All language subtitles for Not.Dead.Yet.S01E08.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Someone! Someone help me!
I'm trapped in a well!

And the waters
are rising!

And I'm still in love
with Zane!

Wait, what?
No, no! It's over?

...so are
The Tides of Our Days.

Ugh, I need to know
how you get out of the well.

Ooh, and when are you
gonna find out

that Zane killed your sister?

I always knew, darling.

I helped him.

You're so bad.

Oh, I love this research
for this obituary.

Usually, I'm just
Googling to make sure

they don't have
a secret second family.

Can I come in?

Hello.
Uh, not really

a fair question
when you're already in.

I want to make sure you remember
to take out the trash

and put your dishes away,

and compost
your pistachio shells,

and please, if you're
gonna steal my toothpaste,

squeeze from the bottom instead
of the middle, like a carny.

The gall. I love him.

Also, I-I need you to
hold onto a few things for me.

Uh, you know, usually, when you
ask someone for a favor,

you don't berate them first.

Fair, but my girlfriend
Charlotte is coming to visit

from San Diego,
and I need to make room for her.

I'm finally gonna
meet Charlotte?

Ooh,
the girlfriend's coming.

Oh, classic complication.

I wonder if she's gonna be
a complete nightmare

or a jealous vixen.

Or a sleepwalking serial killer
that just got out of a coma.

- Season 23!
- Season 23!

- Whoa, another one?
- Yeah.

Listen, this is the first time
she's ever been in my space,

and I just need
everything to be perfect.

Wait, she seriously
has never been here before?

No, I go there every weekend
from Friday at 6:00

till Sunday at 4:00, which is
the perfect amount of time

for hiking, tacos, and sex.

Multiple times.

- Can you please stop?
- Oh, go on.

We're kind of at
a make it or break it point

in our relationship,
and I think if things go well,

she might move in with us.

Okay, have a nice day.

Wait-- uh...

Did he just say
move in with us?

Yes. He just let it
hang in the air,

like he was begging you to come
back after the opening credits.

I just can't imagine
what this girlfriend's like.

I mean, if Edward has
30 rules for you,

imagine how many
he has for her,

Oh, yeah, but what
if she's just like him?

- Mm.
- You know, I-I just--

I can't imagine living
with two Edwards.

That's like living with...

- two Edwards.
- Mm.

I have so many questions.

Like, who uproots
their entire life for a guy

that's she's only known for,
like, a few months.

Mm!
Who would do that?

Phillip? Come on.

No.
That was for love.

This is for Edward.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Cricket is throwing
a trivia night

at her wine bar...
- Mm.

so you should come, because the
winner gets a free wine tasting.

No, no, you have to take
that down right now,

because if Lexi sees this,

she's gonna want to play...
- Oh.

...and then her competitive
streak will come out.

When we podded together, game
nights were the absolute worst

because she hates
to lose.

I'm right behind you, aren't I?

Hi. Hi. Mm.

We're just sitting here
talking about

break room stuff
with, uh, this one.

- Mm-hmm.
- Like cream cheese.

- Mm.
- It is, like, so thick.

- She's a fiend.
- Do I see a little

trivia night flyer?

Because count me in.

That sounds fun.

Sam,
you want to be teammates?

I call Sam!
Okay, great. You do that.

I'm gonna go somewhere else.

- Oh, Sam.
- No.

- Saaam.
- No.

We said no more
game nights, okay?

Keith and I are still finding
Scrabble tiles in my bushes,

and I'm pretty sure there's
a "V" still clogging our toilet.

That was the pandemic.
We were all on edge.

- This'll be fun.
- What'll be fun?

Trivia night at Cricket's.

Ooh, yeah,
that does sound fun.

Should I be leader?
No, you're right. That's Lexi.

Look, you're always telling me
I need to do more

"regular people" things,

like "not wearing
driving gloves"

or "drinking from a can."

I love you, but I'm sorry.

My therapist said I have
to establish healthy boundaries,

and so the answer is no.

I'm gonna take that
as a maybe, Sam-Sam.

Your obituary is gonna be
as fabulous as you are.

- Oh.
- Three ex-husbands,

ah, one wife,

and you still had time
to tour with the Osmonds?

I'm just so excited to have
my entire story told.

Are you gasping

- at what I'm gasping at?
- The girlfriend is here,

ready for
her dramatic entrance.

Hi.

You must be Nell.
I'm Charlotte.

I'm so excited
to finally meet you.

Yeah, yeah. I'm excited
to finally meet you, too.

She looks sweet,
but who knows

what's going on
under the surface.

Ask her if
that's her real nose.

So, like, just, like, tell me
everything about yourself.

I mean, is there, like,
a specific way

you like to
organize your spices

or how you like
your toothpaste squeezed.

No, I am very average. Yeah.

I-I love the beach
and hiking with Edward and--

oh, I love baking.

I just made these.

Oh.

They're Edward's favorite,
chocolate chip skillet cookies

with a hint of cinnamon
and a sprinkle of doobie.

I got the recipe
from his Aunt Helen.

- Not the doobie part.
- Oh, right. Oh, whoa.

Is... uh...

I-- whew.

I see that you really put
the work in.

I think that maybe we should
clean some of this up

before Edward gets--
Ahh!

Hey, handsome.
- Hey, gorgeous.

Oh, my God.

I know.

Here come the fireworks!

You made my favorite cookies.

What?

Mm.
These are incredible.

Nell,
you gotta try these.

Yeah. That-- That is,
um, pretty incredible.

I'm sorry,
what are those toes?

Charlotte got these
awesome mandals for me.

- But you hate toes.
- I hate your toes.

Eddie, be nice.

You're right, baby.

Nell, I think your toes
are fantastic.

Thank you, Eddie.

- Let's get out of here.
- Okay.

He's like,
a totally different person.

It's like your roommate's
been taken over by an evil twin.

Let's put that theory
to the test.

Hey, Eddie, I'm gonna grab
one of these cookies,

but, eh, I don't have a napkin,
so crumbs might go everywhere.

Do your thing, girl.

Whoever he is,
I hope he stays.

Cool. Cool, cool.

Nope. I'm dead.

Ah. Oh!

This is awesome.

You know, you never want to
watch Extreme Packrat with me.

Are you kidding?

I love when people
keep their urine in jars.

- Oh.
- Mm, speaking of,

I have to use
the little girl's jar.

Can you pause it for me?

Yeah, I can turn it off.
I can guess how this ends.

She gets her life together and
goes to her daughter's wedding.

Oh.

There he is.

No. Don't you-- No!
Get-- No!

Stop it!
I wanted to eat those crumbs!

I like Charlotte.

She's kind and she's smart
and she's thoughtful.

She's always making
my favorite cookies.

I totally agree.
Charlotte is great.

There are some other
pressing issues.

She's soaking the cast-iron
skillets in the water.

I can hear them
oxidizing from here.

So, why don't you just tell her?
It's not that big a deal.

- You're right.
- Mm.

Will you do it?
Huh?

Just tell her
how to clean the pans,

and to always use coasters,

and to turn off the water
when she's brushing her teeth.

You want me to be the you?

Yes.

Be the me.

I don't want to scare her off
with all my--

I mean, they're totally
reasonable requests...

- Mm.
- ...but I want this to work.

Nell.

Fine. Yeah.

I'll be the you.

But if Charlotte moves in,

I want rent split three ways,
not two.

Fine.

And I get to have as many
ice cubes as I want,

hum in the morning, and paint
my toenails in the living room.

You can paint,
but no pumicing.

I can't pumice
you anything.

Got a minute?

Yeah, sure.
What's up?

I just wanted to circle back
on the whole trivia night thing,

because...
this could be us, The Fun Bunch!

Lexi, I said no.
I have--

Oh, it's actually
very soft.

- It's Prada. Look--
- But no, no.

I said no and I mean no.

Listen, I thought about it,
and you're right.

Games bring out
the worst in me.

- Yeah, I know that.
- But you don't know why.

When I was a child, my parents
made everything a contest.

Literally. One time,
they used a game of Monopoly

to determine
which of their children

would be sent
to a boarding school.

It was a hotel
on Baltic Avenue

that bankrupt me
and ultimately lost me the game,

and consequently
sent me to

the Chastity Bainbridge
Disciplinary School

for Overprivileged Girls.

Now I understand why you
struggle so much with losing.

Yes, but, uh,
I want to change.

I want to be able to go out
and have a casual night

with my friends, and, Sam,
I just feel like with your help,

I can achieve that.

Okay, fine.
We can play trivia tonight.

But the moment it stops
being fun, we are leaving.

I gotchu
if you gotch me, girl.

Hey.
Whatcha doing?

I'm taking Charlotte on
a romantic picnic

at the Observatory
before trivia night.

She came up with
a good team name--

- Roomies.
- Cool.

Your neck looks
really angry.

- You okay?
- I'm fine.

I'm just trying to
get used to

this poncho
Charlotte got me.

She said I look like
Keanu Reeves in Point Break.

I looked it up
and (chuckles) he's very hot.

- I thought you only wore cotton.
- You only wear cotton!

- Okay.
- I'm sorry.

I'm--
I'm just very tired.

Hey, Nell.

You ready, Johnny Utah?

Yeah.
I love the way that feels.

100% pure adrenaline.
Come on. Let's go.

- Bye.
- Yeah.

- Have fun!
- Surf's up.

Hey, Marlena,
does Edward seem off to you?

I-I mean, like,
he says he's happy,

but he just seems
so exhausted, and--

Maybe it's all the sex?

I know when I first
met my wife,

we couldn't keep
our hands off each other.

It was a romp fest.

Oh, right.
That reminds me.

I wrote the opening paragraph
for your obituary,

and I think
you're gonna love it.

Let's hear it.

"While millions loved watching
sexy, conniving villainess

Marlena Quintrell manipulate
the men of Middleton Falls,

she saved the juiciest twist
of all for her private life,

when her cast mate husband
caught her in bed

with her female makeup artist
and soon-to-be wife."

Pretty spicy, huh?

Honestly, I think you have
some more work to do.

What are you talking about?

Look, it's got
everything you love--

suspense, intrigue,

romance, beeping.

Wait, sorry, do--
do you hear that?

Is that coming from the box?

ZAMATRON-X39:
Cower before me, traitor!

- Let's see.
- ZAMATRON-X39: For I have taken

the life force
of countless Bezalids!

Oh, it's one of
his Star Rim figurines.

It's from
his favorite video game.

Yeah, it's like everything
that brings him joy.

His magic tricks
and his Rubik's Cube

and his
video game paraphernalia.

Huh.

I thought he was just hiding

his anal apartment rules
from Charlotte.

I didn't realize
that he was hiding...

himself.

Why do you think
he would do that?

You have to go ask him.

- Hey, you're back.
- I forgot our collapsible cups.

Right. Um...

You know, your robot monster
in the box was beeping.

My Zamatron-X39 with the
dual engine laser blasters?

- Yep.
- Is he okay?

Yeah, I turned it off.

Okay.
The galaxy thanks you.

Um, hey, hey, wait.

Uh, I couldn't help but notice
everything else in the box.

I-I mean, I know
it's none of my business,

but, um, it just--

it just feels like you're hiding
all your favorite things away.

Okay. Thank you for
your wholly unsolicited advice.

You haven't really enjoyed
yourself since she's been here.

I'm perfectly happy.

You're definitely not.

You're just my roommate, Nell.

Okay?

Stay out of it.

- Are you kidding me?
- Nope.

Then he said,
"You're just my roommate.

Stay out of it."

And I'm like, I'm supposed
to say something, though, right?

I just think it's best
to tread lightly

when criticizing
someone else's relationship.

Mm, is it, though?

Look, when I told you to go
a little slower with Phillip,

you didn't exactly
love that.

Okay, but I was only mad at you
for, like, a minute.

- Excuse you.
- Or two years.

That's right. So maybe Edward
just needs to figure it out

for himself, like you did.

Hey, Roomie. Oh.

Get over here.

Hmm.
Here we go.

- Roomie.
- Roomie.

Oh, everyone looks so
nice and friendly.

Hello, fellow
trivia aficionados.

Excited for
some playful sparring

with all of you tonight.

We're The Fun Bunch.

- That's a pretty clever name.
- It is.

What state school did you go to
to come up with that?

Hey!

Have you ever tried gouda?

It's the most fun
of the cheeses.

It's a real gift
to the palate.

- That is the spirit, Lexi, okay?
- Mm-hmm.

We will have fun,
and that is the point, okay?

How's everybody doing?

Whoo! Trivia!

First category is Magic,

kind of like me on this mic.

This turn-of-the-20th century
magician became so famous

that his traveling magic show
required eight train cars.

God, I don't know
anything about magic.

- Nell?
- Mm.

If I was to guess,
I would say, mm,

greatest magician
of all time...

Let's go with...

Criss Angel?

No! Criss Angel is a hack
and an embarrassment,

and Criss Angel wasn't
the turn of the 20th century.

It's Howard Thurston.

Oh.

Babe, how do you know
so much about magic?

My nephew is in a bit
of a magic phase right now.

He doesn't shut up about it.

He's kind of a doofus.

Just sounds like your nephew
knows who he is

and is fine with it

and, you know, doesn't mind
letting his nerd flag fly.

Yeah. He's a doofus.

Okay, you write whatever
you want to write down.

I'm just--
I-I need a break.

Um...

Ah! Oh.
Hello.

You're being too subtle
with Edward.

You need to be more direct.

Tell him he can't hide
his true self.

Oh, Marlena, come on.

Just stop pushing the drama, okay?

This is my life,
not some silly soap opera.

Well, my life isn't
any silly soap opera either,

which is why I hated
what you wrote.

- What?
- What you referred to

as "the juiciest twist
of all"

was one of the most painful
things I've ever been through.

Oh.

I spent so many years
in the closet,

trying to live up
to expectations,

and I wasted so much time
denying who I was.

I could've been with my wife
so much sooner

if a friend would have just
told me what I needed to hear,

just someone to encourage
my genuine, authentic self.

Pretending to be someone you're
not on the screen is one thing,

but pretending
in your personal life

is just downright debilitating.

Help him.

I--

I wouldn't say
he thinks we're friends.

Well, that's a shame,

'cause it sure looks
like you are to me.

- Yeah?
- Yes.

Thanks, Marlena.

I'm gonna write you
that obituary you deserve.

Oh, I know you are...

...or I'll posses
someone you love.

Oh.

My life is weird.

Uh, um, excuse me, Edward,
could we talk privately?

Um, I-I need to talk to you
about the electric bill.

I don't want to talk about
the electric bill.

Yeah, well,
unless we talk about it,

then the power's
gonna get shut off

and we're going to waste
a lot of oat milk.

- Oat milk doesn't go bad.
- Just come with me.

Thank you. Mm.

What?

Look, I, um--

I know you only think of me
as your roommate,

but I think of you as my friend,
and as your friend,

I'm gonna tell you
what you need to hear.

Mm-hmm.

What you're doing
is not healthy.

Hiding who you are, you're not
just lying to Charlotte.

You're lying to yourself.

Nell, I'm 35 years old,

and I'm tired
of being alone.

And I can tell that you like

this version of me better, anyway.

I genuinely like
the real you.

You're smart and you're funny
and you're wildly honest,

which can be,
uh, really frustrating,

but it's also
so very refreshing.

If you really want to give
this relationship a chance,

you got to show Charlotte
who you really are, okay?

You both deserve that.

Okay, I trust you.

Okay.

Also, by the way, I-I did forget
to pay the electric bill.

I'll see you inside.

It's like living
with a child.

Don't be sad that you're losing,
State School.

I didn't go to a state school.
I went to the Olympics.

Oh, let me guess-- dressage?

Uh?

Look at me.
I'm riding a fancy horse.

Oh, fancy.
Stop it.

That's not proper form!

I'm sorry, Sam,
but I need to leave.

I am on the verge of becoming
a version of myself

that not a lot of people
like to be around,

and, frankly, I don't
really care for it, either.

No, no, stay.

I am so proud of all the work
that you've done here tonight,

but I don't want to change
completely who you are,

because I think
all of us could use

a little cutthroat Lexi
right now.

Mm.

Are you saying...?

Let's cut a bitch.

There we go.
- Hold these.

Let's (bleep) up, boys.

Name the state capital of--

Boise. Dover. Phoenix.
Little Rock. Juneau. Jackson.

Topeka. Trenton. Bismarck.

Stop me when you've
heard it, Cricket.

- Topeka!
- The Golden City.

Giddy up, turds.

- Houdini.
- Yes.

- Space Invaders.
- Yes.

- Megatron.
- Yes.

- Invader Zim.
- Yes.

- Oh, my God!
- Bull

Invasion of
the Body Snatchers.

- Whoo!
- The 1978 version.

This multi-player video game
takes place in outer space,

and it contains
over 600 hours of gameplay.

Star Rim, and it actually
contains over 600 hours

of potential gameplay.

The main storyline
can be completed in

as little as 200 hours,

as seen in the
speed run performed by

Underscore IceKing32
on Twitch.

And now it is time
to announce the final scores.

P.H. Deez Nuts coming in
at a hot 38 points.

And then making news
back there is The Fun Bunch

- with a whopping 46 points.
- Yes!

And coming in
at a staggering 62 points,

it's The Roomies!
Yay!

Yes! Dude!

I had no idea
that you knew so much

about all that stuff
you knew about.

Charlotte, my nephew
isn't a doofus.

I'm a doofus.

If this relationship
is gonna work,

I think you need to know
that I'm a video-game-playing,

Rubik's-Cube-solving,
action-figure-collecting nerd.

And also, Nell isn't
the one who's particular

about skillet care.

I am.

Yeah.

Also, this, um, poncho,
it feels like sandpaper,

and I'm gonna take it off forever.

Okay, okay.

And I do magic.

Is this your coaster?

- It is now.
- There he is.

Um...

I am so happy
that we're being honest,

because I have been holding
back some things, as well.

Um, Edward, I know you're
an environmental lawyer...

...but I hate
these paper straws.

They're completely useless.

Besides, how much can
one person really do

for the environment, anyway?

And does recycling
really matter?

- Huh.
- Whew.

I'm gonna go get us
some real straws.

I'm gonna have to
tell my parents

I'm sleeping
with a turtle murderer.

Hey.
How'd it go with Charlotte?

Charlotte confessed
that the compost bin I got her

is where she keeps
her keys and her wallet.

I confessed that Hoarders
gives me night terrors.

Mm
- So...

- we decided to take a break.
- Aww.

I think I was so focused
on what she wanted,

I didn't really take the time
to consider what I wanted.

- What is this?
- I thought you should know

that you don't have to hide
who you are around me.

There are no Rat Archers
in Star Rim, but thank you.

You got it.

And just so you know,
I'm not going to hide

who I am around you either.

Hmm?

Okay, I'll let you be
a little disgusting troll...

Oh!

...because
you're my friend.

You said it.
I'm your friend.

- I'm your friend?
- Yeah.

I'm your friend?
You're my friend.

I don't like that.
I don't like that.

Okay. No backsies.

Whoops.

I am saying this
as your friend.

- Yeah?
- You're a terrible roommate.

Captioned by VITAC--