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1
00:00:03,604 --> 00:00:05,873
Sam: "Cheers" is filmed before
A live studio audience.
2
00:00:05,873 --> 00:00:08,409
You sure you don't
Want to have another
Round, jack?
3
00:00:08,409 --> 00:00:10,911
Not me. Let's get
Out of here.
4
00:00:10,911 --> 00:00:12,413
What's the damage, mac?
5
00:00:12,413 --> 00:00:14,915
Just let me
Figure it out.
6
00:00:14,915 --> 00:00:18,719
Uh, that'll
Be 27.50.
7
00:00:18,719 --> 00:00:20,020
Ouch! You sure?
8
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,755
Yeah. You two
Gentlemen
9
00:00:21,755 --> 00:00:23,057
Had four
Peach daiquiris
10
00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:25,259
And three
Creme de menthe
Frappes.
11
00:00:28,296 --> 00:00:30,664
Something funny,
Dipstick?
12
00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:36,237
Uh...
13
00:00:36,237 --> 00:00:37,805
In the paper
This morning,
14
00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:41,609
It seem the sarge
Got tricked by
Beetle bailey again.
15
00:00:41,609 --> 00:00:45,546
Beetle put some
Itching powder
In his shorts.
16
00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:48,982
Uh-huh. We thought that
Maybe you was laughing
17
00:00:48,982 --> 00:00:51,152
At our drink order.
18
00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:52,753
Oh, b--
19
00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:54,155
Oh, on the contrary.
20
00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:56,690
Woody, I'll have
Another mocha frost.
21
00:00:56,690 --> 00:00:58,126
Keep them coming.
22
00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:06,800
* makin' your way
In the world today *
23
00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:10,304
* takes everything
You've got *
24
00:01:10,304 --> 00:01:12,940
* takin' a break
From all your worries *
25
00:01:12,940 --> 00:01:15,276
* sure would
Help a lot *
26
00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:19,580
* wouldn't you like
To get away *
27
00:01:22,316 --> 00:01:24,318
* sometimes
You wanna go *
28
00:01:24,318 --> 00:01:27,721
* where everybody
Knows your name *
29
00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:32,726
* and they're always
Glad you came *
30
00:01:34,262 --> 00:01:36,630
* you wanna be
Where you can see *
31
00:01:36,630 --> 00:01:39,066
* our troubles
Are all the same *
32
00:01:39,066 --> 00:01:40,368
* you wanna be *
33
00:01:40,368 --> 00:01:43,537
* where everybody
Knows your name *
34
00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:47,241
* you wanna go
Where people know *
35
00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:49,410
* people are
All the same *
36
00:01:49,410 --> 00:01:50,678
* you wanna go *
37
00:01:50,678 --> 00:01:54,348
* where everybody
Knows your name *
38
00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:16,069
Guess who's
Gonna interview me
On the radio tonight.
39
00:02:16,069 --> 00:02:18,406
Someone with a taste
For adventure.
40
00:02:18,406 --> 00:02:20,908
Dave richards,
My old buddy.
41
00:02:20,908 --> 00:02:22,476
And a 2x4
For a brain.
42
00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:25,179
And a dewar's,
Rocks, please.
43
00:02:25,179 --> 00:02:27,080
What's your big problem
With dave?
44
00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:28,316
I mean, ever since
He came in this place,
45
00:02:28,316 --> 00:02:31,018
You've been bad-mouthing
The guy.
46
00:02:31,018 --> 00:02:36,224
For some strange reason,
It find it hard to respect
A man with a bumper sticker--
47
00:02:36,224 --> 00:02:37,891
"Honk if you're horny."
48
00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:39,427
That's pretty good.
49
00:02:39,427 --> 00:02:43,163
Yeah.
Honk honk honk honk!
50
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,766
Oh. There's news.
51
00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:47,968
Hey, sam, what time
Do you have to be at
The radio station?
52
00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:49,770
No, it's a phone interview.
53
00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:52,473
It's that sportstalk show
That dave does after
The red sox game.
54
00:02:52,473 --> 00:02:53,774
Norm:
Evening, everybody.
55
00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:55,809
Norm!
Norm!
56
00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:57,345
What do you say,
Norm?
57
00:02:57,345 --> 00:03:00,814
I never met a beer
I didn't drink.
58
00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:04,618
And down it goes, huh?
59
00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:06,454
We missed you
Last night, buddy?
60
00:03:06,454 --> 00:03:09,957
You did?
Vera and I went dancing
With the henshaws--
61
00:03:09,957 --> 00:03:11,759
The next-door neighbors.
62
00:03:11,759 --> 00:03:15,496
Dancing? I didn't think
You liked walking.
63
00:03:15,496 --> 00:03:16,997
You kidding,
I love dancing.
64
00:03:16,997 --> 00:03:18,632
Could watch for hours.
65
00:03:18,632 --> 00:03:20,368
You don't dance
Yourself?
66
00:03:20,368 --> 00:03:23,304
Vera's the dancer
In our family.
67
00:03:23,304 --> 00:03:26,740
She even has
Dancer's buns.
68
00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:29,710
Too bad they're
On her calves.
69
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:33,514
So, normie, who's vera
Dancing with then?
70
00:03:33,514 --> 00:03:37,585
The guy ron henshaw.
Good dancer.
71
00:03:37,585 --> 00:03:40,288
Do they dance
The slow dances, do they?
72
00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:43,156
Yeah, a few times.
Why do you ask?
73
00:03:43,156 --> 00:03:44,458
No reason.
74
00:03:44,458 --> 00:03:45,959
You know,
During slow dances,
75
00:03:45,959 --> 00:03:50,298
Certain parts of the body
Rub against one another.
76
00:03:50,298 --> 00:03:52,266
Thigh touches thigh
Purely by accident.
77
00:03:52,266 --> 00:03:55,536
Before you know it,
You're hosing them
Off like dogs.
78
00:03:55,536 --> 00:03:58,472
It's good, clean fun,
All right, cliffie?
79
00:03:58,472 --> 00:04:02,175
I know which way
The wind blows.
80
00:04:02,175 --> 00:04:04,478
Yeah, usually
Out of your mouth.
81
00:04:04,478 --> 00:04:05,979
[telephone rings]
82
00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:07,147
Cheers.
83
00:04:07,147 --> 00:04:08,482
Oh, yeah. He's right here.
84
00:04:08,482 --> 00:04:11,151
Sam, it's some guy
From the radio station.
85
00:04:11,151 --> 00:04:13,487
Dave's ready
To go on the air!
86
00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:15,756
All right, I'll be
In my office.
87
00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:18,826
I can't believe
I'm talking to
A real radio station!
88
00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:20,928
Hey, listen,
While I've got you,
89
00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:24,932
Could you please play
"Roxanne" and dedicated it
To my girl?
90
00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:27,468
No, her name's beth.
91
00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:29,703
I don't think there's
A song called "Beth."
92
00:04:29,703 --> 00:04:30,838
Oh, hi, sam.
93
00:04:30,838 --> 00:04:32,806
Right. I'll hang up.
Good-bye.
94
00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:36,510
Well,
It's not really good-bye
Because we're not actually--
95
00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:38,011
Right now. Yes.
96
00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:39,513
They're ready.
97
00:04:39,513 --> 00:04:41,048
What's the score?
98
00:04:41,048 --> 00:04:42,516
What's the line?
99
00:04:42,516 --> 00:04:43,884
Who's ahead?
100
00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:45,218
Who's behind?
101
00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:46,520
Let's ask dave!
102
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:47,988
Who's behind?
103
00:04:47,988 --> 00:04:52,393
Come on, can we say that
On the air?
104
00:04:52,393 --> 00:04:55,295
I'm dave richard
With sports shorts.
105
00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:56,764
Well, we don't have
Much time.
106
00:04:56,764 --> 00:04:58,098
Because the red sox
Were involved in another
107
00:04:58,098 --> 00:04:59,900
Boring extra-inning game.
108
00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:02,570
So, let's go right
To tonight's guest.
109
00:05:02,570 --> 00:05:08,509
He's former red sox
Relief pitcher and one
Of my buds, sam malone.
110
00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:11,545
I'm here, dave.
How are you?
111
00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:14,081
Just great!
And you?
112
00:05:14,081 --> 00:05:15,549
Couldn't be better.
113
00:05:15,549 --> 00:05:19,186
Where does one send for
A transcript of this?
114
00:05:19,186 --> 00:05:22,189
You've hogged
The airwaves long enough.
115
00:05:22,189 --> 00:05:26,226
So let's open up
Those phone lines
For you listeners out there.
116
00:05:26,226 --> 00:05:29,430
Got a question
You've been dying
To ask sam malone?
117
00:05:29,430 --> 00:05:31,432
Here's your chance.
118
00:05:32,633 --> 00:05:35,769
Former major league great,
Mayday malone.
119
00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:37,004
Ahem.
120
00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:40,273
All the lines are clear,
121
00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:42,075
And it's a toll-free call.
122
00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:44,645
Doesn't have to be
About baseball.
123
00:05:44,645 --> 00:05:46,580
Anything at all.
Anything.
124
00:05:46,580 --> 00:05:48,749
Here's a call!
You're on the shorts!
125
00:05:48,749 --> 00:05:51,284
Hey, sam, where did
You put the olives?
126
00:05:51,284 --> 00:05:52,285
Woody--
127
00:05:52,285 --> 00:05:55,656
Get off the phone!
128
00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:58,459
He said
Anything at all.
129
00:05:58,459 --> 00:06:03,263
You were known
As quite a ladies' man
During your playing days.
130
00:06:03,263 --> 00:06:07,000
Are women more impressed
By a man in a baseball uniform?
131
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:08,969
Well, actually
I found women were
A lot more impressed
132
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:12,506
When I was
Out of my uniform,
If you get my drift.
133
00:06:12,506 --> 00:06:15,443
Seriously, a lot of
The chicks I dated
134
00:06:15,443 --> 00:06:17,611
Knew nothing
About the game
Of baseball at all.
135
00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:20,648
You know, in fact,
One former love bunny
136
00:06:20,648 --> 00:06:23,651
Actually
Brought a book
To a red sox game
137
00:06:23,651 --> 00:06:26,019
To pass time
Between pitches.
138
00:06:26,019 --> 00:06:28,522
A book?
You mean, like, to read?
139
00:06:28,522 --> 00:06:30,524
Swear to god, dave.
140
00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:36,129
I wonder who
That was, diane.
141
00:06:37,531 --> 00:06:39,633
Anyway, this is
Dave richard saying,
142
00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:42,402
Be a sport--don't be a jerk.
Good-bye!
143
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:44,404
Great show!
144
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:46,840
Do you love me,
Public?
145
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:53,514
"Love bunny"?
146
00:06:55,282 --> 00:06:57,084
What's wrong with that?
147
00:06:57,084 --> 00:07:00,888
How dare you callously
And cruelly lump me in
148
00:07:00,888 --> 00:07:04,024
With the other
Conglomeration of twinkies
149
00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:08,829
That constitutes
Your sexual past!
150
00:07:08,829 --> 00:07:12,132
There's just
No pleasing that woman.
151
00:07:17,905 --> 00:07:19,439
Hello, norm.
152
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:22,510
Phyllis, what are
You doing here?
153
00:07:22,510 --> 00:07:24,712
Well, I took the chance
I might find you here.
154
00:07:24,712 --> 00:07:27,414
Ooh, what are
The odds.
155
00:07:27,414 --> 00:07:30,383
You guys, this
Is phyllis henshaw.
156
00:07:30,383 --> 00:07:32,986
So,
Where's, uh, ron?
157
00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:34,755
I don't know.
158
00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:39,627
Um, could we
Talk privately?
159
00:07:39,627 --> 00:07:41,629
Sure. Yeah.
160
00:07:41,629 --> 00:07:43,163
Just follow me.
161
00:07:43,163 --> 00:07:44,632
Can I get you
Anything?
162
00:07:44,632 --> 00:07:46,133
No, thank you.
163
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:47,935
Uh, what's up?
164
00:07:49,637 --> 00:07:52,172
Norm, I've been
Trying to think
165
00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:55,643
Of an easy way
To say this,
166
00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:56,977
But I can't.
167
00:07:56,977 --> 00:08:00,648
I think
Vera and ron are
Having an affair.
168
00:08:00,648 --> 00:08:02,783
Vera and ron?
169
00:08:04,952 --> 00:08:08,522
Did you guys
All get that
Back there?
170
00:08:08,522 --> 00:08:10,524
That's just great.
How about you guys?
171
00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:12,325
You get that,
Everyone?
172
00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:14,795
Come on, let's just
Get away from the
Peanut gallery here.
173
00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:18,599
This is kind of hard
To believe, phyllis.
174
00:08:18,599 --> 00:08:20,200
I mean, what makes
You think they are?
175
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:22,402
Oh, norm, come on.
You're not blind.
176
00:08:22,402 --> 00:08:24,672
Haven't you seen the way
They look at each other
When they're dancing?
177
00:08:24,672 --> 00:08:27,675
I don't have
To tell you
178
00:08:27,675 --> 00:08:29,543
How attractive
Vera is.
179
00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:31,812
No, you certainly don't.
180
00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:36,550
Ron's always going
Over to borrow
Things from you.
181
00:08:36,550 --> 00:08:37,685
Yeah, but...
182
00:08:37,685 --> 00:08:39,452
All right, yeah.
183
00:08:39,452 --> 00:08:44,457
Vera said that he came over
Yesterday to borrow
A power drill...
184
00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:47,695
Norm, we have
A power drill.
185
00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:50,831
Well...
Variable speed?
186
00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:54,334
Yes.
187
00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:55,703
Cordless?
188
00:08:55,703 --> 00:08:57,104
Oh, my god!
189
00:08:57,104 --> 00:08:59,306
This doesn't
Mean anything.
190
00:08:59,306 --> 00:09:00,674
We have to find out!
191
00:09:00,674 --> 00:09:02,710
I think
We ought to hire
A private detective.
192
00:09:02,710 --> 00:09:05,145
I think you're
Jumping the gun a bit.
193
00:09:05,145 --> 00:09:06,313
Oh, are we?
Yes.
194
00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:07,715
Well, ron told me
He'd be home
All night.
195
00:09:07,715 --> 00:09:09,349
Let's just see
If he is.
196
00:09:09,349 --> 00:09:12,352
Phyllis, I'm sure...
Look--
197
00:09:12,352 --> 00:09:14,722
So, uh,
What's up, buddy?
198
00:09:14,722 --> 00:09:17,057
It's probably nothing.
I hope.
199
00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:19,192
Come on, now,
And fill us in, will you?
200
00:09:19,192 --> 00:09:21,094
I mean,
We're your friends here.
201
00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:22,730
We're sensitive
And caring.
202
00:09:22,730 --> 00:09:25,232
Our only concern
Is your support.
203
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:26,967
You know that,
Norman.
204
00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:28,936
All right,
How much did you
Overhear so far?
205
00:09:28,936 --> 00:09:30,804
Well, everything
But the location
206
00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:33,941
Where they're satisfying
Their pagan lust.
207
00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:38,578
No, this just can't be
True, mr. Peterson.
208
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,413
They wouldn't do that.
209
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:42,616
I mean,
They're both married,
For pete's sake.
210
00:09:42,616 --> 00:09:44,718
How old are you?
211
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,322
Well, what...
What happened?
212
00:09:49,322 --> 00:09:50,991
Ron's not home.
213
00:09:50,991 --> 00:09:52,793
Hire the private dick, norm.
214
00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:55,562
Hey, my cousin santo's
A gumshoe, and a great one.
215
00:09:55,562 --> 00:09:59,299
He's professional, thorough,
And a master of disguise.
I'm sure he is.
216
00:09:59,299 --> 00:10:01,802
Not just as people, either.
But things--furniture.
217
00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:04,805
I mean, he could be here
Right now.
218
00:10:04,805 --> 00:10:06,139
Norman,
I think it's a mistake.
219
00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:08,876
Don't give in
To suspicion.
220
00:10:08,876 --> 00:10:10,644
Baloney.
Hire santo.
221
00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:12,680
Better safe
Than sorry.
222
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:14,614
Trust...
Maybe...
Call...
223
00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:17,450
Who are
These people?
224
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:20,387
All right, wait a minute.
Just would you wait
A minute now?
225
00:10:20,387 --> 00:10:21,554
Phyllis...
226
00:10:21,554 --> 00:10:22,756
You may not
Know about ron,
227
00:10:22,756 --> 00:10:25,592
But vera happens to
Love me, all right?
228
00:10:25,592 --> 00:10:27,594
And I certainly love her.
229
00:10:27,594 --> 00:10:28,862
I'm gonna call her
Right this minute
230
00:10:28,862 --> 00:10:30,864
And I'm gonna tell her that.
231
00:10:30,864 --> 00:10:34,702
And she better be there
To hear it.
232
00:10:41,508 --> 00:10:42,976
Hi, honey.
233
00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:46,680
Nothing, nothing.
I just...
234
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:49,683
Called to tell you
That I love you.
235
00:10:49,683 --> 00:10:52,485
The usual time.
236
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:54,988
I thought...
Yeah, bye. Bye.
237
00:10:58,025 --> 00:11:00,694
She says she's just
Sitting home alone
238
00:11:00,694 --> 00:11:02,262
Listening
To records.
239
00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:04,431
I could hear johnny
Mathis singing in
The background.
240
00:11:04,431 --> 00:11:05,899
There you go.
I knew it.
241
00:11:05,899 --> 00:11:08,702
That's good
News, isn't it,
Mr. Peterson?
242
00:11:08,702 --> 00:11:11,571
Yeah.
It would be better
243
00:11:11,571 --> 00:11:14,074
If we had a
Johnny mathis album.
244
00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:17,845
We have one.
245
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:23,350
All right. Carla,
Call your cousin.
246
00:11:39,599 --> 00:11:41,301
Hey,
Did you enjoy
Your dinner?
247
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:48,008
Hey.
Hey, listen...
248
00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:51,779
Excuse me, miss?
249
00:11:51,779 --> 00:11:54,381
Are you or are you not
Speaking to me?
250
00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:55,816
Never, ever again.
251
00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:02,189
How could you?
252
00:12:02,189 --> 00:12:05,692
After all
We've been through.
253
00:12:05,692 --> 00:12:09,462
What we had together
Was real and special.
254
00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:12,665
And now you've cheapened it
For all eternity
255
00:12:12,665 --> 00:12:14,201
By broadcasting
256
00:12:14,201 --> 00:12:16,870
To the entire
Boston metropolitan area
257
00:12:16,870 --> 00:12:19,506
That I was
Nothing but...
258
00:12:19,506 --> 00:12:22,009
An odalique
In your seraglio.
259
00:12:22,009 --> 00:12:25,946
If that's your idea
Of the silent treatment
260
00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:28,415
It needs a little work.
261
00:12:30,117 --> 00:12:31,651
Oh, come on...
All right, all right.
262
00:12:31,651 --> 00:12:33,120
Whatever it is I said
263
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:37,157
And whatever the hell
It was that you
Just said,
264
00:12:37,157 --> 00:12:40,693
What if I go back
On the air there
And apologize?
265
00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:42,662
Will that fix things up?
266
00:12:42,662 --> 00:12:43,797
Hmm?
267
00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:45,799
Do whatever
You want.
268
00:12:45,799 --> 00:12:47,835
I couldn't
Care less.
269
00:12:47,835 --> 00:12:50,971
Keep it short
And simple.
270
00:12:53,073 --> 00:12:54,674
Something dignified.
271
00:12:54,674 --> 00:12:56,176
No sweat.
272
00:12:57,277 --> 00:13:00,413
I'll write
The script for you.
273
00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:03,316
Well, is there
Anything else
You can tell me?
274
00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:05,618
No, no. I think that's
Just about everything.
275
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,154
When can
You start?
276
00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:09,489
Look, you both seem
Like nice people.
277
00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:11,624
Now, do yourselves a favor,
Don't hire me.
278
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:14,194
Well, that's an
Interesting sales pitch
You have there,
279
00:13:14,194 --> 00:13:17,730
But we're quite
Serious about this.
280
00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:19,632
You don't know
What you're letting
Yourselves in for here,
281
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:23,236
A lot of pain, a lot of
Heartache, a lot of misery.
282
00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:25,238
That's just
When you see the bill.
283
00:13:25,238 --> 00:13:27,975
My cousin.
She's a pistol.
284
00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:29,576
Mr. Carbone,
By hiring you,
285
00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:33,380
We hope to prove
Our spouses innocent.
Yeah, there you go.
286
00:13:33,380 --> 00:13:35,883
Most of these cases,
The news is otherwise.
287
00:13:35,883 --> 00:13:37,784
Believe me,
I've seen it
A million times.
288
00:13:37,784 --> 00:13:39,452
Bored husband,
Fed up with leftovers
289
00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:41,421
In the bedroom
As well as the kitchen,
290
00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:44,024
Starts eyeing a cute little
Pastry tart next door
291
00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:47,527
Who's only too happy
To serve up a little dessert.
292
00:13:47,527 --> 00:13:50,998
That's not true
In our case,
Is it, norm?
293
00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:54,134
Huh? No. No way.
Anyone else hungry?
294
00:13:56,669 --> 00:14:00,407
Look, nothing like this has
Ever happened before.
295
00:14:00,407 --> 00:14:03,076
Up until now, we've both
Had happy marriages.
296
00:14:03,076 --> 00:14:06,880
Believe me,
People who don't know
Are better off.
297
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:10,517
Could you excuse us
For a minute?
298
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,319
Yeah, sure.
299
00:14:14,721 --> 00:14:16,156
Well, norm,
What do you think?
300
00:14:16,156 --> 00:14:17,790
I'm not so sure
We should hire
This guy.
301
00:14:17,790 --> 00:14:20,660
Well, if we're being made fools
Of, I'd prefer to know it.
302
00:14:20,660 --> 00:14:22,662
Can't we just
Assume it
303
00:14:22,662 --> 00:14:24,597
And save a little
Money here?
304
00:14:29,336 --> 00:14:31,138
All right,
Look, mr. Carbone,
305
00:14:31,138 --> 00:14:33,073
We're going to hire
Your services,
All right?
306
00:14:33,073 --> 00:14:35,075
Your funeral.
307
00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:37,810
Thanks for
The referral, carla.
308
00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:39,479
See you, santo.
309
00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:47,354
You're diane chambers,
Aren't you?
310
00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:50,457
Yes, I am.
You look familiar.
311
00:14:50,457 --> 00:14:53,927
Weren't you
An attendant
At goldenbrook?
312
00:14:53,927 --> 00:14:55,895
That was just my cover.
313
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:58,665
Santo was the one
Who I hired
314
00:14:58,665 --> 00:15:00,667
To track you down
315
00:15:00,667 --> 00:15:02,469
At the
Insane asylum.
316
00:15:02,469 --> 00:15:05,005
It wasn't
An insane asylum, damn it!
317
00:15:05,005 --> 00:15:08,508
It was...
More like a spa.
318
00:15:09,943 --> 00:15:12,079
You're
Out already, huh?
319
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:16,283
Of course I'm out.
320
00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:19,286
Why wouldn't
I be out?
321
00:15:19,286 --> 00:15:20,687
No reason.
322
00:15:20,687 --> 00:15:23,156
Look,
You take it easy.
323
00:15:30,530 --> 00:15:33,200
Ok, sam malone is back on the
Show with a prepared statement
324
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,303
That he's gonna read.
Go ahead, sammy.
325
00:15:36,303 --> 00:15:37,804
Ladies and gentlemen,
326
00:15:37,804 --> 00:15:40,840
A week ago on this program
327
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:42,342
I, sam malone,
328
00:15:42,342 --> 00:15:45,078
Committed a faux pas
329
00:15:45,078 --> 00:15:47,514
Of the highest magnitude.
330
00:15:47,514 --> 00:15:50,517
I insensitively included
A wonderful woman
331
00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:53,620
In a category
In which she...
332
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:54,654
[paper rustles]
333
00:15:54,654 --> 00:15:57,290
Certainly did not
Merit inclusion.
334
00:15:57,290 --> 00:16:01,128
I apologize to her and
Indeed to women everywhere,
335
00:16:01,128 --> 00:16:02,562
Both living and dead,
336
00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:07,067
Whose sensibilities
May have been offended.
337
00:16:07,067 --> 00:16:10,103
Yeah. Whatever peels
Your potatoes, sam.
338
00:16:10,103 --> 00:16:12,105
Our next guest is...
339
00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:14,974
Very well done.
Thank you, sam.
340
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,743
You're welcome...
341
00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:18,311
Little love bunny.
342
00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:22,049
Oy vey!
343
00:16:22,049 --> 00:16:23,283
You all right,
Mr. Peterson?
344
00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:24,917
You've been
Awful quiet tonight.
345
00:16:24,917 --> 00:16:29,289
I was thinking
About a high school
Football game actually.
346
00:16:29,289 --> 00:16:31,324
It was
A long time ago, woody,
347
00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:33,893
And far away from here.
348
00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:35,295
We were playing
Our arch rivals
349
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:37,030
For the state
Championship,
350
00:16:37,030 --> 00:16:40,167
And I saw the cutest
Little cheerleader
351
00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:43,770
That I'd ever seen
In my life just
Cheering her heart out.
352
00:16:43,770 --> 00:16:45,572
I looked at her,
353
00:16:45,572 --> 00:16:48,575
And the sun seemed
To be shining
354
00:16:48,575 --> 00:16:50,710
Only where she stood,
You know what I mean?
355
00:16:52,179 --> 00:16:54,581
She seemed
To be everything
356
00:16:54,581 --> 00:16:57,584
That was bright,
Pure, and good.
357
00:16:57,584 --> 00:17:02,322
I knew right then and
Then I wanted to make
That little gal my wife.
358
00:17:02,322 --> 00:17:05,358
So I turned
To vera and said,
359
00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:07,494
"Honey, would you mind
Introducing me to
The cheerleader?"
360
00:17:10,797 --> 00:17:12,265
I'm joking, woody.
361
00:17:12,265 --> 00:17:15,702
Of course, that little
Cheerleader was vera.
362
00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:18,505
Can I ask you
A question, mr. Peterson?
363
00:17:18,505 --> 00:17:19,606
Sure.
364
00:17:19,606 --> 00:17:21,040
Who won the game?
365
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:26,613
You know,
I really couldn't
Tell you who won,
366
00:17:26,613 --> 00:17:30,283
But tonight I sure
Know who lost.
367
00:17:31,618 --> 00:17:35,488
Well, can't you figure
It out from that?
368
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,894
Could I have
Another beer, please?
369
00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:43,563
Coming up.
370
00:17:48,501 --> 00:17:50,337
Norm?
371
00:17:50,337 --> 00:17:53,873
Hi. I just got a call
From mr. Carbone.
372
00:17:53,873 --> 00:17:56,109
He's gonna drop by
With his report
In a few minutes.
373
00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:57,844
Did he say anything?
374
00:17:57,844 --> 00:17:59,846
No. He said he wanted to wait
And talk to us in person.
375
00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:01,548
Man!
376
00:18:01,548 --> 00:18:04,984
Um, could we wait
In the back room
Where it's private?
377
00:18:04,984 --> 00:18:06,353
All right.
378
00:18:16,663 --> 00:18:20,367
Oh, norm.
Where did we go wrong?
379
00:18:20,367 --> 00:18:22,902
I don't know.
I've been wracking
My brain
380
00:18:22,902 --> 00:18:25,172
Trying
To figure it out.
381
00:18:25,172 --> 00:18:26,906
Day after day,
Night after night,
382
00:18:26,906 --> 00:18:28,275
I sit on that stool
Out there
383
00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:31,444
Wondering why did
She lose interest
In me?
384
00:18:33,846 --> 00:18:37,884
Norm, listen,
Whatever the outcome,
I want you to know
385
00:18:37,884 --> 00:18:41,488
I couldn't have gotten
Through this without you.
386
00:18:41,488 --> 00:18:43,490
You've been
A tower of strength.
387
00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:46,125
You've been
Great, too, phyllis.
388
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,494
Thank you.
389
00:18:47,494 --> 00:18:50,163
What if the news
Is bad?
390
00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:52,199
I mean, what then?
391
00:18:52,199 --> 00:18:54,000
Well, I know what
I'm gonna do.
392
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:57,737
I'm gonna go right out
And have an affair myself,
393
00:18:57,737 --> 00:18:59,839
Maybe lots of them.
394
00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:01,641
You are darn right!
395
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:04,377
That's exactly
What I'm gonna do.
396
00:19:04,377 --> 00:19:06,646
Just watch my dust.
397
00:19:10,850 --> 00:19:12,519
Of course, the...
398
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,054
Difficult part is...
399
00:19:15,054 --> 00:19:17,089
Finding
The right person.
400
00:19:17,089 --> 00:19:19,392
It's hard, all right.
401
00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:25,698
No, that's...
Always the hard part.
402
00:19:25,698 --> 00:19:27,967
It would have to be
Someone who really
Understands me.
403
00:19:27,967 --> 00:19:29,536
You know
What I mean?
404
00:19:29,536 --> 00:19:33,406
Someone you could
Depend on?
405
00:19:33,406 --> 00:19:36,409
I wouldn't know
Where to begin.
406
00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:38,945
I'd be
Completely lost.
407
00:19:54,561 --> 00:19:59,766
Of course, I wouldn't want
To break up a marriage,
408
00:19:59,766 --> 00:20:01,768
Like those...
409
00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:03,270
Two homewreckers.
410
00:20:04,304 --> 00:20:05,738
Those jackals.
411
00:20:09,175 --> 00:20:10,477
Adulterers.
412
00:20:11,744 --> 00:20:12,712
Fornicaters!
413
00:20:19,286 --> 00:20:20,587
Well, I...
414
00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:23,290
Oh, for god's sakes!
415
00:20:23,290 --> 00:20:26,326
Boy, this is one
For the books.
416
00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:28,528
God help us all.
417
00:20:28,528 --> 00:20:29,829
Just no commentary,
Please. Skip it,
418
00:20:29,829 --> 00:20:32,599
And just give us
The report, please.
419
00:20:32,599 --> 00:20:34,601
All right.
I followed them
Everywhere.
420
00:20:34,601 --> 00:20:36,803
The supermarket,
The movie theater,
421
00:20:36,803 --> 00:20:38,204
To the golf course.
422
00:20:38,204 --> 00:20:42,475
Last night
I got what I wanted
At the sea shamy restaurant.
423
00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:44,010
Well, let's hear
The tape.
424
00:20:44,010 --> 00:20:45,345
Yeah, let's.
I don't want
To hang around here
425
00:20:45,345 --> 00:20:47,614
Any longer
Than I gotta.
426
00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:50,650
We've put this off
Too long.
427
00:20:50,650 --> 00:20:52,852
Well, we want to be
Sure about some things.
428
00:20:52,852 --> 00:20:54,387
[dishes crash]
429
00:20:54,387 --> 00:20:56,389
Busboy
Dropped a tray.
430
00:20:56,389 --> 00:20:57,924
What did she
Say? I couldn't
Hear a thing.
431
00:20:57,924 --> 00:20:59,392
What did you say.
432
00:20:59,392 --> 00:21:00,693
I said I can't
Go through with it.
433
00:21:00,693 --> 00:21:03,396
I just can't hurt norm.
434
00:21:03,396 --> 00:21:06,766
I feel exactly the
Same way. I can't
Hurt norm, either.
435
00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:08,468
Ha ha ha!
436
00:21:09,569 --> 00:21:11,371
Well, I guess
That's that.
437
00:21:11,371 --> 00:21:14,574
I just realized
In a strange kind of way
I still love him,
438
00:21:14,574 --> 00:21:16,543
With all his faults.
439
00:21:16,543 --> 00:21:17,877
He's never home.
He always hangs out
At some bar downtown.
440
00:21:17,877 --> 00:21:21,414
As far as
Our sex life goes,
441
00:21:21,414 --> 00:21:23,750
He's not
Exactly don juan.
442
00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:26,786
It's more like don
Of the dead.
443
00:21:26,786 --> 00:21:29,622
I think we get
The gist here.
444
00:21:32,158 --> 00:21:34,661
So, nothing went on.
445
00:21:34,661 --> 00:21:37,364
Nothing. Vera and ron
Happen to be 2 of
The sweetest people
446
00:21:37,364 --> 00:21:38,898
I ever ran across.
447
00:21:38,898 --> 00:21:42,068
They actually changed
My mind about this
Filthy business.
448
00:21:42,068 --> 00:21:43,202
Then I walk in here,
449
00:21:43,202 --> 00:21:46,839
And I'm right back
In the sewer.
450
00:21:46,839 --> 00:21:49,676
Well, you'll pardon me
If I go home now.
451
00:21:49,676 --> 00:21:52,845
Suddenly,
I feel like a shower.
452
00:21:54,146 --> 00:21:55,682
You don't...
453
00:21:55,682 --> 00:21:58,551
I'm going to miss him.
454
00:22:01,621 --> 00:22:02,722
I...
455
00:22:03,923 --> 00:22:05,057
Well...
456
00:22:06,459 --> 00:22:09,496
That's good news,
Then, right, norm?
457
00:22:09,496 --> 00:22:11,931
Yeah, I guess so.
458
00:22:11,931 --> 00:22:14,133
So I guess we don't
Have to go out
459
00:22:14,133 --> 00:22:16,736
And find somebody
To have an affair
With.
460
00:22:16,736 --> 00:22:18,004
Guess not.
461
00:22:19,506 --> 00:22:22,809
Norm, can I ask
You something?
462
00:22:22,809 --> 00:22:24,210
Yeah.
463
00:22:24,210 --> 00:22:26,145
When we
Kissed before,
464
00:22:26,145 --> 00:22:28,848
Did anything
Happen?
465
00:22:28,848 --> 00:22:31,117
Of course
Something happened.
Why would you ask that?
466
00:22:31,117 --> 00:22:33,620
I mean, you don't believe
What vera said about
Our sex life, do you?
467
00:22:33,620 --> 00:22:35,855
No, no.
Not at all.
468
00:22:39,325 --> 00:22:40,893
It's just that...
469
00:22:40,893 --> 00:22:42,161
Well, you know...
470
00:22:42,161 --> 00:22:44,697
Just because
Ron and vera
471
00:22:44,697 --> 00:22:45,998
Didn't do anything,
472
00:22:45,998 --> 00:22:49,235
Doesn't mean that
We have to...
473
00:22:49,235 --> 00:22:51,037
What I'm trying to
Say is,
474
00:22:51,037 --> 00:22:54,741
When we kissed,
Something happened
To me.
475
00:22:54,741 --> 00:22:56,743
When I heard that tape,
Phyllis,
476
00:22:56,743 --> 00:22:58,745
Something
Happened to me.
477
00:22:58,745 --> 00:23:02,782
I realized how much
Vera means to me.
478
00:23:02,782 --> 00:23:06,352
Well, why don't you run
On home to your precious
Little wife?
479
00:23:06,352 --> 00:23:08,888
I'm going
To do just that.
480
00:23:08,888 --> 00:23:12,091
Right after
A couple more beers.
481
00:23:19,566 --> 00:23:21,100
I'm sorry, norm.
482
00:23:21,100 --> 00:23:22,602
Oh, no. No.
483
00:23:22,602 --> 00:23:26,606
You know, in a
Strange kind of way,
I like vera.
484
00:23:26,606 --> 00:23:29,909
That's the only
Kind of way you can.
485
00:23:29,909 --> 00:23:31,778
Oh, stop it!
486
00:23:33,212 --> 00:23:35,915
Yeah,
I kind of like her, too.
487
00:23:39,786 --> 00:23:43,089
You know,
She's a lucky woman.
488
00:23:43,089 --> 00:23:44,491
Go on.
489
00:23:45,758 --> 00:23:48,595
You are a definite hunk.
490
00:23:52,098 --> 00:23:53,933
Bye-bye.
491
00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:02,875
Norm peterson...
492
00:24:03,976 --> 00:24:04,944
Hunk.
493
00:24:07,213 --> 00:24:08,414
Hi there.
494
00:24:08,414 --> 00:24:10,049
Get lost.
495
00:24:10,049 --> 00:24:11,250
Right.
35128
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