All language subtitles for Allo. Allo. - 01x05 - The Funeral.DVDRip.English

-//- Subtitle FPS=23,976 - Edited by DivXTurk v.1.5.4.23 -\\-

( theme music playing )

yesterday was for me
a very bad day.

i was arrested
for blowing up a railway line,

which i did not do.

and general von klinkerhoffen,
a very important kraut,

had me shot at dawn.

but my two friends,
the german officers over there,

put dummy bullets
in the firing squad's rifles,

so that i could live
to tell the tale.

which is what
i am doing now.

needless to say,
i owe them a favor.

rene!

eh?

coming.

now that things
are back to normal--

almost normal,
we have not yet

got back the painting
of the fallen madonna
with the big---

stop that!

rene, now that things
are back to almost normal,

i think you
owe me a favor.

of course, colonel.
yvette or maria?

it is so hard
to decide.

no contest.

in half an hour?

perfect.

one little thing
is worrying me,
colonel.

what's that, rene?

well, the lieutenant
who was in charge

of the firing squad
that shot me,

he is a regular
customer of mine.

will he not think it
a little strange

to find me still here,
alive?

- we thought of that.
- we think of everything.

we told him your cafe
was now being run

by your twin brother.

what a brilliant idea,
colonel.

how do you think
of these things?

we have to be
on our toes.

he's looking forward
to meeting you.

do you think
it will work?

of course, you look
exactly like yourself.

you are most reassuring,
colonel.

oh, one other thing.

i am running
very short of butter,
sugar and paraffin.

do you think you could
let me have a little
from your store?

rene, we cannot keep on
fiddling our books.

it's not fair on hans.

i'll manage somehow.

thank you, dear colonel.

ah, helga,
sit down.

have you seen herr flick
of the gestapo?

yes, i carried out
your instructions.

i told him rene
has been shot,

and his twin brother has arrived
from nancy to run the cafe.

did he believe you?

after some interrogation.

why did he
interrogate you?

it was raining so we
decided not to go out.

( banging )
edith, yvette!

oh, will nobody
come to help me-eee?

here we are, mamma.

oh! not more onion soup?

no, today
we have a treat.

- oooh!
- haricot beans.

awww.

it's more than
an old woman can bear.

but no matter.
come close, edith.

now that rene is dead,

have you found his will?

mamma, he is not dead.

he is down below.

ah, well.
the life he led,
i am not surprised.

now, edith,
you must marry again.

why do you not marry
monsieur maurice?

he owns
the hotel grand place.

he has a cafe--

mamma, rene is not dead.

he has a bigger one
than rene.

do not fill your head
with such things.

i must go,
i have much to do.

edith?

what are you
going to do

about the airmen
in my wardrobe?

there are no airmen
in your wardrobe.

we have hidden them
in the henhouse.

airmen in the henhouse?

sometimes i think

i'll go round the twist.

maria...

yvette...

the two german officers
in half an hour.

did you explain
that the flying helmet
and the egg whisk are extra?

not this time.
this one is on the house.

oh, rene, what about
the resistance?

you know we have
to give them 10%.

they will be very cross
if they find out

we are giving
the germans freebies.

take it out
of the till.

ah...

good afternoon.

allow me
to introduce myself.

i am lieutenant gruber.

i was a very close friend
of your brother.

ah, my twin brother,
rene, yes.

it was very sad.

unfortunately, i was...

in charge
of the firing party.

yes, i know.

orders, you understand?

i hope you will not...
hold it against me?

i will try not to.

eh, your usual?

whatever
that may be?

that is my usual,
how extraordinary!

you bear a most remarkably
close resemblance to rene.

i know.

you even have the same
pretty rings.

yes, yes.
he left them to me.

now i come to look,
your eyelashes are
a little longer,

and your hands
are more...

artistic.

the colonel told me you arrived
from nancy this morning?

yes, he is
quite right.

is that where
you and rene were born?

yes, we were
both nancy boys.

rene, i must
talk to you.

we have to feed
the hens.

she called you rene.
that is very strange.

ye-- we-- well--
you see we were so alike

there did not seem
to be any point

in giving us
different names.

so they called you
both rene?

that must have been
very confusing.

oh, no. they called us
rene one and rene two.

are you one?

no, i am definitely two.

otto,
what brings you here?

i am here on
official business.

you will refer to me
as herr flick.

yes, herr flick.

and stand up
when you talk to me!

yes, herr flick.

come here.

yes, herr flick.

you are wearing perfume.

you gave it to me,
herr flick.

that is no excuse.

members
of the german forces

should not wear
perfume on duty.

even if
they are girls.

turn around.

at least
your hair is tidy.

- turn around.
- yes, herr flick.

you wish me to tell
the colonel that you're here?

no, i will
tell him myself.

you wish me to kiss you?

well...

just a little one.

thank you, herr flick.

you're welcome.

heil hitler!

heil hitler!

klup!

your visit
is unexpected,
herr flick.

so it seems.

we were just
reading how well
the war is going.

there is a very good picture
of the fuhrer on page three.

i understand
you shot a saboteur.

yes, herr flick.

were there any peasants
present at the execution?

a few, herr flick.

did you take their names?

did you take
their names, hans?

uh, i think there
was one called bobby.

fool!

they might have been
members of the resistance.

they might have
been members of
the resistance, hans.

but you gave me
no orders.

that is no excuse.

you should have
asked them their
names and addresses.

you ask
a french peasant that,

he drops his onions
and runs like the clappers.

this being the case,
you must attend the funeral.

- funeral?
- funeral?

to the resistance,
he's a hero.

they will come to pay
their respects.

i will observe
from a discreet distance.

you will obtain
names and photographs.

heil hitler.

- heil hitler.
- klup!

carstairs...

that cockerel hasn't
taken his eyes off you

for the last hour.

i suppose sitting
in this position,

he thinks i'm
going to lay an egg.

i wish you would.

i'm dashed hungry.

ahh, dinner time.

it's that resistance
girl, michelle.

hello, chaps,

sorry about
the cramped quarters.

i'm afraid you've got
to lie low a bit longer.

it's not exactly
luxurious, you know?

fairfax nearly fell off
his perch last night.

we're trying to get
through to london,

to get them to send
a plane for you.

oh, good show!

by the way,
we're jolly thirsty.

see the button
on that feeder there?

press it with your nose

and the trough
will fill with water.

oh! thanks,
awfully.

toodle-oo.

toodle-oo.

yvette, quick.
i want you upstairs.

ohhh!

no, it is the wireless.

( banging )

mamma, we have to use
the radio under your bed.

has monsieur maurice
proposed to you yet?

mamma, rene is not dead.

i saw him fall.

i heard the shots
with my own ear trumpet.

he has come to haunt me!
call the priest!

it is rene,
he is alive.

no, no, no.
he is a phantom.

see? my stick
goes through him.

you stupid old bat!

are you trying
to kill me or something?

ohh! it is a miracle.

tell maurice
the wedding is canceled.

take no notice of her.
get the bed up.

one, two, three.

oh.

oh my god.

who is this
monsieur maurice?

he owns the hotel
grand place
and a cafe.

why does she want
you to marry him?

he has a bigger one
than you have.

but rene does more
behind the bar.

this is true.

'allo, 'allo,
this is nighthawk.

are you receiving me?
over.

london is receiving you.

pass your message, over.

the hens are still
in the henhouse, over.

what is so strange
about that?

over.

the two airmen want
to go home, over.

please use the code.

over.

the hens are still
in the henhouse! over!

roger, nighthawk.

now, listen
very carefully.

the big one will
arrive at midnight.

ooh, monsieur maurice,

what did i tell you?

shut up!

this means
they are dropping

the consignment
that we have ordered.

that must be the new uniforms
for the german officers--

which they no longer need--
and the forged painting

of the fallen madonna
with the big boobies.

thank you, london.
over and out...

and things.

there is a man
downstairs.

he says he is
an undertaker.

well, what does
he want?

he has come to measure you
for the coffin.

oh, i forgot
i was dead.

good afternoon.

good afternoon.

my name is alphonse,
director of funerals.

my card.

ah, thank you.

"swiftly
and with style."

i like that.

this is the wife--
of my brother, rene.

the dead one.

charmed.

and this lady?

oh, that is yvette.

a servant girl.

i used to work
under the deceased.

- a sad occasion.
- tragic.

where is the body?

in the larder.
in the office.
in the cellar.

we have been
moving him about a bit.

i shall have to take
the measurement later.

but first
we must decide on...

some distressing details.

rene:
of course.

if monsieur
would like?

now first...

the coffin.

oak... elm...

ash... pine...

which do you
favor?

do you not have something
a little bigger?

these are samples
of the wood!

oak is
35,000 francs.

ash, 25,000 francs.

elm, 15,000.

pine, 10,000 francs.

this is very
expensive.

do you not have
something in orange box?

we must have oak!
all my neighbors will expect it.

edith, i am
paying for this.

do you want to humiliate me
in front of my neighbors?

oak. now, as you have
chosen the oak,

you shall
always want...

the bronze handles.

they last longer.

why should this be
an advantage?

we're not pulling
him up again.

and the brass nameplate

with the letters
inlaid in silver.

might i suggest...

"to my beloved husband,

sadly missed"?

( sobbing )

excuse me,
may i say something?

they shot him,

you cannot have
"sadly missed."

what does
madame suggest?

he was brave.
he died for france!

long live de gaulle.

who?

de gaulle, you know,
the one who scarpered.

oh, de gaulle, heh.

there should be
a poem.

"the rifles fired,

the bullets hit.

how we shall miss

that little man,

and pray it didn't
hurt a bit."

( sobs )

that would be,
at 200 francs a letter,
12,000 francs.

12,000 fr--

just put "goodbye."

i will pay. there is
provision in the will.

what will?!

i found it.

it was in the secret drawer
of the bureau

in the dressing room
of my mother.

it leaves everything to me.

i think there
will very likely
be another will.

now it only remains
for me to measure,

if you will pardon me,

the body.

well, that is
no problem,

i am his twin bother,
you can measure me.

monsieur, i am
professional.

we have
our etiquette.

if it ever leaked out
that i measure you

instead of the body,

every undertaker
in france would laugh.

that would be unusual,
i'm sure.

perhaps before
you measure,

if you will pardon me,
the body,

you would like
a cognac?

that is most kind.

yvette.

edith, when
monsieur alphonse

has finished
his cognac,

show him the body
in the office.

but, rene--

rene's body,
that's right.

monsieur alphonse,
i am sure you will
forgive me

if i do not
come with you.

it is very difficult
for me, you understand?

of course, of course,
monsieur.

( dishes clattering )

it is the unquiet spirit
of my husband.

are we ready?

i hope so.

sorry.

force of habit.

madame.

pardon.

why does he have
flour on his face?

uhh... when he
was arrested,

he was making
a roly-poly pudding.

just think...

we will never see
his roly-poly again.

( squeaking )

right,

before i go, i will
need the signature

of the brother-in-law.

where do you think
he is at the moment?

i do not know,
but, uh...

i am sure he will
join us in the bar

as soon as he can.

( sneezes )

have you finished?

it is all done.

how did he look?

terrible!

your signature, monsieur.

of course.

- thank you, sir.
- thank you.

thank you,
thank you.

oh, monsieur.

thank you.

oh, i have left
my tape measure.

all:
we'll get it for you.

( knocking )

who is that?

don't open the door
till i put the lid on.

it is michelle
of the resistance.

oh.

what does she want?

well, how do i know?
open the door and find out.

quick, all of you,
inside.

what is happening?!

last night the picture
of the fallen madonna

with the big boobies
did not come by parachute.

these did.

we are being pursued
by a german patrol.

you must hide them
for us.

well, what are they?

anti-tank mines.

treat them very gently.

keep a cool head.

if the germans find them,
you will be shot.

at these prices,
i cannot afford
another funeral.

we must go,
through the back.

well, where am i
supposed to hide these?

you will think of something,
but hurry.

the germans may have
seen us enter.

oh, german soldiers
coming towards us.

oh, heck.
quick, in the coffin.

not you!
these.

what is
all these bottles

doing in the coffin
of my husband?

they are
to make it heavy.

so that when they
lift it up, they think
that i am in it.

( banging on door )

quick, the others!
the rest.

oh... wait till i
put the lid on.

all right,
all right.

what do you want?

we demand entry.
stand aside.

why do you bother
a poor woman

in her time of grief?

we are hunting members
of the resistance,

and they came in
through this door.

we-- we thought they
were customers,

but they came
straight through
and out the back.

did you see their faces?

no, we were busy
doing the screwing.

what's going on?
what were the soldiers doing?

they were following
the resistance.

rene, you must stop
seeing those people.

if herr flick finds out,
he will make you talk.

and you might
tell him about us.

i would die before
i did that, colonel.

i will try
to arrange it.

now did you put
the weights in the coffin?

yes, colonel, yes.
i have just finished.

hans, the black bands.

ah.

are you coming
to the funeral, colonel?

- of course.
- we were very fond of you.

one word of warning,

herr flick
will be observing
from the bushes.

make sure no members
of the resistance are there.

oh, of course, colonel.
thank you for telling me.

( church bell ringing )

what's that?

i paid for the bells.

the whole village
of nouvion

will come to pay
their respects.

how much did
they cost?

it was very cheap.

100 francs a bong.

you are having
50 bongs.

rene:
what is this?

the choir.

how much do
they cost?

well, they said you
would give them the usual,

and then they giggled,
so i did not understand.

they look very beautiful
standing there

with their candles.

i'd like this
when my turn comes.

or even before.

♪ there was a monk
of high-- ♪

shut up!

what on earth
is he doing here?

he was 500 francs.

the real priest
was 3,000.

good choice,
edith.

we are gathered here

to pay our respects

to our good friend
re-- rene.

one, two, three, four...

( music plays )

♪ ahhh-ve ♪

♪ mariii-- ♪

♪ iiia... ♪

gounod?

your guess is
as good as mine.

flick:
something is happening.

we must move
to a better position.

the back of the car,
herr flick?

to observe
the funeral.

( engine starts )

there's only a handful
of my friends here.

i thought you said
the whole village of nouvion

was turning out
to mourn my passing?

the nouvion rangers
are playing away.

rene,

hold on to my arm.

are you going to faint?

no, i cannot see.

rene, do you think
the resistance

will be very cross
with us

because we are burying
the anti-tank mines
in a coffin?

that is their funeral.
this is mine.

do you think we
should goosestep?

no, hans. that would
be very poor taste.

it is bad enough
we have with us

the man who shot him.

i was obeying orders.

i was most upset.

as i uttered
the word...

"fire,"

i felt
a complete rotter.

this will do.
they cannot see us here.

you will bend over
and touch your toes.

what have you
in mind, herr flick?

i wish to steady
my binoculars.

rene:
what is wrong?

hurry up!

who has the key?

the priest
has the key.

i have?

not you!
the real priest.

where is he?

he plays center-half
for the nouvion rangers.

we have had it!

what is the problem?

th-- the priest
has forgotten the key.

shall i shoot off
the lock?

if it wasn't for you
and your shooting

we wouldn't be here
in the first place.

can you all
come back tomorrow?

i won't keep until tomorrow.

look, the cart!

oh, heck.

the mines!

something very strange
is happening.

( muffled )
what is that,
herr flick?

the coffin
and all the mourners

are heading
in this direction.

should we move
to another position?

no, we are quite safe here.

that was very amusing.

that was not so amusing.

( theme music playing )