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1
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GUNFIRE
2
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Greetings.
3
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May I introduce myself?
4
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My name is Lurk,
5
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and I come
from a long line of Lurks,
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each and every one
7
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P how can I put this? P
8
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a coward.
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# Up the Front, up the Front
10
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# The boys are going up the Front
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# While we sit at home,
learning to knit
12
00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:54,160
# Little Tommy Atkins
is doing his bit
13
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# Up the Front, up the Front
14
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# That's where the boys are going
15
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# When we get there,
they won't have a chance
16
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# They'll lead Jerry
a hell of a dance
17
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# For just three and fourpence
we're going to advance
18
00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:13,880
# Up the Front, up the Front
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# Up the Front, up the Front
20
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# The boys are going up the Front
21
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# Give them all a kiss P
something like this
22
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# So they never know
what they're going to miss
23
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# Up the Front, up the Front
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# That's where the boys are going
25
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# We'll fight harder,
though times may be mean
26
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# They won't worry,
whatever they've seen
27
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# And back in your arms,
we'll forget that we've been
28
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# Up the Front, up the Front
29
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# The boys are going up the Front #
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Where's my boots, eh, Groping?
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With Lurk. I'll fetch them, my lord.
32
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My shoes, Fanny, and be quick.
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Yes... no, my lady. I'll tell Lurk.
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My boots, valet. My sand-brown belt.
35
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With Lurk, sir.
36
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Move!
37
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Sir.
38
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Yes, you've guessed it P
I'm the under-footman.
39
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And you can't get
much lower than that.
40
00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:41,560
I do the cobbling as well P
it's not fair.
41
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There's a load of cobblers upstairs,
and they're all a bit slack.
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Lurk!
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Oh, here it is. His Master's Voice.
44
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His Lordship wants his boots.
45
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Lady Twithampton's feet are bare.
46
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Captain Nigel wants boots P
for his feet P and a belt.
47
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All right, all right.
48
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There's a quick belt for Nige,
and his boots.
49
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Here's His Lordship's wellies.
50
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Now, where are the old bag's shoes?
Here.
51
00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:12,520
Thank you, Mr Lurk.
52
00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:14,560
You're welcome!
53
00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:19,360
Nice girl. A bit spoiled.
A bit despoiled, actually.
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He's always after her P
the butler, Groping.
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That's not only his name,
that's his hobby P groping.
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Look at this. Come on.
57
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Ah! There's the Fanny
I worship from afar.
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00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:43,280
She has a soft spot for me too,
though she doesn't often show it.
59
00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:49,000
(GASPS) Fanny!
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00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:51,120
Where's my over-40s tablet?
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Now I'm ready for anything.
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(Here comes old Groping!)
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Why Lord Twithampton took him on,
I shall never know.
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They're a very particular family.
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Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
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You have to be vetted, you know.
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(SCREAMS)
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They didn't vet Groping very well.
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00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:19,720
Mr Groping, what are you doing?
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What never can be undone,
I would say.
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00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:24,360
Oh, Fanny!
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Unhand me, Mr Groping,
this instant!
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Don't fight it, Fanny.
It's bigger than both of us.
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That's why she's fighting it.
75
00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:36,080
Oh, Mr Groping!
76
00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:38,720
You're not going to rape me,
are you?
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Heads or tails?
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Tails.
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She's lost... and she's pleased!
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(GROWLS)
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What a strange thing
to use braces for!
82
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:57,240
That's stretching it a bit. Ha-ha!
83
00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:01,320
We can't do this.
What about His Lordship?
84
00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:03,320
I don't fancy His Lordship.
85
00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:05,320
I must save her.
86
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For myself.
87
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(POSH VOICE)
I say, Groping, is that you there?
88
00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:13,000
Erm... yes, Your Lordship.
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I have to tell you
Her Ladyship is expecting...
90
00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:17,960
Pardon?
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to go for a drive after luncheon.
92
00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:24,280
Kindly tell the chauffeur
to get the motor car prepared.
93
00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:28,680
Oh, and by the way, Groping...
give that chap Lurk the day off.
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00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:30,880
Splendid fellow, that. He's P
95
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What were you doing there?
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How can I answer, with this
dreadful thing hanging over me?
97
00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:39,800
Oh!
98
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Don't worry, Fanny.
I foiled his fondling.
99
00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:45,000
Yes, thanks... for nothing!
100
00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:47,520
Huh! Nothing, she calls it.
101
00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:51,280
Well, she doesn't know any better,
poor soul.
102
00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:53,280
Still, I love her dearly,
103
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even if she is
only just a common little trollop.
104
00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:59,920
Round here
she's known as Fanny By Gaslight.
105
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:02,200
Or By Moonlight, or By Sunlight.
106
00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:05,960
It's all the same to her P
she always closes her eyes.
107
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:08,520
Come here, you!
108
00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:11,880
I'll teach you
to interfere in my private life!
109
00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:16,080
Your life is no concern of mine P
especially your private parts.
110
00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:17,840
What?!
111
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Groping, I've been looking for you.
112
00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:23,920
Yes, my lord. Your cravat P
it's drooping a little.
113
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:26,480
It's not surprising, is it?
He is 75.
114
00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:30,960
Thank you. One must look smart
in one's country's hour of peril.
115
00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:34,720
Silly old fool!
Convinced there's going to be a war.
116
00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:38,640
Indeed, My Lord. The Hun is knocking
at the gate again.
117
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What rubbish!
Who would dare start a war with us?
118
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Morning, guvnor.
Ah, Nigel.
119
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The balloon might go up soon,
and I'll be off to the war.
120
00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:53,560
Well, be careful.
Some strange women about these days.
121
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:56,120
Erm... sir. War. W-A-R.
122
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Oh, yes, I see!
123
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:02,240
Well, it'll be hard
on me and your mother, stuck here.
124
00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:04,920
I hope
we don't get on top of each other.
125
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:06,880
Don't worry. No fear of that.
126
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:11,000
Still, for King and country, eh?
We'll give Fritz what for!
127
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By jingo, we will, sir!
128
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:16,160
There's not going to be a war!
We're British.
129
00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:18,800
And after all, this is 1914.
130
00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:22,000
The young people today
would never allow it.
131
00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:25,680
Extra! Extra!
Read all about it. War is declared.
132
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Anyone can make a mistake.
Lurk, go and get a paper.
133
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Extra! Extra! Extra!
134
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War is declared! War is declared!
135
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England declares war on Germany!
England declares war on Germany!
136
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Extra!
War is declared. War is declared.
137
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England declares war on Germany!
138
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Oi, son, what did you say?
139
00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:47,080
(SHOUTS) England declares P
140
00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:50,880
Oh, take it down a bit, will you?
You'll hurt yourself.
141
00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:52,680
(LOWER) England declares war.
142
00:08:52,720 --> 00:08:54,720
That's better! Thank you.
143
00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:59,240
And Sir John French will command
the Expeditionary Force.
144
00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:00,960
And I'm ready, sir.
145
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Well done!
146
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:04,800
What about you, Groping?
147
00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:06,800
Oh, I shall join the Gunners.
148
00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:08,800
Good. Take the night off.
149
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Stroke of half past nine,
off you go.
150
00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:14,240
Oh, and give the staff
the night off too.
151
00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:16,280
Very good, sir.
152
00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:19,240
Damn me, one must make sacrifices,
153
00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:21,160
though it'll all be over
by Christmas.
154
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:32,240
They do say
it'll all be over by Christmas.
155
00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:35,400
You'll get your bit of pudding,
anyway.
156
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,400
Beg pardon?
157
00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:39,840
Your season of goodwill to all men.
158
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:42,320
You know
how you like a little goose.
159
00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:47,160
Mr Groping's taking me to a meeting
later. He's going to volunteer.
160
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:50,600
Is he?
You're joining up, aren't you?
161
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Erm... ah... ooh, well...
162
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I mean, if it'll be over
by Christmas, what's the point?
163
00:09:57,360 --> 00:09:59,880
You mean you're not going to fight?
164
00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:03,160
I try to see
the other chap's point of view.
165
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The filthy Boche
may enjoy being filthy.
166
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:08,800
Who am I to criticise?
167
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Oh.
168
00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:18,000
That's a white feather P
for cowardice, Mr Lurk.
169
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Fanny gave me a white feather.
170
00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:26,440
She called me a coward.
171
00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:29,640
(SIGHS) I don't know.
172
00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:35,920
The only thing I shall stuff
will be an eiderdown.
173
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:39,720
Well, I'll put this
with the other family heirlooms.
174
00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:41,960
Where did she say she was going?
175
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:45,200
'To a recruiting rally
in Belgrave Square.'
176
00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:52,280
Roll up! Roll up! Come and see
the great Vincento performing!
177
00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:55,200
Roll up! Roll up! Roll up!
178
00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:57,200
PIANO PLAYING
179
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,240
CHILDREN SHOUTING
180
00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:23,760
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
my assistant, the lovely Velma,
181
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:29,840
will move among you and recruit P
if I may use an appropriate word P
182
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enlist the help of a gentleman,
183
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(SLURRED) to assist me
in my final demonstration,
184
00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:38,280
here on the... on the... stage.
185
00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:40,320
Get on with it!
186
00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:43,760
You'd like to try, wouldn't you?
187
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:46,200
No, thank you. No, I'd rather....
188
00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:50,360
All right, come along now.
189
00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:55,040
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
190
00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:57,720
He's a coward!
191
00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:00,960
Come this way, my dear sir.
Over here.
192
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:04,520
That's right. Let me look at you.
Stand over here.
193
00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:06,560
Yes. Look at me.
194
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:09,240
You are not a coward.
195
00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:12,480
Erm... well, yes. I mean P
Enough!
196
00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:15,120
Just stand there, and only observe.
197
00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:18,560
You who scoff at the spirit
198
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:21,800
of the science
of - hic! P hypnotism,
199
00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:25,720
prepare to be not only surprised,
but amazed.
200
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:27,720
AUDIENCE BLOWS RASPBERRIES
201
00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:31,080
I will take your breath away.
202
00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:32,480
I wish you'd take yours away.
203
00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:34,320
Enough.
204
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,760
Relax. Relax.
205
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:38,680
Relax.
206
00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:40,720
That's it. Relax.
207
00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:43,440
Good. Good.
208
00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:47,040
You want to sleep. Deep sleep.
209
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:50,200
Deeeep sleeeep.
210
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,400
Deeeep sleeeep.
211
00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:00,760
Deeeep sleeeep.
212
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:05,200
Deeeeeep sleeeeep.
213
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:13,040
Deeeeeep sleeeeeep.
214
00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:17,200
(SNORES)
215
00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:22,080
Ah-ha.
216
00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:24,120
CHEERING
217
00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:34,040
Ahhh.
218
00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:36,880
Open your eyes.
219
00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:38,800
Ahhh!
220
00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:40,760
You are Lord Nelson.
221
00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:43,400
Lord Nelson of England!
222
00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:45,440
Here is your spyglass.
223
00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:49,720
I spy with my little P
224
00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:51,640
GUNSHOT
225
00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:53,680
(GROANS)
226
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,960
Some damned Frenchy's
put a hole in me!
227
00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:01,080
Kiss me, Hardy.
228
00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:03,360
Kiss me!
229
00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:05,360
Enough!
230
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:07,360
Relax.
231
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:09,360
Sleeeeep...
232
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:11,400
Enough.
233
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:14,200
Trafalgar is won.
234
00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:19,040
You are England's saviour.
Now you are Sir Francis Drake!
235
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,360
Sir Francis Drake!
236
00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:26,320
I shall finish this game...
237
00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:28,680
and still thrash the Spaniards.
238
00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:33,000
Now, where's my balls?
I must have my balls.
239
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:35,400
Where's my orbs?
240
00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:37,920
Just let me get them in my hands.
241
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,560
Enough. Enough.
242
00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:41,240
Sleeeeep.
243
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:42,960
Enough! Enough.
244
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:44,880
It is 1914.
245
00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:46,800
CHEERING
246
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:50,800
You must again save England.
We are at war with Germany.
247
00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:52,800
Save England.
248
00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:55,320
God save the King!
249
00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:02,440
Good.
250
00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:04,480
Here are your weapons.
251
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:09,760
Ha!
252
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:12,920
Come out of that trench, Fritz!
Come on. Ha!
253
00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:17,000
I've saved old England again!
254
00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:20,640
CHEERING
255
00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:22,800
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
256
00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:27,120
I will have pleasure in dehyp...
hic!... deyhp... dehyp...
257
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:29,160
in bringing him out of it.
258
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:32,920
At the count of three,
you will awake.
259
00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:36,360
One...
260
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,280
two...
261
00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:40,320
th...
262
00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:48,640
He's drunk again!
263
00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:00,040
Sir, sir.
264
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,280
Sleeeeep deeeeeply.
265
00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:05,280
This way, sir.
But I must save England!
266
00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:07,200
This way, sir.
267
00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:08,840
I must save England!
268
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:11,400
Yes, sir, you must. After the show.
269
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:21,000
Hello, lads and lasses!
270
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:23,040
Here's Auntie Cora!
271
00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:28,320
# England, my England
272
00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:30,360
# It's the only land for me
273
00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:34,680
# It was made by God
from true British sod
274
00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:37,240
# And she loves every sod
that she sees! #
275
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:42,160
Come on, lads.
Who's coming up to volunteer?
276
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:44,600
Who wants to feel a bloomin' hero?
277
00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:48,000
Come on, lads.
Let's have a quick feel!
278
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:50,040
Come on, lads!
279
00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:53,280
Here's a brave lad!
280
00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:59,200
There's a kiss from Auntie Cora,
and here's your King's shilling.
281
00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,200
There. Sign over there.
282
00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:04,240
Who's next?
Ah, here's another brave lad!
283
00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:07,080
Ah,
you don't know what you're missing!
284
00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:11,000
Here's your shilling.
There we are, from Auntie Cora.
285
00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:16,720
Mwah! What are you doing?
286
00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:18,640
I'm going on for the pound!
287
00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:21,640
You're jolly not!
You'll sign down there.
288
00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:23,960
Ah, yes, yes! I must save England.
289
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:28,400
Right, son. Me and Lord Kitchener
will give you a helping hand.
290
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:30,600
Thank you very much. Ah, yes!
291
00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:33,840
I must save England!
292
00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:37,080
FANFARE
293
00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:01,800
Well?
294
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:11,320
Thank you.
295
00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:17,720
All right, all right!
296
00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:19,760
Don't get brutal.
297
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:23,320
So... this is it?
298
00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:25,040
It is.
299
00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:26,720
Well, it looks a bit of a mess.
300
00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:29,480
Still,
I dare say one will get used to it.
301
00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:31,600
All right, you may go, my man.
302
00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:36,120
And you can come and pick me up
when it's all over!
303
00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:42,600
Oi! Ooh!
304
00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:57,760
Ah. That's what they mean
by the Arras Hole.
305
00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:03,400
Ah, those chaps will tell me
where to go.
306
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,400
Oh, excuse me. Could you... erm...
307
00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:08,360
I say, would you...
308
00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:09,600
MAKES KISSING SOUND
309
00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:11,400
Oooh!
310
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:13,320
I bet he would, too.
311
00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:16,000
I should think
he's a godsend out here.
312
00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:18,080
Erm... what was I going to do?
313
00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:20,120
'You must save England.'
314
00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:22,680
Ah, yes.
315
00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:24,720
Save England.
316
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:32,280
Well, now.
317
00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:34,280
HQ!
318
00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:37,440
What the devil's
Harry Quigley doing here?
319
00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:42,680
This is bad, you know.
Not a soul here to greet me.
320
00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:45,760
I thought
Kitchener might have been here.
321
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:51,080
Porter!
322
00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:53,080
There must be somebody here.
323
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:55,120
(GIGGLING)
324
00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:59,200
I don't believe it!
325
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,320
I must look for another film.
326
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:04,400
You P squaddie! You, come back here.
327
00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:08,120
Now, listen, boy...
328
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:09,800
It's Lurk!
329
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:11,720
Yes, Mr Groping.
330
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:14,400
Stand to attention! Attention, boy!
331
00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:18,280
(BABBLES INCOHERENTLY)
332
00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:20,200
I am a Sergeant-Major.
333
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:22,160
Yes, I heard that bit.
334
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:25,000
Which means,
as far as you're concerned,
335
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:27,000
the sun shines out of my arse.
336
00:20:27,040 --> 00:20:29,040
It's been a short summer.
337
00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:31,000
Now, listen to me!
338
00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:33,680
If you make one mistake,
I'll have you.
339
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:37,960
Oh, please, Sergeant-Major.
You see, you don't understand.
340
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:39,880
I'm here to help you.
341
00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:43,880
Oh, are you? That's very nice
of you. Thank you. Join us.
342
00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:46,120
Thank you. Where shall I start?
343
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:49,000
Over here. Sit down.
344
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:51,040
Here? Oh. There we are.
345
00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:53,760
I've got just the job for you.
346
00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:58,240
(LAUGHS)
347
00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:02,440
And when I come back, I want
to be able to see my face in them.
348
00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:07,600
If you're not careful,
you'll see them in your bloody face!
349
00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:18,680
SNORING
350
00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:45,800
# Rule Britannia
351
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:53,400
REVEILLE
352
00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:02,240
All right, you lads!
Come on, now! Up! Everybody out.
353
00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:05,920
Come on! Don't hang about!
Come on. Let's have you.
354
00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:08,240
Come on! Let's be having you!
355
00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:13,800
ALARM CLOCK
356
00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:15,720
Coming, My Lord.
357
00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:18,600
I've done the boots.
I've run your bath.
358
00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:22,760
Where am I?
359
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:24,640
Good morning, Lurk.
360
00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:26,680
Oh! Good morning.
361
00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:28,440
I trust you slept well.
362
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:30,360
Oh, very well, thank you.
363
00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:33,840
Seeing you here reminds me of Fanny.
364
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:36,160
Yes. Everything does.
365
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:38,800
That'll do.
You know, Lurk, hitherto,
366
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:42,600
I have fallen over backwards
to be a father to you.
367
00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:45,120
Oh, indeed you have, sir.
368
00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:48,680
So now there is a little something
you can do for me.
369
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:50,400
Of course.
370
00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:52,200
Get up! Get up!
371
00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:55,400
All right!
Don't get your puttees in a paddy!
372
00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:57,400
And get dressed.
373
00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:00,600
Then perhaps you would join us
on the parade.
374
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:02,040
On the parade?
375
00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:04,640
You know where the parade ground is?
376
00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:06,640
Ah, yes. First on the left.
377
00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:10,040
Well, there's your rifle.
Here's your bayonet.
378
00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:12,240
You know where to put it, do you?
379
00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:14,880
I know where I'd like to P
Lurk!
380
00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:16,760
Yes, sir.
381
00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:31,120
(GROANING)
382
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:32,840
Where did that one come from?
383
00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:34,800
He copped it in the rear.
384
00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:37,280
How? The Germans aren't behind us.
385
00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:39,320
He was butted by our goat.
386
00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:42,880
Whose side is that bloody animal on?
387
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:48,200
Nine casualties already P
two to the enemy, seven to the goat.
388
00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:50,400
I'd do anything to get rid of it.
389
00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:52,080
Have someone look after it, sir.
390
00:23:52,120 --> 00:23:54,040
Yes, yes.
391
00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:56,680
Now, who's our most expendable man?
392
00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:01,840
Ah! Private Lurk!
393
00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:03,840
Yes, Sergeant-Major.
394
00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:04,920
Sir!
395
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:06,960
LOUD GUNSHOT
396
00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:10,480
Now,
you look like a born leader to me.
397
00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:13,480
Oh, thank you very much,
Sergeant-Major!
398
00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:15,720
Well, it had to come, hadn't it?
399
00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:18,680
Yes. So I want you to lead... this.
400
00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:20,480
BLEATS
401
00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:22,240
That?
402
00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:27,000
Yes, and keep it under control.
I hold you personally responsible.
403
00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:30,040
Rear rank, attention!
Front rank, at ease.
404
00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:33,280
There you are.
I now pronounce you man and goat.
405
00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:35,320
Ha-ha-ha (!)
406
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:37,800
Silly sod!
407
00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:44,000
BUGLE PLAYS
408
00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:46,640
Come back here!
He's only practising.
409
00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:49,280
That's great P a stage-struck goat!
410
00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:55,240
Behave yourself,
you bearded drop-out!
411
00:24:55,520 --> 00:24:57,200
Be a good boy... or girl.
412
00:24:57,240 --> 00:24:58,920
What are you, anyway?
413
00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:00,680
BLEATS
414
00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:02,360
I'll take your word for it.
415
00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:04,400
All right, you lot.
416
00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:07,160
Chins in, chests out!
417
00:25:07,200 --> 00:25:10,160
Not you, you four-legged cutlet.
Get back!
418
00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:13,160
Where are you going now?
Get out from there.
419
00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:15,200
BLEATS
420
00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:17,480
RIPPING SOUND
421
00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:19,400
(Get down!)
422
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:22,360
I hope that goat is under control.
423
00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:26,040
Well, it's under something,
but it's not control.
424
00:25:27,080 --> 00:25:29,080
Oh, no!
425
00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:36,280
You're on a charge!
426
00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:40,280
Two million khaki backsides
in France, and it picks his!
427
00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:09,000
Damn cockroaches! Unhygienic.
428
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:16,600
Blast! Missed him.
429
00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:19,560
'Ere you! Where's them spuds, then?
430
00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:24,440
Hello!
Lucky I cleaned that yesterday (!)
431
00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:29,960
I'm off on a romantic assignation.
432
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:32,600
Are you?
I have a tryst.
433
00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:35,000
Oh, have you strained yourself?
434
00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:39,440
I'm seeing my beloved Mademoiselle
Frou-Frou in ten minutes.
435
00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:43,960
She's sweet and innocent and
I love her. You don't know how much.
436
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:47,520
I do. 25 francs,
including soap and towel, I hear.
437
00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:52,360
Don't be cheeky. We meet at Madame
Monique's gaff every Wednesday.
438
00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:54,360
Why don't you try it?
439
00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:58,360
Because I do not frequent
that kind of gaff P that's why.
440
00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:00,440
I've got better things to do.
441
00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:03,040
Yes, like finishing them spuds off.
442
00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:06,720
You won't see me this afternoon P
I'm having it off.
443
00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:09,360
That doesn't surprise me.
444
00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:11,800
He never stops, by the look of him!
445
00:27:11,920 --> 00:27:14,320
# Mademoiselle From Armentieres
446
00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:39,760
That's that lot finished.
447
00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:41,800
'You must save England.'
448
00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:46,120
Now, perhaps,
I can get on with winning the war.
449
00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:53,480
Is that the lot (?)
450
00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:55,400
Well, I'll be...!
451
00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:59,440
I don't think I will be P
not this afternoon, at any rate.
452
00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:04,480
Look at this fat thing,
with two beady little eyes.
453
00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:06,520
Reminds me of Groping.
454
00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:09,080
Aaaarghh!
455
00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:12,560
Oh, I'm wounded!
456
00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:15,200
I'm wounded! Help! Help!
457
00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:17,120
What's up?
458
00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:19,040
Look P my finger.
459
00:28:19,080 --> 00:28:22,520
Get me to the Royal Finger Hospital.
I don't see any blood.
460
00:28:22,560 --> 00:28:24,440
Eh? You're right.
461
00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:28,160
It's all gone. I might get
all infested. Oh, please!
462
00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:30,840
Listen.
Will you do something for me?
463
00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:32,840
If I shouldn't recover...
464
00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:35,800
would you give this to my...
my dear old mother?
465
00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:37,560
What is it?
466
00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:39,560
My father's address.
467
00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:41,200
Hey, you do look a bit queer.
468
00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:43,280
Look, this is all that's bent.
469
00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:45,280
You'd better go to the MO.
470
00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:47,200
The MO? Where's the MO?
471
00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:49,120
In the square.
472
00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:51,720
You'll see a door with MO on it.
Go on.
473
00:28:51,760 --> 00:28:53,760
Before I change my mind.
474
00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:56,400
THUNDER
475
00:28:57,080 --> 00:28:59,080
Get out of it!
476
00:29:02,080 --> 00:29:04,040
Road hog!
477
00:29:04,080 --> 00:29:06,040
Ah, MO.
478
00:29:06,080 --> 00:29:08,920
Right, stand aside, please.
Thank you.
479
00:29:13,520 --> 00:29:15,520
ACCORDION PLAYING
480
00:29:15,640 --> 00:29:17,280
Good afternoon.
481
00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:19,280
But who let you in?
482
00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:23,160
Can't you see?
Nobody is free to take care of you.
483
00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:25,600
We haven't got an empty bed.
484
00:29:25,640 --> 00:29:28,400
Don't worry about a bed.
A chair will do.
485
00:29:28,440 --> 00:29:29,920
A chair?
486
00:29:29,960 --> 00:29:31,560
Yes.
487
00:29:31,600 --> 00:29:33,480
Pardon me. Yes, sister.
488
00:29:33,520 --> 00:29:35,280
Sister?
489
00:29:35,320 --> 00:29:37,840
Oh, you are a Canadian!
490
00:29:37,880 --> 00:29:42,640
Never mind about the nationality.
Can you fix me up now? Be honest.
491
00:29:44,080 --> 00:29:46,040
Erm... yes.
492
00:29:46,080 --> 00:29:47,440
It won't hurt, will it?
493
00:29:47,480 --> 00:29:49,920
Nobody has ever complained before.
494
00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:53,480
Do you think I'll be able
to use it again soon after?
495
00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:55,480
Well, not immediatement,
496
00:29:55,520 --> 00:29:58,480
but I do hope
you will be coming here often.
497
00:29:58,520 --> 00:30:00,840
Oooh! Charming (!)
498
00:30:00,880 --> 00:30:03,280
We've got a bloodthirsty one here!
499
00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:05,720
Couldn't you soak it in warm water?
500
00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:10,360
Oh! You certainly have
very strange ways in Canada!
501
00:30:10,400 --> 00:30:13,560
Look P you go upstairs,
and you get undressed,
502
00:30:13,600 --> 00:30:17,440
and I will send somebody to see you
as soon as possible.
503
00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:19,360
Thank you, sister.
504
00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:22,040
Will you tell them
to treat me gently?
505
00:30:22,080 --> 00:30:24,120
I've never done this before.
506
00:30:24,160 --> 00:30:26,560
I can quite believe it, mon vieux.
507
00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:29,160
And tell whoever it is...
508
00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:31,160
to be careful of the nail.
509
00:30:31,200 --> 00:30:32,800
The nail?!
510
00:30:32,840 --> 00:30:36,200
Oh, we meet all kinds
in this business!
511
00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:38,920
Now, go, go!
512
00:30:44,560 --> 00:30:46,640
Oooh! Must be group therapy.
513
00:30:47,680 --> 00:30:51,440
Well, it's better
than basket-weaving, at any rate.
514
00:30:51,480 --> 00:30:53,360
Oooh, look!
515
00:30:53,400 --> 00:30:55,640
There must be a shortage of beds.
516
00:30:55,680 --> 00:30:59,120
That nurse is taking his tonsils out
on the sofa!
517
00:31:00,320 --> 00:31:02,280
A Canadian virgin.
518
00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:04,320
Formidable!
519
00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:11,440
How was it?
520
00:31:11,480 --> 00:31:15,040
Right marvellous!
Just what the doctor ordered.
521
00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:25,560
Oh. What a lovely little ward!
522
00:31:29,320 --> 00:31:32,880
Odd-looking sling.
Funny people, these French.
523
00:31:43,520 --> 00:31:45,160
Oh!
524
00:31:45,200 --> 00:31:47,080
Oh, mon cher sergeant!
525
00:31:47,120 --> 00:31:49,000
Madame.
526
00:31:49,040 --> 00:31:51,760
We've got a nice day for it,
haven't we?
527
00:31:51,800 --> 00:31:54,760
I am terribly sorry.
There is nobody free.
528
00:31:54,800 --> 00:31:57,080
Of course there's somebody free.
529
00:31:57,120 --> 00:31:59,120
Company, 'shun!
530
00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:03,640
Company, two places backwards.
March!
531
00:32:04,360 --> 00:32:07,960
See, madame? I told you
you were talking nonsense.
532
00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:10,680
Now,
who's going to be the lucky girl?
533
00:32:12,080 --> 00:32:14,280
You want your buttons cleaned.
534
00:32:14,320 --> 00:32:15,880
Let me see.
535
00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:20,160
Oh, dear me!
All the same old... faces.
536
00:32:21,320 --> 00:32:23,480
Haven't you got anything new?
537
00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:28,920
For you, sergeant,
538
00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:31,800
I have something extra-special.
539
00:32:32,440 --> 00:32:34,440
Just arrived from Paris.
540
00:32:35,840 --> 00:32:37,840
(WHISPERS)
541
00:32:39,280 --> 00:32:41,280
(LAUGHS)
542
00:32:41,920 --> 00:32:44,560
I don't think
my back could stand that.
543
00:32:44,600 --> 00:32:47,000
I'll have a try. Sounds very saucy.
544
00:32:47,040 --> 00:32:49,000
And the room number...
545
00:32:49,040 --> 00:32:51,000
is seven.
546
00:32:51,040 --> 00:32:53,320
Makes a change from number nine.
547
00:32:53,360 --> 00:32:55,360
Company, as you were.
548
00:32:58,960 --> 00:33:00,960
(SHRIEKS)
549
00:33:08,400 --> 00:33:12,400
Oh, dear! There's a cold wind
blowing up the boulevard.
550
00:33:16,320 --> 00:33:20,320
Hello! The fellow who wore this
must have had a problem.
551
00:33:20,880 --> 00:33:23,880
These bloody stairs
will be the death of me!
552
00:33:23,920 --> 00:33:25,800
Here we are P number seven.
553
00:33:25,840 --> 00:33:27,480
KNOCKS
554
00:33:27,520 --> 00:33:29,520
God! Groping!
555
00:33:35,320 --> 00:33:37,320
Prepare to advance.
556
00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:44,240
Ah, rearguard action.
We'll soon storm that position.
557
00:33:44,920 --> 00:33:46,920
Ah, it's Lurk's sister!
558
00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:52,000
(WHIMPERS)
559
00:33:54,880 --> 00:33:57,400
At last he's found no-man's-land.
560
00:33:58,440 --> 00:34:00,440
PATRIOTIC MUSIC
561
00:34:08,760 --> 00:34:10,640
'War diary.'
562
00:34:10,680 --> 00:34:13,200
'All quiet on the Western Front.'
563
00:34:18,200 --> 00:34:20,160
Now, let's see.
564
00:34:20,200 --> 00:34:22,880
'Today
I received a Red Cross parcel,
565
00:34:23,480 --> 00:34:27,480
containing a Balaclava helmet
and a treacle pudding.'
566
00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:31,880
'I found the treacle pudding
when I put on the helmet.'
567
00:34:33,560 --> 00:34:35,560
EXPLOSION
568
00:34:36,360 --> 00:34:39,480
'The village has changed hands...
569
00:34:40,320 --> 00:34:44,120
with the Jerries...
570
00:34:44,160 --> 00:34:46,120
twelve times...
571
00:34:46,160 --> 00:34:50,640
during the past week.'
572
00:34:52,600 --> 00:34:54,600
Well, now.
573
00:34:55,600 --> 00:34:59,560
As I can't win the war just yet,
I think I'll write a poem.
574
00:34:59,600 --> 00:35:03,480
Everybody out! The Germans
have captured the village!
575
00:35:03,520 --> 00:35:06,040
Come on! At the double! Get moving!
576
00:35:06,840 --> 00:35:08,720
Come on P out! Come on!
577
00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:10,760
Keep moving!
578
00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:14,360
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
579
00:35:16,560 --> 00:35:18,560
MUSIC STOPS
580
00:35:23,920 --> 00:35:25,920
# Deutschland Uber Alles
581
00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:28,880
Noisy riffraff!
582
00:35:31,800 --> 00:35:33,800
EXPLOSION
583
00:35:37,360 --> 00:35:39,360
'If I should die...'
584
00:35:40,560 --> 00:35:43,080
If I died, I couldn't save England.
585
00:35:45,440 --> 00:35:47,440
'If I were wounded...'
586
00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:52,040
Raus! Raus! Die Englander
haben das Dorf besetzt! Raus!
587
00:35:53,960 --> 00:35:55,960
Schnell! Schnell!
588
00:35:58,560 --> 00:36:02,400
'If I were wounded, think...'
589
00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:04,400
No, no.
590
00:36:04,440 --> 00:36:07,360
I might be laid up.
I wouldn't fancy that.
591
00:36:08,000 --> 00:36:10,000
Wounded P no.
592
00:36:10,280 --> 00:36:12,280
'If I were scratched...'
593
00:36:16,800 --> 00:36:18,800
Everybody out!
594
00:36:20,200 --> 00:36:22,600
I might get blood poison. Eurghh!
595
00:36:24,520 --> 00:36:26,520
'If I got lockjaw...'
596
00:36:27,480 --> 00:36:30,080
Ooh, no. I couldn't issue commands.
597
00:36:34,040 --> 00:36:36,640
'If I got a splinter...'
598
00:36:37,920 --> 00:36:41,120
Oo-er. That's a point.
It could turn septic.
599
00:36:42,520 --> 00:36:46,400
Why sacrifice myself?
'If I should wound an enemy...'
600
00:36:47,320 --> 00:36:49,720
'If I should wound two enemies...'
601
00:36:49,760 --> 00:36:53,400
'If I should annihilate
the whole German army...'
602
00:37:00,640 --> 00:37:04,400
Why are you looking tired?
I've been writing poetry.
603
00:37:04,440 --> 00:37:06,520
Lurk, come here! I want you.
604
00:37:22,240 --> 00:37:24,640
GUNFIRE IN DISTANCE
605
00:37:39,520 --> 00:37:41,160
Is this it?
606
00:37:41,200 --> 00:37:43,200
Yes, this is no-man's-land.
607
00:37:43,240 --> 00:37:46,480
I'm not surprised.
I wouldn't have it as a gift.
608
00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:48,840
Now, you are
the forward observation post.
609
00:37:48,960 --> 00:37:51,280
You watch these German trenches.
610
00:37:51,320 --> 00:37:54,040
Any sign of movement,
report back to us.
611
00:37:54,080 --> 00:37:57,000
Otherwise,
whatever happens, stay here.
612
00:37:57,040 --> 00:37:58,920
Of course.
613
00:37:58,960 --> 00:38:01,880
Don't get caught
with your trousers down.
614
00:38:01,920 --> 00:38:05,880
Oh, don't worry P it's too cold.
I'll wait till I get back.
615
00:38:05,920 --> 00:38:08,920
Keep your wits about you,
and stay hidden.
616
00:38:08,960 --> 00:38:12,200
All right. Wits, wits.
You can rely on me, sir.
617
00:38:12,240 --> 00:38:14,840
Yes. I know I can.
618
00:38:15,600 --> 00:38:17,480
To do a bunk.
619
00:38:17,520 --> 00:38:21,120
I'll give him five minutes.
Then I'll bet he's gone.
620
00:38:21,160 --> 00:38:26,080
Then I'll have him for desertion.
That'll cook his goose with Fanny!
621
00:38:28,120 --> 00:38:30,120
'You must save England.'
622
00:38:53,600 --> 00:38:56,600
Colonel von Gutz,
you have the master plan?
623
00:38:56,640 --> 00:38:58,520
Yes, Herr General.
624
00:38:58,560 --> 00:38:59,720
Open the safe, Captain.
625
00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:01,760
Ja wohl, Herr General.
626
00:39:06,640 --> 00:39:09,200
No need to tell you
what would happen,
627
00:39:09,240 --> 00:39:12,400
should this master plan
fall into enemy hands.
628
00:39:12,440 --> 00:39:15,440
We are aware of the consequences,
General.
629
00:39:15,480 --> 00:39:17,480
Gut.
630
00:39:19,920 --> 00:39:23,840
You may sleep in peace tonight.
The master plan is safe.
631
00:39:23,880 --> 00:39:25,880
Then let us retire.
632
00:40:28,400 --> 00:40:30,400
At last, I've got Lurk...
633
00:40:31,040 --> 00:40:33,360
just where I want him.
634
00:40:44,040 --> 00:40:46,040
Ah-ha! The trap is ready.
635
00:40:49,400 --> 00:40:54,320
Now the British spider
will await the German fly.
636
00:41:14,120 --> 00:41:16,120
SMALL CLICK
637
00:41:36,920 --> 00:41:38,920
Hooray!
638
00:41:46,560 --> 00:41:49,320
Dear, oh, dear!
What a terrible night!
639
00:41:49,880 --> 00:41:52,680
You can't see your hand
behind your back.
640
00:41:52,720 --> 00:41:54,600
What's that?
641
00:41:54,640 --> 00:41:56,960
Oh, it's my hand. Dear, oh, dear!
642
00:41:58,880 --> 00:42:01,280
Well, all seems quiet.
643
00:42:02,280 --> 00:42:04,280
TWIG SNAPPING
644
00:42:10,720 --> 00:42:12,720
Halt! Who goes there?
645
00:42:13,080 --> 00:42:14,680
Approach and give the password.
646
00:42:14,720 --> 00:42:16,440
BLEATING
647
00:42:16,480 --> 00:42:19,320
Oh, no! It's Billy the Kid!
648
00:42:20,480 --> 00:42:24,000
What are you doing out here?
Ooh, you are naughty!
649
00:42:24,040 --> 00:42:26,000
Come on.
650
00:42:26,040 --> 00:42:29,200
You and I must have a little talk,
man to goat.
651
00:42:29,240 --> 00:42:31,200
BLEATS
652
00:42:31,240 --> 00:42:35,360
I'll talk first, if you don't mind.
Now, stand still there.
653
00:42:35,400 --> 00:42:38,040
Now, listen to me.
FOOTSTEPS
654
00:42:38,080 --> 00:42:40,160
Shh! Someone's coming. Shh!
655
00:42:47,560 --> 00:42:49,040
Wohhh!
656
00:42:49,080 --> 00:42:51,080
Ah-ha! Get up!
657
00:42:51,560 --> 00:42:54,800
Congratulations!
You are my first prisoner.
658
00:42:54,840 --> 00:42:57,240
Lurk! It's me.
659
00:42:57,760 --> 00:42:59,840
Nigel... Lord Twithampton!
660
00:43:00,440 --> 00:43:02,320
Oh, you've changed!
661
00:43:02,360 --> 00:43:07,520
Yes, you have changed, haven't you?
You're a traitor! You have defected.
662
00:43:07,560 --> 00:43:09,400
You filthy swine!
663
00:43:09,440 --> 00:43:12,440
This is what comes
of being spoilt by Mummy.
664
00:43:12,480 --> 00:43:16,000
No, I'm not in the German army.
I'm Intelligence.
665
00:43:16,040 --> 00:43:17,560
You could have fooled me.
666
00:43:17,600 --> 00:43:20,240
No, no. I mean British Intelligence.
667
00:43:20,280 --> 00:43:23,320
I've been working
behind the German lines.
668
00:43:23,360 --> 00:43:25,360
That'll put another two years
on the war.
669
00:43:25,400 --> 00:43:27,160
Good God! Is that a goat?
670
00:43:27,200 --> 00:43:29,080
I'm sorry. I can't say.
671
00:43:29,120 --> 00:43:31,000
Cor, this is nice (!)
672
00:43:31,040 --> 00:43:34,480
My first German prisoner
turns out to be British.
673
00:43:34,520 --> 00:43:37,120
That'll look good in dispatches (!)
674
00:43:38,640 --> 00:43:40,000
Lurk...
675
00:43:40,040 --> 00:43:44,600
I have in my possession the German
master plan for the whole war.
676
00:43:44,640 --> 00:43:47,760
Now, I've got to get it
to General Burke at HQ.
677
00:43:47,800 --> 00:43:49,680
Will you take me to your CO?
678
00:43:49,720 --> 00:43:51,480
I'm sorry. I can't.
679
00:43:51,520 --> 00:43:53,440
I cannot leave my post.
680
00:43:53,480 --> 00:43:55,120
But it's a matter of life and death!
681
00:43:55,160 --> 00:43:57,040
I am sorry.
682
00:43:57,080 --> 00:43:58,640
Nothing will make me desert my post.
683
00:43:58,680 --> 00:44:00,440
GUNSHOT
684
00:44:00,480 --> 00:44:02,480
Except that. Follow me.
685
00:44:03,120 --> 00:44:05,080
GUNSHOTS AND EXPLOSIONS
686
00:44:05,120 --> 00:44:07,120
BLEATS
687
00:44:16,080 --> 00:44:18,360
So, the town is in our hands again.
688
00:44:18,400 --> 00:44:21,040
Is the tent for my headquarters
ready?
689
00:44:21,080 --> 00:44:23,560
Ja wohl. All is ready, Herr Colonel.
690
00:44:23,600 --> 00:44:26,480
Good. I want the staff officers
for ein conference now.
691
00:44:26,520 --> 00:44:28,240
Schnell!
692
00:44:28,280 --> 00:44:30,280
Sofort!
693
00:44:30,800 --> 00:44:33,400
Los, los! Ein Konferenz.
694
00:44:51,760 --> 00:44:53,720
I say, how much further?
695
00:44:53,760 --> 00:44:55,640
Not further. This is it.
696
00:44:55,680 --> 00:44:59,200
For goodness' sake, keep calm!
You are an officer.
697
00:44:59,240 --> 00:45:01,200
Now...
698
00:45:01,240 --> 00:45:03,760
Funny. I don't remember this tent.
699
00:45:03,960 --> 00:45:05,000
I think I do.
700
00:45:05,040 --> 00:45:06,880
Pardon?
701
00:45:06,920 --> 00:45:09,000
This is German Headquarters!
702
00:45:09,040 --> 00:45:12,280
Keep calm! Please.
There are no Germans here.
703
00:45:12,320 --> 00:45:14,200
GERMAN VOICES
704
00:45:14,240 --> 00:45:18,320
But there are some
damned good impressionists. Come on.
705
00:45:20,320 --> 00:45:22,320
Rechts, bitte.
706
00:45:23,120 --> 00:45:25,120
(This way P in here.)
707
00:45:27,360 --> 00:45:29,360
Look in there.
708
00:45:30,320 --> 00:45:32,240
What can you see?
709
00:45:32,280 --> 00:45:35,120
A damned great budgie.
Raus! Raus!
710
00:45:37,480 --> 00:45:39,080
Now, what can I do with the plan?
711
00:45:39,120 --> 00:45:41,080
Put it in the safe.
712
00:45:41,120 --> 00:45:42,720
It's been there. Where can I put it?
713
00:45:42,760 --> 00:45:45,480
Don't tempt me.
Achtung!
714
00:45:45,520 --> 00:45:47,920
They're coming! Where can we hide?
715
00:45:47,960 --> 00:45:49,000
In... no, you've been there.
716
00:45:49,040 --> 00:45:51,040
Under there.
717
00:45:52,400 --> 00:45:56,720
A damn silly time to call a
conference P three in the morning!
718
00:46:06,720 --> 00:46:08,720
Be seated, gentlemen.
719
00:46:13,240 --> 00:46:16,920
I suppose you think it's a damn
silly time to hold a conference?
720
00:46:16,960 --> 00:46:18,600
ALL: Nein, nein.
721
00:46:18,640 --> 00:46:20,520
Perfectly logical.
722
00:46:20,560 --> 00:46:23,080
Good. Allow me to introduce myself.
723
00:46:23,120 --> 00:46:26,200
I am Colonel von Gutz,
German Intelligence.
724
00:46:26,240 --> 00:46:29,840
(Colonel von Gutz!)
725
00:46:30,440 --> 00:46:32,400
(Sorry. Force of habit.)
726
00:46:32,440 --> 00:46:34,520
We are facing a grave crisis.
727
00:46:35,240 --> 00:46:37,840
We must consider it very carefully.
728
00:46:39,560 --> 00:46:41,040
Snuff, gentlemen? What do you say?
729
00:46:41,080 --> 00:46:43,760
GOAT BLEATS
What was that?
730
00:46:43,800 --> 00:46:46,200
Baa-aaa, Herr Colonel.
731
00:46:47,480 --> 00:46:49,480
Very funny, Hamburger (!)
732
00:46:52,760 --> 00:46:57,560
Gentlemen, a master plan of our
armies in the field has been stolen.
733
00:46:57,600 --> 00:46:59,520
Was?!
734
00:46:59,560 --> 00:47:02,160
There has been an enemy
amongst us.
735
00:47:02,200 --> 00:47:06,400
We believe the theft to be the work
of British Intelligence,
736
00:47:06,440 --> 00:47:09,760
a certain Niggel Whips-Waterscrew.
737
00:47:11,120 --> 00:47:13,080
That's me!
738
00:47:13,120 --> 00:47:16,840
Colonel, where was the plan
at the time of the theft?
739
00:47:17,680 --> 00:47:19,560
In your safe, Captain.
740
00:47:19,600 --> 00:47:23,880
What? That is impossible!
That safe is guarded day and night.
741
00:47:23,920 --> 00:47:26,200
Silence!
742
00:47:29,360 --> 00:47:32,280
The question is:
how was the plan stolen?
743
00:47:33,760 --> 00:47:37,280
Well, Captain,
I'm waiting for your explanation.
744
00:47:37,320 --> 00:47:39,320
SNEEZES
745
00:47:41,240 --> 00:47:43,200
It's him! (SNEEZES)
746
00:47:43,240 --> 00:47:45,200
Bless you!
747
00:47:45,240 --> 00:47:47,920
Get him,
and that 'bless you' fellow!
748
00:47:49,000 --> 00:47:51,000
SNEEZING AND SHOUTING
749
00:48:09,840 --> 00:48:11,840
Freeze!
750
00:48:12,440 --> 00:48:14,440
Round. Round.
751
00:48:16,440 --> 00:48:18,080
Go back.
752
00:48:18,960 --> 00:48:21,000
What do I do now? Sing Swannee?
753
00:48:21,040 --> 00:48:22,720
Fire!
Duck!
754
00:48:22,760 --> 00:48:24,840
It's not duck they're after!
755
00:48:25,960 --> 00:48:27,960
MACHINE-GUN FIRE
756
00:48:30,440 --> 00:48:32,560
Good grief! What's this place?
757
00:48:32,600 --> 00:48:35,240
A tattooist's shop. That's his wife.
758
00:48:35,280 --> 00:48:38,280
He practises on her.
So does everyone else.
759
00:48:38,320 --> 00:48:40,320
GUNFIRE
760
00:48:49,080 --> 00:48:50,520
Pull the blind down!
761
00:48:50,560 --> 00:48:52,560
The blind, yes.
762
00:48:58,080 --> 00:48:59,760
THUD
763
00:48:59,800 --> 00:49:01,040
Oooh!
764
00:49:01,080 --> 00:49:03,080
SHOUTING
765
00:49:05,320 --> 00:49:08,480
They are somewhere in the square.
Find them.
766
00:49:08,520 --> 00:49:10,920
The whole German army's after us.
767
00:49:10,960 --> 00:49:12,720
I'll put the chain on the door,
then.
768
00:49:12,760 --> 00:49:14,520
BLEATING
769
00:49:14,560 --> 00:49:16,600
Oh, here he is P Old Faithful.
770
00:49:16,640 --> 00:49:18,600
Wait a minute.
771
00:49:18,640 --> 00:49:23,400
Keep the light on all the time.
I want to see every building lit up.
772
00:49:24,240 --> 00:49:26,120
Come in.
773
00:49:26,160 --> 00:49:28,120
And wipe your feet.
774
00:49:28,160 --> 00:49:30,120
There's nothing in there.
775
00:49:30,160 --> 00:49:34,640
Right, we'll search the left.
Hurry, hurry, hurry! Schnell!
776
00:49:34,680 --> 00:49:36,920
Schnell, schnell! Over there.
777
00:49:38,040 --> 00:49:40,000
Lurk! Listen.
778
00:49:40,040 --> 00:49:43,640
This is it. Von Gutz knows
I've got the master plan,
779
00:49:43,680 --> 00:49:46,560
and he'll try to stop me
getting it to General Burke.
780
00:49:46,600 --> 00:49:48,360
So?
781
00:49:48,400 --> 00:49:50,360
Someone's got to volunteer.
782
00:49:50,400 --> 00:49:52,360
There's only me and the goat.
783
00:49:52,400 --> 00:49:56,800
It's got to be you. Think of your
army career. You'll go higher.
784
00:49:56,840 --> 00:49:58,800
Yes P angel, first class.
785
00:49:58,840 --> 00:50:00,760
No, no, no!
I mean, they'll promote you.
786
00:50:00,800 --> 00:50:02,520
Promote me?
787
00:50:02,560 --> 00:50:05,200
You'll be an officer
and a gentleman.
788
00:50:05,240 --> 00:50:07,240
An officer and a gentleman!
789
00:50:07,400 --> 00:50:10,560
You're right P that's my destiny.
I'll do it.
790
00:50:10,600 --> 00:50:13,600
Bravo, Lurk!
You're welcome.
791
00:50:13,640 --> 00:50:17,240
Remember the password:
'Boiled beef and carrots.'
792
00:50:17,280 --> 00:50:19,280
'Boiled beef and carrots.'
793
00:50:19,920 --> 00:50:22,720
Now we have them.
Only three shots left.
794
00:50:22,760 --> 00:50:23,960
EXPLOSIONS
795
00:50:24,000 --> 00:50:25,880
Man the gun! They're British shells!
796
00:50:25,920 --> 00:50:27,560
What's that?
797
00:50:27,600 --> 00:50:29,560
It's not the kettle boiling.
798
00:50:29,600 --> 00:50:31,600
EXPLOSION
799
00:50:34,120 --> 00:50:36,120
Lurk? Lurk!
800
00:50:42,200 --> 00:50:46,040
What can I do with the plan?
How can I smuggle it out...?
801
00:50:46,080 --> 00:50:48,080
BUZZING
802
00:50:49,720 --> 00:50:51,680
Well, why not?
803
00:50:51,720 --> 00:50:53,720
I hope you don't mind, Lurk.
804
00:50:55,240 --> 00:50:57,120
(MOANS)
805
00:50:57,160 --> 00:50:59,160
Oh, no!
806
00:51:02,280 --> 00:51:04,240
Hold the lamp!
807
00:51:04,280 --> 00:51:06,360
Don't be naughty. You are naughty.
808
00:51:06,400 --> 00:51:08,360
BUZZING
809
00:51:08,400 --> 00:51:10,400
Schnell! Schnell!
810
00:51:11,080 --> 00:51:13,080
Geh' mal los! Links auch.
811
00:51:15,240 --> 00:51:17,240
Komm!
812
00:51:21,400 --> 00:51:25,120
(GROANS)
813
00:51:25,160 --> 00:51:26,880
Hurry up, you fools!
814
00:51:26,920 --> 00:51:28,800
There's only one shop left.
815
00:51:28,840 --> 00:51:30,840
Give me that thing.
816
00:51:31,480 --> 00:51:33,480
Now to get rid of the plan.
817
00:51:33,960 --> 00:51:36,120
Oh, God, where are my lucifers?
818
00:51:36,160 --> 00:51:39,680
We know where you are,
so come out, English swine!
819
00:51:39,720 --> 00:51:41,720
'You must save England.'
820
00:51:45,760 --> 00:51:47,640
EXPLOSION
821
00:51:47,680 --> 00:51:49,680
Save England!
822
00:51:53,800 --> 00:51:55,520
EXPLOSION
823
00:51:55,560 --> 00:51:57,560
Aaaarghh!
824
00:51:59,840 --> 00:52:01,880
We've done it! We've done it!
825
00:52:01,920 --> 00:52:03,920
We're going to be all right.
826
00:52:16,600 --> 00:52:18,600
'You must save England.'
827
00:52:20,000 --> 00:52:22,000
Save England.
828
00:52:22,680 --> 00:52:24,640
I must save England!
829
00:52:24,680 --> 00:52:27,320
There there, Mr Lurk!
You were blown up by a shell.
830
00:52:27,360 --> 00:52:29,040
Was I?
831
00:52:29,080 --> 00:52:31,480
And you've got two huge swellings.
832
00:52:31,520 --> 00:52:33,520
Yes, I almost felt them.
833
00:52:34,040 --> 00:52:38,080
Do you know what will happen
if we do not retrieve our plan?
834
00:52:38,120 --> 00:52:40,680
It will have serious repercussions.
835
00:52:40,720 --> 00:52:42,600
Serious?! Serious?
836
00:52:42,640 --> 00:52:46,600
The German army is on the march.
The plan is in operation.
837
00:52:46,640 --> 00:52:48,520
It cannot be stopped.
838
00:52:48,560 --> 00:52:51,200
I shall stop the Britishers
taking it to their HQ.
839
00:52:51,240 --> 00:52:52,800
You shall!
840
00:52:52,840 --> 00:52:55,040
I shall get into their hospital.
841
00:52:55,080 --> 00:52:59,320
Poor Captain Nigel's in a bad way.
He's been knocked silly.
842
00:52:59,520 --> 00:53:01,680
Typical! Of all the officers!
843
00:53:04,400 --> 00:53:06,880
Oh, look,
is this absolutely necessary?
844
00:53:06,920 --> 00:53:09,680
Absolutely. Now, stop your nonsense.
845
00:53:11,840 --> 00:53:14,800
Ooh, dear!
You might have taken your ring off.
846
00:53:14,840 --> 00:53:16,560
It's a little gem.
847
00:53:16,600 --> 00:53:18,600
Ah, thank you.
848
00:53:22,360 --> 00:53:24,240
Ooh!
849
00:53:24,280 --> 00:53:27,520
Mr Lurk, will you look on me
as a trained nurse?
850
00:53:27,560 --> 00:53:30,360
Yes, but I'm not a trained invalid,
am I?
851
00:53:30,400 --> 00:53:32,400
(GASPS)
852
00:53:32,480 --> 00:53:34,360
Turn over.
853
00:53:34,400 --> 00:53:37,680
Finally! You were
near the point of no return.
854
00:53:37,840 --> 00:53:39,840
Over.
855
00:53:40,640 --> 00:53:41,880
What's this?
856
00:53:41,920 --> 00:53:43,880
Well, if you don't know,
857
00:53:43,920 --> 00:53:46,760
something
was left out of your training.
858
00:53:46,800 --> 00:53:47,920
No, I mean this.
859
00:53:47,960 --> 00:53:50,840
Well, I mean that.
There's writing on it.
860
00:53:50,880 --> 00:53:52,760
What? 'Made in Hong Kong'?
861
00:53:52,800 --> 00:53:56,960
No, it says, 'By order of the High
Command of the German Army,
862
00:53:57,000 --> 00:53:58,880
this master plan is P'
863
00:53:58,920 --> 00:54:01,720
That's it! The master plan.
864
00:54:02,400 --> 00:54:05,400
That's what Nigel was doing to me P
a tattoo!
865
00:54:05,440 --> 00:54:07,320
What a lowdown trick!
866
00:54:07,360 --> 00:54:08,720
It says, 'Top Secret'.
867
00:54:08,760 --> 00:54:11,320
Well, it could have been better put.
868
00:54:11,360 --> 00:54:12,640
What are you going to do?
869
00:54:12,680 --> 00:54:14,960
This is my chance, my big chance.
870
00:54:15,000 --> 00:54:16,960
My chance to save England.
871
00:54:17,000 --> 00:54:20,480
Now, where's the Headquarters?
I must get there.
872
00:54:20,520 --> 00:54:23,160
I'm behind.
Get the uniform, will you?
873
00:54:23,200 --> 00:54:25,080
Now, which is the way out?
874
00:54:25,120 --> 00:54:27,120
Let's see what's in here.
875
00:54:29,440 --> 00:54:32,240
(SHRIEKS)
Groping! I don't believe it.
876
00:54:32,280 --> 00:54:34,280
Where's my uniform?
877
00:54:35,120 --> 00:54:37,000
Lurk!
878
00:54:37,040 --> 00:54:40,320
There's special uniforms
where you're going.
879
00:54:40,360 --> 00:54:41,560
Empey!
880
00:54:41,600 --> 00:54:43,840
You are going to the glass house.
881
00:54:43,880 --> 00:54:48,160
The glass house? I'm not a tomato.
I'm the saviour of England.
882
00:54:48,200 --> 00:54:50,000
Please don't take him, Mr Groping.
883
00:54:50,040 --> 00:54:52,320
Sergeant-Major Groping to you!
884
00:54:52,360 --> 00:54:54,880
You're under arrest for desertion.
885
00:54:54,920 --> 00:54:57,120
What is going on here?
886
00:54:57,160 --> 00:55:00,000
He's the one you want!
He's a German spy.
887
00:55:01,000 --> 00:55:05,800
I beg your pardon, sir. We'll add
'insulting an officer' to the list.
888
00:55:05,840 --> 00:55:09,240
Officer?! My ar... Auntie Joyce.
889
00:55:09,280 --> 00:55:10,920
(I nearly gave the game away then.)
890
00:55:10,960 --> 00:55:12,720
Can I have a word, Doctor?
891
00:55:12,760 --> 00:55:14,280
Yes.
892
00:55:17,320 --> 00:55:20,960
Please don't let him take Lurk.
He's got vital information on him.
893
00:55:21,000 --> 00:55:22,680
Has he?
894
00:55:22,720 --> 00:55:24,600
And he must get it to HQ.
895
00:55:24,640 --> 00:55:26,320
Don't worry. Leave it to me.
896
00:55:26,360 --> 00:55:29,280
Thank you, Doctor.
My pleasure.
897
00:55:29,600 --> 00:55:32,000
You're to leave this man in my care.
898
00:55:32,040 --> 00:55:33,880
No, you don't! He's a spy.
899
00:55:33,920 --> 00:55:37,040
You want a crack on the head
with my billycock?
900
00:55:37,080 --> 00:55:39,560
What are you, an acrobat?
901
00:55:39,600 --> 00:55:41,560
Get him to a private ward.
902
00:55:41,600 --> 00:55:43,560
With pleasure, sir!
903
00:55:43,600 --> 00:55:46,960
I need to interro...
give him the help he needs.
904
00:55:47,520 --> 00:55:49,560
Come on, Nurse. Come with us.
905
00:55:49,600 --> 00:55:53,480
Oh, dear! A gallant young soldier
cut down in his prime!
906
00:55:53,520 --> 00:55:55,520
And I haven't had it yet.
907
00:55:59,920 --> 00:56:01,920
Oh, hello, boys!
908
00:56:02,640 --> 00:56:04,520
Look! Meals on wheels.
909
00:56:04,560 --> 00:56:07,760
Come on, boys P
a couple of choruses for Cora!
910
00:56:07,840 --> 00:56:10,960
Yes, come on!
Let's raise a chorus for Cora!
911
00:56:12,680 --> 00:56:14,600
# Up the Front, up the Front
912
00:56:14,640 --> 00:56:16,560
# Up the Front!
913
00:56:16,600 --> 00:56:18,840
# The boys are going up the Front
914
00:56:19,400 --> 00:56:22,160
# While we sit at home,
learning to knit
915
00:56:22,880 --> 00:56:25,560
# Our little Tommy Atkins
is doing his bit
916
00:56:25,600 --> 00:56:28,600
# Up the Front, up the Front
917
00:56:29,440 --> 00:56:32,600
# That's where the boys are going
918
00:56:32,640 --> 00:56:35,840
# When they get there,
they won't stand a chance
919
00:56:35,880 --> 00:56:38,480
# They'll lead Jerry
a hell of a dance
920
00:56:39,040 --> 00:56:41,880
# For just three and fourpence
we're going to advance
921
00:56:41,920 --> 00:56:43,200
# Up the Front
922
00:56:43,240 --> 00:56:45,960
Come on, Doctor. Sing out there!
923
00:56:46,840 --> 00:56:48,320
# Up ze Front
924
00:56:48,360 --> 00:56:50,320
# Up the Front
925
00:56:50,360 --> 00:56:53,600
# The boys are going up the Front
926
00:56:53,640 --> 00:56:56,680
# Give them all a kiss P
something like this
927
00:56:57,600 --> 00:56:59,640
Thank you, Matron. Very nice!
928
00:56:59,680 --> 00:57:01,320
# Up the Front
929
00:57:01,360 --> 00:57:03,360
# Up the fr...
930
00:57:03,840 --> 00:57:06,560
# That's where the boys are going #
931
00:57:11,000 --> 00:57:13,240
Now, I must get to Headquarters.
932
00:57:13,280 --> 00:57:15,160
I've got it!
933
00:57:15,200 --> 00:57:17,160
Still? With all these soldiers here?
934
00:57:17,200 --> 00:57:19,200
No. Look!
935
00:57:20,560 --> 00:57:22,560
You mean, get plastered?
936
00:57:24,680 --> 00:57:26,680
Sir!
937
00:57:28,640 --> 00:57:31,160
Farewell. You are an angel of mercy.
938
00:57:31,200 --> 00:57:34,840
Oh, it's the least I can do
for our gallant Tommies.
939
00:57:36,360 --> 00:57:37,480
Where are you taking this one?
940
00:57:37,520 --> 00:57:39,640
By ambulance to Headquarters.
941
00:57:39,680 --> 00:57:41,800
Just a minute. Who's on there?
942
00:57:41,840 --> 00:57:44,720
Just a young trooper
who's given his all.
943
00:57:44,760 --> 00:57:46,720
Poor, brave little chap.
944
00:57:46,760 --> 00:57:48,760
One kiss.
945
00:57:48,800 --> 00:57:50,800
One last kiss.
946
00:57:52,520 --> 00:57:54,520
Eurghh! Pickled onions.
947
00:57:57,120 --> 00:57:58,880
Lurk?
948
00:57:58,920 --> 00:58:00,400
Yes, Mr Groping.
949
00:58:00,440 --> 00:58:01,920
Lurk!
950
00:58:01,960 --> 00:58:03,960
(MOANS)
951
00:58:09,480 --> 00:58:11,480
After him!
952
00:58:12,480 --> 00:58:15,480
Quick! Army Headquarters,
before I crack.
953
00:58:15,520 --> 00:58:17,520
Right.
954
00:58:19,360 --> 00:58:21,360
Stop! Stop!
955
00:58:25,000 --> 00:58:27,720
Colonel,
how do you explain yourself?
956
00:58:27,760 --> 00:58:29,080
Herr General, I have failed.
957
00:58:29,120 --> 00:58:31,000
And you know the penalty?
958
00:58:31,040 --> 00:58:33,320
Ja, Herr General. I will be shot.
959
00:58:33,360 --> 00:58:36,640
I am bound to offer you
the usual alternative.
960
00:58:37,200 --> 00:58:41,080
Thank you, Herr General.
You know what to do?
961
00:58:41,120 --> 00:58:43,000
I do, Herr General.
962
00:58:43,040 --> 00:58:45,040
You mean...
963
00:58:47,240 --> 00:58:48,560
What did you see?
964
00:58:48,600 --> 00:58:50,480
BOTH: Nothing.
965
00:58:50,520 --> 00:58:52,480
Neither did I.
966
00:58:52,520 --> 00:58:55,920
The time has now come
for me to play my trump card.
967
00:58:55,960 --> 00:58:59,280
General Burke
is moving his HQ to Armentieres,
968
00:58:59,320 --> 00:59:02,560
and this stupid
British Head of Intelligence
969
00:59:02,600 --> 00:59:06,880
has become infatuated with
a certain lady called Mata Hari.
970
00:59:06,920 --> 00:59:08,320
Mata Hari?
971
00:59:08,360 --> 00:59:10,320
She is our top spy.
972
00:59:10,360 --> 00:59:12,760
You're not supposed to know that!
973
00:59:13,760 --> 00:59:17,280
General Burke is giving a party
in his HQ tonight.
974
00:59:17,320 --> 00:59:20,080
As usual,
Mata Hari will be by his side.
975
00:59:21,160 --> 00:59:24,000
We are leaving at once
for Armentieres.
976
00:59:58,320 --> 01:00:00,200
Here we are, mate. HQ.
977
01:00:00,240 --> 01:00:02,200
HQ? Here?
978
01:00:02,240 --> 01:00:06,000
We drive for ten hours
and end up back where we started!
979
01:00:06,040 --> 01:00:08,520
It's not my fault
if they move the HQ.
980
01:00:08,560 --> 01:00:12,320
Well, I wish they'd settle down
somewhere. Oh, dear!
981
01:00:12,360 --> 01:00:15,320
I'll have my coat, too.
All right, all right.
982
01:00:15,360 --> 01:00:16,760
Toodle-oo.
983
01:00:16,800 --> 01:00:18,800
Toodle-oo (!)
984
01:00:21,440 --> 01:00:24,600
Now, the thing is,
I've got to get into there,
985
01:00:24,640 --> 01:00:28,040
meet General Burke
and give him the master plan,
986
01:00:28,080 --> 01:00:30,080
and thus save England.
987
01:00:30,680 --> 01:00:32,920
The thing is, how? How to get in?
988
01:00:34,200 --> 01:00:36,200
Dear, oh, dear.
989
01:00:49,880 --> 01:00:51,840
Just a moment, sir.
990
01:00:51,880 --> 01:00:53,080
Can I see your invitation card?
991
01:00:53,120 --> 01:00:55,000
Invitation card?
992
01:00:55,040 --> 01:00:58,280
You have to have an invitation
from Mata Hari.
993
01:00:58,320 --> 01:01:02,040
Oh, Mata, dear old Mata!
One of my greatest friends.
994
01:01:02,640 --> 01:01:04,920
I knew him when we were at school.
995
01:01:04,960 --> 01:01:06,880
Him? Mata Hari's a woman.
996
01:01:06,920 --> 01:01:08,920
Well, he was expelled.
997
01:01:09,600 --> 01:01:12,080
Just a minute, sir. What's all this?
998
01:01:12,120 --> 01:01:13,880
Er... fancy dress. It's fancy dress.
999
01:01:13,920 --> 01:01:15,560
Fancy dress?
1000
01:01:15,600 --> 01:01:17,880
Yes, the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
1001
01:01:17,920 --> 01:01:18,920
It's that deserter!
1002
01:01:18,960 --> 01:01:20,960
Oh, look P a Zeppelin!
1003
01:01:31,200 --> 01:01:33,760
WALTZ MUSIC
1004
01:01:51,040 --> 01:01:53,280
General and Madame du Vivier!
1005
01:01:53,800 --> 01:01:56,000
Do you mean you've never met her?
1006
01:01:56,040 --> 01:01:58,920
I've not had the pleasure,
General Burke.
1007
01:01:58,960 --> 01:02:03,000
Neither have I, damn it.
Still, she's my hostess tonight.
1008
01:02:03,040 --> 01:02:05,120
So one thing might lead to...
1009
01:02:05,680 --> 01:02:08,720
The other?
(CHUCKLES)
1010
01:02:08,760 --> 01:02:10,720
Well, I had thought of that!
1011
01:02:10,760 --> 01:02:12,800
Where is the lovely Mata, eh?
1012
01:02:12,840 --> 01:02:15,440
In her room finishing off some mail.
1013
01:02:16,560 --> 01:02:18,520
Some male, eh?
1014
01:02:18,560 --> 01:02:20,520
Lucky devil!
1015
01:02:20,560 --> 01:02:22,560
I wonder who he is.
1016
01:02:36,880 --> 01:02:41,520
Ja. This information will be
very interesting for the Vaterland.
1017
01:02:41,560 --> 01:02:45,840
Very interesting, but not
as interesting as my work tonight.
1018
01:02:45,880 --> 01:02:47,880
Copy it and seal it.
1019
01:02:48,520 --> 01:02:51,880
Tonight I must get back
the German master plan.
1020
01:02:53,520 --> 01:02:55,480
Mata, men worship you.
1021
01:02:55,520 --> 01:02:59,080
They tell you
your eyes are fabulously beautiful,
1022
01:02:59,120 --> 01:03:01,680
that your mouth
is warm and inviting.
1023
01:03:01,720 --> 01:03:06,240
They tell you your skin is heavenly,
that your hair is spun gold.
1024
01:03:06,280 --> 01:03:10,040
They tell you that your figure
is desirable and sexy.
1025
01:03:10,080 --> 01:03:13,440
And why not?
I even intoxicate myself.
1026
01:03:17,040 --> 01:03:18,920
General and Lady Collins.
1027
01:03:18,960 --> 01:03:20,960
And where are you taking that?
1028
01:03:21,000 --> 01:03:26,360
(FRENCH ACCENT) Pardon. I must go in
and exhibit my onions to Madame.
1029
01:03:26,400 --> 01:03:28,640
She don't want onions. Buzz off!
1030
01:03:28,680 --> 01:03:30,840
But she always gives me business.
1031
01:03:30,880 --> 01:03:32,760
'Ere, it's him again!
1032
01:03:32,800 --> 01:03:34,720
Ooh, another Zeppelin!
1033
01:03:34,760 --> 01:03:36,720
Eh?
1034
01:03:36,760 --> 01:03:38,760
That's it. Get knotted!
1035
01:03:45,600 --> 01:03:47,600
APPLAUSE
1036
01:04:22,640 --> 01:04:24,640
WALTZ MUSIC
1037
01:04:32,080 --> 01:04:34,080
Oooh!
1038
01:04:38,880 --> 01:04:40,880
Trust me to pick this room!
1039
01:04:46,840 --> 01:04:48,840
CUBICLE DOOR OPENS
1040
01:04:49,520 --> 01:04:51,520
(HUMMING)
1041
01:04:56,560 --> 01:04:58,560
(HUMMING)
1042
01:05:12,760 --> 01:05:14,720
Not bad for a penny.
1043
01:05:14,760 --> 01:05:16,720
Now, trousers.
1044
01:05:16,760 --> 01:05:18,760
(HUMS 'ALLOUETTE')
1045
01:05:24,600 --> 01:05:26,480
Assassin!
1046
01:05:26,520 --> 01:05:29,800
Au secours!
Quelqu'un a vole mes pantalons!
1047
01:05:41,080 --> 01:05:45,880
I know I'm only a woman, but I hear
the Germans lost their master plan.
1048
01:05:45,920 --> 01:05:47,800
Oh, I know nothing about it.
1049
01:05:47,840 --> 01:05:52,680
It must be with the most important
man in the army. I wonder who it is.
1050
01:05:52,760 --> 01:05:54,640
Oh, me, of course. Me.
1051
01:05:54,680 --> 01:05:57,080
But you just said you know nothing.
1052
01:05:57,120 --> 01:05:58,920
I know everything.
1053
01:05:58,960 --> 01:06:01,440
You will see it. You're important.
1054
01:06:01,480 --> 01:06:03,480
Oh, I erm... (COUGHS)
1055
01:06:04,880 --> 01:06:06,960
Are you sure you don't have it?
1056
01:06:07,000 --> 01:06:09,760
Afraid not,
but talking of 'having it' P
1057
01:06:09,800 --> 01:06:11,880
Darling, I'll see you later.
1058
01:06:13,720 --> 01:06:15,720
Sir Grumble de Grunt.
1059
01:06:20,960 --> 01:06:22,880
'You must save England.'
1060
01:06:22,920 --> 01:06:24,640
I must P for King and country.
1061
01:06:24,680 --> 01:06:26,560
Pardon?
1062
01:06:26,600 --> 01:06:30,120
Oh, I'd love a glass of Pardon.
Thank you, garcon.
1063
01:06:30,160 --> 01:06:32,160
The Minister of Weapons.
1064
01:06:48,040 --> 01:06:51,560
I do not think
the foolish Englishman has the plan.
1065
01:06:51,600 --> 01:06:53,600
Good.
1066
01:06:58,400 --> 01:07:00,160
Mein Gott!
1067
01:07:00,200 --> 01:07:02,080
What is it, Colonel?
1068
01:07:02,120 --> 01:07:05,160
You see that man
who is lurking over there?
1069
01:07:07,160 --> 01:07:08,520
The one in the French uniform?
1070
01:07:08,560 --> 01:07:10,520
Yes.
1071
01:07:10,560 --> 01:07:12,520
He's an imposter.
1072
01:07:12,560 --> 01:07:14,520
He is British.
1073
01:07:14,560 --> 01:07:16,520
He has the master plan.
1074
01:07:16,560 --> 01:07:19,600
I want you to find out
where he is hiding it.
1075
01:07:20,560 --> 01:07:23,600
Don't worry.
A few drops of my truth serum,
1076
01:07:24,080 --> 01:07:26,000
and he'll tell all.
1077
01:07:26,040 --> 01:07:28,000
Thank you, Miss Mata Hari.
1078
01:07:28,040 --> 01:07:30,120
Auf Wiedersehen, Liebchen.
1079
01:07:33,320 --> 01:07:35,000
Sir.
1080
01:07:35,040 --> 01:07:37,040
Steak and kidney pie.
1081
01:07:39,600 --> 01:07:41,320
No.
1082
01:07:41,360 --> 01:07:43,360
Hot eels and mash.
1083
01:07:47,920 --> 01:07:49,880
Sir, sorry!
1084
01:07:49,920 --> 01:07:51,880
Boiled beef and carrots.
1085
01:07:51,920 --> 01:07:53,880
(Boiled beef and carrots!)
1086
01:07:53,920 --> 01:07:56,760
# That's the stuff
for your Derby Kell' #
1087
01:07:58,960 --> 01:08:00,920
Captain Phipps-Fortescue.
1088
01:08:00,960 --> 01:08:02,240
Shhh! Not so loud! Not so loud!
1089
01:08:02,280 --> 01:08:04,160
He sent me P
1090
01:08:04,200 --> 01:08:06,120
Yes, I know. Good man.
Now, have you got it?
1091
01:08:06,160 --> 01:08:07,880
Yes, I've got it.
1092
01:08:07,920 --> 01:08:09,600
Right, well, let me have it.
1093
01:08:09,640 --> 01:08:12,800
Erm... could we go upstairs?
No, we can't go upstairs.
1094
01:08:12,840 --> 01:08:15,040
No, I can't. We must have it now.
1095
01:08:15,080 --> 01:08:17,960
Now, look,
I'll cautiously turn my back,
1096
01:08:18,000 --> 01:08:21,080
and you can discreetly
slip it into my hand.
1097
01:08:21,120 --> 01:08:23,600
Oh,
you've got no hopes of that, sir!
1098
01:08:23,640 --> 01:08:27,040
Now, look, I want to see it,
and I want to see it now.
1099
01:08:27,080 --> 01:08:29,640
And that is an order.
Now?
1100
01:08:29,680 --> 01:08:32,360
Yes, now.
Now? Here?
1101
01:08:32,400 --> 01:08:34,400
Yes, indeed, now, and here.
1102
01:08:35,360 --> 01:08:37,760
Come along, come along! Hurry up.
1103
01:08:40,240 --> 01:08:42,800
Good God!
What the hell are you doing?
1104
01:08:42,840 --> 01:08:44,720
Do you want to see it now?
1105
01:08:44,760 --> 01:08:46,600
Yes, of course I do.
1106
01:08:46,640 --> 01:08:48,920
No, not there! Someone stop him!
1107
01:08:48,960 --> 01:08:51,000
You heard him P stop that man.
1108
01:08:51,040 --> 01:08:53,000
And take those hats off.
1109
01:08:53,040 --> 01:08:54,920
BOTH: Ja wohl!
1110
01:08:54,960 --> 01:08:58,240
Someone help me!
Help me. This man's a maniac!
1111
01:09:01,320 --> 01:09:03,880
Oh, ce type-la a vole mes pantalons!
1112
01:09:03,920 --> 01:09:05,960
Oh, the place is full of them!
1113
01:09:06,000 --> 01:09:09,880
Get them all out! We don't want
any French tricks here!
1114
01:09:10,560 --> 01:09:12,960
And stay there, English pig-dog!
1115
01:09:16,880 --> 01:09:19,120
Well, what am I going to do here?
1116
01:09:19,360 --> 01:09:20,720
Come over here.
1117
01:09:20,760 --> 01:09:22,760
What a remarkable echo!
1118
01:09:25,960 --> 01:09:27,960
Ohh!
1119
01:09:28,160 --> 01:09:31,880
It's hardly worthwhile
putting this back on again.
1120
01:09:33,120 --> 01:09:35,640
I've been waiting for you, darling.
1121
01:09:35,680 --> 01:09:37,680
Have you?
1122
01:09:40,320 --> 01:09:42,920
No. I'll play hard-to-get.
1123
01:09:55,000 --> 01:09:56,800
I've been watching you all evening.
1124
01:09:56,840 --> 01:09:58,720
Have you?
1125
01:09:58,760 --> 01:10:01,800
Every time I see you
I get lumps in my throat.
1126
01:10:01,840 --> 01:10:06,760
I should swallow hard, dear. I can
see another couple on their way up.
1127
01:10:08,360 --> 01:10:10,360
Ah, youth! Drinkies?
1128
01:10:10,840 --> 01:10:13,080
Would you like to have a drinky?
1129
01:10:13,680 --> 01:10:16,480
But first,
wouldn't you like to kiss me?
1130
01:10:16,520 --> 01:10:18,520
Mm-hm. Fool!
1131
01:10:19,400 --> 01:10:22,040
Mad fool!
You're flirting with death.
1132
01:10:22,080 --> 01:10:25,400
Don't you realise?
I haven't seen a woman for...
1133
01:10:25,440 --> 01:10:27,440
20 minutes.
1134
01:10:28,400 --> 01:10:30,400
COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
1135
01:10:32,320 --> 01:10:34,320
(Oh, so, that's her game.)
1136
01:10:37,600 --> 01:10:39,480
To a just peace in our time.
1137
01:10:39,520 --> 01:10:41,520
To a juicy piece any time!
1138
01:10:43,240 --> 01:10:44,280
Mm-mm-hm.
1139
01:10:44,320 --> 01:10:46,320
Mmm-hmm.
1140
01:10:47,600 --> 01:10:49,760
And one for the road. Mmm-hmm!
1141
01:10:51,640 --> 01:10:54,720
Yes, but first another kiss.
1142
01:10:58,000 --> 01:10:59,280
Oh, darling, please.
1143
01:10:59,320 --> 01:11:01,160
Oh, of course.
1144
01:11:01,200 --> 01:11:03,240
(She won't pull that old gag?)
1145
01:11:03,280 --> 01:11:05,680
Of course I will.
1146
01:11:06,680 --> 01:11:08,680
In that case, so will I.
1147
01:11:09,720 --> 01:11:11,680
Ohh!
1148
01:11:11,720 --> 01:11:13,720
Oh, I'm so sorry!
1149
01:11:18,320 --> 01:11:20,240
Oh, mm-mm!
1150
01:11:20,280 --> 01:11:22,160
Oh, do it again!
1151
01:11:22,200 --> 01:11:24,160
Oh, you're better than me!
1152
01:11:24,200 --> 01:11:26,880
Of course, you've had more practice.
1153
01:11:31,360 --> 01:11:33,800
Stop it. Your kisses are like fire!
1154
01:11:33,840 --> 01:11:37,640
Let's put another log on
and stoke up! Oh, more kisses!
1155
01:11:37,680 --> 01:11:38,840
More kisses?
1156
01:11:38,880 --> 01:11:41,920
Why not?
You're as deserving as any woman.
1157
01:11:42,800 --> 01:11:44,800
Mmmmmm!
1158
01:11:50,280 --> 01:11:52,280
(DRAWS BREATH)
1159
01:11:53,920 --> 01:11:55,920
(SIGHS)
1160
01:11:58,320 --> 01:12:00,280
Drinkies?
1161
01:12:00,320 --> 01:12:07,200
Drinkies!
Cheers.
1162
01:12:07,240 --> 01:12:09,240
Cheers.
1163
01:12:19,760 --> 01:12:22,360
Did you get the drug?
Yes.
1164
01:12:22,400 --> 01:12:24,880
Thank God! What sort of drug was it?
1165
01:12:24,920 --> 01:12:27,120
Truth drug.
Truth drug?!
1166
01:12:27,160 --> 01:12:29,000
It's against my religion.
1167
01:12:29,040 --> 01:12:32,120
I have to tell the truth,
for once in my life.
1168
01:12:32,160 --> 01:12:34,480
This could be very interesting.
1169
01:12:35,280 --> 01:12:38,120
Now,
what vital question shall I ask?
1170
01:12:38,160 --> 01:12:40,040
36-22-36.
1171
01:12:40,080 --> 01:12:42,200
I haven't asked you yet, dear.
1172
01:12:42,240 --> 01:12:45,360
Vital questions
will get the right answers.
1173
01:12:45,400 --> 01:12:47,440
Tell me P are you a German spy?
1174
01:12:47,480 --> 01:12:50,680
Ja wohl, mein Herr.
I knew it!
1175
01:12:50,720 --> 01:12:53,320
What other vital question can I ask?
1176
01:12:54,320 --> 01:12:56,320
I know.
1177
01:12:57,120 --> 01:12:59,440
Tell me P before you do drop off,
1178
01:13:01,160 --> 01:13:03,320
do you think we have time to...
1179
01:13:04,920 --> 01:13:06,920
We don't. Pity.
1180
01:13:07,920 --> 01:13:09,800
One more question.
1181
01:13:09,840 --> 01:13:11,240
She's made a comeback!
1182
01:13:11,280 --> 01:13:13,160
Call me tomorrow.
1183
01:13:15,800 --> 01:13:18,840
Game, set and match to England.
1184
01:13:29,240 --> 01:13:32,000
Donner and Blitzen.
BOTH: Ja wohl.
1185
01:13:32,040 --> 01:13:34,040
Komm.
1186
01:13:40,000 --> 01:13:42,240
Is anything the matter, Mata?
1187
01:13:42,880 --> 01:13:45,400
(HIGH VOICE) No. Come in, darling.
1188
01:13:53,200 --> 01:13:55,120
Ah! After him!
1189
01:14:05,480 --> 01:14:07,480
Links! Links!
1190
01:14:12,000 --> 01:14:14,000
Oh, Groping! Not again!
1191
01:14:15,480 --> 01:14:17,480
Lurk!
1192
01:14:21,600 --> 01:14:23,600
Och aye!
1193
01:14:51,400 --> 01:14:55,960
'Ere, what are you doing here?
You're not supposed to be in here!
1194
01:14:56,000 --> 01:14:57,880
I... I... shall return!
1195
01:14:57,920 --> 01:15:00,840
What's the matter with him?
Dirty old man!
1196
01:15:00,880 --> 01:15:02,880
GENERAL GRUMBLING
1197
01:15:15,720 --> 01:15:17,600
Good evening.
1198
01:15:17,640 --> 01:15:19,520
What are you doing in there?
1199
01:15:19,560 --> 01:15:22,200
The sarge said,
'Buy the right dress.'
1200
01:15:22,240 --> 01:15:27,120
Now, you cannot buy one in France.
So, I saw this lot. He'll love that.
1201
01:15:27,160 --> 01:15:30,480
I'll call the police.
OK, I'll scream for help!
1202
01:15:30,520 --> 01:15:35,440
No, don't. I've got a headache.
And I'm British. Aren't you British?
1203
01:15:35,560 --> 01:15:38,920
Of course. We're doing the cabaret
for Mata Hari.
1204
01:15:38,960 --> 01:15:40,520
We're the Buttercup Girls.
1205
01:15:40,560 --> 01:15:43,080
I'll be pushing up the daisies soon.
1206
01:15:43,120 --> 01:15:45,000
I'm on a vital mission.
1207
01:15:45,040 --> 01:15:46,360
Mission?
1208
01:15:46,400 --> 01:15:48,400
For the British Government.
1209
01:15:48,440 --> 01:15:50,160
You've heard of the Government?
1210
01:15:50,200 --> 01:15:51,600
Yes.
1211
01:15:51,640 --> 01:15:54,760
And I must complete it
by November 11, 1918.
1212
01:15:54,880 --> 01:15:56,080
Why?
1213
01:15:56,120 --> 01:15:57,840
The war ends then, doesn't it?
1214
01:15:57,880 --> 01:16:00,440
'Ere, who was that Scottish officer?
1215
01:16:00,480 --> 01:16:03,800
He's not a Scottish officer.
He's a German spy.
1216
01:16:03,840 --> 01:16:05,280
Ooh, is he chasing you?
1217
01:16:05,320 --> 01:16:07,800
He's after my hide, in every sense.
1218
01:16:07,840 --> 01:16:10,760
What do you mean?
Oh, it doesn't matter.
1219
01:16:10,800 --> 01:16:14,040
Look, I must disguise myself.
Can you help me?
1220
01:16:14,080 --> 01:16:18,120
Yes, I've got the very thing.
Look P that should cover it.
1221
01:16:18,160 --> 01:16:20,440
No, it won't. Not by a long chalk.
1222
01:16:20,480 --> 01:16:24,160
Oh, well, how about this one?
Ah, now, that's better!
1223
01:16:24,200 --> 01:16:26,160
It belongs to the assistant.
1224
01:16:26,200 --> 01:16:27,800
What assistant?
1225
01:16:27,840 --> 01:16:29,760
A very courageous person.
1226
01:16:29,800 --> 01:16:32,040
In that case, it is bound to fit.
1227
01:16:36,800 --> 01:16:39,880
Thank you, thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
1228
01:16:39,920 --> 01:16:44,200
And now I would like to introduce
to you my lovely assistant,
1229
01:16:44,240 --> 01:16:47,360
the beautiful Isabella!
1230
01:16:51,480 --> 01:16:53,560
APPLAUSE AND WOLF-WHISTLES
1231
01:17:01,320 --> 01:17:03,080
Who are you?
1232
01:17:03,120 --> 01:17:05,120
Your assistant.
1233
01:17:06,560 --> 01:17:08,240
Where's my assistant?
1234
01:17:08,280 --> 01:17:10,160
She's indisposed.
1235
01:17:10,200 --> 01:17:11,240
Indisposed?
1236
01:17:11,280 --> 01:17:13,280
Pissed.
1237
01:17:14,920 --> 01:17:16,920
Stand by that wall.
1238
01:17:19,120 --> 01:17:21,120
Why against the wall?
1239
01:17:22,520 --> 01:17:24,320
I see.
1240
01:17:26,440 --> 01:17:28,440
I'm not cut out for this.
1241
01:17:28,960 --> 01:17:30,960
But I soon will be.
1242
01:17:36,360 --> 01:17:40,600
Fantastic!
No fear in that girl at all.
1243
01:17:40,840 --> 01:17:45,160
Not a drop of perspiration on her.
The dago's sweating a bit.
1244
01:17:46,320 --> 01:17:48,320
KNIFE STRIKING BOARD
1245
01:17:59,680 --> 01:18:01,400
(WHIMPERS)
1246
01:18:03,240 --> 01:18:04,640
God, he's nicked my knickers!
1247
01:18:04,680 --> 01:18:06,520
(LAUGHS) What larks!
1248
01:18:06,560 --> 01:18:08,560
She's lost her bloomers!
1249
01:18:13,080 --> 01:18:15,480
What's that on her bottom?
1250
01:18:17,240 --> 01:18:19,760
Tattoo, sir. Looks like the Front.
1251
01:18:20,360 --> 01:18:24,440
No, no, no, the back. Girls have
their bottoms at the back.
1252
01:18:24,480 --> 01:18:26,480
No, sir. A map of the Front.
1253
01:18:27,160 --> 01:18:30,280
Good grief! A map?
Boiled beef and carrots?
1254
01:18:32,240 --> 01:18:34,240
That she's a he.
1255
01:18:38,640 --> 01:18:40,640
The secret panel!
1256
01:18:41,320 --> 01:18:44,720
He's gone! Get him. Get him.
The war depends on it.
1257
01:18:44,760 --> 01:18:46,760
Follow me. I know the way.
1258
01:18:54,280 --> 01:18:57,720
# OFFENBACH:
Orpheus In The Underworld (Galop)
1259
01:19:18,680 --> 01:19:20,680
Now, where am I?
1260
01:19:21,360 --> 01:19:23,360
Oh, damn! The key's in.
1261
01:19:27,680 --> 01:19:30,200
Not so fast, Lurk. I have ein Luger.
1262
01:19:30,600 --> 01:19:32,600
And I have a folding bed.
1263
01:19:33,840 --> 01:19:35,840
Aaarghh!
1264
01:19:37,360 --> 01:19:39,360
Ah, camouflage.
1265
01:20:09,160 --> 01:20:11,680
What?
Haven't you seen a tree before?
1266
01:20:11,720 --> 01:20:14,960
Sorry, sir.
We have branches everywhere!
1267
01:20:19,080 --> 01:20:21,040
Lurk!
1268
01:20:21,080 --> 01:20:23,080
'You must save England.'
1269
01:21:04,240 --> 01:21:06,640
Excuse me. I'm looking for a tree.
1270
01:21:10,400 --> 01:21:12,120
(SCREAMS)
1271
01:21:12,160 --> 01:21:14,760
Sergeant-Major, you're a sex maniac!
1272
01:21:14,800 --> 01:21:16,800
Police, arrest that man!
1273
01:21:20,240 --> 01:21:24,360
Not so fast, Herr General.
Now is the time to reveal myself.
1274
01:21:24,400 --> 01:21:26,280
Good God! Not another one?
1275
01:21:26,320 --> 01:21:28,320
Ha!
1276
01:21:32,040 --> 01:21:36,320
Private Lurk has the master plan.
The Boche attack tonight.
1277
01:21:36,360 --> 01:21:39,040
Lurk!
Sir!
1278
01:21:39,080 --> 01:21:41,080
Bend down.
1279
01:21:41,800 --> 01:21:43,800
I thought you'd never ask!
1280
01:22:02,960 --> 01:22:04,960
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1281
01:22:06,360 --> 01:22:11,080
Now, the enemy are attacking down
the right cheek... erm... flank.
1282
01:22:11,120 --> 01:22:15,160
We bring the 51st over here, and...
Give me another flag.
1283
01:22:15,200 --> 01:22:17,080
Another one, sir?
1284
01:22:17,120 --> 01:22:19,000
(SCREECHES)
1285
01:22:19,040 --> 01:22:21,440
Gentlemen, this could win the war!
1286
01:22:21,480 --> 01:22:23,320
Lurk...
1287
01:22:23,360 --> 01:22:25,960
I am going to pin a medal on you.
1288
01:22:26,560 --> 01:22:28,880
Oh, not now, sir, please! Later.
1289
01:22:29,920 --> 01:22:31,880
What a pretty one.
1290
01:22:31,920 --> 01:22:35,960
Colonel Lurk, you are wonderful!
I salute your courage.
1291
01:22:36,000 --> 01:22:37,880
Oh, you mustn't!
1292
01:22:37,920 --> 01:22:39,800
And I kiss your endeavour.
1293
01:22:39,840 --> 01:22:42,120
Leave that to me. Would you mind?
1294
01:22:42,160 --> 01:22:44,160
Certainly.
1295
01:22:45,480 --> 01:22:47,360
I don't believe it!
1296
01:22:47,400 --> 01:22:49,800
Ah! Private Groping.
1297
01:22:50,720 --> 01:22:53,080
Yes, it's true. It's me.
1298
01:22:53,120 --> 01:22:56,880
'Relax. You are England's saviour.'
1299
01:23:08,640 --> 01:23:11,240
Summer, 1939,
1300
01:23:12,120 --> 01:23:14,120
and looking not a day older.
1301
01:23:16,480 --> 01:23:20,000
RADIO: "..no such undertaking
has been received,
1302
01:23:20,040 --> 01:23:24,280
and that consequently, this country
is at war with Germany."
1303
01:23:24,320 --> 01:23:28,320
Nonsense! The young people today
would never allow it.
1304
01:23:31,840 --> 01:23:33,400
Well, then, did you hear that?
1305
01:23:33,440 --> 01:23:35,080
What?
1306
01:23:35,120 --> 01:23:37,000
The Jerries are at it again.
1307
01:23:37,040 --> 01:23:41,200
Are they? Well, you'll have
to manage without me this time.
1308
01:23:41,240 --> 01:23:43,560
I've got the kids to think about.
1309
01:23:49,560 --> 01:23:51,560
BLEATING
1310
01:23:57,200 --> 01:23:58,200
AIR-RAID SIREN
1311
01:23:59,280 --> 01:24:02,280
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