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1
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Kids, there more than one story
of how I met your mother.
2
00:00:04,101 --> 00:00:06,801
You know the short version, the thing
with your mom's yellow umbrella.
3
00:00:07,201 --> 00:00:08,601
But there's a bigger story.
4
00:00:08,701 --> 00:00:12,202
The story of how I became who I had
to become before I could meet her.
5
00:00:12,602 --> 00:00:14,902
And that story begins,
here.
6
00:00:15,302 --> 00:00:16,203
...dary!
7
00:00:16,503 --> 00:00:18,103
Legendary!
8
00:00:18,203 --> 00:00:20,603
Dude, I am so excited
that you're single again.
9
00:00:20,603 --> 00:00:22,704
We are going to conquer
New York City.
10
00:00:22,904 --> 00:00:24,904
I already have a girl
from work lined up for you.
11
00:00:25,104 --> 00:00:26,904
Right boob bigger
than the left boob,
12
00:00:26,904 --> 00:00:28,805
which some choose
to look at as bra half empty,
13
00:00:28,805 --> 00:00:30,405
I choose to look at as bra half full.
14
00:00:31,605 --> 00:00:32,705
I don't know.
15
00:00:32,805 --> 00:00:34,506
Robin and I broke up
two weeks ago.
16
00:00:34,606 --> 00:00:36,306
I'm... I'm not ready.
17
00:00:37,206 --> 00:00:38,406
When will you be ready?
18
00:00:39,106 --> 00:00:40,307
It was a good question.
19
00:00:40,407 --> 00:00:43,407
After a big relationship ends,
you need some time to recuperate.
20
00:00:43,507 --> 00:00:47,108
Robin took a trip to Argentina,
and I went through my usual routine.
21
00:00:47,208 --> 00:00:48,708
I grew my breakup beard.
22
00:00:49,008 --> 00:00:50,208
Ted Mosby, suit up,
23
00:00:50,208 --> 00:00:52,409
'cause here's the plan.
There's a Miss Nassau County pageant.
24
00:00:52,409 --> 00:00:55,109
We'll pretend to be judges
and, yes, our votes are for sale.
25
00:00:56,109 --> 00:00:57,109
I'm not ready.
26
00:00:57,909 --> 00:00:59,510
I repainted the apartment.
27
00:00:59,610 --> 00:01:01,710
Finish Line of a women's 10K.
28
00:01:01,910 --> 00:01:05,111
Salty girls on an endorphin high
who just want to lie down.
29
00:01:06,211 --> 00:01:08,211
- Yeah.
- I'm not ready.
30
00:01:08,911 --> 00:01:10,912
And the truth is,
I was doing really good.
31
00:01:11,212 --> 00:01:14,912
Female acrobats from Montreal.
Super flexible.
32
00:01:14,912 --> 00:01:17,113
We are going to get
Cirque de So-Laid.
33
00:01:17,213 --> 00:01:18,613
What up?
34
00:01:18,613 --> 00:01:20,413
Barney, come on, we've covered this.
I'm not...
35
00:01:20,413 --> 00:01:21,513
Hey, guys.
36
00:01:21,813 --> 00:01:23,114
I just got in last night.
37
00:01:25,814 --> 00:01:27,714
Um, uh, this is Gael.
38
00:01:28,314 --> 00:01:29,015
Hola.
39
00:01:30,015 --> 00:01:31,015
Okay, I'm ready.
40
00:01:32,015 --> 00:01:35,416
How I Met Your Mother 3x01
- Wait For It -
41
00:01:46,617 --> 00:01:48,418
I just can't believe her.
42
00:01:48,418 --> 00:01:51,318
We have this totally amicable split,
everything's cool.
43
00:01:51,318 --> 00:01:53,419
And she comes back
from vacation with that guy?
44
00:01:53,819 --> 00:01:54,919
You know what she's doing?
45
00:01:55,119 --> 00:01:56,419
She's trying to win the breakup.
46
00:01:56,419 --> 00:01:59,320
What do you mean "win thebreakup",
old-timey inventor?
47
00:02:00,220 --> 00:02:03,320
What our 21st president,
Chester A. Arthur, is trying to say,
48
00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:06,421
is that in every breakup there are
winners and a losers.
49
00:02:06,621 --> 00:02:08,121
It's not a competition.
50
00:02:08,421 --> 00:02:12,022
Now, your 80-day balloon race around
the world, that was a competition.
51
00:02:12,622 --> 00:02:13,622
That's my wife.
52
00:02:14,322 --> 00:02:16,222
Of course it's a competition, Lil.
53
00:02:16,422 --> 00:02:18,623
How else do you explain...
what's his name?
54
00:02:19,323 --> 00:02:20,023
Gael.
55
00:02:22,123 --> 00:02:23,323
I'm sorry, Gayle?
56
00:02:25,024 --> 00:02:25,724
Gael.
57
00:02:27,124 --> 00:02:27,924
Kyle?
58
00:02:29,424 --> 00:02:30,125
Gael.
59
00:02:32,425 --> 00:02:33,125
Girl?
60
00:02:35,325 --> 00:02:37,226
It's pronounced "guy-el."
61
00:02:37,926 --> 00:02:39,026
It means "joyful."
62
00:02:39,526 --> 00:02:42,327
That is why I live
my life by bringing joy,
63
00:02:42,427 --> 00:02:44,927
good energy
and happiness to others.
64
00:02:45,427 --> 00:02:47,527
Especially those
less fortunate that I.
65
00:02:48,728 --> 00:02:50,328
I'm sorry, so it's Gayle?
66
00:02:51,728 --> 00:02:52,928
What a jerk.
67
00:02:53,228 --> 00:02:57,229
I don't go to your stupid country and
try to seduce women with my sexy accent.
68
00:02:57,329 --> 00:03:00,730
That's a great point,
Persian nightclub owner.
69
00:03:00,830 --> 00:03:03,230
Oh, and he's a masseuse.
70
00:03:03,730 --> 00:03:04,730
With a massage,
71
00:03:05,230 --> 00:03:06,531
everything is connected.
72
00:03:07,231 --> 00:03:10,131
I can touch your foot,
cleanse your kidney.
73
00:03:10,831 --> 00:03:14,632
I can touch your earlobe,
and slow your heartbeat.
74
00:03:15,132 --> 00:03:17,432
One time, I used warm water
to make a guy pee.
75
00:03:17,832 --> 00:03:19,833
Of course, I didn't
make a career out of it.
76
00:03:20,433 --> 00:03:21,233
Career?
77
00:03:21,733 --> 00:03:23,033
Such an American idea.
78
00:03:23,433 --> 00:03:24,734
My career is living.
79
00:03:25,234 --> 00:03:26,234
Windsurfing.
80
00:03:26,734 --> 00:03:27,934
Making love.
81
00:03:28,934 --> 00:03:30,935
Sometimes at the same time.
82
00:03:32,035 --> 00:03:35,135
How? How would one
do that exactly?
83
00:03:35,535 --> 00:03:38,136
Seriously, don't giggle.
Tell me.
84
00:03:38,536 --> 00:03:42,036
Not possible. You cannot have sex
on a windsurfing board.
85
00:03:42,036 --> 00:03:44,037
- How do you know?
- Glad you asked, Lily.
86
00:03:44,237 --> 00:03:47,037
I have crafted a list
of every vehicle...
87
00:03:47,137 --> 00:03:48,838
land-based, aquatic and airborne...
88
00:03:48,838 --> 00:03:51,138
in which/on which it's
possible to have sex.
89
00:03:51,238 --> 00:03:55,839
And of those 33 vehicles,
I have had sex in/on 31.
90
00:03:56,339 --> 00:03:58,639
Windsurfing board,
not on the list, not possible.
91
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:01,040
Oh, P.S., in orderto hit 33,
92
00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:04,340
all I need is bobsled
and the Apollo 11 space capsule.
93
00:04:04,740 --> 00:04:07,441
To get that last one, you'd have
to break into the Smithsonian.
94
00:04:08,041 --> 00:04:09,441
This conversation never happened.
95
00:04:10,041 --> 00:04:13,442
All right, you're suited up,
I'm bearded down.
96
00:04:13,742 --> 00:04:15,842
- Let's get out there and win this thing.
- Yes!
97
00:04:16,042 --> 00:04:18,142
You guys, have fun on
your double date.
98
00:04:18,242 --> 00:04:21,243
Oh, for the hundredth time,
I'm sorry, there was a lull.
99
00:04:21,743 --> 00:04:24,743
And then we fell asleep on the beach
while counting the stars.
100
00:04:24,743 --> 00:04:27,144
Do you want to have dinner
with me? Uh, us?
101
00:04:28,944 --> 00:04:30,344
There was no lull.
102
00:04:30,544 --> 00:04:33,045
- You just think he's incredibly hot.
- No, I don't!
103
00:04:33,645 --> 00:04:34,745
Not incredibly.
104
00:04:36,045 --> 00:04:38,146
It's a little hard to believe
how hot he is.
105
00:04:38,646 --> 00:04:40,646
But, I mean, she's not
serious about him.
106
00:04:40,646 --> 00:04:42,846
The girl never marries the hot guy.
107
00:04:43,146 --> 00:04:44,247
Well, you did.
108
00:04:44,447 --> 00:04:45,947
I'm one of the lucky few.
109
00:04:47,247 --> 00:04:50,348
Lily, Ted is our best friend,
so let's get something straight:
110
00:04:50,548 --> 00:04:52,848
Male Gayle is not hot.
111
00:04:53,048 --> 00:04:54,848
He's not our friend.
Don't even look at him.
112
00:04:54,948 --> 00:04:56,549
Just... no eye contact.
113
00:04:57,149 --> 00:05:00,349
So that night, as Lily and Marshall
did their best to hate Gael...
114
00:05:00,449 --> 00:05:02,750
Hey, Robin. Gael.
115
00:05:03,150 --> 00:05:05,150
Robin pulled me aside
to check in.
116
00:05:05,450 --> 00:05:07,150
Now, I'm sure
she meant the best,
117
00:05:07,350 --> 00:05:09,051
but she said the worst.
118
00:05:09,151 --> 00:05:11,051
I just want to make sure
you're okay with this.
119
00:05:11,151 --> 00:05:13,551
"I just want to make sure
you're okay with this"?
120
00:05:13,952 --> 00:05:16,452
Damn it! I can't believe she's
the one that gets to say that.
121
00:05:16,552 --> 00:05:17,752
She's winning, isn't she?
122
00:05:18,252 --> 00:05:20,653
Not for long.
Okay, pep talk.
123
00:05:20,753 --> 00:05:21,653
Take a knee.
124
00:05:22,453 --> 00:05:25,853
Ted, tonight we're going to get you
someone way hotter than Robin.
125
00:05:26,454 --> 00:05:28,354
Okay, Robin's a ten.
126
00:05:28,554 --> 00:05:30,154
Fine, we'll get you a 12.
127
00:05:30,854 --> 00:05:33,355
Or, you know...
two sixes.
128
00:05:34,255 --> 00:05:35,855
Failing that, four threes.
129
00:05:36,155 --> 00:05:37,955
And break glass
in case of emergency,
130
00:05:37,955 --> 00:05:39,856
we'll go to Staten Island,
I'll get you 12 ones.
131
00:05:39,956 --> 00:05:43,356
Ted, my boy, I am going to
re-teach you how...
132
00:05:45,257 --> 00:05:46,757
- Amy.
- Ted.
133
00:05:49,357 --> 00:05:50,157
Barney.
134
00:05:54,858 --> 00:05:56,759
Ted, we are back!
135
00:05:56,859 --> 00:05:57,859
Up here.
136
00:06:00,159 --> 00:06:01,059
Up high.
137
00:06:01,959 --> 00:06:03,760
Fivin' it up five-style!
138
00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:08,060
I'm sorry this is
all so weird.
139
00:06:08,060 --> 00:06:09,761
Weird, why would it be weird?
140
00:06:09,861 --> 00:06:12,661
Because you used to date
our best friend or because my wife
141
00:06:13,061 --> 00:06:15,362
thinks your new boyfriend
is incredibly hot?
142
00:06:15,362 --> 00:06:18,662
I do not! Shut up!
Oh, my God!
143
00:06:20,863 --> 00:06:22,563
- I just hope Ted's okay.
- Hmm.
144
00:06:22,863 --> 00:06:24,863
I hate to see you so tense.
145
00:06:25,963 --> 00:06:28,964
I mean, we had a really
clean break up, you know?
146
00:06:29,364 --> 00:06:32,164
We really acted like adults,
so the last thing... oh!
147
00:06:37,565 --> 00:06:40,066
Gael, are you a properly
licensed massage therapist?
148
00:06:40,266 --> 00:06:41,066
What?
149
00:06:41,166 --> 00:06:44,366
Are you legally certified by some type
of governing entity?
150
00:06:44,566 --> 00:06:46,967
I train for three years at
an institute in Buenos Aires.
151
00:06:47,067 --> 00:06:48,767
I have a card.
I can show you.
152
00:06:48,967 --> 00:06:50,167
Is the card laminated?
153
00:06:50,667 --> 00:06:54,168
- What do you mean "laminated"?
- Covered in protective plastic.
154
00:06:54,368 --> 00:06:56,368
- Oh, yes.
- Damn it.
155
00:06:56,768 --> 00:06:57,969
He checks out.
156
00:06:59,369 --> 00:07:01,269
Ted. Ted.
157
00:07:02,269 --> 00:07:04,970
- Ted. Ted.
- What!?
158
00:07:07,570 --> 00:07:09,070
Let's bail, this place is dead.
159
00:07:09,070 --> 00:07:11,271
Yeah, you're right.
We're both totally striking out.
160
00:07:11,471 --> 00:07:13,971
Exactly, plus,
we're on a tight schedule.
161
00:07:13,971 --> 00:07:16,972
I've got this entire evening
perfectly planned out... spoiler alert:
162
00:07:17,072 --> 00:07:21,572
our last stop is an after hours club so
after hours, it's three days from now.
163
00:07:21,572 --> 00:07:22,873
What up.
164
00:07:23,573 --> 00:07:25,873
Are you blind?
I'm making out with a 12.
165
00:07:25,873 --> 00:07:28,174
- I am winning.
- Yeah, but I didn't get to help.
166
00:07:28,274 --> 00:07:29,774
So you're saying
you want me to throw away
167
00:07:29,774 --> 00:07:32,574
a super hot girl just because
you didn't help me get her?
168
00:07:32,974 --> 00:07:34,675
Apology accepted.
Let's go.
169
00:07:35,175 --> 00:07:37,375
- Who's the suit?
- This is Barney.
170
00:07:37,375 --> 00:07:39,475
- Barney, Amy.
- I'm not gonna remember that.
171
00:07:40,076 --> 00:07:42,676
Now, if you'll exse me,
random chick from earlier tonight,
172
00:07:42,676 --> 00:07:45,876
as you shall henceforth be known,
Ted and I have a schedule to keep.
173
00:07:46,177 --> 00:07:50,177
Well, you can check off 8:54, dress up
like a dork and bother the cool kids.
174
00:07:51,077 --> 00:07:51,777
Beat it, nerd.
175
00:07:52,778 --> 00:07:55,578
Wow. Wow.
Great stuff, Tommy Lee.
176
00:07:55,778 --> 00:07:58,479
See, what you don't understand is
I'm Ted's wingman.
177
00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:02,379
It's a sacred bond, much stronger
than any... They're making out again.
178
00:08:03,579 --> 00:08:05,580
Massage therapist.
179
00:08:06,180 --> 00:08:07,780
And you know what, "Gayle"?
180
00:08:08,180 --> 00:08:10,681
Your piece of chicken
looks a little tense to me.
181
00:08:12,181 --> 00:08:15,381
Oh, oh, does that
feel good, Mr. Chicken?
182
00:08:15,581 --> 00:08:16,882
Well, guess what?
183
00:08:16,982 --> 00:08:18,782
I didn't wash my hands.
184
00:08:19,282 --> 00:08:20,082
Got him.
185
00:08:22,683 --> 00:08:23,383
Lily!
186
00:08:24,083 --> 00:08:27,783
We carry so much ancient emotion
in our neck and shoulders.
187
00:08:27,883 --> 00:08:30,084
Things we should have
let go of years ago.
188
00:08:30,884 --> 00:08:32,584
I forgive you, Mom.
189
00:08:34,684 --> 00:08:38,985
Lily, we are Ted's best friends.
Our job is to hate that guy.
190
00:08:38,985 --> 00:08:41,086
Oh, yeah,
that's what I was doing.
191
00:08:41,286 --> 00:08:43,386
I was just building him up so
192
00:08:43,486 --> 00:08:46,586
a few minutes later,
I could totally cut him down.
193
00:08:50,087 --> 00:08:51,587
Weren't you wearing a bra?
194
00:08:53,088 --> 00:08:54,288
The night was going great.
195
00:08:54,388 --> 00:08:56,188
Amy was cool and dangerous.
196
00:08:56,288 --> 00:08:57,788
She found a friend for Barney.
197
00:08:57,788 --> 00:09:00,089
She even paid for drinks...
sort of.
198
00:09:02,189 --> 00:09:04,389
They know us here.
You're gonna get us in trouble.
199
00:09:04,389 --> 00:09:07,390
Tell me something. Do you ask your
tailor to leave extra room in the crotch
200
00:09:07,390 --> 00:09:09,490
for your huge vagina?
201
00:09:11,891 --> 00:09:15,191
You... your vagina...
202
00:09:16,691 --> 00:09:18,692
Ted, this chick is crazy.
We're leaving.
203
00:09:18,692 --> 00:09:20,792
Good idea.
Let's all go back to my place.
204
00:09:20,792 --> 00:09:25,193
Your place? Thanks but no thanks,
1994 Courtney Love.
205
00:09:25,793 --> 00:09:27,093
I have a hot tub.
206
00:09:29,093 --> 00:09:31,294
Okay, this is
actually pretty nice.
207
00:09:34,394 --> 00:09:35,595
I like your tatts.
208
00:09:36,195 --> 00:09:37,995
Thanks, you can play
with them if you want.
209
00:09:37,995 --> 00:09:39,495
They're a hundred percent real.
210
00:09:40,995 --> 00:09:43,996
No, your tatts... toos,
your tattoos.
211
00:09:45,796 --> 00:09:46,596
Thanks.
212
00:09:47,396 --> 00:09:49,197
- You should get one.
- Wrong!
213
00:09:49,697 --> 00:09:51,597
Ted has a classic clean-cut-look
214
00:09:51,697 --> 00:09:55,498
that never goes out of style
season after season, burn.
215
00:09:55,698 --> 00:09:58,598
Yeah? Well, I think he
would look hot with some ink.
216
00:09:58,698 --> 00:10:00,499
- No, he wouldn't.
- Yes, he would.
217
00:10:00,499 --> 00:10:01,599
No, he wouldn't.
218
00:10:03,899 --> 00:10:06,400
I'm ready to do anything
you want by the way. Anything.
219
00:10:07,300 --> 00:10:08,100
Right now.
220
00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:12,101
Ted, who are you gonna side
with on this tattoo thing?
221
00:10:12,201 --> 00:10:14,601
I think I'd look
way hot with some ink.
222
00:10:14,801 --> 00:10:16,201
- Yeah, you would.
- Yeah.
223
00:10:18,502 --> 00:10:20,202
Oh, my God!
Tyler?
224
00:10:20,502 --> 00:10:22,702
Mommy! Daddy!
She's back!
225
00:10:23,802 --> 00:10:26,803
Damn it, they're supposed
to be in the Hamptons. Run!
226
00:10:29,903 --> 00:10:33,404
Sorry. I used to nanny for
those jerks before they fired me.
227
00:10:33,504 --> 00:10:35,304
- So unfair.
- Unfair?
228
00:10:35,404 --> 00:10:37,805
I wouldn't let you take care of the
imaginary kids I make up
229
00:10:37,905 --> 00:10:39,305
to score with single moms.
230
00:10:39,705 --> 00:10:41,305
That's it, Ted.
We're going home.
231
00:10:44,006 --> 00:10:44,806
Ted?
232
00:10:46,206 --> 00:10:47,106
Ted, you okay?
233
00:10:48,106 --> 00:10:49,107
Hello, Ted.
234
00:10:49,107 --> 00:10:52,907
Robin and I are about to make fantastic
aquatic sex on this windsurfing board.
235
00:10:52,907 --> 00:10:55,708
And I just want to make sure
you're okay with this.
236
00:10:59,608 --> 00:11:04,109
- Okay, how do we this?
- I think your leg goes up, up...
237
00:11:04,109 --> 00:11:07,010
- Okay, how about if I, um...
- No, mine...
238
00:11:07,210 --> 00:11:08,110
I'm okay.
239
00:11:08,810 --> 00:11:10,510
In fact, here's how okay I am.
240
00:11:11,210 --> 00:11:14,511
- I'm getting a tattoo.
- You're not getting a tattoo,
241
00:11:14,511 --> 00:11:15,511
it's not you.
242
00:11:15,711 --> 00:11:18,311
Ted, you are heading
down a dark path.
243
00:11:19,612 --> 00:11:21,712
That dark path is my driveway.
244
00:11:22,712 --> 00:11:25,613
But you need a plan
and you need a wingman!
245
00:11:25,713 --> 00:11:28,213
This is so going in my blog!
246
00:11:31,213 --> 00:11:32,514
Want to have sex?
247
00:11:34,814 --> 00:11:35,614
Okay.
248
00:11:37,815 --> 00:11:40,415
And underneath,
it should say, "I win."
249
00:11:41,115 --> 00:11:43,716
And then it should have
flames coming out the bottom.
250
00:11:43,816 --> 00:11:44,616
Fire!
251
00:11:44,816 --> 00:11:46,416
We should start a fire.
252
00:11:47,016 --> 00:11:48,316
After this maybe.
253
00:11:49,316 --> 00:11:52,217
Oh, man, this is
going to be legend... Wait for it.
254
00:11:52,317 --> 00:11:53,917
And that's all I remember.
255
00:11:54,017 --> 00:11:56,518
The next morning,
I woke up alone, back home.
256
00:12:18,221 --> 00:12:20,122
Hey, buddy, how
was your night?
257
00:12:20,622 --> 00:12:22,022
You know, it was great.
258
00:12:22,122 --> 00:12:24,922
I met this crazy girl,
I almost got a tattoo.
259
00:12:25,222 --> 00:12:27,723
Don't worry.
I didn't, but it was...
260
00:12:27,823 --> 00:12:29,223
It was amazing.
261
00:12:29,323 --> 00:12:32,424
I think it's safe to say,
I am winning this breakup.
262
00:12:34,524 --> 00:12:35,424
Look.
263
00:12:36,524 --> 00:12:37,724
Oh, my God.
264
00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:39,625
- What?
- Nothing.
265
00:12:39,725 --> 00:12:41,125
This J. Crew catalog.
266
00:12:41,425 --> 00:12:44,025
Who brings two Golden
Retrievers in a canoe?
267
00:12:46,626 --> 00:12:49,026
- We got to call Barney.
- Way ahead of you.
268
00:12:50,527 --> 00:12:52,027
Hey, guys, what's
the big emergency?
269
00:12:52,127 --> 00:12:55,227
Oh, and B the W:
I am never speaking to Ted again.
270
00:12:55,227 --> 00:12:56,427
Really? Never?
271
00:12:56,628 --> 00:12:59,928
Not even if, say,
butterflies flew out of his ass?
272
00:13:00,428 --> 00:13:01,228
What?
273
00:13:03,529 --> 00:13:05,529
Ted? Could you grab me
the fondue pot?
274
00:13:08,529 --> 00:13:10,030
He has no idea.
275
00:13:11,430 --> 00:13:13,830
- Mm-hmm.
- And up we go.
276
00:13:17,431 --> 00:13:18,331
Thank you.
277
00:13:19,131 --> 00:13:19,931
What?
278
00:13:21,532 --> 00:13:22,332
- Ted?
- Mm?
279
00:13:22,332 --> 00:13:24,432
I came here
this morning because...
280
00:13:25,532 --> 00:13:29,033
- I want to apologize.
- Apology accepted, Barney.
281
00:13:29,133 --> 00:13:33,234
As you can see, I do just fine on my own.
I don't need a baby-sitter.
282
00:13:33,234 --> 00:13:36,534
See, all this time, I thought you needed
a wingman to fly, but the truth is, you...
283
00:13:36,934 --> 00:13:40,535
you've got your
own wings now.
284
00:13:41,535 --> 00:13:44,235
Since you and Robin split,
you've been gestating.
285
00:13:45,636 --> 00:13:47,636
Growing in your cocoon.
286
00:13:48,536 --> 00:13:52,237
And last night...
...you burst out of that cocoon
287
00:13:52,437 --> 00:13:55,837
like a...
like a majestic, uh...
288
00:13:56,437 --> 00:13:59,138
Gosh, what is it that
comes out of a cocoon?
289
00:13:59,138 --> 00:14:01,238
I was always bad at science.
290
00:14:01,238 --> 00:14:03,138
He's going to say it!
291
00:14:03,639 --> 00:14:04,739
A butterfly?
292
00:14:07,339 --> 00:14:09,239
- What?
- Nothing, buddy.
293
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:12,040
Ow! Why did that hurt so...?
294
00:14:17,041 --> 00:14:18,241
Oh, my God!
295
00:14:21,241 --> 00:14:23,642
- I have a tattoo!
- Oh, that's not a tattoo.
296
00:14:23,742 --> 00:14:26,342
That, dear boy,
is a tramp stamp.
297
00:14:26,442 --> 00:14:27,743
A tramp stamp.
298
00:14:27,843 --> 00:14:31,243
You know, a ho tag.
Ass antlers.
299
00:14:31,443 --> 00:14:33,743
A Panama City license plate.
300
00:14:34,144 --> 00:14:36,044
And suddenly,
it all came back to me.
301
00:14:36,544 --> 00:14:37,344
...dary!
302
00:14:37,644 --> 00:14:38,744
Legendary!
303
00:14:41,145 --> 00:14:43,545
Man, I am so winning
this breakup.
304
00:14:45,445 --> 00:14:47,646
I just broke up
with my boyfriend Steve.
305
00:14:47,646 --> 00:14:48,946
He was totally annoying.
306
00:14:48,946 --> 00:14:51,246
He was, like, "I think you're the one,
I want to marry you."
307
00:14:51,346 --> 00:14:52,347
What a wuss.
308
00:14:53,547 --> 00:14:55,647
Do you think
exes can be friends?
309
00:14:55,747 --> 00:14:59,548
Yeah, sure. I mean,
we're still friends, right, Steve?
310
00:15:00,648 --> 00:15:02,748
Hey, your name is Steve.
311
00:15:03,148 --> 00:15:05,249
And her ex-boyfriend's name is Steve.
312
00:15:06,149 --> 00:15:07,849
What are the odds of that...?
313
00:15:08,249 --> 00:15:09,149
Wait.
314
00:15:12,250 --> 00:15:13,850
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
315
00:15:13,850 --> 00:15:14,950
Give me this.
316
00:15:16,150 --> 00:15:19,651
- Oh, yeah, that'll get it out.
- Maybe you should try club soda.
317
00:15:20,651 --> 00:15:23,752
Damn it, it really hurts. I need,
like, some ointment or something.
318
00:15:25,052 --> 00:15:26,852
Spanish massage oil.
319
00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:30,753
Spanish massage oil?
320
00:15:33,853 --> 00:15:35,954
What happened here last night?
321
00:15:37,854 --> 00:15:39,454
Last night got weird.
322
00:16:07,659 --> 00:16:09,559
Feel the emotions release.
323
00:16:10,359 --> 00:16:13,760
Think I just got over
being chunky in the ninth grade.
324
00:16:15,260 --> 00:16:16,860
You're beautiful.
325
00:16:18,161 --> 00:16:19,461
I am beautiful.
326
00:16:22,061 --> 00:16:24,662
Experience your food.
327
00:16:29,162 --> 00:16:30,563
Try the mango.
328
00:16:34,863 --> 00:16:36,464
Okay, that's enough of the fruit.
329
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:40,464
We're sorry, Ted.
It'll never happen again.
330
00:16:40,564 --> 00:16:43,865
It meant nothing to us.
It just felt really, really, really good.
331
00:16:44,865 --> 00:16:47,565
I can't even look
at you two right now.
332
00:16:51,266 --> 00:16:53,466
He got a tramp stamp.
333
00:17:02,968 --> 00:17:05,668
All right, first of all,
this isn't one of those,
334
00:17:05,668 --> 00:17:08,069
"I came all the way over here
because I want you back" things.
335
00:17:08,269 --> 00:17:10,369
There'll be no startling
confession of love,
336
00:17:10,469 --> 00:17:13,270
no sweet indie rock song that
swells up we're about to kiss,
337
00:17:13,270 --> 00:17:14,870
- none of that crap. Got it?
- Okay.
338
00:17:14,970 --> 00:17:16,470
Good.
Now, here's the thing.
339
00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:20,571
It sucks that you came back from Argentina
with someone as awesome as Gael.
340
00:17:20,671 --> 00:17:22,771
And I know I have no
right to be upset at you.
341
00:17:22,771 --> 00:17:24,772
We're broken up,
life goes on, whatever.
342
00:17:24,772 --> 00:17:26,472
But you know what?
We-We never did this.
343
00:17:26,572 --> 00:17:29,772
We-We had this polite breakup
with no irrational yelling, and...
344
00:17:29,772 --> 00:17:30,873
and that's just wrong!
345
00:17:30,973 --> 00:17:33,773
So, I'm going to yell
irrationally for a little while,
346
00:17:33,773 --> 00:17:36,173
and you're just going to have to
stand there and deal with it, okay?
347
00:17:36,173 --> 00:17:39,074
- If you feel like you need to do that...
- I think I do!
348
00:17:39,074 --> 00:17:42,074
I really think I do!
So now I'm yelling!
349
00:17:44,275 --> 00:17:45,575
- You shaved.
- I did!
350
00:17:45,675 --> 00:17:47,375
- I liked the beard.
- I liked it, too,
351
00:17:47,375 --> 00:17:48,776
but it was getting kind of hot!
352
00:17:48,876 --> 00:17:51,176
Maybe in the winter,
I'll grow it back out!
353
00:17:53,776 --> 00:17:54,877
Okay, I'm done.
354
00:17:55,777 --> 00:17:58,177
I know it was weird
showing up with Gael.
355
00:17:58,877 --> 00:17:59,877
I'm sorry.
356
00:18:01,878 --> 00:18:04,578
Look, us breaking up,
it was the right thing.
357
00:18:05,178 --> 00:18:07,279
But it took some time to
get over you, you know?
358
00:18:07,379 --> 00:18:09,079
I-I'm still getting over you.
359
00:18:09,379 --> 00:18:11,479
But you? You were over it the minute
they started the in-flight movie.
360
00:18:11,579 --> 00:18:12,479
Over it?!
361
00:18:12,879 --> 00:18:16,180
My first three days in Argentina,
I cried my eyes out.
362
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:18,380
I missed you so much.
363
00:18:18,980 --> 00:18:22,881
I wanted to go and prove how
adventurous I am, but the truth is...
364
00:18:23,081 --> 00:18:24,581
it was really lonely.
365
00:18:24,981 --> 00:18:26,982
And that's why Gael happened.
366
00:18:28,282 --> 00:18:30,382
You weren't trying to win the breakup?
367
00:18:30,682 --> 00:18:32,383
I was trying to survive it.
368
00:18:36,583 --> 00:18:38,784
See, look, that all sounds good,
369
00:18:38,884 --> 00:18:41,284
and we'll still be friends
and move on, but...
370
00:18:41,684 --> 00:18:43,385
did he have to be so hot?
371
00:18:43,585 --> 00:18:46,085
- The guy's an Adonis.
- He's not an Adonis.
372
00:18:46,085 --> 00:18:50,186
He's the Cadillac of rebound guys.
Marshall has a crush on him!
373
00:18:50,386 --> 00:18:51,886
- The guy's perfect.
- He's not perfect.
374
00:18:51,886 --> 00:18:53,886
Oh, come on. He's hot,
375
00:18:53,986 --> 00:18:57,087
he wind surfs,
he massages things.
376
00:18:57,187 --> 00:18:59,387
Name one way I'm better
than that guy.
377
00:19:00,287 --> 00:19:01,187
You're bigger.
378
00:19:01,287 --> 00:19:03,888
Don't patronize me. If anything,
he may even be a little bit taller.
379
00:19:03,988 --> 00:19:06,688
No. Ted... you're bigger.
380
00:19:08,289 --> 00:19:09,089
I win!
381
00:19:10,489 --> 00:19:12,889
Kids, I can't remember exactly
what helped me get through
382
00:19:12,889 --> 00:19:14,790
the whole Robin-Gael incident.
383
00:19:14,990 --> 00:19:18,090
I'm sure that it was something
profound and meaningful,
384
00:19:18,190 --> 00:19:20,791
and not at all macho and petty,
385
00:19:20,991 --> 00:19:23,491
but after that,
I was back on my feet.
386
00:19:23,891 --> 00:19:26,292
And what followed was
a new era in my life,
387
00:19:26,292 --> 00:19:28,592
a crazy time
unlike anything that ce before.
388
00:19:29,392 --> 00:19:31,592
It's funny looking back
at those days,
389
00:19:31,792 --> 00:19:34,493
knowing now exactly
what I was heading towards.
390
00:19:35,193 --> 00:19:37,393
And what was heading
towards me.
391
00:19:48,495 --> 00:19:49,695
Go for Barney.
392
00:19:49,695 --> 00:19:51,696
Hey, man, it's Marshall.
393
00:19:51,896 --> 00:19:54,396
Check your e-mail.
Sent you something.
394
00:19:54,996 --> 00:19:57,097
- What is it?
- Just a new Web site.
395
00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:59,497
Slapcountdown.com.
396
00:20:03,298 --> 00:20:04,498
What does this mean?
397
00:20:05,498 --> 00:20:06,698
Ma-Marshall?
398
00:20:15,100 --> 00:20:16,100
No.
399
00:20:17,700 --> 00:20:22,401
No!
30065
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