Original subtitles

Being an adult is\N80% misery.

[Whimsical tune plays]

I think you're at 80.

I'm at 30.

[Clinking]

I do think the press\Nmay pick up the poem,

[Snickers]\Nonce they hear it.

He abandoned us.

He abandoned you.

Now, he's moving back.

They want me to make a list\Nof people to fire.

They were concerned\Nthat you might panic,

but I said, "No!\NThey're all adults."

Railton is just a town\Nthat can suck you in.

Are you trying\Nto get me to leave?

[ "Won't You Tell Your Dreams?"\Nby Lee Hazelwood playing]

* Da, da...\Nda, da, da, da, da *

* I've learned to do\Nsome simple things *

* Like lock the door

* And shut the lights

[Young Hank's parents arguing]

* And pay the paperboy\Non time *

* And try and miss you\Nless each night *

[parents arguing]

* So please won't you\Ntell your dreams... *

[clock chiming]

* ...To leave my room alone?

[clock chiming]

* Please won't you\Ntell your dreams *

* To leave my room alone?

[clock chiming]

* Da, da...\Nda, da, da, da, da *

* Da, da...\Nda, da, da, da, da... *

* Da, da...\Nda, da, da, da, da *

* Da, da...\Nda, da, da, da, da... *

[groans]

[**]

[**]

[**]

[phone ringing]

Tom, this isn't a good time.

You got it!

What do you mean?\NYou said that--

I know,\Nbut they loved you, Lil.

They want you to start\Nas soon as you can.

Okay. Slow down.

I didn't say I could take this.\NYou know that.

I know that,

but this is a great school,

and you'd love it here.

You had all these ideas\Nabout education back in school.

We'll do them here,\Nand you know it will be funded.

[door opens]

Okay. I have to go.

Talk to Hank, and then come.

You deserve this.

Okay. Thank you. Bye.

Hey.

Hi.

I was just looking at\Nthe grandfather clock out there,

in the pod.

It's a nice piece.

Your father's clock?

The clock that I possess\Non my property.

When is that pod going?

I'm going to keep the clock.

You want it in the house?

That piece is different.

I always thought\Nof it as a friend.

Oh. That's sweet.

Hey, we're missing\Ntwo settings.

We are not.

Well, how many are we?

Um...

Billie, Gracie,

Teddy, June,

Rourke, Joanie, Emma.

I'm missing someone.

Finny, and us.

You know, one time,

we should throw a dinner party\Nfor people we actually like.

You know, change of pace.

Do you remember

when you accidentally made punch\Nwith 151-proof rum,

and Gracie fell asleep\Nunder the table?

That was fun.

Although with the budget cuts,\NI don't know.

This year might be grim.

Ten water glasses.

You know, tonight is about\Nlowering expectations.

That way, we might be\Npleasantly surprised.

That was almost optimism.

No, No, no.

I know what's going to happen.

One of these bozos\Nis going to break down crying.

It happens every year.

And then...

another bozo will reveal

something embarrassing\Nand personal,

and we're all left sitting there\Nstaring at each other,

wondering what the hell's\Ngoing on?

All right.

Eyes wide open.

When did you check\Nthe stew last?

[doorbell rings]

Okay, eight minutes early.

That'll be the Washington-Chens.

- Shall we?\N- [phone ringing]

Oh, I have to take this.\NI'll just be a minute.

Hey, Ash.

I wonder\Nwho does their landscaping.

This is-- this is\Nwhat chair money gets you, huh?

I guess so.

Hey!

- Hey!\N- Hi. How are you?

Right in there,\Nyeah, yeah.

No, I need your help\Nwith something.

Oh. Oh. Um...

Hi.

[Ashley]\NYou're coming to New York!

Oh, no.

No. It's just an offer.\NI'm not taking it.

I can't. There's just--

You know, there's just\Ntoo many obstacles.

Oh. But you want to, right?

I mean...

if there was\Nno other considerations,

then of course I want to.

Oh. Hmm. Is Hank mad\Nabout what happened?

Nothing happened.

Oh, you didn't tell him.

Nothing happened.

Well, look, no, right.

I wouldn't have told\Nmy husband either.

Come on.

Look, he surprised me.

I was on the phone,\NI wasn't even paying attention.

It was nothing.

It looks heavy.

You can't see weight.

What if we drop it?

Don't let go with your hands,\Nand we won't drop it.

No! No! Put it down!\NPut it down!

Put it down. Put it down!

What happened?

I panicked.

I can't leave it out here.\NIt's going to rain.

Yeah. Sorry, Hank.

My brass band plays Sunday,

and, you know, the French horn,

it's much more\Nlatissimus-centric

than most people think.

I can't risk a strain.

Oh, Lil. I can't wait\Nfor your ass to get here.

I mean, I'm not as eager\Nas Tom or anything.

I mean, that guy's,\Nlike, drooling for you.

- Okay, stop it.\N- [door closes]

Okay, I gotta go.

Make yourself something. I--

- Was it Teddy and June?\N- Yeah.

Are you okay?

I got the job.\NThe Arlyle job.

You did?\NThat's amazing!

I mean, of course you did.

You're amazing.

- I'm so proud of you.\N- Thank you.

I really didn't\Nexpect to get it.

Is it a good offer?

Did you talk specifics?

- We didn't get into it.\N- Yeah.

It's an offer.

Fantastic news.

Oh...

talk about leverage, right?

You are going to bring\NEast Railton High to its knees.

You're going to get\Nso many cleaning supplies,

they're going to give you\Nyour own closet.

Right?

Yeah, totally.

I'm going to be\Nqueen of that place.

[**]

Hello.

Hey.

- Welcome.\N- Thank you.

Uh, Lily?

She's right\Nin the kitchen. Yeah.

Okay. Thanks.

Now, before you come in,

could you help me\Nwith something?

Just that.

Oh! Oh! Would you like me\Nto also bust up a chifforobe?

I'm not your moving company.

[ "Y Sin Embargo Tú Estabas Ahí"\Nby Pippo Spera playing]

[Hank, thinking] Why do people\Nmy age have parties?

I mean, I get it\Nwhen you're in your 20s,

and it's all about getting laid,

but what's in it for us?

I think it's the same reason\Npeople gamble.

The thrill of possibility.

The roll of the die.

Right before the party,

where you think, "What if?

What if I have\Na good conversation?

What if\Na real friendship emerges?

What if Penelope Cruz's car\Nbreaks down outside

and she needs\Nto stay for dinner?"

But then the party starts.

The die is cast,\Nand everybody is a loser.

[in French]\N* ...Par la fenêtre ouverte *

* Posait\Nsur ton corps dénudé... *

Why don't we have\Na view of the lake?

Paul.

- Not again.\N- What?

I shouldn't have this?

It's not the Mediterranean.

It's a modest lake\Nin Pennsylvania.

I can't have a view of it?

Well, I'm very happy\Nwhere we live.

All right,\Nbut you'd be happier here.

Hmm?

Right?

See?

This is some bullshit.

This place should be mine.

Did I tell you I outbid him\Nby ten grand?

Yeah, like a hundred times.

And you also told me

how you showed up here\Nwith a builder

and told that old man\Nthat was selling the place

that you were going\Nto tear down his childhood home.

Yeah, well,\Nthis place was a dump.

Still is.

You know, I bet Hank\Ndoesn't even know what he has.

But if it was mine,

I would clear this path\Nso you could get to the lake.

Build my deck out.

Lily.

Oh, hi.

It's been so long.

- I know.\N- Thanks for doing this.

Thank you for being here.

This is fun.

Hank mentioned you, uh,\Nhad an interview at Arlyle.

He did?

Oh, I forget\Nhe talks about me sometimes.

I know that school.

They're a huge\Na cappella feeder.

Five of the 14 Whiffenpoofs.

Oh, I didn't know.

Yeah.

So?

How'd it go?

It went very well.

Um, I have an offer, actually.

Um, but, you know,

it's very complicated\Nright now, so.

But you're taking it,\Nthough, right?

No.

Are you crazy?

I mean, um...

why not?

Well, I can't take a job\Nin New York right now.

Oh...

That's too bad.

Well, congratulations anyway.

Thanks.

Excuse me.

[Emma] So if I taste it,

it's not like a stroke,\Nit's actually in there.

Yeah, it's not artificial rust,\Nit's real.

[Teddy] Oh, okay.

Real prepared rust.

Great. Perfect.

[Teddy] Okay.

Yeah, and it is just...

Oh, we're still\Ntalking about this.

...such a magnificent animal.

I actually like going

to the school plays\Nof my friends' children.

That's gross.

No. The bottomless need\Nfor attention,

it's not yet ugly,

unlike adult actors.

Doesn't a bottomless\Nneed for attention

make you feel at home?

Why would I think that tonight\Nwould be any different?

I don't know.

You can take the asshole\Nout of the English department,

but you can't take--

No. It's not going\Nto make sense.

Hold on.

You can't take\Nthe English department out of--

Nope.

They can trace\Nits lineage back to 1882.

Whoa.

I can't do that\Nwith my own family.

Well, they hate you, so.

No. Now, if June\Ndoesn't give me a baby

by next year,

I'm getting two.

That's not how babies work.

I'm throwing away\Nher stupid, little cat-dogs.

Oh, okay.

You won't believe\Nwhat I just heard.

Lily got a job offer\Nat the Arlyle School,

and she's not taking it.

- You mean she's taking it.\N- Right?

I mean, she has to take it.

[clears throat]

You know,

if the university really wanted\Nto help with department morale,

they'd give us a stipend\Nto keep us apart.

[Lily chuckles]

Well, maybe\Nwe should take the job.

We'd have a whole new set\Nof circumstances

to complain about.

Yeah, that's true.

And there's New York, of course.

You're not serious, are you?

Maybe I am.

Yeah, but we already\Ntalked about this.

Only in theory.

There was no offer before, so.

It's real now.

- [Gracie] You heard about that.\N- [Billie] Shenanigan.

Yeah. All right.

Well, um...

maybe we should have\Nthis conversation

when we're hosting\Na bigger event,

like a wedding, or a parade.

[Lily chuckles]

Okay. You're right.\NWe'll talk about it later.

Well, sure,

[**]

Oh, hey, guys.

Hi. Yeah.

Ah.

You didn't mention\Na department dinner party.

I did not.\NI wanted you to come over.

Drink?

I think something stronger.

Hello.\NJune, is it?

Tony. We've met\Na couple of times.

Of course.

Hi.

Did I see you're giving\Na talk on The Hunger Games ?

As it relates\Nto the gladiatorial ludi.

I'm doing a seminar\Non the literature of antiquity.

What a perfect way\Nto liven it up.

These kids and their bloodlust.

[June] Mm-hmm.

You know,\Nthey also respond to sex.

Oh?

[June] Yeah.

I show them everything they know\Nabout eroticism in storytelling

can be traced back\Nto the etchings on the pyramids.

In fact,

the very first Egyptian god--

- Atum.\N- Atum, that's right.

He created himself,

but he had no wife,

so in order\Nto beget his children,

Shu and Tefnut,

he masturbated.

Good for him,

but from my own experience\Nwith masturbation,

I'm only hearing half the story.

Does your husband teach\Nsimilar subject matter?

Oh, no.

No. He doesn't get to show\Nhis students Caligula, either.

- [Tony] And you do?\N- [June] Yeah.

[Tony] Wow.

I wish I had some relevant porn

to help my students\Nconnect to philosophy,

but it's tough to rely on\Ntheir attention spans.

- So tough.\N- Right?

Well, you should\Ncome to my talk.

I will.

It's a date.

Okay.

Great.

- You can have her, you know.\N- What?

They have an open marriage.

Interesting.

So what are the ethics\Nof this situation?

Do I just hit on\Na married woman

in front of her husband\Nwithout feeling badly?

Is that how this works?

No. There's\Na whole protocol involved.

How do you know this?

Teddy has the hots\Nfor Lily, but--

Let's put it down.

...June vetoed it.

You know, don't sleep\Nwith the boss' wife.

I'm letting him think\Nthat's the only obstacle.

All right.\NGood to go?

Lily can't get the dream\Nof moving to New York

out of her head.

It's a 20-year fantasy.

Well, if she wants\Nto go so bad,

why aren't you guys\Nthere already?

Because it's a fantasy.

She doesn't really want to go.

Is that what you want?

Are you kidding me?\NWhat do I want?

How the hell do I know\Nwhat I want?

[Finny] Gentlemen.

Oh.

Is this the same bottle of wine

that we've been giving\Neach other since you got tenure?

The one and the same.

Aw, that is so sweet.

I'll take it inside.

You know, I got this--

Good?

I should have been a surgeon.

- Yes. There we go.\N- Oh, missed that.

[Finny] ...like redundancy...

[grandfather clock ticking]

[indistinct party conversation\Ncontinues]

[**]

[**]

Wow. Look at this feast.

I've got to be careful\Nnot to have too much stew.

Yeah. Watch your mouth.

Yeah. Hmm.

So, Lil.

Congratulations on the job.

Oh, June's been talking.

[chuckling]

Well, it sounds like\Nan opportunity

too impossible to pass up.

- Thank you, Paul.\N- Right?

Well, listen, guys, um,

if you're headed to New York,

I'm still interested\Nin this place.

[Lily] You're still--\NWe've lived here for 18 years.

18?

No one should live\Nin the same place for 18 years.

We'll keep that in mind.

We're not going anywhere.

[Rourke] All right. All right.

All right. Yeah.

Um, but, you know,\NI'll make you a nice offer.

Ah. Got it.

I'll go 5% over market value.

Honey, they said no.

You'll need every penny\Nin New York.

Those places are for real.

Yeah, but\Nwe're not selling, right?

Just because you get\Nan offer for something

doesn't mean that you have to--

Wait. Wait. Wait, wait.

We were going to talk\Nabout it later, right?

So we'll get back to you.

Wha-- Wait. What?

- [glass shattering]\N- Whoa! Cosmo down!

Here I come.

[**]

Hey, June.

Tony.

I heard that you--

What?

Well, uh, what did I hear?

What was it?

That-- What are you into?\NWhat's your jam?

What is my jam?

Um, uh, we hike, a lot.

Mm, no.

That wasn't it.

[Teddy] Hey.

Hey. Hi.

That's your husband, right here.

[June] There you go.

There he is,\Nand that's his drink,

so that's great.

Um, we were just talking\Nabout hiking,

and, um, if you had\Nany great routes,

or other interests

completely different\Nfrom hiking.

I'm super interested in all--

Let's just stick to hiking,\Nbecause that's a great--

Oh. No, yeah.\NYeah, yeah.

We took a great hike\Nthrough Jasper Park.

- Jasper.\N- Yeah, yeah.

Enter in\Nthrough the south side,

and keep taking\Nthe center trail.

Great.

- Yeah. It's beautiful.\N- Oh, yeah, great.

Um, and when you do hiking...

do you--

is it just\Nthe two of you hiking?

When you hike...

together?

Or sometimes, like,\Nyou hike separately.

Or is there, like, a club?

Do you go--

Do you do hiking\Nwith other hikers and people?

Are you asking us out?

June. Just June.

You didn't have to pretend

you were interested\Nin our hiking routes.

Sorry.\NAlthough I am a hiker myself,

and appreciate suggestions.

Hey. Can I ask you something?

Hmm?

Do you think\NLily's going to take that job?

Yeah.

Oh, I thought--\NUm, I don't know.

Um, maybe?

She wants to.

I thought for sure\Nshe'd take it.

Yeah. It's the opportunity\Nof a lifetime.

Why wouldn't she, right?

Yeah. So the conversation\Nwe were having before this one--

Yeah. You were flirting\Nwith my wife.

Yeah.

So, did I cross a boundary,

or am I within the framework?

And if so, are we talking\Nsomething happening?

Because that would be\Npretty fantastic.

We'll get back to you.

Okay.

Fair enough.

Good, well, good.

I look forward\Nto your response.

- Cheers.\N- Don't do that.

Did he just bow\Nbecause I'm Asian?

I think that was a bow, yeah.

[Finny] I love Jack Nicholson\Nin Chinatown.

And, you know,

Faye Dunaway is so beautiful\Nin that movie.

[Emma] Oh, my gosh, I know.

[Finny] I could just\Nwatch her for... forever.

[Emma] So tragic.

[Finny] Yeah. I mean, I could--

I could watch her read\Nthe telephone book because...

- Who couldn't?\N- ...she's so delightful.

Do you know\Nthat Robert Towne

didn't even want\Nthe last line to be,

"Forget it, Jake,\Nit's Chinatown."

- That's the best line.\N- It's the best line!

Did you guys ever finish\Nyour argument about Pinocchio ?

[chuckles]

Well, "argument"\Nis a little strong.

Interpretation is,\Nby its nature,

a bit of a sticky wicket.

What were the issues again?

Oh, yeah. It's racist,

and it's filled with allusions\Nto child slavery

and demented Christian ideology.

Yeah, except it's not.

[Gracie screaming]

I'm being published\Nin The Atlantic !

Oh.

They're--\NThey're publishing me!

That's wonderful.

Congratulations.

That's--

Yeah, so are you okay?

[Rourke] Yay.

[Gracie shrieking]

- Wonderful.\N- [shrieks]

[applauding]

[shrieks]

[gasps]

I need a minute.

[shrieks]

[Hank, thinking]\NI've never been that excited

about anything\Nin my entire life.

Yay, Gracie.

That includes my wedding,

the birth of my child,

and my first orgasm.

Is that for real?

Can you imagine that in bed?

[Hank] I'm canceling\Nmy subscription to The Atlantic .

[Rourke] Yeah.

[Gracie screaming]

[Hank, thinking]\NA billion dollars

could fall on top of me,

and, you know,\Ntoss in world peace,

and my reaction\Nwould be, "Good."

Gracie!

Gracie! Gracie!

There's either\Nsomething wrong with her,

or me,

or, with overwhelming odds,

humanity in general.

[whispers] I did it, Daddy.

Yes!

[screams]

[phone buzzes]

[indistinct party conversation\Ncontinues]

...I mean, I had, like,

one and a half\Ntequila sunrises by then.

I wasn't in\Nthe best position to...

[Hank, reading]\N"Hey, Ash told me

she said that\NI'm 'jizzing' for you.

You're married.\NI get it.

I'm sorry\Na thousand times again

for you know what.

Please know that,\Nas you make this decision,

don't think that

I'm going to just be making\Nconstant passes at you.

This is just the job, I swear."

Check your texts.

Okay. This is silly.

I mean, it's not--

It's something\Nthat I need to tell you,

but it's nothing.

It's like--\NIt's less than nothing.

I'm listening.

Okay. So in New York, Tom--\NYou know, he tried to kiss me.

Or, I mean, he did kiss me.

I pushed him away.\NI got really mad at him.

He said that he was joking,\Nwhich I'm sure that he was.

I just don't know\Nwhere his head was fully.

That does sound like nothing,

so let's just forget about it.

Okay. Thank you.

I'm sorry that I didn't\Ntell you when I got home.

[cell phone timer ringing]

The stew's ready.

[indistinct party conversation\Ncontinues]

It's certainly understood

that the first poem\Nin The Atlantic

is nothing more\Nthan an amuse-bouche,

but to be offered page 72,

an early part of the magazine,

I was thrilled already,

but when I found out\Nthat I was the second poem--

- Stew?\N- ...or anything after 60...

page 14, page 97...

that's where Billy Preston was--

[Rourke] This can't happen.\NShe should have her own place.

She's my mother.

- [Joanie] Why not?\N- You can't do that with mothers.

- Stew?\N- [Rourke] Yes.

She can't switch houses.

House, house, house.

The woman can't stay with us.

- Stew?\N- Is that plate for June?

I can serve June.

[Teddy] That's okay.

[indistinct party conversation\Ncontinues]

- ..donkey-headed boys...\N- Stew?

...are a metaphor\Nfor child slavery.

[brays like a donkey]

I broke\Nyour damn toilet, Spanky.

Serve yourself.

[**]

[Hank, thinking ] She loves me.\NIt's just a job.

She loves me.\NIt's just a job.

She loves me.\NIt's just a job.

We can work it out.

We will work it out.

[**]

Hey, Julie.

Uh, yeah.\NSomething is wrong.

It's Mom.

[indistinct party conversation\Ncontinues]

...all covered in cheese.

I mean, I would say I'm--

[indistinct party conversation\Ncontinues]

[chiming against glass]

Hey, everyone.

Thank you for coming.

Every year,

the university gives us\Na small budget to get together,

which is very kind of them.

Or cruel,\Ndepending on the year.

[laughing]

This year, it's kind,

because, um,

I get a chance to say\Nin front of people

how proud I am of my wife.

Lily got\Nan amazing job opportunity

at a very respected school\Nin New York.

Many of you already know.

It's wonderful,

and I just wanted to, uh,\Nshow her my appreciation.

To Lily.

- To Lily!\N- To Lily!

Thank you.\NI appreciate that.

It's something\NI'm very excited about, so.

- As well you should be.\N- So, what about the house, then?

It's an incredible--

[Billie] Wait a second.\NWait a second.

Like, she got the job,\Nand he's going?

Spanky's going to New York?

[Hank] It's not your concern.

Well, it does affect us\Nquite a bit.

- Does it?\N- How so?

You know exactly how so,\Nyou twits.

Well, we haven't made\Na decision,

so it's not going\Nto affect you tonight.

[Gracie] Oh, come on, Hank.\NYou have to go.

A path has opened up for Lily.

It's just...

It happened for a reason.

[Billie] How can they take it?

Hank's qualified for nothing.

What's he gonna do?

Play sax in the subway?

[laughing]

Thank you, Billie.

[Rourke] He's a writer.

He can go to one of those\Nstupid coffee shops

and be one of those cliches,\Nyou know.

He'd love that.

That sounds nice.

Yeah, it does sound nice.

No, actually.

Well, the poem that I wrote,

the one that's coming out\Nin The Atlantic ?

"The Seven Sisters of Tobias".

I wrote that in the city.

I'm just--\NI'm so stimulated there.

You can take a walk\Non the High Line,

or just stroll\Nthrough the Village

with the ghost\Nof Allen Ginsberg.

Have you ever been to New York?

Hank, if you were to leave\Nin the middle of term,

would the Chair just go\Nto the next person in rotation,

or would we have to take a vote?

- That's a great question. Yeah.\N- How would that work?

How's everyone liking\Nthe stew tonight?

I ground my own paprika.

Oh, it's very good.\NYeah, delicious.

That's good. Yeah.

It tastes the same.

[door opening]

Hi, everyone.

- Hey.\N- Oh, hey.

Hi, Julie.

Um, can I talk to you?

Now? Like, right now?

Yeah.

Okay.

[door closes]

- Do you want more?\N- Yes, please.

Anybody want a refresher?

- Yes.\N- Yeah.

[Hank] No.

Okay, so, um, how are we--

how are we doing?

How we doin', you know?\NHow are we doing?

[indistinct conversation]

Uh, do you guys, like, after,\Ndo you talk about it?

Like, what was touched\Nand untouched?

I would cool it down a bit.

Teddy doesn't like\Ndesperate men for me.

Jesus. Desperate?

[Gracie] Hank.

Hank?

I think we need an answer\Nto June's question.

It's only fair.

[sighs]

Ask Emma.

What? Why am I the only one\Nwho has read the bylaws?

It's, like, three pages.

No. You know what?\NI'm not telling you.

[June] Emma, please.\NWe need to know.

[Gracie] Emma, those are\Na very difficult three pages.

It's very dry stuff.

Oh, god.\NAll right. Fine.

If the chair\Nneeds to leave his position

due to force majeure,

the position goes into rotation\Nand no vote is needed.

- Force majeure?\N- Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Since when is moving to New York\Nan act of God?

[Teddy]\NA job at the Arlyle School

is an act of God.

Do you know five of\Nthe 14 Whiffenpoofs went there?

That's a lot of Whiffenpoofs.

* Whiffenpoofs...

- * Whiffenpoo--\N- * Whiffenpoo--

* Whiffenpoofs...

You're all doing my note.

[all harmonizing]

Please stop doing this...

Please stop doing this.

Where in New York\Ndo you think you'd want to live?

Well, actually,\NI've thought about this.

We love Brooklyn,

particularly Greenpoint\Nand Williamsburg.

- Oh, yes.\N- Right?

Um, of course,

my commute would be much better\Nfrom the Upper West Side,

but we'd probably\Nnever be able to afford that.

Well, you could if you...

* ...Sell me your place!

* You could\Nsell me your place! *

* Come on\Nand sell me your place! *

I hate it\Nwhen you get like this.

Listen.

Selling you this place

would barely cover\Nthe downpayment

on a place in New York.

[Lily] They did mention\Na moving stipend,

but you're right, Paul.

We could use some extra money.

And, um, the good news is

that we also own the plot\Nright next to ours.

Also not for sale.

[Lily] I'd be very interested\Nin an offer, Paul.

[Rourke]\NIs it a large plot?

Is it larger than this one?

For God's sake.\NWhat is wrong with you?

Can you ever be happy\Nwith what is?

She'll cool off.

Hey, Hank.

I'll give you 10%\Nover market value.

[Hank] It's not for sale\Nany time soon.

Well, I just had

a very interesting conversation\Nwith our daughter,

and she says that, um,\Nshe's coming with me.

[Gracie] Oh!

She and her husband\Nhave flexible work situations.

Oh, that's nice.

And she mentioned\Nthat you, Hank,

recently suggested

that she move to a city\Nwith more opportunities.

Oh, there you go.

I guess we're going to need\Na bigger place.

[Rourke] Well, this sounds like\Ngood news all around.

Win-win-win.

No, no, no.

Look. Look.

We're not making a decision\Nright here,

not with this group.

So let's go back

to our usual\Nawful, awkward conversation

that we're all so good at.

[laughing]

All right?

Because nothing is happening.

But something is happening.

Well, nothing's happening\Nright now.

Julie just happened right now.

It appears that the situation\Nis evolving in real time.

Julie isn't going anywhere.

That's not up to you, is it?

I'm not going.

I'm...

...going to stay here,

even if you go.

Okay?

So how's that\Nfor a decision made right now?

Hank, you know what,\NI think I can taste the paprika.

It's much fresher.

- Yeah, it's a fresher taste.\N- Yeah.

Hits you more, yeah.

- Let's play a game.\N- Oh, yes!

That's a great idea!

Do you remember how we used\Nto all play Celebrity?

I'll certainly never forget

the time that Paul didn't know\Nwho Andrea Dworkin was.

[laughing]

Lily, where do you keep\Nthe pencils and the paper?

No. This game is called\N"Percentage Of Happiness".

[Gracie] Oh!

Goodness.

I do not think\Nthat I know that game.

I think I played\Nthat game once.

I was at a book reading\Nwith Johnny Franzen--

It's a really simple game.

So, how you play is\Nyou answer this question--

"What percentage\Nof happiness am I?"

[Gracie] Oh.

And, "What percentage\Nof happiness is so low

that you should be willing\Nto make a change?"

[Gracie] Oh.

We'll just go around the room.

Gracie, do you want\Nto kick us off?

Oh. Um, yes. Okay.

Um, well, um,

as you know,\NI'm having a very good day,

so I think I would, um--

Oh, I-- I would put myself\Nat, um, oh...

95% happiness!

Wow.

And when would I make a change?

Um, oh, I don't know.

Um--

Would you just--

60%!

Yeah, 60%.

60%.

All right.\NI would, uh--

[Lily] That's very interesting.\NWhat about you, Hank?

Oh, wait.\NActually, I already know

the answer\Nto the first question.

You told me a while ago.

I believe it was 20.

You are 20% happy.

Oh.

That does sound\Npretty low, Spanky.

- No, that's high for him.\N- That does sound like Hank.

[Lily] So question number two--

what percentage\Nwould you have to drop down to

in order to make a change?

10?

Or...

zero?

[**]

[indistinct party conversation]

A little wine, hey?

Or no?

You know, guys.

I've been thinking about it,

and I think this just isn't me.

For no real reason.

It was fun imagining\Nwhat might be,

but I'm going to have to\Nrespectfully bow out.

Oh. Are you sure?

Oh, come on.

[**]

Honey...

sorry I brought Julie into this.

It was childish of me.

I didn't handle it well.

No, you didn't.

You take that great job,

and I'll keep my shitty job.

You come out here when you can,

and I'll go into the city,

make it work.

[**]

"Marriage is sweeter,\Nsweeter than you think, think."

- [Gracie] Anne Waldman.\N- [Finny] Indeed.

- "Stereo".\N- Mm-hmm.

Very nice.

You know, there was\Na period of time

where Teddy and I\Nwere long distance,

and it actually\Nstrengthened our marriage.

Yeah.

That's nice to hear.

We developed\Na different foundation

for our own unique relationship,

and it made us\Ncloser than before.

[Teddy]\NBest decision we ever made.

[June] Best decision.

I mean, there are days\NI want to punch him in the face.

Don't get me wrong.

[laughing]

When I go on about my research.

Funny story.

You want to hear a story?

I have the best

long-distance relationship\Nstory ever.

And don't worry.

It's not about me\Nwanting your house.

[laughing]

I've mentioned\Nmy first wife, Barbara, right?

Uh, God rest her soul.

Well, she and I met in college,

freshman year,

and it was just supposed to be\None of those hook-ups.

Damn, she was fine.

Yeah. We went to her room\Nthat first night,

and guess what?

I never left.

I, uh, spent my freshman year\Nsharing a single bed with her.

She was the one\Nwho introduced me to poetry.

Oh.

We would, uh,\Nrecite Blake to each other.

We never spent one night apart\Nfor all four years of college,

and we got married right after.

Had a destination wedding\Nlike a couple of jerks.

Tuscany, for God's sakes.

Well, we didn't get into\Nthe same Ph.D. program, though.

The closest\Nwe could get to each other

was a 12-hour drive.

I went to Chapel Hill\Nand she went to Chicago.

And I just remember\Nmissing her so much

that I decided to go visit her\Nthat first weekend.

I didn't have a car,

so I decided\Nto put up some flyers

to get a ride,

and I got one from this woman

who was visiting\Nthis guy down there,

and we talk in the car...

and it is...

the most interesting,\Nbrilliant ride of my life.

Everything she says.

She made the trip feel like\Na hot-air balloon ride.

[Gracie] Ooh.

I thought I knew what love was,

but I was just learning.

I thought I had found my person,

but I was fooling myself.

She dropped me off at Barbara's.

I took one look at her,

and I...

I asked for a divorce.

Now that I knew\Nwhat love really felt like...

I had to.

I went back outside.

I didn't know\Nhow I was going to find her,

but guess who was still there\Nin the car, waiting.

- Yes!\N- Come on.

We've been together ever since.

Yes.

Quite a story.

That's a divorce story.

[Billie]\NYou should go with her, Spanky.

Before she finds her Joanie.

I already found my Joanie.

You never really know\Nabout people.

No.

I know my wife.

I know Lily.

We don't have secrets.

We tell each other everything\Nright away.

That's right. We do.

Where does Tom live again?

Mm.

I think he lives in Greenpoint.

Who's Tom?

Uh, he's Lily's old boyfriend.

Oh.

Mm-hmm.

[Emma] Since we're talking\Nabout this again,

I actually have a friend\Nwho lives in the East Village

who might be looking\Nfor a roommate.

She's super cool.

She's an adjunct at NYU.

That sounds really interesting.

I'd like to talk to her.

Okay.

Or you could just\Nlive with Tom.

I don't want to live with Tom.

Well, it's just an idea.

Just a suggestion.

Where is the school exactly?

- It's in the west 40s.\N- Oh.

Do you have\Nany old boyfriends there?

Okay. Let's go.

- Let's go into the kitchen.\N- [Hank] My kitchen?

How is Tom's wife, by the way?

[Lily]\NThey're separated, actually.

[Hank] Oh! Really?

Come with me.\NRight now.

You know, I'm not going.

No one's keeping you\Nhere, Hank,

so why don't you\Ngo ahead and--

Hank.

Go. Support your wife.

Are you going to vote me out?

That worked real well\Nlast time you tried.

Easy, Spanky.

[Hank] Easy? If I go,\Nhe's next on the rotation.

So who are they going\Nto get rid of?

[Rourke] Hey. Nobody's\Ngetting rid of anybody.

[Hank] Yeah.

Dickie Pope will have\Nhis redundancy,

so who's it going to be?

Gun to your head,\Npick one right now!

I'm not playing this game.

The game of having\Ntwo poetry professors?

I was just published!

This is not the place for this.

Maybe we should\Njust change topics.

June is very wise.

Why aren't you\Ncoming with me?

My life is here!

[Lily] Your life could move.

My mom is here.

You aren't talking to her.

Julie is here.

Julie is a grown woman that--

I am here!

Okay?

I've stayed. I'm here.

Look. You might not\Nbe coming with me,

but you are not here either.

[grandfather clock chiming]

Why do you want\Nto leave me so badly?

How hard is it\Nfor you to understand

that this is not about you?

[Hank]\NLeaving me isn't about me?

[chiming]

Going to New York for a job?

[chiming]

It isn't about me?

[chiming]

[chiming]

[Hank, in past]\NIt doesn't matter.

[Laurel, in past] What do you\Nmean it doesn't matter?

Tell me? What is it?\NWhat can we do to make you stay?

[Hank, in past]\NNothing. Nothing at all.

[ "You Won't Be Satisfied"\Nby Ella Fitzgerald playing]

[**]

* Oh, you won't be satisfied

* Until you break my heart

* You're never satisfied

* Until the teardrops start

* I tried to shower you\Nwith love and kisses *

* Oh, you won't be satisfied\Nuntil you break my heart *

* No, you won't be satisfied\Nuntil you break my heart *

* You're never satisfied\Nuntil the teardrops start... *

[Young Hank gasping]

* I tried to shower you\Nwith love and kisses, baby *

[**]

* All I ever get from you...

Laurel!

* ...Is naggin' and braggin'

- * My poor heart is saggin'...\N- Just go. Just go.

Come on, man.

[Hank] I'm fine. I'm fine.

* I'll bet you wouldn't like it\Nif I did the same... *

Lily made cookies.

Oh, God!

* You're only happy tearin'\Nall my dreams apart... *

Celebrity, right?\NCelebrity.

Celebrity.

Peter Fonda!

It's just a wild guess.

Easy Rider ?

Who wants to drive me home?

- I'll drive you home.\N- Okay.

Good night.

Thank you.

- Good night.\N- Good night.

[**]

Teddy.

He'll be back\Nto how he always is tomorrow.

Okay? Tomorrow.

Thanks, Lily.

* The way\Nyou toss my heart around's *

* A cryin' shame

* Oh, yes...

* I'll bet you wouldn't like it\Nif I did the same *

* You're only tearin'\Nall my little dreams apart *

* Oh, you won't be satisfied\Nuntil you break my heart *

[Hank] Something else

about that night\Nmy father walked away.

He called out for my mom.

"Laurel! Office!"

And she came in.

And she knelt down beside me,

she took the rope\Nfrom around my neck,

and she hugged me,

and then she said,

"We won't ever\Ntalk about this again."

And I doubt I ever will.

[ "The Whippoorwill"\Nby Keely Smith playing]

- * The night was young...\N- [Lily] Let's go to bed.

* ...And so were we

* The whippoorwill\Nsang sweet and low *

Why haven't you\Nanswered my calls?

Because my\Ncaller I.D. works.

I've been invited to\Na conference in Harrisburg.

Russell and I had a fight,\Nso I'm gonna

take you up on that offer.\NWhat offer?

I'm gonna come stay with you\Nin New York.

Man: Do you write\Nwith a pen or a scalpel?

I'm just trying to slurp the\Nmarrow from the present moment.

You hurt your father.\NCome by and ask him to stay.

*

I'm afraid I'm gonna\Ndo something stupid.

*

[**]