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1
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:29,234
You see in me a very happy man.
2
00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:32,756
That balloon contains
the two British airmen
3
00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:35,149
who have been hiding in my caf�.
4
00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:38,994
A favourable wind
is even now wafting them
5
00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:41,036
gently back to England.
6
00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:42,838
And now that they have gone
7
00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:46,515
the Resistance cannot
blackmail me into hiding them
8
00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:49,990
and the Germans cannot shoot me
for the same reason.
9
00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:53,834
All that l have to do now
is to get my wife's mother,
10
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:58,869
who is in a coffin in that hearse,
back home and into her own bed.
11
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:02,350
l can then get back to making
as much money as possible
12
00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:04,396
out of the Germans.
13
00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:10,954
Oh, Ren�, you are 'ero of the Resistance!
14
00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:14,032
The whole village
will be talking about you!
15
00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:17,078
l was just doing my duty for France.
16
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:18,718
(Sighs)
17
00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:20,711
Ren�, you must hurry back -
18
00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:24,349
radio London and tell them
the balloon is on its way.
19
00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:27,318
(Moaning)
20
00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:29,868
Ohh!
21
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:32,315
Ooh, Edith?!
22
00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:34,356
Maria?!
23
00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:38,194
Oh, will nobody come to my assistance?
24
00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:41,716
- Ohh...
- What is the matter, Mama?
25
00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:43,518
Oh, Edith...
26
00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:48,355
how much longer have l to wait
to go to ze bathroom?
27
00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:50,476
Oh! Oh!
28
00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:53,711
Shooting has been reported
from behind the woods.
29
00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:56,075
lt will be the army on their manoeuvres.
30
00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:59,436
Let us get back while they are busy
playing at soldiers!
31
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:01,238
Right.
32
00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:05,397
- Oh...
- Shut up!
33
00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:12,035
Hans, have you heard shooting?
34
00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:15,032
- (Gunfire)
- lt is coming from down the road!
35
00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:17,350
Quick!
36
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:31,354
Keep shooting!
That balloon must be brought down!
37
00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:38,079
Keep pumping the blowlamps, Carstairs!
38
00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:42,199
They can probably see the light.
Shouldn't we turn them out?
39
00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:45,317
lf we do that we'll come down, you ass!
40
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:48,153
Oh, yes. Hadn't thought of that.
41
00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:49,958
Oh!
42
00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:58,156
General von Klinkerhoffen,
what is happening?!
43
00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:01,312
That balloon must be brought down!
Fire at it!
44
00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:03,356
(Gunfire continues)
45
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:11,875
(Guns click)
46
00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:15,035
You in there! Lieutenant Gruber!
47
00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:17,918
- Who, me?
- Point your gun at that balloon!
48
00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:21,434
Yes, General, but l think l ought to...
49
00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:24,512
Do not argue - fire!
50
00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:43,869
- Why are you not hitting it?
- Because my shells are blank.
51
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,076
Why are you shooting with blanks?
52
00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:49,470
They were for the manoeuvres.
That's all l have.
53
00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:52,949
l am surrounded by idiots!
54
00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:54,996
Heads will roll for this!
55
00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:58,277
(Gunfire)
56
00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:02,236
(Ricochet whines)
57
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:05,153
(Ricochet whines)
58
00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:06,992
That was a bit close.
59
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,548
- Should we surrender?
- Good idea.
60
00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,949
(Both) We surrender!
61
00:04:12,040 --> 00:04:15,191
- Oh!
- They're not in the mood for a chat!
62
00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:18,192
Keep pumping,
we might gain a bit of height!
63
00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:24,630
(Moaning) Ooh, l'm stiff with the cold!
64
00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:27,791
lnto bed, Mama.
65
00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:30,599
l will bring you a nice hot-water bottle.
66
00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:33,672
You could...you could fill it with gin.
67
00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:36,149
You shall have a gin, Mama.
68
00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:39,630
Now the airmen have gone
we can return to normal.
69
00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:41,676
- (Buzzer)
- Quick, the bed!
70
00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:46,675
Oh! Will these flashing
bed knobs never cease?!
71
00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:50,514
Why don't you put the radio
somewhere else?
72
00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:53,717
- Shut up!
- But we are not expecting a message.
73
00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:56,234
Perhaps they have heard of my exploits.
74
00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:59,312
Maybe General De Gaulle
wants to give me a medal.
75
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:02,073
''Allo 'allo, are you receiving me? Over.'
76
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:06,711
'Allo 'allo, this is Nighthawk,
receiving you loud and clear.
77
00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,234
Put the General on the line, will you?
78
00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:11,231
'We have urgent message:
79
00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:13,709
'Red Riding Hood
must not go to the wood!'
80
00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:15,756
Get the code book. Look it up.
81
00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:17,717
'Red Riding Hood must not...'
82
00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:20,758
All right, we've heard you!
83
00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:24,116
- What does it mean?
- ''Do not release the airmen.''
84
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:25,997
Oh, 'eck.
85
00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:30,198
'Allo 'allo. Red Riding Hood
has already gone to the woods.
86
00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:34,068
Any minute now
she will be knocking on the cottage door.
87
00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:36,879
'The wind is giving us problems.'
88
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:40,077
Also it is giving me a problem.
89
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:42,997
Shut up, you old ratbag!
90
00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:45,196
lt is too late,
91
00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:49,353
the airmen have gone and l am glad
to see the back of them. Over and out.
92
00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:55,195
l think we should all say
a little prayer for the airmen.
93
00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:56,633
Come.
94
00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:58,119
(Sighs)
95
00:05:58,200 --> 00:05:59,918
Dear Lord,
96
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:04,949
please give to the British airmen
a safe landing wherever zey may be.
97
00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:07,076
Amen.
98
00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:17,429
- Hello!
- Hello!
99
00:06:17,520 --> 00:06:19,476
Oh, God!
100
00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:25,789
When General von Klinkerhoffen arrives,
let us know immediately.
101
00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:28,872
Do not keep him waiting.
We do not vant to make him cross.
102
00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:31,394
Yes, Colonel.
103
00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:35,678
Remember, Hans, we know nothing
about what has been going on.
104
00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:37,751
- You understand?
- Perfectly.
105
00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:42,391
- What has been going on?
- Stealing priceless paintings.
106
00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:44,436
We pinched that clock.
107
00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:47,159
The oldest cuckoo clock in existence.
108
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:50,232
Then there was the blowing up
of the railway line.
109
00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:52,754
Helping British airmen to escape.
110
00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:56,879
All these things can affect our careers
very badly.
111
00:06:56,960 --> 00:07:00,396
l vill say l know nothing
of these things you have done.
112
00:07:00,480 --> 00:07:04,393
- You have done them too!
- l was obeying your orders.
113
00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:06,710
You always use that excuse.
114
00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:09,519
What, er, happened to the cuckoo clock?
115
00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:12,398
Ah, l was very clever about that.
116
00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:17,110
l expect you think l had that bust
made of myself out of vanity?
117
00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:22,194
Well, l did, and then l thought
it was so lifelike it could not be vanity.
118
00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:28,194
Hans, that bust conceals
the priceless cuckoo clock...
119
00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:31,033
which l will sell after the war.
120
00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:34,157
l wondered why there was
a key in your ear hole.
121
00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:38,996
Will it still work
after all this time in your concrete head?
122
00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:41,389
The mechanism is in perfect order.
123
00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:47,951
(Ticking)
124
00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:51,275
Hans, you fool!
125
00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:55,638
- What have you done?
- You're right! lt does work! lt is ticking.
126
00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:58,678
lf von Klinkerhoffen
hears my head ticking
127
00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:00,671
he will think l am a bomb!
128
00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:02,910
General von Klinkerhoffen is here.
129
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:05,673
(Cuckooing)
130
00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:08,228
(Colonel) Oh, no - do something!
131
00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:11,676
Don't let him in!
Don't let him in! Don't let him in!
132
00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:14,149
- Do something!
- Don't let him in!
133
00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:17,835
(Cuckooing speeds up)
134
00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:21,751
(Cuckooing stops, spring twangs)
135
00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:23,796
l have shut it up.
136
00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:27,031
Put it back on the desk.
Tell the General to come in.
137
00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:32,356
Show the General in. Oh.
138
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:38,758
General Erich von Klinkerhoffen!
139
00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:44,715
- Heil Hitler.
- Tler!
140
00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:46,392
Why did you keep me waiting?
141
00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:50,109
My assistant was making sure
the office was tidy.
142
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:52,919
The Colonel's head had fallen down.
143
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,911
l see.
144
00:08:57,040 --> 00:09:00,669
l take it this vas done
before ze plastic surgery?
145
00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:04,757
Herr Otto Flick, officer of the Gestapo!
146
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:11,909
l believe you requested my presence.
147
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,275
l did not, l sent for you. Be seated.
148
00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:26,751
lt has come to my attention that
there is much Resistance activity here.
149
00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:29,559
So l am taking command of the district.
150
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:33,519
- That's very good news, General.
- We are quite chuffed.
151
00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:36,319
Priceless works of art have been stolen.
152
00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:39,472
Railway lines and staff cars
have been blown up.
153
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:45,397
Unauthorised balloons
have been observed.
154
00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:48,438
An armoured car has been stolen.
155
00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:53,310
All these incidents encourage other
Resistance groups in other areas.
156
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:56,437
They think they can defy us! lt must stop!
157
00:09:56,520 --> 00:10:00,115
- We quite agree, General.
- lt is not good enough!
158
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,350
We have tried to be kind.
159
00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:05,432
They do not appreciate it!
lt does not vork!
160
00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:10,069
Very little information
regarding zese unruly elements
161
00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:13,516
has been received
from our intelligence sources.
162
00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:16,637
ln other districts
good leads have been obtained
163
00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:22,078
from places to which the people have
free access, such as bars and caf�s.
164
00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:27,154
Furthermore, amorous liaisons
with local women pay good dividends.
165
00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:29,754
We have tried this, General.
166
00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:33,196
- Time and time again.
- Vith the vaitresses in the caf�.
167
00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:35,077
Did you learn anything new?
168
00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:37,151
One or two things, yes.
169
00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:40,550
- Nothing really important.
- l am not surprised.
170
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:43,871
Ze senior underground posts
are usually held by older women.
171
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,918
- ls this not so, Herr Flick?
- Agreed.
172
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:52,518
There is, in fact, an older voman
in the caf� the Colonel is referring to.
173
00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:56,479
l have for a long time
had my suspicions about her.
174
00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:59,870
An officer must be found
who is attracted to older women
175
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:02,520
who can vorm his vay
into their confidence.
176
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:04,716
You have a suggestion, Herr Flick?
177
00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:07,598
My investigations reveal
178
00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:11,195
that Colonel von Strohm
is such a person.
179
00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:14,477
lf l may say so,
you are mistaken, Herr Flick.
180
00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:18,473
His previous successes
with senior women include...
181
00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:21,996
er, a lady hairstylist in Amiens...
182
00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:24,116
Not Claudette's mother?
183
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:28,034
lt was early closing day.
And it was raining.
184
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:30,270
ln Ypres, a cinema usherette.
185
00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:32,316
- The Regal?
- The Roxy.
186
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,789
Oh, was that the one with the, er...
187
00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:36,836
the ice cream tray?
188
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:42,079
From the canals, a lady barge captain.
189
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,628
Oh, the big one with the flat bottom?
190
00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:47,518
The little one with the big funnel.
191
00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:53,268
There seems no doubt
you are ze ideal agent for zis operation.
192
00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:57,035
You will therefore at once
make this lady your mistress.
193
00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:00,788
General, how can l put it?
194
00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:02,996
l don't fancy her.
195
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:05,514
Colonel, how can l put it?
196
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,795
How do you fancy the Russian front?
197
00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:09,677
She's a good cook.
198
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:13,150
Yes, l'd forgotten that.
199
00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:15,310
Good. Let it be done.
200
00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:19,115
- Heil Hitler.
- Heil Hitler!
201
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:21,156
Tler!
202
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:25,116
Phew.
203
00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:33,840
Yvette, what are you doing?
204
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:38,391
Trying to get one in ze top pocket
and screw down the table.
205
00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:41,396
Why did you not wait for me?
206
00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:44,077
Ren�, kiss me!
207
00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:46,196
Oh, Yvette, we must be careful.
208
00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:48,236
My wife has ears like a bat.
209
00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:51,835
She might be suspicious
if she does not hear a game.
210
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:56,357
While you kiss me l will make
ze balls go click in ze pocket.
211
00:12:58,040 --> 00:12:59,837
Oh, Yvette...
212
00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:01,751
Oh, Ren�!
213
00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:03,671
- Oh...
- Oh!
214
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:05,716
(Both moaning)
215
00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:10,479
What are you doing on the billiard table?
216
00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:12,516
You stupid woman!
217
00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:15,637
lt is quite obvious what we were doing!
218
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:19,759
A bulb was on the blink -
Yvette was trying to screw it in tighter.
219
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:22,149
Then why has she not done so?
220
00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:24,196
Because it was too hot.
221
00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:27,477
l was lying there waiting
for it to cool down.
222
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:30,757
Then why did you not switch off
the light?
223
00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:34,799
What? Me, alone in the dark
with one of our serving...?
224
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:38,156
Edith, what kind of a man
do you think l am?
225
00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:42,477
Ren�, always so considerate.
226
00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:45,518
Ren�, Michelle is here.
227
00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:47,955
- From the Resistance.
- Oh, 'eck.
228
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:52,998
- Are we alone?
- l am never alone.
229
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:56,152
Did you manage to hide
ze airmen in a safe place?
230
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:59,676
l have concealed them
where no one will find them.
231
00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:01,751
See.
232
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:07,749
- Hello!
- Hello!
233
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:12,516
Sorry about the balloon, chaps,
but don't think we've forgotten you.
234
00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:15,797
- Good show!
- Bye-bye for now.
235
00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:22,949
Now listen very carefully,
l shall say this only once.
236
00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:27,079
General von Klinkerhoffen
has taken charge of the district.
237
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:30,675
He is a ruthless beast,
without mercy or compassion.
238
00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:33,194
We cannot operate under his tyranny.
239
00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:36,272
Well, we have had a good run
for our money.
240
00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:40,148
l was glad to help.
We will hand over the English,
241
00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:44,756
you can go back to your job
at the post office and l can run my caf�.
242
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:46,751
You do not understand.
243
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:49,673
We cannot operate
under such a ruthless fiend...
244
00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:51,716
so we must kill him.
245
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:54,758
But he is guarded day and night
at the chateau!
246
00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:57,593
Ren�, you could take him some food!
247
00:14:57,680 --> 00:15:00,717
And round your waist
you could strap dynamite
248
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:04,236
and when you got near enough
you could light the fuse
249
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,231
and - poof! - he would be gone
250
00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:10,711
and you would be buried
as a great hero of the Resistance.
251
00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:13,758
First you would have to scrape me
off the walls!
252
00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:16,400
We would only do this as a last resort.
253
00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:18,789
Oh, that is a great relief l am sure!
254
00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:23,078
But a bomb or a booby trap
of some nature may be the answer.
255
00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:26,232
We have the explosives -
we must stay alert.
256
00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:28,709
When the right moment comes...
257
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:30,791
we will strike.
258
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:32,438
Good!
259
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:34,192
Come, girls!
260
00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:38,234
What is your biggest break on this table?
261
00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:41,915
Just now, when my wife swallowed
that story about the light bulb.
262
00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:52,358
Colonel, l... Where's he gone?
263
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:56,319
Colonel, l have the flowers
you ordered for Madame Edith.
264
00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:58,356
On the desk with them, Hans.
265
00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:02,518
My hair is getting very thin on top.
266
00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:05,676
lt's all this worry.
267
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,156
l've combed it across.
268
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:12,232
There's a bit on the other side
you could use.
269
00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:15,316
We must get rid of the General.
270
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:19,678
Yes. lf he finds out what you have
been up to you are for the high jump.
271
00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:23,354
You are in it as deep as l am.
272
00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:26,830
So far he's only discovered
the tip of the iceberg.
273
00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:30,117
You haven't stolen a whole iceberg,
have you?
274
00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:34,193
Hans, the longer he is here
the more we are in danger.
275
00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:36,316
He must be eliminated.
276
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:39,676
We need either a bomb, bullet or poison.
277
00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:43,196
Ooh. l've never seen you
like this before, Colonel.
278
00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:45,236
You did go mad the other day
279
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:48,198
when you accidentally
put salt on your strudel.
280
00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:51,909
Strudel! Something in his food.
281
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:53,956
You have it, Hans.
282
00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:58,875
What we need is a good,
strong, reliable weedkiller -
283
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:00,837
mit arsenic.
284
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:02,911
Where are you going to get this?
285
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:05,673
- You will get it today.
- Where from?
286
00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:08,149
- At the chemist's.
- Oh, Colonel!
287
00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:11,437
You know how l hate
going for things from the chemist.
288
00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:13,272
Besides, it is closing today.
289
00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:17,672
Shoot the lock off,
kick the door in, take an axe!
290
00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:21,753
You are a German officer, Hans -
behave like one!
291
00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:23,558
Yes, Colonel.
292
00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:26,757
And don't come back
with a comb like last time!
293
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:31,111
(lnaudible over piano)
294
00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:35,671
Yvette! Take this jug in
to Herr Flick, will you?
295
00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:38,069
But it is only half full.
296
00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:40,310
l will top it up. Erm...
297
00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:44,557
Will he not notice?
298
00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:47,712
These Germans,
they have no nose for wine.
299
00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:50,996
(Knocks)
300
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:56,994
- Your wine, Herr Flick.
- Pour it.
301
00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:01,356
lt looks very pale.
302
00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:05,433
Er...zis summer,
there were many clouds.
303
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:08,391
(Gasps)
304
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:10,038
(Sneezes)
305
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:13,749
For some reason
it is bringing on my hay fever.
306
00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:19,958
You're very quiet tonight, Herr Flick.
307
00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:22,429
l am thinking dark thoughts.
308
00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:27,116
l find you very exciting
when you are thinking dark thoughts.
309
00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:31,193
lt seems you get excited
at everything, Helga.
310
00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:34,317
Am l permitted to know
what you are thinking?
311
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:37,597
l am thinking about
General von Klinkerhoffen.
312
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:40,717
He has interfered with Gestapo affairs.
313
00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:44,634
- He must be made to pay the penalty.
- What is the penalty?
314
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:46,119
Death.
315
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:48,919
Herr Flick! You vouldn't!
316
00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:50,956
Oh, yes, l vould.
317
00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:54,555
- Oh, no - you vouldn't?
- Oh, yes, l vould.
318
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:58,792
Already l have selected a method.
319
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:03,556
You're probably not acquainted with
the Katari tribe of Vestern Borneo.
320
00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:05,756
No, l've not had the pleasure.
321
00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:12,117
This is the Katari Death Pipe.
322
00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:14,430
Haven't they got big ones!
323
00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:18,992
ln this end we insert this small dart,
324
00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:21,878
the tip of which is impregnated
325
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:27,114
with the deadly extract of a rare
and almost extinct beetle.
326
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:31,591
The smallest puncture results
in violent convulsions
327
00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:34,558
and death within ten seconds
328
00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:37,712
unless the victim receives the antidote.
329
00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:41,036
This is the antidote.
330
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:45,436
The venom is almost undetectable.
331
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:48,637
Vill not the General's suspicions
be aroused
332
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:52,235
when you take the pipe from
the cane and point it at him,
333
00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:56,074
as you're doing at me and vould you
mind pointing it the other way?
334
00:19:56,160 --> 00:19:58,993
The Gestapo have thought of this.
335
00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:01,389
lnstead of zis pipe,
336
00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:05,268
you will use
zis specially adapted cigarette holder,
337
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,675
which fits the dart perfectly.
338
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:14,237
And is effective at three metres.
339
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:18,598
You are not expecting me to carry out
such a cold-blooded action?
340
00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:22,832
lt is for us, Helga - you and l.
341
00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:25,957
lf von Klinkerhoffen
has me recalled to Berlin
342
00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:27,996
l could not live without you.
343
00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:30,310
Oh, Herr Flick, this is terrible.
344
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:33,597
- How long do l have to decide?
- Three seconds.
345
00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:38,028
(lnhaling)
346
00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:40,076
l'll do it.
347
00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:49,838
(Tunelessly)
lf you could only care for me
348
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:54,471
As l could care for yo-ou
349
00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:58,274
Ren�! You're eavesdropping!
350
00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:02,592
- These Germans are terrible people!
- What have you heard?
351
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:05,353
Von Klinkerhoffen
is about to be rubbed out!
352
00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:07,396
Rubbed out? How?
353
00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:10,631
Poof! With a cigarette holder.
354
00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:14,235
But he plays the piano so beautifully.
355
00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:16,276
Not 'im!
356
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:19,477
Helga! Anyway,
the less we know the better.
357
00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:26,795
Hans, have you got the weedkiller?
358
00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:31,670
Even better - the chemist gave me a pill
containing all his best poisons.
359
00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:35,196
You take it with a glass of wine.
One drink and...
360
00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:37,589
all is quiet on the Vestern Front.
361
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:41,116
- Are you sure it will work?
- Yes. l told him it was for you.
362
00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:47,198
Give it to me. l will keep it till we need it.
363
00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:49,919
Yes. Well...
364
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:53,197
how is the big romance
with Madame Edith going?
365
00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:56,670
Have you loosed upon her
your irresistible charm?
366
00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:03,076
- Yes and no. l've given her the flowers.
- Well, that's a good start.
367
00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:06,630
- l told her they were from you.
- Oh... What?!
368
00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:11,111
Hans, l am a colonel, you are a captain.
369
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,156
l give the orders.
370
00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:16,710
l have decided
that you will woo Madame Edith.
371
00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:20,634
- Oh.
- Anyway, you do it better than l do.
372
00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:23,439
Those girls have been gossiping.
373
00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:29,197
(Tunelessly)
lf you could only care for me
374
00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:34,752
As l could care for yo-ou
375
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:38,155
She's stopped. Applaud.
376
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:43,070
- (Strohm) Bravo! Bravo!
- Oh!
377
00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:47,073
The incomparable Mademoiselle Edith!
378
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,674
Come and sit next to the Captain.
379
00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:56,195
Champagne for the handsome captain
and the beautiful singer.
380
00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:58,236
Oh! (Giggles)
381
00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:00,880
The Colonel is drunk early this evening.
382
00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:04,071
Say something complimentary.
383
00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:07,869
There is not another singer
like you in the whole vorld.
384
00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:10,838
Oh, how gallant the Captain is!
385
00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:12,876
l must give you a kiss!
386
00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:14,916
Oh, lucky me!
387
00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:21,310
Oh! Oh, ho-ho! Ooh!
l am all steamed up. (Laughs)
388
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:24,551
Without your glasses
you are even more attractive.
389
00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:26,790
(Laughs) So are you.
390
00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:34,193
What sort of champagne
would you like to buy me?
391
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:36,635
- Well...
- The most expensive?
392
00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:40,759
Treat yourself, Hans.
You're going to deserve it.
393
00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:44,594
l will go and get it for you myself,
personally.
394
00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:46,830
(Chuckles)
395
00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:50,355
Who's paying for this champagne?
396
00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:52,396
Get a receipt.
397
00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:55,153
We will charge it to von Klinkerhoffen.
398
00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:58,869
You're doing very well, Hans,
l think she likes you.
399
00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:03,795
Play your cards right and you'll be
upstairs before the bottle's finished.
400
00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:06,235
Make it a magnum!
401
00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:09,915
He has a naughty look in his eye -
402
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:11,991
l think he is after my favours.
403
00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:15,031
Well, when you hand them out
404
00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:20,319
remember that we need paraffin,
butter - slightly salted - and sugar.
405
00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:25,030
Ren�, will you not be a little jealous
if l take him upstairs?
406
00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:30,069
Oh, yes, l shall weep copious tears
and bang my head against the wall but...
407
00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:32,116
this is war.
408
00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:35,112
And we also need chocolate
and cigarettes.
409
00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:37,873
Cork-tipped, the others make me cough.
410
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,838
Ah! Champagne for the Captain!
411
00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:42,273
Oh!
412
00:24:42,360 --> 00:24:46,239
l am so glad it has all
come out into the open.
413
00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:50,791
The Captain has for a long time
admired Madame Edith.
414
00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:55,510
As we lie in our little bunks at night,
he murmurs her name.
415
00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:58,797
l even called my old bicycle after you.
416
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:01,235
How gallant the Captain is!
417
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:06,036
Perhaps you should take her upstairs?
418
00:25:06,120 --> 00:25:09,112
Colonel! l am not like
those girls behind the bar
419
00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:11,839
who go upstairs
for a few litres of paraffin.
420
00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:13,990
l'm very glad to hear it.
421
00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:16,275
No, she wants eight gallons.
422
00:25:16,360 --> 00:25:20,638
And butter - slightly salted -
sugar, chocolate and cork-tipped cig...
423
00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:24,918
Edith, take this pencil and paper
in case you think of something else.
424
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:28,913
How dare you!
The Captain does not want to be rushed!
425
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:33,312
Perhaps after some more wine
and l have sung you a few more songs.
426
00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:36,472
No, the Captain is much keener
than that.
427
00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:41,588
May l join this party?
l, too, have something to celebrate.
428
00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:45,719
l have been appointed ADC
to General von Klinkerhoffen.
429
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:49,270
Oh, congratulations, Lieutenant Gruber!
430
00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:51,112
Hubert.
431
00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:54,795
He has given me a nice room
at the back of the chateau.
432
00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:58,714
Very private. You must
come up and see it sometime.
433
00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:03,031
l cannot wait.
434
00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:06,954
So you will be working for the General?
435
00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:10,112
Does that mean you vill be in charge
of the wine?
436
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:14,034
My first duty is to organise
a banquet at the chateau
437
00:26:14,120 --> 00:26:16,839
to celebrate the birthday of the Kaiser.
438
00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:19,992
The General is related
and rather proud of it.
439
00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:22,196
He's a bit of a snob, you know.
440
00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:24,919
You and your staff are invited, Colonel.
441
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:28,117
A party! l love a party!
442
00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:30,236
Vill there be plenty of wine?
443
00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:32,276
Of course. Oodles!
444
00:26:32,360 --> 00:26:36,148
There will be a boar's head
with apple in the mouth, chicken,
445
00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:39,994
and the traditional
Black Forest gateau with candles.
446
00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:42,036
l can cook this for you.
447
00:26:42,120 --> 00:26:45,271
And Ren� can serve it -
can you not, Ren�?
448
00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:47,157
W-Well, l...
449
00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:50,596
He could stand behind
the German General all night
450
00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:52,989
until he was allowed to go off.
451
00:26:54,800 --> 00:27:00,158
l-l-l expect the General would prefer
outside caterers and his own staff.
452
00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:04,392
On the contrary, the people in the town
seem reluctant to cooperate.
453
00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:07,438
The boy in the cake shop
was most offhand.
454
00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:09,795
l was about to ask if you could do it.
455
00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:14,829
- Of course we could!
- And you can stay the night!
456
00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:17,514
We have large chambers.
457
00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:20,637
You think of everything, Lieutenant.
458
00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:24,030
Bread! Bread! Loaves of bread!
459
00:27:24,120 --> 00:27:26,588
Oh, my God. Excuse me.
460
00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:30,195
l am an old bread seller.
Bread, who will buy my bread?
461
00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:35,070
l have big ones, small ones,
some as big as your 'ead.
462
00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:37,958
- Who will...
- (Ren�) Shut up! Come here.
463
00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:40,349
Ah, patron.
464
00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:44,508
- You are Ren� Artois?
- l am.
465
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:47,717
Psst. lt is l, Leclerc.
466
00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:51,838
Amazing!
467
00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:55,520
l have come from the Resistance.
468
00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:57,716
- Oh.
- Michelle says
469
00:27:57,800 --> 00:28:00,155
you are to take these small ones...
470
00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:02,356
- Thank you.
- All of them.
471
00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:07,070
lnside is each a stick of dynamite
to blow up the General.
472
00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:10,909
Thank you, bread seller!
473
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:14,072
lf you think l'm going to
strap those to myself...
474
00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:15,957
No, no, no, no, no.
475
00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:20,909
Your wife is to make
a Black Forest gateau for the chateau.
476
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:24,310
- A gateau for the chateau?
- Yes.
477
00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:26,834
ln the gateau
you will put the dynamite.
478
00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:31,118
On top of the gateau - see? -
these candles.
479
00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:34,112
- One of those is the fuse.
- Uh-huh.
480
00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:36,077
Which one?
481
00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:39,072
Er... See, this one. You see?
482
00:28:39,160 --> 00:28:42,596
lt has a lump on the side there
like a handle.
483
00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:44,716
Ah. The candle with the handle.
484
00:28:46,200 --> 00:28:49,033
Good luck and vive la France.
485
00:28:49,120 --> 00:28:50,758
Vive de Gaulle!
486
00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:52,432
Who?
487
00:28:52,520 --> 00:28:55,080
The tall one with the big 'ooter.
488
00:28:55,160 --> 00:28:58,948
Ah. Vive him and all.
489
00:28:59,040 --> 00:29:01,600
Bread! Who will buy my bread?!
490
00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:04,240
Loaves of bread!
491
00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:07,153
Thank you, madame. Bread!
492
00:29:12,800 --> 00:29:16,713
Everything on the list
will be delivered tomorrow morning.
493
00:29:16,800 --> 00:29:19,837
Oh, Edith,
l will never forget you for this.
494
00:29:19,920 --> 00:29:23,595
l will send Maria up with
a warming pan to warm the bed.
495
00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:26,672
There is no need,
the Captain has gone home.
496
00:29:26,760 --> 00:29:29,115
He had an 'eadache.
497
00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:37,389
Now place upon it the top half.
498
00:29:40,400 --> 00:29:45,315
Good. Now we must place in the centre
the candle with the fuse.
499
00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:49,154
These will burn for ten seconds,
activate the detonator,
500
00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:51,674
which will then explode the dynamite.
501
00:29:51,760 --> 00:29:54,638
Will it be a big bang?
502
00:29:54,720 --> 00:29:57,234
The dining room will be demolished.
503
00:29:57,320 --> 00:30:00,198
There will be gateau
and medals everywhere
504
00:30:00,280 --> 00:30:02,589
and Klinkerhoffen will be no more.
505
00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:04,955
Michelle, l have been thinking,
506
00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:08,635
could we not drop a hint
to the Colonel and the Captain?
507
00:30:08,720 --> 00:30:12,508
l know they are Germans
but they are very good customers.
508
00:30:12,600 --> 00:30:14,909
The Captain gave me flowers.
509
00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:18,675
They are ze enemy. This is war.
510
00:30:18,760 --> 00:30:21,513
They are without mercy,
we must kill zem.
511
00:30:22,840 --> 00:30:24,478
Henriette...
512
00:30:24,560 --> 00:30:27,233
take ze trolley with ze hamper.
513
00:30:27,320 --> 00:30:29,709
The chickens are in the 'ampers.
514
00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:32,360
Take that and the gateau to the chateau.
515
00:30:32,440 --> 00:30:36,353
Here. Give them this bill
and tell them it is cash on delivery.
516
00:30:36,440 --> 00:30:39,716
- Service is included.
- What do l do then?
517
00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:43,793
Come back here with the money -
and run the first 100 yards.
518
00:30:43,880 --> 00:30:46,075
(Banging, moaning)
519
00:30:47,200 --> 00:30:49,156
What is it?
520
00:30:49,240 --> 00:30:52,949
How much longer do you expect
your poor old mother
521
00:30:53,040 --> 00:30:55,156
to live in ze larder?
522
00:30:55,240 --> 00:30:57,708
lt is just till your room is repaired.
523
00:30:57,800 --> 00:31:00,314
- Oh...
- Where is the Gorgonzola?!
524
00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:04,313
Oh... l could not stand the smell.
525
00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:07,278
So l...ate it.
526
00:31:11,880 --> 00:31:15,156
- (Static)
- Haven't you got through yet?
527
00:31:15,240 --> 00:31:18,038
l've got as far as
the Wimbledon exchange.
528
00:31:18,120 --> 00:31:22,318
They said l'd have to be patient
and didn't l know there was a war on?
529
00:31:22,400 --> 00:31:24,356
Quite a chatty operator, though,
530
00:31:24,440 --> 00:31:27,671
she says cigarettes
have gone up to ninepence.
531
00:31:27,760 --> 00:31:30,797
- Hardly worth going home.
- (Woman) 'Hello?'
532
00:31:30,880 --> 00:31:34,429
Hello? Mummy? lt's Gavin.
533
00:31:34,520 --> 00:31:38,354
'Good Lord! Are you in a phone box
at the station?'
534
00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:40,749
No, l'm in France.
535
00:31:40,840 --> 00:31:44,719
l can't talk any louder,
there are Jerries everywhere.
536
00:31:44,800 --> 00:31:47,837
'Jerries everywhere?
Are you in hospital?'
537
00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:52,552
No, l'm with Bumbly Carstairs!
538
00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:53,789
Hello!
539
00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:57,475
That's him.
We're doing a bit of decorating.
540
00:31:57,560 --> 00:31:59,790
'Nigel? Nigel? lt's Gavin.
541
00:31:59,880 --> 00:32:03,395
'He's in France with Bumbly
doing some decorating.'
542
00:32:03,480 --> 00:32:05,436
How are you getting on?
543
00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:08,193
'Oh, it's absolute hell.
544
00:32:08,280 --> 00:32:11,989
'We're having a bridge party this evening
and Cook's been called up.'
545
00:32:12,080 --> 00:32:15,709
Oh, dear. Never mind. Soldier on.
546
00:32:15,800 --> 00:32:21,318
'Darling, do give us your address
and Daddy will try and get you out.'
547
00:32:21,400 --> 00:32:23,356
He can't do that, Mummy!
548
00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:25,396
'Don't be silly, darling,
549
00:32:25,480 --> 00:32:28,916
'he's very friendly
with the Duke of Windsor.'
550
00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:33,869
No, l mean l can't give you our address,
someone might be listening.
551
00:32:33,960 --> 00:32:38,112
(Operator) 'Will you pay
for a further three minutes?'
552
00:32:38,200 --> 00:32:41,590
Mummy, could l reverse
the charges just this once?
553
00:32:41,680 --> 00:32:44,069
(Hangs up)
554
00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:46,276
Damn! They've cut us off!
555
00:32:46,360 --> 00:32:48,715
You never asked who won the boat race.
556
00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:52,110
Damn! l knew we called
about something.
557
00:32:57,640 --> 00:33:00,871
lt seems very quiet without the Germans.
558
00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:04,509
lt won't be quiet
when they hear the bang.
559
00:33:04,600 --> 00:33:08,832
Poor Ren�, all this excitement
has given him one of his 'eads.
560
00:33:08,920 --> 00:33:11,309
Oh.
561
00:33:11,400 --> 00:33:14,631
l wish we could warn
the Colonel and the Captain.
562
00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:18,679
We get on quite well,
we have a good working arrangement.
563
00:33:18,760 --> 00:33:22,230
Yes, as long as you do as he says,
he doesn't shoot you.
564
00:33:22,320 --> 00:33:24,914
( lntroduction)
565
00:33:26,040 --> 00:33:29,715
My friends - loyal Frenchmen!
566
00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:33,076
Tonight, the hated Germans
are not with us.
567
00:33:35,080 --> 00:33:37,640
They may never be with us.
568
00:33:37,720 --> 00:33:41,349
We have this day
carved one more step
569
00:33:41,440 --> 00:33:44,989
- in the stairway of freedom!
- (Applause)
570
00:33:45,080 --> 00:33:48,390
She has been reading Victor Hugo again.
571
00:33:48,480 --> 00:33:50,311
We have lit the torch
572
00:33:50,400 --> 00:33:54,029
to banish the darkness
of the shadow which is over our land.
573
00:33:54,120 --> 00:33:57,271
All she did was bake a cake.
574
00:33:57,360 --> 00:34:01,035
There is only one song a Frenchman
may sing at a moment like this.
575
00:34:01,120 --> 00:34:02,838
You all know it.
576
00:34:02,920 --> 00:34:06,435
Boom. Why Does My Heart Go Boom?
577
00:34:06,520 --> 00:34:09,239
( Dramatic introduction)
578
00:34:09,320 --> 00:34:14,235
Arise the children of the Fatherland
579
00:34:14,320 --> 00:34:17,517
The hour of freedom is...
580
00:34:17,600 --> 00:34:21,798
Deutschland, Deutschland �ber alles
581
00:34:21,880 --> 00:34:24,075
La la la la la...
582
00:34:24,160 --> 00:34:26,116
Silence!
583
00:34:26,200 --> 00:34:28,111
They have found the dynamite!
584
00:34:28,200 --> 00:34:32,193
This caf� has been requisitioned
by the German Army!
585
00:34:32,280 --> 00:34:34,430
- Everybody out!
- Everybody out!
586
00:34:34,520 --> 00:34:37,318
Do what the Colonel tells you!
Come along!
587
00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:39,675
Arrange the tables!
588
00:34:39,760 --> 00:34:42,638
l-ls something the matter, Colonel?
589
00:34:42,720 --> 00:34:44,711
Herr Flick of the Gestapo
590
00:34:44,800 --> 00:34:47,951
has learnt that there is a plot
to blow up the chateau.
591
00:34:48,040 --> 00:34:50,235
No!
592
00:34:50,320 --> 00:34:53,710
- Who would do a terrible thing like that?
- The Resistance.
593
00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:56,997
Oh! These Resistance people,
they are the limit!
594
00:34:57,080 --> 00:34:59,913
Are you sure you know nothing about it?
595
00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:03,470
l would have told you,
of course, Colonel!
596
00:35:03,560 --> 00:35:05,994
l am sure it is nothing personal.
597
00:35:06,080 --> 00:35:09,277
l expect they were after
General von Klinkerhoffen.
598
00:35:09,360 --> 00:35:12,193
We're all after General von Klinkerhoffen.
599
00:35:12,280 --> 00:35:16,432
What a shame,
and your nice party all spoiled. Oh.
600
00:35:16,520 --> 00:35:18,476
All is not lost, Ren�.
601
00:35:18,560 --> 00:35:23,634
On my recommendation we will celebrate
the Kaiser's birthday in your caf�.
602
00:35:25,880 --> 00:35:27,836
Oh, what an honour.
603
00:35:28,840 --> 00:35:30,796
General von Klinkerhoffen!
604
00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:36,876
- Heil Hitler.
- Heil Hitler.
605
00:35:36,960 --> 00:35:38,188
Tler.
606
00:35:38,280 --> 00:35:40,840
Please, be seated, Herr General.
607
00:35:40,920 --> 00:35:42,831
Anywhere you like.
608
00:35:42,920 --> 00:35:44,876
This will be my table.
609
00:35:44,960 --> 00:35:49,112
Please make yourself comfortable,
Herr General.
610
00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:52,795
Ren�, we have been
good friends for a long time.
611
00:35:53,960 --> 00:35:55,871
l want you to do me a favour.
612
00:35:57,480 --> 00:35:59,835
- Hide this.
- Of course, Colonel.
613
00:35:59,920 --> 00:36:02,309
- What is it?
- Just a pill.
614
00:36:02,400 --> 00:36:04,356
Oh.
615
00:36:06,520 --> 00:36:08,476
lt will be safe in there.
616
00:36:08,560 --> 00:36:11,870
- Colonel, come and sit down!
- Coming, General!
617
00:36:11,960 --> 00:36:14,758
Not there, that seat is for your assistant.
618
00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:17,274
- Oh, thank you.
- Not you! The girl.
619
00:36:17,360 --> 00:36:19,112
Helga!
620
00:36:19,200 --> 00:36:20,758
Ooh!
621
00:36:20,840 --> 00:36:22,831
Do you have the dart in place?
622
00:36:22,920 --> 00:36:25,559
- Yes, Herr Flick.
- You know what to do.
623
00:36:25,640 --> 00:36:27,392
Yes, Herr Flick.
624
00:36:27,480 --> 00:36:29,391
My hands are shaking.
625
00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:31,675
When sitting next to a general
626
00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:35,070
it is quite proper that
a girl's hands should shake.
627
00:36:40,040 --> 00:36:43,589
That seat is reserved
for my ADC, Lieutenant Gruber.
628
00:36:43,680 --> 00:36:47,593
lt vill be comforting to think
that he will be close at hand,
629
00:36:47,680 --> 00:36:49,716
should you need assistance.
630
00:36:49,800 --> 00:36:51,791
Where's food, where's wine?
631
00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:55,156
We are just hotting up
the chickens, Herr General.
632
00:36:55,240 --> 00:36:57,196
Ren�! The wine!
633
00:36:57,280 --> 00:36:59,430
- And make sure it is the best!
- Yes.
634
00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:01,476
See to the wine, Hans.
635
00:37:01,560 --> 00:37:05,599
And make sure you look after
the General's wine...personally.
636
00:37:05,680 --> 00:37:07,636
Yes, Herr Colonel.
637
00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:13,473
Ren�! Ren�, the Colonel
gave you a pill. Where is it?
638
00:37:13,560 --> 00:37:15,551
l have the pill in the till.
639
00:37:17,080 --> 00:37:19,833
- Which is the wine for the General?
- ln this jug.
640
00:37:19,920 --> 00:37:23,959
- The pill contains a drug.
- The pill in the till?
641
00:37:24,040 --> 00:37:26,998
Take it and put it in there.
642
00:37:27,080 --> 00:37:29,878
- Put the drug in the jug?
- Mm.
643
00:37:29,960 --> 00:37:32,633
We nearly forgot
the most important part!
644
00:37:32,720 --> 00:37:34,073
(Cheering)
645
00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:38,711
Oh, my God!
The gateau from the chateau!
646
00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:41,598
- What about it?
- lt contains a bomb!
647
00:37:41,680 --> 00:37:44,558
A bomb in the gateau from the chateau?
648
00:37:44,640 --> 00:37:48,872
lt was to blow up the General.
Do not let anybody light that fuse.
649
00:37:48,960 --> 00:37:52,316
- Where is the fuse?
- lt is the candle with the handle.
650
00:37:52,400 --> 00:37:55,392
Ren�, you do not need
to kill the General,
651
00:37:55,480 --> 00:37:58,597
we have already arranged
to kill the General.
652
00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:04,276
lf we kill him with the pill from the till
by making with it the drug in the jug
653
00:38:04,360 --> 00:38:06,828
you need not light
the candle with the handle
654
00:38:06,920 --> 00:38:09,229
on the gateau from the chateau!
655
00:38:15,000 --> 00:38:17,468
Simple plots are always the best.
656
00:38:18,920 --> 00:38:21,480
Put the pill in the jug.
657
00:38:23,800 --> 00:38:25,756
(Gasps, whimpers)
658
00:38:27,480 --> 00:38:29,436
l will take it! l will take it!
659
00:38:29,520 --> 00:38:31,795
l do not want to get it mixed up.
660
00:38:33,000 --> 00:38:34,956
Here we are, General!
661
00:38:37,960 --> 00:38:41,430
Ren�, l saw you put something
in the General's wine.
662
00:38:41,520 --> 00:38:44,239
- What was it?
- One of my headache pills.
663
00:38:44,320 --> 00:38:46,276
They wanted to poison him
664
00:38:46,360 --> 00:38:50,239
but l am not having that in my caf�,
it is bad for business.
665
00:38:50,320 --> 00:38:53,517
You won't have a business
if the gateau blows up.
666
00:38:53,600 --> 00:38:55,716
- One thing at a time.
- Rrren�.
667
00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:58,712
The chickens have been
rrroasted and rrready.
668
00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:00,677
Thank you.
669
00:39:00,760 --> 00:39:03,752
Come this way. Yvette, you get started.
670
00:39:03,840 --> 00:39:05,796
Gentlemen, your helmets!
671
00:39:13,360 --> 00:39:17,319
We are here to celebrate
the birthday of my ancestor.
672
00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:20,870
Wilhelm Viktor Albert ll,
Markgraf of Brandenburg,
673
00:39:20,960 --> 00:39:22,871
Burgrave of Nuremberg.
674
00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:25,918
Better known to us all as ze Kaiser!
675
00:39:26,000 --> 00:39:28,912
They did very well
in the stocking business.
676
00:39:31,800 --> 00:39:33,756
Charge your glasses!
677
00:39:33,840 --> 00:39:35,796
This one!
678
00:39:35,880 --> 00:39:37,836
Allow me, General.
679
00:39:39,320 --> 00:39:41,276
- No.
- No, Helga.
680
00:39:41,360 --> 00:39:44,113
This is special wine for the General.
681
00:39:50,880 --> 00:39:52,472
The Kaiser!
682
00:39:52,560 --> 00:39:54,516
(All) The Kaiser!
683
00:40:07,640 --> 00:40:09,551
What time do you make it, Hans?
684
00:40:09,640 --> 00:40:11,596
Not thinking of leaving, Colonel?
685
00:40:11,680 --> 00:40:15,514
No, General.
l wasn't thinking of leaving.
686
00:40:15,600 --> 00:40:18,910
Perhaps it had settled
on the bottom of the glass.
687
00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:21,514
A toast to the Kaiser's wife!
688
00:40:21,600 --> 00:40:23,431
Mrs Kaiser!
689
00:40:27,560 --> 00:40:29,516
Ahh.
690
00:40:34,480 --> 00:40:36,835
Did the Kaiser have a dog?
691
00:40:39,800 --> 00:40:42,314
Let me refill your glass, General.
692
00:40:42,400 --> 00:40:44,755
Of course. Where is the food?
693
00:40:44,840 --> 00:40:47,229
Er, just coming, General!
694
00:40:48,360 --> 00:40:51,352
Gentlemen, l give you
695
00:40:51,440 --> 00:40:54,398
the smartest regiment
in the German Army!
696
00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:56,994
The 7th Prussian lnfantry!
697
00:40:57,080 --> 00:40:59,036
Who wants well done?
698
00:41:00,600 --> 00:41:02,511
The smartest regiment!
699
00:41:02,600 --> 00:41:04,750
(All) The smartest regiment!
700
00:41:21,160 --> 00:41:23,071
Where is my chicken?
701
00:41:25,040 --> 00:41:30,239
lt-lt is a little...higher...than the others.
702
00:41:30,320 --> 00:41:32,311
l will get you another one.
703
00:41:36,840 --> 00:41:41,152
Colonel, l am his ADC,
do you not think l ought to tell him?
704
00:41:42,240 --> 00:41:45,471
One of the first things
you learn at military academy
705
00:41:45,560 --> 00:41:49,314
is never to tell a general
when he has a chicken on his head.
706
00:41:51,560 --> 00:41:54,791
What happens
when the gravy goes down his neck?
707
00:41:56,160 --> 00:41:58,469
The wine should work before that.
708
00:41:58,560 --> 00:42:00,516
Have some more wine, General.
709
00:42:01,640 --> 00:42:06,111
Yvette! Maria! We need a bucket of water
and a bucket of sand!
710
00:42:06,200 --> 00:42:08,873
We must put out that bomb
before it goes off.
711
00:42:08,960 --> 00:42:13,192
You will not. When it is lit
you have only ten seconds to escape.
712
00:42:13,280 --> 00:42:15,396
My restaurant will be wrecked!
713
00:42:15,480 --> 00:42:19,598
The crater will be a monument
to ze bravery of ze Resistance.
714
00:42:19,680 --> 00:42:21,796
You are out of your tree.
715
00:42:23,440 --> 00:42:26,079
To Adolf Hitler!
716
00:42:26,160 --> 00:42:28,116
(All) Adolf Hitler!
717
00:42:31,520 --> 00:42:34,830
- And Eva Braun!
- (All) Eva Braun!
718
00:42:37,520 --> 00:42:40,273
And their little doggie!
719
00:42:47,200 --> 00:42:50,715
Now that we have toasted
the F�hrer you may all smoke.
720
00:42:54,400 --> 00:42:57,312
Oh, my God. The poison dart!
721
00:42:57,400 --> 00:43:00,278
Oh, not in my caf�!
722
00:43:00,360 --> 00:43:03,557
Oh, dear, l have misplaced
my cigarette holder.
723
00:43:03,640 --> 00:43:05,596
May l borrow yours?
724
00:43:08,080 --> 00:43:10,435
There seems to be a small blockage.
725
00:43:20,000 --> 00:43:23,470
Oh, my God, they have got the Gestapo!
726
00:43:23,560 --> 00:43:26,438
Yes, that seems to have cleared it.
727
00:43:48,680 --> 00:43:50,591
The antidote, quick!
728
00:43:50,680 --> 00:43:52,636
Where is it?!
729
00:43:53,920 --> 00:43:55,876
Oh, good.
730
00:44:24,160 --> 00:44:27,118
What is the matter with that man?
731
00:44:27,200 --> 00:44:29,156
He had the fish.
732
00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:35,559
General! lt is midnight!
733
00:44:35,640 --> 00:44:38,950
Oh dear, we are behind schedule,
but never mind.
734
00:44:39,040 --> 00:44:43,795
lt is at this hour that our beloved Kaiser
drew his first royal breath.
735
00:44:43,880 --> 00:44:48,078
ln accordance with family tradition
l will now light the candles.
736
00:44:48,160 --> 00:44:50,230
Maria! Yvette! The buckets!
737
00:44:50,320 --> 00:44:52,788
- Where are you going?
- To the little boy's room!
738
00:44:52,880 --> 00:44:57,078
- Sit down.
- The Colonel also wants to go.
739
00:44:57,160 --> 00:44:59,469
- No, l do not.
- Yes, you do!
740
00:44:59,560 --> 00:45:02,552
- No, l do not!
- Colonel, come here...
741
00:45:04,840 --> 00:45:06,796
Yes, l do!
742
00:45:06,880 --> 00:45:08,996
Sit down!
743
00:45:10,240 --> 00:45:12,151
Open this door! Open up!
744
00:45:12,240 --> 00:45:16,279
Stay where you are!
On the count of ten, get down.
745
00:45:16,360 --> 00:45:19,158
The candle with the handle!
746
00:45:19,240 --> 00:45:21,231
Now they are all lit!
747
00:45:21,320 --> 00:45:24,710
And now to commemorate
the moment 82 years later
748
00:45:24,800 --> 00:45:26,756
when he drew his last breath,
749
00:45:26,840 --> 00:45:29,195
we will blow them all out again.
750
00:45:31,680 --> 00:45:35,150
For a moment l thought
l was going to join the Kaiser.
751
00:45:36,560 --> 00:45:40,030
Ren�, the candle with
the handle is still lit.
752
00:45:41,160 --> 00:45:42,957
(All puffing)
753
00:45:43,040 --> 00:45:44,996
Oh!
754
00:45:56,360 --> 00:45:58,396
What do you think you are doing?!
755
00:45:59,920 --> 00:46:04,516
l did this in memory of the day
that the Kaiser was buried.
756
00:46:07,000 --> 00:46:09,309
(Slurs) The burial of the Kaiser!
757
00:46:10,440 --> 00:46:12,510
(All) The burial of the Kaiser!
758
00:46:13,920 --> 00:46:17,913
Ren�! That is the jug with the drug!
759
00:46:19,040 --> 00:46:21,156
After all that l've been through,
760
00:46:21,240 --> 00:46:23,151
l could do with a little aspirin.
58287
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