Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

I SHOULD BE TUCKED UP IN A NICE WARM BED

IN MY CAFE COUNTING SHEEP.

INSTEAD, I AM STANDING HERE

DISGUISED AS A MUSHROOM PICKER

COUNTING COWS GOING THROUGH THIS GATE.

I WILL TELL YOU A SECRET--

NOT ALL OF THESE COWS ARE COWS.

ONE OF THEM CONTAINS TWO ESCAPING BRITISH AIRMEN.

CAN YOU DETECT WHICH ONE?

Carstairs: HOLD ON A MINUTE,

I'VE LOST MY WATCH.

THAT WAS NOT VERY DIFFICULT, WAS IT?

COME! WE MUST HURRY.

THE PLANE WILL BE HERE IN FOUR MINUTES.

WE MUST GET ACROSS THE ROAD BEHIND THE COPSE.

Carstairs: I HOPE THERE AREN'T ANY BULLS ABOUT.

Fairfax: I SHOULDN'T WORRY. THE OTHER COWS HAVE

MUCH MORE INTERESTING BACKSIDES THAN YOURS.

OH HECK, IT IS A GERMAN PATROL.

- WHAT?! - GET DOWN! HIDE BEHIND THE HEDGE.

( blows lamp )

HAVE YOUR GUNS AT THE READY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I AM A SIMPLE MILKING MAID.

I AM TAKING THESE COWS TO THE MEADOW

WHERE THEY WILL EAT THE GRASS.

THE GREEN GRASS WILL MAKE THE MILK.

THE MILK WILL MAKE THE BUTTER.

AND THE BUTTER WE WILL SPREAD ON THE BREAD

OF THE VICTORIOUS GERMAN SOLDIER.

WE ARE ABOUT TO DIE

AND HE STARTS A LECTURE ON FARMING.

WE ARE IN NEED OF SOME MILK.

KURT, LEND ME YOUR HELMET.

I WILL OBTAIN SOME FROM THESE COWS.

BUT THEY HAVE ALREADY BEEN MILKED.

WE NEED JUST A FEW SQUIRTS FOR OUR COFFEE.

OH MY GOD.

THIS APPEARS TO BE A QUIET ONE.

IF THEY FIND OUT IT IS A WASHING UP GLOVE

HANGING DOWN THERE, WE HAVE HAD IT.

( gun cocks )

( guns cock )

UNFORTUNATELY, IT SEEMS TO HAVE VERY SMALL TITTIES.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

COME AWAY FROM THAT COW. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ON PATROL.

I AM SORRY, SERGEANT.

PUT YOUR HELMETS BACK ON.

GET INTO LINE.

QUICK, MARCH!

THAT WAS A NEAR THING.

HE ACTUALLY GOT HOLD OF IT.

OH MY GOD.

I WAS SO SCARED, I HAVE BEEN EATING A TOADSTOOL.

I WILL PROBABLY DIE. ( retches )

BE QUIET.

- ( airplane droning ) - I HEAR THE PLANE.

WE MUST HURRY.

Edith: IT IS A VERY BIG ONE.

I THINK IT IS A TRANSPORT PLANE.

RENE, HOW CAN THAT GREAT BIG PLANE

LAND IN THIS LITTLE FIELD?

IT IS NOT LANDING. LOOK!

Maria: THEY HAVE RELEASED TWO PARACHUTES.

THEY ARE GOING TO DROP THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WOOD.

QUICK!

THEY MUST HAVE LANDED SOMEWHERE NEAR HERE.

Fairfax: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M GOING NO FURTHER

UNTIL SOMEONE TELLS ME WHAT'S GOING ON.

I AGREE.

AH, I SEE SOMETHING.

IT IS A COPPER.

I SAY, IS ANYONE DOWN THERE?

OH MY GOD.

NOT ANOTHER STUPID ENGLISHMAN!

I SAY, ARE YOU FROM H.Q.?

WE RATHER THOUGHT THE PLANE WOULD LAND.

CHANGE OF PLAN.

WE'RE TRYING OUT A NEW ESCAPE PACKAGE.

WE'D BETTER GET YOU DOWN, I SUPPOSE.

I SEEM TO BE A BIT STUCK.

IF RENE HELD ME UP IN HIS STRONG ARMS,

I COULD REACH UP AND PULL HIM DOWN.

HE COULD HOLD ME IN HIS STRONG ARMS.

OH, BUT I MIGHT DROP YOU, PRECIOUS.

COME ALONG. THIS WAY.

UP YOU GET.

QUICKLY, MARIA.

( Maria, Rene grunting )

- ( squeals ) - ( rips )

WHAT'S GOING ON, FAIRFAX?

ONE OF THE BARMAIDS

HAS PULLED THE POLICEMAN'S TROUSERS DOWN.

IT'S ALL A GO, ISN'T IT?

- Yvette: SOMETHING IS GIVING. - Rene: WHAT? WHAT?

( all panting )

I THOUGHT THAT WAS ALL RATHER EXCITING.

WHY HAVE THEY SENT US ANOTHER ENGLISHMAN?

THEY SENT ME OVER BECAUSE I SPEAK FRENCH.

THANK HEAVENS FOR THAT.

THEY HAVE SENT HIM BECAUSE HE SPEAKS FRENCH.

- OH! - AH!

( horrible French accent ) 'ALLO, EVERYBODY!

AH, TO HEAR OUR OWN TONGUE.

I HAVE BRUNG GROOTINGS

FROM BRITISH ONTELLIGENCE HEADQUITTERS.

WHAT DOES HE SAY?

I THINK HE BRINGS GREETINGS

FROM INTELLIGENCE HEADQUARTERS.

I HAVE DISGEESED AS POLOCEMAN

SO I AM OBLE TO MOVE ABOOT WITH COMPLETE FRODOM.

DO YOU THINK HE WILL GET AWAY WITH THAT ACCENT?

AS LONG AS HE DOES NOT SPEAK, YES.

WE WILL TELL EVERYONE THAT HE COMES

FROM A REMOTE VILLAGE IN THE COUNTRY.

ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF PEKING.

WE PICKED UP THIS PACKAGE.

THIS IS THE ESCOPE POOKAGE.

YOU MUST HEED IT IN YOUR SEALER.

- WHAT WAS THAT? - THE ESCAPE PACKAGE.

YOU MUST HIDE IT IN THE CELLAR.

HOW DOES HE KNOW I HAVE A CELLAR?

IN LONDON, WE ARE NOT STEEPID.

WE KNOW EVERY MAUVE YOU MOOK.

Colonel: WHO IS IT?

IT IS I! HELGA!

ENTER.

- WAS YOUR MISSION SUCCESSFUL? - YES, COLONEL.

WHAT MISSION WAS THIS? I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT A MISSION.

HANS, I DON'T TELL YOU EVERYTHING.

THE LESS YOU KNOW ABOUT SOME THINGS, THE BETTER.

COME FORWARD AND STAND IN FRONT OF ME.

I DON'T WISH ANYONE TO SEE THROUGH THE WINDOWS

WHAT WE ARE UP TO.

NOW...

SHOW ME WHAT YOU'VE GOT.

GOOD. PERFECT.

COLONEL...

AM I ALLOWED TO SEE WHAT HELGA HAS GOT?

HELGA HAS A NORMAL KNOCKWURST.

MADE BY A BUTCHER, WHICH WE'LL BE SENDING TO THE FUHRER.

IT IS VERY SIMPLE. THE PRICELESS PORTRAIT

OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES

IS CONCEALED INSIDE A KNOCKWURST,

WHICH IS HIDDEN IN RENE'S CELLAR.

THE FORGED PAINTING OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES

IS CONCEALED INSIDE A SIMILAR KNOCKWURST,

WHICH IS HANGING IN RENE'S KITCHEN.

THE KNOCKWURST CONCEALED ON MY PERSON

IS TO BE SENT TO HERR HITLER, WHO IS UNDER THE IMPRESSION

THAT IT CONTAINS THE ORIGINAL PAINTING

OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES.

- WHICH IS IN THE CELLAR. - WHICH HERR FLICK

OF THE GESTAPO THINKS IS IN THE KITCHEN.

I ONLY ASKED IF I COULD HAVE A LOOK.

- ( knocks on door ) - WHO IS IT?

IT IS ONLY ME, DEAR COLONEL--

RENE FROM THE CAFE.

( shouts ) COME INSIDE!

WE HAVE GOOD NEWS.

HELGA HAS A NORMAL KNOCKWURST

TO PUT ON THE TRAIN TO BERLIN

FOR THE FUHRER.

HELGA, SHOW HIM.

THANK YOU.

I MISSED IT AGAIN!

COLONEL, I HAVE BAD NEWS.

THE RESISTANCE,

WHO I DO NOT KNOW VERY WELL,

HAVE REFUSED TO BLOW UP THE TRAIN.

THIS IS THE TRAIN CONTAINING THIS KNOCKWURST.

IT MUST BE BLOWN UP SO THAT HITLER THINKS

- THE PAINTING HAS BEEN DESTROYED. - I KNOW THAT BIT!

WHY DO THEY REFUSE?

THEY SAY THEY HAVE A PREVIOUS ENGAGEMENT,

SOMETHING TO DO WITH AN AMMUNITION LORRY.

DID YOU EXPLAIN TO THEM HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS?

YES, OF COURSE, DEAR COLONEL, BUT,

THEY DO NOT TAKE ALL THAT MUCH NOTICE OF ME.

WE BARELY NOD TO EACH OTHER

IN THE STREET, YOU UNDERSTAND?

I COULD TRY THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE--

THEY MIGHT DO IT FOR MONEY.

PARTY FUNDS ARE VERY LOW, I HAVE HEARD.

VERY WELL. GO BACK TO YOUR CAFE

AND SEE WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR US.

COULD YOU JUST LET ME HAVE A FEW THOUSAND FRANCS

TO PUT A DEPOSIT DOWN, JUST TO SHOW GOOD FAITH?

CERTAINLY NOT!

YOU PAY THEM AND WE'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU.

- YES, COLONEL. - AND MAKE SURE YOU GET A RECEIPT.

NO, I DO NOT WISH TO GO IN.

PUT ME BY THE TABLE.

- Leclerc: YES, MY LITTLE LOVE. - AND BRING ME A DRINK.

BUT FANNY, WILL YOU NOT BE TOO CHILLY?

NO, NOT IF I HAVE A BIG GIN AND TONIC.

MY LOVE, MY FLOWER,

I WOULD BUY FOR YOU THE WHOLE WORLD, BUT...

I DO NOT HAVE ANY MONEY.

NOW THIS IS MY DAUGHTER'S CAFE--

WE CAN HAVE FREEBIES.

HOW MUCH?!

NOW LOOK HERE,

IT IS JUST ONE LITTLE TRAIN.

SURELY YOU COULD BLOW IT UP

FOR A BIT LESS THAN THAT.

IS THAT YOUR ROCK BOTTOM PRICE?

HANG ON A MINUTE.

NO, I CANNOT GO TO THAT.

HOW WOULD IT BE IF WE SUPPLY THE EXPLOSIVES?

NO, I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE MY NAME.

IT IS JUST AN ENQUIRY.

HEY, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

IT IS I, LECLERC!

I KNOW THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING,

HELPING YOURSELF TO MY GIN?

IT IS MY GIN, FOR MY MAMMA.

GIVE HER A DOUBLE.

LIEUTENANT GRUBER,

YOU HAVE AGAIN PARKED YOUR ARMORED CAR

IN MY PLACE UNDER THE TREE.

I AM MOST SORRY, COLONEL.

I HAVE JUST POLISHED IT AND IT LOOKED LIKE RAIN.

I WILL MOVE IT.

NO, WE SHALL ONLY BE HERE A FEW MINUTES.

BUT DON'T DO IT AGAIN.

HEIL HITLER?

AND DON'T TRY TO GET ROUND ME.

RENE, THE NORMAL KNOCKWURST

IS ON THE NIGHT TRAIN TO BERLIN.

HELGA PUT IT ON NEXT TO THE AMMUNITION TRUCK.

HERR FLICK SUPERVISED HER AND THEN SENT A TELEGRAM TO HITLER--

- SIGNED BY THE COLONEL. - GOOD NEWS, HUH?

NO, UNFORTUNATELY, I HAVE BAD NEWS.

THE COMMUNISTS HAVE REFUSED TO BLOW UP THE TRAIN.

REFUSED TO BLOW UP THE TRAIN?

WHAT SORT OF COMMUNISTS ARE YOU DEALING WITH?

WHOEVER HEARD OF A COMMUNIST WHO WOULDN'T BLOW UP A TRAIN?

THAT MEANS HITLER WILL RECEIVE

A NORMAL KNOCKWURST.

AND A TELEGRAM FROM THE COLONEL.

AND HE'LL FIND OUT THAT YOU NICKED HIS PAINTING.

KNACKERED BY A KNOCKWURST.

THAT WILL PUT KAPUT ON MY CAREER.

GIVE ME A LARGE COGNAC.

YES, SIR.

COLONEL, ANTICIPATING THIS DEVELOPMENT,

- I HAVE A FURTHER PLAN WHICH MAY YET SAVE US. - YOU HAVE?

GIVE HER A COGNAC AS WELL. HERE.

RENE!

TELL US YOUR PLAN.

BUT TELL IT A BIT SLOWER THAN LAST TIME.

A 20-MILLIMETER INCENDIARY SHELL

ACCURATELY FIRED AT THE AMMUNITION TRUCK

WOULD BLOW IT UP AND ALSO DEMOLISH THE KNOCKWURST.

THE RESISTANCE WILL BE BLAMED,

WE ARREST A FEW PEASANTS AND SHOOT THEM,

AND WE WILL ALL BE IN THE CLEAR.

THAT'S IS ALL VERY WELL, HELGA,

BUT WHERE DO WE GET A 20-MILLIMETER CANNON?

AND WHO'S GOING TO FIRE IT?

LIEUTENANT GRUBER HAS AN ARMORED CAR

ON WHICH IS MOUNTED A 20-MILLIMETER CANNON.

HELLO.

HE'LL NEVER LEND IT. HE'S VERY STINGY.

HE MIGHT LEND IT TO RENE.

HE'S VERY FOND OF HIM.

OH YES, I CAN JUST SEE THAT.

"GOOD EVENING, LIEUTENANT GRUBER,

A SMALL SHERRY? WITH PLEASURE.

BY THE WAY, LIEUTENANT,

I WONDER IF I MIGHT BORROW YOUR ARMORED CAR FOR THE EVENING?

NO, THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU TO COME WITH ME.

I JUST WISH TO DRIVE IT AROUND A LITTLE BIT,

SEE IF I CAN PULL A FEW BIRDS

OR MAYBE SHOOT A PIGEON OR TWO

WITH A 20-MILLIMETER SHELL!"

NO, RENE IS RIGHT.

WE'LL HAVE TO KNOCK IT OFF WHEN HE'S NOT LOOKING.

AND HE WILL BLAME IT ON THE RESISTANCE.

AND WE CAN JUST SHOOT ANOTHER COUPLE OF PEASANTS.

IF YOU GO ON AT THIS RATE, THERE'LL BE NOBODY LEFT IN THE VILLAGE!

- IT IS A VERY GOOD PLAN, HELGA. - IT'S THE ONLY PLAN WE'VE GOT.

AS SOON AS IT IS DARK, WE WILL ACT.

ARE YOU WITH US, RENE?

ALL RIGHT, COLONEL.

I WILL KEEP LIEUTENANT GRUBER TALKING

WHILE YOU NIP OFF, NICK THE ARMORED CAR,

AND BLOW UP THE TRAIN.

NO, RENE. I, AS A COLONEL,

CANNOT GET INVOLVED IN A PLAN LIKE THIS.

I WILL DISTRACT GRUBER

AND YOU, HANS,

YOU WILL NICK THE ARMORED CAR.

BUT COLONEL, I AM A VERY BAD DRIVER.

I ONLY HAVE A PROVISIONAL LICENSE.

IT IS VERY HARD TO SEE OUT OF THOSE THINGS--

MY GLASSES WILL STEAM UP.

I WILL GET LOST.

RENE CAN SIT ON TOP, STICK HIS HEAD THROUGH THE HOLE,

AND GUIDE YOU.

BUT COLONEL, WOULD IT NOT BE BETTER

IF HELGA DROVE AND THE CAPTAIN COULD SIT ON TOP

AND STICK HIS HEAD OUT--

I HAVE AN ASSIGNATION WITH HERR FLICK.

CAN YOU NOT BREAK IT?

ONE DOES NOT STAND UP THE GESTAPO.

- WHAT TIME IS THE TRAIN? - 10:00.

VERY WELL. WE ALL MEET HERE AT 9:30.

I WILL TAKE CARE OF GRUBER.

YOU ALL TAKE CARE OF THE TRAIN.

GOOD NIGHT, RENE. GOOD NIGHT, COLONEL.

YOU ARE NOT GOING?

NOT IN YOUR ARMORED CAR?

YES, I THINK I WILL HAVE AN EARLY NIGHT.

NONSENSE.

I HOPE YOU ARE NOT GOING

BECAUSE I WAS CROSS WITH YOU.

I WAS A BIT UPSET.

DON'T BE UPSET, GRUBER.

- WHAT'S YOUR FIRST NAME? - HUBERT.

DON'T BE UPSET, HUBERT.

I LIKE YOU.

HANS LIKES YOU.

RENE LIKES YOU.

AND THE GIRLS, THEY LIKE YOU, TOO.

I TELL YOU WHAT--

COME ROUND HERE ABOUT 9:30,

AND WE'LL HAVE DINNER TOGETHER.

AND BRING YOUR ARMORED CAR.

SUDDENLY I AM FEELING BETTER.

SUDDENLY I AM FEELING WORSE.

CAN I HELP YOU, OFFICER?

AN OLDERLY LODY OUTSIDE IN A BETH CHAIR

HAS BEEN HITTING THE BOOTLE.

- WHAT? - HER IS DRUNK.

HER IS POST AS A NEWT.

OH MY GOD!

- BOCHE SWINE! - FANNY, NO, NO, NO!

HEIL HITLER!

YOU SHALL NOT ENTER THE CAFE OF MY DAUGHTER.

FANNY, PLEASE, DO NOT TAKE ON SO,

WE'LL ALL FINISH UP IN THE COOLER!

STOP IT, YOU SILLY OLD BAT!

THESE ARE MY CUSTOMERS.

ARE YOU TRYING TO RUIN MY BUSINESS?

IT IS MY DAUGHTER'S BUSINESS.

YOU ARE ON THE WAY OUT!

GET HER INSIDE, PLEASE?!

WELCOME, GENTLEMEN. YOUR TABLE IS READY.

STOP! GENTLEMEN!

PLEASE, COME BACK, GENTLEMEN.

SHE IS POTTY IN THE HEAD.

I HAVE YOUR WINDOW TABLE FOR YOU, PLEASE...

DON'T WORRY, RENE.

HUBERT AND I WILL TAKE IT.

WON'T WE, HUBERT?

YOU ARE MOST KIND, COLONEL.

CAN I GIVE ANYONE A LIFT?

GIVE HANS A LIFT, LET HIM PLAY WITH YOUR CANNON.

COME ALONG THEN, CAPTAIN.

I WILL SHOW YOU WHAT FUN AN ARMORED CAR CAN BE.

9:30, RENE.

WATER THE WINE,

AND TAKE THE FLOWERS OFF THE TABLE.

I SPIT ON YOU!

GERMAN PIG!

10 MINUTES IS UP.

YOU MAY NOW COME OUT OF THE CORNER.

YES, HERR FLICK.

LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU.

NEVER AGAIN WILL YOU BURN MY TOAST.

YES, HERR FLICK. MAY I SIT?

YES.

YOU MAY CONTINUE WITH YOUR TEA.

I HAVE KEPT YOUR EGG WARM UNDER THE COZY.

YOU HAVE A VERY KIND STREAK IN YOUR NATURE.

I NEARLY FAILED MY GESTAPO EXAMS

BECAUSE OF IT.

IT IS A VERY STRONG SHELL.

HIT IT HARD WITH YOUR SPOON.

THEY ALWAYS BREAK IN THE END.

YOU ARE LOOKING PENSIVE, HERR FLICK.

I AM TRYING TO DECIDE

WHAT TO DO WITH YOU TONIGHT.

I SEE, HERR FLICK.

I MIGHT TAKE YOU TO THE MOVIES.

WHAT IS SHOWING?

ANYTHING WE LIKE.

OR WE COULD STAY HERE AND AMUSE OURSELVES.

I HAVE A BOX OF SHARP NEEDLES SOMEWHERE.

AHH, HERE THEY ARE.

WHAT HAVE YOU IN MIND, HERR FLICK?

I HAVE AN EXCELLENT GRAMOPHONE,

AND MANY RECORDS OF HITLER'S SPEECHES.

THEY ARE QUITE AMUSING.

HITLER'S SPEECHES, QUITE AMUSING?

PLAYED AT DOUBLE SPEED,

HE SOUNDS LIKE DONALD DUCK.

♪ JUST SEE WHAT THE BOYS ♪

♪ IN THE BACK ROOM WILL HAVE ♪

♪ AND TELL THEM I SIGHED ♪

♪ AND TELL THEM I CRIED ♪

♪ AND TELL THEM I DIED ♪

♪ OF THE SAAA-AAAME. ♪

( silent response )

THANK YOU FOR YOUR KIND APPLAUSE.

NOW, PLEASE, WILL YOU SHOW YOUR APPRECIATION

FOR OUR PIANIST, MONSIEUR LECLERC?

THE LIEUTENANT IS HERE.

COLONEL?

COLONEL!

I'M SORRY, RENE. THE CHEESE, YOU KNOW?

LOOK.

I WILL TAKE CARE OF HIM.

YOU AND HANS KNOW WHAT TO DO?

I AM SORRY I AM LATE, COLONEL.

PERHAPS YOUR ARMORED CAR WOULD NOT START,

YOU HAD TO LEAVE IT AT THE BARRACKS?

SHE STARTED ON THE BUTTON.

BUT SHE WAS NEARLY OUT OF GASOLINE.

- GOOD. - SO I FILLED HER UP.

THAT'S OUR TABLE OVER THERE.

OH, HOW COZY.

TAKE THIS.

RENE, HANS, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.

- GOOD LUCK TO YOU. - COLONEL...

HE HAS JUST TAKEN THE FLOWERS

FROM THE NEXT TABLE. GOOD LUCK TO YOU TOO.

CAPTAIN.

DEAR COLONEL, WOULD YOU PREFER

YOUR BACK TO THE WALL OR THE ROOM?

I THINK THE WALL.

SIT DOWN, HUBERT,

AND TELL ME ALL ABOUT YOURSELF.

WELL, IT HAS BEEN A HARD DAY.

I AM QUITE HOARSE, YOU KNOW,

FROM ORDERING SOLDIERS ABOUT.

YES, IT'S HARD BEING A GERMAN OFFICER,

ALL THAT SHOUTING AND STAMPING OF FEET.

PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND, DO THEY?

I FEAR THEY DO NOT.

DO WE HAVE A KEY OR A TIN OPENER?

THEY DO NOT LOCK. AFTER ALL, WHO WOULD NICK AN ARMORED CAR?

WEAR THIS.

WHAT FOR?

IF THE RESISTANCE TAKE A POT SHOT AT YOU

- IT WILL BOUNCE OFF. - BOUNCE OFF?!

I AM NOT STICKING MY HEAD OUT OF THERE.

I'LL DRIVE.

START THE ENGINE!

KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN.

SORRY.

IT IS THAT LITTLE KNOB IN FRONT.

( engine cranks )

GIVE IT A BIT MORE CHOKE.

( engine starts )

FORWARD!

I SAID FORWARD, YOU ARE GOING BACKWARDS!

DID I HIT SOMETHING?

THE COLONEL'S CAR!

HE WILL DO HIS NUT.

NEVER MIND.

HE WILL BLAME THE RESISTANCE

AND SHOOT A COUPLE OF PEASANTS.

WHAT AM I SAYING?

HOW EASY IT IS TO SLIP INTO THE WAYS

OF BEING A NAZI.

AH, GOOD EVENING, COLONEL.

WAS EVERYTHING TO YOUR SATISFACTION?

UP TO A POINT.

YOU KNOW ME, YVETTE.

COLONEL...

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SIT UPON YOUR... KNEE?

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A BIT OF FUN,

DOESN'T IT, HUBERT?

IF YOU SAY SO, COLONEL.

SHALL I REST ON YOUR KNEE, LIEUTENANT GRUBER?

WELL...

GO ON, HUBERT. YOU'RE IN THE TANK CORPS.

IT'LL BE GOOD FOR YOUR IMAGE.

ARE THE DROVER OF ARMORED CURR 4219 ON THE CAFE?

4219? THAT IS MY ARMORED CAR.

IT HAS BEEN DROVEN AWAR BY TWO MIN.

YOU FOOL!

MY ARMORED CAR IS STOLEN?!

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, HUBERT.

IT'S PROBABLY SOME LOCAL BOYS

PLAYING A LITTLE PRANK.

I MUST REPORT IT AT ONCE TO MY HEADQUARTERS.

JUST THINK HOW CROSS THEY WILL BE

WHEN THEY'VE FOUND OUT YOU'VE LOST YOUR ARMORED CAR.

BELIEVE ME, IT'LL COME BACK IF YOU'RE PATIENT.

BUT WHAT IF IT DOES NOT?

AND WHAT AM I DOING HOLDING THIS GIRL?

AARGHH!

I KNOW, I WILL REPORT IT AT ONCE

TO HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO.

HE WILL MAKE DISCREET ENQUIRIES.

HE OWES ME A FAVOR.

WHY HAVE WE LEFT THE MAIN ROAD?

A MOTORCYCLE WAS FOLLOWING US.

DON'T WORRY, THIS LANE LEADS TO THE RAILWAY LINE.

IS HE STILL FOLLOWING?

JUST A MINUTE, I WILL HAVE A LOOK.

- ( metal clangs ) - Hans: OOOF!

CAN YOU SEE THE MOTORCYCLE?

NOT AT THE MOMENT.

( record playing at high speed )

( high speed anthem playing )

( phone rings )

STOP THE MACHINE!

( rings )

FLICK-- THE GESTAPO.

NO, I SAID, FLICK, THE GESTAPO.

YES, GRUBER.

YES, GRUBER.

YES, GRUBER.

YOU ARE VERY CARELESS!

STAY WHERE YOU ARE. I WILL COME AT ONCE.

YOU WILL COME WITH ME.

HOLD MY SCHMEISSER WHILE I REMOVE MY CARPET SLIPPERS.

I CAN SEE THE RAILWAY LINE.

STOP HERE.

( train chugging faintly )

I CAN HEAR THE TRAIN COMING.

OH, DEAR. PASS ME A SHELL.

- WELL, WHERE ARE THEY? - THEY MUST BE IN HERE SOMEWHERE.

TRY THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT.

HAVE YOU FOUND ANYTHING?

JUST SOME LADIES UNDERWEAR--

AND SOME SHAVING LOTION.

( train whistles )

AH, I HAVE ONE.

GOOD. WELL, HURRY UP.

IT IS GETTING NEARER.

I THINK IT IS LOADED. NOW, I HAVE TO AIM

FOR THE THIRD WAGON FROM THE END.

- YES, GOOD LUCK. - PUT YOUR FINGERS IN YOUR EARS.

THERE MAY BE A BIG BANG.

I CAN SEE IT.

ONE, TWO, THREE...

THAT'S THE ONE.

MISSED!

QUICK, ANOTHER SHELL.

CAN YOU GET A LITTLE BIT NEARER?

NO, I CAN NOT.

ONE, TWO THREE...

( cannon fires )

YOU HAVE BLOWN UP THE SIGNAL BOX.

I THINK THE BARREL IS BENT.

THERE GOES THE TRAIN.

THERE GOES HITLER'S SAUSAGE.

DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD CATCH IT UP FURTHER DOWN THE LINE?

NO,

THE WAY I DRIVE, I WOULD NEVER CATCH IT.

AND THE WAY YOU SHOOT, YOU WOULD NEVER HIT IT.

I THINK WE GO HOME.

( theme music playing )