All language subtitles for Crazy.Wedding.2018.UKRAINIAN.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

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GOD BLESS YOU

NEWLYWEDS

A real pro.

What?

What does he want?

You meat head! Come here.

-How long till the storming?
-30 second notice.

-I need the sound.
-Sound!

-Mike! I need the mike.
-Mike!

-He needs a mike.
-Give him the mike.

Attention! Colonel Popadyuk speaking.

Terrorist Seredyuk,

release the hostage,

put down your weapons, and come out.

I'm not a terrorist.

Terrorist Seredyuk,
I don't negotiate with terrorists.

Capitulate and release your son-in-law.

I don't have any son-in-law.

There was no wedding,
and there will be none.

Dad, how can you? You gave me your word.

I know nothing about that.
I have no son-in-law.

You have no daughter, then!

What did you say?

You heard me.
Either you give us your blessings, or…

Attack!

CRAZY WEDDING

A WEEK EARLIER

YABLUNIVKA

-My dear Katrusia and Francois…
-As they say, bonjour, comment sava.

-Why did you say come on?
-That's how they say hi in France.

I don't interfere with your cooking,
and you stay away from my diplomacy.

Seredyuks!

Are you out of your minds
with your bread and salt?

For a French delegation,
you need croissants and parmesan cheese!

Are you jealous of your neighbor's luck,
Taras Adamovych?

How could I, Vasyl Romanovych?

I'm just worried

that your future son-in-law
might get offended and leave.

Your son-in-law hasn't left yet,
so don't worry about mine.

We both have wonderful daughters.
Mine studied at Sorbonne,

and yours also… sells khachapuri pies.

Yes, that's our kids. They are into…

…exotic things.

Don't compare fine dining
with street-food.

My son-in-law is a European!

Not an Asian like yours.

Romanovych, should I buy you a map?

Armenia isn't Asia.

Ashot is a European, too,
even if he doesn't look like one.

You should have your eyesight checked.
They don't have such dark soil in Europe.

PARIS. FRANCE

The night is so starry and bright
As if it were day, nit a night

Come out, my bellowed…

It's «be-lo-ved».

Great.

Love you.

Come out, my beloved…

What does it say?

Do you ever look at what you write at all?

I heard on TV that if
there is a dark spot in your house,

it might be dangerous fungus.

It's just that it's sunny
where he comes from.

And genetics, too.

Right. In a couple years, some gene
like this one will be running around here

calling you grandpa.

Or is it tichtimbe in their language?

Go to hell.

Taras-jan, let's have lunch.

I've made a finger-licking good lamajoto.

Others can stay hungry if they want!

Come on.

You know, Taras-jan,

if my daughter
brought home such a churchkhela,

I would have killed them both.

Man, you really are crazy.

I'd be shitting bricks if I were there.

The real extreme starts tomorrow.

We are going to Catherine's home
to get married.

For real? Where is my invitation?

Wait, are you really going to her country?

Ukraine is fantastic!

Look what I've found about it on the web.

That's tough shit! So screwed-up!

Screwed-up shit!

Check it out!

This is my favorite.

Meanwhile, Ukraine is degrading
towards the Middle Ages.

This is how today's celebrations
at Independence Square looked.

The parade was opened
by the President of Ukraine.

Fight the enemy of God! My glorious ones!

Sorry, man, but…
forget about my invitation.

You see,
I'd be shitting bricks if I were there.

Catherine literally lived there!
Can you believe it? I can't wait!

Looks like they are stuck
somewhere in the Middle Ages.

Exactly! That's mega extreme.

I've been preparing for the trip
for three months.

-I'm learning their language.
-Cool.

-You know what's the Ukrainian for crazy?
-What?

Pryshelepkuvatyi!

-Cool! So many letters! It's rad.
-Right!

-Franik, stop bragging with your video.
-Why?

Come on.
Mom will be waiting on Skype soon.

Your mom? When will I talk to your dad?

You see, we have this tradition.

Until the mother gives her permission,
the bride's father can't see the groom.

You see?
Their traditions are mind-blowing.

I'd be shitting bricks!

-Bye, man.
-Bye.

Zakhar, what's taking you so long?

Francois will think we aren't punctual.

Be happy that this piece
of scrap metal works at all.

You promised that Dad will buy
a proper computer.

They are on sale right now.

Come on, turn it on.

Look! This monster is on sale.

Son, I don't know anything about it.
Talk to Dad.

Fine.

Here is your Katya.

-Hi, baby.
-Hi, Mom. What's up?

We're fine. Can't wait for you to come.

I hope I'll have a chance
to hug you and Dad tomorrow.

By the way,
have you shown him Francois' pic?

Francois, you said?

Looks nice.

A typical Frenchman.

I think so, too.

I've seen better, but… It's her choice.

Did you buy it?
Our Katrusia has perfect taste!

Look at this face, these intelligent eyes!

A true European.

I like him, too. He's nice.

And sings well… I think.

Let me show it to Taras. Let him
watch the Seredyuks marching to Europe.

Is that what he said?

Word to word. He's tickled pink.

Cool. Why don't I introduce him
to Francois right now? Call Dad!

But… Baby, he's not here.

He's at work.

The mice ate the stuffed cat
at their museum.

Took revenge, so to say.

Baby, you can introduce them
when you're here.

Oh God.

Look who's here! My dear son-in-law!

Salute, Mama! How are you doing?

Doing? I'm doin just fine.

Will be even better when you come.

How is your internship going?

Fine, merci.

Mom, can you believe it?

The best cardio surgeon in Paris
hired Francois as his assistant.

You see how smart he is?

Kids, I'm so happy for you!

OK, Mom, see you tomorrow.
We still need to pack our luggage.

Yes. Have a nice trip, kids!

-Bye.
-Bye-bye.

Thanks.

Francois, I'm done.

What is this for?

I'm taking a first aid kit
plus surgical instruments,

a sun battery, a water distiller,
and some signal flares.

Darling, don't take it the wrong way,
but you don't need any of these.

Without this, a modern person
in an extreme,

uncivilized country will…
how do you say it? Bite the dust!

Who says that?

Our country is normal.
Not France yet, but…

Relax. I've researched Ukraine
on the internet and consulted with Jean.

And?

You can't chose where you are born.

You have nothing to be ashamed of.
My ancestors

weren't exactly French, either.

OK. I think Ukraine will surprise you.

I think so, too.

Shit! The malaria meds.

Vasyl Romanovych, rest assured:
everything will be on the top level.

I don't need the top level.
I need the European level.

Do you dye your hair?

Me? No.

-The table will be L-shaped.
-I knew that.

This is the buffet dinner.

The beer table,

the dessert table, the Cossack table…

It is a fiasco!

Or how we call it, – German table,

French table…

and the Welcome to Ukraine table.

As they say, «Where is the party?
Here is the party».

Great.

Whoa!

What's this?

The newlyweds table. It's a tradition.

Don't you realize the whole France
will be watching us?

Got it.

We will change everything.

Well? What do you think?

Well… Now we're talking!

This is the European level.

Loft style.

OK, now I'm happy.
What about the entertainment?

Famous ensemble,
which is known not only in our district,

Gemstones of Yablunivka.

Oh God.

Considering the high profile of the event,
I went for an upgrade.

Voila!

I give you…

…rock band "Magnifique Fantastique".

Bravo! Thank you, guys.
What about the gigs?

The apples were falling

The apples were falling

The apple were falling into our…

Footprints

Bravo! Bravo! Great.

Do you have any French songs
in your repertoire?

Of course.

A romantic song by Joe Dassin,

Et si tu n'existais pas.

-And?
-And?

And many others

that will be a nice surprise
for the audience.

Vasyl Romanovych, the major question…

Don't worry. I've got money.

I never doubted it.

I have a question about the rider.

Rider? No problem. What is it?

We, artists, always need to discuss
our working conditions.

Transportation, lodgings, catering.

Nazar, do we really need a rider
between the two of us?

This is the European way.

We haven't reached Europe yet.
So, it's just the down payment.

Do you accept credit cards?

What the…

Ashot came up with the idea
to add chili for a pungent flavor.

You clumsy pig!
You'll be doing your laundry yourself.

Hey, you!

You'll go and wash it right now.

Got it?

What did you say?

You'll wash it yourself, got it?

Tell them!
They'll tear the house to pieces.

To hell with your house.

Maybe then
we'll finally get out of this village.

It's the district center! Great views!

Fresh air.

Will there be an end to this?

You keep nagging at me;
these two are out of control;

Vasyl is happy!
What have I done to deserve all this?

Why are you whining? What do you want?

I want to be the master of my own house
and for everybody to listen to me!

-Bon appetite.
-My tiger!

Get out of there, master.

Pepper free salad.

I thought you weren't afraid
of meeting my parents,

that you weren't worried at all…

I'm not worried.
For our last day in Paris,

a romantic French dinner
with a slight Ukrainian accent.

You didn't study cardiology only, right?

You know something about
food poisonings, don't you?

OK, OK.

Today on the menu
at the Le Cossack restaurant:

pierogi with béchamel sauce,
kruchenyku with snails,

and holubtsy with frog legs.

Awesome. I don't know what to start with.

Maybe I should surprise
your dad with a meal.

No.

A nice dinner is a good basis
for a male friendship.

Don't surprise Dad like this!

Franik, Daddy doesn't like surprises.

He's a bit old school.

Got it.

I've done many crazy things in my life,

with my life hanging on by a thread,

but I was only scared once:
when I told you I loved you

and was waiting for your reaction.

You are the best
and most romantic guy in the world.

Even if the whole world says no,
I'll still love you.

Listen!

Why don't we greet him
with La Marseillaise?

-What?
-La Marseillaise.

-We're out of mayonnaise.
-I mean the song.

Baby, I don't need a song.
I can fall asleep without it.

How about a red carpet, like in Cannes?

Kaniv is too far away.
Let's go to Morshyn instead.

That's not what I meant!

-Listen, I almost forgot!
-What?

We have to… start early tomorrow.
Go back to sleep, you sleepwalker.

Baby!

-Mom!
-My sweet girl!

Well? Where is he?

May this house
and its master prosper a long life!

You've trained your staff well.

So smart! Speaks our language!

Where is your chief, you devil?

-Dad, what chief?
-The chief, the boss, the employer.

I don't know how they say in France.

Where is Francois?
Call my future son-in-law.

Why is he hiding?

Francois!

Francois! Francois!

Daddy, you are really crazy.

I am Francois!

Come on, Eddie Murphy!

Stop joking.

Don't worry,
I'll ask the boss to give you a bonus.

For your acting skills. Now,

call my son-in-law.

Where is he? Where is Francois?

Is he here?

Francois!

Hello! Where is he?

Dad, calm down.

What have you done to my Francois?

There was a slight misunderstanding.
Right, Mom?

The pies are burning!

They are already burned. You traitors!

I demand a normal son-in-law.

French-made, not some fake!

Dad, I love Francois.

Right. «Dark-browed girls,
make love but not to the Russians».

Don't you dare defile Shevchenko's poem!

You think you taught him
our language, and that's it?

Daddy will give you his blessings?

Vasyl Seredyuk is not for sale!

All right.

This is my boyfriend, and I love him.

This is my choice,
and you have to respect it.

I… I…

It's your fault! Say something!

You… I…

This isn't over!

Mom, why was Dad expecting Vinnyk?

I was scared, you see.
I didn't think it will end up like this.

Baby, I'm sorry!

You were speaking so loud and fast,
and I didn't quite catch it.

Why was your dad yelling?

It's just a tradition.

The father has to yell at his daughter
for the last time before the wedding,

since from then on her husband
will do all the yelling.

It's a tradition.

But you and Maman are crying!

The bride needs to cry two pots
full of tears before the wedding.

I'm just helping.

It's a tradition.

What?

Why didn't you tell me?
I'd have filmed this savage tradition.

Where are you? Where the hell are you?

I was waiting for you so hard.

I prepared such a welcome party for you!

I'm a black, black, black gypsy!

Why did I have to fall in love

With the black-eyed Ivanko?

It's just some guy Katrusia knows.

He was passing by

and dropped by for a short visit.

That's what I used to tell myself.

«Ashotik will sell all his tulips and go».

Sometimes you just need to be a man,
maybe bang your fist on the table.

You know me.

I banged, I yelled, I fought. And?

Women always get what they want.

So, accept it
and get ready for the wedding.

What?

You want everybody to forget
Vasyl Seredyuk,

the local history expert

and artist,

and remember Vaska Seredyuk

who let this guy steal his daughter,
his precious flower?

Never! This wedding won't happen.

What are you going to do?

You'll see.

I'll go and do it.

Dear Katrusia and… you, son-in-law.

I'm sorry for all this mess.

It's just the stress. I was hit with
my luck like it were a sack of coals.

I understand. It's unexpected.

I was stressed already about your wedding.

My daughter's happiness
is all that matters.

Daddy, you're surprisingly sentimental.

You've had some rest after your trip.

So let's get to work. Let's check if
everything is ready for the wedding.

I thought you went there yesterday.

I can go today, too.

Thank God, my health allows me to.

I'll take the kids, too. It's your day,
so it's up to you to make the decisions.

Will there be any special Ukrainian
traditions at the wedding?

Of course.

Everything will be
the way our ancestors used to do it.

God bless this family

and give them a Cossack regimen of kids.

Oh, fir tree
Tell me why you're so far away…

Francois isn't happy with it, either.

What's this?

Oh God, just look at this!

No wonder why you have an F-shaped table.

But, Vasyl Romanovych…

What were you thinking?
A Swedish-style buffet!

Do you even know what is the relationship
between France and Sweden?

No.

You're unprepared.

What is this?

Baby, have you seen anything
like this in France?

-No.
-It's a nice concept.

Did you hear that? Nobody uses
Moldovian carpets in Europe anymore.

Only the Spanish ones.

So, the restaurant isn't prepared.

Gentlemen, I have one question for you.

Does any of you have musical education?

Does the music school count?

Where did you find them? I understand
your desire to help out your family.

-But there are limits!
-Just listen to them play.

Play what?

This?

Do you have a quality certificate?

Was it imported legally?
I'm having guests from the tax service!

Kids, there will be no music
at your wedding.

But there will be a show!

The apples were falling

The apples were falling

Falling into our footprints!

Enough.

-We haven't finished yet!
-I've got the idea already.

As my dark-browed guest said,

and I agree with him here,
it's Soviet kitsch and fake ethnic style.

What?

Where is the expressiveness?

The narrative?
You're singing for the people!

You haven't heard
our Et si tu n'existais pas yet.

Let's sum it up.
We have no show, no master of ceremonies.

Dad, you can't treat
the artists like this.

Come on! Artists?

They don't even have a rider!

-Vasyl Romanovych!
-Au revoir, as we say in France.

Dad, did you have to be like that?
What shall we do now?

Katrusia, relax. You'll have your wedding.
Dad will organize it.

-In a month or two.
-When?

You're right. In a year!

A wedding isn't an Independence day,
we can wait.

Daddy, why the hell have we come here?

We need to get married!

You're so hot-tempered and impatient.

It's your biggest day,
and you want to prepare it in a week?

You're funny.

Katherine, is the wedding being postponed?

I came here as Kateryna Seredyuk,
and I'll leave as Kateryna Abomeyang.

Can't we find another restaurant?

Excuse me for butting in.

I've heard you accidentally,
and have something to say:

restaurants are for cheap asses.

Qu'est-ce que c'est cheap asses?

Don't you trust me? Ask Olia.

Olia!

-What?
-Come here, quick.

-Hi.
-Tell

them why we had your wedding
reception not at a restaurant

but here in our front yard.

Because you're a cheap ass.

Because that's what our ancestors
used to do!

-Is it a Ukrainian tradition?
-An ancient one.

It's not a bad idea.

It's hot at the restaurant.
Here we'll have fresh air.

Ashotik and I could help you
with the drinks.

-Fruit juice, mineral water, the booze.
-Cool.

But our yard isn't big enough
for all the guests.

I have a cool idea.

Are you crazy? Did you have a sun stroke?

Taking down the fence! Do you want me
to let Taras live in my house, too?

-Dad, it's just for the wedding.
-Temporarily.

OK.

The fence has been here since
my grandfather's time.

It's a family tradition.

-Mom, you were on our side!
-What?

How could you… Yes…

All right! This isn't over.

Remember: no one will touch this fence!

Goddamned foreigners!

Coming to our country!

Bastards.

Today it's the fence, and tomorrow?
My house?

And build a mall instead?

Vasyl Romanovych.
Shut up or they will draw a business plan!

What's the problem?

We'll put the fence back

and will celebrate a European
wedding with Armenian brandy.

I swear to my mom, it will be super cool!

There will be no wedding!
As long as I'm alive.

What, Daddy?

I was going to say… that…

That you want your daughter to be happy.

More than anything.

You dream about Europe.
Let's do it the European way.

In a democratic style.

Who is for taking down the fence

and having the reception
in the front yard?

Dad! Are you stupid?

-Who's against it?
-I… abstained.

Excuse me, is this the Podillya Skinheads
recruiting booth?

You raise them, you give all your heart
to them, and then…

they betray you.

Maybe our girls were cursed.

There's a lot of envy around.

Somebody put a black evil eye on them…

especially on yours.

God, how can I escape it?

Never mind.

Let them get married.

They'll be a caution tale for other kids.

Maybe they'll ask for their father's
permission before making a proposal.

Right!

I wish I thought about it myself.

Thank you, Adamovych.
That's what we're going to do.

My dear Katrusia and you, Francois.

I'm sorry for overreacting a bit.

It's all because of the heavy stress.

Is something wrong at work?

Don't worry about it.
You need to think about your wedding,

not old Seredyuk's problems.

Don't bottle it up,
so that you won't have to apologize later.

Fine. When we had our first born,

I dream about the day

when boys would come to our house
to ask for her hand in marriage.

But we are already engaged!

There goes my dream.

It's such a beautiful Ukrainian tradition.

Is it ancient?

I'm in!

Thank God. I knew it would end well.

Now we can all go to sleep.

I made your bed in that room.

What do you mean… go to sleep? Together?

Why not? We are getting married.

Before the wedding?

Our guest can't sleep in a regular bed
before the wedding.

He needs a special place.

Am I to sleep in here?

It's the tradition.

You need to cleanse before the wedding.

Did you have other plans?

Come on… OK… Fine…

Well, avec plaisir!

Good night. Have the sweetest dreams.

-Are you staying?
-Of course.

I'll be guarding you.

So that nobody wakes you up

and you have no chance to…

Tell me the truth.
Did you and Katya do it in Paris?

It?

Well…

God forbid.

Thank God.

Sleep well.

You're safe here.

Francois, get up!
Your security will wake up soon.

Eh? What?

-What's wrong?
-I was just trying to cleanse.

That is not necessary anymore.

How was your night?

Be honest.

It was… magnifique.

See? You did not have to worry.

All right, make your bed, and I'll
go arrange your seeking in marriage.

Goddamn you and your pepper!

Tell them at the garage I sent you.

They'll turn this rusty bucket
into an iron monster. Go!

Taras!

Did you recognize them?
Vitya and Svyatoslav.

They used to hit on Katya. Svyatoslav!

I was chasing him
into the woods with a rifle.

That's when he started stuttering.
It was such fun!

I followed your advice.

They'll come to propose to Katya.

Not just them but everybody I ever scared,
hunted away, threatened –

I gave them all the green light.

Come on! I got rid of them then,

and I can do it again in a month.

The priority now is cancelling
this hasty wedding.

You're right.

Francois will lose all his chances today.

Enjoy your meal, everyone.

Thanks. I've had my dessert already.

Dad, how can you drink this stuff?

You're poisoning yourself.

Why are the neighbors running around
their front yard like it's Easter?

Vasyl has come up with this stupid idea.

He invited Katya's ex-want-to-be-boy
friends to propose to her.

He thinks she'll change
her mind and dump her fiancé.

This is even better.

More guests will come
to a local guys' wedding,

so we'll make more money.

No way. Who'll want her?
She came with a black guy.

So what?

Who gives a damn
who comes with whom? Right, baby?

Of course.

If she were pregnant
with the Frenchman's baby, then…

Well, done deal.

Our Francois has rooted into Ukraine.

I didn't want to tell you.

Vasyl asked me to keep it a secret.

Now I see why they are in such
a hurry about the wedding.

She's at least 9 weeks pregnant.

I forgot!
I need to go… to the store, to work.

I need to go to work, too.
I mean, to the market. Whatever!

-Baby!
-Eh?

Well, Bambi? Did you see me conning them?

Your dad doesn't like me, does he?

It's just that Dad
always hides his emotions.

He's thrilled.

Are you sure?

I'm sure you only need to worry
about me liking you.

Or are you going to propose to my dad?

I thought I had no competition.

I want to marry you!

No!

First we need to have
a traditional courtship.

It will be so cool!

I'm ready for any crazy tests.

The candidates for the bride's
hand in marriage are:

Colonel Francois of Kaniv…

and Suleiman Kai Kumar!

Dear knights, remember:

a Cossack wedding without a beheading

is considered a dull one.

Let the marriage brokerage begin!

You have the goods, we have the buyer.

Don't be in a rush.
First sit down at the table.

Right.

We'll get to it later.

What's going on?

You see… Some people found out
about the marriage brokerage

and decided to try their luck.

Dad, I already have a fiancé.

With only one candidate,
it's not a marriage brokerage

but simply an appointment on a position.

Let him prove he's the most worthy.

Catherine, relax.

I'll court them all the way to Texas.

Dad, bring them on.

Yes.

I couldn't get rid of you all when
you weren't needed, and now…

IVANA FRANKA STREET

God… Why him? Why not you?

I'd call you son,
and you'd call me father.

Father, how can we get to Letychiv?
Is this the way?

You gave me your angel's wings…

I told you so!

Thank you, father. Let's go.

YOUNG WOLF

…over the world like a white bird

I love…

Stop!

I said stop!

Guys, what's wrong? Where have you been?

No, Uncle Vasya.

It's too late.

Your Katya is already…

Anyway, it's too late.

She's only 22. When if not now?

We understand,
but we don't want any trouble.

It's no cool.

Wait. Why no cool? Svyatoslav, I promise!

I'll never take that gun again.

Come inside!

Now only Igor the Weirdo
might propose to your Katya,

if his mommy lets him.

Go.

Stop! I'll shoot!

Who is this Igor?

Is this Igor's house?

What did you want from him?

I'm marrying off my daughter.
I'm looking for a decent candidate.

Who is your daughter?

Kateryna Seredyuk, the best bride
from here and all the way to France.

Is this her?

-Yes.
-I'm Igor.

You brought him;
you can marry him yourself.

Is that how you treat me?

I arrange the marriage brokerage for her,
bringing the most handsome guys,

and she's so ungrateful! Right…

It's a gift from my mom.

Take this one; it's chipped.

Baby, don't be so stubborn.

Let Dad have fun with his thing.

-Mom.
-Think about it!

Look at this guy and your Francois?

All right.

Let your marriage brokerage begin.

The courtship is open!

Candidates, get to your positions.

Stop, stop, you fighting roosters!
No violence in my house.

A tournament… on Ukraine's history.

What did Kryvonis say
after the battle of Korsun?

«Kiss my ass, you shitty Poles»!

How can one not know it?

White wash!

Welcome to the family.

Hands off! Hands off my son.

You know what it's called? Kidnapping!

Mom, I've won a bride.

When you win all-Ukraine
cyber sports championship…

-I'll get married?
-You'll go to the European one. Come on.

No! Wait! The proposal has taken place.

Now your son as a decent man is obliged
to take my daughter for a wife.

It won't happen.

She obviously prefers
this black currant to my raspberry boy.

Come on.

What? Galya!

What's going on? Galya? Turn me over!

So long, happy days.

How did Igor's mother get there?

The mother's heart knows.

It's fine. I'll have it my way anyway.

Romanovych, relax.

Accept it, as I have accepted.

Do you think Taras wanted
this husband for his daughter?

No.

It's because you're a pussy.

-Who?
-You.

My word is the law in my family.

-But in this case I stepped down.
-Because you're a fool.

I'm telling you, accept it.

Don't stand in the way of her happiness.

Our kids are smart.

They know what they want.

They don't need parents' advice.

They have the Google, the computer…

Kids, you say?

You know, you're right!

They know.

They know everything.

Thank you.

Romanovych!

-What are you up to?
-Clearing a level from some zombies.

Really? Good to know.

When they ask me how I am doing,

I'll say: «Great.

My son is growing into an idiot,
but there are no zombies in our house».

Son, I bought you the laptop

so that you could keep up with other kids.

-And you have no interests at all.
-Why do you think so?

Look, your sister is getting married.

To a French guy.

And you don't even know how
they celebrate weddings in Europe.

Dad, it's the same there.

The traditions, the preparation?

The preparation, too.

Wait, they have stag parties, too.

Say it again using normal language.

OK, bachelor night.

The groom and his friends get drunk,

and in the end they fool
around with strippers.

Where did you see it?

It's a movie. A comedy.

The groom was caught with a stripper,
and the wedding was cancelled.

That's good.

So I haven't wasted my money
on this laptop, after all.

-Good job!
-Dad.

OK, get back to your… zombies.

My dear Katrusia and you… son-in-law.

I'm sorry for overreacting.

It's all because of the heavy stress.

I'm not angry.

But you're pouting.

Dad is overreacting because he's worried.
We don't have much time.

I don't want the whole Europe to see me…

Vasya!

Do you remember what day it is?

Are you going to do it here?

Where else?

We could use the bedroom,
but Zakhar's room is next door,

and your brother hates
it when Daddy is moaning.

Catherine, is this a tradition, too?

You think we don't know
your European traditions?

Tomorrow, Vasyl Seredyuk is organizing
a bachelor party

for his future son-in-law.

I'm in. What the hell is this?

You'll find out tomorrow. Get ready.

This is the first time I hear about it.

Women don't need to know.

Don't worry. Everything will be according
to old conservative Podillya traditions.

Conservative, you say?

Of course. Taras will be there.

Doesn't it prove
that everything will be decent?

Taras is not a proof but your accomplice.

I'll take Zakhar along.

Even if someone thinks
of something nasty, with a kid around…

You know.

-Word of honor!
-Now I believe you.

Adamovych, are you free tonight?

I've done the laundry. All I need is…

to do the dishes
and vacuum the living room.

Then I'll be free. Why?

I'm organizing a bachelor party
for the Frenchman.

You're invited.

You? Doing something for your son-in-law?

-Yep.
-Wow.

It's called a bachelor party.
Shall we party?

Listen, Romanovych, I'd gladly come,
but… you're hiding something.

So, I don't know.

You old fox!

Nothing goes past you. All right.

It's not just a party. It's a trap.

A stripper?

Are you out of your mind?

Where will you find one in this town?

Don't we have pretty girls?

Maybe we do,

but nobody will strip. And for free…

Maybe some lonely girl nobody wants.

Vasyl Romanovych, have a heart!
What are you talking about?

Why not? Have you never taken
your clothes off? Are you scared of men?

It's the other way round.

But it's a bit embarrassing, you know.

Come on.

Five minutes of shame for you,
a lifetime memory

for the Frenchman.

Sorry, but no.

50 SHADES OF GREY TIME

Don't say no just yet.

What is Ukraine's biggest pride?

Our women.

Let's show Europe

the most beautiful
one in our district center.

Come on! The most beautiful one?

Don't be shy.

Mother Nature gave you your fair share.

You're the best candidate
for playing femme fatale.

Vasyl Romanovych, stop it.
You're making me blush.

Also, it's tit for tat.

Remember, you wanted a meeting
with that writer…

Kokotiukha?

Right! I've already talked to him.

I'm ready! When?

Tonight at the local history museum.
Do you have a proper attire?

-For Kokotiukha?
-For stripping.

First, a private dance,
and then Kokotiukha.

-Whatever you say.
-See you tonight.

NEW POST

Dad, why is the cart so heavily loaded?

Don't worry. It's all for you.

Will it be something special?

Believe me, our Yablunivka has
never seen anything like that.

Glory! Glory!

With a face like this,
no Russian will recognize him.

Aren't we having fun?

Eh, guys?

Right. How much longer?

Hush! Look at the party animal there!

OK, guys. I was going to save
it for later, but… let's party!

Checkers, domino, holubtsi?

I trust your Goddamn choice, Dad!

Help yourselves.

I'll go check
whether the main surprise is ready.

They thought they'd be
the only ones partying.

Bachelor party, they call it!

Whatever they call it,
it ends up with everybody drunk as hell.

Who wants a drink?
I strongly recommend it.

-Let's drink to my daughter.
-Let's drink.

Katya, to you,

to your happy family life.

Bottoms up!

My throat is sore;
I need to wet my whistle.

Mom, you should slow it down.

Remember these words. They'll come
in handy on your wedding night.

We can ease it up tonight.

It's a prewedding night, after all.

A bachelorette party, as they say.

A chick party,
as my Ashotik would call it.

Are you ready?

I need 20 more minutes, Vasyl Romanovych.

In 20 minutes I'll turn on the music,
and it'll be your cue.

Not too spicy, but… It's fine.

Next time I'll ask Ashot for his recipe.

My Francois doesn't drink at all.

That's bad.

Look.

I'm two his drinking
bouts away from this bag.

Do they sell grooming brushes,
by any chance?

I'm getting allergic
to your Ashotik's fur.

Can you believe it?

They do!

Well?

Father, when do we go home?

I'm tired of partying.

Be patient. The night is still young.
Where is Taras?

He ate and went for a fag.

Great idea.

You need some fresh air, too.

Come on, go!

Chill out a bit, you troublemaker!

Soon you'll feel hot. Come on.

Come on, go, go.

Zakhar, run home and call your sister.

Tell her that her French guy
has ordered a stripper.

Oho!

-Dad, why don't you go get Katya?
-Zakhar!

Come on!

Well… bless me.

Look at my Ashotik.

A passionate guy from the Caucasus
bursting with testosterone.

But he can only last two hours per night.

I never look at the watch
when I'm with your dad.

With him, I'd have to use a stopwatch.

Auntie Galya! What about your husband?

-Let's have a drink.
-Let's do it.

Katya, Katya!

You won't believe it!

Is Dad fighting with Francois?

Even better!
A naked chick is coming there!

Who?

Ukrainian women have long been
believed Europe's most beautiful.

Why?

You'll probably say your
Holy Inquisition is to blame.

But it happened quite a while ago.

We, on the other hand,
preserve our gene pool.

Stop interrupting me!

You Westerners look
at our girls with lust.

-Right?
-Right.

My friends like Catherine as much as I do.

You're right on time. Have a seat.

One,

two,

three!

Open up! Open the door, Vasyl Romanovych!

I'll be right back.

Open it, Vasyl Romanovych! It's time.

-Why did you lock the door?
-I didn't.

Hurry up. Everybody's waiting.

Just a sec.

-Could you help me?
-What's wrong?

My corset came undone while I was waiting.

-I don't know how it's done.
-Just pull.

-Like this?
-Harder!

-Is that better?
-Harder, Vasyl Romanovych, harder!

You dirty dog!

Baby, I can explain!

How nice.

Galya, isn't that enough?

You're punished, Seredyuk.

Mom, it's late.
Maybe we should have some sleep.

Some people need sleep,
and others need to work!

I'll keep an eye on him. I promise.

Fine.

Make sure he does the dishes, too.

Katrusia, I knew if someone
supported me it would be you.

-Dad, we need to talk.
-So you aren't here to bail me out.

I know how much you love me
and care about me.

I appreciate it.

But I think you need to calm down.

Shit!

It's rotten.

Listen to me.

I love Francois.

I really do.

Believe me,
your daughter will be happy with him.

What's so special about him?

He's… so romantic,

so caring,

so sensitive.

I've never seen a man like him.

And if he's… not the same color
as you and me, what does it matter?

Katrusia, tell me one thing.

Do you really want to be his wife?

Yes. A lot.

Then you will be.

All right.

Dad has given up…

but he won't calm down

until he organizes the best wedding
in Podillya for his daughter.

Daddy!

Just in time.

I was thinking,
what is a wedding without potato pies?

We can't help you.

We have reservations on this date.

It's our mayor's grandson's
christening party.

You saw the fiancé my daughter
had brought home.

My eyes dimmed!

I was confused!
In a state of temporary insanity!

Any court would acquit me.

Nazar, ask your friend

not to interrupt our rehearsal
of the Grain Grower Day!

Vasyl Romanovych,
there's nothing left to say.

Go have your party,

and we need to rehearse our…
fake ethnic-style performance.

I'm sorry.

-Good luck with your creative work.
-Thank you.

We'll have to deal with it somehow.

At least we'll save money on your pay…

and the rider.

Wait!

Are you going to meet
our rider requirements?

-We agree.
-And the mayor's christening?

No rider, no party.

Do you accept credit cards?

Vasyl Romanovych, it won't work this time.

Take a picture of the card.

Quick, quick! Set the tables.

Are the musicians ready?

Stop! What's this?

You said it will be your cognac.

It is ours. I swear on my mom.

OURS

True story.

Are you going to poison people
with this detergent?

Do you have normal cognac?

No problem. We do. It's French.

-Well?
-500 hryvnias a bottle.

Well, your cognac is not so bad.
Bring it on.

Vasyl Romanovych.

The musicians are ready.

The newlyweds will come
after the photo shoot.

-So we're ready.
-Yes, we are.

Welcoming the newlyweds,
throwing the rice,

father's speech,
and marriage registration.

-Whose speech?
-Haven't you prepared one?

Who, me?

I'll improvise a speech
worthy of publishing in a book.

I don't need to prepare anything.

«My dear Katrusia and…»

How shall I call you?

Oh! «And my precious son-in-law».

D-E-A-R…

No.

Precious, cheap…

They'll say I'm hinting at slave trade.

What do I call you?

«And…»

Oh! «My Afro-European son-in-law».

Afro… European.

No.

This sounds like racial intolerance,
Vasyl Romanovych.

You'll be slapped with sanctions.

What did I do to deserve this?

What have I done wrong?

Dad, Katya called. They are on their way.

So soon? Let them hang around a bit.

Look… Do you want me to find
a speech for you on the internet?

What?

Me, Vasyl Seredyuk,
plagiarizing someone else's speech?

Never! How could you even think of it?

Shame on you!

OK… How did he say it was done?

You type Google…

Google…

SEARCH

Here.

What do I ask you?

Love!

Love needs to be one of the keywords.

Also, something about the newlyweds.

LOVE WHITE GIRL

LOVE WHITE GIRL AND BLACK GUY

My friends like Catherine as much as I do.

Catherine is great.

Fine.

The sun is shining, amour, bonsoir!
Today we are marrying Cossack Francois.

The groom is waiting, fine and steady,

and his bride is almost ready.

Birds are in the sky, pretty as a peach,

and the bride's father
is giving us a speech.

Vasyl Romanovych! Speech!

It's time!

It's time!

Zakhar!

Everybody, freeze!
I'm rescuing my daughter.

Your wedding is over!

Dad, what's wrong?

Vasya, put the gun down
before you shoot yourself!

Everybody, step back!

Go! Go!

Calm down!

Daddy, calm down.

I'll calm you down once and for all!

I know what you're up to.

You freak!

Yes, I said that.

Come on!

Come on! Go!

Hi, It's Francois Crazy.

I'm in Ukraine, and I've been
taken hostage at my own wedding.

Right. Tell your gang it won't work.

I rescued her!

You'll have to do
to your bastard friends

what you were going to do to her.

Dad, you have to put the gun here.

Super!

Sometimes, weddings in Ukraine
end without even starting.

Dad, maybe you'll leave the shows
to the artists?

Baby, one day you'll understand.

If you only knew who your Francois is!

I know everything about him.

He's a future doctor,
extreme sportsman, video blogger.

I've seen his video!

I don't need this kind of extreme.

Here comes the cavalry!

There are always uninvited guests
at a Ukrainian wedding.

Attention! Colonel Popadyuk speaking.

Terrorist Seredyuk,

release the hostage,
put down your weapons, and come out.

Before the storm starts, like the video
and subscribe to my channel.

True extreme, true hardcore!

I'm not a terrorist.

Terrorist Seredyuk,
I don't negotiate with terrorists.

Capitulate and release your son-in-law.

I don't have a son-in-law.

There was no wedding and won’t be any.

Dad, how could you?

You gave me your word.

I know nothing about that.
I have no son-in-law.

You have no daughter either!

What did you say?

You heard me.
Either you give us your blessings, or…

Attack!

This is Ukraine,
and this is my crazy wedding.

Raisa Mykhailivna, what?

It's an extensive infarction.
He needs an urgent surgery.

So operate!

Are you kidding?

This is a local hospital.

The only surgeon we have
is in our street's address:

3, Amosov St.

So nothing can be done!?

There is something.

Father Yevlampiy!

Oh my God.

Don't worry.

We'll give him the best memorial service.

We're the best in Ukraine.

It is better than the movies!

The SWAT, the shooting!

I'd be shitting bricks.

So you got the adrenalin you were chasing?

Yes. It's so cool here!

The things about Ukraine
on the internet aren't true.

It's not that much
different from our country.

See, they have a hospital.

OK, Jean, I gotta go.

Franik, let's go get your instruments.

-You'll operate on my dad.
-Me? Catherine, it's impossible.

Why?

Dad had a heart stroke,
and you are a cardio surgeon.

Wait. I'm just studying
to become a cardio surgeon.

I have assisted professor a couple times,

but I was only passing instruments to him.

You said you did a surgery!

Yes! On a frog.

And it didn't survive.

Darling, I can't do this!

They must have a surgeon at this hospital.

You are the best cardio surgeon
in this hospital.

You'll have to do it.

I love you very much.

But it's very impossible.

The risk is too high.

Are you talking about risk?

You, Francois Abomeyang?

Known to the whole Paris as Crazy?

Take a risk not for the internet likes
but for me.

SURGERY IS UNDERWAY

You are under arrest, Vasyl Romanovych.

Me?

What for?

Taking a hostage, a murder attempt.

You're in big trouble.

Don't you remember anything?

And your heart attack?

Vasyl Romanovych,
you're leaving us too soon!

You haven't paid us the rest.

What are you doing?

Calm down, Mr. MC.

We'll deal with it. He might be faking it.

Thank God.

I thought I lost my pay.

Am I at the hospital?

I thought Galya
had plugged me into a hooch still.

Do you at least remember that the person
who saved your life was a French citizen…

F. G. Abomeyan?

Vasya!

Have they fed you?

My dear!

I'm fine, I'm good.

I'm sorry, but not quite.

-Was he trying to escape?
-Galya, wait.

I'm under arrest.

They say I took some hostages.

It's called terrorism.

Oh God. What are you trying to say?

Vasyl Seredyuk,
the local history museum director.

He's as much of a terrorist as…

as a cow can be a motorbike.

That's not what my bosses think.

I'm going to the regional center tomorrow

to receive my medal.

This is how it will look.

And you'll send a sick man to jail
because of some piece of metal?

Calm down, ma'am.

Nobody's sending him to jail right now.

Only when he recovers.

Excuse me.

What hostages?

Do you have a complaint?

Are you kidding me, Mr… F. G. Abomeyan?

You were his hostage!

He threatened to kill you.

I don't remember any threat.

There was no taking hostages.

It was a prank!

You know… Even if you're a foreigner, Mr…

F.G.,

I won't allow you to make
a fool out of me.

The whole town saw this act of terrorism.

Who saw it?

Catherine?

Mom?

Do you have any witnesses?

No, I don't. But…

I have a video.

Here. Voila!

On the floor, face down!

Colonel, don't show it on yourself.
It's a bad sign.

Where is this terrorist?
I'll make a hole in him!

-Behind you.
-Gotcha, bastard!

Who fired without my signal?

Can you only watch it on French phones?

Can they watch it
at the police department as well?

I see.

Cheers!

Good luck to the newlyweds.

Thank you… son.

This is the second time you saved my life.

You're welcome, Daddy.

Dad, get well soon.

I want you to dance at our wedding.

You have my blessings… kids.

THREE MONTHS LATER

Dear guests, a minute of your attention.

The sun is shining for a peach,

the father gives a wedding speech.

When I first saw my future son-in-law,

I wished for the ground to swallow me up.

Was I going to have a black son-in-law?

Daddy!

I was scared of what people would say.

We Ukrainians are scared of it the most.

That's why we don't listen to our hearts.

We want everybody to like us,

instead of enjoying life as it is

and looking deeper inside.

Then we can see that it doesn't matter
what color your skin is.

What matters is his

brave heart,

skilled hands,

and the fact that my daughter
is happy with him.

What else would a loving father want?

What can we say after these words?
Cheers to the newlyweds.

Cheers! Cheers!

This is the best day of my life
And I don't need to go back

I love you like crazy

You're my beloved bride!

This is the best day

And no song can convey

How much I love you

This is the best day of my life
Because you're mine

Want to hear interesting
toasts and speeches?

Subscribe to my channel!
Vasyl «Crazy» Seredyuk.

I'm happy!
I'm dancing!

I'm happy!
I'm singing!

I kiss you…

Well?

Do you know what this is?

It's called a rider.

What does it say?

Five stars. How many do we have here?

-Three at most.
-Replace it.

Throwing up again?
Am I going to have my drink today or not?

Why are you so sulky?

Why? My son-in-law told me they'd
call the baby either Armen or Gayane.

What could be worse?

Francois promised me

their first born will be called
either Anna after the Ukrainian princess,

or Hryhory after Skovoroda.

Hryhory Abomeyang!

Sounds good.

We have great children.

To their health!

Dear guests and family!

Welcome Uliana.

This is all for Kokotiukha.

Mom, find yourself a job.

I've just found my love.

This is the best day of my life
And I don't need to go back

I love you like crazy

You're my beloved bride!

This is the best day…

Father!

Is this the right way to Kyiv?

What happened?

You see…

There he is!

Where are you running, Oleg?

Quick!

Armenia isn't Asia.

Even if Ashot…

Don't look at him. Look at the car.

Shh, shh. What are you, what are you?

I want to say hi!

Penguin!

-Who are you?
- I'm Jimmy.

- Are you Jimmy?
-No.

He is Jimmy.

In our family, I'm… a man of my word.

You're the boss!

-Listen… Jim Carrey.
-What?

This is a crazy wedding.

And what is that? What, what, what?

You never tore a shirt on Oleg Vinnyk?

Cheers! But it's not for us.