All language subtitles for 16 - Allo Allo S3E01 - The Nicked Knockwurst

(Birdsong)

# Can it be the breeze that fills the trees

# With rare and magic perfume?

# Oh, no, it is... #

Are you by any chance thinking

that I am singing in the bath
because I am happy? No.

You are wrong. I am singing in the bath
because there is no lock on the door.

Happy? I most certainly am not.

The British, who scarpered
like scalded cats at Dunkirk,

are obviously not coming to rescue us.

They should have been here by now.

All they do is send messages
on the wireless to the Resistance

telling them to shoot the Germans.

This makes the Germans very cross.

So they, in their turn,
shoot the Resistance

and a few hostages for good measure.

By the time the British get here
there will be nobody left.

- (Knocking)
- Who is it?

Oh...

It is I, your wife's mother.

Go away!

I-I wish to use the little girl's room... Oh!

You are a big girl now.

Use the one outside in the yard.

The one outside is frozen!

Well, have a hot cup of cocoa and run.

Will they give me no peace?
As I was saying...

- (Knocking)
- The Brit... What is it now?

Psst! It is I, Leclerc.

- Er... May I use the erm...
- No, you may not. Get out.

As I was saying, the British...

- (Knocking)
- What is it?

It is I, Yvette.
Are you ready for two big jugs?

Er, yes, come in.

- Ah.
- Shall I let you 'ave it?

By my feet, yes.

Ohhh! Oh!

Oh, the old boiler is in a terrible state.

I do not know why I married her
in the first place.

Oh, René,

when we are married,
will it always be like this?

Possibly.

Oh, just the sight of your body
covered in bubbles drives me wild.

I will scrrrub your back!

Now, where is the soap?

Oh! I will get it.

Ah! There.

There. Be careful with it,
that is all that I 'ave.

Ah. Tonight I will get
a bigger one from the Colonel.

I should not be surprised.

(Edith) René!

René!

How much longer are you going
to be in the bathroom?

My mother wishes
to avail herself of the facility.

I told her to use the one in the yard.

The British airmen are hiding in it.

You'll have to put her in the wheelchair

and take her to the one
in the town square.

The Germans have padlocked it
ever since someone wrote on the wall

that poem about Hitler
and his shortcomings.

She'll have to contain 'erself,

I'll be out in a minute.

One day you will get what you deserve.

Not with people coming
in and out of the bathroom all day.

- What is Yvette doing in here?
- Yes, what are you doing here?

Er, I brought in the jugs.

Then you have no reason to stay.
Go about your business. Hurry!

- Yes, René.
- Oh, René...

always the disciplinarian.

Would you kindly leave now?
I am about to remove the plug.

I'll fetch you a nice, hot towel.

Oh, Edith, those stairs -
they are too much for you, my dear.

Er, send up Maria.

Oh, René, always so thoughtful.

(Loud knocking)

Psst. Are we alone?

Not for very much longer, I suspect.

Listen very carefully,
I shall say this only once.

Why is it that you say things only once?

I shall say this only once

because I am clinging to
a rusty drainpipe.

I 'ave a plan to get
rid of the British airmen

who are 'iding in your outside bog.

Well, that will be a great relief
to my wife's mother.

Now, pay careful attention,
this is the plan.

The brackets 'ave cracked and
are coming away from ze wall.

What does that mean?

It means you are going to need
a new drainpipe.

(Screams)

(Crashing)

(Hollow clang)

I would go to her assistance

but you will understand
the position I am in.

(# Piano introduction)

(Tunelessly) # Love is where you find it

# You'd be blinded, it's all around you

- # Everywhere
- (Bell)

# Eve-ry-where! #

Oh, I will have to stop
putting cheese in my ears.

Why is this, Hans?

I woke up this morning,
there was a mouse on my pillow.

Mme Edith has an unusual voice.
Was it trained?

Oh, yes... but it escaped
and returned to the wild.

- Your usual, Lieutenant?
- Thank you.

Thank you.

You are looking very...
pink and fresh today.

I saved up my water ration
and my soap ration to have a bath.

I have a very big bath at the chateau...

if ever you want to luxuriate.

How the conquering heroes live!

If it was not for those meddlesome
Resistance people,

it would be quite a peaceful life.

And, er... talking of Resistance...

There are rumours about you, René.

It is said that you are something
that you don't appear to be at first sight.

I have heard the same about you.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

I hope you are never
interrupting anything.

The Colonel vishes you to sit at his table.

I was just going to ask you to sit at mine.

Vell, ve asked first!

First come, first served, I'm afraid.

Maria, take over the bar.

Make sure the Lieutenant
gets what he wants.

Oh, can't I just take over the bar?

- René!
- Yes, Colonel.

- Sit down.
- How are you today?

How is the war going?
Do you have the half-time score?

That is what I want to talk
to you about, René.

I know you have helped
some British airmen to escape.

- Well, I...
- But...

I'm prepared to vipe the slate clean.

Ah, thank you, Colonel.

But you must promise
to stop helping the Resistance.

- Of course, Colonel.
- Promise me on your honour?

Colonel, you must understand,
I am in business,

some of the Resistance
could be my customers.

- Without my knowing...
- Don't be devious!

Promise me. On your honour.

- Well...
- On your honour as a Frenchman.

Oh, well, that is different.
You have my word.

Good, you may buy us a drink.

Rrrené! Rrrené,
the most drrreadful thing has happened!

There's a rrrow of sausages
in the kitchen.

- Why is that so dreadful?
- Somebody has rrremoved one,

the one with the little swastika on it.

- What?
- The one with the swastika?

That is the personal sausage
of Herr Flick of the Gestapo.

It contains the painting of the Fallen
Madonna With The Big Boobies.

Rolled up.

Don't get confused, Hans,
it contains only the forgery.

The real one is still safe in my cellar.

There you are, nothing to worry about.

I do have something to worry about,

what if Herr Flick asks for it back?

- Tell him it's been nicked.
- He'll have me shot!

No, he won't. I'm the commandant here.

Herr Flick has no authority
to have you shot.

He will have to ask the Colonel.
And he will have you shot.

- That makes me feel better.
- René! René!

René? You wife is trying
to attract your attention.

Take no notice.
It won't be anything important.

It may be very important.
She may wish to sing another song.

- René! Go at once!
- Yes.

What is it?

The grandfather clock
in the back room needs winding.

Edith, we have no grandfather clock!

It is code!
Do you never read your code book?

It means the Resistance
is in the back room.

Oh, 'eck!

Zat English idiot who thinks
he can speak French is outside.

Good moaning.

It is not "moaning", it is evening.

- What do you want?
- Michelle of the Resistance

washes to tick to you.

She has had a nursty occident
by failing off a drainpoop.

All right, you know the code book,
what is he saying?

Carry her this wee.

And do not let her drip.

She has strooned her back

and has also a compost fricture
of the left log.

Listen very carefully,
I shall whisper this only once

because I am in great pain.

Her log is in Plister of Poris.

My God, what did she land in?

I have a plan to get rid
of the British airmen by air.

Oh, no, not that balloon again!

In the museum
is an exact replica of the plane

used by Pierre Laconte
to cross the Channel in 1910.

Pierre Laconte?
I 'ave never heard of him.

Think back, you must have done.

It was not in the paper.

He tried to cross
the Channel before Blériot.

He crashed but the plane
is still airworthy.

Except that there is no engine.

What good is it without an engine?

The engine of a lawn mower
would give sufficient power.

So? What do you want me
to do about it?

Steal the plane,
find a motor and contact me

in bed three, ward seven,
Nouvion General Hospital.

She has pissed out.

- What bravery.
- What fartitude.

You had better get her out of here
before anything worse happens.

And do not drip her... Drop her.

She is ready
for your inspection, Herr Flick.

Good.

It's very generous to buy me
a suit out of Party funds.

I had no alternative.

I could not take you to the Gestapo club
looking any old how.

- Now, let me see.
- (Whimpers)

Hm. The shoulders are good.

But the lapels are not good.

Hmm.

The vaist is good.

But the sleeves are not good.

I think the skirt is excellent.

I do not agree.

- How about the hat?
- Approved.

Herr tailor? You will do better.

Or something nasty vill happen.

Yes, Herr Flick!

(Gasps)

I am sorry to interrupt

if you are in the midst
of an interrogation.

(Flick) Avert your eyes,
von Smallhausen!

I have important news.

Helga, retire behind the screen
and reclothe yourself.

Yes, Herr Flick.

The Resistance have kidnapped
your Knockwurst sausage

and are demanding a ransom
for its return.

Why should I pay a ransom
for a Knockwurst sausage?

It appears that the sausage
contains a valuable painting

which you, no doubt,
were keeping safe for Hitler?

That is correct.
When did you learn of this?

I received the information
at 11 o'clock this morning.

That was four hours ago.
Why did you take so long to inform me?

The message was wrapped around
a brick and thrown at my head -

I have just regained consciousness.

- This is very serious.
- It's not as bad as it looks.

The theft of my sausage is serious.

They are demanding 800,000 francs.

If you do not pay up they will deliver it
to you two inches at a time.

- Helga!
- Yes, Herr Flick?

Your Colonel is in charge of security.

Tell him that if the painting
is not recovered

he is to burn down the town.

Except for this building.

- Yes, Herr Flick.
- Herr Flick...

I have a small but comfortable apartment
over the bakery.

Could you perhaps make some
special recommendation about it?

Yes.

Sell the toaster and do not pay ze rent.

Edith! Yvette! Maria!

Ohhh... why does nobody
pay attention to an old woman

when she is banging?

(Gasps and wheezes)

What is the matter? We are busy
downstairs running a business.

Oh, Edith, I am going mad.

Why do I keep seeing
strangers in my bed?

Do not worry, Mama,
there are strangers in your bed.

- (Both) Hello!
- (Squeals)

Do not be afraid, it is the British airmen.

Airmen? B-But w-why...

are they dressed like
two decrepit old bats?

Because, if the Germans
search the place,

they will not suspect
two old ladies in your bed.

Oh, it seems very strange to me.

It is strange even to me
and I am a Frenchman.

Shut up! Go to sleep.

This is a very serious situation, René.

If we do not recover the sausage I vill be
compelled to burn down the town.

He vill obeying orders.
Ve all have to obey orders.

Colonel, it is very simple.

Just give Herr Flick your sausage
containing the real painting.

Tell him you got it from the Resistance.

René, it is my pension!

- Our pensions.
- All our pensions.

You know these Resistance people,
you must explain to them and get it back.

Otherwise their lovely town
will be burned down.

I have news for you.

The rumour is
this is not just any old Resistance.

- It's the Communist Resistance.
- (Gasps) Communist Resistance?

Their funds are low,
they need the money

to buy explosives
to blow up your tanks and trains.

- It is all in a good cause.
- Shut up.

Colonel, I have a plan.

Helga has a plan.

Why do we not give them the money
and then ambush them and take it back?

It sounds rather risky, Helga.

But you have at your disposal
a whole regiment of troops.

But if he turned to hand over the money
with a whole regiment

wouldn't the Resistance
become suspicious?

Of course they would.
That was a stupid suggestion, Hans!

Every time I make a suggestion
you shoot me down.

You are destroying my confidence.

I feel this big.

I am like a vorm!

Useless, worthless.

(Sobs)

Have you finished?

Yes.

But I'm very hurt.

Helga, forgive me for asking

but where are you going
to get the money?

We can use dummy money!

If you do that
they will shoot you on the spot.

Yes! I'm not the only one
who makes stupid suggestions!

That one was a real stinker.

- Colonel...
- (Mocking laugh)

In the safe in your office
you have the money.

- The troops' wages.
- We have to pay them on Friday.

- What if we don't get it back?
- We could give them IOUs.

Two-one.

It is your town they're going to burn.
You find the money.

Where am I supposed to find
800,000 francs?

- Have a collection.
- I could sing at all the cafés.

They would pay you hush money.

(René) Oh, my God.

Ah! Shhh. It is I, Leclerc.

I have received a message
from the Resistance. (Chuckles)

Er...

This here.

Hang on, there may be a reply.

Not bloody likely.

"Pay the money tomorrow, midday,
or sausage will be sliced.

"Arrangements to follow..."
Oh, my God.

If they cut it, Herr Flick
will make you burn the town.

And everything for which
I have worked and slaved

all these years will be gone.

What? Colonel, I am desperate.

What is to stop me giving Herr Flick
the painting in my cellar?

- A bullet from this.
- Be reasonable, Colonel,

where am I going to get 800,000 francs
by midday tomorrow?

- Rob a bank.
- How can I? Everybody knows me.

You could wear one of
my stockings over your face.

And how am I supposed to see through
30-denier lock-knit lisle thread?

You can see through Helga's stockings.

I expect.

But the banks have guards.

I will be shot and finish up
in the mortuary.

The mortuary, of course!

Monsieur Alfonse, the rich undertaker.

- What about 'im?
- He has money. Lots of money.

It is hidden in his mattress.

Our problem is solved.
Your wife will borrow the money,

we will pay for the sausage,

the Colonel will lay an ambush
to arrest the communists

and we will recover the ransom.

There is always a simple solution,
is there not?

Inform us as soon as you know
the meeting place. Come on.

Oh... You have to hand it
to these Germans.

They are wonderful at organisation.

What is so wonderful?
We have to get the money.

René! I have a message from Michelle.

If you steal the motor mower
on Thursday, the aeroplane on Friday,

then the airmen can leave on Saturday.

I think Michelle has concussion.

(Panting) Have you seen my wife?

She's upstairs
preparing herself in all her finery

for a dinner with M Alfonse.

(Tuts) Oh, René.

Why don't you persuade her
to marry M Alfonse?

Then I could be with you forever.

Loving you, kissing you...

'olding you.

Oh, I am so wild about you,

I find it 'ard to control myself.

So I see.

You can have a quick cuddle
before she comes down.

(Both) Ohhhh!

Right, time's up. Get the napkins.

Ohhh, you... You animal, you!

- (Growls)
- (Door closes)

Rrrené!

In a moment your wife will be down.

Lift me in your strong arms,
embrrrace me!

Prrress your body to my body.

Crrrush your lips to my lips.

(Gasping) Bury your face in my neck!

Rrruffle my hair!

- Oh!
- (Bell chimes)

You have just failed to beat the clock.

René, M Alfonse is 'ere.

Maria, get the soup, you put
the napkins down and come with me.

Ah, M Alfonse,

welcome to my humble restaurant.

René, I was burying
the widow Blanquette

when I received the invitation -

I dropped everything.

- Ah, M Alfonse.
- Mme Edith.

I feel like a man 20 years younger.

So does she but we need his money.

I have arranged for us
a little dinner for two

in the private room in the back.

Alone?

But what about M René,
the hero of the Resistance?

Er, I am going to be heroic
behind the bar.

But our meeting concerns
the Resistance.

We feel it is time you joined our ranks.

To kill and to die for France
is the dearest wish of any Frenchman.

Then you should be easily satisfied.

Step this way, please.

Maria? The soup.

Would you care for a rrroll
with your rrrepas?

- Thank you.
- (Banging on table)

That will do, girl. You may leave us.

Allow me, Madame...

to fill your bowl as
I would wish to fill your life.

Oh, M Alfonse,
you are such a gentleman.

I endeavour
always to be refined, Madame,

in my thoughts,
my words and my deeds.

(Loud slurping)

Delicious.

- Have you seen the pepeer?
- Yes, the news is terrible.

I was referring to the pepper
for the soup.

- It is on the side table.
- Of course.

One twist or two?

Two.

It is old but it still grinds.

And now, Madame...
to what do I owe the honour

of this delightful dinner?

(Slurping)

My fiancé René lives a life
of constant danger.

Any moment he may fall off his perch.

Perish the thought, Madame.

(Slurping)

There must be someone
who will do what he has been doing.

Madame... I tremble
with excitement and anticipation.

- In the Resistance.
- Oh.

This also I will do.

- Just call me when I'm needed.
- You are needed now.

(Whimpers)

- In the Resistance?
- Shhh!

Just tell me, Madame,
how a weak, short-sighted,

slightly crippled old man
with a dicky ticker...

can help you and you will receive
my fullest cooperation.

We need funds. Money.

Oh, of course.

The Resistance do not take cheques.

Pardon my stupidity, Madame, of course.

I 'ave my wallet.

- Just name the figure.
- It is a lot.

No sacrifice will be too great.

800,000 francs.

M Alfonse!
Keep breathing, keep breathing!

Keep breathing, keep breathing.

Do you think
she's going to get the money?

She is certainly earning it.

Hans, are you sure
this is the right bridge?

Yes, Colonel,
this is definitely the place.

René should be here
vith the money at midday.

Is the secret camera operating correctly?

I vill demonstrate, Colonel.

(Hooting, shutter clicks)

Do you think anyone will suspect an owl
vith a three-second exposure?

Only another owl, Colonel.

Keep still, Hans.
Trees don't wriggle up and down.

I'm sorry, Colonel.
I am having a problem vith a squirrel.

I think he's looking for some nuts.

My ambush troops should be
taking up position by now.

I cannot see them, Colonel.

Of course you can't, Hans.

They're disguised in a manner
that will not arouse suspicion.

Left, right, left, right,

left, right, left, right, left, right...

It is all right, Herr Flick, the coast is clear.

Do you think we are safe from detection?

Definitely. No one vould suspect us

dressed in the manner
of girls of the Resistance.

Can you see the rendezvous, Herr Flick?

I am observing through
my powerful binoculars.

Have you anything to report?

An owl has just raised its feathers to
reveal a 35mm Leica between its legs.

Perhaps it is the mating season.

(Shutter clicks)

Put it away, Hans.

I can see the ambush.
They're in position.

Where is René with the money? He's late.

Maybe he was arrested
by the troops at the roadblock.

You underestimate me, Hans.

I have equipped him with a disguise

that will enable him to pass freely
though the countryside.

Left, right, left, right, left, right,

left, left, right, left...

(Shouting gibberish)

Shut up! Can you never
underplay anything?

- There is the bridge.
- Eh?

Where we are to meet the girls
of the Communist Resistance.

There is the bridge where
we are to meet René's party.

They will be disguised as Germans.

Germans?

Halt. Zere is ze bridge.

To the left you will be observing
the girls of the Communist Resistance.

Zay will be in possession of the sausage.

Beyond the bridge
you will see the café owner

and his party disguised
as German soldiers.

Zay will be in possession
of the ransom money.

Everything is proceeding
according to plan.

# I'm not much to look at

# Not much to see

# Just glad I'm living and lucky to be

# But I've got a someone
who's crazy for me

# I'm funny that way #

Halt zere.

- Do you have the money?
- Yes, we have the money.

- Do you have the sausage?
- It is here.

Bring ze money forward.

Place it on the ground.

Retire ten paces.

When we have checked the money,
then you will get the sausage.

Halt!

What is going on here?
This is very suspicious.

Erich, Kurt, sit!

(Scoffs) These communists,
they trust nobody.

It is all there!

We'll get it all back again
when the Colonel's troops arrive.

Where are they?

In a moment they will arrive
at the rrrendezvous,

rrrecover the money
and rrreturn it to us!

It is correct.

Er... Check it again if you like.

Where have they got to?

Here is your sausage.

(Barks)

Hey! Come here, you naughty boy.

Come here!
Come here with that sausage!

Drop! Drop!

(Leclerc) Allez!
(René) Stupid...

It is a trap. Quick, into the woods.

Oh!

A dog has just apprehended
the Gestapo sausage! Arrest him!

Three Resistance girls are escaping.

Ve vill pursue them!

Hans! Our pensions! Quick!

(Gruber) Come back, dog!

(René) Come back, you stupid dog!

(Yelling and barking)