All language subtitles for SOU

"Cloud 9 Management Summit 2018."

Yeah, managers, district managers,

assistant managers, regional managers...

- A lot of managers.
- A ton of managers, big fella.

Anyway, Dina I can't go this year,

'cause, you know,
her goldfinch is in hospice,

poor thing. And my in-laws are in town,

which is... unpleasant.

But anyway, two tickets up for grabs.

Oh, that's so kind of you to offer,

but I think I'm gonna pass.

Yeah, and I-I would go,
but it sounds terrible.

Oh, okay.

Well, I'm sure you don't wanna leave

your baby overnight anyway, right?

It's overnight?

Oh, yeah, it's in Chicago.

The put you up in a hotel, which I hate,

'cause they're always
washing the sheets.

You never get a chance to have
that nice, lived-in feel.

Yeah, we're gonna take these tickets.

- Thank you.
- Oh, great.

And it works out perfect
because, you know,

you two are a hot item now,

and they only give you
one hotel room per store.

So, you and Dina would have
had to share a room?

Yeah, yeah.

We managed to make it work last year.

I just read a book in the bathtub

while she made love to the bellhop.

Synced and corrected by hawken45
for www.addic7ed.com

I can't wait to get in to our room

and take a long, hot bath.

Yeah, mm-hmm. Maybe I'll join you.

Ooh, maybe.

Although, I really would
rather just take it by myself,

if that's okay...

Oh, yeah... no.

I already took a shower
this morning anyway.

I don't see Amy Sosa
or Jonah Simms on the list.

Oh, check under Glenn Sturgis.

He gave us his tickets.

I'm sorry, the tickets
are non-transferable.

Uh, where does it say that?

Right here on the ticket.

Oh, look at that.

Not even in fine print, just right there

in big, bold letters.

Guys? Hey, guys.

Corporate is asking us to run
everybody through E-Verify,

and there's a bit of a problem.

- What?
- What's E-Verify?

It's a registry for sex offenders.

No, it's for undocumented immigrants.

Why not sex offenders?

Because it's not illegal
to hire a sex offender,

but it is illegal to hire
an undocumented immigrant.

Well, I've heard that
E-Verify is full of bugs.

Just lots and lots of bugs.

They're not bugs, Cheyenne.
They're human beings.

But we do need to talk.

Me? Or Sayid?

You probably meant Sayid.

Sayid, Glenn wants to talk to you.

Yeah, I meant Sayid.

Good.

That's what I said. Yeah.

We're all saying the same thing.

Sayid, I think you're getting deported.

But I'm not undocumented.

Of course you're not.

He's a refugee.
You have to enter his info

on a different page.

A refugee? Oh, I had no idea.

So, what crime did you commit?

I committed no crime.

Then why are you on the run?

I'm a refugee, not a fugitive.

I was fleeing the civil war in Syria.

Whoa, what was Syria like?

Not good. Seriously, not good.

Yeah, there's all sorts of,
like, rampant destruction

and beheadings and locusts, right?

Yes, though the locusts
had nothing to do with the war.

They're a seasonal nuisance.

Hey, what are your thoughts
on the movie, "Syriana"?

I thought George Clooney
was pretty okay,

and Matt Damon was just okay.

Did you own slaves?

Cheyenne, why would you ask that?

He said he was part of a civil war.

Our Civil War was about slavery.

Actually, the Civil War
was not about slavery.

- That's a misconception.
- No, not a misconception.

- Good people can disagree.
- Wrong.

You are not a good
person if you disagree.

The point is, Sayid, you're home now.

And on behalf of everyone
in America, we welcome you.

Come on, clap harder.
He's been through stuff.

Well, at least you got away
from the baby for a few hours.

I mean, nothing against
your baby... he's great.

Yeah, no, he's the best.

Uh-oh, who let these dogs out?

- Hey, Jeff.
- Jeff.

Hi, guys.

Are you here for the conference?

That's awesome.

Well, we were supposed to be,

but apparently it's just for managers.

Um... let me take care of that for ya.

Hey, Denise, these are friends of mine,

so I can vouch for them.

I don't know who you are.

What?

We've met, like, a million times.

Okay, I'm just gonna say
what everyone's thinking.

How do we know he's not, you know, ISIS?

What's ISIS?

Are you... you haven't heard of ISIS?

Are you even on Instagram?

Relax, they vet these guys for years.

I mean, truthfully,
out of everyone in this store,

Sayid is the one person
I'm sure isn't a terrorist.

You think I could be a terrorist?

Yeah, I definitely think
you could be a terrorist.

- Definitely.
- Oh, yeah.

I would not rent you a U-Haul, ever.

Where's Sayid?

I told him to shovel out front.

What?

Hasn't he been through enough?

I mean, the last thing he needs
is to be thrown out in the cold

like... like he's some nothing.

Mateo, go take over for Sayid.

Me? Wha...

You know what? I can't.

- I am on holiday wrapping duty.
- No problem.

Garrett, could you take over
for Mateo, please?

Or we can just cut out the middle man

and have Garrett shovel the snow.

What? How am I supposed to do that?

I mean, we have snow tires.

Okay, I want everybody to remember this

the next time somebody says

- "Garrett can do anything."
- Wow.

Okay, here are your lanyards
and your room keys.

Sometimes you just gotta
grease the right palms.

Really? 'Cause it sort of
looked like you just waited

till her back was turned
and stole these off the table.

Eagle eyes over here.

Okay.

And what happens when
the real "Colt McCann"

and "Chien Mon Koh" try to get in?

Who cares? You guys want 'em or not?

- Okay.
- I mean, thank you?

Yes, yes, yes!

We're gonna have a great time together.

- Come on, come on, come on...
- No, no, no.

I think we're just gonna
meet you in there later on.

Yeah, we were just gonna check in,

settle into the room.
It was a really long drive.

No, no, no, no.

There's plenty of time for that later.

Time to get our party on.

Whoop-whoop. Let's do it.

Wait...

And go. Go, go, go, go.

It's so unfair.

I'm stuck outside shoveling snow

while Sayid gets treated like he's

part of Janet Jackson's
entourage, or something.

I know, he's safe and sound now.

If anyone deserves
special treatment, it's you.

Right? Thank you.

I mean, you could be deported
literally at any moment,

just taken back to the Philippines

on some sex trafficker's yacht.

What?

I'm undocumented,
not Liam Neeson's daughter.

Hey, Sayid.

Whatcha doing?

I left my lunch in the car.

Cool.

Well, looks yummy for your tummy.

Apple a day. Ha ha.

Do you think he heard us?

You literally called yourself
"undocumented."

- Yeah, I know.
- 'Cause if he did,

then he might tell Dina
or Glenn or corporate...

Yeah, there's a lot of
people he could tell.

Welcome to the big time, huh?

You like shrimp cocktail?

Well, prepare to be happy,

because there's shrimp cocktail.

Wow, this is not at all what I expected.

Well, you know,
they call it a conference,

but it's really just a ball's-out party.

I mean, one of us is gonna end up puking

before the night is over.

- Probably me.
- Hmm.

Well, thanks so much
for showing us around, Jeff.

I'm sure you gotta go mingle.

Yes, good idea, I don't want
anybody to feel excluded.

I'm gonna take a quick lap,
say a few hellos,

and I'll see you guys
by the ice sculpture.

Oh, no... you... we don't
really have to...

Kristy, what up?

Don't look at me like that.
I did all the heavy lifting.

You can finish it up at home.
Happy holidays.

Next.

That is your idea of gift wrapping?

I don't believe in gift wrapping.

If I go through the trouble
of getting you a gift,

that should be enough.

Now you want me to waste
time, waste paper,

just so you can rip it shreds
and be just as surprised

as if I just handed you
the gift unwrapped?

I don't think so.

You don't know how to wrap a gift.

I do not.

So, Syria, huh?

That sounds rough. You see any action?

Action?

Yeah, like drone strikes,

IUDS, big, loud explosions?

That must have killed your hearing.

My hearing's good.

Hmm.

Can you hear this?

Yes.

How about this?

- Yes.
- Oh, cool.

Well, I'm glad everything's intact.

I just wanted to lie in bed,
order room service,

and watch pay-per-view.

We still will. We'll sneak out of here

as soon as Jeff
moves away from the doors.

He's been standing there
for like, 20 minutes.

He's just parked there waiting
for someone to talk to him.

It's so sad.

You'd think someone
would let the poor guy

in on a conversation.

Yeah, well, everyone here's
a d-bag anyway, so...

- Not everyone.
- Everyone here is a d-bag.

This is a room full of d-bags.

- Come on.
- He's a d-bag.

He's a d-bag. She's a triple d-bag.

These are the kind of people
who come here every year,

they eat 1/2 million dollars'
worth of shrimp cocktail,

and then they tell us that they
can't afford maternity leave.

These are just ordinary, boring people.

- D-bags.
- Watch... watch.

- What are you...
- Howdy.

I'm Colt McCann.

Down here abouts from, uh...

Burlington, Vermont. That's weird.

- Ted Morrison.
- Hey, Ted.

- Kent Ostrofsky.
- Hey, Kent.

Chien Mon Koh. Family name.

- Ah!
- So, Chien and I

were just talking about
a $15 minimum wage.

How y'all feel about that?

Ask me, the floor workers

are barely worth 15 bucks a week.

Don't even get me started.

"Pay us more. Give us more hours.

"I'm on food stamps." It's endless.

Yeah, tho... those guys, huh?

- Ugh. Yeah.
- They really should let us

kill one of those entitled
brats each year.

You know, just to keep us sane.

That's exactly what they should do.

- That's a good idea.
- Ugh, I hate them so much.

These are funny jokes.

We need to fortify these
two weak spots with tape.

The whole thing is tape at this point.

Just do it, it's not like
society's in a tape shortage.

Oh, this is a good, long piece, yeah.

Oh, no you've taped my hand to the gift.

Hmm?

So... Syria, huh?

Why does everyone here
start conversations like that?

Ha.

You know, I'm actually
an immigrant, too.

Not a refugee, like you. Knock on wood.

Just a regular, undocumented immigrant.

Or is it "documented"?

I'm always mixing those up.

I think it's like inflammable-flammable,

where they mean the same thing?

No, they're opposites.

Anyway, I'm definitely the legal kind.

Came here legally,
took the citizenship test,

got sworn in by the president.

The president swore you in?

Uh-huh, yeah.

Yeah.

They, um, they do it personally.

At least they used to.

Which president?

God, it's been so long,
I don't even remember.

One of the white ones?

I wanna say... Henderson.

Yes.

He's pretending to see people
he knows across the room,

but there's no one there.

Hey, buddy. There he is.

- I didn't know you were here.
- Now's our chance.

- Go, go, go, go, go, go.
- Okay, okay, okay!

Would you like an iPad?

You mean, to buy?

No, they're free.

You're just... you're just
offering to give me an iPad?

Well, not just you. All the managers.

Well, I am a manager.

I am Chien Mon Koh.

That's fine, take one.

Okay, then, I will take this iPad.

Go right ahead.

I'm gonna go now.

Okay.

Oh, my God, I can't believe

they're just giving out iPads.

Yeah, you played that
very cool, by the way.

Wait a second. Is
everybody in a green polo

- just giving away free stuff?
- I guess.

You know what they're also
giving out for free?

Nice hotel rooms with
bathrobes and room service.

Yes, yes. We should go.

- Great.
- I'm just gonna go get

one of those fancy wine
openers real quick.

Amy... Chien!

Oh, yes. This is perfect for Aspen.

I go once a year.

It's just gotten really
overrun by tourists recently.

What's going on here?

Just trying on these
$300 coats they're giving away.

- Ah.
- He'll take one too.

That's okay, I don't need
a woman's coat.

Well, you can take one
for your 15-year-old daughter, Emma.

I'll take one coat, please.

By the way, speaking of free things,

it's an open bar.

Oh. Thank you.

- Uno.
- Dos.

- Tres.
- Cuatro.

L'chaim.

- Oh.
- Ugh.

Why are we doing this?

Two more, please.

Howdy, partner.

Switch.

Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, thank you. Nice.

Mmm. Wow, that is what I would imagine

a cloud would taste like.

What does that even mean?

- Switch.
- Oh.

- Mm?
- Oh, that's a cloud!

That's terrifying.

Here.

- Whoo.
- Whoop.

And boom.

So, I think you just step...

Oh, that looks nice.

Oh, yes, thank you.

You put the mushroom

on the mini grilled cheese sandwich,

and then they all go in
at the same time.

Oh, that definitely looks like
an orgy's going on in there.

- Who holds the bag?
- Oh, I'll hold the bag.

- You've got the vest.
- Oh, that's great.

Whoa, it's like we're really
in a grocery store.

I feel like technology is solving
problems we don't even have.

"Best friends" on three.

One... two... best friends.

Okay, so, after the twirl,

you just pull the ribbon through

and... voila.

- Easy-peasy.
- Okay, I guess.

Yeah, I mean, if you're
going for something

that's kind of generic-looking.

Cheyenne, I can't believe

you didn't tell me you were pregnant.

Cheyenne, you're pregnant?

Obviously she is. Look at her boobs.

- Whoa!
- I'm not pregnant.

But Sayid said...

That guy's always
making up stuff about people.

Huh?

I mean, it's... it's not his fault.

Uh, it's a cultural thing.

You know, lying is a big
part of Syrian culture.

I've never heard that, and I've
slept with a ton of Syrian dudes.

Wait, is that where the phrase,

"lying like a Syrian" comes from, Mateo?

Oh, you know, now that you mention it,

that makes sense. Yes, Cheyenne.

Wow, what a completely
natural conversation,

Cheyenne and Mateo.

Sayid never mentioned anything about
lying when I interviewed him.

Then again, if he was a
liar, he wouldn't have.

- Mmm.
- But if he wasn't a liar,

he wouldn't have either,
so... oh, this is a pickle.

Hold on, so when Sayid said
he liked my haircut...

Yep, lying like a Syrian.

Damn it. Do you guys like my hair?

- Eh.
- Eh.

Phew. Thanks, I was worried.

I said, "Make me look like Jeff Probst."

I know it's so bad for your teeth,

but I love chewing on ice.

You have so many interests
that I don't know about.

So cold.

Oh, look, look, look, look.

- It's our best friends.
- Ted! Kent!

Get over here you sons of bitches.

Oh, damn are we getting turnt over here?

- Turnt!
- Oh yeah,

we are getting turnt.

We were just laughing
about the fact that

we get all this free stuff,

and the floor workers get nothing.

Yeah, that is pretty funny.

- Yeah, yeah?
- All right, all right.

Here's a joke: How many floor workers

does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

- How many?
- Shut up! You're fired.

I don't even get it.

Me neither, Kent, me neither.

Not as good as your elves, huh?

Huh?

'Cause you look like Santa Claus.

And you look like a dick.

Surprising.

Okay, what's the difference
between a floor worker

- and a two-legged chair?
- Here we go.

Two-legged chair don't make $8.50
an hour for being useless.

Shut up! You're fired.

- It's just getting better!
- Hey, Bill, get over here.

This guy's throwing rocks tonight.

Oh, I got one, I got one.

How do you get out of giving benefits

- to a full-time employee?
- How?

Make them two part-time employees.

Boom! Chien is killing it.

That's actually a good idea, though.

Yeah, you just tell every full-timer

that they're now actually two
part-timers... you save a ton.

I wasn't actually suggesting...

Hey, we should get Tracey
in legal on this.

- Yeah. Hey, Tracey.
- Yeah?

You gotta hear this good idea
that Chien Mon Koh just had.

You know what?

I think I just see someone I know.

- Tracey, come here!
- Hassan, hi.

- Hold on, Chien.
- Come on.

Why are you telling people

that I'm "lying like a Syrian"?

Um, I don't think I ever said...

What is that? That is not a saying.

Who told you that? Was this Marcus?

'Cause that guy is...

Okay, fine.

I just... I know you heard me

talking about being undocumented.

You mean, President Henderson

didn't personally swear you in?

No, I don't even think Henderson
was still alive when I came here.

I was nervous that you might turn me in,

so ironically, I was the one who
started lying like a Syrian.

Again, that is not a real saying.

And why would I wanna turn you in?

It's none of my business.

I don't know, maybe you were
afraid of getting into trouble.

Like not saying anything

might somehow make you my accomplice.

Oh.

But you're not.

You are just an innocent bystander.

Yes, in my experience,

nothing ever happens
to innocent bystanders.

Look, Sayid, Sayid,
don't worry about it.

What are they gonna do, deport you
for not ratting me out?

I can honestly say that that thought

had not occurred to me.

Sayid, where you going?

To the back. I have work to do.

I'll come with.

I might have to go
to the men's room first.

We'll both go.

Mateo, Sayid seems to think
that you're undocumented

and that you've been working
in this store illegally.

What? That... that's crazy.

Why would he... wait,
is today November 29th?

Yeah.

It's Syrian April Fool's Day.

That guy... I am gonna
go shaving cream his locker.

Okay, I didn't believe him
at first, so I checked.

Did you know that your
social security number

belongs to a Polish woman from Buffalo?

So, unless your name
is Nadia Kedzierski,

we have a problem.

Oh, this isn't my
social security number.

Must've got put in wrong.

Oh, okay.

Well, I'm relieved to hear that.

So, if you could just
enter your real one.

I don't think you're
supposed to give out...

Okay, Mateo, I'm not kidding.

Okay... well, that's only
five numbers, like a zip code.

Um, you need four more.

Uh, it's, uh, the last
four, uh, is, um, two...

- Two.
- Nine...

- Nine.
- Nine...

- Nine.
- Nine.

Okay, I'll just run
this through E-Verify.

Thanks.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

You know, of all the times we made love,

we never made anything this beautiful.

Why would you say that?

So, can I...

You can get another one in aisle six.

Yeah, but we're not gonna wrap it.

We're going out on top.

Okay, I'll go get another.

- Just get another one.
- Okay.

Ugh.

Can you believe these are the idiots

who lead this company?

Not exactly the best and brightest.

And they get paid
ten times as much as us.

And they get better benefits

and free aroma-therapy diffusers.

They don't even have to pay for their
aroma-therapy diffusers.

How is that fair?

Maybe you should be a manager.

Yeah, right?

Why not?

I mean, they have those
training seminars.

They love bragging about
how they promote from within.

And like you said,

these people are not rocket scientists.

I'm a single mom,
and I just had a second baby.

It's not exactly the best time
to make a big life change.

Ah.

When is?

Do you think we'll still be friends
when I get sent back to the Philippines?

Of course we're still gonna be friends.

Ooh, maybe I could come visit you.

I hear they have nice beaches
and really cheap massages.

I bet I could get a deal on a ticket
if I book it far enough in advance.

Cheyenne, I'm about to be deported,

and you're planning your vacation.

Sorry.

But hotels are super inexpensive, right?

Oh, my God, so affordable.

- That's what I heard.
- Yeah, it's great.

Mateo, could we talk?

Sure.

So, I ran your social security number...

- Okay, look, I know it's...
- And it checked out.

It did?

Yep, it did.

So, that's... that?

Merry Christmas, Mateo.

You've been legal this whole time?

How much attention do you need?