All language subtitles for Married With Children - 0619 - Psychic Avengers

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How long are we gonna
be gone, Mom?

Oh, until this thing
blows over, honey.

Your father's wrath
is gonna be just terrible.

Come on, Buck, what's keeping you?

I misplaced my dead bird,
if you don't mind.

Look, we can get
another dog on the road.

I just do not wanna be here when
Daddy finds out the awful truth:

That we can no longer
afford a TV Guide.

He just might run amok again.

I think we all remember the great
toilet paper scare of '86.

Where was I?

Well, let's see, '86.

All your friends were
discovering girls, so I believe...

...you were up in your room,
trying to decide...

...which shirt goes
with nothing to do.

You are lucky you weren't here.

The market ran out of Aurora white,
and I had to buy the house brand.

I even put it in
the old Aurora wrapping...

...but he knew at first touch.

God, it was terrible.
Him running around...

...with his pants down
around his ankles...

...screaming to the heavens.

That was the last bridge party
I ever had.

They still talk about
his great doodie strike...

...wherever fine toilet paper is sold.

I hear the sound of a muffler
scraping ground. Dad's home.

What do we do? What do we do?

Just act calm.

I know. We'll put out
an old TV Guide.

Maybe it'll buy us some time.

Maybe we're worried about nothing.

I mean, maybe he'll come home
in a good mood.

Why doesn't the world die?

So far so good.

There was a fire in the mall today.

Twenty stores went up, but guess
where they were able to stop the fire?

Yes, the shoe store.

So I don't get any days off,
but I should be raking it in...

...because it's well known women love
to tromp through burned-out malls...

...just to buy shoes that used to be cats
from a guy that used to be a man.

All I wanna do is curl up on
the couch with a nice TV Guide.

Oh, man, they put
Starsky and Hutch back on the air.

Finally, my letters mean something.

The little dark-haired one got fat.

Oh, man, that's Roseanne.

What madness is this?

Honey, we have
a confession to make.

They raised the cost of heating, and we
can't afford to buy a new TV Guide.

See, he can deal with it.

Honey, it'll be okay. We could steal
a newspaper and use their TV section.

Are you insane? It's not the same.

Does a newspaper fit snugly
in your hands?

Does it jeer? Does it cheer?

Are there articles about
William Conrad...

...and what he'll be doing on
Circus of the Stars? I think not.

Now, look, for years the only
reason we had heat was for the kids.

Now they're both over 18.

I say, let them freeze.
I want my TV Guide.

Al, be reasonable.
It's 79 cents a week.

I'm sorry, honey,
here I thought it was a quarter.

Are you gonna
throw a fit now, sweetie?

Yes, I am.

Well, kick some booty, honey.

How long have we got?

I'd say five, four...
Come on, kids.

Three, two, one.

Oh, mighty one who created
the heavens and the earth...

...and you who
created my wife and kids...

...why doth thou
torment me with a TV...

...but not a TV Guide
to enjoy it with?

I have nothing.

Nothing, nothing.

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Excuse me, Mr. Woodpecker...

...but have you seen a middle-aged
shoe salesman...

...with no reason to live?

Jefferson, do you have 79 cents?

Why, you paying off the house?

This is for a necessity. Now what do
you say? Do you have 79 cents?

Nope. Nope, nothing
but large-denomination bills.

I did have some quarters
a few hours back...

...but I used them to feed the ducks.

If they eat enough
of them, they sink.

Sometimes I name them first.

- It's good you have a hobby.
- Yeah, well, I have no job.

- You gotta fill the hours, you know.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's why I do the shoe thing.

Jefferson, let me ask you something,
how come you always have money?

And I just have a 1972 TV Guide...

...which, if CBS hadn't brought back
All in the Family, wouldn't be any use.

Well, there's no trick to it, Al.

Did you ever see the ad,
"Madam Zelda can make you rich...

...with your personal
lucky numbers"?

Madam Zelda sends
you lucky numbers?

No. I'm Madam Zelda.

I sell the numbers.

- You?
- Yeah.

How can you take money
from unsuspecting people?

I'm a thief. Love me for what I am.

But this is just between us, right?

I'm a squealer.

Love me for what I am.

Or cut me in.

"Mr. Brown, your lucky day
is Wednesday.

Signed, Madam Zelda."

Well, here's this morning's take.

How you doing, Al?

How am I doing?
I got two TV Guides, baby.

Yeah. Got one on the table
and one in the bathroom.

I'm rich. Oh, God, I've arrived.
You know, I just love the feeling...

...of suddenly being able
to provide for my family.

- So you told them?
- Hell, no.

It's just good knowing
I can provide for them.

- What if they find out?
- How? They're morons.

They might suspect something,
but how are they gonna catch me?

Bark, boy.

- AI.
- You know, I may as well admit it...

...I'm the only smart one
in the family.

I mean, we got a woman so lame...

...that she actually thinks
when I groan during sex...

...it has anything to do with her.

And Bud wouldn't know
the house was on fire...

...if it wasn't on Nick at Nite.

And the only reason that Kelly got
a head is to keep rain out of her neck.

Hey.

But they are my family,
and I really should tell them...

...because I do love them...
If only they were home.

All right, Al, can it.

We just have
three simple words for you.

We want in.

What's the third word, Mom?

Take Buck for a walk, honey.

Come on, boy, we're going
for a walkie-walkie.

Now, look here, Al.

When I married you
it was for richer or poorer.

Now I thought we would try one,
then the other, and then choose.

Well, I believe we've gone just about
as far as we can with poor.

So if you think that you are
moving on to rich without me...

Without us.

Without me.

- Then you are cheaper and
stupider than the shoes you sell.

Let me confab with my partner.

No, no, no.

Then they might go tell the cops,
and we could both get in trouble.

Well, you owe me one, honey.
I talked Jefferson into it.

You're in. Actually,
it's a pretty good idea...

...because I'm thinking of expansion.
- What kind of expansion?

The kind of expansion
I'm thinking about will allow me...

...to dress my woman in ermines
and pearls, like she deserves.

And I won't forget you either, Peg.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Madam Zelda Incorporated.
How may the stars help you?

Hello. Lucky days, $2.

Lucky numbers, $5.

Or you can get lucky with me for 50.

Well, let me consult my crystal ball.

It seems that your lucky day
is Thursday.

Your husband died on Thursday?

Gee, I'm better than I thought.

The spirits are about to speak.

Your lucky number is C.

This is better than women, D'Arcy.

I mean, we are bigger
than U.S. Steel.

We are not.

Well, the way the economy's
going we just might be.

I don't like it. We should have kept
it simple. You get in, you get out.

Like sex.

- Yeah.
- You're just mad...

...because my father took
over the operation.

We're making more in a week
than we made in a month.

I'm worried about the attention
we're attracting.

And most of all, I'm worried
about your father. He's changed.

I can't put my finger on it,
but he's different somehow.

Let it be noted the stars say
I'm handsomer than yesterday.

Let's get those phones going.

I want to see lines lit.
I want to see people fleeced.

Come on, my little fortune cookies,
Daddy needs a new pair of everything.

- How we doing?
- Everything's fine, but the West Side.

That's okay.

The West Side is Madam Inga's turf.
And you don't wanna mess with her.

Damn Madam Inga and her army
of psychic Swedes.

I want the West Side,
I'll have the West Side.

I'll have all sides.
Inside, outside, East Side, West Side.

Matter of fact, I'll have a hamburger
with a side of onion rings...

...paid for by
the pensions of old ladies.

Can I get a "whoa, stealing
old ladies' pensions"?

- Whoa, stealing old ladies' pensions.
- Whoa, stealing old ladies' pensions.

I can't believe your father
has called together...

...the heads of Chicago's five
psychic families.

I think the greed has finally
sent him into insanity.

You don't talk about family business
in front of strangers.

My father knows what he's doing.

Silence.

Put your hands together
for the sultan of psychics...

...the king of clairvoyance,
the Pharaoh of fraud.

Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give him a big welcome.

He's my daddy,
Al "Madam Zelda" Bundy.

You are my people.

I'd like to introduce now...

...the king of the Ouija boards
on the South Side:

Big Bob Barruth.

My friends call me Huggie.

And the man who controls the palms on
our North Shore, Zelmo the Toad.

I can kill with my tongue.

And the man who controls
the crystals in the Loop:

- Mad Thursday Markowitz.
- Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

And king of the tarots...

...who came all
the way from southern Wisconsin:

- Hakbar the Beast.
- I'll paint any car for $19.95.

And last, but not least...

...although by far
the ugliest and hairiest...

...the virtuoso of the crystal ball:

Madam Inga.

The spirits tell me you
have not bathed today...

...or yesterday.

Please, you could have heard
that anywhere.

Friends and charlatans...

...our city is divided like a pizza
with five different toppings.

The only thing holding it together
in a cohesive unit is the cheese.

- Daddy, the crust too.
- Leave Daddy alone, sweetheart...

...he's kingpinning.

So, what I'm trying to tell you is...

...we shouldn't be fighting
each other like jackals...

...but instead come together
under a benevolent cheese.

I am that cheese.

Oh, Al, the cutest thing
just happened.

And here comes the anchovy
no one wants to touch.

- What is it, Peg?
- Honey, I got the sweetest letter.

This lady that I picked a lucky number
for just won $12 at bingo.

Do you know what this means?

That in a room full of loons
you still manage to stand out?

No. It means I really do have a gift.

Oh, Al, I've been touched.

Certainly not by me.

Now, I am serious, Al.

Give me your palm.
I'll read your future.

Better give me the other one.
That one says nothing.

So what I'd like to do is form a lean,
mean psychic machine...

...with me as your leader
for a mere 50 percent.

- Are you with me?
- This is ridiculous.

I share nothing with you,
you psychic-less shoe salesman.

My gift is real, and so is my curse.

Oh, help me.

Save me, Peg, before the hairs
on her very lip reach out...

...and strangle me like
the mighty octopus.

I'll ask my spirits what to do.

You do that, baby.

In the meantime, Inga,
baby, doll, crone...

...now, this is not an order,
but a mere suggestion.

If you don't want in,
then you're free to leave.

Inga...

...you forgot something.

It slipped.

You will pay for busting my ball.

May you...

It's too late.

May your wife...

No sense in that.

May your children...

Oh, well, I'll think of something.
But cursed you shall be. This I vow.

Anyone else want out?

Good, then it's settled.

Kelly.

It's rolling in.

Curse, my heinie.

Can you imagine people in this day and
age still believe that mumbo jumbo.

You know, after I milk Chicago dry,
I'm thinking about heading west.

Yeah, where all a guy needs is guts
and a bad Hungarian accent...

...to fleece the beautiful people.

Al, I'm scared.

You are meddling with powers
which, much like a woman's body...

...you don't understand.

Madam Inga is real.

Didn't you feel her power
when she walked by?

Peg, the only power I sensed...

...was that of the mighty forces
unleashed by beans.

But, Daddy, what if her powers are real?
What if she turns one of us into a frog?

You're laughing now.
Let's see how you feel...

...when you've been turned
into a thick-thighed waitress.

And that's just the curse of time.

Wait till Madam Inga's
through with you.

They're magically delicious.
They're magically delicious.

Al.

Al, word's out on the street.

Madam Inga has called together all the
dark forces of Sweden against you.

What's gonna happen? I wake up
one morning owning a Volvo?

Spend the rest of my life as a skier?

Or worse, wake up one morning...

...next to a long-legged Nordic
beauty with big honkers?

Oh, no.

Yeah, well, I'm pulling out because
anyone around you is gonna get it.

We're all gonna walk the Earth
forever as undead masseuses.

Thank your father, kids.

- Thanks, Dad.
- Thanks, Dad.

Now, what's wrong with you people?

How many times do you
come whining to me:

"Why can't we have a summer home?

Why can't we have a boat?
Why can't we have heat like cavemen?"

Well, now that you're up to your
little heinies in TV Guides...

...and I'm bringing home the bacon,
what do I hear?

"Somebody put a curse on us.
Let's blame Daddy."

Well, there's no
such thing as curses.

This is the 20th century, people.

There's no such thing as curses.

Well, Al, once again
you've enriched our lives.

Thank your father, kids.

- Thanks, Dad.
- Thanks, Dad.

Hey, we sent Inga all our money,
against my wishes, by the way.

And the curse should be lifted soon.

Lf, in fact, there is
such a thing as a curse.

Dad, what if she never got the money?

Buck has never let us down before.
He won't let us down now.

Here he comes now.

How you doing, Buck?

Did you send the money, boy?

Well, I had to use it for bail.
No one bothered to tell me...

...that when humans meet a girl, it's
considered impolite to sniff her butt.

Damn dog.

Well, I guess we're monkeys.

Yeah, big difference.

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