Original subtitles

(Woman) Oh. my...!

What are you doing? You're driving me crazy.

- (man) Well, it's a gift. - (Woman giggles)

- (Woman) Don't stop. - Right there?

Yes. Yes.

- That feel good? - Yes.

Thought so. Who's your daddy? Me?

Oh, yes.

Listen, I was gonna get up and feed the fish and maybe grab a cup of coffee.

- That OK? - (giggling) Yes!

Oh, yeah. Might make a couple of pieces of toast. Would you like a slice?

(giggling) Yes.

Terrific. You're the best. Same time tomorrow?

Yes!

Fantastic.

Stanley! Stanley, happy Halloween.

- Hi, Frank. No costume today? - Nah.

Hey, what you got there?

- No way. - Come on.

Thought you said you wanted to be down to fighting weight by Christmas.

- Did you cheat over the weekend? - No.

- Stay strong. - Look, look, I'm fat.

There, I said it. It's not gonna make a difference. Give me a donut. Come on.

You look great, OK? So just stick with it.

- Good to see you. - Come on.

I'm-I'm a big guy. I'm a big guy. What does it matter? One donut.

(man) I told you I wanted that information first thing in the morning.

Take a look at my watch, buddy boy. It's a quarter to 1 1 and I don't see it.

Let me tell you something: your performance is lackluster, at best!

I did it. I just don't know where I put it. Can I bring it to you in an hour?

In an hour? You might not have a job in an hour.

- What? - What do you mean, what?

What do you think you're gonna do, pick up a paycheck every two weeks

and just sit at your desk and play grab-ass all day, huh?

- Is that what you think? - Hey, guys, I'm trying to get a little...

Oh, sorry, Dave. I didn't see that was you. What's going on?

What's going on is Rob's about to

find himself out of a job, that's what's going on.

Yeah, I can't find where I put the pages on the Lasky account.

Aw, no, the one you were working on yesterday?

Yes! Yes.

- You worked all day on that, man. - I know, day and night.

I mean, it's not to worry, 'cause I sent it down to personnel, yeah,

- so it's all taken care of. - What?

I knew that they needed it and I know that he'd finished it,

so I just figured I'd run it down there myself,

Iike what you were talking about last week,

just taking care of stuff when we see it,

not waiting for somebody else to do it, so I just got it down there.

I want you to track down that report. I need that report.

I'm sorry.

- ldiots! Idiots. - I'm really sorry, Dave.

You got, like, uh, maybe an hour.

- Thank you very much. - Yeah, yeah.

Whoa. Dave.

Look at that. Tremendous outfit, my man.

Very nice. Really strong.

- I'm a pirate. - Oh. You're a pirate.

- Yeah. - I see. Terrific.

- Hey, guys, Dave's a pirate. - Oh, really?

That's awesome. See you, Dave.

- Hey, you guys see the new girl? - No. Where?

She's fine. She just went around the corner.

- Who are you? What is this? - I'm your dad.

- Come on. - No, it's like a tribute, man.

I'm your dad. What have you got going?

Clark Kent. See? No, hold on. You gotta do...

- I like that. - It's all right. I like it. That'll go.

What's-what's this action here? What've you got?

This action is called corporate climber.

Get it? Corporate... climber.

That's great.

- I mean, that's kinda weak. - No, man, it's not cool, not cool.

- Hey. - Stanley's dad. That's good.

- Did you guys see the new girl? - I know. She's hot.

- Smokin'. - Yeah.

(# "She's Got Class" by Notch)

OK, everybody, listen up. Gather around.

All right, let me introduce this lovely young lady to my right.

Her name is Diana Evans.

All right, Diana's gonna be helping us beef up our corporate division.

Let me tell you some things about her. She's young. She is aggressive,

and we're happy and lucky to have her. Diana.

Well, thank you for that lovely introduction, Mr. Sykes.

I was just hoping to slip on through here. Everyone looks so great.

- Happy Halloween. - Happy Halloween.

Well, I'm really looking forward to working here

and I promise next year I will wear a costume, really.

And if you have any questions or you just wanna say hello,

you're welcome to come by my little cubicle anytime.

Especially the gentleman in the back,

with the white button-down and the gray tie.

- Who? Me? - Yeah, you.

(# "She's Got Class" by Notch)

I have been waiting my whole life for you.

And here you are.

You are my reason, my purpose,

my destiny.

- Wow. - (music stops abruptly)

Thank you very much and I look forward to talking with all of you.

Diana.

I'm gonna ask her out.

- Yeah. - Yeah?

- Yeah. - You should. Today?

- Maybe. - Tonight?

Maybe. Maybe tomorrow.

OK, boss, this is your chance. Yeah!

(man) Oh, no. Meter maid, 2:00.

Lovely Rita, my ass. We gonna help this guy out?

Who's got a quarter? Come on. Who's got one?

- (Woman) I don't have any pockets. - I got one, I got one.

I'm gonna put it right by him. Come on.

(Woman) What a sweet thing to do!

- Oh! - (Woman) Nice toss.

Uh, OK, I don't care.

You tell them I need the files on that Henderson account by 3 pm today.

Yeah, by 3pm today. Yeah. Stanley Milton. That's right. Troubleshooter.

No, that's why they brought me in. Look, I skipped business school, OK?

No, you tell Faraday he can shove it up his ass.

Yeah, no, no. Yeah. And listen, if he wants to talk to me,

you tell him that there are four elevators

and two flights of stairs that lead all the way up to the 1 2th floor.

- You're not talking to anybody, are you? - Hold on.

No.

It's not a sweatshop. They're all legal.

- Why are you still pretending? - 'Cause it's fun.

- Hang up. - I gotta go. Yeah.

- Are you ready? - For what?

- I have some news. - What kind of news? Lay it on me.

She broke up with her boyfriend. (groWls)

- Diana. - Diana?

Yeah. Diana.

The interesting thing about this fund is it can also invest

in sponsored or unsponsored ADRs - they're issued by our banks -

evidencing their ownership in specific foreign securities.

The value of these convertible securities is a function of

(a) its yield in comparison with the yields of other securities...

Kill me.

- This is it! Right? - Yeah.

There's you, there's the woman you've been in love with from afar.

There's the midget she's been dating. He's out of the picture.

Opportunity. Window.

I understand. I'm just not ready. I got this.

- Just talk to me. - Women love you, right?

Nancy constantly eying the package, always staring at it, sizing it up, right?

- The girl from the dim sum. - Clare.

- Clare. There you go. - A lot of hang-ups, Clare.

What about the girl from Deja Vu? Oh, my God! That girl was all over you.

You went there and immediately she was just creeping on you and...

(grunting)

Remember that? Touching up on you. She loved you, that girl.

It was a lap dance.

Still...

I think this mess has gone on long enough. I gotta tell you.

I think you've waited entirely too patiently through entirely too many boyfriends.

The talk about the warm, fuzzy feeling you got

when you saw her in the elevator makes me sick.

- Bye. Have a good day. - Yeah.

(moans)

You have planned out every second

of what you hope will be the perfect evening.

Starting out in the right place with a little cocktail,

bringing it over for some theater, then you bring it back to the restaurant. Nya!

- Seal the deal at the capper table. - Capper table?

It's your idea. I'm just giving it a name.

I mean, that's what you're gonna do. You're gonna cap off your evening.

That sounds sleazy, and this is not sleazy.

- Do you understand that? - Shut up! OK? Just shut up.

That's it. You are ready.

- This is it? - Yes, this is it.

- And let me tell you why. - 'Cause now we got window.

That's right.

You're ready to throw in the towel and I'm telling you,

- this is the perfect, shining moment. - Right.

When one man has not measured up

and the next man, he hasn't summoned the courage, the strength,

to reach deep within himself

to draw forth the sword from the stone...

- That is Diana. - Yes! Now we got window.

We got the window. That's the window you were talking about.

- What have we got? Oh, it's window. - You were telling me about it.

- And now I'm telling you about it. - Window!

It's a window!

- (both) Window! Window! - (Woman) Shut up! On the phone here.

(man) We got window.

Conference room.

- Oh, that was funny. - What are you doing?

You don't just say "Oh, that was funny." You have to laugh.

Right. (forced laugh)

All right. You're killing me here, OK?

Look, hold it.

This is polished. This whole thing is honed.

Do it like Ted just told you the joke three seconds ago. You come in...

You know, it gives you this great energy going in,

and then you ask her how she's doing.

- Then... - Great. Sorry to hear that.

- Depending on what she says. - There you go.

- Then you segue right to the joke. - Now, what if the joke fails?

It doesn't matter. It's Ted's joke. Make fun of Ted. He's an idiot.

- That's the genius of this. - So, is it on?

- Yeah. - Yeah, man. It's on. It's on.

What's up! You are the man.

You're laughing, you're smiling. That's when you slip in the casual date.

- Stanley. Good luck! - Thanks.

- It's just a thing. It's just very casual. - That's what it is. It's a casual thing.

- That's the whole key. - It's a casual thing. And there she is.

Oh, God.

I need to check out the card.

- (man) And (b)... - Please don't do (b).

- Jeez, tell me about it. - Hm?

- Am I getting ahead of you? - Well, sort of. Uh...

We can't understand what you're saying.

Well... whose fault is that?

Yours. It's your fault. We asked you to come down here today

because we want a better understanding of how our divisions could work together.

We're tired of our customers leaving us to go to Bear Stearns or Merrill Lynch

or whoever else they're going to.

We didn't get that from you.

So now you can go back to your little cubicle

and get back on the horn, comfortable in the knowledge that

the nine people you had lunch with today,

along with everyone else that banks with us,

knows less about investing than you.

Hm.

(gulps)

That'll do it.

- Just kinda launch in... - You don't need this. Forget about this.

- OK? You got it. - I'd like to just take a look.

No, you don't need it. This isn't for you. You have it up here. Get rid of that.

Here we go. Where's mad dog? Come on.

- Thank you, thank you, thank you. - You're quite welcome.

- Mad dog. You're the mad dog! - She's on the rebound, man.

And I think someone else heard us too.

Diana.

- That was funny. How are you? - Uh, good.

- How are you? - Good, great. Sorry to hear that.

I figured I'd give you a few options, you know.

- Thank you. - Sure.

(Whispering) Joke.

Say, Ted in the mailroom just told me a hilarious joke.

Really funny. Have you got a minute?

Sure. But can you walk me to my office?

- Yeah, yeah. - Thanks.

Apparently there was this magician and he's playing to a packed audience,

and for his big finish,

he kind of forces this big guy from the audience to volunteer.

Well, he gets the big guy up on stage and he says to him

"l want you to hit me over the head with this sledgehammer as hard as you can."

Then the magician leans over and whispers to him "Don't worry, it's a trick,"

and then winks at him. So the big guy takes the sledgehammer,

raises it high into the air and then hits him

the magician, right over the head with it as hard as he can.

- Oh, my God! - Right, exactly.

The magician just collapses, goes down cold.

They rush him to the hospital where he slips into a coma. Six months go by,

and he's sitting by the magician's bedside, just like he always is,

and he notices the magician's hand start to twitch, and then his arm.

The big guy, he can't believe it. This guy hasn't moved for months.

- (man) Kevin. Line one. - I'll call him back.

Then suddenly, he sits straight up in bed,

raises his arms above his head and screams "Ta-da!"

(snorts)

That is so funny!

- That's Ted's joke? - Oh, well, yeah, his premise. I mean,

- I kinda fine-tuned it and fleshed it out. - Very funny. Do you wanna come in?

- Sure. - Come on in.

- Stanley's gonna ask out Diana? - Yeah.

- She'll eat him alive. - Care to put some money on it?

Say, my best friend from college,

my college roommate, he just won a trip to Aruba

and he can't use his tickets to the theater tonight,

so... I mean, I know this is very short notice and everything,

but I was just gonna run the idea by you...

Sure. That'd be nice.

(Whimpers)

Excuse me?

No, no, it's totally casual, you know.

I'd probably just give 'em away otherwise. No big deal.

Believe me, I'm in the mood for totally casual. I need totally casual.

Great, yeah.

That's what it is, you know. It's just casual. It's no big deal.

Great. Well, here is my address.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

- Do you mind picking me up at seven? - Not at all. There it is.

Yeah.

I don't mean to be rude or anything, but I kinda have a lot of phone calls to make.

Tell me about it. I'm swamped out there. I've got a million things going on.

- Yeah. Uh... - Well, this'll be fun, Steve.

- Great. So I'll see you at seven. - Seven. Bye.

It's Stanley.

But who wants to get technical about something like that?

No way.

God, you're a pimp.

(groWls)

We're with you. We're with you, my brother.

Ride! Like the wind!

For the man? Five bucks, huh?

Against?

$20. There's a believer. Yeah.

Look at that. Management showing up.

Two to one after 1 2. The overnight date pays five to one.

He's very strong. After midnight pays two to one.

I think Stanley's gonna get some pudding.

I think it's sweet.

(Woman) Oh. God. this guy is so not right for you.

I know. He's kind of dorky and goofy.

But every other guy I've been attracted to, it turns out to be a disaster.

Maybe that's something you need to look into.

- There's gotta be one prince out there. - Oh. God.

Your white knight who's noble and strong,

who opens car doors and writes poetry.

You're looking for a guy who slays dragons, and - hi! - chivalry's dead.

So I'll just lower my standards and stay with some jerk who treats me like shit.

There's gotta be someone out there for me.

- Where's he taking you? - To the theater.

Boring! Smells like a "home early. "

Doubt it. I'm sure he'll use the old, "Let's go grab a bite to eat."

What time does the play start?

- Eight. - OK. You're home by 1 0:30.

- Oh, crap! - What?

Oh, nothing. I'm making this bowl for my mom,

and every time I try to make the lip, it turns into this great big enormous turd.

Well, maybe that's something you need to look into.

- Home early. - Sarah.

- I'll pray I'm wrong. - Bye.

It's showtime.

(horn)

Just act normal. Just act relaxed.

Oh!

- So this is casual? - Oh, yeah.

- Should I change? - (laughs)

- No. Should I change? - No, no.

You look great. I mean, yeah. Jeans, that's great.

They were originally a working pant

in the Bay area during the gold-rush days.

Oh, yeah, I guess...

This is kind of a suit. Here, I got you these. It's kind of a mix.

Thank you. They're so pretty.

Oh, yeah, sure. I mean, most of 'em are real, I think.

- I'm kidding. They're all real. - Hang on one second.

- OK. - I'm gonna go bring this up.

I used to like my college bowl...

- Hey, Michael. - Dave. What's up, man? How are you?

- Hey, Ted. Who called you? - Good to see you.

How's the holding hands? Have they done that?

Can you give me 1 00 on holding hands?

- Yeah, I'll put you down for 1 00. - OK. I have no cash.

All right, that's it. Bets are locked, all right.

Get your money down. If you don't get it down now, don't say I didn't warn you.

(Diana) It didn't sound right when I said it, so I'm sorry.

So, Stanley, I apologize profusely.

Steve. Great name. Not mine, but...

Apology accepted. Thank you.

Anyway, what a great idea to grab a drink.

- It's very pretty. - Oh, yeah.

- Roses? - Ma'am, I don't wanna buy no roses.

I'm alone. I'm not buying a rose for my bread.

Now don't you get no ideas about them.

I saw what you did to this chump over here,

selling roses for $5 a pop. It's just a weed with some red leaves on it.

Now get your ass up outta here. I see how you pressin' in on the boys,

making 'em feel bad in front of their girlfriends. Bunch of player haters. God!

- So what are we seeing, by the way? - It's called America. It's historical.

Reality-based. The kid at the college newspaper loved it.

It's a monologue, so the characters, they talk one at a time.

Oh! Well, that way we would know what they're saying.

- I get it. - Yeah, OK.

No, but it is supposed to be very good. Interesting.

Oh, I'm sure it'll be fine. I'm really excited to see it.

And then, you know, afterwards, if we're hungry,

we can go find someplace, get a bite to eat.

You know, I know a great new...

Hey, you just relax.

I'll be in charge of the dining situation.

All right. I see.

So, what are you getting to drink?

I don't know. What are you gonna have?

Hey, you said relax, so why don't you just order for me?

My dad used to do that, yeah, when we were kids.

Sometimes we'd love it, sometimes we'd hate it.

We never knew what we were gonna get.

My dad's whole thing is, you just gotta grab the bull by the balls.

- That's horns. - My dad always said balls.

- Roses? - Uh, we're friends. It's casual.

She's just a coworker. Thank you.

Roses for the girlfriend?

I bought her flowers earlier. Thank you, though.

And they were so beautiful, so thank you.

Roses for the girlfriend.

Roses for the girlfriend?

- OK, give me one. - One? Just one?

(speaks Spanish)

OK. How much for all these?

- Oh, what are you doing, Stanley? - How much for everything?

75.

I have to call Michael. I gotta tell him about this.

- Hello. - Michael. it's Tee.

- Yeah, how's our boy doing? - Weak.

Your boy just spent $75 on a rose.

Well, I mean, they're still at the restaurant, right?

Yeah. true that.

All right. You keep it real, man.

Vanilla lce says that they've arrived at the restaurant

and they're still together.

So, Tim,

Sarah... oh! Cliff and Marv. See you, wouldn't wanna be you.

You can stick around for the party stuff, but you're out of the pool.

Don't ever bet against my boy! Ted, take over the board.

I gotta get to the theater. Marilyn, let's go.

OK. OK. I'm in control.

So the next big payoff is going to be

non lip-lip lingering physical contact prior to the show.

And that's gonna go off at ten to one.

- I have a question. - What?

- Brief question. - You have a question?

Yeah. What are the odds of them having no contact?

He doesn't touch her. Nothing at all.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Worry about your own bets. He's not the only one

- who thinks Stanley doesn't have a shot. - You don't have a shot.

- You didn't have to do that. - No, I wanted to.

- Uh-uh, no, you didn't. - Yeah, I did.

I mean, the flower lady's a heck of a closer. I just got a little confused.

You know, I didn't know whether to buy one or just the whole basket,

and then she kind of backed me into a corner.

- Well, one would have been fine. - Really?

Is that...? You just never know what to do. I felt weird.

Do you know no one has ever given me just one flower?

This is so sweet of you, but there's just, you know, something so elegant -

maybe not this one - about a single rose.

Just... a single white rose.

That sounds great. I... Would you excuse me for a moment?

- Yeah. - Excuse me.

- Careful. - Be right back.

This is Michael. I'm out there someWhere. releasing the giant Within.

I hope you're out there doing the same thing.

Michael, are you there? Pick up. Michael.

Oh, God. OK, two things. One: did you get the index card from Diana's office?

Please tell me you did. Please. And I need a huge favor.

I need you to go buy a single white rose

and then place the rose near the capper table.

And please get this. All right? Please do this. I gotta go.

I gotta go. Bye.

- Thank you. - Sure, sure. There you go.

It's unlocked.

Come on, now.

It's unlocked.

I think I was unlocking it while you were locking it.

(English accent) Off to the theater.

Stanley!

(man) Wait a second!

- Oh, my God! - Man down, man down.

- I didn't even see him. - Oh, my God.

He came out of nowhere.

- (Diana) I'll call 91 1. - No, I'm fine, I'm fine. I just...

- I'm so sorry. Are you sure you're OK? - I think I soiled my pants.

- Stanley, be careful. - OK, well, don't move, don't move.

- I'll try. I... - Show's over, folks. Go ahead.

Come on. Let's go. See, he's fine, he's fine. Show's over. Thanks.

Just try and get your knees under your body.

You're sliding me under the car. I've got that.

I just wanna figure out if anything's broken. You got it there?

- Let's try and get... - This is good.

OK. There you go. Get your knees under you there.

Thank you. Thank you.

Just walk it off here. Here, we'll have a seat right here.

There you go.

I think I'm OK.

Oh!

- My animals! - What?

My animal collection, they're-they're-they're broken.

- OK, how many? - I don't know. 1 4.

No, 1 3. I traded one for...

- How much were they? - I don't know. I got 'em at different times

They're all different prices. It's all... This is moving too fast.

If you had to put a dollar amount on it, what would it be?

200?

- Dollars? - Come on, buddy! Move the car!

I... I had a... a lion, a chimp,

and a squirrel, a rat...

OK, $200.

A mole. That's what it was. It wasn't a rat.

- I'm gonna write you a check. - It's like a rat...

- I don't take checks. - What, it's against your policy?

No, I don't...

- I don't have a check-cashing card. - Check-cashing card? So what?

It doesn't matter. The branch is right there. You just go there and you cash it.

- Please be nice. - OK. What's your name?

- Phil. - OK, Phil. Hi.

Nice to meet you. How can I help you?

By not hitting me with your car again. That'd be a big help.

I promise I won't hit you with my car again. Now, what can I do for you?

Make me new animals.

I don't have a Bunsen burner and, you know, like a long metal tube.

- Oh, that's how...? - Gentlemen.

Why don't we just go to an ATM?

That way you could give Phil his money and we could just make it to the theater.

I'm really sorry.

Just take care of it. Just pay him. Just get rid of him.

- Well, this is cozy. - Yeah.

Isn't it?

(Phil groans)

- I think there's blood in my hip. - You got blood in your hip?

- I can feel it swelling. - Really?

- (Phil) You smell good. - (Diana) Thank you. So do you.

What is that? Old Spice?

Ford Taurus.

(Diana) You sure you don't wanna get checked out or anything?

I'm fine, I'm fine. What's with all the flowers?

Well, Stanley bought all those for me. Aren't they pretty?

Yeah. Yeah.

- You guys on a date? - No, no, we're just friends from work.

- You know. It's casual. - He asked me to the theater tonight.

- Oh. - Yeah.

- How's it going? - Good.

It... It doesn't look like a date.

- Uh, do you mind? - Not at all.

- Anyway, I'll be home early. - I knew it!

I gotta go. Bye.

Would you mind if I take care of this transaction

without you peering over my shoulder like that?

Thank you.

I moved away 'cause Stanley doesn't want me to see his secret code.

Hey, Phil, she doesn't care. Just stand there and be quiet.

Will do.

All right. $200. Really sorry for the inconvenience,

and take care. Really appreciate it. Thank you.

OK.

Bye-bye.

Have a good one.

Do you mind if we, like, quickly take him down to the hospital? Is that OK?

No. Yeah, I'm sure that's...

- I mean, I think you should. - OK.

Uh, Phil.

There goes the first act.

- That's for sure. - Huh?

You can say that again.

What are you talking about?

I thought it was a saying. "There goes the first act."

- Have you ever heard it before? - No.

- Then how can it be a saying? - I don't know.

I thought you were starting it.

Are you listening to me? I'm halfway through the first act

- They're not even in their seats yet. - OK.

Guys, Michael's at the theater. He says they're nowhere to be found.

Ted. Ted. Don't make an announcement. What are you doing?

- I'm just... - You know what, you're a moron.

You're off the board. I'm shit-canning you off the board.

You don't touch the eraser for the rest of the night.

You give it to Sally. Now!

- I'm off the board. - Oh.

Um... I'm off the board.

(man) That's embarrassing.

- Is that for me? - Just take it.

Is that for me? Thanks, sweetie.

Have a seat. OK, where were we?

All right. I need someone to back up Neal's 1 5.

- (Woman) I'm in. - 1 5 on groping.

All right, attagirl, attagirl.

- She's nice. - Yeah, I know.

That's why I was trying to spend the evening with her.

- What do you mean? - What do I mean?

Phil...

You see that woman in there? From the moment I saw her,

all I could think about was her, so I planned the perfect evening,

knowing full well that if I ever got the chance, I'd only have one shot at it.

So where am I spending my perfect evening with her? I'm with you.

- Which woman? The one in the hat? - Diana!

- Oh. - The one in the hat?

Diana.

Phil...

Have you ever felt like you were just really meant to be with somebody?

Like your whole life was just kind of this big mess that just kinda kept happening

up until the day when this unbelievable person came into your life,

and then suddenly, you know, you didn't feel so lost anymore.

You felt like everything you thought you'd been doing wrong in your life,

you're actually doing it right,

because that whole time she was coming closer to you.

You just weren't smart enough to know it.

Or... brave enough to just tell her.

I... I had that once.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

That's good. You see? I mean, so you know what I'm talking about.

I loved her... I loved her more than anything.

- What was her name? - Laura.

She gave me first glass animal.

And I left and... never saw her again.

Well, Phil...

when that happened to you,

it really upset you, right, inside, to lose this Laura?

Well, that's how I feel about Diana. You see?

And if one more thing goes wrong with this evening, Phil,

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

The way you feel about Laura, you see,

that's the way I feel about Diana.

It's the same thing.

- Got it. - Great. Thanks, man. Thank you.

I'm gonna help.

I don't need it.

Phil, I don't need it, OK?

I hope you're smiling 'cause you get it. I do.

All right, Phil. They're gonna take some x-rays

just to make sure everything's OK.

They said it could take about 20 minutes.

And then Stanley and l, we're gonna go see our play.

- X-ray? Why? - You'll be fine.

It'll be OK. It'll be quick.

Phil, it's gonna be...

- (nurse) Come on now! - It's gonna be OK.

Phil, I don't need your help, OK? Now just relax and take it...

You need to bust a move.

The rap number. "Chick walks up, you wish you could sex her.

You're standing on the wall like you was Poindexter. Break it down for me, fellas."

- I remember it. Thanks. - No, but you're the Poindexter.

Nobody's breaking anything down, OK? Just take it easy.

You're the Poindexter. And I'm gonna help...

(man) Can We go ahead and do this. please?

I'm gonna help you bust your move.

You're not alone here, Phil. We're both watching.

(Phil) I don't think you really know what you want.

Yeah, I do, Phil. So, please, I wanna be alone with her.

Well... I'm helping, and I'm not changing my mind.

- Everything looks fine. - Nothing's broken?

- No. - Thank God.

Great. Now Doc, I need to ask you

- a really big favor here. - (Phil) What's going on?

When you give him back his test results,

if you could just give him that, I'd really appreciate it.

- What are you guys talking about? - I know it seems really weird,

but trust me, when you talk to him, when you talk to him,

you'll see what I'm... you're gonna get what I'm talking about.

Just tell him he can take a cab anywhere he wants to go.

Here's my home phone number. He can call me tomorrow.

Hey, Phil. I'm gonna go check on Diana. I'll be right back.

(mouthing indistinct)

OK.

- How'd it go? - Great, great. Are you ready?

- Yeah. Is Phil coming? - Uh, he didn't wanna come.

He said to say thank you but he'd rather be alone right now. Go figure.

But yeah, he's gonna wait for the results with the nurse. They kinda hit it off.

- Oh. Good for him. - Yeah.

(Stanley) If we're lucky, we may be able to catch the end of the first act.

(Diana) Good.

(Stanley) Thank God that's over.

OK. Where were we?

(Stanley) Time for America.

- Man down. - (Diana) Stanley!

You promised.

You know, you really are so amazing with what you've been through tonight.

- You sure you're OK? - Now I am.

We really should have taken you back to the hospital.

No!

No, God. That horrible, horrible machine.

- So what happened with the nurse? - What?

Well, Stanley said that you and she were hitting it off

and that's why you stayed back there.

She had a fat ass.

Sorry, Phil.

Yeah, I just don't wanna miss it.

Come on. Let's go.

It's just down here. We'll go to will call and pick 'em up.

(Phil) America.

Phil, we gotta run, but I can't tell you what a pleasure it's been, so...

- Bye. - But l... I have to... help.

It's OK. You know? I think we got it.

- Really? - Yeah.

- OK. - We'll see you later.

- Take care. - Great meeting you.

Have a good one.

(man) Ladies and gentlemen. just a reminder.

Theater in the Park is reliant on your non-tax-deductible contributions...

- Here? - Yeah.

- Excuse me. - Act two Will begin in one minute.

Sorry.

- What happened to you? - What are you doing here?

I got tickets.

- For who? - Me and Marilyn.

Hi, Stanley. You're a mad dog.

- Diana. - Michael.

- Really nice to see you. - Nice to see you too.

- You're looking good. - Thank you.

- Big fan of the play. - Really?

I come every night. Every night. I can't get enough of it.

- How's it going? - Good. Good.

Good.

You'll be fine. You're a mad dog. Mad dog. Go, mad dog, go.

Woof, woof.

This guy...

You know, I'm really kind of worried about Phil.

Oh, I'm sure he'll be fine. Yeah. Did he put something in there?

No, I think you have enough stuff in there.

He seemed really sad when we dropped him off, didn't he?

Yeah, yeah, but...

No. He actually seemed fine. He seemed kinda preoccupied with,

you know, just kind of getting back to his life.

- Yeah... - Yeah.

- The Union Pacific Railway system. - (train Whistle)

When I was a little boy,

I used to stay up at night just so I could hear the train go by.

You see, my father - yes, my father - was the...

He would always give me an extra... extra whistle...

(imitates train Whistle)

I wonder what took longer: his monologue,

or to actually build the railroads.

(# "Yankee Doodle")

This is some dogshit, dude. Just dogshit.

You know, it's actually so bad, it's good.

- Oh, yeah. It's almost fascinating. - Don't you think?

(Woman) I think we might need a little more hairspray.

(Elvis impersonator) Should be up higher, should be poofy.

'72 he wore it real poofy.

(# "Yankee Doodle")

(# "She's Got Class" by Notch)

(# "She's Got Class" by Notch continues)

- (music stops abruptly) - (Woman)...my mother's mother.

That would make her my granny. We'd gather right here in this very room

every Sunday afternoon after services.

All the men sat out on the porch

blowing smoke from their pipes into some God-awful configurations!

And my mother, she never mentioned what happened again.

She's still talking?

I think she's kind of working her way towards the finale.

Knit one, purl two. Knit one, purl two.

- Knit one, purl two... - (applause)

(Phil) l... I can't see a thing.

I mean...

- OK, that's worse. - Who's this guy?

What the f...? Who is this guy?

Do something.

- Do something! - Who is this guy? Come on. Come on.

What is he doing?

I...

I found this bread over... over there.

So l... I took it.

I like bread. It tastes good.

It's good for you. It's filling.

You can eat it hot or cold, which is...

That's good.

And there's a million different kinds.

Hang on.

- Roll the slides. - No. Those are my slides.

(# "America the Beautiful")

There's rye...

wheat, whole-wheat...

pumpernickel, sourdough...

You know sourdough bread?

Egg, garlic, raisin, nut, pita...

white, wheat, whole-grain

or multigrain or even... a bun.

But the truth is...

it's all the same thing.

They all started out exactly the... the same way.

But because we needed it and... and we shaped it,

it... it turned out to be...

exactly what we... what we wanted it to be.

I don't know.

Food for thought.

(cheering and Whistling)

We hear you!

Curtain call. Yeah, curtain call now. Go.

Smile. Smile, Custer, smile. Come on, curtain call.

You're a genius, man. You're a genius!

(Diana) That was so great, Phil.

You're parked in a tow away zone.

(Stanley) I don't believe this!

Come on. I mean, it was right here.

I know.

And... they took my bag.

Best thing in the show.

They took my bag.

No, Phil. They took my car. My car.

Your bag of broken glass just happened to be in it because you left it there.

I'm really sorry, and if you wanna call it a night, you know, I'll understand.

No. We'll find your car. It's no big deal.

- Here. - Thank you.

- You're welcome. - She's a keeper.

- (phone rings) - Hello?

- Ted, don't answer my phone. - I thought we made up.

- What is it? - I told you, Ted. Shouldn't have done it.

Hey, sweetie. How you doing?

What's up! Biatch!

You gotta update the board. I think we're looking strong.

Who's supposed to be covering the restaurant?

Mark.

Right, well tell Mark to get his ass over there. He should be there.

OK. Mark, I need you to go to the restaurant right now.

Right. Mark's going. Schnell! Schnell!

Hey, I got pies!

All right. Bye.

- Thank you. Come on. - OK.

Due, I thought you were on the board. No? OK. In the fridge.

I haven't been on a bus in years.

Hi. Would you mind if I write you a check?

- You can owe me. - Thank you.

- Who's on the bus? - OK, what are you doing?

- All right? Please don't make a scene. - I'm doing the bus song. Bus song.

- What's the bus song? - Bus song.

OK, You're making me uncomfortable, all right? Can we sit down, please?

Yeah. That's fine.

Who's on the bus? Who's on the bus? Who's on the bus?

"OK, Stanley. I'll sit down. I don't have to sing the song."

- Thanks, Phil. I really appreciate it. - Who's on the bus?

- Hey, sit down! - Who's on the bus? Who's on the bus?

Who's on the bus?

- Mary. - Who's on the bus?

Mary's on the bus and she's going to...

- Alvarado Street. - Alvarado Street.

Who's on the bus? Who's on the bus? Who's on the bus?

- Bill? - Who's on the bus?

Bill's on the bus and he's going to...

- Spring Street. - Yeah!

Who's on the bus? Who's on the bus?

- Stanley. - Who's on the bus?

Stanley's on the bus and he's going to...

- Dinner. - Dinner. Mm!

Who's on the bus? Everybody!

Who's on the bus? Who's on the bus? Who's on the bus?

Mahareinlu.

Who's on the bus? Mahareinlu's on the bus and she's going to...

Cerritos, California.

Mahareinlu's on the wrong bus!

(Stanley) Mahareinlu's on the bus.

Oh, boy. "Who's on the bus?"

- That was a lovely song. - (Diana) What are you doing?

Making shadows. Laura and I used to do this.

Laura? Hm.

Is that a girlfriend?

Yeah, sort of.

- See how big I can make myself? - (Stanley) Yeah, Phil, you're huge.

(Diana) So huge. But look at how big we are.

(Phil makes animal noises)

- You don't have to carry me anymore. - Are you kidding? I'm in the zone.

I mean, my heart rate's up, we just won a major battle back there,

and, I mean, you got on open-toed shoes, so...

I got you. Well, I mean, I figured I'd carry you to the street.

That way your feet didn't get dirty back here.

- You didn't want my feet to get dirty? - I mean, I could go either way.

It's just, you know, I figured you like 'em clean,

you know, otherwise you wouldn't have done such a good job washing them.

- There you go, my lady. - Well, thank you, good sir.

Sir Stanley at your service.

Come here.

You got your clothes a little messed up carrying me there.

- Oh, thanks. - You're welcome.

Thank you.

You guys are having a moment.

Kinda.

I've never really had a moment.

- I'm gonna go get the car. - I'll go too.

I was...

I mean, I'm at the restaurant,

and Stanley and Diana are nowhere to be found.

They're holding the table for 'em.

Yeah, he gave them 1 00 bucks. The maitre d' told me.

All right, look, just stay at the restaurant.

I'm sure they'll be there any second. And call Sally

and tell her that We're on our Way to the capper table.

- How you doing in there? - Good.

OK.

It's over. I got a bad feeling, OK?

- Maybe there's a change of plan. - True that. True that.

You towed my car here and now it's somewhere on your lot.

Well, you're gonna have to talk to Hank about that.

(both) And he's on a break.

Yeah.

I like your flowers.

Listen here. We got those out of one of the vehicles.

- I know. You got 'em out of mine. - No.

Yeah. Hey, listen, I don't care about the flowers, all right?

I'd just like to get the car back.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Is everything all right? - Well, yeah.

But this gentleman won't release the car until Hank gets back.

- He's on a break. - And he's on a break.

Uh, yeah...

- Hi. - Hi.

You know, I'm trying to ditch Fred and Barney over here.

Yeah.

So the sooner I get my car, the sooner we can party.

Oh. Me likey.

Break my heart.

- Let me see what I can do. - Thank you.

- Hey, Hank. - (man) I'm taking my break.

Yeah, well, you're gonna wanna see this. We got a little party treat.

What's so damn important that it can't wait till after my...

What can I do you for?

Listen, I was telling your buddy here that...

I'm trying to lose some excess baggage.

(snickering)

I think I got the claim check on.

I'm handling this.

- Go on. - Yeah. It's the '97 green Taurus.

Yeah. That one came in a little over an hour ago.

It came in about an hour ago.

- (punch) - Ow!

You stay there. And don't move.

Let me show you to your vehicle.

Thanks.

- Carl will ring you up. - OK.

Hey, hammerhead, get off your fat ass and ring this guy up.

Thanks.

- You OK? - Yeah.

- All right, let's see here. - Right this way, darling.

- $1 79.50. - What?

$1 79.50.

It's $55 for parking in a commercial loading zone, which you did.

$80 for the tow. $44.50 for the overnight storage.

- It's only been here an hour. - You know what?

- We're gonna need some cash. - I don't have the cash.

Here you go.

You can owe me.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

A friend in need.

No, no, we're not gonna take care of it later, OK?

We're gonna take care of it right now.

We're gonna go to that ATM, we're gonna get your money,

and though we've had some wonderful moments, we're gonna call it a night.

- Call it a night? - Yeah. Good night.

But we're... we're having so much fun.

No, Phil. You're having fun, all right?

But she... she's laughing.

Yes, Phil, but she's laughing at you, all right, not with me.

And right now there's a dinner and a bottle of champagne

standing between me and the rest of my life.

So I'm just asking you, you know...

Iet me have my date back, OK?

I still think I'm helping. I do.

Oh, you're not. You're not.

So...

- Don't touch me. - You got it.

- Your loss, sweet cheeks. - I'm sure it is.

(Stanley) Thanks, Hank.

- I'm sitting in the middle this time. - All right.

He would have to sit in back.

Hey, Phil. So how are my two favorite men?

- Good. - Wasn't that fun?

Yep.

(Diana laughs)

Car sick. I think I'm gonna be car sick.

- Phil, don't, OK? - Are you all right?

(farts)

I'm good.

(Phil farts)

Yeah, I feel better. False alarm, I guess.

See, she's laughing. And you said I wasn't helping.

Helping? Helping with what?

Phil...

- What's he talking about? - What's he talking about?

He's talking about helping. Helping you, Diana.

You need to loosen up a little bit.

- I need to loosen up? - You really do.

We got to talking earlier, and you're wound pretty tight, you know?

You couldn't possibly be talking about someone else in this car?

Who happens to be sitting behind the wheel?

Who, me? No. I'm like water. I'm flowing.

I'm like a reed out there, just blowing peacefully in the breeze.

Do I look tense? I got the blinker on, I got the blinker off.

I got the wiper on. It ain't raining. We're cruising along peacefully.

- With the hazards on. - Oh, yeah?

Wanna see me do something crazy?

I'll pull over right now and drink some expired milk.

I'm just nuts, just shape-shifting, all kinds of stuff.

What?

- What's wrong? - Nothing.

(Phil) It's not gonna get any greener.

I know, Phil. I know.

Thanks.

- Thanks. - What are you gonna do?

I think I'm gonna go buy glue, get some newspaper, lay that out,

put on some soup, take a nap.

Then I'm gonna do a little triage on these babies here.

Bad news, Phil. ATM's out of cash. I'm really sorry,

but I'm afraid you're gonna have to come with us while we grab a bite,

and then we'll go get your money afterwards, OK?

- Whatever. - I'm really sorry to put you out like this.

(Diana) I know a great place.

Sounds good.

So... how do we get to this great place?

- Hey, guys. Guys. - What are you doing?

- I've made my own board. - Ted, don't be ridiculous.

Guys, 1 2 to 1 odds that they make it to the capper table.

- Put me down for 20. - All right.

- The date's already over. - You don't know that.

He's dying.

Pathetic. Let's go to the big board, folks.

- It's yellowtail. - That's a fish.

What? Why's the rice so clumpy?

Phil, would you just shut up and just eat it?

Here, take a little of this and put it with that and then you gotta dunk it in there.

Then you just eat it. It's good.

Yeah. It's good.

(Diana) So how long have you worked at Smith Bates?

- About four years. - You're kidding!

No. Why?

Wow. I just didn't think you were there that long.

Well, I've been over at the Van Nuys office for a couple of years,

so probably haven't seen a lot of each other.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

- There is no Van Nuys office. - You're kidding! Yeah, I noticed

that I was one of the only people around the office most of the time.

(coughs)

We've ridden the elevator together. Quite a few times.

Yeah.

- Do you remember? - I think I do recall.

I'm usually so focused at work,

but I do think, yeah, I have ridden the elevator with you.

Yeah. Yeah, I have.

(coughs)

- Spicy. - Yeah, spicy.

You like that, huh?

Here, Phil, kind of go like that.

You just got a little... right here.

Some of the spicy stuff, you got it right here in your teeth.

- Where? - Right there.

I can't... I can't get a fix on it.

- I'd go to the bathroom, Phil. - It's still there.

He's quite a character.

Really? I thought you didn't like him.

He actually kinda grows on you, you know?

He does, doesn't he?

(mimics French Waiter) Yes, you are moist,

but the moisture is from the beverage I have just spilled on you.

No, no, shocking at first,

but I know that you will become used to it, if not even prefer it.

Merci.

What a great French accent.

Spent a little time in England, so...

Come here.

Got it.

- You had a piece of lint in your hair. - Oh, God. Thank you.

Yeah. Is that it? Is everything out of there?

I don't know. There might be some more.

(man) lsn't this perfect?

Oh, God. It's Kevin.

- Who's Kevin? - My ex-boyfriend.

- How are you? - Wow.

Wow.

You don't waste any time, do you?

- Should I get the check? - No.

- Don't do this. - Do what?

- This. - Is this a friend from work?

Probably consoling you

because you're so torn up about breaking my heart.

Kevin, I am sorry, but this is not the place for this.

- We both knew this wasn't working out. - Yeah. I guess.

That's just perfect for you, though, isn't it?

God, you love the bullshit, don't you? You love the bullshit.

The struggle to connect, try to change a guy. You know we'll never change.

And then it's his fault, that he didn't measure up. Right? You blame him.

So then you dump him and then nobody ever really has to get close to you,

and everybody keeps thinking you're perfect.

- Well, I'm far from perfect. - No shit.

And you're a shining example of that.

Wow. Man.

I mean... what, has he got Laker tickets or something?

What is it? I mean...

You got a lot of money or something? You got a sports car? Big house? What?

- Is that what you think I'm about? - Shut up.

- You shut up. - What?

What'd you say?

(Phil) That's my seat.

Phil, not right now.

Oh, no. Is he with you?

Mm-hm. Don't.

Oh, man.

Hey, how's it going?

Kevin, stop.

No, no, it's all right. Rain Man wants to know what's going on.

I'll just fill the Rain Man in.

See, this creature just broke up with me, like, three days ago.

And now she's out there with her hands in your buddy's pants, so...

I was thinking of taking him outside and whipping his ass.

Just kind of as a thing, you know, I mean...

Do you have a problem with that? I mean, maybe you can come with me...

Stop it. You're embarrassing yourself.

Have a little dignity.

(sobs)

All right, shh.

(# sings "Pu. the Magic Dragon")

I'm so sorry.

(sobbing)

(Diana) I'm so sorry about what happened back there.

Don't worry about it.

- But I am. - Apology accepted.

- Are you OK? - Yeah, sure. I'm fine.

- You were laughing. - Yeah. I was having fun.

It was lovely to meet you, Phil.

Back at you.

- He's a good egg. - Yeah, he is.

He's definitely a good egg.

I just wish his shell were a little harder.

- (Stanley) Well, good night, Phil. - Later.

Are you sure you're gonna be OK around here?

Yeah. Now that I got my money,

tomorrow I can start collecting my menagerie again.

Wait a second.

- Your what? - What?

Just now, in the car, you said "Tomorrow I can start collecting my..."

- Animal menagerie. - Glass animal menagerie?

Phil, this woman, the one that you're in love with,

with the dancing and the shadows on the wall, Laura,

was her last name Wingfield, by any chance?

Her brother Tom introduced you two, maybe?

- Yup, that's the one. - What do you mean,

"Yup, that's the one"? I mean, did it happen or not, Phil?

- Yup, that's... - From a book, you idiot.

Right? The play, The Glass Menagerie. by Tennessee Williams.

Her brother Tom, did he introduce you two?

What's in the bag? Let me see the bag.

- No. - What do you mean no?

- Let me see the damn bag. - I don't want to.

- I don't care what you want. - It's my bag! It's my bag!

Stop it. Does it really matter what's in his bag?

- He ruins our entire night... - Stanley, he didn't ruin our evening.

This is ruining our evening.

(Phil cries softly)

Will you please take us back to my apartment?

- Now he's sleeping over? - No, he's not sleeping over.

But we can't leave him out here. He doesn't have a place to go.

I'm gonna find the guy a place to sleep.

This is perfect.

Good night.

Come on, Phil.

Nice try, champ.

I'll be right down, Phil. I'm just gonna make a couple of calls for you.

"Nice try, champ"?

(tires screeching)

Yeah, I'll hold.

Oh.

I didn't even hear you come in. You scared me.

I'm just on hold. I'm trying to find you a place for tonight.

It should just be a minute.

- Diana... - Hang on one second. Yeah?

- I like you. - I like you too, Phil.

No. No.

I mean... I like you.

Just relax.

Stanley!

Stanley, be careful!

Took you long enough. Hi. How are you? You're breathing on me.

Pick me up. Throw me into the doorjamb.

OK.

- Careful! - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Don't ever put your hands on a woman like that again!

- What are you, an idiot? - Sorry about that.

I'm gonna beat you like a rented mule, man.

Let him go!

Hold on, 'cause I'm not even done with you yet!

And stay out!

How sweet are you.

Not that sweet.

I called Michael when we were having drinks and asked him to put that there.

This was supposed to be the perfect evening

and not one thing's gone the way it was supposed to.

Look at you.

I don't like caviar.

OK...

I don't have great abs.

I mean, they're not bad. They're just not that good.

I haven't traveled much. I can't watch a lot of foreign movies

'cause I spend so much time with the words,

I can't tell what the people are doing on the screen.

I'm not a very good cook. I'm an all-right dancer.

I'm also pretty sure I'm going bald... fast.

And... well...

Phil...

He... He wasn't trying to hurt you.

He was just trying to get me to stand up for something.

And you...

you really move me.

I watch how you are with people,

and how you can change someone's day with your smile,

and how you seem oblivious to the admiration of the people around you.

And you're bright and beautiful and warm and charming and funny.

And your laugh... it makes me laugh.

And...

I just wanted to tell you these things, even if you go back to calling me Steve.

- I like foreign films. - I figured.

And... other than that, I don't have any problems with your list.

And you know what? I figured out our friend's little plan

after you threw him against my wall and broke my vase.

You'll be reimbursed for that.

No one can plan a perfect evening.

Even a wonderful guy who writes how to ask a girl out on an index card.

Come here. I have to tell you something else.

We did good, girl. We did good.

I had a wonderful time.

- Really? - Yeah.

- The eagle has landed. - We have contact!

(cheering)

Can I kiss you again?

Mm-hm.

Let me see. Let me see.

Oh, look at 'em. Look at 'em.

- Oh, God, look at 'em. - Look at you.

Look at me.

I always wanted to get my swerve on on my bike.

(Marilyn) Oh!

- This hasn't gone so bad. - Not at all.

- You're embarrassing yourself. - I'm trying to parlay, you jackass.

I thought the point of a parlay was you're supposed to win some money first.

Good luck.

Asshole.

- How you doing? - All right. Will that be all?

Can I get a bag?

- I'm driving. - Shotgun.

- For work. - What do you do?

What don't I do?

- What are you doing tonight? - Tonight?

I took the night off.

You have a good one.

(glass smashes)

(engine starts)

(# "Bust a Move" by Young MC)

Hey, eyes on the road, not the scratches.

- Don't tell me how.. - Eyes on the road, not...

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Man down, man down.