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How long are we gonna be gone, Mom?

Oh, until this thing blows over, honey.

Your father's wrath is gonna be just terrible.

Come on, Buck, what's keeping you?

I misplaced my dead bird, if you don't mind.

Look, we can get another dog on the road.

I just do not wanna be here when Daddy finds out the awful truth:

That we can no longer afford a TV Guide.

He just might run amok again.

I think we all remember the great toilet paper scare of '86.

Where was I?

Well, let's see, '86.

All your friends were discovering girls, so I believe...

...you were up in your room, trying to decide...

...which shirt goes with nothing to do.

You are lucky you weren't here.

The market ran out of Aurora white, and I had to buy the house brand.

I even put it in the old Aurora wrapping...

...but he knew at first touch.

God, it was terrible. Him running around...

...with his pants down around his ankles...

...screaming to the heavens.

That was the last bridge party I ever had.

They still talk about his great doodie strike...

...wherever fine toilet paper is sold.

I hear the sound of a muffler scraping ground. Dad's home.

What do we do? What do we do?

Just act calm.

I know. We'll put out an old TV Guide.

Maybe it'll buy us some time.

Maybe we're worried about nothing.

I mean, maybe he'll come home in a good mood.

Why doesn't the world die?

So far so good.

There was a fire in the mall today.

Twenty stores went up, but guess where they were able to stop the fire?

Yes, the shoe store.

So I don't get any days off, but I should be raking it in...

...because it's well known women love to tromp through burned-out malls...

...just to buy shoes that used to be cats from a guy that used to be a man.

All I wanna do is curl up on the couch with a nice TV Guide.

Oh, man, they put Starsky and Hutch back on the air.

Finally, my letters mean something.

The little dark-haired one got fat.

Oh, man, that's Roseanne.

What madness is this?

Honey, we have a confession to make.

They raised the cost of heating, and we can't afford to buy a new TV Guide.

See, he can deal with it.

Honey, it'll be okay. We could steal a newspaper and use their TV section.

Are you insane? It's not the same.

Does a newspaper fit snugly in your hands?

Does it jeer? Does it cheer?

Are there articles about William Conrad...

...and what he'll be doing on Circus of the Stars? I think not.

Now, look, for years the only reason we had heat was for the kids.

Now they're both over 18.

I say, let them freeze. I want my TV Guide.

Al, be reasonable. It's 79 cents a week.

I'm sorry, honey, here I thought it was a quarter.

Are you gonna throw a fit now, sweetie?

Yes, I am.

Well, kick some booty, honey.

How long have we got?

I'd say five, four... Come on, kids.

Three, two, one.

Oh, mighty one who created the heavens and the earth...

...and you who created my wife and kids...

...why doth thou torment me with a TV...

...but not a TV Guide to enjoy it with?

I have nothing.

Nothing, nothing.

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Excuse me, Mr. Woodpecker...

...but have you seen a middle-aged shoe salesman...

...with no reason to live?

Jefferson, do you have 79 cents?

Why, you paying off the house?

This is for a necessity. Now what do you say? Do you have 79 cents?

Nope. Nope, nothing but large-denomination bills.

I did have some quarters a few hours back...

...but I used them to feed the ducks.

If they eat enough of them, they sink.

Sometimes I name them first.

- It's good you have a hobby. - Yeah, well, I have no job.

- You gotta fill the hours, you know. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah, that's why I do the shoe thing.

Jefferson, let me ask you something, how come you always have money?

And I just have a 1972 TV Guide...

...which, if CBS hadn't brought back All in the Family, wouldn't be any use.

Well, there's no trick to it, Al.

Did you ever see the ad, "Madam Zelda can make you rich...

...with your personal lucky numbers"?

Madam Zelda sends you lucky numbers?

No. I'm Madam Zelda.

I sell the numbers.

- You? - Yeah.

How can you take money from unsuspecting people?

I'm a thief. Love me for what I am.

But this is just between us, right?

I'm a squealer.

Love me for what I am.

Or cut me in.

"Mr. Brown, your lucky day is Wednesday.

Signed, Madam Zelda."

Well, here's this morning's take.

How you doing, Al?

How am I doing? I got two TV Guides, baby.

Yeah. Got one on the table and one in the bathroom.

I'm rich. Oh, God, I've arrived. You know, I just love the feeling...

...of suddenly being able to provide for my family.

- So you told them? - Hell, no.

It's just good knowing I can provide for them.

- What if they find out? - How? They're morons.

They might suspect something, but how are they gonna catch me?

Bark, boy.

- AI. - You know, I may as well admit it...

...I'm the only smart one in the family.

I mean, we got a woman so lame...

...that she actually thinks when I groan during sex...

...it has anything to do with her.

And Bud wouldn't know the house was on fire...

...if it wasn't on Nick at Nite.

And the only reason that Kelly got a head is to keep rain out of her neck.

Hey.

But they are my family, and I really should tell them...

...because I do love them... If only they were home.

All right, Al, can it.

We just have three simple words for you.

We want in.

What's the third word, Mom?

Take Buck for a walk, honey.

Come on, boy, we're going for a walkie-walkie.

Now, look here, Al.

When I married you it was for richer or poorer.

Now I thought we would try one, then the other, and then choose.

Well, I believe we've gone just about as far as we can with poor.

So if you think that you are moving on to rich without me...

Without us.

Without me.

- Then you are cheaper and stupider than the shoes you sell.

Let me confab with my partner.

No, no, no.

Then they might go tell the cops, and we could both get in trouble.

Well, you owe me one, honey. I talked Jefferson into it.

You're in. Actually, it's a pretty good idea...

...because I'm thinking of expansion. - What kind of expansion?

The kind of expansion I'm thinking about will allow me...

...to dress my woman in ermines and pearls, like she deserves.

And I won't forget you either, Peg.

- Hello. - Hello.

Madam Zelda Incorporated. How may the stars help you?

Hello. Lucky days, $2.

Lucky numbers, $5.

Or you can get lucky with me for 50.

Well, let me consult my crystal ball.

It seems that your lucky day is Thursday.

Your husband died on Thursday?

Gee, I'm better than I thought.

The spirits are about to speak.

Your lucky number is C.

This is better than women, D'Arcy.

I mean, we are bigger than U.S. Steel.

We are not.

Well, the way the economy's going we just might be.

I don't like it. We should have kept it simple. You get in, you get out.

Like sex.

- Yeah. - You're just mad...

...because my father took over the operation.

We're making more in a week than we made in a month.

I'm worried about the attention we're attracting.

And most of all, I'm worried about your father. He's changed.

I can't put my finger on it, but he's different somehow.

Let it be noted the stars say I'm handsomer than yesterday.

Let's get those phones going.

I want to see lines lit. I want to see people fleeced.

Come on, my little fortune cookies, Daddy needs a new pair of everything.

- How we doing? - Everything's fine, but the West Side.

That's okay.

The West Side is Madam Inga's turf. And you don't wanna mess with her.

Damn Madam Inga and her army of psychic Swedes.

I want the West Side, I'll have the West Side.

I'll have all sides. Inside, outside, East Side, West Side.

Matter of fact, I'll have a hamburger with a side of onion rings...

...paid for by the pensions of old ladies.

Can I get a "whoa, stealing old ladies' pensions"?

- Whoa, stealing old ladies' pensions. - Whoa, stealing old ladies' pensions.

I can't believe your father has called together...

...the heads of Chicago's five psychic families.

I think the greed has finally sent him into insanity.

You don't talk about family business in front of strangers.

My father knows what he's doing.

Silence.

Put your hands together for the sultan of psychics...

...the king of clairvoyance, the Pharaoh of fraud.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's give him a big welcome.

He's my daddy, Al "Madam Zelda" Bundy.

You are my people.

I'd like to introduce now...

...the king of the Ouija boards on the South Side:

Big Bob Barruth.

My friends call me Huggie.

And the man who controls the palms on our North Shore, Zelmo the Toad.

I can kill with my tongue.

And the man who controls the crystals in the Loop:

- Mad Thursday Markowitz. - Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

And king of the tarots...

...who came all the way from southern Wisconsin:

- Hakbar the Beast. - I'll paint any car for $19.95.

And last, but not least...

...although by far the ugliest and hairiest...

...the virtuoso of the crystal ball:

Madam Inga.

The spirits tell me you have not bathed today...

...or yesterday.

Please, you could have heard that anywhere.

Friends and charlatans...

...our city is divided like a pizza with five different toppings.

The only thing holding it together in a cohesive unit is the cheese.

- Daddy, the crust too. - Leave Daddy alone, sweetheart...

...he's kingpinning.

So, what I'm trying to tell you is...

...we shouldn't be fighting each other like jackals...

...but instead come together under a benevolent cheese.

I am that cheese.

Oh, Al, the cutest thing just happened.

And here comes the anchovy no one wants to touch.

- What is it, Peg? - Honey, I got the sweetest letter.

This lady that I picked a lucky number for just won $12 at bingo.

Do you know what this means?

That in a room full of loons you still manage to stand out?

No. It means I really do have a gift.

Oh, Al, I've been touched.

Certainly not by me.

Now, I am serious, Al.

Give me your palm. I'll read your future.

Better give me the other one. That one says nothing.

So what I'd like to do is form a lean, mean psychic machine...

...with me as your leader for a mere 50 percent.

- Are you with me? - This is ridiculous.

I share nothing with you, you psychic-less shoe salesman.

My gift is real, and so is my curse.

Oh, help me.

Save me, Peg, before the hairs on her very lip reach out...

...and strangle me like the mighty octopus.

I'll ask my spirits what to do.

You do that, baby.

In the meantime, Inga, baby, doll, crone...

...now, this is not an order, but a mere suggestion.

If you don't want in, then you're free to leave.

Inga...

...you forgot something.

It slipped.

You will pay for busting my ball.

May you...

It's too late.

May your wife...

No sense in that.

May your children...

Oh, well, I'll think of something. But cursed you shall be. This I vow.

Anyone else want out?

Good, then it's settled.

Kelly.

It's rolling in.

Curse, my heinie.

Can you imagine people in this day and age still believe that mumbo jumbo.

You know, after I milk Chicago dry, I'm thinking about heading west.

Yeah, where all a guy needs is guts and a bad Hungarian accent...

...to fleece the beautiful people.

Al, I'm scared.

You are meddling with powers which, much like a woman's body...

...you don't understand.

Madam Inga is real.

Didn't you feel her power when she walked by?

Peg, the only power I sensed...

...was that of the mighty forces unleashed by beans.

But, Daddy, what if her powers are real? What if she turns one of us into a frog?

You're laughing now. Let's see how you feel...

...when you've been turned into a thick-thighed waitress.

And that's just the curse of time.

Wait till Madam Inga's through with you.

They're magically delicious. They're magically delicious.

Al.

Al, word's out on the street.

Madam Inga has called together all the dark forces of Sweden against you.

What's gonna happen? I wake up one morning owning a Volvo?

Spend the rest of my life as a skier?

Or worse, wake up one morning...

...next to a long-legged Nordic beauty with big honkers?

Oh, no.

Yeah, well, I'm pulling out because anyone around you is gonna get it.

We're all gonna walk the Earth forever as undead masseuses.

Thank your father, kids.

- Thanks, Dad. - Thanks, Dad.

Now, what's wrong with you people?

How many times do you come whining to me:

"Why can't we have a summer home?

Why can't we have a boat? Why can't we have heat like cavemen?"

Well, now that you're up to your little heinies in TV Guides...

...and I'm bringing home the bacon, what do I hear?

"Somebody put a curse on us. Let's blame Daddy."

Well, there's no such thing as curses.

This is the 20th century, people.

There's no such thing as curses.

Well, Al, once again you've enriched our lives.

Thank your father, kids.

- Thanks, Dad. - Thanks, Dad.

Hey, we sent Inga all our money, against my wishes, by the way.

And the curse should be lifted soon.

Lf, in fact, there is such a thing as a curse.

Dad, what if she never got the money?

Buck has never let us down before. He won't let us down now.

Here he comes now.

How you doing, Buck?

Did you send the money, boy?

Well, I had to use it for bail. No one bothered to tell me...

...that when humans meet a girl, it's considered impolite to sniff her butt.

Damn dog.

Well, I guess we're monkeys.

Yeah, big difference.

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