Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Okay, what the fuck is going on?

Who are you people?

Why are you covered in blood?

Why do you have my gun?

Why does my neck hurt, who tased me?

Kris, I fuckin' knew you killed that kid.

I knew you were crazy like that.

I need answers and I need 'em now!

Shut the fuck up, sit down and listen!

Oh, my God, did you see the look on Santa's face?

I do think we made Santa's naughty list.

That's because your guys' outfits are amazing.

I should send this Santa picture to Brian.

No, don't even think about it!

That ass clown hasn't called you in weeks!

We're so putting these up on our

fucking website for the world to see.

Okay, so I got the box, Dahlia you got the wreath.

What'd you get, Alexi?

I totally chickened out, but I bought green nail polish.

Boring!

Why are you the enemy of fun?

I should just take all of your Christmas presents

and return them and wrap you some coal instead.

You know better than to mess with me on Christmas.

Oh, wait a sec.

Um, is tomorrow the holiday you've been talking about

every fucking day since Thanksgiving?

Sure, tease me and then leave me.

It's bad enough that I have to go to work right now.

Work?

Somebody's gotta pay the rent,

unless your dad wants to cover me?

Well, what if I told you rent was covered?

And so's your shift.

What?

The only puppies you're gonna

have to worry about today are these.

You're coming with us on an adventure.

Alright?

Merry Christmas, bitch!

You're crazy, you know that?

Correction, we're fucking crazy!

Hello, devoted fans, Sadie here and Dahlia.

With our dear friend, Alexi.

Hello!

It's Christmas fucking Eve and we're

on our way to what might be the most exciting

urban exploring adventure in history.

So be sure to log on tomorrow for the full official video.

And you never know what dirty things will come your way.

Man.

There you go.

What is it you guys do exactly when you're out there?

You're telling me you've never seen a single

one of the Adventure Girls videocasts?

I did once, yeah.

Okay, then, which adventure was it?

Uh, it was um, it was the factory one.

Abandoned water park?

I know, I'm a terrible friend.

I haven't watched any of them.

What do you guys do?

Well, I know you go break into weird

places and you film yourselves.

But what is it that urban explorers actually do?

I mean, we just go to awesome places,

people don't dare go to.

And film ourselves running around.

And then there's the treasures.

Yeah, we collect one keepsake from each place we explore.

Oh, so it's kind of like, um, stealing?

It's not stealing if it doesn't belong to anyone.

These places have been closed forever.

I hope Santa Land has some amazing swag!

So, while you guys are doing all

that awesome stuff, what am I gonna do?

Have the best fucking Christmas ever!

Woo!

This is what I have to do, I have to fucking pee.

Well, it's 12:03, I guess it's

socially acceptable to start drinking.

Classy joint!

Hi, Merry Christmas!

Oh, fuck Christmas!

Isn't that right, Cherry?

You heard him, girls.

Fuck Christmas!

What?

Christmas is awesome!

What'll it be?

Merry Christmas, bitches!

Oh, shit.

Come on, all this shit you just

buy into with Christmas, it's just that.

It's bullshit!

This how you welcome out-of-towners, Cherry?

Can't be good for business.

You know what?

I think we better just go.

Oh no, you're staying here now, honey.

Looks like you just made a friend.

You joining 'em for drinks, Sean?

I'm on the clock.

Where's Jerry?

For Christ's sake, Jerry!

You've got to be kidding me!

Jerry, you know your parole officer said no costumes!

What is this?

So what'll it be, girls?

Um, I think I'll have an eggnog, please.

Oh, yeah!

You know what?

I think we're just gonna down these

and get the hell out of here, okay?

Man, I didn't touch any fucking kids!

I know, I know, okay.

They just want me to take you in for some questioning.

Now, are you gonna cooperate or are

you gonna give me a hard time?

Hey, he's been drunk in my bar for two days.

Only gets up to make a mess in the bathroom.

Some shit's been going down,

so we're asking the usual suspects.

Pedophiles and such.

I'm right fucking here, man!

Oh, I'm sorry, Jerry.

Sex offenders.

Don't chase him out, it's my one customer.

That tips!

I'm sorry to butt in,

but you said some shit was going down.

Anything interesting?

Uh, yeah, just some bear attacks

and some odd things around town.

Ooh, bears, production value?

Honestly, odd isn't the right word.

Look, I don't mean to cause an alarm or anything,

but some kids have been murdered.

Oh, my goodness!

Hey, are you a ranger or a cop?

Well, yeah, I'm no cop, but uh, I am packing.

Shouldn't you be chasing forest fires, not felons?

Dahlia, shut up.

Anyway, with everything going on around town

and it being Christmas and all,

the police station's a little understaffed

and I know this forest like the back of my hand.

Sorry, we didn't mean to waste your time

or ask you all those silly questions.

No bother, ladies.

I'd rather talk to you than hunt down bears,

but if you need anything when you're in town

or see anything suspicious, don't hesitate to call me.

Ooh, call me!

Shut up!

Okay, but seriously, kids murdered?

Maybe we should leave.

Oh no, no, no, no, I missed work for this.

We are going on my first Adventure Girls mission.

Cheers.

Hey, yes!

That one is on me!

Now, 20 bucks for the rest.

It's not as Christmassy as I expected.

Looks creepy, though.

Well, let's get started.

So you ready for your first big adventure?

As ready as I'll ever be, yes!

Wait, hold up, soldier!

What?

We're gonna do this, right?

Oh yeah, we're gonna do this, but you're not ready yet.

Shut up, of course, I am.

I'm gonna have fun, come on!

You're not ready yet, until...

You put on your Christmas uniform!

Oh, my God!

This is kind of hot looking, but yeah, okay, okay.

Yeah, it's better than being an elf.

I think it's cute.

Yellow?

White and purple?

I like the blue one best.

I think you're right, blue.

Sadie, our little snowflake is gonna have a meltdown

when she sees what's inside Santa Land.

And, what do you think of my hot elfness?

Tomorrow when you go online to see

the full length video don't forget

to check out our pics and like them if you do.

And, I hope you do.

Later!

Did I get it right this time?

Yeah, you're a natural.

Maybe I should call Brian and let him know where we are.

No!

It's Christmas Eve, what if he

tries to get in touch with me?

He hasn't called you in forever.

Why would you call him now?

He doesn't deserve you!

But...

Ho, ho, ho, let's go!

Awesome!

Merry fucking Christmas!

Wow.

You know, I thought this place would be

a lot more old and decrepit looking for

the amount of years it's been abandoned.

Don't get me wrong, I still wanna check it out.

Don't run, you can't outrun it.

If it's too late to back away, grab a weapon,

any weapon, to protect yourself.

If without weapons or pepper spray, curl up and play dead.

Just reading off things to do in case of a bear attack.

Is that your idea of fun,

trying to scare the crap out of us?

I am just being the voice of reason.

Meet my taser, my voice of reason.

On that note, I think we're ready.

Whoo!

Welcome to Santa Land!

Cool, the most magical Christmas Eve land of all.

And the Adventure Girls are gonna explore it!

Dahlia, go Dahlia!

You're not gonna make it on heels.

Oh wait, watch out, watch out.

What do I know about Santa Land?

Yeah, tell me something about it.

Well, it's been closed for 20 years.

I heard kids died here.

The only people that come here now

are crack heads and meth heads.

Oh, my God, what's this?

Oh, awesome!

I wanna eat this mushroom and then get twice as big.

Don't let me fall.

Let's go find something else.

Oh, my God, you guys!

Would you like some tea?

Someone's gotta tell her to stop humping things.

It's not sexy.

Oh no, I'm a naughty girl!

Don't try this at home.

Hello?

Any bears in here?

Werewolves?

Unicorns?

Al Qaeda?

No, but other things live in

the forest like birds and squirrels.

And bears, child-eating bears.

Okay.

Welcome to candy cane land!

Don't you feel like we're being watched?

Are we?

Yeah, I kind of do feel like I'm being watched.

Is that your new ringtone, sicko?

- Yes. - Oh, my God!

We'll see who's laughing when you're

hog-tied and squealing for my help.

Ooh, you've gotta problem now!

Stop it, you're gonna fuck up my makeup, geez!

At this point I don't think it makes any difference.

I found Jerry.

He was getting wasted at Cherry's just like Sean said.

Neil, what the hell are you doing?

There is no way in hell that this guy could have done it!

Now, cut him loose!

Come on, Jerry.

Sorry about this.

Merry Christmas.

Get out of here.

Fuck you, Jerry.

See you at poker.

What is it?

I was just thinking about the Bernards.

I mean, seeing her lying there like that,

in all that blood with her heart ripped out.

It was...

Disgusting.

It was gross.

What kind of monster could do something like that?

Officer Green seems to think it was a bear.

A bear with a lot of anger.

A lot of hurt feelings.

You know, Neil, I'm a little worried about you.

You hang in there, kid.

Alright, good luck.

Be back in a couple hours.

Ugh, looks like someone got slaughtered here.

I am dreaming!

It's perfect!

What, I can't see anything.

Our treasures, they're inside.

Jackpot!

Oh, I want this one!

Look!

Here's your first treasure, Lexi.

Um, that's okay?

You're saving it from a bulldozer

in a few months, of course, it's okay.

Hey Adventure Girl people, fans!

Hey guys, look, we got our shit.

We gotta get the fuck out of here before our luck runs out.

Wait, hey guys, we didn't go there yet.

Okay, point taken and rejected.

Oh, look!

Whoa.

Ha, I dare you to eat this.

Oh no, that's gross.

Come on, the audience awaits.

I dare you!

I don't think so, it's nasty.

Nom, nom, nom.

Uh-uh.

What happened here?

Ugh, a fucked up ice orgy?

Oh, that's a good name for our band.

Oh!

What is it?

Krampus!

What the fuck is it?

Get the hell outta here now!

Fuck!

In the cottage, now!

What the hell do we do now?

Good idea, call 911!

It's me.

What, what does she mean it's me?

Who the hell are you calling?

Brian, we're in danger!

Brian?

- Gimme that! - No!

Hello?

He hung up.

It's been like this all day.

Get out of...

911, what's your emergency?

Hi, yeah, I think we're being attacked!

Oh God, another one.

Okay, stay calm.

Where are you located?

Santa Land.

Santa Land, off the 56, but that was shut down years ago.

Yes, yes, that one.

Alright, and who's attacking you?

I don't know, some big, hairy thing!

A bear or something!

And a man, I think he's the owner.

Let me get this straight.

You're in Santa Land, so you are trespassing.

No, no, we're just...

I smell gingerbread!

Hurry!

Is this some kind of practical joke?

No, no, we're...

Is anybody actually injured or in danger?

No, we're fine!

But that is only because we're barricaded in his cottage!

A bear sent you into his cottage?

Listen, who do you think you are?

You're trying to pull some kind of shit on me

and you should be ashamed of yourself, okay,

because tonight it's Jesus' birthday, so goodbye!

Asshole!

Hung up on me!

Oh, we're fucking fucked.

We're fucking fucked.

Sadie, help us!

Now, let's try to arm ourselves, okay?

Yeah.

Okay.

Hi, please don't hang up!

Okay, we're trapped inside Santa Land.

Our van got towed and we have no way of getting out of here!

This is 911, not a car service.

Why do they keep doing that?

Stop it, now!

Come on, would you stop it now?

Stop it.

Ow!

What are you gonna do you fat fuck, huh?

I'm not fat, you're fat.

Now, that's enough!

Sit.

That should keep him out for now.

What the hell was that?

You know, I'm very disappointed in you girls.

All of you have bee very naughty.

You've been trespassing on my property

and you're fucking my shit up!

That's our motto!

We weren't trespassing on your property,

we were just exploring.

Oh, enough of this bullshit, I don't care.

You guys gotta get out of here.

Go in to town, take my bike, and get your van.

Fuck that!

There's some Bigfoot out there

and we're not calling the police?

Yeah, forget it, I'm calling Sean.

This is not for the police.

Hillbillies are crazy!

I'm not a hillbilly, you're a hillbilly.

I don't know who's crazier,

this magician, or that wildebeest.

But, I am reporting your ass to the ASPCA, just so you know.

Okay, hold on, just hold on for a second.

I need to explain.

I don't know how to say this.

I never thought I'd have to say this.

Spit it out, already!

Would you listen!

This is my property

and I'm Santa.

Hence, Santa Land.

I'm the real fucking deal, Santa.

And that thing out there, that is no animal.

That's Krampus.

Krampus?

Krampus.

Krampus!

Oh, goddamn it, I'm Santa and that's Krampus!

The devil of Christmas!

Krampus!

And I'm the fucking tooth fairy.

Oh yeah, that's really adorable.

Oh, if you only knew.

Want a cookie?

Come on!

911, what's your emergency?

Where?

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Come on.

You've gotta speak slower I can't...

- Where did you find the body? - Sit down, sit down!

Another damn body, Bruce!

Missing kids, prank calls!

I just can't take this anymore.

Yes, honey, I'm here, I'm still here.

- We'll send you somebody... - Son of a bitch!

Right away, just give us the address.

Oh, he's a beast, alright.

If you only knew.

He's also part man and part devil.

Krampus is a killer!

He's also my fucking partner.

Can Santa say fuck?

No, that is what redneck freaks say before

they hang you on meat hooks as decoration.

Okay, Santa Claus, we're gonna leave you

and your killer Wookie here alone

and we're gonna get the hell out of here.

Alexi, did you not see that little spectacle over there?

Did you not see my magic cane?

Santa doesn't walk around with a cane.

The cane comes with me, not that your folklore

ever covers that because no one's ever seen me in action.

Did you just call me Alexi?

Yes, you are Alexi and you are Dahlia and you are Sadie.

He's some stalker fan, I knew it.

Wait, have you been creeping on us this whole time?

Ever since you were born.

Gross!

Oh, come on stop it, you're wasting my time!

I've been in all your houses at Christmas!

What is it gonna take, huh, for you to believe me?

Do I have to take flight, presents magically appear?

What do you want, what do you want?

What do you want?

Well, if you're really Santa you'd know what I want.

Fine!

Oh, my God, yay!

So.

Santa, how do you fit down the chimney?

Magic, of course.

Krampus also uses the chimney,

that's why I blocked mine just in case.

Ha, ha, I know what you're thinking.

What about the houses without chimneys?

I've got other ways of getting in.

I'm telling you not everyone is

so pleased to see me pay a visit.

Here, look at this.

Yeah.

Nice!

How do you get to everybody

in the world in just one night?

More magic.

You see, he only gets the bad ones.

And I'm talking, the really bad children.

How do you make those reindeer fly?

Magic!

Wait a second!

Where are your reindeer?

And where's Mrs. Claus and where are your elves?

Why don't you tell me how you walk in those heels?

Magic.

Right.

See now that's all you really need to know about that.

Yeah, yeah, we get it.

He's bad news, ooh!

My personal story is just not as

charming as the one that you know of.

There's no such thing as a naughty or nice list.

I bring you presents, but Krampy shreds your ass.

In the '40s your culture banned Krampus.

God forbid they should scare a

little morality into the children.

Krampus was out of the picture in society's eyes.

And you know, quite honestly, they didn't need me anymore.

Toys were made in factories.

Presents bought, Santa's sit on their fat asses in malls.

A tough decision, but I wasn't needed anymore.

So I started this place so that I could see

the joy in the children's eyes once again.

I had very high hopes for it, but...

I've been fighting a losing battle

to hold on to this land mainly because

I've got Krampus frozen out there.

Had, had Krampus frozen out there.

Now, you can take Santa out of Christmas,

but you can't take the Christmas out of Santa.

And how?

Well, I got him without his magic switch

and I put him on ice and I left

the North Pole and I never looked behind.

He's my responsibility.

More like my curse.

I don't know how he got his switch

or how he got out of that ice,

but one thing's for sure; Krampus is out of retirement.

911, what's your emergency?

Okay, calm down.

Are they breathing?

Mutilated?

The kids, too?

Bruce, they found more kids, dead.

I mean really, really, really dead.

Damn it!

The team's tied up on Lake Drive.

Dispatch Officer Green and Sean.

Come on, everybody.

Come on, think.

Come on, think, think!

We need to come up with a plan here.

Yeah, I've got one!

How about we go to the police and tell

them about your fucking boyfriend?

No, you can't do that!

What are you gonna do, tell them I'm Santa Claus?

No, no, plus they'll kill Krampus on sight.

I can't have that, he cannot be killed.

What?

I can't have that.

Krampus cannot be killed!

We're connected...

It's just, it would just be very bad, very bad.

Yeah, well, I think human lives are a little bit

more important than blowing your cover.

You'll just have to trust me, there's more at stake here.

After being trapped all of these years

I can just imagine how hungry he is.

Well, what does he eat?

Uh, that's not what I mean.

Krampus kills children.

He puts them in that basket and then he takes them to hell.

Wait, wait, wait, I saw that basket.

I saw it when we were in the freezer.

He was taking these slimy hairballs from the basket

and putting them into the Christmas boxes.

No, you're wrong, he takes them to hell.

No, I know what we saw.

We were spying on him until he noticed us

and I swear he was taking those little hairballs,

those disgusting little hairballs and putting them in boxes.

All those kids the ranger was talking about.

No, no, no, those hairballs,

as you call them, they go to hell!

Not here!

Why, why is he taking all these

children now, before Christmas?

They can't all be naughty.

What is he up to?

Speaking of naughty, I think I have a plan.

Where's my milk and cookies?

Oh, come on, Mom!

That's the best part.

Oh, I know sweetie, but it's late

and that stuff always gives you nightmares.

Bed wetter.

Hey, I'm not a bed wetter!

I'm not a bed wetter.

Just that one time.

You're such a baby.

Can you please stop picking on your brother?

Quit picking on your brother.

I'm so over this place!

Alright then, just go to bed.

Gladly.

Sleep tight.

Don't let the homeless little hillbillies bite.

Don't worry, mom.

I can protect you from those homeless little hillbillies.

Goodnight.

Goodnight, sweetie.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Here.

Here.

Once we get him now, we've gotta trap him till

after midnight and then we're home free.

Well, until I freeze him up again.

Why midnight?

Well, it's Christmas.

Yeah, and if he takes off without me

the whole world is going to hell.

Even more than killing children

he loves women, especially the naughty ones.

He'll sniff you three out in no time.

Let's get naughty!

Goddamn it!

Krampus!

Goddamn!

Piss!

Shit!

Motherfuckin' phooey!

Goddamn, piss, shit, motherfuckin' phooey!

Goddamn, piss, shit, motherfuckin' phooey!

Goddamn, piss, shit, motherfuckin' phooey!

Goddamn, piss, shit, motherfuckin' phooey!

Goddamn, piss, shit, motherfuckin' phooey!

Get the fuck off me!

I've never been so happy to see your fucking face!

Jesus, Sean.

What's going on, buddy?

It's bad, Sean.

It got both of them.

Both of Harrison's girls?

Yeah, both.

Never seen anything like it in all my life.

We're gonna have to call in the big guns, that's all.

I can't write this report.

Oh, the hell you can't!

I don't get it.

Why do we need the FBI on a bear attack?

Look, man, the entire yard is enclosed, it's gated in.

We couldn't find a single break in the gate anywhere.

Not one.

What are you saying?

Their little hearts were ripped out.

Sean, this ain't no bear.

This fucking guy is not gonna ruin my favorite holiday.

How did Santa get here?

I don't know, he was right behind us.

Santa?

Some lookout he is!

Shit, is he dead?

No, he's breathing.

Old man's not dead, just useless.

Alright, yeah.

Oh, shit.

Yummy, yummy!

We've gotta tie him up.

Can you get this over there?

He's seriously down for the count, guys.

Picture time?

Yeah!

Hello!

- Hi. - Hello.

One at a time.

Krampus, ho, ho, ho.

Not so tough now, are you?

He looks like some sort of fucked up reindeer, doesn't he?

Look at this little puppy.

I'm the Krampus, oh.

Count of three.

One, two, three, Krampus!

It's me.

Listen, listen to me.

This is the Sheriff.

Look, I want you to get out to Santa Land and I mean now.

You got that?

Go, get on it.

Ha, ha, we got you!

Let's clean you up and then maybe

we'll get home in time for Christmas.

Okay, let's go.

Okay.

Dahlia, you on board?

Yeah, he'll be fine.

No!

Krampus!

Krampus, that's enough!

Wow!

Go!

Go!

Hi-ya!

I think I wet myself.

Sadie!

Sadie!

Does Krampus talk?

Never.

Sadie!

Sadie!

- Sadie, oh, my God! - Brian!

You came for me!

Of course I did, I was worried about you.

You were?

Of course, I was.

What the hell is going on here?

What weird shit has Dahlia gotten you into this time?

It's a long story.

In a nutshell, we're trying to help the real-life Santa.

'Sup?

Fight the evil Krampus.

Great, my girlfriend's on drugs.

I'm your girlfriend?

What the shit?

Sean!

Sean?

Answer, goddamn it!

Krampus!

No!

No!

Brian, no!

What the fuck is going on?

We've gotta get out of here!

He killed Brian!

Are you okay?

He killed my Brian!

Who?

He killed Brian!

Who?

He killed him!

Krampus!

Oh, shit.

Put the weapon down now!

Hey, you, put that down!

Come on, over there, you know the drill.

Go on, go on.

Officer Green just called in and said Sean

is not responding to his radio.

Have you heard from him?

As a matter of fact, I have.

They had a report of a strange truck at old man Kris's.

He went up there to investigate.

You mean, Santa Land?

Yeah.

Shit, I need a cigarette!

What?

Oh, look at you.

What are you doing?

Alright.

Whose gonna answer the phone?

You are.

Police department, hello?

Hello?

I don't know how to work it!

Get off the cookies!

Okay, what the fuck is going on?

Who are you people?

Why are you covered in blood?

Why do you have my gun?

Why does my neck hurt, who tased me?

Kris, I fucking knew you killed that kid!

I knew you were crazy like that!

I need answers and I need 'em now!

Shut the fuck up, sit down and listen!

You have to help us.

We need your help.

He killed Brian, he's gonna kill everyone.

That's the thing.

It all seems really crazy, but he didn't do it.

He didn't kill Brian.

The real killer's out there!

He's Santa.

You picked a hell of a day to do this.

Look, he's Santa Claus!

Why are all the hot ones crazy?

Look, this is old man Kris.

Everyone knows Kris.

He used to run Santa Land back in the day,

but now he's just an old hermit.

Excuse me?

And he's going to jail for a very long time

just like you and you and you.

The hell we are!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

One at a time, one at a time!

You!

So there's this creature, right?

He's like this big, hairy animal with these horns, you know?

Um...

Krampus!

Yeah.

Look, I've seen enough mangled kids

in the past week to last a lifetime.

Given the day I've had, I'm not sure if

I trust my gut or what you're telling me.

The thing is that he's not the killer.

He didn't do it, he's Santa.

Yeah, he's Kris.

Kris Kringle, you know, like, Santa Claus?

Ho, ho, ho!

Santa Claus.

Anyway, the thing is we have to save

the world from that monster out there!

The world?

Yes!

Sean, do you trust me?

No!

Santa?

Hmm?

Show him your thing.

Holy shit.

Wow.

Gimme the fucking gun, give it here.

What's it called?

Krampus!

This is unbelievable.

Let's say I do believe you.

When I was a kid and you opened this place

I really thought you were Santa.

It was the only thing this boring town had going for it.

Christmas all year round.

I thought I was the luckiest kid in the world.

Well, goody fucking gum drops.

I'm glad you had your fun.

- Here, have a cookie. - Thank you.

But we don't have much time.

You see, we gotta trap him before midnight!

Yeah, no one knows this forest

like I do, not even you, Kris.

Let's get this Krampus and take back Christmas!

Okay, Dahlia, you're gonna be our eyes

on the south end in car two of the bumblebee coaster.

Got it!

Sadie, you have your compact?

Great, you're gonna flash it if you see anything.

You're gonna be in the bumblebee hive.

I'm gonna be perched right here on top of the north tower.

Sean, you'll be with me in the tower.

Your wish is my command.

- Santa? - Hmm?

You're gonna be at the house of mirrors

and you are gonna have your cane at the ready.

I'm there.

- Yeah! - Ha!

Santa Claus is coming to town, bitches!

Okay.

Oh, no, it was blurry.

Shit!

I don't think it's working.

What do we do now?

Good question.

It's okay.

- Okay. - It's just a noise.

- Okay. - Come on!

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Hi-ya!

This way, Sadie!

Nice!

Motherfucker!

Come on!

Fucking asshole!

Stop!

Cherry?

What the hell is she doing here?

Get those girls to safety.

I'll take care of these guys.

Who the fuck called the fucking bartender?

I got this.

I am the wifey, after all.

Ain't that right, honey?

Baby, I missed you so much.

How is she gonna capture Krampus?

Well, she's his crazy ex, right?

That must make her Mrs. Claus!

Come on!

Of all nights, you chose tonight

to call in some bitches for fun?

No, no, no, no...

- Big surprise! - It's not what it looks like.

You whimpering fool!

You failed me again!

I always stuck by you even when your business failed

and we had to eat the reindeer.

Did I ever complain?

Never.

Don't you know what I've been up to?

Margaret, he's just drunk.

He's gonna be fine tomorrow, don't...

Look, Margaret, I gotta, hang on a second I got...

Goddamn it!

No, not you, Margaret.

Hold on.

Green, this is the sheriff.

Look, we haven't heard from Sean in a while.

He went out to Santa Land.

I need you guys to get out there, I'm a little bit worried.

Find out what the heck is going on.

Jesus Christ, Sean!

Get out there right now.

Okay.

Good, thank you.

Jesus.

Margaret, hello?

Come on!

What is this place?

Krampus!

Cherry, what have you done?

I was nobody to you and nobody to the entire world.

You saw the way they portrayed me.

Always at your side with a plate of cookies to serve you.

Uh-uh-uh.

I was portrayed as fat, ugly and old.

When we both know that I am fucking hot!

I am cleansing the world of all

the little shits, naughty or nice!

And guess what?

You can't do this!

They'll all think it was you!

What's that noise?

It's, uh, rats.

It's probably just rats.

Big fucking rats or something.

Oh, my God, gross.

After everything we went through rats are gross?

Hairy balls!

Why are you doing this?

To rewrite history my way with a little help

from my hairy boyfriend.

Oh, baby!

You were too busy spreading love to the world.

Krampus, go get our sleigh.

We have work to do tonight.

Killer hairy balls!

Sounds like it's feeding time.

Krampus!

We have to stop them.

Hurry!

She has my cane.

Mazel tov!

Get her off my sleigh, she's not magical!

Go, go, go!

Go, go, go!

Go, go, go!

Yes!

I'm so sorry.

But you're all connected.

Sean, this way, come on!

Sean!

Sean!

Sean, are you alright?

What happened?

You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Merry Christmas, bitches!

Subtitles by explosiveskull