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♪ ♪
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(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
3
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Hey, Coops. What are you up to?
4
00:00:07,507 --> 00:00:09,406
Hey. Just signing
copies of my new book.
5
00:00:09,431 --> 00:00:10,766
- Oh, right!
- Oh, yeah, your book,
6
00:00:10,791 --> 00:00:13,272
which we totally read
like you asked us to.
7
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Guys, it's okay if you haven't read it.
8
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- No, we support everything that you do.
- What? No!
9
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Oh. All right.
10
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Well, uh, I'm going on
a press tour for it.
11
00:00:23,258 --> 00:00:25,044
Are there any favorite parts
you think I should bring up?
12
00:00:25,069 --> 00:00:26,999
Claire, it's your house...
Why don't you go first.
13
00:00:27,024 --> 00:00:28,450
Oh.
14
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Well, for one, I loved the...
15
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- title.
- Mm.
16
00:00:35,887 --> 00:00:38,084
That's Not a Life, This Is a Life.
17
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Nice.
18
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And...
19
00:00:40,886 --> 00:00:42,752
and I...
20
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How did you read it with
all that plastic on it?
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- Huh.
- Uh...
22
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- So, there's a...
- I was at the airport.
23
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- There he is!
- Jake...
24
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My man! Come on in.
25
00:00:56,947 --> 00:00:58,346
Get in here, my favorite son-in-law.
26
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- (SQUEALS)
- This is a nice greeting.
27
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(CHUCKLES): I like that.
Your parents here all happy.
28
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Wait, are you divorcing me?
29
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No. We're just excited to see you.
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JAKE: Oh.
31
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Well, prepare to be even more excited.
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Uh, my firm just landed
33
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a big sales pitch at a talent agency.
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And guess who my boss picked
to give the presentation?
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That's right.
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The coolest guy at the accounting firm!
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Does that just mean
you're the only one there
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that's ever gotten to second base?
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With our daughter.
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I mean, it's a huge opportunity,
41
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but I have to say, I'm
a little nervous.
42
00:01:39,576 --> 00:01:41,093
Yeah, you should be.
43
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Wait, what?
44
00:01:42,597 --> 00:01:44,146
No, you're not supposed to say that.
45
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You're supposed to be
like, "It's okay, baby.
46
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You're gonna do great."
47
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Why am I talking like
a phone sex operator?
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Uh, because you're hot, Claire.
That's what you sound like.
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CLAIRE: Look, it's just
50
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you do so many things well...
51
00:02:00,052 --> 00:02:02,087
but public speaking isn't
exactly one of them.
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00:02:02,112 --> 00:02:02,777
BONNIE: Yeah,
53
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you fully panicked
54
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during your wedding speech.
55
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You were sweating and st-st-stuttering.
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GERALD: You got
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that weird lip twitch that made
you look like an angry dog.
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Okay, all right, guys, okay,
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that was a long time ago.
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00:02:20,935 --> 00:02:23,400
I have given speeches since then.
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Oh, are you referring to
the time that you scolded
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an entire movie theater for
talking during Boss Baby?
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It was the beginning, and
I didn't want to miss
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00:02:32,854 --> 00:02:34,700
how the baby became a boss.
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You know, Jake, if you're
nervous, I'm happy to help out.
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We can go to my studio tomorrow
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and work on it with my creative team.
68
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Oh, well, look at that.
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A little support.
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Of course,
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I would love to go there.
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Right. Performing in front of a
crowd is all about confidence.
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You want to own your stage.
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You want to make eye contact.
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00:02:55,362 --> 00:02:56,729
You want to connect with your audience.
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00:02:56,754 --> 00:02:57,195
Oh.
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00:02:57,220 --> 00:02:59,981
You want to make everyone feel
like they're the only person
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00:03:00,006 --> 00:03:01,795
- in the room.
- Ha!
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All right? And if you ever feel
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00:03:03,900 --> 00:03:05,901
like you're losing them,
just yell out the name
81
00:03:05,926 --> 00:03:07,482
of the city you're in.
"Am I right, Encino?!"
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Yay! That's where we live!
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Take off your shirt!
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And then at the height
85
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of your performance, just take off.
86
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Oh...
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he's gone.
88
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And come back for the encore!
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- Whoo!
- Yay!
90
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Wow, this is not how you do
an accounting presentation.
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But I don't care! This is exciting!
92
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- Whoo!
- Whoo!
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♪ Imagine me and you, I do ♪
94
00:03:29,367 --> 00:03:31,962
♪ I think about you day and night ♪
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♪ It's only right ♪
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♪ So happy together... ♪
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(VOCALIZING)
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- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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"And together we can optimize savings
for both KPG and its talent,
100
00:03:50,616 --> 00:03:52,230
"so in conclusion... (CLEARS THROAT)
101
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"let's make KPG stand for
'Kapow, Profitability Guys.'
102
00:03:54,975 --> 00:03:57,075
"Oh, come on, I can't hear you.
Say it with me.
103
00:03:57,100 --> 00:03:58,559
"'Kapow, Profitability Guys.'
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Hell yeah, that's the stuff.
Okay, thank you."
105
00:04:03,168 --> 00:04:04,375
(SIGHS)
106
00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:05,975
So?
107
00:04:08,511 --> 00:04:09,849
Wow.
108
00:04:09,874 --> 00:04:11,941
Is what I was gonna say. "Wow!"
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00:04:11,966 --> 00:04:12,590
Crushed it.
110
00:04:12,615 --> 00:04:13,998
- Kapow.
- Awesome job.
111
00:04:14,136 --> 00:04:15,988
Thanks, Cooper's team, and, uh...
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00:04:16,013 --> 00:04:18,668
guy who looks like he invented ecstasy.
113
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You know, people usually think
accountants are just these boring,
114
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- uptight nerds.
- COOPER: Actually, I meant
115
00:04:26,864 --> 00:04:28,771
"Wow, Jake has a lot of work to do."
116
00:04:28,796 --> 00:04:32,824
And the lesson we've all learned
here is that stereotypes are true.
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- Hard pass.
- Really, really bad, man.
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00:04:36,068 --> 00:04:37,513
Really sucked, bro.
119
00:04:39,942 --> 00:04:41,537
Sorry, guys, could I have the room?
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All right, you heard Cooper.
Everybody out.
121
00:04:45,132 --> 00:04:46,899
You, too, Wayne, if-if that's okay.
122
00:04:46,967 --> 00:04:48,400
Okay? (CHUCKLE)
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00:04:48,425 --> 00:04:50,197
I love leaving places.
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00:04:54,657 --> 00:04:56,453
I didn't want to say this
with all them in here,
125
00:04:56,478 --> 00:04:59,079
but your speech was kind of a disaster.
126
00:04:59,492 --> 00:05:00,633
Really?
127
00:05:00,658 --> 00:05:03,024
It was like watching someone
read their own ransom note.
128
00:05:07,041 --> 00:05:08,719
Damn, man.
129
00:05:08,744 --> 00:05:10,420
When your team was, like, praising me,
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00:05:10,445 --> 00:05:12,612
I thought I was doing well,
but then they just, like,
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00:05:12,637 --> 00:05:14,966
changed their minds.
Yeah, that was weird.
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00:05:14,991 --> 00:05:16,964
They usually give their
best feedback right away.
133
00:05:16,989 --> 00:05:18,864
I don't know, man, I think
they were just saying
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00:05:18,889 --> 00:05:20,295
whatever you wanted to hear.
135
00:05:20,411 --> 00:05:22,055
Cooper, is it possible that your crew
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00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:23,662
might be a bunch of yes-men?
137
00:05:23,687 --> 00:05:25,857
What? No. My group of friends,
138
00:05:25,882 --> 00:05:27,532
who are technically paid to be here,
139
00:05:27,557 --> 00:05:29,626
always give me their honest opinions.
140
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:32,485
Okay. Uh, well...
141
00:05:32,851 --> 00:05:35,034
what did they say about
your outfit in this poster?
142
00:05:35,844 --> 00:05:37,698
They said they loved it. Why?
143
00:05:37,723 --> 00:05:40,319
I think you look like the villain
in the Care Bears movie.
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00:05:41,813 --> 00:05:43,625
COOPER: I wasn't sure when I put it on,
145
00:05:43,650 --> 00:05:45,634
but they told me I look great.
146
00:05:47,086 --> 00:05:50,967
What did they say about your, uh,
super sexy Christmas single?
147
00:05:50,992 --> 00:05:52,434
What, "U up, Mrs. Claus?"
148
00:05:52,774 --> 00:05:54,446
It went platinum.
149
00:05:54,907 --> 00:05:56,485
What? Did you not like it?
150
00:05:56,510 --> 00:05:57,672
You combined the two talks
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that parents don't want
to have with their kids.
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All right.
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00:06:03,795 --> 00:06:05,909
Man, but who cares what I think?
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00:06:05,934 --> 00:06:07,313
I would love to have a yes-man,
155
00:06:07,338 --> 00:06:08,929
because they totally work for you.
156
00:06:08,954 --> 00:06:10,401
I mean, they gave you the confidence
157
00:06:10,426 --> 00:06:11,992
to record that single in Mandarin,
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00:06:12,017 --> 00:06:13,951
a language you do not speak.
159
00:06:19,991 --> 00:06:23,287
Uh, the other room has
also asked me to leave.
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00:06:25,543 --> 00:06:27,476
♪ ♪
161
00:06:32,303 --> 00:06:34,270
(SIGHS)
162
00:06:34,338 --> 00:06:35,809
Hey, babe.
163
00:06:35,893 --> 00:06:38,465
So, how did the practice
presentation go?
164
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Turns out you were right.
165
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I am terrible at public speaking,
166
00:06:42,381 --> 00:06:44,122
and I should probably call my boss
167
00:06:44,147 --> 00:06:45,670
and tell him I can't do this.
168
00:06:45,695 --> 00:06:48,210
(TAKES DEEP BREATH)
169
00:06:54,073 --> 00:06:55,439
Nothing?
170
00:06:55,464 --> 00:06:58,007
Not gonna...? Claire, I was
fishing for you to tell me
171
00:06:58,032 --> 00:06:59,070
I have nothing to worry about.
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00:06:59,095 --> 00:07:00,489
Oh...
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00:07:00,514 --> 00:07:01,947
Yeah.
174
00:07:02,288 --> 00:07:04,935
(SPUTTERS)
175
00:07:06,150 --> 00:07:07,656
Still nothing?!
176
00:07:08,001 --> 00:07:09,367
Claire, why can't you just pump me up
177
00:07:09,392 --> 00:07:10,791
even if you don't believe it?
178
00:07:11,051 --> 00:07:13,238
Because I think there are
things that you could work on.
179
00:07:13,263 --> 00:07:15,732
- Like what?
- Well...
180
00:07:15,757 --> 00:07:18,204
sometimes when you're nervous
you start licking your lips
181
00:07:18,229 --> 00:07:19,695
and blinking all weird.
182
00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:21,836
No, I don't. What are
you talking about?
183
00:07:22,699 --> 00:07:25,040
Well, now I'm doing it because
you got me thinking about it.
184
00:07:25,299 --> 00:07:26,945
Well, you asked me to tell you.
185
00:07:26,970 --> 00:07:29,017
Well, I didn't mean it, okay?
186
00:07:29,042 --> 00:07:30,810
I wanted blind support.
187
00:07:30,835 --> 00:07:32,828
God, it's like you never
been married before.
188
00:07:34,111 --> 00:07:35,860
Look, I'm just trying
to be honest with you
189
00:07:35,885 --> 00:07:38,172
so you can be the best
version of yourself.
190
00:07:38,304 --> 00:07:40,681
What, would you rather I just blow
a bunch of smoke up your butt?
191
00:07:40,706 --> 00:07:41,948
It's what Cooper's crew does,
192
00:07:41,973 --> 00:07:43,617
and I think it's a big part
of why he's successful.
193
00:07:43,642 --> 00:07:46,413
So yes, I would love for you
to blow some smoke up my butt.
194
00:07:47,780 --> 00:07:49,168
Matter of fact,
195
00:07:49,193 --> 00:07:51,584
why don't you light up a
fatty and fill 'er up.
196
00:07:52,539 --> 00:07:54,086
Come on, honey.
197
00:07:57,661 --> 00:07:59,528
- Hey.
- Hey, what's up, man?
198
00:07:59,553 --> 00:08:01,628
Hey. You don't look so good.
199
00:08:01,653 --> 00:08:03,056
That's 'cause I don't feel good.
200
00:08:03,081 --> 00:08:05,148
And beauty comes from the inside.
201
00:08:05,173 --> 00:08:06,972
At least that's what Shrek taught me.
202
00:08:08,361 --> 00:08:10,053
Unless he's lying to me, too.
203
00:08:10,619 --> 00:08:13,285
- Oh, what's-what's going on?
- Well,
204
00:08:13,310 --> 00:08:15,049
after Jake told me I was
surrounded by yes-men,
205
00:08:15,074 --> 00:08:18,609
I couldn't stop thinking about
every choice I've ever made.
206
00:08:18,634 --> 00:08:21,603
Come on, man, you are being way
too hard on yourself, all right?
207
00:08:21,628 --> 00:08:23,607
A little self-reflection
can be good for you.
208
00:08:23,632 --> 00:08:27,030
Not when it happens on a
live interview on The Talk.
209
00:08:28,589 --> 00:08:30,255
CLAIRE: Uh... I-I think
210
00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:31,613
the screen is frozen.
211
00:08:31,638 --> 00:08:33,144
No. I am.
212
00:08:36,328 --> 00:08:38,011
Hey, Cooper.
213
00:08:38,036 --> 00:08:39,194
You all right, baby?
214
00:08:39,799 --> 00:08:41,447
Um...
215
00:08:41,488 --> 00:08:43,243
That's Not a Life, This Is a Life
216
00:08:43,268 --> 00:08:45,361
by Cooper James is in stores now.
217
00:08:45,386 --> 00:08:46,728
Yeah!
218
00:08:46,753 --> 00:08:48,305
(APPLAUSE)
219
00:08:48,462 --> 00:08:49,914
I couldn't stop second-guessing
220
00:08:49,939 --> 00:08:51,746
every life choice I've ever made.
221
00:08:51,771 --> 00:08:54,222
Like, is my shirt lame?
Are my friends fake?
222
00:08:54,247 --> 00:08:56,800
Did my Christmas album imply
that I cuckolded Santa?
223
00:08:59,007 --> 00:09:01,328
In the music video, she
used the North Pole
224
00:09:01,353 --> 00:09:02,912
as a stripper pole.
225
00:09:04,351 --> 00:09:07,664
Anyway, I was spiraling,
so after the interview,
226
00:09:07,689 --> 00:09:09,784
I did something I've never done before.
227
00:09:10,130 --> 00:09:12,312
I, uh, googled myself.
228
00:09:12,337 --> 00:09:13,499
- No!
- No!
229
00:09:14,994 --> 00:09:16,746
And then I started
reading the comments.
230
00:09:16,771 --> 00:09:18,070
- No!
- No!
231
00:09:19,418 --> 00:09:22,068
Do you guys know that people on
the Internet can be really mean?
232
00:09:23,068 --> 00:09:26,018
Oh, you mean the place where
racists go to make friends?
233
00:09:29,173 --> 00:09:31,173
(GROANS): Ooh...
234
00:09:31,198 --> 00:09:32,787
Yikes. These are pretty harsh.
235
00:09:32,812 --> 00:09:33,843
(CHUCKLES)
236
00:09:33,868 --> 00:09:36,033
"I wanted to listen to
Cooper James's audiobook,
237
00:09:36,058 --> 00:09:39,744
but it was only available on iTurds."
238
00:09:41,955 --> 00:09:43,946
Dude, who cares what
these trolls think?
239
00:09:43,971 --> 00:09:45,347
They're not even that funny.
240
00:09:45,372 --> 00:09:47,266
(SUPPRESSED LAUGH)
241
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:50,506
I do. My crew has been telling
me I'm so great for years,
242
00:09:50,531 --> 00:09:52,680
but it turns out a ton of
people don't think that.
243
00:09:52,705 --> 00:09:53,398
Oh, look, Cooper,
244
00:09:53,423 --> 00:09:54,132
you just need to take a break.
245
00:09:54,157 --> 00:09:56,217
All this negativity is
messing with your head.
246
00:09:56,242 --> 00:09:57,406
JAKE: It is, man. She's right.
247
00:09:57,431 --> 00:09:59,483
I mean, you're normally
such a positive guy.
248
00:09:59,631 --> 00:10:02,084
Maybe just try to unplug
for a bit, you know?
249
00:10:02,109 --> 00:10:03,979
Just, uh, take a weekend hiatus,
250
00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:06,338
and by Monday, you'll be ready
to finish your book tour.
251
00:10:06,835 --> 00:10:08,434
- Unplug?
- Yeah.
252
00:10:08,690 --> 00:10:10,844
Yeah, that actually
makes a lot of sense.
253
00:10:10,869 --> 00:10:13,202
- Yeah, thanks, guys.
- Yeah.
254
00:10:13,227 --> 00:10:14,562
(GROANS)
255
00:10:14,983 --> 00:10:16,849
I feel so bad for Cooper.
256
00:10:16,874 --> 00:10:17,859
Yeah, me, too.
257
00:10:17,884 --> 00:10:19,031
But he made $10,000
258
00:10:19,056 --> 00:10:22,164
just by existing today,
so I think he'll be okay.
259
00:10:28,740 --> 00:10:31,103
Okay, so I revised my presentation,
260
00:10:31,128 --> 00:10:33,585
and I need you to tell me how
great it is no matter what.
261
00:10:33,610 --> 00:10:35,427
Just pretend like you're
one of Cooper's yes-men.
262
00:10:35,452 --> 00:10:37,177
(SIGHS) Okay.
263
00:10:37,209 --> 00:10:39,110
You're amazing! (LAUGHS)
264
00:10:40,339 --> 00:10:43,420
Can I borrow a Bitcoin
to fix my butt implants?
265
00:10:45,081 --> 00:10:47,513
All right, here we go. (CLEARS THROAT)
266
00:10:48,585 --> 00:10:50,008
Hey, guys. Uh...
267
00:10:50,033 --> 00:10:51,338
What?
268
00:10:52,545 --> 00:10:53,912
I didn't say anything.
269
00:10:53,937 --> 00:10:55,770
I know, but you're making
the same face you make
270
00:10:55,795 --> 00:10:58,548
whenever I pronounce
bruschetta "broosketa."
271
00:11:00,297 --> 00:11:04,029
It's just, "Hey, guys" sounds
like you're a youth group leader
272
00:11:04,054 --> 00:11:05,810
about to tell a story about
a cool carpenter who had
273
00:11:05,835 --> 00:11:07,471
a lot of crazy ideas.
274
00:11:09,535 --> 00:11:11,898
Hey, look who got a good night's sleep.
275
00:11:11,923 --> 00:11:13,894
Yeah. Yeah, I decided to
276
00:11:13,919 --> 00:11:15,535
take your advice and really unplug.
277
00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:17,966
Ooh, you're gonna do an acoustic show?
278
00:11:17,991 --> 00:11:19,784
You know, I play a mean
one of those large sticks
279
00:11:19,809 --> 00:11:21,589
with rice in it that you
have to keep turning over.
280
00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:24,040
(HISSING RHYTHMICALLY)
281
00:11:30,295 --> 00:11:32,884
No, I meant, unplug from
the world for a bit.
282
00:11:32,909 --> 00:11:34,861
Uh, I'm gonna cancel my book tour.
283
00:11:34,886 --> 00:11:36,419
What? Are you serious?
284
00:11:36,488 --> 00:11:37,720
Yeah. Yeah, I've realized
285
00:11:37,745 --> 00:11:39,725
I'm approaching the
twilight years of my life.
286
00:11:39,750 --> 00:11:42,220
Well, hold on. (LAUGHS)
287
00:11:42,245 --> 00:11:43,374
You're barely 20.
288
00:11:43,399 --> 00:11:45,630
I mean, we have sheets
that are older than you.
289
00:11:46,465 --> 00:11:48,209
Okay, gross, but...
290
00:11:49,115 --> 00:11:50,835
And-and, Cooper, don't you have, like,
291
00:11:50,860 --> 00:11:52,344
a bunch of people around the country
292
00:11:52,369 --> 00:11:54,262
who are excited to see
you on your book tour?
293
00:11:54,365 --> 00:11:57,019
Yeah, but I can't face 'em like this.
294
00:11:57,044 --> 00:11:58,642
My critics are right,
and I'm so grateful
295
00:11:58,667 --> 00:12:00,339
to you guys for finally
opening my eyes.
296
00:12:00,364 --> 00:12:01,747
Come on, man!
297
00:12:01,772 --> 00:12:04,080
You can't do this, man!
You're too talented!
298
00:12:04,105 --> 00:12:05,048
CLAIRE: Yeah!
299
00:12:05,073 --> 00:12:06,705
What the hell, Jake? We
just read this tweet
300
00:12:06,730 --> 00:12:09,573
from Cooper, said he's
"taking a career hiatus."
301
00:12:09,598 --> 00:12:12,475
You broke our beautiful boy.
302
00:12:13,748 --> 00:12:17,020
And now who am I going to
brag about at bridge club?
303
00:12:18,529 --> 00:12:19,958
Me?
304
00:12:19,983 --> 00:12:21,282
(LAUGHS)
305
00:12:21,307 --> 00:12:22,970
Right, Claire.
306
00:12:25,693 --> 00:12:27,684
All right, all right, hey, hey, hey.
307
00:12:27,709 --> 00:12:30,028
Okay, all right, all right,
everybody calm down.
308
00:12:30,053 --> 00:12:32,105
All I did was accidentally
make Cooper realize
309
00:12:32,130 --> 00:12:33,422
he's surrounded by yes-men,
310
00:12:33,447 --> 00:12:35,006
and so, he went in
search for criticism,
311
00:12:35,031 --> 00:12:36,444
found so much that he got depressed,
312
00:12:36,469 --> 00:12:37,835
and then stopped doing what he loves.
313
00:12:37,890 --> 00:12:40,391
(HIGH-PITCHED): That's not my fault.
I didn't!
314
00:12:40,740 --> 00:12:42,156
That's not me. I...
315
00:12:42,188 --> 00:12:43,841
Oh, okay, okay.
316
00:12:43,866 --> 00:12:45,732
- It's not my fault. I...
- Stop!
317
00:12:47,190 --> 00:12:50,020
We have to stop panicking.
All we have to do is just
318
00:12:50,045 --> 00:12:51,678
figure out how to get
Cooper back on track.
319
00:12:51,703 --> 00:12:54,188
Aah. If only there was a way we could
320
00:12:54,213 --> 00:12:57,314
crack open Cooper's head and
read what was inside it.
321
00:12:57,339 --> 00:12:58,965
(SCOFFS)
322
00:12:58,990 --> 00:13:00,185
Oh, my gosh, Dad.
323
00:13:00,210 --> 00:13:02,390
That's a great idea! We
can read Cooper's book.
324
00:13:02,415 --> 00:13:05,574
- Oh, yeah, he wrote a book.
- He did.
325
00:13:09,021 --> 00:13:10,951
Oh, man, I really thought
326
00:13:10,975 --> 00:13:13,028
Cooper's book was gonna
be lame celebrity drivel,
327
00:13:13,054 --> 00:13:14,921
but it's really good.
328
00:13:15,061 --> 00:13:18,013
I mean, this part about his
grandma... it's so touching.
329
00:13:18,038 --> 00:13:19,971
(HIGH-PITCHED): Mm-hmm.
330
00:13:21,570 --> 00:13:23,280
She taught him...
331
00:13:23,386 --> 00:13:24,993
how to post his...
332
00:13:26,372 --> 00:13:28,148
first YouTube video.
333
00:13:29,807 --> 00:13:31,962
Wow, Jake, you're really crying a lot,
334
00:13:31,987 --> 00:13:33,599
(VOICE BREAKING): you big baby.
335
00:13:34,377 --> 00:13:36,146
You're crying, too, Dad.
336
00:13:36,171 --> 00:13:37,366
No, I'm not.
337
00:13:38,245 --> 00:13:40,205
Look at Jake. Jake's
the one who's crying!
338
00:13:41,318 --> 00:13:42,792
BONNIE: Ooh, I've got something.
339
00:13:42,817 --> 00:13:45,441
Everyone turn to page 247.
340
00:13:45,466 --> 00:13:46,959
Mom, I really hope
you're not showing us
341
00:13:46,984 --> 00:13:48,703
that picture of Cooper's butt again.
342
00:13:49,878 --> 00:13:52,910
All right, fine. Turn to page 248.
343
00:13:54,268 --> 00:13:58,139
That's where he starts talking
about why he got into music.
344
00:13:58,164 --> 00:13:59,928
Dang, I'm only on chapter nine.
345
00:13:59,953 --> 00:14:01,194
How'd you get there so fast?
346
00:14:01,219 --> 00:14:03,110
Oh, I'm great at speed reading.
347
00:14:10,251 --> 00:14:14,021
Okay, okay, listen to this. Okay.
348
00:14:14,350 --> 00:14:17,434
"My mom was my first fan
and is still my biggest.
349
00:14:17,459 --> 00:14:19,605
"When I started out, I didn't
think I was good enough,
350
00:14:19,630 --> 00:14:24,334
and until I found my confidence,
I borrowed some of hers."
351
00:14:25,607 --> 00:14:28,005
(CRYING): His mom was his biggest fan.
352
00:14:28,896 --> 00:14:30,696
(PHONE CHIMES)
353
00:14:31,441 --> 00:14:32,902
Oh, crap.
354
00:14:32,927 --> 00:14:34,650
I have to go do my presentation.
355
00:14:34,675 --> 00:14:35,943
This is gonna be
356
00:14:35,968 --> 00:14:37,695
a frickin' disaster.
357
00:14:41,742 --> 00:14:43,743
Real nightmare.
358
00:14:46,179 --> 00:14:47,769
Here I go...
359
00:14:47,794 --> 00:14:50,072
all alone.
360
00:14:50,497 --> 00:14:52,063
Claire! Come on! Seriously?!
361
00:14:52,088 --> 00:14:54,115
Okay. I'm sorry. Okay.
362
00:14:54,536 --> 00:14:55,975
While you're up there, just remember,
363
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:58,644
you are so good...
364
00:14:59,633 --> 00:15:01,746
at other things.
365
00:15:10,322 --> 00:15:12,283
Ugh. Cooper.
366
00:15:12,308 --> 00:15:14,490
Those clothes... you...
367
00:15:15,023 --> 00:15:17,909
You look like a Gap mannequin
who wished to be a real boy.
368
00:15:18,599 --> 00:15:20,115
What?
369
00:15:20,140 --> 00:15:23,100
Mm, if I'm gonna take a break
from my rock star life,
370
00:15:23,125 --> 00:15:25,694
I need to take a break
from my rock star clothes,
371
00:15:25,719 --> 00:15:28,461
so I just went into Jake's
closet and picked up a pair of,
372
00:15:28,486 --> 00:15:29,921
uh... Dockers.
373
00:15:30,106 --> 00:15:33,296
More like Dorkers. (LAUGHS)
374
00:15:34,049 --> 00:15:35,940
Oh, wait. I bought those for Jake.
375
00:15:36,287 --> 00:15:39,403
Well, look, we clearly can't
talk any sense into you,
376
00:15:39,428 --> 00:15:41,994
so I found someone who hopefully can.
377
00:15:42,019 --> 00:15:43,962
Oh, my gosh. Mum.
378
00:15:43,987 --> 00:15:46,714
Good day, son. How's my wee bub?
379
00:15:46,739 --> 00:15:48,091
What are you doing up
at sparrow's fart?
380
00:15:48,116 --> 00:15:49,507
Have you even had your brekkie yet?
381
00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:50,978
Well, had me Weet-Bix,
382
00:15:51,003 --> 00:15:52,865
and now I'm just giving the
blue-tongues a bit of a nibble
383
00:15:52,890 --> 00:15:54,398
before the arvo sets in.
384
00:15:54,423 --> 00:15:55,443
(LAUGHS) Good on ya.
385
00:15:55,468 --> 00:15:57,662
You know, a lorikeet
died in the feeder,
386
00:15:57,687 --> 00:15:59,544
and a kookaburra's been
gnawing on the deck,
387
00:15:59,569 --> 00:16:01,752
and me gutters are
stuffed with gumnuts!
388
00:16:01,777 --> 00:16:04,261
No way! Claire, can you believe that?
389
00:16:04,286 --> 00:16:05,334
I can't.
390
00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:09,368
Or can. I'm so lost.
391
00:16:09,393 --> 00:16:11,302
Now, Cooper, what's
this Claire tells me
392
00:16:11,327 --> 00:16:13,514
about you cancelling your book tour?
393
00:16:13,956 --> 00:16:15,433
Yeah, I just need some time to reassess
394
00:16:15,458 --> 00:16:16,957
what I'm doing with my life.
395
00:16:16,982 --> 00:16:18,704
I've realized I'm surrounded by yes-men
396
00:16:18,729 --> 00:16:20,345
who only tell me how great I am.
397
00:16:20,370 --> 00:16:21,722
(LAUGHING): Oh, son.
398
00:16:21,747 --> 00:16:24,284
Who cares what the bludgers say?
399
00:16:24,309 --> 00:16:26,820
All that matters is how you feel.
400
00:16:26,891 --> 00:16:29,906
Well, that's the thing. I
can't really tell anymore.
401
00:16:30,237 --> 00:16:34,354
Cooper, do you remember
your first big concert?
402
00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:37,662
You were so nervous, you
nearly chundered your Maccas.
403
00:16:38,373 --> 00:16:41,266
And I looked out into the crowd
and saw you in the first row
404
00:16:41,291 --> 00:16:43,674
holding up a sign telling
me how awesome I was.
405
00:16:43,699 --> 00:16:45,861
I knew you just needed
a little encouragement
406
00:16:45,886 --> 00:16:50,115
from someone you love to give
you the confidence to succeed.
407
00:16:50,140 --> 00:16:52,181
And if I could hold
up a sign right now,
408
00:16:52,206 --> 00:16:55,132
it'd say get your ass
back on the book tour!
409
00:16:56,421 --> 00:16:59,077
Maybe it was a bit dramatic
to cancel the whole thing.
410
00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:01,943
Thanks, Mum. Love you.
411
00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:05,778
And, uh,
412
00:17:05,803 --> 00:17:07,352
thanks to you Claire.
413
00:17:07,377 --> 00:17:09,010
You know, sometimes this
bizzo makes me sweat
414
00:17:09,035 --> 00:17:10,428
like a gypsy with a mortgage,
415
00:17:10,453 --> 00:17:12,654
but after having a chin
wag with my mum-mum,
416
00:17:12,679 --> 00:17:14,263
grinning like a shot fox again.
417
00:17:17,468 --> 00:17:18,806
What?
418
00:17:19,273 --> 00:17:20,859
Now I'm off to the studio.
419
00:17:21,305 --> 00:17:22,670
Oh. To write some songs?
420
00:17:22,695 --> 00:17:24,729
No. To ask my team what they
think of these Dockers.
421
00:17:24,754 --> 00:17:27,837
Anyone who says I look great
is getting bloody fired.
422
00:17:32,823 --> 00:17:35,029
But, uh... (CLEARS THROAT)
423
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:37,581
But as we like to say
in the accounting game,
424
00:17:37,606 --> 00:17:42,251
"It's accrual world, so
be audit you can be."
425
00:17:42,276 --> 00:17:43,851
Pause for laughter.
426
00:17:45,645 --> 00:17:47,045
(CLEARS THROAT)
427
00:17:47,070 --> 00:17:49,105
God, I'm thirsty.
428
00:17:50,791 --> 00:17:53,150
(COUGHS)
429
00:17:53,837 --> 00:17:55,167
I am?
430
00:17:56,434 --> 00:17:58,228
Uh, confident
431
00:17:58,253 --> 00:18:01,151
that our firm can be a one-stop shop
432
00:18:01,176 --> 00:18:03,076
for all your client's accounting needs.
433
00:18:03,802 --> 00:18:06,288
Yeah. Yeah, no one can stop me,
434
00:18:07,123 --> 00:18:09,081
or my firm
435
00:18:09,431 --> 00:18:11,724
from saving your clients tons of money
436
00:18:11,749 --> 00:18:13,634
by leveraging the new tax laws
437
00:18:13,659 --> 00:18:17,719
to minimize their tax exposure
and maximize their bottom line.
438
00:18:17,995 --> 00:18:19,494
Hmm?
439
00:18:21,672 --> 00:18:23,174
(HIGH-PITCHED): Is it a
little tight in here, guys?
440
00:18:23,199 --> 00:18:24,458
Does it feel a little tight? Hmm?
441
00:18:24,483 --> 00:18:26,160
Maybe loosen up. Maybe
get a little loose.
442
00:18:26,185 --> 00:18:27,533
You know what I'm saying, girl?
443
00:18:27,558 --> 00:18:29,193
Boop. Oh.
444
00:18:29,847 --> 00:18:32,620
Are you feeling me, KPG?
445
00:18:32,661 --> 00:18:33,915
ALL: Yes.
446
00:18:33,940 --> 00:18:35,840
I can't hear you.
447
00:18:35,865 --> 00:18:38,690
Are you feeling me, KPG?
448
00:18:38,715 --> 00:18:40,054
ALL: Yes!
449
00:18:40,079 --> 00:18:43,121
Now, I could sit here and throw
numbers at you all day, right?
450
00:18:43,146 --> 00:18:46,753
Or I can tell you right here, right now
451
00:18:46,778 --> 00:18:49,025
that together, we can make KPG stand
452
00:18:49,050 --> 00:18:52,060
for "Kapow! Profitability Guys."
453
00:18:52,085 --> 00:18:53,633
Come on, say it with me!
454
00:18:53,658 --> 00:18:56,092
ALL: Kapow, Profitability Guys.
455
00:18:56,117 --> 00:18:58,031
Mm-mm. Mm-mm-mm.
456
00:18:58,056 --> 00:19:01,247
I need some stank on that.
Say it louder!
457
00:19:01,977 --> 00:19:05,044
ALL: Kapow, Profitability Guys!
458
00:19:05,069 --> 00:19:07,129
(HIGH-PITCHED): Yes! Yes!
459
00:19:07,154 --> 00:19:09,180
Yes! That's what I'm talking about.
460
00:19:09,205 --> 00:19:10,884
That's the stuff! That's the ticket!
461
00:19:10,909 --> 00:19:12,162
I'm going home!
462
00:19:12,187 --> 00:19:14,389
Good night, Los Angeles!
463
00:19:14,414 --> 00:19:17,849
(APPLAUSE)
464
00:19:20,876 --> 00:19:22,559
Did he just leave?
465
00:19:23,795 --> 00:19:26,062
Who wants to hear some actual numbers?!
466
00:19:26,087 --> 00:19:29,209
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
467
00:19:32,814 --> 00:19:35,770
Congratulations on landing the account.
468
00:19:35,795 --> 00:19:37,352
I never had any doubt.
469
00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:39,635
Nah. Right. (LAUGHS)
470
00:19:39,660 --> 00:19:40,985
(TABLET RINGING)
471
00:19:41,010 --> 00:19:42,309
Oh.
472
00:19:42,334 --> 00:19:44,519
Hey, Cooper, your mom's on FaceTime.
473
00:19:44,544 --> 00:19:45,944
Oh, I don't think he's home.
474
00:19:45,969 --> 00:19:46,982
Ooh, you should answer, though,
475
00:19:47,007 --> 00:19:48,739
so you can see how she talks all weird.
476
00:19:48,764 --> 00:19:50,697
Claire, don't be a colonialist.
477
00:19:51,291 --> 00:19:52,590
Hey, Cooper's mom.
478
00:19:52,615 --> 00:19:55,051
Oh, good day there, Jake. Is Cooper in?
479
00:19:55,076 --> 00:19:56,686
Uh, no, he's not, but
we can take a message.
480
00:19:56,711 --> 00:19:57,284
Right.
481
00:19:57,309 --> 00:19:58,927
You see, Cooper's dad was coming home
482
00:19:58,952 --> 00:20:01,280
after some hard yukka
beyond the black stump,
483
00:20:01,305 --> 00:20:04,044
and an ambo went by,
driving like the clappers
484
00:20:04,069 --> 00:20:06,013
'cause they had some shark
biscuit in the back.
485
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:07,998
Oh, wow. That's...
486
00:20:08,213 --> 00:20:09,434
hilarious?
487
00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:11,786
You've got a sick sense
of humor, Claire.
488
00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:13,530
The guy lost his leg.
489
00:20:13,555 --> 00:20:16,084
Anyway, it was dark
as a dog's guts out,
490
00:20:16,109 --> 00:20:19,034
and the ambo didn't see him,
so they had a bit of a bingle.
491
00:20:19,059 --> 00:20:21,904
Now the ambo's trying to blame
it all on Cooper's dad,
492
00:20:21,929 --> 00:20:24,609
so, of course, he's mad as a cut snake.
493
00:20:25,365 --> 00:20:28,310
Well, we'll be sure to
give Cooper the message.
494
00:20:28,335 --> 00:20:29,300
Hooroo.
495
00:20:29,325 --> 00:20:30,616
Hooroo.
496
00:20:31,319 --> 00:20:32,566
All right.
497
00:20:32,591 --> 00:20:34,294
Oh, hey, Coop. Your mom just called.
498
00:20:34,319 --> 00:20:35,692
Oh. What'd she say?
499
00:20:35,717 --> 00:20:36,913
(LAUGHING): We have no idea.
500
00:20:36,938 --> 00:20:38,273
Your dad was driving home from work,
501
00:20:38,298 --> 00:20:40,022
and he got into a fender
bender with an ambulance.
502
00:20:40,047 --> 00:20:41,717
Everything's fine, but the
ambulance driver's trying
503
00:20:41,742 --> 00:20:42,970
to act like it was his fault.
504
00:20:42,995 --> 00:20:44,753
Ah, he'll be mad as a cut snake then.
505
00:20:44,778 --> 00:20:46,694
(LAUGHS) Hooroo.
506
00:20:46,719 --> 00:20:48,177
Hooroo.
507
00:20:48,625 --> 00:20:49,834
How did you...?
508
00:20:49,859 --> 00:20:52,488
- Literally just guessed.
- (LAUGHS)
36701
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