Original subtitles

- Daddy, do I have to watch this? - Yes, you do.

As your father, when I find something of quality...

...I feel it's my responsibility that my child reap the benefits.

TV is not all trash.

And now, back to Psycho Dad.

A little touched Or so we're told

He killed his wife Because she had a cold

- Might as well, she was getting old - Getting old

Psycho Dad Psycho Dad

Psycho Dad

He's quick with a gun And his job ain't done

Killed three wives by 21 He's Psycho Dad

This is why we must give to PBS.

Oh, I'm so sick.

Can someone get me some water?

You know where the kitchen is.

Or maybe you don't.

Daddy, she is sick. She needs help.

Mom, the kitchen's over there somewhere.

All right, fine. Be that way.

But I hope you realize, the longer I stay sick...

...the longer it'll be before I do any housework around here.

Oh, gee, Peg.

But we can still have sex, can't we?

Mom, Dad, Grandma.

A weird thing happened to me at school.

My English teacher, Miss McGowen, she was looking at me.

She looked right at you? Is she all right?

Listen, Craftmatic Adjustable Girl...

...I know the look.

I get it plenty as I parade the total package around town.

It's the look that says, "You've got it all and I want a piece of it."

I've seen that look a thousand times on a thousand faces.

And I saw it again today.

I'm not kidding. It was desire. Desire, I tell you.

Well, the great thing is that you're at your sexual peak.

This is it, Bud. "She looked at me."

Yeah, that was the top of the hill. The supreme moment.

Something to tell your cats about when you're 60.

You know, when you think they're looking at you, but they only want food.

You know, this is almost too sad to spread around the mall.

Yep, almost.

It is possible she looked at me. Isn't it, Dad?

Bud, didn't I take you to Little League when you were 8?

- Yes. - Then what do you want from me?

See, I told you he wouldn't have a date.

- Now go ahead and ask him. - All right.

Hey, we're on our way to Chuck E. Cheese...

...and we'd be honored if you'd go with us.

We don't want you to think that we're taking you somewhere out of pity.

- It's really a happening place, right? - Oh, yeah. As the kids say:

"It's uptight, out of sight, and everything'll be all right!"

You can pretend it's your birthday and we'll get you a Chuck E. Ducky.

It makes bath time fun.

What does it look like I am, the kid in Mask?

I am popular.

You get that, people? Popular.

Now can I get a "Whoa, Bud is popular"?

How about a "Whoa, shoot the boy"?

I see. Well, get a load of this.

Today at school, a teacher was looking at me like I was breakfast.

- What do you think of that, D'Arcy? - I think that deserves an extra topping.

She was looking at me. She was, she was.

She was looking at me like Mrs. D'Arcy used to look at me.

You mean like this?

Well, yeah, but it was even more bold with desire.

All right, a commercial's on now, I guess I have to get into this.

What are you people trying to do, ruin my boy's confidence?

Now, if he says a teacher looked at him, I say a teacher looked at him.

Son, was this a female teacher?

Yes, Dad.

- Seriously? - Yes.

All right, then, let's celebrate.

You sit right down here and you watch TV.

Listen, is that Chuck E. Cheese place good?

We were only going to do it for the boy because he was alone on Friday night.

Well, I'm alone on Friday night too.

Well, gee, Al, it's too bad that the Hair Club for Men isn't a real club, eh?

Take me to Chuck E. Cheese. You were gonna take Bud.

Don't make me beg. Come on.

Well, Bud, I guess it's just you and me.

My boy and his sick mother...

...who nursed you when you were a baby...

...who fed you and nurtured you and now all she asks for in return...

...is some soup from Jerry's and a burger from Don's...

...and a meatball hero from Tratatorio's...

...and a snow cone from Izzi's at the airport.

Mom, it's Friday night.

Oh, my mama

To me she was so beautiful

Oh, my mama

- Okay, okay, I'll go. - That's a good boy.

Get me some tampons too.

Of course.

Gee, Buck, no one loves you when you're sick.

Come give Mommy a kiss.

Coming next fall, Psycho Mom.

Who's that gal who needs no man

Killed him dead with a frying pan

Did it 'cause he missed the can

Psycho Mom Psycho Mom

She's Psycho Mom

- On Fox. - Naturally.

And your next quiz will be on the complete works of Edgar Allan Poe.

She may not be looking at me now, but she was too looking at me.

I just know it.

And why not? Lots of girls look at me.

I know she's looking at me.

Maybe everybody was right.

Why would Miss McGowen look at me?

Who cares? She's 40.

What would I want with a 40-year-old woman?

I want that.

I want that bad.

Class dismissed.

Except for you, Mr. Bundy.

What could this be?

I hope she didn't notice me staring obsessively at her legs.

Mr. Bundy, I've noticed you during class staring obsessively at my legs.

Well, at least she didn't catch me looking at other things.

And other things.

Gulp.

Your behavior, Mr. Bundy, has finally forced me to take action.

I understand, Miss McGowen. Do what you must.

Aspirin. Honey, give me an aspirin before I die.

Why me?

What about the old guy who lives in your room?

Well, if you mean Daddy, he's at Chuck E. Cheese.

He's been there every night this week.

Since he discovered that the pizza's free...

...if he just pretends to be with whatever kid's having a birthday party.

Well, I guess I have to start walking a little bit prouder now, eh?

- Give Mommy some aspirin, honey. - Sure, Mommy.

Hey, Bud, get Mom some aspirin. Everyone else has a date.

No, Kel, everyone has a date.

Is it hot in here or is it just me?

He's in a suit. Is there a funeral at school today?

Yes, 'tis the death of Bud Bundy, lonely boy...

...and the birth of Stud Bundy, only boy.

I have a date.

A date? Holy Hannah.

Hello, Reverend Felcher? Has hell frozen over?

Well, something's up.

My brother has a date. Yes, Bud.

I know. I know church is the place to be at times like this.

I'm coming right over.

Now, you're the building with the big T on top, right?

- Daddy, the sky is falling. - It would. Just when I start eating.

Peg, look at this. Look what I won playing Skee-Ball.

Actually, I was a couple tickets short so I copped a few...

...from a kid in a stroller who was too young to tell on me.

Yeah, he can point and cry, but let's see that hold up in court.

- Son, you gotta come with me. - Sorry, Dad, I can't...

...because I have two things you don't have: A date...

...and an ounce of pride.

Son, if you had an ounce of pride...

...you wouldn't lie to us about having a date.

That must be her now. A half hour early, I might add.

Well, who can blame her?

Sometimes I can't wait to touch myself either.

Well, you know what I mean.

I'm afraid we do.

Darlene?

I shall now leave you to your tissue-and cheese-infested lives.

Word is you've been dating Miss McGowen.

Yeah, well, I'd hate to deny her this.

Well, what about me?

I mean, I'd like to see you too.

Why? I mean, sure.

- Why? - Well, I can't help but think...

...you must be quite a lover if an older woman wants you.

Yeah, well, Miss McGowen... Dotty and I.

- we have this exclusive thing, you know...

..."Be true to your schoolmarm" and all that.

But then, I guess the old lady can wait for half an hour.

What are you doing?

Little Andy Goldstein's having a birthday.

Box is empty, but by the time he finds out, I'll be full and gone.

- Don't you care at all that I'm sick? - Well, of course I do, honey.

How do you want me to prove it? You want me to swim a river?

- Climb a mountain? Slay a dragon? - Bring me an aspirin.

Can't do it, babe. Gotta go to Chuck E. Cheese.

And that's another thing, Al.

I am tired of you coming to bed smelling of extra cheese.

I can't believe no one cares.

And now with Bud going out every night...

...there's never anyone here to take care of me.

Oh, come on, Peg.

Go on upstairs and I'll bring you some juice.

This time for real?

Just as soon as you're in bed.

- Well, I'm trusting you. - You won't be disappointed.

And if you are, I won't be here.

Bud, listen, your mother says she needs some juice...

...or an aspirin or something real bad.

- Dad, I'm too tired. - No pressure. Do it tomorrow.

I'm going out again tomorrow. In fact, I'm going out again tonight.

- Dad, I need to talk to you. - Son...

...you know I got the Goldstein affair tonight.

It'll only take a minute.

I've been seeing two women at once. It's wearing me out.

I don't know how to juggle two women.

Did you ever have this problem?

You're talking to old number 33.

You know how I got that number?

Because the most money you've ever had was 33 cents?

No! Because that's how many women deep the line was...

...to ride the wild Bundy.

Back in those days, everybody wanted a piece.

I had anyone to choose from.

But we don't always choose what's best for us.

And this two-women-juggling thing:

Eventually, the problem is they both fall down on you.

So save yourself some pain and pick one.

- What if I pick the wrong one? - Oh, you will.

No matter who you pick, it'll be the wrong one.

And not just because you're a Bundy, because you're a man.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta get to the party...

...before fat Billy Applebaum eats all my pizza.

He comes to every one of those damn parties. All us kids hate him.

Dad, did I mention one of these women was 40 and my teacher?

No, you did not.

I think she loves me, Dad.

Son, I say this not to hurt, but to educate.

You see, son, I'm afraid it may not be you she's after.

I'm afraid she might be after the vast Bundy fortune.

She wants everything we have!

Dad, I've seen the trunk of her car. She's got everything we have.

It's still not right.

Son, you got plenty of time to date 40-year-old women when you're 70.

No, wait, wait a minute. Make that 35 when you're 80.

Yeah, that feels more right to me.

Yep, that's what I want when I'm old:

A drool nurse with luscious honkers wiping my chin...

...shaking her heinie while she washes my dentures in the sink.

That's what keeps me going.

That and the 12 pizzas I've eaten in the last three days.

Thanks, Dad. Once again, you wow me with your wisdom.

But I've decided I'm keeping them both.

For once, a Bundy's gonna have it all.

I guess he'll have to learn for himself what a rock-solid relationship means.

Al, where's my orange juice?

Florida, I reckon.

Yup, two, two, two babes at once.

God, I envy me.

Hey, did you guys hear the news?

Miss McGowen's dating a student.

She ran off with a football player.

Yeah, she said he was the only one that could ever satisfy her.

No big thing.

That leaves me more time to give to the young babe.

Good news, babe. Now you got me all to yourself.

Drop dead.

If you can't satisfy an older woman like Miss McGowen...

...what the hell would I want with you?

Well, let's just see how you feel when the new teacher gets here.

I haven't seen a temp yet that didn't need a little loving.

I'm Mrs. A. Mariner...

...and I'll be the new teacher for the rest of the semester.

And then again, there's always Chuck E. Cheese with Dad.

Well, the great thing about being at the bottom is you can't fall any lower.

You cradle-robber!

You, you... Cher!

Maybe it can get worse.

Hey, look, it can.

I just lost control of my bladder.

I know what you want, "Miss Gabor."

You see that house and that Dodge...

...and say, "Some people live like this, why can't I?"

Well, you can't just take my son, have your way sexually with him...

...and not expect some repercussions from a concerned parent.

I played high school football. I know the score.

Son, are you really going out with this prune-face?

What strange hold do you have over the boy?

How many happy homes have you broken in your thousand years?

Sure, I know my boy is almost a virgin.

But you can no longer take advantage. I have called the proper authorities.

There she is. The strumpet with the blue hair.

I'll tell you something else. She lied about her age.

Last time she saw 40 was 1840.

I'm sorry I had to do that, son, but damn it, I love you!

Oh, Bud, Mommy's out of tampons.

Oh, yeah, that's what was missing.

Now, right off, I don't know that man.

You guys are probably thinking, because he called me son...

...that he was my Dad.

Wait a second. Maybe this is a dream. Yeah, that's it.

If this were really happening, I'd have to drop out of college.

I'll wake up any second.

Wake up, Bud.

Oh, I mean, can't you hear me crying?

Wake me up.

I know. I'll prove it's a dream.

I'll take down my pants...

... and it'll be so embarrassing, I'll wake up.

I'm even dreaming I ran out of underwear.

Oh, and son...