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1
00:00:03,471 --> 00:00:05,239
"Cheers" is filmed before
A live studio audience.
2
00:00:06,474 --> 00:00:08,609
Well, I'm out of here,
I guess.
3
00:00:08,609 --> 00:00:12,513
Going to stop over
At the health club.
4
00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:14,682
You belong
To a health club?
5
00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:17,651
Yeah. Vera gave me
A membership
For my birthday.
6
00:00:17,651 --> 00:00:20,688
Real subtle, huh?
7
00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:22,490
You actually
Go there and
Work out?
8
00:00:22,490 --> 00:00:25,793
Yeah, I try to do about 25
In the pool every day.
9
00:00:25,793 --> 00:00:26,860
Laps?
10
00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,262
Cannonballs.
11
00:00:34,602 --> 00:00:37,271
* makin' your way
In the world today *
12
00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:40,141
* takes everything
You've got *
13
00:00:40,141 --> 00:00:43,043
* takin' a break
From all your worries *
14
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:45,279
* sure would
Help a lot *
15
00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:49,650
* wouldn't you like
To get away *
16
00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:54,355
* sometimes
You wanna go *
17
00:00:54,355 --> 00:00:57,758
* where everybody
Knows your name *
18
00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:03,131
* and they're always
Glad you came *
19
00:01:04,532 --> 00:01:06,600
* you wanna be
Where you can see *
20
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,203
* our troubles
Are all the same *
21
00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:10,504
* you wanna be *
22
00:01:10,504 --> 00:01:13,507
* where everybody
Knows your name *
23
00:01:14,608 --> 00:01:17,378
* you wanna go
Where people know *
24
00:01:17,378 --> 00:01:19,380
* people are
All the same *
25
00:01:19,380 --> 00:01:20,648
* you wanna go *
26
00:01:20,648 --> 00:01:24,685
* where everybody
Knows your name **
27
00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:45,173
Oh, great,
Miss harville.
Thanks!
28
00:01:45,173 --> 00:01:46,840
Hot dog.
29
00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:48,276
What's up?
30
00:01:48,276 --> 00:01:50,311
They just delivered
My new mattress.
31
00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:52,480
Finally, a decent
Night's rest.
32
00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:54,248
Now all I got to do
Is figure out
33
00:01:54,248 --> 00:01:55,849
What to do with
My old mattress.
34
00:01:55,849 --> 00:01:57,117
Any suggestions?
35
00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:59,353
Well, mine's
In the smithsonian.
36
00:02:01,989 --> 00:02:04,658
Well, will they
Send a truck?
37
00:02:06,527 --> 00:02:08,696
Sam: hey, frasier.
The usual?
38
00:02:08,696 --> 00:02:11,232
Oh, not just yet.
I'm meeting a friend
For a drink.
39
00:02:11,232 --> 00:02:13,133
Simon finch-royce.
40
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,535
Dr. Simon finch-royce,
41
00:02:14,535 --> 00:02:16,504
The noted
Marriage counselor?
42
00:02:16,504 --> 00:02:18,539
No, dr. Finch-royce,
The circus geek.
43
00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:21,575
Yes, of course,
The marriage counselor.
44
00:02:21,575 --> 00:02:23,977
We were students together
When I was a rhodes scholar.
45
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:26,747
Wow. You were
A roads scholar?
46
00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:27,981
Tell me this.
47
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:31,118
How come the stuff
They fill in the
Potholes with
48
00:02:31,118 --> 00:02:34,322
Is darker than
The rest of the road?
49
00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:38,359
I don't know, woody.
I missed that day.
50
00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:41,762
Now it's come back
To haunt you.
51
00:02:43,297 --> 00:02:47,368
Sam, simon finch-royce is
An eminent psychotherapist
52
00:02:47,368 --> 00:02:50,738
Who specializes
In marital relations.
53
00:02:50,738 --> 00:02:53,241
Does eminent by any chance
Mean rich and single?
54
00:02:53,241 --> 00:02:56,210
Anyway, sam,
I think it's safe to say
55
00:02:56,210 --> 00:02:59,347
That he has saved
Hundreds--nay, thousands--
56
00:02:59,347 --> 00:03:01,114
Of troubled marriages.
57
00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:04,785
It's even rumored
That he had a hand in
Helping chuck and di.
58
00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:06,220
Speaking of that,
59
00:03:06,220 --> 00:03:08,722
Why don't you
Upchuck and die?
60
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:15,596
* three little maids
From school are we *
61
00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:17,831
* pert as a schoolgirl
Well may be *
62
00:03:17,831 --> 00:03:19,800
* filled to the brim
With girlish glee *
63
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:23,371
Both: * three little maids
From school **
64
00:03:26,274 --> 00:03:28,942
Sam, you
Want me to call
The police?
65
00:03:28,942 --> 00:03:30,511
No cause for alarm.
66
00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:33,213
Simon and I did
The spring musical
Together at oxford.
67
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:34,715
It was the mikado.
68
00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:36,384
Simon played pitti-sing
And I was yum-yum.
69
00:03:36,384 --> 00:03:39,720
And a handsomer yum-yum
I've never seen.
70
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,422
Good to see you, simon.
How was your flight?
71
00:03:41,422 --> 00:03:43,457
Oh, relatively
Crash-free.
72
00:03:43,457 --> 00:03:45,593
Can I buy you
A drink?
73
00:03:45,593 --> 00:03:47,528
Yes, a beer, but none of that
Weak-kneed american beer.
74
00:03:47,528 --> 00:03:50,163
Give me
A little something
With hair on it.
75
00:03:50,163 --> 00:03:51,765
Here I am.
76
00:03:55,936 --> 00:03:57,438
So, uh...
You married?
77
00:03:57,438 --> 00:03:58,839
Yes, quite happily.
78
00:03:58,839 --> 00:04:02,443
Too bad. You could have
Been my first englishman.
79
00:04:02,443 --> 00:04:05,446
No, wait. There was
That one other guy,
80
00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:09,883
But he was so white,
I kept losing him in the sheets.
81
00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:12,953
Do we know her?
82
00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:14,455
Yes, that's carla.
83
00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:18,191
Have her scrubbed
And sent to my tent.
84
00:04:18,191 --> 00:04:20,160
Sam, a guinness
For my friend.
85
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:21,462
Guinness, coming right up.
86
00:04:21,462 --> 00:04:23,997
Simon, by the way,
Sam malone,
Woody boyd.
87
00:04:23,997 --> 00:04:24,998
Simon.
88
00:04:24,998 --> 00:04:26,334
Howdy.
89
00:04:26,334 --> 00:04:28,336
And this is
Diane chambers.
90
00:04:28,336 --> 00:04:30,338
How do you do?
91
00:04:30,338 --> 00:04:32,340
Delighted to make
Your acquaintance.
92
00:04:32,340 --> 00:04:33,707
You're so much taller
93
00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:36,677
Than you looked
On your book jacket.
94
00:04:36,677 --> 00:04:40,013
Yes, well, you see,
The book's only
About that big.
95
00:04:40,013 --> 00:04:41,582
That must be it.
96
00:04:41,582 --> 00:04:42,750
So what brings
You here?
97
00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:44,518
I'm accepting
An honorary degree.
98
00:04:44,518 --> 00:04:45,819
It's nothing much,
Just a small college,
99
00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:48,822
But any excuse
To pop over the pond...
100
00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:50,824
Doc, hi,
I'm norm peterson.
101
00:04:50,824 --> 00:04:53,894
I have to tell you
That my wife's a big
Fan of yours, sir.
102
00:04:53,894 --> 00:04:56,364
She reads
All those marriage
Improvement books.
103
00:04:56,364 --> 00:04:57,398
Great. Have they helped?
104
00:04:57,398 --> 00:04:58,699
They've helped me.
105
00:04:58,699 --> 00:05:01,702
It gives her
Something
To do in bed.
106
00:05:01,702 --> 00:05:05,105
Let's go on over here
Where it's a little quieter.
107
00:05:05,105 --> 00:05:06,674
Splendid idea.
108
00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:10,544
Oh, thank you.
109
00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:12,546
Oh, frasier,
Please join us.
110
00:05:12,546 --> 00:05:15,549
Oh, sam, may I have
A seltzer, please?
111
00:05:15,549 --> 00:05:17,585
You know,
I had a thought.
112
00:05:17,585 --> 00:05:20,354
Sam and I are
About to be married,
And dare I ask,
113
00:05:20,354 --> 00:05:25,659
Could you be persuaded
To possibly have
A session or 2 with us?
114
00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:27,695
Oh, diane--
I think that's
A capital idea.
115
00:05:27,695 --> 00:05:30,864
Well, then let it be
My wedding gift to you.
116
00:05:30,864 --> 00:05:33,567
I was considering
The gravy boat,
117
00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:36,537
But I think our relationship
Transcends mere crockery.
118
00:05:36,537 --> 00:05:37,771
Are you sure
You don't mind?
119
00:05:37,771 --> 00:05:39,139
No at all. I'm a
Terrible workaholic.
120
00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:40,874
Also it'll be refreshing
To work with a couple
121
00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:43,877
Who are not on
The brink of disaster.
122
00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:45,312
Will you excuse
Us for a minute
Here?
123
00:05:45,312 --> 00:05:47,080
Can I talk to
You a minute,
Please?
124
00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:48,716
Excuse me.
125
00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:51,485
Why do you
Want to do this?
We're not in trouble.
126
00:05:51,485 --> 00:05:53,387
We're not even
Married yet.
127
00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:57,591
Marriage counselors
Aren't just for people
Who are having troubles.
128
00:05:57,591 --> 00:05:59,593
His expertise
Will help us
129
00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:02,596
Lay a solid foundation
For our married life.
130
00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:04,832
Now, what say
We give it a go?
131
00:06:04,832 --> 00:06:05,833
What's with
This english accent?
132
00:06:05,833 --> 00:06:07,668
Ever since
He walked in here,
133
00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:09,503
You've been talking
Like the queen
134
00:06:09,503 --> 00:06:11,739
Was your aunt betty
Or something.
135
00:06:11,739 --> 00:06:14,708
Oh, tosh.
What twaddle.
136
00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:16,109
See?
137
00:06:16,109 --> 00:06:19,146
So if you brits ever
Find yourself in trouble
138
00:06:19,146 --> 00:06:23,784
Against another major military
Power like argentina,
139
00:06:23,784 --> 00:06:26,654
Don't worry
About a thing.
140
00:06:26,654 --> 00:06:28,922
We yanks will be there
To bail you out
141
00:06:28,922 --> 00:06:30,758
Just like we did during
The last two big ones.
142
00:06:30,758 --> 00:06:32,960
Cliffie! Cliff,
There's a gentleman
Over here
143
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:36,163
Who thinks you know
Absolutely nothing
About photosynthesis.
144
00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:37,765
Oh, yeah? Who?
145
00:06:37,765 --> 00:06:42,770
Where is he?
I'll straighten him out.
146
00:06:42,770 --> 00:06:45,906
So, doctor,
When should we begin?
147
00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:47,174
Why not right now?
148
00:06:47,174 --> 00:06:48,842
Sure. Is there
Anywhere with
A little privacy?
149
00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:50,343
Well, there's sam's office.
150
00:06:50,343 --> 00:06:52,079
You don't mind, do you sam?
Of course you don't.
151
00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:53,581
Oh, lovely.
152
00:06:53,581 --> 00:06:54,882
Simon, this is
Strictly professional.
153
00:06:54,882 --> 00:06:57,918
I want you
To bill me for this.
154
00:06:57,918 --> 00:06:59,520
Oh, right.
155
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:01,421
I want you to completely
Disregard our years
And years of friendship
156
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:02,723
When determining
Your fee.
157
00:07:02,723 --> 00:07:04,324
Oh, well,
Whatever you say.
158
00:07:04,324 --> 00:07:06,026
I mean it, now.
159
00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:07,895
I'll hear nothing of
That 40% psychiatrist
Courtesy discount
160
00:07:07,895 --> 00:07:09,530
That's customary
Here in the states.
161
00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:12,432
I wouldn't dream
Of insulting you.
162
00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:15,202
Well, I'm glad
We worked that out.
163
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:18,739
Well now,
Where to begin?
164
00:07:18,739 --> 00:07:20,373
Usually at this point,
165
00:07:20,373 --> 00:07:23,010
You'd tell me what
A loathsome,
Contemptible swine he is
166
00:07:23,010 --> 00:07:25,746
And you'd describe
In some detail
167
00:07:25,746 --> 00:07:28,582
What a wanton libidinous
Trollop she is.
168
00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:30,618
But as
You're only engaged,
169
00:07:30,618 --> 00:07:33,420
We'll just have
To look forward to that.
170
00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:37,758
When I was on staff
At the london
Psychiatric hospital,
171
00:07:37,758 --> 00:07:39,827
Just after my divorce--
172
00:07:39,827 --> 00:07:40,761
Excuse me.
173
00:07:40,761 --> 00:07:42,630
You've
Been divorced?
174
00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:43,631
Yes, I have.
175
00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:45,999
Oh, that's great.
176
00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:49,637
Sam, I can say
To you with pride, yes,
I've been divorced
177
00:07:49,637 --> 00:07:52,439
Because it is only
From our failures
178
00:07:52,439 --> 00:07:54,074
That we gain knowledge.
179
00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:55,609
Consequently, I was
Able to make a much
Better choice
180
00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:57,244
Of a second wife.
181
00:07:57,244 --> 00:08:02,082
Perhaps my vision
Was clearer for
The tears that I shed.
182
00:08:04,652 --> 00:08:07,788
You are the wisest
Man I know.
183
00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:11,992
High praise, indeed.
184
00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:13,627
Well, now, uh...
185
00:08:16,764 --> 00:08:19,499
I need to begin to
Get to know you 2,
186
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:20,968
So, diane, why
Don't you start.
187
00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:24,672
Well, they say you don't
Have prenatal memories,
188
00:08:24,672 --> 00:08:27,808
But I have a distinct
In-utero recollection
189
00:08:27,808 --> 00:08:32,512
Of a 4th of july concert
My mother attended.
190
00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:34,514
There was at least...
191
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,516
Then he proposed to me,
192
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:39,687
In, of all places,
A court of law.
193
00:08:39,687 --> 00:08:41,689
This time I acquiesced
194
00:08:41,689 --> 00:08:45,025
And agreed
To become mrs. Malone...
195
00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:46,326
[snoring]
196
00:08:46,326 --> 00:08:49,663
Which brings us
Here today.
197
00:08:50,998 --> 00:08:52,766
You know,
My wife has a skirt
198
00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:54,835
Very similar
To the one
You're wearing.
199
00:08:59,172 --> 00:09:03,543
Sam, a little of
Your history,
Please.
200
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:05,846
Oh, all right, ok.
201
00:09:05,846 --> 00:09:07,715
Uh...Let's see.
202
00:09:07,715 --> 00:09:11,719
August 5, 1973, I got
My first major league save.
203
00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:13,220
It was in baltimore.
204
00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:17,725
Sam, you don't have
To go into all of that.
205
00:09:17,725 --> 00:09:20,861
If you can
Go back to the womb,
206
00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:24,965
I can go back to the damn
Oriole double-header.
207
00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:26,867
Anyway,
It was a sweltering day.
208
00:09:26,867 --> 00:09:29,870
Frank robinson had been
Killing me all season.
209
00:09:29,870 --> 00:09:31,571
...Happened
Every single time.
210
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:34,374
No matter
What town you were in,
211
00:09:34,374 --> 00:09:38,145
These women would just
Hang around outside
Your locker room,
212
00:09:38,145 --> 00:09:39,680
Complete strangers,
And throw themselves at you?
213
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:42,883
Yeah.
It was great.
214
00:09:44,752 --> 00:09:46,386
Well, uh, moving on,
215
00:09:46,386 --> 00:09:49,890
Now, what are the keys
To a successful marriage?
216
00:09:49,890 --> 00:09:53,093
There are numerous
Schools of thought.
217
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:54,594
Many experts claim
218
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,429
The most important
Single ingredient
219
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:57,998
In a marriage is...
220
00:09:57,998 --> 00:09:59,499
Quickly now.
221
00:09:59,499 --> 00:10:00,500
Love.
222
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:01,501
Sex.
223
00:10:01,501 --> 00:10:03,036
Honesty.
224
00:10:04,071 --> 00:10:06,974
Because from
Honesty springs...
225
00:10:06,974 --> 00:10:07,975
Fidelity.
226
00:10:07,975 --> 00:10:08,909
Sex.
227
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:11,745
Yes, trust.
228
00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:15,382
I was going
To say that.
229
00:10:15,382 --> 00:10:17,785
Well, those people
Are wrong.
230
00:10:17,785 --> 00:10:19,920
Now, during the course
Of my counseling,
231
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:21,588
I've come up with
An number of scenarios,
232
00:10:21,588 --> 00:10:23,090
The responses to which
233
00:10:23,090 --> 00:10:26,626
Give very useful pointers
To a couple's compatibility.
234
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:30,097
So, sam,
We'll start with you.
235
00:10:30,097 --> 00:10:31,799
You're on
Your honeymoon.
236
00:10:31,799 --> 00:10:33,300
With...Diane?
237
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:34,802
With diane.
238
00:10:34,802 --> 00:10:37,104
Now, the 2 of you are
On a tropical beach
239
00:10:37,104 --> 00:10:39,239
Wearing nothing
But your swimming togs.
240
00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:42,275
Doctor, I do have
A tendency to freckle.
241
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,679
Diane's wearing
A big hat.
242
00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:50,650
Sam, you see
A woman walk by.
243
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,419
Her flesh is tawny
From the tropic sun.
244
00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:54,221
Her proud
Yet supple bosoms
245
00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:57,324
Heave mightily
Against the constraints
Of her tiny bikini.
246
00:10:57,324 --> 00:10:59,459
You think she's
The most beautiful creature
That you have ever seen.
247
00:10:59,459 --> 00:11:02,730
At this moment, diane
Turns to you and says,
"A penny for your thoughts."
248
00:11:02,730 --> 00:11:04,898
Do you share them with her?
249
00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:07,134
Gee, that's, uh...
Hard to say.
250
00:11:07,134 --> 00:11:10,670
When you say bikini,
Is it that french cut?
251
00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:12,005
Sam!
252
00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:14,674
I'm just trying
To clarify things
Here.
253
00:11:16,043 --> 00:11:18,545
All right,
Do I tell her?
254
00:11:18,545 --> 00:11:20,347
No, of course not.
255
00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:23,784
You wouldn't trust me
To handle that?
256
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:25,986
Well, yes, of
Course I would.
257
00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:27,554
Did I say no?
I meant yes.
258
00:11:27,554 --> 00:11:29,156
All right, diane.
259
00:11:29,156 --> 00:11:30,690
It's your wedding night.
260
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:33,360
You and sam
Have just made love.
261
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:36,129
Sam has not performed
To your satisfaction.
262
00:11:43,470 --> 00:11:45,205
He asks you how it was.
263
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,706
Do you tell him?
264
00:11:48,675 --> 00:11:50,377
I never have before.
265
00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:51,779
Ha ha, I'm kidding.
266
00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:55,382
I tell you
I'm kidding.
267
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:57,985
Of course
I wouldn't tell him.
It would hurt his feelings.
268
00:11:57,985 --> 00:12:01,288
Fine. I just have to
Express my appreciation
269
00:12:01,288 --> 00:12:02,589
That you're being
So open with me.
270
00:12:02,589 --> 00:12:04,257
I've heard enough.
271
00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:05,592
That's it?
272
00:12:05,592 --> 00:12:07,027
That's all
He has to hear.
273
00:12:07,027 --> 00:12:08,661
The good doctor
Is a brilliant man.
274
00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:11,398
I'm sure
He has a complete handle
On our relationship.
275
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:12,732
Yes, I have.
276
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:15,702
You two should not only
Not get married,
277
00:12:15,702 --> 00:12:18,839
You should never
See each other again.
278
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:21,108
What?
279
00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:22,509
I'm sorry to be so blunt,
280
00:12:22,509 --> 00:12:26,814
But sometimes a surgeon
Has to cut in order to cure.
281
00:12:26,814 --> 00:12:28,348
Well,
What's the problem?
282
00:12:28,348 --> 00:12:31,518
Would that there were
Only one, but there are
So many.
283
00:12:31,518 --> 00:12:33,186
I see
What you mean.
284
00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:35,655
First of all
And most obviously
285
00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:37,390
You have absolutely
Nothing in common.
286
00:12:37,390 --> 00:12:40,427
Then on top of that,
You have an appalling
Lack of communication.
287
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:43,897
What about the idea
That opposites attract?
288
00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:46,766
Ah, the song
Of the truly desperate. Well...
289
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:51,538
Take it from who has observed
Dozens of failed marriages,
290
00:12:51,538 --> 00:12:54,774
The only thing
That opposites attract
Is divorce.
291
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,443
Wait, don't go.
292
00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:57,911
What should we do?
293
00:12:57,911 --> 00:13:00,247
Well, think yourselves lucky.
You found out now.
294
00:13:00,247 --> 00:13:02,082
You've saved yourselves
Years, perhaps decades,
295
00:13:02,082 --> 00:13:04,217
Of pain and heartache.
296
00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:05,986
Cheerio.
297
00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:22,202
Simon, I've signed
A blank check.
298
00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:23,871
Now, remember,
No favors.
299
00:13:23,871 --> 00:13:25,205
I want you to fill in
Your regular fee.
300
00:13:25,205 --> 00:13:26,606
As you wish. Thanks.
Excuse me.
301
00:13:26,606 --> 00:13:28,108
I must dash back
To the hotel.
302
00:13:28,108 --> 00:13:30,277
Just for my ledger,
What amount shall I
Fill in?
303
00:13:30,277 --> 00:13:31,078
$1,500.
304
00:13:31,078 --> 00:13:33,613
Fine, $1,500. Done.
305
00:13:33,613 --> 00:13:35,048
Pretentious
Limey bastard.
306
00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:39,486
Well, what am I saying?
307
00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:41,588
It was your wedding gift,
And he is the best.
308
00:13:41,588 --> 00:13:44,091
The man's a quack.
309
00:13:44,091 --> 00:13:47,928
Imagine he had the nerve
To say that sam and I
Shouldn't get married,
310
00:13:47,928 --> 00:13:50,697
That we have absolutely
Nothing in common.
311
00:13:50,697 --> 00:13:51,965
Excuse me, diane,
312
00:13:51,965 --> 00:13:56,336
What exactly
Do you two
Have in common?
313
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,705
Well, we...
314
00:13:58,705 --> 00:14:00,908
Wait a minute.
Somebody's suggesting
Sam and diane
315
00:14:00,908 --> 00:14:04,377
Aren't right
For each other.
316
00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:06,746
Where have I
Heard that before?
317
00:14:06,746 --> 00:14:08,882
Of course, my prayers.
318
00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:13,553
What are we
Going to do?
319
00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:15,555
We're going to get
Married, of course.
320
00:14:15,555 --> 00:14:19,859
We're not going to
Listen to that sack
Of fish and chips.
321
00:14:22,762 --> 00:14:24,397
Wait a minute.
322
00:14:28,268 --> 00:14:30,470
Why, that wily
Old bird.
323
00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:31,771
He's brilliant.
324
00:14:31,771 --> 00:14:34,074
Hold it, hold it,
Hold it.
325
00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:35,742
First, he's brilliant,
326
00:14:35,742 --> 00:14:37,110
Then he's a quack,
327
00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:39,346
And now
He's brilliant again?
328
00:14:39,346 --> 00:14:40,780
Don't you see?
It was a test.
329
00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:42,782
He was testing
Our resolve
330
00:14:42,782 --> 00:14:45,285
In the face
Of his pronouncement.
331
00:14:45,285 --> 00:14:46,486
Come on, let's go
To his hotel.
332
00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:48,021
No, I don't want
To do that. Come on.
333
00:14:48,021 --> 00:14:51,992
We have to prove to him
That we are indivisible.
334
00:14:51,992 --> 00:14:54,194
I can't believe
That I almost fell
335
00:14:54,194 --> 00:14:55,795
For the oldest trick
In the book.
336
00:14:55,795 --> 00:14:57,297
Come on.
337
00:14:57,297 --> 00:14:59,299
I thought the oldest
Trick in the book
338
00:14:59,299 --> 00:15:01,268
Was the one where the guy
Tells you you got a spot
On your shirt.
339
00:15:01,268 --> 00:15:05,572
Then when you look down,
Barrom--he flicks your nose.
340
00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:09,776
Woody, you do have
A spot on your shirt there.
341
00:15:09,776 --> 00:15:11,778
Oh, no, no, no,
Mr. Clavin.
342
00:15:11,778 --> 00:15:13,613
I'm not
Falling for that.
343
00:15:13,613 --> 00:15:17,617
Wait, wait. You got
A spot right there.
344
00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:21,955
Yeah, right. You're not
Going to make me look
Like a dope.
345
00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:30,063
No, darling, I've settled in
For the evening.
346
00:15:30,063 --> 00:15:31,698
I'm desperate for
A bit of peace and quiet,
347
00:15:31,698 --> 00:15:34,601
So I'll just have a bite to eat
And a bath and pop into bed.
348
00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:36,936
Oh, that pompous twit
Frasier crane says hello.
349
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,405
As bad as usual
If not worse.
350
00:15:38,405 --> 00:15:44,411
Though you may be amused to know
I stuck him for $1,500.
351
00:15:44,411 --> 00:15:45,712
[knock on door]
352
00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:47,747
Oh, excuse me, darling.
Someone's at the door.
353
00:15:47,747 --> 00:15:49,616
Shall we say--
Yes, all right.
354
00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:52,052
Yes, I love you, too.
355
00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:58,858
Hello, doctor.
356
00:15:58,858 --> 00:16:00,527
This is a surprise.
357
00:16:00,527 --> 00:16:03,263
Sorry about this.
We didn't catch you
On the hopper, did we?
358
00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:07,067
No, but thanks for
Asking. Come in.
359
00:16:08,001 --> 00:16:10,503
This will
Only take a moment.
360
00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:12,505
You know, you're
A very clever man.
361
00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:14,507
It wasn't until
After you'd left
That we realized
362
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:17,977
You were merely
Testing our resolve.
363
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,779
So we stand before you now
364
00:16:19,779 --> 00:16:23,783
As proof we are steadfast
In our devotion to one another.
365
00:16:23,783 --> 00:16:26,153
Well,
That's very lovely,
But it wasn't a test.
366
00:16:26,153 --> 00:16:30,590
Oh, listen to him, sam.
It's yet another test.
367
00:16:30,590 --> 00:16:33,293
I'm afraid
I haven't made myself
Sufficiently clear.
368
00:16:33,293 --> 00:16:37,030
Um, you two
Are an accident...
369
00:16:37,030 --> 00:16:40,133
Waiting to marry.
370
00:16:41,468 --> 00:16:45,538
Well, you couldn't
Be more wrong.
371
00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:47,807
If you only knew
The enormous obstacles
We've overcome,
372
00:16:47,807 --> 00:16:51,811
You'd know we're destined
To die in each other's arms.
373
00:16:51,811 --> 00:16:54,481
Because although
We're very different people,
374
00:16:54,481 --> 00:16:58,017
Our hearts
Mesh together perfectly.
375
00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:00,487
We have
Achieved symbiosis.
376
00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:04,457
Not every time,
But it's close.
377
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:10,130
Sorry about this.
378
00:17:10,130 --> 00:17:11,464
Aren't we all?
379
00:17:17,304 --> 00:17:19,806
All I'm saying is
Maybe he's right.
380
00:17:19,806 --> 00:17:21,174
Maybe we should give it
Some thought. Maybe we
Should wait.
381
00:17:21,174 --> 00:17:23,076
Maybe I'm a
Confirmed bachelor.
382
00:17:23,076 --> 00:17:24,211
Maybe you'll
Do me the honor
383
00:17:24,211 --> 00:17:26,146
Of sticking
A sock in it!
384
00:17:26,146 --> 00:17:27,614
I take it it didn't
Go so well?
385
00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:30,383
He claims
It wasn't a test.
386
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:34,221
If you ask me,
His methods
Are highly suspect.
387
00:17:34,221 --> 00:17:36,556
How can he say
That we're mismatched
388
00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:39,559
On the basis
Of two silly questions?
389
00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:41,561
I didn't even answer
Mine accurately.
390
00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:45,232
I said what I thought
He wanted to hear.
391
00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:46,666
Sam, did you answer
The way you wanted to answer
392
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:48,668
Or the way you thought
He wanted you to answer
393
00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:50,903
Or the way you thought
I wanted you to answer.
394
00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:54,441
I don't know. I got
Confused after the babe
In the bikini walked by.
395
00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:58,878
Well, diane.
396
00:17:58,878 --> 00:18:01,881
Did you tell simon
All this?
397
00:18:01,881 --> 00:18:05,118
No, I didn't.
398
00:18:05,118 --> 00:18:08,521
But I'm going to now.
Come on, sam.
399
00:18:08,521 --> 00:18:09,689
We just came back
From that hotel.
400
00:18:09,689 --> 00:18:11,524
I'm not going
Back there again.
401
00:18:11,524 --> 00:18:14,494
This is a crucial point
In our relationship.
402
00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:17,096
I am starved.
I haven't eaten
All day. Come on.
403
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:19,132
Both of you,
Go to finch-royce,
404
00:18:19,132 --> 00:18:20,700
Tell him the truth.
405
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:22,402
Let him make
And accurate assessment
Of your relationship.
406
00:18:22,402 --> 00:18:23,836
All right.
You owe it to me,
You owe it to him,
407
00:18:23,836 --> 00:18:26,573
And most of all,
You owe it to yourselves.
408
00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:28,375
Don't come back until
You're fully satisfied.
409
00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:29,876
I don't care
How long it takes.
410
00:18:29,876 --> 00:18:31,411
Thank you.
411
00:18:31,411 --> 00:18:32,712
1,500 bucks, my butt.
412
00:18:32,712 --> 00:18:35,748
Frasier crane
Can play hardball, too.
413
00:18:41,721 --> 00:18:43,790
If you need anything else,
Just let me know.
414
00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:46,426
Thank you. Are you sure
The soup is piping hot
This time?
415
00:18:46,426 --> 00:18:49,629
Yes, sir. I burned myself
On the bowl.
416
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:50,863
Excellent.
417
00:18:55,868 --> 00:18:57,570
[knock on door]
418
00:19:04,944 --> 00:19:07,514
How lovely
To see you again.
419
00:19:07,514 --> 00:19:08,948
What's it been,
30 minutes?
420
00:19:08,948 --> 00:19:11,651
I'm sorry
To barge in.
421
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:13,286
I hope we're not
Disturbing you.
422
00:19:13,286 --> 00:19:15,222
Actually I was just
About to have my dinner.
423
00:19:15,222 --> 00:19:16,656
Dinner?
424
00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:18,491
Yes, I don't want
To sound rude,
425
00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:21,160
But I actually would
Like to eat it
While it's hot.
426
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:24,497
I'm sorry. This is
Simply too important
To put it off.
427
00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:25,932
It's been preying
On our minds.
428
00:19:25,932 --> 00:19:27,534
We really can't
Think of anything
Else.
429
00:19:27,534 --> 00:19:28,935
Isn't that right,
Sam?
430
00:19:28,935 --> 00:19:30,470
Yeah, right.
Are you gonna eat
Those crackers?
431
00:19:30,470 --> 00:19:31,638
Yes, I am! Now,
Would you please just say
432
00:19:31,638 --> 00:19:33,706
Whatever it is
You've come to say?
433
00:19:33,706 --> 00:19:36,409
Very well.
From the moment
Of your pronouncement,
434
00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:38,778
We felt that
You were wrong,
435
00:19:38,778 --> 00:19:41,013
And now we realize why.
436
00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:42,782
We gave you
The wrong answers
437
00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:44,484
To your questions
About the honeymoon.
438
00:19:44,484 --> 00:19:45,952
We've thought it over,
439
00:19:45,952 --> 00:19:48,655
And now
We want to give you
Our real answers.
440
00:19:48,655 --> 00:19:51,724
Yes, well, it doesn't matter
What you say now, you see?
441
00:19:51,724 --> 00:19:54,427
What matters is
Your first response,
Your gut reaction.
442
00:19:54,427 --> 00:19:57,264
You've had two hours
To think about it now.
443
00:19:57,264 --> 00:19:59,699
Yes, well,
Sometimes it takes
Sam two hours
444
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:02,502
To come up with
His first thought.
445
00:20:04,437 --> 00:20:05,972
I don't appreciate that.
446
00:20:05,972 --> 00:20:08,741
It was your stupid idea
To come here in the first place.
447
00:20:08,741 --> 00:20:10,443
All of sudden he says
Something you don't like,
448
00:20:10,443 --> 00:20:12,379
And now you don't
Believe him anymore?
449
00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:14,747
Well, he's wrong.
He doesn't know what
He's talking about.
450
00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:16,449
Don't you think he's
Capable of making a mistake?
451
00:20:16,449 --> 00:20:18,385
That's
Highly unlikely,
452
00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:20,953
Although I did let
The 2 of you in.
453
00:20:20,953 --> 00:20:22,121
Excuse me, um...
454
00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:24,090
Come on,
Let's get out of here.
455
00:20:24,090 --> 00:20:26,993
I'm starved. I want
To go have some dinner.
You want to join me?
456
00:20:26,993 --> 00:20:28,428
Please say yes.
457
00:20:35,001 --> 00:20:37,937
[knock on door]
458
00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:39,639
[knock]
459
00:20:39,639 --> 00:20:40,873
[knock]
460
00:20:44,277 --> 00:20:46,546
I wondered what
Was keeping you.
461
00:20:46,546 --> 00:20:49,181
I was beginning
To get worried.
462
00:20:49,181 --> 00:20:50,850
Did we get you
Out of the shower?
463
00:20:50,850 --> 00:20:54,754
No. The soup was
So hot, it set off
The sprinkler system.
464
00:20:56,289 --> 00:20:58,291
Sam and I have been
To the library,
465
00:20:58,291 --> 00:21:00,560
And we've done
Extensive research.
466
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:03,095
We're here to tell
You that you are
Full of rubbish!
467
00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:07,300
How thoughtful. Most people
Would only have phoned.
468
00:21:07,300 --> 00:21:10,102
Now, if you'll just
Examine the parts--
469
00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:12,605
I think I've shown
Remarkable restraint so far,
470
00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:14,441
But I have had
Just about enough.
471
00:21:14,441 --> 00:21:16,609
I've said that
You're not compatible,
472
00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:19,612
And you have done nothing
To show me otherwise.
473
00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:21,481
Look, I don't know what
We're supposed to do
474
00:21:21,481 --> 00:21:23,049
Or what we're supposed
To say,
475
00:21:23,049 --> 00:21:24,584
But we're here
Fighting for our lives
Together!
476
00:21:24,584 --> 00:21:27,620
Now doesn't that
Count for something?
477
00:21:27,620 --> 00:21:28,855
No.
478
00:21:33,660 --> 00:21:34,594
Why not?
479
00:21:34,594 --> 00:21:35,828
Well, let me answer you
This way.
480
00:21:35,828 --> 00:21:37,797
Sam, do you really
Want to be here?
481
00:21:37,797 --> 00:21:38,598
No.
482
00:21:38,598 --> 00:21:40,600
Oh, what
Do you mean?
483
00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:41,901
I mean no.
I don't want to be here.
484
00:21:41,901 --> 00:21:44,236
This whole thing
Was your stupid idea.
485
00:21:44,236 --> 00:21:45,772
What do we care
486
00:21:45,772 --> 00:21:47,340
If this guy doesn't
Think we should get married?
487
00:21:47,340 --> 00:21:51,077
Nobody we know thinks
We should get married.
488
00:21:51,077 --> 00:21:53,446
We don't go bugging them
In the middle of the night,
Do we?
489
00:21:53,446 --> 00:21:54,614
All right,
490
00:21:54,614 --> 00:21:56,816
What do you
Suggest we do?
491
00:21:56,816 --> 00:21:57,984
Nothing.
492
00:21:57,984 --> 00:22:00,420
That's your solution
To everything--nothing!
493
00:22:00,420 --> 00:22:04,290
Is that what you're
Going to do for the rest
Of your life, nothing?
494
00:22:04,290 --> 00:22:06,426
I haven't decided yet.
495
00:22:10,630 --> 00:22:12,765
I've grown to hate them.
496
00:22:17,136 --> 00:22:19,972
[knock on door]
497
00:22:19,972 --> 00:22:21,608
[knock]
498
00:22:24,844 --> 00:22:26,446
[knock]
499
00:22:30,950 --> 00:22:34,120
That's it. I've died
And gone to hell.
500
00:22:35,455 --> 00:22:36,923
Doctor...
501
00:22:36,923 --> 00:22:39,459
There's one thing
You haven't considered.
502
00:22:39,459 --> 00:22:42,562
All right. Ok. Um...
503
00:22:42,562 --> 00:22:45,164
Sam, diane...
504
00:22:45,164 --> 00:22:48,835
You two are
Perfect together.
505
00:22:48,835 --> 00:22:50,903
I'm sorry I made a mistake,
506
00:22:50,903 --> 00:22:52,505
But I now see
507
00:22:52,505 --> 00:22:53,506
That you're the most
Perfectly matched couple
508
00:22:53,506 --> 00:22:55,408
On the face
Of the earth.
509
00:22:55,408 --> 00:22:57,677
But why am
I telling you this?
510
00:22:57,677 --> 00:23:00,046
Let's share it
With the rest of
The world, shall we?
511
00:23:00,046 --> 00:23:01,147
Hear this, world!
512
00:23:01,147 --> 00:23:03,683
The rest of you can stop
Getting married now.
513
00:23:03,683 --> 00:23:05,952
It's been done
To perfection.
514
00:23:05,952 --> 00:23:08,521
Envy them, sofa!
Envy them, chair!
515
00:23:08,521 --> 00:23:11,524
For you shall never
Be as cozy as they,
516
00:23:11,524 --> 00:23:13,526
For I guarantee
Their marriage
517
00:23:13,526 --> 00:23:16,228
Will be a total,
Epoch shattering success.
518
00:23:16,228 --> 00:23:19,532
And I stake
My life on it!
519
00:23:19,532 --> 00:23:22,669
Quick! Let me
Put that on record!
520
00:23:24,236 --> 00:23:26,238
I, dr. Simon
Finch-royce,
521
00:23:26,238 --> 00:23:28,541
Being of sound mind,
522
00:23:28,541 --> 00:23:30,543
Declare that
Sam and diane
523
00:23:30,543 --> 00:23:32,545
Shall be together
Throughout all eternity,
524
00:23:32,545 --> 00:23:33,880
And if I'm wrong,
525
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:36,883
I hereby promise that
I will take my own life
526
00:23:36,883 --> 00:23:39,652
In the most disgusting
Manner possible.
527
00:23:41,187 --> 00:23:43,523
Here, take the tape--
528
00:23:43,523 --> 00:23:45,257
No, take
The whole machine.
529
00:23:45,257 --> 00:23:46,726
It's my wedding gift
To you.
530
00:23:46,726 --> 00:23:49,428
To you--the most
Perfect couple
531
00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:51,564
Since the dawn of time!
532
00:23:57,770 --> 00:23:59,772
See?
39094
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