Original subtitles

-//- Subtitle FPS=23,976 - Edited by DivXTurk v.1.5.4.23 -\\-

( theme music playing )

yesterday was for me a very bad day.

i was arrested for blowing up a railway line,

which i did not do.

and general von klinkerhoffen, a very important kraut,

had me shot at dawn.

but my two friends, the german officers over there,

put dummy bullets in the firing squad's rifles,

so that i could live to tell the tale.

which is what i am doing now.

needless to say, i owe them a favor.

rene!

eh?

coming.

now that things are back to normal--

almost normal, we have not yet

got back the painting of the fallen madonna with the big---

stop that!

rene, now that things are back to almost normal,

i think you owe me a favor.

of course, colonel. yvette or maria?

it is so hard to decide.

no contest.

in half an hour?

perfect.

one little thing is worrying me, colonel.

what's that, rene?

well, the lieutenant who was in charge

of the firing squad that shot me,

he is a regular customer of mine.

will he not think it a little strange

to find me still here, alive?

- we thought of that. - we think of everything.

we told him your cafe was now being run

by your twin brother.

what a brilliant idea, colonel.

how do you think of these things?

we have to be on our toes.

he's looking forward to meeting you.

do you think it will work?

of course, you look exactly like yourself.

you are most reassuring, colonel.

oh, one other thing.

i am running very short of butter, sugar and paraffin.

do you think you could let me have a little from your store?

rene, we cannot keep on fiddling our books.

it's not fair on hans.

i'll manage somehow.

thank you, dear colonel.

ah, helga, sit down.

have you seen herr flick of the gestapo?

yes, i carried out your instructions.

i told him rene has been shot,

and his twin brother has arrived from nancy to run the cafe.

did he believe you?

after some interrogation.

why did he interrogate you?

it was raining so we decided not to go out.

( banging ) edith, yvette!

oh, will nobody come to help me-eee?

here we are, mamma.

oh! not more onion soup?

no, today we have a treat.

- oooh! - haricot beans.

awww.

it's more than an old woman can bear.

but no matter. come close, edith.

now that rene is dead,

have you found his will?

mamma, he is not dead.

he is down below.

ah, well. the life he led, i am not surprised.

now, edith, you must marry again.

why do you not marry monsieur maurice?

he owns the hotel grand place.

he has a cafe--

mamma, rene is not dead.

he has a bigger one than rene.

do not fill your head with such things.

i must go, i have much to do.

edith?

what are you going to do

about the airmen in my wardrobe?

there are no airmen in your wardrobe.

we have hidden them in the henhouse.

airmen in the henhouse?

sometimes i think

i'll go round the twist.

maria...

yvette...

the two german officers in half an hour.

did you explain that the flying helmet and the egg whisk are extra?

not this time. this one is on the house.

oh, rene, what about the resistance?

you know we have to give them 10%.

they will be very cross if they find out

we are giving the germans freebies.

take it out of the till.

ah...

good afternoon.

allow me to introduce myself.

i am lieutenant gruber.

i was a very close friend of your brother.

ah, my twin brother, rene, yes.

it was very sad.

unfortunately, i was...

in charge of the firing party.

yes, i know.

orders, you understand?

i hope you will not... hold it against me?

i will try not to.

eh, your usual?

whatever that may be?

that is my usual, how extraordinary!

you bear a most remarkably close resemblance to rene.

i know.

you even have the same pretty rings.

yes, yes. he left them to me.

now i come to look, your eyelashes are a little longer,

and your hands are more...

artistic.

the colonel told me you arrived from nancy this morning?

yes, he is quite right.

is that where you and rene were born?

yes, we were both nancy boys.

rene, i must talk to you.

we have to feed the hens.

she called you rene. that is very strange.

ye-- we-- well-- you see we were so alike

there did not seem to be any point

in giving us different names.

so they called you both rene?

that must have been very confusing.

oh, no. they called us rene one and rene two.

are you one?

no, i am definitely two.

otto, what brings you here?

i am here on official business.

you will refer to me as herr flick.

yes, herr flick.

and stand up when you talk to me!

yes, herr flick.

come here.

yes, herr flick.

you are wearing perfume.

you gave it to me, herr flick.

that is no excuse.

members of the german forces

should not wear perfume on duty.

even if they are girls.

turn around.

at least your hair is tidy.

- turn around. - yes, herr flick.

you wish me to tell the colonel that you're here?

no, i will tell him myself.

you wish me to kiss you?

well...

just a little one.

thank you, herr flick.

you're welcome.

heil hitler!

heil hitler!

klup!

your visit is unexpected, herr flick.

so it seems.

we were just reading how well the war is going.

there is a very good picture of the fuhrer on page three.

i understand you shot a saboteur.

yes, herr flick.

were there any peasants present at the execution?

a few, herr flick.

did you take their names?

did you take their names, hans?

uh, i think there was one called bobby.

fool!

they might have been members of the resistance.

they might have been members of the resistance, hans.

but you gave me no orders.

that is no excuse.

you should have asked them their names and addresses.

you ask a french peasant that,

he drops his onions and runs like the clappers.

this being the case, you must attend the funeral.

- funeral? - funeral?

to the resistance, he's a hero.

they will come to pay their respects.

i will observe from a discreet distance.

you will obtain names and photographs.

heil hitler.

- heil hitler. - klup!

carstairs...

that cockerel hasn't taken his eyes off you

for the last hour.

i suppose sitting in this position,

he thinks i'm going to lay an egg.

i wish you would.

i'm dashed hungry.

ahh, dinner time.

it's that resistance girl, michelle.

hello, chaps,

sorry about the cramped quarters.

i'm afraid you've got to lie low a bit longer.

it's not exactly luxurious, you know?

fairfax nearly fell off his perch last night.

we're trying to get through to london,

to get them to send a plane for you.

oh, good show!

by the way, we're jolly thirsty.

see the button on that feeder there?

press it with your nose

and the trough will fill with water.

oh! thanks, awfully.

toodle-oo.

toodle-oo.

yvette, quick. i want you upstairs.

ohhh!

no, it is the wireless.

( banging )

mamma, we have to use the radio under your bed.

has monsieur maurice proposed to you yet?

mamma, rene is not dead.

i saw him fall.

i heard the shots with my own ear trumpet.

he has come to haunt me! call the priest!

it is rene, he is alive.

no, no, no. he is a phantom.

see? my stick goes through him.

you stupid old bat!

are you trying to kill me or something?

ohh! it is a miracle.

tell maurice the wedding is canceled.

take no notice of her. get the bed up.

one, two, three.

oh.

oh my god.

who is this monsieur maurice?

he owns the hotel grand place and a cafe.

why does she want you to marry him?

he has a bigger one than you have.

but rene does more behind the bar.

this is true.

'allo, 'allo, this is nighthawk.

are you receiving me? over.

london is receiving you.

pass your message, over.

the hens are still in the henhouse, over.

what is so strange about that?

over.

the two airmen want to go home, over.

please use the code.

over.

the hens are still in the henhouse! over!

roger, nighthawk.

now, listen very carefully.

the big one will arrive at midnight.

ooh, monsieur maurice,

what did i tell you?

shut up!

this means they are dropping

the consignment that we have ordered.

that must be the new uniforms for the german officers--

which they no longer need-- and the forged painting

of the fallen madonna with the big boobies.

thank you, london. over and out...

and things.

there is a man downstairs.

he says he is an undertaker.

well, what does he want?

he has come to measure you for the coffin.

oh, i forgot i was dead.

good afternoon.

good afternoon.

my name is alphonse, director of funerals.

my card.

ah, thank you.

"swiftly and with style."

i like that.

this is the wife-- of my brother, rene.

the dead one.

charmed.

and this lady?

oh, that is yvette.

a servant girl.

i used to work under the deceased.

- a sad occasion. - tragic.

where is the body?

in the larder. in the office. in the cellar.

we have been moving him about a bit.

i shall have to take the measurement later.

but first we must decide on...

some distressing details.

rene: of course.

if monsieur would like?

now first...

the coffin.

oak... elm...

ash... pine...

which do you favor?

do you not have something a little bigger?

these are samples of the wood!

oak is 35,000 francs.

ash, 25,000 francs.

elm, 15,000.

pine, 10,000 francs.

this is very expensive.

do you not have something in orange box?

we must have oak! all my neighbors will expect it.

edith, i am paying for this.

do you want to humiliate me in front of my neighbors?

oak. now, as you have chosen the oak,

you shall always want...

the bronze handles.

they last longer.

why should this be an advantage?

we're not pulling him up again.

and the brass nameplate

with the letters inlaid in silver.

might i suggest...

"to my beloved husband,

sadly missed"?

( sobbing )

excuse me, may i say something?

they shot him,

you cannot have "sadly missed."

what does madame suggest?

he was brave. he died for france!

long live de gaulle.

who?

de gaulle, you know, the one who scarpered.

oh, de gaulle, heh.

there should be a poem.

"the rifles fired,

the bullets hit.

how we shall miss

that little man,

and pray it didn't hurt a bit."

( sobs )

that would be, at 200 francs a letter, 12,000 francs.

12,000 fr--

just put "goodbye."

i will pay. there is provision in the will.

what will?!

i found it.

it was in the secret drawer of the bureau

in the dressing room of my mother.

it leaves everything to me.

i think there will very likely be another will.

now it only remains for me to measure,

if you will pardon me,

the body.

well, that is no problem,

i am his twin bother, you can measure me.

monsieur, i am professional.

we have our etiquette.

if it ever leaked out that i measure you

instead of the body,

every undertaker in france would laugh.

that would be unusual, i'm sure.

perhaps before you measure,

if you will pardon me, the body,

you would like a cognac?

that is most kind.

yvette.

edith, when monsieur alphonse

has finished his cognac,

show him the body in the office.

but, rene--

rene's body, that's right.

monsieur alphonse, i am sure you will forgive me

if i do not come with you.

it is very difficult for me, you understand?

of course, of course, monsieur.

( dishes clattering )

it is the unquiet spirit of my husband.

are we ready?

i hope so.

sorry.

force of habit.

madame.

pardon.

why does he have flour on his face?

uhh... when he was arrested,

he was making a roly-poly pudding.

just think...

we will never see his roly-poly again.

( squeaking )

right,

before i go, i will need the signature

of the brother-in-law.

where do you think he is at the moment?

i do not know, but, uh...

i am sure he will join us in the bar

as soon as he can.

( sneezes )

have you finished?

it is all done.

how did he look?

terrible!

your signature, monsieur.

of course.

- thank you, sir. - thank you.

thank you, thank you.

oh, monsieur.

thank you.

oh, i have left my tape measure.

all: we'll get it for you.

( knocking )

who is that?

don't open the door till i put the lid on.

it is michelle of the resistance.

oh.

what does she want?

well, how do i know? open the door and find out.

quick, all of you, inside.

what is happening?!

last night the picture of the fallen madonna

with the big boobies did not come by parachute.

these did.

we are being pursued by a german patrol.

you must hide them for us.

well, what are they?

anti-tank mines.

treat them very gently.

keep a cool head.

if the germans find them, you will be shot.

at these prices, i cannot afford another funeral.

we must go, through the back.

well, where am i supposed to hide these?

you will think of something, but hurry.

the germans may have seen us enter.

oh, german soldiers coming towards us.

oh, heck. quick, in the coffin.

not you! these.

what is all these bottles

doing in the coffin of my husband?

they are to make it heavy.

so that when they lift it up, they think that i am in it.

( banging on door )

quick, the others! the rest.

oh... wait till i put the lid on.

all right, all right.

what do you want?

we demand entry. stand aside.

why do you bother a poor woman

in her time of grief?

we are hunting members of the resistance,

and they came in through this door.

we-- we thought they were customers,

but they came straight through and out the back.

did you see their faces?

no, we were busy doing the screwing.

what's going on? what were the soldiers doing?

they were following the resistance.

rene, you must stop seeing those people.

if herr flick finds out, he will make you talk.

and you might tell him about us.

i would die before i did that, colonel.

i will try to arrange it.

now did you put the weights in the coffin?

yes, colonel, yes. i have just finished.

hans, the black bands.

ah.

are you coming to the funeral, colonel?

- of course. - we were very fond of you.

one word of warning,

herr flick will be observing from the bushes.

make sure no members of the resistance are there.

oh, of course, colonel. thank you for telling me.

( church bell ringing )

what's that?

i paid for the bells.

the whole village of nouvion

will come to pay their respects.

how much did they cost?

it was very cheap.

100 francs a bong.

you are having 50 bongs.

rene: what is this?

the choir.

how much do they cost?

well, they said you would give them the usual,

and then they giggled, so i did not understand.

they look very beautiful standing there

with their candles.

i'd like this when my turn comes.

or even before.

♪ there was a monk of high-- ♪

shut up!

what on earth is he doing here?

he was 500 francs.

the real priest was 3,000.

good choice, edith.

we are gathered here

to pay our respects

to our good friend re-- rene.

one, two, three, four...

( music plays )

♪ ahhh-ve ♪

♪ mariii-- ♪

♪ iiia... ♪

gounod?

your guess is as good as mine.

flick: something is happening.

we must move to a better position.

the back of the car, herr flick?

to observe the funeral.

( engine starts )

there's only a handful of my friends here.

i thought you said the whole village of nouvion

was turning out to mourn my passing?

the nouvion rangers are playing away.

rene,

hold on to my arm.

are you going to faint?

no, i cannot see.

rene, do you think the resistance

will be very cross with us

because we are burying the anti-tank mines in a coffin?

that is their funeral. this is mine.

do you think we should goosestep?

no, hans. that would be very poor taste.

it is bad enough we have with us

the man who shot him.

i was obeying orders.

i was most upset.

as i uttered the word...

"fire,"

i felt a complete rotter.

this will do. they cannot see us here.

you will bend over and touch your toes.

what have you in mind, herr flick?

i wish to steady my binoculars.

rene: what is wrong?

hurry up!

who has the key?

the priest has the key.

i have?

not you! the real priest.

where is he?

he plays center-half for the nouvion rangers.

we have had it!

what is the problem?

th-- the priest has forgotten the key.

shall i shoot off the lock?

if it wasn't for you and your shooting

we wouldn't be here in the first place.

can you all come back tomorrow?

i won't keep until tomorrow.

look, the cart!

oh, heck.

the mines!

something very strange is happening.

( muffled ) what is that, herr flick?

the coffin and all the mourners

are heading in this direction.

should we move to another position?

no, we are quite safe here.

that was very amusing.

that was not so amusing.

( theme music playing )