All language subtitles for Everybody.Loves.Raymond.S01E20.Neighbors.720p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-BS

- All right, tommy,
you know, I've been trying

To get you
to come over here for years,

Just to try my sauce.

It's the only thing
I make, really.

- Yeah, well, I got
a lot more time now.

You know, this is
my whole life lately.

I go to friends' houses
and taste their food.

To me, it's more relaxing
than managing.

- Here.
Here you go.

What do you think of that?

- You made this sauce?
- Yeah, yeah.

It's my mother's recipe.

- I got to tell you,
it's a little bush league.

Come on over here.

- What are you talking about?

- Well, it needs
more seasoning.

Okay, put a little
hot pepper in it.

All right,
now let me see you stir.

- Oh, you know, I just stir.

- Hey, look at the way
you're holding the spoon.

Choke up on it a little.

Okay, get your head down,
all right.

Bend your knees,
follow through,

And give me
some more stirring power,

And get your elbow up.

- I thought you just
wanted to relax.

- Hey, keep your eye
on the sauce.

Rookies.

- Hi, I'm ray,

And I live here
in long island

With my wife, debra.

She's great
with the kids,

The house,
everything.

Oh, I don't know
how she does it.

We've got
a daughter, ally,

And twin
two-year-old boys.

It's not really
about the kids.

My parents live
across the street.

That's right,

And my brother
lives with them.

Now, not every family

Would go by
on a conveyer belt for you,

But mine would,
because--

- Everybody
loves raymond.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- [gasp]

God, ray, what is that?

- Oh, no.

It's coming
from my parents' house.

My father put in one of those
new motion-sensor lights.

- God, it's like the mother ship
is landing.

- I told them not
to make it so sensitive.

A moth probably flew by.

Let's see
what's out there.

- What do you see?

- I think I saw my own retina.

- What's your father doing?

- His stupid car
is on the street,

Is going to keep people
from stealing it.

- Well, why doesn't
he just get a car alarm?

[car alarm sounds]

[buzz saw revving]

- Your father
is driving me nuts, ray.

Did you call him?

- Nobody's answering.

They're probably deaf
by now.

Why is he woodworking
at 7:30 in the morning?

- Because some genius gave him
the big book of hobbies.

So he'd stop coming
over here and annoying us.

- Yeah, so now he's--

[buzz saw revs]

So now he's--

[revving]
so now he's--

[revving]

Good idea, ray!

- You had to give him
the big book of hobbies.

I'm going upstairs
to take a nap.

[revving]

Oh, god,
it's loud here too.

- What'd you do
to your nose, robert?

- Dad's car alarm
woke me up last night.

I ran outside
to turn it off,

Forgot we had
an oak tree.

Thank you
very much, raymond.

- How is your nose
my fault?

- If dad hadn't turned
his garage into a workshop,

He wouldn't have to park
on the street,

And he wouldn't need
a car alarm

That goes off
every time I blow my nose,

Which now, thanks to you,
involves blood.

I'm a cop.

I need my sleep.

- Hey, I'm a working man too,
you know?

- Oh, yeah. Sportswriter.
Tough job.

A lot of shoot-outs
at the computer?

- Did you talk
to your mom, robert?

- Well, since dad's
in the garage all day,

I'm the only one
she has to talk to.

At least the buzz saw
has an off switch.

- What are you doing
in your pajamas?

- Oh, dad, it's a little early
for woodworking, isn't it?

- Not for me.

I've never felt so alive.

You know the satisfaction

Of doing something
with your own two hands?

- I'm imagining it right now.

- I love
the big book of hobbies.

The best gift
you ever gave me.

Oh, oh, hey,
where's the drill?

- In the garage.

- Great, great.
Thanks.

[humming
"ride of the valkyries"]

[telephone rings]
- oh, oh!

- Hello.

Oh, hi.

It's ruth green
from two doors down.

[clears throat]
yeah?

Oh, yeah,
we heard the sawing too.

[frank humming loudly]

Uh-huh.
Yeah, that's him singing.

Uh-huh.

Oh.

Okay, well,
I'll discuss it with ray.

Yeah.

Thanks for calling, ruth.
Bye-bye.

Oh, great.

Now the neighbors
want to come over here tonight

To discuss your parents.

- Discuss my parents?

- This is so embarrassing.

She actually said,
"your family,"

Like I have anything
to do with it.

- Who are these people
to discuss my parents?

- I should have kept
my maiden name.

- I don't want them here.

I don't want them over
at the house.

- You know what, ray?

I don't think
it's such a bad idea.

I mean, you got to admit,

Your father's been
making a lot of noise,

And your mother
is bit of a meddler.

- They're not so bad

That we have to have
a meeting.

What are they going to do,

Come over with torches
and pitchforks?

- No, they just
want to come over

To discuss the problem,

And you got to admit
there's a problem.

I mean, they wouldn't
have to be calling a meeting

If the whole thing hadn't
gotten completely intolerable.

Just want to come over
to ask for our help,

And I think
the least we can do

Is listen to what
they have to say.

- Look, I don't think
a meeting is necessary, really.

- Okay.
- Look me in the eye right now.

I don't think
we have to do this,

But you know what?
I'll do this for you.

- Thanks.
- Okay.

- Look, we all want to live
in peace and friendship,

And, ray and debra, you've
always been good neighbors.

- Thank you. I just--

- I was talking.

And so, since you two
are so close to the problem,

We were hoping that maybe
you could get through to them.

- Okay, all right.
I understand.

You're talking
about the noise:

The car alarm,
the buzz saw, my mom.

I'm going to handle it, okay?

Good meeting.
Thank you very much.

You know, take some cookies.
My mom made those.

They're pretty good.

- Well, there's more to it
than just the noise, ray.

- Oh.

- You know your father's
leaf blower?

Last week,
he blew everything

From his lawn onto mine,

Including a dead chipmunk.

- You're right.

Nobody should
blow rodents around.

- And your mother
accepts my packages,

And then she neglects
to inform me.

- Yeah, you're mad now,

But when one of those
babies explodes,

You're going to thank her, huh?

- We're very serious, ray.

We hope that you will talk
to your parents

About all these things

Because we don't want to have
to go to the--extreme.

- I don't get it.
What are you talking about?

- We could initiate
legal action

And try to get your parents
out of the neighborhood.

- Is that possible?

No. I--

I'm just asking
a question.

- Nobody really
wants that to happen.

I--I mean, they're older people.

Where would they go?

- Florida.

- What are you doing?

- It's warm in florida.

- Yeah, all right, listen,
let's back up here a second.

They--they make a little noise,

And they can be a little--
irksome sometimes,

But come on, let's look
at their good points too.

They recycle.

They're not cannibals.

- I didn't want
to have to show this,

But--I have a tape.

- They are cannibals?

- This is your father
getting his morning paper.

- You're videotaping
my father?

- I shot this over the course
of several mornings.

There it is.

Exhibit "a."

- Ooh!

- Is that a tattoo?

- No.

All:
Eww!

- Look at what
your father made.

Oh, hi!

- Isn't this a beauty?

Ooh.

Ooh!

[chuckling]
hey. Whoops!

Little, uh--
porno party.

- Come on outside, dad.
Show me where this goes.

Come on, help me to
put it up in the tree.

- Who's the fat ass?

- Frank.

- Holy crap.

What the hell
is going on here?

- Nothing.

We're just having a few laughs,
you know.

- Uh, the truth is that
certain people around here

Have some complaints
about you.

- Which certain people?
- Them.

- Marie, this is not
what it looks like.

- It looks like my son
is plotting against us

And serving my cookies.

You're serving my cookies
at your rally?

- You took sides
against the family.

- Dad, I was defending you.

- Against the family!

- Dad, it's not--

- I want the tape.

Give me the tape.

- All right,
take it easy, mom.

- How do you work
these damn machines?

- All right, easy, ma.
I'll do it.

- Ooh, I hate
these damn machines.

- Ma, don't pull the plug.

- How could you?

- Ma.

Okay, that went well.

- Debra.

Debra.

Debra.

- What?

What is the matter?

- I can't sleep.
- Why not?

- My dad's car alarm.

- It's not going off.

- Exactly.

I-I can't stand it.

It's just--
it's too quiet over there.

- Maybe I can help you, ray.

Whoo, whoo, whoo!

Wee-ooh,
wee-ooh, wee-ooh!

Good night.

- That didn't help.

I still hear
my own guilt.

- Oh, ray, you have
nothing to be guilty of.

You didn't do anything.

I had a rally against
my parents in my own house.

Didn't you see them?
They were really hurt.

My mother was running
with the vcr.

- Honey, I know.
Look, I mean, I felt bad too,

But maybe that's the only way
to get through to them.

- I hurt them.

[thump]

I hurt myself.

- Ray, you've got nothing
to feel guilty for.

As a matter of fact,
you were defending them.

- Oh, that doesn't matter.

Guilt is just a way of life
for me.

I was trained by masters.

My mother,
my father, the pope.

- [sighs]

Listen.
Just enjoy the quiet, okay?

Go to sleep.

- Wee-ooh, wee-ooh.

Hello.

Hello.

What's this?

They killed themselves,

And robert made 'em
into sandwiches.

Hi.

- Hello.

- Listen.

I know you're hurt,

But there's something
you should understand.

We didn't plan
that meeting, you know.

The neighbors
just came over.

- We're not hurt, dear.

The neighbors were right.

- Right?
- Mm-hmm.

- Hey, we're not perfect.

- What?

- We just didn't know how
our behavior affected others.

These people around here
are very nice.

- So everything's okay with you?

- Yes.

- Water under the bridge.

- Well, good.

I'm glad you feel that way.

I thought you might
still be upset.

You know, that meeting
was supposed to be constructive.

- And it was.

- Very constructive.

- So you're not mad at the--

- We really don't have
anything more to say, ray.

- Oh.

Hey, you got some
big sandwiches here.

- Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

That's for the neighbors.

- The neighbors
are coming over?

- Yeah, it's the least
we could do

For all the trouble
we've caused.

- Since when do you care
about the trouble?

[knocking on door]

- Oh, there they are. Hi.

Hi.
- Hi.

- Oh, welcome,
welcome.

Hi, how are
you doing?

- Ooh, champagne.
That's fabulous.

- Hi, hi, hi.
Oh, wow, thanks a lot.

- Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

You're all friends now?

- Here's the ice.

- Oh, darling, fabulous.

- Great job, son.
Great job.

- Thanks for stopping by, ray.

[overlapping conversations]

- Can't sleep, huh?

- It's in the bible.
Honor thy mother.

- What about the father?

- Okay, him too.

- I didn't do anything.

- Ray!

- I'm coming.

I know, I know.

- Oh, hi.
Sorry, father.

I thought this was
the confessional.

- This is
the confessional.

- Well, where's the--
the booth with the--

The kneeler
and the sliding window

Through which
you can't see me?

- You haven't been here
in awhile, have you?

- About 20 years.

I've been good.

- Well.
[clears throat]

Would you like
to have a seat?

- Oh, I start, right?
I start, okay.

Uh--

Bless me, father,
for I have sinned.

It's been--
well, you know,

A long time since
my last confession.

Let's see.

I've cursed--

About 90,000 times,

Ate a lot of meat
on fridays.

- Oh, we abolished that rule
a long time ago.

- Wow, you guys
are changing everything.

- Now what--what really brings
you here after 20 years?

- All right, the thing is,

I think I broke
one of the commandments,

The one about honor thy father
and thy mother.

- Really?

- That's bad, huh?

- I just don't
get that one a lot--

At least not from someone
in your age group.

You're more in the
"covet thy neighbor's wife"

Phase of life.

- You know, it's not
that I don't love

My mother and my father.

It's just that it's very hard
to honor them.

- Oh.

You're trying
to put them in a home.

- No, no, no.

Wanted to throw them
out of the neighborhood,

And even though
I was defending them

And the neighbors
are okay now,

I just--
I still feel guilty.

- It doesn't sound like
you did anything wrong.

- Well, then how come
I feel so lousy?

- Maybe your guilt's
coming from a deeper place.

- What do you mean?

- How do you feel
about your parents?

- What are you saying?

Are you saying
that maybe I feel this way

Because deep down, I think
the neighbors are right?

That part of me
wants to throw them

Out of the neighborhood too?

That--that they've been just
driving me crazy my whole life?

Is that--that's what
you're saying, isn't it?

- We all have these kinds
of feelings from time to time.

You know, there was a man

On our church council
a few years ago,

A decent enough fellow
but a bit abrasive,

Oblivious to
anyone else's feelings.

I wanted to get him
out of my hair.

I used to fantasize about him
converting to judaism.

One day I said,
"frank, I think that--"

- Wait a minute.
His name was frank?

- Uh, that's unimportant.
The point--

- Frank barone?

- You know frank barone?

- He's my father.

- Your parents
are frank and marie barone?

- Yes.

- You're absolved.

- What?

- Our lord
forgives your thoughts.

- Yeah? Really?

Are you--
you're sure?

- Well, I could look it up,
but I'm almost positive.

- Oh, man.
Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, father.

This is, uh,
this is great.

Let me ask you something.

Would I be wrong
to let them know how I feel?

That I'm--I'm just sick
and tired of being manipulated

And treated like a child,

And I'm just not going to
let 'em do it anymore.

- Are you going to take the name
of the lord in vain when you do?

- No.
- Then go with god.

- Oh, boy.
You, uh, you guys.

You're great.
You're great.

You guys are great.

I'm going to tell
all my friends about you.

Really.

All right, mom and dad,

Listen up here,
all right.

I don't care what
you think about me.

This has been
a long time coming.

I'm going to say it right now,
and you're going to hear it.

- Say what you want
to say, ray.

We're listening.

- Well?

- Listen--

I'm sorry.

- He said it!

Oh, raymond.

- Good thing.
You did the right thing.

- That's all we ever
wanted to hear, honey.

That's all any parent
ever wants from a child.

- Constant apology.
Right.

- Good to have you back, ray.
We missed you.

- Are you hungry, honey?

- Yeah, yeah, I'm hungry.
- Oh, good, good, good.

- Hey, robert, uh,
this is ray's chair.

There you go.
Go on, sit down.

The old--
the old chair.

- All right.
Here we go.

- Here you go.

Mangez, mangez.

- I can understand
why it bothers you.

But it's quite normal

To have thoughts
about your parents dying.

- Did I mention the part
about the sandwiches?