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1
00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:20,074
[MAN YELLING ORDERS]
2
00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:31,070
[CHATTERING]
3
00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:48,270
Come on, boys!
4
00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:52,713
The way you're lollygagging around here
with them picks and them shovels...
5
00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:55,838
...you'd think it was 120 degrees.
6
00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:59,278
It can't be more than 114.
7
00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:00,919
[LAUGHING]
8
00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:06,116
Dock that Chink a day's pay
for napping on the job.
9
00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:07,759
MAN:
Yes, sir.
10
00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:11,632
LYLE: Now, come on, boys,
where's your spirit?
11
00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:13,677
I don't hear no singing.
12
00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:17,794
When you were slaves,
you sang like birds.
13
00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:20,793
Go on. How about a good
old nigger work song?
14
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:22,598
ALL:
Nigger work song?
15
00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:24,837
[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
16
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:35,876
[SINGING COLE PORTER'S
"I GET A KICK OUT OF YOU"]
17
00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:06,870
Hold it. What the hell is that shit?
18
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:09,951
I meant a song.
19
00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:12,191
A real song.
20
00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:13,873
Something like:
21
00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:17,120
[SINGING "SWING LOW,
SWEET CHARIOT"]
22
00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:23,997
-"Swing low"?
-"Chariot"?
23
00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:25,952
Don't know that one, huh?
24
00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:30,194
Well, how about "De Camptown Ladies"?
25
00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:33,509
"De Camptown Ladies"?
26
00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:36,718
ALL:
"De Camptown Ladies."
27
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:38,877
Oh, you know.
28
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:41,956
[SINGING "DE CAMPTOWN LADIES"]
29
00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,034
[CHUCKLING]
30
00:05:03,280 --> 00:05:04,600
[GUNSHOTS]
31
00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:09,994
What in the wide, Wide World of Sports
is going on here?
32
00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:13,079
I hired you people to try to get
a little track laid...
33
00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:16,710
...not to jump around like a bunch
of Kansas City faggots!
34
00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:19,833
Sorry, Mr. Taggart.
I guess we kind of got caught up.
35
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:23,755
Dummy, the surveyors say they may
have run into some quicksand up ahead.
36
00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:25,069
Better check it out.
37
00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:28,232
Okay, I'll send a team of horses
to check out the ground.
38
00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:29,913
Horses?!
39
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:33,391
Why, we can't afford to lose
no horses, you dummy!
40
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:37,673
- Send over a couple of niggers.
- Okay, Mr. Taggart.
41
00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:41,436
You and you.
42
00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:42,829
Sir?
43
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:47,278
Sir, he specifically requested
two niggers.
44
00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:52,117
Well, to tell a family secret,
my grandmother was Dutch.
45
00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:55,432
Get on that handcar and take
it down to the end of that line!
46
00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:58,513
- Just trying to help you out.
- Get!
47
00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:01,472
I didn't know your
grandma was Dutch!
48
00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:03,074
[LAUGHING]
49
00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:07,796
[SINGING "DE CAMPTOWN LADIES"]
50
00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:26,959
[QUICKSAND BUBBLING]
51
00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:29,073
- Ban?
- What?
52
00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:31,237
Am I wrong...
53
00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:34,870
...or is the world rising?
54
00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:39,074
I don't know,
but whatever it is, I hate it.
55
00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:41,514
- Hey, Charlie.
- Mm-hm.
56
00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:43,830
BART: Let me ask you something.
- Hmm?
57
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,879
BART:
What is it that's not exactly water...
58
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:49,475
CHARLIE: Mm-hm.
-...and it ain't exactly earth?
59
00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:52,480
Quicksand!
60
00:06:56,320 --> 00:07:00,154
Oh, shit! Quicksand!
61
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,277
Hot dang, now we are in trouble!
62
00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:05,313
They in trouble.
63
00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:08,359
Lyle, get your rope there.
Get over there quick.
64
00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:10,557
LYLE:
Right, Mr. Taggart.
65
00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:21,030
TAGGART:
That's it. It's coming.
66
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:24,111
Dang, that was lucky.
67
00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:27,989
Doggone near lost
a $400 handcar.
68
00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:36,589
Yeah, we can take it right off to the--
69
00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:39,559
Just a little to the left
of that hill over yonder.
70
00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:43,395
But we're gonna die, Bart.
They're gonna leave us here to die.
71
00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:45,551
Take it easy, Charlie.
72
00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:47,199
My foot's on the rail.
73
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:48,834
Oh.
74
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:56,396
Then maybe down that canyon,
I think it's pretty level there.
75
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:59,678
We can't swing back to the right
because of that hill there.
76
00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:02,878
That looks like the way
we'll have to go from here.
77
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:07,153
Yeah, we'll put her right down
through over that ridge.
78
00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:09,389
Come on!
79
00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:13,557
TAGGART:
Well, boys, the break's over.
80
00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:16,400
Don't just lay there getting a suntan.
81
00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:19,393
Ain't gonna do you
no good nohow!
82
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:22,399
Here. Take that shovel
and put her to some good use.
83
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:23,749
[CHUCKLES]
84
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,911
Come on, now.
85
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,159
CHARLIE: Bart?
- What?
86
00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:34,920
Don't do that, now.
87
00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:37,230
- Uh-uh, baby.
- Come on, don't do that.
88
00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:38,595
I have to.
89
00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:40,910
Send a wire to the main office...
90
00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:43,589
...and tell them I said--
Ow!
91
00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:45,751
Send wire, main office...
92
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:49,590
...tell them I said, "Ow." Got you.
93
00:08:55,440 --> 00:08:58,637
And right here, Mr. Lamarr,
is where we run into quicksand.
94
00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:02,156
Quicksand. Quicksand.
Splendid.
95
00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:05,631
And so the railroad has gotta go
through Rock Ridge.
96
00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:08,394
Rock Ridge. Rock Ridge.
Splendid.
97
00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:10,119
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
98
00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:12,470
Rock Ridge. Rock Ridge.
99
00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:15,029
- Be still, Taggart. Be still.
- Yes, sir.
100
00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:19,757
My mind is aglow with whirling,
transient nodes of thought...
101
00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:23,197
...careening through
a cosmic vapor of invention.
102
00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:24,794
Ditto!
103
00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:28,233
"Ditto"?
104
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:31,313
"Ditto," you provincial putz!
105
00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:35,235
- I'm sorry, sir.
- A plan. A plan. We need a plan.
106
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:36,913
[LOUD CLATTERING]
107
00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:38,798
What in the hell was that?
108
00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:45,239
BORIS:
Next!
109
00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:48,472
Boris, we can't hear ourselves think!
110
00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:56,515
Oh. Oh, sorry, Your Worship, but I've
got two men at home, sick with the flu...
111
00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:59,194
...and it's utter chaos down here.
112
00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:02,113
I'll try to keep it as quiet
as possible.
113
00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:04,271
But as you can see...
114
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:09,359
...this one is a doozy.
115
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:14,509
Yes, the Dr. Gillespie killings.
Well, do your best.
116
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:22,118
- Now, let's see. Where were we?
- Rock Ridge.
117
00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:23,998
Rock Ridge.
118
00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:27,551
Yes, when that railroad
goes through Rock Ridge...
119
00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:31,554
...that land will be worth millions,
and I want it.
120
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:34,554
I want that land so badly...
121
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:36,870
...I can taste it.
122
00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:38,758
[STATUE RATTLING
AND HEDLEY PANTING]
123
00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:41,389
There must be a way.
124
00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:44,836
- Clumsy fool.
- I'm sorry.
125
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:46,320
Wait a minute.
126
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,357
There might be a legal precedent.
127
00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:51,751
Of course! Land snatching.
128
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:54,713
Let's see. "Land:
129
00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:58,072
See snatch." Snatch.
130
00:10:58,480 --> 00:11:03,316
Ah. "Haley v. United States.
Haley, 7. United States, nothing."
131
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:06,598
You see, it can be done.
It can be done.
132
00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:11,153
Unfortunately, there is one thing that
stands between me and that property.
133
00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:12,913
The rightful owners.
134
00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:16,596
There must be some way
of scaring them off, driving them out.
135
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:19,832
- Getting rid of every human being alive in--
- Uh, uh--
136
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:23,152
- Oh, it's down the hall and to the left.
- No, sir. Sir?
137
00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:24,310
- What?
- I've got it.
138
00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:25,800
You do? What? What? What?
139
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:28,600
I know how we can run
everybody out of Rock Ridge.
140
00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:31,354
- How?
- We'll kill the first-born male child...
141
00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:33,193
...in every household.
142
00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:36,512
Too Jewish.
143
00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:39,069
Let's see.
144
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:40,878
- I got it! I got it!
- You do?
145
00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:43,236
- What?
- We'll work up a number six on them!
146
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:45,516
Number six. I'm afraid
I'm not familiar with that one.
147
00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:47,677
That's where we go riding into town...
148
00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:50,593
...a'whopping and a'whumping
every living thing...
149
00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:54,799
...that moves within an inch of its life!
Except the womenfolks, of course.
150
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:56,155
You spare the women?
151
00:11:56,360 --> 00:12:00,638
No, we rape the shit out of them
at the number-six dance later on!
152
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:02,677
That's marvelous.
That's so creative, Taggart--
153
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:04,160
Ow!
154
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:05,913
Why, Taggart, you've been hurt.
155
00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:10,114
Oh, that uppity nigger went and hit me
on the head with a shovel.
156
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:14,270
I'd sure appreciate it, sir,
if you could find it in your heart...
157
00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:17,512
...to hang him up by his neck
until he was dead.
158
00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:22,516
- Got him locked up downstairs.
- Consider it done, stout fellow.
159
00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:26,800
Boris.
160
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:30,316
Oh. Mmm. Mmm.
161
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:32,637
I've got a special.
When can you work him in?
162
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:37,351
I couldn't possibly sneak him
in until Monday, sir. I'm booked solid.
163
00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:39,193
Monday. Splendid.
164
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:44,670
Ta-da!
165
00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:47,958
Oh, thank you, sir.
And don't you worry.
166
00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:51,471
Why, we'll make Rock Ridge
think it's a chicken...
167
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,836
...that got caught
in a tractor's nuts.
168
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:55,030
[LAUGHING]
169
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:56,520
Splendid.
170
00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:57,750
[LOUD THUD]
171
00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:00,349
That's all right. Shh.
It's all right, Taggart.
172
00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:03,080
Just a man and a horse
being hung out there.
173
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:04,639
Shh.
174
00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:07,514
[HUMMING]
175
00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:11,637
CHORUS [SINGING]:
There was a peaceful town
176
00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:13,996
Called Rock Ridge
177
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:18,154
Where people lived in harmony
178
00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:23,837
They never had no kind of trouble
179
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:27,789
There was no hint of misery
180
00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:32,880
[cows MOOING]
181
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:36,869
The town saloon was always lively
182
00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:41,153
But never nasty or obscene
183
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,756
Behind the bar stood anal Johnson
184
00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:47,993
He always kept things nice and clean
185
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:49,639
[BURP5]
186
00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:52,596
And all at once the trouble started
187
00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:55,233
A pack of murderers and thieves
188
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:56,515
[GUNSHOT]
189
00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:59,149
Like swarms of locusts
They descended
190
00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:01,757
Their aim
To make the townsfolk flee
191
00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:03,069
[GUNSHOTS]
192
00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:04,560
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
193
00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:07,430
[TAGGART LAUGHING]
194
00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:08,749
MAN:
Oh, shit.
195
00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:10,558
[GUNSHOT]
196
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:16,793
Whoa! Whoa!
197
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:18,599
[GUNSHOTS]
198
00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:32,392
Well, that's the end of this suit.
199
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:40,550
[GROANING]
200
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:43,429
Have you ever seen such cruelty?
201
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,318
[MOANING IN PAIN]
202
00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:53,315
CONGREGATION [SINGING]:
Now is a time of great decision
203
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:59,078
Are we to stay or up and quit?
204
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:05,953
There's no avoiding this conclusion
205
00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:13,911
Our town is turning into shit
206
00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:17,157
REVEREND:
Be seated.
207
00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:23,480
Now, I don't have to tell you
good folks...
208
00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:27,679
...what has been happening
here in our beloved little town.
209
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:30,070
Sheriff murdered...
210
00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:32,078
...crops burned...
211
00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:34,032
...stores looted...
212
00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:35,878
...people stampeded...
213
00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:38,196
...and cattle raped.
214
00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:39,839
[CHATTERING]
215
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,759
Now, the time has come to act.
216
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:46,032
And act fast!
217
00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:49,553
I'm leaving.
218
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:55,073
You get back here, you
pious, candy-ass sidewinder!
219
00:15:55,240 --> 00:16:00,599
There ain't no way that nobody
is gonna leave this town!
220
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:04,549
Hell, I was born here
and I was raised here...
221
00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:07,075
...and dadgum it,
I'm gonna die here!
222
00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:11,120
And no sidewinding,
bushwhacking, hornswoggling...
223
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:16,235
...cracker croaker is gonna
ruin my biscuit cutter!
224
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:24,716
Now, who can argue with that?
225
00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:26,394
[CHATTERING]
226
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:30,560
I think we're all indebted
to Gabby Johnson...
227
00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:33,957
...for clearly stating
what needed to be said.
228
00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:38,637
I'm particularly glad these lovely children
were here today to hear that speech.
229
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:42,634
Not only was it
authentic frontier gibberish...
230
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:45,997
...it expressed a courage
little seen in this day and age.
231
00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:47,878
[CHATTERING]
232
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:50,350
What are we made of?
233
00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:53,478
Our fathers came across the prairie...
234
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:57,270
...fought Indians, fought drought,
fought locusts, fought Dix!
235
00:16:57,440 --> 00:17:01,752
Remember when Richard Dix came in here
and tried to take over this town?
236
00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:04,070
We didn't give up then...
237
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:08,473
...and by gum,
we're not gonna give up now!
238
00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:10,119
[CHEERING]
239
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:11,429
[GABBY BABBLES]
240
00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:12,954
[IMITATES GABBY]
241
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:15,553
Olson Johnson is right!
242
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:20,916
What kind of people are we anyhow?
I say we stay and fight it out.
243
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:22,195
[GABBY BABBLES]
244
00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:26,672
Dr. Samuel Johnson's right
about Olson Johnson's being right.
245
00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:29,116
And I'm not giving up
my ice-cream parlor...
246
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:33,114
...that I built with these two hands
for nothing or nobody!
247
00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:35,630
Howard Johnson is right!
248
00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:36,915
Thank you, Van.
249
00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:38,559
[BABBLES]
250
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:42,236
Well, if we're gonna stay...
251
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:44,710
...I think it's a big mistake.
252
00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:47,474
We're gonna need us a new sheriff.
253
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:49,153
Now, who's it gonna be?
254
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:53,151
Why don't we wire the governor
to send us a sheriff.
255
00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:55,880
Why should we get
our own men killed?
256
00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:59,476
Howard Johnson is right.
We'll wire the governor.
257
00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:01,000
[ALL BABBLING]
258
00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:05,836
Then let us pray for the deliverance
of our new sheriff.
259
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:09,197
Will the congregation please rise?
260
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:12,355
I shall now read from the books...
261
00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:15,751
...of Matthew, Mark, Luke...
262
00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:17,069
[GLASS SHATTERS]
263
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:18,679
...and duck.
264
00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:25,350
[MEN CHATTERING]
265
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:31,069
MAN:
We've got to do something.
266
00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:33,193
HEDLEY:
Governor, governor.
267
00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:36,398
- May I disturb you for a moment, sir?
- Yes, what is it'?
268
00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:40,155
If you will just sign this, governor.
Right here.
269
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:43,915
- Yes, yes. What the hell is it?
- Under the provisions of this bill...
270
00:18:44,080 --> 00:18:46,959
...we would snatch
200,000 acres of Indian territory...
271
00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:50,158
...which we have deemed unsafe
for their use at this time.
272
00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:52,960
- They're such children.
- Two hundred thousand acres?
273
00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:54,872
Two hundred thousand acres?
274
00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:57,509
- What will it cost, man? What will it cost?
- Aha.
275
00:18:57,680 --> 00:19:00,035
A box of these.
276
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:03,471
Are you crazy? They'll never go
for it. Then again, they might.
277
00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:06,075
Little red devils love toys.
May I try one?
278
00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:08,675
- Please do, sir.
- Thank you. Thank you.
279
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:11,596
These things are defective.
280
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:17,551
- Right as usual, sir.
- Showoff!
281
00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:21,515
- Sir, just sign this, sir. Right here.
- Okay, give us a hand here.
282
00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:22,994
All right, sir.
283
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:25,754
Work, work, work.
Work, work, work, work, work.
284
00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:28,594
Hello, boys, have a good night's rest?
I missed you.
285
00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:32,310
- Just one more bill for you to sign, sir.
- What the hell is this?
286
00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:35,399
This bill converts
the state hospital for the insane...
287
00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:39,315
...into the William Le Petomane
Memorial Gambling Casino for the Insane.
288
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:42,757
Gentlemen, this bill
will be a giant step forward...
289
00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:46,754
-...in the treatment of the insane gambler.
- Yes, bravo. Beautiful.
290
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:48,672
[ALL APPLAUDING]
291
00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:51,876
Thank you. Thank you, Hedy.
Thank you.
292
00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:56,756
- It's not Hedy. It's Hedley. Hedley Lamarr.
- What the hell are you worried about?
293
00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:59,952
This is 1874.
You'll be able to sue her.
294
00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:02,350
[ALL LAUGHING]
295
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:07,389
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
296
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:09,557
- Just sign here, sir.
- Thank you.
297
00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:11,552
Thank you. Thank you very much.
298
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:14,109
- That's it.
- All right, help me in with this.
299
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:15,998
Just think of your secretary.
300
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:18,231
That was a very good suggestion.
301
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:19,635
- All right, sir.
- Thank you.
302
00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:22,440
- All right.
- Okay, is that it? Anything else?
303
00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:26,309
Just this urgent telegram
from Rock Ridge that arrived last Friday.
304
00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:30,075
Last Friday. Read it!
Read it, you wild bitch.
305
00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:34,313
"Sheriff murdered. Church meeting
bombed. Reign of terror must cease.
306
00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:38,553
- Send new sheriff immediately."
- Holy underwear!
307
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:42,270
Sheriff murdered? Innocent women
and children blown to bits?!
308
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:44,795
We've got to protect
our phony-baloney jobs.
309
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:48,351
We must do something
about this immediately! Immediately!
310
00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:50,830
ALL:
Harrumph, harrumph, harrumph.
311
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:54,516
- I didn't get a harrumph out of him.
- Give the governor a harrumph.
312
00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:56,751
- Harrumph.
- You watch your ass.
313
00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:59,230
Gentlemen, please rest your sphincters.
314
00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:01,351
- Well put.
- Thank you very much, sir.
315
00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:03,670
As attorney general, I can assure you...
316
00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:07,595
...a suitable sheriff will be found
to restore the peace in Rock Ridge.
317
00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:09,273
Meeting is adjourned.
318
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:13,195
I am sorry, sir. I didn't mean
to overstep my bounds. You say that.
319
00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:14,794
- What?
- Meeting is adjourned.
320
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:17,037
- It is?
- No. You say that, governor.
321
00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:18,679
- What?
- Meeting is adjourned.
322
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:21,110
- It is?
- Play around with this for a while.
323
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:22,350
Thank you, Hedy.
324
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:24,113
- No, it's Hedley!
- It is?
325
00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:26,874
Give these out to some
of the boys in lieu of pay.
326
00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:30,192
Here you go. Frankie,
Johnny, Patsy, Kelly.
327
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:33,079
And one for Miss Stein,
my beloved secretary.
328
00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:36,710
Play with these, boys,
in lieu of the other things.
329
00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:40,394
This frigging thing is warped.
330
00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:44,478
Why do I always get a warped one?
331
00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:48,198
A sheriff!
332
00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:51,876
But law and order
is the last thing I want.
333
00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:54,597
Wait a minute.
334
00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:58,071
Maybe I can turn this thing
into my advantage.
335
00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:00,436
If I could find a sheriff...
336
00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:03,240
...who so offends
the citizens of Rock Ridge...
337
00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:07,473
...that his very appearance
would drive them out of town.
338
00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:11,998
But where would I find such a man?
339
00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:14,390
Why am I asking you?
340
00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:16,393
[CHATTERING OUTSIDE]
341
00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:25,997
Oh, welcome to Hanging House.
342
00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:27,514
Not to worry.
343
00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:30,479
Everyone is equal in my eye.
344
00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:33,635
[CHUCKLING]
345
00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:39,029
[CHOKING AND COUGHING]
346
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:44,119
[CLEARS THROAT]
347
00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:47,230
[MISS STEIN GIGGLING]
348
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:48,913
LE PETOMANE:
Not my ear. Not in my ear.
349
00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:50,070
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
350
00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:53,471
- Not in the ear. Not in the ear.
- Sir?
351
00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:55,432
Governor?
352
00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:58,473
- Yes?
- Official business, sir.
353
00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:01,280
- Is it important?
- It's very crucial.
354
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:02,709
[SIGHS]
355
00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:04,871
Be with you in a minute.
356
00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:07,350
Throw something on
and stay in that position.
357
00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:08,510
Oh, sorry, gentlemen.
358
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:09,670
[ZIPPER ZIPS]
359
00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:13,196
Forgive me, I was just walking
the parapet, taking a look around.
360
00:23:13,360 --> 00:23:16,591
- What can I do for you?
- Governor, as per your instructions...
361
00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:19,559
...I'd like you to meet
the new sheriff of Rock Ridge.
362
00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:20,994
I'd be delight-- Wow!
363
00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:22,559
[WHISTLES]
364
00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:24,313
I've got to talk to you.
Come here.
365
00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:28,838
Have you gone berserk?
Can't you see that that man is a ni--?
366
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:30,990
RAUGHS]
367
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:35,313
Wrong person. Forgive me.
No offense intended.
368
00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:39,196
Have you gone berserk?
Can't you see that man is a ni--?
369
00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:42,318
- Don't worry, sir.
- I've always trusted your judgment...
370
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:45,638
...but haven't you taken a giant leap
from your good senses?
371
00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:48,189
Please don't fly off the handle, sir.
372
00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:51,392
I am about to make you
an historic figure.
373
00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:55,474
- Maybe even get you a cabinet post.
- A cabinet post!
374
00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:56,835
- Yes.
- Did you say that?
375
00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:58,559
- I said that.
- Wonderful.
376
00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:01,838
Yes, the first man ever to appoint
a black sheriff.
377
00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:06,034
- Just think, sir. Washington, Jefferson--
- Lincoln.
378
00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:08,157
- Le Petomane!
- Oh!
379
00:24:08,360 --> 00:24:10,636
Sir, you have the seeds
of greatness in you.
380
00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:14,276
Nurse them, caress them,
pour water on them.
381
00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:17,319
Don't shortchange yourself, sir.
382
00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:20,791
It'll never work.
They'll kill him dead in one day.
383
00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:25,272
One day is all we'll need to secure your
name in the annals of Western history.
384
00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:28,313
And to get, for you, a nomination for--
Dare I say?
385
00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:30,517
- Dare. Dare.
- The presidency!
386
00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:32,876
- Wow! Oh!
- Hail to the chief!
387
00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:35,357
Hail to the chief!
388
00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:37,518
[HUMMING "HAIL TO THE CHIEF"]
389
00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:45,269
Fourscore and seven years ago...
390
00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:48,831
...our forefathers
brought forth on this--
391
00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:51,355
- Bill, are you coming back?
- In a moment, dear.
392
00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:54,558
Gentlemen, affairs of state
must take precedent...
393
00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:59,277
...over the affairs of state.
HEDLEY: Yes, of course, sir. We understand.
394
00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:02,796
- Will you make the arrangements?
- I will make all the arrangements.
395
00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:04,314
LE PETOMANE:
Especially the funeral.
396
00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:05,590
[LAUGHING]
397
00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:09,038
Good luck, boys.
Wonderful working with you.
398
00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:10,759
Good luck!
399
00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:13,270
[WHISTLING
"HAIL TO THE CHIEF"]
400
00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:20,632
[BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING]
401
00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:58,638
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
402
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:18,833
Hurry up, get those flags up.
He'll be here soon.
403
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:22,118
Hey! I just got a telegram
from the governor's office.
404
00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:24,840
The sheriff will be here at noon!
405
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:28,959
Noon? I'd better rehearse my speech.
406
00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:33,831
"As honorary chairman
of the welcoming committee...
407
00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:36,833
...it is my privilege to extend to you...
408
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:39,992
...a Laurel and Hardy handshake."
409
00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:41,875
- Wonderful!
- Lovely.
410
00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:45,590
- Excellent.
- Gabby, can you see him yet?
411
00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:52,351
The sheriff's coming.
412
00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:56,356
- Ring out the church bells.
- Strike up the band.
413
00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:57,874
[BELLS TOLLING]
414
00:26:58,040 --> 00:26:59,997
[BAND PLAYING]
415
00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:13,554
Hey! The sheriff is a ni--
416
00:27:13,720 --> 00:27:15,040
[BELL TOLLS]
417
00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:18,113
- What did he say?
- The sheriff is near.
418
00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:19,550
No!
419
00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:20,710
[BABBLING]
420
00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:22,439
The sheriff is a ni--
421
00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:24,113
[BELL TOLLS]
422
00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:30,994
ALL:
Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!
423
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:47,353
"As chairman
of the welcoming committee...
424
00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:50,712
...it is my privilege to extend a Laurel...
425
00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:54,077
...and Hardy handshake to our new--"
426
00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:57,754
Nigger.
427
00:28:26,800 --> 00:28:29,155
Excuse me while I whip this out.
428
00:28:29,320 --> 00:28:30,799
[WOMEN SCREAM]
429
00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:32,759
[SIGHING]
430
00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:37,798
"By the power vested in me...
431
00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:41,112
...by the Honorable
William J. Le Petomane...
432
00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:42,640
[GUNS COCKING]
433
00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:50,152
...I hereby assume the duties
of the office of sheriff...
434
00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:52,550
...in and for the township
of Rock Ridge."
435
00:28:52,720 --> 00:28:55,712
REVEREND: Gentlemen, let us
not allow anger to rule the day.
436
00:28:55,920 --> 00:28:58,639
As your spiritual leader, I implore you...
437
00:28:58,840 --> 00:29:01,992
...to pay heed to this good book
and what it has to say.
438
00:29:02,160 --> 00:29:04,231
[GUNSHOT]
439
00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:05,959
Son...
440
00:29:06,120 --> 00:29:07,793
...you're on your own.
441
00:29:12,040 --> 00:29:13,269
[IN DEEP VOICE]
Hold it!
442
00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:17,038
The next man makes a move,
the nigger gets it.
443
00:29:21,360 --> 00:29:24,159
Hold it, men. He's not bluffing.
444
00:29:24,360 --> 00:29:27,193
Listen to him, men.
He's just crazy enough to do it.
445
00:29:27,360 --> 00:29:32,230
Drop it, or I swear I'll blow
this nigger's head all over this town!
446
00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:35,836
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Lordy, Lord,
he's desperate. Do what he say.
447
00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:38,316
Do what he say!
448
00:29:54,360 --> 00:29:57,557
Isn't anybody gonna help
that poor man?
449
00:29:57,720 --> 00:30:01,554
Hush, Harriett.
That's a sure way to get him killed.
450
00:30:01,720 --> 00:30:03,870
Help me! Help me! Help me!
451
00:30:04,040 --> 00:30:06,873
Somebody help me!
Help me! Help me!
452
00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:08,719
Help me!
453
00:30:08,880 --> 00:30:10,314
[IN DEEP VOICE]
Shut up!
454
00:30:13,320 --> 00:30:18,156
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, baby, you are so talented.
455
00:30:18,320 --> 00:30:20,880
And they are so dumb.
456
00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:24,229
[CHATTERING AND SHOUTING]
457
00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:28,030
Order.
458
00:30:28,960 --> 00:30:32,510
Goddamn it! I said, order!
459
00:30:32,720 --> 00:30:35,155
You know, Nietzsche says:
460
00:30:35,320 --> 00:30:38,073
"Out of chaos comes order."
461
00:30:38,240 --> 00:30:40,072
Blow it out your ass, Howard.
462
00:30:40,760 --> 00:30:41,750
Oh.
463
00:30:42,760 --> 00:30:45,434
Now, everyone be quiet...
464
00:30:45,600 --> 00:30:49,309
...whilst we listen
to Harriett Van Johnson...
465
00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:53,838
...our esteemed school marm,
as she reads a telegram...
466
00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:58,153
...that she herself has composed
to the governor...
467
00:30:58,320 --> 00:31:01,119
...expressing our feelings...
468
00:31:01,280 --> 00:31:04,398
...about the new sheriff.
469
00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:06,471
[CHEERING]
470
00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:12,911
"To the Honorable
William J. Le Petomane, governor."
471
00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:14,195
[ALL SHOUTING]
472
00:31:14,360 --> 00:31:16,795
MAN: We can't hear you!
- Forgive me.
473
00:31:16,960 --> 00:31:20,715
I'm not used to public speaking.
474
00:31:21,240 --> 00:31:26,872
[YELLING] "We, the white,
God-fearing citizens of Rock Ridge...
475
00:31:27,040 --> 00:31:31,193
...wish to express
our extreme displeasure...
476
00:31:31,360 --> 00:31:33,874
...with your choice of sheriff.
477
00:31:34,040 --> 00:31:37,032
Please remove him immediately.
478
00:31:37,200 --> 00:31:39,032
[CHATTERING]
479
00:31:39,200 --> 00:31:43,239
The fact that you have sent him here...
480
00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:45,550
...just goes to prove...
481
00:31:45,720 --> 00:31:49,953
...that you are the leading asshole
in the state."
482
00:31:50,120 --> 00:31:52,873
[CHEERING]
483
00:31:55,120 --> 00:31:56,713
[cows MOOING]
484
00:32:00,840 --> 00:32:03,195
[SINGING "DE CAMPTOWN LADIES"]
485
00:32:09,000 --> 00:32:10,115
[CLATTERING]
486
00:32:10,320 --> 00:32:11,355
[GROANING]
487
00:32:12,640 --> 00:32:15,200
The drunk in number two must be awake.
488
00:32:20,720 --> 00:32:22,438
Are we awake?
489
00:32:26,680 --> 00:32:28,876
We're not sure.
490
00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:32,239
Are we black?
491
00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:33,799
Yes, we are.
492
00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:37,589
Then we're awake...
493
00:32:37,760 --> 00:32:40,559
...but we're very puzzled.
494
00:32:41,320 --> 00:32:45,075
I think I'd better straighten myself out.
495
00:32:45,720 --> 00:32:47,472
[GRUNTING]
496
00:32:47,640 --> 00:32:49,677
BART:
Need any help?
497
00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:51,274
Oh.
498
00:32:52,160 --> 00:32:54,276
All I can get.
499
00:33:04,240 --> 00:33:05,560
Thanks.
500
00:33:05,720 --> 00:33:08,758
That's okay. Sit down over here.
501
00:33:19,240 --> 00:33:21,390
Hey, maybe you should
eat something first.
502
00:33:21,600 --> 00:33:25,434
No, thanks. Food makes me sick.
503
00:33:34,320 --> 00:33:39,349
A man drink like that and he don't eat,
he is going to die.
504
00:33:41,160 --> 00:33:42,719
When?
505
00:33:45,320 --> 00:33:48,438
- What's your name?
- Well, my name is Jim.
506
00:33:48,600 --> 00:33:51,274
But most people call me...
507
00:33:53,440 --> 00:33:55,033
...Jim.
508
00:33:55,320 --> 00:33:56,594
[CHUCKLES]
509
00:33:56,800 --> 00:34:00,873
Okay, Jim, since you are my guest
and I am your host...
510
00:34:01,040 --> 00:34:04,112
...what are your pleasures?
What do you like to do?
511
00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:06,233
Oh, I don't know.
512
00:34:06,400 --> 00:34:08,311
Play chess.
513
00:34:09,640 --> 00:34:11,358
Screw.
514
00:34:12,040 --> 00:34:14,031
Well, let's play chess.
515
00:34:17,200 --> 00:34:18,873
Checkmate.
516
00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:22,229
- What?
- Checkmate.
517
00:34:22,400 --> 00:34:25,153
Why, you devious son of a bitch.
518
00:34:26,000 --> 00:34:28,150
Happy days.
519
00:34:36,720 --> 00:34:38,757
Man, why you do that to yourself?
520
00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:40,115
[CHUCKLES]
521
00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:42,317
You don't really wanna know that.
522
00:34:42,480 --> 00:34:45,757
- I do, I do.
- Well, if you must pry...
523
00:34:45,920 --> 00:34:47,991
I must, I must.
524
00:34:48,720 --> 00:34:51,838
I don't know if you ever
heard of me before...
525
00:34:52,200 --> 00:34:54,669
...but I used to be called...
526
00:34:55,520 --> 00:34:57,750
...the Waco Kid.
527
00:34:57,960 --> 00:35:02,158
The Waco Kid.
He had the fastest hands in the West.
528
00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:05,119
In the world.
529
00:35:05,800 --> 00:35:08,314
Well, if you're the Kid,
then show me something.
530
00:35:08,480 --> 00:35:09,675
Oh.
531
00:35:09,840 --> 00:35:13,356
Maybe a couple of years ago
I could have shown you something...
532
00:35:13,520 --> 00:35:15,352
...but today...
533
00:35:17,120 --> 00:35:20,238
- Look at that.
- Steady as a rock.
534
00:35:20,400 --> 00:35:23,313
Yeah, but I shoot with this hand.
535
00:35:23,480 --> 00:35:25,869
See, I knew you wasn't no Waco Kid.
536
00:35:26,040 --> 00:35:27,951
You was just pulling my lariat.
537
00:35:28,880 --> 00:35:31,838
Oh, dearie, dear.
538
00:35:32,720 --> 00:35:34,040
[SIGHS]
539
00:35:34,200 --> 00:35:35,713
Well...
540
00:35:36,800 --> 00:35:38,393
Okay.
541
00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:45,633
See that king?
542
00:35:45,880 --> 00:35:49,510
- Yeah.
- Put your hands on both sides of it.
543
00:35:52,480 --> 00:35:54,232
Now, when I say "go"...
544
00:35:54,400 --> 00:35:56,232
...you try to grab it first.
545
00:35:56,840 --> 00:36:00,071
Man, that's no contest.
You a mile away.
546
00:36:00,920 --> 00:36:03,878
Yeah.
547
00:36:04,040 --> 00:36:07,158
Anyway, when you hear the word "go"...
548
00:36:07,320 --> 00:36:08,879
...you just try to grab it.
549
00:36:09,920 --> 00:36:11,149
Ready?
550
00:36:11,320 --> 00:36:12,833
Ready.
551
00:36:19,480 --> 00:36:21,073
Go!
552
00:36:29,120 --> 00:36:30,519
Hey-
553
00:36:31,960 --> 00:36:33,758
You looking for this?
554
00:36:37,960 --> 00:36:40,554
Well, raise my rent.
555
00:36:40,960 --> 00:36:43,270
- You are the Kid.
- Was.
556
00:36:43,440 --> 00:36:46,114
Yeah, I was the Kid.
557
00:36:46,760 --> 00:36:48,273
[COUGHS]
558
00:36:48,440 --> 00:36:50,397
Well, what happened?
559
00:36:50,600 --> 00:36:55,276
Oh, well, it got so that every prairie punk
who thought he could shoot a gun...
560
00:36:55,480 --> 00:36:59,474
...would ride into town
to try out the Waco Kid.
561
00:37:01,600 --> 00:37:05,639
I must have killed more men
than Cecil B. De Mille.
562
00:37:06,160 --> 00:37:07,798
It got pretty gritty.
563
00:37:08,320 --> 00:37:12,075
I started to hear the word "draw"
in my sleep.
564
00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:15,792
Then one day...
565
00:37:16,000 --> 00:37:19,391
...I was just
walking down the street...
566
00:37:19,560 --> 00:37:22,473
...and I heard a voice behind me say:
567
00:37:22,640 --> 00:37:25,154
"Reach for it, mister."
568
00:37:25,320 --> 00:37:27,516
I spun around.
569
00:37:28,920 --> 00:37:32,038
And there I was face to face...
570
00:37:33,760 --> 00:37:37,276
...with a 6-year-old kid.
571
00:37:40,680 --> 00:37:44,992
Well, I just threw my guns down
and walked away.
572
00:37:47,440 --> 00:37:51,195
The little bastard shot me in the ass.
573
00:37:53,200 --> 00:37:56,033
So I limped to the nearest saloon...
574
00:37:56,200 --> 00:37:58,919
...crawled inside a whiskey bottle...
575
00:37:59,080 --> 00:38:03,039
...and I've been there ever since.
576
00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:08,113
Have a drink.
577
00:38:08,280 --> 00:38:10,032
Thanks.
578
00:38:14,160 --> 00:38:17,198
Anyway, that's all ancient history.
579
00:38:17,360 --> 00:38:21,433
Now, you tell me your story.
What's a dazzling urbanite like you...
580
00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:23,876
...doing in a rustic setting like this?
581
00:38:24,920 --> 00:38:26,479
If you really must pry...
582
00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:29,235
Oh, I must, I must.
583
00:38:33,640 --> 00:38:36,519
Well, back in '56...
584
00:38:36,680 --> 00:38:40,719
...my folks and I were part of
this long wagon train...
585
00:38:40,920 --> 00:38:43,070
...moving West.
586
00:38:55,400 --> 00:38:58,552
Well, not exactly part of it.
587
00:38:58,720 --> 00:39:01,599
You might say
we was bringing up the rear...
588
00:39:01,760 --> 00:39:04,559
...when suddenly,
from out of the west...
589
00:39:04,720 --> 00:39:07,394
...came the entire Sioux nation.
590
00:39:07,560 --> 00:39:10,951
And let me tell you, baby,
they was open for business.
591
00:39:11,160 --> 00:39:12,275
[YELLING]
592
00:39:12,440 --> 00:39:13,589
[GUNSHOTS]
593
00:39:15,280 --> 00:39:19,274
BART: Naturally, the white folks
didn't let us travel in their circle...
594
00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:22,000
...so we made our own.
595
00:39:57,640 --> 00:39:58,869
[SPEAKING IN YIDDISH]
596
00:40:14,440 --> 00:40:17,592
- Cop a walk. It's all right.
- Thank you.
597
00:40:17,760 --> 00:40:19,159
MAN: Thank you.
- Thank you.
598
00:40:19,320 --> 00:40:20,640
[SPEAKS IN YIDDISH]
599
00:40:20,800 --> 00:40:22,950
Take off.
600
00:40:27,480 --> 00:40:29,312
[SPEAKING IN YIDDISH]
601
00:40:30,160 --> 00:40:32,629
They darker than us! Woof!
602
00:40:36,320 --> 00:40:38,834
And the rest is history.
603
00:40:40,200 --> 00:40:41,838
Impressed?
604
00:40:42,360 --> 00:40:43,395
[SNORES]
605
00:40:46,760 --> 00:40:50,515
Always like to keep
my audience riveted.
606
00:41:07,560 --> 00:41:08,709
[BURP5]
607
00:41:14,560 --> 00:41:16,233
[PARTS]
608
00:41:17,560 --> 00:41:19,278
[ALL BURPING AND FARTING]
609
00:41:41,120 --> 00:41:43,430
Goddamn!
610
00:41:43,640 --> 00:41:48,191
- How about more beans, Mr. Taggart?
- I'd say you've had enough.
611
00:41:51,240 --> 00:41:54,358
I understand there's a new sheriff
in town.
612
00:41:54,520 --> 00:41:58,229
- Who wants to kill him?
ALL: I do! I do! Me! Me!
613
00:41:58,400 --> 00:42:02,280
- Me! Me! Me!
"Mr- Taggart? Mr. Taggart, sir?
614
00:42:02,440 --> 00:42:05,751
Why don't we give him to Mongo.
615
00:42:05,960 --> 00:42:07,712
[ALL CHEERING]
616
00:42:07,920 --> 00:42:12,039
TAGGART:
Mongo?! Holy shit, that's too cruel.
617
00:42:12,440 --> 00:42:16,229
I'll be danged. That is a unique idea.
618
00:42:17,000 --> 00:42:18,957
[ALL LAUGHING
AND CHATTERING]
619
00:42:20,600 --> 00:42:21,749
[GRUNTING]
620
00:42:22,040 --> 00:42:24,190
Down, boy. Down.
621
00:42:24,360 --> 00:42:26,749
Down, Mango. Down, boy.
622
00:42:26,920 --> 00:42:30,470
Here, it's me, Taggart, your old boss.
Here, smell. Smell.
623
00:42:30,640 --> 00:42:34,076
Smell, boy. Yeah.
Yeah, that's a good Mongo.
624
00:42:34,640 --> 00:42:37,234
That's a good Mango. Yeah.
625
00:42:37,400 --> 00:42:41,871
Hey, how about it? How would you
like to mutilate that new sheriff?
626
00:42:44,800 --> 00:42:48,589
All right! Here, have a cigar.
627
00:42:50,880 --> 00:42:51,995
[MONGO CHUCKLING]
628
00:43:23,560 --> 00:43:24,675
[SNIFFING]
629
00:43:29,200 --> 00:43:31,589
Oh, by the way,
I got a note this morning.
630
00:43:31,760 --> 00:43:34,513
BART: From who?
- Well, I'm not sure.
631
00:43:34,680 --> 00:43:37,320
It was addressed to the "deputy spade."
632
00:43:41,360 --> 00:43:44,318
Well, once I establish myself
in this here town...
633
00:43:44,480 --> 00:43:47,871
...deputy spade might turn out
to be a groovy position.
634
00:43:48,040 --> 00:43:49,678
Here.
635
00:43:53,800 --> 00:43:55,359
[EXHALING]
636
00:43:57,800 --> 00:43:59,359
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Listen, Bart...
637
00:43:59,520 --> 00:44:01,670
...I want you to do me a favor.
638
00:44:01,840 --> 00:44:04,400
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I don't
want you going out there this morning.
639
00:44:04,560 --> 00:44:07,074
You can't win these people over,
no matter what.
640
00:44:07,240 --> 00:44:09,550
They're just not gonna accept you.
641
00:44:18,160 --> 00:44:19,355
[CHUCKLING]
642
00:44:19,520 --> 00:44:22,990
I'm glad those fingers ain't loaded.
643
00:44:23,680 --> 00:44:24,954
Woo.
644
00:44:26,120 --> 00:44:28,714
Just like old times.
645
00:44:31,920 --> 00:44:35,311
Like I told you,
once you establish yourself...
646
00:44:35,520 --> 00:44:37,955
...they've got to accept you.
647
00:44:38,120 --> 00:44:40,316
Catch you later.
648
00:44:44,280 --> 00:44:45,918
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Good luck.
649
00:44:53,520 --> 00:44:56,114
Well, good morning, ma'am.
650
00:44:56,720 --> 00:44:59,109
And isn't it a lovely morning?
651
00:44:59,280 --> 00:45:01,078
Up yours, nigger!
652
00:45:05,480 --> 00:45:09,474
What did you expect?
"Welcome, sonny...
653
00:45:09,760 --> 00:45:12,479
...make yourself at home"?
654
00:45:12,640 --> 00:45:14,199
"Marry my daughter"?
655
00:45:14,360 --> 00:45:18,274
You've got to remember
that these are just simple farmers.
656
00:45:18,720 --> 00:45:21,712
These are people of the land.
657
00:45:21,880 --> 00:45:25,794
The common clay of the new West.
658
00:45:26,920 --> 00:45:28,479
You know...
659
00:45:30,200 --> 00:45:31,474
"JTIOFOHS.
660
00:45:31,640 --> 00:45:32,914
[LAUGHING]
661
00:45:33,680 --> 00:45:35,159
[RUMBLING]
662
00:45:35,520 --> 00:45:37,875
What the hell is that?
663
00:45:52,320 --> 00:45:53,754
Mongo!
664
00:45:53,920 --> 00:45:56,230
Santa Maria!
665
00:45:57,520 --> 00:46:01,514
SALESMAN: I believe in it. Any one of you
friends and neighbors gather around--
666
00:46:01,960 --> 00:46:04,031
Holy shit!
667
00:46:04,240 --> 00:46:06,675
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
668
00:46:09,440 --> 00:46:12,512
And they say that now,
in Paris, France...
669
00:46:12,680 --> 00:46:14,796
...even as we speak...
670
00:46:15,000 --> 00:46:18,391
...Louis Pasteur has devised
a new vaccine...
671
00:46:18,560 --> 00:46:21,678
...that will obliterate anthrax
once and for all.
672
00:46:26,880 --> 00:46:29,520
Hey, you can't
park that animal over there.
673
00:46:29,720 --> 00:46:31,757
It's illegal.
674
00:46:38,640 --> 00:46:41,758
Think of it, gentlemen,
hoof-and-mouth disease...
675
00:46:41,920 --> 00:46:45,675
-...a thing of the past.
- Never mind that shit.
676
00:46:45,840 --> 00:46:47,513
Here comes Mongo!
677
00:46:48,440 --> 00:46:49,555
[ALL GASPING]
678
00:46:53,600 --> 00:46:56,035
I don't know what it is.
679
00:46:57,560 --> 00:47:00,393
Sheriff, Mongo's back! He's--
680
00:47:01,880 --> 00:47:04,030
Sheriff, Mongo's back.
He's breaking up the whole town.
681
00:47:04,200 --> 00:47:05,793
You've got to help us, please!
682
00:47:05,960 --> 00:47:08,395
Did you hear that?
Now, it's "please."
683
00:47:08,560 --> 00:47:11,552
This morning, I couldn't get
the time of day.
684
00:47:11,760 --> 00:47:13,114
Who is this Mongo anyway?
685
00:47:13,280 --> 00:47:16,750
Well, Mongo ain't exactly a who,
he's more of a what.
686
00:47:16,920 --> 00:47:18,911
- What he said.
- Well, now, I don't know--
687
00:47:19,080 --> 00:47:22,436
Oh, thank you, sheriff.
Oh, thank you very much.
688
00:47:22,600 --> 00:47:24,113
Thank you.
689
00:47:24,320 --> 00:47:26,357
The fool's going to--
690
00:47:26,520 --> 00:47:29,319
I mean, the sheriff's going to do it.
691
00:47:34,440 --> 00:47:36,477
No, no, don't do that. Don't do that.
692
00:47:36,640 --> 00:47:39,712
If you shoot him,
you'll just make him mad.
693
00:47:43,640 --> 00:47:45,278
[ALL GROANING]
694
00:47:50,200 --> 00:47:52,635
Candy-gram for Mango.
695
00:47:58,080 --> 00:47:59,718
Candy-gram for Mango.
696
00:48:01,560 --> 00:48:03,233
Candy-gram for Mango.
697
00:48:03,440 --> 00:48:05,750
- Candy-gram for Mongo.
- Me Mongo.
698
00:48:05,920 --> 00:48:07,399
Sign, please.
699
00:48:12,320 --> 00:48:14,118
Thank you.
700
00:48:18,280 --> 00:48:20,635
Mongo like candy.
701
00:48:27,120 --> 00:48:29,680
- A little further down, to the right.
- You know...
702
00:48:29,880 --> 00:48:32,838
...I thought sure that Mongo
would just mash him up...
703
00:48:33,000 --> 00:48:36,436
...into little sheriff meatballs.
I just don't understand it.
704
00:48:36,640 --> 00:48:38,836
- Be still, Taggart.
- Yes, sir.
705
00:48:39,000 --> 00:48:43,836
My mind is a raging torrent,
flooded with rivulets of thought...
706
00:48:44,000 --> 00:48:48,392
...cascading into a waterfall
of creative alternatives.
707
00:48:48,560 --> 00:48:50,870
Goldarn it, Mr. Lamarr...
708
00:48:51,040 --> 00:48:54,829
...you use your tongue prettier
than a $20 whore.
709
00:48:57,640 --> 00:48:59,677
Shitkicker.
710
00:48:59,840 --> 00:49:02,958
Wait a minute. That's it!
711
00:49:03,120 --> 00:49:06,272
Of course. And it will work!
712
00:49:06,440 --> 00:49:09,034
You bet it will. What will work?
713
00:49:09,200 --> 00:49:12,113
Elementary, cactus-head.
The beast has failed.
714
00:49:12,280 --> 00:49:17,480
And when the beast fails,
it's time to call in beauty.
715
00:49:17,680 --> 00:49:20,638
- Beauty?
- Yes, of course.
716
00:49:20,800 --> 00:49:24,077
She's never failed me before.
She'll turn him into jelly.
717
00:49:24,240 --> 00:49:27,437
She'll bring him to his knees.
718
00:49:29,040 --> 00:49:31,873
Where's my froggy? Where's my froggy?!
719
00:49:32,040 --> 00:49:37,558
- I didn't see it when I come in.
- Look, damn your eyes, look for it!
720
00:49:38,200 --> 00:49:41,158
- Taggart.
- Sorry, sir.
721
00:49:41,920 --> 00:49:44,230
Hurry, get it. Will you look around?
722
00:49:44,400 --> 00:49:46,437
- There it is.
- Give it to me. Hurry!
723
00:49:46,600 --> 00:49:48,557
Quick, Taggart! Quick!
724
00:49:50,920 --> 00:49:53,196
That was a close one.
725
00:49:53,360 --> 00:49:56,432
Daddy loves froggy.
Froggy love Daddy?
726
00:49:56,600 --> 00:49:57,829
[SQUEAKING]
727
00:49:59,000 --> 00:50:00,149
Ribbit.
728
00:50:01,240 --> 00:50:02,275
Ribbit.
729
00:50:03,720 --> 00:50:04,994
[MONGO SNORING]
730
00:50:05,760 --> 00:50:09,276
JIM: I don't know how you did it.
- Oh, he was nothing.
731
00:50:09,480 --> 00:50:12,472
The bitch was inventing the candy-gram.
732
00:50:12,640 --> 00:50:15,109
And they probably
won't give me credit for it.
733
00:50:15,320 --> 00:50:17,197
[KNOCKING ON WINDOW]
734
00:50:23,920 --> 00:50:28,278
Good evening, sheriff.
Sorry about the "up yours, nigger."
735
00:50:28,440 --> 00:50:31,751
I hope this apple pie
will, in some small way, say thank you...
736
00:50:31,960 --> 00:50:36,431
...for your ingenuity and courage
in defeating that horrible Mongo.
737
00:50:36,600 --> 00:50:40,116
Well, thank you. Much obliged.
Good night.
738
00:50:44,000 --> 00:50:44,990
[KNOCKING]
739
00:50:49,320 --> 00:50:53,439
Of course, you'll have the good taste
not to mention that I spoke to you.
740
00:50:53,600 --> 00:50:55,477
- Of course.
- Thank you.
741
00:50:55,640 --> 00:50:57,631
Good night.
742
00:50:58,760 --> 00:51:03,596
Huh, I'm rapidly becoming
a big underground success in this town.
743
00:51:03,760 --> 00:51:07,879
See, in another 25 years you'll be able
to shake their hands in broad daylight.
744
00:51:08,080 --> 00:51:10,549
Well, I ain't gonna
hold my breath for it.
745
00:51:10,720 --> 00:51:12,518
Come on, I don't wanna be late.
746
00:51:12,680 --> 00:51:15,798
That Lili Von Shtupp
is opening tonight.
747
00:51:15,960 --> 00:51:19,271
- Lili Von who?
- Shtupp.
748
00:51:27,600 --> 00:51:29,432
[SINGING]
749
00:51:32,520 --> 00:51:33,794
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
750
00:51:34,120 --> 00:51:37,272
Welcome. Come on in.
751
00:51:39,160 --> 00:51:41,071
153*".
752
00:51:41,280 --> 00:51:44,910
It's Hedley. For you, my dear.
753
00:51:45,120 --> 00:51:46,349
Oh.
754
00:51:47,080 --> 00:51:49,117
How ordinary.
755
00:51:50,480 --> 00:51:54,030
Oh, Lili. Lili, Lili, Lili, legs.
756
00:51:54,200 --> 00:51:56,191
Lili, Lili.
757
00:51:56,360 --> 00:51:59,716
I cannot find the words
to truly express my joy...
758
00:51:59,880 --> 00:52:02,349
...at the rekindling
of our association.
759
00:52:02,520 --> 00:52:06,309
Bullshit. What's the job?
760
00:52:07,560 --> 00:52:09,995
I love it when you talk dirty.
761
00:52:10,360 --> 00:52:11,589
[CHATTERING]
762
00:52:21,640 --> 00:52:24,632
Come on, Lamarr, let's get down
to brass tacks.
763
00:52:24,800 --> 00:52:27,155
What do you want me to do?
764
00:52:28,400 --> 00:52:32,758
I want you to seduce and abandon
the sheriff of Rock Ridge.
765
00:52:32,960 --> 00:52:35,076
You think you can do it?
766
00:52:35,560 --> 00:52:36,550
RAUGHS]
767
00:52:36,960 --> 00:52:38,678
Is Bismarck a herring?
768
00:52:38,880 --> 00:52:41,076
Oh, Lili, you're magnificent.
769
00:52:41,240 --> 00:52:43,231
Kiss me.
770
00:52:43,440 --> 00:52:44,555
[GROANING]
771
00:52:47,160 --> 00:52:48,355
[CHEERING]
772
00:52:54,080 --> 00:52:55,991
And now, folks...
773
00:52:56,160 --> 00:52:58,913
...that gal y'all have been
waiting for...
774
00:52:59,080 --> 00:53:01,515
...the Bavarian bombshell herself.
775
00:53:01,680 --> 00:53:04,752
Let's hear it for Lili Von Shtupp!
776
00:53:05,320 --> 00:53:06,435
[CHEERING]
777
00:53:09,400 --> 00:53:10,629
[MUSIC PLAYING]
778
00:53:16,800 --> 00:53:20,680
[SINGING]
Here I stand, the goddess of desire
779
00:53:20,880 --> 00:53:23,110
Set men on fire
780
00:53:23,280 --> 00:53:25,794
I have this power
781
00:53:26,640 --> 00:53:30,474
Morning, noon and night
it's drink and dancing
782
00:53:30,680 --> 00:53:33,194
Some quick romancing
783
00:53:33,360 --> 00:53:36,113
And then a shower
784
00:53:36,400 --> 00:53:40,109
Stagedoor Johnnies
Constantly surround me
785
00:53:40,320 --> 00:53:45,633
They always hound me
With one request
786
00:53:45,800 --> 00:53:49,589
Who can satisfy their lustful habit?
787
00:53:49,760 --> 00:53:52,195
I'm not a rabbit
788
00:53:52,360 --> 00:53:58,629
I need some rest
789
00:54:01,840 --> 00:54:05,390
I'm tired
790
00:54:05,560 --> 00:54:09,679
Sick and tired of love
791
00:54:10,440 --> 00:54:13,990
I've had my fill of love
792
00:54:14,800 --> 00:54:19,510
From below and above
793
00:54:21,240 --> 00:54:23,311
Tired
794
00:54:23,480 --> 00:54:27,713
Tired of being admired
795
00:54:27,880 --> 00:54:32,397
Tired of love uninspired
796
00:54:33,040 --> 00:54:35,680
Let's face it
I'm tired
797
00:54:35,840 --> 00:54:37,319
[MEN SHOUTING]
798
00:54:37,480 --> 00:54:41,075
I've been with thousands of men
799
00:54:41,240 --> 00:54:43,356
Again and again
800
00:54:43,520 --> 00:54:46,319
They promise the moon
801
00:54:46,480 --> 00:54:50,030
They're always coming and going
802
00:54:50,200 --> 00:54:53,113
And going and coming
803
00:54:53,280 --> 00:54:56,113
And always too soon
804
00:54:56,280 --> 00:54:57,679
Right, girls?
805
00:54:57,840 --> 00:55:00,400
[SINGING]
I'm tired
806
00:55:00,560 --> 00:55:04,758
Tired of playing the game
807
00:55:04,920 --> 00:55:09,039
Ain't it a crying shame?
808
00:55:09,240 --> 00:55:12,870
I'm so tired
809
00:55:13,080 --> 00:55:15,230
Goddamn it, I'm exhausted.
810
00:55:15,400 --> 00:55:16,549
[MEN LAUGHING]
811
00:55:17,680 --> 00:55:20,911
- Hello, cowboy. What's your name?
- Tex, ma'am.
812
00:55:21,080 --> 00:55:24,516
Tex Ma'am? Tell me, Tex Ma'am...
813
00:55:24,680 --> 00:55:26,876
-...are you in show business?
- Nope.
814
00:55:27,040 --> 00:55:29,919
Well, then why don't you get
your frigging feet off the stage!
815
00:55:30,080 --> 00:55:31,400
[CHEERING AND LAUGHING]
816
00:55:34,800 --> 00:55:36,552
[SINGING]
817
00:55:43,880 --> 00:55:46,998
Hello, handsome.
Is that a 10-gallon hat...
818
00:55:47,160 --> 00:55:49,151
...or are you just enjoying the show?
819
00:55:49,360 --> 00:55:50,919
[ALL LAUGHING]
820
00:55:52,440 --> 00:55:54,909
[SINGING]
821
00:55:56,960 --> 00:56:01,238
- Oh, Miss Lili. Oh, my lovely baby.
- My God.
822
00:56:01,400 --> 00:56:02,993
Oh, my pussycat.
823
00:56:03,160 --> 00:56:04,355
[LAUGHING]
824
00:56:06,440 --> 00:56:08,795
Wanna dance, baby?
Oh!
825
00:56:10,120 --> 00:56:12,111
[SINGING]
Tired
826
00:56:12,280 --> 00:56:16,558
Tired of playing the game
827
00:56:16,720 --> 00:56:20,873
Ain't it a crying shame?
828
00:56:21,040 --> 00:56:25,796
I'm so tired
829
00:56:28,200 --> 00:56:30,635
[CROWD WHISTLING AND CHEERING]
830
00:56:31,480 --> 00:56:33,517
GUARDS [SINGING]: She's tired
- She's tired
831
00:56:33,680 --> 00:56:36,320
- Sick and tired of love
- Give her a break
832
00:56:36,480 --> 00:56:39,154
- She's had her fill of love
- She's not a snake
833
00:56:39,320 --> 00:56:43,234
- From below and above
- Can't you see she's sick?
834
00:56:43,400 --> 00:56:44,720
- Tired
- She's bushed
835
00:56:44,920 --> 00:56:47,480
- Tired of being admired
- Let her alone
836
00:56:47,640 --> 00:56:49,472
Tired of love uninspired
837
00:56:49,640 --> 00:56:51,995
- Don't you know?
GUARDS: She's tired
838
00:56:52,160 --> 00:56:53,833
Don't you know she's pooped?
839
00:56:54,000 --> 00:56:57,630
I've been with thousands of men
840
00:56:57,800 --> 00:56:59,837
Again and again
841
00:57:00,000 --> 00:57:02,833
They sing the same tune
842
00:57:03,320 --> 00:57:06,517
They start with Byron and Shelley
843
00:57:06,680 --> 00:57:11,197
Then jump on your belly
And bust your balloon
844
00:57:11,400 --> 00:57:12,674
Tired
845
00:57:12,840 --> 00:57:13,955
[GUNSHOTS]
846
00:57:15,680 --> 00:57:17,512
Tired
847
00:57:17,680 --> 00:57:21,878
Tired of playing the game
848
00:57:22,080 --> 00:57:26,313
Ain't it a frigging shame?
849
00:57:26,480 --> 00:57:28,994
I'm so--
850
00:57:29,160 --> 00:57:30,673
Let's face it...
851
00:57:30,880 --> 00:57:34,794
...everything below the waist
is kaput!
852
00:57:34,960 --> 00:57:38,590
GUARDS".
Tired
853
00:57:40,920 --> 00:57:42,911
[CHEERING]
854
00:58:08,960 --> 00:58:10,712
What's it say?
855
00:58:10,920 --> 00:58:13,560
"I must see you alone
in my dressing room...
856
00:58:13,760 --> 00:58:16,229
...right after the show."
857
00:58:21,240 --> 00:58:22,230
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
858
00:58:22,400 --> 00:58:23,754
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
859
00:58:23,920 --> 00:58:26,150
Welcome. Come on in.
860
00:58:30,600 --> 00:58:32,318
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
861
00:58:33,680 --> 00:58:35,910
Far out.
862
00:58:36,480 --> 00:58:38,153
For you.
863
00:58:38,320 --> 00:58:39,594
Ooh.
864
00:58:39,920 --> 00:58:42,116
A red rose.
865
00:58:42,280 --> 00:58:44,635
How romantic.
866
00:58:44,800 --> 00:58:46,871
Have a seat, sheriff.
867
00:58:52,560 --> 00:58:54,597
Won't you excuse me
for a moment...
868
00:58:54,800 --> 00:58:58,589
...while I slip into something
a little bit more comfortable?
869
00:59:00,440 --> 00:59:02,636
Bitte, baby.
870
00:59:02,800 --> 00:59:04,074
Oh.
871
00:59:09,440 --> 00:59:11,113
Why don't you...
872
00:59:11,280 --> 00:59:13,476
...loosen your bullets.
873
00:59:18,880 --> 00:59:21,793
Ah. I feel refreshed.
874
00:59:22,400 --> 00:59:25,199
Isn't it bright in here?
875
00:59:30,840 --> 00:59:33,832
LILI:
There. Isn't that better?
876
00:59:34,000 --> 00:59:35,798
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
877
00:59:35,960 --> 00:59:37,633
Pardon me, I'll be back in a moment.
878
00:59:37,840 --> 00:59:38,830
[CLATTERING]
879
00:59:39,000 --> 00:59:40,832
Goddamn it.
880
00:59:42,280 --> 00:59:45,830
- How's it going?
- He's like wet sauerkraut in my hands.
881
00:59:46,200 --> 00:59:49,318
- By morning, he will be my slave.
- Splendid.
882
00:59:49,520 --> 00:59:52,194
- Just let me have a little feel.
- Out of here!
883
00:59:52,400 --> 00:59:54,755
Where were we? Where are you?
884
00:59:54,920 --> 00:59:59,994
Ah. Oh, yes. Let me sit down
next to you.
885
01:00:00,360 --> 01:00:01,509
Uh...
886
01:00:01,680 --> 01:00:03,512
Tell me, schwarzie...
887
01:00:03,680 --> 01:00:08,834
...is it true what they say
about the way you people are gifted?
888
01:00:09,040 --> 01:00:10,519
[ZIPPER UNZIPS]
889
01:00:10,680 --> 01:00:12,910
Oh, it's true.
890
01:00:13,080 --> 01:00:14,559
It's true.
891
01:00:14,720 --> 01:00:18,076
It's true, it's true.
892
01:00:20,000 --> 01:00:22,310
Would you care for
another schnitzengruben?
893
01:00:22,480 --> 01:00:27,190
No, thank you.
Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.
894
01:00:27,360 --> 01:00:30,955
Well, then, how about a little...?
895
01:00:31,360 --> 01:00:32,998
[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]
896
01:00:33,520 --> 01:00:37,559
Baby, please, I am not from Havana.
897
01:00:37,720 --> 01:00:39,393
Excuse me, honey.
898
01:00:39,560 --> 01:00:43,713
Besides, I'm late for work.
I got some heavy chores to do.
899
01:00:43,880 --> 01:00:47,316
Will l...? Will I see you later?
900
01:00:47,480 --> 01:00:51,758
That all depends on how much
vitamin E I can get my hands on.
901
01:00:51,960 --> 01:00:54,554
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
902
01:00:54,720 --> 01:00:58,395
No, no, you mustn't go. I need you.
I never met nobody like you.
903
01:00:58,560 --> 01:01:00,790
I can't live without you.
904
01:01:00,960 --> 01:01:02,633
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
905
01:01:02,840 --> 01:01:08,074
Please, you're making
a German spectacle of yourself.
906
01:01:09,560 --> 01:01:11,790
Auf Wiedersehen, baby.
907
01:01:11,960 --> 01:01:13,951
[SOBBING]
908
01:01:18,760 --> 01:01:21,878
Oh, what a nice guy.
909
01:01:26,840 --> 01:01:27,910
[JIM CHUCKLES]
910
01:01:28,120 --> 01:01:33,274
Oh, dearie dear.
Look what the cat dragged in.
911
01:01:38,480 --> 01:01:39,675
[SIGHS]
912
01:01:43,960 --> 01:01:44,950
Hey-
913
01:01:45,120 --> 01:01:49,398
- What's happening in the clean world?
- Oh, bad news.
914
01:01:49,600 --> 01:01:54,470
I got a writ here for Mong0's release
signed by Hedley Lamarr himself.
915
01:01:56,640 --> 01:01:58,472
Hedley Lamarr?
916
01:01:58,640 --> 01:02:01,837
Why would a dude like Hedley Lamarr
care about Mongo?
917
01:02:02,000 --> 01:02:04,276
You got me.
918
01:02:05,240 --> 01:02:07,311
It's legal.
919
01:02:08,960 --> 01:02:13,272
Oh, them schnitzengrubens
can wipe you out.
920
01:02:19,680 --> 01:02:22,513
Wake-up time!
921
01:02:23,160 --> 01:02:24,434
[YAWNS]
922
01:02:27,240 --> 01:02:31,393
Okay, Mango, you're free to go.
923
01:02:31,840 --> 01:02:34,070
Mongo no go.
924
01:02:35,480 --> 01:02:40,554
Oh, come on, Mongo.
You a free man.
925
01:02:41,080 --> 01:02:43,833
Mongo stay with Sheriff Bart.
926
01:02:44,000 --> 01:02:47,356
Sheriff first man ever whip Mongo.
927
01:02:47,520 --> 01:02:51,753
Mongo impressed.
Have deep feelings for Sheriff Bart.
928
01:02:51,920 --> 01:02:53,115
[JIM CHUCKLES]
929
01:02:53,560 --> 01:02:56,074
Oh, you better watch out, big fella.
930
01:02:56,240 --> 01:02:59,312
I think Mongo's taken
a little fancy to you.
931
01:03:01,720 --> 01:03:03,199
Oh...
932
01:03:03,440 --> 01:03:06,239
Mongo straight.
933
01:03:07,360 --> 01:03:10,876
Listen, Mongo. Maybe you know.
934
01:03:11,040 --> 01:03:15,113
Why is a high roller like Hedley Lamarr
interested in Rock Ridge?
935
01:03:15,280 --> 01:03:17,157
Don't know.
936
01:03:17,320 --> 01:03:19,470
Got to do with where choo-choo go.
937
01:03:22,760 --> 01:03:27,038
Mongo, why would Hedley Lamarr care
about where the choo-choo go?
938
01:03:27,880 --> 01:03:29,996
Don't know.
939
01:03:30,920 --> 01:03:36,233
Mongo only pawn in game of life.
940
01:03:36,800 --> 01:03:40,714
Choo-choo. I think this might be
a good time to mosey out...
941
01:03:40,920 --> 01:03:45,835
...where they're building on the railroad
and maybe do a little snooping.
942
01:03:48,640 --> 01:03:50,438
[CHATTERING]
943
01:04:22,920 --> 01:04:25,514
Damn. Damn.
944
01:04:25,680 --> 01:04:27,034
Damn!
945
01:04:27,320 --> 01:04:29,914
How you doing?
Hey, how you doing, Bart?
946
01:04:30,080 --> 01:04:32,674
Hey, Bart! Hey!
947
01:04:32,960 --> 01:04:36,510
Hey, how you doing, Bart?
Woo! Get down off that horse.
948
01:04:36,720 --> 01:04:39,951
- What's happening?
- Yeah, man.
949
01:04:40,120 --> 01:04:43,954
- Yeah! What's going on, big dude?
- You shifty nigga!
950
01:04:44,120 --> 01:04:46,634
- They said you was hung!
- And they was right.
951
01:04:46,800 --> 01:04:50,111
Ooh, look at that star.
Hoo-ee! Civil Service.
952
01:04:50,320 --> 01:04:53,631
- Give me some more of that.
- All right, yeah.
953
01:04:53,800 --> 01:04:55,791
Wait, wait. Back off, scamp.
954
01:04:55,960 --> 01:04:59,112
You are addressing
the duly-appointed sheriff of Rock Ridge.
955
01:04:59,480 --> 01:05:02,871
Rook Ridge? Hey, the railroad's
going through there.
956
01:05:05,080 --> 01:05:06,912
[CHEERING]
957
01:05:09,040 --> 01:05:10,951
[YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
958
01:05:18,480 --> 01:05:21,632
Back up off him, brother!
Don't you rush him, brother...
959
01:05:21,800 --> 01:05:23,950
...and mess up the brother's fines.
960
01:05:24,120 --> 01:05:25,155
[HORSES APPROACHING]
961
01:05:38,400 --> 01:05:41,836
Well, holy mother of pearl.
962
01:05:42,040 --> 01:05:45,590
It's that nigger that went and hit me
on the head with a shovel.
963
01:05:45,760 --> 01:05:49,355
Now, what the hell do you think
you're doing with that tin star, boy?
964
01:05:49,520 --> 01:05:54,720
Watch that "boy" shit, redneck.
You talking to the sheriff of Rock Ridge.
965
01:05:56,560 --> 01:05:58,949
Well, now, if that don't beat all.
966
01:05:59,120 --> 01:06:01,270
Here we take the good time and trouble...
967
01:06:01,440 --> 01:06:05,559
...to slaughter every last Indian in the West,
and for what?
968
01:06:05,720 --> 01:06:10,749
So they can appoint a sheriff
that's blacker than any Indian.
969
01:06:10,920 --> 01:06:12,558
I am depressed.
970
01:06:12,720 --> 01:06:16,395
Excuse me, Mr. Taggart, sir,
but I sure do hate to see you like this.
971
01:06:16,560 --> 01:06:19,393
What if me and the boys
was to shoot that nigger dead?
972
01:06:19,560 --> 01:06:22,712
- Would that pep you up some?
- That might help.
973
01:06:22,880 --> 01:06:28,876
- All right, boys. On the count of three.
- I wouldn't do that if I were you.
974
01:06:29,480 --> 01:06:33,917
Don't pay no attention to that alky.
He can't hold a gun, much less shoot it.
975
01:06:36,920 --> 01:06:39,480
Like I said, on the count of three.
976
01:06:41,080 --> 01:06:42,309
One.
977
01:06:42,480 --> 01:06:43,675
[GUNS COCKING]
978
01:06:43,840 --> 01:06:45,399
Two.
979
01:06:45,840 --> 01:06:47,069
Three.
980
01:06:47,520 --> 01:06:48,590
[GUNSHOTS]
981
01:06:52,600 --> 01:06:54,079
[CHEERING]
982
01:06:57,920 --> 01:07:03,472
Well, don't just sit there looking stupid,
grasping your hands in pain.
983
01:07:03,640 --> 01:07:07,270
How about a little applause
for the Waco Kid?
984
01:07:08,040 --> 01:07:10,031
[WORKERS LAUGHING]
985
01:07:18,160 --> 01:07:21,357
All right, I'm through being Mr. Goodbar.
986
01:07:21,520 --> 01:07:25,514
The time has come to act, and act quickly.
All of my plans have backfired.
987
01:07:25,680 --> 01:07:28,149
Instead of leaving,
folks are staying in droves.
988
01:07:28,320 --> 01:07:32,393
Why don't you admit it.
He's too much of a man for you. I know.
989
01:07:32,560 --> 01:07:36,838
You gonna need an army to beat him.
You're finished.
990
01:07:37,000 --> 01:07:39,116
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
991
01:07:43,840 --> 01:07:46,434
[SINGING IN GERMAN]
992
01:07:47,800 --> 01:07:51,919
Shut up! You Teutonic twat.
993
01:07:52,080 --> 01:07:55,152
I must think.
994
01:08:01,840 --> 01:08:05,071
Wait a minute. She said "army."
995
01:08:05,240 --> 01:08:06,992
Of course.
996
01:08:07,160 --> 01:08:12,314
An army of the worst dregs
ever to soil the face of the West.
997
01:08:12,520 --> 01:08:15,194
- Taggart!
- Yes, sir?
998
01:08:15,560 --> 01:08:20,316
I've decided to launch an attack
that will reduce Rock Ridge to ashes.
999
01:08:20,480 --> 01:08:23,040
- What do you want me to do?
- Round up...
1000
01:08:23,240 --> 01:08:27,677
...every vicious criminal and gunslinger
in the West. Take this down.
1001
01:08:27,840 --> 01:08:32,357
I want rustlers, cutthroats,
murderers, bounty hunters...
1002
01:08:32,520 --> 01:08:37,071
...desperadoes, mugs, pugs, thugs,
nitwits, half-wits, dimwits...
1003
01:08:37,240 --> 01:08:42,030
...vipers, snipers, con men,
Indian agents, Mexican bandits...
1004
01:08:42,200 --> 01:08:45,591
...muggers, buggerers,
bushwhackers, hornswogglers...
1005
01:08:45,760 --> 01:08:49,355
...horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers,
bank robbers, asskickers...
1006
01:08:49,560 --> 01:08:52,473
...shitkickers and Methodists!
1007
01:08:52,640 --> 01:08:53,960
[CHUCKLING]
1008
01:08:54,760 --> 01:08:57,195
Could you repeat that, sir?
1009
01:09:06,400 --> 01:09:07,879
Where's everybody going?
1010
01:09:09,720 --> 01:09:10,994
Read this.
1011
01:09:21,240 --> 01:09:25,393
Well, can't you see that's the last act
of a desperate man?
1012
01:09:25,560 --> 01:09:30,509
We don't care if it's the first act
of Henry V. We're leaving.
1013
01:09:31,120 --> 01:09:35,557
Now, wait a minute.
Wait just one doggone minute here.
1014
01:09:36,000 --> 01:09:41,074
Just give me 24 hours to come up
with a brilliant idea to save our town.
1015
01:09:41,280 --> 01:09:45,990
- Just 24 hours, that's all I ask.
ALL: No!
1016
01:09:46,800 --> 01:09:52,193
- You'd do it for Randolph Scott.
ALL: Randolph Scott.
1017
01:09:54,440 --> 01:09:58,673
All right, sheriff, 24 hours.
1018
01:09:58,880 --> 01:10:00,200
[CHATTERING]
1019
01:10:13,520 --> 01:10:16,034
[CHATTERING IN GERMAN]
1020
01:10:31,520 --> 01:10:33,511
[CHATTERING IN SPANISH]
1021
01:10:41,360 --> 01:10:44,000
[CHATTERING IN ARABIC]
1022
01:10:49,480 --> 01:10:52,120
KLAN MEMBER:
Black son of a bitch! I ought to--
1023
01:10:57,960 --> 01:10:59,758
Next!
1024
01:11:00,080 --> 01:11:04,313
- Qualifications?
- Rape, murder, arson and rape.
1025
01:11:04,680 --> 01:11:08,992
- You said "rape" twice.
- I like rape.
1026
01:11:09,840 --> 01:11:14,073
- He'll do.
- Charming. Sign right here.
1027
01:11:14,520 --> 01:11:16,989
Take that badge.
1028
01:11:17,160 --> 01:11:19,037
Next!
1029
01:11:19,960 --> 01:11:21,189
Qualifications?
1030
01:11:21,440 --> 01:11:24,956
Arson, armed robbery, mayhem--
1031
01:11:25,120 --> 01:11:28,829
Wait a moment.
What have you got in your mouth?
1032
01:11:30,520 --> 01:11:35,230
- Nothing.
- Nothing, eh? Lyle.
1033
01:11:37,200 --> 01:11:41,239
- Gum.
- Chewing gum on line, eh?
1034
01:11:41,440 --> 01:11:44,876
I hope you brought enough
for everybody.
1035
01:11:46,360 --> 01:11:49,113
I didn't know there was gonna be
so many.
1036
01:11:53,720 --> 01:11:55,950
Boy, is he strict.
1037
01:11:56,160 --> 01:12:00,074
We gotta get in there close
and find out what's happening.
1038
01:12:01,080 --> 01:12:02,479
There's our ticket.
1039
01:12:09,240 --> 01:12:10,560
Hey, boys!
1040
01:12:12,040 --> 01:12:14,759
Look what I got here.
1041
01:12:15,680 --> 01:12:17,671
Hey, where the white women at?
1042
01:12:27,840 --> 01:12:29,353
[CLATTERING AND GRUNTING]
1043
01:12:31,840 --> 01:12:33,911
BART:
Man, that was pretty. I liked that.
1044
01:12:34,920 --> 01:12:39,756
Be ready to attack Rock Ridge
at noon tomorrow. Here's your badge.
1045
01:12:40,600 --> 01:12:42,352
Badges?
1046
01:12:42,520 --> 01:12:46,275
We don't need no stinking badges!
1047
01:12:47,360 --> 01:12:48,589
TAG GART:
Next!
1048
01:12:48,920 --> 01:12:52,072
- Qualifications?
BART: Stampeding cattle.
1049
01:12:52,240 --> 01:12:55,631
- That's not much of a crime.
BART: Through the Vatican?
1050
01:12:55,960 --> 01:12:59,715
Kinky. Sign here.
1051
01:13:00,320 --> 01:13:02,596
JIM: Why, Rhett, how many times
have I told you...
1052
01:13:02,760 --> 01:13:05,479
...to wash up after weekly cross-burning?
1053
01:13:05,640 --> 01:13:07,836
See? It's coming off.
1054
01:13:08,000 --> 01:13:09,115
[GASPING]
1055
01:13:09,320 --> 01:13:13,029
And now, for my next impression,
Jesse Owens.
1056
01:13:13,480 --> 01:13:16,552
Seize them! Catch them! Get them!
1057
01:13:16,720 --> 01:13:22,318
Mount up, men!
We'll head them off at the pass!
1058
01:13:22,480 --> 01:13:26,439
"Head them off at the pass"?
I hate that cliché.
1059
01:13:26,600 --> 01:13:28,477
[GUNSHOT AND TAGGART SCREAMS]
1060
01:13:38,800 --> 01:13:40,029
[CHARLIE SNORING]
1061
01:13:43,960 --> 01:13:45,314
What you--?
1062
01:13:45,520 --> 01:13:48,672
- Say hello.
- Hello.
1063
01:13:48,840 --> 01:13:51,150
Listen to me, and listen to me good.
1064
01:13:51,360 --> 01:13:53,271
Get all the brothers together.
1065
01:13:53,440 --> 01:13:57,832
Round up all the lumber, canvas, paint
and nails you can lay your hands on...
1066
01:13:58,000 --> 01:14:03,154
...and meet me tonight, three miles
due east of Rock Ridge at midnight.
1067
01:14:03,320 --> 01:14:07,314
- You understand? Say goodbye.
- Goodbye.
1068
01:14:07,480 --> 01:14:09,676
Thanks a lot, brother.
1069
01:14:13,200 --> 01:14:14,554
CHARLIE: Get up.
- What's happening?
1070
01:14:14,760 --> 01:14:18,355
CHARLIE: Get up, man. Listen, we gotta
get some nails, canvas and a wagon.
1071
01:14:18,960 --> 01:14:20,519
[CHATTERING]
1072
01:14:37,600 --> 01:14:40,718
Folks, I know you're confused,
wondering what you're doing...
1073
01:14:40,880 --> 01:14:45,477
...in the prairie in the middle of the night.
ALL: You bet your ass!
1074
01:14:45,640 --> 01:14:47,074
I'm hip.
1075
01:14:47,240 --> 01:14:50,949
Now, before the sun comes up,
we're gonna build on this site...
1076
01:14:51,120 --> 01:14:55,079
...an exact replica of the town
of Rock Ridge.
1077
01:14:55,240 --> 01:14:56,958
[CHATTERING]
1078
01:14:58,000 --> 01:15:01,470
Every building, every storefront,
every rock and every tree...
1079
01:15:01,680 --> 01:15:05,355
...right down to the orange roof
on Howard Johnson's outhouse.
1080
01:15:05,560 --> 01:15:06,675
Ah!
1081
01:15:06,840 --> 01:15:10,515
I get it! Tomorrow, when Hedley Lamarr
and his men come riding in...
1082
01:15:10,680 --> 01:15:14,514
...to destroy the real Rock Ridge,
they'll destroy the fake Rock Ridge.
1083
01:15:14,680 --> 01:15:18,913
They'll think it's the real Rock Ridge,
but we'll know it's the fake Rock Ridge.
1084
01:15:19,080 --> 01:15:22,675
How are we gonna do it?
We ain't got the time or the people.
1085
01:15:22,840 --> 01:15:25,275
Wrong! There's why.
1086
01:15:28,000 --> 01:15:30,389
HOWARD:
Who the hell are they?
1087
01:15:31,120 --> 01:15:32,599
[CHATTERING]
1088
01:15:33,680 --> 01:15:35,512
BART:
Railroad workers.
1089
01:15:35,680 --> 01:15:38,911
They've agreed to help us
make our dream come true.
1090
01:15:39,080 --> 01:15:43,790
All they ask in return is a little plot of land
they can call their own to homestead.
1091
01:15:43,960 --> 01:15:45,917
Now, what do you say?
1092
01:15:46,080 --> 01:15:47,354
Um...
1093
01:15:47,560 --> 01:15:49,039
[CHATTERING]
1094
01:15:51,080 --> 01:15:56,473
All right. We'll give some land
to the niggers and the Chinks...
1095
01:15:56,640 --> 01:15:58,995
...but we don't want the Irish.
1096
01:15:59,200 --> 01:16:01,555
[CHATTERING]
1097
01:16:03,640 --> 01:16:05,597
CHARLIE: Everybody. Come on.
- No deal.
1098
01:16:06,400 --> 01:16:08,869
Ah, prairie shit.
1099
01:16:09,080 --> 01:16:10,309
Everybody.
1100
01:16:10,480 --> 01:16:12,471
[CHEERING AND CHATTERING]
1101
01:16:14,560 --> 01:16:16,631
REVEREND:
Oh, Lord!
1102
01:16:16,840 --> 01:16:18,990
Do we have the strength...
1103
01:16:19,160 --> 01:16:24,075
...to carry on this mighty task
in one night?
1104
01:16:24,320 --> 01:16:29,998
- Or are we just jerking off?
ALL: Amen.
1105
01:16:34,360 --> 01:16:36,476
[HAMMERING]
1106
01:16:37,360 --> 01:16:40,352
BART:
Okay, okay. We have done it.
1107
01:16:40,520 --> 01:16:42,591
Now let's see what we have done.
1108
01:16:43,360 --> 01:16:45,431
[CHATTERING]
1109
01:17:16,160 --> 01:17:18,436
[CHEERING]
1110
01:17:22,760 --> 01:17:27,391
HEDLEY: Men, you are about
to embark on a great crusade...
1111
01:17:28,200 --> 01:17:30,874
...to stamp out runaway decency
in the West.
1112
01:17:31,360 --> 01:17:33,829
Now, you will only be risking your lives...
1113
01:17:34,040 --> 01:17:39,558
...whilst I will be risking an almost certain
Academy Award nomination...
1114
01:17:39,720 --> 01:17:41,916
...for Best Supporting Actor.
1115
01:17:42,080 --> 01:17:44,230
Now raise your right hand
for the pledge.
1116
01:17:46,480 --> 01:17:48,437
Right!
1117
01:17:49,320 --> 01:17:53,393
- Now repeat after me. I...
ALL: I...
1118
01:17:53,600 --> 01:17:56,240
...your name...
ALL: ...your name...
1119
01:17:56,440 --> 01:17:58,397
Schmucks.
1120
01:17:58,560 --> 01:18:01,552
- Pledge allegiance...
ALL: Pledge allegiance...
1121
01:18:01,720 --> 01:18:05,076
...to Hedley Lamarr...
ALL: ...to Hedy Lamarr...
1122
01:18:05,280 --> 01:18:08,591
- That's "Hedley"!
ALL: That's Hedley!
1123
01:18:08,760 --> 01:18:12,276
- And to the evil...
ALL: And to the evil...
1124
01:18:12,440 --> 01:18:15,751
...for which he stands.
ALL: ...for which he stands.
1125
01:18:15,960 --> 01:18:19,555
Now go do that voodoo...
1126
01:18:19,720 --> 01:18:23,679
...that you do so well!
1127
01:18:23,880 --> 01:18:26,030
[CHEERING AND GUNSHOTS]
1128
01:18:31,040 --> 01:18:33,429
BART:
Hold it! Hold it!
1129
01:18:33,640 --> 01:18:37,759
Hold the happiness. We are in trouble.
1130
01:18:38,000 --> 01:18:40,640
Yep, we forgot one little detail.
1131
01:18:40,800 --> 01:18:44,589
N0thing's missing. Everything's here,
down to the last hitching post.
1132
01:18:45,120 --> 01:18:50,559
- People. There's no people.
- Hey, now, don't panic. Don't panic.
1133
01:18:50,720 --> 01:18:53,633
We just made a perfect copy
of Rock Ridge.
1134
01:18:53,800 --> 01:18:57,714
Now all we've got to do
is make perfect copies of ourselves.
1135
01:18:58,320 --> 01:19:00,994
But they'll be here in half an hour.
1136
01:19:01,160 --> 01:19:03,390
Right, so we've got to start working fast.
1137
01:19:03,560 --> 01:19:07,838
You men start working on the dummies.
Jim and Mongo, come with me.
1138
01:19:08,000 --> 01:19:11,516
I got an idea that'll slow them down
to a crawl.
1139
01:19:11,720 --> 01:19:13,996
MAN 1: All right, let's go.
MAN 2: You guys go over there.
1140
01:19:14,160 --> 01:19:15,355
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
1141
01:19:21,080 --> 01:19:23,435
Yeah, that's nice. That's nice.
1142
01:19:23,640 --> 01:19:25,074
[CHUCKLING]
1143
01:19:41,520 --> 01:19:42,919
TAGGART:
Whoa!
1144
01:19:45,200 --> 01:19:47,714
Le Petomane Thruway?!
1145
01:19:47,880 --> 01:19:50,679
Now, what will that asshole think of next?
1146
01:19:52,560 --> 01:19:56,076
- Has anybody got a dime?
MAN: I don't have any change.
1147
01:19:56,240 --> 01:19:59,232
Somebody's gotta go back
and get a shitload of dimes.
1148
01:19:59,440 --> 01:20:01,317
[ALL CLAMORING]
1149
01:20:08,800 --> 01:20:12,714
Hurry up. Speed it up.
Hell, we ain't ever gonna get to Rock Ridge.
1150
01:20:12,880 --> 01:20:16,236
Come on, move them through.
Move them through.
1151
01:20:22,240 --> 01:20:25,153
JIM:
Well, they're through the tollbooth.
1152
01:20:25,320 --> 01:20:26,594
[BART CHUCKLES]
1153
01:20:26,800 --> 01:20:29,314
BART:
Look at this, they're buying it.
1154
01:20:29,720 --> 01:20:31,119
[MEN SHOUTING]
1155
01:20:31,280 --> 01:20:32,554
[GUNSHOTS]
1156
01:20:39,400 --> 01:20:43,075
All right, here we go.
Hold your ears, folks.
1157
01:20:43,240 --> 01:20:45,914
It's showtime.
1158
01:20:49,720 --> 01:20:52,439
OLSON: Nothing.
- What are we gonna do?
1159
01:20:52,600 --> 01:20:56,878
Any minute now they're gonna discover
that the town is fake and pull out.
1160
01:20:57,080 --> 01:21:00,710
Jim, baby. You think you could squeeze off
a little shot from here...
1161
01:21:00,880 --> 01:21:03,952
...and set off the dynamite down there?
1162
01:21:04,120 --> 01:21:06,634
I'll give it a try.
1163
01:21:16,040 --> 01:21:19,556
REVEREND:
Oh, Lord! Keep this man's eye keen.
1164
01:21:19,720 --> 01:21:22,473
And may God grant--
1165
01:21:22,880 --> 01:21:24,678
[GUNSHOTS]
1166
01:21:33,760 --> 01:21:35,319
TAGGART:
It's a fake!
1167
01:21:35,480 --> 01:21:37,153
We've been suckered in!
1168
01:21:50,200 --> 01:21:51,793
[CHEERING]
1169
01:21:53,840 --> 01:21:58,073
Okay, folks, let's wipe them out!
1170
01:22:04,880 --> 01:22:06,996
[TOWNSPEOPLE YELLING]
1171
01:22:22,200 --> 01:22:23,838
Forgive me, Lord!
1172
01:22:30,240 --> 01:22:31,878
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
1173
01:22:35,600 --> 01:22:37,830
WOMAN:
You son of a bitch!
1174
01:22:46,480 --> 01:22:48,630
Oh, sorry. Sorry.
1175
01:22:51,960 --> 01:22:53,997
[SINGING]
1176
01:23:27,400 --> 01:23:29,676
[SINGING "THE FRENCH MISTAKE"]
1177
01:23:37,160 --> 01:23:39,629
BUDDY:
All right, cut!
1178
01:23:43,520 --> 01:23:46,080
Wrong!
1179
01:23:46,760 --> 01:23:51,436
Okay. Just watch me. It's so simple.
1180
01:23:51,600 --> 01:23:53,432
You sissy Marys.
1181
01:23:53,600 --> 01:23:58,197
Give me the playback!
And watch me, faggots.
1182
01:23:58,360 --> 01:23:59,395
[MUSIC PLAYING]
1183
01:23:59,560 --> 01:24:01,676
[LIP-SYNCHING
"THE FRENCH MISTAKE"]
1184
01:24:07,320 --> 01:24:08,310
[WATER SPLASHES]
1185
01:24:08,520 --> 01:24:09,590
[MEN GASPING]
1186
01:24:09,760 --> 01:24:11,398
Shit.
1187
01:24:11,560 --> 01:24:14,598
- Have you got it?
ALL: Yesssss.
1188
01:24:14,760 --> 01:24:17,036
Sounds like steam escaping.
1189
01:24:17,200 --> 01:24:21,353
Action! Okay, wait till I get out.
Wait till I get out.
1190
01:24:21,520 --> 01:24:25,593
Okay. Playback!
1191
01:24:27,080 --> 01:24:28,195
[MUSIC PLAYING]
1192
01:24:29,360 --> 01:24:31,317
[ALL SINGING "THE FRENCH MISTAKE"]
1193
01:24:34,480 --> 01:24:35,959
[MUSIC AND SINGING STOP]
1194
01:24:36,120 --> 01:24:38,031
[SHOUTING, GRUNTING
AND GUNSHOTS]
1195
01:24:50,960 --> 01:24:52,553
Cut!
1196
01:24:52,720 --> 01:24:58,079
What in the hell do you think
you're doing here? This is a closed set!
1197
01:24:58,280 --> 01:25:03,036
- Piss on you. I'm working for Mel Brooks.
- Not in the face!
1198
01:25:03,240 --> 01:25:04,992
[PERFORMERS GASPING]
1199
01:25:05,200 --> 01:25:06,520
Thank you.
1200
01:25:06,680 --> 01:25:09,354
They've hit Buddy! Come on, girls!
1201
01:25:09,520 --> 01:25:11,079
[ALL SHOUTING]
1202
01:25:17,560 --> 01:25:19,198
[MAN SCREAMS
AND TAGGART LAUGHS]
1203
01:25:19,360 --> 01:25:24,719
- You vulgar shit!
- Why, you miserable pansy.
1204
01:25:28,800 --> 01:25:30,632
I'm parked over by the commissary.
1205
01:25:35,200 --> 01:25:38,830
You brute, you brute, you brute.
You vicious brute!
1206
01:25:39,000 --> 01:25:40,320
[SOBBING]
1207
01:25:40,480 --> 01:25:42,790
All right. All right.
1208
01:25:56,920 --> 01:26:01,915
- How many days do you have left, Joey?
- They lose me right after the bunker scene.
1209
01:26:02,080 --> 01:26:03,912
[CLATTERING]
1210
01:26:04,160 --> 01:26:05,389
What the hell is that?
1211
01:26:06,000 --> 01:26:07,149
[SHOUTING]
1212
01:26:11,240 --> 01:26:14,870
Get your pies for the great pie fight!
1213
01:26:18,440 --> 01:26:22,035
This is our studio Commissary,
where some Hollywood stars eat.
1214
01:26:22,200 --> 01:26:23,270
Keep in line.
1215
01:26:30,440 --> 01:26:33,114
And now we'll go to
the special-effects department.
1216
01:26:37,840 --> 01:26:41,276
CASHIER: Yankee bean soup,
coleslaw and tuna surprise.
1217
01:26:45,320 --> 01:26:47,231
[MOUTHING]
What the fuck's all--?
1218
01:27:02,800 --> 01:27:03,995
[SHOUTING AND SCREAMING]
1219
01:27:21,640 --> 01:27:23,836
Taxi!
1220
01:27:28,120 --> 01:27:30,680
Drive me off this picture.
1221
01:27:59,120 --> 01:28:02,511
You dropped your beads.
One, please.
1222
01:28:03,040 --> 01:28:04,075
Uh...
1223
01:28:04,240 --> 01:28:07,232
- Student?
CASHIER: Are you kidding?
1224
01:28:08,760 --> 01:28:10,034
Pain in the ass.
1225
01:28:10,400 --> 01:28:15,076
- Look, Herman, I'm in Hedy Lamarr's shoes!
- Hedley.
1226
01:28:16,520 --> 01:28:18,079
[cows MOOING]
1227
01:28:18,240 --> 01:28:20,231
Raisinets.
1228
01:28:29,120 --> 01:28:32,636
MAN: Hey, watch out. Hey, you.
- Sorry.
1229
01:28:39,880 --> 01:28:41,678
Shit.
1230
01:28:43,160 --> 01:28:44,912
BART: Freeze it.
- Oh!
1231
01:28:45,080 --> 01:28:49,233
- Okay, Lamarr, go for your gun.
- Wait, wait, wait.
1232
01:28:49,400 --> 01:28:55,112
- I'm unarmed.
- All right, we'll settle it like men.
1233
01:28:55,920 --> 01:28:57,638
With our fists.
1234
01:28:57,800 --> 01:29:01,998
Sorry, I just remembered.
I am armed.
1235
01:29:05,160 --> 01:29:06,594
[GRUNTING]
1236
01:29:09,080 --> 01:29:14,280
HEDLEY: How did he do such
fantastic stunts with such little feet?
1237
01:29:19,080 --> 01:29:22,869
Wow. You shot the bad guy.
1238
01:29:24,800 --> 01:29:27,952
JIM: What do you wanna do now?
- Let's check out the end of the flick.
1239
01:29:28,120 --> 01:29:32,432
Yeah. Gee, I sure hope there's a
happy ending. I love a happy ending.
1240
01:29:34,160 --> 01:29:35,958
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLING]
1241
01:29:37,920 --> 01:29:41,117
Sheriff, you can't go now. We need you.
1242
01:29:41,640 --> 01:29:45,952
My work here is done.
I'm needed elsewhere now.
1243
01:29:46,120 --> 01:29:49,078
I'm needed wherever outlaws
rule the West.
1244
01:29:49,240 --> 01:29:53,632
Wherever innocent women and children
are afraid to walk the streets.
1245
01:29:53,800 --> 01:29:56,792
Wherever a man cannot live
in simple dignity.
1246
01:29:56,960 --> 01:30:01,238
And wherever a people
cry out for justice.
1247
01:30:01,640 --> 01:30:03,836
ALL:
Bullshit.
1248
01:30:05,760 --> 01:30:07,398
All right, you caught me.
1249
01:30:07,560 --> 01:30:10,996
Speak the plain truth,
it's getting pretty damn dull around here.
1250
01:30:11,160 --> 01:30:14,710
Good luck, Bart. And God bless you.
1251
01:30:15,600 --> 01:30:16,670
Oh.
1252
01:30:16,920 --> 01:30:19,150
Oh, Bart!
1253
01:30:19,720 --> 01:30:22,155
Bye, baby bro.
1254
01:30:23,200 --> 01:30:27,273
- Keep the faith, brothers!
ALL: Bye!
1255
01:30:41,360 --> 01:30:42,919
Where you headed, cowboy?
1256
01:30:44,280 --> 01:30:45,600
Nowhere special.
1257
01:30:48,440 --> 01:30:51,273
Nowhere special.
1258
01:30:51,440 --> 01:30:53,511
I always wanted to go there.
1259
01:30:55,280 --> 01:30:56,793
Come on.
1260
01:32:50,440 --> 01:32:52,431
[English - US - SDH]
92317
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