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Evening, everybody.
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Norm! Norm! Norm!
3
00:00:15,597 --> 00:00:16,658
Norman.
4
00:00:16,682 --> 00:00:18,649
What's new, Norm?
5
00:00:18,717 --> 00:00:20,451
Most of my wife.
6
00:00:22,521 --> 00:00:24,601
Norm, I thought you
were going up to Maine
7
00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:26,006
for the holidays with Vera.
8
00:00:26,075 --> 00:00:26,957
Yeah, I am, Coach.
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00:00:27,026 --> 00:00:28,026
So what happened?
10
00:00:28,077 --> 00:00:29,026
Nothing, nothing.
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00:00:29,095 --> 00:00:30,672
Vera drove up
last night and, uh...
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00:00:30,696 --> 00:00:32,708
I had to stick around
for an interview today
13
00:00:32,732 --> 00:00:34,242
so I'm going to
drive up tonight.
14
00:00:34,266 --> 00:00:36,277
She left me the directions here.
15
00:00:36,301 --> 00:00:38,680
Should have no
trouble finding the place.
16
00:00:38,704 --> 00:00:41,088
Getting away, eh, Norman?
17
00:00:41,157 --> 00:00:42,522
Yeah.
18
00:00:42,591 --> 00:00:45,071
Yeah, we got, uh,
just the two of us.
19
00:00:48,547 --> 00:00:54,084
Oh, there're big, big
trees up there, you know?
20
00:00:54,153 --> 00:00:56,386
Got a frozen lake, uh...
21
00:00:56,455 --> 00:00:58,171
one radio station.
22
00:00:59,592 --> 00:01:01,691
It sounds very romantic, Norman.
23
00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:05,729
Yeah, yeah, it does, doesn't it?
24
00:01:05,797 --> 00:01:09,266
Where can a guy go for
a good time around here?
25
00:01:13,239 --> 00:01:15,105
Enjoy.
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00:01:17,609 --> 00:01:18,675
Norman, Norman...
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00:01:18,744 --> 00:01:21,262
Wait, wait, pal, pal, please.
28
00:01:21,330 --> 00:01:22,529
I can't.
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00:01:22,598 --> 00:01:25,038
I can't do that to the Navy.
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00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:34,241
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
31
00:01:34,310 --> 00:01:37,344
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
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00:01:37,413 --> 00:01:40,046
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
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♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
34
00:01:43,552 --> 00:01:46,420
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
35
00:01:49,408 --> 00:01:51,241
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
36
00:01:51,310 --> 00:01:56,763
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
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00:01:56,832 --> 00:02:01,368
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
38
00:02:01,437 --> 00:02:03,904
♪ You want to be
where you can see ♪
39
00:02:03,973 --> 00:02:06,440
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
40
00:02:06,508 --> 00:02:11,711
♪ You want to be where
everybody knows your name ♪
41
00:02:11,780 --> 00:02:14,315
♪ You want to go
where people know ♪
42
00:02:14,383 --> 00:02:16,850
♪ People are all the same ♪
43
00:02:16,919 --> 00:02:20,821
♪ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
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Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT PICTURES
45
00:03:14,359 --> 00:03:16,326
Hey, if you're in
the mood for gum
46
00:03:16,395 --> 00:03:18,261
I can get you a fresh stick.
47
00:03:20,615 --> 00:03:23,483
Actually, I was
looking for bugs.
48
00:03:23,552 --> 00:03:27,104
Try the blonde girl's hair.
49
00:03:27,172 --> 00:03:30,274
Say, uh, you're
from England, huh?
50
00:03:30,343 --> 00:03:32,058
How'd you guess?
51
00:03:32,127 --> 00:03:35,862
Well, 'cause you sound smart
even when you say stupid things.
52
00:03:35,931 --> 00:03:37,064
I hope you won't think me
53
00:03:37,132 --> 00:03:40,901
presumptuous, but dark,
exotic women like you
54
00:03:40,969 --> 00:03:43,153
bring a fever to my blood.
55
00:03:43,222 --> 00:03:47,023
Wow, classy.
56
00:03:47,092 --> 00:03:49,326
My name is, uh, Carla.
57
00:03:49,395 --> 00:03:50,777
What can I get you?
58
00:03:53,382 --> 00:03:54,714
How do you do, Carla?
59
00:03:54,783 --> 00:03:55,943
Oh...
60
00:03:58,604 --> 00:04:01,605
My name's Eric Finch.
61
00:04:01,674 --> 00:04:04,291
Gin and bitters will do.
62
00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:07,260
Oh, no, you have
an interesting profile.
63
00:04:07,329 --> 00:04:09,996
Neapolitan, right?
64
00:04:10,065 --> 00:04:11,181
That's right.
65
00:04:11,250 --> 00:04:12,532
My grandfather was from Naples.
66
00:04:12,601 --> 00:04:15,318
We have an interesting
saying in my business.
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00:04:15,387 --> 00:04:17,620
Giving your heart
to a Neapolitan girl
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00:04:17,690 --> 00:04:21,291
is like forgetting to
burn your code book.
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00:04:21,359 --> 00:04:23,760
Oops, blast.
70
00:04:23,829 --> 00:04:25,796
Now I've bloody well done it.
71
00:04:25,865 --> 00:04:27,525
You're not a spy or anything...
72
00:04:27,549 --> 00:04:28,715
Shh. Quiet, please.
73
00:04:28,784 --> 00:04:30,350
Please, don't say anything more.
74
00:04:30,419 --> 00:04:32,536
You might put
my life in jeopardy.
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00:04:32,605 --> 00:04:33,537
You see that man there?
76
00:04:33,606 --> 00:04:34,538
Yeah.
77
00:04:34,607 --> 00:04:36,439
He might be the secret agent
78
00:04:36,509 --> 00:04:39,142
from some fallen
country's intelligence.
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00:04:39,211 --> 00:04:43,029
I'd hate to live there.
80
00:04:43,098 --> 00:04:44,548
Hey, all right, all right.
81
00:04:44,616 --> 00:04:46,116
Here's a little known fact.
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00:04:46,185 --> 00:04:47,200
The smartest animal
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00:04:47,269 --> 00:04:48,418
is the pig.
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00:04:48,487 --> 00:04:49,531
What?
85
00:04:49,555 --> 00:04:51,449
No, the dolphin.
They look pretty stupid.
86
00:04:51,473 --> 00:04:53,157
No, I'm telling you,
your average oinker.
87
00:04:53,225 --> 00:04:54,324
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
88
00:04:54,393 --> 00:04:56,271
Scientists say if a pig had
thumbs and a language
89
00:04:56,295 --> 00:04:58,545
he could be trained to do,
uh, simple manual labor.
90
00:04:58,614 --> 00:05:00,225
You mean they'd be
part of the workforce?
91
00:05:00,249 --> 00:05:03,750
Yeah, yeah, they'd give you
20, 30 years of loyal service
92
00:05:03,819 --> 00:05:07,387
then at they're retirement
dinner, uh, you could eat them.
93
00:05:07,456 --> 00:05:08,650
All right.
94
00:05:08,674 --> 00:05:10,807
Nah, for me the smartest
animal is the pigeon.
95
00:05:10,876 --> 00:05:11,887
What?
96
00:05:11,911 --> 00:05:13,877
1,000 cars on the Turnpike,
97
00:05:13,946 --> 00:05:15,345
they find mine.
98
00:05:15,414 --> 00:05:18,348
I'd have to, I'd have to
give my vote to the ants.
99
00:05:18,417 --> 00:05:19,683
Ant? How do you figure that?
100
00:05:19,752 --> 00:05:21,095
You ever see those
farms they build?
101
00:05:21,119 --> 00:05:22,218
Well, yeah.
102
00:05:22,287 --> 00:05:24,407
Yeah, they build those
things without plans.
103
00:05:25,273 --> 00:05:26,301
To ants.
104
00:05:26,325 --> 00:05:29,025
For all you do,
this one's for you.
105
00:05:30,328 --> 00:05:32,912
Hey, Coach, who do you
say is the smartest animal?
106
00:05:32,981 --> 00:05:36,266
I got to say Francis,
the talking mule.
107
00:05:37,986 --> 00:05:40,953
Uh, no, Coach, I don't
think you're catching on here.
108
00:05:41,022 --> 00:05:43,502
Uh, there was a real
guy talking for that mule.
109
00:05:43,542 --> 00:05:45,025
Ah, well, it wasn't
110
00:05:45,093 --> 00:05:46,260
so much that he could talk
111
00:05:46,328 --> 00:05:47,894
it was what he
said, right, Coach?
112
00:05:47,963 --> 00:05:49,040
Yeah, that's right.
113
00:05:49,064 --> 00:05:51,142
And it's a lot better
than that drivel
114
00:05:51,166 --> 00:05:52,899
that Mr. Ed was giving us.
115
00:05:52,968 --> 00:05:54,267
Good point.
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00:05:54,336 --> 00:05:55,569
Hey, uh, Sam.
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A gin and bitters.
118
00:05:57,139 --> 00:05:59,072
Hey, everybody, come here.
119
00:05:59,141 --> 00:06:00,540
Don't anybody look suddenly
120
00:06:00,609 --> 00:06:03,643
but there is a guy sitting over
there who's a secret agent.
121
00:06:03,712 --> 00:06:04,777
Oh, that's ridiculous.
122
00:06:04,846 --> 00:06:07,831
Oh, thanks for being so cool.
123
00:06:09,168 --> 00:06:10,795
You mean, like, a
spy or something?
124
00:06:10,819 --> 00:06:12,085
You mean like James Bond?
125
00:06:12,153 --> 00:06:13,298
Hey, uh, Norm, Jack.
126
00:06:13,322 --> 00:06:14,654
Come on, stakeout time.
127
00:06:14,723 --> 00:06:16,990
What makes you, uh, think that?
128
00:06:17,059 --> 00:06:18,853
Well, he kind of
opened up to me.
129
00:06:18,877 --> 00:06:21,278
I was sitting there
talking to him and, uh...
130
00:06:21,347 --> 00:06:23,880
he said he thinks I'm sexy.
131
00:06:23,949 --> 00:06:27,484
They're trained to lie.
132
00:06:27,553 --> 00:06:30,003
You know, Diane
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00:06:30,072 --> 00:06:33,524
he just got back from Ankara
and he says that I'm cuter
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00:06:33,592 --> 00:06:36,426
than any of the Bulgarian
girls he saw there.
135
00:06:36,495 --> 00:06:38,562
Well, I'm not surprised.
136
00:06:38,631 --> 00:06:40,864
Ankara is in Turkey.
137
00:06:40,932 --> 00:06:43,867
Great, I really
wanted to know that.
138
00:06:43,935 --> 00:06:47,437
Another fascinating fact
from the answer geek.
139
00:06:49,708 --> 00:06:51,308
What's the matter with her?
140
00:06:51,377 --> 00:06:52,726
Why are you always doing that?
141
00:06:52,795 --> 00:06:54,344
You're always correcting people.
142
00:06:54,413 --> 00:06:55,462
No, I'm not.
143
00:06:55,531 --> 00:06:56,847
Oh, I stand corrected.
144
00:06:56,915 --> 00:06:59,682
Oh, come on. That doesn't count.
145
00:06:59,751 --> 00:07:01,017
I'm wrong again, Coach.
146
00:07:01,086 --> 00:07:03,153
All I said was it doesn't sound
147
00:07:03,221 --> 00:07:04,933
like he knows what
he's talking about.
148
00:07:04,957 --> 00:07:06,768
Who in the world
would make the mistake
149
00:07:06,792 --> 00:07:08,652
of thinking that
Ankara is in Bulgaria?
150
00:07:08,676 --> 00:07:10,377
Well, Francis wouldn't.
151
00:07:10,446 --> 00:07:12,279
Ha.
152
00:07:12,347 --> 00:07:15,148
If you're a spy, then
how come you're sitting
153
00:07:15,216 --> 00:07:16,950
with your back to the door?
154
00:07:17,018 --> 00:07:18,284
Because...
155
00:07:18,353 --> 00:07:22,522
I can see the door reflected
in your beautiful eyes.
156
00:07:22,591 --> 00:07:25,558
That old line.
157
00:07:25,627 --> 00:07:26,876
Your eyes remind me
158
00:07:26,945 --> 00:07:29,813
of an etching that I
once bought in Norway.
159
00:07:29,882 --> 00:07:32,665
I paid 200 gilders for it.
160
00:07:32,734 --> 00:07:35,419
The currency in
Norway is the kroner.
161
00:07:35,487 --> 00:07:36,386
Oh, Diane...
162
00:07:36,455 --> 00:07:38,421
If you have a license to kill
163
00:07:38,490 --> 00:07:39,973
can I use it a second?
164
00:07:40,041 --> 00:07:41,041
She's right.
165
00:07:41,076 --> 00:07:42,120
She is?
166
00:07:42,144 --> 00:07:43,510
Of course.
167
00:07:43,579 --> 00:07:46,896
That's how we broke down
Norway's economic system.
168
00:07:46,965 --> 00:07:50,767
By infiltrating the government
with foreign currency.
169
00:07:50,836 --> 00:07:52,218
Is that right?
170
00:07:52,287 --> 00:07:53,570
Oh, Diane...
171
00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:56,940
And that way we undermined
the people's confidence
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00:07:57,009 --> 00:07:58,875
in their totalitarian regime.
173
00:07:58,944 --> 00:08:00,243
Ha-ha.
174
00:08:00,312 --> 00:08:03,763
Norway doesn't have a
totalitarian regime. Ha-ha.
175
00:08:05,017 --> 00:08:06,749
Hey, get over here!
176
00:08:08,637 --> 00:08:09,647
Pardonnez moi.
177
00:08:09,671 --> 00:08:12,088
Believe my employer
craves a word.
178
00:08:19,064 --> 00:08:20,563
You bellowed?
179
00:08:20,632 --> 00:08:21,910
Yeah, yeah, I did.
180
00:08:21,934 --> 00:08:24,195
Uh, what are you trying to do?
181
00:08:24,219 --> 00:08:27,336
I don't believe that guy's
a spy for one minute.
182
00:08:27,405 --> 00:08:28,504
I think he's lying.
183
00:08:28,573 --> 00:08:29,672
What?
184
00:08:29,741 --> 00:08:31,719
A customer in a
bar is telling tall tales
185
00:08:31,743 --> 00:08:33,621
just to impress a
cocktail waitress?
186
00:08:33,645 --> 00:08:35,878
Call 60 Minutes.
187
00:08:37,182 --> 00:08:38,214
All right.
188
00:08:38,283 --> 00:08:41,117
When you put it that way...
189
00:08:41,186 --> 00:08:42,485
The thing is...
190
00:08:42,554 --> 00:08:43,853
Look, look, listen.
191
00:08:43,922 --> 00:08:46,402
Why do you suppose people
come to bars in the first place, huh?
192
00:08:46,458 --> 00:08:47,857
Oh, let me take a wild
193
00:08:47,926 --> 00:08:48,858
stab at the one.
194
00:08:48,927 --> 00:08:50,204
Perchance to drink?
195
00:08:50,228 --> 00:08:51,928
Wrong, wrong, they
could do that at home.
196
00:08:51,997 --> 00:08:53,663
They come here to
shoot off their mouths
197
00:08:53,731 --> 00:08:54,948
and, uh, to get away with it.
198
00:08:55,017 --> 00:08:58,084
Listen, in this bar
everybody gets to be a hero.
199
00:08:58,153 --> 00:08:59,452
Now what's the harm?
200
00:08:59,521 --> 00:09:01,988
Sam...
201
00:09:02,057 --> 00:09:05,592
any kind of lie is
eventually destructive.
202
00:09:05,661 --> 00:09:11,164
I was raised and educated
to prize truth above all else.
203
00:09:11,233 --> 00:09:16,736
This from a woman wearing
rubber eyelashes and a padded bra.
204
00:09:18,457 --> 00:09:19,856
That's a lie.
205
00:09:19,925 --> 00:09:21,591
I'm going to need some proof.
206
00:09:22,761 --> 00:09:24,494
Look, look, all I'm saying
207
00:09:24,562 --> 00:09:27,041
is if this guy, uh,
wants to be a spy
208
00:09:27,065 --> 00:09:29,365
humor him, indulge
him a little bit.
209
00:09:29,434 --> 00:09:30,366
Sam...
210
00:09:30,435 --> 00:09:32,546
Oh, come on.
What's the big deal?
211
00:09:32,570 --> 00:09:33,820
Okay, okay, he's a spy.
212
00:09:33,889 --> 00:09:35,188
There you go.
213
00:09:41,930 --> 00:09:45,598
Uh, excuse me.
214
00:09:45,667 --> 00:09:48,835
Uh, Carla here,
uh, she inadvertently
215
00:09:48,904 --> 00:09:50,881
blew your cover before, uh...
216
00:09:50,905 --> 00:09:52,806
Oh, boy...
217
00:09:52,874 --> 00:09:57,243
So, uh, I understand
you're in the spy game, huh?
218
00:09:59,865 --> 00:10:01,075
Yes, yes.
219
00:10:01,099 --> 00:10:02,515
What's it like to be a spy?
220
00:10:02,584 --> 00:10:04,295
We swear, not a word you say
221
00:10:04,319 --> 00:10:06,631
will ever go beyond
this room, right?
222
00:10:06,655 --> 00:10:09,005
We never go beyond this room.
223
00:10:11,543 --> 00:10:15,144
Can I... really trust you chaps?
224
00:10:15,213 --> 00:10:16,162
Oh, yeah, sure.
225
00:10:16,231 --> 00:10:17,864
Trust us. Everybody swear.
226
00:10:17,932 --> 00:10:18,864
Yeah, we swear.
227
00:10:18,933 --> 00:10:20,867
Cross my heart.
228
00:10:20,936 --> 00:10:23,420
What you've got to understand
229
00:10:23,488 --> 00:10:26,939
is that we're not all like what
we're portrayed in the cinema.
230
00:10:27,008 --> 00:10:28,925
No, we don't think of ourselves
231
00:10:28,993 --> 00:10:31,661
as heroes; we're just
out there doing a job,
232
00:10:31,730 --> 00:10:35,081
putting out lives on
the line for democracy.
233
00:10:37,418 --> 00:10:39,920
Tell us about your most
hair-raising mission, huh?
234
00:10:39,988 --> 00:10:43,723
You ever get betrayed in
the sack by a Russian babe?
235
00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:47,520
Let me tell you something
about Russian women.
236
00:10:47,562 --> 00:10:51,464
The cold weather makes
them very passionate.
237
00:10:51,533 --> 00:10:54,684
Lake Wannamukkitt, here I come.
238
00:10:56,939 --> 00:11:01,140
You asked me about my
most exciting adventure.
239
00:11:01,209 --> 00:11:06,246
I think of Romania, 1973.
240
00:11:06,315 --> 00:11:07,880
Yes.
241
00:11:07,949 --> 00:11:11,651
I was captured by
the dreaded RPB.
242
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:14,754
Ooh, the RiPBla.
243
00:11:16,408 --> 00:11:19,776
They're every bit as
fiendish as you've heard.
244
00:11:19,845 --> 00:11:23,847
They even used the infamous
Twister on me, the devils.
245
00:11:23,916 --> 00:11:25,026
Wait, what's the Twister?
246
00:11:25,050 --> 00:11:28,652
It's a ride at Coney Island.
247
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:30,052
Those animals.
248
00:11:31,356 --> 00:11:34,007
Hey, Diane, why don't
you just shut up, huh?
249
00:11:34,076 --> 00:11:36,910
Carla, he's been lying to you.
250
00:11:36,979 --> 00:11:38,222
No, he hasn't.
251
00:11:38,246 --> 00:11:40,492
I mean, you are
not a history expert.
252
00:11:40,516 --> 00:11:43,316
You majored in poetry.
253
00:11:43,385 --> 00:11:45,825
Tell her you haven't
been lying, Eric.
254
00:11:49,174 --> 00:11:51,674
Hey, tell her you
haven't been lying, Eric.
255
00:11:57,249 --> 00:12:00,967
She's absolutely right.
256
00:12:04,706 --> 00:12:08,558
You mean you've been
lying the whole time?
257
00:12:10,895 --> 00:12:13,163
The whole time.
258
00:12:13,231 --> 00:12:14,864
Let me get this straight here.
259
00:12:14,932 --> 00:12:18,168
Cold weather does not
make women passionate?
260
00:12:18,236 --> 00:12:22,505
I'll see Vera in the
spring. What the hell?
261
00:12:22,574 --> 00:12:25,708
Why did you lie to us?
262
00:12:28,580 --> 00:12:29,757
Because...
263
00:12:29,781 --> 00:12:33,182
my life is...
264
00:12:33,251 --> 00:12:38,688
very unexciting
and it's... very dull.
265
00:12:38,757 --> 00:12:39,956
I've been a failure
266
00:12:40,025 --> 00:12:42,358
at everything I've
ever tried to do.
267
00:12:42,427 --> 00:12:46,963
But, you know,
sometimes, late at night
268
00:12:47,032 --> 00:12:49,148
in a friendly bar
269
00:12:49,217 --> 00:12:50,650
I sometimes
270
00:12:50,718 --> 00:12:55,254
can make someone
believe that I'm interesting.
271
00:12:57,242 --> 00:12:59,558
But you're much
too smart for me.
272
00:12:59,627 --> 00:13:03,997
You don't need any... illusions.
273
00:13:06,434 --> 00:13:08,434
Good night, Miss.
274
00:13:17,062 --> 00:13:19,062
Before you say anything
275
00:13:19,130 --> 00:13:20,830
I would just like you to know
276
00:13:20,899 --> 00:13:24,601
that I could not feel any worse
than I do at this very moment.
277
00:13:24,669 --> 00:13:27,303
So sorry.
278
00:13:27,372 --> 00:13:29,572
I, um, forgot the tip.
279
00:13:30,892 --> 00:13:32,725
Merry Christmas.
280
00:13:36,264 --> 00:13:38,865
Wrong again.
281
00:13:49,777 --> 00:13:51,044
I failed.
282
00:13:51,112 --> 00:13:52,212
I blew it.
283
00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:53,379
I quit.
284
00:13:53,448 --> 00:13:54,826
I don't belong in
a place like this
285
00:13:54,850 --> 00:13:56,527
and there's no point
in arguing about it.
286
00:13:56,551 --> 00:13:57,551
Who's arguing?
287
00:13:58,286 --> 00:14:00,052
I am opinionated.
288
00:14:00,121 --> 00:14:01,587
I am stubborn.
289
00:14:01,656 --> 00:14:03,089
I am smug.
290
00:14:03,158 --> 00:14:04,669
Pigheaded. A little louder.
291
00:14:04,693 --> 00:14:06,826
They can't hear
you in the backroom.
292
00:14:06,895 --> 00:14:08,411
I wouldn't have believed it
293
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:11,147
but I'm a total washout
as a cocktail waitress.
294
00:14:11,215 --> 00:14:12,481
I don't belong here.
295
00:14:12,550 --> 00:14:13,682
Stay in touch, kid.
296
00:14:13,752 --> 00:14:14,895
Carla.
297
00:14:14,919 --> 00:14:17,019
Diane. Diane, please.
298
00:14:17,088 --> 00:14:18,237
Listen.
299
00:14:18,306 --> 00:14:20,651
I don't know exactly
what's going on here,
300
00:14:20,675 --> 00:14:23,359
but it looks like you
booted a grounder, right?
301
00:14:24,662 --> 00:14:25,956
Right. All right.
302
00:14:25,980 --> 00:14:28,125
You know what I used to
say to one of my ballplayers
303
00:14:28,149 --> 00:14:29,360
when he made a mental error?
304
00:14:29,384 --> 00:14:30,667
What?
305
00:14:30,735 --> 00:14:33,352
Nothing. That's why I got fired.
306
00:14:35,273 --> 00:14:36,205
Hey, come back.
307
00:14:36,274 --> 00:14:37,206
Wait. Come back here.
308
00:14:37,275 --> 00:14:38,207
Come back here.
309
00:14:38,276 --> 00:14:39,608
Look,
310
00:14:39,677 --> 00:14:41,338
you made a mistake, that's all.
311
00:14:41,362 --> 00:14:42,439
Now make up for it.
312
00:14:42,463 --> 00:14:43,641
Go find the poor guy,
313
00:14:43,665 --> 00:14:45,543
bring him back
here and apologize.
314
00:14:45,567 --> 00:14:46,782
Well, that's a wonderful idea
315
00:14:46,851 --> 00:14:49,063
but I wouldn't know where
to begin to look for him.
316
00:14:49,087 --> 00:14:51,053
Well, uh, I think
your British embassy
317
00:14:51,122 --> 00:14:52,655
could probably help you there.
318
00:14:52,724 --> 00:14:54,173
Yeah, I've got a pretty good ear
319
00:14:54,242 --> 00:14:55,724
for dialects
320
00:14:55,794 --> 00:14:59,094
and my instincts
tell me... Limey.
321
00:15:02,684 --> 00:15:05,517
His name is Eric Finch.
322
00:15:06,554 --> 00:15:09,154
All right, I'll do it.
323
00:15:11,192 --> 00:15:14,327
I am going to comb this city.
324
00:15:14,395 --> 00:15:16,028
I'll look everywhere.
325
00:15:16,097 --> 00:15:17,980
Every hotel, every
restaurant, every cheap dive.
326
00:15:18,049 --> 00:15:20,166
I'm going to find
this man or die trying.
327
00:15:20,234 --> 00:15:21,400
Excuse me.
328
00:15:23,237 --> 00:15:24,515
Look who's back.
329
00:15:24,539 --> 00:15:26,205
I, um...
330
00:15:26,274 --> 00:15:28,424
I just came back to
try and explain to you
331
00:15:28,492 --> 00:15:29,559
why I did what I did.
332
00:15:29,627 --> 00:15:31,861
No...
333
00:15:33,314 --> 00:15:34,692
Mr. Finch, come on, will ya?
334
00:15:34,716 --> 00:15:37,236
Everybody in the bar
exaggerates a little.
335
00:15:37,301 --> 00:15:40,036
Sure. For example, I'm
not really this good-looking.
336
00:15:40,104 --> 00:15:42,738
I'm not. I'm not.
337
00:15:42,807 --> 00:15:44,606
Come on, everybody
in bars tells stories.
338
00:15:44,675 --> 00:15:47,293
You just, uh, got a little
carried away there, that's all.
339
00:15:47,361 --> 00:15:48,641
That's right.
340
00:15:48,696 --> 00:15:52,231
I'm afraid that I'm
the victim of a...
341
00:15:52,300 --> 00:15:54,500
of... overactive imagination.
342
00:15:54,569 --> 00:15:59,405
You see, when you spend
12 hours a day in a room alone,
343
00:15:59,474 --> 00:16:02,074
writing... writing, writing,
344
00:16:02,143 --> 00:16:03,976
you... sometimes
you just lose touch
345
00:16:04,044 --> 00:16:04,978
with reality.
346
00:16:05,046 --> 00:16:05,979
So, I'm awfully sorry
347
00:16:06,047 --> 00:16:09,115
and I beg your
pardon and good night.
348
00:16:09,183 --> 00:16:10,327
No, no.
349
00:16:10,351 --> 00:16:12,418
You write?
350
00:16:12,487 --> 00:16:14,120
Yes.
351
00:16:14,189 --> 00:16:15,204
Mostly verse.
352
00:16:15,273 --> 00:16:16,205
Farewell.
353
00:16:16,274 --> 00:16:17,206
Oh, wait.
354
00:16:17,275 --> 00:16:19,342
You write poetry?
355
00:16:19,411 --> 00:16:21,828
I'd love to hear some.
356
00:16:21,896 --> 00:16:23,596
We all would. Huh?
357
00:16:23,665 --> 00:16:26,916
Yes! Yeah, yeah!
358
00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:31,699
You know, it's, uh...
359
00:16:31,723 --> 00:16:34,501
it's not often we have a guy
in here who can write poetry.
360
00:16:34,525 --> 00:16:35,719
We got a guy in the
men's room, Sam,
361
00:16:35,743 --> 00:16:38,076
that writes some terrific stuff.
362
00:16:41,165 --> 00:16:42,443
Gin and bitters, right?
363
00:16:42,467 --> 00:16:43,932
Yes, thank you very much.
364
00:16:44,001 --> 00:16:44,933
Are you published?
365
00:16:45,002 --> 00:16:45,934
Oh, no, no.
366
00:16:46,003 --> 00:16:48,103
I-I, uh, I don't even
send my stuff in.
367
00:16:48,172 --> 00:16:49,522
I'm not really very good.
368
00:16:49,590 --> 00:16:51,190
Oh, don't be silly.
369
00:16:51,259 --> 00:16:52,536
Let me be the judge of that.
370
00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:53,926
I majored in poetry.
371
00:16:53,995 --> 00:16:55,994
I thought you
majored in philosophy.
372
00:16:56,063 --> 00:16:57,714
No, it was psychology,
373
00:16:57,782 --> 00:17:00,349
but that was, uh,
before literature
374
00:17:00,418 --> 00:17:01,901
and-and after French.
375
00:17:01,970 --> 00:17:04,670
No, no, no, that
was after art history.
376
00:17:04,739 --> 00:17:06,355
And before anthropology.
377
00:17:06,424 --> 00:17:08,135
No, no, no, we're forgetting
Indian studies here.
378
00:17:08,159 --> 00:17:10,719
Aah!
379
00:17:11,379 --> 00:17:14,897
And... and, uh,
Manchurian folk dancing.
380
00:17:14,966 --> 00:17:15,966
All right.
381
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:17,000
Let's adjourn.
382
00:17:18,436 --> 00:17:22,988
At any rate, I would love
to see some of your work.
383
00:17:23,057 --> 00:17:25,101
Well, I just don't have
anything with me at the moment
384
00:17:25,125 --> 00:17:28,928
except it's... all
in here and here.
385
00:17:28,997 --> 00:17:30,029
I must hear one.
386
00:17:30,098 --> 00:17:31,030
Really?
387
00:17:31,099 --> 00:17:32,364
Yes!
388
00:17:32,433 --> 00:17:34,061
All right, well,
I'll try something.
389
00:17:34,085 --> 00:17:37,419
Uh, let's see, how did that go?
390
00:17:37,489 --> 00:17:40,990
She I love, Alas in vain
391
00:17:41,058 --> 00:17:43,392
Floats before my slumbering eyes
392
00:17:43,461 --> 00:17:47,747
And when she comes,
She lulls my pain
393
00:17:47,815 --> 00:17:50,049
And when she goes
394
00:17:50,118 --> 00:17:52,268
What pangs arise.
395
00:17:55,373 --> 00:17:56,305
My God, that's lovely.
396
00:17:56,374 --> 00:17:57,734
Hey, I kind of liked it.
397
00:17:57,758 --> 00:18:00,843
What do you think
there, Sir Norm?
398
00:18:00,912 --> 00:18:03,941
Well, I think it'll look
great up on the tiles.
399
00:18:03,965 --> 00:18:07,316
Mr. Finch, I am awestruck.
400
00:18:07,385 --> 00:18:08,885
Me, too. Great.
401
00:18:08,953 --> 00:18:10,052
Please, tell us more.
402
00:18:10,121 --> 00:18:11,932
Uh,
403
00:18:11,956 --> 00:18:13,533
well, maybe not so
soon after the first one.
404
00:18:13,557 --> 00:18:14,597
Give us a little, uh,
405
00:18:14,625 --> 00:18:16,020
chance to rub down
the goose bumps.
406
00:18:18,697 --> 00:18:22,298
This is a night I
will never forget.
407
00:18:22,367 --> 00:18:25,083
It so happens
408
00:18:25,152 --> 00:18:26,864
that I am on speaking terms
409
00:18:26,888 --> 00:18:28,965
with one of the poetry
editors at the Atlantic Monthly.
410
00:18:28,989 --> 00:18:30,006
Really?
411
00:18:30,075 --> 00:18:31,941
Yes. He spoke at
my college once.
412
00:18:32,010 --> 00:18:35,044
I'm going to call him
and tell him about you.
413
00:18:35,112 --> 00:18:36,924
Wait, uh, wait, wait, wait.
414
00:18:36,948 --> 00:18:40,265
Hey, uh, aren't you getting
a little carried away here?
415
00:18:40,334 --> 00:18:41,462
May I have the phone?
416
00:18:41,486 --> 00:18:43,519
Yes. And loving it.
417
00:18:43,588 --> 00:18:45,304
Humoring the guy is one thing.
418
00:18:45,372 --> 00:18:48,507
I mean, he can have all the
fantasies he wants in my bar.
419
00:18:48,576 --> 00:18:50,420
But, uh, don't you think
you're going a little too far
420
00:18:50,444 --> 00:18:51,524
to make him feel good?
421
00:18:51,579 --> 00:18:54,847
Sam, the poem that
he wrote is excellent.
422
00:18:54,916 --> 00:18:56,894
Scratch a liar, find a poet.
423
00:18:56,918 --> 00:18:57,850
No, no, no,
424
00:18:57,918 --> 00:18:58,517
so he memorized one.
425
00:18:58,586 --> 00:18:59,335
What's that prove?
426
00:18:59,403 --> 00:19:01,086
Sam, we are now
427
00:19:01,155 --> 00:19:03,856
in my area of expertise.
428
00:19:03,925 --> 00:19:07,893
When we want to talk
about poetry, we come to me.
429
00:19:07,962 --> 00:19:11,497
When we want to talk about
jock itch, we come to you.
430
00:19:11,565 --> 00:19:13,198
Don't even say that.
431
00:19:14,468 --> 00:19:16,046
Uh, yes, may I
speak to him, please?
432
00:19:16,070 --> 00:19:17,148
This is Diane Chambers.
433
00:19:17,172 --> 00:19:21,090
Uh, he's chatting
with John Updike?
434
00:19:21,158 --> 00:19:22,808
Well, interrupt.
435
00:19:22,877 --> 00:19:24,371
No, I'm not kidding.
436
00:19:24,395 --> 00:19:26,695
I have something that is
going to make John Updike
437
00:19:26,764 --> 00:19:29,665
seem like pretty
small pommes de terre.
438
00:19:29,734 --> 00:19:31,500
Diane, I wouldn't
do this if I were you.
439
00:19:31,569 --> 00:19:32,501
Uh, yes, I'll wait.
440
00:19:32,570 --> 00:19:35,404
Would you leave
me alone, please?
441
00:19:35,473 --> 00:19:36,533
Mr. Finch,
442
00:19:36,557 --> 00:19:38,735
he really should hear
this directly from you.
443
00:19:38,759 --> 00:19:40,827
Will you come over, please?
444
00:19:42,730 --> 00:19:45,397
What is your best work?
445
00:19:45,466 --> 00:19:48,200
Well, there's a little something
that I dashed off this morning
446
00:19:48,269 --> 00:19:49,413
I'm sort of proud of. Wonderful.
447
00:19:49,437 --> 00:19:53,005
Uh, yes, hello, my
name is Diane Cham...
448
00:19:53,073 --> 00:19:54,607
Yes, I know you're very busy,
449
00:19:54,675 --> 00:19:56,809
but I have a wonderful
surprise for you.
450
00:19:56,878 --> 00:19:59,144
Please, will you just
listen for a moment?
451
00:19:59,213 --> 00:20:00,608
Uh-oh, verse alert, Cliffy.
452
00:20:00,632 --> 00:20:01,872
Strap yourself in, pal.
453
00:20:01,899 --> 00:20:03,232
Uh-oh. Dive! Dive!
454
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:10,517
Excuse me.
455
00:20:10,541 --> 00:20:13,041
We are about to make
literary history here.
456
00:20:15,747 --> 00:20:17,380
Hello?
457
00:20:20,318 --> 00:20:23,552
My heart is like a singing bird
458
00:20:23,621 --> 00:20:26,389
Whose nest is in
the watered shoot...
459
00:20:26,457 --> 00:20:28,697
Now that's a poet.
460
00:20:29,944 --> 00:20:31,894
My heart is like an apple tree
461
00:20:31,963 --> 00:20:35,464
Whose bough is
bent with thick-set fruit
462
00:20:35,533 --> 00:20:39,718
My heart is like a rainbow shell
463
00:20:39,787 --> 00:20:40,736
That paddles on a halcyon sea...
464
00:20:40,805 --> 00:20:42,582
My heart is gladder
465
00:20:42,606 --> 00:20:44,306
than all these things
466
00:20:44,375 --> 00:20:46,909
Because my love has come to me.
467
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:51,091
The nuns taught
us that in school.
468
00:20:51,115 --> 00:20:52,048
I get tears
469
00:20:52,116 --> 00:20:53,698
just remembering.
470
00:20:53,767 --> 00:20:54,817
No fooling? Tears?
471
00:20:54,885 --> 00:20:57,903
Yeah, they used to
whack us with their beads.
472
00:21:01,309 --> 00:21:03,275
Ah, yes, Rosetti, you're right.
473
00:21:04,345 --> 00:21:06,279
Thank you for settling that bet.
474
00:21:06,347 --> 00:21:07,613
Wonderful.
475
00:21:07,681 --> 00:21:09,793
Now, to whom could I speak
about a subscription? I...
476
00:21:11,351 --> 00:21:14,119
I don't believe this guy.
477
00:21:14,188 --> 00:21:16,383
I mean, you cannot
believe a word
478
00:21:16,407 --> 00:21:18,285
that comes out of his mouth.
479
00:21:18,309 --> 00:21:19,986
You know, if you could fix TVs
480
00:21:20,010 --> 00:21:22,022
and crack walnuts
on your forehead,
481
00:21:22,046 --> 00:21:24,366
you could be my ex-husband.
482
00:21:25,917 --> 00:21:27,115
Mr. Finch, or whatever,
483
00:21:27,184 --> 00:21:29,351
uh, I don't know what
your real story is...
484
00:21:29,420 --> 00:21:32,688
And believe me, the last thing
I want is for you to tell me...
485
00:21:32,757 --> 00:21:36,892
Uh, but I want to thank you
for entertaining us here tonight.
486
00:21:36,961 --> 00:21:38,961
I'm really glad you came.
487
00:21:39,030 --> 00:21:40,629
Well, thank you very much, Sam.
488
00:21:40,698 --> 00:21:42,932
My real name is
Thomas Hilliard III.
489
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:45,200
Well, whatever.
490
00:21:45,269 --> 00:21:48,771
You know, you have a
very charming saloon here.
491
00:21:48,839 --> 00:21:49,788
Well, thank you.
492
00:21:49,857 --> 00:21:50,773
I'm glad you like it.
493
00:21:50,842 --> 00:21:53,759
And to show you
how much I like it
494
00:21:53,828 --> 00:21:55,210
I'd like to buy it.
495
00:21:58,700 --> 00:22:00,765
How much is it
worth to you, Sam?
496
00:22:00,834 --> 00:22:02,167
This guy's not going to give up.
497
00:22:02,236 --> 00:22:02,969
Wait, wait, wait.
498
00:22:03,037 --> 00:22:04,587
Um, let me guess, let me guess.
499
00:22:04,655 --> 00:22:06,722
You are, uh, an
eccentric millionaire
500
00:22:06,791 --> 00:22:09,859
who hangs around bars and,
uh, tells stories about himself
501
00:22:09,927 --> 00:22:11,922
just so he can have fun
with the people, right?
502
00:22:11,946 --> 00:22:14,091
Kind of like Howard Hughes,
503
00:22:14,115 --> 00:22:15,192
eh, Mr. Hilliard?
504
00:22:15,216 --> 00:22:17,166
Please don't mention that name.
505
00:22:17,235 --> 00:22:18,684
He died owing me money.
506
00:22:22,456 --> 00:22:24,924
You... oh...
507
00:22:24,992 --> 00:22:26,741
Well, Sam, how much?
508
00:22:26,810 --> 00:22:28,572
Uh, well, gee, this
is kind of sudden.
509
00:22:28,596 --> 00:22:29,528
Um, let's see.
510
00:22:29,597 --> 00:22:31,731
I guess, what, uh, 20, 30 people
511
00:22:31,799 --> 00:22:33,377
come through the
doors every night.
512
00:22:33,401 --> 00:22:36,034
$1 million seems fair to me.
513
00:22:36,103 --> 00:22:37,335
You've got it.
514
00:22:37,404 --> 00:22:38,587
Oh, hey, hey, Sammy,
515
00:22:38,656 --> 00:22:40,116
uh, I think you're
forgetting the jukebox.
516
00:22:40,140 --> 00:22:41,207
He's right, I'm sorry.
517
00:22:41,275 --> 00:22:42,275
Two million.
518
00:22:44,045 --> 00:22:45,222
I think you're
519
00:22:45,246 --> 00:22:47,579
taking advantage of me, Sam.
520
00:22:49,433 --> 00:22:51,800
Hey, look at me, everybody.
521
00:22:51,869 --> 00:22:54,887
Scratch a bartender,
find a millionaire.
522
00:22:54,955 --> 00:22:56,266
This is not funny anymore.
523
00:22:56,290 --> 00:22:57,889
Oh, stop it.
524
00:22:57,958 --> 00:22:59,403
I was right about
him from the start.
525
00:22:59,427 --> 00:23:00,437
He's a sick, sick man
526
00:23:00,461 --> 00:23:01,838
with a very warped
sense of humor.
527
00:23:01,862 --> 00:23:03,073
He doesn't care who he hurts.
528
00:23:03,097 --> 00:23:04,108
I won't take it anymore.
529
00:23:04,132 --> 00:23:05,175
He's a pathological liar!
530
00:23:05,199 --> 00:23:06,799
Oh, Diane, that's silly.
531
00:23:09,169 --> 00:23:10,869
Excuse me, Mr. Hilliard.
532
00:23:10,938 --> 00:23:14,940
Oh, my... God.
533
00:23:15,008 --> 00:23:17,909
I just wanted to let you
know I'm here with the car.
534
00:23:17,978 --> 00:23:18,910
Thank you, Robert.
535
00:23:18,979 --> 00:23:20,259
I'm ready to go.
536
00:23:22,616 --> 00:23:25,701
I'm sorry we couldn't
do business, Sam.
537
00:23:25,769 --> 00:23:29,289
Million and a half and I'll
throw in a blond waitress.
538
00:23:30,758 --> 00:23:32,002
Those papers you've
been waiting for
539
00:23:32,026 --> 00:23:33,136
have arrived from Geneva, sir.
540
00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:35,627
Good. I'll sign
them on the plane.
541
00:23:40,701 --> 00:23:42,379
Hey, get that piece over there.
542
00:23:42,403 --> 00:23:44,114
I got it, I got it, I got it.
543
00:23:44,138 --> 00:23:45,453
Oh, Sam.
544
00:23:46,657 --> 00:23:48,535
Will you ever be
able to forgive me?
545
00:23:48,559 --> 00:23:50,142
Oh, come on, I'd
never sell this place.
546
00:23:50,211 --> 00:23:51,977
Hey, I got the date.
547
00:23:52,045 --> 00:23:53,290
Okay, wait a minute...
the decimal point.
548
00:23:53,314 --> 00:23:56,081
I've never felt so abused.
549
00:23:56,150 --> 00:23:58,044
I was wrong every
step of the way.
550
00:23:58,068 --> 00:23:59,229
I thought he was lying
551
00:23:59,253 --> 00:24:00,497
when he was telling the truth.
552
00:24:00,521 --> 00:24:02,082
I thought he was telling
the truth when he was lying.
553
00:24:02,106 --> 00:24:04,005
From now on,
554
00:24:04,074 --> 00:24:07,170
I will not believe anything
anybody says on any subject.
555
00:24:07,194 --> 00:24:08,438
Aw, come on. You
don't mean that.
556
00:24:08,462 --> 00:24:09,394
You serious?
557
00:24:09,463 --> 00:24:10,679
You bet I am.
558
00:24:10,748 --> 00:24:13,598
You know, I think I'm
falling in love with you.
559
00:24:13,667 --> 00:24:16,668
Really?
560
00:24:31,069 --> 00:24:34,353
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