Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

YOU ARE PROBABLY WONDERING WHAT I AM DOING

IN THE LARDER OF MY CAFE, SITTING NEXT TO THE BRIE.

WELL, I WILL TELL YOU.

I AM VERY FOND OF BRIE.

ALSO MY WIFE EDITH IS A VERY JEALOUS WOMAN.

AND THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE I CAN MEET MARIA.

NOW, MARIA... WELL, MARIA IS IN LOVE WITH ME.

SO WHENEVER I CAN, I MEET HER HERE

FOR A SHORT CUDDLE

AND A LITTLE NIBBLE AT THE BRIE.

AH! MARIA, MY LITTLE CABBAGE.

OH, RENE, MY SPRING ONION.

HAVE YOU BROUGHT THE MILKING STOOL?

HERE.

THEN STAND ON IT.

OHH!

RENE...

YOU HAVE STARTED WITHOUT ME.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE THERE'S BRIE ON YOUR MOUSTACHE.

OH.

- RENE? - HMM?

WILL WE GET MARRIED WHEN THE WAR IS OVER?

WHILE THE BELLS OF VICTORY

ARE STILL SOUNDING.

OH, RENE, YOU ARE SO ROMANTIC.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

ARE YOU SURE NOBODY KNOWS WE ARE HERE?

NOBODY!

- PSST! RENE. - OH!

DO NOT WORRY,

IT IS MICHELLE OF THE RESISTANCE.

SHE WILL REPEAT NOTHING.

LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,

I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE.

YOUR NEW RADIO TRANSMITTER

IS BEING DELIVERED TO THE CAFE TODAY.

IT WILL BE CARRIED BY MONSIEUR LECLERC,

DISGUISED AS A CHEESE SALESMAN.

HE WILL BE THE BEARER OF A SUITCASE CONTAINING CHEESE.

HOW WILL HE CARRY THE RADIO?

HE HAS A FALSE BOTTOM.

WHY THEN DOES HE NEED THE SUITCASE?

THE FALSE BOTTOM IS IN THE SUITCASE.

THE CHEESE IS IN THE TOP.

THE RADIO TRANSMITTER IS IN THE SECRET COMPARTMENT.

WHAT DO I DO WITH IT?

HIDE IT UNDER THE BED OF YOUR WIFE'S MOTHER.

IF I PUT THE CHEESE UNDER THE BED OF MY WIFE'S MOTHER,

SHE WILL END UP FIGHTING THE MICE FOR IT.

THEN PUT IT IN HERE.

BUT I'VE ALREADY ORDERED MY CHEESE--

IT'S FOR THE WEEK! I WILL BE OVERSTOCKED.

THEN MAKE CHEESE OMELETS OR CHEESE SOUFFLES.

HAVE A FONDUE PARTY.

IT IS FAR TOO LATE TO TURN MONSIEUR LECLERC

INTO A BRUSH SALESMAN.

- SHE HAS GONE. - YES.

THE RESISTANCE, THEY MAKE THESE PLANS

BUT THEY DO NOT THINK THEM THROUGH.

Edith: MARIA!

IT IS MY WIFE. OUR TIME IS UP.

CAN YOU COME BACK TOMORROW?

OF COURSE.

OH, DO NOT FORGET THE MILKING STOOL.

OF COURSE NOT.

OH! THAT GIRL!

ALWAYS SHE IS MISSING.

- RENE? - HMM?

YOU MUST SPEAK TO THAT GIRL, MARIA.

ALWAYS SHE IS TAKING OFF THE TIME.

SHE SHOULD NOT HAVE IT OFF WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION.

SHE DOESN'T.

RENE,

YOU'RE WANTED IN THE BACK ROOM.

EDITH, WIPE THE BAR DOWN.

SET AN EXAMPLE TO THE STAFF, EH?

'ALLO?

IS ANYONE HIDING?

DOES SOMEBODY WANT ME?

YES, I DO!

YVETTE, MY LITTLE CABBAGE.

RENE, MY BIG SPROUT.

PARSNIP.

CARROT.

- BROCCOLI. - CURLY KALE.

OOH! OOH!

WHEN WE ARE TOO OLD TO MAKE LOVE,

WE WILL MAKE WONDERFUL SOUP.

RENE, YOU WILL MARRY ME AFTER THE WAR IS OVER?

WHILE THE BELLS OF VICTORY

ARE STILL SOUNDING.

OH, RENE, YOU HAVE A SMALL PIECE OF BRIE ON YOUR MOUSTACHE.

THAT IS BECAUSE I JUST HAD

A LITTLE BIT IN THE LARDER.

RENE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR ARMS AROUND YVETTE?

YOU STUPID WOMAN!

THERE IS ONLY ONE THING I POSSIBLY COULD BE DOING

WITH MY ARMS AROUND YVETTE.

I AM TEACHING HER SELF-DEFENSE.

THOSE GERMANS IN THERE,

THEY GET DRUNK, AND THEY JUMP ON THESE GIRLS.

I WAS-- I WAS TRYING TO TEACH HER

HOW TO FIGHT THEM OFF.

NOW, YVETTE, I AM A DRUNKEN GERMAN.

YOU SHOW MY WIFE WHAT YOU WOULD DO TO ME.

ARE YOU SURE?

YES, GO ON. GO ON.

OH-HH!

THAT IS VERY GOOD!

SHOW ME AGAIN.

HYAH--

LATER, LATER!

BUT A DRUNKEN GERMAN MAY ATTACK ME.

WE WOULD STOP SERVING HIM

BEFORE HE WAS THAT FAR GONE.

OH, DEAR RENE,

ALWAYS HE HAS ME IN HIS MIND.

I KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE.

THE COLONEL IS IN THE CAFE.

HE WISHES TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU.

IN A LITTLE WHILE.

MY HERNIA IS GIVING ME GYP.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD AN HERNIA.

UP TILL NOW, I DIDN'T.

THIS NEW CHAP WHO IS RUNNING THE BAR--

- RENE'S TWIN BROTHER. - FROM NANCY.

THEY ARE ASTONISHINGLY SIMILAR.

THAT IS TWINS ALL OVER.

IF ANYTHING, THE NEW ONE IS EVEN MORE CHARMING

THAN HIS BROTHER.

THE ONE THAT YOU SHOT.

YES.

I DON'T THINK HE BEARS YOU A GRUDGE.

QUITE THE REVERSE!

HE APPEARS TO BE VERY WARM AND FRIENDLY.

HE IS EVEN ORDERING FOR ME MY FAVORITE CIGARS.

GOOD DAY, GENTLEMEN, HELGA.

YOU WISH TO SEE ME, COLONEL?

UH, YES, A WORD IN PRIVATE.

LIEUTENANT GRUBER, LEAVE US ALONE FOR A SHORT WHILE.

RENE AND I HAVE A SMALL MATTER TO DISCUSS.

OF COURSE.

SIT DOWN, RENE.

YES, COLONEL.

NOW...

TOMORROW AT MIDDAY,

HERR FLICK OF THE GESTAPO

WILL PUT THE PAINTING OF THE FALLEN MADONNA WITH THE BIG BOOBIES

ON THE TRAIN TO BERLIN.

HERR HITLER HAS TOLD HIMMLER

TO PICK IT UP HIMSELF.

HE IS GOING TO GIVE IT TO EVA FOR HER BIRTHDAY.

I MUST GET THE FORGERY OUT OF YOUR CELLAR

AND PUT IT IN ITS PLACE.

BUT I HAVE ONLY JUST BRICKED IT UP!

OH, WELL, 10 MINUTES WITH A PICKAX

AND IT IS YOURS AGAIN.

ALSO, YOUR NEW UNIFORMS ARE IN MY WARDROBE.

LEAVE THEM THERE.

THEY WILL COME IN USEFUL LATER.

NOW, I WILL TELL YOU WHAT WE DO.

TONIGHT, ON MY ORDERS,

YOU WILL CLOSE YOUR CAFE.

FOR MY PRIVATE PARTY

TO CELEBRATE THE ANNIVERSARY

OF THE BURNING DOWN OF THE REICHSTAG.

EVERY YEAR WE HAVE A BIG BINGE.

I SEE, AND WHAT HAPPENS AT THIS "BIG BINGE"?

WE DRINK A LOT OF BEER.

THE GIRLS PUT ON CLOTHES LIKE...

HITLER YOUTH, AND THEN WE ALL DO

TRADITIONAL OLD BAVARIAN DANCING.

THE GIRLS HAVE BARE KNEES.

THIS SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF FUN.

IT IS.

HOW DOES IT HELP US GET BACK

THE PAINTING OF THE MADONNA WITH THE--

WHILE HERR FLICK IS ENJOYING HIMSELF,

THE PAINTINGS WILL BE...

SWITCHED.

BUT HOW CAN YOU BE SURE HERR FLICK

WILL ACCEPT YOUR INVITATION?

THAT IS WHERE BRAINS COME IN.

THAT IS WHY HE IS A COLONEL.

HELGA WILL GIVE HIM INFORMATION ABOUT THE PARTY...

AND TELL HIM HE'S NOT INVITED.

I ONLY HAVE TO HINT, AND HE WILL...

DRAG IT OUT OF ME.

Colonel: THIS WILL AROUSE HIS SUSPICION.

THIS WILL AROUSE HIS SUSPICION,

AND HE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO STAY AWAY.

AH, I HAVE JUST ONE QUESTION THEN, COLONEL.

- WHO IS PAYING FOR THIS PARTY? - WE ARE.

IT IS COMING OUT OF THE ARMORED CAR REPAIR FUND.

BUT COLONEL, FOR BARE KNEES,

MY GIRLS CHARGE EXTRA.

IT WILL BE WORTH IT. HEH, HEH!

TO GET BACK THE PAINTING.

IN THAT CASE, MY GIRLS WILL COOPERATE

AND YOU SHALL HAVE MY VERY BEST ATTENTION.

UH, YOU WILL NOT BE HERE.

NO, UNDER COVER OF THE PARTY,

YOU WILL BE AT HERR FLICK'S HEADQUARTERS

SWITCHING THE PAINTINGS.

COLONEL, THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE BIT RISKY--

THE WAY WE WILL ARRANGE IT, THERE WILL BE NO RISK AT ALL.

THAT BEING THE CASE, WHY DO YOU NOT DO IT YOURSELVES?

WE HAVE TO GIVE THE PARTY.

WELL, I COULD GIVE THE PARTY.

AH, BUT YOU DON'T KNOW

OLD TRADITIONAL BAVARIAN DANCING.

I COULD LEARN. I'M VERY QUICK.

YOU THINK SO?

SHOW HIM!

OH.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

WELL, I SUPPOSE IT COULD TAKE TIME.

HELGA, GO AT ONCE TO HERR FLICK

AND LET HIM WRRR-RING THE INFORMATION OUT OF YOU.

YES, COLONEL.

( bell jingling )

CHEEE-SES!

CHEESES.

AH, I SEE A TYPICAL CHEESE SALESMAN

ENTERING MY CAFE.

EXCUSE ME.

THANK YOU, YES.

BRIE AND CHEESES, WHO WILL BUY--

- SHUT UP. - --MY CHEESES?

( shouting ) SHUT UP!

HA HA, THANK YOU, CHEESE SELLER.

I AM PREPARED TO PURCHASE ALL YOUR WARES.

HOW VERY FORTUNATE.

YES.

NEVER BEFORE HAVE I HAD SUCH A GOOD DAY

FOR SELLING THE CHEESES.

GOOD, GOOD.

THAT MEANS YOU CAN GO HOME WITHOUT DELAY.

IT IS I, LECLERC.

WELL, I NEVER.

THE RADIO IS ALREADY CONNECTED.

AND THE SPARE BATTERY

IS IN THE DUTCH EDAM WITH THE KNOBS ON.

THE FACE OF THAT CHEESE SELLER SEEMS STRANGELY FAMILIAR.

AH, YEAH, W-- YEAH, WELL--

IT IS A VERY SMALL VILLAGE,

AND WE DO A LOT OF INTERBREEDING.

I BELIEVE YOU HAVE A LUXURY FOR ME.

HUH? OH, YES!

A LITTLE PACKET OF YOUR FAVORITE CIGARS.

YES, I PUT-- EXCUSE ME.

SO MUCH TROUBLE. IT IS MOST TOUCHING.

THANK YOU.

( radio whistling )

( whistling )

I-- I DO NOT KNOW THIS TUNE.

( kicks )

( radio noise stops )

I DO NOT KNOW IT ALL THAT WELL MYSELF.

CHEERS.

( flatulent sound )

I BEG YOUR PARDON.

Radio: Pierre is enjoying his new bicycle.

( kicks )

I AM GLAD TO HEAR THIS.

WHO IS PIERRE?

OH, HE'S-- HE'S JUST A YOUNG LAD IN THE VILLAGE.

DID YOU GIVE HIM THE BICYCLE?

NO! NO!

THEN WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME HE IS ENJOYING IT?

WELL... THERE IS SO LITTLE TO ENJOY THESE DAYS,

I WAS JUST MAKING CONVERSATION.

Radio: Phillip and Jean are going for a swim.

SHUT UP.

AH, INDEED.

ARE THEY FRIENDS OF PIERRE?

WELL, I-- I EXPECT SO.

IT'S A VERY SMALL PLACE,

AND THERE IS ONLY ONE RIVER.

Radio: Eloise is expecting a visit

from the stork.

OH, DEAR.

WHO-- WHO IS RESPONSIBLE?

I EXPECT IT IS PIERRE.

HE HAS THE BICYCLE.

Radio: Listen carefully.

I will meet you behind the woodshed

at 1:00.

SEE YOU LATER THEN.

YOU SON-OF-A--!

VERY WELL, HERR FLICK, I WILL TELL YOU.

I CAN HOLD OUT NO LONGER

UNDER THE GAZE OF YOUR PENETRATING EYES.

THE COLONEL AND THE CAPTAIN ARE HOLDING A PARTY

TO CELEBRATE THE BURNING DOWN OF THE REICHSTAG.

AH, THE BIG BINGE.

WILL THE GIRLS BE DRESSED AS HITLER YOUTH?

YES, HERR FLICK.

WITH THE BARE KNEES?

YOU ARE CORRECT,

IN EVERY DETAIL.

I WILL ATTEND, UNINVITED.

THERE IS NOWHERE THE GESTAPO CANNOT GO.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME THIS, HERR FLICK.

YOU WILL ALSO ATTEND.

YES, HERR FLICK.

WITH THE BARE KNEES?

UNLESS YOU WISH TO INSULT THE FUHRER.

YES, HERR FLICK.

ALL THE TIME I AM SEEING YOUR EYES BEING DRAWN TO THAT PAINTING.

I AM CAPTIVATED BY IT.

EXAMINE IT MORE CLOSELY.

YES, HERR FLICK.

DO YOU WISH ME TO EXAMINE ANYTHING IN PARTICULAR?

DOES EVERYTHING LOOK... GENUINE TO YOU?

VERY.

I WILL LET YOU INTO A SECRET.

IT IS A FORGERY.

NO, HERR FLICK, THAT'S THE REAL ONE.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE DECEIVED.

THE REAL ONE IS ROLLED UP

IN MY HIGH GESTAPO BOOTS.

THIS IS A FORGERY I HAD MADE

SOME WEEKS AGO.

BUT, HERR FLICK, WHY?!

THE FORGERY WILL GO TO BERLIN.

THE REAL ONE I WILL SELL AFTER THE WAR.

WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?

BECAUSE YOU WILL MARRY ME.

HERR FLICK...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

YOU DO NOT SAY ANYTHING

UNTIL I ACTUALLY ASK YOU!

YES, HERR FLICK.

OH, MY GOODNESS, LOOK AT THE TIME!

I MUST RETURN TO MY DUTIES.

TODAY IS YOUR HALF DAY.

I AM VERY CONSCIENTIOUS.

I HAVE MUCH PAPERWORK TO DO.

YOU WILL DO IT TOMORROW.

TODAY I HAVE OTHER PLANS.

I HAVE ORDERED AN OPEN STAFF CAR AND TWO MOTORCYCLE ESCORTS.

TOGETHER...

WE WILL DRIVE AROUND THE COUNTRYSIDE

SCARING THE PANTS OFF THE FRENCH PEASANTS.

WHAT FUN!

EDITH!

YVETTE, MARIA...

AN OLD WOMAN LIES HERE

GOING WEAK FOR LACK OF NOURISHMENT.

HOW MUCH LONGER

CAN I LIVE LIKE THIS?

OH, MAMMA, DO NOT FRET YOURSELF.

WE ARE JUST WARMING UP YOUR ONION SOUP.

ONION SOUP!

ALSO, WE HAVE FOR YOU, A VISITOR.

SOON IT WILL BE THE ANGELS

THAT ARE CALLING FOR ME.

OH MY GOD. I AM WORSE THAN I THOUGHT.

I MUST CONFESS.

I HAVE CHEATED. I HAVE LIED.

I HAVE STOLEN, AND I HAVE HAD MANY LOVERS,

INCLUDING, IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER--

MAMMA!

THIS IS NOT A NUN.

THIS IS MICHELLE OF THE RESISTANCE.

OH, OH...

TAKE NO NOTICE OF ME.

I AM...

DELIRIOUS.

WHERE ARE THE BRITISH AIRMEN?

THEY ARE HIDDEN

WHERE NO ONE CAN FIND THEM.

Both: HELLO!

HELLO, CHAPS. NOW, LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY.

EDITH, WHY IS MY BEDROOM

SO FULL OF MIDGETS?

QUIET, MAMMA.

NOW, LISTEN CHAPS, WE'VE HAD A CHIN-WAG WITH LONDON

AND THEY'VE OKAYED A BOAT FOR YOU.

OH, GOOD SHOW!

WHEN DO WE LEAVE?

AS SOON AS THAT BLOKE, LECLERC, HAS FORGED THE PAPERS.

WHERE IS THE FORGER?

HE IS AT HAND, CLOSE IN THE CLOSET.

WHAT IS THE STATE OF THE FORGED PAPERS FOR THE BRITISH AIRMEN?

HUH? AH.

I HAVE FINISHED.

EVERYTHING IS READY.

GOOD.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE?

NOT AT THE MOMENT.

GOOD.

WE'LL PROBABLY HAVE YOU AWAY TONIGHT.

- RIGHTY-O, TOODLE-OO. - SMASHING, TOODLE-OO.

Gruber: ♪ I CAN'T HELP IT ♪

♪ LOVE'S ALWAYS BEEN MY GAME ♪

♪ PLAY IT HOW I MAY ♪

♪ I WAS MADE THAT WAY ♪

♪ I CAN'T HELP IT ♪

♪ MEN CLUSTER TO ME ♪

♪ LIKE MOTHS AROUND A FLAME ♪

♪ AND IF THEY BURN ♪

♪ I KNOW I'M NOT TO BLAME ♪

LIEUTENANT GRUBER...

HE IS VERY HANDSOME.

NOT YOU TOO?

I SHALL BE A LOT HAPPIER

WHEN HELGA AND HERR FLICK ARE HERE.

OTHERWISE, RENE CAN FIND HIMSELF

IN QUITE A LOT OF TROUBLE.

NEVER MIND, HANS. WE HAVE A ALIBI.

WE ARE HERE!

FANNY...

I BROUGHT YOU ONION SOUP.

OH, NO, NO, NO.

WHAT AR-- YOU-- WAIT--

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

EDITH AND RENE ARE AWAY

ON A SECRET MISSION,

AND THEY MAY NEVER RETURN.

I AM OBEYING MY DAUGHTER'S LAST REQUEST.

OH, WHAT IS IT?

KEEP AN EYE ON THE TILL.

I COULD KEEP THE EYE ON THE TILL.

YES, YOU WILL ALSO HAVE YOUR HAND IN THE TILL.

♪ WHAT AM I TO DO? ♪

♪ I CAN'T HELP IT. ♪

BRAVO!

( applause )

AND NOW, FELLOW OFFICERS

OF THE VICTORIOUS GERMAN ARMY,

IN ACCORDANCE WITH OUR ANCIENT BAVARIAN TRADITION,

I GIVE YOU FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT,

GUNILLA...

ERICA... HILDA...

INGA... YVETTE AND MARIA,

THE HITLER YOUTH!

HURRAY!

( piano playing Deutschland uber Alles )

Officers: BRAVO!

OH!

HELLO.

OUR GIRLS MAKE VERY GOOD BOYS, DO THEY NOT?

YES, INDEED. ONE COULD EASILY BE FOOLED.

HEIL HITLER!

- All: HEIL HITLER! - Hans: KLUP!

DO NOT LET THE FACT THAT I AM A SENIOR MEMBER OF THE GESTAPO,

AND DID NOT RECEIVE AN INVITATION TO YOUR GATHERING

STOP YOU FROM HAVING A JOLLY TIME.

HAVE WE YOUR PERMISSION TO CARRY ON, HERR FLICK?

OF COURSE.

ALBERT, MUSIC!

( piano playing "Falling in Love Again" )

WHO IS SERVING THE DRINKS?

HELP YOURSELF, HERR FLICK. IT'S ALL FREE.

THIS IS GOOD.

COLONEL, I HAVE BAD NEWS.

LIKE YOU, HERR FLICK HAS HAD MADE

A FORGERY OF THE PAINTING OF THE FALLEN MADONNA

WITH THE BIG BOOBIES BY VAN CLOMP.

THIS FORGERY HANGS AT THIS MOMENT

ON THE WALL OF HIS APARTMENT.

THEN WHERE IS THE REAL VAN CLOMP?

ROLLED UP IN HERR FLICK'S HIGH GESTAPO BOOT.

THEN RENE WILL SWITCH A FORGERY WITH HIS FORGERY.

AND WE WILL BE BACK WHERE WE STARTED.

WE MUST TELL RENE.

AHH, IT'S TOO LATE.

HE HAS A DISGUISE AND A PASS

AND BY NOW HE'S OUTSIDE THE VERY GATES

OF HERR FLICK'S HEADQUARTERS.

Rene: THERE IS A SENTRY.

Edith: OF COURSE THERE IS A SENTRY.

MY KNEES HAVE TURNED TO VICHY WATER.

Edith: PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.

REMEMBER, WE ARE GERMAN OFFICERS.

IF WE BELIEVE IT, THEY WILL BELIEVE IT.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

LEFT FOOT FIRST.

QUICK MARCH.

HALT.

SENTRY, WHAT IS THE PASSWORD?

DUSSELDORF, HERR CAPTAIN.

GOOD. LET US PASS.

YOU SEE?

ALL YOU NEED IS CONFIDENCE.

BEGINNER'S LUCK.

HALT!

DUSSELDORF.

BREMERHAVEN.

NO, DUSSELDORF!

THE REPLY IS BREMERHAVEN.

I AM GLAD TO SEE YOU ARE ON YOUR TOES.

HALT.

WHY HAVE WE HALTED?

I WAS JUST GETTING INTO THE SWING OF IT.

THE CUSHION WHICH I AM WEARING UNDER MY JACKET

TO MAKE MY STOMACH LOOK LIKE THE COLONEL'S

IS SLIPPING DOWN TOWARDS MY CROTCH.

I WILL HELP YOU TO ADJUST IT.

STOP, WE WILL AROUSE THE SUSPICION OF THE SENTRY.

NO, WE WILL NOT.

WE ARE GERMAN OFFICERS.

THEY DO A LOT OF THIS SORT OF THING.

PLEASE HURRY THEN.

EVERYTHING IS BACK IN POSITION.

- GOOD. - READY?

QUICK MARCH.

HALT!

DUSSELDORF AND BREMERHAVEN.

I AM SUPPOSED TO SAY BREMERHAVEN.

WE HAVE SAID IT FOR YOU.

YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY IT FOR ME.

YOU ARE TAKING AWAY MY JOB!

DO NOT ARGUE WITH A SUPERIOR OFFICER,

PIG! DOG!

HYENA.

HYENA.

WHAT IS GOING ON?

THIS FOOL IS PREVENTING OUR ENTRY.

WE HAVE A PARCEL FOR HERR FLICK.

HE'S OUT.

WE WILL PUT IT IN HIS ROOM.

I WILL PUT IT IN HIS ROOM.

HEIL HITLER.

Both: KLUP.

YOU, FOLLOW ME.

WE HAVE LOST THE PAINTING.

IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT.

PIG. DOG. HYENA.

EDITH!

BRAVO!

AND NOW-- NOW, GENTLEMEN,

IT IS CABARET TIME AT THE CAFE RENE.

AND TONIGHT WE BRING YOU THE TOAST OF PARIS,

OH, HO HO!

THE STAR OF THE FOLIES BERGERES 1919,

THE EXOTIC

MADEMOISELLE FANNY!

♪ I AM CALLED COQUETTE... ♪

OOH!

♪ THE GIRL THEY CAN'T FORGET ♪

♪ I DRIVE THEM WILD WITH DESIRE ♪

♪ WHEN I LIFT MY DRESSES HIGHER ♪

♪ SHOULD I TAKE OFF MY CHEMISE? ♪

♪ OO-LA-LA-LA! ♪

COLONEL, I THINK WE HAVE HERE

WHAT IS KNOWN AS A "PARTY POOPER."

( Edith grunts )

DO NOT MAKE A NOISE.

MY FEET ARE KILLING ME.

IT IS ALL THAT GOOSESTEPPING.

- DON'T MOVE. - Edith: AAAH!

DO NOT TURN ON THE LIGHT.

IT IS MICHELLE. I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.

NOW LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY.

I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE.

THERE HAS BEEN A CHANGE OF PLAN.

THE BRITISH AIRMEN MUST LEAVE FOR THE COAST TONIGHT.

YOU WILL BE THEIR ESCORT.

I HAVE HERE FOR YOU A GERMAN UNIFORM.

I AM ALREADY WEARING A GERMAN UNIFORM.

YOU ARE?

TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.

AND KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY MEDALS!

UH, AHEM...

WHY IS YOUR WIFE IN UNIFORM?

I ENJOY IT.

HOW WILL THE AIRMEN BE DISGUISED?

THE SAME AS I AM.

OH.

( together ) HELLO.

SIEG HEIL!

WAS THAT ALL RIGHT?

JOLLY GOOD.

NOW ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS

KEEP AS COOL AS THE OLD CUCUMBER,

AND WE'LL DO THE TALKING.

IF YOU WANT US TO SING ANY SONGS,

WE BOTH KNOW "UNDERNEATH THE SPREADING CHESTNUT TREE."

WITH ACTIONS.

CHEST,

NUT,

TREE.

NO. I DON'T THINK THAT'S ONE

OF HITLER'S FAVORITES.

WE HAVE A MESSAGE FOR YOU.

THE TRUCK IS ROUND THE BACK.

GOOD. DID ANYONE SEE YOU LEAVE?

NO. WHEN YOUR MOTHER STARTED TO SING,

EVERYBODY SHUT THEIR EYES

AND PUT THEIR FINGERS IN THEIR EARS.

GOOD. WE GO NOW.

JUST A MINUTE.

WE HAVE A BUSINESS TO RUN HERE, YOU KNOW.

( singing )

NO!

NOT THE DANCE OF THE MOLTING PEACOCK!

MOTHER!

PUT THEM BACK ON!

OH MY GOD!

COME ON, LET US GET OUT OF HERE.

GO.

WELL, WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

WE MARCH TO THE BEACH.

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

WE MARCH TO THE BEACH, OLD CHAP.

OH, RIGHTY-O.

BY THE LEFT,

QUICK MARCH!

NEARLY THERE, CARSTAIRS.

DAMNED DRAFTY, THESE SHORTS.

HALT!

- Edith: DUSSELDORF! - THAT WAS YESTERDAY.

WHAT IS THE WORD TODAY?

- MUNICH! - GOOD! WELL DONE.

HALT!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

WE ARE TAKING THE HITLER YOUTH

FOR RUNNING AND JUMPING

AND PLAYING LEAPFROG ON THE SANDS

UND SWIMMING IN THE SEA.

THIS WAY WE WILL HAVE A MASTER RACE.

WITH PNEUMONIA.

CARRY ON!

RIGHT, HERE IS THE BOAT.

LET'S RUN IT DOWN TO THE WATER.

UP.

RIGHT, CHAPS. IN YOU GO.

UM... BEFORE WE START ROWING,

DON'T YOU THINK WE OUGHT TO WAIT

FOR A SIGNAL FROM THE SUBMARINE?

WHAT SUBMARINE?

THE SUBMARINE THAT'S GOING TO TAKE US BACK TO ENGLAND.

WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT A SUBMARINE?

WELL, THERE HAS TO BE A SUBMARINE.

YOU DON'T EXPECT US TO ROW 20 MILES IN THAT THING?

NOW LOOK HERE, YOU FELLOWS,

A JOLLY BRAVE FRENCH FISHERMAN

RISKED HIS LIFE TO GET YOU THAT BOAT.

YES, BUT I MEAN, LOOK AT IT.

IT'S GOT A DEAD CRAB IN IT!

AND LOOK AT THOSE WAVES!

YOU COULDN'T DRIVE THAT THING ON THAT!

I GET SEASICK ON THE BOATING LAKE AT REGENTS PARK.

WELL, ARE YOU GOING OR NOT?

NO.

WELL? ARE THEY GOING OR NOT?

NO!

I MEAN NON.

SO WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO THEN?

THE SENTRY IS WATCHING US.

I THINK A QUICK GAME OF LEAPFROG,

AND THEN BACK TO THE CAFE.

( theme music playing )