All language subtitles for JIMMYC~1-eng(1)

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

[Carr] Before we start,
a quick trigger warning.

Tonight's show contains jokes
about terrible things.

Terrible things that may have affected you
and the people you love.

But these are just jokes.

They're not the terrible things.

[audience chuckles]

There's a huge difference
between doing a joke about a rape...

[audience laughing]

...and doing a rape.

[audience laughing]

I fucking hope.

Or I'm going to jail forever.

[audience laughs]

My mother always used to say:

"If you haven't got anything nice to say,
then shut your face, you evil prick."

[audience laughs]

I miss that fat slag.

[audience laughs]

There's a bug going around.
Does anyone have COVID-19?

[audience cheers]

A lot of you.
I've been avoiding it like the plague.

[audience laughs]

Do you think we overreacted to COVID-19?

[audience] Yes.

Yeah, a lot of the survivors think so.

[audience laughing]

Hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

[audience applauding]

Survivors think we overreacted,

but I think if you could do
a survey of the dead,

they would say:

"We could've done more."

[audience laughs]

[chuckles]

I didn't lose any loved ones.

I mean,
a lot of my elderly relatives died,

but no one I was that fond of.

[audience laughs]

Let's talk about the controversial thing,
the vaccine.

Who won't take it because they think
it's dangerous? Raise your hands.

[man boos]

Now take that hand
and slap yourself in the fucking face.

[audience laughs]

[audience applauding, cheering]

Hear that?
That's the voice of fucking reason.

[audience laughing]

The spread of COVID was directly linked
to how dense the population is,

and some of the population,
quite fucking dense.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

Maybe you read something.
There's a lot out there.

I read that COVID's not even real.

It's all been a hoax. It's a conspiracy.

I tell you who's gonna feel like fools.

All the people that died of it.

[audience laughs]

Gonna have to dig them up and tell them.

"Come on, you, get out of there.

It's not even real and you died of it.

Fucking idiot. Get out."

[audience laughing]

We're in the middle of an obesity crisis.

But what is obesity? Well, basically,

it's a swelling disease
you can only catch from biscuits.

[audience laughs]

My girlfriend had us on a diet
where there was a cheat day,

which I thought was great.

[audience laughing]

Turns out a cheat day's
not what I thought it was.

She came home all excited.

"I ate pizza!"

I ate pussy.
I thought it was what we're doing. Sorry.

[audience laughs]

It's brilliant we're finally seeing
plus-sized models on the cat-waddle.

[audience laughing]

I worry if I do fat jokes,
I won't reach a wider audience.

If you're fat and offended,
be the bigger person.

[audience laughing]

Any vegans? Anyone here vegan?

- [man cheers]
- There? What's your name?

Go on. What happened,
did you run out of energy?

[audience laughing, applauding]

Yeah--! [sighs]

Fair enough, there's nothing in tofu.

Where's the vegan? What's your name?

- [man] Ben.
- Give us a wave. Hi, Ben.

People get confused. Vegan, vegetarian.

If you're vegan, Ben,
it means you're boring to talk to.

[audience laughs]

Vegans, they won't kill anything
other than a conversation.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding, cheering]

Driving. Who drives? We all drive?

[audience] Yeah!

I'm finding it increasingly frustrating.

Especially in Central London.
Had an incident last year.

Not road rage
but about as close as you'd wanna get.

I'm in a 30-mile-an-hour zone,
built-up area, middle of the day.

What am I doing? Thirty miles an hour.

Driving along, minding my own business.
Come across a guy doing barely 10.

What do you do?
Flash lights, toot the horn,

let him know,
"Move over or speed up," right?

He didn't do either.
So in the end, I'm the lunatic.

I'm flashing the lights like I'm insane
and sat on that horn.

This is what I was dealing with.
He had a novelty license plate.

"Beloved mum in flowers."

[audience laughing]

Prick, am I right? Prick.

What?

I got fined for parking in a disabled bay.

Turns out you don't qualify
if it's only erectile dysfunction.

[audience laughs]

I say "only."
It's like trying to pose jelly.

[audience laughing]

Like trying to pick a lock
with a marshmallow.

Like trying to play snooker
with a bit of rope.

I need an attractive young woman
for this next bit.

You, madam, you see anyone?

[audience laughing]

I'm the worst.
You're an attractive young woman.

I imagine you're a stranger
to a man thumbing in a softie.

[audience laughing]

Give it time. Ask your mother.

I don't like sleeping over
at friends' houses.

I'd rather stay in a hotel
than at a friend's house.

You stay at the house, in the morning,
"How'd you sleep?" You explain:

"I find it difficult to masturbate
in someone else's home."

[audience laughing]

I don't look at porn anymore,
at Internet pornography.

Not a big moral thing,

I just choose not to
because I recently finished it.

[audience laughing]

Put the hours in. You can get there.

Put my initials in, it said, "Rehydrate."

I actually did porn.
I was in a pornographic film.

[audience cheers]

But this was years ago, when I was a kid.

[audience laughing]

He's looking at me like,
"I knew I knew you."

Mansplaining, it's when a man

tries to explain what you already know
in a patronizing manner.

[audience laughing]

It's when a man, that's me...

tries to put clever-clever thoughts
in your pretty brain.

You understand that?

[in baby-talk voice] Yes, you do.

Yes, you do. You're such a clever girl.
You're so clever.

[in normal voice] That's a meta joke.

Can you say "meta joke"?

I can't believe you said it.

[audience laughing]

Everyone is shaving their pussy.

Mainly women.
Everyone is shaving their pussy,

and hipsters these days have beards.

So society has the same amount of hair,
just on different cunts.

[audience laughing]

Everyone is shaving their pussy.

No matter what you think of that joke,
what a lovely opening.

[audience laughing]

I think we all prefer
a clean work surface.

There is a theory.

People say men enjoy
a shaved downstairs on a lady

because it looks like
a young girl's vagina.

[audience groans]

I wish.

[audience laughing]

When my girlfriend shaves hers,
it looks like a pig's foot.

[audience laughing]

A moral dilemma
for my vegan friend over there.

He doesn't know
whether he wants to eat that or not.

I like dwarves.

[audience chuckles]

You're not meant to say "dwarf"
but "little people."

I don't like the term "little people."

Because "little," bit patronizing.
And "people"? Come on, that's a stretch.

[audience laughing]

Dwarfism is a growing problem.

[audience laughing]

[scattered applause]

I had a dwarf come up to me after a show.

Not right up to me. Up to about there.

[audience laughing]

He wasn't angry,
but he was a little short with me.

He was not happy.

[audience chuckling]

[audience laughing]

No laughing matter. I had a friend
that was a dwarf, died last year.

He actually took his own life.
Yeah, committed suicide.

Jumped off a curb.

[audience laughing]

Someone's brought a fucking child.
What age are you, man?

[young man] Seventeen.

- What, sorry?
- [young man] Seventeen!

Seventeen.

Seventeen but it's Southend.
You could be a father of four.

[audience laughing]

We don't know.

It's different here, isn't it?

- Is this your girlfriend?
- [young man] Yeah.

[gasps] Seventeen, you got a girlfriend.

Fingers or are you using your dick?
What's going on?

[audience laughing]

Don't judge me, I'm just asking.

I've ruined your evening. Sorry.

- What's your name?
- [young man] Charlie.

- Charlie?
- [Charlie] Yeah.

Named after what you sell.

[audience laughing]

It's Charlie Charlie, everyone.

- What do you do, mate?
- [Charlie] I work in an amusement park.

- You work in an amusement park.
- [Charlie] Yeah.

When you fuck, do you say,
"Wanna go faster, scream louder"?

[audience laughing]

I went on safari. Anyone been on safari?

- [scattered cheers]
- A few. If not, I'll catch you up.

Basically, a safari is
an inconvenient zoo.

- We've all been to the zoo, right?
- [audience] Yeah.

In a zoo, you see the animals
but not in the natural environment.

You go on a safari,
you're in the natural environment.

The only downside is,
you can't see the fucking animals.

[audience laughs]

You get driven around
by a prick in a jeep telling you:

"The leopard's nocturnal."

Well, I'm not. Wake the fucker up.

[audience laughing]

I'm gonna talk about racism

and this is a straight white man talking,
so pay attention.

[audience laughing]

Black Lives Matter happened,
and it raised very important questions.

Questions like, "Am I racist?"

If you're wondering, here's what you do.

Ask a close Black friend, "Am I racist?"

If you don't have a Black friend...

[audience laughing]

A good rule, if you're white
and you're gonna talk about race,

it shouldn't involve your neck muscles.

If you feel the urge before you speak
to look around conspiratorially...

[audience laughing]

...shut the fuck up.

[audience laughs, applauds]

Black Lives Matter, a good thing.

People that didn't understand came along
and went, "All Lives Matter."

Oh, for fuck's sake.

It's like saying, "Save the Whale,"
and someone going, "Save All Animals."

Yes, but we don't really have a problem
with people harpooning pigeons, you cunt.

[audience laughing, applauding]

Are there ginger people in?

[audience members cheer]

We've kept them back there
in the darkness, have we?

[audience laughing]

Wow, that's fucking weapons-grade
there, isn't it? What's--?

- What's your name? The blue shirt.
- [man] Roger.

Roger.

Hi, Roger. Nice to meet you.

That's where ginger
meets disability, isn't it?

[audience laughing]

You can park where you fucking like
with that coloring.

You look as if you get sunburn
checking the phone.

[audience laughing]

Factor 50 for you just to look
in a fucking fridge.

What do you think?
What do you think of "ginger"?

[Roger] It's all right.

"It's all right."
That's the right attitude.

Also, the fuck are you gonna do?

[audience laughs]

I don't like the term "ginger."

Because if you say blond or brunette,
it is a descriptor.

You're describing someone's hair color,
no edge.

With ginger, even if you say it nicely,
there's a bit of edge.

Ginger, a little bit of edge.
Ginger, a whisker away from

ginger cunt.

[audience laughing]

Some offense.

That's why I don't use "ginger."

I prefer to say "strawberry disgusting."

And who are you with?

- [Roger] My wife.
- That's your wife?

- What's your name, the wife?
- [woman 1] Lauren.

You do anything else for charity
or just fuck this guy?

[audience laughing, applauding]

Fuck this guy?

It's enough, isn't it? It's enough?

What a fucking-- What a bighearted lady.

I used to date this incredible-
looking woman, just beautiful.

We're still together,
but she let herself go.

[audience laughs]

[woman 2 boos]

There's an ugly woman
at the back going, "Boo."

[audience laughing]

- [woman 2 speaks indistinctly]
- What? Sorry.

[woman 2] Rude.

Rude?

[audience chuckling]

[audience laughing]

Sorry. When I said
an ugly woman at the back--

"Talking to me. Yeah.

Yeah.

Rude."

I mean...

[audience applauding, cheering]

If it's self-esteem, there's nothing
I can do about your self-esteem.

That's why they call it self-esteem.
Your name?

- [woman 2] Kelly.
- I'm gonna go soft on you.

Like every man that's ever seen you naked.

[audience laughing]

[audience whistling, applauding]

I'm just saying. You're what
dimmer switches were invented for.

I'm sorry.

[audience laughing]

You ever wonder
why there's a dimmer switch in a bedroom?

That.

Yeah.

My girlfriend's younger than me,
so when she's 45, I'll be...

with someone else.

[audience laughing]

I've been in a relationship
for 20 years, and...

- [audience cheers]
- Thank you.

The question I get asked most is,

how do you keep things fresh
in the bedroom?

Wet wipes.

[audience laughing]

Wet wipes for her.
I can wash my dick in the sink.

I believe that's called
a gentleman's rinse.

I'm quoting that from Pride and Prejudice.

There's the sequence
where she says to Mr. Darcy:

"Yes, sling it up me, but before you do,

it's a bit whiffy,
maybe a gentleman's rinse."

[audience laughing]

Some are laughing.
He's thinking, "I might read that."

I can't find my girlfriend's clitoris.

I suspect it's because
I've been looking in the wrong vaginas.

[audience laughing]

My girlfriend and I,
we've got cute little names,

when we're alone.

I call her kitten or bear.

And she calls me Jeff or Martin.

[audience laughing]

Something's going on.

Ever shouted out
the wrong name during sex?

That's embarrassing.
Especially if you're on your own.

[audience laughing]

Who's Dave?

[audience laughing]

I don't even know a Dave.

[moans]

Apologies, madam. I finished on you.

[audience laughs]

My girlfriend shouts "daddy."
Which I think is a bit rude. "Daddy"?

There's three of us here,
not just you and your dad.

[audience laughing, murmuring]

[Carr laughing]

I need participation from the men.

Let's practice "yeah," on three.

- One, two, three.
- [men] Yeah.

Sparta!

[audience laughs]

Masculine energy.

Just shout if this applies to you.

Ever been ghosted by a girl?
Sent a message, got nothing?

[men] Yeah!

Ever had the opposite,
send a girl a message, got 30 back?

She's way too keen.

[men] Yeah!

Had a girl cry during sex?

- [men] Yeah!
- You're a rapist.

[audience laughing, applauding]

You raped a lady.

[audience laughing]

You remember that lady that was crying
while you fucked her? That one.

You raped that lady.

My girlfriend's not a morning person,

which is terrible
when someone close to her dies.

[audience chuckling]

When my girlfriend's mom died,
it fell to me to break the news to her.

And that is one
of the most difficult text messages

I've ever had to send.

[audience laughs]

LOL means "Lots of love," right?

[audience laughing]

"Mom dead. LOL."

[audience laughing]

The reason I'm a comedian is my mother.

Had a hilarious,
larger-than-life Irish mother.

Very funny woman.

But more than that, she had a weird laugh.

[audience laughs]

People think I've got a weird laugh.

My laugh's weird. I laugh in, not out,

so instead of "ha, ha," it's more:

[laughing while inhaling]

There's something of an asthmatic
donkey fucking a seal about my laugh.

Yeah. I get that.

[laughing while inhaling]

Like a learning-disabled goose
having a panic attack.

[audience laughing]

My mother had a weirder laugh than I have.

So she had narcolepsy,
a thing called cataplexy,

where you lose muscular control
when you laugh.

Have you met someone
that makes no noise when they laugh?

No noise at all. Just like weirdly:

[audience laughing]

My mom had an extreme version

where she'd fully lose muscular control
when she laughed.

She'd fully stroke out.

[audience laughing]

I shouldn't really joke about strokes.

If I ever have a stroke,
I'll be laughing on the other side.

[audience laughing]

With that stroke joke,
I let this side down.

[audience laughs]

So my theory is,

I was motivated to make my mother laugh
when I was growing up.

Because if she walked in
with a tray of teas...

[audience chuckles]

...if you could say shit funny enough,
she'd like:

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

She'd be gone. Fully gone.

Fucking brilliant. [laughs]

Anyone here with their mom?
You guys are out with Mom, right?

Fucking tremendous.

- How old are you?
- [man] Eighteen.

Eighteen?

- Eighteen, and out with Mom?
- [man] Yeah.

Aw. [chuckles]

[audience laughs]

Can't imagine the next five minutes
is gonna go great for you, is it?

[audience laughing]

What? I used to go out
with my mom all the time.

She's very nice.
She brought us up on her own.

She'd invite us along to things.
She's very kind.

I remember, the only time
it ever went wrong,

I was about 13, and Mom said,
"You wanna come to the cinema?"

I went, "Yeah."

I went to see 9 1/2 Weeks with my mom.

[audience laughs]

If you're not familiar,
it's a soft-core porn film from the '80s,

starring Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger.

I know that 'cause it's burnt
on my fucking retina.

[audience laughing]

It's soft-core porn.
Obviously, she didn't know.

We arrived at the cinema,
and this thing started.

I was like 13, just entering puberty,
watching soft-core porn with my mom.

Fucking awkward.

And as I say,
she's a very funny woman. She waited--

The whole thing is a sex scene,
but there's one where they're going at it

like a barn door in a fucking gale.

She nudged me, and so
the whole cinema could hear, she went:

"They'll sleep tonight."

[audience laughing]

Even at 26,
my mom did all my washing for me.

I remember sitting in the bath, thinking,
"I'm old enough to wash on my own, Mom."

[audience laughing]

My mom walked in on me masturbating.

I said, "Mom, stop masturbating."

[audience laughing]

You're looking at me like,
"Moms don't masturbate." Yeah, they do.

[audience laughing]

Your mom.

Here, I'll prove it to you.

You ever go home and there's
no batteries in the TV remote?

[audience laughing]

Mystery solved.

Mom's had some "me time."

She's only here to check me out.

It's a health and safety nightmare.
She could slip off her seat.

[audience laughing]

It's easier being a man
than a woman. We agree?

- [audience] Yes.
- Yeah.

I think it happens very early in life,
and our language betrays us.

When you were a little boy,
there's loads of fun names for your dick.

"Knob," "winky," "tommy banana."

[audience laughing]

"Tommy banana," it's a medical term.

For the girls, it's more difficult.

When I was growing up, the girls
would call their, uh, Sunday face...

[audience laughs]

They would call it their "fine china"

because they're rhyming slang,
"fine china, vagina."

I think it's a nice term. It was fine
until my father came home and said:

"The boss is coming to dinner.
Everyone on your best behavior."

Then turned to Mom and went,
"Better get your fine china out."

[audience laughing]

Someone wants that promotion.

It's quite a nice term, "fine china."

You only get your fine china out
on a special occasion.

"What's your fine china like?"
"It's got a little crack in it."

[audience laughing]

"Would you like cream in your fine china?

Would you rather in your mug?"

[audience laughing]

"I'm sorry, darling. I've smashed
your mother's fine china."

[audience laughing]

Just ladies on this,
because men can be dreadful,

favorite term,
now or then, for your vajayjay.

What do you call your vajayjay?

- [woman 1 speaks indistinctly]
- "Minky"?

- Or "minke"?
- [audience laughs]

Because it's soft like a mink?

Not like a minke whale,
not fucking massive.

[audience laughing]

Or has it? It's not a blowhole, is it?

Oh, that's-- Oh-- Fine.

Any others?

- [woman 2] Flower!
- [Carr] "Flower"?

Have you got one of the squirty ones?
They're fun.

[audience laughing]

"This flower smells funny."

Any other?

"Noony"? That's how much of it
I'm getting. None-y.

[audience laughing]

You don't think I'm ready for that jelly.

I had one the other day. There was a lady,

I guess mid-sixties, in my audience,
and I didn't get it at first.

We're talking about this,
and she went, "Beetle bonnet."

I went, "What?"

She went, "From my perspective,
when I look down, beetle bonnet."

[audience laughing]

Like the car bonnet.

Then her husband chipped in
with "gaping chasm of doom."

That's from his perspective.

Any other unusual ones?

"Princess palace"?

It's a palace?

Sounds roomy.

[audience laughing]

Is there a ballroom?

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

My girlfriend calls it her fufu,
which is a bit juvenile.

It makes Mr. Dingle Dangle
not wanna do the humpty hump.

[audience laughs]

We should do a heckle amnesty.

I like it when people join in and heckle.

- You know the rules, right?
- [man 1 whoops]

You could join in,

no physical contact,
you can only use your mouth,

like your mom
when she's having a flare-up.

[audience laughs]

- Any heckles? Anyone care to...?
- [man 1 whoops]

- [man 2] What have you done to your hair?
- What have I done to my hair?

I've redistributed.

[audience laughs]

I had too much hair on the back
and not enough up here.

The glare would've taken your eyes out,
so it's for you that I've done this.

I think I've gone from having LEGO hair
to having Playmobil man hair.

[audience laughing]

They say you can't polish a turd,
but you can roll it in glitter, can't you?

[man 3] Your suit don't fit you!

"Your suit don't fit you"?

Who does it fucking fit? I mean...

[audience laughs]

[man 3 speaks indistinctly]

Sorry? I bought it from a kids' shop?

I don't know how to explain this.
I'm not that small, I'm just far away.

[audience laughing]

[man 4] You look like a puppet
without the string!

I look like a puppet without the string?

[audience laughs]

Charlie, you chip in quite a lot,
don't you?

[audience laughs]

And sleep.

[audience laughs]

Bill Cosby taught me that.

[audience laughing, exclaiming]

He's not gonna like what happens next.

Scientists say
the largest sexual organ in the body

is actually the mind.

But that's because
those scientists haven't seen

Charlie's mom's fanny.

[audience laughing]

I'd like to thank Charlie's mom
for letting us use it.

It's a wonderful space. Wonderful space.

[audience laughing, applauding]

No, I've got on very well with your mom.

I'll never forget
what your mom said to me.

"Let go of my ears,
I know what I'm doing."

[audience laughing]

I'm not being disrespectful.
I got on very well with his mom.

I made his mom come.

I remember clearly
because she dropped her chips.

[audience laughing]

Who here--? Who's under the age of 35?

Give us a shout.

[audience cheers]

Loads of us.

[audience laughing]

What? I've had a lot of work done.

I'm trying
to fucking Benjamin Button this thing.

Everything's changed, right?

Apps on our phones
have changed everything.

It's a generational change.
I'll explain, right?

Uber, Lyft, any of the taxi apps,
press a button, the car is there,

clean, efficient,
it knows where you wanna go.

That used to be called mini cabs.

Here's how it worked.
You got a copy of the Yellow Pages,

which was the old Internet printed out...

[audience laughs]

...you stood in the hallway of your house.

Why the hallway?

It's where the fucking phone lived.

[audience laughing]

You spoke to a woman
who lied to you about where a car was.

When it finally turned up, it smelled like
dogs and fags and fear and sexual assault.

[audience laughing]

Deliveroo, you got Deliveroo?
Postmates? Just Eat? Yeah?

[audience cheers]

Any foods you want delivered
to the door in half an hour.

That used to be called takeaways.

You had two options,

Indian or Chinese.

And if you had a nut allergy,
you would die.

[audience laughing]

That was the old system, yeah.

People my age would go,
"No one back in my day had a nut allergy."

They did. They just fucking died.

Remember the kid you were in
primary school with, the one that moved?

[audience laughing]

Mom tried to make a pad thai,
the silly bint. Dead.

- Instagram. You got Instagram?
- [audience cheers]

Instagram's pretty good.

We used to have to go to people's
houses to look at their holiday photos.

[audience laughing]

It didn't take long
'cause it was only ever 24 photos.

Twenty-three of the holiday, one of a dog.

If you took a picture
of your breakfast in 1990

and showed it to everyone you knew,

they would think you were a mental cunt.

[audience laughing]

That has not changed.

[audience laughing, applauding]

[Carr chuckles]

I used to take a photo
of everything I ate,

but my new girlfriend's a private person.

[audience laughing]

We used to have Tamagotchis.
You remember Tamagotchis?

[audience] Yes!

The little digital things that you would
keep alive by giving them attention?

We've still got them.
They're called Instagram models.

[audience laughing]

- Tinder. You all got the Tinder?
- [audience cheers]

Tinder's all right.

We always had Tinder,
but Tinder used to work differently.

Tinder used to be called going out.

Here's how Tinder used to work.
If you liked a woman,

you'd go dance near her.

[audience laughing]

Yeah, I've still got it.

She would swipe left or right
by either walking away

or not walking away.

That was the system.
It's a miracle anyone got their dick wet.

Sorry, you might be too young.
You're not missing out.

It's basically Deliveroo for chlamydia.

[audience laughing]

- Facebook. Have you got Facebook?
- [audience] Yes!

Facebook's all right.
We've always had Facebook.

The job of Facebook has been done
in society,

but it didn't used
to be done by technology.

The job of Facebook used
to be done by your moms.

I'll explain. Here's how Facebook worked
in the '80s.

You'd go in the house. Go in the kitchen.

You'd make tea. You'd sit down.
Your mom would rush in and go:

"Do you remember that lady we used
to live opposite? She just had a baby."

And you'd think, "I couldn't give a fuck."

[audience laughing]

Facebook.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

Netflix. You got Netflix?

[audience] Yes!

Of course. Netflix used
to be called Blockbuster Video.

[audience laughs]

Instead of sitting on the sofa,
arguing about what you were gonna watch,

you had to go to a special shop
in the high street and fight in public.

[audience laughs]

And here's the bit
I think millennials can't understand.

If you wanted to watch a good film,
you couldn't, because some other cunt was.

[audience laughing]

You'd get home,
"Did you get the new Terminator film?"

"No. Some other cunt's watching that.
I got Weekend at Bernie's."

[audience laughs]

"Oh, that's gonna be shit." "Yeah, we're
watching it. What are you gonna do?"

The pricing system was straight-up lunacy.

It was £5 for two films, but then
it was more if you didn't rewind the film.

We used to have to rewind films!

Suitcases didn't always have wheels.

[audience laughing]

I don't know why I'm so angry.

If you were late returning a film...

[audience] Ohh!

Heaven forfend. It's like
a fucking ransom note turned up.

[audience laughing]

£12 for the safe return of Turner & Hooch.

If you were late returning it
to Blockbuster three times,

they banned you from the shop.

They didn't need your business.

It turns out they did. They went bust.

[audience laughing]

But they didn't just turn on Netflix
the day Blockbuster went under.

No. There was a weird stage
in between for years.

There was a thing in the U.K.
called LoveFilm.

Where they would post you a DVD,
and you'd watch the DVD,

and then you'd post the DVD back.

Like you were pen pals with a shop.

[audience laughs]

LoveFilm, it sounds
like the coating on a dildo.

[audience laughing]

"Give this a rinse.
It's got LoveFilm all over it."

[audience laughing]

I met a girl in the audience
with a weird job.

Chatting with the audience,
this girl, I said, "What do you do?"

She said, "I work in marketing." In what?

She went, "I'm head of marketing
for a prosthetic limbs company."

I'd never met an arms dealer before.

[audience laughing]

I said, "You sell used ones?
That'd be a secondhand shop."

[audience laughing]

We can all agree.
That is a woman robbing a living, right?

'Cause if ever there was a product
that requires zero marketing spent,

it's prosthetic limbs.

What's going on in that showroom?
"Can I help you, sir?"

"Just browsing, thank you."

[audience laughing]

"I was passing and thought I'd hop in."

"It might interest you to learn,
there's 50% off right legs."

"That's what happened to me."

[audience laughing]

"Maybe I could help you make a decision."
"Thanks. I've been stumped."

[audience laughing]

"I don't want this
to cost me an arm and a leg."

The only way to market prosthetic limbs
is to manufacture land mines.

[audience laughing, murmuring]

Terrible thing. Joke about
a terrible thing. We've been through this.

[audience laughs]

If I was making a bomb,
I'd paint all the wires the same color.

[audience chuckling]

It's not a joke. It's just a good idea.

[audience laughs]

[Carr laughs]

I have a friend
that suffers terrible mood swings.

Goes from happy to sad in an instant.

Could be laughing one minute,
tears the next, basically bipolar.

What I'm saying is,
I've got a friend that's a woman.

[audience laughing]

Really? You were laughing a minute ago,
and now you've got a face on.

[audience laughing, clapping]

You basically proved my point.

That's a meta joke, isn't it?

[audience laughing]

The young woman that lives opposite me
has started her own webcam business.

She'll be thrilled when she finds out.

[audience laughing]

Hotel sex is better than home sex.

You make noise. You can make a mess.
Your wife's not there. Better.

[audience laughing]

Oh, so here's a story. I was
at a doctor's, about two years ago.

He said, "I need a sperm sample."
I said, "No problem."

He said, "Would you like help
from an attractive Russian nurse?"

I went, "Yeah."

"Send in the Russian nurse."
This gorgeous, could-have-been-a-model

Russian nurse walked in.
Called Vlad, big bloke.

[audience laughing]

He got me. So Vlad goes,
"Would you like to masturbate in the cup?"

I said, "I'm good,
but I'm not ready for competition yet."

[audience laughing]

And then Vlad takes me off to--
They've got a room in the doctor's office

specifically for the purpose
of collecting sperm samples.

I don't know what they call the room.
The wank bank?

No. Something medical,
something Latin-sounding.

I don't know. The, uh--
The masturbatorium.

[audience laughs]

Not half bad, masturbatorium.
Sounds like something from Harry Potter.

"Ah, it's the masturbatorium, Harry,
for the Expelliarmus."

[audience laughing]

So sorry, I got you again there.

[audience laughs]

So they've got everything you need

for the matter in hand, literally,
in this room.

They've got a lock. Important.

They've got a seat, a loo, a sink,
and they give you--

When you're giving sperm
in a doctor's office, they give you porn.

Hardcore porn.

Quite a lot of ass stuff,
not really to my taste.

But whatever.
I'll work with it. I'm a trouper.

[audience laughs]

So I'm in there, and I'm doing what a man
needs to do to produce a sperm sample.

I'm about to complete the mission.

I'm on what's referred to
as the vinegar strokes...

[audience laughing]

...when I notice
out of the corner of my eye

there's another drawer
with porn for straight men.

[audience laughing]

Well, now I feel a fool.

[audience laughs]

- Are there any lesbians in?
- [woman cheers]

One over there?

Hi. What's your name?

- [woman] Aisha.
- Aisha. Hi, Aisha.

Do you mind me asking,
are you a gold-star lesbian?

[Aisha] I guess so.

- Are you not familiar with the term?
- [Aisha] No.

- You look young. Are you new to this?
- [Aisha] Yeah.

- Well, how old are you, Aisha?
- [Aisha] Nineteen.

Christ. Yeah, you've not been
smashing pasties for long.

[audience laughing, clapping]

It's an expression.

Aisha, I'll, uh... So a gold-star lesbian
is a lady that has--

How can I put this politely?
Has never had a vitamin D injection.

[audience laughs]

Whereas you get other girls that are
try-before-you're-bi. Bi now, gay later.

[audience laughs]

They try the D, but it's not for them.

"I don't like it.
It's pointy, and it spat at me."

[audience laughing]

I had sex with a lesbian once.
Well, she is now.

[audience laughs]

I've got a friend who's a lesbian,
a gold-star lesbian.

You would know
she was a lesbian from 400 yards.

She's all tatted up,
got the sleeve, the short hair,

rolls her own tampons.

[audience laughing]

All about that life.

You're not meant to ask, I asked--
She's my age, late forties.

I said, "You've never been with a man,
how'd you know you wouldn't like it?"

She said, "You've never had a dick in you,
how do you know you wouldn't like it?"

I said, "Because I've never fucked myself
with a plastic dick."

[audience laughing]

She said, "Never?"

[audience laughing]

I said, "Let's get a drink.
We're being silly."

[audience laughing]

I go to a nurse--
Any nurses in? We got nurses?

Is there one there? What kind of nurse?

Adult nurse.
You work in the emergency room?

Have you worked in an emergency room?

You have? What's the weirdest thing
anyone's come in with stuck--

You know people come with the bum-bums.

- Well, I got told a story...
- [nurse speaks indistinctly]

[Carr] What, sorry?

A Yankee Candle?

[audience laughing]

I suppose it is dark up there, isn't it?

[audience laughing]

You can't see where you're going.

Yankee Candle though, so...

Well, no need to ask how you two met.

[audience laughing]

"I like candles." "I like candles too.
I really like candles."

There was a nurse in couple of months ago,

I'm chatting, said,
"What's the weirdest thing?"

She said, "A guy walked in
with an unbroken light bulb up there."

- [audience groans]
- Walked in, unbroken.

Makes you proud to be British.

[audience laughing]

A light bulb?

Imagine the x-ray.

It must've looked like
someone's asshole had an idea.

[audience laughing]

Any other good ones?

[nurse] A fountain pen in his penis.

A fountain pen in his penis?

[audience exclaiming]

[audience chuckling]

What was he trying to sign?

[audience laughing]

Clever dick.

[audience laughs]

How long ago was this, Charlie?

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

I had a prostate exam. Got my thumbs-up.

[audience laughs]

I'll tell you what you don't wanna hear
after a prostate exam, "Now you do me."

[audience laughing]

"You're not a real doctor.

I shouldn't even be in a park."

[audience laughing]

"Fool me once, shame on you.
This is the second time this week.

Was that even a finger?"

[audience chuckling]

My nana's got something that helps her
meet new people all the time.

Alzheimer's.

[audience laughing]

I got in trouble
for doing a joke about Alzheimer's.

Just a month before, I'd done
a benefit gig for Alzheimer's charity.

Just saying some people
have got very short memories.

[audience laughing]

No, I shouldn't be disrespectful.

My grandparents struggled
to put food on the table.

They both had Parkinson's.

[audience laughing]

Soup was a real no-no.

[audience laughing]

Have you had sex
with someone really religious?

I have, but he got moved
to another parish.

[audience laughing]

As a kid, for five years,
I was in the church choir.

Now, I can't sing that well.

But, boy, can I suck a cock.

[audience laughing]

I had a complaint about that joke.

A young man came up to me
outside the theater,

clearly emotionally distressed,
he said, "Hey, I was abused by a priest."

I said, "No.

No, you weren't.

I was just dressed as a priest."

[audience laughing]

Pedophiles get a bad rap.

[audience chuckling]

But if it wasn't for pedophiles,

I wouldn't be able to light a fire,
put up a tent, or keep a secret.

[audience laughing]

I left the Scouts

when I discovered I was the only one
that did their salty secrets badge.

[audience laughing, groaning]

That was a hell
of a fucking phrase, isn't it?

Let's joke about something nicer.
An old school friend of mine

just had a face and neck lift.
I say that. He hanged himself.

[audience laughing, murmuring]

Is that wrong?

Meat is hung, men are hanged.
I've got it right.

[audience laughs]

Last year, a friend of mine tried
to take his own life,

and I went to see him a couple
of days later, his wife was in bits.

I said, "How's he doing?
Is he hanging in there?"

She said, "No, he's hanging in there."

[audience laughing, murmuring]

Obviously, killing yourself is
the last thing you should do.

[audience chuckles]

- [man] Come on!
- What?

Can't top that.

[audience laughs]

There's things you just can't say anymore.
I did a joke about schizophrenia.

A very serious mental ailment,

but this was a joke about it,
not the actual thing.

This lady came up to me
at the stage door, livid.

She went, "How would you like it
if you were schizophrenic?"

I said, "Well, we're not,
so we're not bothered, are we?"

[audience laughing]

I'm glad you like that.
I was in two minds about that joke.

[audience laughing]

Progressive types say that we shouldn't
use gendered-sexual swear words,

but those words are so expressive.

We can't lose those words
from our language

just because some pricks are total pussies
or wanna fanny about being dicks

'cause they can't hear the word cock
without crying like a twat, silly cunts.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding, cheering]

Let's get to the career-ender, shall we?

[audience chuckles, cheers]

I've written
some potentially career-ending jokes.

Yeah. I think we all have
come to terms with the fact,

I get canceled
in the next couple of years, right?

- [audience] Yeah.
- Yeah, chances are.

Here's the good news.
I'm going down swinging.

[audience laughs]

I used to worry about telling a joke
so offensive I would never work again,

but that was just me thinking
like a gender-fluid snowflake.

[audience laughs]

No, you paid good money
to see an edgy comedian, right?

- [audience] Yeah.
- It'd be remiss of me not to deliver that.

It's never about offending people,
it's about making people laugh.

If I offend people, that's just a bonus.

[audience laughing]

I believe passionately
in freedom of speech,

but I do my best not to offend any
ethnic minorities, gender-neutral groups,

or fat, disabled, lesbian nunces.

[audience laughing]

That said, this next five minutes
is gonna be closer to the bone

than a fat girl eating KFC.

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

Yeah.

KFC, or as I like to call it,
"the salty pigeon."

[audience laughs]

You never see a pigeon
outside of KFC, do you?

It's like their Auschwitz.

[audience laughing, murmuring]

Right. Career-enders.

When I give my opinion
on gender or race issues,

people say, "It's easy for you to say
as a straight white man."

But when I give my opinion
as a gay Chinese lady...

[audience laughs]

...they don't like the accent I do.

[audience laughing]

All right, we're all still in. Great!

I make my own vegetables.

I've got a hammer.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

I'd like to try anal sex again,
but my girlfriend's a little torn.

[audience laughing, exclaiming]

Are there young ladies?
Ladies in their 20s, give a shout.

[women cheer]

You wanna go out, get drunk,
wanna have fun, right?

But you don't have
a huge budget at this age.

You wanna be cost-effective.
May I recommend the vodka tampon?

[audience laughing]

It's exactly what you think it is.

Get a tampon, soak it in vodka,
just a capful will suffice.

Pop it in your fine china.

Very drunk. Very quickly.

And if you're menstruating, Bloody Mary.

[audience laughing, exclaiming]

[audience applauding]

What I love about that is,
someone will try it.

[audience laughing]

Who's got kids?
Give a shout if you got kids.

[audience cheers]

Most of you. Can I thank the people
with kids for coming out to the show?

Thank you so much.

Because we've all lost friends
to their kids.

People we used to love spending time with,
they had kids, we haven't seen them since.

And that's not the worst. The worst is
when they have kids, they still come out,

but all they wanna do is talk
about their kids all the fucking time.

[audience laughs]

I never know what you're supposed to say.

What are you supposed to say
when they show you photos?

"Yeah, he's lovely,
but, no, I haven't seen him."

[audience laughing]

"No, I can't help you look.
I'm super busy.

If you're that bothered,
you should've kept the lookout.

It's a joke. I know where he is."

[audience laughing]

And the joke's on them, really.

"He doesn't look like that anymore."

[audience laughs]

"He's got sad eyes now."

[audience laughing]

I don't like it
when people say their kid is adopted.

What difference does it make?
It's your kid,

whether it's biologically yours
or a rescue.

[audience laughing]

I hate when coat hangers get tangled up
and you can't use them.

"So we're keeping the baby!"

[audience laughing, exclaiming]

That's an unfortunate response
from some of you.

That joke's only there
to warm you up for this one.

[audience laughs]

In Alabama, in America, they've made it
effectively impossible to get an abortion,

even if you get raped.

That is so fucked up. Think about that.

You serve your time, you get out,
you gotta pay child support. Nightmare!

[audience laughing]

I was in Amsterdam.

This story is going exactly
where you think it's going.

I was in Amsterdam on tour,
and I walked from my venue

to the hotel across town,
through the red-light district.

I got propositioned by a girl,
young girl, I mean, mid-20s, I would say,

wearing next to nothing,

just standing on a stoop.

And as I walked by,
she sort of brazenly went:

"Are you interested?"

"Oh, I don't have to pay for sex.

I'm a rapist."

[audience laughing]

Can I end my career in eight words?
What do you think?

[audience] Yeah!

Have a little faith.
Of course I fucking can.

Let's count them off.
"You can prevent any rape.

Just say yes."

[audience laughing, exclaiming]

You look like you don't wanna laugh
at that rape joke.

But somewhat ironically, I'm forcing you.

[audience laughing]

I'll give you a minute.
This joke is wrong on a number of levels.

I want you to enjoy them all.

[audience laughs]

It starts off fine,
it goes south real quick,

and then it pulls it back at the last
possible second. It's a real journey.

I don't like it
when airport security asks me

to take off my shoes in the airport.

Really, Heathrow?
Just got a new carpet, have you?

I wouldn't take off my shoes
if I was visiting a mosque.

[audience chuckles]

And that kind
of cultural insensitivity towards Islam

should tell you I'm not the guy
you're looking for.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

Right. This should be a career-ender.
Strap in. You ready?

[sniffs]

When people talk about the Holocaust...

[audience chuckles, murmurs]

[audience laughs]

When people talk about the Holocaust,
they talk about the tragedy and horror

of 6 million Jewish lives being lost
to the Nazi war machine.

But they never mention the thousands
of Gypsies that were killed by the Nazis.

No one talks about that

because no one ever wants
to talk about the positives.

[audience laughing]

[audience clapping]

That's a very good joke for three reasons.
Firstly, fucking funny. Well done, me.

[audience laughs]

Secondly, edgy as all hell.

A joke about the worst thing
that's ever happened in history.

People say, "Never forget."

This is how I remember.
I keep bringing it up.

[audience laughs]

Third reason is
there's an educational quality.

Everyone knows 6 million Jewish people

lost their lives to the Nazis
during World War II.

A lot of people don't know,
because it's not taught,

that the Nazis also killed,
in their thousands,

Gypsies, homosexuals,
disabled people, and Jehovah's Witnesses.

No one knows what happened
with the Jehovah's Witnesses.

[audience laughs]

You'd have to assume
some Jehovah's Witnesses

came knocking on the gates
of a death camp...

[audience laughing]

...with a copy
of a magazine called Watchtower.

Some enterprising Nazi guard:

[in German accent] "Ah, yes, come in.
Very interested in your magazines.

The Watchtower.
We have the watchtowers here.

It is, how you say, a 'coinkydink.'

[audience laughing]

This is long journey for the Witnesses?

Come in, freshen up, take a shower."

[audience laughing, clapping]

[in normal voice] I hope you've enjoyed
the evening. You have, right?

[audience] Yeah!

I hope none of you needed it.
Sometimes you need it.

When life is shit, you need a laugh.

When things are terrible,
you need a laugh.

We've got the best sense of humor.

It's best to have
a very dark sense of humor, right?

[audience] Yeah!

At least when our life is shit,
we can laugh about it.

[audience laughs]

I feel sorry for those that get offended,
for those that can't laugh at dark shit.

When their life is terrible,
they've gotta white-knuckle it.

[audience laughs]

We get to giggle,

which is a long roundabout way
of saying I did a gig in a hospice.

[audience laughing, exclaiming]

I'm gonna talk about death and cancer now,
but don't worry, I'm very funny.

[audience laughing]

So I did a gig in a hospice.
It's a Just for Laughs.

The comedy festival in Montreal.
The charity is Hope & Cope. Great people.

We do the gig every year,
for seven, eight years.

And what they do is
they put on a concert in a hospice.

It's 200 dying people in the audience,
and we put on a comedy show. It's great.

And last time, I went on last,
so I watched from the back of the room.

And the other comics,
they all did great, all got big laughs,

but no one talked about death and cancer
in a room full of death and cancer.

I was chatting to a friend, I said,
"No one's mentioned what's going on."

He said, "You should mention it."

[audience laughing]

I'm like, "Yeah, no, I should.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah."

And then I felt like
I'd be shortchanging them if I didn't.

I felt like I had to.
So I walked up on-stage,

with some degree of trepidation,
in front of 200 people dying of cancer.

I said, "Come on,
we haven't got much time. Well, I have."

[audience laughing, clapping]

And the laugh was extraordinary.

It was like the volume had been turned up,
and suddenly there was air in the room,

and this dark ominous presence
was being taken down and laughed at.

I was enthused,
and it felt really empowering,

and I got carried away
and I took it too far.

[audience laughing]

They were fine, but I followed up with,
"Is anyone here from last year?"

[audience laughing]

"Spoiler alert!"

[audience laughing]

I finished with a couple
of my favorite cancer jokes.

[audience chuckles]

Don't look at me like, "He doesn't have
favorite cancer jokes." Of course I do.

[audience laughs]

"My father died."

"Really? What was it?"

"The big C."

"Cancer."

"No. He drowned."

[audience laughing]

Terrible thing.

Joke about a terrible thing.

We've been through this.

[audience laughing]

That's the end of my show,
and possibly, the end of my career.

You've been great. Thank you very much.
Thanks for coming out.

[audience cheering]

I really appreciate it.
Thank you very much.

See you all again. Cheers. Good night.

[cheering continues]

[applause, cheering continues]