Original subtitles

It's the holiday season and Santa is checking his list

to see who was naughty or nice.

And I'm kinda feeling guilty,

so I wrote a song.

"So many presents..."

"So little time..."

"Santa won't be coming..."

"by my house this year..."

'Cause I tried to drown my sister...

"and I pierced my ear..."

"Oh, Mama made it perfectly clear..."

"Santa don't like bad boys..."

"especially Jewish ones... (laughter)

"G nip-G nop and Lego blocks...

"are what I desire...

"So, Why'd I have to set...

"the pizza guy's hair on fire?

"L told him I was sorry..."

"I'm a liar..."

"so, no toys for me..."

"I don't deserve 'em...

"I couldn't wait for a Big Wheel..."

"as the holiday neared..."

"but then I told my grandma"

"that she had a beard."

(laughter)

(speaking) Dear Santa,

I know what my problem is,

why I can't be good.

It's a fear of intimacy.

You see, my whole life, wheneverl met...

someone really great, like you,

and I keep feeling I'm getting too close to them,

something inside me makes me want to screw it up.

So, in a weird way, the reason I'm so bad,

is because I love you so much, Santa.

"Rock 'em-Sock 'em Robots...

"is what I was hoping for...

"but then I made a death threat..."

"to Vice-President Gore..."

"Oh, Santa won't be knocking on my door..."

“cause he's a big, fat whore...

(laughter)

"What made me say that?

"Chutes and Ladders..."

"would be so good, indeed,"

"so, Why'd I have to sell that cop a bag of weed?"

(laughter)

"So, Santa, please,"

"give me my EZ-Bake oven,"

"I swearl thought billy goats were made for lovin'."

(laughter)

"So, Santa, won't you accept my apologies?

"Santa, can't you see,

.¢I-,n begging yo", Phase,

"oh, Santa, next year I'll do you right,"

"live from New York,"

"it's Saturday Night."

Tonight's a really special night for me.

Ten years ago, someone gave me my first break

by putting me in a music video.

And...

that person just happens to be here tonight.

Come on.

(screams and applause)

(playing "Dancing in the Dark")

(cheers and applause)

"I get up in the evening,

"and I ain't got nothing to say.

"L come home in the morning,

"I go to bed feeling the same way.

"L ain't nothing but tired,

"and I'm just tired and bored with myself.

"Hey there baby,

"I could use just a little help.

"You can't start a fire,

"you can't start a fire without a spark,"

"this gun's for hire,"

"even if we're just dancin' in the dark."

That's great, thank you. We got a great show tonight...

"My senses keep getting clearer,"

"radio's on and I'm moving 'round the place."

"L take my look in the mirror,"

(singing unintelligibly)

"and I ain't gettin'..."

(singing unintelligibly)

'...There's something happening somewhere.'

" "somewhere --

- "Baby, I just know there is." - "I just know there is."

"You can't start a fire,

"you can't start a fire without a spark,"

"this gun's for hire,"

"even if we're just dancin' in the dark."

Bruce Springsteen, ladies and gentlemen!

(cheers and applause)

"You can't start a fire,

"worrying about your little world falling apart,"

"this gun's for hire,"

"even if we're just dancin' in the dark."

Thank you, Bruce. We got a great show, so, stick around --

"Stay on the streets of this town,"

"and they'll be carving you up all night."

"They say you gotta stay hungry..."

We got a great show tonight.

The Dave Matthews Band is here! We'll be right back.

(cheers and applause)

Those look great.

- Definitely. - Are you sure?

They're even bigger than the last pairl bought,

and those were pretty huge.

Did you cinch them?

I tried them with a belt.

No, you can't do that! You've gotta cinch 'em.

Yeah, we told you to cinch 'em.

Just paper bag them out and cinch 'em.

Well, you know, it's just --

You just gotta cinch 'em and then you'll see.

You'll love them.

Okay? so! 'WE.

(laughter)

He was so not my type.

Oh, wait, did I tell you?

I finally saw "A Few Good Men" last night.

Really? I haven't seen that. How was that?

Oh, okay. Tom Cruise is like, a lawyer or something.

And he's all ..

"L want the truth about the war."

and Jack Nicholson's all,

"You can't handle the truth."

and Tom Cruise is all, "But I want it anyways,"

or whatever. It was good.

(laughter)

Tom Cruise is so yummy.

I'm sorry, but Jack Nicholson was hotter.

- Would you? - Definitely.

- You're such a whore! - I know.

You should get a job at Banana Republic

with the rest of those sluts.

Would you even use one of their changing rooms?

Yeah, I'd use their changing room,

ifl wanted to get body lice.

- On, ma, mm "ma." - n u.

- How do you know Todd? - Oh, he's kind of my boyfriend.

I don't think so. He's kind of mine.

Oh! I10!

- What's up? - I can't believe this.

I had a one-nighter with both those skanks last month.

(laughter)

Todd, can I talk to you?

Oh, no, dude, you're busted.

- Meet you at Tater Junction. - Yeah.

Uh, hi...

Lucy!

You know, my friend over there, Christy,

told me something very interesting.

Oh, 5 Yeah.

I feel real sorry for her.

What do you mean?

Well, I saw her last month at a party,

and she was pretty drunk.

I gave her a ride home as a favor,

and she tried to kiss me.

- Well, did you? - No, I'm seeing you.

Look, I just wanted to get her home safely

'cause she was so wasted.

Well, she is kind of an alky.

Well, why haven't you called me for the last three weeks?

I've been. I did last night,

it was busy for three hours.

I've got call waiting.

I know, that's why I was so freaked out.

- Wow, that is weird. - I was scared. That's why I came over.

- You didn't come over. - Yes, I did. I banged on the door.

I don't have a door. I have a gate.

- I know, I cut my hand on it. - There's no cut.

I know, it healed. That's what I'm trying to tell you.

Look, if you're not gonna listen, forget it.

No, Todd!

I'm the whore!

I'm the whore!

You're good and I'm so bad.

It's okay, baby-

We'll work it out. We always do.

Now, go over there and help out those customers

and I'll straighten out your friend over here, all right?

Yeah, she's all weirded out.

Hey, beautiful.

Screw you, Todd. I'm not talking to you.

Fine,

but that girl over there, who's your friend,

you'd better watch her.

I will.

Why, though? What do you mean?

She thinks I look like some guy she's dating.

Oh, be cool. Here comes my manager.

Act like a customer.

(laughter)

Uh, Chrissy, what's going on?

9h, hi, Cindy. Okay, sir,

these are dark blue,

these are light blue, and these are kind of medium blue.

Whatever. Push the cable knits.

You are so full of it, Todd.

Good, don't believe me.

You're obviously looking for an excuse to break up with me.

No, wait.

Where were you last night? You stood me up.

You stood me up. I was at Googjfs waiting for you.

I was at Googy's, but I didn't see you.

I know, I couldn't get in.

They were letting everyone in.

I know. That's why I got into a fight with the bouncer,

because I was bragging about how much I was in love with you.

They don't have a bouncer.

I know. That's what I'm trying to tell you.

I'm sorry. It's just, you weren't there

and I was all -- I was all...

It's okay, baby.

It's okay. It's all about trust.

Is everything okay?

- Are you okay? - Yes.

Hey, Todd.

L-| ey, Tracy.

I only have a 45-minute break from Doughnut Hut

if you want to hang out.

(laughter)

Yeah, all right. I'll be right there.

(laughter)

Hey, I'll be right back.

Gotta get her over to her therapy appointment.

She's a very, very troubled girl.

- Help her, Todd. - Go help her.

That's nice.

Tracy Westcott works at Doughnut Hut now?

Yeah, apparently, she's taking her work home with her...

in her butt.

(cheers and applause)

This is the great housesitting deal you've found?

This place is a dump!

Just wait till you see the pool.

No water?

(laughter)

You two look like you need to get wet.

Thank you!

(laughter)

Whoooah!

(laughter)

If you've got a big thirst and you're gay,

reach for a cold, tall bottle of Schmitts Gay.

I think I'm gonna like housesitting.

Ah...yeah.

(cheers and applause)

Now, recapping some of this week's names in the news

is special "U palate" correspondent Opera Man.

(cheers and applause)

(cheers and applause)

(applause)

...and hanging on the car door...

was a bloody hook!

Ann“!

(laughter)

Hey, I got a ghost story, Mr. Armstrong,

but I can't tell it till Canteen Boy gets back.

Where is Canteen Boy?

He's right over there.

Canteen Boy, come over here.

Hang on a sec, fellas.

Fellas, I got a bit of a situation over here.

You can relax, Canteen Boy.

That thing's made of wood.

So it is.

Good eye.

Hey, Canteen Boy.

I've got a really scary ghost story.

Once upon a time, there was a moron,

who always had a stupid canteen wrapped around his neck.

Hey, I think I've heard this tale before.

It was a dark and stormy night,

and this moron went into the woods.

And a huge bear came up

and ripped his head off

just 'cause he looked so stupid!

The end!

(laughter)

You want to see something really scary?

Look in a mirror.

Shut up, Canteen Boy.

- You shut up. - What's that?

Nothing.

All right, guys. Lay off Canteen Boy.

You can hike on back to your tents and hit the hay.

Let's go, scouts. Move it.

Move it. Move it. Not you, Canteen Boy.

I wanted to talk to you about something.

I see you take a lot of ribbing from the other scouts.

Goes with the territory, Mr. Armstrong.

Sticks and stones.

Alta boy.

(audience groans)

You know, it seems like

the moment you get out of the city,

all your problems

just sort of fade away.

(laughter and applause)

I'm sorry, Canteen Boy,

my beard is scratchy, isn't it?

No harm done.

(laughter)

My beard is scratchy, Canteen Boy,

but it gives good back rubs.

Right. I'll take a rain check on that, Mr. Armstrong.

Whoops, my shirt fell off.

(laughter)

That's a quick fix, Mr. Armstrong.

Just put it back on.

(laughter)

That's great, Canteen Bey. Hey...

do you like wine?

Actually, I prefer purified water

right out of the old canteen here.

(laughter)

I'm going to get us a little...wine.

All right. A little drop wouldn't kill me, I guess.

(owl hooting)

Whoa-whoa to you.

Hey, owl, if you're so wise, why don't you go to sleep?

It's the middle of the night.

(laughter)

Ah, here's to the great outdoors.

Whoops.

Was that your sleeping bag?

You'd better share mine.

It's extra large.

Sure, why not'? Till mine dries off.

It won't take long. It's made of Gore-Tex.

Canteen Boy,

would you...

rub some bug repellent on my chest?

It's February, Mr. Armstrong.

I think all the bugs went down south to hibernate.

I'll be honest with you.

Humor me, Canteen Boy.

(laughter)

There you go. No more bugs.

I have to apologize for my hairy chest.

It can be a little scratchy.

My mom might like it. She's a big Tom Selleck fan.

(laughter)

You're very funny, Canteen Boy.

Make me laugh some more.

(laughter)

Actually, I left my joke book over in the tent.

How about I go get it?

That's okay, Canteen Boy. Let's just lie here, and...

look at the stars.

Do you...

do you know how...

(laughter)

...how to play...

"Truth or Dare," Canteen Boy?

Refresh me.

(laughter)

You choose between telling a secret...

or doing a dare.

All right, dare.

You know what, Mr. Armstrong?

Let's start off with a truth.

I'll tell you a truth, Canteen Boy.

You know what I hate'?

Underpants.

(laughter)

Gee. I think if you're worried about bugs,

underpants would be your last line of defense.

(laughter)

Problem solved.

Your problem's solved,

but I think my problem's just beginning.

(laughter)

What the hell was that?

(cheers and applause)

I don't know. It must have been a bed bug.

That was pretty big for a bed bug.

(laughter)

Okay. It wasn't a bed bug.

Let's go back to saying it was a bed bug.

(laughter)

Hey, you know what? The park rangerjust called.

He said one camper per sleeping bag.

Sorry. Adios, amigo.

God, you make me laugh, Canteen Boy.

(laughter)

I'm sorry, Canteen Boy.

I fell asleep before anything happened.

No harm done.

Well, who's hungry?

I'm going to go make us a power breakfast.

G Kay'

(whistling)

(rattling and hissing)

Canteen Boy, have you ever had a mimosa?

Canteen Boy?

Canteen Boy, you rascal.

(cheers and applause)

Tonight is the seventh night of Hanukkah,

and hereto sing a Hanukkah song...

is Adam Sandler.

(cheers and applause)

Thank you!

Thank you, thank you.

Thanks, thanks very much.

Well, when I was a kid,

this time of year always

made me feel a little left out,

because in school, there were so many Christmas songs,

and all us Jewish kids had was this song,

"Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel."

(laughter)

So I wrote a brand-new Hanukkah song

for you Jewish kids to sing, and I hope you like it.

"Futon your yarmulke,

"here comes Hanukkah.

"So much fun-ukkah,

"to celebrate Hanukkah.

"Hanukkah is...

"the festival of lights.

"Instead of one day of presents,

"we have eight crazy nights.

"But when you feel like the only kid in town

"without a Christmas tree,"

"here's a list of people who are Jewish"

"just like you and me."

"David Lee Roth

"lights the menorah,

"so do Kirk Douglas, James Caan,

"and the late Dinah Shore-ah,

"Guess who eats together"

"at the Carnegie Deli,"

"Bowzer from Sha Na Na, and Arthur Fonzarelli."

(laughter)

"Paul Newman's half Jewish, and Goldie Hawn's half too,"

"put them together,"

"what a fine-looking Jew!"

(cheers and applause)

You...

"You don't need "Deck the halls",

"or "Jingle Bell Rock",

" 'cause you can spin a dreidel

"with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock, both Jewish!

"Futon your yarmulke,

"here comes Hanukkah.

"The owner of the Seattle Supersonic-abs"

"celebrates Hanukkah."

"O.J. Simpson..."

not a Jew,

"but guess who is? Hall of Famer Rod Carew!"

He converted.

"We got Ann Landers,

"and her sister, "Dear Abby",

"Harrison Ford is a quarter Jewish,"

"not too shabby."

(laughter)

"Some people think

"that Ebenezer Scrooge is."

"Well, he's not, but guess who is --"

"all Three Stooges!"

(applause)

Oh, b0!!-

"So many Jews are in...

"showbiz,

"Tom Cruise isn't,

"but I think his agent is.

"Tell your friend, Veronica,

"it's time to celebrate Hanukkah.

"L hope I get a harmonica

"on this lovely, lovely Hanukkah.

"So drink your gin and tonic-ah,

"but don't smoke marijuana-kah.

"If you really, really want-ukkah,"

"have a happy, happy, hiPPy-n"

"happy Hanukkah."

Happy Hanukkah, everybody!

Thank you.

Adam Sandler, everybody!

(cheers and applause)

Yeah!

Norm!

Oh, my God.

- Thank you. - The Great Sandu.

Oh, my! He's a fine-looking Jew.

Right on!

That's all the news, good night and good luck.

(applause)

Announcer: And now, "The Denise Show,"

with your host, Brian.

Hi, everybody. Welcome to "The Denise Show."

As you know,

Denise is the girl who broke up with me five weeks ago.

Wasn't that big a deal. She ripped open my chest...

and pulled out my heart,

but it's fine, it's fine.

Everything3 okay.

So, let's move on with the show.

Looks like we got a phone call. Hello?

Caller: Brian, how you holding up, man?

I'm okay.

All right, hang in there, buddy. You the man.

Thanks.

I am the man.

Okay, if you're just tuning in, we're taking calls.

Tonight's subject is Denise.

Have you seen her?

Has she said anything about me?

Let's take another call. Hello?

Hey, Brian, I saw Denise at Friendly's with her parents.

- The one en Central Avenue? - Oh, yeah.

Really? Did she look happy?

Yeah, I guess so.

Good. Good for her. That's great.

Seriously, that's really, really good.

I can't tell you how happy I am for her.

- Okay, man, see you later. - Okay, good.

She deserves to be happy. I'm glad. I really am.

All right, how's the time in the show...

when I like to give Denise a call and hang up on her.

(laughter)

(dialing)

(ringifl!)

Denise: Hello?

(laughter and applause)

That was great.

(laughter)

Now, let's bring out my first guest.

He lives down the street from me,

and has known Denise since kindergarten,

Daryl Fitzsimmons.

Hey, Brian. What's up, man?

What's up?

Hey, Daryl, don't you think Denise and I made a good couple?

Yeah, definitely.

I know, what's with her?

I don't know, man.

- Thanks for coming by, Daryl. - Thanks.

(cheers and applause)

Let's move on to this week's Denise trivia question.

The question is --

The answer is --

Hmm...l guess in Chuck E. Cheese,

forever means "eight months."

(laughter)

Okay, now is about the time on the show where I lose it.

(laughter)

And my dad calls up and yells at me.

Here we go.

I can't believe she did this to me!

It's not fair. What did I do wrong, Denise?

Just tell me, and I'll stop doing it.

Hello, Brian, this is your father.

What?

What the hell is wrong with you?!

You're embarrassing the family!

I can't help it, Dad.

- Oh, stop it! - She was everything to me.

- She was so soft. - Be a man!

I can't understand what you're saying!

Speak English! Moron!

- You don't get it, man! - Brian!

She's different! Just butt out!

This is my life! You don't own me!

(cheers and applause)

Okay, that was great.

(laughter)

Tonight we have a brand-new segment for our show.

Let's call up the guy I heard Denise has been dating,

and hang up on him.

(laughter)

(dial tone)

(ringifl!)

Man: Hello?...Hello?

(laughter)

Hello...?

I'm going to kill you.

(laughter)

Who is this?

(laughter and applause)

O kfly'

That really was fun.

Now, every week on the show,

I like to take out an old note Denise sent me,

and sigh painfully as I read it.

This one was from our three-week anniversary.

(whimperina)

(laughter)

(whining)

(long whine)

O kfly'

Now is the part of the show,

where I look at Denise's picture,

and I talk to it.

(whining) Why?

(laughter)

Why do you push me away, when all I want to do is love you?

Take me back, Denise, please.

Hello, Brian, this is your father.

Butt out!

You don't understand!

N°sl hale ya"! shlll up!

Brian...? Brian, what are you doing?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Hello, Denise.

(laughter)

Why you can't you get it? It is over.

You and me are over. Face reality...

We're not a couple. Move on with your life.

Will you go back outwith me?

N1)!

Then the show must go on.

(laughter)

Next week, my guests will be...

a girl who works with Denise at the movie theater,

and a guy who sold her some pants at Marshalls.

See you then.

(cheers and applause)

(light piano music)

(applause)

(applause)

Opera man, before you leave,

I understand you have a brother living in Italy?

Si.

And you haven't seen him in a long time?

Si.

Well, I've got a little Christmas surprise for you.

Que?

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

(cheers and applause)

(accordion playing)

Oh, Sweetheart.

Oh, this whole honeymoon is like a dream.

Then we ought to get to bed, huh?

Hey, did that bellhop look familiar to you?

Welcome to La Cantoria.

So glad to see you again.

Well, actually, this is just our first time here.

Oh, then this is very special.

Senora, bellissima.

Thank you. Actually, we're on our second honeymoon.

Oh, newlyweds. Congratulations.

Senore.

Well, it's... she's a great...

Bellissima.

(laughter)

H eynnhey!

I come back.

(laughter)

Hello. Buon giorno, Senora, bellissima.

I bring complimentary fruit from garden. There you go.

Oh, great.

Marcello, this is newlyweds.

Oh, newlyweds. Bueno, Senora,

bueno, bellissima.

(laughter)

Hey, hey! Hey, would you mind?

Marcello...

- He get emotional. - Oh, honey, I think it's sweet.

All rightmthink we can get some room service?

- You no go out tonight, hllh? - wall-n

Please, we understand.

I take care of room service.

- Great, thafd be great. - For you andmBellissima.

(laughter)

Hey, hey, hey! Hey, come on. Hey!

I come back.

- Can you believe that guy? - Oh, honey...

It's a...we're in Rome; let's do as the Romans do.

And besides, I'm feeling a little romantic myself.

I'll be right back.

O-kay! Yeah, okay. Yeah, all right.

(singill!)

Ah!

Come here. Come here, you.

I bring you Fabio.

He good man. He take your order.

...Yes.

You get the lamb chops, they are the best.

Okay. Lamb chops sound good.

We make a nice salad Caprisi. Tomato, mozzarella.

- I'd love some pasta. - Champagne, of course.

So, that is lamb chops with salad for Senora,

and pasta for Bellissima.

(laughter)

Hey-hey-hey!

Hey, hey!

Hey, come on!

- You no want salad Caprisi'? - No, salad's fine, it's just...

You'll enjoy salad Caprisi.

Don't worry, I take care of you and Bellissima.

Hey, get out of there! Hey!

Honey, please. Come on,

- It's just their custom. - I don't like it!

Do not embarrass me.

Buon giorno! Housekeeping.

You want your bed turned down?

No, I think we already have...

Oh, bueno, you want bedtime mint? Very good.

Oh, sure, we want a mint, don't we, honey?

- Well, all right. - Bueno...

One for Senora,

and one for Bellissima.

(laughter)

Hey, what are you doing?

Hey, you no like bedtime mint?

Michael, what you bring him?

Ijust bring bedtime mint for Senore and Bellissima.

What? Bedtime mint? It's still afternoon.

- I so sorry. Bedtime mint. - No, no, no...

That's not the problem, all right?

(laughter)

O kay,

lamb chops with salad for Senora,

and pasta for Bellissima.

Bellissima eat first.

Okay, get the hell out! All of you, out.

Come on, let's go! Out!

You no like salad Caprisi?

(laughter)

I don't like you!

You're the same creeps from that Italian restaurant in New York.

I remember you. Get the hell out, all of you,

Get away from me and my wife.

Everywhere we go...

no one understand.

We tried a restaurant in the States.

Everyone mistakes our affection...

for something dirty, for sexual.

It's not true.

Is not so.

For us, showing affection is as natural as...

eating gelato, and peeing on the sidewalk.

(laughter)

Please, at least understand.

In our own country...

I'm sorry, I guess I jumped the gun.

It's all right, Senore.

Are you sure?

Water under bridge.

Now, you see that, honey?

Yeah, you can learn from everybody, right?

You really can.

Where should we go tomorrow? How about the Coliseum?

The Coliseum's great.

It's a beautiful world.

Senora, Belissima.

(cheers and applause)

And now that the Mardi Gras is over,

the next big celebration for American party goers is spring break.

Here to talk about his recent trip to Daytona Beach,

is our party correspondent, the Cajun Man. Cajun Man?

(cheers and applause)

H ey!

What's that smell on your breath, Cajun Man?

Onion...

(laughter)

Cajun Man,I understand that you go to Daytona Beach

just about every year, don't you?

(unintelligible)

You look like you got some color there, too.

Suntan lotion.

(laughter)

All right, Cajun Man, you're on Daytona Beach a lot.

How is your body looking?

Definition.

(laughter)

- Now how do you stay thin? - Metabolism.

Cajun Man?

- Liposuction. - Okay, that's what I thought.

(laughter)

I heard you did a lot of drinking down there in Daytona.

Inebriation.

(laughter)

What kind of beer were you drinking?

Pabst Blue Ribbon.

(laughter)

Now, somebody told me that you guzzled like, 32 beers

in some beer-guzzling contest.

- What happened after that? - Hallucination.

(laughter)

- What did you see? - Satan.

(laughter)

- Anybody with him? - Jim Morrison.

(laughter)

That would have freaked me out. And how did you handle that?

Defecation.

(laughter)

I could imagine, I could imagine.

You also judged a wet t-shirt contest, is that right?

- How were the contestants? - Oh, Kevin.

(laughter)

What made you decide on the winner?

Melons!

(laughter)

Did you have any luck with her?

Rejection.

- Aw, that's too bad. - Lesbian.

(laughter)

Cajun Man, Cajun Man, how did you know that?

Intuition.

(laughter)

well...

Cajun Man, what's the matter?

(whimpering) Depression.

Don't worry, Cajun Man, there's plenty of other women out there.

You'll find someone.

"The Love Connection."

Okay, well, thanks for coming, Cajun Man.

You wanted to say hello to somebody when you're here?

John Goodman.

Okay... all right, I will.

- Cajun Man, everybody. - Kevin Nealon!

(cheers and applause)

"Zagafs," with your hosts, Hank and Beverly Gelfand.

Hello, and welcome to "Zagat“s."

I'm Bev Gelfand, and this is my husband, Hank

What do you want?!

Hank and I are celebrating our 35th wedding anniversary,

and we're very excited, Hank and I.

N1)!

We're going out to dinner for the occasion,

but we can't decide where to go.

Do you know where you want to go, Hank?

Go away!

(laughter)

Well, maybe we can all find a place...

in our Zagafs New York Restaurant Guide.

Let's take a look together.

(laughter)

Dear God, here we go!

Oh, here's one. It's called "Patty's Place" on 12th Street.

There's an Art Deco interior,

and the international cuisine...

That sounds like a lot of fun.

(laughter)

My father said, "Get married."

He should rot in his grave.

(laughter)

How about Mario's Restaurant?

"Minipizzas and de-lish desserts

make this Italian eatery a must."

Ravioli? Holy cannoli.

(laughter)

Day and night, she talks,

each word more useless than the next!

"The City Steakhouse serves the best beef in town."

Their central setting will set the mood...

"for any romantic rendezvous."

Oh, hear that, Hank?

(laughter)

(applause)

Give me cancer now, God!

(laughter)

"Fine Southern fare at Charlie's."

There's fried chicken and first-rate service.

"So, come on down, y'all, y'hear?"

(laughter)

Hank and I have decided to spend a nice, quiet evening at home.

Isn't that right, Hank?

The book is gone, but the mouth goes on!

(laughter)

Since we're staying at home, maybe we can watch some television.

Let's find a show to watch in our...

"TV Guide."

Just when I thought I was out, she drags me back in.

Here's one, "M urder, She Wrote."

"Jessica investigates a suspicious Hollywood murder,

and exposes the real killer."

Oh, I just love her. She's so smart.

(laughter)

See if there's a program about shutting the hell up!

(laughter)

Surprise...!

- Oh, heavens to Betsy. - Hi, Beverly, hi, Hank.

Heavens to Betsy, it's my sister Pauline.

What in heaven's are you doing here?

I knew you and Hank would be celebrating your 35th wedding anniversary,

Knock wood. So, I thought I'd stop by with a present.

Ohhh...

You shouldn't have. Isn't that nice, Hank?

Look how pretty it is.

Please let it be a gun!

(laughter)

Perfect.

(laughter)

Look, Hank.

Pauline brought us Zagat's Restaurant Guide.

We used to have one, but, um...

Hank misplaced it.

Wait till you see, sis. They've got the greatest restaurants in there.

I'm in the middle of a moron sandwich.

(laughter)

Here, look, "The Oyster Club",

for the best clam chowder in town.

"All aboard for fine fish cuisine." Mm-mmm.

Ohhh, woo-hon, yum-my.

(laughter)

Oh, let me take a look.

Oh, look, "The Cajun Club, for catfish and gumbo galore."

Mardi Gras is every night. You'll dance the delight."

HYi-llya-hya.

Oh, that rhymes.

That rhymes, doesn't it, Hank?

- Come here... - I've got stupid in stereo.

(laughter)

Sleeping pills, my only friends.

Oh, here, my turn.

"Care for Chinese food? try Uncle Chang's."

They've got the best egg rolls in town,

"and don't forget the dumplings."

Don't worry, I never do.

(laughter)

Oh, here's a place, let's see.

"O'Sullivan's, for Irish food and fun."

The fish and chips are fabulous.

"Don't you fill up on the soda..."

This has been "ZagaPs," with Hank and Beverly Gelfand.

(applause)

{piano playing)

(rock-tempo piflfll?)

(cheers and applause)

(applause)

Opera man, ladies and gentlemen!

(cheers and applause)

This is a song,

about the high school experience,

through the eyes of the person who, more than anyone else,

puts young people on the right path.

I'm not talking about the teachers,

I'm not talking about the coaches,

I'm not even talking about the guidance counselors.

I'm talking about a person we call...

"the lunch lady."

(scattered cheers and applause)

"Woke up in the morning..."

"put on my new plastic glove."

"Served some reheated Salisbury steak,"

"with a little slice of love."

"L got no clue what the chicken pot pie is made of."

"Just know everythingfs doing fine down here in..."

"Lunch Lady Land."

"Well, I wear this net on my head..."

"because my red hair is falling out."

"L wear these brown orthopedic shoes,"

“cause I got a bad case of the gout.

"L know you want seconds on the corn dogs,"

"but there's no reason to shout."

"Everybody gets enough food down here in the magical..."

"Lunch Lady Land."

(cheers)

"Well..."

"yesterday's meatloaf..."

"is today's Sloppy Joes,"

"And my breath reeks of tuna,

"and there's lots of black hairs coming out of my nose.

"Oh, hoagies and grinders, hoagies and grinders...

"navy beans, navy beans navy beans, navy beans...

"Hoagies and grinders, hoagies and grinders...

"navy beans, navy beans, meatloaf sandwich.

"Sloppy Joe, slop, Sloppy Joe, yeah,

"Sloppy Joe, slop, Sloppy Joe...

"Sloppy Joe, slop, Sloppy Joe, yeah,

"Sloppy Joe, slop, Sloppy Joe, yeah!"

"Well, I dreamt one morning that I woke up to see,"

"all the pepperoni pizza was looking at me."

"They screamed, Why do you burn me and serve me up cold?"

"I said, I got the spatula, just do what you're told".

"Then the liver and onions started joining the fight,

"and the chocolate pudding pushed me with all its might.

"And the chop suey slapped me, and he kicked me in the head,

"It's called revenge, lunch lady," said the garlic bread.

"L said, "What did I do to make you all so mad?"

"You got flabby arms and your breath is bad".

"And the green beans said, "You better run and hide,"

"but then my friend, Sloppy Joe came and joined my side.

"He said, "if it wasn't for the lunch lady...

"the kids wouldn't eat ya.

"You should be shaking her hand,"

"and saying, 'Pleased to meet ya!'"

"She gives you a purpose and she gives you a goal,"

"you should be kissing her feet and kissing her mole!"

"Now, all the angry foods just leave me alone,

"and we all live together in a happy home.

"Thanks to..."Sloppy Joe,

"Slop, Sloppy Joe, yeah,

"Sloppy Joe, slop, Sloppy Joe, ooh, yeah!

"Sloppy Joe, slop, Sloppy Joe, yeah,

"Sloppy Joe, slop, Sloppy Joe."

"Well..."

"me and Sloppy Joe got married..."

"we got six kids and we're doing just fine,"

"down in Lunch Lady Land."

(cheers and applause)

Here again with his Halloween costume suggestions...

...is Adam Sandler. Adam?

(cheers and applause)

Thank you.

If you're not out trick-or-treating right now,

there's a good chance...

you didn't want to spend the money on a fancy costume.

Well, you really don't have to,

and you still have time to get loads of candy tonight,

with my low-cost costume ideas.

You can just use your face.

Go as "Smiley Boy."

(laughter)

Hey, I'm "Smiley Boy."

Look at me! I got a big smile on my face.

Now, give me some candy,

Come on, I'm smiling away here.

What do you want from me? Give me that candy!

(laughter)

Or, you can go as "About-to-Sneeze Man."

Hey, I'm "About-to-Sneeze Man."

And I want some candy.

Look at me, all squashed up like I'm gonna sneeze.

Before I do, could you give me some candy?

Ahh-ahh-ahh -- candy!

(laughter)

You can use a prop, you know, you have lying around the house.

A newspaper is great.

You can go as "Crazy Newspaper Face."

(laughter)

I'm "Crazy Newspaper Face."

(laughter)

And I want some candy.

Give some candy to "Crazy Newspaper Face."

My face ain't normal, it's a damn newspaper!

(laughter)

Come on, extra, extra! read all about me,

I need some candy!

Or you can go as "Crazy Newspaper Unicorn Man."

I'm "Crazy Newspaper Unicorn Man."

And I do believe I want some candy.

(laughter)

Come on, I'm almost extinct.

Give me the candy.

(whinny)

A sneaker is great, too. you can use a sneaker.

I'm "Crazy Sneaker Hand."

(laughter)

Hello, perhaps you've heard of me.

I have a sneaker for a hand.

And I want some candy.

Now fork some candy over, pronto.

Don't make me use this sneaker I have for a hand in a bad way.

Candy!

(laughter)

Or, go as, "Crazy Guy Under the Desk."

(laughter)

I'm "Crazy Guy Under the Desk."

(laughter)

Just 'cause you can't see me, don't mean I don't want candy.

(laughter)

Just leave the candy on the desk!

(laughter)

lam warning you, do not come down here.

(laughter)

Did I mention I was... crazy?

(laughter)

Or you can use something from your school supplies.

Like this protractor.

I'm "Crazy Protractor Face."

I don't believe we've had the honor.

My vision is impaired, but I can still see you've got candy.

I want that candy!

Or go as, "Crazy Protractor Beard."

I'm "Crazy Protractor Beard."

Look, I've got a beard made out of a damn protractor.

Isn't that bizarre?

Now, I believe you're gonna give me some candy.

I've got all night.

I'm just a guy who's got a protractor for a beard.

I got nowhere to go, so you might as well cough up that candy.

Happy Halloween, everybody!

(cheers and applause)

TV: Yo! all'! do Ills.

Do you understand? You cannot take my baby from me.

Don't you understand this?

Don't you see that?

Oh, this is a really nice place.

- It's just like my house. - Oh, yeah? Look.

Here's the wine.

My room's down the hall and in the back, okay?

I just got to talk to my brother for a minute.

All right, I'll be waiting.

Hi, Grandma.

How you doing?

Okay... Hey, Bobby, come here!

- Yeah, Joey? - Hey, buddy, mu...

Donna and me are gonna be in the back for half an hour.

Now, I just want you to look after Grandma.

Here's 10 bucks, okay...

give her whatever she needs. Just keep her quiet...

- and out of my room, all right? - All right.

- That's all y'gotta do, got it? - Sure, sure, Joey.

Where's Joey?

He went back to his room.

- Uh-huh.l need him. - I can get it.

- What do you need? - I need Joey.

- Well, he's busy. - I want Joey.

- Joey! Joey! - Shhh!

Joey!

What is it?

I need my glasses.

O kfly'

- Here they are. Okay, Grammy? - Oh, yes.

Got 'em?

There you go. Bobby's gonna get you anything else you need.

Yes.

You all right? Don't mess it up, okay?

(laughter)

So, what do you -- what are you watching?

I'm watching my story.

Go tell Joey my story's on.

No, let's just watch it together, okay?

- Oh, stop touching me! - Okay, okay...

- Let's just be quiet. - Don't tell me what to do!

I'm sorry.

- Stop yelling at me! - I didn't mean to.

You're still yelling! Stop it!

Stop it! Stop ..g

What's going on?

Well, she was --

What?! Sheesh --

- What's the matter, Grandma? - He won't stop yelling at me.

- I didn't say -- - Stop yelling.

Geez, can't you do a simple job?

Grandma, it's okay. Okay?

- He won't yell anymore, all light? - Okay.

I don't want to watch TV anymore.

Where's my newspaper? Joey --?

I'll get it. I'll get it, I'll get it...here, here.

I want my pillows fluffed.

A little more. More, please.

More, more... That's too much. Slow down!

That's fine.

Now, I want that big platter on the top shelf.

Why?!

- You're yelling. - No, no, no...

Look, look. I'm getting it, I'm getting it.

Here, see?

No...no, no, no.

No, a little down, a little...

a little more... okay, a little...

You see the blue one? Now, listen to me.

Listen to me!

You have to listen if you're gonna get the one I want!

(laughter)

Now, a little more, please. Keep going, you got it --

there!

(laughter)

You scared me!

Aw, damn it!

You have no right to talk to me like that.

I'm the one who got you orange juice when you were sick.

Shh! shhh, shh,shh!

I brought you juice.

- Grandma, are you all right? - He's scaring me.

Oh, scaring her, huh?

Come here, big man. Scaring the little lady, huh?

Leave her alone.

Okay. He won't scare you anymore, okay?

(laughter)

Quit screwing around! Come on, Bob!

Grandma, I'm going to the bathroom and get a band-aid.

I'll be gone for two minutes.

Go on, I'll be fine.

I don't need you.

(doorbell rings)

Good afternoon. I represent Lamplight Publishing.

Your name has been selected to appear

in a special "who's who" volume of retirees.

You can preorder a copy at the introductory price of $500.

$500? I'll get my purse.

(laughter)

- What are you doing? - I'm going to be in "who's who."

That's 5100... and $200.

$300." there's $400 --

Give me that! Give me that.

Now, get out and stay out!

Grandma, you can't give your money away like that.

It's my money. You don't own me!

Look, that guy was a crook.

Hey, I have earned the right to see my name in print!

Give me my money!

What?!

(laughter)

What are you doing?

He's taking my money!

You little punk! What are you doing?

(screaming)

Just give her the money.

- Here you go, Grandma. - Thank you.

Sorry.

All right...

He's not going to scare you anymore, all right?

Come on, Bob!

I'm sorry, but you brought this on yourself.

(laughter)

Why are you -- why are you staring at me?

I'm the one who got you orange juice!

What juice?!

You're...stop pretending you don't know.

- I'm not pretending! - Stop yelling at me!

You were a difficult birth!

You're my grandma.

That's where you're wrong!

Where's Joey? Where is Joey?

No, wait.

Ann“!

You pushed me.

I didn't touch you. I swear, I didn't --

I brought you juice in the night.

Listen, Joey. I gotta run. lt was nice seeing you.

Bye-bye, nice lad!!-

- He pushed me. - I didn't --

20 minutes, that's all I --

Stop it! Stop it!

It's my fault.

But can't you see I love you?

- We love you, too, Grandma. - Yeah.

Ow, ow, stop touching me!

- Stop touching her! - I'm not touching her, man --

(cheers and applause)

We at "Saturday night live" have given a lot of thought...

to how we can contribute to the war effort.

That's why tonight, we introduce a new character, Iraqi Pete,

the scapegoat who by embodying all the worst stereotypes of the Arab people,

can become the focus of our war frenzy,

and help kick this war in the gulf thing into overdrive.

So please welcome, or should I say, please jeer,

Iraqi Pete.

(booing)

What? What? Don't you like me?

Just because I woke up this morning,

and spit on your flag.

Does that offend you?

Well, that's too bad!

Boo all you like. Iraqi Pete can handle it.

Hey, look}; what I got,

A nice Cabbage Patch doll.

The dream friend of every boy and girl in America.

Ooh, the head comes off so easily.

(booing) It's so weak and defenseless,

just like you Americans!

I must go. I will be back.

But for now, I leave you with this --

go to hell! Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Bye-bye.

(booing)

Hello, everyone.

I told you I'd be back.

Are you upset to see me?

Go ahead and boo me then.

(booing) Oh, you're afraid. you're a bunch of big chickens.

Come on, boo me, boo me,

Boo, boo, boo, 500, boo!

You know what, I'm beginning to like your booing.

It makes me want to dance.

"Boo, boo-o-oo,

boo-boo-boo-boo-oo"

You see, I dance to your boos.

Hey, guess what I got here.

Your most treasured painting, "American Gothic."

It's what you live by, I'm told.

But now Iraqi Pete owns the farm.

They're all my cows and piggies to play with.

Hey, one more thing for you --

go to hell! (booing)

If you leave town this holiday season,

why not let the Herlihy Boy be your house-sitter?

Out of an estimated 50,000 professional house-sitters in the world,

the Herlihy Boy is by far the best.

(laughter)

Hello.

Let me water your plants.

(laughter)

Please, while you're gone --

let me water your plants.

(laughter)

It would mean so much to me,

if you'd just let me water your plants.

Come on, you're not gonna be there.

(laughter)

Somebody's got to water them.

Why can't it be me?

Please? Hey, hey...

Please?

Let me water your plants.

Come on, let the boy water your plants.

(laughter)

Hi, hello. Are you good?

Good.

Let me bring in your mail.

(laughter)

While you're gone.

Come on, please?

Let me bring in your mail?

There'll be so much mail in your mailbox while you're away.

Let me bring the mail in the house for you.

Come on...l'm already gonna be watering your plants.

(laughter)

Just say yes to me bringin' in your mail, please?

Don't look away -- look at me...

I honestly and sincerely would like to bring in your mail.

He's a good hard-workin' boy, let him bring in your mail.

(laughter)

Hey, look who's here.

Nice to see you again, you look great.

Let me sleep in your bed.

(laughter)

Don't shake your head, "no."

Let me sleep in your bed.

You're not even gonna be there.

Please let me... let me sleep in your bed?

Nothin' weinfs gonna happen.

I'll sleep in the exact same position as you sleep.

You can trust me.

I'll even wash the sheets before you come back.

Please?

Sweet Mother of God, what is the hold-up?!

Let the boy sleep in your damn bed!

He said he'd wash the sheetsl!

L'luh...-.»

(laughter)

Please don't make me wash the sheets.

(laughter)

He's a clean boy! Wash your own damn sheets!

For God sakesl!

(laughter)

Let me move in with yell, please?

(laughter)

When you come back home, don't make me leave...

mplease? Let me move in with you?

I'll push all my things into the corner.

That'll be my little area.

Please...? I won't bother you.

You don't even have to look at me.

Just let me move in with you, please?

I'd like an answer...

and I'd like that answer to be, "yes," please?

I've already slept in your bed.

If you didn't want me to move in, why'd you let me sleep in your bed?

Just let me move in with you, please?

Can we... stop this cruel game?!

And allow the boy to keep one shred of dignity?

For God sakes, I can't stand to see him in all this pain.

You vicious bastardsl!

Let him move in with you!

Is it so bad to see somebody happy?!

So just let him move in!

For the love of God,

Let the boy move in with youl!

Good Lord!

(laughter and applause)

I'm not gonna beg you.

My track record speaks for itself.

I'm confident you'll make the right decision.

(applause)

The Herlihy Boy House-Sitting Service.

Let's face it... he's coming over anyway.

(cheers and applause)

(music play)

(laughter)

(laughter)

(laughter)

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

(cheers and applause)

Oh, my God.

Oh, some flowers!

Smell!