Original subtitles

- Hi, press.

I'm looking for kristi yamaguchi.

Oh, thank you.

Hi, uh, kristi. - Oh, hi, ray.

Come on in.

Do you mind doing the interview in here?

- No, no, no, no!

It's just-- it's a little weird.

I've never been in a women's locker room before.

Once, in seventh grade, the guys pushed me in,

But that was only for a second.

All right, uh-- I'll just sit here.

For female reporters going in the male locker rooms,

I'm just getting to know how they must feel now.

Oh, okay, so let's just start--

Uh, kristi, olympic gold medal,

World championship,

The cover of "people" magazine,

What's next for you?

Unh!

Oh, you have an outie,

I would've taken you for in innie.

Hi, I'm ray,

And I live here in long island

With my wife, debra.

She's great with the kids,

The house, everything.

Oh, I don't know how she does it.

We've got a daughter, ally,

And twin two-year-old boys.

It's not really about the kids.

My parents live across the street.

That's right,

And my brother lives with them.

Would go by on a conveyer belt for you,

But mine would, because--

- Everybody loves raymond.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Hey!

Hey, anybody home? Debra!

All right. Come on, buddy.

Hey, hey!

Aw, are you nervous? Don't be nervous.

They're going to love you.

I'll tell you what,

I'll do all the talking, okay?

Come here. Come here. Did you eat yet?

Are you hungry?

Let's see what we got.

Lasagna.

Baked beans.

Chicken lo mein.

Hold on.

This is debra's meatloaf.

Here. Do me a favor.

- Ray!

Have you seen geoffrey?

- No.

But look, a dog.

- Yeah. I see that, ray.

Why is he here eating my meatloaf?

- Because--

It's so good.

- What are you doing with a dog, ray?

- He followed me home.

You want to play with him? Go ahead.

- Play with him? Ray, I can't even find

One of our own children, all right?

Geoffrey!

- That's 'cause they're walking now.

I told you all that crawling would lead to no good.

- Here he is. I got him.

- So what do you think, huh? What should we name him?

- Are you kidding?

Ray, we can't keep him.

Besides, he belongs to somebody.

- No, there's no tag, no collar.

He could've been born in the wild.

- Yeah, those herds of wild bulldogs.

- I thought you liked dogs.

- Ray, come on. I love dogs.

But in case you haven't noticed,

The last thing that we need around here

Is something else that eats and poops.

- All right, I'll stop doing one of those.

- Dog. Come on.

Ally, it's dinnertime, honey!

- Hey, see, for the kids it'd be great, a pet.

- Ally already has a hamster.

Don't use that.

- Oh, a hamster.

Come on, you can't play catch with a hamster.

Well, you can,

But the hamster doesn't look forward to it.

- What's that?

- Look, sweetie, it's a doggy.

Isn't he great?

- He smells.

- She says that about the twins, and we keep them.

- Ray, you can't be serious.

Come on, why would you want a dog now?

- I--not a dog-- this dog.

I had a bulldog just like this guy.

My brother got it for his first communion.

- Yeah, it was a personality thing.

He named him shamsky after his favorite ballplayer.

- Art shamsky.

- Right, right.

Oh, yeah.

Shamsky was great.

Once, we dressed him in mom's nightgown

With a wig and lipstick.

Ohh--

My mom came home, and dad was dancing with him.

Oh, it was crazy.

Shamsky.

And then we had to give him away.

- Yeah? Why is that?

- I had allergies.

I don't have allergies anymore.

- Ray, he's not our dog.

[sighs]

All right, we can keep him

Until we find the owner, okay?

- Yeah! Yeah, yeah!

- But we're going to put out flyers

And take an ad out in the paper and all that.

- I'll do it.

I'll do everything, okay? I promise.

You won't have to do anything.

You just enjoy him.

[chew toy squeaking] - ray.

Ray.

- Eh, go around me. Go around me.

Huh? What?

- That noise is driving me nuts.

- All right. I'll sleep on my side. Sorry.

- Ray, the dog. [chew toy squeaking]

It's that stupid toy you gave him.

- All right. I got it. I got it.

I'm on it. Don't worry.

It's just his first night here, that's all.

Remember how you were on our first night?

Come on, boy.

Come on, give me the toy.

Come on, give me the toy.

Give me the toy, boy.

Come on.

All right, this obviously isn't about the toy, is it?

Come on, there's some deeper issues here.

Give me the--

[toy squeaks]

I got it!

Okay.

All right.

Good doggy. Good doggy.

[toy squeaks]

Whew. See? That's all.

No big deal. No big deal.

He just needs a little love, that's all.

That's all anybody needs-- a little love.

[barking and scraping at door]

- Ray, your lover is at the door.

- Just--you know what?

Just keep quiet. He'll calm down.

See?

Aw, that's a good doggy.

Whew. Whew.

- Mommy! Mommy!

- We're rich.

The dog can talk.

- Yes, yes, we might have your dog.

Yeah, what kind is it?

Oh, a collie.

- Ha, ha!

- Well, you know what?

Why don't you take this dog?

Yeah, because he's very smart.

Maybe he could help find your dog.

No, okay.

Well, thanks anyway.

Yeah. Bye-bye.

- Ha! That's it.

That's all. No more calls.

We have a winner.

- We haven't slept in three nights.

You know why the owners haven't showed up?

Because they're asleep, ray.

We can't keep him.

- I love him.

I love him like--

An incredibly ugly son.

- Listen, ray, I understand.

Believe me. I do.

But, I mean, think about it, honey.

I'm--I'm just swamped as it is, you know?

Uh, maybe when the kids are a little bit older.

[knock on door]

- Hello.

You guys have any maalox or something?

- What's the matter, robert, did you eat something bad?

I'm on a steady diet of human suffering.

Whose dog?

- I found him.

- But we're getting rid of him.

- Oh?

- Robert?

- It's just that he--

Looks so familiar.

- Get him the maalox. Go get him the maalox, debra.

- Hello, puppy.

Hello, puppy. Oh, yeah.

Where'd you learn to kiss like that, huh?

- What? What is it?

- You heard me.

- No, I'm not giving robert my dog.

- Ray, it's a perfect match; he needs a dog.

And we need not to have a dog.

- I want to have a dog. Come on. We bonded.

We have something special.

- Oh, give daddy some sugar.

[growling playfully]

- He's probably picking up my scent on robert.

- No. Listen, this is the right thing to do.

Give this dog to robert.

- I don't want to give robert my dog, come on.

- Got a hell of a dog here, raymond.

- Yeah.

- Know who he reminds me of?

Shamsky.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Shamsky. Yeah.

- He was a hell of a pooch, wasn't he?

Used to follow me everywhere.

Then one day, I came home from school

And shamsky wasn't there.

Of course mom tried to make me feel better.

She told me he got hit by a car.

But I knew what really happened.

Well, that-- that's okay, raymond.

I'm not blaming you.

It's not your fault you had allergies.

- Yeah, well, I don't have allergies anymore.

Hey, give me some sugar, too, there, huh?

H-hey.

He's cool, isn't he?

- Oh, yeah. He's great.

You're a lucky man, raymond.

[choked up] lucky man.

You know, it's a funny thing,

But to this day, I can't even look at a liver snap

Without getting all choked up.

- Robert, wait.

- What?

- Here, why don't you take the dog?

- What are you saying?

You mean, you'd want me to have him?

- Yeah, well, he likes you.

We can't have a dog.

We got a hamster. He's nuts.

He likes you.

- No, no.

No, I'd just be setting myself up for more hurt.

You know, every time I get attached to something,

I just get burned, you know?

First dog. My first wife.

My first lawyer after my first wife.

- Yeah. All right. Okay.

All right, well, if that's how you feel--

- Oh, yeah, that's how I feel. I appreciate it.

Aw, what the hell. Life's too short.

Come on, boy!

Come on!

Hello, gorgeous.

Yes.

Oh, yes.

[inaudible]

- Hey. - Hey.

- They're all asleep. This is from the kids.

- Hey.

How about from you?

- Hasn't come in yet.

- Hey, hey, hey. What's this?

- Oh, that's a gift from your brother.

- Robert gave me a present?

Wow. Look at this.

Oh, my god. It's a titleist putter.

- Yeah, isn't that sweet?

You know, since you gave him that dog,

He's a different person.

- A better person.

- You did a very good thing, ray.

- Mmm. Yeah.

That robert had to give away his first dog because of me.

Feels good to do the right thing.

Did he drop any balls off with this?

[knocking]

Yeah, huh?

Hi.

- Hello.

- Can I help you?

- I believe you have my dog.

- Your dog?

- Phyllis?

- Debra!

I can't believe this.

- You know her?

- Yeah, ray, this is phyllis

From the salon where I get my hair cut.

She shampoos me.

- Yeah, yeah, great, great. It's very fluffy.

- So this is your dog?

- I can't tell you how upset I've been.

I left town for a couple of weeks

And came back to find that the gardener had let him out.

You know, he's a prize-winning stud.

- I'm surprised he has to work as a gardener.

- The dog, ray.

- He's a great champion.

I've been breeding him for years.

Where is he?

- Uh, come here. Come on in, phyllis.

Come on in here.

Maybe I can explain this.

- Explain what?

Where's baron? Is he all right?

- No, no, no. He's fine, he's fine, he's fine.

Uh, let me ask you something.

Do you know the ballplayer art shamsky?

- Art shamsky has my dog?

- No.

No, no, no. He's retired.

But my brother-- - ray.

Playing with ray's brother.

We're going to get him right back.

- Right back?

- Yes. Here, have a seat, phyllis.

Yeah, we'll go get him back.

Ray was just on his way over there now.

- How can I do this to robert again?

- I know, but look at her, ray.

She's waiting for her dog, okay?

It's her whole life.

You got to go get the dog now.

- He gave me a putter.

- Wait till you see these toys I got for that dog.

- I already bought him some today.

- Yeah? Did you get him the chewy phone?

- Those phones are a waste of money.

I got him the squeaky hydrant.

- Please.

Please, there's no comparison.

- You know nothing about dogs.

Look at this.

[barking]

Fun! This is fun!

Come on, let go of that. Let go. Frank, come on.

That's ridiculous.

- Maybe he needs to go out.

- Hey, raymond. How you doing?

- Hey, robert. How are you?

- Great. Great.

Watch this.

Okay, spread 'em.

You have the right to remain silent.

[jabbering]

[chuckles]

Good boy. Good boy.

Isn't he great, huh?

- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's great.

- And he ain't the only one.

My brother.

Mio fratello.

- Ohh, look at them, frank.

It's so sweet

To see you two getting along lately.

It's like old times.

Oh, frank, go get the moving picture camera.

I mean, the whole family's here.

- Ah, those lights are so damn heavy.

- No, no, come on, it's a special occasion.

I know where it is. Come on, come on.

There might still be some film left

From when we brought ray home from the hospital.

- That's a good boy, shamsky.

That's a good boy.

- Named him shamsky, huh?

- Well, actually, shamsky roman numeral ii.

Yeah.

- Robert, the owner came by today.

- W-what?

- Listen, I don't know what to say; I--

- The owner.

I'm going to tell her that he ran away or something.

That's all. - No, no.

Give him to her.

I know what it's like to lose a dog.

Go ahead.

- I'm sorry.

Come on, buddy.

- Okay, everybody smile.

Come on.

- Where's the dog?

Where's ray?

What's going on here?

We're wasting film!

- Cut, dad. Cut.

Shamsky's owner showed up today.

I had to give him back.

- Oh, no.

Ohh, he was such a sweet dog.

- You gave him back?

What about the 200 bucks we just spent

To have him fixed?

- Hi.

All right. Here he is.

- Great.

- Where's the lady?

- She's putting on some makeup.

She wants to look nice for baron.

How'd it go over there?

- It was great. I went over there.

He was playing with the dog.

I said, "hey, robert,"

And then I reached in his chest

And pulled his heart out.

- Ray--

What happened over there?

- What? What do you mean? I told you.

- This is not the same dog--

Anymore.

- What are you--

Talking about?

Of course it's the same dog.

- No, look closely, ray.

- Yeah, yeah.

- O-other end.

Doesn't he look a little--

Lighter to you?

Ray, he's been fixed.

- Get out of here! Come on! Are you sure?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Maybe he's just a little chilly.

- No.

- Shy? - No.

- He wasn't always like that?

- Trust me. He wasn't.

- How do you know?

- Because I noticed.

Well, what are you noticing that for?

I didn't notice!

- Ray, you don't notice when I get a new pair of earrings,

And those are hanging off my face.

- I would notice if your ears were missing.

- God!

Those maniacs.

Ray, what are they doing over there?

- Oh, my god, it was probably my mother's idea.

This is sort of a hobby of hers.

- Baron! Let me look at you!

- Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

Hey!

We're so happy for you.

We are happy.

Yay.

- Thank you.

Well, I--

I won't take up any more of your time.

Thank you so much for all you've done.

You don't know what it's like to be separated

From something you treasure so much.

- I'm sure baron feels the same way.

- Hey.

I just thought I'd bring his toys by.

- Oh--isn't that sweet?

Say thank you, baron.

- Baron?

- Well, good-bye now and thanks again.

- All right.

- [sighs] ohh--

Well-- maybe she won't notice.

- Debra, the woman breeds dogs, all right.

The subject's going to come up sooner or later.

- All right, look!

I don't know who did it,

And I don't care who did it!

All I know is my dog is ruined

And someone's got to pay.

- Phyllis, we tried to explain--

- I don't want explanations. I want cash.

This dog is worthless now.

- Worthless?

- He's still a delightful companion.

- Companion? My ass!

He was good for one thing, and now he's broken.

- Don't talk about him like that.

- Hey, hey--

Look, I'd like to buy the dog from you.

Okay, for my brother--

- No, no, raymond, look, you don't have to--

- No, I want to do this, robert, okay?

This is for both shamsky's.

It's the least I can do.

How much will you take for him?

- $2,000.

- $2,000?

- Mio fratello.

I love you--

- $2,000.

- He's a prize-winning stud.

- Not anymore.

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Give me those.

Huh? Yeah.

$2,000--

I could have got 4,000 hamsters.

- How do you like that grip?

Yeah, the grip's good. I like it.

It's bottom heavy, the club, you know?

I like that.

- That's a good putt.

- Yeah.

You know, this was a much harder shot before--

Yeah.