Original subtitles

- Hey, thanks for that interview, clark.

- Yeah, no problem.

Oh, excuse me, do you have change for the phone?

- Sure, yeah.

Do you need me to break a million?

Always getting on me about my salary?

- Heh! That's funny,

Calling seven million a salary.

- Well, what do you make?

- Why, that's kind of personal.

- Exactly.

- Yeah, but what you make is news,

Because it's so-- gigantic.

- All right. What do you make, really,

About say 50 a year?

- Yeah, about that. - Well, okay.

That's two columns a week, about eight columns a month,

About $500 a column.

- It is?

- Yeah, it's a buck a word.

For every little word like "the" and "a,"

If you hit the letter "a," it's a buck.

- I guess--I guess I'm doing all right then.

- You see? - Yeah.

- Oh, can I borrow a quarter for the phone?

- Here. Take two.

Hi, I'm ray,

And I live here in long island

With my wife, debra.

She's great with the kids,

The house, everything.

Oh, I don't know how she does it.

We've got a daughter, ally,

And twin two-year-old boys.

It's not really about the kids.

My parents live across the street.

That's right,

And my brother lives with them.

Now, not every family

Would go by on a conveyer belt for you,

But mine would, because--

- Everybody loves raymond.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey.

- Hey, want some sandwich?

- Hey!

- No, no, it's okay.

Listen, ma, I need construction paper.

Ally's making valentines for school.

- Oh, I used to love valentine's day.

Then I met your father.

- I used to love every day.

- Anybody see today's paper?

- Why? What's up?

- I'm in it.

- "large male seeks any woman."

- They discontinued my ad.

And I happen to have a girlfriend now,

Thank you very much.

It's in the metro section.

- Ooh, let me see, let me see.

[chuckles] oh, here you are!

- And do you see who's at the other end

Of those handcuffs?

- My god--leon.

[chuckling] look, frank.

Your friend leon.

- You arrested leon?

My leon?

- Technically now, the state of new york's leon.

- I've known this guy 40 years.

Since when is it a crime to sell merchandise

At far below wholesale prices?

- You should've seen his warehouse.

Fake designer luggage, imitation jewelry.

Macintush computers.

[robert and marie laughing]

- Hey, wait a minute.

Didn't you buy my engagement ring from leon?

- Relax.

He assured me it's a one of a kind

Flawless diamond.

- That's a fake.

- It's a fake?

- Hey, how do you know that's a fake?

- Well, because I have 300 more exactly like 'em

Down at the station.

- I want another ring, frank.

- You live 40 years with that one.

You can live another ten.

- I don't think so, frank.

I'm going shopping.

You'll be amazed at your generosity.

- Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

- What, what?

- Debra's ring is from leon too.

- You went to leon?

- I listened to him!

I was just trying to get more for my money.

I wanted to get debra a ring

That she could show her mother.

And leon threw in a set of golf clubs.

- I got snow tires.

- Oh, what did I do?

I can't have debra thinking I didn't care enough about her

To go to a real jeweler.

She's wearing glass!

- It's not glass.

It's glassette.

- I got to do what's right.

I got to--I got to replace her stone with another one.

A real one.

I'll spend 1,000 bucks if I have to, that's all.

2,000 bucks.

- 2,000 bucks for a diamond?

Hey, I know another guy.

- No more guys!

- Look, you're just gonna have to tell your wife

You purchased her discount engagement ring

From a crook, that's all.

- I can't let her find out.

She's going to think I'm a slimeball.

I'll have to steal it from her.

Hey.

Here you go.

- Oh, good.

- Thank you, daddy.

- Hey, look at all these valentines, huh?

Where's daddy's?

- You're going to get yours from mommy.

- I've been trying to get mine from mommy for--

- All right, all right.

I got your valentine right here.

Mmm. I love you.

- I love you? - Mm-hmm.

- A little wine with lunch today?

- Well, tomorrow's valentine's day.

Hey, sweetie, did you know that daddy asked me

To marry him on valentine's day?

- What did you say?

- Well, I thought about it,

But I said "yes" anyway.

[chuckles]

I love your daddy very much.

Mm-hmm!

- And I love mommy.

- [knocking]

Hey.

- Hey, hey, let me help you with that.

Whoa, what are you doing here?

- Did you get the ring yet?

- No, she never takes it off.

I'm going to need a bone saw.

Listen, just don't say anything, all right?

Nothing.

- Yeah, it's all about you, raymond.

Hey, debra, look, I, uh,

I have to ask your advice on something.

- Sure, robert.

- Well, I've been out with amy on four dates now,

And am I obligated

To get her something for valentine's day?

- Oh, well, I mean, if it helps you,

She's getting you something.

- That doesn't help me. - No.

- Do you know what her favorite color is?

- It's green, I think, yeah.

- Green, okay, good.

What does she weigh?

- Uh, I don't know.

But you know what? Most women like jewelry.

- Yeah, jewelry's a great gift.

Isn't it, raymond?

- Yeah, you really can't go wrong with jewelry.

Hey, ally, let's get some envelopes for these, okay.

- What are you talking about jewelry for?

- She brought it up.

- [whispers] debra.

Honey.

Have you been gaining weight?

[clears throat]

[clears throat]

[groans softly]

Oh!

Hi.

Want to play baker in the mineshaft?

- Okay.

But I get to be the baker this time.

[mouthing]

- Morning.

- Morning.

Hey, that was fun last night.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- You were very romantic, ray.

I love the way you kept holding my hand.

- Yeah, well, it's--

It's the way I do it.

- Ray.

- [grunting]

What? What?

- Happy valentine's day.

- Ha, ha, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

You too.

- Can you hand me a towel, ray?

[loud thumps]

[crash]

[clatter]

Ray?

[knock on door]

Amy! Hi.

Help me look.

- I just came by-- what are we looking for?

- My engagement ring.

- I might not be the best person to help.

I've spent the last ten years looking for an engagement ring.

- It couldn't have just disappeared.

I mean, how--

- Oh, well, you know what they say.

It'll be the last place you look.

- Of course it'll be the last place I look,

Because once I find it,

I won't have to look for it anymore!

I'm sorry. I'm just a little--

- Bitchy? - Yeah, that.

Maybe I'll do the kitchen again.

[knock on door]

- Saw your car.

- Thought I'd say hi to debra before our date.

- Hey, debra. What are you doing?

- She can't find her ring.

- Oh?

I don't know anything about it.

- Here.

Happy valentine's day.

- Thank you.

- It's a tie.

See the pattern?

I picked it out just for you:

Little guns.

- Smith & wesson 686 with a 2-pound trigger pull.

Standard police issue.

I love it.

Okay, all right, all right.

All right, and here--

That's for you.

- Oh, robert!

Look, debra, robert got me something.

- Yeah, good for you.

Listen, if anybody needs me,

I will be in the den pulling up carpeting.

- Hope you like it.

- Oh, my.

- Surprise!

It's an iguana.

- You know, with an iguana,

You really don't have to say "surprise."

- Well, debra told me that green was your favorite color.

And you know, the iguanas are the most loyal

Of all the reptiles.

And, uh, check him out, see?

- Ah!

- Lovely, lovely guy.

He's very, very, very docile.

- Did you find my ring?

Oh, just a lizard.

- Honey.

Debra.

- Ray?

- Hi.

There you go.

Happy--you know.

- [sobs]

Oh, these are beautiful, ray.

- I cried too.

Roses are twice as much on valentine's day.

- Listen, ray.

I have, uh, something to tell you.

Well, I've looked everywhere, but I--

I think I've lost my engagement ring.

[sobs]

- Aw, aw.

Aw, all right.

All right, don't worry.

I'm sure it'll turn up, huh?

Did you look in the sofa?

- I don't think I'm gonna find it.

Oh, god, I knew this was going to happen one day.

- All right, all right, don't worry.

- No, listen, ray.

I have a confession to make to you.

Right after we got engaged,

I had the original stone replaced.

- What?

- Honey, when you asked me to marry you,

I was so happy, believe me.

But that diamond,

I mean, you know, I--

I knew you got the best stone you could afford,

Bless your heart.

But, well, like, you know, my parents

Weren't that crazy about you to begin with,

And I didn't want to show 'em that stone.

- I understand.

- You know my grandmother abby?

She'd given me her ring years before,

So I put that stone in your setting and--

[sobs]

- Do you remember how much it was worth?

Just ballpark?

- Oh, sweetie, it's not important.

- How important is it not?

- What?

- How much was old abby's stone worth?

- $15,000.

I could just kill myself, ray!

- This could be a murder-suicide.

- I got to keep looking for it.

- Yeah, you-- no, no, no.

No, no, no, stop looking.

Stop looking.

Listen, we have to be realistic, okay?

The ring is gone.

It's gone.

All right? Listen.

All right, you made a mistake, that's all.

Everybody makes a mistake.

You know what? You're lucky.

'cause--'cause you're married to a guy

Who doesn't care about those things.

- Oh! - Don't lift that cushion!

Stop torturing yourself!

It's gone, that's all.

Look.

You know what we both could use right now?

Pie.

Let's have a little pie with--

- Okay, you're right.

I got to stop thinking about this.

- Okay. You know, maybe it's in the--

Oh, my god! You found it!

Oh, my god!

Give it to me! Give it to me!

Give it to me! Oh, god, oh!

Oh! Oh, ray!

- Yeah.

- [laughing] - yeah.

Oh, what a happy moment now.

- Oh, sweetie, oh, come here.

Come here! Oh, listen--

You know, when you first gave me this ring,

I just knew we were going to be together forever.

- Keep that in mind.

- Here.

You put it on me, okay?

Go on, put it on me.

Oh, my god!

- There you go.

- What did you do?

- I, uh,

Meant well.

- You changed the stone in my ring.

Where is my grandmother's diamond?

- Just like grandma.

Gone.

- You threw it out?

- I-I didn't know that it was a $15,000 diamond.

I thought it was just a piece of junk.

- So you knew that the first ring you bought me

Was a piece of junk?

- I was trying to get you more for your money, that's all.

This is your fault anyway!

- My fault?

- That's right!

If you had just been honest enough to tell me

That you'd changed it,

Then I wouldn't have had to steal it from you.

- Yeah, well, you're a great thief, ray.

You just threw out $15,000.

Who'd you get this stone from, leon?

- How--

Dare you!

Huh?

- How could you do this to me?

- 'cause I was trying to fix the whole thing!

- Why, after eight years, do you try to fix it now?

- Because I love you, huh?

Why did you change it eight years ago?

- Because I love you!

- Mommy, daddy.

- Honey, you're supposed to be

Getting ready for bed now, sweetie.

- Look what I found in my backpack.

- What is it?

- A valentine.

Kenny gave it to me.

- Oh.

That's really sweet, honey.

- It's stuck with gum.

- Kenny blew a big bubble and put it in there for me.

Both: Ah.

- He must really like me.

- Yeah, that's sweet.

Listen, why don't you go up and get ready for bed,

And we'll be right there, okay?

Ha, wow.

Look at that.

A wad of gum on a piece of paper.

- Yeah.

Cheap bastard.

[clattering]

[cat yowls]

[clanking, clattering continues]

Oh, man. Can we take a break?

My eyes are burnin'.

- Not until we find the diamond.

- [groans]

Here's a ring... Finger.