Original subtitles

♪

♪

♪

Too long has farce

neglecting nature's laws

Debas'd the stage

and wronged the comic cause

To raise a laugh has been her sole pretence

Tho' dearly purchas'd at the price of sense

This child of folly gain'd increase with time

Fit for the place succeeded Pantomime

♪

Reviv'd her honours join'd her motley band

And song and low conceit o'erran the land

More gen'rous views inform our author's breast

[Giggles]

From real life his characters are dressed

He seeks to trace the passions of mankind

And while he spares the person

paints the mind

In pleasing contrast he attempts to show

the vap'ring Bully and the frib'ling Beau

Cowards alike

that full of martial airs

and this as tender as the silk he wears

[Applause]

[faint battle sounds in the distance]

The bard who's hopes on comedy depend

[explosion sound]

must strive instruction with delight to blend

While he who bounds his less aspiring views to farce

the combrush of the comic muse

with pleasantry alone may fill the scene

His business chiefly this to cure the spleen

To raise the pensive mind from grave to gay

and help to laugh our thoughtful hour away

♪

♪

"Dearest darling Rhodophil

my love for you remains fixed and ardent

These long six months past since your being called away

have weighed heavy in my heart

My ears tingle my face flushes

my heart beats

and I tremble every jot of me

until your return"

Puff what news from the Commander?

Oh it should just be one more

final push to break the line Sir

[Sighs]

Pray Sir may I be so bold

♪ [horns in the distance]

Pick up your flats and sharps Puff

we must have at them

♪

♪

[battle sounds]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Proud to divert

not anxious for renown

oft has our Bard essay'd to please the town

Your full applause outpaid his little art

he boasts no merit but a grateful heart

Pronounce your doom he'll patiently submit

ye sovereign judges of all works of wit

To you the ore is brought a lifeless mass

you give the stamp

and then the coin may pass

Boo Boo

[Grunts]

[Applause]

♪

This is the place we were directed to

and now Puff if I can get no intelligence of her

what will become of me?

And me too Sir

Why did you leave the Army so abruptly

and not give me time to fill my knapsack

with the common necessaries?

I was wild to get away and as soon as I obtained

my leave of absence I thought every moment

an age till I returned to the place where

I first saw this young

charming

innocent bewitching creature

With fifteen thousand pounds to her fortune

strong motives I must confess

But pray Sir did you take fire before

you knew of her fortune?

Before upon my honour

Folly and constitution but on Sir

Now we are gotten to the place of action

propose your plan of operation

My father lives but in the next street so I must

decamp immediately for fear of discoveries

but you are not known to be my servant

therefore make what inquiries you can in the neighbourhood

and I shall wait at the inn for your intelligence

I'ller patrol hereabouts

and examine all who pass

ah but ah Sir I've I've

forgotten her name erm Miss Biddy

Belair Miss Biddy Belair

A woman of wit beauty

and fifteen thousand pounds of fortune

Oh but Sir? What Puff?

If it pleases you to consider I had a wife

in town whom I left somewhat abruptly half a year ago

You'll think it but decent I believe

Pr'ythee don't distract me a moment's delay

is of the utmost consequence

I must insist upon an immediate compliance

with my commands

♪

The devil is in these fiery young fellows

♪

Let me acquaint you with the particulars of his passion

When the Captain left the University

which is seven months since

his father who loves his money better than his son

would not settle a farthing upon him

Instead he purchased him a pair of colours at

my masters own request

But before he joined Thank you

Before he joined his regiment which was going abroad

he took a ramble into the countryside with

a fellowcollegian to see a relative of his

who lived in Berkshire

He was introduced to the family by the name of

Rhodophil?

I assure you Bob Miss Biddy Belair is a young

woman of sensible vivacity and fanciful ideals

Why Rhodophil?

You may not have noticed Bob but since her arrival here

she has done only two things

shot timid glances in your direction

and had her nose firmly planted in

Marriage a La Mode

[Giggles]

Rhodophil it is

Miss Felicity Fettiplace your servant

William I believe you've met my friend

Miss Biddy Belair Enchanted

May I introduce my good friend Rhodophil

Oh [Laughs]

The Captain took fire at once and

vowed eternal constancy

Rhodophil?

What a coincidence William

♪

At the end of three weeks he was obliged to attend

the call of honour in Flanders

[Gun fire]

♪

♪

As soon as he was given leave of absence

the Captain left the army to fulfil his promise

of returning to Miss Biddy at the first opportunity

We did so but we found the house shut up

and all the information we could get was that

Miss and her aunt were removed to town and

live somewhere near this part of it

Get here

[gate squeaks open]

Who's that?

My old acquaintance Jasper?

What Puff

Are you here? My dear friend

Still easy and happy

Toujours le meme

What intrigues now?

What girls have you ruined since you and I used

to beat up together?

Business has been very brisk during the war

Men are scarce you know

not as I can say I ever wanted amusement

in the worst of times

But harkye Puff

Oh shhh not a word aloud

I am incognito

Why faith I should not have known you if you had

not spoke first I should say you are a little

dishabille too as well as incognito

Are you from the wars?

Piping hot I can assure you Jasper

and smoke will tarnish

Men that go into such service as I have been in

will find their clothes a little worse for wear

But how is it with you?

You still serve I see?

I suppose you live in that house there?

Oh I don't absolutely live

but I am most of my time there

I have within these two months entered into

the service of an old gentleman who hired a

reputable servant and dressed him as you see

because he has taken it into his head to fall in love

Oh false appetite and second childhood

Pr'ythee what's the object of his passion?

No less a virgin with fifteen thousand pounds

The toothless old dotard

And he mumbles and plays with her till his mouth waters

then he chuckles till he cries

and calls it his Bid and his Bidsy

Bidsy What is that?

Ah her name is Biddy

Miss Biddy Bellair Biddy Bellair

The same

To be sure I have no luck

Oh I have heard of her

But is it settled? Is the marriage fixed?

Not absolutely

the girl I believe detests him

but her aunt a good prudent lady

has given her consent if he can gain her niece's

How it will end I can't tell

but I am hot upon't myself

The devil Not marriage I hope

Oh that is not yet determined

Who is the lady?

A maid in the same family

a woman of honour I assure you

She has one husband already

a scoundrel sort of fellow who has run away from her

and listed as a soldier so she hopes

towards the end of the campaign to have a

certificate he's knocked o'th' head

If not I suppose

we shall settle matters another way

Well speed the plough

But hark ye consummate without the certificate

Keep your neck out of the collar do

I have wore it these two years past and

damnably galled am I by it

I shall take your advice but I must run away

to my master who will be impatient for an answer

to his message

[Calling] If you have an hour you'll catch me at

George's or the TiltYard

Au Revoir as we say abroad

Thus we are as civil and as false as our betters

Jasper and I ever hated each other

yet we always kiss and shake hands

But now to my master with a head full of news

and a heart full of joy

♪

Angels and Ministers of Grace defend me

It can't be

♪

It is that fretful porcupine

My wife What shall I do?

I'll try to avoid her

It must be him

I'll swear to the rogue at a miles distance

he either has not seen me

or won't know me

I sweat I tremble

She comes upon me

Pray good sir

if I may be so bold

I have nothing for you good woman

pr'ythee leave me be

If your honour pleases to look this way

Ha ha

This kingdom is overrun with beggars

I suppose the last I gave to has sent this one

But I I have no more loose silver about my person

Pr'ythee away with you

I can hold no longer

[Gasps]

Oh you villain you

Where have you been scoundrel?

Here watch watch

Zounds I shall have my pockets picked

Own me this minute hang dog and confess everything

or by the rage of an injured woman

I'll raise the neighbourhood throttle you

and send you to Newgate

Amazement

What my own dear Tag

Oh come to my arms

and let me press thee to my heart

which pants for thee and only thee

my one true and lawful wife

Tell me rascal

why you left me and where you have been these six months?

We'll save my adventures for our happy winter evenings

And all I'll say for now is that my heart

beat so strong in my country's ca

You left me to starve villain and beg my bread

I left too little too hastily I must confess

and often has my conscience stung me for it

But I am gotten into an officer's service

have been in some actions

gained some credit by my behaviour

and am now returned with my master

to indulge in the gentler passions

Don't think to fob me off with this nonsensical talk

what have you brought me home beside?

Hmm

Honour and

immoderate love

Oh I could tear your eyes out

Temperance or I walk off

Temperance

traitor temperance?

What can you say for yourself?

Leave me to the wide world

Why I have been in the wide world too

What would the woman have?

Reduce me to the necessity of going to service

Why I have been in service to huh?

Your lord and master

Come where dost thou live

hereabouts?

Give me a kiss and tell me

where I may pay my duty to thee

There I live at that house

What that house there?

Yes there that house Ha ha Huzzah

We're made forever you slut you

Huzzah

Prepare for an inundation of joy

My master is in love

with your Miss Biddy

over head over ears and she with him

Now I know she is courted by some old fumbler

and the aunt is not against the match but my master

must marry the lady and the old gentleman

may go to the devil

Heyday

Say no more the dice are thrown

Go to your mistress

tell her Rhodophil will be with her immediately

now if the blood does not mount to her face like

quicksilver in the weatherglass and

point to extreme hot believe the whole thing a lie

and your husband no politician

Hold Tag

I had forgot

How does Mr Jasper do?

Mr Jasper?

Oh What out of countenance?

Oh fie Speak on

And er the certificate when comes that?

Are you not a jade?

Are you not a Jezebel? Aren't you a

O ho temperance

Or I walk off

Tag where are you Tag?

My old lady calls away to your master

and I'll prepare his reception within

Shall I bring the certificate?

Go you graceless rogue you richly deserve it

♪

♪

Who was that man you were talking to Tag?

Oh a a a cousin of mine Madam

that has brought me some news of my Aunt in the country

Where's my niece?

Why are you not you with her?

She she bid me leave her alone Madam

She's so melancholy I don't know what's come over her

The thoughtfulness that is natural upon the approach

of matrimony generally occasions a decent concern

And do you think Madam

a husband of threescore and five

Hold Tag he protests to me he is but

five and fifty

Well he is a rogue Madam and an old rogue

and a fumbling old rogue

Alas Youth or age 'tis all one to her

she is all simplicity without experience

I should prefer a large jointure to a small one

that's all I would not force her inclinations

but she's so innocent she won't know the difference

Innocence

Ne'er trust to that Madam

Oh 'tis impossible that Biddy should have desires

she's but newly come out of the country

I have observed she does not eat

nor she does not sleep

She sighs and she cries and

well she loves moonlight

These I take it are very strong symptoms

Ha

They are very unaccountable

I must confess

but you speak from a depraved mind Tag

hers is simple and untainted

She'll make him a cuckold though for all that

if you force her to marry him

You shock me with your coarse expressions

I tell you her chastity will be her guard

Chastity

Never trust to that Madam

Get her a husband that's fit for her and

I'll be bound for her virtue

Well Tag

the child shall never have reason to repent of my severity

I was going to my lawyer's to speak about

the articles of marriage but I will put a stop to 'em

now for some time

'til we can make further

discoveries

Heaven will bless you for your goodness

I'll set my pump at work and draw something

from her before your return I warrant you

♪

Oh how unfortunate a poor girl am I

I dare not tell my secrets to anybody

and if I don't I'm undone

Oh heigho

♪

Tag

♪

Pray Tag is my aunt gone to her lawyer's about me?

Heigho

Oh what's that sigh for my dear young mistress?

I didn't sigh not I

Nay never gulp 'em down they are the worst things

you can swallow

There's something in that little heart of yours and

will burst it at last if you don't give it vent

What would you have me tell you Tag?

You are afraid I'll betray you

but I may do you some service you little think of

It is not in your power Tag to give me what I want

Not directly perhaps

but I may be the means of helping you to it

as for example if you should not like to marry the old man

your aunt designs for you one might find a way to break

His neck Tag?

Or the match either will do

Oh indeed

I shouldn't care which so long as I was clear of him

But I don't think I'm fit to be married

To him you mean

You have no objection to marriage but the man

and I applaud you for it

But come courage miss

never keep it in out with it all

If you'll ask me any questions I'll answer 'em

but I can't tell you anything of myself

I shall blush if I do

Well then in the first place

pray tell me Miss Biddy Bellair

if you don't like somebody better

than old Sir Simon Loveit?

Heigho

What's Heigho Miss?

Oh when I say Heigho it means yes

Oh very well

And this somebody is a young handsome fellow?

Heigho [Giggles]

And if you were once his you'd be as merry

as the best of us? Heigho

Now help me out Tag as fast as you can

When did you hear from your gallant?

Oh never since he went to the army

How so?

I was afraid the letters would fall into my aunt's hands

so I would not let him write to me

besides I had a better reason then

Let's hear that too

Why I thought if I should write to him and promise him

to love nobody else and should afterwards

change my mind well he might think I was inconstant

and call me a coquette

What a simple innocent it is

And have you changed your mind Miss?

No indeed Tag

I love him the best of any of 'em

Of any of 'em

[Laughs]

Why have you any more?

Pray don't ask me

Nay Miss if you only trust me by halves

you can't expect

Oh I'll trust you with everything

When we parted I grew melancholy

and so in order to divert me

I have let two others court me until he returns again

Is that all my dear?

Mighty simple indeed

One of them is a fine blustering man

His name is

Captain Flash the undefeated

I'm as well known at Covent Garden as the dial

I'll break a lamp I'll bully a constable

bam a justice or bilk a box keeper

with any man in the liberties of Westminster

Sa sa

[Laughs]

[Cries] [Laughs]

He is always talking of fighting and wars

We shall see him this afternoon for he pressed

strongly to come so I gave him leave

while my aunt's taking her afternoon's nap

And who is the other pray?

Quite another sort of man he speaks like a lady

for all the world and never swears as Mr Flash does

but wears nice white gloves and tells me

what ribbons become my complexion

♪

Pink becomes you very well my dear

A patch should always be worn thus

Billy Dimple a friend of mine

is a great maker of patches

Oh he recently informed me of a new French

dressmaker opening just across Bossum street

You must get your new gown made there

It is just next to the finest tea shop in London

Oh my dear let me look at your hands

Oh ha ha

What a fright

I must make you some of my homemade lavender oil

for your nails

And perhaps some rose water for the face?

Whenever I speak

he pats me so and cries 'the devil take me

miss Biddy but you'll be my perdition'

[Laughs]

Oh what a pretty creature

What do you call him pray?

His name is Fribble

We shall see him too

for by mistake I've appointed 'em at the same time

but you must help me out with them

Suppose your favourite should come too?

Well I shouldn't care what became of the others

What's his name?

It begins with an R

HO

I'll be hanged if it's not Rhodolphil

[Gasps] I am frightened at you

You are a witch Tag

I am so and

I can tell you your fortune too

Look into my face

The gentleman you love most in the world

will be at our house this afternoon

he arrived from the army this morning and

dies till he sees you

Is he come? Don't joke with me Tag?

Not to keep you longer in suspense you must know

the servant of your Strephon

by some unaccountable fate or other

is my lord and master

He has just been with me and told me of

his master's arrival and impatience

[Laughs]

Oh my dear dear Tag

you have put me out of my wits

I am all over a flutter

I shall leap out of my skin

Is he really come Tag?

I think I'm going to faint

I'd give the world I had put my pink and silver

robings on today

I assure you Miss you look charmingly

Do I indeed though?

I must go in and look myself in the glass this minute

[Laughs]

Yes she has it and deeply too

this is no hypocrisy

Not art but nature now performs her part

and every word's the language of the heart

♪

To find you still constant and to arrive at such

a critical juncture is the height of fortune and happiness

Nothing shall force me from you

and if I am secure of your affections

I'll stand him Madam

and give you every assurance you can ask

Everything goes on to our wish sir

I just now had a second conference with my old lady

and she was so convinced by my arguments

that she returned instantly to the lawyers

to forbid the drawing out of any writings at all

and she is determined never to thwart

Miss Biddy's inclinations and has left it to us to

give the old gentleman his discharge at the next visit

Shall I undertake the old dragon?

[Laughs]

If we have occasion for help we shall call for you

I expect him every moment

Therefore I tell you what Rhodophil

you and your man shall be locked in my bedchamber

until we have settled matters with the old gentleman

Do what you please with me

[Laughs]

You mustn't be impatient though

I can undergo anything with such a reward in view

one kiss and I'll be quite resigned

And now show me the way

♪

Come Sirrah

when I have you under lock and key

I shall bring you to reason

♪

Is your wedding dress ready my dove?

The certificate's come

Go follow your Captain Sirrah march

you may thank Heaven I had patience to stay so long

♪

[Laughs]

♪

[Sighs]

I find I love Rhodophil vastly

for though my other sparks flatter me more

I find can't abide the thought of them now

Hmm

What shall I do with my two gallants?

I must at least part with them decently

Hm

Oh Oh no

Suppose I were to

set them together by the ears?

Ha ha The luckiest thought in the world

For if they won't fight

as I believe they won't

I can part with them for being cowards

and very justly dismiss them my service

And if they will fight and one should be killed

well the other will surely be hanged

or run away and so I shall very handsomely

get rid of both

[Sighs] I am glad I have settled it so purely

Ooh Tag

Are they safe?

I think so the door's double locked and

I have the key in my pocket That's pure

But have you given them anything to divert them?

I have given the Captain one of you old gloves to mumble

but my Strephon is diverting himself with the

more substantial comforts of a cold venison pasty

What shall we do with the next that comes?

If Mr Fribble comes first I'll clap him

into your aunt's storeroom

Well I presume he is a great maker of marmalade himself

[Laughs]

♪

Beggin' your pardon Miss

Mr Fribble is below

Send him up

Aye Miss

Go you

♪

Go you and watch for the other

As soon as you see him run into us

and pretend it is my aunt

Then we shall have a just reason to lock Fribble up

until we want him You may depend upon me

♪

Ah

Mr Fribble your servant

Miss Biddy your slave

I should not have come upon you abruptly but an

accident happened that so discomposed me

that I had to go home again to take drops

Indeed you don't look well

I have set my maid to watch my aunt

so we may'nt be surprised by her

Your prudence is equal to your beauty Miss

and I hope your permitting me to kiss your hands will be

no impeachment of your understanding

Oh

Oh I hate the sight of him

I was afraid I should not have had the

pleasure of seeing you

pray let me know what accident you met with

and what's the matter with your hand?

I shan't be easy till I know

Well I vow Miss Biddy

you're a good creature

I'll muster up what spirits I have

and endeavor to tell you the whole affair

Thus it was

You must know Miss

there is not an animal in the creation

I have so great an aversion to

as a Hackney coach fellow

As I was coming out of my lodgings

says one of 'em to me

[Gruff manly voice] Would your honour have a coach?

"No man" said I "not now"

with all the civility imaginable

I'll carry you

[Gruff manly voice] and your doll too

Miss Margery for the same price

[Laughs]

Upon which the masculine beasts about us fell alaughing

I turned round in a great

passion

"Curse me" says I

"fellow but I'll trounce thee"

And as I was holding out my hand

in a threatening posture thus

[Giggles]

he takes a cut at me

with his whip

Ha [Laughing] [Whip snaps]

And striking me over the nail of my little finger

he gave me such

exquisite torture that I fainted away

And while I was in this condition the mob

picked my pocket of my purse my scissors

my mocoa smelling bottle and my huswife

[Laughs] I shall laugh in his face

I am afraid you are in great pain

pray sit down Mr Fribble

I do hope your hand is in no danger

Not in the least Ma'am

pray don't be apprehensive

A milkpoultice a gentle sweat tonight

with a little manna in the morning

I am convinced I shall be fully restored

But pray Mr Fribble do you make use of a huswife?

I can't do without it Ma'am

there is a club of us all young bachelors

the sweetest society in the world

and we meet at each others lodgings three times a week

where we drink tea hear the chat of the day

invent fashions for the ladies

make patterns and cut 'em out in paper

We were the first

inventors of knotting

[nervous laugh]

And this fringing is the original produce and

joint labour of our little community

And who are in your pretty set pray?

There's Phil Whiffle Jacky Wagtail

my Lord Trip ha ha

Billy Dimple Sir Dilberry Diddle

and your humble

What a sweet collection of happy creatures

Indeed Miss and so we are

But a prodigious fracas

disconcerted us somewhat

on our visitingday at Billy Dimples

Three drunken naughty women of the town

burst into our club room

[Laughing]

broke six looking glasses

scalded us with the slop basin and scratched

poor Phil Whiffle's cheek in such a manner

that he has kept his bed these three weeks

Indeed Mr Fribble

I think all our sex have great reason to be angry

for if you are so happy now you are bachelors

the ladies may wish and sigh

to very little purpose

Ooh you are greatly mistaken indeed

for I am prodigiously rallied about my

passion for you I can tell you that

and am thought of as practically lost

to our society already ha

Pray Mr Fribble now you have gone so far

don't think me impudent if I long to know

how you intend to use the lady who shall be honoured

with your affections?

Not as most other wives are used

I assure you

For all the domestic business shall be taken

off her hands I shall make the tea

comb the dogs dress the children myself

if I should be blessed with any

[nervous laugh]

For that though I'm a commoner

Mrs Fribble will lead the life of a woman of quality

for she will have nothing to do but

lie in bed play at cards

scold the servants

What a happy creature she must be

Do you really think so?

Then pray let me have a little

serious talk with you

Though my passion is not of long st

[Laughing]

Go you wild thing

The devil take me but there is no talking to you

Why what would you do with me Mr Fribble?

Well I vow I'll beat you if you talk so

Don't look at me in that manner

I could

but I won't grow indecent

Hm But pray Sir

where are the verses you were to write upon me?

I find if a young lady is to depend too much upon

such fine gentlemen as yourself

she'll certainly be disappointed

I vow the flutter I was put into this morning

has quite turned my senses

But here they are and I believe you'll like 'em

There can be no doubt of it

Oh my dear creature

who dressed your head this morning?

They have made a fright of you

When we are settled I shall dress your head myself

Pray read the verses to me Mr Fribble

Ooh I obey

[Nervous laugh clears his throat]

Oh

William Fribble Esq

to Miss Biddy Bellair

greeting [nervous laugh]

[sighs]

No

ice so cold

so hard as I

Till warmed and

softened by your eye

and now my heart dissolves away

in dreams by night and sighs by day

oh

no brutalpassion

fires my breast which loathes

the object when possessed

but one gentle

harmless kind

who's joys are centered

in the mind

[nervous laugh]

So take with me

loves better part

his downy wing

but not his dart

How do you like 'em?

[Laughing] Very pretty I must confess

but I don't quite understand 'em

These light pieces are never so

well understood in reading

as in singing

I have set 'em myself

and shall endeavor to give 'em to you

[nervous laugh]

Ah ahhaha

[Clears his throat]

♪ La la

I have an abominable cold and can't sing a note

However the tunes nothing the manner's all

Your aunt Ah

Your aunt your aunt Madam

WhwhWhat's the matter?

Hide Mr Fribble Tag or we're all ruined

For heaven's sake put me anywhere so

I don't dirty my clothes

Put him in the storeroom Tag

Is it a damp place Mrs Tag?

The floor is boarded I hope

Indeed it is not Sir

Well I shall certainly catch my death

In

Well I need my cambric handkerchief and

my smelling salts In

I shall certainly have my hysterics

In

[crashing]

Was my aunt coming?

No 'twas Mr Flash I suppose

by the length of his stride

[Laughs]

He'll be here this minute what shall we do with him?

I'll manage him I'll warrant you

and try his courage

be sure you are ready to second me

we'll have pure sport [Laughs]

♪ Bumbumbumbum Hush Here he comes

♪ [humming]

Well my blossom here am I

What hopes for a poor dog eh

How The maid here

Then I've lost the town dammee

Not a shilling to bribe the governor

she'll spring a mine and I shall be blown to the devil

Don't be ashamed Mr Flash I have told Tag

the whole affair she is my friend I can assure you

Is she? Then she won't be mine I am certain

Well Mrs Tag

you know I suppose what's to be done:

This young lady and I have contracted ourselves and so

if you to please to stand bridemaid

why we'll fix the wedding day directly

The wedding day Sir? The wedding day Sir?

Ay Sir the wedding day Sir what have you to say

to that Sir?

My dear Captain Flash don't make such a noise

you'll wake my aunt

And suppose I did child what then?

She'd be frightened out of her wits

At me Miss frightened at me?

Tout au contraire I assure you you mistake the thing child

I have some reason to believe I am not

quite so shocking

[Laughs]

Indeed Sir you flatter yourself

But pray Sir

what are your pretensions?

The lady's promises my own passion

and the best mounted blade in the three kingdoms

If any man can produce a better title

let him have her if not

the devil mince me if I give up an atom of her

He's in a fine passion if he would but hold it

Pray Sir here reason a little

I never do Madam it is not my method of proceeding

here's my logic Sa sa

Oh [Laughs]

My best argument is cart over arm ha ha

And if he answers that Madam

through my small guts my breath

blood and mistress are all at his service

nothing more Madam

[Laughs] This'll do

But Sir?

I profess blood Madam I was bred up to it from a child

I study the book of fate and the camp is my university

I have attended the lectures of Prince Charles

on the Rhine and Bathiani upon the Po

Extracted knowledge from the mouth of a cannon

I'm not to be frightened with squibs Madam

No no

My dear Captain Flash let me prevail with you to

go away this time your passion is very fine to be sure

and when my Tag and my aunt are out of the way

I'll let you know when you can come again

Come again Madam? And suppose I never would come again

what do you think of that now huh?

You pretend to be afraid of your aunt

your aunt knows what's what too well to refuse

a good match when it's offered Lookee Miss

I'm a man of honour glory's my aim

I have told you the road I am in and do you see here

child no tricks upon travelers

[Laughs]

Mr Flash don't be so furious

Come come come few words are best

somebody's happier than somebody and I'm a poor

silly fellow ha ha that's all

Ah look you child

to be short

for I'm a man of reflection

I have but a bagatelle to say to you

I am in love with you up to hell and desperation

may the sky crush me if I am not

But since there is another more fortunate than I

adieu Biddy

Prosperity to the happy rival patience to poor Flash

But the first time we meet gun powder be my perdition

but I'll have the honour to cut a throat with him

You may meet him now if you please

Now may I

Where is he?

I'll sacrifice the villain

Hush He's but in the next room

Is he?

Ram me into a mortar piece but I'll have vengeance

my blood boils to be at him

Don't be frightened Miss

I was never better pleased I assure you

I'll fetch the gentleman immediately

Stay a little what a passion I am in

Are you sure he's in the next room?

I shall certainly tear him to pieces

I would fain murder him like a gentleman too

Besides this family shan't be brought into

trouble on my account

I have it

I'll look for him in the street and mix his blood

with the puddle of the next kennel

No Mr Flash let me see the battle

I shall be glad to see you fight for me

Pray let me see you fight there were two gentlemen

fit yesterday and my Mistress

was never so diverted in her life

I'll go fetch him out

Do stick him stick him Captain Flash

I shall love you the better for it

Damn your love I wish I were out of the house

Oh here he comes

Now say some of your hard words

and run him through

[chatter]

Take it on my word he is a bully

and nothing else

I know you are my good friend but perhaps

you don't know his disposition

I am confident he is a coward

Is he?

Then I'm his man

I like his looks but I'll not venture too far at first

Speak to him Sir I will

Sir I understand

by way of Mrs Tag here Sir

whom you sent Sir to inform me Sir

that you would be glad to speak with me

Damnation

Sir I can speak to you or to anybody Sir

Or I can let it alone and hold my tongue

if I see occasion Sir dammee

Well said Mr Flash

[Whispering to him] Now be in a passion

Don't mind his looks he changes colour already

To him to him

Don't hurry me Mrs Tag

I shall be out of my breath before I begin if you do

Sir

if you cannot speak to a gentleman in another manner

why then I'll venture to say

you had better hold your tongue oons

Sir you and I are of different opinions

You and your opinion may go to the devil take that

[Laughs]

♪

Well said Sir the day's your own

What's the matter Mr Flash?

Is all your fury gone?

Do you give me up? Give you up Madam

No Madam

When I am determined in my resolutions I am always calm

'tis our way Madam

And now I shall proceed to business

Sir Oh

Villain renounce all right and title this minute

or the very torrent of my rage shall overflow my reason

and I shall annihilate the very nothingness of your soul

in an instant

I wish there was a constable at hand to take us both up

we shall certainly to each other a prejudice

No you won't indeed Sir

Pray bear up to him if you would but draw your

sword and be in a passion he would run away directly

Will he?

Then I can no longer contain myself

Ah

Hell and furies

Come on thou savage brute

Come on Go on

Come on rascal Go on Sir

[Laughs]

What's the matter my dear?

If you won't fight here's one that will

Rhodolphil these two sparks are your rivals

and have been pestering me these past two months

with their addresses

They have forced themselves into the house

and have been quarreling over me

and disturbing the family

if they won't fight pray

will you kick 'em out of the house

What's the matter gentlemen?

Pray don't part us Sir

Ah pray Sir don't part us we shall do you a mischief

Puff look to the gentleman and call a surgeon

Bless me

How can he stand under his wounds Sir?

Am I hurt Sir? I Hurt Sir

Why pray let me look at you in the light

[Gasps] You have three through the heart

[Laughs]

And several through the small guts

Come make it up a round dozen and then we'll part you

Come here Puff

[whispers]

'Tis the very same Sir

Pray Sir have not I had the pleasure of

seeing your face abroad? I have served abroad

Had not you the misfortune Sir

to be missing at the last engagement at Flanders?

I was found among the dead upon the field of battle

Oh he he was amongst the first that fell

The wind of the cannon ball hit him flat upon the face

he had just enough strength to creep

into a ditch where he was found in the most

deplorable condition

Pray Sir what advancement

did you get by the service of that day?

My wounds rendered me unfit for service and

I sold out

Stole out you mean

We hunted him by scent to the waterside

thence he took shipping for England and

taking advantage of my master's absence

has attacked his citadel which thankfully

we are come to in time to relieve

and drive His Honour into the ditch again

And now Sir

how have you dared to show your face again in open day

or wear even the outside of a profession you have

so much scandalized by your behaviour?

I honour the name of soldier

and as a party concerned am bound not to see it disgraced

as you have forfeited your title to honour

deliver up your sword this instant

Nay good Captain No words Sir

He's a sad scoundrel

I wish I had kicked him

The next thing I command

leave this house

change the colour of your clothes

and the fierceness of your looks

[Laughs]

Appear from top to toe the wretch

the very wretch thou art

Or if you put on looks that belie the native

baseness of thy heart be it where it will

this shall be the reward of thy impudence

and disobedience

[Laughs]

♪

Oh my dear Rhodophil

Ah

What an infamous rascal it is

I thank you Sir for this favour

but I I must after and cane him

Ah

Er one word with you too Sir

With me Sir?

You need not tremble I shan't use you roughly

I am certain of that Sir

but I am sadly troubled with weak nerves

[nervous squeal]

Thou art too despicable for correction

therefore be gone and if I see you here again

your insignificancy shan't protect you

I am much obliged to you for your kindness

[nervous laugh]

Ah

But if ever I have anything to do with intrigues again

[Laughing]

Er shall I er relieve you of your trophy Sir?

Take it Puff as some small recompense for

thy fidelity thou can'st better use it than its owner

Pray Mr Fox how did you get out of your hole?

I thought you was locked in

I shot the bolt back when I heard a noise

and thinking you were in danger

broke my confinement without any other consideration

than your safety

Biddy Oh Biddy

The old man run in run in

♪

Sir Simon Ma'am

Biddy

Where have you been Biddy?

Jasper and I have been knocking as loud and

as long as we were able

What were you doing child?

Reading part of a play to Tag

Ah what play moppet?

The Old Bachelor we'd just got to the part of

Old Nykyn when we heard you calling

Fie fie child

I've never heard you talk at this rate before

I'm afraid you Tag have put these things into her head

I Sir? I vow Sir Simon

she knows more than you can conceive

She surprises me I assure you though I have

been married these two years and

lived with bachelors most part of my life

Do you hear Jasper?

I'm all over in a sweat

Pray Miss had not you had

company here this afternoon?

I saw a young fop go out of the house as

I was coming hither

You might have seen two Sir Simon

if your eyes had been good

Do you hear Jasper?

Sure the child is possessed

And what did they want here I pray?

Me sir They wanted me

And what did they want with you I say?

Why what do you want with me sir?

Do you hear Jasper? I

Tell me the reason why I say?

I'll tell you the reason why if you please Sir Simon

Miss you know is a very silly young girl

[laughs]

and having found out Heaven knows how

that there is some little difference between

65 and 25 well she's ridiculous enough

to go with the latter

When if she'd taken my advice

You're right Tag she would take me? Eh?

Yes Sir as the only way to have both for

if she marries you the other will follow of course

Do you hear Jasper?

'Tis very true Sir Simon from my knowing no better

I have set my heart upon a young man

and a young one I'll have

There have been three here this afternoon

Three Jasper

And they have been quarreling over me

and one has beat the other two

Now Sir Simon

if you take up the conqueror

and kick him as he has kicked the other two

you shall have me as your reward

and my fifteen thousand pounds into the bargain

What says my hero now? Hey?

The world's at an end Jasper

What's to be done?

Pack up and be gone

Don't fight the match Sir

No blood and sweat cannot bear it

I'm all over agitation

Where's your aunt you young cockatrice?

I'll let her know she is a base woman

and you are

And you are in a fine humour to show your valour

Tag go and fetch the Captain this minute

while Sir Simon's warm

and let him know he is waiting here to cut his throat

[Laughs]

I locked him in my bed chamber until you arrived

Ooh Here's an imp of darkness

What would I give that my son Bob was here to thrash

her spark while I ravished the rest of the family

I believe we had best retire Sir

No no no no I must stay and see her bully first

and do you hear Jasper if I put him in a passion

do you knock him down

Pray keep your temper Sir No

Now What is the meaning Sir?

♪

Alas 'Tis my father

I am enchanted

What's all this?

Your humble servant Captain FireBall

You're welcome back from the wars noble Captain

I did not think I would have the pleasure of being

knocked o'th'head or cut up alive

by so fine a gentleman

Well I am under such confusion Sir

I have not power to convince you of my innocence

Innocence Pretty lamb

So you have left the regiment and the

honourable employment of fighting for your country

to come home and cut your father's throat

His father Tag

Come 'tis soon done one stroke does it or

if you have any qualms let your squire there

perform the operation

Pray Sir don't throw such temptations in my way

Hold your impudent tongue

Why don't you speak Mr Modesty?

What is your excuse for leaving the army I say?

My affection to this lady sir

Your affection puppy

Our love has been long and mutual

What accidents happened since my going abroad

and her leaving the country and how I have most

unaccountably met you here I am a stranger to

But whatever appearances may be I still am

and ever was your dutiful son

He speaks like an angel Tag

Dutiful Sirrah

Have you not rivaled your Father?

No Sir you have rivaled me

My claim must be prior to yours

Indeed Sir Simon he does hold the best title to me

Sir Sir the young gentleman speaks well and

as the fortune will not go out of the family

I would advise you to drop your resentment

be reconciled with your son

and relinquish the lady

Ay

I do so with all my heart

Lookee son I give you up the girl

she's too much for me I confess

And take my word Bob

you'll catch a Tartar

I assure you Sir Simon I'm not the person

you take me for

If I have treated you anyways ill it was for

your son's sake who had my promises and

inclinations before you and though I believe

I should have made you a most uncomfortable wife

I shall be the best daughter to you in the world

[Laughs]

And if you stand in need of a lady

my aunt is disengaged

Oh no no thank you child

you have so turned my stomach against marriage

I have no appetite left

But Bob I wish you joy

Hold a little gentlemen and ladies

Everyone here seems satisfied but me

What's the matter Puff?

Sir as I would prove worthy of such a master

and the name of soldier I cannot put up with the

least bit of injury to my honour

Hey day What flourishes are these?

Here's the man Come forth caitiff

He hath confessed to me this day that he had

taken freedoms with my lawful wife

and had dishonourable intentions toward my bed

and I demand satisfaction

Why the fellow's brain's turned

And cracked too Sir

Come come I'll settle your punctilios

and take care of you and Tag hereafter

provided you drop all animosities

and shake hands this moment

My revenge gives way to my interest

Sir you are my master's father and I submit

And Jasper

I once again take you in to my bosom

I'm your friend again Puff

[whispers] But harkye I fear you not

[Louder] And if you'll lay aside your steel there

I am at your service to demand

You are very good at crowing indeed

Mr Jasper

But let me tell you the fool that is rogue enough

to brag of a woman's favours

must be a dunghill every way

And as for you my dear husband

show your manhood in the proper place

and you need not fear these sheepbiters

Come Bob let us celebrate your wedding

And I shall drink a halfpint bumper

Come along everyone

♪

♪

Good folks I'm come at my young Lady's bidding

to say you are all welcome to her wedding

Th'exchange she made

what mortal can here blame?

Show me the maid that would not do the same?

For sure the biggest Monster ever seen

is the doting Sixty coupled to Sixteen

Thus may each maid

the toils almost entrapped in

[Knocks] Answer the door

change old Sir Simon for the brisk young Captain

♪

I love these men of arms

they know their trade

Let dastards sue

these sons of fire invade

♪

They cannot bear around the bait to nibble

like pretty powder'd patient Mr Fribble

♪

To dangers bred and skilful in command

they storm the strongest fortress sword in hand

♪

Nights without sleep [crying]

and floods of tears when waking

showed poor Miss Biddy was in piteous taking

♪

She's now quite well

for maids in that condition

find the young lover is the best physician

♪

And without helps of art

or boast of knowledge

they cure more women faith

than all the college

♪

[church bells]

♪

[church bells]

Sir Simon the tincture for your gout

as requested Sir Simon

Quiet man Away away

I intend to retire to Bath for the season sir

I keep a place in the royal crescent

Heyday Madam

I too intend to spend some time in Bath

If by accident you should find yourself

on Blowbladder street

I will bear it in mind

Alas of course

What pleasure can bring a woman of your fine tastes there?

Upon my word you are a pretty parcel

So would you accept a kiss to keep you in mind?

Oh faith I never met such an impudent fellow

My word Miss Felicity

I cannot believe you would deny me this triumph

I am all too well aware of the duplicitous manner in

which Bob won my young friend's affections

He is a rogue of your stamp

Am I forever to be an object of your ridicule?

If fortune smiles

[arguing]

Mr Flash?

Captain Flash

Insufferable fool

He's a crusty fellow

Perhaps we could find somewhere we could er

quietly retire? For shame now

[Cheering]

They're coming

[Cheering] They're coming

Oh huzzah

Huzzah

[Laughs]

I'm afraid the town will be illnatured enough

to think I've been a little

coquettish in my behaviour

but as I've been constant to the Captain

I hope I'll be excused diverting myself

with pretenders

Ah huzzah Huzzah [Applause]

[Laughter applause]

[Cheering]

Ladies to fops and braggarts ne'er be kind

No charms can warm 'em

and no virtues bind

Each lover's merit

by his conduct prove

Who fails in honour

shall be false in love

[Cheering applause]

[Applause]

The huge tall hangman stands to give his blow

and only waits your pleasures

ay or no

If you should pit

box and gallery egad

Joy turns his senses

and the man runs mad

But if your ears are shut

your hearts are rock

and if you pronounce the sentence

block to block

down kneels the bard

and leaves you when he's dead

The empty tribute

of an author's head

♪