Original subtitles

- Hmm.

Hmm.

- What?

What's the problem?

- I got to go to the bathroom.

- So go.

- Uh, too tired.

I got to go all the way around

And come all the way back.

I hate this side of the bed.

You're closer, you go to the bathroom for me.

- Ohh! Not this again.

Ray, you chose that side, you wanted that side,

You made your bed, now just shut up in it.

- I never should've took this side.

I went with my childhood instinct,

I took the side away from the door

In case the bogeyman comes in.

Bogeyman gets you,

I'm in my spaceship by then.

- What if he comes in through the window?

- I got to go to the bathroom.

Hi, I'm ray,

And I live here in long island

With my wife, debra.

She's great with the kids,

The house, everything.

Oh, I don't know how she does it.

We've got a daughter, ally,

And twin two-year-old boys.

It's not really about the kids.

My parents live across the street.

That's right,

And my brother lives with them.

Now, not every family

Would go by on a conveyer belt for you,

But mine would, because--

- Everybody loves raymond.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- All right, well, listen.

Thanks for stopping by-- again.

- Yeah, 'cause, uh,

We've missed you since this morning.

- Yeah. [laughs]

- Okay, bye now. We'll see you.

- Oh, hey!

- Robert, listen, everybody was just leaving 'cause--

- Oh. Hey, is that meatloaf?

- Yeah. You wouldn't like it.

Very dry. We're throwing it out.

- Yeah.

- Is--is that a spot on your uniform, robbie?

- What? Oh, this? - Yeah.

- Oh, no, that's just a little something

That the lieutenant pinned

On a particularly deserving officer

At roll call this morning.

- What did you get, like, a condemnation?

- Commendation, dad.

- Ooh, let me see!

- Okay, go easy on it.

- Oh-- what's it for?

- Perfect attendance.

Three years in a row.

- Hey, that's, uh-- that's pretty good, robert.

Okay, bye now.

- Oh--

I am so proud of you, robbie.

- That's my boy.

Always...There.

- Hey, ray, look at this letter.

You're up for sportswriter of the year.

- Hey.

- What are you talking about?

Your newspaper submitted you, and you got nominated.

- Oh, raymond, that's marvelous!

- I knew I was submitted to this thing,

But I didn't think this was going to happen.

- 1,095 days of perfect attendance.

- Look, look, look,

And they're going to announce the winner

At an awards banquet.

Whoo! Hoo hoo!

- I bet they got a buffet.

- Yeah. Oh, honey!

I always told you you were a great writer.

- Well, don't get excited, all right,

'cause I'm not going to this thing.

- Why not?

- It's just a stupid, meaningless award;

That's all.

- Well, can I still go?

They got wheelbarrows full of shrimp there.

- Nobody's going, okay?

These events are always lame.

- Why are you being so negative?

- Yeah. What's the matter?

You don't like shrimp?

Come on, marie. I'm hungry.

- Well, as far as I'm concerned,

You're already the winner in this family.

Come on, robbie.

- Best of luck.

I hope it all works out for you.

- Ray, what is wrong with you?

This isn't a lame event.

This is a black tie, prestigious, you know, thing,

And if you win, it could really be good for your career.

- Oh, come on. Good for my career?

No, the awards mean nothing, all right?

The best thing to do is just forget about it.

- You think you're going to lose.

- Of course!

- But this is so fantastic, ray.

Look at this.

"sportswriter of the year."

I mean, you know, this is great just to be nominated.

- "it's great just to be nominated."

That's what the loser says.

That's--that's the title of the loser handbook.

- Have you ever thought of something, ray?

You might actually win this.

- Don't--look, debra, don't make me want this.

- It's okay to want things, ray.

- No! No, you're wrong.

Look, right now, my expectations

Are right here, this high.

When I fall from here, I sprain an ankle.

I limp away. That's all.

If I fall from where you're talking about--

Splat!

I'm splat the loser.

"oh, hey, any words for us, splat?"

"oh, oh, it was great just to be nominated."

I don't know. No.

- Fine. All right, fine.

We won't go.

God, raymond, you're hopeless.

- You really think I could win it?

- Honey, come on.

Look at the competition here, all right?

Bill scheft.

He's already won twice, so he's finished.

Chuck heaton's big story this year was

"too much violence in boxing."

Thanks for the scoop, chuck.

I mean, you're always telling me what a hack ted stankovich is,

But, you know, most importantly, I know you, ray.

I know your writing, and listen, sweetie,

You are really, really good.

You are. There is nobody that's better than you, ray.

You are sportswriter of the year.

- You--you did it.

You made me want it!

- Ray, this is so great.

Oh, my god, we're out, we're with adults.

I didn't have to cut anybody's meat,

You smell good.

- This was a mistake, you know?

All this small talk with people

Who couldn't care less about me.

- Oh. - It's torture.

Ray, look. The skater, the skater.

- Excuse me, are you ray barone?

- Yeah.

- I'm katarina witt.

- Hi.

Uh--wife.

- Hi. Debra. I'm debra.

Oh, my gosh, it is so great to meet you.

We are really big fans of yours.

- Thank you very much.

Ray, I just wanted to say how much I loved your article

About professionals in the olympics.

- Oh, wow. Thanks. Thanks.

- I think you're a very good writer,

And I'm sure you're going to win tonight,

So good luck.

- Well, thank you.

See? Torture.

- What do you mean?

A beautiful, famous skater has just told you

How much she loves your work.

How can it be better than that?

- I could be single.

Look, of course she's going to say she likes my work.

She's a skater.

She's dizzy from all of that spinning.

- You're right, ray.

I don't know why I didn't think of that.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

If you'll all take your seats,

It's time to begin.

- All right, I'm going to get some fresh air.

I'm going to just jump out that window.

- Oh, sit down, you freak.

- Hey, ray barone!

Honey, come here. This is marv albert.

- "yes!"

- Gee, I've never heard that before.

- This is my wife, debra.

- Hi, nice to meet you. - Nice meeting you.

- Cake throws off her medications.

- Word is that you are the odds-on favorite,

And, you know, personally,

I've been such a huge fan of yours over the years.

- Oh, thank you. I appreciate that.

- Best of luck to you. - Thank you.

- Marv albert thinks I'm on medication.

- Odds-on favorite?

Big fan?

Oh, my god, I might have a shot at this.

- And now, to present the award

For sportswriter of the year,

Mr. Marv albert.

[applause]

- Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

And now, the main event.

For the federated press association's

Sportswriter of the year, the nominees are--

Ted stankovich of "the chicago tribune"--

- Hack, hack, hack, hack.

- Bill scheft of "the boston globe"--

- [gagging]

- I don't care. I don't care.

- Chuck heaton of "the cleveland plain dealer"--

- [blows raspberry]

- And ray barone of "new york newsday".

- Whoo! [whistles]

Go-- ray, stop.

Don't touch my hair.

- And the winner is--

- [whimpers]

- Look, ray, you're just going to have to make

The best of this, honey.

I mean, something good's going to come from this.

You'll see.

Ray, come on.

You know, ray,

You're sportswriter of the year.

You know, when most people win an award,

They don't look like they're passing a stone.

- Yeah, well, you try lifting this thing.

- Oh, oh, the trophy's too big.

Is that the problem, ray?

- I don't know, it's just--

It doesn't feel right.

- What's wrong with winning an award?

- It's too good to be true.

- But it is true!

- Then it can't be that good.

- You are such a pessimist!

- I'm not a pessimist. - Oh, no?

You are incapable of seeing the good in anything.

What is that called?

- A realist.

And I can see the good in a lot of things, okay?

How about last year when we went skiing

And I didn't break anything?

- That's because you sat in the lodge the whole time,

Saying, "I don't want to break anything."

- I enjoyed it in my own way.

I liked the hot chocolate.

Although, I hear now that fake sweetener stuff

Will kill you.

It's crazy.

- Yeah, you're not a pessimist, huh?

Listen, I know how your head works.

I'm going to prove it to you.

Listen, you say the first thing that comes into your mind

When I say, for instance, um--

Love.

- Wife?

- [snorts]

Uh, nice answer,

But it took a little too long getting there.

I could tell you threw out, like, 15 words

Before you got to "wife."

- They all meant "wife."

- Okay, you're not supposed to think

Before you say anything, okay?

- All right, all right. I got it.

Okay. Do it again.

- Okay. Ice cream.

- Oh, I thought you were going to say "love" again.

I was ready for "love."

- No, it's different words, ray.

- All right, all right, all right.

All right. Go ahead.

- Ice cream. - Fat.

- See? Right to the negative.

All right. Beach.

- Sunburn.

- Marriage. - Counselor.

- Bad. - Worse.

- Steak. - Stroke.

- Sex. - Twins.

- Think I've proved my point.

I've proved my point.

- No, the twins are a positive, all right?

Come on, hey, maybe you're the one

Who's a little negative around here.

- Oh, face it, ray,

You're a total pessimist.

- All right, I'm a little pessimistic,

But I got it under control, okay?

I can be optimistic any time I want to.

- You are so classic.

You're in total denial.

I mean, look. Look at this.

How can you not enjoy this?

- It's really easy.

- [sighs]

This is not normal, you know that?

You really have a big problem.

- It's just I'm being careful, that's all.

I--I always thought I was just an occasional worrier.

You know, like a guy comes up and says, "hello,"

And I'm thinking, "hey, is this guy going to hit me?"

That kind of thing.

- Do you like being this way?

- It's all I know.

- You know, it doesn't have to be this way.

You can get better. You can change.

But listen--

The first step is admitting

That you have a problem.

- All right.

I'm ray, and I'm a pessimist.

- Hi, ray.

- Hey, everybody, daddy's home.

- Hi. - Hey.

- How was your day?

- Great! Just great!

- Good.

- Yeah. - Yeah, okay.

Well, dinner's almost ready, so--

- Oh, great. Great. Great. Great.

What are we having?

- Just assorted leftovers.

- Great!

I like variety.

- Yeah.

- Hey, sweetie.

[laughs] hey.

- Daddy's face is weird.

- Yeah.

Gee, so, you're in a good mood, huh?

- I'm in a great mood.

- Well, ray, I'm proud of you.

You're really being positive.

- Yeah. I'm trying.

Isn't easy, though, I'll tell you.

Today was one of the toughest days of my life.

- Why?

- I got a promotion.

- Oh, my god!

That's wonderful!

Oh, sweetie! - Yeah. Yeah.

- Congratulations!

- Yeah. It's a big--

Good--

Thing. - Yes! Yes!

Oh, see? That award was good,

And something good came from that, too.

- Right. Right. Right.

I got to admit, I almost had

Some negative thoughts there, you know?

I was tempted to think "promotion--

"more responsibility, intense pressure,

Stomach ulcers, hair loss, bleeding gums."

But I didn't.

- [laughs nervously] - I didn't.

I just pushed those thoughts right out of my mind,

And I thought, "everything's great,

Because I'm coming home to my family."

[banging and screaming]

Oh--huh.

- Oh, ray, this is really a huge step for you.

- It is. - Yeah.

- And, you know, even though I got a promotion,

I'm going to look at the bright side.

I--as a matter of fact, you know what,

Forget about the leftovers. Let's celebrate.

Let's order in, huh?

- Oh, great! Yeah.

- And I'll get my parents,

And I'll tell them to come over.

I mean, your parents are always--

- Ah, ah, ah!

You're going to talk the talk, you walk the walk.

- Yeah. - Tck, tck, tck, tck!

- Okay.

Oh, great. Just great.

- Here's another one.

"pellagra."

"characterized by skin eruptions,

"digestive and nervous system disturbances,

And eventual mental deterioration."

- Eww. That's disgusting.

- You want me to keep going?

- Couple more.

- Ooh. "impetigo."

- Hey. Hey, everybody. What are you doing?

- Uh, just reading up on diseases.

You got no idea what's out there.

- We heard you won your award thing.

Oh, that's very nice, ray.

- Yeah, actually it was great.

You know how I thought-- I didn't think

The dinner was going to be a big deal?

Yeah, I met katarina witt and marv albert.

- Was dimaggio there?

- No. No, dad.

- Oh.

Well, at least you made the sportswriter hall of fame.

- Well, actually, it's sportswriter of the year.

- Oh. Just the year.

- That's wonderful, dear.

How much did you win?

- I got a trophy, ma.

Big--big trophy. - Oh?

- Oh. - No cash?

- No. No, no. Just the trophy.

But I'll tell you what, because of that trophy--

- Oh, that's nice. You got a nice trophy.

A nice gold trophy.

- Well, actually, it's silver, ma.

- Well, I thought silver was for second place.

Well, I'm sure it's a very nice trophy.

- Yeah, you--

You bust your ass all year long.

At least they could throw you a few dollars.

- Dad, it's just-- it's more of a prestige thing.

- Yeah?

Take the prestige thing to the market

And see how many eggs you bring home.

- Hey. What's going on?

- What are you doing here?

- I took a sick day.

- What--what about your perfect attendance?

- What, like I need another little pin?

Well, I hear you won the award last night.

- Yeah, yeah, I did, and--and it was great.

And I don't care what anybody thinks about it.

I feel good about it.

I thought something bad was going to happen from this,

But, uh--you know what, I got a promotion today.

- Promotion? - Promotion?

- Gee, what a shock.

- They make you editor?

- No, dad.

- Why not?

- I'm head of sports features.

And that's good. That's good.

You know, most people think an award and a promotion

Are good things.

I enjoy my work,

And I'm glad to be recognized for it, okay?

And I don't--I'm going to pat myself on the back

And feel good about it.

- Well, I must say, ray,

This is a side of you that's not very attractive.

- What? - Nobody likes a bragger.

What are you, going uptown on us?

- You're really beginning to get a swelled head.

We didn't bring you up that way.

- I'm sorry. I didn't--

You know, I just thought I was--

Oh, no, wait a minute!

What? What?

What am I apologizing for?

Look, all I'm doing is being happy!

You know, maybe everybody around here

Would be a little bit happier

If you tried to see the good in things

Instead of-- you just beat everything down!

- Well, what are you yelling at us for?

Is this how you're going to handle the new job?

- I got an award, all right?

That's, you know, that's good.

I got a promotion, too. That's--that's good.

There's no bad here. There's no bad--

They don't promote you if you're bad.

If I was a pessimist like them,

I would think it's bad, but I am an optimist now.

I feel good all the time.

Oh, look, it's raining.

Oh, that's--that's good for the garden, isn't it?

- Why do people who convert

Try to drag everyone along with them?

- It's raining?

- It's raining.

But it's good for the garden.

- Oh, honey, I shouldn't have let you go over there.

- No, no, no, no, no, no. - Oh, my god.

- No, two steps forward, one step back.

- Yeah.

- What? What's wrong with you?

- Oh, I think I have some bad news, ray.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Your editor called.

There's this race,

And there's a girl from long island,

A 13-year-old who's going to be competing in it,

And he wants his new head of sports features

To cover it.

- Yeah?

- It's the iditarod, ray.

It's in alaska.

- Oh.

- Are you okay?

- That's a two-week dogsled race in 35-below weather.

Stankovich covered that last year and lost a toe.

- Oh, my god.

I'm sorry. It just sounds terrible.

- Yeah, it is. It is.

- Then why are you smiling?

This isn't exactly good news.

- Not exactly good news?

Honey, this is horrible!

I knew this was going to happen.

- Then why aren't you upset?

- Because I was right!

Oh, god, I was right!

I was walking around all day pretending there wasn't

Going to be any bad news,

But here it is, bad news!

Hello, old friend.

- Ray, ray, come on, honey,

You're falling off the wagon.

- No, no. - Don't do it. Come on.

Sweetie-- - no, no, no!

I am a pessimist! That's who I am!

It's in my blood!

This is where I feel comfortable!

Oh, I'm back! I'm back!

- You know, ray, you are just sick!

You're not happy unless you're miserable!

- Bingo!

Come on.

Come on, let's go have some crummy leftovers,

And then after dinner, we'll just sit like lumps,

And we'll watch a stupid video.

- Yeah, well, the kids broke the v.C.R.

- Ha ha!

- Yeah, honey.

Ah, as miserable as it sounded,

It's even worse!

All right, I'll see you in a week and a half.

Yeah, I still got my toes.

Okay, bye.

I love you too.

[kissing]

[muffled] oh, honey, don't hang up!

Don't hang up!

My lips are stuck to the phone!

Hello?

I knew this would happen.