Original subtitles

[rain splashing]

[thunder rumbling]

- Michael asleep? - Finally.

Tried everything.

I read to him. I rocked him.

He kept looking at me like, "is that's all you got?

Is that it?"

- The blue jays and the yankees meet tonight...

- Oh, espn. Nothing quite like it.

Nothing even comes close.

Well, espn2.

- You know, ray, could you at least look at me

Before you settle in for three hours of television?

- I looked at you when I came in.

- ...With a win over the angels.

[tv static] - hey.

- Ha, ha, ha!

- What's going on? - Yeah, there you go.

- Oh, no. Come on.

Come on. I can't believe this.

- Look, try pressing the on/off button,

And tapping the cable box with the remote.

Now hit the back of the set.

Now rub the sides with your hands.

A little harder.

Getting excited, huh? [chuckles]

- Oh, you're funny.

You're very funny. Yeah, you're funny.

You're jealous; that's what you are.

Come on. What's going on?

I hate this cable company. - Oh, come on, ray.

It's just television. It's not the end of the world.

- Your tv's out too.

Sweet mother of god!

[thunder rumbling]

- Oh, come on, ray.

You're just going to sit here

And wait for the cable to come back on?

- Well, how long can it be out for?

I mean, this is crazy.

- It's only been two minutes.

If your finger was stuck in a car door,

Would you say it's only been two minutes? No.

- What?

- I like tv.

- Look.

Why don't we just sit and talk, hmm?

- Why? What's wrong?

- Nothing's wrong.

When was the last time

That you and I just sat here and talked?

- The last time that something was wrong.

- All right, just forget it.

- Look, debra, you know, I work all day.

And when I come home, I just--I want to relax.

- And talking to me isn't relaxing, huh?

- [exhales deeply]

Okay, we'll talk.

- Good.

[clears throat]

So go ahead.

- No, no, no, no. - What? What?

- See, that's what you always do.

You always say, "hey, let's talk,"

And then you throw it to me.

No, you say, "let's talk,"

Then you should have topics ready.

I'm not good--I'm not good when I'm just expected to talk.

- "expected to talk"? - Yeah, yeah.

I'm good with regular talk, you know, like, uh,

"these pants are itchy"

Or "hey, get down from there," those things.

But I'm just-- but this--

- So talking to me is what you have the problem with.

- No. I love talking to you.

Come on. I'd rather talk to you than do anything.

Hey, you know what we could do--

- What--uh-oh. Ha! No, no.

I don't think so.

- I think so.

- No. - Why?

- Because it's--

- It's what?

It's a man and a woman

Just showing their love for one another.

Maybe even showing it downstairs this time.

- Yeah.

Ray, I'm not having sex with you

Just because the cable's out.

- That's not just why.

I meant to tell you.

I wanted to when I came in, remember?

Come on; you remember. When I looked at you.

- All right, all right. I'll tell you what.

When the cable comes back on,

I will be happy to show my love for you.

- All right.

All right, you--

When that cable comes back on, you got a deal.

- All right.

- But I'll be thinking of you.

Michael still up? - Yeah.

He's going to be a mess tomorrow.

- Yeah, well, what does he have tomorrow?

Let's see: I've got a crayon up my nose at 11:00,

And at 1:30, geoffrey and I

Are going to run around the house naked,

Yelling "ladle, ladle, ladle."

[knock on door]

- [grunting]

You got tv yet?

- No. You?

- I can't stand it.

I got nothing to live for over there.

- He's driving me crazy.

It's like someone went into the ape cage

And took out the tire swing.

Why can't we just talk to each other?

- That's exactly what I've been saying.

- We haven't had a conversation in 35 years.

- I didn't want to interrupt.

- Hey, did you call the cable company?

- Didn't you?

You look up the number. I'll get the phone ready.

- Get the phone ready?

- Give me, give me, give me. - Here, here.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Look, if it's busy, dial 911.

- Hello. Yeah, hi.

Uh, our cable's out.

320 fowler.

Really? Oh, god.

- What? What?

- They didn't know about it.

- They didn't know about it!

- Deep breaths, frank.

- Okay, all right, thanks. Yeah.

Hey, hey, hurry.

- Hey.

Cable's out.

- It's in the bible. Next comes locusts.

- I'll tell you,

It's a cop's worst nightmare.

Cable goes out, people get edgy.

Thank god this isn't the summer.

You take away a man's tv during the heat wave,

Well, you might as well pack up the canned goods

And just head for the basement.

So who wants to rent a movie tonight?

- Oh.

- Yeah, that's not a bad idea.

It's not tv, but at least you got the tv going.

- There you go.

- You know what I wouldn't mind seeing again?

"beaches."

- I would mind that.

I would mind that very much.

- Okay. So forget about the movie.

Let's do something else.

Ooh! Let's play a game.

- Oh, yeah!

- Hey, I'd be up for that. - A game?

- Yeah, that's a very good idea, marie.

I mean, it's about time we did something together

As a family for once.

- Come on, debra.

You really want to play, like, a board game?

- I don't like games.

Follow the rules. Pay attention.

Wait your turn.

It's just like work dressed up like play.

- Come on, ray. I really want to do this.

- Or you know what?

We could just sit and talk.

- Let's play a game.

- Okay, what does everybody want to play?

- Well, how about scruples?

- No, we don't have that one, robert.

- I gave it to you for christmas two years ago.

- Oh, yes. Scruples!

Here it is. Remember this, ray?

- Yeah, the one in-- the box.

- Yeah.

Yeah, let's play this. We love this.

- The shrink wrap is still on it.

"oh, gee, thanks, robert.

Thanks for the gift. You have such great taste."

You can't even take off the shrink wrap

To play one of the games...

- All right, calm down. Come on, robert.

- No, no. I'm fine.

Let's just play, shall we?

Okay.

- "give each player five red cards."

- What are you doing?

- I'm reading the rules.

- Just play!

- "give each player five red cards.

"each red card has a moral question on it.

"for example, 'you are hungry and broke.

Do you steal food?'"

- "your family wants to play a game.

Do you set yourself on fire to get out of it?"

- "give each player a blue card with a yes-or-no answer."

- Okay, let me do that, 'cause I'm good at cards.

"take turns posing a question to another player."

"if another player's answer matches your answer card,

"then you get to discard that question.

The object of the game is to discard all of--"

Dad, will you stop?

- Can we just start the game?

Let's play; that's all.

- No, but there's more rules. - You know what?

We'll just learn as we play, robert, okay?

- All right. - Okay. All right.

Marie, my question's for you.

- Great. See, this is fun.

- Yeah, all right.

"you were a famous movie star in the 1950s."

- Whoo.

- "but now you are strapped for cash.

"you are invited to endorse

"a diaper for bladder control on tv.

Do you?"

- [laughs]

- Why do you ask me that question?

You think I have that problem?

- What? No. I--I just--

- You think I'm old? - No, no.

- Oh, I need a match and a cup of gasoline

Right now.

- I'm not--I'm not answering you, debra.

- Will you-- ma, come on.

You're the one who wanted to play this game.

- This isn't play. This is a personal attack.

- Yeah, a question about my old bladder.

Not only would she take the money;

She'd model the damn things.

- Oh, I certainly would not.

- You know, I'd endorse the product if I used it myself.

- All right, could we ask another question?

'cause I got to knock the last couple of images

Out of my head.

- Listen, if--if you used them, you'd admit to it?

- It's the right thing to do.

- Ooh, all of a sudden, you have scruples.

- I got scruples, marie.

I got scruples the size of basketballs.

- Aw!

- What answer card did you have, debra?

- Well, I had a "yes" card, so I guess I lose.

- That's right; you lose.

You have to get another card. That's what you get.

[baby cries on monitor]

- Oh, ray, look, he's up again.

Could you go check on him? - Yeah.

- I'll go. - No, dad, I want to go.

- I'm going!

- Argh!

- Okay, it's my turn.

Oh, this question.

This question's for raymond.

"someone has taken your umbrella out of the cloakroom.

"it's a rainy day,

"and there's another one sitting there.

Do you take it?"

- No. No. No.

I would not take someone's umbrella, no.

- I wish to challenge you.

- Challenge?

- Yeah, that's right, challenge.

It's right here in the rules--

Oh, that's right,

You didn't want to hear the rules.

Challenge.

I get 20 seconds to convince everybody

That you're not telling the truth,

And then you get 20 seconds to lie some more,

And then we vote.

- Why would I lie?

- Ha! Why would you lie?

I recall a rainy day.

1967.

I was on my way to school, and mom yelled,

"robbie, don't forget your rubber boots."

But those boots were nowhere to be found.

You know why, raymond?

- I didn't touch your boots.

- When I showed up to school,

The kids called me "sasquish."

Because of your thievery, I was humiliated,

Victimized.

I vowed that from that day forward,

I would do whatever I had to do to fight crime.

And so today I am a police officer.

Okay, now you have 20 seconds.

- I did not take your rubber boots, robert.

That's it.

That's all. I'm done, rob. I'm--

- Time.

Shall we vote? Hmm?

Everyone who agrees with me that raymond the boot thief

Would take someone's umbrella, please raise your hand.

Mom? Mom?

- No, I can't--I can't vote against one of my sons.

- Okay, taking raymond's side. That's typical.

- What are you doing?

- Thank you, debra.

- What is this? - What? Come on, ray.

You didn't make much of an argument.

- Why would I lie about taking his galoshes?

- Well, you lied about how much you love talking to me.

- Well, I'm not crazy about it right now either.

[baby crying]

- Oh, I think frank needs some help.

- That kid's got an attitude problem.

- What did you do, frank?

- Well, nothing.

I just did a little peek-a-boo with him.

Peek-a-boo!

- I remember that.

- Yeah, me too. Me too.

Don't do that.

- All right.

What's happening with the game?

- Oh, we caught ray lying.

- Oh, come on. I didn't lie.

- Remember when he took my boots?

- Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right.

Cheaters never prosper.

[laughs]

Hey, this ain't such a bad game after all.

- So now you're glad we played?

- Yes, because not only does this game teach moral values,

It brings families together.

That's what's happening here.

And what can be more important than that?

[static on tv]

- Hey, hey, we got something.

- Get out of the way!

- We got something.

- Holy crap! Come on, baby!

Come on! Come on!

- "barnaby jones." "barnaby jones."

[static stops] - oh!

- All right.

Whose freakin' turn is it?

[thunder rumbles]

- You cable people stink!

And I'll tell you something else.

However long the cable is out,

I'm going to take twice that much off my bill.

You lousy crooks!

That was the first nice lady I've spoken to up there.

- I think michael's finally asleep.

Whose turn is it? Come on.

- It's mine.

All right.

This question is for ray.

- Sure it is.

- "your elderly mother lives all by herself

"and asks if she can move in with you.

Do you agree?"

- Um...

What?

- "your elderly mother lives all by herself and asks

"if she can move in with you.

Do you agree?"

- Wait a minute. Let me see that card.

- No, no, frank. Stop!

- Oh! Oh! Oh!

- Wait, frank, come on! No! Robbie, stop it.

Robbie, don't do-- no! Ray, come on. Oh!

No--ray--

- "a coworker has bad breath. Do you tell her?"

- Marie.

- You made up a question?

- Oh, now we know where raymond gets his dishonesty.

- Am I the only one with principles?

- Just answer the question. Would you take me in?

- I'm--I'm not answering that question.

It's an unofficial question, ma.

- I'm all alone. Where do I go?

- Wait a minute. What happened to me?

- You passed away.

- What? I died? How did I die?

- We'll see.

The man always dies first. That's just a fact.

So do you take me in?

- You know, marie, I don't think this is really the time,

Right, ray?

- What about me?

- What about you, dear?

- Well, why can't you live with me when dad dies?

- Excuse me, I'm still here!

I'm still in the room!

- This is hypothetical, robbie.

For this question,

Let's just say I only have one son.

- Well, what else is new?

- So what would you do?

- All right, ma, you can come live with us, okay?

Can you stop this now?

- Yeah, that's the answer I wanted to hear.

Thanks, dear.

Okay, let's go on with the game.

- Maybe it's not that I died.

Maybe I just sort of took off and bought a boat and--

And now I'm sailing...

With your bridge partner harriet lichtman.

- What?

- Ah, the sea air is so invigorating.

Ah, harriet. Ooh.

- Ray.

How can you tell your mother

That she could move in here with us?

- Well, that was just so we could keep playing the game.

That's all.

This great game.

- Ray, she's going to take it seriously.

How can you just make such a decision by yourself?

- There was no decision there. I was answering a question.

- I know you don't like talking to me, ray,

But I thought that at least we would discuss it

When this situation came up.

God!

- So you're not crazy about her moving in. Okay.

- I'm not talking to you.

- For the love of mike, I-I was just kidding!

- Oh, there's a reason you included harriet lichtman

In your sick fantasy.

- Yes. To get you mad.

- Well, I may be moving in sooner than I planned.

[baby cries]

- Oh, he's awake again.

- Hey, debra, you mind if I go upstairs

And try to calm him down?

- Yeah, sure, robert. - Thanks.

There's a lot of tension down here.

- All right, let's get this over with.

- Debra,

"while your mate is off snorkeling,

"you're relaxing in the resort hot tub.

"a sexy stranger starts playing footsie with you.

Do you withdraw your foot?"

- Ooh. [laughs]

Yes, of course.

- What the hell was that?

- What?

- What was that--that pause before you answered?

- I didn't pause.

- Yes, you did.

Yeah, you-- you went like this--

You went, "hmm, ooh."

What was that?

- Ray, if I paused, it was just to picture you snorkeling.

- Oh, you know, you--you're so obvious.

You're just mad at me because of the other thing.

- What other thing?

- Nothing, nothing.

- You moving in.

- Is--is that why debra followed you in the kitchen?

To yell at you?

- No.

- Talk about pauses. [laughs]

- Ray.

- All right, I'll take a lighter

And a can of hair spray.

- Debra, what did you say to him in there?

- It was ray! Ray's the one that said it.

- All right, I'm not saying anything anymore, okay?

- Well, when your mother showed up--

- Hey, you had a problem with my mother?

- A horrible woman.

- That woman was a saint!

- You let her move in

Without even discussing it with me.

- [robert singing] inchworm

Inchworm

Measuring the marigolds

You and your arithmetic

You'll certainly go far

Inchworm, inchworm

Measuring the marigolds

Seems to me you'd stop and see

How beautiful they are

- You know who used to sing you to sleep with that song?

My mother! - Oh, a horrible woman!

- Oh, come on, why do you start?

- She was a saint!

- I didn't like her, but I still took her in,

Not like some people.

- Marie, I like you. Damn it, I like you!

- Please, huh? Can't we play quietly?

I just put the kid to bed.

- I don't want to play with this group.

I've seen too much here tonight.

- What are you talking about?

- You lied. You made up questions.

The game is called scruples, marie, scruples!

- You raymond barone?

- Yeah, yeah.

- I'm from lynbrook cable.

- Oh, ho, ho! Finally!

Oh, god, this is great.

- Oh, it's not great for you.

You got an illegal cable splitter on your roof.

- I do?

- You didn't know nothing about it, right?

Oh, and it's a real cheap one.

That's why your cable service went out.

- Ray, I'm surprised at you.

- What did you do, ray?

- I didn't do anything.

I don't even know what a splitter is.

- It splits your signal, and it sends it somewhere else--

And in this case,

Right across the street to that house.

- Where are you going?

- Oh, I was just going to get some cocoa.

- You've been stealing cable?

- You're stealing cable from your own son?

- Sharing.

- Hey, look, you seem like you're a real nice family.

I'm sure you're going to work this all out.

But right now, you're looking at a $2,500 fine.

- [gasps]

- Have a good evening.

- Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute, pal.

It was an honest mistake. Maybe I can make it right.

Don't look at me like that.

You cannot judge me

Until you've walked in my shoes.

- That brings up an interesting point, dad.

What size shoes would those be?

About a 12, right?

- So what?

- Robert, when you were 11,

What size galoshes did you wear?

- 12.

- No more games!

- Don't worry.

When I move in here,

We'll play games all the time.

- Okay, ray, now that the cable's back,

I'm going to go upstairs and go to sleep.

- All right.

- Unless you want to collect on our deal.

- Commercial!

[thudding footsteps]