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[ Scattered chanting ] C.K.! C.K.!
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[ Whooping ]
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Louis! Louis!
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[ More join ] Louis! Louis! Louis!
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Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis!
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[ Chanting stops ]
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[ Indistinct shouts ]
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[ Shrill whistle ]
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[ Indistinct chatter ]
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[ Scattered cheering and applause ]
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[ Cheering and applause ]
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Thank you.
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[ Cheering and applause ]
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Thank you.
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Sit down, please. Thank you.
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Thank you very much. Thanks. Nice to, uh...
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All right. Nice to see you all.
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Thanks for coming.
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I've been thinking about you all day.
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How are you? How -- how was your last couple of years?
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[ Laughter ] How...
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How was 2018 and '19 for you guys?
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[ Laughter ]
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Anybody else getting global amounts of trouble,
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anybody else...
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[ Laughs, groans ]
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Fuck!
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[ Cheering and applause ]
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That was crazy...
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Man, I was in a lot of trou--
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Wait till they see those pictures of me in blackface.
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That's gonna to be...
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That's going to make it a lot worse.
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Because there is a lot of those, there's thousands of pictures
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of me in blackface.
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I can't stop doing it, I just...
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I like it, I like how it feels.
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[ Laughter ]
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Fuck, man, that was...
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You know what? I learned a lot.
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I learned a lot -- I learned how to eat alone in a restaurant
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with people giving me the finger from across the room.
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[ Laughter ]
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When you get in trouble,
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you learn who your real friends are.
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It's true -- people like saying that like that's a good thing.
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Who the fuck wants to know who their real friends are?
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You don't want to know that.
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Believe me, you don't want to know.
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It's never who you want it to be.
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It's not your cool friends and it's not your fun friends.
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It's your real friends.
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"I'm here for you."
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I fucking know that.
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I have this friend, she's the best person I know,
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but I sometimes want to punch her in the face
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because she's so nice --
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because I'm not a good person.
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Like, I'll tell her something I'm having problems with,
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and she'll say, "I'm going to pray on that for you."
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[ Groans ]
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I have a feeling when she prays, God's like, "Ugh!
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Fuck!
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This one makes me want to get out of the business."
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You guys think there's a God? How many --
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How many of you, by applause, believe there is a God.
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How many people? [ Cheering and applause ]
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All right. About 30 out of 1,400.
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That's nice. That's nice.
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That shit's over.
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It's just fucking over.
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You go into a church, it's like going to a roller skating rink
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on a Wednesday, it's like...
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"This used to be something! What happened?"
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I don't know. I don't think there's a God.
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And that's not a conviction. I just don't suppose.
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I just -- I just reckon there ain't.
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I reckon there ain't no lord.
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[ Laughter ]
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And because I don't believe there's a God,
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I fucking hope there's not a God.
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I fuckin' hope -- Oh, please!
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If you don't believe in God, you better fucking hope --
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you better get on your knees and pray.
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Please, God, don't be.
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'Cause that's a bad thing to be wrong about.
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That's a bad wrong.
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You're an atheist your whole life and you die
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and you're like, "Aw, fuck!
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Aw, you're shitting -- with a beard and everything.
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Fuck! Aww...
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Hey, I -- I dunno...
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Yeah, yeah, I'm going. Yep."
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Being wrong the other way is not a big problem.
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If you believe in God and you're wrong,
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you don't really have a problem.
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It gives you a little comfort during your stupid life.
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And then at the end, you're just seriously disappointed
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for like a second -- it's the last feeling you get to have.
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You die, you're like, "Nothing?
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Seriously? Nothing?"
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"Yeah, just get in the Dumpster. Sorry."
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[ Laughter ]
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"Sorry, you're just garbage now."
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If you don't believe in God, that's what you believe --
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that when you die, you're just garbage.
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You are your family's newest garbage.
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My mom died last year and we asked her, like,
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"What do you want," like, before she died, we didn't --
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We didn't ask her at -- "Ma! Ma!
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Fuck!"
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I asked my mom what we wanted --
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what she wanted to do with her body.
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And she said, "Just burn it."
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That's what she said: Burn it.
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What, in the yard with leaves? What the fuck?
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She didn't want a funeral, no pageantry, nothing.
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So she booked it herself.
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That was her last act as an American consumer.
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She went online with a credit card
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and she booked her own cremation.
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It's true -- at a place called Boston Crematorium.
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Just this place that burns bums and dogs all day.
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They just folded my mom into the workload.
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We didn't even know, just this guy showed up.
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"I'm here for your ma."
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"All right, Sully, she's in there."
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And he went in there to prepare her.
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My sisters are waiting in the hall
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and he was in there for a while.
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[ Laughter ]
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I didn't say anything. I'm just...
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Saying he was in there with my mom for a long time.
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That's all I'm saying.
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And also that I was worried
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he was fucking my dead mother.
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[ Laughter ]
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Anyway, then he brought her out in a kind of a nice bag
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and... and he put her in a van.
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Just a -- his van.
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It's like a '98 Ford Windstar
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with a bottle of red Gatorade rolling around in the back.
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It's the last time I saw my mom.
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[ Laughter ]
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That's what she wanted.
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[ Laughter ]
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She didn't believe in this God shit.
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Just didn't.
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I was talking to my friend the other day about Jesus...
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uh, Christ,
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and, um...
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I don't remember why,
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but I happened to mention that Jesus was Jewish
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and my friend said, "He was?"
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And I said, Yeah. Jesus was Jewish.
156
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And he said, "I don't think so."
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And I said, that's okay, it already all happened.
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Doesn't matter where you think.
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But he'd argued with me. He was like, "Dude,
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Jesus couldn't be Jewish. Think about it."
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I'm like, "You fucking think about it, you idiot.
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What d-- What was he then? You're...
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What, was he Presbyterian? What was he?
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Catholic? Okay, Jesus was Catholic
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and he had a gold chain with a cross.
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And when they nailed him up, he was like,
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"Oh, that's why we have those!"
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[ Laughter ]
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"That finally makes sense. I didn't even know.
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Oh, fuck, that's me! I'm the little guy on it!"
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[ Laughter ]
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Every religion has a strange story or a rule
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that doesn't make sense to me.
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You know, like every time there's a terrorist act,
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they always tell you on the news
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about how they believe they're all going to heaven.
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And every guy who does a jihad thing
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and he gets 72 virgins, that's right.
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That's the story, always 72 virgins.
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Which, first of all, who are those women?
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Who are the 72 virgins?
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Does God have to kill 72 nice girls?
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"All right, ladies, uh,
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the good news is you're going to heaven.
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The weird news..."
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[ Laughter ]
187
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Or does God just make 'em fresh like farm raised salmon?
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He just whips up 72 women.
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"All right. Nobody fuck these. I'm saving them for that guy."
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It's a weird concept.
191
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You get your own 72 virgins for all eternity.
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First of all, they're only virgins when you first get them.
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Once you start fucking them, it's over.
194
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After a week, he's like, "I only have three left."
195
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"And 69 whores."
196
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That has to be one of the more confusing moments in God's life
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when he's handing off 72 virgins
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to some guy who just blew up a bus in Tel Aviv,
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and he's like, "All right. Uh...
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The fuck am I doing? I don't even know anymore.
201
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I need a drink."
202
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I'm curious about God. I'm curious about his life.
203
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I'm curious about God's existence.
204
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What's that like to be God?
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You know, we don't know anything about him.
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I think one reason people don't believe in him,
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because we don't have a sense of God
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because he doesn't say anything anymore.
209
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Used to talk all the time,
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used to go up to people on the street, "Hey!"
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[ Gibberish ]
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Writing on the rocks -- "Look at that! Do it!"
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And it was conf-- Everybody's like,
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trying to figure it out.
215
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And then for 2,000 years, he just --
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"Mm, meh." Nothing! Says nothing!
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And everybody's fighting.
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He could clear a lot of shit up
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with a five-minute press conference.
220
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If God spoke for five minutes, he'd solve a lot of problems.
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He'd just show up, "All right, everybody, yeah, I'm the Lord.
222
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Okay, real quick.
223
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First of all, Mormons, just: no.
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[ Laughter and applause ]
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What is that? Just go home.
226
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Also, Jews with the little things, what the fuck?
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I don't know...
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Put a hat on or don't, nobody gives a shit.
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This is weird. I hate these. I hate them.
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I sent everybody with one of those to hell every day.
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I do. It's just my thing. Just so you know.
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Do what you want, but that's where you're going.
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Now, you know.
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Also, I don't care who you fuck.
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I don't care. It never mattered.
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It was Adam and Eve and Steve.
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They were all fucking each other.
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I was jerking off to it. It was a great time.
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So it's not an issue for me.
240
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I don't know why it is for you.
241
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Have fun and use all the holes, that's what I say.
242
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Also, you're supposed to fuck the animals.
243
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That's why I made them!
244
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Why are you not fucking the animals?!
245
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There's only like 30,000 of you fucking the animals.
246
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What are the rest of you -- You're eating them?!
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That's disgusting!
248
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What is wrong with you?
249
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How could you eat a perfectly fuckable pig."
250
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[ Laughter ]
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Sayeth the Lord.
252
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Well, it's nice to be in Washington, D.C.,
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where -- I was born here.
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[ Cheering and applause ]
255
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I like it here, 'cause I like any city, I like cities.
256
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I don't like cities that are too advanced.
257
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You know, I was in Zurich.
258
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And they have so much sh-- you know, they're like,
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"Here's the bike, you want a bicycle? It's yours.
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00:13:11,292 --> 00:13:16,042
Just have it, it's nice."
261
00:13:16,042 --> 00:13:20,125
And they have the garbage with the eight fuckin' holes
262
00:13:20,125 --> 00:13:23,125
of different shapes -- it's like an IQ test for a monkey.
263
00:13:23,125 --> 00:13:25,125
I don't know what the fuck.
264
00:13:25,125 --> 00:13:28,292
There's one hole has a picture of a cup, and the next one
265
00:13:28,292 --> 00:13:32,250
is a picture of a cup that's a little different.
266
00:13:32,250 --> 00:13:33,583
I'm standing there with a dead baby,
267
00:13:33,583 --> 00:13:37,458
I don't know where I'm supposed to...
268
00:13:37,458 --> 00:13:38,708
What am I suppose to do with that?
269
00:13:38,708 --> 00:13:40,750
It doesn't go in the newspapers slot,
270
00:13:40,750 --> 00:13:42,292
but otherwise, I don't know.
271
00:13:42,292 --> 00:13:46,667
[ Laughter ]
272
00:13:46,667 --> 00:13:48,625
I like cities, I don't like little places.
273
00:13:48,625 --> 00:13:50,583
When I go to Europe, I go to the big cities.
274
00:13:50,583 --> 00:13:52,500
Everybody tells you, "Don't go to Madrid.
275
00:13:52,500 --> 00:13:54,958
Yeah. Just go to Madrid for like a day.
276
00:13:54,958 --> 00:13:57,667
And then you got to take a train and you have to go to
277
00:13:57,667 --> 00:14:05,458
[ Gibberish ]
278
00:14:05,458 --> 00:14:10,833
It's a beautiful little old village
279
00:14:10,833 --> 00:14:13,083
and you're gonna love it."
280
00:14:13,083 --> 00:14:14,292
Fuck you, you don't know me.
281
00:14:14,292 --> 00:14:16,958
I'm not going to love a village
282
00:14:16,958 --> 00:14:19,500
in Europe
283
00:14:19,500 --> 00:14:24,208
with a bell that goes "pang," like, whenever,
284
00:14:24,208 --> 00:14:26,958
and a dog walking alone.
285
00:14:31,417 --> 00:14:33,708
I don't like cute little places.
286
00:14:33,708 --> 00:14:35,792
I don't like little towns in America either,
287
00:14:35,792 --> 00:14:37,333
with little shops.
288
00:14:37,333 --> 00:14:40,500
"Oh, look at that little shop!
289
00:14:40,500 --> 00:14:44,958
Let's go in that little shop."
290
00:14:44,958 --> 00:14:48,375
Nah, let's get a divorce. Isn't that a better idea?
291
00:14:48,375 --> 00:14:52,542
You go in there, I'll just walk away.
292
00:14:52,542 --> 00:14:55,208
Just tell the kids I was a pilot and I got shot down.
293
00:14:59,542 --> 00:15:00,917
I don't like little shops.
294
00:15:00,917 --> 00:15:03,375
I'm uncomfortable in a little shop.
295
00:15:03,375 --> 00:15:06,625
You go in, it's like, "cli-li-ling-ling,
296
00:15:06,625 --> 00:15:08,500
cli-li-ling."
297
00:15:12,750 --> 00:15:14,208
Now it's just you and her.
298
00:15:19,125 --> 00:15:21,708
You're surrounded by her dream.
299
00:15:26,417 --> 00:15:28,542
And you can't just, "Ugh!" and leave!
300
00:15:28,542 --> 00:15:31,042
Well, you...
301
00:15:31,042 --> 00:15:34,333
She saw you, you have to go all the way in now
302
00:15:34,333 --> 00:15:37,083
and look at all the little crafts that she made.
303
00:15:40,583 --> 00:15:43,792
[ Laughter ]
304
00:15:45,417 --> 00:15:48,042
[ Exasperated sigh ]
305
00:15:52,750 --> 00:15:55,042
You made this? Really?
306
00:15:55,042 --> 00:15:57,708
You made this instead of killing yourself?
307
00:15:57,708 --> 00:16:01,208
[ Laughter ]
308
00:16:08,125 --> 00:16:09,667
I fucking wish I was that mean.
309
00:16:09,667 --> 00:16:11,208
I really do.
310
00:16:11,208 --> 00:16:13,375
All my fantasies are about being mean,
311
00:16:13,375 --> 00:16:15,417
just having the balls
312
00:16:15,417 --> 00:16:17,542
to, like, walk in a little store like that and just go like,
313
00:16:17,542 --> 00:16:19,667
"Oh, I don't like this at all.
314
00:16:19,667 --> 00:16:21,625
I don't like it in here. Unh-uh.
315
00:16:21,625 --> 00:16:23,708
What's your name? Debbie? Fuck you, Debbie.
316
00:16:23,708 --> 00:16:25,375
I don't like your store.
317
00:16:31,167 --> 00:16:33,458
I was in Florida recently, I don't like Florida at all,
318
00:16:33,458 --> 00:16:36,750
it's a shit state full of shit people, that's what I think.
319
00:16:36,750 --> 00:16:39,917
Hate Florida. I hate it. I hate the whole thing.
320
00:16:39,917 --> 00:16:41,667
The whole -- the entire --
321
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:43,292
it looks like -- it doesn't look like a dick.
322
00:16:43,292 --> 00:16:44,958
People say that; it looks like a shit coming out.
323
00:16:44,958 --> 00:16:48,125
If you look at it, it's like America's ass,
324
00:16:48,125 --> 00:16:50,042
and it's a shit that's just --
325
00:16:50,042 --> 00:16:51,750
that you're trying to...
326
00:16:51,750 --> 00:16:53,917
And there's a little -- Cuba's like a little --
327
00:16:53,917 --> 00:16:56,375
Pbbt! That came first.
328
00:16:56,375 --> 00:16:57,958
That's what I think of Florida.
329
00:16:57,958 --> 00:16:59,667
Every time there's a hurricane, I'm like,
330
00:16:59,667 --> 00:17:03,042
"Yeah, get 'em! Get 'em all, Melissa!"
331
00:17:03,042 --> 00:17:06,750
No, I don't mean any of that. I was just funnin'.
332
00:17:06,750 --> 00:17:08,542
Just fun to pretend.
333
00:17:12,042 --> 00:17:14,292
I was in a sushi restaurant in Florida.
334
00:17:14,292 --> 00:17:16,083
And it was empty -- you ever go in a restaurant
335
00:17:16,083 --> 00:17:17,375
and it's open, but it's --
336
00:17:17,375 --> 00:17:19,208
you're literally the only person in there.
337
00:17:19,208 --> 00:17:22,583
You walk in, the staff is like sitting at the tables, you know,
338
00:17:22,583 --> 00:17:24,167
and you walk in, you're like, "Are you open?"
339
00:17:24,167 --> 00:17:27,083
They're like, "Yeah." And you go, "Oh, good."
340
00:17:27,083 --> 00:17:29,542
And you -- and they're like, "Aww, pfft!
341
00:17:29,542 --> 00:17:31,708
We gotta fire up the whole fuckin' restaurant
342
00:17:31,708 --> 00:17:35,083
for this one guy now?"
343
00:17:35,083 --> 00:17:37,667
So I ordered a lot of sushi because I felt bad
344
00:17:37,667 --> 00:17:39,542
for wasting their time, and, um...
345
00:17:39,542 --> 00:17:42,125
And I -- I didn't eat most of it
346
00:17:42,125 --> 00:17:43,708
because I don't like sushi.
347
00:17:43,708 --> 00:17:46,083
And, um -- so the waitress comes over.
348
00:17:46,083 --> 00:17:51,375
She's Japanese and she says, "You no finish?"
349
00:17:51,375 --> 00:17:53,042
Which is what she said. I'm not...
350
00:17:55,750 --> 00:17:58,208
It's just what she said, I can't...
351
00:17:58,208 --> 00:18:01,375
I'm not gonna change what she fucking said.
352
00:18:01,375 --> 00:18:03,083
I'm not gonna lie to ya and say that
353
00:18:03,083 --> 00:18:04,542
she said, "You're not going to finish that,"
354
00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:08,542
because it doesn't happen to be what she said.
355
00:18:08,542 --> 00:18:11,042
And I have to do the accent because it's weird
356
00:18:11,042 --> 00:18:15,375
if I tell you she said, "You no finish?"
357
00:18:15,375 --> 00:18:18,083
So I'm stuck.
358
00:18:18,083 --> 00:18:20,667
I'm just telling you what happened.
359
00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:24,000
She said, "You no finish?"
360
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:26,625
"Whoo, you no finish!"
361
00:18:26,625 --> 00:18:29,208
[ Gibberish ]
362
00:18:29,208 --> 00:18:31,375
That's exactly what she said.
363
00:18:31,375 --> 00:18:34,250
It's a perfect replica.
364
00:18:37,958 --> 00:18:40,625
No, it was subtle.
365
00:18:40,625 --> 00:18:44,667
She said, "You no finish?"
366
00:18:44,667 --> 00:18:49,292
And I said, "No, I no finish."
367
00:18:49,292 --> 00:18:50,667
Because I think that's --
368
00:18:50,667 --> 00:18:52,958
I think it's polite
369
00:18:52,958 --> 00:18:56,042
to repeat people's bad English to them.
370
00:18:56,042 --> 00:18:58,375
Otherwise, you're being a dick, it's like, "You no finish?"
371
00:18:58,375 --> 00:19:00,792
No, I am not going to finish.
372
00:19:00,792 --> 00:19:04,750
[ Laughter ]
373
00:19:04,750 --> 00:19:07,417
You left out a lot of words.
374
00:19:10,833 --> 00:19:13,375
I took the liberty of restoring them.
375
00:19:18,917 --> 00:19:21,917
I was in upstate New York in a small town,
376
00:19:21,917 --> 00:19:25,125
and I was standing in front of a drugstore.
377
00:19:25,125 --> 00:19:26,625
And in the window of the drugstore,
378
00:19:26,625 --> 00:19:30,917
they had a wheelchair on display in the window.
379
00:19:30,917 --> 00:19:34,875
Is that really an impulse purchase?
380
00:19:37,625 --> 00:19:40,250
"Hmm...
381
00:19:40,250 --> 00:19:44,208
I should get a wheelchair.
382
00:19:44,208 --> 00:19:46,875
That would really help
383
00:19:46,875 --> 00:19:51,792
with my paralysis.
384
00:19:51,792 --> 00:19:55,458
Then I wouldn't have to drag myself
385
00:19:55,458 --> 00:19:57,500
everywhere I go
386
00:19:57,500 --> 00:20:00,792
like I've been doing for 10 years
387
00:20:00,792 --> 00:20:03,250
since my legs were blown off
388
00:20:03,250 --> 00:20:05,250
at the marathon."
389
00:20:05,250 --> 00:20:10,208
[ Scattered laughter and groans ]
390
00:20:16,458 --> 00:20:20,292
Okay. Okay.
391
00:20:20,292 --> 00:20:22,875
Bunch of fuckin' hypocrites, apparently,
392
00:20:22,875 --> 00:20:25,375
because let me point somethin' out to you.
393
00:20:25,375 --> 00:20:28,333
Let me point somethin' out to you motherfuckers.
394
00:20:28,333 --> 00:20:30,083
You are just, like, seconds ago,
395
00:20:30,083 --> 00:20:35,417
laughing at a man with no legs crawling on the ground.
396
00:20:35,417 --> 00:20:37,000
You're just -- [ Imitates laughter ]
397
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:40,500
And then at the end, you're like,
398
00:20:40,500 --> 00:20:44,792
"Oh, but not those particular legless people.
399
00:20:44,792 --> 00:20:47,375
No!
400
00:20:47,375 --> 00:20:48,958
We thought you meant just some asshole
401
00:20:48,958 --> 00:20:52,292
with a childhood disease
402
00:20:52,292 --> 00:20:55,250
who deserves to be laughed at.
403
00:20:55,250 --> 00:20:59,208
Not one of those."
404
00:20:59,208 --> 00:21:04,000
No, we're laughing at all legless people equally.
405
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:06,792
However you lost your legs:
406
00:21:06,792 --> 00:21:10,333
Ha-ha-ha,
407
00:21:10,333 --> 00:21:13,292
you haven't legs.
408
00:21:15,750 --> 00:21:18,000
And we've legs.
409
00:21:22,708 --> 00:21:25,292
I have legs -- I have two legs. Two fucking legs --
410
00:21:25,292 --> 00:21:26,833
that's the maximum amount.
411
00:21:26,833 --> 00:21:30,667
Fuckin' love having two legs.
412
00:21:30,667 --> 00:21:32,333
I fucking love it.
413
00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:33,583
I wouldn't like having no legs.
414
00:21:33,583 --> 00:21:35,708
I really don't think I would like it.
415
00:21:35,708 --> 00:21:37,375
I think it would suck.
416
00:21:37,375 --> 00:21:39,375
I think would suck shit out of the balls of Christ.
417
00:21:42,250 --> 00:21:43,958
It's an old Southern expression, it's not....
418
00:21:43,958 --> 00:21:46,750
Used like it used to be.
419
00:21:48,792 --> 00:21:50,458
I think two legs is better than none.
420
00:21:50,458 --> 00:21:51,833
That's what I think.
421
00:21:51,833 --> 00:21:54,333
That's just my opinion. It's not popular.
422
00:21:54,333 --> 00:21:56,042
You're not supposed to say that because you're supposed to
423
00:21:56,042 --> 00:21:59,167
always be very positive about disabled people.
424
00:21:59,167 --> 00:22:02,000
But I think that puts pressure on them to be positive.
425
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:03,542
What if they don't want to be?
426
00:22:03,542 --> 00:22:05,417
Because the only story we want to hear is about
427
00:22:05,417 --> 00:22:08,292
the amazing disabled people -- "He's amazing."
428
00:22:08,292 --> 00:22:11,792
"He lost his legs, then he won the leg having contest."
429
00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:15,292
What about disabled people who aren't amazing,
430
00:22:15,292 --> 00:22:17,125
who are just ordinary with a sweatshirt
431
00:22:17,125 --> 00:22:18,708
and some potato chips, and he's going,
432
00:22:18,708 --> 00:22:20,958
"Fuck, I wish I had legs." "No!
433
00:22:20,958 --> 00:22:23,958
No, this is better! It's better with no legs."
434
00:22:23,958 --> 00:22:26,042
"Why is it better?" Because you can do anything now.
435
00:22:26,042 --> 00:22:28,000
I can do four things. Fuck off.
436
00:22:30,667 --> 00:22:33,458
I just don't know that our positive non-disabled
437
00:22:33,458 --> 00:22:34,792
attitude really helps.
438
00:22:34,792 --> 00:22:36,500
Like retarded people -- let's --
439
00:22:36,500 --> 00:22:39,958
we're gonna talk about retarded people for 20 minutes.
440
00:22:39,958 --> 00:22:42,833
Just -- that's what's gonna happen.
441
00:22:42,833 --> 00:22:46,250
We're going to discuss retarded people
442
00:22:46,250 --> 00:22:48,542
for 20 minutes.
443
00:22:48,542 --> 00:22:51,000
It's not okay to not -- never speak of them.
444
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:53,750
No, we're gonna talk about them.
445
00:22:53,750 --> 00:22:55,292
First of all, I want --
446
00:22:55,292 --> 00:22:56,792
mostly I wanna talk about the word "retarded."
447
00:22:56,792 --> 00:22:59,167
Okay? Because the word retarded, it's a bad word
448
00:22:59,167 --> 00:23:01,375
and people do not like the word retarded,
449
00:23:01,375 --> 00:23:02,708
they find it very offensive.
450
00:23:02,708 --> 00:23:04,333
Now, I'm a little confused by this
451
00:23:04,333 --> 00:23:06,167
because it wasn't always a bad word.
452
00:23:06,167 --> 00:23:08,750
And I grew up in the '70s and it wasn't bad back then.
453
00:23:08,750 --> 00:23:10,917
And you most bad words were always bad, you know.
454
00:23:10,917 --> 00:23:13,000
"Cunt" never had a day in the sun.
455
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:15,333
There was never a...
456
00:23:15,333 --> 00:23:17,458
a time where the Santa Clause of the mall was like,
457
00:23:17,458 --> 00:23:18,833
"C'mere, you little cunt.
458
00:23:18,833 --> 00:23:20,167
Tell me what you want for Christmas."
459
00:23:23,750 --> 00:23:25,292
And then in the '90s, we're like,
460
00:23:25,292 --> 00:23:28,458
"Let's lay off of 'cunt' a little bit there, gang."
461
00:23:29,917 --> 00:23:31,750
No, the word -- we used the word retarded
462
00:23:31,750 --> 00:23:33,083
in the '70s,
463
00:23:33,083 --> 00:23:34,625
we used it to identify
464
00:23:34,625 --> 00:23:37,083
people who were retarded.
465
00:23:37,083 --> 00:23:41,958
[ Laughter ]
466
00:23:41,958 --> 00:23:43,833
It wasn't controversial, it wasn't like --
467
00:23:43,833 --> 00:23:45,292
[ Whispering ] "He's retarded."
468
00:23:45,292 --> 00:23:46,583
It was like, "He is retarded."
469
00:23:50,500 --> 00:23:53,083
This fellow right here
470
00:23:53,083 --> 00:23:54,625
is retarded, right?
471
00:23:54,625 --> 00:23:55,792
I told you, yes, you're still retarded.
472
00:23:55,792 --> 00:23:58,500
He is retarded, everyone.
473
00:23:58,500 --> 00:24:01,208
And I grew up in Boston.
474
00:24:01,208 --> 00:24:03,250
We didn't say "retarded" in Boston.
475
00:24:03,250 --> 00:24:04,500
[ Non-rhotic ] We said "re-tah-ded."
476
00:24:04,500 --> 00:24:07,583
"He's re-tah-ded."
477
00:24:07,583 --> 00:24:11,000
"God bless him, he's fuckin' re-tah-ded."
478
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:14,875
[ Laughter ]
479
00:24:14,875 --> 00:24:16,708
That's the way we used it!
480
00:24:16,708 --> 00:24:19,167
With love: help the retarded.
481
00:24:19,167 --> 00:24:21,292
That's what people said in the '70s.
482
00:24:21,292 --> 00:24:22,917
"Help the retarded."
483
00:24:22,917 --> 00:24:24,833
There was a lady outside the supermarket near my house
484
00:24:24,833 --> 00:24:26,375
every Christmas with a bell, she was like,
485
00:24:26,375 --> 00:24:29,250
"Help the retarded!
486
00:24:29,250 --> 00:24:31,792
Help the fucking retarded!"
487
00:24:34,417 --> 00:24:37,417
You gonna tell me she was a bad person?
488
00:24:37,417 --> 00:24:39,292
She was helpin' the retarded.
489
00:24:41,500 --> 00:24:43,542
And I feel like we had more of them around back then.
490
00:24:43,542 --> 00:24:45,667
I haven't seen one in years.
491
00:24:45,667 --> 00:24:48,500
In the '70s, there was a retarded guy in a windbreaker
492
00:24:48,500 --> 00:24:50,625
on every street corner.
493
00:24:53,667 --> 00:24:56,583
They -- we were using the word and they were more in our lives.
494
00:24:56,583 --> 00:24:58,583
I swear to God, they were more.
495
00:24:58,583 --> 00:25:00,583
They were in our culture.
496
00:25:00,583 --> 00:25:03,458
There was TV movies about retarded people all the time.
497
00:25:03,458 --> 00:25:08,208
"Tonight on ABC, 'A Retarded Boy's Dream'."
498
00:25:08,208 --> 00:25:09,917
There was one I remember with Shaun Cassidy,
499
00:25:09,917 --> 00:25:11,792
I don't know if you remember Shaun Cassidy,
500
00:25:11,792 --> 00:25:14,042
some of you are too young, but Shaun Cassidy,
501
00:25:14,042 --> 00:25:17,000
he began his career as a teen pop idol.
502
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:19,708
He was a 13 year old boy with a very hit song
503
00:25:19,708 --> 00:25:21,667
called "Da Doo Ron Ron."
504
00:25:21,667 --> 00:25:26,417
And he had feathered blond hair and juicy lips.
505
00:25:26,417 --> 00:25:30,250
He was on the cover of Teen Beat magazine, like...
506
00:25:30,250 --> 00:25:31,833
And everybody likes Shaun Cassidy
507
00:25:31,833 --> 00:25:33,208
'cause he was sexy.
508
00:25:33,208 --> 00:25:34,250
Was a sexy boy.
509
00:25:34,250 --> 00:25:36,083
I thought he was sexy.
510
00:25:36,083 --> 00:25:37,417
I -- I thought he was really sexy.
511
00:25:37,417 --> 00:25:39,583
I was six years old,
512
00:25:39,583 --> 00:25:41,542
but I already had inappropriate sex feelings
513
00:25:41,542 --> 00:25:44,750
for teenage boys when I was six.
514
00:25:44,750 --> 00:25:47,125
I was an old soul.
515
00:25:47,125 --> 00:25:50,958
I was -- [ Laughter ]
516
00:25:50,958 --> 00:25:53,333
I was a pedophile when I was six.
517
00:25:55,500 --> 00:25:57,375
I used to go up to teenage boys when I was six,
518
00:25:57,375 --> 00:26:00,583
I was like, "Hey, how's it going?"
519
00:26:00,583 --> 00:26:02,917
That kid's weird, he's got a boner.
520
00:26:05,625 --> 00:26:07,125
Anyway..
521
00:26:07,125 --> 00:26:09,625
Not anymore, I outgrew it,
522
00:26:09,625 --> 00:26:11,833
but, uh...
523
00:26:11,833 --> 00:26:13,625
No.
524
00:26:13,625 --> 00:26:17,417
I'm not -- I'm not sexually attracted to teenage boys.
525
00:26:17,417 --> 00:26:20,250
I'm not. I'm not.
526
00:26:20,250 --> 00:26:23,125
But I don't not get it. I mean, I --
527
00:26:23,125 --> 00:26:25,750
I get it.
528
00:26:25,750 --> 00:26:30,125
I'm not like, "What?!" Like...
529
00:26:30,125 --> 00:26:33,333
You can see it.
530
00:26:33,333 --> 00:26:35,083
Like, I was in an airport once
531
00:26:35,083 --> 00:26:37,625
and I'm walking along where people walk in the airport,
532
00:26:37,625 --> 00:26:40,125
and there was these chairs facing the aisle,
533
00:26:40,125 --> 00:26:41,583
and there is this family sitting there,
534
00:26:41,583 --> 00:26:44,292
a mom and a dad and two teenage boys.
535
00:26:44,292 --> 00:26:46,292
And they're, like, just both sitting with their phones
536
00:26:46,292 --> 00:26:47,833
with their legs -- they were wearing, like,
537
00:26:47,833 --> 00:26:49,833
these shorts -- one had cutoff shorts
538
00:26:49,833 --> 00:26:51,833
and one had basketball shorts.
539
00:26:51,833 --> 00:26:53,167
And they both just had their legs open
540
00:26:53,167 --> 00:26:54,292
'cause they don't give a fuck,
541
00:26:54,292 --> 00:26:57,208
both legs just splayed.
542
00:26:57,208 --> 00:26:59,167
And then just this -- just smooth.
543
00:26:59,167 --> 00:27:02,125
You know, just very...
544
00:27:02,125 --> 00:27:05,708
And I saw it.
545
00:27:05,708 --> 00:27:09,250
Didn't give me a -- didn't do anything to me,
546
00:27:09,250 --> 00:27:11,417
but I kind of wanted to stop and go,
547
00:27:11,417 --> 00:27:14,417
"Hey, fellows, let's -- let's close that shit up, huh?
548
00:27:14,417 --> 00:27:15,917
You're not getting me, but I know you're causing
549
00:27:15,917 --> 00:27:19,500
a problem for somebody in this airport.
550
00:27:19,500 --> 00:27:21,083
Let's close it up."
551
00:27:23,917 --> 00:27:25,833
I did not say that...
552
00:27:25,833 --> 00:27:27,583
Otherwise I wouldn't be here.
553
00:27:32,125 --> 00:27:34,375
Anyway, let's return to the comfortable subject
554
00:27:34,375 --> 00:27:36,167
of retarded people, shall we?
555
00:27:36,167 --> 00:27:39,583
[ Laughter ]
556
00:27:40,708 --> 00:27:44,292
So Shaun Cassidy: Shaun Cassidy was a teen singer
557
00:27:44,292 --> 00:27:46,625
who then grew up -- he was about 18 --
558
00:27:46,625 --> 00:27:49,625
he was, you know, old and gross. nobody wanted to fuck him.
559
00:27:49,625 --> 00:27:52,625
So he started to act, and he had
560
00:27:52,625 --> 00:27:55,833
a movie on TV called "Normal People,"
561
00:27:55,833 --> 00:27:57,250
where he played a retarded man
562
00:27:57,250 --> 00:27:58,917
who wants to live a normal life --
563
00:27:58,917 --> 00:28:00,375
it was very inspiring, actually.
564
00:28:00,375 --> 00:28:01,833
And at one point he goes to --
565
00:28:01,833 --> 00:28:03,750
he didn't do, like, a big retarded character.
566
00:28:03,750 --> 00:28:05,750
He wore thick glasses, he talked like Elmer Fudd.
567
00:28:05,750 --> 00:28:07,375
That was the whole thing.
568
00:28:07,375 --> 00:28:09,458
So he goes up to the guy who runs the group home
569
00:28:09,458 --> 00:28:12,083
he lives in and he says, "I want to get a job."
570
00:28:12,083 --> 00:28:14,208
And the guys who runs it is like,
571
00:28:14,208 --> 00:28:15,958
you know, Republican, conservative.
572
00:28:15,958 --> 00:28:17,917
So he's like, "You can get a job,
573
00:28:17,917 --> 00:28:20,458
you're retarded!" You know.
574
00:28:24,042 --> 00:28:26,417
But -- but then there's a liberal lady who works there
575
00:28:26,417 --> 00:28:30,167
and she says, "Of course he can get a job.
576
00:28:30,167 --> 00:28:32,917
He's as good as anyone!"
577
00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:36,750
So they let him get a job
578
00:28:36,750 --> 00:28:38,250
as an air traffic controller
579
00:28:38,250 --> 00:28:39,875
or whatever was available.
580
00:28:39,875 --> 00:28:42,125
And then...
581
00:28:45,042 --> 00:28:46,583
He meets a woman who's also retarded,
582
00:28:46,583 --> 00:28:48,292
who lives at the group home.
583
00:28:48,292 --> 00:28:50,250
He falls in love with her. It's a very nice love story.
584
00:28:50,250 --> 00:28:52,667
And he says, "We want to get married."
585
00:28:52,667 --> 00:28:55,417
And the guy says, "Brr!"
586
00:28:55,417 --> 00:28:57,833
She says, "But they're in love!"
587
00:28:57,833 --> 00:28:59,458
So they get married.
588
00:28:59,458 --> 00:29:02,708
And then one day he says, "We want to have a baby."
589
00:29:02,708 --> 00:29:03,792
And the liberal lady says,
590
00:29:03,792 --> 00:29:05,792
"No fucking way."
591
00:29:08,083 --> 00:29:11,125
And they just shut them down right there.
592
00:29:11,125 --> 00:29:13,042
And that's the end of the movie.
593
00:29:13,042 --> 00:29:16,875
I swear to God, that's just how it ends.
594
00:29:16,875 --> 00:29:18,958
And the point of the movie is just, you know,
595
00:29:18,958 --> 00:29:20,792
hey, there's a limit -- like, that's, I guess,
596
00:29:20,792 --> 00:29:24,083
what the point of it was.
597
00:29:24,083 --> 00:29:26,583
And that's pretty intense.
598
00:29:26,583 --> 00:29:28,833
But, hey, retarded people were on television,
599
00:29:28,833 --> 00:29:31,042
we were talking about it, we were dealing with it --
600
00:29:31,042 --> 00:29:34,583
and they said the word retarded about 50,000 times in the movie.
601
00:29:34,583 --> 00:29:36,792
Now, we don't say the word and I don't see 'em anywhere.
602
00:29:36,792 --> 00:29:38,292
I guess that's my problem with it.
603
00:29:38,292 --> 00:29:41,583
And also, the word is not basically a bad word.
604
00:29:41,583 --> 00:29:45,500
It's a medical term, but it became a bad word
605
00:29:45,500 --> 00:29:48,000
because it's used as an insult, really --
606
00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:49,792
not towards retarded people.
607
00:29:49,792 --> 00:29:51,917
Nobody does that.
608
00:29:51,917 --> 00:29:55,042
Nobody calls retarded people retarded to insult them.
609
00:29:55,042 --> 00:29:57,750
What would be the point of that?
610
00:29:57,750 --> 00:29:59,208
That would be like going up to a chair
611
00:29:59,208 --> 00:30:00,958
and saying, "You're fuckin chair!"
612
00:30:00,958 --> 00:30:04,542
Like, what are you doing?
613
00:30:04,542 --> 00:30:06,042
No.
614
00:30:06,042 --> 00:30:07,500
People use it on their friends,
615
00:30:07,500 --> 00:30:08,875
like, you're at a bar, your friend's like,
616
00:30:08,875 --> 00:30:11,250
"I don't have any more money for beer,"
617
00:30:11,250 --> 00:30:15,833
and you're like, "You're fucking retarded, you know that?"
618
00:30:15,833 --> 00:30:18,792
And in that moment, no one retarded is insulted.
619
00:30:18,792 --> 00:30:22,458
They're not. Do you know why? Because they're not there!
620
00:30:22,458 --> 00:30:25,083
'Cause we don't include them in our lives.
621
00:30:25,083 --> 00:30:26,875
They're not at the bar --
622
00:30:26,875 --> 00:30:29,042
How many of you have a retarded drinking buddy
623
00:30:29,042 --> 00:30:30,667
that you hang out with?
624
00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:35,250
No, you take 'em to the zoo when they're little him
625
00:30:35,250 --> 00:30:36,833
and then fuck 'em.
626
00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:43,458
This is what I find confusing about this thing,
627
00:30:43,458 --> 00:30:46,042
is that we told many generations of people
628
00:30:46,042 --> 00:30:47,833
that they are retarded.
629
00:30:47,833 --> 00:30:49,583
We told them that that's what they are and they lived with it,
630
00:30:49,583 --> 00:30:52,125
and they dealt with it, and then we just decided it's a bad word.
631
00:30:52,125 --> 00:30:54,875
So did we tell them this?
632
00:30:54,875 --> 00:30:57,875
Did we go back to them and explain this to them?
633
00:30:57,875 --> 00:31:00,208
"Listen, Nelson, I have somethin' to tell you,
634
00:31:00,208 --> 00:31:03,750
you're not retarded anymore."
635
00:31:03,750 --> 00:31:05,417
"You mean I'm cured?"
636
00:31:05,417 --> 00:31:09,625
[ Laughing ] "No! No, no.
637
00:31:09,625 --> 00:31:12,417
Nah, we're not even working on it."
638
00:31:25,583 --> 00:31:29,042
[ Sighs ]
639
00:31:29,042 --> 00:31:30,875
Anyway, I've been traveling.
640
00:31:30,875 --> 00:31:33,042
[ Laughter ]
641
00:31:35,583 --> 00:31:37,167
I went to France last year
642
00:31:37,167 --> 00:31:38,833
because I thought I should leave the nation --
643
00:31:38,833 --> 00:31:41,292
felt like a good idea.
644
00:31:41,292 --> 00:31:43,292
Would have left the planet if they had another one of those.
645
00:31:43,292 --> 00:31:44,833
But...
646
00:31:44,833 --> 00:31:46,500
When I went to France, I had a great time.
647
00:31:46,500 --> 00:31:48,500
I fell in love. I met a woman. I fell in love in France.
648
00:31:48,500 --> 00:31:49,875
And we've been together since then.
649
00:31:49,875 --> 00:31:52,333
It's been nice. [ Cheering and applause ]
650
00:31:52,333 --> 00:31:54,167
Yeah, okay, it's nice having a girlfriend
651
00:31:54,167 --> 00:31:56,333
from another country because you learn a lot about that country.
652
00:31:56,333 --> 00:31:57,875
I learn a lot about France from being with her.
653
00:31:57,875 --> 00:31:59,708
I never knew these things about -- like, one time
654
00:31:59,708 --> 00:32:01,833
she was sick, and I was taking care of her,
655
00:32:01,833 --> 00:32:03,208
so I gave her -- she had a fever.
656
00:32:03,208 --> 00:32:04,625
I gave her a thermometer
657
00:32:04,625 --> 00:32:06,500
and she put it in her asshole.
658
00:32:06,500 --> 00:32:08,875
[ Laughter ]
659
00:32:11,625 --> 00:32:14,667
Never seen that before; turns out the whole country,
660
00:32:14,667 --> 00:32:20,375
all of France, puts thermometers in their assholes.
661
00:32:20,375 --> 00:32:23,375
And they don't put their eggs in the fridge.
662
00:32:23,375 --> 00:32:26,375
They have no respect for temperature in either direction.
663
00:32:30,042 --> 00:32:31,417
I'd never -- I was like,
664
00:32:31,417 --> 00:32:33,667
why are you putting it in your asshole?
665
00:32:33,667 --> 00:32:35,208
She said, "You don't do this?
666
00:32:35,208 --> 00:32:40,792
You don't put here in America?"
667
00:32:40,792 --> 00:32:44,083
I said, "No, we don't put a glass thermometer
668
00:32:44,083 --> 00:32:47,417
filled with mercury in our anuses...
669
00:32:47,417 --> 00:32:49,208
You fucking savage."
670
00:32:53,042 --> 00:32:56,542
Well, we do it to babies and dogs
671
00:32:56,542 --> 00:33:00,042
'cause they can't talk.
672
00:33:00,042 --> 00:33:01,750
Every American baby's first words is,
673
00:33:01,750 --> 00:33:03,917
"Get that fucking thing out of my asshole."
674
00:33:07,292 --> 00:33:10,000
You ever take your dog's temperature?
675
00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:12,333
You have to hold your dog's ass still,
676
00:33:12,333 --> 00:33:14,833
and then you slip it in there
677
00:33:14,833 --> 00:33:18,375
and your dog looks to you like, "Why would you do that?!
678
00:33:18,375 --> 00:33:20,375
Why would you do that to me?!"
679
00:33:23,750 --> 00:33:27,625
And you're like, "I could never explain it to you,
680
00:33:27,625 --> 00:33:29,833
but I need to hold it here for 60 seconds."
681
00:33:35,125 --> 00:33:36,333
Dogs are so dumb,
682
00:33:36,333 --> 00:33:38,792
it's fucking tragic.
683
00:33:38,792 --> 00:33:41,167
It's sad how dumb they are.
684
00:33:41,167 --> 00:33:44,042
They're in our lives and they know nothing
685
00:33:44,042 --> 00:33:46,625
about what's happening.
686
00:33:46,625 --> 00:33:47,875
You ever been having, like,
687
00:33:47,875 --> 00:33:49,375
a dramatic moment in your family,
688
00:33:49,375 --> 00:33:51,292
like, you're in the living room telling the kids
689
00:33:51,292 --> 00:33:54,042
that grandma died, and everybody's crying,
690
00:33:54,042 --> 00:33:55,458
and the dog's sitting there like...
691
00:33:58,542 --> 00:34:02,042
[ Chuckling ]
692
00:34:02,042 --> 00:34:06,083
"I know you! Ha!"
693
00:34:06,083 --> 00:34:07,958
They're so stupid!
694
00:34:07,958 --> 00:34:10,750
Incredibly stupid animals.
695
00:34:10,750 --> 00:34:12,250
They don't even know their own lives, they don't even --
696
00:34:12,250 --> 00:34:15,042
they can't even handle their own lives mentally.
697
00:34:15,042 --> 00:34:17,208
You ever throw a ball for your dog
698
00:34:17,208 --> 00:34:18,958
and your dog gets the ball and brings it,
699
00:34:18,958 --> 00:34:20,000
and then you throw the ball again,
700
00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:21,458
and the dog brings it.
701
00:34:21,458 --> 00:34:22,667
And then one of the times you throw the ball,
702
00:34:22,667 --> 00:34:24,500
the dog looks at you like,
703
00:34:24,500 --> 00:34:26,500
"I didn't see what happened.
704
00:34:26,500 --> 00:34:29,458
I'm sorry, I...
705
00:34:29,458 --> 00:34:33,083
I don't know anything now. Please help."
706
00:34:33,083 --> 00:34:35,333
So you point at the ball, "There it is, right there.
707
00:34:35,333 --> 00:34:36,667
It's right there."
708
00:34:36,667 --> 00:34:39,208
And the dog just looks at your finger
709
00:34:39,208 --> 00:34:43,167
'cause there's just no way he's gonna get this concept
710
00:34:43,167 --> 00:34:45,458
that there's an invisible line...
711
00:34:47,917 --> 00:34:50,875
...that he can follow with his imagination.
712
00:34:54,792 --> 00:34:56,208
I have a great dog.
713
00:34:56,208 --> 00:34:57,625
I've got a dog last year. She's a great dog.
714
00:34:57,625 --> 00:34:59,458
I did not adopt her, I'll be honest with you.
715
00:34:59,458 --> 00:35:01,167
I bought her with money.
716
00:35:01,167 --> 00:35:03,458
That's the truth.
717
00:35:03,458 --> 00:35:05,417
People always ask me when I walk my dog in New York,
718
00:35:05,417 --> 00:35:07,125
"That's a beautiful dog. Is she a rescue?"
719
00:35:07,125 --> 00:35:08,375
I'm like, "No, she's very expensive.
720
00:35:08,375 --> 00:35:09,958
Please don't touch her."
721
00:35:09,958 --> 00:35:13,125
[ Laughter ]
722
00:35:13,125 --> 00:35:15,417
I did rescue a dog last year,
723
00:35:15,417 --> 00:35:18,792
and it bit everyone in my life,
724
00:35:18,792 --> 00:35:21,333
so I un-rescued it,
725
00:35:21,333 --> 00:35:23,375
and I bought a dog that works.
726
00:35:27,583 --> 00:35:29,542
In New York, everybody rescues their dogs,
727
00:35:29,542 --> 00:35:33,875
like, "I rescued this dog. I rescued her.
728
00:35:33,875 --> 00:35:36,917
She has no eyes
729
00:35:36,917 --> 00:35:40,083
and she's dead.
730
00:35:42,208 --> 00:35:44,208
I hate New York, I really do -- I used to love New York,
731
00:35:44,208 --> 00:35:45,750
but I hate it now, I really --
732
00:35:45,750 --> 00:35:47,292
I'd rather be in Auschwitz than in New York City.
733
00:35:47,292 --> 00:35:49,000
Honestly, I would.
734
00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:51,542
I mean -- I mean Auschwitz now.
735
00:35:51,542 --> 00:35:53,792
I mean, today Auschwitz.
736
00:35:53,792 --> 00:35:56,208
Not back when it was open.
737
00:35:56,208 --> 00:35:58,917
I mean, now -- it's nice now.
738
00:35:58,917 --> 00:36:01,125
There's a gift shop.
739
00:36:01,125 --> 00:36:02,792
People go there on purpose.
740
00:36:02,792 --> 00:36:04,542
They buy tickets.
741
00:36:04,542 --> 00:36:06,208
I think that's weird...
742
00:36:06,208 --> 00:36:08,750
That people buy tickets to Auschwitz.
743
00:36:08,750 --> 00:36:10,208
That's weird.
744
00:36:10,208 --> 00:36:12,208
If you could have told those people back then,
745
00:36:12,208 --> 00:36:14,458
"People are going to buy tickets to come here.
746
00:36:20,000 --> 00:36:23,417
Wrap your head around that.
747
00:36:23,417 --> 00:36:25,750
Jew."
748
00:36:25,750 --> 00:36:27,542
That's -- All right. I'm sorry.
749
00:36:27,542 --> 00:36:30,375
I'm sorry, never again, I promise.
750
00:36:33,125 --> 00:36:35,208
That's what we say about the Holocaust: Never again,
751
00:36:35,208 --> 00:36:37,000
'cause they killed six million Jews.
752
00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:38,583
If they only killed, like, 10,000,
753
00:36:38,583 --> 00:36:41,792
would it be like, "Okay, two more times,
754
00:36:41,792 --> 00:36:47,042
and then taper off because it's a little much."
755
00:36:47,042 --> 00:36:48,625
I'll tell you, I went to Auschwitz --
756
00:36:48,625 --> 00:36:50,208
this is a true story, I actually did go to Auschwitz
757
00:36:50,208 --> 00:36:53,417
because I was doing shows in Poland
758
00:36:53,417 --> 00:36:56,625
because I had to go to Poland to do shows.
759
00:36:56,625 --> 00:36:57,833
So...
760
00:36:57,833 --> 00:37:02,542
[ Laughter and applause ] So...
761
00:37:02,542 --> 00:37:04,667
I was in Krakow.
762
00:37:04,667 --> 00:37:06,292
I was in Krakow, so I went to the camp,
763
00:37:06,292 --> 00:37:08,042
and I went there because of a very personal reason --
764
00:37:08,042 --> 00:37:10,708
because I had family there, I had a lot of family there.
765
00:37:10,708 --> 00:37:12,500
Forty-four members of my family were in Auschwitz
766
00:37:12,500 --> 00:37:14,125
during World War II.
767
00:37:14,125 --> 00:37:16,875
I mean, they were guards, they worked there.
768
00:37:16,875 --> 00:37:18,667
No, no, no, no. They were Jews and they died.
769
00:37:18,667 --> 00:37:20,583
It's okay. Don't be offended.
770
00:37:20,583 --> 00:37:23,083
It's true.
771
00:37:23,083 --> 00:37:25,083
We lost the whole family there, everybody --
772
00:37:25,083 --> 00:37:26,833
the whole -- because we were Hungarian Jews.
773
00:37:26,833 --> 00:37:29,708
My grandfather on my father's side,
774
00:37:29,708 --> 00:37:32,375
he's the only one who made it; the rest them, all 44 of them,
775
00:37:32,375 --> 00:37:36,208
went to Auschwitz, which I think they really regretted.
776
00:37:36,208 --> 00:37:37,875
But that's -- that's what happened,
777
00:37:37,875 --> 00:37:40,208
because the Hungarians sent all their Jews to --
778
00:37:40,208 --> 00:37:41,833
They didn't -- they weren't even occupied, Hungary,
779
00:37:41,833 --> 00:37:44,667
they're just like, "Yeah, take -- take our Jews."
780
00:37:44,667 --> 00:37:46,042
And they sent my whole family there.
781
00:37:46,042 --> 00:37:47,375
And they were all -- died in Auschwitz,
782
00:37:47,375 --> 00:37:48,833
all except for him.
783
00:37:48,833 --> 00:37:50,542
My grandfather's the only one who made it.
784
00:37:50,542 --> 00:37:52,708
Because he got the fuck out of there
785
00:37:52,708 --> 00:37:55,083
before it started -- in the late '20s,
786
00:37:55,083 --> 00:37:58,625
he fucking smelled that shit and he got the fuck out.
787
00:37:58,625 --> 00:38:01,083
And he went to Mexico. He migrated to Mexico.
788
00:38:01,083 --> 00:38:02,750
And we found his immigration card.
789
00:38:02,750 --> 00:38:05,083
My uncle and I did the family history and we found it.
790
00:38:05,083 --> 00:38:06,792
It says, "Nationality: Hungarian,"
791
00:38:06,792 --> 00:38:10,292
and it says, "Religion: Catholic."
792
00:38:10,292 --> 00:38:12,042
And there's a picture of him like.
793
00:38:12,042 --> 00:38:15,458
[ Laughter ]
794
00:38:15,458 --> 00:38:17,583
He's like, "Fuck it, they don't know what a Jew looks like
795
00:38:17,583 --> 00:38:21,625
in Mexico -- that's where I'm going!"
796
00:38:21,625 --> 00:38:23,375
And that's why I'm alive, because he made that choice.
797
00:38:23,375 --> 00:38:25,542
It's also why I'm not Jewish,
798
00:38:25,542 --> 00:38:28,833
'cause he was like, "Jew-schmoo, we're not fucking Jewish.
799
00:38:28,833 --> 00:38:31,958
We are Catholic. "
800
00:38:31,958 --> 00:38:35,875
That was my abuelito.
801
00:38:35,875 --> 00:38:37,625
Became a fuckin' Mexican fast.
802
00:38:37,625 --> 00:38:40,292
That's what happened, that's how he made it.
803
00:38:40,292 --> 00:38:42,292
Was a fascinating guy, my grandfather.
804
00:38:42,292 --> 00:38:44,792
His name was Geza. That was his name.
805
00:38:44,792 --> 00:38:49,833
And he had a brother named Geza.
806
00:38:49,833 --> 00:38:52,625
It's weird, but I looked it up, and here's what happened:
807
00:38:52,625 --> 00:38:55,625
His parents had a baby and they named it Geza,
808
00:38:55,625 --> 00:38:57,250
and it died -- the baby died.
809
00:38:57,250 --> 00:38:59,708
So they had another one and they just said,
810
00:38:59,708 --> 00:39:01,250
"Fuck it, Geza, just do it again,"
811
00:39:01,250 --> 00:39:02,875
because that's what it was like.
812
00:39:02,875 --> 00:39:05,208
Babies died, it was no big deal back then.
813
00:39:05,208 --> 00:39:06,750
It was just like, "Yeah, that was a shitty baby.
814
00:39:06,750 --> 00:39:09,667
Let's do another one."
815
00:39:09,667 --> 00:39:12,042
"Why'd your baby die?" "Because it sucked --
816
00:39:12,042 --> 00:39:14,125
Why does any baby die? At least we found out quick.
817
00:39:14,125 --> 00:39:17,292
Fuck it. This one's good."
818
00:39:17,292 --> 00:39:19,750
That's what it was like forever until recently.
819
00:39:19,750 --> 00:39:22,208
The human race was all the good babies
820
00:39:22,208 --> 00:39:25,417
and the shitty ones, pbbt! That's just the way it worked.
821
00:39:25,417 --> 00:39:26,833
It's not like that now.
822
00:39:26,833 --> 00:39:29,583
Now we save every baby.
823
00:39:29,583 --> 00:39:32,542
The shittier the baby, the bigger the effort.
824
00:39:32,542 --> 00:39:36,000
Because we love it, we love saving the shitty babies.
825
00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:38,042
There's always a documentary, "Look at this baby.
826
00:39:38,042 --> 00:39:40,875
He's a fucking mess. Do you see that shit?
827
00:39:40,875 --> 00:39:45,042
We're gonna save it, make it live."
828
00:39:45,042 --> 00:39:47,458
And the baby's like, "Please don't!"
829
00:39:52,042 --> 00:39:53,875
But we'd rather -- we don't like when babies die,
830
00:39:53,875 --> 00:39:55,458
we get more upset when a baby dies.
831
00:39:55,458 --> 00:39:57,917
Who knows this baby?
832
00:39:57,917 --> 00:39:59,875
"Did you hear about Jeff?"
833
00:39:59,875 --> 00:40:02,250
No, he was here for one day. Nobody met him.
834
00:40:05,833 --> 00:40:07,792
And then if you die when you're old, nobody gives a shit.
835
00:40:07,792 --> 00:40:11,542
They're lie, "Eh, he was here long enough, fuck 'em."
836
00:40:11,542 --> 00:40:13,125
You ever tell somebody, like, your grandmother di--
837
00:40:13,125 --> 00:40:14,750
"My grandmother died."
838
00:40:14,750 --> 00:40:16,083
They're like, "I'm so sorry. How old was she?"
839
00:40:16,083 --> 00:40:19,042
"She was 98." "Oh.
840
00:40:20,625 --> 00:40:23,042
So why'd you even tell me?"
841
00:40:26,833 --> 00:40:30,667
I'm 52 and I like my 50s, I like this part of my life.
842
00:40:30,667 --> 00:40:32,667
It's my favorite so far. I'll tell you why.
843
00:40:32,667 --> 00:40:35,333
Because I can still move around pretty good.
844
00:40:35,333 --> 00:40:37,083
And I don't have long to live.
845
00:40:39,458 --> 00:40:41,542
I view that as a positive.
846
00:40:41,542 --> 00:40:43,292
Because life is a lot of pressure.
847
00:40:43,292 --> 00:40:44,708
The more life you have ahead of you,
848
00:40:44,708 --> 00:40:46,042
the more problems you have.
849
00:40:46,042 --> 00:40:47,083
Like, if you're 20,
850
00:40:47,083 --> 00:40:49,333
you might have 70 years
851
00:40:49,333 --> 00:40:53,125
to try not to be homeless or alone during.
852
00:40:53,125 --> 00:40:54,958
But I can -- I got maybe 24 years left.
853
00:40:54,958 --> 00:40:57,042
I can handle that, like, that's an amount of time,
854
00:40:57,042 --> 00:40:58,458
like, "Oh, yeah, I can fucking do that.
855
00:40:58,458 --> 00:41:00,042
I can cover 24 years."
856
00:41:00,042 --> 00:41:03,542
And it gets easier every year less that I have.
857
00:41:03,542 --> 00:41:05,250
Like, I bought a winter coat the other day
858
00:41:05,250 --> 00:41:06,708
I was like, "This is my last coat.
859
00:41:06,708 --> 00:41:09,167
I don't need a bunch of these.
860
00:41:09,167 --> 00:41:10,667
Gets easier.
861
00:41:13,917 --> 00:41:15,542
I used to -- I used to think I have to --
862
00:41:15,542 --> 00:41:17,917
I need to find a woman who will be with me forever.
863
00:41:17,917 --> 00:41:20,833
I need string of girlfriends at this point.
864
00:41:20,833 --> 00:41:22,208
Just a few more girl--
865
00:41:22,208 --> 00:41:24,500
I need three women in their 40s
866
00:41:24,500 --> 00:41:27,125
to get me through my 50s,
867
00:41:27,125 --> 00:41:31,042
and two in their 50s to get me through my 60s.
868
00:41:31,042 --> 00:41:32,958
And then when I'm 75,
869
00:41:32,958 --> 00:41:34,750
21 years old.
870
00:41:34,750 --> 00:41:36,583
That's when I'm doing that.
871
00:41:36,583 --> 00:41:40,083
Twenty one, she gets the rest of my money.
872
00:41:40,083 --> 00:41:42,625
Just blow me to my grave and keep the change.
873
00:41:42,625 --> 00:41:46,500
[ Laughter ]
874
00:41:46,500 --> 00:41:49,250
That's the offer on the table
875
00:41:49,250 --> 00:41:51,833
for anybody who's 21 when I'm 75.
876
00:41:51,833 --> 00:41:54,417
She hasn't been born yet, but we'll see with the...
877
00:41:54,417 --> 00:41:56,667
we'll see what the new crop brings.
878
00:42:01,542 --> 00:42:04,333
My French girlfriend, she's 42, which is perfect.
879
00:42:04,333 --> 00:42:06,708
She's pornographically hot,
880
00:42:06,708 --> 00:42:10,167
but she's willing to fuck this mess.
881
00:42:10,167 --> 00:42:12,208
Because you -- really you have to be over 40
882
00:42:12,208 --> 00:42:14,833
to have the compassion
883
00:42:14,833 --> 00:42:17,083
and the sense of humor
884
00:42:17,083 --> 00:42:19,875
to fuck around...
885
00:42:19,875 --> 00:42:21,583
She likes to be on top, which I think is,
886
00:42:21,583 --> 00:42:23,417
that's 'cause that's the best that I ever look
887
00:42:23,417 --> 00:42:26,125
is laying on my back
888
00:42:26,125 --> 00:42:29,333
because you just -- all the skin lays where it belongs.
889
00:42:29,333 --> 00:42:31,958
Like it just drapes nicely.
890
00:42:31,958 --> 00:42:36,000
I like about 49 and a half when I'm on my back.
891
00:42:36,000 --> 00:42:39,000
And if I get on top of her, I just -- it comes off.
892
00:42:39,000 --> 00:42:42,083
It comes away from the bone like barbecued pork.
893
00:42:44,458 --> 00:42:47,500
And this shit, when you hang this,
894
00:42:47,500 --> 00:42:50,250
it's all red and bumpy. It's like the roof of a cave.
895
00:42:50,250 --> 00:42:52,708
It's a nightmare.
896
00:42:52,708 --> 00:42:55,250
And my tits are like flappy triangles
897
00:42:55,250 --> 00:42:57,958
with red tips.
898
00:42:57,958 --> 00:43:00,667
They look like candy corn that somebody stepped on.
899
00:43:10,833 --> 00:43:12,792
But it's nice, uh...
900
00:43:12,792 --> 00:43:14,875
nice having a girlfriend, it's better than being married
901
00:43:14,875 --> 00:43:15,958
because, you know, with a girlfriend
902
00:43:15,958 --> 00:43:19,500
you can switch, and, uh...
903
00:43:19,500 --> 00:43:21,417
Marriage is -- fuck, that's hard.
904
00:43:21,417 --> 00:43:24,167
I feel bad for people that are in bad marriages.
905
00:43:24,167 --> 00:43:25,708
That's -- if you're in a bad marriage, by the way,
906
00:43:25,708 --> 00:43:27,167
you know what you should do? Just at stay home.
907
00:43:27,167 --> 00:43:29,042
Don't make people -- just self-quarantine.
908
00:43:29,042 --> 00:43:32,333
Don't make people fucking look at you.
909
00:43:32,333 --> 00:43:34,167
You know, those couples that come over for dinner
910
00:43:34,167 --> 00:43:35,875
and they're holding a gun to each other's heads like,
911
00:43:35,875 --> 00:43:37,833
"Hi, thanks for having us."
912
00:43:37,833 --> 00:43:40,208
Fuck.
913
00:43:40,208 --> 00:43:42,667
There's always that awful moment at dinner.
914
00:43:42,667 --> 00:43:44,833
One of them's like, "We saw that show on Wednesday."
915
00:43:44,833 --> 00:43:47,625
The other one's like, "It wasn't Wednesday."
916
00:43:50,500 --> 00:43:53,083
We're going to fucking puke because of your life.
917
00:43:53,083 --> 00:43:56,250
Oh, that's bad.
918
00:43:56,250 --> 00:44:00,667
I was on an airplane one time and a married couple came on
919
00:44:00,667 --> 00:44:02,250
and they had been sat separately.
920
00:44:02,250 --> 00:44:03,458
There was some mistake.
921
00:44:03,458 --> 00:44:05,250
So they're trying to figure it out.
922
00:44:05,250 --> 00:44:07,458
And the woman, she's supposed to sit here, she comes up to me.
923
00:44:07,458 --> 00:44:11,750
She says, "Would you mind moving so I can sit with my husband?"
924
00:44:11,750 --> 00:44:13,333
And he's behind her. He's like...
925
00:44:19,542 --> 00:44:21,708
And I wanted to help them,
926
00:44:21,708 --> 00:44:23,375
but what am I going to say to his wife?
927
00:44:23,375 --> 00:44:24,708
Just, "No, I won't move."
928
00:44:24,708 --> 00:44:27,000
Then I have to sit with her.
929
00:44:27,000 --> 00:44:29,958
So I just got off the plane. I didn't go on the trip.
930
00:44:29,958 --> 00:44:32,333
I got off the plane and it took off
931
00:44:32,333 --> 00:44:33,875
and it hit the World Trade Center.
932
00:44:33,875 --> 00:44:36,250
So that was...
933
00:44:36,250 --> 00:44:38,833
Yeah, that was bad.
934
00:44:38,833 --> 00:44:40,833
I'll never forget that day.
935
00:44:43,000 --> 00:44:45,917
Ah, fuck, that was so unnecessary.
936
00:44:45,917 --> 00:44:51,792
That was wildly unnecessary.
937
00:44:51,792 --> 00:44:53,625
I dunno, man. I'm sorry.
938
00:44:53,625 --> 00:44:57,917
I'm fucking mentally ill, I don't know...
939
00:44:57,917 --> 00:44:59,333
I've been thinking about this:
940
00:44:59,333 --> 00:45:00,750
I think the thing is, I think --
941
00:45:00,750 --> 00:45:04,083
I think I learned too early in my life
942
00:45:04,083 --> 00:45:06,500
that when I say something and people get angry,
943
00:45:06,500 --> 00:45:08,500
I just like how that feels.
944
00:45:08,500 --> 00:45:10,250
I don't know why,
945
00:45:10,250 --> 00:45:12,583
but I learned it too early, I think that's the problem.
946
00:45:12,583 --> 00:45:14,167
I learned that when I was 6.
947
00:45:14,167 --> 00:45:16,500
That's too young for that kind of...
948
00:45:16,500 --> 00:45:19,625
You know, I learned all the bad words when I was 6.
949
00:45:19,625 --> 00:45:21,542
I learned them all in one day
950
00:45:21,542 --> 00:45:24,167
from this old dude who hung around our neighborhood.
951
00:45:24,167 --> 00:45:26,125
I don't know if he lived there or what,
952
00:45:26,125 --> 00:45:28,208
but there this old dude with a shitty coat
953
00:45:28,208 --> 00:45:29,792
and a dark tooth
954
00:45:29,792 --> 00:45:31,667
that was always walking around my neighborhood.
955
00:45:31,667 --> 00:45:32,958
And if you're a kid walking alone,
956
00:45:32,958 --> 00:45:34,917
he'd walk up and, "Hey," talk to you --
957
00:45:34,917 --> 00:45:36,375
because it was the '70s.
958
00:45:36,375 --> 00:45:38,292
You could just walk up to kids and talk to 'em.
959
00:45:38,292 --> 00:45:42,250
Now you can't even fuck 'em, it's crazy how things are...
960
00:45:42,250 --> 00:45:46,333
[ Laughter ]
961
00:45:46,333 --> 00:45:47,833
Sorry.
962
00:45:47,833 --> 00:45:50,750
I know it's wrong to fuck kids, by the way,
963
00:45:50,750 --> 00:45:54,208
just to be clear, I know that fucking children is wrong.
964
00:45:54,208 --> 00:45:57,042
I don't even need to be told. I just know that it's wrong.
965
00:45:59,042 --> 00:46:01,583
I would know it was wrong, even if it was popular.
966
00:46:04,083 --> 00:46:05,917
Even if people were like, "You should fucking kids,
967
00:46:05,917 --> 00:46:08,042
it's great,"
968
00:46:08,042 --> 00:46:11,500
I wouldn't do it.
969
00:46:11,500 --> 00:46:13,167
Even if the kids came out to me all the time,
970
00:46:13,167 --> 00:46:15,708
"You should fuck me, I like it. I wouldn't mind at all."
971
00:46:17,833 --> 00:46:20,000
I would say, "No thank you, young man."
972
00:46:24,500 --> 00:46:27,042
Even if doctors proved...
973
00:46:27,042 --> 00:46:30,958
[ Laughs ]
974
00:46:30,958 --> 00:46:34,583
...that it was beneficial to the health of children to fuck them,
975
00:46:34,583 --> 00:46:36,042
I wouldn't do it. I would --
976
00:46:36,042 --> 00:46:38,250
I would -- I wouldn't fuck a kid to save his life.
977
00:46:38,250 --> 00:46:40,417
That's...
978
00:46:42,750 --> 00:46:45,708
Even even if somebody said to me,
979
00:46:45,708 --> 00:46:47,833
"If you fuck just this one kid,
980
00:46:47,833 --> 00:46:52,125
then no kid will ever get fucked ever again."
981
00:46:52,125 --> 00:46:53,833
I might have to fuck that one kid.
982
00:46:53,833 --> 00:46:57,667
That might be the right thing to do.
983
00:46:57,667 --> 00:47:00,500
I'm saving all those kids.
984
00:47:00,500 --> 00:47:04,375
Oh, I'm saving them all.
985
00:47:04,375 --> 00:47:07,667
Not you, not you.
986
00:47:07,667 --> 00:47:10,042
You're the last one.
987
00:47:17,667 --> 00:47:20,875
It's hypothetically.
988
00:47:20,875 --> 00:47:26,292
Anyway, so the old man came up to me on the street
989
00:47:26,292 --> 00:47:30,417
and he and he said, "Hey, do you want to know all the bad words?
990
00:47:32,333 --> 00:47:35,000
And I said, "Yes, I think I do."
991
00:47:35,000 --> 00:47:38,042
So he's like, "All right. Okay. Fuck, shit, piss,
992
00:47:38,042 --> 00:47:43,875
dick, balls, ass, cock, diarrhea, pussy, fart, cum."
993
00:47:43,875 --> 00:47:48,000
And I was like, "Oh!"
994
00:47:48,000 --> 00:47:52,125
Just felt so good.
995
00:47:52,125 --> 00:47:54,333
I went to school, I went right up to my teacher, I said,
996
00:47:54,333 --> 00:47:58,458
"Fuck, shit, piss, dick, balls, ask, cock, diarrhea, cum, fart."
997
00:48:00,500 --> 00:48:02,500
And she started crying. It's a true story.
998
00:48:02,500 --> 00:48:04,792
She was like -- [ Imitates wailing ]
999
00:48:04,792 --> 00:48:06,375
Started crying.
1000
00:48:06,375 --> 00:48:07,917
I had a boner. I was so happy.
1001
00:48:07,917 --> 00:48:09,833
It was the best moment of my life.
1002
00:48:13,833 --> 00:48:16,333
I had to go to the principal's office.
1003
00:48:16,333 --> 00:48:19,000
He said, "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"
1004
00:48:19,000 --> 00:48:21,208
I said, "No, but I eat her pussy with it."
1005
00:48:21,208 --> 00:48:24,375
[ Laughter ]
1006
00:48:24,375 --> 00:48:26,625
Yeah. Yeah. [ Laughs ]
1007
00:48:26,625 --> 00:48:28,583
Yeah!
1008
00:48:28,583 --> 00:48:31,500
[ Applause ]
1009
00:48:34,083 --> 00:48:35,333
Anyway, relationships are tough.
1010
00:48:35,333 --> 00:48:37,125
That's what I'm talking about.
1011
00:48:40,708 --> 00:48:43,333
I used to date a woman who was a vegan,
1012
00:48:43,333 --> 00:48:46,167
so I had to fuck her with my dick substitute and, uh...
1013
00:48:50,000 --> 00:48:51,833
'Member when meeting a vegan was weird?
1014
00:48:51,833 --> 00:48:53,333
Remember when there was like a strange thing, like,
1015
00:48:53,333 --> 00:48:55,583
"Oh, what is -- what is that?"
1016
00:48:55,583 --> 00:48:58,500
Like, you probably met your first vegan in the '90s.
1017
00:48:58,500 --> 00:49:02,375
You had like a dinner party and somebody brought a vegan
1018
00:49:02,375 --> 00:49:04,292
and they said, "Just so you know, I'm vegan,"
1019
00:49:04,292 --> 00:49:06,167
and you're like, "I'm sorry, you're a vegetarian?"
1020
00:49:06,167 --> 00:49:08,625
And they're like, "Heh, no."
1021
00:49:08,625 --> 00:49:10,792
All right, what is the thing?
1022
00:49:10,792 --> 00:49:12,417
And they tell all the... Huh?
1023
00:49:12,417 --> 00:49:14,583
Okay. Uh-huh.
1024
00:49:14,583 --> 00:49:17,458
Yeah, I have no food for you.
1025
00:49:17,458 --> 00:49:21,375
You can eat a napkin and shit paper, I don't care.
1026
00:49:21,375 --> 00:49:22,958
But then you met another vegan and you're like,
1027
00:49:22,958 --> 00:49:24,792
"Okay," and then -- and now they're everywhere,
1028
00:49:24,792 --> 00:49:26,458
now who cares?
1029
00:49:26,458 --> 00:49:28,542
There's several vegans and restaurants and whatever.
1030
00:49:28,542 --> 00:49:29,833
It's kind of like gay people
1031
00:49:29,833 --> 00:49:32,667
sort of a similar trajectory of growth
1032
00:49:32,667 --> 00:49:35,375
and acceptance in the culture.
1033
00:49:35,375 --> 00:49:37,750
You know? Gay people and vegans have a lot in common --
1034
00:49:37,750 --> 00:49:40,250
like, they both have to tell their families at Thanksgiving.
1035
00:49:40,250 --> 00:49:41,792
That's when they have to tell them.
1036
00:49:41,792 --> 00:49:45,333
And Dad gets angry.
1037
00:49:45,333 --> 00:49:48,458
"Your mother worked all night cooking that turkey,
1038
00:49:48,458 --> 00:49:52,292
and you're telling me you're a fucking faggot?!"
1039
00:49:52,292 --> 00:49:54,042
You know, it's drama.
1040
00:49:57,667 --> 00:50:00,125
But those are the old days,
1041
00:50:00,125 --> 00:50:02,708
things are better now.
1042
00:50:02,708 --> 00:50:04,167
I think it's pretty amazing when you think about it.
1043
00:50:04,167 --> 00:50:07,250
People used to say that being gay was wrong.
1044
00:50:07,250 --> 00:50:08,750
Pretty recently, folks used to --
1045
00:50:08,750 --> 00:50:09,917
like, most people used to say
1046
00:50:09,917 --> 00:50:11,333
that being gay was wrong,
1047
00:50:11,333 --> 00:50:12,833
'course it's not wrong to be gay.
1048
00:50:12,833 --> 00:50:15,792
I mean, it's pretty gay but it's not wrong,
1049
00:50:15,792 --> 00:50:17,333
but that's what people used to say.
1050
00:50:17,333 --> 00:50:18,708
And now nobody says that.
1051
00:50:18,708 --> 00:50:20,333
And I think that's a positive change.
1052
00:50:20,333 --> 00:50:22,792
I think that's a good thing, although I do wonder
1053
00:50:22,792 --> 00:50:26,750
if there are gay people who miss when it was wrong.
1054
00:50:26,750 --> 00:50:29,333
Maybe there's a few who miss when it was --
1055
00:50:29,333 --> 00:50:31,500
'cause wasn't it a little more fun,
1056
00:50:31,500 --> 00:50:34,833
when it was like, "This is fucking crazy."
1057
00:50:34,833 --> 00:50:36,500
Didn't that...
1058
00:50:36,500 --> 00:50:39,625
Didn't give it a little zhuzh. A little...
1059
00:50:39,625 --> 00:50:43,292
I could lose my job. Aw, fuck...
1060
00:50:44,208 --> 00:50:46,167
Because...
1061
00:50:46,167 --> 00:50:48,250
Now they're like everybody else, which is great.
1062
00:50:48,250 --> 00:50:49,917
And they can get married. That's terrific.
1063
00:50:49,917 --> 00:50:55,792
But is that fun to fuck your husband at your house?
1064
00:50:55,792 --> 00:50:58,167
Wasn't it more fun to be in an old nightclub
1065
00:50:58,167 --> 00:50:59,458
at 4:00 in the morning, like,
1066
00:50:59,458 --> 00:51:01,167
"I'm breaking my mother's heart.
1067
00:51:01,167 --> 00:51:06,000
Oh, yeah."
1068
00:51:06,000 --> 00:51:08,583
I don't know, I don't even mean just gay people,
1069
00:51:08,583 --> 00:51:12,000
just some people like when sex is a little fucked up.
1070
00:51:12,000 --> 00:51:13,708
You know?
1071
00:51:13,708 --> 00:51:17,667
"Some people!"
1072
00:51:17,667 --> 00:51:22,333
Some people like when sex is a little fucked up.
1073
00:51:24,167 --> 00:51:26,083
[ Chuckles ] All right.
1074
00:51:26,083 --> 00:51:28,042
[ Laughs ]
1075
00:51:28,042 --> 00:51:29,708
No...
1076
00:51:29,708 --> 00:51:31,583
All right now, you want to talk about this?
1077
00:51:31,583 --> 00:51:33,208
Should we talk about it?
1078
00:51:33,208 --> 00:51:35,667
[ Cheering and applause ] Yeah, all right, all right.
1079
00:51:35,667 --> 00:51:37,667
I don't mind -- I don't mind talking about it.
1080
00:51:37,667 --> 00:51:39,917
OK. Around...
1081
00:51:39,917 --> 00:51:43,500
[ Laughs ]
1082
00:51:43,500 --> 00:51:45,375
Here's what -- I'll give you some advice.
1083
00:51:48,250 --> 00:51:51,417
Here's some advice that really only I can give you.
1084
00:51:53,625 --> 00:51:57,417
Here's my advice: if you ever ask somebody,
1085
00:51:57,417 --> 00:51:59,625
"Can I jerk off in front of you?"
1086
00:51:59,625 --> 00:52:01,583
[ Scattered laughter ]
1087
00:52:01,583 --> 00:52:03,792
Let me finish. I mean --
1088
00:52:03,792 --> 00:52:06,458
[ Laughter and applause ] I mean...
1089
00:52:06,458 --> 00:52:09,292
Let me finish what I'm saying!
1090
00:52:09,292 --> 00:52:11,542
Ah...
1091
00:52:11,542 --> 00:52:14,292
Ah, fuck. Okay.
1092
00:52:17,333 --> 00:52:19,958
If you've ever ask somebody,
1093
00:52:19,958 --> 00:52:22,917
"May I jerk off in front of you,"
1094
00:52:22,917 --> 00:52:24,542
and they say yes,
1095
00:52:24,542 --> 00:52:27,292
just say, "Are you sure?"
1096
00:52:27,292 --> 00:52:29,333
That's the first part.
1097
00:52:29,333 --> 00:52:32,333
And then if they say yes, just don't fucking do it.
1098
00:52:32,333 --> 00:52:34,500
Just -- just don't do it.
1099
00:52:34,500 --> 00:52:37,333
'Cause, look, whatever you're into, okay?
1100
00:52:37,333 --> 00:52:39,292
'Cause everybody's got their thing.
1101
00:52:39,292 --> 00:52:40,958
Whatever your thing is, I don't know.
1102
00:52:40,958 --> 00:52:44,292
You all have your thing. I don't know what your thing is.
1103
00:52:44,292 --> 00:52:47,667
You're so fucking lucky that I don't know what you're thing is.
1104
00:52:47,667 --> 00:52:49,833
Do you understand how lucky you are
1105
00:52:49,833 --> 00:52:51,958
that people don't know your fucking thing?
1106
00:52:51,958 --> 00:52:55,000
'Cause everybody knows my thing.
1107
00:52:55,000 --> 00:52:58,333
Everybody knows my fucking thing now.
1108
00:52:58,333 --> 00:53:00,500
Obama knows my thing.
1109
00:53:00,500 --> 00:53:05,583
Do you understand how that feels?
1110
00:53:05,583 --> 00:53:08,333
To know that Obama was like, "Good lord!"
1111
00:53:15,333 --> 00:53:17,333
Everybody in the world knows my thing.
1112
00:53:17,333 --> 00:53:19,250
I got on an airplane in Italy, this little kid was like,
1113
00:53:19,250 --> 00:53:21,667
"Mama, that's the guy who jerk off in front of the people!"
1114
00:53:30,042 --> 00:53:31,750
So whatever your thing is, I don't know what it is,
1115
00:53:31,750 --> 00:53:33,292
maybe you can't cum unless you have
1116
00:53:33,292 --> 00:53:35,708
your father on speaker phone, whatever it is.
1117
00:53:40,917 --> 00:53:42,375
If you want to do it with somebody else,
1118
00:53:42,375 --> 00:53:43,833
you need to ask first, but if they say yes,
1119
00:53:43,833 --> 00:53:46,583
you still don't get to just go, "Whoo!"
1120
00:53:46,583 --> 00:53:48,917
And charge ahead -- gotta check in often.
1121
00:53:48,917 --> 00:53:50,667
I guess that's what I would say.
1122
00:53:50,667 --> 00:53:53,042
Check in, because it's not always clear how people feel.
1123
00:53:53,042 --> 00:53:55,625
Like, men are taught to make sure the woman is okay.
1124
00:53:55,625 --> 00:53:57,833
But the thing is, women know how to seem okay
1125
00:53:57,833 --> 00:53:59,292
when they're not okay.
1126
00:53:59,292 --> 00:54:00,792
So you can't just look at her face be like,
1127
00:54:00,792 --> 00:54:02,250
"Yeah, her eyes are dry. We're fine.
1128
00:54:02,250 --> 00:54:06,833
We'll just keep going" -- You gotta check in.
1129
00:54:06,833 --> 00:54:08,417
'Cause sex -- communication, during sex
1130
00:54:08,417 --> 00:54:09,833
can be very confusing, like, sometimes,
1131
00:54:09,833 --> 00:54:11,667
you're with a woman, you're having sex,
1132
00:54:11,667 --> 00:54:14,125
she's making noises, she's going, like, "Ooh, ahh."
1133
00:54:14,125 --> 00:54:16,375
And you're like, "Oh, she loves it."
1134
00:54:16,375 --> 00:54:19,667
Not necessarily.
1135
00:54:19,667 --> 00:54:21,292
Sometimes they're making those noises
1136
00:54:21,292 --> 00:54:23,083
just to get through it,
1137
00:54:23,083 --> 00:54:24,875
because it's easier to go, "Ooh,"
1138
00:54:24,875 --> 00:54:26,708
than to say, "I hate how you fuck me.
1139
00:54:26,708 --> 00:54:29,208
Honestly, it's awful."
1140
00:54:29,208 --> 00:54:31,458
So she goes, "Ooh, baby!"
1141
00:54:31,458 --> 00:54:33,292
It's kind of like a Negro spiritual,
1142
00:54:33,292 --> 00:54:35,833
it's sort of similar.
1143
00:54:37,708 --> 00:54:39,458
So to assume that she likes it is like
1144
00:54:39,458 --> 00:54:41,333
if they heard slaves singing in the fields, and they're like,
1145
00:54:41,333 --> 00:54:43,500
"Hey, you're having a great time out there!"
1146
00:54:43,500 --> 00:54:47,125
[ Laughter ]
1147
00:54:53,208 --> 00:54:55,833
As far as my thing -- I dunno what the fuck...
1148
00:54:55,833 --> 00:54:57,375
People are like, "Why do you want to do it anyway?"
1149
00:54:57,375 --> 00:54:59,083
Okay, oh, no.
1150
00:54:59,083 --> 00:55:01,792
I like jerking off, I don't like being alone.
1151
00:55:01,792 --> 00:55:03,583
That's all I can tell you.
1152
00:55:03,583 --> 00:55:05,375
I -- I get lonely! "Where is everyone?"
1153
00:55:05,375 --> 00:55:08,875
It's just sad. I like company.
1154
00:55:08,875 --> 00:55:11,583
I like to share. I'm good at it, too.
1155
00:55:11,583 --> 00:55:12,875
If you're good at juggling,
1156
00:55:12,875 --> 00:55:14,708
you wouldn't do it alone in the dark.
1157
00:55:14,708 --> 00:55:18,167
You would gather folks and amaze them.
1158
00:55:18,167 --> 00:55:20,083
[ Laughter ]
1159
00:55:23,417 --> 00:55:25,750
Anyway, that's all I'm going to say about that shit.
1160
00:55:25,750 --> 00:55:30,542
[ Cheering and applause ]
1161
00:55:33,833 --> 00:55:37,000
[ Chuckles ]
1162
00:55:37,000 --> 00:55:40,792
Well...
1163
00:55:40,792 --> 00:55:42,583
[ Chuckles ]
1164
00:55:42,583 --> 00:55:44,417
Let me ask you a question.
1165
00:55:44,417 --> 00:55:45,875
You ever wonder
1166
00:55:45,875 --> 00:55:47,792
how many people ever fucked your mom?
1167
00:55:50,000 --> 00:55:51,917
We're almost done. You're doing great.
1168
00:55:53,917 --> 00:55:55,667
This is important to me.
1169
00:55:55,667 --> 00:55:57,042
You ever look at your mom and go, like,
1170
00:55:57,042 --> 00:55:58,917
"Mom, how many dicks? Just how many?"
1171
00:55:58,917 --> 00:56:00,708
I lost my mom.
1172
00:56:00,708 --> 00:56:02,167
So those are the things I don't know.
1173
00:56:02,167 --> 00:56:04,250
So I'm curious.
1174
00:56:04,250 --> 00:56:07,042
I don't feel like a lot of dudes fucked my mom.
1175
00:56:07,042 --> 00:56:09,625
Not 'cause she's, like, pure, because, like, I don't think so.
1176
00:56:09,625 --> 00:56:14,417
But I hope it was as many as she wanted.
1177
00:56:14,417 --> 00:56:16,667
That's what I hope -- I hope she got all the dicks
1178
00:56:16,667 --> 00:56:18,917
she ever dreamed of because I loved her.
1179
00:56:18,917 --> 00:56:20,833
I hope at the end, my mom was like,
1180
00:56:20,833 --> 00:56:22,917
"That with plenty of dicks.
1181
00:56:22,917 --> 00:56:24,667
Whew-hoo!"
1182
00:56:28,000 --> 00:56:30,542
But I'll never know -- because you don't know your mom.
1183
00:56:30,542 --> 00:56:32,458
That's the truth -- you don't really know your mother.
1184
00:56:32,458 --> 00:56:33,750
You feel like you know her,
1185
00:56:33,750 --> 00:56:35,667
but you know what she told you.
1186
00:56:35,667 --> 00:56:37,792
She didn't tell you shit.
1187
00:56:37,792 --> 00:56:39,250
You don't tell your kids your life.
1188
00:56:39,250 --> 00:56:41,000
What did your mother tell you?
1189
00:56:41,000 --> 00:56:44,250
"I won a swimming medal when I was 12."
1190
00:56:44,250 --> 00:56:45,875
She didn't tell you, like,
1191
00:56:45,875 --> 00:56:47,083
"I used to fuck this guy at work, it was amazing."
1192
00:56:47,083 --> 00:56:51,083
She didn't tell you that.
1193
00:56:51,083 --> 00:56:54,833
Think about your mom's life story as she told it to you.
1194
00:56:54,833 --> 00:56:58,833
There's huge holes in that story.
1195
00:56:58,833 --> 00:57:00,958
"Well, I graduated when I was 22
1196
00:57:00,958 --> 00:57:03,583
and then I met your father when I was 35."
1197
00:57:06,792 --> 00:57:09,583
"Feels like a lot of dicks would fit right in there, Mom."
1198
00:57:12,917 --> 00:57:14,458
You know those movies where you're --
1199
00:57:14,458 --> 00:57:16,583
where a mother and a daughter switch bodies.
1200
00:57:16,583 --> 00:57:18,208
You ever seen a movie like -- it's always like,
1201
00:57:18,208 --> 00:57:21,167
"Freaky Friday," some Disney comedy where a mother
1202
00:57:21,167 --> 00:57:24,042
and a daughter switch bodies and then they're like, "Whoa!"
1203
00:57:24,042 --> 00:57:28,667
Then they have to water ski and be in a rock band together.
1204
00:57:28,667 --> 00:57:31,125
And then they switch back and they know each other better.
1205
00:57:31,125 --> 00:57:32,875
That's the formula
1206
00:57:32,875 --> 00:57:35,417
I think they should make it another one of those movies.
1207
00:57:38,167 --> 00:57:39,583
But it should be about a mother
1208
00:57:39,583 --> 00:57:42,208
who switches bodies with her son.
1209
00:57:42,208 --> 00:57:45,292
But it's not a comedy, it's a drama --
1210
00:57:45,292 --> 00:57:47,417
like a medical affliction.
1211
00:57:47,417 --> 00:57:49,125
They're upset the whole time.
1212
00:57:49,125 --> 00:57:50,875
She's in the bathroom in the morning,
1213
00:57:50,875 --> 00:57:55,625
"I'm holding my son's penis. It's confusing."
1214
00:57:55,625 --> 00:57:57,375
And her son is in her body, he's like,
1215
00:57:57,375 --> 00:58:00,250
"I don't want to be my mommy anymore.
1216
00:58:02,917 --> 00:58:05,458
I don't like how it feels."
1217
00:58:10,750 --> 00:58:13,417
And his dad comes home and he starts fucking 'im.
1218
00:58:13,417 --> 00:58:15,500
"Oh, God!
1219
00:58:17,667 --> 00:58:21,333
What's happening now?
1220
00:58:21,333 --> 00:58:23,458
I don't like this,
1221
00:58:23,458 --> 00:58:26,750
but I don't want to say no to my dad."
1222
00:58:32,583 --> 00:58:34,333
And then at the end of the movie,
1223
00:58:34,333 --> 00:58:36,250
they never switch back.
1224
00:58:36,250 --> 00:58:38,958
[ Laughter ]
1225
00:58:38,958 --> 00:58:42,250
You guys were great, thank you very much for coming tonight.
1226
00:58:42,250 --> 00:58:44,542
It was a pleasure talking to you.
1227
00:58:44,542 --> 00:58:47,333
Get home safe. Thank you very, very much.
1228
00:58:47,333 --> 00:58:48,583
Goodnight.
1229
00:58:48,583 --> 00:58:52,208
[ Cheering and applause ]92117
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