Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

WELCOME TO MY CAFE.

I AM HAPPY TO TELL YOU THAT LIFE HERE IS BACK TO NORMAL.

- ( bang ) - THE TWO ENGLISH AIRMEN WHO WERE HIDING HERE,

HAVE BEEN TAKEN AWAY BY THE RESISTANCE

AND ARE BEING HIDDEN IN A NEARBY NUNNERY.

THE PAINTING OF THE FALLEN MADONNA

WITH THE BIG BOOBIES BY VAN CLOMP,

WHICH I WAS HIDING IN MY CELLAR,

IS NOW IN POSSESSION OF HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO.

( bang )

I HAVE BEEN SHOT DEAD,

AND I AM NOW POSING AS MY OWN TWIN BROTHER.

OF COURSE NOBODY KNOWS THIS,

EXCEPT MY WIFE, THE SERVANTS AND MY WIFE'S MOTHER;

- AND THE GERMAN COMMANDANT AND HIS ASSISTANT; - ( bang )

AND HIS SECRETARY AND MOST OF THE FRENCH RESISTANCE;

BUT THAT IS ALL.

NOW, THE BANGING THAT YOU CAN HEAR

IS MY DEMENTED WIDOW,

WHO IS IN THE BACK ROOM LOOKING FOR MY WILL,

WHICH LEAVES EVERYTHING THAT I POSSESS TO HER.

I AM NOT WORRIED. SHE CAN BANG ALL DAY.

THE WILL IS SAFELY HIDDEN IN A SECRET COMPARTMENT

BEHIND THE CUCKOO CLOCK WHERE SHE WILL NEVER FIND IT.

GOOD MORNING, RENE.

GOOD MORNING, LIEUTENANT.

THIS IS THE MAN THAT SHOT ME.

HE FANCIES ME LIKE MAD.

PERHAPS IT IS THE APRON?

YOUR CHEEKS ARE A VERY GOOD FRESH COLOR TODAY.

AND YOU HAVE AN IMPISH LOOK IN YOUR EYE--

( cuckoo clock goes off )

WHICH HAS SUDDENLY DISAPPEARED. HOW ABOUT A DRINK?

WHAT A GOOD IDEA.

OPEN THIS DOOR! EDITH, OPEN THE DOOR!

I HAVE FOUND IT!

I HAVE FOUND IT!

SHUT UP!

I HAVE FOUND THE WILL OF MY LATE HUSBAND.

THERE IS NO NEED TO MAKE SUCH A SONG AND DANCE ABOUT IT.

GIVE IT TO ME, EDITH. AFTER ALL, I AM THE EXECUTOR.

IT IS NOT ADDRESSED TO YOU.

NO, BUT IT WOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING

THAT RENE WOULD WANT HIS BROTHER

AS AN EXECUTOR.

IT HAS GONE WITHOUT SAYING.

GATHER ROUND, EVERYONE,

WHILE I READ TO YOU THE LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT

OF MY DEAR DEPARTED HUSBAND--

WHO WAS SHOT BY THE GERMANS.

ORDERS, YOU KNOW?

LISTEN, HE LEAVE EVERYTHING TO ME.

"I, RENE ARTOIS, BEING OF SOUND MIND--"

I WOULD DISPUTE THAT FOR A START.

"--DO HEREBY LEAVE

ALL OF WHICH I STAND POSSESSED

TO MY DEAR AND FAITHFUL WIFE,

WHO HAS COMFORTED ME AND FILLED ME WITH JOY

DURING THE HAPPY DAYS OF MY MARRIAGE."

I WROTE THAT ON THE HONEYMOON.

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL PHRASE.

- LOOK, THERE IS SOMETHING WRITTEN ON THE BACK. - AH, NO--

"P.S., TO YVETTE..."

I CAN HARDLY READ IT.

IT IS AS IF HIS HAND WAS SHAKING.

"TO YVETTE, WHO HAS SERVED SO DEVOTEDLY UNDER ME...

I LEAVE THE COLLAPSIBLE SOFA IN THE PARLOR."

THAT SOFA IS NOT COLLAPSIBLE.

IT IS, UNLESS YOU PUT A BOOK UNDER IT.

"P.P.S., TO MARIA,

I LEAVE THE SMALL BILLIARD TABLE

WHICH HAS GIVEN US BOTH SO MANY MOMENTS OF PLEASURE."

- ( giggles ) - I NEVER SAW YOU PLAYING IN THERE!

ALWAYS RENE WOULD MAKE ME SHUT THE DOOR,

AND PUT A CHAIR UNDER THE KNOB.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING THAT YOU DID NOT WANT TO BE INTERRUPTED?

WHY ASK ME, I AM DEAD, REMEMBER?

ANYWAY, HE HAS DONE THE RIGHT THING BY ME.

EVERYTHING IS NOW MINE,

TO HAVE AND TO HOLD, TILL DEATH DO ME PART.

HE WAS A GOOD MAN.

THERE WAS SOMETHING... SOFT AND SENSITIVE ABOUT HIM.

ALTHOUGH, LIKE YOU, HE COULD BE A LITTLE DISTANT AT TIMES.

WE ARE A CAUTIOUS FAMILY.

WE WILL DRINK TO HIS MEMORY.

DO NOT POUR TOO MUCH, THAT IS MY BEST COGNAC!

HIS BEST COGNAC.

AND NOW, IT IS MY BEST COGNAC.

TO HIS MEMORY.

Everyone: TO RENE.

OHHH.

IT IS OVER. IT IS DONE.

- ( register rings ) - WHAT ARE YOU UP TO NOW?

I AM GOING TO BUY MYSELF A NEW HAT.

WHY DO YOU WANT A NEW HAT?

YOU MUST REMEMBER I AM A RICH WIDOW,

IN THE PRIME OF MY LIFE.

THIS EVENING MAMMA WILL PROMENADE ME IN THE SQUARE.

SOME HANDSOME MAN WILL GAZE UPON ME IN MY NEW HAT.

"WHO IS THAT?" HE WILL ASK.

"IT IS THE RICH WIDOW ARTOIS," THEY WILL REPLY.

"OH, HOW YOUNG AND SLENDER SHE LOOKS,

I MUST PAY MY RESPECTS TO HER," HE WILL SAY.

AND MAYBE TOMORROW MORNING HE WILL BE AT MY DOOR,

BEARING A BEAUTIFUL BOUQUET

OF SWEET SMELLING ROSES.

PROVIDED HIS GUIDE DOG CAN FIND THE HOUSE.

LIEUTENANT GRUBER.

- COLONEL. - IS THAT YOUR ARMORED CAR OUTSIDE?

- DOES IT HAVE A LITTLE DENT IN THE WING? - IT DOES.

- THEN YES, IT IS MINE. - THEN PLEASE MOVE IT. YOU'RE IN MY PARKING PLACE.

THE COLONEL LIKES TO PARK UNDER THE TREE.

OTHERWISE HIS SEAT GETS VERY HOT.

MY APOLOGIES, COLONEL.

HANS, WHY ARE YOU SITTING DOWN?

BECAUSE MY LEGS ARE RATHER TIRED.

HANS, I AM A COLONEL, YOU ARE A CAPTAIN.

YOU DO NOT SIT DOWN BEFORE I SIT DOWN.

YOU DO NOT STAND UP BEFORE I STAND UP.

A COLONEL DOES EVERYTHING FIRST.

I-- I'M SORRY, COLONEL.

WELL THEN, BE MORE CAREFUL!

YOU ARE GETTING VERY SLACK!

NOW, GENTLEMEN, WHAT CAN I GET YOU TO DRINK?

THE COLONEL

WILL BE ORDERING.

TWO COGNACS.

- Rene: MARIA, TWO COGNACS. - ON CAPTAIN GEERING'S ACCOUNT.

RENE, WE HAVE ONE OR TWO DELICATE MATTERS TO ATTEND TO.

MARIA AND YVETTE ARE AT YOUR DISPOSAL, COLONEL,

BUT... COULD YOU BOOK EARLY?

BECAUSE FRIDAY IS A VERY BUSY DAY.

THAT IS NOT WHAT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT.

BUT MAKE A NOTE OF IT, WE'LL COME BACK TO IT LATER.

NOW, I AM COMMANDANT OF THIS TOWN.

I CANNOT CONTINUE TO TURN A BLIND EYE

TO YOUR HIDING BRITISH AIRMEN IN YOUR CAFE.

BUT, COLONEL, YOU ARE TURNING A BLIND EYE

BECAUSE I WAS HIDING YOUR STOLEN PAINTING

OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES IN MY CELLAR.

NOT ANY MORE.

THAT PAINTING IS NOW IN THE HANDS OF HERR FLICK.

OF THE GESTAPO.

TOGETHER WITH TWO FORGERIES.

SO YOU NO LONGER HAVE A HOLD OVER ME, RENE.

IF I WANT TO SHOOT YOU, I ONLY HAVE TO SAY THE WORD.

FIRE.

DO NOT WORRY, COLONEL.

THE BRITISH AIRMEN ARE GONE, FOR GOOD.

EXCELLENT.

THEN IF YOU WILL TELL ME THE NAMES OF THE RESISTANCE LEADERS.

I WILL SEE THAT YOU ARE PROTECTED.

PROTECTED?! AGAINST WHO?

ME!

BUT COLONEL, I DO NOT KNOW THEIR NAMES.

THEY ARE MOSTLY GIRLS.

THEY WEAR MACKINTOSHES AND...

AND LITTLE SHORT WHITE SOCKS,

AND BERETS LIKE ANY OTHER FRENCH GIRLS.

AND THEY ONLY REVEAL THEMSELVES AT NIGHT.

LIKE ANY OTHER FRENCH GIRLS.

I WISH I COULD GET MY HANDS ON THEM.

WE BOTH DO.

IF YOU DO NOT COOPERATE, I WILL HAVE YOU SHOT!

OH, COLONEL, YOU WOULDN'T?!

HE WOULD! HE DID IT BEFORE.

COLONEL, I DO NOT WISH YOU TO THINK BADLY OF ME,

BUT, I DID TAKE THE PRECAUTION OF WRITING A LETTER

WHICH TELLS HOW YOU HELPED THE RESISTANCE

TO BLOW UP THE RAILWAY LINE;

HOW YOU STOLE THAT PAINTING IN THE FIRST PLACE.

NOW, THE LETTER IS SIGNED, BY THE WHOLE VILLAGE,

AND THE MOMENT I AM ARRESTED, IT IS TO BE PLACED

INTO THE HANDS OF HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO.

HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO! YOU WOULDN'T?!

HE WOULD.

I THINK IT IS CHECKMATE, HERR COLONEL.

RENE...

YOU ARE SMARTER THAN I THOUGHT.

THANK YOU, COLONEL.

IF I MAY SUGGEST,

WE JUST WIPE THE SLATE CLEAN.

YOU HAVE NO PAINTING, I HAVE NO AIRMEN,

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, I DO HAVE THE GIRLS.

WHICH BRINGS US BACK TO POINT ONE.

SHALL WE SAY 9:00?

AGREED.

WAIT--

WITH THE WET CELERY

AND THE FLYING HELMET.

AND...

A GREAT BIG STEAMING PLATE OF SPAGHETTI BOLOGNESE

AND THREE FEET OF ELASTIC.

HANS, JUST BETWEEN THE TWO OF US,

- WHAT EXACTLY HAVE YOU GOT IN MIND? - WELL, I-- I--

I THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE A QUICK SNACK,

WHILE MARIA REPAIRS MY LONG WINTER UNDERWEAR.

( knocks on door )

- YOU SENT FOR ME, HERR FLICK? - YOU ARE LATE.

GO INTO THE INNER CHAMBER.

STOP!

TAKE OUT YOUR HANDKERCHIEF.

WIPE YOUR LIPS.

REPLACE THE HANDKERCHIEF.

TURN AROUND.

YOU MAY KISS ME.

SIX OUT OF 10.

I KNOCKED OFF FOUR FOR THE GARLIC.

MAY I SIT DOWN?

NO, REMAIN STANDING.

I HAVE A PROBLEM.

DARE I ASK WHAT IT IS?

YES.

I HAVE THREE FALLEN MADONNAS

WITH SIX BIG BOOBIES.

WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?

ONLY ONE OF THEM IS REAL.

ONLY ONE BIG BOOBIE?

ONE PAINTING.

ONE IS A FORGERY COMMISSIONED BY MYSELF;

ONE ARRIVED MYSTERIOUSLY AT MY HEADQUARTERS;

ONE IS GENUINE.

I HID THEM ALL, ROLLED UP IN MY HIGH GESTAPO BOOTS.

A PEASANT TIDIED THE ROOM AND MIXED THEM ALL UP.

NOW I DO NOT KNOW WHICH IS WHICH.

WHY DO YOU NOT SEND FOR THE MAN WHO FORGED THEM?

HE WILL BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY THE REAL ONE.

THAT IS A VERY GOOD IDEA.

UNFORTUNATELY, HE IS NOT AVAILABLE.

WHY NOT?

HE FELL OUT OF A GESTAPO CAR,

OVER A BRIDGE ONTO A RAILWAY LINE,

AND WAS RUN OVER BY THE BERLIN EXPRESS.

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

OF COURSE, HERR FLICK.

THE REAL PAINTING I WISH TO RETAIN

TO SELL AFTER THE WAR,

TO PROVIDE FOR US WHEN WE ARE MARRIED.

HERR FLICK,

I THINK I SHOULD TELL YOU THAT I HAVE A FRIEND IN THE ARMY

WITH WHOM I HAVE BEEN CORRESPONDING IN AN EARNEST...

AND MEANINGFUL MANNER.

GIVE ME HIS NAME,

RANK AND NUMBER,

AND HE WILL NOT BE A PROBLEM.

ON SECOND THOUGHTS...

HE DOES NOT HAVE YOUR FORCEFUL,

COMMANDING,

DOMINATING AND RUTHLESS PERSONALITY,

WHICH DRAWS ME TO YOU

LIKE A BEE TO A POT OF JAM.

I WILL PUT THE KETTLE ON.

YOU WILL FIND FOR ME A MAN WITH KNOWLEDGE OF PAINTING,

WHO WILL DECIDE BEYOND ALL DOUBT

WHICH IS THE REAL VAN CLOMP.

YES, HERR FLICK.

MARIA, YOU SHOULD NOT DO THAT

UNLESS I AM HERE TO HOLD YOU.

YOU COULD SO EASILY FALL.

I ALREADY HAVE.

RENE, I MUST TALK TO YOU.

I AM LISTENING WITH ONE EAR.

WE MAY BE OBSERVED.

WE MUST MEET IN PRIVATE.

LET US RENDEZVOUS

IN THE BROOM CLOSET UNDER THE STAIRS.

YOU ARE MAKING THE CURL COME OUT OF MY HAIR.

OH, RENE!

YES, ALL RIGHT, I AGREE, IN 10 MINUTES.

GO NOW, YOUR WIFE IS COMING DOWNSTAIRS.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHY ARE YOU WEARING ON YOUR HEAD A DEAD HEN?

AND WHY ARE YOU TAKING MORE MONEY?

I HAVE TO BUY REFRESHMENTS

FOR MAMMA AND MONSIEUR LECLERC.

AND WHO KNOWS, MAYBE MY SUITOR.

IF YOU GO ON LIKE THIS, YOU WILL SOON BE A POOR WIDOW.

MADAME, I HAVE PLACED THE BATH CHAIR OF YOUR MOTHER

OUTSIDE THE CAFE DOOR.

WHY ARE YOU ALL DRESSED UP LIKE THE DINNER OF A DOG?

I, LECLERC, AM TO BE THE PUSHER.

IT IS GOING TO BE LIKE A CIRCUS OUT THERE.

WE'RE GOING TO BE THE LAUGHINGSTOCK OF THE WHOLE VILLAGE.

FANNY, MY LOVE, ARE YOU READY?

- ( Mamma groans ) - COME ALONG.

WILL NOBODY COME TO MY ASSISTANCE?

THE TEETH HAVE DROPPED OUT OF MY FOX.

IF YOU WANT TO LOOK REALLY SMART,

YOU COULD GIVE IT YOUR SPARE SET.

COME, AH, FANNY,

HOW THE YEARS HAVE FALLEN AWAY.

HOW EVERYTHING HAS FALLEN AWAY.

- DEAR ROGER. - NOW, FANNY.

I REMEMBER HOW DAPPER

AND JAUNTY YOU WERE.

AH, YES. I REMEMBER.

WHAT A PITY YOU ARE SO DECREPIT NOW.

AH, YES.

BUT I CAN STILL TWIRL MY CANE.

A LOT OF GOOD THAT IS GOING TO DO US.

MAMMA,

YOU HAVE NOT MENTIONED MY NEW HAT.

IT LOOKS LIKE A DEAD HEN.

READY?

RICH WIDOW!

GET YOUR RICH WIDOW HERE!

MONSIEUR LECLERC?

I THINK WE SHOULD BE A LITTLE MORE SUBTLE THAN THAT.

AH.

FAIRLY RICH WIDOW!

GET YOUR FAIRLY RICH WIDOW HERE.

MARIA.

RENE, SHUT THE DOOR.

RENE, MY LOVE.

AGH, ARGH.

AARGHH!

- RENE? - HMM?

WHY ARE YOU SO FORMAL AND WITHDRAWN?

I AM IMPALED UPON THE HANDLE OF THE HOOVER.

RENE?

OOH, THAT IS BETTER.

WHAT?

NOW THAT YOU'RE NO LONGER MARRIED TO EDITH,

WILL YOU MAKE GOOD YOUR PROMISE TO ME?

WELL, IT IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY IN THE BROOM CUPBOARD.

YOUR PROMISE TO MARRY ME.

OH! OH, THAT PROMISE.

WELL, IT IS A LITTLE BIT DIFFICULT, YOU SEE,

I HAVE LEFT ALL MY MONEY TO MY WIFE.

I CAN GET MONEY FOR US.

MEN PAY ME FOR MY FAVORS.

BUT MARIA, YOU KNOW I HATE QUEUING.

MARIA, YOU MUST BE PATIENT

FOR A LITTLE WHILE LONGER.

- RENE? - HUH?

PROMISE ME THAT NO OTHER GIRL WILL TAKE MY PLACE.

WITH SUCH DEEP STAIRS, HOW COULD THEY?

YVETTE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

SOMEBODY HAS REMOVED THE BOOK

FROM UNDER THE SOFA IN THE PARLOR.

WHAT?

OH, FRANK HARRIS,

YES, JUST ABOUT THE RIGHT SIZE.

- RENE... - WHAT?

NOW THAT YOU ARE FREE,

WHEN ARE WE GOING TO ANNOUNCE OUR ENGAGEMENT?

DEAR SWEET YVETTE, WE MUST NOT BE TOO HASTY.

I HAVE TO FIND A WAY OF GETTING MY HANDS BACK ON MY MONEY.

YOU COULD POISON YOUR WIFE.

NO, WITH HER COOKING SHE HAS BECOME IMMUNE.

NO, WE WILL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER WAY.

MEANWHILE WE HAVE TO LIE LOW.

AH, ON THE SOFA?

NOT AS LOW AS THAT.

- OH, RENE... - HUH?

PROMISE ME THAT NOTHING WILL EVER COME BETWEEN US.

I AM DOING MY BEST.

- OOOH, RENE. - OHHH, YVETTE.

CAN YOU FEEL MY LITTLE HEART

POUNDING AND POUNDING?

( knocks on window )

I CAN HEAR IT.

- Michelle: RENE? - ( groans )

IS THE COAST CLEAR?

WE ARE 50 MILES FROM THE COAST. HOW WOULD I KNOW?

SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT HAS JUST COME UP.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN OUT THERE?

THE TWO AIRMEN HAVE LEFT THE NUNNERY.

GOOD! NOW, PERHAPS YVETTE AND I

CAN CONTINUE TO DISCUSS THE MENU FOR TONIGHT.

THEY LEFT BECAUSE THE GERMANS CAME TO SEARCH FOR THEM.

THEY ARE ON THE RUN.

THAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, NOT MINE.

I DON'T CARE IF I NEVER SEE

THEIR STUPID FACES EVER AGAIN.

- HELLO. - HELLO.

IT IS THE AIRMEN.

I WOULD NEVER HAVE KNOWN.

DO NOT LET THEM COME IN HERE!

YOU SPEAK THE LANGUAGE. TELL THEM TO GO AWAY.

NOW, LISTEN CHAPS, RENE'S BEEN AWFULLY DECENT, PUTTING YOU UP HERE,

BUT YOU HAVE OUTSTAYED YOUR WELCOME.

WE-- WE-- WE CAN'T WALK AROUND AS NUNS ALL DAY!

THE JERRIES KEEP TRYING TO CHAT US UP.

DIDN'T THEY SUSPECT THE MOUSTACHE?

YOU THINK MINE'S BIG, YOU SHOULD SEE THE MOTHER SUPERIOR'S.

WE'RE NOT GOING BACK TO THE NUNNERY.

FAIRFAX MUCKED UP HIS NEEDLEWORK,

AND WE HAD TO SPEND HOURS SCRUBBING THE STEPS.

LOOK!

WHY IS HE SHOWING YOU HIS KNEES?

HE WAS A SCRUBBER AT THE NUNNERY.

NO WONDER THEY THREW HIM OUT.

WELL, LOOK, TELL THEM TO GO AWAY.

LISTEN TO ME, RENE, YOU ARE A VITAL LINK

IN THE ESCAPE ROUTE FOR BRITISH AIRMEN.

THIS IS A SAFE HOUSE.

NOT FOR ME, IT ISN'T.

LET US COME TO THE CRUNCH.

THE CRUNCH?

THE NITTY-GRITTY.

ARE YOU A COLLABORATOR,

OR ARE YOU WITH THE RESISTANCE?

IS THAT THING LOADED?

I AM DESPERATE. I HAVE ONE UP THE SPOUT.

THAT WOULD MAKE YOU DESPERATE, YES.

WELL?

LOOK, I AM ON YOUR SIDE.

AT THE SAME TIME, I HAVE A BUSINESS TO RUN.

NOW, I CANNOT GO AROUND BEING RUDE TO THE GERMANS.

NOT IN FRONT OF THEIR FACES, ANYWAY.

I WILL PUT OUT MY TONGUE AT THEM, FROM TIME TO TIME,

WHEN THEIR BACKS ARE TURNED.

OR PUT A LITTLE EXTRA SALT IN THEIR SOUP,

BUT WE MUST BE REASONABLE.

( automobile arrives )

IT IS THE COLONEL AND THE CAPTAIN.

THE COLONEL IS PARKING UNDER THE TREE.

I THINK THEY ARE COMING IN HERE.

HE MUST NOT SEE THEM! GET THEM OUT THROUGH THE WINDOW, QUICK.

NO, THEY CANNOT GO THAT WAY, THERE'S A DRIVER WITH A GUN.

OH... QUICK, THROUGH HERE.

THE COLONEL AND CAPTAIN ARE APPROACHING.

WELL, KEEP THEM BUSY WHILE I THINK

OF A GOOD REASON WHY I'VE GOT TWO NUNS IN MY BACK ROOM.

- THE ORGAN FUND. - THE ORGAN FUND? WITH MY REPUTATION?

GO, GO, KEEP THEM BUSY.

GREETINGS, COLONEL.

IS THERE ANY REFRESHMENT THAT YOU WOULD LIKE,

THAT IS NOT ON A HIGH SHELF?

NO, THANK YOU, MY DEAR. WE HAVE BUSINESS WITH RENE.

- IS HE IN THE BACK ROOM? - NO!

GOOD. WE WISH TO BE PRIVATE.

WE WILL WAIT IN THERE, WHILE YOU FIND HIM.

OH MY GOD! QUICK! GET THEM DOWN.

TAKE THESE, YVETTE, TAKE THESE.

HAND THEM OUT.

STAND BACK.

- WOULDN'T YOU RATHER WAIT IN MY ROOM? - STAND ASIDE.

♪ AHHH ♪

♪ AAA-VE MARRR-III-AAA ♪

♪ GRAAA- TIAAA PLENA... ♪

AM I INTERRUPTING SOMETHING?

SHH!

RENE IS HAVING A SPECIAL SERVICE

FOR HIS LATE DEPARTED BROTHER.

HE'S NOT DEAD.

THE CHURCH DON'T KNOW THAT!

THEY WERE GOING TO HAVE A BIG ONE, IN THE CATHEDRAL.

BUT THIS WORKED OUT CHEAPER.

Hans: HIS LIPS ARE MUTTERING IN SILENT PRAYER.

IT IS VERY MOVING.

IN THAT CASE, TAKE YOUR HAT OFF.

WHO IS FRANK HARRIS?

HE WAS A PROPHET.

HANS,

GIVE IT TO ME.

I HAD NO IDEA THEY PLAYED LEAPFROG

IN HEAVEN.

- AMEN. - AMEN.

IS THERE SOMETHING I CAN DO FOR YOU, COLONEL?

HELGA, MY SECRETARY, HAS BEEN INSTRUCTED

TO TAKE LIEUTENANT GRUBER TO GESTAPO HEADQUARTERS.

DOES HE KNOW ANYTHING?

I DO NOT THINK SO, COLONEL, NO.

RENE HAS ALWAYS BEEN VERY CAREFUL

NOT TO DROP ANYTHING IN FRONT OF HIM.

WOULD YOU EXCUSE US, COLONEL?

WE ARE JUST GOING INTO THE FINALE.

( high pitched voices ) ♪ AAA-VE MARRR-III-AAA... ♪

I THINK WE SHOULD GO.

I FIND THE PRESENCE OF NUNS VERY UPLIFTING.

WE MUST DEFINITELY GO!

I HAVE DONE PRECISELY AS YOU INSTRUCTED, HERR FLICK.

I SEARCHED THE RECORDS AND DISCOVERED THAT LIEUTENANT GRUBER WAS,

FOR A SHORT WHILE IN CIVILIAN LIFE,

AN ASSISTANT IN AN ART GALLERY IN COLOGNE.

WAS THAT BEFORE OR AFTER HE WAS A WINDOW DRESSER?

AFTER.

LET US HOPE HE CAN SOLVE MY PROBLEM.

I WILL INTERVIEW HIM.

( Helga shouts ) BRING HIM IN HERE!

HEIL HITLER.

DO YOU HAVE ANY FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE SOLDIER?

NONE.

GO AWAY!

I MUST APOLOGIZE FOR THE MANNER IN WHICH YOU WERE BROUGHT TO MY HEADQUARTERS.

THAT IS QUITE ALL RIGHT.

ACTUALLY, I--

I RATHER ENJOYED IT.

THAT SOLDIER WHO BROUGHT ME, HE HAS VERY...

BROAD SHOULDERS.

I HAVE MADE INQUIRIES

INTO YOUR BACKGROUND AND INTERESTS.

YOU HAVE, SHALL WE SAY,

ARTISTIC LEANINGS.

IF YOU SAY SO.

I AM GOING TO PUT YOU TO THE TEST.

( Gruber whimpers )

HAVE YOU ANY IMMEDIATE REACTIONS TO THESE?

NOTHING WORTH REPORTING.

TRY HARDER.

ARE THEY OF HELGA?

THEY ARE MOST DEFINITELY NOT HELGA!

PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE TO TAKE A CLOSER LOOK?

DO I HAVE TO?

MAYBE THIS WILL HELP YOU.

I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT HARDLY NECESSARY.

ONE IS GENUINE, TWO ARE FORGERIES,

WHICH IS WHICH?

AH.

THIS IS AN EARLY VAN CLOMP.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

WHEN HE WAS TALLER, HE SIGNED HIS PAINTINGS FURTHER UP.

AH!

YOU HAVE A CLUE?

YES, THIS IS THE GENUINE PAINTING.

ARE YOU SURE?

THIS IS DEFINITELY THE BRUSHWORK OF THE MASTER.

WHEN HE GOT TO THIS LITTLE BIT HERE,

HE ALWAYS FINISHED OFF WITH A LITTLE CIRCLE AND A DOT. ( smacks )

EXCELLENT.

NOW, YOU UNDERSTAND

IT IS MOST IMPORTANT THAT YOU TELL NO ONE

WHAT YOU HAVE SEEN.

YOU HAVE MY WORD, HERR FLICK.

THIS IS NOT ENOUGH. SIT IN THAT CHAIR.

( whimpers )

WHAT ARE YOU G-- GOING TO DO?

THE GESTAPO HAS WAYS

OF ENSURING SILENCE.

- AAAH... - HELGA?

HE IS READY.

AARGHH!

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.

YES, HERR FLICK.

WATCH THE BIRDIE.

GOOD, THAT IS ENOUGH, HELGA.

THAT IS ENOUGH, HELGA!

YOU KNOW, OF COURSE,

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I SENT THIS PICTURE

TO YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER?

I DON'T THINK HE WOULD EVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN.

HAVE THE COLONEL AND THE CAPTAIN GONE?

OF COURSE THEY HAVE. THEY LEFT OVER AN HOUR AGO.

THEN WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME?

I HAVE BEEN HIDING BEHIND THE CURTAINS HOLDING MY BREATH.

WHERE ARE THE AIRMEN?

DON'T WORRY, WE HAVE HIDDEN THEM.

WE HAVE PUT THEM IN A SECRET PLACE.

SOMEONE IS COMING.

I WILL RECEDE DOWN THE BACK PASSAGE.

GO AWAY! WE ARE NOT OPEN.

Rene: I KNOW THAT. I OWN THE DAMNED PLACE.

COME INSIDE AND STOP MAKING AN EXHIBITION OF YOURSELVES.

OH, WHAT AN AFTERNOON.

OH, MY DEAR, BEAUTIFUL, LITTLE EDITH.

I AM SO PROUD OF HER.

THEY WERE AROUND HER LIKE FLIES.

I EXPECT HER HAT HAD GONE OFF.

NOW QUICK, WE ARE LATE OPENING.

YVETTE, MARIA, TAKE THIS SILLY OLD BAT UPSTAIRS AND PUT HER TO BED.

YOU, LECLERC, TAKE OFF YOUR HAT, PUT ON YOUR APRON

AND WASH THOSE DIRTY GLASSES BEHIND THE BAR.

I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS SO LATE.

OH, WHAT A DAY I HAVE HAD.

SO MANY COMPLIMENTS,

SO MANY RAISED HATS.

PROBABLY THEIR HAIR WAS STANDING ON END.

SEE, SEE,

MANY OF THEM GAVE ME THEIR CARDS.

"SERVIETTES AND CATERING SUPPLIES,"

"THE HAT SHOP,"

"DYNAROD"?!

TONIGHT I WILL SING AS I HAVE NEVER SUNG BEFORE.

WHAT? IN TUNE?

- MONSIEUR LECLERC? - MADAME.

PLAY FOR ME A FEW CHORDS

WHILE I PRACTICE MY SCALES.

Rene: EDITH, WE HAVE NO TIME FOR SCALES.

ALREADY WE ARE FULL OF CUSTOMERS. GOOD EVENING, GENTLEMEN.

MONSIEUR LECLERC, A CHORD IN "C."

- OWWW! - OOOH!

AARGHH!

MADAME, THE PIANO...

IS UP THE CREEK.

OH! IT DID THIS LAST WEEK.

RENE?

THE PIANO HAS GONE WRONG AGAIN.

FIX IT WHILE I SERVE THE CUSTOMERS THE DRINKS.

IT IS THE MICE,

THEY SEEK REFUGE IN THERE WHEN YOU SING.

SOMETIMES THEY GET TRAPPED.

- HELLO. - HELLO.

ARGH!

COLONEL,

CAPTAIN,

HOW NICE THAT YOU SHOULD COME IN TO MY CAFE AT THIS PRECISE MOMENT.

EDITH, GIVE THE COLONEL ONE, WILL YOU?

RENE, I HAVE NOT PRACTICED MY SCALES.

THERE IS NO TIME FOR SCALES, EDITH.

VERY WELL, I WILL GO STRAIGHT INTO MY SONG.

NO! EDITH, YOU MUST NOT SING.

- BUT RENE, WE HAVE NEW CUSTOMERS. - YES, BUT...

DO YOU HAVE ANY REQUESTS, GENTLEMEN?

SING US, EH... "LILI MARLENE."

- OH, MONSIEUR LECLERC. - NO, NO, NO.

"LILI MARLENE."

"LILI MARLENE."

RIGHT-O.

ROGER.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...

Airmen: PLINKY, PLINKY PLONK, PLONK...

PLINKY, PLINKY PLONK, PLONK.

THE CHEESE BOARD, COLONEL?

( off-key ) ♪ 'TWAS THERE THAT YOU WHISPERED TENDERLY ♪

♪ THAT YOU WOULD BE, YOU'D ALWAYS BE ♪

♪ MY LILI OF THE LAMPLIGHT. ♪

( theme music playing )