Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

( gears grind )

YOU ARE PROBABLY WONDERING WHAT I AM DOING

DRIVING A GERMAN ARMORED CAR.

WELL, I HAVE BEEN HELPING THE CAPTAIN

TO BLOW UP A TRAIN WITH A SAUSAGE ON IT.

I KNOW, I KNOW THAT THIS DOES NOT SOUND IMPORTANT,

BUT IT IS.

THE SAUSAGE IS BEING SENT TO HITLER,

WHO THINKS THAT IT CONTAINS THE PRICELESS PORTRAIT

OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES.

THAT PAINTING IS, IN FACT, IN THE SAUSAGE IN MY CELLAR.

THAT FOUR-EYED BERK UP THERE BEHIND THE GUN TURRET,

WHO COULD NOT-- COULD NOT HIT A BARN DOOR AT 20 PACES,

FAILED TO HIT THE TRAIN.

SO NOW, HITLER WILL RECEIVE AN EMPTY SAUSAGE.

WHEN THAT HAPPENS, MY FRIEND,

THE KNOCKWURST WILL REALLY HIT THE FAN.

HOWEVER, ONE DISASTER AT A TIME.

IF I CAN PARK THIS THING BACK AT MY CAFE,

BEFORE ANYBODY REALIZES THAT WE HAVE NICKED IT,

WELL, AT LEAST, I WILL NOT GET DONE

FOR TAKING AND DRIVING AWAY AN ARMORED CAR

WITHOUT THE PERMISSION OF THE OWNER.

HELGA, YOU WILL DRIVE.

DO NOT WORRY, LIEUTENANT,

YOU MAY RELY ON THE GESTAPO TO FIND YOUR MISSING TANK.

WHEN WE DO, THE OCCUPANTS WILL BE SHOT.

BUT, COLONEL, IT IS RATHER CHILLY,

SHALL I PLACE THIS RUG OVER OUR KNEES?

NO, THE COLD AIR WILL BE GOOD FOR US,

PARTICULARLY YOU.

WHICH WAY, HERR FLICK?

WE WILL FOLLOW THE OBVIOUS TIRE MARKS

OF THE STOLEN ARMORED CAR.

WHAT IS GOING ON?

THIS STUPID ENGLISHMAN DISGUISED AS A POLICEMAN

TOLD THE LIEUTENANT THAT HIS TANK HAD BEEN STOLEN.

I DID NIT KNOW

THAT IT HAD BEEN DROVE AWAR BY RENE,

RENE WHO WALKS IN THE BEER.

IDIOT!

Yvette: EDITH,

HERR FLICK HAS A GUN.

IF HE FINDS RENE, HE WILL SHOOT HIM.

OH, NO. WE MUST RESCUE HIM.

WE WILL FOLLOW.

WE WILL USE THE BICYCLES OF THE CUSTOMERS. COME.

MADAME EDITH, DO YOU HAVE A SPANNER OR A WRENCH?

- TO HIT THEM WITH? - I MUST LOWER MY SADDLE,

OTHERWISE MY FEET WILL NOT REACH THE PEDALS.

SIT ON THE CROSSBAR.

AND WATCH OUT FOR THAT 3-SPEED GEAR.

UH, CAPTAIN?

WHAT IS IT?

A WORD OF WARNING.

THIS TIME MIND THE BRIDGE.

THANK YOU, I WILL.

- ( metal clangs ) - OOOH!

Michelle: THE AMMUNITION LORRY WILL BE HERE IN A FEW MINUTES.

LET US PUT IN PLACE THE ROADBLOCK.

( cows mooing )

THE TRACKS ARE FAINT,

BUT THEY ARE STILL VISIBLE.

STRAIGHT ON!

YVETTE, MARIA, PULL DOWN YOUR SKIRTS.

YOU WANT TO GET MY CAFE A BAD NAME?

IT DOES NOT HURT TO ADVERTISE.

I MUST GO AND SEE TO THE WELFARE

OF THE BRITISH AIRMEN.

HOW'RE YOU GETTING ON THERE, CHAPS?

- Fairfax: WHAT'S HAPPENING? - YES, HOW MUCH LONGER DO WE

HAVE TO STAY OUT HERE?

YOU ARE NOT DUE FOR MILKING UNTIL 5:30.

I'M JOLLY HUNGRY!

HERE IS A BAR OF CHOCOLATE.

WE HAVE TO BLOW UP AN AMMUNITION LORRY,

THEN WE'LL SEE IF WE CAN RUSTLE UP SOME SOUP.

OH, GOOD SHOW.

HENRIETTE, HAVE YOU CONNECTED THE TERMINALS TO THE PLUNGER?

- I HAVE. - WHERE ARE THE EXPLOSIVES?

THEY'RE OVER THERE.

THEY ARE BURIED IN THE ROAD.

GOOD.

I SEE NO SIGN OF THE AMMUNITION LORRY.

LOOK, AN ARMORED CAR IS APPROACHING

FROM THE OTHER DIRECTION.

GET YOUR GUNS AT THE READY.

IF WE CAN HOLD IT UP FOR A FEW MOMENTS THE LORRY WILL BE HERE,

AND WE CAN FULFILL OUR MISSION FOR FRANCE.

MICHELLE,

YOU ARE THE BRAVEST GIRL THAT I KNOW.

YOU TOO, HENRIETTE.

GOD BLESS OUR MISSION.

GOD BLESS FRANCE.

WH-- WH-- WHAT IS THAT IN THE ROAD?

IT IS A FARM WAGON.

IT IS VERY BADLY PARKED.

STOP AND I WILL GET OUT AND MOVE IT.

READY?

FIRE!

( guns fire )

ON SECOND THOUGHTS, I WILL WAIT A BIT.

RENE, QUICK, A HANDKERCHIEF.

ARE YOU WOUNDED?

NO, I WISH TO SURRENDER.

DON'T SHOOT! WE GIVE UP!

WHOO!

STOP!

IT IS THE WHITE FLAG OF SURRENDER.

LOOK, IT IS RENE.

YOU TRAITOR!

SO, YOU HAVE JOINED THE GERMANS?

THIS GENTLEMAN KINDLY HELPED ME TO BORROW THE TANK,

SO WE COULD BLOW UP THE TRAIN--

THE ONE YOU REFUSED TO BLOW UP

BECAUSE YOU WERE BLOWING UP AN AMMUNITION LORRY.

- THAT IS WHY WE ARE HERE. - YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.

AS SOON AS WE HEARD YOU WERE BLOWING IT UP, WE CANCELED IT.

- WHO TOLD YOU? - HE DID.

OOPS, SHOULDN'T I HAVE MENTIONED THAT?

COLLABORATOR.

MICHELLE, IT IS ALL PART OF A VERY COMPLICATED PLAN

TO DO WITH HITLER AND A SAUSAGE,

AND A LOT OF PAINTINGS WHICH WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND HALF OF IT MYSELF.

A GESTAPO STAFF CAR IS APPROACHING.

- WHAT? - OUR MISSION IS BLOWN.

WE MUST SCARPER.

QUICK!

Colonel: HANS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH HUBERT'S LITTLE TANK?

Flick: I, TOO, WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION.

WELL, COLONEL, YOU SEE--

IT'S QUITE CLEAR TO SEE WHAT HAS HAPPENED, HERR FLICK.

RENE OVERHEARD A PLOT BY THE RESISTANCE

TO BLOW UP AN AMMUNITION LORRY.

ASSISTED BY THE CAPTAIN, HE BORROWED THE ARMORED CAR

AND, WITH GREAT BRAVERY,

FOUND THE ROADBLOCK AND FOUGHT OFF THE RESISTANCE,

WHO, EVEN NOW, CAN BE SEEN

RUNNING ACROSS THE FIELDS.

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO SAY ALL THAT.

IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY FIERCE BATTLE.

MY ARMORED CAR IS COVERED WITH LITTLE DENTS.

AND THERE IS MUD ALL OVER THE WHEELS.

I AM NOT ENTIRELY CONVINCED BY THIS STORY.

I HAVE FOUND PROOF, HERR FLICK.

SEE?

THIS DEVICE IS COMMONLY USED BY THE RESISTANCE

WHEN THEY ARE GOING TO BLOW SOMETHING UP.

WHAT NONSENSE.

THIS IS AN ORDINARY TIRE PUMP

WHICH HAS BEEN DISCARDED BY A PASSING MOTORIST.

THIS WOULD NOT EVEN BLOW UP A TIRE.

Helga: HERR FLICK,

YOU HAVE EXPLODED THE GESTAPO CAR.

WELL, THAT'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

THE GESTAPO CAN ALWAYS GET ANOTHER CAR FROM BERLIN.

I SHALL NOT BE INFORMING BERLIN OF THIS INCIDENT.

I DO NOT WISH TO LOOK A RIGHT NANA.

LOOK!

YOU FOOLS!

YOU HAVE BLOWN OUR COVERS.

Flick: LIEUTENANT GRUBER, YOU WILL DRIVE US HOME.

WHAT'S GOING ON NOW, FAIRFAX?

A LOT OF GIRLS IN THEIR SCANTIES

ARE CLIMBING ONTO MEN'S BICYCLES.

OH, COME ON! WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON?

I NEVER WANT TO GO THROUGH A NIGHT LIKE THAT AGAIN.

WHEN HITLER GET HIS HANDS ON THE COLONEL'S SAUSAGE,

AND FINDS NO PAINTING,

THE COLONEL AND CAPTAIN WILL HAVE HAD THEIR CHIPS.

GOOD RIDDANCE.

SPEAKING FOR MYSELF, I AM UP TO HERE WITH SAUSAGES,

AND PAINTINGS, AND GESTAPO, AND ESCAPING AIRMEN.

ALL I WANT IS A QUIET LIFE.

( loud banging )

- CUSTOMERS. - TELL THEM WE ARE CLOSED.

GO AWAY!

CAFE RENE DOES NOT REOPEN UNTIL 9:30!

OH, IT IS THE COLONEL AND CAPTAIN.

OH MY GOD, WHAT NOW? LET THEM IN.

QUICK, HANS, CLOSE THE CURTAINS.

COLONEL, WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE THAT? IS THE WAR OVER?

FOR US? VERY LIKELY.

WHEN HITLER GETS THAT EMPTY SAUSAGE

AND THE TELEGRAM FROM THE COLONEL,

HE WILL SEND SOME VERY NASTY MEN TO LOOK FOR US.

RENE...

- YOU MUST HELP US GET AWAY. - WHAT?!

WE THOUGHT SWITZERLAND WOULD DO VERY NICELY.

WE KNOW YOU RUN AN ESCAPE ROUTE.

YES, WE NEED PAPERS. WE KNOW YOU HAVE A FORGER.

OH, DEAR COLONEL, I THINK YOU HAVE

QUITE THE WRONG IDEA ABOUT ME.

I AM JUST A SIMPLE CAFE OWNER.

RENE, IF YOU DO NOT HELP US,

I WILL DROP YOU IN IT.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO USE FOR MONEY?

WE HAVE THE PAINTING, AND THE WEEK'S PAYROLL FOR THE TROOPS.

( all gasp )

BUT WHEN THE TROOPS FIND OUT,

WILL THEY NOT BE CROSS?

- THEY WILL BE HOPPING MAD. - ( knocking )

IT IS THE POLICE.

( screeching ) POLICE?! NO!

DON'T LET THEM IN! WE HAVE NO PAPERS!

CAPTAIN!

OPEN THE DOOR.

OH MY GOD, IT'S THAT STUPID BRITISH IDIOT

WHO THINKS HE CAN SPEAK FRENCH.

GOOD MOANING.

I WOULD OFFER YOU A COGNAC, OFFICER,

BUT I KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DRINK ON DUTY, SO, GOODBYE.

I HAVE COME TO EXPRESS MY REGROTS

FOR THE BILLS UP, LAST NIGHT.

YES, WELL, THERE WILL BE AN EVEN BIGGER

BILLS UP THIS MOANING IF YOU DO NOT GO AWAY.

I HAVE GOOD NOSE.

YES, YES, YOU ARE VERY HANDSOME,

NOW, PLEASE GO.

MY NOSE IS AS FOLLOWS,

THE TROON CARRYING THE SAUSAGE

HAS BEEN BUMMED BY THE R.A.F.

BUMMED BY THE R.A.F.?

Both: BUMMED BY THE R.A.F.?

WHAT HAVE THE NAUGHTY R.A.F. BEEN UP TO NOW?

THEY HAVE BOMBED AN AMMUNITION TRAIN.

DID THEY DESTROY IT?

THERE WERE LITTLE PISSES ALL OVER THE TRACK.

HANS, THIS CALLS FOR A DRINK.

- ( banging ) - OHHH... EDITH,

YVETTE, MARIA-AAA,

HOW MUCH LONGER AM I TO BE IGNORED?

OH, EDITH,

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I HAVE NOT SEEN YOU FOR DAYS.

DO NOT BE SILLY, MAMMA. I GAVE YOU YOUR LUNCH.

- OH! - LISTEN, I HAVE GOOD NEWS.

MONSIEUR ALPHONSE THE UNDERTAKER

IS CALLING.

UNDERTAKER! AARGHH!

SO LITTLE TIME.

NO, NO, MAMMA. I THINK HE IS IN LOVE WITH ME.

OH, IT IS SO ROMANTIC.

I THINK HE IS COMING TO PROPOSE TO ME.

DO YOU REMEMBER,

WE MET HIM IN THE SQUARE?

HE HAS A MOUSTACHE.

OH, YES, YES. I REMEMBER HIM WELL.

HE HAD A LITTLE STIFF ONE.

THAT IS HE.

OH, HE HAS SUCH MANNERS.

AND TODAY THIS ARRIVED,

AND ON IT WAS HIS LITTLE CARD

WITH A LOVE MESSAGE.

"SWIFTLY

AND WITH STYLE,"

HE HAS A HIGH OPINION OF HIMSELF.

NO, NO, NO, MAMMA.

THE OTHER SIDE.

"I ALWAYS THINK ENGAGEMENT RINGS

ARE SUCH ROMANTIC PRETTY THINGS.

AND SO, BEFORE MY LIFE IS DONE,

I WOULD DEARLY LIKE TO GIVE YOU ONE."

COULD YOU READ THE FIRST PART AGAIN?

- QUICK, SHUT THE DOOR. - WHERE IS MY WIFE?

SHE IS UPSTAIRS, DRESSED UP LIKE THE DINNER OF A DOG.

SHE IS GOING TO PARADE HERSELF

YET AGAIN IN THE TOWN SQUARE.

BUT, RENE, YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY.

IF SHE MARRIES, YOU WILL BE FREE.

AND WITHOUT A SOLITARY SOU.

WE WILL HAVE MONEY.

WE WILL BORROW EXPLOSIVES FROM THE RESISTANCE,

BLOW THE SAFE, NICK THE MONEY,

AND HIDE IN A LITTLE GARRET IN PARIS,

AND MAKE LOVE DAY AND NIGHT

UNTIL THE WAR IS OVER.

THE VERY THOUGHT OF IT MAKES ME GO WEAK AT THE KNEES.

( knocks )

OH, NOT HER AGAIN.

NOW LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,

I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE.

THE ESCAPE PACKAGE BROUGHT BY THIS BRITISH AGENT

WAS DAMAGED IN THE LANDING.

YOU MUST HELP US TO MEND IT.

MEND IT? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS.

IT IS A BALLOON MADE OF SILK.

FILLED WITH HOT AIR, IT WILL LIFT

THE BASKET WITH THE AIRMEN,

AND, WITH A FAVORABLE WIND,

TAKE THEM BACK ACROSS THE CHANNEL.

BRILLIANT,

WHAT DO YOU WANT? A NEEDLE AND COTTON?

SOME OF THE FABRIC IS TORN AWAY AND MISSING.

WE NEED SILK TO REPLACE IT.

SILK?

WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND SILK?

THE AGENT CRABTREE HAS A PLAN,

WHICH HE WILL EXPLAIN.

YOU MUST GO AND GET

YOUR HENDS ON GIRLS' KNOCKERS.

HE MEANS SILK KNICKERS.

SORRY, PERHAPS MY FRENCH COD BE BUTTER.

I WILL GIVE UP MY KNICKERS FOR FRANCE!

ALWAYS THE PATRIOT.

ALL THE GIRLS IN THE RESISTANCE

WILL SACRIFICE THEIR KNICKERS.

WHEN I HEAR WORDS LIKE THAT,

IT BRINGS A LUMP TO MY THROAT.

BUT EVEN THAT WILL NOT BE ENOUGH.

WELL, HOW MANY PAIRS OF KNOCK--

KNICKERS DO YOU REQUIRE?

AT LEAST FARTY,

OR EVEN FIFTY.

I WILL TRY FOR 50.

RENE, HAS YOUR WIFE'S MOTHER PASSED AWAY?

WELL, IF SHE HAS, SHE DID NOT TELL ME.

WHY DO YOU ASK?

OUTSIDE HAS DRAWN UP A HEARSE WITH A HORSE.

AN HORSE HEARSE, OUTSIDE MY CAFE?

WHAT CAN THAT MEAN?

- RENE, GO AWAY. - WHAT?

IT IS MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.

HE HAS COME TO COURT ME.

AH, THE WIDOW ARTOIS.

YOU LOOK SO PALE AND BEAUTIFUL.

HOW CAN THIS MAN SEE TO BURY PEOPLE?

I THINK YOU HAVE MET

THE TWIN BROTHER OF MY HUSBAND.

AH, MONSIEUR,

HOW FORTUNATE IT IS THAT YOU ARE HERE,

AS I WISH TO MAKE MY INTENTIONS KNOWN TO YOU.

YOU MAY SPEAK WITH COMPLETE FRANKNESS, MONSIEUR,

MY GIRLS CATER TO EVERY TASTE.

YOU CLUMSY OAF! MONSIEUR ALPHONSE HAS COME TO ASK

FOR MY HAND IN MARRIAGE.

- WHAT? - IT IS CORRECT.

RENE, WHERE IS YOUR HOSPITALITY?

LET US BE SEATED, AND HAVE SOME WINE.

RENE, A COGNAC FOR MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.

COGNAC, MARIA.

AND NOW, MONSIEUR,

I BELIEVE YOU ARE THE NEXT OF KIN

AND GUARDIAN OF THIS ENCHANTING LADY.

THEREFORE, YOU WILL WISH TO KNOW

WHAT I HAVE TO OFFER.

YES, WHAT DOES AN OLD UNDERTAKER HAVE TO OFFER?

MONSIEUR, AS YOU KNOW

I HAVE MY OWN UNDERTAKER'S ESTABLISHMENT

AND SINCE THE WAR, BUSINESS HAS BEEN VERY BRISK.

IT IS AN ILL WIND, AS THEY SAY.

NOW, MONSIEUR...

I HAVE TWO HEARSES AND FOUR HORSES.

FOUR HORSES, RENE!

HE SHOULD HAVE GOOD RHUBARB.

I HAVE 236 FEET OF PLANED OAK,

STOCKS OF ELM, PINE, ET CETERA.

I HAVE 26 MARBLE ANGELS,

12 CONCRETE CHERUBS,

100 WEIGHT OF ASSORTED HANDLES

AND EIGHT GALLONS OF EMBALMING FLUID. CHEERS.

IT SOUNDS A VERY GOOD BUSINESS, RENE.

WHO COULD REFUSE A MAN WITH ALL THOSE COFFINS

AND EIGHT GALLONS OF EMBALMING FLUIDS?

I SHOULD ALSO MENTION,

I HAVE A SMALL HEARSE WITH A SMALLER HORSE.

VERY HANDY FOR SHOPPING.

AND WHERE IS YOUR HOUSE?

MY HOUSE.

I HAVE A SPACIOUS APARTMENT

EQUIPPED WITH EVERY LUXURY.

AND WHERE IS THIS APARTMENT?

OVER THE MORTUARY.

IT WAS FURNISHED BY MY LATE WIFE

WHO WAS TAKEN SUDDENLY IN THE THE NIGHT.

WELL, AT LEAST SHE DID NOT HAVE FAR TO GO.

OF COURSE, I REALIZE, BEAUTIFUL LADY,

THAT YOU HAVE THE PICK OF THE TOWN.

THAT YOU ALSO HAVE YOUNGER SUITORS,

MORE...

"ACTIVE" SUITORS.

BUT BELIEVE ME,

IN SPITE OF MY YEARS,

I AM STILL FIT ENOUGH TO BANG--

THANK YOU-- A COFFIN TOGETHER...

IN THE TOUGHEST WOOD.

I ALSO HAVE DRIVING AMBITION.

ONE DAY,

I AIM TO HAVE A LITTLE--

CREMATORIUM OF MY OWN.

I AM GOING TO BE A NERVOUS WRECK IN A MINUTE.

I REALIZE, OF COURSE, THAT YOU CANNOT COME

TO A DECISION AT THIS MOMENT.

ANYWAY, IT IS TIME I WENT,

AS I AM DUE TO LAY THE WIDOW MONTCLERE--

OUT IN HALF AN HOUR.

YOU HAVE CERTAINLY GIVEN US A LOT TO THINK ABOUT.

MY RESPECTS, MONSIEUR.

LADIES...

WIDOW ARTOIS.

I AWAIT YOUR DECISION

WITH ANGUISH.

YOU CAN ALWAYS GET ME

ON MY NIGHT LINE.

I GIVE 24-HOUR SERVICE.

LOCK-KNIT WOOL, NO GOOD.

IT WOULD LET OUT THE GAS.

AH, I SEE A BIG PAIR.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MONSIEUR?

PARDON, MADAME, I AM DOING IT FOR FRANCE.

I HAVE TO HAVE YOUR KNICKERS.

- ( knocks ) - ENTER.

YES, HELGA, WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU?

JUDGING FROM PAST EXPERIENCE, VERY LITTLE.

COLONEL, I HAVE SOMETHING VERY SERIOUS TO REPORT,

AND IT IS VERY PERSONAL.

A BUN IN THE OVEN?

HOW DARE YOU?!

HELGA, YOU ARE AMONGST FRIENDS. WHAT IS IT?

I HAVE TO REPORT THAT I HAVE LOST MY KNICKERS.

I WAS ON THE RIGHT LINE.

ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH THE FELLOW?

IT HAPPENED JUST NOW IN THE GARDEN.

- THEY WERE REMOVED WHEN I WAS NOT EVEN LOOKING. - IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?

THEY WERE TAKEN FROM THE LINE.

THEY WERE MY BEST SILK ONES.

THE ONES WITH THE LITTLE SWASTIKAS AROUND THE EDGE.

HANS, HOW DID YOU KNOW? WHEN DID YOU SEE HELGA'S KNICKERS?

IT WAS, UH... CHRISTMAS,

WHEN SHE WAS HANGING UP THE HOLLY.

NO WONDER YOU WERE SO KEEN TO HOLD UP THE LADDER.

WHAT DO YOU WISH ME TO DO?

ARREST SOME PEASANTS AND SHOOT THEM.

HELGA, EVEN GERMANS CANNOT SHOOT PEOPLE

FOR ONE PAIR OF KNICKERS.

YOU ARE RIGHT, COLONEL.

AFTER ALL, WHAT IS IN A PAIR OF KNICKERS?

- HERR FLICK. - HEIL HITLER.

- HEIL HITLER. - KLOP.

COLONEL, IN THE TOWN UNDER YOUR COMMAND,

THERE IS SERIOUS INDISCIPLINE.

COULD YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC, HERR FLICK?

MY AGENTS REPORT

THAT THERE ARE MANY KNICKERS DISAPPEARING IN THIS TOWN.

REALLY? WHAT KIND OF A MAN WOULD DO THAT?

KINKY.

MINE WERE REMOVED ONLY A FEW MOMENTS AGO.

NOT THE ONES WITH THE LITTLE SWASTIKAS ON THE EDGE?

THE VERY SAME.

SUDDENLY THIS MINOR INCIDENT

HAS TAKEN A VERY SERIOUS TURN.

WHEN ORDINARY FRENCH KNICKERS ARE REMOVED

ONE COULD LOOK THE OTHER WAY.

TO REMOVE THE KNICKERS OF GLORIOUS GERMAN ARMY WOMANHOOD

CAN ONLY RESULT IN ONE PENALTY...

- LIFE? - DEATH.

WHAT DO YOU WISH ME TO DO, HERR FLICK?

A MAN SUSPECTED OF THE STEALING

WAS SEEN GOING INTO THE BACK DOOR OF CAFE RENE.

YOU WILL INVESTIGATE.

AT ONCE, HERR FLICK.

HEIL HITLER.

- HEIL HITLER. - KLOP.

( big sigh )

YOU SEEM VERY FAR AWAY, RENE.

YOU HAVE NOT SPOKEN TO ME ALL MORNING.

MY HEART IS FULL OF SADNESS, EDITH.

IT SEEMS AFTER ALL THESE YEARS OF MAGIC,

I AM TO LOSE YOU TO A DIRECTOR OF FUNERALS.

YOUR HEART IS FULL OF SADNESS BECAUSE YOU ARE WORRIED

ABOUT LOSING THE CAFE.

BUT I HAVE BEEN THINKING, RENE.

I CANNOT DO THIS TO YOU AFTER ALL THESE YEARS.

OH, EDITH! YOU HAVE MADE ME VERY HAPPY.

I WILL LET YOU STAY ON AS A BARMAN.

NO, NO, I COULD NOT STAY HERE

AND WATCH THE TWO OF YOU CLIMB THOSE STAIRS TOGETHER.

OH, RENE, I PROMISE YOU I WOULD NEVER DO THAT WITH HIM.

WE WILL CLIMB THE STAIRS AT HIS PLACE.

THAT DOES IT. I WILL GO NOW.

NO LONGER CAN I PUT A BRAVE FACE ON THIS...

TRAGIC AFFAIR.

( sobbing )

RENE, DO I REALLY MEAN SO MUCH TO YOU?

AND IS IT TRUE YOU COULD NOT LIVE WITHOUT ME?

AND IF I PROMISE TO MARRY YOU, WILL YOU PROMISE FOREVERMORE TO BE FAITHFUL TO ME?

( continues sobbing )

AND DO YOU FIND ME AS BEAUTIFUL AS EVER?

( continues sobbing )

THEN, ALTHOUGH IT WILL BREAK MONSIEUR ALPHONSE'S HEART,

I WILL TELL HIM I AM DESTINED FOR ANOTHER.

THERE IS ANOTHER ONE?

YOU, RENE.

( sobs )

OH, I AM GLAD I CAN STILL MAKE YOU HAPPY.

MADAME, THESE FLOWERS HERE WERE ON THE DOORSTEP.

THEY ARE ADDRESSED TO YOU.

THEY ARE FROM A MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.

I HEAR HE INTENDS TO MARRY YOU.

NO, I HAVE MADE UP MY MIND.

I AM GOING TO MARRY RENE.

MARRY RENE?

I AM AFRAID SO.

CONGRATULATIONS!

( sobs ) AARGHH!

THE ETERNAL TRIANGLE.

COLONEL, WELCOME TO MY HUMBLE CAFE.

I AM AFRAID THIS IS AN OFFICIAL VISIT, RENE.

LINE UP YOUR STAFF, IMMEDIATELY.

OH, YES, OF COURSE, COLONEL.

COME IN HERE, ALL OF YOU.

THE COLONEL WISHES TO SPEAK WITH YOU.

WAS IT THE RABBIT LAST NIGHT, COLONEL?

IT WAS NOT THE RABBIT.

OH, I SEE. THEN MAY I ENQUIRE

THE NATURE OF YOUR PROBLEM?

KNICKERS.

I AM SORRY I ASKED.

NOW, PAY ATTENTION, ALL OF YOU.

THERE ARE MISSING IN THIS TOWN,

MANY PAIRS OF SILK KNICKERS,

INCLUDING A PAIR

FORMERLY OCCUPIED BY A MEMBER

OF THE GERMAN STAFF,

WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS.

HELGA.

THEY HAVE BEEN TRACED TO THIS ADDRESS.

I REQUIRE AN EXPLANATION.

WELL, COLONEL, IT IS VERY SIMPLE.

WE WANTED THE SILK,

WHICH IS IN VERY SHORT SUPPLY,

TO MAKE A WEDDING DRESS.

A WEDDING DRESS?

HOW-- HOW ROMANTIC.

WHO IS IT FOR?

YOU.

ME. I AM TO BE MARRIED.

- WHO'S THE LUCKY MAN? - IT IS I,

ALPHONSE, DIRECTOR OF FUNERALS,

"SWIFTLY AND WITH STYLE."

Both: HURRAY!

NO, NO. YOU MISUNDERSTAND.

I AM TO MARRY THE BROTHER OF MY LATE HUSBAND,

RENE.

RENE?! AARGHH!

MONSIEUR, A FEW HOURS AGO,

I CAME HERE AS A MAN OF HONOR

TO ASK YOU FOR THIS LADY'S HAND.

YOU HAVE HUMILIATED ME, MONSIEUR.

YOU HAVE INSULTED ME.

I WILL HAVE SATISFACTION.

IT IS TOO LATE FOR THAT. SHE HAS CHOSEN ME.

I AM A MAN OF HONOR, MONSIEUR.

YOU WILL BE HEARING FROM ME,

AND MY REPRESENTATIVES WILL ARRANGE THE TIME...

AND THE PLACE.

HE WILL NOT TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER, WILL HE?

RENE, HE HAS CHALLENGED YOU TO A DUEL.

WHAT?!

JUST THINK, MEN ARE FIGHTING OVER ME.

OH, SHUT UP.

COLONEL, COLONEL, YOU MUST HAVE FRIENDS,

I NEED PAPERS. I HAVE TO GET AWAY. PLEASE!

"SWIFTLY AND WITH STYLE,"

OH MY GOD.

( theme music playing )