All language subtitles for Camping.US.S01E05.720p.WEBRip.x265-MiNX[eztv]-eng

Do you want to take
something to help you sleep?

Oh shit.

I gave her an Adderall.

Let's play a game.

- Truth or dare?
- Truth.

- What's your biggest secret?
- My biggest secret is that

- Nina-Joy cheated on George!
- I found something today.

Does this mean what I think it means?

- I don't want to get married.
- I'm just trying to remind you

to hold your blessings and gratitude.

Do you even look at my Instagram?

Gratitude is my most

frequently used hashtag.

Well...

I guess tai chi can fuck right off...

Along with everything
else I've ever planned.

Hey, could you please
rant somewhere else?

I was up till 4:00 a.m.
working on my novel.

- You're writing a novel?
- Yeah.

It's for school. It's 724 pages so far.

Well, congrats on your productive night.

I took a study drug and nearly died.

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I believe a university

in New Jersey that I
could give two shits about.

No, last night, I
dreamed that I was, like,

- falling through a, um...
- It's not uncommon.

It was almost...

- I think dreams go very deep.
- Hi.

Hello.

- That's what it was.
- Ooh-ooh-ooh.

♪ Ooh ♪

Am I Casper the Friendly
Ghost or something,

with my invisible ghost itinerary?

Hey, honey, where have you been?

You have, like, a sheen about you.

Oh, where have I been?

Um, I've just returned from a rage walk.

Oh, that reminds me.

- I need some exercise.
- Oh.

Oh, like tai chi, for example.

The tai chi that was
maybe on your itinerary?

Uh, that sounds fun.
Should we do that later?

Uh, yuck, no.

Let's do that Japanese YouTube tutorial

on ice cream dancing, right?

You know what I'm talking about?

- It's amazing.
- I love Japanese videos!

Yeah!

- No.
- Have you seen

the Japanese videos? Oh, my God.

- Ice cream?
- It will. I got one bar.

- Delish.
- Listen up!

I don't care about
your ice cream dancing

or about any of your exercise regimen,

to be honest. I am
sorry to be hostile, NJ.

It's... it's not about
you, but I feel the need

to say that it's become very clear to me

that nobody cares to
follow the ideal schedule

I so carefully
constructed, including you,

which is fine.

But it makes me need to tell you

that you can fuck right off

and find your own fun.

Whoa, Katty.

Excuse my French. Ah!

I am just still cranked out of my mind

from the pill that Jandice gave me.

Okay, I'm sorry about that.

But I tend to think
that any new experience

is worthwhile, no matter
what it is, you know?

That's so true.

So real.

So if you are looking
at your itinerary...

Doubtful...

Then I should let you know

that the omelet jam has been canceled.

- No.
- Yes, canceled.

Wait, there's no jam?

I just made fresh toast.

No, there is jam, you dumb fuck.

It's on the table in front of you.

There is no omelet jam.

Oh, yeah. It's right there.

However, I should let you know

that some sort of animal has gotten into

the bulk of our food,
including the cheese,

which is full of some kind
of odd little bite marks.

So you can find your own breakfast.

Walter, Carleen, please be
dressed in seven minutes!

We need to replenish our supplies.

As for the rest of you,
you can all fuck right off.

Enjoy the scope of your morning.

- Hmm.
- It's a new...

Okay, gotta go. Now, guys,

when I get to the
supermarket, I'm gonna...

- Walter!
- Yeah.

Hi. Hey.

You wanna unwrap me?

Or should I unwrap myself?

Then Jandie can taste the candy.

I can't right now. I'm
journaling some feelings.

Are they...

sexy feelings?

No, they're angry feelings.

Is this about last night?

The... the... the ring thing?

Nope.

'Cause I... I'm here if
you wanna talk about it.

I don't need to talk about it.

Okay, well...

What would cheer my baby up, huh?

Shall we go to town,
get some "caw-fee"?

I'll buy you some fun little toys, huh?

Come on.

Okay, fine.

Bu you have to wear your gift.

Oh, this is brisk, huh?

Nice and brisk.

It's great to get a break
from the group, right?

Are you having fun?

Right now I'm just

trying to figure out which
direction we came from.

I've got an iPhone
compass mid-download.

On this trip.

Eh... no.

What do you mean "no"?

I mean for the same
reasons you mean "no."

It's kind of a dreadful trip.

Everybody's either in a massive crisis

or trying to knit me a fisherman's cap

for my outsized head or both.

But we aren't in crisis, are we?

Are you fucking kidding me?

We're in constant crisis.

It's been a cold war
since we started the trip,

but make no mistake,

Rome is definitely burning, baby doll,

and the match that lit it
is that other guy's dick.

You wanna have this conversation now?

Hey, relationships are hard, right?

And you and I are basically...

You know, look, it's like this hike.

You know, there's some
nice, flat stretches,

and then some fucking climbs,

and at the end of the
climb, you're still panting.

Well, I'm still panting
after our emotional climb.

And I was also bitten by a snake.

When?

Whe... it's a metaphor.

The snake being that I know

you had lunch with Braylen.

- What?
- I'm sorry.

It's hard to break the habit
of going through your phone,

but it was four months
without me checking it,

and this trip has just been
one trigger after another.

And your passcode is so
easy: 6969, you little freak.

And so in I went,

and I saw that you were making
lunch plans with Braylen.

Are you fucking serious?

So you mean to say that you did not

make lunch plans with Braylen?

You did not make a
date to shit on my heart

over avocado toast and wedge salads?

I mean to say that his mother's sick

and we discussed it, and
I decided to do what's best

for our relationship and not go.

Oh, what a comfort! What a comfort.

So you... you... you decided

to not fully poison our relationship

and instead just lightly
sprinkle arsenic all over it?

Thank you so much.

How long do I have to pay

for my mistake?

I thought you paid in full.

It seemed like you did. But now,

you are on a layaway
plan again for sure.

You know what?

I'm not in the mood for a WUWU.

A what?

A WUWU.

"What's Up With Us."

I asked you a question.

How long do I have to pay?

I don't know.

How long did it take you
to pay off those rooms

at the Ace Hotel?

George, no.

Him being a very stylish

and markedly younger man,

was it important to his hipsterdom

to fuck in a hotel that
embodied his very nature?

Could he not get off without
a needlepoint of a badger

and a vintage mirror in the room?

I'm not doing this.

I came on this trip for you.

- And I know that.
- I'm here for you.

Oh, God, so lovely of you

to be there for me. I
am so grateful for that.

And deep down inside myself,

I will treasure this gesture
till the day I fucking die,

but I guess it kind of sucks for me

when I'm on this trip and I
look at these other couples,

and they have not fucking
cheated on each other,

and they don't even have... a Braylen.

These couples?

They despise each other.

Have you not seen them?

Please, can we save
this for Dr. Schildkraut?

I have things that I want
to say, and I save them.

I lock them up.

I don't yell them

the minute that they come to me.

Oh, congrats, Hillary Clinton!

Nice poker face!

Got it?

Everyone probably expects me
to give you a list of items,

but honestly, I don't care.

I carefully grocery shopped,

and an animal ate those shoppings.

And nobody would have appreciated

my Meyer lemon chicken
and couscous anyway,

so just buy whatever you like.

But didn't you have a
vision for tonight's dinner?

Whatever I pick is
gonna be hotly contested.

- Let's skip it.
- I'll just buy a bunch

of ground chuck and make my
patented jumbo sliders then.

I guess I'll make my famous rolls.

Since when are your
rolls famous, Carleen?

I've never even heard you say
the word "roll" until just now.

You know, if you're
gonna do that, though,

could you also do other
carbs as well, like...

new potatoes, sweet
potatoes, potato chips?

What is wrong with me?

Why do I have to make
it so easy for everyone?

- I'll get dessert, I guess.
- Does anyone have

- a slice of paper?
- Yes.

I have a Moleskine in
the glove compartment.

I find it a great place to jot down

idle thoughts in traffic.

Nobody needs to hear your poetry, Walt.

Mother's Day is more than enough.

You know what, Carleen?
Why don't you do dessert?

Carbs is kind of a big job.

I thought you liked my poems.

Whoa, you're really going
for blood today, Katty.

Wait, so was I demoted?

Well, you weren't promoted.
Let's put it that way.

Come on, guys, let's get this moving.

You think that bar is
walking distance from here?

I have an idea.

Maybe we can all do a
quick visualization exercise

in which we successfully
picture retrieving our items.

'Sup?

Okay, thanks, man.

- Did they let you go poop?
- Uh, no.

They don't consider a tank top a shirt.

But I swiped you something.

Sweets for my sweet.

What is this?

It's a Ring Pop.

Now you have many rings from me.

Did you steal it?

Yes, I did.

Do you see that guy in there?

He probably makes, like, $2 an hour,

and you just stole on his watch.

Well, you stole these tiny pants for me.

I only steal from
businesses that overcharge.

I only steal from assholes.

Okay, just... just unwrap it, okay?

It's delicious.

Lick it.

It's just, how do I
really know it's for me?

I mean, you got it for
me, you gave it to me,

but you could take
it back at any moment.

Why would I lick it if
it's not really mine?

I mean, I just can't believe

you would be that
emotionally irresponsible.

You wanna talk responsibility?

This morning, when you were with Orvis,

you asked him if he was
"down to fucking clown."

He's, like, six.

Six year olds love curse words.

Curse words are crack for children.

"Pussy," "asshole," "fuck," "titties."

They love it.

Look, look, we can't do this, all right?

We gotta settle. If
we go back to the camp

and we're fighting, too,
it's gonna be pandemonium.

What do you say we just smoke some weed?

You have weed?

Yeah, I brought my vape.

Okay.

I feel safe now.

Could I get a sample of
that lean-ground sirloin?

I'm gonna need to do a taste test.

Raw is fine.

You know what? Just put
it right in my mouth.

Oh, Orvis, you're not
allowed to drink the...

Never mind.

Excuse me, sir?

Can you direct me to the nonpareils?

The what?

The nonpareils.

Huh?

A decorative confectionary
made of tiny, sugary balls?

Did you try the beef jerky aisle?

That's the first place I looked.

♪ I like pickles
and pickles like me ♪

Oh, thank God! Walter.

Hey, Carleen. Fancy meeting you here.

I can't find any nonpareils,

and I worry that my dessert
choices won't be up to snuff.

You know what? This is my birthday,

so I will be the judge

of whether the desserts are up to snuff.

But, Walter,

it's not your opinion
that I worry about.

I think we both know what I mean.

I think we both do.

You know, I am not one to get angry.

No, of course not.
You're so even-tempered.

Mom said I was like a spaniel:

always ready for a
walk, a nap, or a snack.

Steady.

Steady.

Oh, but right now, I
don't feel so steady.

I feel really unsteady, actually.

I have this feeling in
my throat that scares me.

Is this what rage tastes like?

Excuse me. This isn't social hour.

We'll talk later.

Let's... let's move it along.

Oh, I was just here for, um, cat food.

Walt, are those all pickles?

Yeah, I wanted to make sure

that George, Miguel,
and I had a jar each.

Are we gonna have a meal of pickles?

Well, I'm not done, Kathryn.

Honestly, just look in your cart

and imagine how you'd
react if you were me.

I can't.

What?

I can't imagine how I'd react.

It is beyond my
imagination what you think.

I just want pickles.
I'll pay for the pickles.

These are my fucking pickles.

Walt! Walter!

Oh, good. We can get a drink.

Well, they probably
won't open for, like,

maybe another five hours.

Let's see about that.

Hey.

Hey. What's up with this cute place?

Uh, we're open at 2:00.

Wouldn't it be so much more fun

if you were open, like, right now?

Mm.

What do you think
Mojo's doing right now?

He's a cat. He's probably sleeping.

But what if he's not?

What if he's started a
revolution in the neighborhood?

You never know. You
really don't, you know?

He might have gathered all the cats,

and they're rising up
to take Silver Lake back

from the oppressive human regime.

Do you want a blow job?

Oh.

A blow job from a pretty lady in a barn?

You're on.

But this isn't a peace
offering beej, right?

I don't want your pity suck.

So you're turning down a blow job?

Even if it's for a little while?

I don't know if it's
gonna be a little while.

It's probably gonna just take a minute.

Even better.

I keep forgetting that I'm mad at you.

But I am mad at you.

All right?

Very mad.

I mean, fuck Braylen.

And fuck you... oh.

- Joe.
- Jesus!

Carleen, what?

You startle so easily lately.

It must be a
post-acute-withdrawal symptom.

You mind not nursing me to death?

I'm trying to nurse you to life.

But if you would rather
Jandice do the job, she can.

What are you talking about?

I know you rubbed
against her in the night.

I heard all about it.

From who?

All right, Kathryn? She's on Adderall.

You can't trust a thing she says.

I can tolerate a whole lot, Joe.

I can take whatever is thrown at me.

But don't make a fool out of me, okay?

Don't make me the fool.

Yeah, I'm not... I'm not doing that.

All right? I would never do that to you.

Then what were you doing
with her in the night?

We were j... we were talking, all right?

We were kicking around business ideas.

I'm not cheating on you.

Was it a business idea
for a kissing machine?

Car... you know what, Carleen?

Can you just back the
fuck off, all right?

I don't know what was
going on, all right?

I was drunk, so...

You're always drunk.

How come every time I see
you, you're having, like,

some insane puke-athon?

You okay?

Sophia, you have to try belly dancing.

It is literally the only
palatable form of exercise.

Hey, excuse me, Jandice, but seriously,

I-I think we need to
talk about this more.

Are you serious? You wanna go home?

Okay, just let me finish

with Jeffrey's Long Island iced tea.

Here you go, sir.

Enjoy.

You guys just make me feel so relaxed.

But I also wanna drive in a convertible

and just let my hair down.

This guy.

The fuck do you want?

I'm trying to serve people.

What the fuck?

Oh.

Oh, I should probably tell you

I don't really work here.

I'm not having a great time.

Okay, uh...

what do you wanna do, baby-baby?

Shit.

Are you going off me?

- A little bit.
- No.

No, no, no, no, no. Just please don't.

Please.

Okay, I'm sorry.

How much are you going off me?

Um... like, 80%?

Shit.

Shit, I wasn't mentally prepared

for you to say anything above 75.

Shit, ah, no... I don't...

I cannot go through this again.

Please, Jandie. I cannot do this again.

Okay, I'm sorry, but I just wanted

a fun little jaunt.

This is a lot, man.

First we get engaged,
then we don't get engaged,

and right before that,
I knocked over the kid

and everybody was a cunt to me.

- Yeah.
- You should've told me

everyone was gonna be cunts to me.

Do they not even get
that I'm a girls' girl?

I know, I know.

I know. I should've been more honest.

I should've... I
should've told... I know.

I'm so sorry. Please.

I'm not having any fun.

I think...

I should go back to LA.

No, don't. Please don't go back to LA.

- LA sucks.
- This trip sucks.

Okay. Okay.

Fuck, can we just...

Can we just do a little bit of something

to chill the fuck out?

'Cause I'm just going to fuck...

Oh! Oh, my God, I have coke.

Yes.

Okay, I...

is that good?

Super chill.

Oh!

I really, really love drugs.

I mean, not in a creepy way.

I really love you, baby.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

I wanna snort this off your cock.

- Okay?
- Oh, Jesus.

I'm gonna tip this on your cock

and then open up my
compact... My mirror...

And crush it like a waffle iron.

What? A... a... are you?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.

Yeah, just... just
don't lead me on, baby.

Let's get some coke on your cock.

Okay.

Okay, w...

why are we doing this again?

It absorbs better up into the dick skin.

I've done it with a ton of guys.

It's kosher.

Just please, don't stop loving me, baby.

Yeah, okay.

- Okay, you ready?
- Yeah.

Sol?

Hey, you seen a pissed off teenager?

No? Okay.

Solomon!

Solomon Jericha! Hey!

You left your cart in
the middle of the aisle.

Now, do you want all of
this fluffed marshmallow,

or are you just being a dick?

- Later.
- Later.

- Can you put that back for me?
- Yeah.

Thanks.

Sol. What the fuck?

Your attitude is "Shitty
Shitty Bang Bang" right now.

- Fuck off.
- Don't talk to me like that!

Why? You talk to your girlfriend

like that all the time.

You talk to her like she's garbage.

Just break up with her already.

That's great advice. What are you,

about to start menstruating?

Uh, I've had my period for two years.

Well, shit.

You know, they don't make
a manual for this shit, Sol,

but I'm doing my best, okay?

You are such a joke.

You think you're cool
because you were in a band

for 11 seconds in 1942.

Yeah, we were almost
signed to Matador, so...

Nobody cares.

I get that you met the Goo Goo Dolls,

- but nobody cares.
- Uh-uh.

Uh-uh. The Goo Goo Dolls met me.

Huh? They were excited to meet me.

You're so full of shit anyways.
Carleen drives you crazy too.

Now you're acting all
Women's March-y about her.

Yeah, Dad, maybe I am.

It's the fucking female future,

so fucking get fucking used to it.

Sorry that took me so long.

I was emotionally conflicted.

Did we fix it yet?

Well...

the blow job certainly helped, but...

we ain't all the way there.

What can I do? Seriously, what can I do?

I wanna fuck somebody else
so that we can be even.

- "Even"?
- Mm-hmm.

Is that how you think this works?

Yeah, kinda.

That's the dumbest
thing I've ever heard.

Why, are you jealous?

You don't want me to fuck somebody else?

I don't get jealous.
It's not an evolved state.

So you won't mind

if I have sex with somebody
in our tent tonight?

You're gonna have sex with someone here?

It's vacation,

and that thing is very spacious.

Oh, good luck.

Thanks. Don't need it.

Dick made of gold.

All right.

Well, that took longer
than I would've liked,

but you all did okay. Although, Carleen,

I have zero idea what
you think we're gonna do

with this vat of rainbow sprinkles.

I like rainbow sprinkles,

Aunt Carleen.

Thank you, Orvis.

Please excuse me.

I need to brush my teeth badly.

- Well, you know where to go.
- And maybe while I am gone

brushing these teeth,

you could take a moment to consider

speaking to Walt and myself
in a more respectful tone.

Jesus. What's gotten into her?

Well, first of all,

you told her that I was hanging
out with Jandice last night,

which was totally innocent, by the way.

I saw a nuzzle I did not care for.

I didn't nuzzle shit.

If I hear the word
"nuzzle" one more time,

I'm going to kill myself.

She was mad at you, Kathryn, all right?

- Not me.
- Mad at me?

You're the one who treats
her like she's your nanny.

If she's mad at anyone, it's you.

Oh, yeah, and years of
verbal and emotional abuse

from you doesn't add up, huh?

- She's mad about that.
- Joe, you're working nerves

- I do not presently have.
- She is mad at everybody.

She has been waiting a
long time to feel this

and to let this out
and to finally express

the pain and the humiliation.

Now she's just mad.

You can't fix it, Kathryn.
You can't change it.

Sometimes, someone is
just so fucking mad,

and they're saving it,
and they're saving it,

saving it, and they just...
They can't save it anymore.

Can we go back to camp and have lunch

like civilized people?

Should we do that?

Because it is my birthday today,

and that is one of my wishes.

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