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1
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- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
2
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Why do you still read the newspaper?
3
00:00:39,690 --> 00:00:40,870
Nobody does that anymore.
4
00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:42,512
I like to keep up on local news.
5
00:00:42,522 --> 00:00:44,070
Like the police blotter.
6
00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:46,657
Huh, most of these arrests
are Cleveland.
7
00:00:46,667 --> 00:00:48,993
And the arresting officer
is Joe Swanson.
8
00:00:49,003 --> 00:00:50,260
Can I help you, sir?
9
00:00:50,270 --> 00:00:52,329
I'm doing my mail route, Joe.
10
00:00:52,339 --> 00:00:54,331
Maybe you'd be more comfortable
11
00:00:54,341 --> 00:00:56,374
talking about it down at the station.
12
00:00:56,780 --> 00:00:58,002
You're right.
13
00:00:58,012 --> 00:00:59,837
It is more comfortable here.
14
00:00:59,847 --> 00:01:01,271
The police station:
15
00:01:01,281 --> 00:01:02,940
come for the racial profiling,
16
00:01:02,950 --> 00:01:04,984
stay for the comfort.
17
00:01:06,308 --> 00:01:08,308
18
00:01:08,322 --> 00:01:10,147
Is that... is that you?
19
00:01:10,157 --> 00:01:13,150
Oh. Yeah. A friend invited me
to this charity ball.
20
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:15,319
A friend? She's 100!
21
00:01:15,329 --> 00:01:17,321
What are you up to?
22
00:01:17,331 --> 00:01:19,256
Nothing. I enjoy her company.
23
00:01:19,266 --> 00:01:21,425
Older women are cultured, worldly.
24
00:01:21,435 --> 00:01:23,761
I've got nothing to be defensive about.
25
00:01:23,771 --> 00:01:25,162
Her husband passed away.
26
00:01:25,172 --> 00:01:26,330
She appreciates my friendship.
27
00:01:26,340 --> 00:01:27,765
I'm providing companionship.
28
00:01:27,775 --> 00:01:28,999
Dogs are known for that.
29
00:01:29,009 --> 00:01:30,743
I don't like it.
30
00:01:38,578 --> 00:01:40,711
Peter, I need you to mow the lawn.
31
00:01:40,721 --> 00:01:42,046
It's out of control.
32
00:01:42,056 --> 00:01:43,213
I can't mow the lawn, Lois.
33
00:01:43,223 --> 00:01:45,315
The Friends of Distinction
are out there,
34
00:01:45,325 --> 00:01:46,884
grazing in the grass.
35
00:02:13,420 --> 00:02:15,179
Oh, let me get in on that!
36
00:02:16,523 --> 00:02:18,162
Where'd they go?
37
00:02:21,095 --> 00:02:23,420
Cleveland? You okay in there?
38
00:02:23,430 --> 00:02:24,588
Cleveland!
39
00:02:24,598 --> 00:02:26,023
Wha-Wha-What? What?
40
00:02:26,033 --> 00:02:28,859
Oh. Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.
41
00:02:28,869 --> 00:02:31,061
Mmm, that was a good toilet dream
42
00:02:31,071 --> 00:02:33,512
about my neighbor and his lawn.
43
00:02:33,957 --> 00:02:35,866
Peter, I don't care who's grazing.
44
00:02:35,876 --> 00:02:37,267
The lawn looks terrible.
45
00:02:37,277 --> 00:02:38,435
Get out there and mow it.
46
00:02:38,445 --> 00:02:40,871
Why can't Chris mow it? He's old enough.
47
00:02:40,881 --> 00:02:42,439
Look, I'm all for Chris mowing the lawn,
48
00:02:42,449 --> 00:02:43,774
but you got to teach him.
49
00:02:43,784 --> 00:02:45,209
Fine, I'll do it tomorrow.
50
00:02:45,219 --> 00:02:47,111
After my weekend job as a zookeeper
51
00:02:47,121 --> 00:02:49,480
with very muscular thighs.
52
00:02:49,490 --> 00:02:51,248
"Thigh" there, nice to see you all.
53
00:02:51,258 --> 00:02:54,251
As you can see right here and here,
54
00:02:54,261 --> 00:02:56,086
I am qualified to be a zookeeper.
55
00:02:56,096 --> 00:02:57,588
This is my friend Frederick.
56
00:02:57,598 --> 00:03:00,023
And I am sure you're all
wondering how much I can squat.
57
00:03:00,033 --> 00:03:02,092
For that answer, you'll have
to go to my Instagram,
58
00:03:02,102 --> 00:03:03,927
YourThighness99.
59
00:03:03,937 --> 00:03:06,263
Now, I'd like to open up
the floor for questions.
60
00:03:06,273 --> 00:03:08,265
- Yes, what food does the bird...
- Not about the bird!
61
00:03:08,275 --> 00:03:10,434
Now, who wants to see me jump
over this fence
62
00:03:10,444 --> 00:03:11,902
from a standing start?
63
00:03:11,912 --> 00:03:15,639
Let me scooch these shorts up
a little "thigher."
64
00:03:15,649 --> 00:03:17,141
Look out, elephants!
65
00:03:19,507 --> 00:03:22,246
So, everybody happy
they went to the zoo?
66
00:03:22,256 --> 00:03:23,814
No?
67
00:03:23,824 --> 00:03:26,383
Well, that's the zoo.
68
00:03:35,102 --> 00:03:38,162
Is that a diamond-encrusted watch fob?
69
00:03:38,172 --> 00:03:39,930
This? Oh, yeah, I-I've had this.
70
00:03:39,940 --> 00:03:42,633
Nobody's owned one of those
for 80 years!
71
00:03:42,643 --> 00:03:45,135
What are you up to?
72
00:03:45,145 --> 00:03:46,637
You already did this.
73
00:03:46,647 --> 00:03:48,205
I'm not trying to show skepticism.
74
00:03:48,215 --> 00:03:49,740
My head is too heavy!
75
00:03:49,750 --> 00:03:53,374
I heard the doctor whisper
to Lois, "3,000th percentile."
76
00:03:57,958 --> 00:04:00,117
Okay, Chris, now, if you're
gonna learn how to mow a lawn,
77
00:04:00,127 --> 00:04:03,187
the first lesson is that
you always start by 7:00 a.m.,
78
00:04:03,197 --> 00:04:06,356
before everyone wakes up,
including roosters.
79
00:04:07,801 --> 00:04:09,459
What the...?
80
00:04:09,469 --> 00:04:10,861
Hey, shut up!
81
00:04:10,871 --> 00:04:12,029
You shut up!
82
00:04:12,039 --> 00:04:14,198
Oh, real original.
83
00:04:14,208 --> 00:04:15,465
Now, to start the mower,
84
00:04:15,475 --> 00:04:17,301
you grab this pull cord like so
85
00:04:17,311 --> 00:04:19,203
and give it a nice hard yank.
86
00:04:20,981 --> 00:04:22,668
Can I change my grip?
87
00:04:26,653 --> 00:04:28,378
Wow, much better.
88
00:04:28,388 --> 00:04:30,314
It's a more familiar motion.
89
00:04:30,324 --> 00:04:34,284
For the rest, you can just watch
this how-to video on YouTube.
90
00:04:34,294 --> 00:04:36,386
What's going on, guys? I'm Corey,
91
00:04:36,396 --> 00:04:38,822
here to take your lawn mowing
skills to the next lev.
92
00:04:38,832 --> 00:04:40,991
But, first, make sure
you subscribe to my channel,
93
00:04:41,001 --> 00:04:42,125
Corey's World.
94
00:04:42,135 --> 00:04:44,027
Okay, now let's start that mower.
95
00:04:44,037 --> 00:04:46,196
Did you know
Corey got recruited by ISIS?
96
00:04:46,206 --> 00:04:49,132
He disappeared, and now there's
this guy doing ISIS videos
97
00:04:49,142 --> 00:04:51,068
and they think it's Corey.
98
00:04:51,078 --> 00:04:52,736
Assalamu alaikum, guys!
99
00:04:52,746 --> 00:04:55,172
This is Corey, here to talk
about making a dirty bomb
100
00:04:55,182 --> 00:04:57,434
with stuff you can find in your kitchen.
101
00:05:07,290 --> 00:05:09,253
Great Caesar's ghost!
102
00:05:09,263 --> 00:05:11,521
Chris and a chubby little friend?
103
00:05:11,531 --> 00:05:14,324
It's like in my dream!
104
00:05:14,334 --> 00:05:15,893
Hey there, Chris.
105
00:05:15,903 --> 00:05:18,428
You know, I've been looking
for a muscley-armed young fella
106
00:05:18,438 --> 00:05:19,630
to mow my lawn.
107
00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:21,064
Sorry, Mr. Herbert,
108
00:05:21,074 --> 00:05:23,066
but I don't even want to mow this lawn.
109
00:05:23,076 --> 00:05:25,736
You could bring your friend
over there to help you.
110
00:05:25,746 --> 00:05:28,238
Come on, Herbert. Rope this calf.
111
00:05:28,248 --> 00:05:31,241
Would $600 a week change your mind?
112
00:05:31,251 --> 00:05:33,810
Uh, would it? You got a deal!
113
00:05:33,820 --> 00:05:36,013
And I can pay you under the table.
114
00:05:36,023 --> 00:05:38,181
I like to make a little fort
under there.
115
00:05:38,191 --> 00:05:41,184
I call it Fort Dix.
116
00:05:41,194 --> 00:05:42,519
Did you hear that, Dad?
117
00:05:42,529 --> 00:05:44,521
He'll pay us $600!
118
00:05:44,531 --> 00:05:47,176
Uh, yeah, did-did you not hear
about Fort Dix?
119
00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:50,600
120
00:05:57,110 --> 00:06:00,637
Oh, Admiral, you've been so good
to me these past weeks,
121
00:06:00,647 --> 00:06:02,239
with my husband gone
122
00:06:02,249 --> 00:06:05,142
and me alone to tend
to his massive estate.
123
00:06:05,152 --> 00:06:07,077
You know, helping you
might have been difficult
124
00:06:07,087 --> 00:06:09,079
were you not so utterly charming.
125
00:06:13,093 --> 00:06:15,152
Plus, helping you helps me forget
126
00:06:15,162 --> 00:06:16,253
my own country's troubles
127
00:06:16,263 --> 00:06:18,588
and my struggle to save
our national flower,
128
00:06:18,598 --> 00:06:20,157
the Masdevallia orchid.
129
00:06:20,167 --> 00:06:22,326
That's my favorite flower.
130
00:06:22,336 --> 00:06:24,428
And pet charity.
131
00:06:24,438 --> 00:06:25,829
Really?
132
00:06:25,839 --> 00:06:28,765
I've devoted my life
to raising money to save it.
133
00:06:28,775 --> 00:06:30,100
What a coincidence.
134
00:06:30,110 --> 00:06:31,835
You and the count.
135
00:06:31,845 --> 00:06:34,552
- The count?
- Yes, of Monte Hall.
136
00:06:34,863 --> 00:06:37,140
We like to October in Zurich.
137
00:06:37,150 --> 00:06:39,776
Ah, yes, the best place to October.
138
00:06:39,786 --> 00:06:42,179
The secret, however,
is to October in Zurich
139
00:06:42,189 --> 00:06:45,849
but in September, to avoid
the obnoxious Octobering crowds,
140
00:06:45,859 --> 00:06:48,285
saving October for Paris...
Novembering there...
141
00:06:48,295 --> 00:06:50,287
Then Decembering in Palm Beach
in November
142
00:06:50,297 --> 00:06:52,122
and, in December, Januarying, of course,
143
00:06:52,132 --> 00:06:53,457
as always, in Gstaad.
144
00:06:53,467 --> 00:06:55,525
We December in London.
145
00:06:55,535 --> 00:06:58,362
You, madame, are a cream-faced loon.
146
00:06:58,372 --> 00:07:01,865
Count, I don't believe
you've met the admiral.
147
00:07:01,875 --> 00:07:03,200
Well, he may be an admiral,
148
00:07:03,210 --> 00:07:06,203
but he's certainly not admirable.
149
00:07:06,213 --> 00:07:07,404
Panty drop.
150
00:07:07,414 --> 00:07:08,438
Swoon.
151
00:07:08,448 --> 00:07:09,916
Commercial.
152
00:07:18,018 --> 00:07:21,210
So, Admiral, you must have had
quite the military career.
153
00:07:21,220 --> 00:07:22,852
Your honors are impressive.
154
00:07:22,862 --> 00:07:25,805
Is that medal
a stretched-out carnival penny?
155
00:07:25,815 --> 00:07:27,295
Thank you for noticing, Count.
156
00:07:27,305 --> 00:07:29,251
It means a lot from a man whose top hat
157
00:07:29,261 --> 00:07:31,020
looks suspiciously like an Amazon Echo
158
00:07:31,030 --> 00:07:32,421
with a cardboard brim.
159
00:07:32,431 --> 00:07:34,990
Why, wha-wha-what a preposterous notion!
160
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:36,481
- Alexa?
- No, don't say that!
161
00:07:37,569 --> 00:07:39,366
What the hell are you doing here?
162
00:07:39,376 --> 00:07:41,397
This is my scam. Now butt out.
163
00:07:41,407 --> 00:07:43,065
Now, why would I do that, Brian?
164
00:07:43,075 --> 00:07:44,466
These old bags are going to die.
165
00:07:44,476 --> 00:07:46,568
Someone's going to end up
with their money.
166
00:07:46,578 --> 00:07:47,770
Look, all right,
167
00:07:47,780 --> 00:07:49,271
there's no reason
to sabotage each other.
168
00:07:49,281 --> 00:07:52,041
There's plenty of Newport
heiresses for the both of us.
169
00:07:52,051 --> 00:07:54,043
Maybe we could even help each other.
170
00:07:54,053 --> 00:07:55,144
Exactly.
171
00:07:55,154 --> 00:07:57,146
Two con men like us working together?
172
00:07:57,156 --> 00:07:58,185
We'll be set.
173
00:07:58,195 --> 00:08:00,582
Like a passive-aggressive alarm clock.
174
00:08:00,592 --> 00:08:02,918
Uh, I don't know if you've noticed,
175
00:08:02,928 --> 00:08:04,687
but the sun's been up
for, like, an hour.
176
00:08:04,697 --> 00:08:06,555
No, no, no, no,
you don't have to get up.
177
00:08:06,565 --> 00:08:07,956
Let your wife do everything.
178
00:08:07,966 --> 00:08:10,125
Just keep sleeping.
You're a good husband.
179
00:08:10,135 --> 00:08:12,628
I'm sure she doesn't fantasize
about your contractor,
180
00:08:12,638 --> 00:08:14,897
who's already downstairs working on...
181
00:08:14,907 --> 00:08:17,466
Well, I can't really figure out
what he's working on.
182
00:08:17,476 --> 00:08:19,815
OH, I KNOW: your wife.
183
00:08:24,005 --> 00:08:25,383
Hey there, Chris!
184
00:08:25,385 --> 00:08:27,042
And what's your pal's name??
185
00:08:27,052 --> 00:08:28,073
I'm Peter, sir.!
186
00:08:28,083 --> 00:08:30,612
You're big for your age,
ain't ya, Petey?
187
00:08:30,622 --> 00:08:33,882
Yeah. Doctor says I eat too much candy.
188
00:08:33,892 --> 00:08:35,651
Ain't no shame in being chubby.
189
00:08:35,661 --> 00:08:37,152
You're a growing boy.
190
00:08:37,162 --> 00:08:39,088
Why, what's this?
191
00:08:39,098 --> 00:08:41,323
Wow! How'd you do that?
192
00:08:41,333 --> 00:08:42,558
It wasn't a trick.
193
00:08:42,568 --> 00:08:43,992
It was stuck to your neck.
194
00:08:44,002 --> 00:08:46,891
Oh, yeah. Sometimes
I fall asleep on candy.
195
00:08:53,812 --> 00:08:55,370
There she is.
196
00:08:55,380 --> 00:08:58,774
The wealthiest heiress
in all of Newport.
197
00:08:58,784 --> 00:09:01,343
- The Holy Grail for guys like us.
- Who is she?
198
00:09:01,353 --> 00:09:03,946
That's Margaret Woolworth
Carrington Von Schumacher
199
00:09:03,956 --> 00:09:06,348
Chanel Astor Livingston
Compte de Saint-Exupery
200
00:09:06,358 --> 00:09:08,283
Mountbatten Windsor Armani Roosevelt
201
00:09:08,293 --> 00:09:09,918
Von Trapp Wykenham Hearst
202
00:09:09,928 --> 00:09:11,787
Montgomery Rothchild Johnson & Johnson
203
00:09:11,797 --> 00:09:14,189
Twillsworth Dolce Gabbana Von Zweiger
204
00:09:14,199 --> 00:09:16,258
Second Montgomery De LaRoche
Geico Vanderbilt
205
00:09:16,268 --> 00:09:18,594
Lannister Van Buren Butterworth
How I Met Your Mother
206
00:09:18,604 --> 00:09:21,029
Wrigley Louise-Dreyfuss
Ludwig Morgan Stanley
207
00:09:21,039 --> 00:09:23,198
Dumont Lamborghini
Forbes Higbee Winthrop
208
00:09:23,208 --> 00:09:25,134
Chanel Remi Martin Fitzwilliam Kennedy
209
00:09:25,144 --> 00:09:27,336
Motel Six Fairchild
Brook Pritzker Davenport
210
00:09:27,346 --> 00:09:30,172
Von Stolen Monty Python
Ellisworth Aston Martin
211
00:09:30,182 --> 00:09:32,074
Haverbrook Ziff Lauder Hilton DuPont
212
00:09:32,084 --> 00:09:34,243
Kincaid Winslow Coors Oviatt Marlborough
213
00:09:34,253 --> 00:09:36,411
Pembroke Huffington Bush Mellon Sinclair
214
00:09:36,421 --> 00:09:38,747
Mellencamp Starbucks Van Dyke
Third Montgomery
215
00:09:38,757 --> 00:09:40,916
Marriott Barrington Chadsworth
Big League Chew
216
00:09:40,926 --> 00:09:42,518
Chesterfield Kensington Booth Bishop
217
00:09:42,528 --> 00:09:44,853
Longbottom Nottingham
Meisterburger Burgermeister
218
00:09:44,863 --> 00:09:47,022
Tudor Hapsburg Rockefeller Onassis.
219
00:09:47,032 --> 00:09:49,024
My God.
220
00:09:49,034 --> 00:09:51,026
You mean the heir
to the Woolworth Carrington
221
00:09:51,036 --> 00:09:53,095
Von Schumacher Chanel Astor Livingston
222
00:09:53,105 --> 00:09:55,097
Compte de Saint-Exupery
Mountbatten Windsor
223
00:09:55,107 --> 00:09:57,032
Armani Roosevelt
Von Trapp Wykenham Hearst
224
00:09:57,042 --> 00:09:58,867
Montgomery Rothchild Johnson & Johnson
225
00:09:58,877 --> 00:10:00,869
Twillsworth Dolce Gabbana Von Zweiger
226
00:10:00,879 --> 00:10:02,871
Second Montgomery De LaRoche
Geico Vanderbilt
227
00:10:02,881 --> 00:10:05,040
Lannister Van Buren Butterworth
How I Met Your Mother
228
00:10:05,050 --> 00:10:07,376
Wrigley Louise-Dreyfuss
Ludwig Morgan Stanley
229
00:10:07,386 --> 00:10:09,311
Dumont Lamborghini
Forbes Higbee Winthrop
230
00:10:09,321 --> 00:10:10,979
Chanel Remi Martin Fitzwilliam Kennedy
231
00:10:10,989 --> 00:10:13,248
Motel Six Fairchild
Brook Pritzker Davenport
232
00:10:13,258 --> 00:10:15,918
Von Stolen Monty Python
Ellisworth Aston Martin
233
00:10:15,928 --> 00:10:17,686
Haverbrook Ziff Lauder Hilton DuPont
234
00:10:17,696 --> 00:10:19,755
Kincaid Winslow Coors Oviatt Marlborough
235
00:10:19,765 --> 00:10:21,657
Pembroke Huffington Bush Mellon Sinclair
236
00:10:21,667 --> 00:10:24,026
Mellencamp Starbucks Van Dyke
Third Montgomery
237
00:10:24,036 --> 00:10:26,028
Marriott Barrington Chadsworth
Big League Chew
238
00:10:26,038 --> 00:10:27,596
Chesterfield Kensington Booth Bishop
239
00:10:27,606 --> 00:10:29,865
Longbottom Nottingham
Meisterburger Burgermeister
240
00:10:29,875 --> 00:10:32,167
Tudor Hapsburg
Rockefeller Onassis fortune?
241
00:10:32,177 --> 00:10:33,426
Exactly.
242
00:10:33,436 --> 00:10:34,691
She goes by "Pip."
243
00:10:34,701 --> 00:10:36,104
- Pip?
- Pip.
244
00:10:36,114 --> 00:10:38,407
Been trying to schmooze her for months.
245
00:10:38,417 --> 00:10:40,409
The only catch is
her 95-year-old husband
246
00:10:40,419 --> 00:10:42,544
is still hanging on by a thread.
247
00:10:42,554 --> 00:10:44,213
I can't make a move until he dies,
248
00:10:44,223 --> 00:10:45,714
which, hopefully, is any day now.
249
00:10:45,724 --> 00:10:48,283
If we can charm her,
we'll be set for life.
250
00:10:48,293 --> 00:10:50,118
No more scraping and scavenging,
251
00:10:50,128 --> 00:10:51,954
like a laughing hyena.
252
00:10:51,964 --> 00:10:53,956
I don't sound desperate,
253
00:10:53,966 --> 00:10:55,624
but I'm very desperate.
254
00:10:55,634 --> 00:10:58,994
I'm not a very capable predator.
255
00:10:59,004 --> 00:11:03,098
My family's back
at the den waiting for me.
256
00:11:03,108 --> 00:11:06,702
I think this
is the day I starve to death.
257
00:11:06,712 --> 00:11:09,972
Just kidding, I have no family.
258
00:11:09,982 --> 00:11:13,542
But I'm a very involved uncle.
259
00:11:20,092 --> 00:11:23,185
Dad, shouldn't we attach a bag
to the mower?
260
00:11:23,195 --> 00:11:25,020
That's too much work.
Just mow with the blower
261
00:11:25,030 --> 00:11:27,465
always pointed toward Joe's lawn.
262
00:11:31,870 --> 00:11:34,363
Hey, will you put a bag on that thing?
263
00:11:34,373 --> 00:11:37,032
Just poop into your hand if you have to.
264
00:11:37,042 --> 00:11:38,914
I'll be down in a minute.
265
00:11:39,816 --> 00:11:44,172
Hey, boys. I've got some cookies
and special grape juice for you.
266
00:11:44,182 --> 00:11:46,141
Come on and get it, Petey.
267
00:11:46,151 --> 00:11:47,985
Sweet.
268
00:11:50,022 --> 00:11:53,048
But, Mr. Herbert,
you always made the cookies
269
00:11:53,058 --> 00:11:55,817
with the large pill
in the center for me.
270
00:11:55,827 --> 00:11:58,887
Sorry, Chris. He just got to them first.
271
00:11:58,897 --> 00:12:01,153
I thought I was your favorite.
272
00:12:08,974 --> 00:12:12,200
You mustn't think you've failed me
273
00:12:12,210 --> 00:12:15,837
Just because there's someone else
274
00:12:15,847 --> 00:12:19,141
You were the first real love
275
00:12:19,151 --> 00:12:22,253
I ever had
276
00:12:24,256 --> 00:12:27,249
And all the things I ever said
277
00:12:27,259 --> 00:12:30,886
I swear they still are true
278
00:12:30,896 --> 00:12:33,255
For no one else
279
00:12:33,265 --> 00:12:36,191
Can have the part of me
280
00:12:36,201 --> 00:12:40,595
I gave to you
281
00:12:40,605 --> 00:12:45,000
Torn between two lovers
282
00:12:45,010 --> 00:12:48,737
Feeling like a fool
283
00:12:48,747 --> 00:12:52,007
Loving both of you
284
00:12:52,017 --> 00:12:55,777
Is breaking all the rules
285
00:12:55,787 --> 00:13:00,248
Torn between two lovers
286
00:13:00,258 --> 00:13:03,418
Feeling like a fool
287
00:13:03,428 --> 00:13:08,466
Loving you both
is breaking all the rules.
288
00:13:12,437 --> 00:13:14,963
All right, now let's kick it up a notch.
289
00:13:14,973 --> 00:13:17,666
Come on, shake your body,
baby, do that conga
290
00:13:17,676 --> 00:13:19,901
You know you can't
control yourself any longer.
291
00:13:28,353 --> 00:13:29,644
There she is.
292
00:13:29,654 --> 00:13:31,480
We just got to wait
for our chance to move in.
293
00:13:31,490 --> 00:13:33,015
Brian, look.
294
00:13:36,490 --> 00:13:38,490
295
00:13:38,864 --> 00:13:40,989
You think this might be... the end?
296
00:13:40,999 --> 00:13:43,000
I don't know, but now's our chance.
297
00:13:46,238 --> 00:13:48,139
I hate myself for doing this.
298
00:13:50,767 --> 00:13:54,503
Is that a Cats Protective League
pin on your lapel?
299
00:13:54,513 --> 00:13:56,138
Why, yes.
300
00:13:56,148 --> 00:13:58,440
It's my favorite charity.
301
00:13:58,450 --> 00:14:00,175
I love cats.
302
00:14:00,185 --> 00:14:03,145
I've devoted my life to helping them.
303
00:14:03,155 --> 00:14:04,946
I like this party.
304
00:14:04,956 --> 00:14:06,648
Pussies.
305
00:14:06,658 --> 00:14:08,109
- Cock.
- Cock.
306
00:14:08,504 --> 00:14:12,187
I'm sorry, gentlemen,
but my husband is feeling ill
307
00:14:12,197 --> 00:14:14,189
and stepped into the men's locker room.
308
00:14:14,199 --> 00:14:16,992
Would you be so kind as to check on him?
309
00:14:17,002 --> 00:14:19,039
Well, I'm not sure if we'll be able
to find him.
310
00:14:19,049 --> 00:14:20,731
Don't worry. I've got a very thick,
311
00:14:20,741 --> 00:14:23,434
yellow toenail finder app on my phone.
312
00:14:27,145 --> 00:14:30,138
Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.
313
00:14:30,148 --> 00:14:32,107
Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.
314
00:14:32,117 --> 00:14:33,834
Ew!
315
00:14:33,844 --> 00:14:34,969
Got him.
316
00:14:36,165 --> 00:14:37,571
Do you think he's dead?
317
00:14:40,009 --> 00:14:41,850
Get the hell out of my face, Brian.
318
00:14:41,860 --> 00:14:43,218
Wha... Quagmire?
319
00:14:43,228 --> 00:14:45,353
No. Quagmire!
320
00:14:45,363 --> 00:14:47,556
- That's what I said.
- Oh. Oh, sorry.
321
00:14:47,566 --> 00:14:49,724
I didn't, I didn't hear you
'cause of the prosthetics.
322
00:14:49,734 --> 00:14:52,060
Hey, just checking to see
if the old man is dead.
323
00:14:52,070 --> 00:14:53,262
Oh, hey, guys.
324
00:14:53,272 --> 00:14:55,172
Geez, how many of us are doing this con?
325
00:14:55,173 --> 00:14:58,166
I've got no chance, have I?
A tertiary character like me.
326
00:14:58,176 --> 00:15:00,802
You most certainly do not.
I don't even think
327
00:15:00,812 --> 00:15:02,504
we're going to give you
the dance you rehearsed.
328
00:15:12,268 --> 00:15:14,760
- You're Margaret's husband?
- That's right.
329
00:15:14,770 --> 00:15:16,595
Listen, rookie,
you're out of your league.
330
00:15:16,605 --> 00:15:19,331
You think you know how to bang
a woman who's seen a dodo bird?
331
00:15:19,341 --> 00:15:20,933
Wait, but how can you be married?
332
00:15:20,943 --> 00:15:22,368
You don't even live together.
333
00:15:22,378 --> 00:15:24,303
She's old. She says,
"You weren't here yesterday."
334
00:15:24,313 --> 00:15:26,305
I say, "Yes, I was." And that's it.
335
00:15:26,315 --> 00:15:29,041
Well, you've clearly invested
a lot of time into this.
336
00:15:29,051 --> 00:15:31,810
And yet two fellows like us
with loose lips
337
00:15:31,820 --> 00:15:33,746
could cause it all to fall apart.
338
00:15:33,756 --> 00:15:35,481
- Who's this trombone?
- I'm the guy
339
00:15:35,491 --> 00:15:38,784
who enjoyed like hell
shopping for this little ruse.
340
00:15:38,794 --> 00:15:41,487
Look, there's plenty
of money to go around,
341
00:15:41,497 --> 00:15:43,289
and I don't know how much more
of this I can take,
342
00:15:43,299 --> 00:15:44,890
so I'll make a deal with you guys.
343
00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:46,925
If you can help me "wrap this up,"
344
00:15:46,935 --> 00:15:49,128
if you know what I mean...
Take her skydiving,
345
00:15:49,138 --> 00:15:52,097
something that might, you know,
overwhelm her elderly heart...
346
00:15:52,107 --> 00:15:53,799
I'll split the estate with you two.
347
00:15:53,809 --> 00:15:56,044
But unless you're prepared
to kill her, get the hell out.
348
00:15:57,146 --> 00:15:59,171
All right, I got to run.
It's her birthday.
349
00:15:59,181 --> 00:16:00,839
Happy birthday
350
00:16:00,849 --> 00:16:03,676
Dear Margaret Woolworth
Carrington Von Schumacher
351
00:16:03,686 --> 00:16:06,612
Chanel Astor Livingston
Compte de Saint-Exupery...
352
00:16:06,622 --> 00:16:08,947
I'm, uh, just gonna hang here
for a minute.
353
00:16:08,957 --> 00:16:10,282
Von Trapp Wykenham Hearst
354
00:16:10,292 --> 00:16:12,484
Montgomery Rothchild
Johnson & Johnson
355
00:16:12,494 --> 00:16:14,787
Twillsworth Dolce Gabbana
Von Zweiger
356
00:16:14,797 --> 00:16:17,656
Second Montgomery De LaRoche
Geico Vanderbilt
357
00:16:17,666 --> 00:16:19,158
Lannister Van Buren Butterworth
358
00:16:19,168 --> 00:16:20,292
How I Met Your Mother
359
00:16:20,302 --> 00:16:23,128
Wrigley Louise-Dreyfuss
Ludwig Morgan Stanley
360
00:16:23,138 --> 00:16:25,664
Dumont Lamborghini
Forbes Higbee Winthrop
361
00:16:25,674 --> 00:16:28,367
Chanel Remi Martin
Fitzwilliam Kennedy
362
00:16:28,377 --> 00:16:31,203
Motel Six Fairchild
Brook Pritzker Davenport
363
00:16:31,213 --> 00:16:34,506
Von Stolen Monty Python
Ellisworth Aston Martin
364
00:16:34,516 --> 00:16:37,209
Haverbrook Ziff Lauder Hilton DuPont
365
00:16:37,219 --> 00:16:39,878
Kincaid Winslow Coors
Oviatt Marlborough
366
00:16:39,888 --> 00:16:42,314
Pembroke Huffington
Bush Mellon Sinclair
367
00:16:42,324 --> 00:16:45,317
Mellencamp Starbucks Van Dyke
Third Montgomery
368
00:16:45,327 --> 00:16:47,920
Marriott Barrington Chadsworth
Big League Chew
369
00:16:47,930 --> 00:16:50,189
Chesterfield Kensington Booth Bishop
370
00:16:50,199 --> 00:16:52,791
Longbottom Nottingham
Meisterburger Burgermeister
371
00:16:52,801 --> 00:16:56,362
Tudor Hapsburg
Rockefeller Onassis...
372
00:16:56,802 --> 00:16:57,948
That's a...
373
00:16:58,374 --> 00:17:00,411
that's a freshly oiled hinge.
374
00:17:10,015 --> 00:17:12,420
Petey, let's play horsey.
375
00:17:15,524 --> 00:17:17,249
That's it!
376
00:17:17,259 --> 00:17:21,854
It's time you do all the work
and I goof off with Mr. Herbert.
377
00:17:21,864 --> 00:17:23,422
Like hell it is.
378
00:17:30,305 --> 00:17:33,399
Jesse, is this really happening?
379
00:17:33,409 --> 00:17:35,701
You're going down, old man.
380
00:17:35,711 --> 00:17:38,036
I ain't the one going down.
You're going down.
381
00:17:38,046 --> 00:17:40,572
No way. I'm gonna pound your ass!
382
00:17:40,582 --> 00:17:43,442
You're seeming kind of cocky,.
383
00:17:43,452 --> 00:17:45,043
Boo, cocky!
384
00:17:52,361 --> 00:17:55,154
Why are you being such a jerk, Dad?
385
00:17:55,164 --> 00:17:57,689
D-D-D-D-D-Dad?
386
00:17:57,699 --> 00:18:00,192
Yeah, this is my dad.
387
00:18:05,707 --> 00:18:09,368
Well, he often said he wanted
to explode all over me.
388
00:18:09,378 --> 00:18:11,069
He finally did.
389
00:18:11,079 --> 00:18:12,905
Sorry I got jealous, Dad.
390
00:18:12,915 --> 00:18:14,773
That's all right, Chris.
391
00:18:14,783 --> 00:18:17,276
Hey, did you get a little
aroused when we were wrestling?
392
00:18:17,286 --> 00:18:19,253
- No.
- Me, neither.
393
00:18:27,429 --> 00:18:31,423
I am Herbert!
394
00:18:33,435 --> 00:18:35,461
I am Herbert.
395
00:18:35,471 --> 00:18:38,573
I am Herbert. I am Herbert.
396
00:18:42,878 --> 00:18:44,169
Good Quahog, evening.
397
00:18:44,179 --> 00:18:46,171
Uh, let's, uh, let's do that again.
398
00:18:46,181 --> 00:18:49,154
Good evening, Hog-quo,
I'm Tucker Tom. Nope.
399
00:18:49,164 --> 00:18:52,110
Good aftereveningnoon,
HogTom, Quo I'merTuck.
400
00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:53,946
Quo Goodningnoon, TomerTuck,
401
00:18:53,956 --> 00:18:56,348
I'm ningningafterevenQuo, Noonhog.
402
00:18:56,349 --> 00:18:57,768
403
00:18:57,793 --> 00:19:00,352
Newport's wealthiest heiress,
Margaret Woolworth...
404
00:19:00,362 --> 00:19:02,120
Holy God, I'm not reading all that...
405
00:19:02,130 --> 00:19:05,457
Was found dead in her home
of an apparent heart attack.
406
00:19:05,467 --> 00:19:07,793
- Did you...?
- No. Did you?
407
00:19:07,803 --> 00:19:10,529
No. You think Quagmire did?
408
00:19:13,742 --> 00:19:16,301
You, uh... you guys actually did it.
409
00:19:16,311 --> 00:19:18,971
And made it look like a heart attack.
410
00:19:18,981 --> 00:19:21,173
Wow. I, uh...
411
00:19:21,183 --> 00:19:22,941
I didn't think you had it in you.
412
00:19:22,951 --> 00:19:25,711
I... I guess you thought wrong.
413
00:19:25,721 --> 00:19:28,347
Listen, I-I know there's been
some bad blood between us,
414
00:19:28,357 --> 00:19:30,182
but I-I promise, it won't happen again.
415
00:19:30,192 --> 00:19:31,717
I hope you can forgive me.
416
00:19:31,727 --> 00:19:34,620
Well... just watch your step.
417
00:19:34,630 --> 00:19:36,154
Well, a deal's a deal,
418
00:19:36,164 --> 00:19:38,257
so here's your share of the estate.
419
00:19:38,267 --> 00:19:40,268
Just sign here.
420
00:19:44,339 --> 00:19:45,898
- We're rich!
- We're rich!
421
00:19:48,443 --> 00:19:50,035
We're rich, Stewie.
422
00:19:50,045 --> 00:19:52,704
And no flip joke can take that away.
423
00:19:52,714 --> 00:19:55,707
Gentlemen,
due to a disastrous investment
424
00:19:55,717 --> 00:19:58,310
in a Mindy Project amusement park,
425
00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:00,479
Miss Woolworth etcetera, etcetera,
426
00:20:00,489 --> 00:20:03,482
died owing $18 million,
427
00:20:03,492 --> 00:20:05,851
for which you are now liable.
428
00:20:05,861 --> 00:20:07,252
We owe money?
429
00:20:07,262 --> 00:20:09,187
Look, Stewie, it-it could be worse.
430
00:20:09,197 --> 00:20:10,789
We could be dead, like Margaret.
431
00:20:10,799 --> 00:20:12,724
You're right. Poor thing.
432
00:20:12,734 --> 00:20:16,070
I guess she just died of natural causes.
433
00:20:19,274 --> 00:20:21,233
What a couple of rubes.
434
00:20:21,243 --> 00:20:24,570
I'm finally out
from under that crushing debt.
435
00:20:24,580 --> 00:20:27,582
I suppose I don't need this anymore.
436
00:20:29,084 --> 00:20:32,298
Yes, that's right. It was a Meg story.32046
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