Original subtitles

[ALARM BUZZING]

[BIG MAMA CASS'S "DON'T LET THE GOOD LIFE PASS YOU BY"]

♪ La la la la la ♪

_

♪ Did you ever lie and listen to the rain fall ♪

♪ Did you ever own a homemade apple pie ♪

♪ Did you ever watch a child while he was praying ♪

_

♪ Just don't let the good life pass you by ♪

♪ Did you ever hold the hand of starving... ♪

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Hello. - Hello.

Hope we have the right house.

I'm looking for a Doug Forcett?

Well, I'm Doug Forcett.

How? Oh, yes. Yes, you are.

Sorry, um, I'm a reporter for the "Calgary Times Examiner."

My name is Michael Scoop.

This is my photographer, Janet... Scoop.

- She's my sister with the scoops. - Oh, boy.

Some people in town are saying you live

a pretty interesting life out here.

Growing your own food completely off the grid?

We would love to do a human interest story

about you for the paper.

What do you say?

Okay, well let me think.

Well, first off, I'm so flattered that you'd want to do

a whole news story just about me.

That's so nice.

A heartfelt thanks to the whole Scoop family.

Can I ask... is your newspaper printed on recycled paper?

Yes, no, very recycled. The most.

Well, all right then. Come on in.

Great, great.

Oh, hey, you know, before we forget.

Can Janet take a photo of you for the paper?

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Okay, can you look up a little and to the right?

Smile, but only with your mouth and not your eyes.

Perfect.

[PLEASANT MUSIC]

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --

_

It was 1972.

My friend Randy and I ate some magic mushrooms.

Randy asked me, "what do you think happens when you die?"

And I saw with perfect clarity how the afterlife works.

Immediately I knew I had to live a perfect life.

Well, not immediately.

The next day all I could do was watch kung-fu movies

and stroke a blanket that I thought was my cat.

But soon after, I designed a life that would maximize

my point total and help me get into the Good Place.

And I've been living it ever since.

I know, this sounds crazy.

No! No, actually it makes... it makes perfect sense.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, boy. You've been sitting here for ten minutes

and I haven't offered you anything to eat or drink.

Would you like some water or fresh radishes?

Water would be great.

Janet, how cool is he?

You know, for a celebrity, he's amazingly down to earth.

Stars. They really are just like us.

He's so thoughtful with his actions.

Thank goodness he had that hallucination.

He could have had the one Randy had

where everything was made of ears.

Way less helpful.

We have to learn everything we can

about what makes him tick

so we can use it to help others.

He is the blueprint, Janet.

He figured it all out.

Here we go... two waters.

Let me know if you're not happy with them.

I have ice cubes if it's too warm

and a koozie if it's too cold.

Oh.

Well, that has an interesting aftertaste.

- Is that from a nearby river? - Oh, no.

Why take fresh water away from the beavers and the fish?

No, I have my composting toilet

hooked up to a water filtration system.

One man's waste is another man's water.

And both men are me.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Hmm.

Yeah, I'm pretty excited to relax and have a drink.

I mean, saving souls feels great,

but Sydney to Budapest to Phoenix to Calgary...

I'm so jetlagged, I can't even regrender my chorf.

Don't even know what I was trying to say.

You need to get your blood flowing.

There's a pool table over there.

- Wanna play? - Yeah, sure. Why not.

Let's do it.

Tahani, can I ask your advice about something?

Is it about your grating speaking voice?

I'm so glad you finally brought it up.

Because, honestly, with a few elocution lessons...

No, I wanna ask you about Chidi.

What's wrong with my voice?

Nothing. It's lovely.

Tell me about Chidi.

So, it must get lonely up here all by yourself

without anyone to talk to.

Oh, I've got lots of friends.

There's this little guy, for example.

Yeah, it's a snail.

Hi, snail. I don't name them in case

they already have a name they prefer.

- Huh. - So, this is an organic garden?

Yeah. Everything I eat I grow myself.

The radish patch was actually here when I moved in.

I thought it'd be mean to dig it up.

Mean to the radishes?

I also grow lentils because they require very little water

and have the smallest carbon footprint.

Huh.

All he consumes are lentils and radishes.

No, Janet. He also consumes his own waste.

So, everything's fine.

How do you play pool again?

What are the rules?

That's one of the best things about pool, dawg.

There are no rules.

I am 100% sure there are.

Me and my friends play

a special Jacksonville style of pool.

It's called "Special Jacksonville-style pool."

You hit whatever ball you want

but you use your hands.

And: that's it.

Okay, your turn. I got a thousand points.

Oh, that's the other rule.

You make up your own points.

I got five million points.

Damn, how'd you get so good at this so fast?

So, in this whole other timeline, Chidi and I said

"I love you" to each other.

But he doesn't remember any of that happened,

so I guess my question is,

When is the right time

to tell someone you were passionate lovers

in an alternate timeline in the afterlife

but he doesn't remember because technically

none of that happened in this strand of the multi-verse?

- Ugh. - You know what?

I'll just check with Yahoo answers.

- I'm sure someone's weighed in. - Nope, nope.

I'm flattered you would seek my advice.

Though, I suppose, it makes sense.

I'm sure the one constant in all the reboots

is that you and I are best friends.

Uh-huh. Yep. Mm-hmm.

Look, I don't think you would want Chidi to know

what happened in the past unless you wanted it

to happen again in the present.

You can't know how Chidi will react.

It may be painful but it's never a bad idea

to tell someone how you feel.

Thanks, Tahani. You give really good advice.

And you made a really hot centaur.

Sorry?

So, these are some of my 71 adopted dogs and wolves.

You've rescued every stray animal

that's ever wandered onto your property?

Oh, yes, ma'am. I've been mauled several times.

Oh, this little guy here might look innocent, but boy,

he goes right for the squeaker if you know what I mean.

Oh, this is fun. You get to meet Raymond.

- Hi, Raymond. - Hi, dumdum.

Who are these two hosers?

Don't worry about Raymond. He's just a local sociopath

who comes by my house to take advantage of me.

Yeah, I got your laundry all folded and ready for you.

For whatever reason, this loser

does whatever you tell him to do.

Watch. Hey, give that guy your shoe.

- Would that make you happy? - Very happy.

Now give him your shoe.

Well, that's okay, Doug, don't... I don't need your shoe.

Please don't give me your shoe.

Well, then give me your shoe, or I'll be sad.

There you are.

[LAUGHING]

Well, as long as he's happy.

See, if I make him happy, I get the points.

That's how the system works, remember?

Go get your shoe, idiot.

[CHUCKLES] Be right back.

Ow. Oh, that's a bleeder.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Michael, face facts.

Doug is not the blueprint of how to live a good life.

He's become a happiness pump.

What?

Remember from Chidi's lessons?

I remember the term happiness pump.

That's just mostly because Eleanor and Jason

made a bunch of dirty jokes about it.

It's a criticism of utilitarianism.

A happiness pump is someone who is obsessed

with maximizing the overall good at his or her expense.

Doug will do literally anything

to make other people happy

even if it makes him miserable.

Oh, I don't think he's miserable.

So, everyone happy and contented in here?

What's...

Oh, I volunteered to test cosmetics for a local company

so they don't have to test on animals.

- It's fun! - Huh.

For the animals who don't have to do it.

For me, it's like wearing a mask of fire.

Uh, what can I do for you now?

Would you like to move in, permanently?

Or would either of you like any more water

- or one of my kidneys? - You know what?

We have absolutely everything we need.

Thank you. We're gonna head out now.

Okay, well, it was so nice to meet you, Janet,

and you, Mark. I mean Michael.

I called you Mark. Your name is Michael.

No, no, that's okay. Hey, hey.

Stay with me here, buddy.

No, no, no, no, this is very bad.

Forgetting someone's name...

that's definitely lost me some points.

Hey, you know, I've always secretly wished

my name was Mark.

Lie. That's a lie!

Now I'm accusing you of lying.

Now I'm yelling. Why am I yelling?

I need to make this up.

I'm going to give you a really nice haircut.

[SQUISHING]

- Was that... - A snail?

Yeah that was a...

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I think he's still alive.

Do either of you know anything about snail first aid?

- No. - Yes. I mean, "no."

All right, Michael, I need you to find some scotch tape

while I apply pressure.

Too much pressure.

I'm gonna need that tape!

Oh, What?!

Jacksonville style, baby.

Thirty million points.

Nice one, homie.

Hey, what are you guys doing?

Well, I either know exactly what I'm doing

and it's something, or we're doing nothing and I'm winning.

Congrats.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Okay, a few days ago,

Michael showed me something.

And I don't know exactly how to say this,

but you and I are...

Bambadjan.

You know, I never thought about it before

but yeah, we are kinda Bambadjan.

No, you jetlagged doof.

Bambadjan is the name of a demon from the Bad Place

who is somehow right over there.

Come with me right now.

Okay, okay.

Hey guys, having fun? Cool, cool, cool.

So, we need to get out of here immediately

because this bar is full of demons.

Eleanor, just because these people are wearing

cheap leather and stone washed denim,

they're still part of the Queen's realm.

Calling them demons is a bit much.

No, no, no, no, actual demons.

Like, from the Bad Place.

Okay, Chidi and I are going to go out the side door.

You and Tahani go out the back.

Or we do this the old fashioned way.

How did you make that so fast?

Bortle...

[MUFFLED CRY]

Hello, idiots.

Surprised to see me?

[SIGHS] Right.

You don't remember. I'm Sean.

You are very scared of me.

Now, where's Michael?

We are here to celebrate the life of

Martin Luther Gandhi Tyler Moore, the snail.

I named him/her that posthumously because I imagine

him/her to be the greatest and most talented snail

ever to have lived.

Michael, would you care to say a few words?

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, you're serious. Yes.

Um, okay.

Martin was a lot of things.

A snail, mostly.

But also a friend.

Martin taught us about life, about love,

and about the limits of scotch tape.

Goodbye, Martin.

Happy, slimy trails, old friend.

I'm sorry, I've got to leave right away.

I've decided to make a donation

to the Canadian Mollusk Association in Martin's honor.

Their office is in Edmonton, so it will take me

about three weeks to walk there and back.

Take care. Okay, look out little fellow.

Heads up.

- Here comes a shoe. - Say, Doug, look.

Do you mind if we ask you just a few more questions?

What you're doing here... how you're living your life...

just so wonderful.

But can I maybe give you just a little advice?

I know... I should donate more blood.

I'll try, but the last time I went down there

they said I was so anemic,

they ended up giving me blood.

No, look, look. Um...

I've been a reporter for a long time, Doug.

Met all sorts of people.

Traveled all over this crazy blue marble.

Meeting regular folks.

Every face tells a story, Doug.

Why, I'd say that those so-called regular folks

often turn out to be not so regular after all.

- Michael. - Sorry.

The point is, I have never met anyone so dedicated

to making other people and snails happy.

If what you're saying is true about the afterlife,

then you must have earned more than enough points by now.

So, loosen up, bud. Have a little fun.

Eat something besides lentils.

- Like radishes? - No, no, Doug. Dammit.

Just have ice cream or chicken parm.

Live your life. You know, travel.

Drink regular water that wasn't inside you.

Okay? Just relax.

Thank you, Michael.

But no.

I can't do any of those things.

Why not?

Because I can't risk it.

There's an accountant out there somewhere

measuring the value of everything I do.

What if I relax and do something that loses me

just enough points to keep me out of the Good Place

and I'm tortured for eternity?

No, I have to make every moment count.

It's the only rational way to live.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to walk to Edmonton

to give $85 to a snail charity.

Why don't you just take us to the Bad Place already, dude?

Because I want to see the look on Michael's face

when he realizes he failed.

I love seeing the look on people's faces.

It's the best part of my job.

Dude, Michael's not coming here.

Face it, man.

You are outmatched,

because Michael and Janet

are brilliant and savvy and they've been ten steps

ahead of you this whole time.

We can sit here as long as you want.

But you will never, ever, ever,

see Michael or Janet aga...

Yikes, that was rough. Total bust.

Ah, Doug is a complete disaster.

And I drank his piss.

Hello, Michael.

See? See the look on his face?

So great.

Hello, Sean. Other demons.

What are y'all doing down here?

What do you think we're doing, you hemorrhoid?

We're ending this charade once and for all.

These four humans are

the legal property of the Bad Place.

That's where we're taking them.

[MYSTICAL WHOOSHING]

And you.

If you want them, you're gonna have to go through me.

That's the idea.

Well, it's a bad idea.

Oh, Michael. When will you ever...

Screw this. Let's fight!

[BLOWS LANDING]

Get somewhere safe, you guys.

Bad news.

I've been going to the gym, a lot.

Oh, no.

What is happening?

Let him go!

Let him go!

[GRUNTING]

Let him go!

Twelve years of fencing. En garde.

Obviously, I'd never do that in a competition.

That would be a three-tenths deduction.

No, no, watch out. Watch out.

[PORTAL HUMMING]

I've never marbleized a Janet before.

[BALL CLACKS]

Jacksonville style, baby.

Two thousand points!

Thanks, Jason.

[GRUNTING]

Janet. Door.

[WHOOSHING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[GIGGLES]

Three hundred points... best score ever!

- [PORTAL HUMMING] - [SCREAMS]

Is it just me or is Janet a straight-up hottie right now?

How are you this close

to being dragged to Hell and still horny?

I don't know.

And how did you know they were demons?

I can't tell you that now!

Screw it. What am I waiting for?

We could die in the next 30 seconds.

So, Michael showed me a memory

of our time in the Good Place

and you and I were, like, a thing.

- And... - Gotcha!

Not like a casual, "Hey, I found two loose pills

"in the bottom of my tote,

let's pop 'em and see what's good," kinda thing.

We were in love,

and there's a real possibility

that I'm in love with you again.

Here. On this plane of existence.

Today. Now.

In Canada during this brawl with demons.

Let's get her to the door.

[PORTAL WHOOSHING]

No! No!

Oh, cool.

When I'm even partway through the door

to the afterlife, my powers come back.

They do?

[SCREAMS]

They do. Thanks for asking.

[SCREAMS]

You're coming with me.

Hi, there.

[SCREAMS]

[GASPS]

- We did it! - It was, um...

Well, no, yeah, no. Of course...

of course Janet did it.

Yes, but I had the, uh...

Thank you, Janet.

How did you get down here?

We have the only key to the door to Earth.

- We built our own door. - That's impossible.

[MOCKING] That's impossible.

Ugh, you're such a dweeb.

Why can't you leave us alone?

You don't have enough nostrils

to stuff with wasps?

I don't want just any wasp nostrils...

I want these wasp nostrils.

You're just delaying the inevitable, Michael.

The Bad Place is going to get all of them eventually.

These four, their loved ones,

even your precious pee-pee king, Doug Forcett.

Now, why would you think that?

Just a hunch.

And do you know what else I had a hunch about?

- No. - [MYSTICAL WHOOSHING]

[WHOOSHING]

I mean, why let the guy keep saying mean stuff, right?

I thought Doug Forcett was the blueprint

for leading a good life?

He seems pretty confident

that Doug is heading to the Bad Place.

For a while now,

I have felt like there was something wrong

with how the point system was evaluating humans.

At first I thought it was that the system didn't allow

for the possibility that people could improve.

That's why I convinced the Judge

to send you back to Earth

so you could confront the ways you were living.

But now I'm worried that the problems with the system

might be much more serious.

We need to gather some real evidence.

Uh, sorry, no, no Michael. You're confused.

Evidence isn't a good thing that you want.

It's a bad thing that you have to destroy

or you go to jail.

Jason, quick, I need that coaster

over there behind the pillar.

You got it, boss.

I just needed a 30 second break.

- Yeah. - What sort of evidence

is this and how do we get it?

Janet and I have to go right to the source

of the points themselves... the Accountant's office.

The four of you stay here

at Doug Forcett's house until I get back.

You're gonna need to feed all the dogs and the wolves,

and if a teenager shows up

on a dirt bike just do as he says.

He's very scary.

Michael, Michael, Michael.

[PANTING]

I forgot what you asked me to get.

That's okay, bud. Thanks anyway.

Look, we won't be long and

you guys should be safe here.

Actually, scratch that. We're all screwed

because a bunch more demons just showed up.

There's too many of them. What do we do?

I have an idea.

I think I can take you into my void.

Cool. That sounds fun. Let's go into a void.

Okay, let's go.

But, just to be clear... I don't know if you'll survive

in my void, but either way,

all of you will definitely die on Earth

when I do this, so look around and say goodbye.

Goodbye, Earth.

Wait, did you just say we're gonna di...