problem.

Mm. That's a fair point, actually.

Well, either way, I'd suggest
listening to something more upbeat.

A bit of funk, maybe.

Sue: He's there, look!

Lord sugar! Oh, lord sugar!

Lord sugar. Oh!

Well done. Right, I'll call rach
cos we need to crack on.

Oh. He must've found his own way
back, the clever boy. Amy, here!

Who's a clever lord sugar? Ah.

Ok, I've got him. Let's go.

Oh, my god!

He was bloody miles away
over by this bandstand.

What?

Oh.

What...? Which dog is that?

That's lord sugar.

But, are you sure?

That's not even a cockapoo, Rachel.
That's a labradoodle.

Well, I mean, for god's sake.

Did you just take a dog?

Not on purpose. Oh, go on, then.
Go on.

Yah!

Yah?

It's not a horse in a western.

You've got to take it back!

Oh, we haven't got time.

He'll find his own way back
eventually, probably.

She. She. She, she.

It's a her.

And we can't just leave her here.

Oh. She might get lost, the poor
little bitch.

What's happened?
Sam: Mum's nicked a dog.

Amy: What?
By mistake.

I haven't got time to take it
all the way back.

The jungle thing closes
in 85 minutes.

There's a phone number
on her collar.

Oh.

Yah!

Stop staying yah!

Ringing tone
ok, so, who'd like a snack just to cheer us all up?

Oh, please, no more cakes, mum.

No, I brought fruit, actually.

I listened, you see?

Well, hang on, I've got fruit.
I've got fruit!

Yeah, I'll take a raspbo.

Well, no, I've got... I've got
raspberries from the garden!

Yeah, but these are proper ones,
from asda.

Mine are proper one...
Mine are proper ones. I grew mine.

Yeah, but these are all big
and lovely. They are great.

Well, eat mine. Please eat mine!

Ok, so no-one's answering
and we're about to hit the motorway

so it looks like we're taking
lady sugar with us as well.

And it would be nice if you ate some
of your father's six raspberries.

Eight! Eight raspberries. You're not
counting that one, surely?

Well, seven and a half raspberries.
Eat! Eat!

Let's have a look, Paulo,
the old rogues' gallery.

Here we go. Ooh, they are
very powdery, aren't they, mate?

That's natural.
That's natural powder.

Seven raspberries.
Is that all you managed to harvest?

It's not me. It's the ladybirds.
They did sweet f-all.

They just flew away.

I do have 14 gooseberries as well.

Someone, please eat one.
They're on the turn.

Oh, god. You're really selling them
to us, dad. Phone rings

oh, god, I've got this.
Everyone shush, yeah?

Hello?
Man on phone: I missed your call.

Yes, thank you for calling back.
It was just to say,

have you lost your dog?

Yeah. My wife's looking for her now.

Because no... no need.
He's with us.

She. What? She.

Man on phone: What?
The dog. We've taken him.

Her. What? Don't say taken.

As in, we've not kidnaped him,
we've... it's... we've... her.

It's just we accidentally thought
it was our dog, so we took it.

You've lost your dog?

No, no. We have our dog, too.
We have both... dogs.

So why did you take mine?

Completely. Great question.

It's hard to answer.

We will of course return your dog,

but maybe not right now
if that's... is that... is that ok?

No. I want my dog back now.

Yeah, it's just,
the thing is mate...

Sorry, this is Paul,
Rachel's husband.

Rachel's the previous speaker.

You're on speakerphone.
Hi. Say hello, everyone.

Hi. Hello. I'm Robin.

Hi. Yes. Hello.
We are on our way to jungle land.

World.
World. Jungle world, is the thing.

Right. Um, yeah,
and we're running really late.

We've actually missed
some of our pre-booked activities.

I realise that's not your problem.

No, and we're about to hit
the motorway.

And we're about to hit
the motorway, mate,

so we're very much leaving the area,

so, you know, I was thinking perhaps
we could bring him back in say,

a couple of hours.

Her. Her. Her.

Her! Sorry.
That would really help us out, mate.

Um, it's a birthday present,
you see? It was... a while ago but...

Please? Mate. Matey?

Matey?

Return the dog now
or I'll call the police. Yeah.

163, 163. Is that it?

That's it, yeah.

Ok, go, Paul, go, go. All right.

Are you sure
that's the right one, yeah?

Yes, it's the right one. Bye,
lady sugar. Nice to meet you.

Oh, my god.

Oh, ok. Yeah.

We don't still have to go, you know.

It was more of a present for me,
honestly.

I think I just wanted to do
some archery again.

Show you that I'm still
actually good at something.

Aww.

There's only mini-golf left.
Look, I really won't mind.

Paul. Look,
we've had six months to do this.

I cannot accept
that we're that useless as a family.

I mean, most of our plans
are never going to happen.

Fine, I'm aware of that.
But not all of them.

We can't be that bad. We just can't.

And I actually really love
mini-golf.

And you.

In that order.

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Yes.

Your dog.

Cheers.

Thank you. He was quite scary.

Ok, they're coming.

Jungle world! Ok. Look lively,
everyone. Ok, everyone, look for mini-golf.

What time are we at?
4:54. Come on people, let's go!

Go, go, go. Go, go, go.

You stay here, lord sugar.

Ok, let's go.

Yeah, great. Where is it,
where is it? I don't know.

Straight through. Mum, they're going
to shut the shack.

Oh, just go. I'll only
slow you down. Play without me.

No, mum. We're not leaving you.
We're going to do this together.

Look, I actually don't want to play.

I'm quite happy being
the, you know, caddy.

Oh, ok.

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Wait, wait! Wowcher! Wowcher!

Wowcher! Wowcher!
Hang on! Hang on!

I don't have it.

Yes! Yes! I've got it.
Yes! Yes! Come on!

There you are, thank you so much.

You know we do close at five, yeah?

Yes. We do know that.
We do know that, thank you.

Ok, guys, listen,
go round as fast as you can,

and do remember to keep score,

so we can work out
who the winner is, ok?

Why would that matter?
Well, yeah, ok. You're right.

Oh, wow.
Oh, my god.

We're never going to get round
the whole course in two minutes.

Well, not with that attitude
we're not, no.

Well, let's just pick one hole
and do that properly.

As the actor said to the...

Yeah. Let's pick the best hole.

Ok. I'll take the lion.
Go, go, go!

Ok, elephant, elephant.
Which is the best hole, mate?

Just start at one, I reckon.
Look at that, it's amazing.

What's this one? The bridge, want to
do the bridge? No. What's up there?

I mean, this has got totem Poles.
The bear. Guys... I don't think so.

No, this one's shit.

Get on the path, Rachel!
Stop going off road.

I don't know why I'm running
up here! I'm following you!

Waterfall! Waterfall!
Come on, Sam! Hurry up.

I'm in the river, Paul!
I don't think this is the best one.

We know we've got this one.
We can come back.

This one hasn't even got a theme.
What is it?

Mini golf employee: Sorry, excuse
me, we have to close up now.

Oh. Over here!
This one's got a snake.

Snake! A snake!
Oh, yes, sue. Nice one.

Quick. Quick!
Cheers, mate. Right, Rachel, go, go.

Go, go, go.

Let's just try and do this one,
if we can. Ok.

Sorry. Sorry, excuse me.
I'm just going to take these back.

Oh, no, no. Come on, mate.
I've got to take the clubs back. It's closing time.

Stop, stop, stop. Please, please.

It's her birthday... six months ago.

Can we just...?

Go on, rach. Play.

Sorry, mate. Come on.

Go on, mum.

Go on, rach.

Mashed potato!

Come on.
Don't hit that. Oh, yes.

Oh, it's going to hit that rock.
Ah, you've got... oh, yes. Come on.

Out she comes, out she comes.
Hello, we've got a good speed up.

Oh, it's nicked the... hmm.

Hang on.
Oh, hello. Hello, rach.

No way.

Um... oh, my god.

Oh, what!

Rachel: And that is mini-golf.

They all cheer

I don't believe it!

Sorry, sorry. Hello, sorry.
Can you pick that up, please?

Oh, yeah, sorry.
Yeah.

Yeah.

Well done, mum.

That was one of the all-time
great birthday presents.

I actually really enjoyed it.
Thanks, mum.

Well, thank your father.
It was all him.

We'll do it again next year. Yeah...

Go on, then. Hmm?
What funk should I listen to?

Aha, now have you ever heard
of the phrase jamiroquai?

Is that a person or a band?

No, no. It's a way of life.

Oh, Paul.

I think lord sugar's done
his business on your seat.

Oh! Oh, for f...

Oh, no. Sam, you're sitting in
the front on the way home, ok?

Ha-ha. What? That's a dump, that is.

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by jamiroquai

♪ da-da-do, da-da-do-do

♪ do-do-do-do

♪ da-da-da, da-da-do

♪ do-do-do-do-do, da-da-do,
da-da-do-do

♪ do-do-do-do, da-da-da, da-da-do. ♪

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